I'm a Christian, but I have a lot of problems. I get bored at church, I lie frequently, and I've broken too many rules to count. It's somewhat weird - I don't feel guilty, but I feel guilty (and worried) for NOT feeling guilty. I want to live a good, right life, but dealing with temptations can be pretty tough for me.
I also think like a romance novel at times (rather embarrassing for a guy like me), and I hope that eventually, I can find a wife who has the following attributes:
1) is good-hearted
2) is fun-loving
3) is beautiful
4) is clever (I love smart-alecky folks)
5) shares my religious beliefs
6) doesn't disapprove of my interests (which may be tough, as I don't know many Christian girls who could take literature, video games, anime, and the Internet as seriously as I do)
7) loves the idea of having children
8) isn't taller than I am (I'm not exactly short, but I'm not that tall, either, and I find the idea of my wife being taller than me ridiculously humiliating).
I can also be pretty insecure at times, which has nothing to do with religion, but still irks me. This fact irritates me because of two things:
1) most people who know me believe to be a brave, daring person who isn't afraid to put himself out there,
2) once upon a time, they'd have been absolutely right.
As I've gotten older, I've gotten considerably more self-conscious. This has resulted in me fearing for my self image. I miss the me who once wouldn't give a darn for my reputation and would just do what I thought was okay.
I also suspect that most of my friends believe me to be an idiot. They're good people, but I just get that feeling that they do. I can't really blame them - my grades aren't even close to notable. Not to mention that people occasionally seem surprised when I make a discerning comment or decision. One particularly smart friend of mine who is my superior academically has wondered why I overshadow him in strategic Pokémon battling. The thing is, I'm NOT an idiot. My problem is that I'm incredibly lazy. I've been struggling with that, too, but it's hard.
I'm also rather perverted. Cute and/or beautiful girls my age are just too attractive to ignore, but being the gutless coward that I am, all I can do is take discreet glances at their faces and bodies from time to time (instead of taking a firm hand with myself and telling myself to knock it off). This even applies to girls in anime/manga. (Weirdly, I have some sort of standard on this: if said girl is romantically involved with another character in the book/show, I automatically bar her as off limits and just view her as one of the characters just like anyone else.) I also have the bad tendency to screw myself roughly once a day. This simply won't due in the future, when I plan to be married, and I REALLY need to cut it out.
My last problem: I have nobody who I can tell this to personally. My best friend, who I used to be able to tell everything to, has grown pretty distant recently. If I told this to ANYBODY else - even my parents! - I wouldn't be able to face them again. I'd simply be too humiliated.
That's why I have to say it here. I have to get it out somehow. Meanwhile, in real life, I'll have to continue with my masquerade of smiles and jokes.