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Thread: Pokéocalypse (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Post Pokéocalypse (PG-13)

    Right then, this is my first fanfic ever. There might actually be a lot of explaining to do in these 4 paragraphs before the prolouge starts.

    Firstly, I got the insperation to write this by watching a documentary (Not saying which, but it is very, very good). I also got insperation from other various fanfics (Again, not naming names). However, this is the first fanfic I know of that has no main character, but there are recurring characters.

    Now, the important stuff! This is rated PG-13 for violence and some mild swearing. Also very bad attempts at humour. I have pre-done the first 2 chapters, so all chapters will be uploaded every 5 days, but when I finish the epilouge they will be updated every 3 days. Note that this is going to be a very short fanfic, so don't expect me working 7 years on it.

    Chapter List:
    Prologue: First page, First post.
    Chapter 1: First page, Seventh post.
    Chapter 2: First page, Twelfth post.
    Chapter 3: First page, Fourtenth post.
    Chapter 4: First page, Twentieth post.
    Chapter 5: Second page, Twenty-fourth post.
    Epilogue/Chapter 5.5: Second page, Twenty-seventh post.

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah. (Note: This will be posted before every chapter, so don't fret about forgeting this).

    So after a long intro, let's begin the prolouge!

    PROLOGUE

    The starship sailed through the inky void.

    It was from a dimension similar in all aspects to yours but with one difference:
    where Earth should be was a similar planet, named Pokéarth. This is where Pokémon and humans alike lived in harmony together. Various areas called “regions” made up this world. Happiness, joy, sorrow, and adventure were common on Pokéarth. That is of course, until a terrible tragedy happened.

    In yet another dimension, (with the sole difference to yours that the company ‘Nintendo’ never existed) in 1945, the nuclear bomb hit Hiroshima with terrible force. At that moment, a wormhole which was not a second long; not an inch wide, and spanning several dimensions appeared, carrying the sound wave across to Pokéarth. This should have just caused deafness to everyone in range. However, it activated an ancient wave of shadow energy, the same used to corrupt Pokémon in Orre, to pass through the planet, obliterating all the humans on it. The Pokémon were horrified at this disaster.

    Normally the Pokémon would’ve gone on with their lives. However, the shadow caused them to be Core Shadow Pokémon. There were no physical changes, but there were two side-affects that changed them forever. Firstly, the developed a deep desire for revenge, and secondly they acquired so much offensive and defensive abilities that a Weedle could live through several hours of being shot by a machine gun and only have minor blood loss.

    The Pokémon built a gargantuan spaceship close to the size and shape of their home planet out in deep space to get back at the ‘advanced’ civilization that scarred them so deeply. This spaceship was a spherical monstrosity, taking 50 years to build and being able to hold 25 billion creatures. Spires of unknown metals towered out of the ‘axis’ of the spaceship, holding 5 million triangular motherships to carry the Pokémon down to Earth. Plasma cannons littered the surface. 3 engines, each the size of Spain, blasted the craft along at a gentle stroll of half the speed of light.

    The Starship Tagoterram reached a dimensional wormhole near Pluto (where all the ‘missing’ human spacecraft went). It went into the hole, seemingly coming out in the exact same place.

    The spaceship turned around, and headed to the exact same co-ordinates from where it had been launched.


    Not to Pokéarth.


    But to Earth.

    ----------------

    Please reveiw this! I am happy to recive any type of comments or critisicim!
    Last edited by The Lord 67; 20th October 2011 at 5:20 PM.

  2. #2
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    The prolouge is very good and makes me want to read on which is waht a prolouge should do. make sure that your chapters are a lot longer than this and end in different ways.

  3. #3
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    This was actually just a prolouge. They can be smaller than 2 pages. But thanks for the reply anyway!

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Lord 67 View Post

    Chapter List:
    Prolouge: First page, First post.








    That is, of course, until a terrible tragedy happened.

    !
    I would have said That is of course, until a terrible tragedy happened.
    I would not have put that comma after That is.

    but really good prolouge keep it up.
    :Blast:!
    Last edited by 6shinyblastoise; 23rd September 2011 at 5:49 PM.
    whats taters precious--Gollum/smeagle
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    Thank you for that! All fixed now. I am glad you like it.

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    Right, this is a fairly large chapter, and at long last, here it is!

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah.

    CHAPTER 1: FIRST CONTACT

    Computers lined the walls of this room. Mathematical observations were tacked to the walls. Scattered papers littered the desks and the floor. Models of the solar system hung from the ceiling. On the monitors, figures and charts were aplenty.

    Three people were working in the room. The first, a bald-headed professor, with a large, white, bushy beard. The second was a woman in her 30’s, with the name of Clarissa, and the third, an oriental woman named Erika, being the newest addition to the observatory.

    The professor was watching a computer, when he noticed something the size of the Earth randomly appear next to Pluto.

    Well, that was odd he thought to himself, but he reassured himself that the computer was malfunctioning.

    His opinion on the matter, however, changed four minutes later when the ‘malfunctioning’ computer still showed the anomaly when it had been rebooted. Now starting to get worried and confused, he checked some of the figures; they plainly showed that the object was there.

    “Clarissa? Could you track the anomaly in sector ZZ9-257.3?” he asked, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

    The woman in the lab coat obliged, and twenty seconds later she knew something was wrong.

    “Sir, Erika, come quickly!” Clarissa shouted in a mixture of fear and panic.

    The others were startled at this sudden outburst, knowing that she was only loud when she was deeply concerned, but they recovered and made their way over.

    Clarissa said with tones of horror “In a solar system where everything moves elliptically, the object is moving…in a straight line!”

    The professor recovered from this revelation first and picked up a telephone to tell fellow astrophysicists to track the object at all costs.

    A Military Base, somewhere in the USA

    News quickly reached the military around the world. The United States army’s finest minds had gathered to discuss this unique object. At this point, no-one knew if it was natural or an alien construction.

    The most important question was asked by a young, fit, and overconfident army lieutenant: “Is it a threat to us, or even the entire planet?”

    An old man wearing a questionable orange trench coat replied in an ‘everyone-knows-this’ kind of voice “It is a potential threat. If it is an asteroid, which is close to impossible due to its size and movement, it will hit us and we would all be screwed. If it was some sort of alien craft, either they would be friendly, which I would doubt, or we would be screwed by alien invaders, which is unfortunately the most likely case.”

    The psychology expert in the room opened his mouth, and was interrupted before he could say anything by the trench coat man.

    “No, even if they have the most advanced technology we have ever seen; it does not mean they are friendly. Germany was the most advanced civilization in the 1930’s, and you know what happened in the next two decades. In fact, intelligence is the sign of a predator-“

    Fortunately – I mean unfortunately, his speech was interrupted by a ringtone coming from the pocket of a lab coat that was creepily covered in blood and stab wounds, hanging on the back of a chair.

    The trench coat person dived for the phone and took the call “Hello. You’re looking for Professor Frankly? Oh, he has been brutally murdered by me – I mean out for some fresh air. Ok. Send the live video. Bye.”

    The mass murderer guy continued, to the world in general “We have just now received a live footage tape from the observatory in the first part of this chapter.”

    A Plasma TV that appeared five seconds before hand flickered, and a video played, showing the Starship Tagoterram in orbit around the planet.

    Once his mouth had closed after being open for several seconds, the army lieutenant reached for a convenient telephone and rang the observatory that had supplied the footage.

    “Hello? Yes. STOP THE PUBLIC FROM DISCOVERING THIS!”

    Meanwhile, in the cockpit of the Starship Tagoterram…

    "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me, ARRGH! Dada dam dum de dum…”

    "SHUT THAT SINGING, KYOGRE!” roared Regigigas, its hands being over its ears having no affect whatsoever, and its rage being in the caps-lock levels.

    Kyogre was miffed by this reaction, and turned the ship-like steering wheel using its mind.

    "Yarrgh, only ‘cause I like ye Regigigas. Boom bassa boom festival!”

    The third figure in the room made itself known in the form of a threat: "The next person to make a Paper Mario 2 reference, or any reference of any kind, or to sing in this chapter, will be given a Hyper Beam TO THE HEAD!”


    This was, of course, Rayquaza. It went on “I am not the guardian of the skies anymore. I am the guardian…of the Fourth Wall!”

    Kyogre just about stopped itself from commenting “Are you on drugs again?”

    It did say, very nervously “OK…Well, we are in parking orbit now. They will soon try to communicate with us now.”

    On Earth in general...

    The public found out about it.

    Headlines read on newspapers that an alien ship had been spotted in the atmosphere. On TVs and radios, they chattered about it on programmes.

    The UN HQ…

    In a crowded, oak panelled room full of podiums, all of the most important people in the world gathered to discuss the nature of the craft hanging above the sky. They decided to fabricate a message in some of the most common languages in the world including English, Hindu, and Mandarin Chinese. These would then be spoken, and be broadcasted to the ship.

    The American President was up first, to speak the English message: “Visitors to our world, thank you for coming to us. I hope we could do a number of things, being that we should learn from each other. Respect each other. Pay taxes to us. We can work together and accomplish things that we couldn’t do alone. Thank you for listening to us.”

    The Chinese representative was about to stand up, when a tennis ball-sized sphere of white light, as substantial as mist, descended into the room and expanded into a screen the size of a whiteboard, showing blue static. Everyone held their breath for potential extravagancy.

    The static cleared up, and they saw complete darkness. Except for two glowing, red eyes.

    A voice presumably coming from the screen said in a harsh, cold tone “Is this thing working at the other end?”

    A few people mumbled ”Yes”, before they were shushed into silence.

    The invisible voice spoke this message with a feeling of anger being held back: “We have heard your proposition. We have also decided that your message was insulting. You destroy our way of life, and then you decide to make us pay taxes!”

    At this point the German representative said under his breath “I knew we shouldn’t have gone with the taxes bit”, before facepalming.

    The shadowy figure went ballistic at this point, howling, before going into periods of quietness “You set of a bomb whereby a shockwave was set off, killing millions of intelligent lifeforms. Not too dissimilar to you. With them gone, billions of creatures were left without caregivers. This caused hatred among us. Mental pain to us all. You have no idea about the amount of agony coursing through me right now. You are a despicable race. The person who ordered that attack of the atomic bomb on Japan was evil. EVIL. He caused the death of thousands of innocent, carefree people WITH NO MERCY and then destroys one of OUR races on a different planet. The humans on this planet should take being called evil, despicable, MONSTERS as a compliment because of the things you’ve done. You then suggest making us pay taxes?! The human race would’ve only been subjected to fairly harsh torture, but that idiot had to put that little bit in to doom everything! This speaker, Giratina, hopes you all die. End communication.”

    The image disappeared.

    Shocked silence hung over the air for a few moments.

    “Wow.” stated the Bulgarian representative.

    On the Starship Tagoterram

    In a steel-coated room, with dozens of legendary Pokémon working with radar systems, life support controls and other mysterious contraptions, Mewtwo stood over the supreme weapon control panel.

    "Standby Pulse Wave.” Arceus commanded from a high system control panel.

    After a few moments, Mewtwo said with no emotion "Firing Pulse Wave.”


    A green wave of energy was blasted from the ship, hitting the earth’s surface.
    This had an unseen but deadly effect: all of Earth’s satellites had been knocked out. Television, GPS, and ATMs were all eliminated from Earth’s weapons. Not that they would be too much use.

    20 seconds after the Pulse Wave had been launched, Arceus stated “Standby Motherships.”

    About 3 seconds later Mewtwo said in a clear, powerful voice ”Launching Motherships.”


    Panels on the spires folded away, revealing the Motherships. They were 600 feet thick, metallic grey, triangular shapes, being 6000 feet long on each edge. An energy core was visible from an aerial view. Half of them, 2.5 million, soared out of their hatches. Some of them dived into the world’s oceans, others hung above major cities. They looked, menacing, imposing, and evil. People on the surface panicked, took pictures with their cameras, and generally were impressed by the civilization that created it.

    Johannesburg, South Africa

    People here reacted like all the others in different parts of the world. One person said that Mr Johnson had come back, before his head was vaporized.

    One conversation between several people went like this:

    “Is it a bird?”

    “Is it a plane?”

    “Is it Superman?”

    Before the conversation could progress, a grinding, metallic noise drew their attention skywards.

    The hatch opened.

    -------------
    Please R, R, and R! (Read, review, and rate!)
    Last edited by The Lord 67; 2nd October 2011 at 8:45 AM.

  7. #7
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    Dark, very dark indeed. I'm enjoying this, but I must find one little nit-pick. The way the German leader acts, in my eyes, is a bit like a joke. But apart from that, its very good. The irony that they had gone to the wrong dimension made it all the more dramatic. I liked the fourth wall jokes, but don't overdose it. All in all, a very good start to a story
    Charizard

    Enought Said

  8. #8
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    Yes, maybe I should'nt go too overboard with the fourth wall jokes. Also, those are very good points overall for me to improve on. But anyway, thanks for stopping by and posting!

  9. #9

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    this was a good chapter. NOOOOO!!! don't take away the fourth wall jokes those were halarious. XD

    One conversation between several people went like this:

    “Is it a bird?”

    “Is it a plane?”

    “Is it Superman?”
    hmmmm were have I heard that before? JK


    Johannesburg, South Africa
    REALLY...JOHANNESBURG WOW YOU JUST HAD TO GO THERE DIDN'T YA.
    OVER ALL 9.9/10
    :Blast:!
    whats taters precious--Gollum/smeagle
    whats up ya'll

    Visit my trade shop here http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=524646

  10. #10
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    Thanks for the reply! Chapter 2 has been completed already, just one more day to go!

  11. #11
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    Looks like there's another Apokelypser added to SPPf's repertoire. It's major review time!


    PROLOUGE

    Prologue is spelled with the "g" before the "u".

    The starship sailed through the inky void.

    It was from a dimension similar in all aspects to yours but with one difference: Where Earth should be was a similar planet, named Pokéarth. This is where Pokémon and humans alike lived in harmony together. Various areas called “regions” made up this world. Happiness, joy, sorrow, and adventure were common on Pokéarth. That is of course, until a terrible tragedy happened.

    After the ":", "where" should not be capitalized. As there is no period separating it from the other part of the sentence, only proper nouns or "I" would be capitalized.

    In yet another dimension, (with the sole difference to yours that the company ‘Nintendo’ never existed) on 1945, the nuclear bomb hit Hiroshima with terrible force. At that moment, a wormhole which was a nothing-th of a second long, a nothing-th of an inch wide, and spanning several dimensions, appeared, carrying the sound wave across to Pokéarth. This should have just caused deafness to everyone in range. However, it activated an ancient wave of shadow energy, the same used to corrupt Pokémon in Orre, to pass through the planet, obliterating all the humans on it. The Pokémon were horrified at this disaster.

    "Nothing-th" is understandable, but I'd go with "not a second long; not an inch wide". Also, remove the comma after "dimensions" in that same sentence.

    Normally the Pokémon would’ve gone on with their lives. However, the shadow caused them to be Core Shadow Pokémon. There were no physical changes, but there were two side-affects that changed them forever. Firstly, the developed a deep desire for revenge, and secondly they acquired so much offensive and defensive abilities that a Weedle could live through several hours of being shot by a machine gun and only have minor blood loss.

    I understand what you were doing there, but doesn't that just seem...not quite right? Even though Sue-ness usually applies to protagonists, I think this may be a little overboard. Making things close to invincible can get boring.

    The Pokémon built a gargantuan spaceship close to the size and shape of their home planet out in deep space to get back at the ‘advanced’ civilization that scarred them so deeply. This spaceship was a spherical monstrosity, taking 50 years to build and being able to hold 25 billion creatures. Spires of unknown metals towered out of the ‘axis’ of the spaceship, holding 5 million triangular motherships to carry the Pokémon down to Earth. Plasma cannons littered the surface. 3 engines, each the size of Spain, blasted the craft along at a gentle stroll of half the speed of light.

    "Civilisation" is spelled as "civilization". Now those are some hard working Pokemon.

    The Starship Tagoterram reached a dimensional wormhole near Pluto (where all the ‘missing’ human spacecraft went). It went into the hole, seemingly coming out in the exact same place.

    The spaceship turned around, and headed to the exact same co-ordinates from where it had been launched.

    I believe there's no need for any "-" after "co". It might be just be one of those "Gray or grey?" kinds of things, so tell me if I'm wrong.

    Not to Pokéarth.


    But to Earth.

    CHAPTER 1: FIRST CONTACT

    Computers lined the walls of this room. Mathematical observations were tacked to the walls. Scattered papers littered the desks and the floor. Models of the solar system hung from the ceiling. On the monitors, figures and charts were aplenty.

    Three people were working in the room. The first, a bald-headed professor, with a large, white, bushy beard. The second was a woman in her 30’s, with the name of Clarissa, and the third, an oriental woman named Erika, being the newest addition to the observatory.

    The professor was watching a computer, when he noticed something the size of the Earth randomly appear next to Pluto.

    Well, that was odd, he thought to himself, but he reassured himself that the computer was malfunctioning.

    No comma after "odd". Just a period. Otherwise, it seems that his thoughts and the general narration are meshed together.

    His opinion on the matter, however, changed four minutes later when the ‘malfunctioning’ computer still showed the anomaly when it had been rebooted. Now starting to get worried and confused, he checked some of the figures and they plainly showed that the object was there.

    After "figures", place a period or semicolon(";", if I recall correctly). Then put(first word is capitalized if you placed a period; left uncapitalized if a semicolon) "they plainly showed that the object was there".

    “Clarissa? Could you track the anomaly in sector ZZ9-257.3?” he asked, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

    The woman in the lab coat obliged, and twenty seconds later she knew something was wrong.

    “Sir, Erika, come quickly!” Clarissa shouted in a mixture of fear and panic.

    The others were startled at this sudden outburst, knowing that she was only loud when she was deeply concerned, but they recovered and made their way over.

    Clarissa said with tones of horror “In a solar system where everything moves elliptically, the object is moving… in a straight line!”

    After "...", don't have a space and then "in a straight line!". Have it as "...in a straight line!".

    The professor recovered from this revelation first and picked up a telephone to tell fellow astrophysicists to track the object at all costs.

    A Military Base, Somewhere in the USA

    "Somewhere" should not be capitalized.

    News quickly reached the military around the world. The United States army’s finest minds had gathered to discuss this unique object. At this point, no-one knew if it was natural or an alien construction.

    "No one" does need the spacing, but no dash.

    The most important question was asked by a young, fit, and overconfident army lieutenant: “Is it a threat to us, or even the entire planet?”

    An old man wearing a questionable orange trench coat replied in an ‘Everyone-knows-this’ kind of voice, “It is a potential threat. If it is an asteroid, which is close to impossible due to its size and movement, it will hit us and we would all be screwed. If it was some sort of alien craft, either they would be friendly, which I would doubt, or we would be screwed by alien invaders, which is unfortunately the most likely case.”

    No need for capitalization on "everyone". And no comma after "voice".

    The psychology expert in the room opened his mouth, and was interrupted before he could say anything by the trench coat man.

    “No, even if they have the most advanced technology we have ever seen; it does not mean they are friendly. Germany was the most advanced civilization in the 1930’s, and you know what happened in the next two decades. In fact, intelligence is the sign of a predator-“

    Fortunately – I mean unfortunately, his speech was interrupted by a ringtone coming from the pocket of a lab coat that was creepily covered in blood and stab wounds, hanging on the back of a chair.

    You could've just said "unfortunately" in the first place.

    The trench coat person dived for the phone and took the call, “Hello. You’re looking for Professor Frankly? Oh, he has been brutally murdered by me – I mean out for some fresh air. Ok. Send the live video. Bye.”

    No comma after "call". Put a period there instead. And who knew murderers could be in the top tiers of military areas? I certainly didn't. 0_0

    The mass murderer guy continued, to the world in general, “We have just now receiving a live footage tape from the observatory in the first part of this chapter.”

    No comma after "general". And make "receiving" "received". Oh, and nice fourth wall breaking.

    A Plasma TV that appeared five seconds before hand flickered, and a video played, showing the Starship Tagoterram in orbit around the planet.

    Once his mouth had closed after being open for several seconds, the army lieutenant reached for a convenient telephone and rang the observatory that had supplied the footage.

    “Hello? Yes. STOP THE PUBLIC FROM DISCOVERING THIS!!!"

    I wouldn't use multiple exclamation marks unless you plan on writing something along the lines of The Adventure of Adventureness.

    Meanwhile, in the cockpit of the Starship Tagoterram…

    "Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirates life for me, ARRGH! Dada dam dum de dum…”

    No capitalizing the second "yo". "Pirates" should be "pirate's" in order to indicate possession.

    "SHUT THAT SINGING, KYOGRE!” roared Regigigas, its hands being over its ears having no affect whatsoever, and its rage being in the caps-lock levels.

    Kyogre was miffed by this reaction, and turned the ship-like steering wheel using its mind.

    "Yarrgh, only ‘cause I like ye Regigigas. Boom bassa boom festival!”

    The third figure in the room made itself known in the form of a threat:"The next person to make a Paper Mario 2 reference, or any reference of any kind, or to sing in this chapter, will be given a Hyper Beam TO THE HEAD!!!

    Put a space between ":" and the quotation mark. And there's the multiple exclamation marks again. Try not to make a bad habit of it(at least in stories, as the forum itself is a completely different thing).

    This was, of course, Rayquaza. It went on, “I am not the guardian of the skies anymore. I am the guardian… of the Fourth Wall!”

    No comma after "on". And there should be no space between "..." and "of".

    Kyogre just about stopped itself from commenting, “Are you on drugs again?”

    No comma after "commenting".

    It did say, very nervously, “OK… Well, we are in parking orbit now. They will soon try to communicate with us now.”

    No comma after "nervously". "..." and "Well" should not have a space between them.

    On Earth in general..,

    Change "..," to "...".

    The public found out about it.

    Headlines read on newspapers that an alien ship had been spotted in the atmosphere. On TVs’ and radios’, they chattered about it on programmes.

    "TVs'" should be "TVs", "radios'" should be "radios", and "programmes" should be "programs".

    The UN HQ…

    In a crowded, oak panelled room full of podiums, all of the most important people in the world gathered to discuss the nature of the craft hanging above the sky. They decided to fabricate a message in some of the most common languages in the world including English, Hindu, and Mandarin Chinese. These would then be spoken, and be broadcasted to the ship.

    The American President was up first, to speak the English message: “Visitors to our world, thank you for coming to us. I hope we could do a number of things, being that we should learn from each other. Respect each other. Pay taxes to us. We can work together and accomplish things that we couldn’t do alone. Thank you for listening to us.”

    The Chinese representative was about to stand up, when a tennis ball-sized sphere of white light, as substantial as mist, descended into the room and expanded into a screen the size of a white board, showing blue static. Everyone held their breath for potential extravagancy.

    "White board" should be "whiteboard".

    The static cleared up, and they saw complete darkness. Except for two, glowing, red eyes.

    That should be "two glowing, red eyes".

    A voice presumably coming from the screen said in harsh, cold tones, “Is this thing working at the other end?”

    Should be "in a harsh, cold tone" without a comma on the end.

    A few people mumbled,”Yes”, before they were shushed into silence.

    No comma after "mumbled"; no comma after ""Yes"".

    The invisible voice spoke this message with a feeling of anger being held back: “We have heard your proposition. We have also decided that your message was insulting. You destroy our way of life, and then you decide to make us pay taxes!”

    At this point the German representative said under his breath, “I knew we shouldn’t have gone with the taxes bit”, before facepalming.

    No comma after "breath".

    The shadowy figure went ballistic at this point, howling, before going into periods of quietness, “You set of a bomb whereby a shockwave was set off, killing millions of intelligent lifeforms. Not too dissimilar to you. With them gone, billions of creatures were left without carers. This caused hatred among us. Mental pain to us all. You have no idea about the amount of agony coursing through me right now. You are a despicable race. The person who ordered that attack of the atomic bomb on Japan was evil. EVIL. He caused the death of thousands of innocent, carefree people WITH NO MERCY and then destroys one of OUR races on a different planet. The humans on this planet should take being called evil, despicable, MONSTERS as a compliment because of the things you’ve done. You then suggest making us pay taxes?!? The human race would’ve only been subjected to fairly harsh torture, but that idiot had to put that little bit in to doom everything! This speaker, Giratina, hopes you all die. End communication.”

    No comma after "quietness"; turn "carers" into "caregivers". I'd also remove the extra question mark after the "?!" after "taxes".

    The image disappeared.

    Shocked silence hung over the air for a few moments.

    “Wow”, stated the Bulgarian representative.

    No comma after ""Wow"". Also make it ""Wow.""

    On the Starship Tagoterram

    In a steel coated room, with dozens of legendary Pokémon working with radar systems, life support controls and other mysterious contraptions, Mewtwo stood over the supreme weapon control panel.

    Should be "steel-coated", if I'm correct.

    "Standby Pulse Wave”, Arceus commanded from a high system control panel.

    comma after ""Wave"". Make it ""Wave.""

    After a few moments, Mewtwo said with no emotion, "Firing Pulse Wave.”

    No comma after "emotion".

    A green wave of energy was blasted from the ship, hitting the earth’s surface.
    This had an unseen but deadly effect: all of Earth’s satellites had been knocked out. Television, GPS, and ATMs were all eliminated from Earth’s weapons. Not that they would be too much use.

    20 seconds after the Pulse Wave had been launched, Arceus stated: “Standby Motherships.”

    I'd remove the ":" after "stated".

    Exactly 3.478 seconds later Mewtwo said in a clear, powerful, voice,”Launching Motherships”.

    I think "3.478" exactly is unnecessary. Make "clear, powerful, voice," "clear, powerful voice". At the end of the paragraph, have the period and quotation mark swap places.

    Panels on the spires folded away, revealing the Motherships. They were 600 feet thick, metallic grey, triangular shapes, being 6000 feet long on each edge. An energy core was visible from an aerial view. Half of them, 2.5 million, soared out of their hatches. Some of them dived into the world’s oceans, others hung above major cities. They looked, menacing, imposing, and evil. People on the surface panicked, took pictures with their cameras, and generally were impressed by the civilisation that created it.

    It's spelled "civilization".

    Johannesburg, South Africa

    People here reacted like all the others in different parts of the world. One person said that Mr Johnson had come back, before his head was vaporised.

    It's spelled "vaporized".

    One conversation between several people went like this:

    “Is it a bird?”

    “Is it a plane?”

    “Is it Superman?”

    Before the conversation could progress, a grinding, metallic noise drew their attention skywards.

    The hatch opened.
    When any originally bolded text is wrong/needs to be pointed out, that specific part is underlined as well. Normal text that is wrong/needs to be pointed out is just bolded. Below the paragraph or line that the problem is at, you will see my comment on it completely bolded and underlined.

    I'm liking this alien invasion-like Apokelypse. THE POKEMON SHALL GET THEIR REVENGE. I wonder if this exact thing will happen in the future..? Good job. Lots of mistakes, I know. But the general idea of what exactly happens is quite decent.

    Hope this helps, because this has taken at least 1 hour to comment and review my way through.
    ~Fact of the Whenever~
    Life gives you lemons because a large portion of humanity wasn't thankful for the grapes it already had. Please treat all fruit with respect.

  12. #12
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    Right, thanks for the corrections. I have done all of them except a few, which I have numbered and put here:

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post

    1. I understand what you were doing there, but doesn't that just seem...not quite right? Even though Sue-ness usually applies to protagonists, I think this may be a little overboard. Making things close to invincible can get boring.

    2. "Civilisation" is spelled as "civilization". Now those are some hard working Pokemon.

    3. I believe there's no need for any "-" after "co". It might be just be one of those "Gray or grey?" kinds of things, so tell me if I'm wrong.

    4. "No one" does need the spacing, but no dash.

    5. You could've just said "unfortunately" in the first place.

    6. I wouldn't use multiple exclamation marks unless you plan on writing something along the lines of The Adventure of Adventureness.

    7."TVs'" should be "TVs", "radios'" should be "radios", and "programmes" should be "programs".

    8. No comma after "quietness"; turn "carers" into "caregivers".

    9.It's spelled "vaporized".
    Now my replys:

    1. This is a slight problem, but in Chapters 3 and 5 Pokémon don't have it all their own way.

    2. I think this is personal preference, but did it anyway.

    3. See answer to 2.

    4. See answer to 2.

    5. This is actually key to the story.

    6. This was completely unintentional in both cases. I have no recollection of putting them there.

    7. All good except programmes, for that see 2.

    8. Caregivers? Never heard of that word, but put it in anyway.

    9. See answer to 2.

    Thanks for the reply! This has been extreemly helpful, and I am grateful for it.

    Chapter 2 will be in this post later today.

    Edit: Here it is!

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah.

    Chapter 2: The war begins...

    Johannesburg, South Africa

    The hatch opened.

    From the green light, millions of creatures poured out of it, before starting on the important business of destroying buildings and killing people. The defence force that had managed to be gathered was immediately eliminated from play.

    The people who survived the first 5 minutes noticed that there were 6 different types of creature invading Johannesburg. There was a steel ball, which was surrounded by 2 magnets and a couple of bolts. There were also versions where there were three of them stuck together, not forgetting the third which looked similar to a grey UFO. These were the Magnamite family, patrolling the skies and vaporising the most pressing threat.

    The next three consisted of a deceptively cute orange/yellow chick which blasted red-hot flames. The second was similar to the first, but was taller and more streamlined, as well as on steroids. The third was taller and more streamlined than the second, except it was reddish on colour, and it was leaping over skyscrapers with incredible skill. Collectively, they are the Torchic family.

    Anyone who thought a battle tank could stop a Blaziken, or a fighter jet could stop a Magneton was quickly proved wrong.

    One Blaziken was busy terrorising a group of innocent bystanders when it noticed a particular shop. The sign said: KFC.

    With a cry of “DIE!” it Sky Uppercuted the fast-food shop into orbit.

    The Earth in general

    Detritus covered the Earth’s major cities like a blanket. People who had managed to survive the onslaught were either killed by falling pieces of brick, concrete, glass, wood, stone, or were picked off by the Pokémon.

    The armies of the world had finally managed to get their act together and were fighting as one army of humanity, old foes fighting with each other, deepest enemies standing back to back. Needless to say, it wasn’t working. Missiles, bullets, grenades, swords, maces, whatever the weapon, it had no affect. It just enraged the Pokémon, and then they obliterated the offending attacker. The war in the skies above didn’t fare any better.

    At sea, battle ships were tracked by their own radar, and then were attacked from below by Tentacruels or Sharpedos, or from the skies. Submarines were battered until there was a pressure leak, killing all the inhabitants onboard.

    The cities not immediately destroyed by this tragedy fled, looting and rioting for supplies, before scurrying to the wilderness. Civilization had been dealt a deadly blow.

    The Starship Tagoterram

    In a launching bay, Lugia, Ho-oh, Moltres, Zapdos, and Articuno were briefing several thousand flying Pokémon on their mission:

    Your objective,” stated Lugia “is to attack all the power plants, factories, farms, or any other part of human infrastructure.”

    Ho-oh gestured towards the sleek, black, small ships before saying “These F19-ZZ30s are your holding ships that are self programmed to fly over every target you have to face. The targets will be undefended and harmless. Destroy them without failure.”

    The Pokémon boarded the small, sleek ships designed for speed, not power or comfort. Several thousand of them sped out towards their targets.

    Earth, 1 week after first contact

    On Earth’s farms, and energy plants, the F19-ZZ30s swooped down at immensely high speeds, pausing only briefly to let the Pokémon do their work of ravaging the land, removing the infrastructure of life as we know it.
    Fields were burnt to the ground, and power plants exploded, spreading radiation and other harmful substances across the planet.

    Another pulse wave, red this time, was issued from the Starship, hanging over the skies. It was as subtle as the first one, but equally deadly. Animals, large or small, fierce or cute, tame or wild, in Alaska or Australia, started savaging humans. The Pokémon had managed to bend animals to their will.

    The Pokémon had set up forts, made of the same impervious metal of the warships, extracting minerals from the earth. They were having it all their own way.

    At this point, 5 billion had died, either falling to the horde, or failing because of lack of supplies. Over half of the human population, gone in a week. Guerrilla teams trying to strike back were quickly rephrased as Suicide Teams. Most of the survivors were on the run, learning skills previously forgotten.

    London, England

    The last of the human armies, about 1 million people in total, had gathered on a hillside, for a desperate last-chance assault on London.

    A messenger came running to the leader, General Conan, with what seemed like good news “Sir, we have just obtained a photograph from the scouts, sir.”

    The blue-eyed, well built general looked at the snapshot with an amazed expression.

    In the photo were no giant spaceship, no ruins, and lots of people wandering around.

    The young, blond, leader managed to say “Gather the troops. We need to patrol the area, just in case. This is too good to be true.”

    30 minutes later, all of the soldiers had been gathered, moving cautiously, expecting a laser to be fired at any moment. Due to lack of firepower, most had to use hand-to-hand combat weapons, such as the halberd. In fact, nothing dangerous appeared until they were 50 yards from the city boundary.

    An Alakazam materialized out of nowhere. The troops were scrabbling for their weapons when it disassembled the projection, revealing 5000 Pokémon, a mix of Gengar and Alakazam. The Pokémon were easily outnumbered 200 to 1.

    The humans never had a chance.

    Right off the bat, the Pokémon fired soaring bursts of energy, eliminating the ready opposition. About 450,000 had been slaughtered before they were in range of hand-to-hand combat.

    Punches came out of nowhere. Bolts of lightning and beams of ice did incredible damage. Rainbow coloured waves and spheres of darkness made humans face each other and drop dead respectively.

    In five minutes, the humans were vanquished. Not one Pokémon was injured, let alone killed.

    A Gengar roared, “EPIC...FAIL!”

    This was soon taken as a chant, accompanied by cheering and leaping.

    A very, very, very secret bunker

    In a cold, concrete room, very far underground, a briefcase was laid on a table.

    “Here you are Mr President.” said the layer of that briefcase.

    The one referred to as Mr President opened the briefcase. He took out a yellowed piece of paper and the number on the piece of paper was entered into an old-fashioned telephone.

    An undersea submarine

    The call was taken. The taker of the call looked around, before nodding. She entered a code into a computer. After this, she carefully pressed a button that was hoped that it would never, ever, be needed.

    A hatch opened.

    A bone white rocket lifted up through the water and into the sky. It sped up, detaching the outer casing. When in deep space, the inner casing was removed.

    Seven conical shapes, named Wrath, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Lust, Envy, and Gluttony after the Seven Deadly Sins, popped out.

    These nuclear warheads had the combined power of 250 Hiroshima bombs, and were headed straight for the object levitating over Washington D.C.

    This was a very risky gamble. If it worked, the other Motherships could be scared away. However, if it failed, a vital rallying point would be crushed.

    The Pokémon had been recalled at the immanent danger of the warheads, but if the plan worked, that precaution would’ve been useless.

    The warheads struck.

    Washington D.C., USA

    Every building within 10 miles was levelled to the ground.


    98٪ of the population who has been tough (or stupid) enough to remain were killed.


    Rubble and fallout affected people 900 miles away.



    The smoke cleared.

    ---------------
    Please R,R, and R!
    Last edited by The Lord 67; 2nd October 2011 at 5:04 PM.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Lord 67 View Post
    Right, thanks for the corrections. I have done all of them except a few, which I have numbered and put here:



    Now my replys:

    1. This is a slight problem, but in Chapters 3 and 5 Pokémon don't have it all their own way.

    2. I think this is personal preference, but did it anyway.

    3. See answer to 2.

    4. See answer to 2.

    5. This is actually key to the story.

    6. This was completely unintentional in both cases. I have no recollection of putting them there.

    7. All good except programmes, for that see 2.

    8. Caregivers? Never heard of that word, but put it in anyway.

    9. See answer to 2.

    Thanks for the reply! This has been extreemly helpful, and I am grateful for it.

    Chapter 2 will be in this post later today.

    Glad I could help.

    I understand personal preferences, you understand personal preferences, we ALL understand personal preferences. The thing with them is that anything that isn't officially correct to some people will shut them down completely. Many of us get nagged constantly with that tiny "error". With that, some can get majorly distracted from the story itself.

    Oh my goodness, I forgot something!

    In yet another dimension, (with the sole difference to yours that the company ‘Nintendo’ never existed) on 1945,
    I'd change "on" to "in". Yup, grammar nazis will never completely overlook something. FEAR THE NAZI RAWR
    ~Fact of the Whenever~
    Life gives you lemons because a large portion of humanity wasn't thankful for the grapes it already had. Please treat all fruit with respect.

  14. #14
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    Again, thanks for the reply, and the additional correction. But now... TIME OF CHAPTER 3! This is a huge chapter, taking up 7 pages of writing. Dead serious.

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah.


    CHAPTER 3: Short stories Part 1

    Washington D.C, USA

    The smoke cleared.

    Out of it a shape loomed unpleasantly. The Mothership was completely intact, except for a couple of scratches on the paint.

    A Rattata who hadn’t been recalled limped weakly through the ruins of the ruins.

    The same secret bunker seen in Chapter 2

    DAMMIT!” roared the President of the United States, having gone beyond mere caps-lock rage.

    The K30-Subship, Above Brazil

    The K30-Subship was a unique unit. It was half the size of a Mothership, but only held 5 Pokémon: 2 Brongzong for security, a Venomoth controlling the weapons, a Metagross looking after the system control panel and the DNA sampler, and a Yanmega being the captain.

    Right”, ordered the Yanmega, “Get the DNA sampler ready, I spy a human.”

    It was correct. Walking through the forest was a 12 year old girl, who looked flawless and beautiful. Nothing in the forest was trying to hurt her. Instead, some of the animals were trying to offer drinks.

    Venomoth peered down through a telescope-like object and observed for a while, finally saying This isn’t good. What happened to the red pulse wave? Has it stopped working?”

    Beam her up Metagross.” commanded Yanmega, completely ignoring the question.

    A golden, biblical-style spotlight landed on the human. She dematerialised in a spiral, before materialising in the oddly pink DNA chamber.

    Collecting DNA sample,” stated the Metagross.

    Some tweezers came down, supported by robotic arms, and plucked a small hair off. They deposited the hair into a small, metallic cube, before returning to their compartments.

    The girl sat down and sighed, before complaining:” Nothing bad ever happens to me if I can prevent it. It’s my nature.”

    With a shocked look at the person, the Venomoth trembled, “Err...What is your name, mortal?”

    The girl smiled amiably before replying, “Mary. Mary Sue.”

    The Venomoth looked at the Yanmega, which nodded.

    DIE! NO MARY-SUE’S ARE GONNA BE IN THIS STORY!” shrieked the Venomoth, firing a purely destructive beam of energy at the girl, vaporizing her.

    Good job, Kzath’ra”, commented the Yanmega, “Mary-Sue’s should be put in a pool of lava or a scorpion nest for their crimes on all intelligent beings.”

    Updating Pokémon on locations of all humans on Earth. For those of you who could be reading this in a fanfic, I have used the DNA to locate all humans on this planet. This shall result in a few short stories spanning over two chapters,” said Metagross, before piloting the K30-Subship to a new location.

    Russia, Asia

    In a remote northern area of Russia, a blizzard was raging with snow. It was always raging with snow. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. No trees or plants had survived this winter. Animals could potentially be found. Potentially.

    A lone man walked over a snowy outcrop. Wearing a thick, coat, and waddling in the style of someone who has 5 jumpers on, he entered a dark cavern, hoping to get some rest.

    When a fire was eventually lit, the old man reflected on the years. He could’ve been a cosmonaut, or a пожарный. So much of his life wasted. He sighed loudly.

    An inhuman shadow suddenly sprang upon the cave. It was caused by a white-blue cat-like creature, stretching its legs, before lying down by the cave entrance.

    The wrinkled, ancient man picked up a piece of wood, before lighting it on the fire and approached the oddity.

    The Glaceon saw the figure approach, and it moved out of range of the heat. This hiatus repeated until they were around 50 foot away from the cave. But then, the creature did the least expected move (at least to the old man).

    The beast turned around, and fired a ray of ice, narrowly missing the man and putting an unfortunate arctic fox in the deep freeze.

    “Мой Бог!” shouted the elderly man, clearly not expecting the sudden change of events.

    He threw the torch at the creature surprisingly accurately, and set it on fire. The Glaceon shrieked with pain, before it realised to roll in the snow. Which it did. The flames were put out, and the cat-like monster summoned 5 shards of ice, sending them at high speed towards the elderly person.

    One struck at chest height, and the 4 others hit the arms and legs. The man crumpled, falling to the snow. Red blood streamed out of the afflicted places, creating a pool of the crimson liquid.

    The Glaceon looked harshly at the body, before heading over a hill and disappearing.

    A beach near the Great Barrier Reef, Australia

    “Ha, take that, you evil…thing!”

    “You’re gonna pay for the crimes you did!”

    “Mate, you’re going to hell!”

    Three teenage boys were harassing a beached Magikarp, kicking it, throwing stones at it and generally hurting it.

    However, one of them accidently threw it onto a large insect swarm, crushing the tiny creatures. When that happened, robotic-style lettering came out of nowhere:

    “MAGIKARP GREW TO LEVEL 20! HP: +20, ATTACK: +OVER 9000, SP.ATT: +20, DEF: +20, SP.DEF: +20, SPEED: +20.”

    With this, the fish-like creature glowed with brilliant white light, almost blinding the boys. The body expanded into segments, with an awesome pair of jaws. White flippers came out of the body.

    When this was done, standing before them was a Gyarados, which let out a brilliant roar.

    All four beings stood stock still, waiting for any of the others to move. Sound seemed to respect this moment, making the area temporarily silent.

    When it was clear that nothing was going to happen, the Gyarados leant down and ate the closest teenager head-first, chewing for a few seconds, before spitting out a perfectly complete skeleton.

    The other two roared with the loss of their companion, throwing anything hard and sharp at the sea dragon, ie. their friend’s ribs. However, their throwing strength seemed to be depleting with every throw, much faster than it would usually be.

    The Gyarados chose its second victim, smacking him with its tail several hundred metres above the ocean, before plummeting. Anyone who has belly flopped into a local swimming pool will know that the results weren’t pretty.

    The third human started to back away, trembling, “I…I brought you in-nto th-i-s world… you kn-o-o-w! Yes, that’s it!”

    The Gyarados seemed to consider this, before reaching into the sea with its tail, throwing out a Wailmer which landed dangerously close to the boy.

    On top of a swarm of insects.

    “WAILMER GREW TO LEVEL 40! HP: +867, ATTACK: +20, SP.ATT: +20, DEF: +20, SP.DEF: +20, SPEED: +20.”

    “CRIKEY!” screamed the boy in terror, before being crushed to death by the newly evolved Wailord.

    The two Water-Type Pokémon stared at each other before rolling and slithering into the ocean, respective of the body shape.

    Buda, Budapest, Hungary

    A horde of creatures was seen over the horizon on the barricade.

    The last remaining human army-like force grimaced, and hoped for the best.

    And prepared for the worst.

    4 hours later in Buda, Budapest (Note: Imagine they are speaking Hungarian because it would take too much of your time to use Google translator and because I am lazy)

    A door was opened leading into a well furnished, respectable room, with ornaments on the mantelpiece and orchids on a wooden table. The man who had opened the door entered, albeit with some difficulty because of the 30 kg weight on his back.

    His wife was sitting on the sofa, and she said the same words that she said every day: “How was your day, dear?”

    The husband replied in a monotonous voice, “I got conscripted into the militia as a Sergeant.”

    “Yes?”

    “We saw a horde of evil creatures.”

    “Yes?”

    “We defeated them and managed to control their base.”

    “Good job! Go on.”

    “Oh yes, I transformed into your husband before killing him mercilessly.”

    The smile on the woman’s face flickered for a second, but she laughed and commented, “Good joke there! Very, very good.”

    The man’s expression became serious before saying: “I mean it”, then proceeding to kill the unfortunate human with a shot to the head.

    Blood stained the carpet. The human turned without a word, and walked out the door it had just entered.

    The figure dematerialised, into a purple-pink blob. The Ditto wandered around again, looking for another human to copy.

    Pest, Budapest, same time

    While the Dittos were impersonating humans, a Mothership glided towards the safe part of town. There was nowhere for the humans to run, nowhere to hide.

    When the Mothership was directly over the area of civilisation. Flygon’s prepared to make the leap of faith over the hatch side. However a different figure, with a dinosaur-like shape and blood red skin was more than ready to jump. It bellowed at the others to get ready faster as it was ready for the taste of flesh.

    About 5 seconds later, several reptilian shouts were heard from the hatch:

    “Ready!”

    “Ready!”

    “NOW!”


    The figures flew out of the hatch at tremendous speeds, causing widespread destruction and chaos, as per usual. Groudon leaped into the sky, before curling up into a ball for the sudden, sharp impact.

    The earthquake that resulted demolished a few buildings.

    Dragon Claws raced through the air, flamethrowers burnt the soil, and there was general chaos. A human did manage to get hold of a rocket launcher, and fired a supersonic missile at Groudon, who was at the time currently crushing a car.

    The projectile collided, sending a lot of smoke, debris, and flames around the area. The next and last things the missile launcher operator saw were two, red glowing eyes, orange and yellow cracks underneath his feet, and a chasm quickly opening up beneath him, before closing. A very messy way to go.

    While looking for its next victim, Groudon saw a toddler, about 2 years old, wandering around the battlefield, miraculously and accidently dodging all of the attacks.

    With a cruel smile, Groudon readied a Fire Blast. A star-shaped flame burst forth, smashing into the air particles where she would’ve been if she had not bent down to pick up a small pebble.

    Groudon’s expression changed to a snarl, swiping at her with a claw cloaked in purple energy. Which missed by millimetres.

    “THAT IS IT! YOU WILL DIE!” roared Groudon, already beyond caps-lock rage.

    It took on a golden glow, absorbing the rays of the sun. With a shriek, it fired a green beam of energy from the palm of its hand. Unfortunately for Groudon, the toddler had tripped and rolled down a steep slope, completely failing to be vaporized.

    Now beyond even size 3 rage, Groudon ordered a nearby squad of Flygon’s to kill the baby. Which failed. Again. Thus resulting in seven Flygon’s soaring through the air with an inconsiderate amount of launch force.

    Finally resulting to its most deadly weapon, Groudon, with a huge amount of self control, said calmly and clearly:”Alpha Alpha B2 Pkla Coms Activate.”

    Almost instantly, a voice appeared in Groudon’s head.

    Hey, Groudon, how have you been? Very busy over here, so please make this call quick, said a voice inside his head.

    Palkia! Nice to tele-communicate with you again! Anyway, there is a toddler who has just fallen in a pond. Sector ZZ9 Beta Majora Headgear, replied Groudon to the one now revealed to be Palkia.

    As Groudon had tele-communicated, the toddler had fallen into a pond, and was gurgling the word “Feesh” as well as pointing at the aquatic life.

    Right, yep, I see her. Tele-comms vision really helps. You want an Aura Sphere?

    Yes please.

    Firing...now.


    About 20 seconds later, a blue orb of energy hurtled through the sky, spraying water everywhere and giving off a lot of steam. The female was lying on the floor, completely intact.

    Palkia…

    Yes…


    What Groudon thought right now would have to be mainly bleeped out due to the rating, so it would be easier to list the words not censored:

    YOU

    MONKEY-BAT

    J.K. ROWLING

    MICKEY MOUSE

    DYNAMITE

    IN A BUCKET OF

    FUGDESICLES!


    Palkia looked stunned for a moment, before switching off the communication in an expression that clearly said: 0_0

    When Groudon had finally calmed down, it realised that the toddler was not breathing.

    “Drowning killed something more efficiently than I could. Wow. I…SUCK!”

    Underneath the Mothership hanging over what was New York, USA

    The two men looked at each other, and released the weights, letting them both float into the sky via helium balloons.

    This may sound like an odd plan, but Earth’s scientists had realised if they had managed to take out the high tech, then they might not even pick up low tech. The people chosen would float into the spaceship; strap TNT to any control panels of any vital importance, and do the ultimate suicide mission. This would hopefully dive the unharmed Motherships away.

    Unfortunately, they had not thought this plan through properly. When the bombers were very close in the air to the ships, the invaders just moved over a bit, leaving the attackers to freeze, suffocate in the low-oxygen areas of the atmosphere, or blow up.

    So, the official scores at the end of this chapter: Pokémon: 9087901 – Humanity: 0.

    ------------
    Please now R, R, and R!

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    Firstly, I'n a little confused. Is this OUR world, or the world where Nintendo never existed? Also you said Pokemon didn't get their way. Frankly, they did. Apart from the baby (who I presume is still alive) everyone else died.

    I can understand the power of an advanced race,but seriously having 7 nukes come out, blow up Washington DC and the ONLY casualty of the pokemon is a injured rattata. That is slightly pushing it in my opinion.

    Also you can't just rely on pure explosions, actions and death to suit the readers. I would like some character development. Only a couple of the legendaries are getting this, briefly.

    Now time for the good parts.

    Your writing is very descriptive, something many authors find tough. Also the action is good and realistic. Well, as realistic as pokemon can be.

    The use of different locations really helps the whole worldwide chaos thing.

    Also I see you tune down the 4th wall jokes. There still good to have, but not being crammed down are throat every 10 seconds
    Charizard

    Enought Said

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    Firstly, I'n a little confused. Is this OUR world, or the world where Nintendo never existed?
    The world where Nintendo never existed.

    Also you said Pokemon didn't get their way. Frankly, they did.
    I actually meant chapter 4, sorry about the typo there. I think you can probably guess which side wins.

    Apart from the baby (who I presume is still alive) everyone else died.
    Actually, the baby died.

    I can understand the power of an advanced race,but seriously having 7 nukes come out, blow up Washington DC and the ONLY casualty of the pokemon is a injured rattata. That is slightly pushing it in my opinion.
    Yes, the Pokémon have a Mary-Sueish type of close immortality. However, in chapter 4 they are almost beaten in several fights, and in chapter 5...actually, that is a bit of a spoiler.

    Also you can't just rely on pure explosions, actions and death to suit the readers. I would like some character development.
    As said in the first post, there are no main charachters, which leaves no room in for character development. Sorry about that, but in my next fic (not the sequel to this) there will be character development. Blood and gore is the best you can hope for.

    Your writing is very descriptive, something many authors find tough.
    I thought I had put in hardly any description. I am suprised you thought that!

    Anyway, thanks for your reply, and some of this criticism shall help me develop the later chapters better!
    Last edited by The Lord 67; 8th October 2011 at 7:12 PM.

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    When I said description I meant the moves, the way the ship is layed out and the intro to name a few.
    Charizard

    Enought Said

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    When I said description I meant the moves, the way the ship is layed out and the intro to name a few.
    OK, thanks for that clarification! Also, on progress of the next chapter...It probably won't be up in time, so expect it to be late. Sorry.

  19. #19

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    NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO The baby died wwwhhyyy. oh well to bad. plus that magikarp, wailmer and groudon were awsome! overall 9/10 My preference is make it mor funny.
    :Blast:
    whats taters precious--Gollum/smeagle
    whats up ya'll

    Visit my trade shop here http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=524646

  20. #20
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    NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO The baby died
    I know (evil grin).

    But now, unexpectatly on time, with one of the most unoriginal chapter titles of all time, Chapter 4!

    (A/N: If you like Justin Bieber, you might not like this chapter as much.)

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah.

    Chapter 4: Short Stories Part 2

    The K30-Subship, in space, above the Earth

    The Metagross stopped operating a LDC (Laser Death Cannon) and looked directly at the space where the audience would be sitting if it was a movie.

    It began to speak, saying in robotic tones “Hey. Hey you. In front of the monitor. Right, this is the second part of the series of short stories about a page long in Microsoft Word 2003 Edition. Hopefully this has Rayquaza-4th-wall attack shields-”

    At that instant it was interrupted, a huge blast of energy rocked the spaceship, knocking over all of the inhabitants, before the customary “STOP BREAKING THE 4TH WALL!” was shrieked through the intercom system.

    “Apparently this does have them. So anyway, for a great tale, just head back a few hours, near the Kennedy Space Centre. At least, what was left of it.”

    The remains of the Kennedy Space centre, a few hours earlier

    You could clearly see nothing absolutely intact in this area. The platforms and buildings were decimated. The wind was making an eerie sound, accompanied by the creak of a broken metal platform hanging on for dear life onto its platform. Nothing at all could launch from this desolate place.

    So how were the ten or so human sleek, so called ‘fast’ spacecraft going higher and higher above the ground? I personally don’t know. Probably some secret military space war launching pads. However, their motive was pretty clear, seeing the huge, red missiles strapped to the sides.

    Back in the Starship Tagoterram, Jirachi was amused about the armed spaceships heading for the Tagoterram. It had done nothing during the week and a half of conquering except for obliterating the pitiful excuse for a Space Station. Neverveless, it warmed up the LDCs and called back the K30-Subship for some thrashing to be dealt out.

    One spaceship was not noticed by Jirachi to go to the dark side of the moon instead of keeping on course to certain death.

    The LDCs fired plasma round after plasma round against the worthless attempt at spacecraft that was to humans several billion dollars down the drain. Eight had been destroyed in instants.

    However, the final suicide attacker – I mean spaceship was more nimble than the others, and was actually avoiding the blasts and even fired some rounds back, even though they only scratched the very expensive paint. It was actually very close to the K30-Subship before Metagross broke the fourth wall, thus the resulting Hyper Beam ploughed through the feeble steel walls of the final attacking spaceship like a knife through butter, before smashing into the offending spacecraft.

    The spaceship that went to the dark side of the moon, The Moon

    Shadow was all you can see. It was dark all of the time. Meteorites still struck and…well, not much else actually. This was the unknown, the unexplored, the uninhabited. At least until then it was.

    This spaceship was rather larger than the others, but looked like a diseased caterpillar and was armed for defence instead of attack. Inside was old, infested woodchip panelling, with some microphones strapped onto cardboard boxes.

    One of the men stood up, picking up the microphone.

    “I call the first budget UN meeting on the moon!” called out the President of the USA, which was followed by some clapping.

    “Firstly, we must decide how to deal with these dastardly clever invaders?”

    Whilst they were bickering, in another area of the facility, an airlock opened and closed on its own. Several guards quickly and suddenly died of asphyxiation. And they weren’t even in the same room as the airlock. Two more suddenly died of trying to comprehend the ultimate knowledge that was suddenly forced into their heads and not coping with it properly. Another two managed to see a blue and red shape come at them. They both shot several rounds at it, shooting off the head and part of the chest with a shower of blue blood. Remarkably, the being re-created the body parts, and beat the heck out of the duo.

    The cheap door leading to the discussion room opened and closed, killing all the guards with shock. All the UN members were facing away from the door that had opened and closed.

    “So as I was saying-“ said the currently irritated English Prime Minister, before he was cut off.

    “If I may interject-” a rather nervous call came from the back of the room.

    “NO!” shouted the already furious Prime Minister. He then actually then looked at the figure that interrupted him and tried to scream,”OH-“

    ASTA LA VISTA, SUCKERS!” screamed Deoxys with glee, before firing a huge pink orb of energy, destroying the entire facility –and a fraction of the moon- with a Psycho Shift.

    Deoxys cruelly smiled, before floating into the never-ending sea of mysteries.

    Antarctica

    A man was walking through the frozen wastes without any protective gear or warm clothing, wearing a cowboy style hat, shirt, boots and trousers, an awesome beard, and two pistol holders. The holders were explained because of the two pistols, one in each hand.

    A flock of penguins looked at him curiously, before attacking him under the influence of the red wave. It was 200 to one.

    The penguins never stood a chance.

    The man used the pistols with expert accuracy. Penguins and blood flew through the air, the former because of the knockback of the bullet. When any penguin got near, they were experienced to punches and kicks no mortal should have to endure. All of the survivors either ran away or dropped dead from unprotected sheer coolness.

    With a grim smile, the pistols were put away into their compartments and the man walked away.

    Behind a convenient wall of ice 50 yards away five Exploud were hiding, preparing to do their duty. They wished they didn’t have this job, but someone had to do this mission.

    All of the gang stepped out in front of the worthy adversary, and the largest one rumbled “So… you are the one they call Chuck Norris. We shall see how great you are!”

    The great person merely nodded, before both sides leapt in midair at each other with epic results.

    Punches, ultrasonic sound waves, body slams and kicks were delivered to the man, whilst roundhouse kicks and uppercuts were returned with a vengeance on the behalf of the rest of humanity. Both sides seemed to be equal, however Chuck Norris started to get the advantage, occasionally spilling Pokémon blood.

    After another Exploud was kicked 100 feet away from the attacker, the Pokémon fell back and decided on a plan. It was cruel, evil and inhumane, but it was the only choice.

    They returned in an arrow formation, and when the extraordinary person jumped up to deal a crushing blow, the leader roared “Activate your Soundproof ability!” before taking out a human MP3 system and gingerly pressing the button which said ‘Play’.

    “And I was like baby, baby, baby oh, like baby, baby, baby-“

    “NO!” screamed the unlucky man, enduring the pain of ten thousand sessions on the rack, and another twenty thousand more thumbscrews, before promptly committing suicide with four shots to the head.

    The music was turned off, and the Soundproof ability very carefully switched off.

    “Incidentally, how did we kill Justin Bieber?” asked one Exploud to another.

    The other replied “700 Pokémon. And only by crushing him with their weight, they were too busy screaming with agony to use an attack.”

    “Justin Bieber is the Kryptonite of all beings without Soundproof.”

    “So true.”


    Somewhere in the forests of Canada, Canada

    A dimensional portal opened up. What came through was one of the most deadly predators on Earth…from 10 million years in the future. It looked fairly odd, being a rounded brass boiler supported by 4 very tall, thin legs, one of them metallic. This looked odd but not particularly threatening, that is until you look underneath it and spot the advanced chain gun that could actually kill a Weedle in two shots.

    This thing stretched up to its full height, and looked for its first victim. Very quickly it spotted a Charizard standing among some burning ruins. The chain gun blazed with fire and death. The fiery dragon was caught full on, and looked around with some amount of panic to find the assaulter.

    However, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale in the time warp, the Charizard accidently trod on the machine. It realised the pain had stopped coming and continued to wreak havoc and destruction.

    A desert island, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean

    A lone man walked along the beach. Turquoise water rolled across the ocean. Green leaved rustled in the palm trees. Everything was cheerful…for now.

    Without any warning whatsoever, a Sharpedo burst out of the water, spray cascading everywhere, with the intention to kill. Not even looking the man caught the shark, holding its jaws between its teeth and pulling, before hearing a large crack. The Sharpedo screamed with pain and writhed desperately, but it was no use. The superhuman…err…human threw it up in the air, before kicking it in midair 100 yards off shore. The Sharpedo lived to tell the tale, sadly.

    The person continued walking along the golden beach, when a Tentacruel popped out of the ocean, taking long easy strides with the tentacles. Again, without looking, the person tied the appendages in a knot, and threw it into an incoming Mantine, sending both far, far away.

    If the man had thought reading capabilities, he might’ve noticed something think, Alright, this is the big chance for me and my species!

    A seemingly innocent piece of pink coral leapt out of the ocean, landing on the persons head and going “WHAT DA HECK BOOOOM! AHA HA HA HA HA HA! Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.”

    When the word ‘BOOOOM’ was screamed, the move Explosion was executed via the means of a TM, blowing the surrounding landscape – and the head – into smithereens.

    The Corsola looked tired but pleased, however this changed to anxiety when it said “Err…I can’t get back in the ocean. Help! Help! HELP!”

    A secret temple on a mountain, China

    Five ninjas stealthily crept among the ruins of some of the greatest mind’s temples, where the meaning of life, the universe, and everything was discussed. They clung onto walls, slunk into the shadow and one was even flying due to some hidden contraption. A mixture of men and women, these were the second-to-last piece of humanity left.

    Two shapes watched their progress across the sacred ground on the highest viewpoint available. One of them nodded to the other. Both creatures leapt up in the air, the sun casting a shadow dramatically across their features, and they attacked with two sword-like blades.

    The Scyther however, had underestimated the people. Epic somersaults were made, so they were both surrounded in a circle. Several quick slashes brought them to their knees.

    One of the tele-commed the Mothership with this message: We need backup. Now!

    The duo fought bravely whilst waiting for the reinforcements. This was no use, seeing the other side’s superiority. But seriously, how many concealed knives, throwing stars and swords can that costume hold?!?

    Just before the killing blow was dealt, a dust cloud was spotted in the nearby distance. The Scyther took this time to back flip out of danger.

    A red blur was rapidly approaching the site, going at about Mach 3. One of the Scyther grinned, before murmuring the words “Red Lightning.”

    The figure, now going at recklessly high speeds, slammed into the nearest human, dealing some immensely powerful blows, before the arm turned jet black and decapitated the poor man.

    The four survivalists just watched in horror, not doing anything to stop it.

    The Scizor turned around, selected the next victim, before the claw turned silver. It then proceeded to deal hell in a punching form to the woman, before knocking her into a coma.

    Two of the three had managed to get their act together, and leapt epically in the air, two swords per person. Red Lighting had just got started, and glowed with green energy. With this power, he knocked one out of the air before kicking him deep into the ground. He the U-turned into the other, knocking him off an inconveniently placed cliff face.

    The remaining human decided cleverly to grovel, and begged to the monster “Please! No! I’ve got a family!”

    The Pokémon seemed to consider this, before shooting a ball of energy into the family’s secret hiding place. It then laughed “Not anymore!”

    With a scream of rage, she tackled the Scizor onto the ground, before plunging another hidden sword into the back of the murderer.

    To her horror, it started to stand up, and withdrew the weapon protruding out of its back.

    It hissed in a threatening tone of voice “My turn…”

    The Scizor threw the fighter several hundred yards in the air, before spinning around with its arm outstretched. This caused a shining blue sword to materialise in its claw and it leaped up in the air.

    When it caught up with the mortal, no slashes or impact was made, instead the Chinese symbol for ‘fake’ appeared, before she re-directed to the ground.

    “’Finish it with False Swipe’” quoted one of the Scyther, before being hit head on by the predicable Dragon Pulse.

    Inches before she hit the ground, the person was caught by the Scizor and she smiled briefly before she saw the ball of orange energy forming in the claw of the Pokémon.

    The resulting Hyper Beam went on for several miles and ploughed through several mountains.

    Several moments later, the still-recovering Scyther breathed the word “Epic…”

    On board the Starship Tagoterram, A fortnight after first contact

    Arceus was viewing the human tracker, and was startled when the number dropped to one. A single glowing dot represented the last human on Earth.

    The Alpha Pokémon recovered, and smiled with an expression that said: ‘Let the games begin…’

    --------------
    The conclusion is drawing near... But for now, please, R, R, and R!

  21. #21
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    Right, you either hate me or you love deceiving me. You said the people were going to get some advantage this chapter. Well you lied.

    You killed Chuck Norris. that itself is an act against the laws of physics. Joking.

    My first concern. Is the Charizard ok? Did it die?

    Next, I've guessed that you have lied to us and the humans will lose. But don't answer that.

    I'm glad I now know that its not our world. That was rather confusing.

    I'm liking the comedy. Very funny.

    Also, I don't think soundproof would save you from JB. Another Joke... partly.

    Very nice layout of writing. It suits the story, for it is based on action an violence so much.

    I've noticed that the chapters are getting crazier and even extreme every time. Very nice.
    All in all and EPIC story.
    Charizard

    Enought Said

  22. #22
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    Right, you either hate me or you love deceiving me. You said the people were going to get some advantage this chapter. Well you lied.
    Well, the humans are starting to find ways to beat them. A shame because now there is only one left. Chuck Norris also killed a battalion of penguins with his powers of awesomeness.

    Is the Charizard ok? Did it die?
    It lived.

    I'm glad I now know that its not our world. That was rather confusing.
    I know, it seemed weird to me when I did it.

    You killed Chuck Norris. that itself is an act against the laws of physics. Joking.
    Justin Bieber music can kill anyone or drive people to suicide. If the Pokémon hadn't got that recording, there would be 5 Exploud corpses in the Antarctic.

    I've noticed that the chapters are getting crazier and even extreme every time.
    A trend that will continue with the next chapter.

    All in all, thank you so much for enjoying this story. Chapter 5 is in the works.

  23. #23
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    1. Baby is NOT as bad as never gonna give you up
    2. Ninjas are from Japan

    Loving it still!
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




    I claim Balla da li n00bs!
    I claim Kabutops!

  24. #24
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    2. Ninjas are from Japan
    Thanks for that.

    Anyways, I have been extremely busy with other stuff, so I am sorry for not replying. Because this is an extremely short chapter, the epilogue will be released only 3 days after this.

    (Authors Note: There is a character in this which is extremly similar to in The Adventure of Adventureness and its sequels by Missingo.Master. Just saying right now before I get accused of plagerism, I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS OR RIGHTS TO THAT STORY AND I DO NOT CLAIM IT AS MY OWN.)

    Humans will speak like this, "Blah", humans will think like this, Blah, Pokémon will speak like this, "Blah" and Pokémon will think like this, Blah.

    Chapter 5: The Final Showdown

    Ruins of Manchester, England

    In the sky, a shape was hovering several hundred yards above the ground. It was held in place by a number of propellers, and was an unpleasant shape of green. Even so, it was sleek, it was swift, and it looked just epic.

    This was the Dyza-tra’ka (the name of the Klingklang that invented it) Aerodynamic Control Hovering Oval-shaped Pokémon Patrol Aeromobile. This was a vehicle where most of the Legendary Pokémon could fit and when they wanted to travel in style.

    The sole survivor of the human race looked up, and saw the Legends leap into the sky, not falling to their doom due to their or another’s Psychic powers.

    The man looked up at the beings before smiling and shouting “So Arceus, you have come in person to kill me. How thoughtful.”

    The Alpha Pokémon smiled before booming “Before I was transformed into a Core Shadow Pokémon all those fateful years ago, I was merely a normal god. Now, I am the Ultimate Divine God, the Alpha and also the Omega! The beginning and the end. The end of you.”

    “Don’t you mean the Ultimate Divine Llama?” queried Mew, before getting throttled by one of Arceus’ thousand tentacle-like arms that could sprout out of its body at its will.

    “Anyway,” continued the annoyed, ugly, stupid creature “- wait a second, did the narration call me stupid?”

    Yes I did, you fat, big-headed monster.

    Celebi looked thoughtfully at the human before commenting “Your name is Roald Rowling, correct?

    “Yes, indeed.”

    “Your name links in with writing, so…wait a minute, you’re the narrator of this story?”

    Yes, well done.

    “YOU CALLED ME FAT!” shrieked the shameful creature with the IQ of negative OVER 9000, before releasing the tentacle around Mew’s neck, who gasped for breath, and sent it straight for – GACK,ACK, AAARGH, OK STOP NOW YOU HAVE MADE YOUR POINT! NOW LET ME GO!

    Phew, that was close, and by the way Arceus, you could’ve killed me there.

    The son of a Dunsparse started to have a mental breakdown.

    The suckiest suck that ever sucked stopped crying to sniff “Petty insults now? That is just – sniff – mean!”

    The awesome Roald Rowling started to smile like a brilliant person who has made the most powerful creature in the world cry. Which was true. Except the ‘powerful’ part should be swapped with ‘lamest’.

    The fail that is Arceus roared and blew off a powerful wave of blue energy, knocking the epic Roald Rowling over.

    “THAT IS IT!” roared the egotistic Arceus “I’LL CRUSH YOU! DIVINE SHADOW COSMIC JUDGEMENT TIME!"

    With that, the Llama of Rubbishness soared out of the Earth’s atmosphere, and turned into a dark meteor three miles wide, which plummeted towards the spot where the narrator was standing.

    This was an unwise move, because Roald pulled a lever next to a huge machine, firing a Hydrogen bomb. This would have the exact same energy of the Judgement, and then the cool guy would fire a nuclear bomb, killing the fat lump.

    Several miles into the air, just before the two things struck, a preset number of seconds held Arceus and the bomb in midair, trapped in time by Dialga. Then it pulled out a stereo system and played epic music.

    “DIE! NO MORE MISTER NICE RAYQUAZA!” shrieked Rayquaza, before firing a Focus Blast, which predictably missed. And instead headed straight for duo stuck in time.

    Right, so the Focus Blast would disrupt the equilibrium, and so…carry the one…FUDGE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

    “Nice going, Rayquaza” said the Dialga with lots of sarcasm on top, before getting hit head on by another blast.

    The only Unova Pokémon that is going to be in this fan fiction, Zekrom, came to a conclusion, and made a reference.

    GET TO D.A.C.H.O.P.P.A!”

    “I am just not going to bother for this one” grumbled Rayquaza, before boarding the ship and leaving the planet, as well as the Motherships and the Subship scattered around the Earth

    The Focus Blast was getting nearer to the worst llama and the best bomb in the universe. It was getting closer, and closer, and closer…

    It struck the duo-

    ------------------
    Cliffhanger time! Read, review, and rate!

  25. #25
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    Oh, in the name of Zarking Fardwarks, it's not froody when you rip off Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. In fact, it's a great kerflopsies, you Belgi*m
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




    I claim Balla da li n00bs!
    I claim Kabutops!

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