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Thread: Blossom (Contestshipping, Oneshot, PG-PG13)

  1. #1
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    Default Blossom (Contestshipping, Oneshot, PG-PG13)

    I must introduce myself before explaining this fic:

    I am AquaRegisteel, a near rabid Contestshipper. I discovered my (hopefully) decent writing after years of forgetting about it in the days when I was a wee eight year old writing stories of my favourite characters (Namely Sonic characters lol. Look how I've changed then).

    Anyway, this will be my first Oneshot and Contestshipping story that has been put here. I do feel I lack description in later parts.

    Here it is:

    -----Blossom-----




    It was an early autumn morning, blessed by the chilly air and the warm rays of the sun. A slight haze drifted over the town of Leafpoint, that housed the small population of farmers and small families. The few homes of the calm and the angry were scattered few and far between in this peaceful town. Of course there had been some notable events here, but most were arguments of the Trainer VS Co-ordinator kind. The chirping of early-worm birds danced into the ears of the few farmers, and helped them to begin wading into their usual work. The Pokécenter of this blessed town stood on top of a small hill that the fields around Leafpoint were embedded against, and this was the very place that May and Drew were sleeping in. Drew, who had stripped himself down to his plain black boxers, shifted his eyes around lazily, before opening them fully. He was on top of the beige duvet that stuck to the bed like glue, showing his chest that was as smooth as ice in feel and look. He snapped out of his dreamy, lazy-eyed state before looking at the silver-hued wall clock, plain and circle-shaped, as if it were a clean disc. "Hmm...ten minutes to eleven. I'd best wake May up." He lazily mumbled to himself. He decided not to play any funny old prank or joke on May, as tempting as it was. May lay there in her bed, with her plain blue pajamas on. Her face looked refreshed and tired at the same time, the small bits of sleep that lay under her eyes. Her body was just a large, scattered lump lying beneath the beige duvet. Her lips were shaped into a simple yet ever so innocent smile, as if her dreams were like chocolate.

    "Mayyyy...Mayyyyy...Come on, get up..." He began, as if he was May's father, before swiftly moving away from her. May lazily opened her eyes and snapped out of her dreams. She gently stretched her arms upwards into the air, Drew just sitting on his bed waiting for her to wake up. He thought she looked quite cute when she stretched her arms in the way she was at that moment. Actually, he had liked May for some time. Since they had their many escapades in Johto, Drew had taken a liking towards her, but had the calmness to keep it a well hidden secret from her. However, he never had the "courage" to tell her, or ask her out for that matter. But he kept on telling himself to tell her about it, and had managed to work himself up into considering finding the time to tell her. Either that day, or we would continue to bottle it up.

    "What time is it Drew?" May yawned, hoping for a quick answer.

    "It's...quarter to one." He hesitantly lied, ready to unleash the first prank of the day. He casually flicked his green hair, as he always did. Call it a trademark.

    "Oh nuts! I need to get dressed!!" She shouted in worry. Drew just smirked at her, getting ready to be yelled at in a scary fashion. "What's so funny?!" May pouted, before glancing at the clock in annoyance. The hands signalled the time of Ten minutes to Eleven.

    "Looks like you fell for that again!" He laughed, before flinching at the sudden glare, about to be paired up with a hair raising shout from May.

    "YOU IDIOT!!" She yelled, causing Drew to apologise in a weak voice. "You better be sorry." She angrily whispered, before immediately calming down and changing the subject. Thankfully, no-one had come to the entrance to command them both to keep the noise down. Drew looked around at the cream-coloured walls and the white ceiling, before turning to May, who had started looking through the chest of drawers for her clothes. "Hmm...let's see what I can put on..." She spoke to herself aloud. Drew decided to find some clothes for himself as well. He ruffled through his wooden drawers before finding a purple t-shirt(which was slightly worn out, mind you), dark green jacket and some black jeans, along with his black trainers.

    "Ok, I'll go and get changed, see you in a minute." He swiftly mumbled, before heading towards the bathroom opposite to their room. "See ya Drew." May replied half-heartedly, before picking out something different to her usual clothes. She ended up grabbing a pure white sleevless top(worded with Petalburg in sparkly letters) and some simple blue jeans, along with her slightly worn trainers that were of a grey tint. She swiftly slammed the door shut, and began to undress. Before long, she was slipping on her trainers, when Drew returned. "How you doing then?" May asked, looking up at Drew who was straightening his shirt to his tastes.

    "Yeah, I'm good. You look a bit...nicer with those clothes on." Drew replied, hoping that she wouldn't take it as a romantic hint.

    "Thanks, not many say that." She replied, slightly blushing at his compliment. "Wonder why he's acting nicer..." She mused, before looking back at Drew.

    "Anyway, I know a friend around here, so if you want to come and visit her, that's kinda fine with me." Drew said.

    "Ok, that's fine by me." She replied, as they both strolled out of the door. Drew decided to let out his Roserade as they both motioned towards the simplistic steps that led down to the bottom floor of the Pokécenter. Roserade followed suite as May walked up to the reception, but hopped over towards an empty vase with water. The vase was plain glass and see-through, but held water. Roserade amply plucked a red rose off of it's hands and placed it in the vase.

    "Hello May." Chirped the nurse, who was obviously in a good mood. Well, it was part of their job description.

    "Thanks, can you reserve our rooms for tonight? We'll be gone for some of the day." May replied in a voice that was as chirpy as Nurse Joy's, but wasn't part of her job description thankfully.

    "Yep, no problem." The nurse answered, fiddling in her drawers that rested underneath the counter. She soon pulled out the room keys, before putting them in another place before typing things onto her seemingly old laptop. "Ok, hope you have a nice day!" Murmured Nurse Joy, before turning around and heading into the back room where the Pokémon of the few trainers were being healed.

    "So, where is your friend?" May asked, before Drew gestured towards a house in the middle of a nearby field, surrounded by all manner of tall crops. A few apple trees were dotted around, as if they where guardians of the field. Small specks could be seen hanging off of the trees, those "specks" being sweet and juicy apples.

    "There, it's not far...unless you're too weak." Drew replied, before feeling a bit light-headed from the fist that tumbled down on him. It was gentle, though.

    "I'm not that weak!" May yelled back. She was used to being annoyed, but Drew seemed to enjoy it more. "Damn she punches hard...but oh well." Drew thought, his emotions a bit of a mixed bag now. Could he ever tell May his secret? He thought none of it, as May began to dash towards the field that the house rested on.

    "Hey! Wait up!" He bellowed after May. He began to sprint after her, as they headed past the oak trees that were beginning to loose their leaves. A beautiful mix of auburn and orange leaves embraced the fences that guarded against the crops that lay in the field, nearly motionless. Drew soon began to turn up a thin fenced dirt path that led up to his friend's home. His legs were slightly worn out, his breathing becoming heavy, but continued running up to the glass door. He swiftly slowed down, before knocking on the glass with his medium-sized knuckles. In a matter of seconds, a brown-haired girl with a healthy coloured skin tone calmly walking towards the door, a small smile on her face.

    "Hi Drew." She said, not evidently excited by his appearance. Her brown eyes glanced over at May, before welcoming them in.

    "I haven't seen you in some time since I went off to Johto Aria, thanks." Drew replied as both of them were led inside. May looked around in surprise at the steps that were close to the door. They were smothered in a red carpet that was embedded with a pattern that showed a ancient drawing of a dragon.

    "That carpet looks... nice..." May murmured to herself, before looking around at the walls that were covered in a light red colour. Nothing else in the room apart from the entrance to a living-room. A double-cushioned black leather sofa lay behind a small, wooden coffee table that kept two drinks in top of it. There was a fancy lamp on top of an old-looking table that housed a small drawer underneath of it in the left corner of the room. May rolled her eyes towards a 28-inch black TV that stood on a chest of drawers that housed all sorts of videos and dvds, along with a video/dvd player with all the basic functions it could need. The TV was turned off for unknown
    reasons.

    "So, what have you two been up to on your travels, eh?" Asked Aria, her thin lips curled up into a smile.

    "We've only been winning the contests, but I've won more than May." Drew wittingly replied, expecting a fist to fly towards his shoulder. May simply ignored him, thankfully.

    May began to explain some of her battles, which ended up in lasting for 15 minutes, but didn't seem to bore them. However, her parents were nowhere to be seen. "So where are your parents Aria?" Asked May in chirpy voice.

    "They're out and about in some town not far from here." Aria swiftly replied, a blank expression on her face. She quickly covered the blankness with a sweet smile. As they continued talking, May began to feel the need to go outside and get some air, and eventually decided to excuse herself.

    "Aria, may I nip outside for a minute? I need a bit of air." May hastily questioned, hoping not to be too rude. May was rude quite often, anyways.

    "No worries, it's fine by me. Take as long as you need." Came the kind hearted reply. May was quite thankful that she was allowed, and didn't seem to be too rude either. She quickly got up and strolled across the plainly decorated room and out of the glass door that glinted in the faint sunlight.

    "Err...Aria,-" Drew nervously asked, before being cut off.

    "It's about her, right?" Aria sighed, expecting herself to be right. Drew was quite nervous, but nodded in reply. He decided he had to give up and tell May, because he wanted to move his feelings forward. He had already told Aria before, but wanted to tell May. "Ok. I actually think you make a good couple really. I've told you before, you need to try and ask/tell her soon, as it could be your last chance." Aria replied with a soft sigh. Drew looked uneasy and unsure, but nodded willingly. "I could do something to get you both alone if you want, if it'll make it easier?" She inquired, recieving a hesitant nod. "Good." She replied, before shutting up as the door opened and closed, heralding May's return and hopefully a new romance.

    "Are you any better May?" Asked Drew, trying not to sound worried, but who cared if he sounded worried?

    "Yeah, a bit." May swiftly replied in a bored tone, before looking across at Drew.

    "Right, I need to nip the loo, so I'll be back in a minute." Aria whispered, winking at Drew in the mischevious way that a monkey would give. He winked back, looking a lot more confident than he was a minute ago, as if he was an open-hearted man. She dashed off and up the steps, hoping Drew would get his act together. Drew sighed happily yet heavily as she left the room. Silence befell the room for a brief moment, until Drew finally gave in to his desire, and to break the uneven silence.

    "May?" Drew began, feeling a bit shakey inside. "Here goes" He quickly thought, thoughts beginning to scream at him.

    "...Yeah?" Came the inquisitive reply, naturally.

    "I need to tell you something...important." Drew hesitantly replied, now half-proud that his confidence began to shine through his low self-esteem that came with romance. May simply nodded, curious as to what he could be about to say.

    "Right, I guess...I guess. Alright, since we've been around Johto and all of that, I've had these feelings for you, a-and I've grown more and now, I guess I should tell you." May smiled in a dreamy way as she suddenly realised what he could be going on about her. Her mind began racing, her heat thumping like a bell-tower.

    "I really-" Drew began in a whisper, before a finger was raised against his lips, and May leaned in closer, until they were mere centimetres away. Drew held his breath for a moment as he suddenly noticed her sweet warm breath tickling his neck. May ignored this briefly, continuing with his sentence.

    "I do...too. I love you as well..." Whispered May, blushing as those very words spilled out of her pink lips. Drew began to smile as they slowly leaned in. But, unbeknownst to the both of them, Aria slyly stood at the entrance of the living room, smiling as Drew and May closed the gap between them both. A sudden heat flared up inside both of them as their lips melded like lock and key. May wrapped her arms around Drew as they continued kissing each other, until they realised Aria was watching them. She giggled, before walking away and back up the steps...

    So, thanks for reading this.

    Right, pick out what bits you don't like (If you aren't a Contestshipper, don't spam with: WTF why do you CS? But most of you are awesome enough anyway not to), as I want to improve them.

    P.S: I fail at describing clothes.
        Spoiler:- Current Hunts:



    I have claimed Registeel!

  2. #2
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    Well, I must say this was quite a sweet start to my afternoon~ Definitely a good job for your first ContestShipping and oneshot effort

    You know, I find it funny that you mention that you feel you lack description in the latter part and that you don't like your description of clothes, because in a weird way I think your description is both very strong and could use some work. Does that make sense? Not even a little. Let me explain... your use of language is obviously very vivid and I can tell you're putting a lot of effort into it. But sometimes it seems like that description itself is unnecessary. As far as I'm concerned, description should 1. Set the mood. 2. Communicate a deeper psychological truth about the character (hard to do, but very valuable when it comes through--usually through using words with certain connotations) 3. Provide symbolism. 4. Move the story forward. If it doesn't do those things, then there isn't much point to it.

    And that's why I actually think your description gets better as the story goes on--beause you get too wrapped up in the movement of the story to stop yourself in long description. I don't think capturing every detail of the look of a scene is a writer's job--it's a photographer or a painter's job; what a writer can do with description is give hints--colorful and clever edges of things that feed the reader's imagination. And a writer can ascribe emotion to a visual description (or for any other sense for that matter).

    So it might help when you're working with description in the future to ask yourself what role it plays in the story and what value it adds to the plot/action/pacing/characters. If it doesn't have a role or value well... then it's just taking up space.

    I hope that makes some sense.

    Anyway, this story is mostly about Drew working up the courage to confess his feelings to May. I think it might have been more dramatic if you didn't give up that fact so quickly:

    "Actually, he had liked May for some time. Since they had their many escapades in Johto, Drew had taken a liking towards her, but had the calmness to keep it a well hidden secret from her. However, he never had the "courage" to tell her, or ask her out for that matter. But he kept on telling himself to tell her about it, and had managed to work himself up into considering finding the time to tell her. Either that day, or we would continue to bottle it up."
    It's much more effective to communicate the fact that he's in love with her subtly instead of just telling your reader right off the bat. You were doing a good job before that with him watching her sleep and talking about the temptation he felt to play jokes on her. The reader can already tell he's feeling something, so I think it's best to save the direct confession (even to the reader) for the end.

    "Yeah, I'm good. You look a bit...nicer with those clothes on." Drew replied, hoping that she wouldn't take it as a romantic hint.

    "Thanks, not many say that." She replied, slightly blushing at his compliment. "Wonder why he's acting nicer..." She mused, before looking back at Drew.
    Overall, I think you've done a really good job with Drew and May's interactions. There's a push and pull between Drew both to taunt May and to compliment her, which obviously keeps May off balance. The fact that after this little compliment he immediately changes the subject to the fact that he knows a friend in the area is very telling--he's reticent to reveal himself to her, so when he compliments her he feels the need to change the subject or take it back with some banter in order to distract May and hide his secret.

    Still, I think there are some lost opportunities for sexual tension in this particular exchange. There could be a lovely little misunderstanding in which May thinks he's implying she'd look bad with her clothes off. It takes us a little closer to the heart of their problem, would raise some questions about what she's thinking about, and add a new layer to their banter.

    Oh, and while we're here, it might help your reader not confuse dialogue and thought if you put thoughts in italics instead of quotation marks.

    On the subject of dialogue, there are a few technical issues I think you might want to fix:

    "Hi Drew." She said, not evidently excited by his appearance.
    The Fix: "Hi, Drew," she said, not evidently excited by his appearance.

    The 'she said' is part of the sentence, so 'she' shouldn't be capitalized, and the period within the quotation marks should be replaced with a comma. This pops up a few times with your dialogue, so it's worth learning the convention.

    "Hello May." Chirped the nurse, who was obviously in a good mood. Well, it was part of their job description.

    "Thanks, can you reserve our rooms for tonight? We'll be gone for some of the day." May replied in a voice that was as chirpy as Nurse Joy's, but wasn't part of her job description thankfully.
    May I say that I really like this part? It shows a real difference in their attitudes. It shows that May's positive disposition, which others might have to work hard to achieve, comes naturally to her. The description of her voice in this case was really effective for her character.

    So, like I said, a good one for your first try--and I certainly hope you keep writing because you definitely have spark!

  3. #3
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    Ok:

    Thanks for the brilliant constructive criticism!


    It's much more effective to communicate the fact that he's in love with her subtly instead of just telling your reader right off the bat. You were doing a good job before that with him watching her sleep and talking about the temptation he felt to play jokes on her. The reader can already tell he's feeling something, so I think it's best to save the direct confession (even to the reader) for the end.

    Yeah, I agree that I let the secret slip. I'll be more careful doing that sort of thing in the future. =D

    And the sexual tension...hmm.

    During the story, I was keeping in the interaction that I've seen in the anime as my recent project concerning Contestshipping didn't fit their anime persona(?). Thanks!



    I'm also a bit over the top with capitals, but I'll fix it in future.

    May I say that I really like this part? It shows a real difference in their attitudes. It shows that May's positive disposition, which others might have to work hard to achieve, comes naturally to her. The description of her voice in this case was really effective for her character.

    And the May/Nurse Joy part...that was just meant to be something simple. Didn't think it would actually be somewhat decent.

    So, like I said, a good one for your first try--and I certainly hope you keep writing because you definitely have spark!
    Thank you! There's more coming from me, don't you worry(most will be Contestshipping hahaha)!
        Spoiler:- Current Hunts:



    I have claimed Registeel!

  4. #4
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    I think this story is a little rushed. It seems you tell the reader right from the start that he loves her. While he may feel this from the beginning, you should show more and tell less.

    P.S: I fail at describing clothes.
    Also, about your P.S. Failing to describe clothes doesn't matter as long as you get the general idea across that she wasn't wearing her usual outfit and instead something nicer.

    "It's about her, right?" Aria sighed, expecting herself to be right. Drew was quite nervous, but nodded in reply. He decided he had to give up and tell May, because he wanted to move his feelings forward. He had already told Aria before, but wanted to tell May. "Ok. I actually think you make a good couple really. I've told you before, you need to try and ask/tell her soon, as it could be your last chance." Aria replied with a soft sigh. Drew looked uneasy and unsure, but nodded willingly. "I could do something to get you both alone if you want, if it'll make it easier?" She inquired, recieving a hesitant nod. "Good." She replied, before shutting up as the door opened and closed, heralding May's return and hopefully a new romance.
    Another thing, when describing conversations, create a new paragraph for each new person speaking.

    I personally love ContestShipping. I think you did a good job with the plot in this oneshot. Drew was in character, as was May. You don't really describe who Aria is other than a friend. May, with her natural curiosity, would want to know details. Also, I feel you have an unnecessary description of Aria's house. The carpet part would be okay, but you didn't have to go and say how wide the TV is or all the furniture unless it particularly stands out.

    "Right, I need to nip the loo, so I'll be back in a minute." Aria whispered, ...
    Why did Aria whisper here? Isn't she talking to May too?
    ~Kat

    Check out my Tumblr post for different accounts: http://katspearl.tumblr.com/post/320643625...ro-2-meeeeeeeee

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