This is kind of an odd (and tiny) one-shot, which makes sense considering it just kind of popped into my head one day without any reasoning. It's rated PG-13 because it's a little bit dark and has some semi-bad language. It might be more PG but I just wanted to be safe.
Oh, and for those (like me, before I looked it up) that don't know, Dervish is Earl's (the teacher from Violet City) last name. ;)
I would have studied for the exam if I had thought there was any chance I could have passed. I really, really would have. But I learned on day one that the best I can hope for in the classroom are moral victories so I don’t even bother expending any effort academically. I mean, you can’t win a battle against someone with the power to make you lose, right? Well… you can win, but only if you’re willing to think outside the box.
Of course, I was somehow the only one in the entire class who had no idea what he was doing. Susie freaking sailed through the two-hundred questions and just like always, she used her flabby forearm to guard all her answers so I couldn’t cheat. She’s so gross. Ever heard of deodorant, sicko?
Mr. Dervish just kept dancing in front of the chalkboard. Like, what the hell is that? Did he think that people liked him because he danced like an idiot? I can say this much: I hated him. It’s totally crazy, but somehow the sight of his tumbling fat rolls rippling beneath his suit didn’t make learning any more bearable.
Anyway, I had gotten about six answers down, half of which were smartass jokes made out of frustration, when Mr. Dervish’s insanely low time limit ended and everyone slammed their writing utensils down obediently. I rolled my eyes and flicked my blue pen to the side, earning yet another I’m-the-teacher-so-I-have-to-pretend-to-like-you-even-though-I-hate-you looks from Mr. Dervish.
Good lord, what a chubby, pathetic loser.
He collected our papers, glancing at mine and squeaking out a mean-spirited chuckle. I didn’t care, though. Okay, I did care, if only because I thought he had won yet again, but it’s not like it matters now. Since Mr. Dervish died before he got to grade any of the papers, I just bet that we’ll get a retake with some last-minute replacement teacher.
I look into the casket, noting that his fat cheeks are no longer their usual obese person red. They’re now as white as the skin underneath Susie’s thick, tangled arm hair. Haha, Susie, you’re so butch.
It almost seems like some of these people know. I feel like people keep looking at me between their dramatic sobs. There’s no way they could know already though. I bet they’re just staring because I’m in a T-shirt and swimming trunks. Give me a break, people, I’m going to the lake after this and I don’t wanna go all the way home to change out of a suit.
I really don’t know why I was so upset about the test. I guess it was just the final nail in the coffin. I mean, it’s not like I never tried. His tests were just way too hard and, considering I was the only one who wasn’t passing the class, I have to assume that they were designed specifically to make me fail. From the very first test, I could see that I was the enemy. No reason. Just baseless hate against an excellent young man.
And I knew I wouldn’t be the last. That’s why I did it. To protect others from Mr. Dervish’s disgusting prejudices against funny, skinny people like me. If I hadn’t caught him after class that day, who knows what kind of injustices would be committed down the road? You’re welcome, future badasses.
It was kind of hilarious, now that I think about it. His beady little eyes bulged out from between his bushy eyebrows and flubbery cheeks when I got a hold of him. There wasn’t much preparation on my part, but I did the best I could with just my own two hands. I’ve imagined the exact scenario dozens of times but I never thought he’d be so doughy. The best part is that he actually tried to make some snarky remark about my study habits when I started talking to him… I think… it was so hard to understand him sometimes. Anyway, I’m sure he regretted it during his last few gasping moments. That’s the best part. That second when he realized that I was in control of him.
Oh, Mr. Dervish. If only you’d seen my potential. But it’s too late for that. It’s also getting too late for me to stay here, staring at you while your body practically overflows out of the casket. It’s prime swimming time!
I don’t know if I’ll get caught. I guess it’s possible, considering I didn’t really create an alibi or anything. I don’t know. Right now I just want to forget about school drama and get my summer started the right way: at the lake!