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Thread: Sanctuary - Darkness Revolution

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    Default Sanctuary - Darkness Revolution

    Sanctuary - Darkness Revolution
    Rated Pᶢ⅓
    Fantasy Violence, Death, Uses of Alcohol and Mild Language

    Hey there! I'm MudkipFan and this is my first FanFic, I'd appreciate some crit so I can build on this and improve, I've never really tried to write something like this, so I hope you can see the bad and good in it!

    Character Profiles
        Spoiler:- Heroes:


    Chapter List
    Chapter-Name-Release Date
    Chapter 0-Prologue-October 21 2011
    Chapter I-Departure-October 21 2011
    Chapter II-New Friends-October 22 2011
    Chapter III-Helon Woods-October 24 2011
    Chapter IV-Icarus-October 24 2011
    Chapter V-
    Chapter VI-
    Chapter VII-
    Chapter VIII-
    Chapter IX-
    Chapter X-

    Prologue

    The cracked grounds of Isan desert proved its harsh wind and barren landscape, the only area in Aley that was too hot for the norm traveller, making it a ruthless and harsh place full of bandits and scumbags. It was around midday at this point, a Rapidash appeared as the desert clouds cleared. It was clad in thick cobalt armour that shone in the scorching sun, reflecting the light in to the eyes of the two men who saw it ride in.

    These two men had worn leather jackets on with dull shirts on beneath. Their leggings matched with their jackets with felt-like boots reaching up to their shins. The man in front has long blond hair and a handlebar moustache; he was slightly shorter than the man beside him whom was clean-shaven with short brown hair. The taller man put his hand on the others shoulder who reacted in a shrug, stepping forward to look at who was equestrian on the Pokémon that neared them.

    The Pokémon came to a halt a meter or so from the two men, who looked slightly suspicious. It was a hooded figure who was mounted on the Rapidash; he slipped off the beast and dusted off his cloak. A glinting pristine chest plate- made to look like gold, but most likely crafted from iron and coloured gold as it would be too fragile for something made to save lives.

    The Man had an average body figure, about 6'0. The cloak reached down to his ankles, around his knee height there was a golden S etched on, and beneath his robe he wore black trousers and his chest plate, black leather gloves nestled on his hands.
    The pale skin of his Jaw was all that was visible of his flesh. His mouth opened and he paused before asking the men where the closest town was. "We don't like strangers around here" the shorter man blurted in a hillbilly accent, giving the newcomer a glimpse of his beige teeth.

    A small smile grew on the mystery man's bleached face before he repeated, in a slightly more intimidating tone "Where is the nearest town." The shorter man walked up to the newcomer, giving him a powerful shove. "Stay out of this place if ya know what's good for yo'self!" The newcomer was pushed back a few feet from the push before looking at the desert wanderer.

    The hooded figure clenched his fist before hitting the man square in the face, knocking his nose out of shape and knocking him out. The man fell, now unconscious; his counterpart's eyes widened as he stepped back, fearing his fate. The hooded figure rubbed the blood off his gloves with a handkerchief that he let glide to the ground. "Answer my question and no harm will come to you." The man nodded, gulping and nervously directing him North East. "There is an Oasis where a small town they call Dunip lays, th-ther'sa Pokémon centre there too."

    The pale-faced man nodded, thanking the man in a mutter before pulling himself up on to his Rapidash, patting its back and racing in the direction the man had sent him in, a cloud of dust following him close behind that blew in the man's face, making him cough. He bent down to help his friend who had woken up and held on to his face.
    "Have you got a tissue?" the man said grasping his misshapen nose. His friend nodded, picking up the hanky that the horseman had dropped, looking at the text on it. "Welcome to the new dawn. Sanctuary." The man pondered this for a moment, before handing his comrade the handkerchief.
    Last edited by MudkipFan; 24th October 2011 at 4:46 PM.
    MudkipFan

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    Writer's Journal
    October 2011
    21st-Thread created, story began with prologue. Chapter 1 posted.
    22nd-Chapter 2 posted.
    24th-Chapter 3 Posted
    Last edited by MudkipFan; 24th October 2011 at 1:12 PM.
    MudkipFan

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    Chapter I-Departure
    Robert Langley awoke, nestled like a cub in to his thick white duvet. He had short spiky brown hair and blue eyes; he stood at 5'8, had a thin frame and was a month away from his 16th birthday. What time it was did not concern him, what did, however was who just throw a rock at his window and smashed it. He sighed, heaving himself up hearing a loud "Oops" outside. He brought himself to the window and looked out of the cracked glass to see his best friend, Nicholas Indie who was referred to by his surname. Indie had a guilty grin on his face, placing his arm behind his neck and awkwardly laughing. Indie was African American, he had shaved black hair and a small beard going, he was a few days younger than Robert but pretty much the same height, with a little wider shoulders.


    Robert sighed, slipping his sneakers on and walking downstairs, careful to not wake up his Brother or his father. He opened the door and walked outside, exhaling in the icy winter air, his breath was like smoke in the cold, he shivered and approached Indie. "What do you want, Indie…" he said, grumpily, he thought quite pleasant considering he had just been woken by a flying rock.


    "Uhh... yeah, I'm sorry about the window, nobody will notice…" Rob looked back to his window, the fact Indie said nobody would notice made the hole in the glass feel bigger, he looked back to his friend with a frown, not wanting to hear his apologies, more wanting him to go home and to retire to his room and sleep. "My cousin in Emen town said there is a new lab opening up, and they are giving away some young Pokémon!"


    Rob scowled. "Ohh yeah! Let's go and get some Pokémon!" he said sarcastically "And we can go to Emen City! Yeah, the Emen town on the OTHER SIDE OF ALEY!" Indie started hopping on the spot out of excitement, a grin on his face; he stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out 3 tickets. Rob looked at them and read… "Blackwell Town>Emen City Teen Ticket" Rob paused for a second and then grinned. Indie nodded. "I know right!?"


    "Why three tickets?" Rob asked, taking one with a nod of approval from his friend. "Well uh, I've had these tickets for a while now, and my Mom spoke to yours and we have permition, but you kinda have to…" Robert looked shocked, he looked directly at Indie. "Please don't say I have to bring my Brother." "You don't have to bring your brother" Indie replied, assuringly. "Oh thank god" Rob said, wiping his forehead. "Can I tell you now?" Indie said, grinning. Rob frowned, taking the second ticket. "God, if Axel ruins this for me, I'm going to be mad."


    The Next Morning Rob began to pack, he put in most of his clothes, leaving out the things he never wore, he threw in everything he thought he would need, he had even been down to the PokeMart first thing to buy his breakfast and some pokeballs. He wanted to be prepared; he knew Indie wouldn't be, so he bought a couple for him too. He stuffed some Pokedollars in to his wallet and put them in his backpack, it was quite small to pack everything in but he was going to have to carry It around the region if he wanted to be a trainer.


    He had an hour or two until he would be driven to Blackwell town which would only take ten minutes and then he would say goodbye his Father and hopefully his mother, if she could maybe take an hour or two off work at the Gym. He walked out of his room and pulled the ladder down from the Attic to his Brother's room.
    "Thanks for knocking" Alec Langley spat, lying upright on his bed against the wall. He had just had his 17th birthday and had a body frame much alike his Brother, yet a little taller. He had jet black hair, cut to be short, his eyes dark. Robert and Indie, although friendly and comfortable around Alec, both saw him as a bit of a pain. His sarcasm, grumpiness and his poor social skills rubbed off on Robert a little, but Rob remained a lively character most of the time. Alec was commonly called Axel by friends.


    Axel always had rock posters on his walls, they seemed to change over time, but there would always be the same spots plastered over by a picture of some band he listened to. However, no posters were up, in fact most of his stuff was gone. "Um…" Rob looked around. "Yeah, since I'm moving out I don't really need all my stuff here, Mom and Dad are using the attic for storage now." Rob nodded "So you've already packed?" he said, peering at a rucksack at the foot of his brother's bed. "Yup" Axel muttered, staring at the wall, he looked a little empty.


    "Hey, I know the feeling; you're not the only one moving out on short notice." "Nah, I'm fine, I'd take this chance any day." Axel continued to stare Blankley in to nothingness. Robert nodded "I'm gonna go and say goodbye to the neighbours" he continued before leaving the room and walking outside. He breathed in. He probably wouldn't see the town in quite a while. He had gone to Sunyshore in Sinnoh once for a holiday, but forgetting that that he had never left the area. He felt happy he was moving on, but he still felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach, that worry that he wouldn’t see it in a long time.


    The time passed quickly, Indie's mini-van was parked outside of his house, Axel and Robert collected their bags and joined their parents, Indie's parents and sisters and Indie who was at the wheel. A conversation between Indie's and Robert's father sank in to a debate over politics that lasted the length of the journey, Rob didn't utter a word until they stopped at the Airport. He bid farewell to his parents, his mother began to cry, but he tried not to stay for too long, avoiding the emotion. He headed for the plane, Indie and Axel beside him.


    Handing his their tickets in, the trio boarded the plane, taking the bags with them after being searched. They seemed to be the last to get on, taking their seats at the very back, Rob and Axel sat beside each other whilst Indie had to take his chair alongside an old man who was asleep. The plane departed not five minutes from after they had took their seats; it jetted off in to an hour journey and landed in Emen airport at around 6PM.


    They were all tired from their day, despite hardly walking at all. They shuffled towards the motel where they payed for a room. They were disappointed to find two tiny beds that looked like they were made from toothpicks and bearskins and a couch that was almost entirely made from patches. Rob collapsed on to the couch after his associates took the beds. It had been a long day, a memorable one. It was likely tomorrow would be the same.
    Last edited by MudkipFan; 22nd October 2011 at 3:25 PM.
    MudkipFan

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    Chapter II-New Friends
    Rob was awoken by Indie at around 6AM, It was a pleasant morning, much unlike the previous few, it seemed the Emen was a much nicer place to live, Starlys chirped in the oak trees surrounding the glade in which the town was build, the Airport could be seen in the distance that slightly ruined the feeling of the place. Colourful flowers where arranged to follow the side walk and gardens of berries stood by the cottages on the other side of the road from the motel. It was said in Emen town, winter was the best time of year for crop growing, summer was too hot for most plants.


    They had a few hours before the grand opening of the lab where they would get their hands on one of the Pokémon they were giving away, Indies cousin had told the scientists to reserve them for the three so that they wouldn't miss out in the rush. Rob was confident they wouldn't anyway, he was sure they would get there early.


    They decided to spend their day by the lake. It shone electric blue and stretched as far as the eye could see, faintly in the distance the outline of two mountains could be seen, tall, grand mountains. Not like the hills you would see in the countryside, the sort of mountains that had snow at the peak and caves deep within. They were called the Arch Mountains, supposedly named after a great adventurer. But it didn't really interest Robert and his friends as all they had on their mind was getting their first Pokémon.


    Granted, they would start their journey a little later than usual... 6 years later, but surely that would make them stronger trainers with the maturity they had built over the years, well, apart from Indie who Rob still saw as a ten year old, in fact, he was probably more mature back then. Indie fiddled with his Poketch to pass the time, he grinned looking at the 'Pokémon' section witch read zero, but would soon show his brand new companion.


    Axel threw rocks that skimmed across the surface of the water before splashing down in to the perilous deep. It was Axel's idea to come down by the waterfront as his favourite place to be was by water. He had grown up near a lake, it was half a mile away from town but he often took a stroll through the forest to sit by the body of fluid and just watch for hours, Rob didn't really understand why, but he sometimes came too, probably because he had nothing else to do. This lake was far bigger, though, the biggest lake in Aley.


    It was around half an hour until the grand opening when Axel suggested they should go and check it out, see if they could get in Early, the other two agreed, wanting first pick. However, once they arrived at the lab there where already about ten people lined up outside, including Indie's cousin. Indie instinctively walked over to his cousin, who he slid in behind of and began to chat to, getting a good spot in the queue, leaving Axel and Rob at the back.


    Although it was only thirty minutes, it felt like hours to Rob, he just stood, crossing his fingers for a good Pokémon. Finally a man appeared in the door, he was a middle aged man, brown fading in to grey hair that was cut in to a short and sensible manor, and he looked like he was once a hotshot but now an intelligent and respected scientist. "Hello, young friends" the man began, addressing the crowd in front of him, most of them ten and eleven year olds, Indie, Axel and Rob being quite obviously older. "I'm Professor Oak. Gary Oak. This is the brand new Oak Laboratory, and today we are giving away some young, rare Pokémon. The reason we are giving away these Pokémon is so that you, the young blood, can travel the length and breadth of Aley and perhaps further to get information on Pokémon through your Poketch, send me any interesting things you find on your Journey, without further ado…"


    The Professor looked down at the first boy who was perhaps 10; he led him in to the room where there was a long table with pokeballs on cushions. The kid picked a Charmander; he giggled and ran off, his two friends picked pokeballs and followed. Next was Indies cousin, he carefully inspected them before taking out a Sandile. Indie bit his lip. Indie was next; he practically sprinted up to the table, almost falling over. He grabbed Chimchar and left.


    After the next few kids picked their Pokeballs, it was Robs turn. He kept his cool, casually looking at the Pokeballs, shrouding his excitement. He looked down to see a Treecko Pokeball at the end of the row, this was one of his favourite Pokémon, without giving the others a chance he took it and ran outside, joining Indie. Indie was already with his Pokémon, having a leisurely chat with it. Robert decided to do the same; opening his Pokeball the Treeko was revealed, he lifted it up on to his arm and patted it on the head.


    Axel walked out, a Squirtle at his feet; it held on to his trousers and had its arm in its mouth, chewing it vigorously. "So, now we have out Pokémon, what about a three way battle?" Axel asked, his eyebrow rose. "What, now?" Indie asked, looking away from his Chimchar to Axel. "When else, Easter?" Rob laughed. "Alright then, let's do this!" Indie spat, turning towards the others, making a triangle. Chimchar jumped in front of him enthusiastically. Rob nodded to Treecko who jumped down from his arm. Squirtle waddled out from under Axel's watch and eyed Chimchar with an intimidating scowl.


    "Squirtle, use Tail Whip!" Axel shouted, startling the others. Squirtle spun his tail round, his strength growing. "Now attack them with Pound!" Squirtle smashed in to Chimchar, knocking him a few feet back. Chimchar got up and dusted himself off, Indie looked at Axel "Counter that with Scratch, Chimchar!" The flaming monkey sliced in to Squirtle. "Hey this is a three-way, you know, Treecko, use Pound!" Treecko leaped in to the air and then drove in to Chimchar, knocking him back again "Again, this time on Squirtle!" before Treecko stopped he continued to run in to Squirtle, sliding under him and tripping him over. "Nice!"


    Squirtle began to blow out bubbles of air, his concentration was immense, it looked like he was trying to do something. "All right, Squirtle, use bubble!" Squirtle shot a string of bubbles that hit Chimchar who was shot back several meters. "No, Chimchar!" Indie said, running over to the Pokémon. He looked down on Chimchar who was very bashed up. "You did well, Chimchar, but it looks like he had an advantage…" Indie collected Chimchar with his Pokeball and looked back to Rob and Squirtle. "It's between you guys, then."


    "Ok, this is a long shot, but hopefully it will work..." Robert muttered to himself. "Treecko, Absorb!" Treecko grinned, and then stuck out his hands, a beam of light coming from Squirtle. Squirtle fell to the ground, Axel looked down at him. The small blue Pokémon tried to pull himself up, desperately trying not to fall. "It's ok, Squirtle, you don't need to get back up." Squirtle returned to his Pokeball, extremely weak.


    Rob smiled at Treecko who had won the battle. "Well done, Treecko, you did well." Treecko jumped up on to Robert's shoulder and relaxed. "You guys heal your Pokémon, I'm gonna try and catch one, what's a team with only one member." Robert walked down to the Lakeside in attempt of finding Pokémon, not considering to wait for Indie and Axel.
    Last edited by MudkipFan; 22nd October 2011 at 3:26 PM.
    MudkipFan

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    Chapter 3 III-Helon Woods
    It was not long until Indie and Axel caught up with Rob, who had taken his first steps in Helon Wood. The wood was quite large, the Pokémon in it normally consisted of Grass, Bug and Flying types, but rare exceptions could be found. Robert had his eye on a Butterfree witch was in the trees above. He slowly crept towards it, Treecko on his shoulder. Indie ran in to the clearing, startling the bug and causing it to fly off. "Hey! I was gonna catch that!" Rob scowled, shaking his head at the clumsy trainer.


    Axel arrived beside him, his Squirtle healed. "It's almost dark, this wood will take a couple of days to get a cross on foot, so we should get a move on, find a nice place to set up camp." Axel said, leading the group down a slope that followed the side of the lake. "We should catch some Pokémon too, if we want to beat the Gym leader in the Icarus Complex."


    Rob's eyebrow rose. "The Icarus Complex? Doesn't that lead in to Victory road?" Axel looked back at him. "It sure does, but there is a gym there too, a Ground gym, Squirtle and I will have no problem." Axel patted squirtle on the head as a sign of affection. Rob nodded, following his brother and Indie down.


    After a lengthy hike, the trio reached a clearing where they set up their tents, Indie instructed Chimchar to light some wood for a campfire, giving them some light for the evening ahead. After everything was set up they slumped down. The nights where much earlier in winter, but it made sense to sleep in the dark rather than the light. Rob whipped up some food which he shared with the others and the Pokémon.


    After finishing his meal, Robert laid down in his tent, he thought to himself all of the events that had happened in the day, he looked over to Treeko who was asleep on a blanket he had laid out. It seemed so tranquil, just lying there, no disturbance. Suddenly, out of nowhere a huge shriek broke the silence. Robert didn't recognise the shriek as human, or Squirtle or Chimchar for that matter, he zipped down his tent and looked outside.


    Axel and Indie where also looking out, their tired faces drooping in annoyance to the disruption of their sleep. "What the hell was that?!" Axel yelled, assuming the others knew more than him. He turned his head to see a man in a suit picking up a broken purple Pokeball. The man looked at Axel, his hair was declining and his face was wrinkled. "I'm sorry, boys, I didn't not mean to ruin your sleep…"


    Axel was not happy with this apology and wanted to know more. "Aha, so what are you doing in the middle of the woods with a suit on, and I repeat, What the Hell was that!!?" The Man closed his eyes. "I'm afraid that is confidential, now I must be going I have ve-" "Tell me you Jackass!" Axel spat, his anger growing from sleep deprivation.


    The man bit his lip, and then looked at Axel intimidatingly, before walking away. He muttered something about losing his target because of lousy kids. Axel would have gone after him, but instead he collapsed in to his pillow. Indie shrugged at Robert before retiring in to his tent. Robert, however, wasn't satisfied. He pulled himself out of the tent, his Treecko behind him.
    In the distance he saw the man through a tree, for some reason he was standing still, suddenly a huge white figure rose in to the sky and shot off in another direction. Rob could hear the man cursing, then climbing in to a car and driving off. Robert was confused, what was that flying white thing, and why was the man in the suit after him. He decided to sleep on it.


    Robert slept in relatively late the next day, telling himself he deserved it. He pulled of the cloak to find Indie battling Axel. Axel smiled at Indie as Robert walked out. "Indie, you should learn that the only way you can beat me is if you get a new Pokémon, I'm afraid water beats fire." Indie ignored him, shouting out "Quick Attack!" Chimchar leaped in to Squirtle at full speed, knocking it off its feet.


    "D'ya think we can get to Icarus by tonight?" Rob asked, sitting down on the floor by his two followers whilst taking a sandwich out of his rucksack. "If we go directly through the Swamp, yup…" Axel nodded, his Squirtle shooting a bubble at Chimchar, knocking him out to the disappointment of Indie. "Great, so, should we set off now?" Indie asked, using a revive on Chimchar. "Well, if you don't mind getting covered in mud and god knows what else in that cesspit."


    Rob pulled on some wellington boots he had taken with him in case of situations like this, as had Axel, but Indie had only packed Sneakers and Sandles, leaving him with barley any protection from whatever was lurking inside the pools of muck. They headed In to the swamp, squelching through what looked like a mushed up bruised banana.


    Dying trees and dark flowers shot up from the gunk, some lucky life forms had grown on islands and barley survived, it was not the perfect environment for things to grow, including Pokémon- there where none. "Well, we've come through here to train and catch Pokémon; all I have managed to do is ruin my trainers and lose a battle…" Indie said mud up to his ankles. "Stop whining and walk…"


    They arrived at an Island with a single tree on it, it was a few meters away from the end of the swamp and the Icarus Complex was visible. "You guys go ahead, I'll catch up…" Indie said, taking off his shoes and pouring the mud out. "You sure?" Robert asked, looking at his friend with concern. "Yup."


    Robert and Axel crossed over on to dry land where they walked up a steep hill. Indie was left behind on the single island, scraping his shoes off, he knew it was pointless because he had several more meters to walk, but it made it less uncomfortable.


    He studied the swamp, it seemed like nothing was there, just bilgewater and unlucky trees that would soon by consumed by the yellowy ooze. His attention was then drawn to the gunk in front of him. Bubbles rose up from under it… Suddenly something rose up. It was blue, a long blue thing. That's all he could describe it as. It's sad eyes stared at him. It was the only thing he had seen in the entire swamp.


    He pulled out his Pokedex. "Tentacool, the Jellyfish Pokémon, it is very hard to see in water, it may not be noticed until it stings." Indie stood up and let out Chimchar. "This is a Water Pokémon, Chimchar. It may be hard to battle, but we're gonna try and catch it!"


    Indie looked at the lonely thing, its eyes looked up at him like he would expect a hurt toddler would. He kneeled down and stared at it. For some reason, he didn't know why, he opened his Pokeball and tried to catch it. When he threw the ball, it didn’t struggle, it simple stayed still. The ball clicked, showing he had caught it.


    Indie smiled, he didn't even need to battle the Tentacool, it was alone, it had nobody, nothing to be taken away from. He had seen a documentary of a Pokémon that had been taken from it's family, the hardship it faced. This Tentacool had no family to leave behind. Indie recalled Chimchar and placed both Pokeballs in his pocket before heading up the hillside to the Complex.


    The Complex was amazing- it had a huge golden gate than shone in the sunlight, the building itself was like a castle forged out of steel, silver, red and blue lines painted across it. He darted in the main gates to find Axel and Rob.


    The interior of the complex was much like a shopping mall, it was one rectangular building with three floors and several other buildings sprouting off in each. On the bottom floor was a PokeMart, a Pokémon Centre and at the end the gym. On the other side of the room was the trade centre, and at the end of the hall was Victory road. Robert, Indie and Axel approached the gym's doors and heaved them open.

    This is where the challenge became obvious.
    MudkipFan

  6. #6

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    First time reviewing lol

    Okay, I'm not really a fan of journey type fics or whatnot but this one seems a tad bit interesting especially at the beginning with the two men riding the horses and it seems like a western style showdown is bound to go down, however I kinda lost interest along the way. But that's just personal taste.

    Oh and defiantly spell check, since it can catch errors like this one:

    the only area in Aley that was too hot for the norm traveller
    traveller = traveler
    ------------
    Quotes, if the person is speaking and unless they are asking a question or exclaiming, you should have a comma at the end of the quote so it doesn't look like that's a new sentence; like for example, instead of this:

    "Yeah, since I'm moving out I don't really need all my stuff here, Mom and Dad are using the attic for storage now." Rob nodded

    do this:

    "Yeah, since I'm moving out I don't really need all my stuff here, Mom and Dad are using the attic for storage now," Rob nodded

    It makes it look like now that "Rob nodded" is part of the sentence instead of it's own sentence fragment.
    --------

    "Where is the nearest town." The shorter man walked up to the newcomer, giving him a powerful shove.
    That should be a question since the dialogue starts with a who, what, where, why, how at the beginning. etc:

    "Where is the nearest town?" The shorter man walked up to the newcomer, giving him a powerful shove.

    ---------

    Granted, they would start their journey a little later than usual... 6 years later
    unless you are talking height (ie: 6'5) or a number higher than 100, then you should write out the number. (six instead of 6)

    ------------

    Squirtle began to blow out bubbles of air, his concentration was immense, it looked like he was trying to do something. "All right, Squirtle, use bubble!" Squirtle shot a string of bubbles that hit Chimchar who was shot back several meters.
    This one was confusing because at first it said that he blew bubbles and ironically, the trainer yells "use bubble!". It looks like they forgot to tell Squirtle to use Bubble and now has called the command.

    I would suggest something like this:

    "All right, Squirtle, use bubble!"

    Squirtle began to blow out bubbles of air, a string of bubbles that eventually hit Chimchar who was shot back several meters. His concentration was immense.[


    I might have messed it up but just a thought

    -----

    Other thins like how can a six foot man ride a just shy of 5 feet tall Pokemon?

    And then the way you described pound seemed like you were describing tackle, but this is a different universe so ignore this one.

    Other than that, it was okay and I hope my review wasn't too confusing. Good luck :]
    岩根雅明=♡

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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    First time reviewing lol

    Okay, I'm not really a fan of journey type fics or whatnot but this one seems a tad bit interesting especially at the beginning with the two men riding the horses and it seems like a western style showdown is bound to go down, however I kinda lost interest along the way. But that's just personal taste.

    Oh and defiantly spell check, since it can catch errors like this one:



    traveller = traveler
    ------------
    Quotes, if the person is speaking and unless they are asking a question or exclaiming, you should have a comma at the end of the quote so it doesn't look like that's a new sentence; like for example, instead of this:

    "Yeah, since I'm moving out I don't really need all my stuff here, Mom and Dad are using the attic for storage now." Rob nodded

    do this:

    "Yeah, since I'm moving out I don't really need all my stuff here, Mom and Dad are using the attic for storage now," Rob nodded

    It makes it look like now that "Rob nodded" is part of the sentence instead of it's own sentence fragment.
    --------



    That should be a question since the dialogue starts with a who, what, where, why, how at the beginning. etc:

    "Where is the nearest town?" The shorter man walked up to the newcomer, giving him a powerful shove.

    ---------



    unless you are talking height (ie: 6'5) or a number higher than 100, then you should write out the number. (six instead of 6)

    ------------



    This one was confusing because at first it said that he blew bubbles and ironically, the trainer yells "use bubble!". It looks like they forgot to tell Squirtle to use Bubble and now has called the command.

    I would suggest something like this:

    "All right, Squirtle, use bubble!"

    Squirtle began to blow out bubbles of air, a string of bubbles that eventually hit Chimchar who was shot back several meters. His concentration was immense.[


    I might have messed it up but just a thought

    -----

    Other thins like how can a six foot man ride a just shy of 5 feet tall Pokemon?

    And then the way you described pound seemed like you were describing tackle, but this is a different universe so ignore this one.

    Other than that, it was okay and I hope my review wasn't too confusing. Good luck :]
    Wow, thanks, that's given me a lot to think about. I will try and build on this in the next chapter.
    MudkipFan

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    Well here it is, I had already finished most of this earlier, but I read over it just now and am ready to release it.

    Chapter 4
    The doors slid open and a man in an expensive black suit made his way in to Reception. Thick stone steppes covered by a soft white carpet led up to a room with a gold rimmed door. "Sam O'Toole, I'm here to see the Manager" the suited man told the receptionist, shivering despite wearing his winter garments. The woman nodded "Go right in." The man walked up the hard staircase, his mouth jittering as he did so.


    The doors automatically opened and he walked in. The room was large, its walls where covered in bookcases, it had a burgundy carpet and at the back of the room was a desk, a single man sat behind it, writing in a small grey notebook. "Come." Mr. O'Toole approached the desk and looked to the Manager, his eyes showing true fear.


    "Sir, we've spotted a Lugia around Helon Woods, we have sent a couple of agents after it and we're awaiting information on if we've caught it or not." The Manager looked up from his notebook and looked at the man. "Very good, mister…?" the Manager began, giving the notion he wanted O'Toole's name. "Eh...eh…O'Toole sir" the man replied, quaking beneath his circular glasses.


    "Well, Mr. O'Toole, I'm putting you in charge of catching this Lugia, you will be taken there on a private jet and picked up in a car." O'Toole's jaw dropped "T-thank you sir!" The Manager placed three master balls down on the desk, which O'Toole shuffled in to his briefcase. "If anyone gets in the way, don't be afraid to get rid of them, our lawyers are not to be underestimated. Go."


    O'Toole walked towards the exit, a sense of importance flooded in to him. "Oh and O'Toole…" the Manager said, looking over at his Employee "Don't balls this up." O'Toole nodded, "Yes Sir." He walked down the staircase carefully making his steps towards the Hangar where he would be taken to Emen Town. He had his big break, finally he could prove himself as a member of Sanctuary.



    Axel pushed open the doors to the Gym. The looked across it, it appeared to mimic a desert, one large room full of sand. Beside them a young man stood, around the age of twenty, he had spiky brown hair and a cravat around his neck. "Hello there, my names Kayan. This is my gym; I suppose you've come here to beat me?" Axel and Robert nodded, looking eager. Indie stood behind them. "I don't know guys…"


    Axel and Robert looked round in surprise. "But Indie… it's always been your dream to beat the Pokémon League!" Robert yelled, confused to why the keenest of the three was backing out. "I've had time to think, I'm not so sure I want to be a trainer…" Rob frowned, "You're joking, right?" Indie shook his head "Maybe I'd rather be… I don't know, a Co-ordinator…" Robert simply stared. "Well… I guess if that's what you want…"


    "Ok, let's get on with this!" Axel said, walking on to the sand and letting out Squirtle. "All right then…" Robert sat behind Indie as Axel battled Kayan; he sat in silence before he turned to Indie. "So, you want to be a Co-ordinator?" Rob asked, unsure of the idea.


    "Well, I'd prefer to use Pokémon for fun rather than as a weapon, I know you see it differently, but I think it's just a decision I have to make." Robert nodded. "Yeah, I guess so. Well, less of a challenge for me now, my only competition is Axel." Indie smiled "Just because I'm going to be a Co-ordinator doesn’t mean I can't beat you in a battle." Rob shook his head jokingly.


    "Ok! Squirtle, let's wrap this up, Bubble!" Axel roared, his small blue companion following his order by shooting a watery ball in to Kayan's Sandshrew, knocking it out. Kayan returned his knocked out companion and approached Axel. Rob could see Kayan giving Axel the badge.


    Axel nodded and left, handing over the reins to Rob, who stood. "Shall we?" Kayan asked, smiling. "Why not… go Treecko!" Robert clicked open his Pokeball, freeing the young Gecko. Kayan grinned, sending out Sandshrew. "Kay, Sandshrew, use Dig!"


    Sandshrew smashed in to the ground and burrowed down. "When he jumps for us, use quick attack to slash past him." Robert whispered down to Treecko, careful so that Kayan did not hear him. Sandshrew jumped up in front of Treecko, in the midst of its pounce, it was knocked to the ground as Treecko smashed in to it in mid-air.


    "I like you're thinking" announced Kayan, watching carefully. "Sandshrew, poison sting!" The rodent struck Treecko's arm who then fell backwards and collapsed, before pulling himself up reluctantly. "Nice, Treecko, keep going, we can do this, Absorb, then Quick attack!" Treecko sent a beam of light to steal Sandshrew's energy before smashing in to him full speed.


    Sandshrew was knocked out. Kayan still looked confident, sending out his second Pokémon. "Go Cubone!" A small rat like Pokémon wielding a club and wearing what appeared to be a cow skull was sent out. "Use Earthquake!" The Pokémon smashed the ground, the building shuck, Treecko fell backwards. "Finish him with Bone Rush!"


    The Cubone throttled Treecko with several bones, they pelted off him like hail on concrete. Treecko was flat on the floor, he was about to faint. "No Treecko!" The small lizard pulled itself up, and stood before ramming in to the Cubone without instruction, knocking it out. Rob grinned, running up to his Treecko and praising it.


    "Your Pokémon's will is strong" Kayan said, looking over to the Treecko. "I applaud you" Kayan smiled, praising Rob's efforts. "You also" Axel acknowledged, shaking Kayan's hand. Kayan then placed a small circular brown badge in his palm. "This is the Dirt Badge, it is the centrepiece of the League Key, once you collect all eight badges, and you will be able to place them in to a seal which will open the gates to Victory road. Good luck."


    Rob thanked him once more and then left, Indie close behind him. Axel was waiting outside. "There isn't anything left here for us, I suppose we should continue onwards." Indie suggested, looking around. "Yeah, the next gym should be in Wallendale, a small village past the farmland." Axel told the others. "Well let's make a move on."


    They walked in to the PokeMart and bought some food for their trip before setting off down the road in to the countryside. All that could be seen for miles was mud, since it was winter no plant would grow and the farmland seemed very bare, but it would change much in summer, it would be rows of corn, fields of hay and the odd vineyard.
    MudkipFan

  9. #9
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    May 2009
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    This is a review exchange review.
    Fics: Avarice: It's only 3 chapters and a Prologue. If you want to review just the prologue and the first chapter, that's fine too.
    Review Wanted: I want reviews that focus on plot and characterization. If there is anything wrong with my grammar please let me know since that is a weak point of mine. They shouldn't be long since I'm not a long reviewer. Fair is fair after all. As much as I love praise, if there is something I really screwed up on please tell me.


    First off I want to say that I thought you did really good on your description of the setting. It wasn't too much or too little. But on the actual characters, I think you could be a little more descriptive with them. For example, Robert has blue eyes. When you're writing you should make mention of that sometimes. It could go something like this:

    "Woah? Really?" Robert exclaimed, his blue eyes widening.

    Doing little things like that every now and then will remind the readers of what the characters look like. I assume this will be story with a lot of chapters so it's important for everybody to have a clear picture in their head of each person.

    Now on to the characters.

    Rob- In the first chapter I noticed that you said he was a lively character in contrast to his brother's usual sarcastic and grumpy demeanor. I would loved to see that brotherly dynamic play out in later chapters since it would give both brothers more personality.

    Indie- Out of all the characters, I think that Indie has the best characterization so far. His encounter with the little Tentacool shows that he has a big heart. When he decided to be a Co-ordinator I was pleasantly surprised. It distinguishes him from the others. Little things like that are what make characters stand out. But I think a quirk or two would give him even better characterization.

    Axel- Axel (or Alec) is said to be sarcastic and grumpy. However, I don't really see a lot of that showing in his character. I would loved to see how Rob and Indie react to Axel being a killjoy every now and again, especially when the more serious parts of the plot show up.


    Overall, you are off to a decent start. Just be sure to make sure that your characters have distinct personalities that are shown throughout the story. I'll be checking in on this story every now and again to see how it comes along. Good luck!

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