CHAPTER 1: FIRST CONTACT
Computers lined the walls of this room. Mathematical observations were tacked to the walls. Scattered papers littered the desks and the floor. Models of the solar system hung from the ceiling. On the monitors, figures and charts were aplenty.
Three people were working in the room. The first, a bald-headed professor, with a large, white, bushy beard. The second was a woman in her 30’s, with the name of Clarissa, and the third, an oriental woman named Erika, being the newest addition to the observatory.
The professor was watching a computer, when he noticed something the size of the Earth randomly appear next to Pluto.
Well, that was odd,
he thought to himself, but he reassured himself that the computer was malfunctioning.
No comma after "odd". Just a period. Otherwise, it seems that his thoughts and the general narration are meshed together.
His opinion on the matter, however, changed four minutes later when the ‘malfunctioning’ computer still showed the anomaly when it had been rebooted. Now starting to get worried and confused, he checked some of the figures and they plainly showed that the object was there.
After "figures", place a period or semicolon(";", if I recall correctly). Then put(first word is capitalized if you placed a period; left uncapitalized if a semicolon) "they plainly showed that the object was there".
“Clarissa? Could you track the anomaly in sector ZZ9-257.3?” he asked, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
The woman in the lab coat obliged, and twenty seconds later she knew something was wrong.
“Sir, Erika, come quickly!” Clarissa shouted in a mixture of fear and panic.
The others were startled at this sudden outburst, knowing that she was only loud when she was deeply concerned, but they recovered and made their way over.
Clarissa said with tones of horror “In a solar system where everything moves elliptically, the object is moving… in
a straight line!”
After "...", don't have a space and then "in a straight line!". Have it as "...in a straight line!".
The professor recovered from this revelation first and picked up a telephone to tell fellow astrophysicists to track the object at all costs.
A Military Base, Somewhere in the USA
"Somewhere" should not be capitalized.
News quickly reached the military around the world. The United States army’s finest minds had gathered to discuss this unique object. At this point, no-one
knew if it was natural or an alien construction.
"No one" does need the spacing, but no dash.
The most important question was asked by a young, fit, and overconfident army lieutenant: “Is it a threat to us, or even the entire planet?”
An old man wearing a questionable orange trench coat replied in an ‘Everyone
-knows-this’ kind of voice,
“It is a potential threat. If it is an asteroid, which is close to impossible due to its size and movement, it will hit us and we would all be screwed. If it was some sort of alien craft, either they would be friendly, which I would doubt, or we would be screwed by alien invaders, which is unfortunately the most likely case.”
No need for capitalization on "everyone". And no comma after "voice".
The psychology expert in the room opened his mouth, and was interrupted before he could say anything by the trench coat man.
“No, even if they have the most advanced technology we have ever seen; it does not mean they are friendly. Germany was the most advanced civilization in the 1930’s, and you know what happened in the next two decades. In fact, intelligence is the sign of a predator-“
Fortunately – I mean unfortunately
, his speech was interrupted by a ringtone coming from the pocket of a lab coat that was creepily covered in blood and stab wounds, hanging on the back of a chair.
You could've just said "unfortunately" in the first place.
The trench coat person dived for the phone and took the call,
“Hello. You’re looking for Professor Frankly? Oh, he has been brutally murdered by me – I mean out for some fresh air. Ok. Send the live video. Bye.”
No comma after "call". Put a period there instead. And who knew murderers could be in the top tiers of military areas? I certainly didn't. 0_0
The mass murderer guy continued, to the world in general,
“We have just now receiving
a live footage tape from the observatory in the first part of this chapter.”
No comma after "general". And make "receiving" "received". Oh, and nice fourth wall breaking.
A Plasma TV that appeared five seconds before hand flickered, and a video played, showing the Starship Tagoterram in orbit around the planet.
Once his mouth had closed after being open for several seconds, the army lieutenant reached for a convenient telephone and rang the observatory that had supplied the footage.
“Hello? Yes. STOP THE PUBLIC FROM DISCOVERING THIS!!!
I wouldn't use multiple exclamation marks unless you plan on writing something along the lines of The Adventure of Adventureness.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit of the Starship Tagoterram…
"Yo ho, Yo
ho, a pirates
life for me, ARRGH! Dada dam dum de dum…”
No capitalizing the second "yo". "Pirates" should be "pirate's" in order to indicate possession.
"SHUT THAT SINGING, KYOGRE!” roared Regigigas, its hands being over its ears having no affect whatsoever, and its rage being in the caps-lock levels.
Kyogre was miffed by this reaction, and turned the ship-like steering wheel using its mind.
"Yarrgh, only ‘cause I like ye Regigigas. Boom bassa boom festival!”
The third figure in the room made itself known in the form of a threat:"
The next person to make a Paper Mario 2 reference, or any reference of any kind, or to sing in this chapter, will be given a Hyper Beam TO THE HEAD!!!
Put a space between ":" and the quotation mark. And there's the multiple exclamation marks again. Try not to make a bad habit of it(at least in stories, as the forum itself is a completely different thing).
This was, of course, Rayquaza. It went on,
“I am not the guardian of the skies anymore. I am the guardian… of
the Fourth Wall!”
No comma after "on". And there should be no space between "..." and "of".
Kyogre just about stopped itself from commenting,
“Are you on drugs again?”
No comma after "commenting".
It did say, very nervously,
, we are in parking orbit now. They will soon try to communicate with us now.”
No comma after "nervously". "..." and "Well" should not have a space between them.
On Earth in general..,
Change "..," to "...".
The public found out about it.
Headlines read on newspapers that an alien ship had been spotted in the atmosphere. On TVs’
, they chattered about it on programmes
"TVs'" should be "TVs", "radios'" should be "radios", and "programmes" should be "programs".
The UN HQ…
In a crowded, oak panelled room full of podiums, all of the most important people in the world gathered to discuss the nature of the craft hanging above the sky. They decided to fabricate a message in some of the most common languages in the world including English, Hindu, and Mandarin Chinese. These would then be spoken, and be broadcasted to the ship.
The American President was up first, to speak the English message: “Visitors to our world, thank you for coming to us. I hope we could do a number of things, being that we should learn from each other. Respect each other. Pay taxes to us. We can work together and accomplish things that we couldn’t do alone. Thank you for listening to us.”
The Chinese representative was about to stand up, when a tennis ball-sized sphere of white light, as substantial as mist, descended into the room and expanded into a screen the size of a white board
, showing blue static. Everyone held their breath for potential extravagancy.
"White board" should be "whiteboard".
The static cleared up, and they saw complete darkness. Except for two, glowing, red eyes
That should be "two glowing, red eyes".
A voice presumably coming from the screen said in harsh, cold tones,
“Is this thing working at the other end?”
Should be "in a harsh, cold tone" without a comma on the end.
A few people mumbled,”Yes”,
before they were shushed into silence.
No comma after "mumbled"; no comma after ""Yes"".
The invisible voice spoke this message with a feeling of anger being held back: “We have heard your proposition. We have also decided that your message was insulting. You destroy our way of life, and then you decide to make us pay taxes!”
At this point the German representative said under his breath,
“I knew we shouldn’t have gone with the taxes bit”, before facepalming.
No comma after "breath".
The shadowy figure went ballistic at this point, howling, before going into periods of quietness,
“You set of a bomb whereby a shockwave was set off, killing millions of intelligent lifeforms. Not too dissimilar to you. With them gone, billions of creatures were left without carers
. This caused hatred among us. Mental pain to us all. You have no idea about the amount of agony coursing through me right now. You are a despicable race. The person who ordered that attack of the atomic bomb on Japan was evil. EVIL. He caused the death of thousands of innocent, carefree people WITH NO MERCY and then destroys one of OUR races on a different planet. The humans on this planet should take being called evil, despicable, MONSTERS as a compliment because of the things you’ve done. You then suggest making us pay taxes?!?
The human race would’ve only been subjected to fairly harsh torture, but that idiot had to put that little bit in to doom everything! This speaker, Giratina, hopes you all die. End communication.”
No comma after "quietness"; turn "carers" into "caregivers". I'd also remove the extra question mark after the "?!" after "taxes".
The image disappeared.
Shocked silence hung over the air for a few moments.
stated the Bulgarian representative.
No comma after ""Wow"". Also make it ""Wow.""
On the Starship Tagoterram
In a steel coated
room, with dozens of legendary Pokémon working with radar systems, life support controls and other mysterious contraptions, Mewtwo stood over the supreme weapon control panel.
Should be "steel-coated", if I'm correct.
"Standby Pulse Wave”,
Arceus commanded from a high system control panel.
comma after ""Wave"". Make it ""Wave.""
After a few moments, Mewtwo said with no emotion,
"Firing Pulse Wave.”
No comma after "emotion".
A green wave of energy was blasted from the ship, hitting the earth’s surface.
This had an unseen but deadly effect: all of Earth’s satellites had been knocked out. Television, GPS, and ATMs were all eliminated from Earth’s weapons. Not that they would be too much use.
20 seconds after the Pulse Wave had been launched, Arceus stated:
I'd remove the ":" after "stated".
seconds later Mewtwo said in a clear, powerful, voice,”
I think "3.478" exactly is unnecessary. Make "clear, powerful, voice," "clear, powerful voice". At the end of the paragraph, have the period and quotation mark swap places.
Panels on the spires folded away, revealing the Motherships. They were 600 feet thick, metallic grey, triangular shapes, being 6000 feet long on each edge. An energy core was visible from an aerial view. Half of them, 2.5 million, soared out of their hatches. Some of them dived into the world’s oceans, others hung above major cities. They looked, menacing, imposing, and evil. People on the surface panicked, took pictures with their cameras, and generally were impressed by the civilisation
that created it.
It's spelled "civilization".
Johannesburg, South Africa
People here reacted like all the others in different parts of the world. One person said that Mr Johnson had come back, before his head was vaporised
It's spelled "vaporized".
One conversation between several people went like this:
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane?”
“Is it Superman?”
Before the conversation could progress, a grinding, metallic noise drew their attention skywards.
The hatch opened.