I like this line; it's fun and gives more characterization to the Pikachu. But what exactly is "worse" about it? Seems an awkward phrase there.
Originally Posted by Chibi Pika
This story is going to take a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE turn when we find out that Stalker is putting all these young kids on a boat and heading for Penn State University.
The people in this line were almost all my age or younger, which felt extremely odd. What were a bunch of kids like us even doing
boarding a cruise ship, as if we were old enough to do things like that. But then…trainers were able to travel the region with only their Pokémon by their side, so I guess it wasn’t that weird.
This line reads so vividly. I can hear it in my head. I know it's just one word, but the question mark really sells it to me.
“…Yes?” I said tentatively, wincing.
It seems odd to me that Jade is already calling this collection of people she's never even met a "team". I dunno why. Just kind of struck me, I suppose.
I blinked, unsure of how to respond. At this point we had reached the top of the staircase and were now taking our first step into the S.S. Anne. The kid who had been talking to me gave a light wave before walking off. I waved absentmindedly, still caught off guard by what he’d said. So that confirmed it—there definitely were others here. I mean, obviously the rest of the team
would have to be here, but this was the first time I’d encountered any of the others involved in this.
Nice realistic touch here with the safety announcement. I think it would have been extra vivid if you had added some non-Pokemon related safety details (like flotation devices or what to do in an emergency, etc). But still...nice touch.
“This ship is specially designed to accommodate and entertain Pokémon Trainers, and as such, has a comparatively lax policy regarding Pokémon on the ship. However, there are still rules that must be obeyed at all times. No more than two Pokémon per trainer may be out of their Poké Balls at any given time. Pokémon taller than 6’5” or weighing in excess of 600 lbs. should only be released on the upper deck in the Training Ground and Battlefield C. Please ensure that your Pokémon stay by your side at all times, except in the Training Ground where it is specifically permitted otherwise.”
Okay, that's funny. A lot of the things I mentioned, you do say the crew is covering in the background. So that works. I might still have wanted to "hear" it, but oh well.
I found myself bouncing slightly on the balls of my feet, anxious to be dismissed from the briefing. The crew was now going over how to use the personal flotation devices. I didn’t care
about that; I had to get out of here.
For some reason, the way the previous lines were reading, I really didn't think this would be the hybrid Pikachu. I thought it was just going to be somebody else's, and they'd walk up and say "What are you doing with my Pikachu?" Heh. I think the losing Pikachu bit was resolved too quickly here. I'd like to maybe have seen Jade struggling to find it a bit longer than it took. It'd be a good excuse to show some aspects of the SS Anne, too.
Finally—without looking at me—he said, “*I didn’t give you a reason for staying with you because I hadn’t decided why myself.*” His words were very slow and meticulous. “*It’s not as if I owe
you an explanation. So don’t treat me like some demented raging animal or something.*”
That last part is a nice touch. It adds to Chibi;s character.
“*So, you’re going to show me more of the world outside of Team Rocket.*” It was a statement, not a request.
See? I totally don't trust this Stalker guy! Admiral Ackbar says it's a trap!
It took several seconds for the implication of his words to sink in. “But…you were raised by…” My voice trailed off as I looked down at the man’s limp, unconscious form, and I couldn’t help wincing a little. “…Are you sure that he’s—”
You have no idea (unless you do) how hilarious the image of a mean Pikachu standing on someone's chest, grabbing their collar, and holding back a fist is. Not saying that is completely the posture you imagined Chibi in, but it's what I had. Thanks for that.
“*How many of you are here?! What’s your mission?!*” he demanded of the Rocket. The experiment was standing on the man’s chest, holding a brightly glowing tail right up to his neck. The man was shaking all over, eyes wide and pleading.
Awww....sad Chibi. What a depressing line.
His expression hardened. “*They were Rockets. I did what I had to. I’ve always
done what I had to.*”
-I don't think this chapter was bad at all. There was some nice development of the relationship between Chibi and Jade. We are still suspicious of Stalker (and really...that name doesn't help!). I just wish we'd seen more of the Anne and had a little more stress from Jade over the temporary loss of Chibi. But that's all right.
I'm sure we'll be seeing more of that kid Jade met when she got on board. A new teammate in the works?
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