Chronicles of Unova (PG-15)

[jstinftw!]

I'm going to go against the grain this chapter.

I thought it was awesome. Wait, what? haha

No, it was a great chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't have a good transition into my normal way of rating, so I'm going to jump right into it. Well, after I state that this is one of my favorite chapters, and probably my favorite Gym Battles.

1.) There was a bit of odd repetition while describing Druddigon's staggard flying during David's battle. You use the exact same phrase in two paragraphs almost back to back. I'm pretty sure that was something that you hadn't noticed while writing, so I'm not going to be too picky about it. Or I'm just weird and I thought it was repetitive. :/

Druddigon heroically and painstakingly rose once more and began beating his wings to take to the skies, but his paralysis was beginning to take hold. He got into the air, but it was a strained effort.

“Paula, use Psychic!” David commanded preemptively. Though the surprise paralysis was a welcomed blessing, he didn’t want to chance a loss while the physically-inclined Druddigon could still land a blow against his defensively frail Gardevoir. Paula’s horn began to glow bright white as she launched the blast of telekinesis. Druddigon had managed to get into the air, but it was a terribly strained effort.

The rest was pretty good though. I didn't look hard enough to find any other typos, or anything.
2.) Characterization in this chapter was really good. I really got Iris trying to keep her inner wild-child in to be official for her match. Drayden's Spartan Mayor was exemplified very well too. Bianca was very in-character when she won her battle, while Cheren's battle really brought out his more sentimental side while sticking to his cold, hard, calculating nature. And David's aloofness/Ash-like strategy making (I mean no offense by this) rang loud and true.
3.) The battle scenes. I am truly amazed at how much improvement you've made in your battle scenes. I feel like I say this every battle chapter, but it's true. In hand with 2's comment on characterization, I could really feel the personality of each Pokemon in battle, barring Gus I think. Everyone's personalities all really came out.
4.) I actually got really... Intense feelings while reading the battles. Like I was there, or at the very least watching. It was a really well written battle.

That's pretty much it. It was so good! I'm also glad I waited a little bit to send in my character; now I have more of Cheren to contemplate. IT WILL BE SENT IN! I just want it to actually be good. hahah

[Silawen]

Hello there! I was told about your story and figured I'd read and review. Now, I haven't had a chance to read anything yet, so I'll just start at the first chapter. Hopefully any tips I give you could impact any future edits or rewrites while I get to your last chapter. I won't be pointing out everything, because it's a pretty long story, but I hope that what I do point out will somehow help. Cheers!

Prologue.

Shouts and cheers rang throughout the city as the battle fiercely raged on.

I think this sentence is a bit awkward. I would either say 'as the fierce battle raged on' or 'the battle raged on fiercely'.

Down on the field, at the epicenter of this cacophony of noise, tension and excitement, stood two lone trainers and two fearsome beasts.

I read this sentence the first time and stumbled over the use of commas. Changing the comma to be behind 'excitement' means that 'noise, tension and excitement' become one, connected fragment. As result you can also remove the comma behind 'trainers'.

“…yeah huh I can,” the boy said calmly after a pause, awakening from his vivid tirade.

I had a look at your latest chapter and saw that your issue with punctuation dialogue hasn't changed yet. While it's great that you don't capitalize when it involves a dialogue tag, you also need a comma. This is because speech verbs are involved, in this case the verb 'to say'. When this happens, the spoken sentence and the one indicating that it's spoken - 'the boy said calmly' - are connected and you this get a comma. Other example are:

"Hey," she said.

No," he answered.

Notice how you get a comma? That wouldn't be the case if the sentence after it says nothing about what's been said, however.

"Hey." She smiled.

You can't smile a sentence, so the two aren't connected. As a result you don't get a comma and you do get a capital letter. Hope that makes sense.

What doesn't make sense to me, though, is what exactly you mean when you say 'awaken from his vivid tirade'. How does one awaken from a tirade? Tirades are incredibly active things, I don't think 'awaken' has anything to do with it.

At that age, he towered over his friends, which often helped make his statements and requests that much more persuasive.

So he uses his physical appearance to get his way? That's...unfortunate. I don't think you want to present your main character that way, as it may make him come across as a bit of a bully.

Do I think I’ll ever be battling Cheren’s Lugia, a legendary Pokémon from Johto, with a Heatran, another legendary Pokémon from Sinnoh, in the Unova Region Pokémon League Championships in front of 50,000 people?

I think this sentence could use a bit of fiddling as well. As it stands 'another legendary pokémon from Sinnoh' makes no sense, because you haven't just mentioned a legendary from Sinnoh. You mentioned a legendary from Johto. I realize you meant that it was another legendary, but that's not what the sentence implied. Maybe use 'a' instead of 'another'. It's a bit of a run-on sentence too, so maybe you could cut it into pieces a bit instead.

“But will we be real trainers some day and have real Pokémon battles? Yeah, totally. Those battles will probably be even more spectacular than these pretend ones even, because goddamn Cheren… won’t be able to cheat or use Aeroblast.” he appended

So, ehm, if they're so passionate about becoming trainers, why aren't they? I'm sure I could find out in upcoming chapters, but this is something first-time readers would wonder about. Why do these three thirteen year olds who are so into pokémon and battling not have their own pokémon yet? It makes no sense to me.

Also, you have a habit of adding a dialogue tag to every piece of dialogue you write. You don't always have to add a verb to the end of it, especially when you've already identified the speaker beforehand. Too many of them can get annoying. You can get away with just letting the sentence end.

“Okay, that tears it.” David groaned. He stood up quickly, grabbed the pillow that was behind his back, and proceeded to beat Cheren with it unmercifully in one fluid motion.

You said this David character was very mature, but I don't really see any evidence of that if he's this easy to rile up. Not to mention that it's a bit uncomfortable that he uses physical ways of exerting his dominance, given how much bigger and stronger he is.

“Getting a girl to save you from a pillow?” Bianca cooed mockingly.

Yes, because girls are weak and frail creatures who can't save anyone.

Chapter one.

Having turned 18 and finished school, they were now eligible to become real, League sanctioned Pokémon trainers. This was a dream that all children shared, and was a rite of passage that he, Bianca and Cheren would all take together. Children in his world attended a primary and secondary school until age 18 where they learned things like reading, mathematics, history and the sciences. Starting at age 13 however, their regular education was supplemented with classes on Pokémon theory, biology, mythology and battling strategies; these classes were taught by the resident Pokémon professor, and at age 18, when their schooling was complete, it was that professor that would give them their first Pokémon to begin their journeys with.

Ehm, what? Is this a future!fic, or an AU, or what is this? This is not how pokémon regions are run. What in the world happened that a culture's rules changed so drastically that everything they believed in suddenly changed? This really makes no sense to me at all. Just telling us these things doesn't make them true. Canon contradicts what you just said, hugely, and I hope you have a very good reason for doing this.

“Yep, I’ve got everything, Mom.” David replied; two mimicked responses came a moment later.

So they all call David's mother 'Mom'? Maybe say 'two similar responses' instead of 'mimicked'. If they're truly mimicking him then that would imply they call her 'Mom' too. I'm assuming they don't.

It was a moderately long drive to Professor Juniper’s lab.

Why would it be a long drive when they all live in the same town? They could have walked there. Why haven't they?

David shot him a contemptuous smile in the rear-view mirror and spoke.

“Oi, Cheren, don’t be such a killjoy, will’ya?” David scolded. “We’re finally done with school and about to become Pokémon trainers. Do you think you can put Scrooge away for just one day?” he continued

You're really not setting David up to be a likeable character. He tolerates annoying behaviour from Bianca, but not from Cheren. In fact, he's kind of an *** to his friend. If David is allowed to criticize Cheren's behaviour, then why shouldn't Cheren be allowed to criticize Bianca's? Cheren might not be very nice for calling her out on it, but I'd probably be annoyed too. Somehow, though, I'm more annoyed at David for being so pretentious about it.

But there was still a bittersweet feeling to the start of the trip.

You really shouldn't start your sentences with 'but'. Yes, I know that that particular rule isn't quite that rigid in creative writing, but in this case it's not necessary. The sentence can stand on its own perfectly fine. The 'but' isn't needed to stress anything, so I think it'd work fine as 'There was still...'

Her voice had taken a significant and noticeable drop in volume, and she almost cooed out the words. David was instantly set ill-at-ease; his eyes opened wide and he leaned back away towards the window awkwardly. In an instant, she had gone from being naively child-like and bubbling to… what was this? Flirtatious almost? His expression went blank and he could feel his face grow warm.

And here I was hoping against hope that there wouldn't be a romantic sub-plot. Mind you, this seems a bit sudden. I really think drawing it out a bit and dropping hints would be a better way of introducing it than dropping this anvil on us. Especially because it seems like odd timing. Bianca is incredibly excited about getting her first pokémon, why would she suddenly turn her attention to David?

Still...ugh.

Bianca was bouncing up and down on her heels, hands clasped in front of her chest and positively beaming with anticipation as she giggled to herself.

I feel like this characterization of her is going to become really annoying really past. She's become a caricature of herself. Yes, Bianca is easily distracted and cheerful, but she's not a bumbling idiot who acts quite like this. She's competent enough to be a trainer and win badges. I really hope you show more of her actual personality and not just the giggling, flirty one. In canon she is a strong character. She goes off on a journey even though her father doesn't want her to. She's been raised sheltered, but bursts free and deals with the outside world remarkably well for someone who has little experience with it. It's inspiring and I don't think you're doing her any justice here.

“I wanna go first, I wanna go first! Please please please please, Professor Juniper?!” she screamed.

You are aware that she's supposed to be eighteen here, right? Not eight?

“Did you know David still wets the bed- OOFH!” Cheren said with a glance towards his friend, but David silenced him with a quick jab in the arm.

“Come, come, Cheren! This is not a time to take things lightly.” the professor half-heartedly scolded.

More physical violence from David. Now, I have no idea what Cheren did to piss everyone off so much, but there seems a clear dislike towards him from some of the characters. Why is that? Why is it not okay to make a simple joke? I'd say Bianca's behaviour was more annoying than his.

“Instead of the usual Unova region starters, I handpicked three species of Pokémon for you all to take, specifically chosen for you as individuals. Professor Oak’s aide bred them for me and delivered them especially for you.”

Oh dear. I'm not very fond of this idea. Not only does it show some serious preferential treatment that shouldn't be there, it disrupts canon. I realize you want your characters to have certain characters, but it's canon that they get one of the three starters. Bending canon to your will because you want something is never a good sign and just makes me worry about the future of your characters.

“Bianca, as requested, you can go first. Yours is the one on the left.”

So they don't even get a choice? What if they wanted to challenge themselves by using a pokémon unlike them? What if they don't like the pokémon the professor chose for them? I know that won't happen, because that would be inconvenient, but it seems kind of rude of the professor to just assume and decide these things.

an adorable young Pachirisu appeared

But a pachirisu wouldn't make for a very good starter? It doesn't even evolve into anything and its attacks are poor at best. If she had to rely on it alone, she'd be in some serious trouble.

The Pokémon popped out and materialized into the form of a spry, healthy young Eevee, its coat a polished, coffee brown in color.

*facepalm* An eevee? Seriously? You're giving him a very rare pokémon who'd make an awful starter? Just like pachirisu eevee have horrible attacks, especially starting out. They're very difficult to train. It takes them until level 29 to learn the move bite of all things. I realize you're probably not going to stick to levels, or whatnot, but it shows how long it would take to teach eevee moves that have an impact.

“Hello! My name is Paula, and I am a Ralts! What is your name, human?”

*sigh* First of all, why is Oak giving away pokémon not native to his own region? And why did it have to be a psychic pokémon who can talk to its trainer? It seems an easy way out when it comes to writing its personality. 'Oh, it can talk.' I hope that isn't the case.

“Getting back on track, these three Pokémon have been hand chosen for each of you, and I’m sure you will go farther with them than you ever could with a generic starter.”

Which just shows how unfair this is towards all those other trainers who had to make do with these 'generic starters'.

All children went on adventures with Pokémon when they came of age, but only a select few became Pokédex holders.

You're making them more special by the minute. This worries me a lot.

Anyway, this is all I have time for right now. I'll continue some other time. You do seem to really enjoy story-telling and your mechanics are pretty good. I just think the plot and characterization could use some work. Hopefully this'll be of some use.

[The Great Butler]

Well, this has been up for a while, so I guess I'll give it a look.

*deep breath* Here we go...

I'll be honest. I know that Cheren and Bianca are, at least nominally, the same characters as they are in the games in your story. Still, though, recoloring them like this doesn't sit well with me, and the fact that your OC is a recolored version of Hilbert even more so. If he was meant to represent the character you played as, simply making him normal Hilbert with the name David would have made more sense, I think.

“Heatran, use Magma Storm!”

The roar of the crowd could be heard from miles away. Shouts and cheers rang throughout the city as the battle fiercely raged on. The hypnotizing aroma of popcorn and other confections drifted lazily through the air from vendors scattered in the stands. Small children cheered out of their minds for the trainers, while their parents beside them subtly suppressed smiles of their own. The gigantic stadium held more than 50,000 people, drawn from all across the region to witness the Unova Region Pokémon League Championship battle. After several days of harsh fighting and elimination, victory was within the grasp of two talented trainers. Down on the field, at the epicenter of this cacophony of noise, tension and excitement stood two lone trainers, and two fearsome beasts. This was the pinnacle of the match; the next few attacks would decide it all.

“Lugia, quick, get out of the way!” shouted one of the trainers desperately. There was fear in his eyes, his voice quivered, and he knew he was losing. He hadn’t made it to the final battle of the League Championships by faltering at the end of his matches though; alongside his fear was determination and the will to survive and win. He knew he had to think fast; if Magma Storm hit, it would be all over.

The Heatran lowered its head, took in a deep breath, then unleashed a torrent of fire and slag at the enormous beast opposite it with everything it had. Molten lava dripped from its mouth as the wave of heat launched forth. It braced itself against the ground and had to dig in with every one of the four hooked claws that lined each foot to keep itself from being pushed back. The enemy’s Lugia took action and started to dodge, quickly ascending into the sky; it was a desperate, losing gambit however. Higher and higher it soared, trying to simply put as much distance between itself and the vortex of flames as it could. Half a mile into the air it went, then three-quarters, then a mile, but the fire dogged it all the way. Finally, the Lugia managed to breach the clouds; it stopped for a moment, thinking perhaps that it was safe. It held position, beating its massive wings and calmly looking around at the sea of white below it for any sign of the streams. It heard nothing, saw nothing, and felt nothing; surely the Heatran couldn’t still control and aim its attack with so much distance between them, and certainly not if the cloud cover obscured its visi-

“GAAAAW!!”

The three swirling streams of fire burst through the clouds directly underneath the Lugia’s position. Before it could react, they sailed up past the beast’s head and ensnared it in a veritable cage of lava. The Lugia screamed deafeningly in surprise as the three streams linked and began dragging it back down to earth; it could barely even fight to try and break free against the maelstrom.

As it fell, the lava charred and burned its majestic, legendary down and wings. The Lugia continued to shriek in shock and pain as it hurdled towards the ground; it was being dragged right towards a patch of Stealth Rock that had been set up earlier in the match. As it drew within just feet of the jagged spikes, the Heatran reared its head and quickly chomped its fangs together, terminated the stream. The Lugia smashed into the patch of Stealth Rock, being impaled and taking considerable damage. The real concern however was the continuing Magma Storm; the Diving Pokémon was still immobilized and confined to the small area within the storm, all the while taking a slow creep of residual damage from the heat of its prison.

I'm not going to call Purple Alert here, because there are some pretty good descriptions within it (such as the description of the stadium), but did you really need five paragraphs for a single exchange of attacks? Seems a little excessive.

The roar of the crowd in response to these actions was deafening. It was as if a solid wall of sound flowed from the stadium and struck every point in and around it. Seeing its opponent trapped, the Heatran sneered and bent forward on its front knees to strike again. The Heatran’s trainer had his opponent on the ropes; victory was nearly assured now and the people in the stands knew it. A new challenger to the Elite Four was about to be named, and he had a very good shot of making it all the way.

This on the other hand is pretty good.

“Wait, what?! You can’t do that, you cheater!”

* * *

“…yeah huh I can.” the boy said calmly after a pause, awakening from his vivid tirade.

“No you can’t, dude, that’s bull crap! You can’t just ‘break’ Magma Storm with a stupid Aeroblast! You just don’t want to admit I out-strategied you again!” shouted his friend.

The first boy lowered his stance. He smiled condescendingly and stared at his friend from over the rims of his glasses. “Out-strategied my ***. If we’re going to play pretend and imagine our League Championship battle, why can’t I imagine it spectacularly and make great plays?” he quipped back.

“God, Cheren, that’s your answer to everything, isn’t it? ‘Aeroblast it away, Lugia!’” the second boy said in a mocking, flustered tone. “I cover the field in Smokescreen; you clear it with Aeroblast. I poison you with Toxic; you Aeroblast it out of your system. I bury you under a damn Rock Slide; you Aeroblast the rocks away. You just never want to admit you’ve lost, and you can’t come up with any other strategies!” he continued. Cheren laughed at his friend’s vigor and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“David, why can’t you just accept that Aeroblast is sweet and you can’t beat my Lugia? I’m just a more superior trainer than you, and you need to just accept that.” Cheren replied; from the corner of the room, someone else spoke up.

These are 13-year-olds, right? Their bickering is really uncharacteristic for that age. They sound like eight-year-olds at most.

Cheren was an odd boy; he was calm and calculating on the outside, but a regular, rambunctious, somewhat immature kid on the inside. He was medium height with a wiry form and jet black hair. He liked to act like he was cool and in charge, but as the previous exchanged had illustrated, he had his stubborn and immature streaks. He was perhaps not terribly well adjusted; at thirteen years old, he lived the phrase “act your age.”

Bianca was a sweet, innocent young girl; she had a somewhat plump figure, short blonde hair, big blue eyes and a giant toothy smile. When she lit up and smiled, which was a fairly frequent occurrence, her friends would often joke that she looked like a Pachirisu, which just made her laugh even more. She was very beautiful for her age and she was actually already starting to fill out in many respects; her friends were oblivious to these facts however and thought of her no differently than they thought of themselves. In their naivety and youthful understanding of the world, Bianca to them was just “one of the guys.” She thought of herself no differently than she did of them either, but she was perhaps more aware of the differences than they were, given that she was the outsider in that regard.

I've got two things to pick out here.

One, the structures of these two paragraphs are too similar, making them feel choppy and abrupt. By itself, Cheren's would have been okay, but you should have varied your sentence structure and word usage for Bianca's.

Second, Bianca's description makes me feel a little... uncomfortable. The way you're describing her, calling attention to her appearance in such overt detail, just doesn't feel right. I mean, do I really need to know that she's "already starting to fill out in many respects?" Just mention that she has a full figure or something, there really is no need to go this in-depth on the body of a thirteen-year-old girl.

Also, remarking that she looks like a Pachirisu - a squirrel - is pretty vulgar.

David was the last member of the group and its de facto leader. Despite how the previous exchange might have made him seem, most of the time he was by far the most mature; he was very adult-like for his age, his mind and his spirit far exceeding his body in years. He was stoic and tall with dark brown hair sitting upon his head in a loose mop. He struck an imposing figure, built like an Ursaring or a Beartic. At that age, he towered over his friends, which often helped make his statements and requests that much more persuasive. Despite this, Cheren knew just how to push his buttons, and knew just when to act defiant to screw with his older friend; for instance, calling out Aeroblast when things weren’t going his way.

“Aww, that’s no fun, David. I wanted a REAL ending!” Bianca pouted. “That battle was so spectacular and vivid; I want to see it in real life. Do you think that’ll ever happen?” she continued.

“Do I think I’ll ever be battling Cheren’s Lugia, a legendary Pokémon from Johto, with a Heatran, another legendary Pokémon from Sinnoh, in the Unova Region Pokémon League Championships in front of 50,000 people?” David asked sarcastically, settling back down against the side of the bed. “No, probably not.” he continued with a laugh. “But will we be real trainers some day and have real Pokémon battles? Yeah, totally. Those battles will probably be even more spectacular than these pretend ones even, because goddamn Cheren… won’t be able to cheat or use Aeroblast.” he appended, looking over at Cheren from across the room as he singled him out. Cheren grinned again and turned up his nose, folding his arms and closing his eyes smugly.

“Aeroblast is so legit, I’ll go out to Johto someday and catch a Lugia, just so I can use that move.” Cheren quipped back, now just trying to provoke his friend; David sighed

“Okay, that tears it.” David groaned. He stood up quickly, grabbed the pillow that was behind his back, and proceeded to beat Cheren with it unmercifully in one fluid motion.

I would hope that you're able to turn this character around, because right now, I'm not sure just what it is about him that is supposed to make me like him. Getting the readers to like or at least sympathize with your main character is extremely important, and right now, I just see an angry, brooding teenager who fights with his friend.

The three of them all laughed. That night, as sleep washed over them, they each dreamt of their future adventures as real Pokémon Trainers. It would be an epic journey, and it would bring them at times closer, and at other times farther, than they had ever dreamed possible. It would be one filled with grand battles, budding and eventually maturing love, and fulfillment of a dark and ancient prophecy that would see the reawakening of the two most destructive forces the region, if not the world, had ever seen. It was still five years off though and they were yet just children; sleep came to them, and so did they dream…

One, I'm not so sure that telling us so much of what to expect in the rest of the story was a good idea. It takes away a lot of surprise we could get from new developments.

Two... you just admitted Bianca's a child here. After sexualizing her earlier.

“Alright, Mom, I’ll be down in just a minute!” David shouted back. He was gathering all the essentials and gear for the start of his Pokémon journey. It had been 5 years since their pretend battle at the League Championships, and he and his friends were now adults. Having turned 18 and finished school, they were now eligible to become real, League sanctioned Pokémon trainers. This was a dream that all children shared, and was a rite of passage that he, Bianca and Cheren would all take together. Children in his world attended a primary and secondary school until age 18 where they learned things like reading, mathematics, history and the sciences. Starting at age 13 however, their regular education was supplemented with classes on Pokémon theory, biology, mythology and battling strategies; these classes were taught by the resident Pokémon professor, and at age 18, when their schooling was complete, it was that professor that would give them their first Pokémon to begin their journeys with. Pokémon journeys lasted as long as the adventurer saw fit. Typically they lasted for only a few years, taking the place of a traditional college experience, and then they would return to civilization in pursuit of a career; some trainers however made battling their career.

There are some interesting ideas here, but I'm not really feeling yet just why it is the case that the age is 18 instead of 10. It just feels like a completely arbitrary change made for no real reason. I do like the elaboration on their curriculum, though. That's an interesting idea.

“Eeeeeeeeh! David David David David David EEEEEEH! We’re going to be real Pokémon trainers! This is so exciting!” Bianca squealed as he walked down the stairs to greet them. “We’re going to have real Pokémon and go on adventures and have lots of battles and see lots of places and and and-”

“Bianca!” Cheren said sharply. “Please, you’re going to give me a goddamn migraine…” he continued, turning away and holding his temple.

“Oh lighten up, Princess, let her have her moment.” David said back with a smirk. “I’m excited too, just… not as… ‘vocal,’ about it as she is.”

“David, did you get everything you’re going to need?” David’s mother asked soothingly as she entered the room. “How about you two, need any last minute supplies?” she asked Bianca and Cheren.

“Yep, I’ve got everything, Mom.” David replied; two mimicked responses came a moment later.

Okay, they're eighteen now, and Bianca is still acting like this? I get that being absentminded is part of her canonical character, but you're really exaggerating it here, and at the age of eighteen, she should be at least a bit more levelheaded than this.

I'm still not liking David's attitude toward Cheren. Did something happen in the past between them that caused him to seemingly hate Cheren so much? If I was Cheren, I don't think I'd want to hang out with him.

Bianca was bouncing up and down in her seat like a child on a sugar rush, her hands clasped on her skirt and grinning a big, toothy grin. She was totally oblivious to her surroundings, only interested in the prospects that lay before her.

So far, your depiction of Bianca has been really one-dimensional and shallow, and this line really seals it. Isn't there more to her than this?

“This is so exciting, isn’t it, David?!” she said in an overtly feminine tone. As she said this, she moved suddenly and grasped both of his hands in hers. She brought them up to collarbone level and spoke again in a noticeably softer voice “We’re going to make great trainers, David, I know it! Don’t you think so too?”

Her voice had taken a significant and noticeable drop in volume, and she almost cooed out the words. David was instantly set ill-at-ease; his eyes opened wide and he leaned back away towards the window awkwardly. In an instant, she had gone from being naively child-like and bubbling to… what was this? Flirtatious almost? His expression went blank and he could feel his face grow warm.

Romance is a challenging thing to get right. I think one of the most important things about writing a good one is to try and have an organic, well-done introduction to it, but unfortunately this is not one of those. Why has Bianca's personality suddenly changed to abruptly introduce the romance concept between her and David, for one? It's not helped by the way you're describing this, which is overly forceful in shoving us toward the direction you want us to see.

Anyway, once again, I'm hoping something - the romance subplot in this case - picks up, because it's not off to a good start.

The door was simple and rustic, but with a grand carving of Arceus etched above it as a tribute to her work in the origins of Pokémon. It opened a moment later; standing in the doorway, a hand on her hip and a grin on her face, was the sleek, attractive young professor, Dr. Aurea Juniper.

Why is Arceus on her door when in Unova at this time, the region was very isolated? Reshiram, Zekrom and Kyurem would have made more sense.

And is Juniper a doctor or a professor here?

“Hahaha, oh alright, dear, you can go first.” she said lightly. “But before you take your Pokémon, I must explain one thing to you all first.” she continued. Bianca was already reaching for the centermost Pokéball; Professor Juniper took a long, graceful stride between her and the desk, surprising her young student with the sudden obstacle. Bianca wore a startled look and looked up at ex-teacher to explain; Professor Juniper folded her arms, resting her back on the edge of the desk, and began her explanation.

“Normally, as beginning trainers in the Unova region, you would have a Snivy, a Tepig or an Oshawott available to you for your beginning Pokémon. Seeing as there are three of you, assuming no overlap, that would be perfect and you could each choose one for yourselves.” she began. “But I’ve known the three of you all your lives, and practically helped raise you. I’ve been friends with your families for many years and I like to think I know each of you pretty closely.” she continued.

...

“Come, come, Cheren! This is not a time to take things lightly.” the professor half-heartedly scolded. “Today is a day to remember always, so it’s best to behave with some formality. Nerves are one thing…” she said, glancing at Bianca, “…but please show at least a bit of restraint.”

...

“Now then… since I’ve known you all for so long, and since you are some of my favorite pupils, I’ve decided to give you a slightly different opportunity than most beginning trainers have. You all are familiar with the work of Professor Oak in Kanto, correct?” she asked; the three of them all smiled at the mention of his name and nodded in affirmation.

“Professor Oak? Of course, everyone knows him.” Cheren answered proudly. “He’s the most famous Pokémon researcher of the last hundred years, and his radio show is broadcast all over the world from Goldenrod City.” he continued.

“Very good, Cheren, you’ve been studying.” the professor praised him. “Well, he has a young aide named Red who he tasked many years ago with completing the Pokédex. He has become somewhat of a Pokémon catching phenom in recent years, and even became the Indigo League Champion a while back. He is truly a remarkable trainer, so I asked Professor Oak a few months ago if he could enlist Red in a little Pokémon catching expedition for me.” the professor said slyly, putting her hand to her cheek. “Instead of the usual Unova region starters, I handpicked three species of Pokémon for you all to take, specifically chosen for you as individuals. Professor Oak’s aide bred them for me and delivered them especially for you.” she continued with a grin.

Okay, no. I'm not opposed to changing the starters, but it has to be for a good reason - a really good one - even if it's a simple swap of one region's starter set for another.

This is not a good setup at all. It doesn't even matter what the new starters actually are; they could be Magikarp, Feebas and Kricketot even. This explanation is extremely contrived and pretty engineers a Mary Sue situation, because of how 'special' these characters are being treated.

“Bianca, as requested, you can go first. Yours is the one on the left.” the professor murmured, stepping out of the way and smiling along with them; the moment had finally come.

Bianca slowly walked forward with reverence and anticipation, cupping the Pokéball in her hands. It shone in the light and she could see herself reflected in its surface. She extended a slender finger and gently pushed the button on the front to open it and release the Pokémon inside. A bolt of light shot out and materialized on the table in front of her, startling her with the suddenness of it all. She leaned forward, putting her face right next to it in curiosity as it rematerialized, and in a flash, an adorable young Pachirisu appeared and exclaimed its name.

“Pachi! Pachirisu!”

You have to be kidding me... leaving the 'girls use cute things' stereotype aside for a minute, you've repeated several times that Bianca looks like a Pachirisu and now you give her one? This is very shallow, not to mention Pachirisu is a Pokemon with low base stats and no evolutionary potential.

Also, why is Juniper not giving them a choice?

Calmly and coolly, he walked forward and picked up the Pokéball on the right. He tossed it lazily on the floor to catch the clasping mechanism, throwing it as if he were initiating a battle. The seam opened and a blast of light shot out from inside. The Pokémon popped out and materialized into the form of a spry, healthy young Eevee, its coat a polished, coffee brown in color. The Eevee turned to face its new trainer as its eyes adjusted to the light; with a tilt of the head, he murmured ever-so-softly, “Ee?”

So you go from giving Bianca a Pokemon that's extremely difficult to use because it looks like her to giving Cheren the very definition of a Mary Sue starter Pokemon, not to mention the one with the most evolutionary potential of all. This is completely unfair to Bianca.

“Well, it won’t be a Snivy, that’s for sure… what could it be?” David thought to himself. As he walked forward and picked up the ball, thoughts of Pokémon he thought he might like ran through his mind. Could it be a Growlithe? Or an Aron? Maybe if he was really lucky he’d get a Gible. “Man, how sweet would having a Garchomp be?” he thought. Whatever it was, Professor Juniper said she had handpicked it for him, so it seemed logically like he should be able to guess what it was. He opened the ball and released the clasp. From within the seam, a small sphere of light drifted out. The wisp emerged gracefully and floated just in front of his face for a brief moment, almost as if it were sizing him up. It flew around him and then drifted lazily around the room for a moment, inspecting its new surroundings both playfully and curiously. Finally, the wisp settled on the desk to land. The little ball of light pulsated for a moment, and then in a flash, materialized itself as a petite, graceful little Ralts.

David heard a soft, childlike, feminine voice inside his head speak.

“Hello! My name is Paula, and I am a Ralts! What is your name, human?”

A Pokemon given purely based on looks, an Eevee and a Pokemon that can talk for no really logical reason. Maybe you can somehow pull this off, but right now, this is looking bad. Really bad. Why is Paula able to talk? Why does she have a nickname before she even got a trainer?

These are questions you're going to have to answer.

“I will be a Gardevoir some day, master! I will be tall and elegant and have a flowing dress, and you can teach me how to be one!” Paula said excitedly in David’s head. David pondered the thought for a minute, staring off into space.

This is really, really, really creepy. They just met and already Paula is going "MASTER~" for him and talking about how he's going to teach her things.

David muttered some small token of agreement underneath his breath, but Cheren made no response, so he let the conversation wane. He crawled into his own sleeping bag and curled up, pulling it above his shoulders and turning to face the wall. Bianca and Cheren were silent, save for a few rustling sounds as they adjusted themselves, and with the quiet came an opportunity for his mind to wander. Though he had tried to push it out of his thoughts in lieu of the excitement of getting his starter Pokémon that day, her touch a moment ago had brought memories of the incident in the car earlier to the forefront of his mind. As sleep began to wash over him, the filters on his mind began to deaden and he was brought back to that short interval of time. Why had she done it? What did it mean? Did it even mean anything, or was he just overanalyzing? Most importantly though, why was it so jarring to him? He and Bianca had been wonderful, close, plutonic friends their entire lives. She had touched him before and it hadn’t meant anything then, so why now? There was something different about it this time; there was a certain grace and femininity to her touch. He didn’t want to admit it, but perhaps he was starting to actually acknowledge Bianca as a girl; as something altogether different than he or Cheren were.

Speak of the devil, as these rationales and considerations mulled about within his brain, he heard her yawn behind him and finally lay down in her bag. He lay still and stared at the wall, listening for her to stop moving, but before that moment came, he felt something that made him shutter. In an unassuming and innocent gesture, his lifelong friend had decided to lay next to him; directly next to him, unfortunately. Bianca laid her hand over top of his shoulder and curled up next to him. She was already out like a light and was doing it only half consciously, but she nevertheless still was. David could feel himself grow warm.

Turning over on his other side to inspect just what it was she was doing, David saw her peacefully asleep in her bag, an angelic smile spread calmly across her lips. Though everything from the collarbone down was obscured for obvious reasons, he also noticed, much to his guilty pleasure, that she was dressed only in her undergarments beneath the bag. David couldn’t shove it out of his mind any longer; he couldn’t simply keep ignoring it or brushing it off as coincidence. For whatever reason, something about finally becoming Pokémon trainers had changed Bianca; it was as if her own mental inhibitors were turned off by the excitement of it all, but she was acting in a decidedly new and different way than what he had always known. It was all unintentional and perhaps even subconscious to be sure, but there could be no more denying that it was there. Strangest of all however, much as he wanted to act offended and put off, David was not unreceptive to her change.

A wave of stinging pain washed over his eyes as the clock struck a late hour on the mantle behind them. There were altogether too many difficult and life-changing thoughts trying to compete for dominance in his mind, and his body was reminding him it was time for sleep. Maybe Bianca was acting different, and maybe she wasn’t; perhaps she had always been this way and he had just never noticed. Whatever it was though, there was no sense in worrying about it now. Content to call a spade a spade, David had to acknowledge that, childhood friend or not, there was a beautiful blonde asleep next to him who had at least some valid intention of wanting to be physically close to him. Remembering the adage that had helped him earlier in the day, David laid his own hand over the exposed, pale skin on her shoulder and murmured the lyric to himself for a second time that day.

You're really not handling the romance subplot well. Every time it gets brought up so far, it feels like it's shoehorned in randomly and forced to the center. What results is an extremely awkward passage, and honestly, I can't buy this romance you're trying to develop between David and Bianca. It's just feeling so forced so far, because David and Bianca have no real chemistry. There's nothing that really makes me believe this relationship is real on any level.

I'm sorry, but I'm not impressed at all with what I've seen so far. You're changing up a few things from the games, but the characters are just so utterly unlikable that I can't enjoy anything. Cheren is the abused butt monkey of the three for no reason, and seems to only exist to be verbally torn down by David; Bianca is a one-dimensional, flat caricature with some very creepy attention paid to sexualizing her; and David, frankly, is an obnoxious guy who doesn't seem to much appreciate his friends during the time he isn't awkwardly obsessing over Bianca for some reason. Journeyfics require that the characters at their centers be superb because the stories rely on them to deliver new content, and unfortunately, you are not doing well so far with that.

I'll give it more of a look to be more fair. I'm just very disappointed after the prologue and revised first chapter.

[ChaosBlizzard]

Hi everyone. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm afraid this isn't a new chapter; just a little update on the progress of the story for those who are interested. The next chapter probably won't be posted any time particularly soon. My school semester is entering its final phase and my game project is scheduled to hit Alpha next week; I've had utterly no time for the story, and probably won't have any more foreseeably until at least next Wednesday. I'll try to work on the chapter during any free time I have, but unfortunately it will have to be somewhat significantly delayed. Thank you to everyone who has patience with this and continues to show an interest.

Thanks for all the recent comments on the latest chapter and others, good and bad, and thanks for reading, everyone.

[The Great Butler]

Okay, let's do some more.

“Paula, use Psychic!”

The forest was calm, and all was quiet. Not a single Pokémon was out; they were all tucked away, hiding in their homes

...

The wild Bouffalant was staring him down, seething with rage and defiance; it had suffered Will-o-Wisp burns, been thrown about the clearing repeatedly, and hadn’t landed a single blow. It was breathing heavily and knew it was down for the count; unwilling to give up without at least landing some kind of hit though, it took in a large breath of air, snorted menacingly, and kicked up the dirt under its hooves, ready to risk it all on one final attack.

Opposite it stood the dainty figure of a Gardevoir, the very pinnacle of health, grace and elegance

I know this isn't what you were going for, but it caught me right away that you first say "not a single Pokemon was out" but then there are a Bouffalant and Gardevoir.

It took off like a bolt of lightning towards the slim silhouette of the Gardevoir, putting the pain from its burns out of its mind and throwing everything it had into this one final Head Charge attack. The Gardevoir stood perfectly still and focused her mind. The charging bull came closer and closer with a bloodlust in its eyes. It tucked in its head,
came up to full speed, and launched itself at the enemy.

I think I mentioned this before, but you have to diversify your sentence structure and language. Beginning sentences with "it" or "the" repeatedly creates unpleasant repetition.

The whole forest shook. The Bouffalant flew across the clearing, striking another tree and falling to the ground in a slump. The Gardevoir composed herself, lowered her arms, and gracefully walked back to her trainer. Suppressed as it may have been, there was a kind of girlish spring in her step at her success.

“Excellent work, Paula; just what I’ve come to expect from you.” David said in a very business-like tone; a sheepish grin was creeping along the edges of his mouth however out of pride.

“Thank you, master. That was more fun for me than I would imagine it looked like however.” she replied with a giggle. David nodded and recalled her to her Pokéball.

This is still really, really, really creepy. I just can't help but feel a
really forced subordination fetish when these two interact, I'm sorry.

“Oh, David… you’re my hero.” Bianca said femininely, emerging from her cover and putting the back of her hand to her forehead. In any other circumstance, such a cliché remark would have made David laugh, but there was a kind of twisted logic to this place; that logic was beginning to subtly fray around the edges however if one watched closely enough…

“Twas nothing, milady.” he said with a smirk, turning now to face her. She looked down and smiled, then ran into his arms and embraced him. She looked up at her protector, trembling in anticipation, and moved in to give him one… big… long… ki–

...

He looked over at the sleeping angel beside him and sighed again, longing to know what to think of her. He eventually slipped out of his sleeping bag and proceeded to get up.

Now, given that this scene began in David's dream, what does that tell me about David that he views Bianca in such a way? He is not respecting Bianca as her own person, instead, he is merely whiteknighting her and viewing her only as an object to protect.

This romance is still very clunky and awkward, too.

“Wakey-wakey, Princess.” he cooed sarcastically. Cheren slumped over and moaned as his heartbeat returned to normal. As David began to stand back up, Cheren lashed out at his friend’s knee cap, inciting a muffled grunt from David and more laughter from Bianca as he fell over in pain. After a few more shenanigans like such, the three young trainers rose and left the room after Professor Juniper.

You're using "cooed" too much, one. Two, you're once again making David out to be an unrelenting ******* to Cheren with no explanation, and it's still as unbelievable as it was before.

“Impressive, Cheren; that’s exactly correct.” she praised. “Since you three didn’t start with the typical Fire-Water-Grass Unova region starters, I have called ahead and arranged the battles for you.” she said. “Bianca, you and Pachirisu will be battling Cilan; he won’t have a type advantage over you, but Pachirisu’s Electric-type attacks will be ineffective against his Grass-types. Cheren, you and Eevee will be battling Cress and his Water-types. Finally, David, you will be battling Chili and his Fire-type Pokémon.” she explained.

It really should not be up to Juniper to be arranging all these things without consulting the kids.

“We’ll leave right away, Professor. Thank you for your hospitality.” Cheren said.

Cheren really is so polite that he doesn't deserve the way David treats him.

“Hey! You know what we should do to make this even more special?” she asked. “We should all take our first steps onto the route together! We can start our journeys all at the same time!” she continued. Cheren looked at her with an utterly perplexed look on his face, the thought seeming infantile and senseless to him.

“Oh come on, Cheren, don’t be like that!” she whined, seeing his confused look. Cheren shook his head and looked away.

The structure here is extremely awkward. I had a hard time telling who was being referred to when, Cheren or Bianca.

“Pachirisu! Um… use… um…” she stammered, but the Patrat was too quick for her. It leapt from the ground before she was ready, claws drawn, teeth gleaming, and threw itself at Pachirisu.

“Eeek! Quick, Pachirisu, get out of the way!” Bianca shouted. Pachirisu leapt into the air from where she had been standing and jumped onto a low-hanging tree branch. The Patrat landed squarely where Pachirisu had been a moment earlier and spun around to find its opponent.

Cheren saw Bianca’s dilemma and shouted down from the embankment where they had been watching; “Bianca! Have her use ‘Spark!’” he cried.

“Okay!” Bianca shouted back blindly. “Pachirisu, quick, use ‘Spark!’”

I hope you see that this is implying Bianca is not competent enough to do anything without having a male help her. At least it's not David saving her, I guess.

Bianca was out in the water, splashing around with Pachirisu in the warm morning sun. David sat next to Cheren, watching Bianca and remembering his dream from the night before. Why did these thoughts keep coming back to him, he wondered; why did everything constant about Bianca suddenly seem to be changing?

This is so awkward and out of place right now. I apologize for continually repeating this, but you need to learn how to incorporate this romance into the story better than you're doing. I almost can't help but find this a bit voyeuristic with how David is obsessing over Bianca at such random times.

“Sounds good, Cheren.” he responded. He watched as his friends walked back up the hill to the main road, and then walk out of sight. He took out Paula’s Pokéball and released her from it. The little Ralts popped out and stood on top of a fallen branch on the ground, smiling and looking up at him expectantly.

“Hello, master!” she exclaimed excitedly with her telepathy. “What are we doing here?” she asked curiously.

“Cheren and Bianca have gone up ahead. I think we should do a little training before we get to Accumula Town. What do you say?” he replied.

“Of course, master. How shall we train?” she asked politely.

“I guess we should find a wild Pokémon to battle and practice some of your attacks.” David responded. He began looking around, curious to try and see where the Patrat from earlier may have come from, but Paula spoke up before he could identify the source.

“Very well; we should check the tall grass to the north. There is bound to be something we can battle there, master.” she said cheerily. David smiled and picked her up; the pair returned to the road and started heading north.

Paula's constant reference to David as "master" is what's most horrifying about this. Frankly, I'm beginning to get Heaven's Lost Property vibes from Paula's assessment of herself as David's personal property and deference and submission to him. And yet, they only just met and she viewed herself this way instantly.

The Pidove turned around to look at him and cooed chidingly when it realized what he had done.

"Cooed" again...

Paula giggled as the Doppler Effect modulated the Lillipup’s defeated yelp.

This reference is far too obscure in context for most readers to get without even a quick explanation, I think.

“Your Confusion attack is getting really powerful. Did you see that little bugger fly?” David said with a laugh. “You knocked it right on it’s ***! Chili’s not going to stand a chance against us!” he continued proudly.

You need to use "its," not "it's."

“Soon I will evolve into a Kirlia, and I will be much stronger then, master. It is all thanks to you!” she replied, equally proud of her new trainer.

This is horrifying. Paula is not a character; you are depicting her as purely a broken servant to David (whom she just met) while a real character needs development and characteristics of their own. Paula is only defined by being David's servant and nothing more.

It is here that I will bring up just how Gary Stu-ish it is that David has this Ralts that can magically talk to him and wants to be his slave from the moment of their meeting.

Paula shook in concentration. David didn’t know what she was doing, but her efforts quickly paid off and manifested themselves. There was a blinding flash, he felt the ground disappear beneath his feet, and he suddenly felt weightless. His hair blew, he drifted through space as if surrounded by water, and felt as though the planet’s gravity and the gravity of everything else around him had suddenly been turned off. The sensation lasted only an instant, but it was all so vivid that he took it all in immediately. Suddenly, the sensation left him and he felt the ground beneath his feet again. He opened his eyes and saw the entrance to Accumula Town before him; in literally an instant, he and Paula had traveled a good quarter of a mile.

“Ho-oh-ly CRAP! What the Hell was that, Paula?!” he asked in shock. Paula giggled and held her arms up proudly.

“I used Teleport, master! I got the idea to try it earlier when we were training, but I did not know if it would work or not.” she exclaimed. “I just saw where I wanted to go, focused on it in my mind, and poof, here we are!” she explained. “Are you proud of me, master?” she asked with expectation and joy.

“Dude, that was AWESOME! Hell yeah I’m proud; that was great!” David replied excitedly. “If we can really dial that in, it could eliminate the need for a Flying-type Pokémon potentially! That is definitely something we should keep practicing; excellent work!” he praised her. Paula blushed faintly and smiled at his overt ovation.

Again, totally not Stu-ish at all that Paula suddenly mastered Teleport exactly when David needed to catch up with Cheren and Bianca in Accumula Town.

“I am glad that you approve, master. I am getting stronger and stronger with you.” she replied shyly. David nodded and put her back in her Pokéball; he then began walking towards the city to find his friends.

I can't say enough how much this makes my skin crawl, to be brutally honest.

“What? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. This dude’s just been shouting this crap at people in the park all day? Is he homeless or something?” David asked.

Nice stereotyping, David.

The man speaking in the center supported himself with a large, ornate cane, almost resembling a scepter fit for a king. He wore a giant, ornate tunic with a lavish neck piece of gold, shaped like the tower of a castle. His tunic was purple and gold, royal colors, and had a design resembling two large, menacing eyes, staring coldly out into the crowd. He had flowing gray hair that went past his shoulders, but the color and a gently receding hairline betrayed his age. His left eye was stern and cold, a demonic red in color, but he wore an eye patch over his right, adding to the mystique.

This is good description of Ghetsis, but where did you get that he has gray hair?

and if the spirit of Arceus moves you to do so, release your Pokémon and join us,

Again, at this point in time, Arceus should not be as well known in Unova as Reshiram, Zekrom and Kyurem are. This is especially true when you consider Ghetsis's position - there is no reason for him to be speaking about Arceus when Reshiram and Zekrom are his targets.

and a curious level-1 Menger sponge hung on a chain from his belt loop

Most average readers are not going to know what a level 1 Menger Sponge is without being told.

“Yes… there is something remarkable about you, I must say… most remarkable indeed…” N murmured. “Tell me, friend… would you like to have a Pokémon battle?” he asked, a smile spreading across his face.

Why am I not surprised that N only sees something "special" in David?

I can’t look like a coward in front of Bianca and Cheren… especially not Bianca

I seriously almost laughed at how out of place this latest mental declaration of love was. He's about to fight someone who's spouting nonsensical ramble about being raised by Pokemon and the only thing he can think about is looking like a badass in front of his crush?

“Oh my, how darling!” he shouted. “Your Ralts is named ‘Paula?’ Oh, it looks like I was right about you after all!” he continued.

This manner of speaking is completely out of character for N. He does not speak like this.

“Purrloin, use Fake Out!” N shouted. The Purrloin made a quick jab towards Paula, not actually attacking but feigning with its claws perfectly. Paula jumped back in surprise, tripped, and then stumbled and fell over, startled by the Purrloin’s quick motion. As she stood herself back up, the Purrloin took up a fighting pose and prepared to attack in earnest.

“Paula, use Confusion!” David shouted. The little Ralts steadied herself, focused, and let loose the counter-attack. Just like she had practiced, the blast of telekinetic energy shot forth and flew towards her opponent; much to her and her trainer’s surprise however, the Purrloin appeared utterly and totally unphased. It grinned a devilish grin, then lunged forward at the Ralts, claws drawn and ready to swipe.

Good going with remembering that Psychic attacks won't work on Purrloin, but you missed another big picture - Paula shouldn't have been able to attack at all because Purrloin had just used Fake Out, which makes its victim flinch immediately.

“Crap, no! Paula, quick, get out of the way! Use Teleport!” David shouted blindly, but it was to no avail.

“Purrloin, use Pursuit.” N said calmly. Paula quickly Teleported away, but the Purrloin grabbed a hold of her just before she could make her escape. Paula rematerialized across the clearing, but N’s Purrloin was still doggedly hanging on. The Purrloin raised a paw, its claws glowing with black, malevolent energy, and it took one powerful swipe at the little Ralts. She flew across the clearing, fell to the ground, and slumped over, too tired and defeated to go on. The Purrloin gracefully fell to its feet, licked its paws, sat down and purred; N recalled it to its Pokéball, saying quietly under his breath, “Excellent, Purrloin. Thank you for putting yourself in danger for my sake. I appreciate your contribution.”

I have to give you credit here, you used Teleport and Pursuit in a creative way that we don't see in the games. It worked quite well.

Good job getting N's speech patterns back on track, too.

N recalled it to its Pokéball, saying quietly under his breath, “Excellent, Purrloin. Thank you for putting yourself in danger for my sake. I appreciate your contribution.”

...

“A word to the wise: Psychic-type moves like that will have no effect on Dark-type Pokémon like my Purrloin.” he explained. “Your Pokémon put in a tremendous effort however; you should be very proud.” he continued as he helped David up.

N is acting awfully casually about Poké Balls for who he is in canon. I also don't know if it's in N's character to so explicitly congratulate someone after a battle.

“Oh, David… don’t be down on yourself about that.” she said soothingly. “It was just a bad type matchup, but you’ll get the next one. Your little Ralts is really strong, I can tell!” she continued. David looked at her and saw a real sense of conviction in her eyes. She wore a big smile and her eyes gleamed in the light from the fireplace. She was right; Paula wasn’t upset, N wasn’t a jerk about it, and it was technically a bad type matchup. He shouldn’t feel too down about it, and try as he might, he couldn’t even bring himself to be with Bianca’s pretty, innocent face smiling at him.

Now is absolutely not the time to be pointing out that Bianca has a "pretty, innocent face." That line completely ruined the mood.

“Turn into what? A bigger dweeb?” she asked as she giggled. Cheren drooped his shoulders and glared at her. His expression practically dripped with sarcasm and contempt.

That's absolutely out of Bianca's character, even for this version of Bianca.

As he walked down the hall, he passed by Bianca’s room and noticed that the door was slightly ajar. He took a quick peek inside and saw her sound asleep in her bed. She was resting like an angel, the light from the hall playing across her golden blonde hair, the blankets covering her body, silhouetting it against the light. She looked so peaceful and calm, it made him strangely happy.

Here's that awkward voyeuristic feeling again.

As he continued down the hall, he heard a voice inside his head.

“I believe that you like her romantically, master. Am I correct in this assumption?” the little voice murmured.

“Paula, is that you?” David thought back.

“Yes, master. My Psychic power is growing stronger by leaps and bounds.” she responded. “I am mentally aware of my surroundings and can hear your thoughts even from inside my Pokéball now.” she continued proudly. David winced a bit and looked away.

Please tell me you're joking and this is not what I'm actually reading. The last thing the awkwardly shoehorned Bianca romance subplot needed was Paula and her subservience fetish personality coming in. This is going beyond the uncomfortable; it's almost offensive now.

“You do like that girl though, correct, master?” Paula asked again. “Ms. Bianca is your friend, but you are attracted to her, no?” she continued. David glanced around furtively and rubbed the back of his head.

“What, Bianca? Well, we’ve always been best friends, but no, I’m not sexually attracted to her if that’s what you mean.” he lied.

“Master… I am talking to you in your mind.” Paula responded patronizingly. “You cannot keep secrets like that from me.” she continued with a giggle. David hesitated for a moment, pondering what to say next.

“Well… you know… she’s alright…” he finally admitted.

“Hehehe… I like you, master. You will be a good trainer, and you will make that girl happy some day.” Paula said, ribbing her trainer good naturedly.

“How will I make her ‘happy,’ Paula? What does that even mean?” he asked in confusion. Paula was silent for a moment before she replied.

“Young as I am, I can see things in your mind, even if you do not yet wish them to come to the surface. Give it time, master; accept the things you know to be true.” she responded cryptically. Then, there was only silence.

With everything that went on during this day involving training, Team Plasma, N and so on, this is all they can discuss? His bizarre crush on Bianca? It's completely unbelievable.

I'm going to continue my review in my next post.

[The Great Butler]

Continued from above

Chronicles of Unova

Chapter 3: Dreams of Bianca

I'll do my best to go into this with an open mind, but right now, I'm admittedly not terribly optimistic.

“Eevee, Tackle!”

Cheren’s voice carried down the hall and into David’s room, gently stirring him from his sleep. Reminded of where he was, he turned to the dresser next to the bed and looked at the clock: 7:30am.

“What the Hell? Is Cheren having a battle this early in the morning?” David pondered. Slowly, he rose from his bed to inspect the commotion.

Walking into the lobby, he could see his friend outside through the window, a look of determination and grit plastered over his face. Bianca was in the lobby too, sitting in one of the plush lounge chairs with her feet up, watching the battle unfold. David walked up silently and stood behind her, curious now himself as well.

Following his trainer’s command, Eevee threw himself full force at his adversary, smashing into it with tremendous strength. The foe’s Blitzle tried to dodge, but it had suffered so many Sand-Attacks that it was almost completely blinded. The Pokémon took the hit full force and was knocked to the ground, struggling to find the will or even a means to stand back up. Sand in its eyes, bruised and battered from the numerous Tackles it had taken, flailing just to regain its footing and find its target, the opponent’s Blitzle finally gave up the ghost and lay still, losing the urge to continue the fight. Eevee puffed out his chest proudly and stood up straighter. A smile of satisfaction spread across Cheren’s face and he called out to his Pokémon.

“Great work, Eevee! Stopped ‘em cold!” he exclaimed. Eevee turned to face his trainer and mewed proudly in response.

The opposing trainer walked over to his Blitzle, knelt beside it, and laid a hand on its face. Wiping the sand from its eyes, he said to his Pokémon, “Good job, Blitzle. You gave it your best.” He returned the Pokémon to its Pokéball and shook Cheren’s hand. The trainers exchanged a few pleasantries and then walked back into the lobby to heal their tired warriors.

Not bad, surprisingly enough. I have to give you credit where it's due. This part was pretty good, and you even managed to use "mewed" instead of "cooed" for once.

“Pachirisu and I already had a bite to eat, but I’ll come sit with you boys if you like.” she mused; the word’s stung David’s ears. There it was again; that subtle difference in how she was behaving. “You boys,” insinuating she wasn’t one herself. Not that she was, David knew that, but she had never gone out of her way to act so feminine before. Was it something about starting the Pokémon journey that was making her this way? Or something different about him? David couldn’t keep forcing the thought out of his mind when it came up so often; for the first time in his life, David was becoming increasingly aware of the differences between Bianca and himself or Cheren. Much as he didn’t necessarily want to admit it though, his receptiveness of the idea was also changing. The more and more he allowed himself to think of Bianca as a girl, and a pretty one at that, the more and more he appreciated and welcomed it.

No offense, but the way this is worded, this passage reads like something right out of one of those puberty books for boys. Why do we need an entire paragraph dedicated pretty much entirely to David realizing that there are differences between boys and girls?

“I’ve got a package here for you folks from a ‘Professor Juniper’”

I'd think the gatekeeper would know who Juniper is.

“Hey. How’s it going, porky?” he ribbed jokingly. Bianca shot him a piercing glare and a venomous, sarcastic smirk.

That's a pretty gross remark for a guy to make to a girl, especially the one he's half-stalking.

“Bianca, I challenge you to a Pokémon battle! Right here, right now! You say you want to do some training, so let’s have at it!” David said commandingly, albeit with a grin. It was said that you could learn the most about a trainer from being in a battle with them and having to adapt to their movements; if he wanted to gauge his feelings for Bianca, this would be the way to do it.

So he isn't interested in helping Bianca, he's interested in measuring his own feelings? That's awfully selfish.

“I know we need to practice a bit before our Gym battle too, Paula, but what do you say we go a little easy on her? Let her gain a little confidence.” David thought, trying to broadcast the sentiment to his Ralts.

I can see why you would say this, but going easy on Bianca and coddling her is only going to make it harder for her when she gets to that Gym.

“Is it time to lose now, master?” Paula asked him.

“I think so, but let’s try and make it convincing.” David answered. “Dodge her next attack with Teleport, and then let the hit after that glance you; fake going down from that.” he commanded.

“As you wish, master. I am happy we are helping your friend grow stronger.” she replied.

This scene is already strange because he's throwing the battle, but Paula's spoken dialogue is only making this worse.

“Aww, poor baby. At least you won though; you get to challenge the gym first.” David responded.

Once again, why is he being so rude to Cheren? Did something happen between them or not?

The smell of New England chowder was drifting through the air as the restaurant began serving its lunch specials.

Nitpicking, but if Unova is New York, wouldn't Manhattan clam chowder make more sense?

“Oh it’s so nice to meet you!” she said excitedly. “Professor Juniper has told me so so so much about you three. I’m so happy you’re finally here!” she continued. Composing herself, she put a hand to her chest and continued.

Oh no. I'm not liking where this is going if Fennel is acting like this.

“Oh it’s so nice to meet you!” she said excitedly. “Professor Juniper has told me so so so much about you three. I’m so happy you’re finally here!” she continued. Composing herself, she put a hand to her chest and continued.

Thank you for reiterating why that is a pretty ridiculous plot point. The starters were completely unjustifiable.

“It’s more than just ‘cool,’ Bianca. It could be the scientific breakthrough of the century!” Fennel exclaimed excitedly. “In dreams, you control the logic and physics behind all of reality. You could simply materialize anything you wanted into existence. If we could enter a person’s dreams and bring things back out from those dreams into the real world, anything could be possible! We could have time machines and flying cars within the decade!” she continued, her high energy not abating. “Other possibilities exist too. Many Pokémon tend to dream about other Pokémon, typically ones that can’t really exist. Imagine being able to obtain a Pokémon with a different ability than it typically has, or special attacks they can’t normally know! It could be revolutionary for trainers as well.” she concluded.

This is actually pretty clever. Well done on this count.

“I’m in too.” David mimed. “If Bianca is going, I’m going.” he thought to himself. He heard Paula giggle very faintly in his head at that remark.

...

David was surprised at his friend’s blunt rudeness, but on the other hand, it meant more alone time with Bianca, and he couldn’t argue with that.

This is not good, if his sole motivation for anything is impressing Bianca.

Bianca had a good point, but this place gave David the creeps. He didn’t want to look unmanly in front of her, but he also didn’t want to get wrapped up in something bigger than they were anticipating.

This is a terrible justification argument for his actions. Being concerned about looking 'manly' in front of someone suggests a degree of narcissism and coupling that on top of everything else David has shown so far does not help his case for likability.

“David! I’m s-s-s-scared!” Bianca whispered in his ear. They were hunched over in the corner, hidden behind the machine for cover. She was knelt right behind him; he could hear and feel her breath and could practically feel her heartbeat.

“Well, at least one good thing came of all this…” he thought to himself.

...No.

They're in the middle of a potential crisis and David still can't keep it down about Bianca? His behavior is getting less and less appropriate as we go.

“Hey yeah! It’s nothing but a couple of no good kiddies.” his partner replied. “What the Hell are you two doing here? Trying to find a nice dark place away from mommy and daddy to go make out?” he continued mockingly. David blushed at the thought, but quickly snapped back.

There's nothing to say here, because the Grunt's remark was clearly intended to specifically set up David's reaction.

“Hey, stop that! Don’t hurt it!” she shouted. “Pachirisu, use Quick Attack!” she commanded. Pachirisu leapt into action and kicked the man squarely in the jaw. The shock and pain from the blow loosened his grip and the Munna was able to escape. It flew quickly across the room and hid behind Bianca, trying to stay as much out of sight as possible. David ran across the room, took a flying leap, and smashed into the grunt, delivering a tremendous Superman-esque punch to his face. The grunt flew back and landed square on his ***, dazed and bleeding from the surprise blow.

While I don't like how David steals Bianca's spotlight, I do like that she got a chance to see some action against the Plasma Grunts.

“Aww…” Bianca cooed sweetly.

You're using that word again.

“Hmm… so it looks like Pachirisu’s Hidden Power is Ice.” David mused. “That’s actually really awesome; Ice is very effective against Grass-types, so you should have no problem beating Cilan now.” he explained.

To be brutally honest, that's an asspull. She just randomly got a powerup that serves her perfectly in fighting Cilan right when she needed it? It strains credibility.

“Well, that’s what you get for being a prick to Fennel.” David said back mockingly, stretching in his chair. “She even gave us a TM she was so pleased.” he continued. Cheren turned to face him in surprise at the news.

“Really? Which one?” he asked.

“Hidden Power, and you can’t use it. You didn’t come help us, so pppppth!” Bianca answered, sticking her tongue out at him.

I'm used to David being rude to Cheren all the time, but why is Bianca suddenly being a ***** to him too?

Okay, I'll be honest here. There are two things that are horribly crippling this story from what I've read so far. Those things are the poorly written and awkwardly shorehorned-in Bianca romance and the subordination fetish fuel that passes as Paula's personality. These two things cause the quality of the story to immediately drop every time they come up.

However, they expose an even bigger and more serious problem: without them, the story would literally be an 95% identical copy of the BW games except for the protagonists being older and more foul-mouthed.

On the characters: I'm finding it hard to care about any of them, because they all fulfill very flat stereotypes. David is the stereotypical alpha male jock who supposedly has a softer side, Cheren is the abused sidekick friend, and Bianca exists only to be arm candy for David. It is difficult to care about or sympathize with characters like this, who are rather dull and two-dimensional.

It's a shame, too. You're clearly trying, but this isn't coming out well at all.

[3D992]

Can I be added to the PM list also? You have by far the best fanfic going here! The fact that its almost complete is great! Not many fics get that far. I enjoy this very much! I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

Edit: I think this is the only Gardevoir containing fic that isnt human/pokemon. Thats good.

[ChaosBlizzard]

Hi everyone. Sorry for my very long (admittedly much longer than I anticipated) absence. This last month was the end of the semester, so finals, projects coming due, increased workload, etc etc... I've talked about my school in this thread before, so I won't rehash the details. I just wanted to say that I just finished my first draft of the next chapter and I plan on posting it either tomorrow (the 25th) or Friday (the 27th). My last final (calculus) is on Thursday, so it won't be that day if I don't get it up tomorrow. Expect Friday actually, but it might be sooner.

Anyway, just wanted to leave the good news. Hopefully I didn't lose too many of you during the break. I'd also just like to say that the chapter after this coming one (chapter 27) is going to be really good. It will be on par with chapter 10, for reference. I just re-read through my outline for the chapter that I wrote a few months ago and (don't take this the wrong way, I know I'm not that good) it was actually kind of chilling. I'm really looking forward to writing it and seeing what you guys think. N has an awesome backstory and that's what these next two chapters cover.

Thanks for reading, as always. New chapter within the week, and more new chapters on a more regular basis again after that. Don't forget that the contest is still running also but that time is running out. Once this next chapter is posted, you'll have between then and the time of the chapter after that one being posted to submit your entries, so get them in soon.

[jstinftw!]

Hi everyone. Sorry for my very long (admittedly much longer than I anticipated) absence. This last month was the end of the semester, so finals, projects coming due, increased workload, etc etc... I've talked about my school in this thread before, so I won't rehash the details. I just wanted to say that I just finished my first draft of the next chapter and I plan on posting it either tomorrow (the 25th) or Friday (the 27th). My last final (calculus) is on Thursday, so it won't be that day if I don't get it up tomorrow. Expect Friday actually, but it might be sooner.

Anyway, just wanted to leave the good news. Hopefully I didn't lose too many of you during the break. I'd also just like to say that the chapter after this coming one (chapter 27) is going to be really good. It will be on par with chapter 10, for reference. I just re-read through my outline for the chapter that I wrote a few months ago and (don't take this the wrong way, I know I'm not that good) it was actually kind of chilling. I'm really looking forward to writing it and seeing what you guys think. N has an awesome backstory and that's what these next two chapters cover.

Thanks for reading, as always. New chapter within the week, and more new chapters on a more regular basis again after that. Don't forget that the contest is still running also but that time is running out. Once this next chapter is posted, you'll have between then and the time of the chapter after that one being posted to submit your entries, so get them in soon.

YAY FOR NEW CHAPTER! I'm still here! (:

And OH NOEESSS!! I HAVE A WEEK TO FINISH THIS CHARACTER!! *neglects work and types up submission*

[3D992]

You lost me.




Just kidding! I'll be here, dont you worry!

[ChaosBlizzard]

    Spoiler:- Author's Notes:

Show Spoiler

 
Author's Notes:
Hi everyone. Pardon the longer-than-expected hiatus, but here is Chapter 26, “Anthea & Concordia – Betrayal.” This chapter is the first in a two-part chapter ark that will cover N’s backstory. Some of the information in these chapters does come from the games directly, but a lot will be from extended canon and the stuff on that one blog post Junichi Masuda made a while back, and some of it (like the scale of the Wastelands, please don’t flame me) are my own brand of embellishing like you’ve seen many times before in this story. Hope you guys like it.

Just three short things I want to say before I leave you with it; first and foremost, the contest is still going well. We’ve gotten 2 new entries since the last chapter was posted, for a total of 8 correctly submitted entries. However, with this chapter now posted, you officially have one chapter left to submit your entries. When Chapter 27 is posted (which will be within the next week probably), the contest will be closed and I will no longer be accepting submissions. The reason is of course because Chapter 28 will be the first chapter to feature the winning character, so in order to write the thing, I have to have picked a winner. Too long didn’t read version, you still have time to submit but… you know… get off your arse.

Second, I just want to say that Route 10 is my favorite part of Unova (or at least favorite non-city area), and I think that shows in this chapter. And third, while it is somewhat brief and admittedly not exactly what you all meant, you asked for more Burgh, so you get more Burgh.

Anyway, I’ll leave you to it now. Thanks for enduring the wait and as always, thanks for reading.
-ChaosBlizzard
 

Chronicles of Unova

Chapter 26: Anthea & Concordia – Betrayal

It was another rainy day in Castelia City. It seemed as if the poor weather always dogged the city when Team Plasma had business there…

“No no no! Leavanny! Quick! Get out of–” Burgh tried to shout, but his desperate cry was ultimately inaudible under the “crash!” of the Legendary Dragon opposite him. N was his typical calm and collected self as Zekrom dealt his final blow of the match.

“Fusion Bolt…” he murmured, but the command was unnecessary. Zekrom had already intuited the command his partner would give and acted upon it without the slightest bit of hesitation. The deafening rumble of the turbine-like generator in his tail roared as it spun at full tilt. The dragon’s charcoal black body was sizzling with waves of light blue sparks as an overabundance of electricity danced across it. Zekrom bellowed a roar nearly as loud as the whine of the motor as a spherical force-field suddenly engulfed him. Rising into the air, the Deep Black Pokémon lurched forward and slammed into the Gym Leader’s final Pokémon with unbridled strength. The frail Leavanny never stood a chance; tossed across the room, discarded like a piece of trash, it was instantly defeated just the same as the rest of Burgh’s team. N had swept the Castelia Gym Leader, the same as he had against every other Gym Leader he had faced. Burgh fell to his knees from the shock of his resoundingly crushing defeat.

Another opponent yielding to his legendary strength, Zekrom landed and roared once again as the force-field faded. N chuckled and nodded his head.

“Thank you, my friend.” he murmured. Zekrom growled in acknowledgment and stood down.

Burgh’s glazed eyes stared at the ground before him, his body seemingly comatose as he tried to come to grips with the sheer power that had just defeated him. N and Zekrom hadn’t just defeated him, they had crushed him; it had been an all-out massacre. His Pokémon had never even stood a chance. They were systematically destroyed in one hit a piece by the legendary titan. Burgh had been a trainer for years; he thought he knew what was necessary to keep his friends safe from harm. His whole body was limp and his muscles shook uncontrollably as the reality of his demise soaked in.

“And thank you.” N shouted across the field. His opponent’s words stirred Burgh from his stupor, but his eyes remained glazed. N began calmly walking towards him, but the images hardly registered within Burgh’s temporarily shattered mind.

“May I have my Insect Badge?” N asked as he approached. Burgh stared at him vacantly having not really heard the words. He moved like a zombie and drew a badge from his pocket, but his mouth was ajar and his eyes were still unseeing. He handed the badge to N, but his arms then went limp again. Sitting crushed in the dirt of the Gym floor, he slowly began to sob.

“Thank you, Mr. Burgh. Have a nice day.” N said politely. He left the battered man to his own morbid thoughts as he and Zekrom began heading back to the entrance.

Lennon and McCartney had been waiting at the entrance for their king and had been watching the battle awkwardly. They had been journeying around Unova with N and Zekrom for a few weeks now and grew more and more worried by the day. With the first part of the prophecy now fulfilled, N intended to enter the Pokémon League Championships to fulfill the second. With Zekrom by his side, no one would likely turn him away for not having eight badges, but he wanted to do things the right way if he could help it. Burgh’s badge was only the most recent in his conquest through the region however; no Gym Leader as of yet had managed to survive even a single blow from Zekrom, nor attempt to land one of their own first. Every battle had been a sweep for N, and it was a trend that was showing no signs of breaking. Unfortunately, it was for this very reason that Lennon and McCartney were so worried.

“There goes another one…” Lennon murmured. He sounded nominally happy for his king on the surface, but he was deeply troubled below the water.

“Zekrom and I will travel the region, defeating the eight Gym Leaders and earning our right to enter the Pokémon League Championships. We will defeat the Champion and be recognized as the greatest might in all the land, and when none shall stand to oppose us, when all have been smote, we will declare an end to Pokémon battles and an end to humanity’s dominance over Pokémon. All shall hear and obey, or the Unova region will suffer the consequences…”

N’s final words at Dragonspiral Tower rang hollowly through their heads. Try as they might, they couldn’t shake them. Team Plasma had been getting steadily worse and worse for the two special agents prior to attaining that rank at the hands of N. They had almost been to the point of deserting the organization before meeting their king in person in Nimbasa City. Where Team Plasma had failed in their eyes, N had risen from the ashes and succeeded. He had always represented everything for them that Team Plasma had failed to live up to. He was calm, collected, rationing, fair and level. He meant what he said and had proven time and time again that he truly was in it to save the Pokémon, just like they themselves were. But those things he had said at the tower, his talk of “smiting” and the people of the region “suffering consequences,” was all so uncharacteristic of him that they feared Zekrom’s power was going to his head. They knew they didn’t dare disobey their king so close to victory, but they worried that he too was beginning to change.

“Y-yeah…” McCartney stuttered a saddened reply. They both could sense it in each other’s voice; there had been something in the way Zekrom had so violently defeated Burgh’s Pokémon in comparison to the other Gym Leaders that made them uncomfortable. They both felt the need to do something, but they didn’t dare guess what.

“Lennon?” McCartney stammered a few seconds later. Lennon turned to acknowledge him but didn’t say anything.

“I… I think we need to do something about N…” he whispered worriedly. Lennon felt a pit grow in his stomach as his partner finally vocalized what they had both been thinking for so long.

“What are you talking about? What about him?” Lennon asked, feigning ignorance. McCartney wasn’t going to have it though.

“Oh don’t give me that, Lennon, you know damn well what I mean. N has changed; we both see it in him.” he snapped back. Turning his gaze back to the battlefield as N collected his badge, he sighed and mournfully appended, “…he needs help.”

Lennon was loyal to N to a fault. He knew McCartney was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

“I…” he started to say, but he couldn’t finish the thought and trailed off. He sighed and turned away.

“Admit it; you see it too.” McCartney said, turning now to face his partner. “Zekrom has changed him; it started happening almost as soon as we reached the top of the tower. N is being consumed by Zekrom’s power. It’s like a plague, infecting his mind. The man we use to know and follow was a pure and kind soul who only thought of the suffering of Pokémon. That man would never have talked of destroying the region or hurting Pokémon like this in the name of liberation. We need to do something!” he continued. Lennon snapped and turned his sharp gaze to face his partner.

“Yeah? And what the Hell do you want to do, McCartney? How are we supposed to help him, huh?” he growled in a low whisper so N wouldn’t overhear. “Defiance to Lord N would be disloyalty to the cause. What is it you suggest we do? Give up on all this and forsake Team Plasma?” he asked. McCartney laid a hand on his partner’s shoulder and motioned subtly towards the field.

“What cause are you fighting for, Lennon?” he asked. Motioning towards Burgh as he violently shook and sobbed, and towards the battered and beaten form of the Gym Leader’s Leavanny, he appended, “This is disloyalty to the cause.”

Lennon sighed. He looked at his feet and knew McCartney was right. He would never betray their cause of Pokémon Liberation, but he knew deep inside that N really had changed somehow. Even if it didn’t always show in his calculating and calm appearance, his mind was growing more violent as he spent more time around Zekrom. McCartney was right.

“…okay, fine.” he murmured. “But what do we do?” he asked. McCartney tried to look him in the eyes, but there was great apprehension before he replied.

“I think…” he began, but he almost couldn’t bring himself to voice his suggestion. Taking a deep breath, he got it out. “I think we need to find the goddesses.” he said. Lennon gasped and backed away in shock.

“What the Hell?! The goddesses?! Are you crazy? McCartney, you can’t really be suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.” he whispered in disbelief. McCartney tried to respond, but N had almost reached their earshot by now. Lennon motioned curtly and commandingly for his partner to stay quiet, but McCartney’s idea had wormed its way into his mind.

“Gentlemen…” N said politely as he approached them. Zekrom was immediately in toe; static still crackled from his body and gave the air a slight charge. Lennon and McCartney nervously snapped to attention before them.

“Milord…” they both murmured. They were trying to hide as best they could the nature of what they had just been discussing. Lennon was having difficulty putting McCartney’s terse suggestion out of his mind however.

“What did you think of the battle?” N asked with a smile. Lennon and McCartney looked at each other nervously before responding.

“It, uh… well sir, it was terrible, as always.” Lennon said matter-of-factly, thinking it was the answer his king was expecting. On the contrary though, N looked quite puzzled.

“A necessary evil to hurt those poor Pokémon as we continue towards ultimate liberation, don’t you agree, Lord N?” McCartney appended. N’s confused look slowly turned to a proud smile as McCartney answered.

“Captain McCartney, as usual you are spot on.” he said with a chuckle. “I’ve gotten so wrapped up in these battles as of late, at times I almost find myself enjoying them.” he said modestly. Lennon and McCartney again shot each other nervous glances; Lennon sighed as the suspicions of their earlier conversation were further confirmed.

“It, uhh… happens to the best of us, sir.” McCartney reassured him. He turned towards his partner and shot a longing look; it was crazy and defiant and perhaps even impossible, but as much as Lennon hated it, he knew what had to be done.

“Indeed.” N said with another smile. “Shall we depart then?” he asked. Lennon sighed and gathered his courage.

“Uhh… sir… there’s, um… there’s actually a favor we’d like to ask of you…” he stammered. N cocked an eyebrow and chuckled a surprised laugh.

“Really? Well by all means, please ask! Anything for my two finest agents!” he said excitedly. Lennon was afraid, but he knew McCartney’s plan had to be attempted.

“We, um… well, we’re not really doing much for you while we’re going around Unova collecting these badges with you. You’re more than half way there by now, and you, well… you don’t really need us, do you, sir?” he asked. N looked a little saddened by Lennon’s self-putdown.

“Well… I suppose not particularly, but I certainly enjoy your company.” he said, trying to make them feel better. Lennon smiled but it unfortunately didn’t alleviate the larger problem.

“Thank you, Lord N, that means a great deal, but that’s not what I’m getting at.” he continued. “We, um… we were wondering if perhaps we could take the next week off for a personal trip while you finish getting your badges. There’s, uh… something we need to attend to…” he said nervously. “Something kind of private…” he appended. N looked a bit surprised at first, but smiled immediately thereafter at Lennon’s request.

“Captain Lennon, you two are some of the highest ranking officials in Team Plasma and two of my most closely regarded advisors. You both are more than welcome to take the time you need.” he said magnanimously. Lennon was slightly relieved by how N had received his request, but there was still the matter of following through on their plans that troubled him.

“Thank you, sir. We truly appreciate it.” he said humbly. McCartney mimicked the sentiment.

“We will meet back up with you at Victory Road just before the tournament starts. We know you and Zekrom will have no trouble finishing up with the remaining badges.” McCartney praised, trying to throw off any shadow of suspicion N might have; it was unnecessary however, as N smiled and extended his hand.

“Thank you, Captain McCartney. I will see you both in a week.” he said as he shook their hands. Parting ways, he and Zekrom left the Gym and took off into the skies for their next battle. Leaving Burgh behind, Lennon and McCartney stepped out into the rain themselves and sighed as the first part of their impromptu mission was complete.

“McCartney… what we’re doing is suicide.” Lennon said as N flew out of sight. “I mean… the goddesses? Are you even positive that they’ll be at the castle?” he asked. McCartney was just as nervous as Lennon was, but wore a determined look on his face as he tried to reassure his partner.

“Lennon, remember: we’re doing this for N. Pokémon Liberation will mean nothing if he loses himself and becomes a tyrant because of all this. It’s the only way; they have to know.” he said. Lennon fought back the idea with one final push, but he finally had to yield and acknowledge the reality.

“Yeah… yeah, you’re right…” he murmured. “I just don’t want to see the smart look on that brat’s face…” he appended. McCartney laid his hand over his partner’s shoulder and looked in his eyes.

“I don’t either, mate, but we’re doing it for N.” he said. Lennon sighed and nodded to confirm.

“For Lord N…” he replied. The two men were silent after that; there was work to be done. They headed off into the rain and prepared to begin the journey that would make them traitors.

“For Lord N.” they both thought.

* * *

The Unova region was comprised of three main peninsulas which extended to the south: Eastern, Central and Western Unova. If one went far enough north however, the three peninsulas all ultimately extended from one large, central landmass: The Wastelands. It was at the southeastern edge of this vast desert that the Elite Four’s Pavilion was built, the marble fortress standing day in and day out against the harsh sun. The Wastelands were an uninhabitable, barren desert that were largely unexplored; the only human structure anyone knew of was what the Pokémon League had colonized. Only a handful of species of Pokémon could inhabit the arid, rocky terrain, and even then only along the southern edge. If something needed to be hidden, there was almost no better place in the region to do it.

Unbeknownst to anyone, Team Plasma had secretly built a massive castle in the Wastelands as their primary organizational headquarters. Very few even in Team Plasma knew of the presence of the castle; it had no useful purpose to anyone besides the Sages and other high ranking officials. The castle was sturdily built and well supplied with water and other necessities, making the harsh environment largely a non-issue. It served perfectly as a deterrent to those who might seek them out however; the castle was one of the best kept secrets in Team Plasma.

Lennon and McCartney had traveled a long distance to reach the castle from Castelia City. They had traveled overnight and utilized motorized transportation to reach it in the span of roughly a day. The sun was at its zenith when they arrived, shining from a perfectly blue sky as it baked the land. Even in the winter months, the dry desert heat was debilitating. It had been a lengthy trip, but it had given them time to think.

“Well… there is it, mate; the Royal Plasma Castle.” Lennon murmured tiredly as they came within view of the building. There was a distinct sadness and concern in his voice as their trip drew to a close; the long distance had served as a time stall, putting off the terrible task he knew they would have to commit.

“They’re inside, Lennon. We’ve just got to find them and bring them to him. We’ve been through this; you know this is right.” McCartney replied. Their pair left their transportation and began heading towards the grand doors of the castle, but Lennon sighed in desperation.

“I do, I do. It still just doesn’t sit right though, obviously.” he replied.

The agent guarding the door snapped to attention as Lennon and McCartney approached a moment later. Lennon grit his teeth and tried to at least put on a façade to get past him, but his emotions were still in turmoil under the surface.

“Authentication, please.” the guard said. He showed no sign of disrespect in front of his presumed superiors, but he was firm in upholding his duty.

“We are Special Agents in Lord N’s private task force. Our rank is Captain.” Lennon answered back strongly. He and McCartney held up badges to confirm the statement, but the guard was visibly pacified just by the mention of N’s name. He nodded and stood aside.

“Your clearance level is B, sir. You are free to tend to your business in any area unrestricted to your clearance tier.” he explained. Lennon nodded silently and entered with McCartney. The sturdy doors shut behind them, locking them into their mission.

“No going back now…” Lennon murmured to himself. He sighed and relaxed his muscles, having gotten past the guard without raising any suspicions. So close to their objective, the terrible reality of what they would have to do was becoming more and more real.

“Lennon, we have to do this. The Hero of Truth is the only one who can stop this, so he has to know what he’s up against.” McCartney whispered as they ventured into the castle depths.

“Damn it, stop saying that.” Lennon snapped back under his breath. “I know damn well why we’re doing this; Lord N is going to lose himself to that thing if we don’t. It doesn’t soften the reality of what we’re about to do though. McCartney, make no bones about it; we will be traitors after this.” he said. McCartney was silent and sullen as he let the words wash over him.

“If what we’re about to do succeeds, Team Plasma will not be able to liberate the world’s Pokémon as we’ve always dreamed. We are taking distinct destructive action against the organization we’ve done so much work to build up. Is saving N more important to us than saving the Pokémon?” Lennon continued. They were nearing their destination within the castle. After a thoughtful pause, McCartney replied.

“N is the only one who can save the Pokémon, Lennon. If we lose him, we lose them both. David has to know.” he said.

“I hope you’re right, mate…” Lennon replied.

The pair had reached a large, sturdy blast door in the center of the castle. Dark, winding hallways had brought them here, and it was here that they would commit their deed. An intimidating, unmoving guard stood before the door, blocking their entrance. He was massive in stature and his hood covered his eyes. Swallowing his fear and taking the plunge, Lennon approached the man commandingly with McCartney in tow.

“Halt.” the burly guard said. The Plasma Captains stopped, but they were hopeful that they could get past him without a fight.

“This is a tier A restricted zone. There is no access to those with improper clearance. Identify yourselves.” the guard announced. Lennon approached him while fishing out his badge.

“We are Special Agents in Lord N’s private task force. Our rank is Captain. Stand down.” he answered, trying to sound as confident and alpha as he could. The guard was unimpressed however and repeated his request.

“Please state your clearance level.” he clarified. “Your rank is insufficient information.” Lennon grit his teeth and took a small step back.

“…B.” he muttered. The Plasma Captains knew what was about to have to happen; McCartney began casually walking closer as nonchalantly as he could.

“This is a tier A restricted zone. You have improper clearance; I cannot allow you entrance. Please leave.” the guard stated firmly. His fixed gaze remained firmly anchored forward. The dismissed Captains were of utterly no significance to him anymore. Lennon sighed and tried to buy McCartney a few extra seconds of time.

“Well, alright then. Thank you, good sir. We’ll just be on our–” Lennon said, but before he could finish his statement, a dull “thud!” sounded in front of him.

“…way.” McCartney finished for him. He had snuck up along side of the guard and dropped a swift blow to the back of his head. The unconscious guard was significantly larger in stature than McCartney was, but the blow was struck in just the right place to drop him. To be honest, Lennon was mildly surprised that it had actually worked himself; he knelt down and took the man’s key card to open the door.

Lennon and McCartney said no further words. They simply exchanged a look and a nod before continuing on. Lennon opened the sturdy door and the pair snuck in. From there on out, they would be traitors to Team Plasma. It would only be a matter of time before the unconscious guard would be discovered. Pulling their hoods over their eyes, the agents slipped into the shadows and the darkness to complete their mission.

* * *

It very quickly became apparent to the former Plasma agents why this new part of the castle had been so strictly guarded. While the main portion of the interior had been admittedly dark and gothic, it was nothing like this. Shadows were more abundant than light in the eerie cobblestone hallways, and a faint smell of brimstone singed their noses. Corridors barely big enough to let one person through suddenly expanded into cavernous intersections, each one splitting off into three other paths into the seemingly endless maze. Blindly moving forward, knowing only generally where they were going and what lay ahead, Lennon and McCartney silently trekked on in search of their prize. Their hoods were drawn like assassins to hide their faces, but though the faint sound of people could be occasionally heard in the perpetual “distance,” no one seemed to be around to notice the spies.

“I’ve never seen anything like this…” Lennon thought to himself. The catacombs of the castle seemed more fitting for a dungeon than a royal palace. Whatever this all was, it was a side of Team Plasma he and McCartney had never seen before. Fear was beginning to creep upon him as they strode through the passageways. He wanted more than anything to be able to speak to his partner, if only to calm his nerves, but he knew the idle chatter would just be noise that could get them discovered. He continued on, focusing on the task at hand.

“For Lord N…” he reassured himself.

After what seemed like over an hour, the occasional sounds of people talking in the distance that had been dogging them seemed to grow louder and more frequent. They had been wandering the catacombs blindly, and while they knew what they were looking for and knew they would know it when they saw it, they really had no concept of where exactly within the endless hallways it was. The increasing sounds were somewhat reassuring that they were on the right track, but also made them more cautious of being spotted.

“Get Boldore ready, Lennon.” McCartney whispered. Lennon laid a hand over Boldore’s Pokéball on the holster beneath his cloak.

The hallway they had been traveling down came to another intersection like the hundred they had already passed before. Down the corridor to their left however was a bright light about fifty feet away. Cautious and distinctly aware of the lack of cover, Lennon and McCartney slowly began heading down it, being as quiet as could be. They stopped when they neared the end.

The light source had come from a reasonably large antechamber at the end of the corridor. The large, bulbous room was lit by a half-dozen torches lining the walls. On the far wall were a set of massive iron doors, designed exactly like the ones that had led them into this portion of the castle but over twice as tall and wide. The door was guarded by four Plasma grunts, lazily standing about the antechamber and not very dutifully honoring their posts. To be fair, they had little reason to; they weren’t expecting anyone to have broken into the castle and to have come all this way without being spotted. Today was not their lucky day however…

“This is it. It has to be.” McCartney whispered. They were still hidden by the shadows of the hallway, just out of sight of the guards. “I count four of them in total; one by the door, one on the left, two on the right. The goddesses have to be inside. You ready to do this?” he asked. Lennon took a breath and nodded silently. They drew their Pokéballs and prepared to take the big plunge.

The four guards were completely inattentive. One of the two leaning against the wall to the Plasma Captains’ right lazily kicked at a pebble that lay on the stone floor at his feet. The man beside him took a breath to speak, but didn’t make it very far into his bored statement.

“Did you see the Druddigon game last ni–” he started to say, but was cut off.

“Poison Gas!” McCartney shouted. Before any of them even had an inkling as to what was happening, a billowing cloud of purple smoke filled the room. It very quickly shrouded the lot of them, both obscuring their vision and sending them into violent fits of coughing. Blinded and incapacitated, the traitors pressed the attack.

“Ahh! Ahh… attack!” the nominal “leader” of the troop wheezed through the smoke, but he could barely even stand, similar to the rest of his squad. As Lennon’s Boldore stomped into the room, his trainer gave a command.

“Smack Down, Boldore!” Lennon commanded. Standing just on the edge of Garbodor’s Poison Gas cloud, the Ore Pokémon took careful aim and lobbed a small but dangerous projectile at the two guards he could see. Completely unable to defend themselves, the two of them collapsed to the floor, knocked unconscious by the blows to the head. The other two however were obscured by the smog, unable to defend themselves but also somewhat protected from their attackers. Realizing what was happening, the one who had spoken drew a Pokémon of his own.

“Quick! Mandibuzz, help us!” one of the two remaining agents coughed. Tossing a Pokéball blindly into the haze, the harsh “caw!” of his partner Pokémon sounded.

“Defog!” he shouted. The Bone Vulture Pokémon gave several strong flaps of her wings, pushing the remaining gas down the hallway behind Lennon and McCartney. It had cleared the noxious fumes and restored both visibility and the guards’ ability to breathe comfortably, but it had also cleared Boldore and Garbodor’s line of sight.

“Who’s there?” the two remaining guards coughed as the smoke cleared. “Show your–” he started to say, but as he realized who or what had attacked them, he cut himself short.

“You… you’re Team Plasma agents.” he whispered in disbelief. Lennon and McCartney stood before them, side-by-side with their Pokémon flanking them powerfully. Their hoods were drawn and their stances firm. They looked dangerous and were careful to not reveal their faces.

“Stand down. We don’t want to have to hurt you too.” Lennon said. The tension was thick as the guards remained silent in disbelief. After a few tense seconds, the guard with the Mandibuzz grasped at his comrade’s arm.

“Quick, alert the others!” he said. The other guard reached under his cloak and pulled out a transmitter of some kind, but before he could activate it, Boldore shot it out of his hands. The device shattered as it struck the wall behind him. Boldore made a low creaking sound as a stern warning to the guard.

“What did we just say?” McCartney asked, trying to sound intimidating. The guard who had pulled out the transmitter snarled and turned back around.

“So you want a fight, do ya?” he growled. Pulling out a Pokéball to match his partner, he threw it to oppose Lennon and McCartney. A proud, strong looking Sawsbuck sprang out, landing on the ground loudly as its hooves struck the stones. Lennon and McCartney snarled under their hoods at the unfortunate response they had gotten. They couldn’t be too upset though; it was what they themselves would have done if confronted with such a situation before meeting N.

“I’ll only say it one more time: stand down.” Lennon repeated firmly. “We don’t want to have to hurt you also, but we will if we have to.” he said. The guards were unafraid however; commands flew to initiate attacks.

“Mandibuzz, Bone Rush!”

“Sawsbuck, Nature Power!”

With no choice but to fight back, the battle proper had begun.

The shrill cry of the imposing Mandibuzz once again filled the air. Grasping one of the bones tucked away in her scraggy feathers, the Bone Vulture flew with terrific speed towards Lennon’s Boldore. Despite being a Flying-type against a type advantageous Rock-type Pokémon, the Bone Rush attack was a Ground-type move and would actually work very effectively if it managed to connect. Lennon was reluctant to have to fight, but he knew he had to act fast. Accepting his fate, he called for a counterattack.

“Rock Blast, Boldore!” he shouted. His sturdy companion began firing a steady stream of rocky projectiles towards the incoming missile of a bird, but she gracefully spun past them in the air as she continued her approach. The Mandibuzz screeched again as she flew in close, and with tremendous strength, took a powerful swing at her opponent. Boldore made a low, shaky grunt as he withstood the strike from her bone, but it was obvious that several more attacks like that would take their toll. The Mandibuzz began circling back around for another pass.

Across the room, the Sawsbuck’s eyes and hooves began to strongly glow. Rearing up on its hind legs, the Season Pokémon whinnied and came crashing down on the cobblestone ground a moment later. Its Nature Power attack utilized what was available to it and sent a hailstorm of jagged stones out of the ground towards McCartney’s Garbodor. The Plasma Captain knew there was no time to dodge, so he would have to improvise and rely on brute strength.

“Garbodor, use Acid Spray!” he commanded sternly. A sizzling, burning wash of green liquid shot from one of the pipes on Garbodor’s messy body. The acid met the stones in midair and was powerful enough to erode them into nothing more than harmless pebbles in just an instant. The Acid Spray was only mildly deterred by the obstacle; it continued through the air and connected with the grassy exterior of the opposing Sawsbuck. The deer screamed in pain as it singed the foliage on its horns. Shaking the spray away, the Grass-type Pokémon had taken serious damage from the Poison-type attack.

Things weren’t going so well for Lennon. The Mandibuzz continued to dodge Boldore’s shrapnel fire of Rock Blast as it turned back around for its second pass. Boldore would need an easy, close range shot if it was going to compete against the Mandibuzz’s speed; luckily, Lennon had a plan.

“Boldore, just wait for it to come in. Get ready to tense up on my signal.” he ordered. The Ore Pokémon growled again and hunkered down to take the attack. With a clear window of opportunity, the Mandibuzz cried shrilly again and made a beeline for her opponent, bone at the ready to strike. Picking up speed to strengthen the attack, she shot forward and took aim. Just before the second blow connected, Lennon gave a new command.

“Iron Defense!” he shouted. Boldore’s body became coated in a thin layer of steel, rendering the attack much less effective and temporarily stunning the Mandibuzz from the unexpected level of resistance her attack was met with. Her head ringing and slowed down for the moment, Boldore saw his window to strike.

“Smack Down, go, now!” Lennon cried. Boldore shot a razor-sharp rock towards the exposed midsection of his opponent. Unable to defend herself against it, the attack sent the clipped and weakened Mandibuzz to her back on the ground.

The second guard’s Sawsbuck was damaged, but had managed to shake off all of the acid from Garbodor’s attack. It was at less than half health however and didn’t have a particularly good comeback strategy. His trainer knew he had to buy them some time, so he issued a new command.

“Horn Leech, Sawsbuck!” he shouted angrily. The strong, emboldened elk once again reared up on its hind legs to psych itself up, then began sprinting towards its opponent with its head tucked in to charge. If the Horn Leech attack was successful, it would restore some of the damage dealt as health back to him; that assumed it managed to do damage in the first place however. The Trash Heap Pokémon stood his ground and waited for a counter command.

Lennon and the guard with the Mandibuzz were in the final stage of their own battle. The Mandibuzz was clipped and unable to fly. Meanwhile, Boldore was still relatively healthy and poised to strike a finishing blow. The Mandibuzz stirred herself and realized what was about to happen, but she couldn’t get away.

“Boldore, finish this. Rock Blast.” Lennon said calmly. Boldore did not overdo the attack. Peppering the weakened Mandibuzz with one last spray, Boldore finished his fight and stood triumphant over his defeated opponent. McCartney gave his own final command seconds later.

“Garbodor, Sludge Bomb.” he said just a bit less calmly. Garbodor had a clean shot at the charging Season Pokémon. Lobbing a bundle of dripping slime, the Poison-type attack covered the weakened Grass-type and sent it tumbling to the ground beside his teammate. The double battle was over, and Lennon and McCartney had won.

“Now then…” Lennon said, adjusting his hood to further cover his eyes. “Stand. Aside.” he said firmly and coolly. The guards looked at their defeated Pokémon in disbelief and growled angrily.

“Not on your life!” the one with the Mandibuzz shouted. Lennon sighed and was disappointed.

“I’m sorry to hear that…” he said. “Boldore?” he continued; two more unconscious and slightly bloodied bodies hit the floor a moment later.

Lennon and McCartney returned their Pokémon to their Pokéballs. In their wake were four unconscious Plasma agents and two soundly defeated Pokémon. The sight was a saddening one, but somehow not as appalling as Lennon had anticipated it being. Their act of defiance against Team Plasma had been strangely therapeutic for the Plasma Captain. Stepping over the bodies, the pair approached the door.

“Ready?” Lennon asked.

“Ready.” McCartney replied. On the count of three, the pair worked together to open one of the sturdy doors. They managed to drag it just far enough open to get through.

Inside the doors was a lavish, frilly bedchamber. Dim candles lit the flickering room and gave the boudoir a hint of a sensual air to it. The room itself was massive though; several other smaller rooms branched off from the main foyer, one of which directly in front of them held a grand circular bed with pink linens. The Plasma Captains nervously looked around for the prize which they sought.

“Hello?” Lennon softly called out. No verbal response came, but a rustling noise from one of the rooms on their right sounded.

From the room, two younger-middle aged women nervously appeared. They were understandably surprised at the sight of their unexpected visitors, especially given the commotion that had just gone on outside. The women were exceptionally beautiful however and lavishly dressed. They wore flowing silk gowns, trimmed at the breast and without sleeves. One had long, flowing hair in a washed-out pink color, and the other had much shorter hair, but done up like rabbit ears and in a similarly washed-out blonde. The second one spoke.

“W-who are you?” she asked, not surprisingly with some trepidation. Lennon and McCartney fell to one knee instantly and, placing their right hands across their knees and on the hilt of their swords, removed their hoods out of respect.

“Your Graces, Lord N is in trouble.” Lennon said simply. The two women nodded their heads.

“Lead the way.” they said in unison.

* * *

Sweet smelling smoke drifted into the air from a crackling campfire along the shore of a river on Route 10. The sun was setting, blanketing the area in a rich, amber red. Route 10 was renowned as one of the absolute most beautiful parts of the entire Unova region. Virtually nowhere else in the region could match its natural beauty, and it was certainly the most beautiful place David had ever personally been. He, Cheren, Bianca and Paula sat around the campfire as their other Pokémon finished their dinner by the river. A calm, quiet lull had fallen over their conversation temporarily; it was peaceful and gave David a chance to think.

Route 10 was a somewhat shorter route, running through a gorge that led from Opelucid City at the southern end to Victory Road and the Elite Four’s Pavilion in the north. Situated as it was, the route was surrounded on all sides by the rocky enclosure. A river ran through the middle of the route that would widen and expand into the bay that ultimately divided Central and Eastern Unova farther south. It traced its humble beginnings back to Route 10 however where it flowed down from glaciers in the Wastelands to the north. The rest of the route was filled with strong, sweet smelling pine trees like could be found in such abundance nowhere else in the world. The route was full of things to remind one of both the scale and power of the nature around them. The area was virtually perfect in its untouched and pristine beauty.

As David stared into the fire and thought about his upcoming challenge at the Pokémon League, he noticed Paula stir across from him unexpectedly. She looked up and stared into the bushes behind him with a curious gaze. The fins along her face twitched slightly and she seemed to be sensing something. David spoke up to question her.

“Something wrong, Paula?” he asked mentally, as so to not disturb Cheren and Bianca. Paula’s gaze remained fixed however and she did not move.

“We are not alone, master. There are people nearby.” she replied. David turned and looked quizzically at the bushes behind him.

“Anyone we know?” he asked again. Paula sighed and looked back down into her empty bowl.

“Yes, I am afraid so, master.” she said reluctantly. She rose and began straightening her gown.

Bianca and Cheren noticed their traveling companions’ strange behavior and movement. Cheren started to say something, but David calmly held a finger to his lips and pointed towards the bushes. He rose to meet Paula and began walking towards the leafy cover.

“Is someone in there?” he asked. “Come on out; we won’t hurt you.” he said. He immediately regretted the remark however.

Lennon and McCartney emerged from the forest, hands visibly raised above their heads, and with completely calm, placid, reserved, looks on their faces. They moved exaggeratedly slowly and with very careful movements. They were trying to give off as much of an air of non-combativeness as they could.

“You two.” David growled in displeasure. “You’ve got a lot of nerve just waltzing in here like this. Care to explain yourselves?” he asked venomously. Paula began very faintly radiating telekinetic energy just as a precautionary warning.

“David, we mean you no harm. We have not come as your enemies. Please just let us explain.” McCartney said overly calmly. They continued to keep their hands above their heads, but also continued walking forward.

“Fine, but you can do it from there. Take one more step and you lose what little trust I have in you two.” David said sternly. Doing as they were told, Lennon and McCartney stopped short.

David was silent for a moment. He hadn’t actually expected them to stop. He figured this was some sort of a trap, but their actions were certainly believable if it was.

“Master, this is most peculiar. Their psychic energies indicate their intentions are in fact genuine.” Paula said telepathically. “…and there are others.” she continued faintly. David was even more surprised by this second remark however.

“Paula says you’ve brought someone with you…” David said skeptically. Lennon and McCartney both nodded in unison a single time. McCartney then spoke.

“We have come to help you, David, as the Hero of Truth. We have brought with us a pair of individuals who can give you valuable information. We have come a long way and committed terrible acts to help you. All we ask is for your trust.” he explained carefully. David was still skeptical, but this was such a radical paradigm shift if it was true that he had no choice but to lend it at least some credence.

David was disarmed. He hated Team Plasma with a passion and he hated these two more than anyone else in the organization, Ghetsis excluded, but he felt strangely as if there really was no trick being played. He knew he couldn’t necessarily trust his instincts, but he knew he could unequivocally trust Paula, and she said there was no danger. After a moment, David bit his lip and motioned for them to relax and come forward. Lennon and McCartney lowered their arms and sighed.

Turning around, the Plasma Captains motioned to the foliage they had just come from and indicated for someone else to join them. From the woods came the two women who they had found at the castle. They were completely calm and serene, seeming to be practically the human versions of Paula at first glance. The women joined Lennon and McCartney in the clearing and bowed their heads to David and his friends.

“How do you do?” they asked in unison. David was now completely lost and taken aback.

“Um… I… uh… fine?” he stammered quizzically. “Who… who are you?” he asked. The women continued to smile and raised their heads.

“I am Anthea.” said the woman with longer, pink hair.

“And I am Concordia.” said the woman with the blonde, rabbit-ear hair.

“We are the Goddesses of Team Plasma.” Anthea continued.

“We raised Lord N from his infancy. We were his surrogate mothers.” Concordia finished. The Pokémon trainers each gasped very slightly under their breath at the news.

There was silence for a few seconds as this information washed over the group. After the seconds dragged on into awkwardness however, Paula finally broke the silence.

“Please join us, will you not?” she asked politely. David was surprised at the gesture as it stirred him from his mild stupor, but Paula was equally surprised at her trainer’s rudeness. The goddesses smiled at the Gardevoir and nodded.

“Thank you.” they said in unison. Paula gracefully twirled her arm and showed them the humble logs on which the group had been previously sitting. Lennon and McCartney apprehensively followed after.

The group gathered around the still roaring campfire, taking up seats along the edges. Lennon and McCartney flanked Anthea and Concordia for protection, with David seated across from them in the circle. He still didn’t completely trust the Plasma Captains; he wanted to get to the bottom of this.

“Okay, now wait…” he said as everyone got situated. “I think I’m missing something here. Why exactly are you two helping us now?” he asked. Lennon showed a mild degree of anger in his tone, but swallowed his pride after having come so far.

“We’re not doing it for you, Hero; we’re doing this for Lord N.” he growled. “Ever since Dragonspiral Tower, he’s been… different. Zekrom has been changing him; messing with his mind somehow. He hardly seems like the same person at times; he still talks the same and looks the same, but he’s gotten more violent and aggressive. He hardly seems to notice the Pokémon he’s hurting to get his Gym Badges, and he almost seems to revel in how badly Zekrom is able to destroy them. That thing is unimaginably power. It’s changing him, and we knew we needed to stop it.” he explained.

“The goddesses are practically a myth among Team Plasma. Only high ranking officials like us even know they really exist.” McCartney filled in. “We want to help you win against Lord N, not because we want him to fail, but because we realize Zekrom is eating him alive. He’s going to lose himself to that thing if this keeps up. We… we’ve betrayed Team Plasma to do this…” he continued.

David was silent and reflective of what he had heard. Lennon and McCartney showed obvious remorse at the actions they had taken, but he also believed their claims simply on face value because of it. He felt almost compassion for them; he still hated Lennon’s ugly mug, but… maybe just a little bit less after hearing that.

“Your actions betray our organization, Plasma Captains, but your hearts and intentions are pure.” Anthea said. “You have love for the Pokémon and you have love for Lord N. Affiliations to a flag are meaningless if those things hold true.” she continued. Lennon and McCartney smiled at her in thanks.

“You are the Hero of Truth, spoken of in the prophecy then?” Concordia asked. David turned to face her and nodded. “Then these truly are the times that our N has been preparing for his whole life…” she continued solemnly.

“These two say you can help us somehow. I believe them. I know I have to.” David said. “What can you tell us though? What is it I need to know?” he asked. Concordia sighed and closed her eyes. Looking down and folding her hands on top of her lap, she began to speak.

“It all started 20 years ago…” she began.

[3D992]

Wahoooooo!!!! A new chapter! Great as always ChaosBlizzard!

[jstinftw!]

At last!! I've really missed reading this. It's nice to know that the next chapter will be up soon again; I missed the organized chapter drops (Although it's understandable that you can't really do them anymore, since, well. You have life to deal with. XD)

Anyways! Onto reviewing! Short chapter, I'm not used to these from you, so I don't think I have a whole lot to say, but I think I'll have enough. It was a good chapter overall, and a nice break of pace from your other chapters.

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1. I really like how you're setting up N. Having an almighty, powerful, pseudo-god attached to your very soul must have some affects on the person's personality, no matter how 'pure' this person is. Zekrom's power corrupting kind, gentle, peace-loving N perfectly captures that. I mean, if you knew the Pokemon you had could basically ram through anything, well, power goes to the head real easy. I really like the beginning of this chapter.

2. Poor Burgh. But that, to me, was a pretty powerful scene. Like, how did the Gym Leaders feel when N ran through their teams with Zekrom/Reshiram? It couldn't have been easy, no. Watching Burgh, a Gym Leader, a trainer who is known to be fully capable, get completely destroyed. That's some really intense stuff. We said we wanted more Burght but... This? You're too cruel. XD

3. When you first introduced Lennon and McCartney, you said that this would happen. Not explicitly, but you mentioned it. I didn't believe it, I forgot about it, and I did not like them, particularly Lennon, although McCartney got away easy because he was just quieter. This chapter really shifted that opinion. The two hate David. They love N. They love Team Plasma. David is the bane of both things, and yet, when they realize the bigger picture, they go back and try to correct what is wrong. And they go against everything they know to help David gain the materials needed to defeat N. Even if it goes against their every grain to do so. I really like this plot twist, and I really like how it was written.

4. There were a few spelling errors, but I'm admittedly too lazy to go back and find them. They were really small things, so I'm going to let someone else take care of that. I go for overall impact.

5. I'm also going to admit, I had to reread this part a few times. I read that David was with his friends, and then later on, I noticed that David was the only one talking to Lennon and McCartney, and it made me wonder, where's the other two go? And then I re-read, and I noticed David kind of shush Cheren, which is a tad bit rude of him. And, I'm sure there's a reason why, but after re-reading four times, I still don't understand why David is the only one talking. I get he is the main guy, and Lennon's primarily talking to David, but I imagine Bianca and Cheren would still have something to say. I would have had something to say if I were in their situation, even if I wasn't being addressed. I'm sure I missed something, but if not, then I guess it'd be best to point that out. And if not, then my bad. XP

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And that's it! Thanks so much for the cliffhanger. I mean, we all just love cliffhangers! (jk, that was a good part to leave off on I guess. haha)
I am thoroughly excited for more! I put off reading the Hunger Games to read this, and I will gladly do it again for the next chapter. Good luck and happy writing! (:

#turnedinmyTrainerEntry!

[Tepig 5000]

Wow ok i've been away for a while but the 5 newest chapters are very interesting
I liked how you did the last gym battles and can't wait for the pokemon league
Are they going to catch something with the masterballs?

[ChaosBlizzard]

Hey guys. New chapter (and ergo the end of the contest) hopefully by the end of the weekend. Summer classes begin on Monday, but hopefully the semester will start kinda light so I'll still have time for this.

EDIT: Right, so... remember when I said it would be up by the end of the weekend? About that...

It's currently about 11pm on Sunday, and I've been working on the chapter literally almost all day. I've been working on the last section for about the last hour and a half now and I just can't quite get it right. I'm starting to get to that point where I'm not really doing any good work anymore and I feel like I'm doing more harm than good, so I think I'm going to have to finish it tomorrow and/or Tuesday. That means the editing process will have to happen over the week, which means it will likely be posted around the start of next weekend. Sorry to disappoint.

That said, the chapter is currently getting very close to being longer than Separation, which would make it the longest chapter to date. Even if it doesn't beat it out though, it would be very close, and would definitely be the second longest, bumping The Legend of Gustavo Riviera down to third. This is an incredibly important chapter and it covers a lot of very critical things. There are many, many things I've seen people complaining about throughout the course of the story that I did at the time knowing they were building up to events that would happen in this chapter. I really want to make sure I do this one right and I'm just not quite satisfied with it yet. Hopefully when it does come out, it'll just be that much better. Thanks for understanding, if you do. (end edit)

2. Poor Burgh. But that, to me, was a pretty powerful scene. Like, how did the Gym Leaders feel when N ran through their teams with Zekrom/Reshiram? It couldn't have been easy, no. Watching Burgh, a Gym Leader, a trainer who is known to be fully capable, get completely destroyed. That's some really intense stuff. We said we wanted more Burght but... This? You're too cruel. XD

I'm glad that scene is well received (is it still "well received" if it is only one person's opinion?). I rewrote that section several times, each time pretty fundamentally altering the tone of the exchange. Glad it turned out correctly in the end.

3. When you first introduced Lennon and McCartney, you said that this would happen. Not explicitly, but you mentioned it. I didn't believe it, I forgot about it, and I did not like them, particularly Lennon, although McCartney got away easy because he was just quieter. This chapter really shifted that opinion.

That's really encouraging to hear actually. I remember when the Cold Storage chapter came out and everyone suddenly vehemently disliked Lennon and McCartney, I was worried I had overdone it on them back then. Good to hear things are going back to their favor as we progress. I think you guys will like how they end up as characters.

And then I re-read, and I noticed David kind of shush Cheren, which is a tad bit rude of him. And, I'm sure there's a reason why, but after re-reading four times, I still don't understand why David is the only one talking. I get he is the main guy, and Lennon's primarily talking to David, but I imagine Bianca and Cheren would still have something to say. I would have had something to say if I were in their situation, even if I wasn't being addressed.

That wasn't intentional, but I'm glad you brought it to my attention. Those two characters just didn't have anything to say; there was no reason for them to speak. I can see how it would be interpreted that way however.

#turnedinmyTrainerEntry!

You put some kind of hash tag for something in nearly every post you make it seems like.

Are they going to catch something with the masterballs?

David explicitly will, and Cheren implicitly will. I haven't decided on Bianca yet. I'm considering the possibility that hers might get used, but not necessarily by her; beyond that though I really haven't put a ton of thought into it on her end. David and Cheren definitely will however.

[Hudsonn98]

I love this fanfic!!! I'm only on Chapter 3 (yes, I know, I need to catch up) but can you add me to the VM list?

[Ugliduck99]

I love the series and am a big fan
Only just caught up
It is funny, exciting and an all round good story
Can't wait for the next chapter



Paula's awesome
I've been inspired to catch a ralts and call it Paula

[Ugliduck99]

Hey can I be on the PM list

[Cosmic Fury]

I've read through the entire fic... Even though it's quit fast-paced, I still very much like it. Thumbs up!

(Please add me to the PM list)

[Air Dragon]

Like Cosmic Fury, I've only just caught up with this and I must say, it's come quite a way. This is one of the good things about your fic: it has no placce for "filler chapters". The fact that you've managed to keep your cast smaller is also something commendable. Reading about the heroes and their teams' growth and exploits was a very enjoyable experience. Inserts from other pop cultures and fourth wall demolitions keep me chuckling. Yep, your characterization is definitely your strong suit. :P

However, there are a few things you may have to watch in future, two of them are more pet peeves than anything. I'll start with them.

Firstly, the number thing. Oh my, the numbers thing. While it detracts nothing from the fic per se, outside of mentioning adresses (Route 9, etc), years (although this is rare) or numbers as the cast see them (The clock on the desk read '10:30' in bright red neon), doing so otherwise is rarely seen as professional to me. I rarely see it myself in other novels and would urge you to put a bit more effort into writing numbers in full.

Next I'd say is description, particularly of events. True, the story moves quickly, but please don't forget to paragraph wheneversomething new happens. And sometimes things happen a bit too quickly, or conveniently. I know it's your story, but sometimes things spell out 'Stu' but I guess you can get away with it (lest Paula tells me to 'S.T.F.U.' :P )

Next is homonyms. They're not so prominent here (another plus: bad spelling and the like is a pain) But maybe take a closer look when you use words like 'pique' and 'peak'. You make that particular mistake more than once.

Lastly, although this is terribly minor in the grand scheme of things, you're telling the reader what you want them to see. A good writer tells, a better writer shows. Yes, everyone on the forum boards (or a staggering majority) will know what Frazure and Snorlax look like, but for the sake of those who may not know and would like to, try dumbing it down a bit. Compare them to shapes and other things that ANY reader will get. It is good but there are quite the holes here and there.

Lastly, the references popping up in the middle of a chapter may be a bit off-putting. Things like listening to themes and sources for random comments are fine and good, but they're more at home in the Author Notes at the beginning or end of the chapter. Remember, even if this is for fun, a bit of professionalism as you advance in chapters will help.

Well, I think it's safe to say I'm out of points for now. But I'm definitely keeping my eye on this one. You've got a good thing running mate!

L@er!