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Thread: the unexpected encounter (pokemon/sonic crossover; one-shot)

  1. #1

    Default the unexpected encounter (pokemon/sonic crossover; one-shot)

    BTW both characters are in gijinka forme. But still have some anthro features. Yes this is a weird story.
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    It was a quiet Saturday night. The town was quiet for the most part. There were a few cars driving along the main road and there were a few people walking along the sidewalk, but there was hardly any commotion from the town. Shops along the street were beginning to shut down for the night and the streetlights were beginning to turn on gradually along the sidewalk.

    Walking on the sidewalk was a young man. He stood about six foot seven; had short dark blue hair with two small parts of it spiked upward on both sides on his head. He also came wearing a light blue sweatshirt with a red triangle in the middle and cream-colored pants. He appeared to be carrying a little girl with long, light red hair on his back. That girl was sleeping for the night as she was being carried on this guy’s back.

    Along the sidewalk was a green fence riddled with “keep out of the plantation” signs. While walking, the kid often glanced over at the fence, wondering what could be growing on the plantation. All he knew was that no once was supposed to go over that fence. In his head, anyone with common sense would know not to go over the fence anyway. As he walked with the girl as his back, he heard a voice not too far in front of him.

    “Sonic?!” a voice said from in front of him. The voice is what seemed to be a girl’s voice.

    Curious, the kid moved about five steps closer, quickly glancing at his surroundings. When he looked forward, he saw a young girl, who was trying to get over the locked fence door. She was almost halfway there from what it seems. She had one leg over one side of the fence and was trying to get her other one over. The girl had long pink hair that looked like it could stop at her waist. She also had a red headband-like ribbon in her hair, which draped on both sides of her head and ears that looked like a cats’ ear, but smaller.

    The girl just sat on the fence, staring into this guy’s blood red eyes as he just stared in to her emerald green eyes. She had an expression on her face, as if she was an angry bear looking for blood. While looking at her, the guy also lowered an eyebrow. He was trying to read her and figure how what she was doing and if she was going to try to attack him.

    “Hpmh! You’re not Sonic!” the girl said in a cold tone.

    The guy rolled his eyes at this girl’s statement. She must have mistaken him for someone else she was looking for; however, he found that to be very stupid of her to do.

    “What are you looking at anyway? What do you want? Kidnapper. Stalker. Sexual Harasser,” the girl asked coldly.

    “Do I look like I want anything from you, little girl?” the guy asked in a stern tone, for which he had a thick Middle Eastern accent. While saying this, he was giving the girl the ‘I’m not fazed’ look on his face.

    The girl then sits up straight on the fence and tries to read this guy, wondering who he is. In her mind, she was pretty interested in him.

    “You’re pretty tough… for an old man,” she said to him as she was still sporting her angry bear look.

    “Well, eighteen might seem old to you since you DO seem like a little girl. Anyway, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Can’t you read?” he asked.

    The young girl lowered one eye at the guy, assuming that he was a dumb guy. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m breaking into the plantation.”

    This girl is committing a crime and making it known. How stupid of her, the guy thought at he just rolled his eyes. So, without saying a word, he started to walk away from this crazy girl until he felt someone grabbing his shoulder.

    “… and you’re going to help!” the girl yelled.

    The guy turned around to face the girl, still with her angry bear look, and gave her the ‘you must be kidding’ look.

    “First of all, unless you have an important role, I don’t like to take orders from random people. Especially someone that appears to be ten years old and thinks she’s ‘all that’. Second of all, you can commit the crime yourself. I’m not about to go to jail, seeming that I am parenting my little sister here. So no thanks,” he said.

    “Hmph. Well, what if I gave you something in return?” the girl reluctantly asked.

    “Like what? This better be good.”

    “Well, what if I paid you to help me?”

    “How much are we talking?”

    The girl reached into the pocket of her small red haltered dress, and pulls out a wad of cash. “I’ll give you 200 dollars if you help me. You know, helping a lady out, makes you look like a man,” she said as she gave the guy a smirk.

    “I’m already a man. Anyway, that can help me buy stuff for the house. So I guess I will help you in whatever stupid thing you decide to do,” the guy sighed. He really didn’t want to help the stuck-up girl; however he couldn’t pass up money that can help him in his little sister.

    The young girl then went over the other side of the fence and lifted up the huge lock to the gate, which allowed the gate to open freely. She motioned for the young man to follow her as he sat his sister down up against the fence. She mumbled a little before falling back to sleep. He walked slowly behind the pink haired girl. He did notice however that she had a pink tail sticking out from behind her, underneath her dress. That in her cat like ears, he was starting to wonder if she to, was a Pokemon.

    She stopped in the middle of the field and looked at the young man. “Now, see that sand mower over there?” she asked as she pointed to the sand mower just from the left of her, just lying there on its side. “You’re going to take it and you’re going to make lines where I tell you to. Got it?” she demanded.

    “I don’t think so,” the older guy said as he gave her the ‘you’re nuts’ look.

    “Look pal, if you don’t do this for me, I’m not paying you!” she yelled.

    The guy gave her a quick glare, and then went on to get the sand mower as she demanded he get. In his mind, he couldn’t believe that he was not only taking orders from a stranger, but a young girl to boot. He picked up the mower and looked at the girl, waiting to get his next set of instructions. So he made lines with the sand, wherever the girl told him to put them. She would yell at him if one of the lines seemed crooked and would also make him so in circles. This went on for a good twenty five minutes. The blue haired kid was mentally exhausted as he kept taking orders from this seemly stuck up young girl.

    Finally, he was done putting the lines on the dirt as he finally got to sit down on the field. The girl was standing at least fifty feet behind him, just staring at him hard from behind. She looked at his work from a far, at every line laid out on the dirt. In her mind, she figured that his work was worthy enough for her to pay him his 200 dollars she promised him. She reached into her dress pocket and balled up a wad of cash and threw and at him, only for him to notice it and put it in his pocket.

    “Well you did well, here’s your 200 bucks,” she said to him.

    “Payment for all the trouble I went through,” he said in a stern voice.

    “Anyway, you seem like a cool guy. What’s your name?”

    “My name is Latios.”

    “What a cool name! Even though you didn’t really show respect, I’ll give you my name anyway. I am Amy Rose, from another world.”

    Latios turned around and looked at Amy as if she was being weird right about now. “Another world?” he asked.

    “Yes. I’m from a world called Mobius. It’s quite different than your Pokemon world. To be quite honest, I don’t know how I got here. All I remember was that Sonic and I were fighting Dr Eggman and now I’m here. I’ve been here for three days straight, waiting for Sonic to rescue me. But did he show up?! NOO! Hmph. I wanted to write a message to him, but didn’t know how to do it. So I found this place and now you are here,” she explained.

    “I’m guessing this Sonic guy had blue hair ey?” he asked.

    “Everyone knows that, it’s nothing new,” Amy scoffed as she put her hands on her hips. “So I thought you were Sonic, big woop. Show off. Know it all.”

    Latios gave a light chuckle at the girl’s statement, something he hardly does. He was starting to like this girl a little bit. “Hey, you’re not bad yourself.”

    “You’re such an idiot!” Amy yelled out as she blushed lightly at Latios’ complement. She glanced over at him, at his tan colored skin and how it reflected in the light. He was tall, tan and handsome and with an attitude similar to Sonic’s, but more serious. Latios glanced over at her and gave her a big smile that made both of them blush lightly.

    “Well, I will be going. See you!” Amy said as she began to run out of the plantation. However, before she left, she turned back around and looked Latios in his eye. She had a happy stuck up look on her face, as if she was just totally awesome.

    “Thank you for helping me… Latios. I hope we get to meet again. Actually, we WILL meet again! I’m sure of it. Next time you do, you’re going to learn to respect me!” she said as she finally left the premises as fast as her matching go-go boots can take her. She said that with a determined smile on her face. Like an bear, happy that they just beat up another bear.

    “Anytime,” Latios said to himself as he proceeded to grab his sister and walk the rest of the way home.

    Amy Rose is a stuck up girl, but there was something about her that seemed appealing to Latios. Either way, he wanted to see her again and hopefully will.

    the end
    Last edited by はるひ; 19th October 2011 at 9:20 PM.
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    Aw, that was cute. Cool idea too, but I am curious, what did Latios end up writing in the dirt?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fire Aruseus View Post
    Aw, that was cute. Cool idea too, but I am curious, what did Latios end up writing in the dirt?
    I left that up for thought lol.
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    Well, this was strange. It's not really a shipping fic, and very weird for a crossover. All it really is is humanified Pokemon and Sonic characters randomly interacting by one telling the other to mow a lawn. The appeal of crossovers is seeing characters who come from very different worlds leading very different lives interacting and surprising one another. In the end, you could have replaced Latios with any random boy and Amy with any little girl who needs a stronger person to do a favour and help her find her friends.

    Anyhow, this story was cute, and parts of it were written nicely. The way Latios and Amy interact is amusing, although she seems more mean than usual. I also liked the way you describe Latios working and Amy criticizing him, but Latios puts up with it for his little sister. I liked the way you did those parts, although the actual part with Latios working is really short compared to the rest of it. But hey, it still works well, and it would have been boring if you had made it too long, so I think you did a good job there.


    There are a few small problems with this. For instance:
    1) Latias is silent, doesn't move, and is apparently on Latios's back the whole time! I know she's asleep, but even sleeping people move around or yawn or maybe even sleep-talk a little. The problem is that because she is silent for the entire story, you could take her out completely and the story wouldn't even change. When a story is the same with or without a character, you have a problem - Latias isn't a ghost, right? Also, you never say that Latios put her down while her works, so it sounds like Latias is still on his back the entire time. You should definitely mention that he puts her down at some point, and maybe she yawns and rubs her eyes and asks Latios why they're not going home before she falls back asleep.

    2) Why does Amy have to vandalize a field that belongs to somebody? Why couldn't she just find a clearing outside the village? She could have "borrowed" the farm owner's tool without telling him, which would still make Latios annoyed. But Latios seems like a very conscientious, moral person, so it's hard to imagine him agreeing to doing this.

    3) If Amy has been here for three days, what on earth has she been doing for so long? Isn't she afraid, or hasn't she found food and shelter? This would be an interesting part of your crossover, exploring how a character would be lost and confused in a new world. It's kind of boring when you don't talk about it.

    4) Amy is from a different world. In her world, usually rings are the type of money, and in Pokemon, their money is some kind of Yen or Pokedollar. Since they use different money, she can't really bribe him with money, because her money comes from another world so he won't be able to use it in the Pokemon world, or even know what it is.

    5) Amy makes Latios make long, perfectly even lines in the sand. This doesn't really make sense, because all fields are made up of perfectly even lines. Sonic would never realize this is a sign from Amy because to him, it would just look like any ordinary field. Writing "SOS" might help more.

    6) I really, really have trouble seeing Amy and Latios as a couple. For one, Amy always has and always will love only Sonic, so why would that change all of a sudden? For another, Amy was totally rude and mean to Latios, so why would he like someone who was rude and mean to him the whole time? The way they start acting at the end seems totally random, and doesn't really make sense the way it happens. If Amy is lonely and she sees Latios as being kind and helping her when nobody else will, that would help. As for a reason Latios might like Amy...I really can't give any ideas, because I'm clueless. Like I said, she's totally mean to him, so I don't see how he could like her.


    And there were just a few small grammar problems, very few.
    He stood about six foot seven; had short dark blue with two small parts of it spiked upward on both sides on his head.
    This is just a small problem of bad editing, which you probably could have fixed by rereading it a few times before posting. The problem is that he has dark blue...what? You forgot the word "hair" here.


    “Sonic?!” a voice said from in front of him. The voice is what seems to be a girl’s voice.
    This is a recurring problem in this story. The first sentence here is past tense because of "said," but the second sentence is present tense because of "seems" instead of "seemed." You keep switching tenses in this story, going from past tense to present tense randomly. Again, the more you proofread your story, the more you will catch these mistakes and edit them before your readers do.


    “What are you looking anyway? What do you want? Kidnapper. Stalker. Sexual Harasser,” the girl asked coldly.
    Another case of a missing word. I think you meant "What are you looking at anyway?" This really shows how important it is to proofread before posting.


    “First of all, I don’t like to take orders from random people. Unless you have an important role, I defiantly don’t take orders from females; especially one that appears to be ten years old and thinks she’s ‘all that’. Second of all, you can commit the crime yourself. I’m not about to go to jail, seeming that I am parenting my little sister here. So no thanks,” he said.
    This isn't a mistake with your writing - in fact, these are perfectly good reasons, and it makes sense! Especially the point about his little sister. Unfortunately, we once again have a little problem of Latios being a little sexist.

    As I said, most of his reasons make sense. Not taking orders from strangers is a good reason! However, the way he says he doesn't take orders from females sounds a little bit rude. The problem is this: it makes sense to not take orders from random people, especially people who aren't important or who are little kids. This makes sense. But the way he says he doesn't listen to females sounds wrong and mean. This is because it implies that Latios will happily take orders from just about any male, just because they're male. But the second they're female, it's like Latios won't respect them. That's the problem - it sounds like Latios just doesn't like females and doesn't want to respect them, and that makes him a little bit sexist.

    The way to fix this problem is this: instead of saying
    "Unless you have an important role, I defiantly don’t take orders from females"
    You can say
    "Unless you have an important role, I defiantly don’t take orders from anyone"
    By saying "anyone," Latios will sound smart and reasonable, instead of sounding like he only listens to men but dislikes and doesn't respect women. I know it's not what you meant, but that's what it sounded like, so you should definitely fix it asap. Please let me know if this makes sense.



    Anyhow, to answer your VM, this doesn't really need to go in Shipping, and this is the correct place for a crossover since it involves Pokemon. This is a cute story, but it has some problems. Most of them, like Latias being quiet as a mouse or switching tense, you can change easily by rereading it and making small changes. For the most part, you still did a nice job, and the way Amy and Latios interact is definitely neat, and you wrote it nicely.

    Please think about what I said. I hope it helped. Good luck!

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    Lol...This story reminds me of an episode of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya", where Kyon is carrying an unconcious Mikuru on his back while traveling to the past. He meets a younger Haruhi and helps her break into the school yard where she orders him to paint murals on the ground.

    I would have to agree with Psychic, it's an interesting story with a few minor details that need addressing. Maybe mention Latias here and there just so that we know she didn't just disappear on us.
    Last edited by AbsolXWolf; 19th October 2011 at 8:03 AM.
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  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by AbsolXWolf View Post
    Lol...This story reminds me of an episode of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya", where Kyon is carrying an unconcious Mikuru on his back while traveling to the past. He meets a younger Haruhi and helps her break into the school yard where she orders him to paint murals on the ground.

    I would have to agree with Psychic, it's an interesting story with a few minor details that need addressing. Maybe mention Latias here and there just so that we know she didn't just disappear on us.
    First off I want to say: ding ding ding! You got it. This story was inspired from that particular scene lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    [INDENT]1) Latias is silent, doesn't move, and is apparently on Latios's back the whole time! I know she's asleep, but even sleeping people move around or yawn or maybe even sleep-talk a little. The problem is that because she is silent for the entire story, you could take her out completely and the story wouldn't even change. When a story is the same with or without a character, you have a problem - Latias isn't a ghost, right? Also, you never say that Latios put her down while her works, so it sounds like Latias is still on his back the entire time. You should definitely mention that he puts her down at some point, and maybe she yawns and rubs her eyes and asks Latios why they're not going home before she falls back asleep.
    I did say that he put her down on the edge of the fence area however I wasn't clear enough in that statement so it makes someone think that he's putting her on the fence

    But yeah I agree on this.

    2) Why does Amy have to vandalize a field that belongs to somebody? Why couldn't she just find a clearing outside the village? She could have "borrowed" the farm owner's tool without telling him, which would still make Latios annoyed. But Latios seems like a very conscientious, moral person, so it's hard to imagine him agreeing to doing this.
    I did that because like someone pointed it, this story was inspired from the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and ironically, this happened in the anime (where Haruhi broke into her school to draw the hieroglyphs on the floor).

    Bascially, I'm having Amy do the same thing Haruhi did but a little different. It's inspired.


    4) Amy is from a different world. In her world, usually rings are the type of money, and in Pokemon, their money is some kind of Yen or Pokedollar. Since they use different money, she can't really bribe him with money, because her money comes from another world so he won't be able to use it in the Pokemon world, or even know what it is.
    They did have money in the Sonic series (real money) when I played the games. It pretty much depends what universe I'm writing from. The modern universe, they pretty much use the same money humans use.




    This isn't a mistake with your writing - in fact, these are perfectly good reasons, and it makes sense! Especially the point about his little sister. Unfortunately, we once again have a little problem of Latios being a little sexist.

    As I said, most of his reasons make sense. Not taking orders from strangers is a good reason! However, the way he says he doesn't take orders from females sounds a little bit rude. The problem is this: it makes sense to not take orders from random people, especially people who aren't important or who are little kids. This makes sense. But the way he says he doesn't listen to females sounds wrong and mean. This is because it implies that Latios will happily take orders from just about any male, just because they're male. But the second they're female, it's like Latios won't respect them. That's the problem - it sounds like Latios just doesn't like females and doesn't want to respect them, and that makes him a little bit sexist.

    The way to fix this problem is this: instead of saying
    "Unless you have an important role, I defiantly don’t take orders from females"
    You can say
    "Unless you have an important role, I defiantly don’t take orders from anyone"
    By saying "anyone," Latios will sound smart and reasonable, instead of sounding like he only listens to men but dislikes and doesn't respect women. I know it's not what you meant, but that's what it sounded like, so you should definitely fix it asap. Please let me know if this makes sense.
    I do agree that I do not want him to come off as rude. However if I can say one thing on Latios here, is that this character is ment to come off as being a "men are better!" kinda guy (like the Rowdyruff Boys from the Powerpuff Girls show, but smarter) But we won't be that way for long.

    However since I DID say he couldnt take orders from random people, it would be logical to fix it so I will. :]
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    First off I want to say: ding ding ding! You got it. This story was inspired from that particular scene lol

    Yay! DO I GET A COOKIE?

    On a more serious note, I do remember during the episode that it would sometime pan over the sleeping Mikuru just to show you she was still there. So maybe make mention of her here and there like they did in the episode?
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    However that was a visual. In my writing there really is none except that when you read you can imagine this scene: http://youtu.be/0VUKxmw3JkA?t=10m35s (just imagine Haruhi being taller and with pink hair with a red ribbon lol)

    When I'm writing i don't seem to get that effect. :[
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    This story was inspired from that particular scene lol
    In that case, you should probably say this at the top of your post with your other comment about them being gijinkas. There's nothing wrong with being inspired by a scene, but since your story is so similar to it, it would be a good idea to say that this is where your idea for the story comes from.


    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I did say that he put her down on the edge of the fence area however I wasn't clear enough in that statement so it makes someone think that he's putting her on the fence

    But yeah I agree on this.
    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    However that was a visual. In my writing there really is none except that when you read you can imagine this scene: http://youtu.be/0VUKxmw3JkA?t=10m35s (just imagine Haruhi being taller and with pink hair with a red ribbon lol)

    When I'm writing i don't seem to get that effect. :[
    You can definitely get that effect! You also shouldn't have to link us to something in order for us to be able to imagine it - if you describe it well, then you won't have to. In your case, I actually think you did a very nice job describing the story, so the video isn't necessary.

    Anyhow, to get the effect of seeing Latias lying there sleeping, all you have to do is describe her. All you have to do is add a line describing her at one point, like "As her brother toiled away, Latias snored loudly, her arms wrapped around her body" for example. Or, like I mentioned before, she can wake up briefly and ask when they're going home. Latios would give her an answer, then she might go back to sleep, or watch him work.


    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I did that because like someone pointed it, this story was inspired from the anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and ironically, this happened in the anime (where Haruhi broke into her school to draw the hieroglyphs on the floor).

    Bascially, I'm having Amy do the same thing Haruhi did but a little different. It's inspired.
    Just because it's inspired doesn't mean it has to be exactly the same. You already made your version different in many ways, so I think you would be able to make this change, too. :>

    A lot of it could still say the same - Latios sees Amy on a fence, she wants him to do something, and he does it for her. But instead of doing it there, she steals a sand mower and makes him drag it to a field just outside town and do the work there instead. This change wouldn't be a big one, but like I said, it would just make more sense. Latios seems like too nice a person to ruin someone's property just for money. It would make sense for him to do hard work in exchange for money, but not to vandalize somebody's field just for money. Latios even says he doesn't want to go to jail, so why would money change that?


    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    They did have money in the Sonic series (real money) when I played the games. It pretty much depends what universe I'm writing from. The modern universe, they pretty much use the same money humans use.
    But I mean that even if they use human money, Amy comes from another universe. It would be a weird coincidence if two very different universes used the same money. In the real world, even different countries have different money. For example, you probably live in the United States, so you use the American Dollar. I live in Canada, which is very close to the US and very similar, but we don't use the same money - we use the Canadian Dollar instead. Our money doesn't even look like US money (my money looks like this).

    My point is that if different countries (in the same universe) use different money, I have trouble believing that different universes would have the same money. This isn't something you have to change for this story, but you should at least keep this in mind for future crossover stories.


    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I do agree that I do not want him to come off as rude. However if I can say one thing on Latios here, is that this character is ment to come off as being a "men are better!" kinda guy (like the Rowdyruff Boys from the Powerpuff Girls show, but smarter) But we won't be that way for long.

    However since I DID say he couldnt take orders from random people, it would be logical to fix it so I will. :]
    Yay, I'm really glad you fixed it! ^^ I think it's perfect this way. :>

    If you're going to make a character who thinks men are better, you should definitely do research first. It's okay to have a character who is sexist or racist, but only if you portray them in a way that won't be offensive. If you don't know a lot about sexism and try to write a sexist character, then that character may come off the wrong way. This can offend people and get you in trouble.

    It's an interesting topic, but I think you should avoid it until you know more about it. If you show us that you have done research about sexism and can handle it in a way that is sensitive to the issue, then that's another story. But do research first. :>



    Anyhow, I'm glad you made some of the changes I suggested - you're off to a great start! Although, with this part -

    She would yell at him if one of the lines seemed crooked and would also make him so in circles.
    I think you meant "make him go in circles." So I'm not sure about this - Latios now makes both lines and circles instead of just lines? That definitely makes more sense than only having long, even lines. But I'm still not sure how she would expect Sonic to see that and realize that it means "this is Amy, I need Sonic's help!" "SOS" is known as a call for help, writing "SOS" might be the easiest, unless there are other symbols Sonic would recognize as saying "Amy needs Sonic's help."


    Also, it looks like you fixed most of the parts with the wrong tense, so it looks good! Although I do realize that I made a mistake when I corrected you before - oops! Instead of "The voice is what seemed to be a girl’s voice" you can just say "The voice seemed to be a girl’s voice." The "is" is actually what makes it present tense, but you can just take out "is what" and it makes the sentence shorter, and still make sense.

    Anyhow, thank you for taking my criticism and making the changes to your story! I think you still have a couple things to think about, but I'm really glad you made a lot of the edits I talked about. As a reviewer, this makes me glad. Keep it up!

    ~Psychic

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