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Thread: monsters. [oneshot]

  1. #1
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    Default monsters. [oneshot]

    NOW EXTENDED - THREE PART SHORT STORY.


    BETA'D BY KATIEKITTEN. :'D

    AN/ a small shot in the dark, as I used to say. While most are surprised that life isn't as peachy as they expected it to be, some predict their own end with remarkable accuracy.

    The song 'Damn these Vampires' is by the Mountain Goats, who I recommend listening to. <3


    -------------

    m o n s t e r s .


    She was only a few miles away from her hometown when it happened. Her friends' last words hung in the air, comforting her with their friendship – but also leaving her with a warning. It had been a long journey, a long few years, which she knew had attuned them all keenly to each others' emotions – but despite her best efforts at masking her edginess, the long, dark stare of the professor had lingered as they'd parted, concern dancing in the fading light across the expressive lines of his face, the definitions smoothed by age. For the last few, long seconds, their gazes had held.

    “Come back soon, Lily. Some need you… more than most.”

    It seemed ridiculous really, now, her refusal to return to their company.

    The earth rumbled beneath her feet, the temperature of the small space increasing until the stone behind her cracked, and she was out of time. Holding her breath in a vague prayer to whatever god was listening that this would work, she counted three seconds before she rushed out, arm raised to shield against the flare of the flames.

    Her lungs burned, and she counted one step; two steps, before the onslaught of heat paused, and her steps broke into a run, gaze narrowed on the next rocky outcrop as her arms moved to pump at her sides. Please, oh please, if she could just make it to the next outcrop- The cries of her friends crested in a wave in the brief pause, one sharp yell cutting across the maelstrom of sound before it was lost in the next snarling roar: “Lily!

    Somehow managing a dive that skimmed the skin off of both her knees and elbow, her body rocketed into the cave, the fire blinding in the corner of her vision. Heart racing, her arms tucked in tightly, frantically patting down her clothes, her hair, anything that could be on fire, before her quivering limbs gave out on her, sending her collapsing into the cavern wall.

    One glance back confirmed her safety -the entrance was narrower than the dragon's jaw, and if the national 'dex’s information was anything to go by, it preferred to roast its victims alive, and individually. Her shudder was smothered by a flood of intense relief, lightening the heavy weight of her fear; she was safe, for the time being.

    Her hands trembled in her lap, the heat flushing into her cheeks as her face pushed into the steady solidity of her knees.

    It seemed it didn’t matter how many times she had dealt with these situations, the repercussions were always the same. After the first rush of adrenaline, she crumbled, dissolving into this mess.

    Gasping in air – as if it was going out of fashion, a small voice sounding remarkably like her old school friend Buffy, commented- she waited, back tensed, the pounding of her heart steadying.

    After several long moments, the small, keen eyes of the young girl blinked upwards. Her gaze was assessing, scanning the surroundings from her seat, the muffled silence calming her. Her initial glean of her environment wasn’t far off; the cave was small, cone shaped, and tapered at the end. Empty.

    Ignoring her shiver at the idea of what would have happened if it weren’t, she made a few hard breaths, nudging a knee further into the darkness. A stop, a quick glance made backwards to the small bright circle behind her – nothing. Glancing back forward into the darkness and stone, she hardened her nerve, in preparation for what she had to do next. Safety was at the back of the cave, and if she could only just reach it.

    The small shuffled motions edged her closer to the back of the cave, moving blindly as the light faded and her eyes closed - it was too faint to make anything out, anyway. Raising her bruised arm, she reached out her hand forward to touch the cool stone at the back- colliding with a softer, warmer surface.

    Startled eyes shot open immediately, shooting up into a fiery, burning amber gaze. The hiss was low, and filled with such hatred, that she couldn’t help the burn of tears that rushed to her eyes, her shattered nerves crumbling under the pressure. Who was she kidding? She had known when she had left that she could never have managed this lifestyle for long, anyway, and this conclusion was as brutally abrupt as she had ever imagined it.

    With a whisper, her eyes closed with shaking finality.

    --------

    PART TWO. - a question of what hides in the very dredges of the earth.
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 16th September 2011 at 8:45 PM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  2. #2
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    ...AND you leave us with a cliffhanger ending.

    You evil, evil thing. x3 I genuinely enjoyed this - the concern of the professor was a nice touch, and her free admission to her inability to handle the stress was lovely. It's all too easy to forget the limits of our humanity, and the actual impacts of the situations a trainer would find themselves in, and I found the touch realistic, a breath of fresh air.

    The bittersweet ending was delightful, of course. I hate you, just so you know.


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  3. #3
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    Kk~! >u<

    The concern of the professor was a nice touch, and her free admission to her inability to handle the stress was love.
    yessssss - while I'm still in an experimental kick, I just really wanted to take a walk through the life of someone scared shitless of a lifechoice they made, and despite how much they'd like to become stronger to confront it, finds out too late that they can't. The instigator of this, the Professor, was reluctant, but she didn't agree with him until, well, it was too late.

    (I wonder how many kids the people in that profession send out each year~? ;D my morbid side is cackling gleefully. ;u; )

    This writers phunk is slowly moving south~ <3
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 2nd September 2011 at 6:40 PM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  4. #4
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    (I wonder how many kids the people in that profession send out each year~? ;D my morbid side is cackling gleefully. ;u; )
    x3 That is an awesome thought - they are basically sending out children into danger, aren't they? x3 Is this an idea for a possible sequel I see...?


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  5. #5
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    Is this an idea for a possible sequel I see...?
    A possible sequel based on the idea that numerous kids have been possibly sent to their deaths?

    ...maybe.

    x'D

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  6. #6
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    <3 ;3

    Rereading this, I noticed this:

    Gasping in air – as if it was going out of fashion, a small voice sounding remarkably like her old school friend Buffy, commented- she waited, back tensed, the pounding of heart steadying gradually into a more normal rhythm.
    As well as how much I like this quote because of the pacing you achieved while including her thoughts - 'twas very effective m'dear x3 - I also noticed the name.



    Reference to the dear seven-series 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' by any chance?

    Please say yes. :x


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  7. #7
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    This is a great story, if your planning a sequel I would be glad to see it.

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    Thank you for the review, Zoruagible! >u<

    A sequel... is in the works. But it is not what you expect. >__>

    and Katiekitten, what could you mean? Buffy was such a common name in the nineties... no comment. ;D
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 4th September 2011 at 4:41 AM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  9. #9
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    I knew it. >

    I quite like the edits, by the way- I noticed you'd tweaked the ending. Lovely. x3


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  10. #10
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    ----

    Girl.”

    The hiss was low, and filled with such hatred, that the burn of tears rushed her eyes before she could recognise it happening. Heart skipping into a mimicry of the rhythm it had sustained earlier, the air of the cave seemed suddenly thin around her halting whisper.

    “Wha..?”

    You will leave here.” Neither the tone nor expression changed, a dark, deepening tension saturating the air, sending a shimmering tremble across the hairs of both her arms.

    Mutely, her breath caught in her throat, her head shaking slowly, incredulity licking the edges of her expression for the fact she'd be returned to this situation – there was no turning back. The dark tension increased, anger flaring in the unseen aura, and flinching, she watched the gold narrow brilliantly, the distance between them closed easily in a blur of shadowy movement. Sharp fangs gleamed briefly in the darkness, delicately sculpted lips curling in a thin snarl. “You will leave.

    -----

    Excerpt: from the increasingly-likely possibility of a sequel.

    the question of what you can find in the darkest dredges of the earth.

    >__>
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 7th September 2011 at 7:01 PM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  11. #11
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    dsauhgaskjghakjg

    *takes breath*

    You officially have to write that now. x3 I am very intrigued about this new character - fangs, my dear?



    The description of the tension was utterly delectable, as well. Put me on the PM list, I demand it. /let me be your beta reader for that as well. *u* I really don't understand why this hasn't gotten more attention...! BRIBERY TIME M'DEAR - GET TO THAT REVIEW THREAD ;D


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

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    Wow...

    While I don't know what happened to cause all of this (or even if you are planning to explain just what happened), I have a bad feeling that it's about to get MUCH worse for our heroine. As much as I want her to survive and learn something from this very painful experience, I fear she may meet the same fate as her friends....

  13. #13
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    The tension building is good. I like your use of multiple commas to list out everything - it really makes it faster and caused my thoughts to be jumping every second. I wouldn't say I felt immersed into the character and possition as such, but its a good start.

    However, while the long, list-like sentences are good for descriptions, I feel they bring a bit more of a slow, sinister tone than some other parts.

    “Girl.”

    The hiss was low, and filled with such hatred, that the burn of tears rushed her eyes before she could recognise it happening, her shattered nerves crumbling under the sudden pressure. Heart skipping into a mimicry of the rhythm it had sustained earlier, the air of the cave seemed suddenly thin around her halting whisper.
    Maybe I'm a bit too excite-able, but the short snappiness of "Girl." started to speed things up for me. Now, in itself this seems fine, but I feel the part "her shattered nerves crumbling under the sudden pressure." may have been adding one too many ideas to that sentence.

    I honestly don't know why its bothering me at all. Its just that the short, one-word answer "Girl." is in suck stark contrast for me when I read it because everything else appears to be so calculated. "Leave me alone." Doesn't have this effect on me because it feels more drawn out. Maybe it was all part of some malicious plan, but I feel you've put a cookie right in front of me and I can't reach it.

    Apart from that, your characters are pretty clear and the environment is quite visually clear. I feel you've set things up quite well. I, personally, like the use of commas to draw out the sentences but I also feel that putting too many ideas in a single sentence, in the heat of the moment, may tamper with the effect.

    Right, when's the next bit out? :]

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    x'D Thanks, Ruby!

    Maybe I'm a bit too excite-able, but the short snappiness of "Girl." started to speed things up for me. Now, in itself this seems fine, but I feel the part "her shattered nerves crumbling under the sudden pressure." may have been adding one too many ideas to that sentence.
    Heehee, you caught my bad habit! I do have a tendency to let my sentences run on and on, it's a good thing to reign me in when it gets too much. >__> Thank you for reviewing! <3 I'm working on immersion, experimenting with how far I can get inside my poor characters heads; I'm glad it has some effect, at least. x'D

    I could ask the same about you! x'DD sfjsda. We'll see. >__>

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

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    This is very descriptive and the writing style is very interesting in a good way. Being able to tell a story with little to no dialogue is impressive. I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors, either. Well-written.

    New Chapter: Chapter 4- Unova

    Pirates of the Caribbean: The Creature of Storms
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    Quote Originally Posted by ESPNfanatic35 View Post
    This is very descriptive and the writing style is very interesting in a good way. Being able to tell a story with little to no dialogue is impressive. I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors, either. Well-written.
    x'D I can't help but think that I really, really, want to write a story that contains one character and one character only, locked in a room / isolated, sinking steadily into introverted mania. 8'D

    ...why am I so twisted?

    Back to this - thank you for the review! ;u; I appreciate it. <3

    I'm currently writing the sequel to this, which is coming along faster than I thought it would, so you should see it either today or tomorrow. x'D

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  17. #17
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    Cabin Fever
    claustrophobia and dangerous exchanges

    ----

    “Girl.”

    The hiss was low, and filled with such hatred, that the burn of tears rushed her eyes before she could recognise it happening. Heart skipping into a mimicry of the rhythm it had sustained earlier, the air of the cave seemed suddenly thin around her halting whisper.

    “Wha..?”

    “You will leave here.” Neither the tone nor expression changed, a dark, deepening tension saturating the air, sending a shimmering tremble across the hairs of both her arms.

    Mutely, her breath caught in her throat, her head shaking slowly, incredulity licking the edges of her expression for the fact she'd be returned to this situation – there was no turning back. The dark tension increased, anger flaring in the unseen aura, and flinching, she watched the gold narrow brilliantly, the distance between them closed easily in a blur of shadowy movement. Sharp fangs gleamed briefly in the darkness, delicately sculpted lips curling in a thin snarl. “You will leave.”

    “Are you… injured?!” Quickly adjusting to the darkness, the vaguely crouched outline of the imposing stature of the youkai flickered through the darkness, out of focus, gleaming white and scarlet. Concern flitting despite herself across her expression, her hands reached forward towards his form questioningly, pausing as she caught sight of the large gash that gleamed wetly across his chest.

    Her eyes widened, glancing back up to the burning features before her.

    “So you are.”

    Gold flashed in warning, the resounding hiss infused with the power that now skittered through the narrow space, deadly emphasis punctuating his words as a pale clawed hand blocked the area from view.

    “I told you to leave girl."

    Equally angered at the dismissive tone of his words, she shot him a glance that met his gaze with a ferocity that matched his. Claustrophobic and half blind, rendering her scared shitless, the weight of her incredulous disgust was nearly on par with his. Eyes scanning the crouching form, his pain was as obvious as the screams of the dragon outside – reminding her of what little time she had left before the others would expect her recovered person to sneak back to their side.

    Ignoring the bitter taste in her mouth, the fury of emotion renewed her strength to flash her gaze back to his, a sarcastic wave gesturing blithely to the sounds of battle outside.

    Others are outside.” Emphasising the words to impress her point, uncaring of the repercussions, she pressed her hand closer to rest against the clawed chest guard, grasping at the straws. Surely, hiding in here, he'd want to keep his isolation? A glance at the dark cave interior roughly supported her hypothesis; rough cloth, poking haphazardly from behind him, he'd been here a while.

    A small voice within her mind quietly commented; why did she care?

    Her eyes settled back onto the wound, her fists clenching at her sides. She couldn't see how she couldn't. Wrapping her fingers around his, her voice broke through quietly. “In any case, how can you just expect me to walk away from this?”

    The man appeared taken aback, fangs gleaming dangerously with thinned patience – yet to her somewhat bewilderment, the pale figure did nothing. There was a moment of muffled silence, the muffled sounds of clashes and yells in the distance vague, as if the thickness of the air had a physical presence.

    Glancing back to the narrow rim of light that marked the cave entrance, his eyes narrowed a moment, before slanting back to hers. The hand at his chest shot out, grasping her wrist tightly, jolting Lily forward into him. Ignoring her startled hiss, the man lifted the captured appendage to her eye level, before leaning forward to capture her eyes again. Making sure he had her attention, his eyes glanced back down to where he gripped her, a subtle green glow surrounding their joined wrists.

    Yelping, she pulled back her hand instinctively – or at least tried to, her attempts thwarted as the man's grip tightened around her arm. Wincing, her eyes shot back to the brightly burning gaze, tears of pain beading at the corner of her eyes.

    “Just let me help-“

    Another wave of pain choked the whisper in her throat, and defeated, she gazed up at the other as he pressed closer, fingers of his other hand raising, glimmering crimson with what she recognised with a start to be his own blood. His fingers rested barely against her cheek, their warmth radiating against her cheek as his head slanted to the side, brushing softly to the side, his words spoken directly into her ear.

    “How can
    you possibly be of assistance?”
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 27th September 2011 at 5:06 AM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  18. #18
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    <3!!! What. An. Update. I loved this m'dear! You've interwoven the action and the suspence perfectly. :3 I am curious as hell about this new character...! Well done x3


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  19. #19
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    >u< Next update is in the works~! I'm glad he has you interested, with his spiny personality, he doesn't have many friends. |D

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ejunknown View Post
    A possible sequel based on the idea that numerous kids have been possibly sent to their deaths?
    x'D
    It's called population control. How else do they manage to keep such low numbers? lol ;D Pokemon theory of survival of the fittest? Couple that with pokemon evolutions and Darwin would be proud.

    At any rate, I absolutely love your fic, even though I don't completely know what's going on. But I like not knowing, it gives off a sort of charm that draws you in and causes you to want more. I like your twisted viewpoint as it helps to make things seem real to me.
    Last edited by AbsolXWolf; 19th October 2011 at 9:24 PM.
    Fanfiction:
    The Twisted Child of Johto

    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=543996

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    I really like your use of description, Ejunknown. It makes the reader invested in what you're describing, but at the same time it's not over-the-top that it becomes tiring to follow it. It's just the right amount, and it really grabs your attention when you make bursts of it, like this one:

    With a whisper, her eyes closed with shaking finality.
    Damn that line is good. Haha.


    I'm also a bit confused as to what really is going on, but part of me wants to say that that's what you intended. Still, there's that fine line between mystery and vagueness, and I think you dance a little too close to that line, especially with "Cabin Fever". Of course, this could be my fault for not understanding it well enough, so you can just ignore this comment. XD

    Good two-shot, though, and I see that you have a third planned? Hopefully it'll be even better. =)


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  22. #22
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    ****ing amazing oneshot.

    You are truly an inspirational writer, and your dark, realistic view on the idea of a Pokemon Journey is truly epic. Albeit overdone.

    I liked how you kept the identity of the killer very vague in the first oneshot.

    I'll make a second review of the second part later.

  23. #23
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    >u< Thank you so much for the reviews!

    Thanks Dramatic Melody! xD There is a third part to this, that I had started when I had written the second part, and should probably have been within the second part... It should be up soon! That should bash out the vagueness of this so far...

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

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