Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Deadliest FanFic Warrior! (Rated PG-for fictional violence)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    43

    Default Deadliest FanFic Warrior! (Rated PG-for fictional violence)

    Welcome to...

    Deadliest FanFic Warrior!


    The greatest heroes! The greatest villains! And everyone in between!

    Who will be the victor?

    The boxing gloves, claws, and swords have been unveiled. Each fighter, destined to battle good and evil. Squared against each other in probably unlikely scenarios. Too many copyrights to control to be on public media!!

    Who do you think will win...?




    * * * * *

    Warning: First Challengers Approaching!

    * * * * *



    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v7.../mewperman.png


    Season Premier Posts Christmas Eve! (roughly 5 to 8 pm American Pacific Time)


    Welcome to...

    Deadliest FanFic Warrior!


    The greatest heroes! The greatest villains! And everyone in between!

    Who will be the victor?

    The boxing gloves, claws, and swords have been unveiled. Each fighter, destined to battle good and evil. Squared against each other in probably unlikely scenarios. Too many copyrights to control to be on public media!!

    Who do you think will win...?




    * * * * *

    Warning: First Challengers Approaching!

    * * * * *



    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v7.../mewperman.png


    Season Premier Posts Christmas Eve! (roughly 5 to 8 pm American Pacific Time)


    Season 1: Episode 1

    Superman vs. Mew

    The Pregame

    Hello! And welcome to the premier pilot episode of “Deadliest Fictional Warrior!” Today in the ring, we’ve go the two of the greatest forces of good, fighting head to head.

    He can run faster than a speeding bullet, leap tall buildings in a single bound! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! The Man of Steel!

    Superman!



    Now in the other corner. His essence is shrouded in myth and mystery. It’s said, he alone carries the genetic make up of all Pokemon. Able to emulate any ability! The one and only…

    MEW.



    But before we make our assumptions on who the more able fighter is; let’s take a quick peek at the hard stats.

    Starting with what we know, let’s break down Mew.

    The Emerald Pokedex states: “A MEW is said to possess the genes of all POKEMON. It is capable of making itself invisible at will, so it entirely avoids notice even if it approaches people.” And, the Fire Red Pokedex claims that Mew has a high intellect

    MEW can learn ANY attack. It has a Psychic element which causes it to have a weakness toward Bugs, Ghost, and Dark Attacks. It battles well against Fighting and Poison; but again as stated, is worthless against a ghost.

    What MEW lacks in physical ability, it makes up in everything else. But like any other POKEMON, he can tire and get hurt. If he gets knocked around too much, we’ll probably see him lose horribly to the might of Superman.

    Despite this physical inadequacy, MEW has two great tricks up his sleeves: psychic prowess and MEW's innate ability, Synchronize. This means, with Synchronize; if an opponent were to Poison, Burn, or Paralyze MEW; the effects will be absorbed but duplicated back to the opponent.

    Another important note to add is that MEW can also Teleport to any location at will.

    But overall, MEW isn’t a fighter at heart--and seems to be quite ignorant until trouble is right in his face.

    Stats:
    Strength: 38/100
    Intelligence: 82/100
    Agility: 65/100
    Speed: 85/100
    Endurance: 79/100
    Will: 98/100
    Skill: 97/100

    X-Factors: Psychic Ability, Synchronize, and Teleportation.

    Weaknesses: Physically… decent.

    But now let’s take quick glance at the Last Son of Krypton…

    Superman.

    The name says it all. His strength is unsurpassed. Known for stopping freight trains and jet planes, he’s been known to catch skyscrapers, lift mountains, and avert meteors.

    Heat Vision? Lasers from his eyes? Of course!! He’s been known to shoot things up to a few miles away with precision. Telescopic sight, Super Smell, Super Hearing, X-ray vision that can see through almost anything. Superman’s senses are eons beyond the peak of any ability.

    The general nerd consensus agrees that: he’s been known to reach near the speed of light, and beyond (with strain). He can fly… Have I said he’s practically indestructible?

    Well learned in almost all sciences and philosophy, Superman’s brain excels over the average person any day.

    The seem to tables have turned MEW, but let’s have a closer look, shall we?

    Superman, with all his might and brainpower, is confident. He knows he’s super and has a bad rap for getting short sighted in a situation. Underestimating any foe, big or small, has gotten the best of the Man of Steel. Superman also dislikes the over usage of his power, and often times has a hard time restraining himself for the foe. And though it's been seen several times in the past, Superman dislikes collateral damage. Essentially, if a boy scout wouldn't do it, Superman probably wouldn't either.

    His famous weakness is kryptonite. There’s more weaknesses on Superman’s head that he doesn’t like to disclose.

    Magic.

    As quoted by Shazaam's Captain Marvel, “You’ve never been good with magic, Superman.” With the right touch of Presto, Clark’s pasta has always fallen flat. Superman is a natural force to be reckoned with. But beyond the natural; Superman cripples under ghosts, magicians, and psychics. Just Google Mr. Mxyzptlk and you’ll see how the small and flamboyant "Mr. Mxy" is able to run circles around him with a snap of his fingers, popping in and out of reality.

    Another weakness Superman carries, but not as well known, is his photosensitivity.

    Superman regenerates and gains his powers through the yellow radiation of our sun. If Superman leaves our solar system or stays in the dark for far too long, his abilities can theoretically diminish to nil.

    Yet another weakness Superman has shown over the years is his lack of resistance to electricity, as seen with his famous nemesis, Livewire. With enough voltage, Superman may become temporarily paralyzed at any given moment.

    And finally; the last and often forgotten weakness of Superman is that, even though he may seem to be indestructible, he does have a threshold. This was seen most famously in Doomsday, where Superman almost died from physical attack. In essence, Superman can survive a nuclear blast at ground zero. But if he were to fall into the heart of a super nova, he’d probably be dead in a few minutes (give or take, arguably from either radiation or blast).

    But Superman has one big thing that MEW just doesn’t.

    Battle Experience. Superman’s a fighter. He never gives up.

    Stats:
    Strength: 100/100
    Intelligence: 85/100
    Agility: 100/100
    Speed: 100+1/100
    Endurance: 98/100
    Will: 92/100
    Skill: 90/100

    X-Factors: Invulnerability, Fighting Experience, and Speed.

    Weakness: Kryptonite, Magic, and possible lack of foresight.

    …Place your bets now!

    * * * * *

    The stats are stacked! The warriors ready! Stay tuned tomorrow, Christmas Eve, for this exciting and exclusive fight!!

    * * * * *

    Editors Note: Resources are as stated: Bulbapedia, The DC Comics website, The DC Universe Wikia, The Pokemon Anime/Manga, Superman Comic Books/Movies/Animated Series, Pokemon.com, The Pokemon Games, and My Local Comic Book Guy.
    Last edited by Redlark; 24th December 2011 at 8:37 PM.
    Oh yeah... your mom!

    Go read my FanFics!
    And as the Wind Blows: Epidemic in Hoenn [PG-13 - for Overall Intensity] - Thriller/Suspense - work in progress
    Pika Pika Picnic [PG-13 for Crude Humor] - Comedy - Completed

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    7

    Default

    This seems cool. I would say Superman would win from what you have said, though I would prefer it to be Mew. One little, thing, it would be more interesting if you took advantage of Mew's ability to learn any attack, to say he can use ANY pokemon move in the battle, which would even it up. Especially electric type moves, as you mentioned superman is weak to electricity. This is a cool idea, and I look forward to the battle.
    Fallout: Hoenn
    Fallout, but with Pokemon

    Update 5 out now!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Graivty Falls, Oregon
    Posts
    394

    Default

    Hmm... Is there actually a plot? I can't tell from here, but you look like you know what you're doing... Good grammar and whatnot... Great Analysis...

    Odd. I'll be checking back on this.

    Additionally, you need to have the first chapter in your first post, so I'd just copy the Superm'n vs. Mew page, paste it onto the bottom of the first post, and delete the second post.

    Good luck, and keep up the good work!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    43

    Default

    lol, yeah... sorry. This is actually a throw over from another forum that I'm more acquainted with. If I broke a rule, I apologize. I just like throwing stories over here, because you guys tend to give better reviews and are a heck of a lot more active.

    Side Note: I actually sort of like the set up of this forum better. It's really grown on me over the years. You'll probably see me more active here at some point. It's definitely one of the best sites for Pokemon FanFictions.

    BUT, the good news, is that everything I write, I try to keep on the good grammar card. So yar--I (for the most part) know what I'm doing.

    I think this thread should really be in "Non-Pokemon" stories, though. The later episodes cover a lot of fictional characters, mostly non-Pokemon. But (*spoiler*) Pikachu does make an appearance in the season finale.

    But yeah--I'm really excited to post the fight. I already have it typed up on my computer and it's FRIGGIN' epic. I just promised not to post until Christmas Eve.

    BUT (again), to keep ya'll interested... here's the season lineup for the first 5 episodes.

    Episode 1: Superman vs. Mew
    Episode 2: Sonic vs. The Flash
    Episode 3: Samus Aran vs. Boba Fett
    Episode 4: Batman and Robin vs. The Mario Bros
    Episode 5: Indiana Jones vs. Lara Croft

    There's more to come - Episodes 8 and 13 are hilarious match ups.

    ...if it makes you feel any better, in the fights, I try to keep a plot as steady throughout as possible. Sort of like a "real-life" scenario. What would it be like if they actually had to fight, what could be the reasons, and what would they do in accordance to their personalities.

    But all in all, these are episodic, and start and end with every "episode." But for organizational purposes, all in the same thread. So you can look back and forth with relative ease. Example: I want to compare the writing ability of Superman vs. Mew to Episode 10 (spoiler) Captain Kirk and Spock vs. Han Solo and Chewbacca.

    I might also take requests if you guys really want to see a certain match up. Example: Sonic vs. Mario.

    Overall, I hope you guys enjoy my random side project. These were a lot of fun to write and read over.
    Oh yeah... your mom!

    Go read my FanFics!
    And as the Wind Blows: Epidemic in Hoenn [PG-13 - for Overall Intensity] - Thriller/Suspense - work in progress
    Pika Pika Picnic [PG-13 for Crude Humor] - Comedy - Completed

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    ████
    Posts
    1,095

    Default

    Honestly, what is it with people posting lately that authors have good grammar? First off, you shouldn't be pointing it out unless there's obviously something wrong because, put simply, good grammar doesn't necessarily mean that the story is good. You could have near-perfect grammar and spelling, but your story might be pretentious, full of purple prose, and go absolutely nowhere. (Yes, it's happened before. Yes, it's happened on this forum before. Yes, Yami Ryu and a few other people descended on the fic, and it was glorious.) Conversely, you could have a handful of noticeable errors per chapter, and the characterization and plot might be more developed than the aforementioned pretentious fics. In other words, while it's true that fics that toss readability out the window are generally bad fics, grammar alone isn't going to make a fic good.

    That's beside the point, though. The main point is actually the second reason why you shouldn't comment on grammar unless something is obviously wrong: because you're most likely incorrect about perfect grammar. It's true. Most of the time, when I see reviewers comment that a fic has clean grammar, it's most likely actually riddled with very simple mistakes.

    Sorry, Redlark, but I'm going to have to pull some examples from your fic:

    Deadliest FanFic
    Season Premier Posts Christmas Eve! [I](roughly 5 to 8 pm American Pacific Time)
    Dark Attacks.
    Poison, Burn, or Pralyze
    Heat Vision
    Super Smell, Super Hearing, X-ray vision
    He knows he’s Super
    Kryptonite,
    Sun.
    Solar System
    Magic,
    First up, capitalization. A lot of the time, you capitalize words that are actually either verbs (which shouldn't be capitalized at all) or common nouns (which aren't capitalized outside of fandom terms). To start things off, if you use the term "fanfic" as one word, you can't capitalize in the middle of it… because, y'know, it's being one word and all.

    Moreover, I'm going to assume that the warning and everything are actually meant to be akin to titles, but keep in mind that PM is always capitalized. I'd also like to note that there's no such thing as "American Pacific Time." It's "Pacific Standard Time." There's more pieces of land in that timezone than just the western coast, and 5 PM in western Mexico is exactly the same as 5 PM in California.

    With regards to poison, burn, and paralyze (yes, it's spelled incorrectly), all three terms are actually verbs, and they're never capitalized. As for the rest, you never capitalize words for celestial bodies unless they're they're being used as proper nouns. (In this case, it's not Sun or Solar System; it's our sun and the solar system. The articles/pronouns actually cause them to be objects, rather than place names, if that makes sense.) Kryptonite is actually not capitalized (as you can see here), and neither is "super" unless it's actually being used as a nickname for Superman himself. "Magic" is arguable, although it seems like it's being used as in the general concept of magic, rather than as a specific special comic-universe element. "Attacks" and all of Superman's powers fall into the same line of logic as well. (I'm assuming that you're trying to capitalize every word of the X-Factor and Weakness fields, so I'm largely ignoring those.)

    In short, all of these are actually not meant to be capitalized. Only capitalize in the case of proper nouns (names of specific people, places, things, or ideas) or if it's done that way in the canon material. (And even then, that's arguable, but we won't get into that.)

    Next up…

    The boxing gloves, claws, and swords have been unveiled. Each fighter, destined to battle good and evil. Squared against each other in probably unlikely scenarios. Too many copyrights to control to be on public media!!
    Fragments. Quite frequently, you use fragments to build dramatic tension, which is normally okay, but you tend to overdo it a little to the point where everything reads a little too choppily to be taken seriously. Yes, it's meant to be over-the-top, but this risks plummeting straight into chewing up the scenery.

    Never mind the fact that it's questionable as to whether or not the fragments as they are make sense. For example, I get what you mean when you say there's too many copyrights, but reread the sentence carefully. "Too many copyrights to control to be on public media." That sentiment doesn't exactly make complete sense without forcing the reader to reword it mentally into, "Too many copyrights to be on public media." The reason why is because "to control" says that you're actually still trying to keep it from getting out of hand, but the part about being on public media says that you've let it get so out of hand that it's banned from the airwaves.

    Of course, we're also ignoring the fact that if this was a real series that would be aired on television or whatnot, the only reason why it wouldn't make it is because you'd have to pay for the permission to use all of those references. In other words, you could actually do something like this, but you'd probably risk going bankrupt before you could pull it off.

    Back on subject, fragments, yes. I'd really suggest rereading your work aloud as you proofread. Doing so will allow you to listen to how the words sound, so you can gauge for yourself whether or not something sounds awkward. Remember to pause after every period or exclamation point to get the full effect.

    Also!

    Inconsistencies and other minor errors!

    to the premier pilot episode
    This is actually a redundant phrase because the pilot episode is normally the premier (unless, for whatever reason, it never goes on the air). The pilot is basically at test episode. It's the first one shown to an audience to figure out whether or not the series would gain enough interest to continue. As a result, usually, the episode a good snapshot of the premise or at least a way to start the plot of the rest of the series so the audience can get a good idea of what they're watching.

    In short, you're actually saying "the first first episode."

    of “Deadliest Fictional Warrior!”
    Be careful with things like this. You opened your fic by calling it "Deadliest FanFic Warrior."

    It’s said, he alone carries the genetic make up of all Pokemon.
    You don't need the comma here, actually. The reason why is because "it's said" is the subject and the predicate of this sentence. In other words, you're not showing us a quote. You're actually showing us a sentence with a dependent clause attached to it. In other words, it's a lot like saying that this sentence needs a comma in the middle of it.

    Able to emulate any ability! The one and only…

    Mew.
    What I found amusing about this part is the fact that it feels so understated. Everything up until this point was said with a lot of emotion and a lot of exclamation points everywhere, and all of a sudden, you have a tiny little period at the end of a tiny line. To me, it reads as if you've dropped all of the excitement, so this line should be read in as deadpan a manner as possible.

    But before we make our assumptions on who the more able fighter is; let’s take a quick peek at the hard stats.
    Semicolons ( ; ) are tricky things to master, but to put it in short, if you're not separating two complete thoughts in a compound sentence and if you're not separating items in a list of three or more, you shouldn't be using a semicolon. There's other rules, but really, the semicolon is one of those things that should really only be used very, very rarely because the occasions in which it should be used are few and far between.

    Also, the Fire Red Pokedex claims the Mew with a high intellect.
    This part is rather awkward because it implies that you're talking about a specific Mew, rather than Mew as a species (which is what the Fire Red dex means). I'd say it might be better to phrase it as "the Fire Red Pokedex claims that Mew has a high intellect" in order to make it more general.

    Not only that, but the dex can't really stake a claim on anything, what with being an inanimate object and all.

    It battles well against Fighting and Poison; but again as stated, is worthless against a ghost.
    Everything after the semicolon is actually a fragment. (Cover up everything before the word "again." Notice how you get an incomplete sentence as a result?) Moreover, I'd like to add a note about semicolons here: they're never used before a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) unless you're writing a list of three or more items (that each have a comma in them already). The reason why is because the conjunction ends up being redundant because the semicolon functions in place of the entire comma-conjunction combo.

    What MEW lacks in physical ability, it makes up in everything else.
    Here's one of the issues I have so far that isn't about grammar, spelling, or word choice: you tend to tell more than show. While I understand that you're building up to a fight (i.e., that you want to give us background info), a lot of the times, it just feels like I'm reading through something I could find on Wikipedia. Alternatively, such as in this case, it feels like not enough information is being given.

    Yes, you go on to say that it's psychic (and you seem to imply that its intelligence is one of its strong suits, although you don't really go into detail as to how), but this happens after you go back onto the subject of its weaknesses. As a result, it feels like your train of thought at this moment gets derailed, and readers are left asking, "So how does it make up for its lack of physical ability?" In other words, what's happening here is that you're preparing to tell us how it makes up for said lack of physical ability, but instead, you focus on its lack of physical ability. It's like an unintentional bait-and-switch, basically.

    MEW has two great tricks up his sleeve.
    I would put this in the capitalization errors, but I just wanted to mention it separately. You start off the fic by capitalizing only the first letter of the word "Mew" (which makes sense because it's a name), but at this point, you switch to capitalizing the whole word. Choose one or the other but not both outside of the Pokédex entries. Otherwise, it looks inconsistent.

    His Psychic prowess and his innate ability, Synchronize.
    This could probably be blended into the sentence before it with a colon. Otherwise, it's rather awkward as its own fragment because it's just sort of there.

    Pralyze
    dublicated
    Remember to spell check before you submit. I know that this is a bit of a horror due to Pokémon names, but if you can, turn on spell check as you type to get red squiggles under every misspelled word. That way, you can see any potential errors as you work and can easily go back and fix them at any time before you post.

    But overall, MEW isn’t a fighter at heart--and seems to be quite ignorant until trouble is right in his face.
    This seems rather awkward because it fits into the "not enough information" category. Up until this point, you spend a lot of time detailing Mew's strengths and weaknesses as a fighter. You even give a few vague examples here and there to support your ideas. However, then you end its entry with this line, which doesn't tell us anything at all. While we can assume you want us to go look at canon for examples, it's strange that you don't bother to offer any images to support your claim that Mew isn't a battler. You don't mention how it wanders around aimlessly, how it usually refuses to fight (if that's your interpretation of how it behaves in the anime), how it's fascinated by simple things, or anything at all that would give us an idea of what we might see in the upcoming battle.

    Las Son of Krypton…
    Also be careful of spelling errors that are actually real words. In this case, I cracked a smile because I didn't read the word "the" at first and assumed you were calling Superman a girl via Spanish.

    The general nerd consensus agrees that: he’s been known to reach near the speed of light, and beyond (with strain).
    No comma necessary here either. (Try the cover-up trick I mentioned not too long ago. Note that you still don't get two complete sentences as a result here.) Also, I would suggest replacing the word "strain" with "effort." It's not normally used as a noun except in the case of injuries.

    Well learned in almost all sciences and philosophy, Superman’s brain excels over the average person any day.
    Except this isn't actually one of his canon abilities, but okay. I mean, every canon universe usually portrays him as a down-home kind of guy – as in, just an ordinary Joe with a whole arsenal of superpowers, not including superhuman intelligence. He's the kind of guy who probably got into college on a football scholarship because, basically, he was meant to be a character with whom a reader can identify. In terms of personality, anyway. In short, he's not really supposed to be godly in every way imaginable. He's meant to be the average guy elevated onto a pedestal because of the fact that he's godly in terms of muscle.

    Underestimating any for, big or small, has gotten the best of the Man of Steel, almost killing him enough times to say, Superman can be beaten quite easily.
    This is a rather messy sentence. From what I can understand, you're saying that Superman has been bested by enemies he's underestimated, and because he's so prone to doing so, he can be beaten easily. If that's the case, then I just want to say that a reader should be able to get to your point without having to rearrange a sentence mentally. The problem with this (as well as the other one I mentioned as an example of the issues with fragments) is that its point is drowned out by misplaced dependent clauses. Phrases and fragments are dropped in at random, so it feels like it has a very scrambled feel to it. Your reader actually has to work to get what you're trying to say – and not because it's a deep, philosophical statement, either.

    Also, this isn't quite true either. If anything, Superman's main weakness in the mental department is he's more compassionate than the strategists of the Justice League (like Green Lantern or Batman). One could say that if anything, he's more prone to overthinking his battles, not because he's super-intelligent but instead because he's struggling to judge how much force to use and whether or not it's appropriate for him to do so. (Big blue boy scout and all. He's just not the kind of person who's overly proud of what he can do, and his moral compass prevents him from just toppling a building on his enemies, even though he very well could. At least, this is true for most of the writers who handle Superman. There's a few noteworthy travesties and a lot of lulzy covers that I'm not even touching.)

    His famous weakness is Kryptonite, there’s more weaknesses on Superman’s head that he doesn’t like to disclose.
    As an opposite thought to what you were doing earlier, replace the comma with a period in this case. Notice how you do end up with two complete sentences as a result? That's your signal that you've got a comma splice on your hands. Your next step is to decide whether you want to keep them as separate thoughts or combine them into a full compound sentence.

    As quoted by Shazaam/Captain Marvel,
    He is not Shazaam.

    Sorry. Had to quote TVTropes.

    That being said, you could say "as quoted by Shazaam's Captain Marvel," but using the slash implies that the person uses either identity.

    This is actually more or less nitpicking, although it is also a statement that you'll want to be a bit more careful with your research.

    Just Google Mr. Mxyzptlk and you’ll know what I mean.
    No.

    As a storyteller, it's your job to present a reader with all of the information needed to understand what you're trying to tell them. Having them use Google for more information just highlights a weak point in your storytelling abilities. Instead, go into detail. Describe this character or a situation in which Superman fails to defend himself against magic. Your readers should not need to consult sources that haven't been written or created by you in order to understand your story completely.

    Superman regenerates and gains his powers through the yellow radiation of our Sun. If Superman leaves our Solar System or stays in the dark for far too long, his abilities can theoretically diminish to nil.
    While this is an interesting thought, it's actually more implied that Superman is like a battery: he charges up while being exposed to sun but doesn't necessarily weaken when separated from it for long periods of time (unless, I suppose, if he overexerts himself). It's also difficult to test this because if he goes to any point in space, he still receives radiation from yellow light. Even if he's on Pluto, so long as he can see the sun, he'll still get something from it.

    Of course, besides that, yellow is actually a common color for stars anyway.

    from physical attack.
    From physical attacks, perhaps?

    But if he were to fall into the heart explosion of a super nova, he’d probably be dead in a few minutes.
    A bit more awkwardess here. First and foremost, do you mean if he were to fall into the heart of a supernova (which, yes, is one word)? Keep in mind that a supernova is an explosion, so this would be another example of redundancy, really.

    Second, the actual explosion doesn't tend to last that long. The expansion of the resulting radiation cloud, maybe, but… yeah.

    Battle Experience. Superman’s a fighter. He never gives up.
    Again, more examples could be used here.

    Not only that, but Mew can actually fight; it just prefers not to most of the time. After all, in Special, Green mentions he could tell how strong Mew is, and it wiped Red out with just one attack in order to get away. In the anime, it held its own against Mewtwo, who is a fighter. In the games (via the Old Sea Map event), it tries to avoid you, but when you do catch up with it, it doesn't simply run away like Entei, Raikou, Suicune, and the other running legendaries. It stands its ground and faces you.

    So, in a way, Mew does have battle experience; it just doesn't like to fight.

    Stats:
    Strength: 100/100
    Intelligence: 85/100
    Agility: 100/100
    Speed: 100+1/100
    Endurance: 98/100
    Will: 92/100
    Skill: 90/100
    I am also a little uncomfortable about Superman's treatment in comparison with Mew. You make it sound like there's no contest, not only with these stats but also with the focus of each fact sheet. Mew's goes on and on about how it can easily be beaten because it's not a fighter and has very little physical abilities to speak of. Superman's goes on and on about how awesome he is (and throws in a few abilities and traits he doesn't actually have) while glossing over a few weaknesses that Mew might not even be able to take advantage of. (Yes, Mew can take advantage of Superman's weaknesses to electricity and psychic energy, but Superman is faster, stronger, and has a whole arsenal of things that can slam Mew before it has a chance to lift a finger.) In short, it's like watching a Mary Sue go up against a non-Sue. Readers sort of get the idea that it's the overpowered character who will triumph, so even if you plan on pulling the rug out from under them in the actual fight, the fact sheet winds up serving as not the best advertisement for it. As in, if your readers start to think that the odds aren't even and won't ever be even, then they're probably not going to be interested in checking out the battle because this part just makes it seem like Superman's going to beat up Mew, who won't be able to defend itself properly.


    In short, it's an interesting idea, but I'm not so sure about it. The language could definitely be better, sorry to say, and with a heavy reliance on fights, you're going to need to refine that part of your writing skills in order to make everything that happens as clear as possible to a reader with no accidentally added implications (like the Las Son thing). You'll want your readers to focus on what's going on, not on trying to rephrase what you're saying to make sense of what's happening.

    Moreover, there's a lot of telling instead of showing here, and frankly, when you're giving us a dramatic glimpse of each character who's prepared to fight, you'll want to load up on examples so the reader can start thinking about how each battle will actually happen. Also, be careful about your research and try not to stack a battle in favor of either side, even if you plan on subverting those thoughts later. You're trying to build the reader's ability to predict the battle, but you're not trying to tell them how the battle is going to end. It's meant to be an advertisement, a means of enticing people to read.

    Besides that, I'm not sure if you would classify this as a fanfic, to be honest. Fanfics tend to refer mostly to stories, whereas this tends to be more of a fantasy match without much of a plot. Not saying that you should give it a plot. Just saying you may want to get a second opinion about whether or not it's a fic, although I do have to say that I'd be into reading something that wasn't much else besides epic battles between multiple characters.

    In any case, good luck with future writing, and apologies for how harsh this entire review was.
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 24th December 2011 at 6:28 AM.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

    The Witch of Fic | 365+ Reviews
    Q&A's for all your writing needs. | 365 fanfic reviews in 365 days.

    The Fan Fiction Mafia | Author's Profile

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Graivty Falls, Oregon
    Posts
    394

    Default

    ^What the heck, JX. Had to show me up with a post that probably challenges the 50,000 word limit?

    ...Listen to him before you listen to me, Redlark. He knows what he's talking about a hundred times better than I do.

    I'm sorry about the good grammar generalization... I just didn't see all those little things, I should've paid better attention for the sake of the critiqued... I'll do better next time...

    Anyway, sorry for my nonsense, and really, Redlark, pay attention to that post up there. Probably some of the best advice you can afford on this forum.

    Happy Holidays...

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    43

    Default

    Whoa dang, JX! Good eye, LMAO! I knew there was bound to be a couple things off, but good eye!

    LOL, I'll get to editing that in just a little bit.

    *So much for the flyby type from my notebook*
    Oh yeah... your mom!

    Go read my FanFics!
    And as the Wind Blows: Epidemic in Hoenn [PG-13 - for Overall Intensity] - Thriller/Suspense - work in progress
    Pika Pika Picnic [PG-13 for Crude Humor] - Comedy - Completed

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    43

    Default

    Superman vs. MEW

    The press was rolling and the air was thick with fresh ink. The Daily Planet was in a blazing frenzy with hotshot freelance photographers waving supposed images of the “Centennial Park Phantom.” But the facts were in and the whereabouts of the phantom were clear. Some, who knew how to put pieces together quickly, wanted to hunt the phantom down face to face.

    Typing away on a column about Gotham City’s Baseball win against Metropolis, the mild mannered, Clark Kent glanced over to a maniac Lois Lane.

    Something had clicked in her brain, and the pieces of an elaborate puzzle were finally fit together. Shaking her head, laughing under her breath, “I got you now. This is the real deal.”

    Noticing Clark starring at her, Lois glared stuffing a notepad into her pocket.

    Walking over to Clark, Lois playfully sneered, “I know what you’re thinking, Smallville. Don’t you dare follow me.”

    “I would never,” Clark smiled.

    “Sure,” Lois remarked, grabbing a camera hanging on the door.

    As Lois left the Pressroom, Clark got up and walked coolly towards the back exit, to the back alleys behind the Press.

    Reaching Centennial Park, Lois knew where to go innately. Looking around to see if she wasn’t followed, she proceeded to walk a back path towards a small hidden pond. Little did she know, Clark was watching her every move 500 yards above, in the air, as Superman.

    Sighing when she didn’t find the thing she had been hunting for, Lois sat down on a soft grassy gnoll. She looked blankly at the pond and pulled her camera off from her neck. “So much for the phantom lead,” she said sarcastically to herself.

    About ten minutes passed, as Lois sat waiting. Nothing… until she began to see the water ripple softly. Looking around, she didn’t see any of the near foliage move, nor did she feel a breeze of any kind.

    Grabbing her camera with a smile, Lois focused her lens on the water. Here’s the header of the week, she thought hopefully.

    A pink head bobbed out of the water peeking it’s eyes upon Lois.

    With shock, Lois smiled lifting her camera upon the beast and with a brilliant flash, she got the picture she wanted.

    The being in the water squinted, temporarily blinded , and with a spray of water, flew up into the air covering it’s eyes with it’s pink paws. “Mew!” it squeaked.

    Lois sprang up, pulling the bulb from her camera, and quickly screwing in another. But as she lifted her camera for another shot, MEW held Lois in a Telekinetic freeze and hovered slowly to her staring square into her eyes.

    Above, Superman sensed the possible danger and flew down towards MEW with lighting speed! Fear overtook Lois when she realized the phantom was more than she could take on. But just as she feared the worst, followed by a strong gust of wind Superman appeared next to the MEW. Hampering enough of his controlled strength, Superman shot a strong uppercut at MEW’s body, flinging the small creature high above the tree line, screeching in pain.

    “Are you alright, Lois?”

    “Good timing,” Lois smirked.

    Quickly, Superman replied seriously, “Run. You’ve got your pictures, you’ve got your story. I don’t know what this thing is capable of, but it might be dangerous.”

    “Okay, but after I take the pictures of this entire thing.”

    Superman glanced upward to the MEW fall back into the trees. “Fine…”

    Blasting upwards, Superman hovered above the trees and saw the pink body of the MEW crash back down into the trees.

    Flying downwards to the MEW, MEW glared at the superhero and mustered up a Shadow Ball between his palms.

    Superman flew down slowly, breathing in a massive vacuum. Hovering just above the MEW, he gave out a great freezing blow from his lungs.

    Cold air beyond the depths of sub-zero temperatures engulfed the MEW’s body as MEW let loose of his Shadow Ball attack. Knocking the air out of Superman as it smashed into his chest, Superman flew back through the trees, plowing into the ground. His vision blurred slightly and his senses tingled, Superman shook his head a little regaining his thought from the ghost like attack. Then a great cedar tree cracked and hammered down onto the Man of Steel.

    Hovering up, MEW looked quizzically to the pile of foliage that had cracked on top of Superman, “Mew,” it squeaked, jolting away to the cover of the park.

    Grunting at the top of his lungs, Superman lifted the trees off of himself. And grabbing that great cedar tree like a baseball bat, he rushed towards MEW, crashing through the trees, swinging hard, he caught MEW off guard. And like Babe Ruth, Superman smashed MEW into the sky, across the skyline of Metropolis.

    Flying up, Superman followed MEW, catching it before it hit the LexCorp Tower. Holding MEW like a ragdoll, he proceeded to fly starward towards the upper atmosphere. “I hate to do this to you,” he said, “but you leave me no choice.”

    But MEW, opened his eyes slowly and popped from existence of Superman’s hold.

    Teleporting behind Superman, MEW grabbed him by the cape and swung him into a Seismic Toss back towards Metropolis Bay.

    Regenerating himself, MEW gained speed towards Superman and began to glow, charging a Fire Blast.

    Tumbling towards the bay, Superman regained control of his flight. Looking up at MEW, in his sight, he only saw a giant blast of flame driving towards him. Gritting his teeth, Superman glared a heating stare at the flames. And a laser beam, equally as powerful, me the Fire Blas just feet away from his body. Flying against the current of fire, Superman strengthened his glare, pushing the flames to the side. Forcing up the strength of his glare, beads of sweat sizzled off his face.

    MEW kept steady with his Fire Blast, but soon realized he was no match to the Man of Steel’s unending stare.

    Going invisible, MEW sided by Superman’s blast, nearly singeing his tail. Flying swiftly toward Superman, Superman ceased his attack noticing that the MEW had vanished.

    Looking around, Superman sensed his opponent’s presence, but MEW was nowhere to be seen. Confused, he glanced from side to side.

    Then suddenly something splashed into the bay below. Flying straight down to the water, Superman hadn’t noticed the sudden growth of dark black storm clouds above.

    With a splash, Superman dove into the bay as lighting cracked above in the clouds. He could sense the invisible MEW swirling through the depths of the water and concentrated his hearing sonar to pinpoint the MEW.

    Zipping through the water like a torpedo, Superman grabbed the MEW by it’s throat. Bubble of air escaped from the MEW’s mouth as it gasped in water.

    A hook, a jab, and another jab! Superman punched the MEW in the face repeatedly. Blood escaped from MEW’s nostrils and mouth, swirling in the salty water of the bay.

    With all his might, MEW clenched his fists and forced a Psychic attack from his body, blasting both all the water and Superman away from his body like a grenade. Hovering up above the water slowly, the storm dispersed as he let go of his control of the weather. Bloody and bruised, MEW looked below towards the water.

    A vortex in the water had begun to form as Superman began to spin himself at lightning speed under the deeper fathoms of the bay.

    Soon a waterspout had formed, and with a burst of air from his lungs, Superman deep froze the water to a giant club of ice. Handling it like a bat, Superman brought his weapon up above his head and swung it down like a titan against the tiny MEW.

    But this time, MEW knew the trick. Summoning a Barrier just in time, MEW shattered the ice around his bubble of Protection.

    Blasting forward with awesome speed, Superman smashed into MEW’s bubble Barrier, popping instantaneously.

    Careening to the water, MEW muster up the last of his Telekinetic strength and regained control of his flight.

    Flying towards MEW, Superman cranked back another punch. But before he could strike, MEW put a single paw forward to Superman, freezing him motionless in a telekinetic hold.

    Time stood still around the warriors. The psychic hold took Superman by surprise. Looking into his foes eyes, holding his breath, his muscles strained as they fought against MEW’s powerful mind. Slowly, the Man of Steel’s strength grew fiercer, his whole body shaking under the immense power of his body.

    MEW floated slowly towards Superman with his eyes closed. Broken and bruised, MEW knew he had to finish this now. Placing his free paw onto Superman’s forehead, MEW began to read the every thought and weakness of Superman. Mew’s eyes opened slowly, glowing. A faint smile grew in the corner of MEW’s mouth, and under the melody of a mysterious sweet song, Superman began to feel the effects of a Hypnosis.

    Fighting the song with every thread of his mind, Superman, Clark Kent, the country boy from Smallville screamed into a yell for the honor of Krypton and his parents. But soon his war cry faded to silence.

    Superman falls asleep, under the mercy and control of MEW.

    MEW wins.

    The Aftermath

    Being a big fan of Superman since childhood, it truly pains me to say; MEW is ultimately the victor.

    After 1,000 battles in the simulator; like a mentalist and a fork, the Man of Steel bends under the pressure of MEW with a victory rate of:

    Superman – 46.38%
    MEW – 53.62%

    Most effective combos:
    Superman – Concussive strength and speed.
    MEW – Hypnosis, Psychic, Dark, and Ghost attacks.

    This fight was VERY close, and the results take into consideration that neither MEW nor Superman had ever encountered each other prior to battle. If both had known each other’s weakness and limitations, the results would probably skew towards Superman as the victor.

    Superman could destroy MEW in a single blow. The real question is, would he? No—which is unfortunate for Superman. Superman tends to be quite the boy scout in all situations, and tries to stay away from collateral damage. He also often times tests his opponents strength and weaknesses just before defeating them, gauging how much strength would be necessary to beat his foe.

    MEW’s battle personality is quite similar, but to a more naďve and playful degree.

    Ultimately, despite his superior strength; Superman proves his weakness to a superior psychic mind.

    In most scenarios, MEW’s psychic control was just far too much for Superman to overcome.

    So I apologize to all DC fans who might of put money on this, but—

    MEW beats Superman.
    Last edited by Redlark; 24th December 2011 at 8:48 PM.
    Oh yeah... your mom!

    Go read my FanFics!
    And as the Wind Blows: Epidemic in Hoenn [PG-13 - for Overall Intensity] - Thriller/Suspense - work in progress
    Pika Pika Picnic [PG-13 for Crude Humor] - Comedy - Completed

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •