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Thread: Undella Beach (PG, Jetshipping, Oneshot)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    Strawberry Fields Forever.
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    Default Undella Beach (PG, Jetshipping, Oneshot)

    This was an old dare, but I finally got it done. So yeah, PG, Jetshipping, Oneshot, R&R, the works.

    Undella Beach


    Hilbert was running as fast as his legs could carry him. His muscles cramped worse than the time he accidentally got hit by a Galvantula’s Thunderbolt. That was painful. The reason he exerted himself so was simple. He had overslept badly, in fact, nearly two hours. Right on the day when he was scheduled to have a picnic on the beach at Undella Town with Cheren and Bianca. He had stayed in a villa the night before, but the fancy bed was just sooooo comfy and he passed out for a good twelve hours. Back when they were kids, being late wouldn’t have been a big deal. They saw each other all the time back then. But now it was different. Adults tended to be more stuck-up about these things. Especially Cheren. Cheren and Bianca were married, and living happily together in Nimbasa City. Hilbert was still living in Nuvema Town, albeit in his own house. Living alone had its perks, but he got lonely all the time.
    Marriage, he thought. Must be nice, waking up every morning and seeing the love of your life. He had never once had a girlfriend. It wasn’t that he was antisocial or “married to his job,” as some might say. It was just that no woman had ever struck his fancy. He definitely had fantasies of having a girlfriend, but his imagination never showed him the girl his mind-self was with. Hilbert stopped in his tracks. The fantasies had started again, but this time he could clearly see who the girl was. It was Skyla, the Mistralton City gym leader. In his mind they were passionately in love, dancing slowly, sharing a plate of spaghetti, walking on the beach…
    The beach! Hilbert snapped out of his fantasy and ran faster than ever, in a futile effort to be on time. When he finally reached the beach, he was exhausted beyond belief. He looked around for Cheren and Bianca, but they were nowhere to be found. Wondering why they were gone, he decided to just relax and enjoy himself. He was at the beach, after all. He sat down on the sand, and tried not to fall asleep, as it would look a little strange. There was a flock of Swanna flying and cawing over to his left, little kids were making sand castles, and teenagers were surfing. It was all so nice…
    “Swanna! Get back here this instant!” After hearing this yell, Hilbert woke up from the slumber he had fallen into, despite his effort to do just the opposite. He opened his eyes to see Skyla, chasing after her Swanna, who had apparently tried to join the flock he had heard earlier. She was wearing a gorgeous blue sundress, and her burgundy hair was tied up in a long ponytail. He got up and ran over to her, albeit not with the same vigor he ran to the beach with, brushing the sand off of himself as he went towards the girl he had fantasized about earlier.
    He reached the redhead pilot, thinking about his earlier fantasies, wondering why she was in them. He had never felt the same attraction to her that others did. Yes, she was pretty, but he didn’t drool over her like some of the trainers in the gym, who joined simply to see her.
    “Hey, I know you!” he remarked upon reaching the fantasy woman. He bit his tongue as self-inflicted punishment for saying something so dumb, and then wondered why he cared about saying the right thing to someone he wasn’t even attracted to. Or was he? He didn’t know. Love was so complicated. “You’re Skyla, right? The Mistralton City gym leader?”
    “That’s me,” Skyla said proudly. “You used to be Champion, right? Yeah, you’re Hilbert Black!”
    “Yeah, I did,” Hilbert said, looking down awkwardly.
    “That was one good battle you gave me for the Jet Badge,” the league official said with a smile. “You’ve definitely got yourself something good with that Samurott. Took down my Swanna like nobody’s business. Remind me, who beat you for champion?”

    “Oh, it was Avery, this kid with a Garbodor. Darn thing swept my whole team! Kid’s good!” Hilbert exclaimed, almost in awe.

    “Yeah. He’ll be champion for a long while. Hey, wanna go grab a bite to eat?” she suggested.

    “S-s-sure,” the former champion stuttered. His mind was racing. Had Skyla actually asked him out? Wait, I don’t even like her, the brown-haired battler thought. Actually, I think I do! This revelation was so stunning, Hilbert fell over backwards and hit a Dwebble that was taking a casual nap on the sand. It annoyed Dwebble so much, Hilbert ended up taking an X-Scissor to the face and a Rock Wrecker to the back.

    “You okay?” inquired Skyla. “That looked like it hurt.”

    “Yeah, I’m fine,” said Hilbert feebly. “Let’s go grab that food you were talking about.”

    “I know a great place near here!” exclaimed Skyla. “Let’s go!”
    They reached the restaurant Skyla had recommended. It looked fancy to Hilbert, but he almost exclusively dined on fast food. Skyla probably eats at places like this all the time, he thought. Maybe she’s trying to impress me, he thought. Hilbert sighed. Love was so complicated.
    I don't use "uber" Pokemon (because they're banned), I don't calculate stat values (the simulator does it for me), I don't use cheating devices (because I hardly ever play the actual game), I don't breed my way to perfection (because I use a simulator), and I do care about natures. I battle the most efficient way, so I can use my strategic skills to the fullest. I don't look down on others because of the way they play Pokemon, which non-competitive people seem to actually do more often. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature. (Started by DittoDude.)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    Hoenn
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    785

    Default

    Well, I'm here for the review game. I normally don't read shipping fics, but here we go...

    First the Opening category. I think that it was done well, if a bit abrupt. It really made me want to see what else you had done with the story.

    Characters: While Hilbert was well written, and I got a good idea of his personality, I couldn't really picture Skyla. Even in a one-shot, there's some room to give a better picture of her personality.

    Pace: Pretty good overall, although I kind of missed what happened to the picnic. It might have been helpful to add in a description of the picnic, even if it just says how boring it was.

    Ending: Really wonderful. I loved the repetition of "Love is so complicated" and the differences between the two characters. One point I have to suggest is to change one of the 'he thought's to 'he pondered' or something.

    -TA
    My fan-fic(Credit to Gelatino95 at Crazy Dragon Graphics for the userbar) Author's profile
    And here's an awesome RPG. It has dinosaurs!And a sprite comic, because I can't draw!

    Please click my dragon(s)!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    Strawberry Fields Forever.
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    Default

    Thanks for the review, TA. You have no idea how desperate I was for one. I agree, Skyla should've been more fleshed out, and about the picnic, I was planning to have him find out he was there on the wrong day.
    I don't use "uber" Pokemon (because they're banned), I don't calculate stat values (the simulator does it for me), I don't use cheating devices (because I hardly ever play the actual game), I don't breed my way to perfection (because I use a simulator), and I do care about natures. I battle the most efficient way, so I can use my strategic skills to the fullest. I don't look down on others because of the way they play Pokemon, which non-competitive people seem to actually do more often. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature. (Started by DittoDude.)

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