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Thread: The Kingdom (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default The Kingdom (PG-13)

    So... yeah. My first real fic. An outline of the fic can be found here. So, I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this.
    Rated PG-13 for potential violence and profanity, as well as dark themes
        Spoiler:- PM LIST:


    Chapter 1- The Chapter With no Name Because It's Just Mysterious Like That
    Red stood there, staring into the darkness. It was such an empty feeling… he could see only the faint outline of the slow water and some green glows off in the distance. That wasn’t what he was after though. He was after something more… magnificent. Something more practical to own, and that would bring much fame.

    Sure, the crystals were nice and all, and would most likely generate quite a bit of interest, but not enough. He wanted something else. Something to prove his worthiness of being a Pokemon master. He noticed a small steel canoe, presumably there to cross the river to his final challenge’s domain.

    Pika, his ever faithful Pikachu, gently pawed his leg, as if to say, “Go on. You can do it!” He glanced down at the small electrical rodent. Its cheeks were positively buzing with excitement. And an actual buzz. He feared that if he didn’t release his power soon, he would explode. And Red most certainly did NOT want to clean Pikachu off the walls, not again.

    And with that, he got in the small canoe he had found and sailed off.



    The canoe was not built for comfort. It was metal, and the water was freezing cold. So the canoe was freezing cold. With that logic, Red soon became freezing cold. Luckily, the water was still and dark, so it required very little effort on his part to row the small boat. He feared that his companion would release a small jolt out of pure anticipation, which wasn’t good to begin with. When you remembered that his canoe was a great conductor for electricity, as was the water, he started fearing for his safety.

    Red usually wasn’t one to fear anything, but he was fighting what many considered the strongest Pokemon ever. It had been considered by many as a god, up until about four years ago, when an actual god was discovered. His target still had much strength and was revered by many in the Pokemon collector community- or PCC as they shortened it to.



    After what seemed like hours, the canoe thunked into the craggy coast of the other side. Red tentatively climbed out and stretched his legs. It felt wonderful. The second thing he noticed was that it was unusually warm here, even though it was so deep underground. He realized that the crystals producing the mysterious glow from earlier must’ve also worked as a heat source. Red was relieved. If he had to fight in less than ideal conditions, he wouldn’t think straight.

    After looking around, he realized it was far too dark to see, even with the crystals. The absolute power of darkness, he thought. It was amazingly overwhelming. It took him no hesitation to send out his loyal Charizard.

    “Charizard, Flamethrower!” he called out. The dragon was more than happy to oblige. A long beam of flames instantly shot out of his mouth, illuminating a long path ending in what seemed to be a pedestal. It was like no other material; shiny, blue, and reflecting the light in millions of colours around the chamber.

    And that’s when he saw it.

    A small, purple, shapeless thing rested on the center of the pedestal, clearly frustrated but deep in thought. It flicked its tail ever so often out of pure anger. He had never seen something so agitated yet so absorbed in its meditation. It was just as he expected- the most powerful Psychic type Pokemon. Of course it would be in meditation.

    He charged forward, covering half the distance of the hall in just a few minutes, Charizrd flying behind him. Then he noticed that there was something unexpected about the creature. It seemed to be a muscular, purple cat. Slightly disturbed, he slowed down as he finally reached the pedestal. One of its eyes shot open, realizing what had happened. Someone was approaching it. Clearly it was not prepared for this. But he seemed ready enough; though Red couldn’t help but notice that he kept glancing behind it, as if anticipating something. Seeing that nothing was happening, it went into full panic mode. It made this high pitched screaming noise. Red felt his body having no weight, then feeling impossibly heavy. He saw waves of purple and red dancing across the sides of the cavern. After many minutes of impossible distortions like this, he was knocked unconscious.


    So, yeah. Hope you liked it. Comments and criticism are much appreciated.
    Last edited by Zibdas; 13th July 2012 at 1:28 AM. Reason: Forgot the chapter

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zibdas View Post
    So... yeah. My first real fic. An outline of the fic can be found here. So, I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this.

    Chapter 1- The Chapter With no Name Because It's Just Mysterious Like That
    Red stood there, staring into the darkness. It was such an empty feeling… he could see only the faint outline of the slow water and some green glows off in the distance. That wasn’t what he was after though. He was after something more… magnificent. Something more practical to own, and that would bring much fame.

    Sure, the crystals were nice and all, and would most likely generate quite a bit of interest, but not enough. He wanted something else. Something to prove his worthiness of being a Pokemon master. He noticed a small steel canoe, presumably there to cross the river to his final challenge’s domain.

    Pika, his ever faithful Pikachu, gently pawed his leg, as if to say, “Go on. You can do it!” He glanced down at the small electrical rodent. Its cheeks were positively buzing with excitement. And an actual buzz. He feared that if he didn’t release his power soon, he would explode. And Red most certainly did NOT want to clean Pikachu off the walls, not again.

    And with that, he got in the small canoe he had found and sailed off.



    The canoe was not built for comfort. It was metal, and the water was freezing cold. So the canoe was freezing cold. With that logic, Red soon became freezing cold. Luckily, the water was still and dark, so it required very little effort on his part to row the small boat. He feared that his companion would release a small jolt out of pure anticipation, which wasn’t good to begin with. When you remembered that his canoe was a great conductor for electricity, as was the water, he started fearing for his safety.

    Red usually wasn’t one to fear anything, but he was fighting what many considered the strongest Pokemon ever. It had been considered by many as a god, up until about four years ago, when an actual god was discovered. His target still had much strength and was revered by many in the Pokemon collector community- or PCC as they shortened it to.



    After what seemed like hourse, the canoe thunked into the craggy coast of the other side. Red tentatively climbed out and stretched his legs. It felt wonderful. The second thing he noticed was that it was unusually warm here, even though it was so deep underground. He realized that the crystals producing the mysterious glow from earlier must’ve also worked as a heat source. Red was relieved. If he had to fight in less than ideal conditions, he wouldn’t think straight.

    After looking around, he realized it was far too dark to see, even with the crystals. The absolute power of darkness, he thought. It was amazingly overwhelming. It took him no hesitation to send out his loyal Charizard.

    “Charizard, Flamethrower!” he called out. The dragon was more than happy to oblige. A long beam of flames instantly shot out of his mouth, illuminating a long path ending in what seemed to be a pedestal. It was like no other material; shiny, blue, and reflecting the light in millions of colours around the chamber.

    And that’s when he saw it.

    A small, purple, shapeless thing rested on the center of the pedestal, clearly frustrated but deep in thought. It flicked its tail ever so often out of pure anger. He had never seen something so agitated yet so absorbed in its meditation. It was just as he expected- the most powerful Psychic type Pokemon. Of course it would be in meditation.

    He charged forward, covering half the distance of the hall in just a few minutes, Charizrd flying behind him. Then he noticed that there was something unexpected about the creature. It seemed to be a muscular, purple cat. Slightly disturbed, he slowed down as he finally reached the pedestal. One of its eyes shot open, realizing what had happened. Someone was approaching it. Clearly it was not prepared for this. But he seemed ready enough; though Red couldn’t help but notice that he kept glancing behind it, as if anticipating something. Seeing that nothing was happening, it went into full panic mode. It made this high pitched screaming noise. Red felt his body having no weight, then feeling impossibly heavy. He saw waves of purple and red dancing across the sides of the cavern. After many minutes of impossible distortions like this, he was knocked unconscious.


    So, yeah. Hope you liked it. Comments and criticism are much appreciated.
    I like the plot of this story, it sounds interesting to me since I like these type of stories.
    Any who:
    He feared that if he didn’t release his power soon, he would explode. And Red most certainly did NOT want to clean Pikachu off the walls, not again.
    What does he mean by again? 0.0

    The canoe was not built for comfort. It was metal, and the water was freezing cold. So the canoe was freezing cold. With that logic, Red soon became freezing cold. Luckily, the water was still and dark, so it required very little effort on his part to row the small boat. He feared that his companion would release a small jolt out of pure anticipation, which wasn’t good to begin with. When you remembered that his canoe was a great conductor for electricity, as was the water, he started fearing for his safety.

    Red usually wasn’t one to fear anything, but he was fighting what many considered the strongest Pokemon ever. It had been considered by many as a god, up until about four years ago, when an actual god was discovered. His target still had much strength and was revered by many in the Pokemon collector community- or PCC as they shortened it to.
    Good discription but maybe you could've put some of his thoughts as he was going through this. You know like, what was going through his head besides fear of getting shocked by hid Pikachu.
    After what seemed like hourse
    I think that should be hours.
    He charged forward, covering half the distance of the hall in just a few minutes, Charizrd flying behind him. Then he noticed that there was something unexpected about the creature. It seemed to be a muscular, purple cat. Slightly disturbed, he slowed down as he finally reached the pedestal. One of its eyes shot open, realizing what had happened. Someone was approaching it. Clearly it was not prepared for this. But he seemed ready enough; though Red couldn’t help but notice that he kept glancing behind it, as if anticipating something. Seeing that nothing was happening, it went into full panic mode. It made this high pitched screaming noise. Red felt his body having no weight, then feeling impossibly heavy. He saw waves of purple and red dancing across the sides of the cavern. After many minutes of impossible distortions like this, he was knocked unconscious.
    Maybe you could put what was going through mewtwos head as he saw Red.

    I like the plot and can't wait to see where you go with this. Also, is this the actual 1st chapter or a prolouge? It seems rather short.

    Fall to the power of my Haxorus! Credit to Proby3!
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    ZOMG YOU MADE A FIC!

    *ahem*

    So far, it seems pretty good. No grammatical errors that I noticed, which is always a positive. However, there a few things that need to be looked over...

    1. Humor

    I know that you tried to add a bit of humor to this. Trust me, that's okay. But you don't want to force the humor too much. The forced humor was evident in the line about Red not wanting to clean Pikachu off the walls again.

    The statement makes no sense, as Pikachu would most likely be dead or mortally wounded if someone would need to clean him off a wall. While it did give me a bit of a chuckle, you need to have humor that makes sense. Humor that doesn't make sense is usually forced in. Both are bad. But other than that line, you did a pretty good job.

    2. Description

    Your description throughout the prolouge(?) is well done. Your sentence sturcture was varied, and I could get a clear idea of what was going on. Except for one part. You describe the Pokemon that Red meets as a "muscular, purple cat." What Pokemon is Red meeting? Just by this description, you could have a number of possibilities, such as Mew or Mewtwo (and even though it's a stretch, Liepard could be included in this).

    When you say it uses its Psychic powers, that leaves it at Mew or Mewtwo. We still do not know which Pokemon this is. On one hand, it could be Mewtwo, because it intentionally knocks out a human. On the other hand, it could be Mew, because you mentioned that it used to be thought of as God. So, make sure that you are detailed in your descriptions if you want readers to know what you're talking about.

    3. Length

    If this is just a prolouge, then ignore the below paragraph. If this is an actual chapter, then there are serious issues with length. A full chapter should be much longer, to give the reader a good idea of what is going on. However, I do sense that this is a prolouge, so don't concern yourself with this too much.

    Overall, a good start for your first fic. Just keep in mind your humor, description, and length, and you'll be golden.
    Hi, I'm part of the staff on Pokemon Showdown!, if you have any questions or need any help, VM or PM me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SHINY VICINY View Post
    I like the plot of this story, it sounds interesting to me since I like these type of stories.
    Any who:
    What does he mean by again? 0.0
    Yup.

    Good discription but maybe you could've put some of his thoughts as he was going through this. You know like, what was going through his head besides fear of getting shocked by hid Pikachu.
    I didn't really put anything here as I don't think there'd be anything going through Red's mind in a time like this; just anticiaption
    I think that should be hours.Fixed.
    Maybe you could put what was going through mewtwos head as he saw Red.
    *shruggity shrug shrug*
    I like the plot and can't wait to see where you go with this. Also, is this the actual 1st chapter or a prolouge? It seems rather short.Sorta both... I couldn't really make it a prologue without something or other coming up.
    Thanks for the review!

    Anyway, comments in bold.

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    Chapter 2- The Chapter With an Actual Name
    He was barely aware of his existence.

    Red was entirely surprised to be alive; let alone laying on what seemed to be a street. He didn’t quite want to open his eyes, not until he figured what was going on. It’s not often that a Pokémon went berserk like that. Less often would they focus all their power on you in one attack. Never did you live. But yet here he was, lying on a street, seemingly far away from the ancient cave…

    He was sick of trying to figure things out. None of it made sense. He just gave up and opened his eyes. Whatever he was expecting, this wasn’t it. He was sitting in the middle of a street, yes. He’d seen the place many times… it must’ve been Celadon. He was in Rainbow Square, home of the Gym Leader and her Maidens, but not the actual Gym. Many a person thought this to be strange, as the Square’s centre even had a large mosaic of the city’s badge. It was also home to much of the city’s battles. As if just to prove his point, somewhere in the distance a young man with a Swampert was arguing with some teen with what appeared to be a large robot. Must be one of those Unovan Pokémon I heard about on the news the other day, Red thought absently. He realized only then that a large group of people began surrounding him, muttering things that Red could only catch bits and pieces of.

    “Thought we chased him out of here…”

    “Maybe he’s dead?”

    “But look, he’s breathing”

    “EEK! GHOST!”

    “Shut. Up.”

    “Maybe we should tell Bel?”

    “No, Erika!”

    “But what would Bel do if we didn’t tell her…?”

    “Don’t think about it.”

    “Then why are we taking him to Erika?”

    “Because Erika’s hot.”

    Out of the blue, Red heard a sharp, clear cough, as if to clear a throat the size of the moon that was certainly doomed to fall onto us (as opposed to the moon that actually likes us, and thus stays in the sky). When Red had finally located the source of the cough, he flinched. He expected a big, burly man. If not, a velociraptor. But it was neither. It was a thin, tall woman. She wore a strange, black gown that reminded him of a cross between a spider web and a tulip. She was anorexic, though didn’t seem bothered at all but rather more capable with what was to many a horrible disease. As he finally made eye contact, her eyes seemed to glow brilliantly and her mouth curled up into a half pleasant smile, half sneer like she wanted to rip his lungs out and then throw a tea party just because.

    “Well well well… what have we got here? You again?” She said in a cold, yet slightly amused manner. “I thought we ran you out of town. The Celedonians were especially creative with their insults that day.” She paused and licked her lips, as if savoring how delicious that day was. “’Hardenless Kakuna’ was my favourite.”

    A bystander from the crowd burst into giddy giggling, as if the mere thought that she liked something he said was the equivalent to heaven on Earth. What was going on? Red thought. More importantly, who is this woman?

    He wanted to say something heroic, or demand that she explain what was going on. Instead, he stammered, “H-how are you today?”

    She threw her head back and laughed. It was a beautiful sight. Her long, silky blonde hair was streaming behind her. Her near-perfect teeth glinting in the sunlight. Her eyes merely showing complete joy in this change of events. He only then realized she had produced a katana in each hand and was now pointing both to his throat. He merely sighed. Just like his last date.

    Out of nowhere, she became serious once more. “You seem… different somehow. I’ll find out soon enough, don’t you worry.” She said, seemingly enjoying the panic in his eyes. After a moment of thinking she hastily tacked on, “Up for a Pokémon battle this time? I’m required by law to challenge you. Plus, I’m interested to see if you’ll actually battle for once, you know. Stop being a hippy and stuff.”

    Red broke into a grin. Now here was something e understood. “Sure,” he said. “This should be fun.”

    Clearly surprised that he had actually accepted, she seemed to falter, but just as fast regained her footing. “Very well then. After this you might be more… willing to meet thine Maker.”

    More confused than ever, Red selected a ball and threw it…

    …Only to have nothing happen. Dumbfounded he went to the pokéball’s crash site he realized it had been sealed shut. He quickly went through his other Pokémon, and after a short math stuff, later, he realized only three of his Pokéballs were working. Not good.

    Out of options, he sent Pika forward. He had intended to use it last, but with Charizard and Blastoise being his only other options against a trainer he knew nothing about; he’d just have to make do.

    After seeing him select the small rodent, she merely shrugged. “Your demise. Now, for the real show! Go, Gallade!” With that, she threw a Pokéball high in the air, where it exploded in a shower of sparkles to reveal Gallade. The entire, though however short, performance was greeted by a hearty round of applause.

    “Pika, Thunderbolt! Aim for the… helmet.., thing. You know, on top of its head.” Pika apparently felt the urge to scream its name as loud as possible, which he overcame by giving in. With the ear-splitting squeal, he summoned a small bolt to strike the enemy’s rather large head.

    “Decent. But not decent enough!” Bel smiled deviously. “Gallade, Swords Dance, followed by X-Scissor!” With that, Gallade began randomly dancing and swaying, looking more drunk than awe-inspiring. Pika and Red stood there, gaping at the unexpected sight. It was more disturbing than anything, but finally it was over. Gallade lurched from side to side, seemingly very dizzy, but managed to lunge at Pika with its blades. Whatever Pika did didn’t compare to Gallade’s sheer power, and Pika went flying into a passing girl carrying a Meowth.

    She stood up quickly, fuming. “Watch where you let your Pikachu fly into, you hear?!” she tossed a roll of paper to the man with the Swampert and melted into the crowd.

    Realizing that Pika couldn’t take even one more hit from that drunken maniac with swords for arms, he recalled Pikachu, to which Bel merely smiled. “Tsk, tsk. And you were doing so well! Not really though. I’m supposed to say that too though. Anyway, Musharna. Take care of them, would you darling?”

    She sent out a small Pokéball, which thus released a large, pink elephant that appeared to be sleeping in mid-air. Suddenly, its eyes opened. Red felt a searing pain somewhere behind his naval, then near his eyes. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear. He couldn’t move. But he did feel himself smash into the street. That meant he was alive. But that was something else all together. Two monstrous Pokemon attacks that he survived with no damage in one day? Well, that’s if you don’t count blindness and deafness as an injury...
    Last edited by Zibdas; 29th October 2011 at 3:51 PM.

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    Nice chapter. It had a good battle. A little short though. :/ (Did I catch a Majora's Mask reference in there?) The chapter sort of cuts off at the end in mid-sentence. That's a bit of a problem because

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    Quote Originally Posted by EternalSword7 View Post
    Nice chapter. It had a good battle. A little short though. :/ (Did I catch a Majora's Mask reference in there?) The chapter sort of cuts off at the end in mid-sentence. That's a bit of a problem because
    ...huh. So it does. I shall go fix that... now.
    And do note that I fully intend for future chapters to be longer; I'm was having some issues with word but they're all fixed now.

    I know that you tried to add a bit of humor to this. Trust me, that's okay. But you don't want to force the humor too much. The forced humor was evident in the line about Red not wanting to clean Pikachu off the walls again.
    That's the point. Obviously Pikachu would be dead, but neither of them seem to realize that. AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU

    Your description throughout the prolouge(?) is well done. Your sentence sturcture was varied, and I could get a clear idea of what was going on. Except for one part. You describe the Pokemon that Red meets as a "muscular, purple cat." What Pokemon is Red meeting? Just by this description, you could have a number of possibilities, such as Mew or Mewtwo (and even though it's a stretch, Liepard could be included in this).
    Mew ain't muscular, nor purple. And why would Liepard be the supposed god of the Pokemon gworld?

    And beyond that, only Blaine knew about its name and creation at that point. I suppose I should've pointed that out. Ahs well.
    If this is just a prolouge, then ignore the below paragraph. If this is an actual chapter, then there are serious issues with length. A full chapter should be much longer, to give the reader a good idea of what is going on. However, I do sense that this is a prolouge, so don't concern yourself with this too much.
    It's a prologue of sorts, yes. I just didn't want a real prologue as it wouldn't work with the story. And yeah, Chapter 2 is much longer, and so far Chapter three is quite the decent sized catch as well.

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    The chapter was nice, if a little short. But I have many questions about the chapter, which you will probably find a bit annoying.

    How did Red end up in Celadon City? Did Mewtwo (or Mew) teleport him there? This remains a mystery, which will hopefully be explained in a later chapter.

    Who is the woman? The way you described her, I got an image of Cynthia, but that probably wasn't what you were going for.

    Why was Red chased out of town a long time ago? I always imagined Red as a charismatic guy, but apparently you had a different take on him.

    The chapter makes me think, which is good. I always like to wonder things when I'm reading then have a "big reveal" to find out the missing information. I hope that that's what happens here.

    However, the humor once again is a bit forced. For example, your line about the moon in the sky that actually likes "us." While it's okay to have humorous narration, don't overdue it. Honestly Zibdas, you're funny enough just being yourself. You don't need to jam in extra humor. Imagine yourself being the narrator, and how you would comment on the things happening as they happen. You'll get many more laughs like that, if that's what you're going for.

    As for the battle scene, it was all right for your first battle scene, but it was too short to really evaluate.

    Overall, a decent chapter. Hope to see more from you soon.
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoopes View Post
    The chapter was nice, if a little short. But I have many questions about the chapter, which you will probably find a bit annoying.

    How did Red end up in Celadon City? Did Mewtwo (or Mew) teleport him there? This remains a mystery, which will hopefully be explained in a later chapter.
    He initially was teleported to Cerulean, yes, but he was taken to Celedon by means that will be explained later.
    Who is the woman? The way you described her, I got an image of Cynthia, but that probably wasn't what you were going for.
    That's the thing. Sure, I have an image of her in my head. But I'd rather the reader get their own thoughts and images. And for the record, she is not Cynthia, and will be introduced properly in Chapter 3.
    Why was Red chased out of town a long time ago? I always imagined Red as a charismatic guy, but apparently you had a different take on him.
    Remember, this is a parallel universe. If one Red from another dimension comes here, there's two Reds running around. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough... yet.
    The chapter makes me think, which is good. I always like to wonder things when I'm reading then have a "big reveal" to find out the missing information. I hope that that's what happens here.
    I'm hoping I can pull it off right.
    However, the humor once again is a bit forced. For example, your line about the moon in the sky that actually likes "us." While it's okay to have humorous narration, don't overdue it. Honestly Zibdas, you're funny enough just being yourself. You don't need to jam in extra humor. Imagine yourself being the narrator, and how you would comment on the things happening as they happen. You'll get many more laughs like that, if that's what you're going for.
    That's not what I was going for. I was sort of hoping to have an obscyre reference in there, as well as giving the moon a persona, but if you say so, I'll stop.
    As for the battle scene, it was all right for your first battle scene, but it was too short to really evaluate.
    Yeah. It was more of a plot device, to introduce several aspecrs and Bel, and I think it did its job nicely.
    Overall, a decent chapter. Hope to see more from you soon.
    Comments in bold, may have spoilers

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    Wow, this is actually really good. There's a few typos in various places:
    Suddenly, its eyes open
    Since you're writing in the past tense, this should be opened. It should only switch to present/future tense for thoughts/speech.

    The story is really interesting. I don't mind the ridiculous amount of questions that I'm asking, since it keeps readers interested and wanting more. I sort of would have liked the battle to be longer, but it was well written.
    Last edited by Grey Wind; 29th October 2011 at 6:53 PM.
    AS:

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    I never mean to offend the writer but can someone told me what is the summary of the story??

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    Chapter Three- In Which Some of What is Happening is Finally Explained and Then Some
    He awoke in a large, dome room.

    He was surprised it was so well lit. Usually when you’re kidnapped you awake in a small dark room, or so he’d been told. He checked his Pokéballs. Nothing. Bel, or whoever that was, must’ve taken them when he was unconscious. Of course she would, he thought, facepalming. Why wouldn’t she?

    It only then occurred to him that he could see and here, something he hadn’t been able to do when he was last awake. He searched around the room, looking for any means of escape, but to his dismay he couldn’t find any.

    Tentatively standing, he tried his legs. A little sore, but nothing too bad. He started running his hand across the walls, searching for something, anything that he could use to escape. After a while, he discovered small indents along the wall, about an arms width apart. They were so perfect and small, you never would’ve realized they were there unless you knew what you were looking for.

    He looked down, and nearly jumped and smashed his head into the perfect ceiling. The floor was perfectly smooth glass, suspended over a large lake of what appeared to be lava. He suddenly became very frightened and decided the best course of action was to not move for a while.



    He must’ve fallen asleep because he woke up to the sound of grinding rocks.
    As he blearily opened his eyes, one of the indents across the room slowly widened and became bigger until he could see two figures standing in the now-doorway. It seemed impossible that the apparent hallway could be quite so dark after being so accustomed to the excruciating brightness of the dome.

    “Oh. I didn’t expect you to be… well, alive, really. Not to be pessimistic or anything, but you’re the first.” He recognized Bel’s cold voice. His suspicions were confirmed as she stepped into the light, boasting a cruel smile. She seemed much different now- her previously jet-black hair seemed now more of a silver blonde, and her dress was now more like one a general of a dark navy would wear. It even had shoulder spikes. Whoever said women were always fashion minded had never seen Bel. Not that she wasn’t sexy- she was very much. But the suit wasn’t designed for beauty. It had been designed for combat, for command… and it didn’t help that at each hip a katana hung from a strap made of black leather. It was a frightening sort of beauty.

    “Geez, Bel. Can you be any LESS boring?” the other figure said, in a bored, monotonous voice. He was frightened. Bel had intimidated him before, but this figure… It seemed more commanding, as if checking up on a prisoner was far two degrading for him. But then he stepped into the light as well, and Red’s jaw practically fell off.

    It was a young man, most likely a teen, no older than twenty five. And that was being generous. He wore a plain white tee-shirt and jeans that were two sizes too big and held up with a loose belt. At the end of his pants, each leg had a different… logo? Red wasn’t sure. One seemed to be a mass of lines almost resembling a “G”, with bright stitches around it, making it look more like a sun than anything. On the other side was something he recognized- it was the symbol for Lavender Town. It was a lavender rectangle, with several squiggly lines surrounding it and smaller squares around the bottom. And his hair… was a wreck to say the least. It was a deep blue, almost indigo, and a huge mess. It literally poked everywhere, more like the hair you would see on a manga character than anything.

    Suddenly his face broke into a large grin. “Haha! Seems like I scared ya! Oh, terribly sorry… My name’s Matrin. But you may call me Mr. or Sir…. Or Matrin! I’m Bel’s, ah… co-effortist, Lieutenant to the one and only!”

    Bel took on a glare. It was clear she didn’t like Matrin much at all. “You fool! Don’t tell him EVERYTHING! …That’s my job.”

    Matrin put on a hurt face, clearly a theatrical act. He seemed far more laid-back then Bel. Bel muted this with a smack with the hilt of one of her blades.

    “In that case, you may call me… a magician,” he spluttered.

    Bel released a soft chuckle. “I’ll flat out admit it. I’m a better battler than Matrin.”

    “It’s true…” he mumbled.

    Bel shot him a glare. “Regardless, he wishes to battle you before the master arrives. You’ll be needing these.” With that, she tossed him his Pokéballs.

    “Too late!” announced a third figure that might as well could’ve been there the whole time. Red could barely tell he was there to begin with.

    “I should… go. I have much work to do, and the Lavendites need me soon,” Matrin excused himself and quickly strode out. So he does work in Lavender then. I’ll have to remember to go there, if I can escape….Red thought.

    The figure strode in briskly. The first thing Red noticed- he was tall. At least ten feet. He soon saw why- each of his limbs was thin, and abnormally long. It was almost disturbing. His entirely body seemed to be covered in… something. It was black, but not like leather or rubber. It seemed… almost alive, and it appeared to be clinging to him, almost as if begging to be closer. He quickly noticed something else- a mask. The mask seemed to have an evil sort of glee; it seemed happy, yet entirely angry. One half, he also noticed, was a darkish grey, while the other half was bright, polished white. Behind the mask was a wave of red hair, slightly obscured by a black… hood, perhaps. Or maybe dye. Behind him, a large, tattered cape flowed behind him as he walked. It was a strange sight. He seemed hunched over, as if sitting in an invisible chair. He could clear four feet easily in one step, though he seemed to be taking his leisure time getting there. He finally stopped right next to Red and loomed over him, surveying his every feature.

    “Well, I hear you’re the one who’s been causing problems, eh? And now-“he cut off and paused for the longest of times, staring intently at Red. Or was he? It was hard to tell with the mask.

    “That’s…. not him.”

    Bel yelped, apparently taken aback. “B-but… how?!”

    “It’s him. But it’s not him. And you knew that. Why?”

    “W-well… I u-uum….”

    The newcomer’s voice took a suddenly icy edge. If voices could kill, this would be it. “I asked, why?”

    “Well… Matrin said… a-and…I didn’t believe him...”

    “Oh?”

    “Y-yes…” Bel stammered. She seemed a wreck, nothing like the murderous, icy woman Red had seen but minutes before.

    “Why… NOT?”*

    “Because… er… he’s an idiot?” Bel said, barely a whisper.

    “Idiot!” the man exclaimed exclaimed, and in one strong move he had Bel on the flour, her face purple.

    “As for you…. There’s no reason for you to be here. Likewise, there’s no reason for me to not know how you look just like… what did Bel call him? Ah, yes. ‘Carmesi’. Answer me two questions, and you’ll be off. First: What is your name?”

    Red realized he was supposed to speak here, and seemingly not of his own will, he simply said, “Red.”

    The man nodded with satisfaction. “Red… Just as I suspected. Prey tell, do you know what ‘Carmesi’ means?”

    “Er…. I have no idea, sir.” Red could tell this was an evil man. His original plan was to keep silent and say nothing, but here he was, answering all the questions. What was wrong with him?

    “It’s ‘crimson’ in Spanish. Meaning that someone here has the same, or similar name as you. I, for whatever reason, doubt this is a coincidence.”

    “Moreover, it’s interesting to note that you two look…. Impeccably similar. The same, I dare say. You can’t be twins though. I would know, On to my next question: You’re not from here, are you?”

    “No, sir.” Came Red’s somewhat muffled reply. He was trying desperately to not say anything. And besides, this WAS Kanto, wasn’t it?

    “Very good. It was interesting talking to you, Red. I’m Ventrilo. I doubt this will be the last time we meet.” Noticing Red staring at Bel, still lying on the floor in pain, added, “Oh, her? She’ll be alright. You’ve got more important things to take care of. Now, be off.”

    Seeing that as an approval for escape, Red started down the tunnel Ventrilo had come from. Who was he? And why was Red so open with this man?



    After wandering around a maze of tunnels most rawest, he finally found a trapdoor leading into a cave. He instantly recognized it as the Rock Tunnel. Scrambling down, he was glad to finally have a familiar sight.

    The trip was not a pleasant one, he realized almost immediately. The floor was much damper then he remembered. There was rocks poking out
    everywhere, so he was constantly tripping or being cut on a piece of jagged rock. The worst part was that he constantly felt like he was being watched. This wasn’t usually a problem; much of the time in Kanto some trainer or another was staring at you, waiting to make eye contact. But that was the thing. The tunnel was completely empty and deserted. Not even a Pokemon was down here.

    Eventually he saw a small light in the distance. Being the first sign of comfort he’d seen in what felt like ages, he ran right to it and smashed into a window.



    He awoke in the Lavender Town House of Memories. It had been a long time since he’d been there. The last time he was there to mourn for one of Blue’s Pokemon, and that was ages ago. When the old man noticed him awake, he introduced himself as Mr. Fuji.

    “So glad you’re up, Sleeping Beauty. We were sure you was a goner. But thankssss to dis young man dere, you’re alright!”

    Not seeing any young men, Red managed to splutter, “Wh-what happened?”

    Mr. Fuji frowned. “A mossst perpwexing ding, dat was. According to Matrin, you’d run straight into the window of his office from a tunnel and blacked out. Youf been assssleep since den.” Red, taking a while to comprehend things in his injured state, took a moment to realize who his savior had been.

    “Did you say… Matrin?!” Red cried out.

    Matrin, dressed in an unbuttoned tuxedo, top hat, and rhinestoned, sparkling pants, stepped out from behind the old man. “Yup!” he exclaimed with a smile stretched from ear to ear. He frowned for a second. “You’re not happy to see Lavender’s own savior?” he asked, disappointed.

    “What… are you talking about?” said Red, clearly at a loss for words and utterly confused.

    “Well, I help my hometown and stuff.” After a quick glance at the old man, he added, “I’ll explain more later, okay? But for now, play along.”

    Then, Matrin turned to face Mr. Fuji. Red couldn’t see either of their faces, but he saw a faint, Red glow. After a moment, Mr. Fuji crumpled to the floor, in pain and screaming “MY LEEEEEG!”.

    Matrin put on a panicked face and called out “Heart attack!” Just as quickly, two women poured in and carried the elder of Lavender out of the room. Red was dumbfounded.

    “Wh-what… was…”

    “Quiet. You don’t want to call attention. And yeah. I gave him a heart attack. Not fatal, he could still be useful to me. But I don’t want him, not here, not now.”

    Red was horrified. Giving a man a heart attack just so you could have some peace? And with just a stare? What kind of monster was this guy?

    “Okay, listen. I may not be as scientifically minded as Bel over in Ecturek, but I think I know a thing or two about magic and psychic powers, especially considering I’m a magician myself. So, here’s my hypothesis.”

    “You’re not from here. You’re from some other dimension, most likely. That would explain why there’s someone who looks exactly like you with nearly the same name. But hw did you get here? I do not know. A machine, probably. Or a Psychic type attack from a strong enough Pokemon might be able to, just barely. But that doesn’t matter. Now, before you do any other stupid things, go to Tohjo Falls. You know, Kanjoh’s divide, and the only way to get into Johto as of now.”

    “Why are you telling me all of this?” Red asked, clearly suspicious.

    Matrin flashed one of his world-class smiles. “It’s boring around here. It’s all too easy. Maybe you’ll bring some fun, shake things up.”

    “So… I’m a toy then, for your own amusement.”

    Matrin laughed. “Of course! The world is my oyster and you are my pearl. You are to bring some entertainment value while we do what we do best: make stuff hard for you.”

    “So you ARE against me then.”

    His magician shrugged. “I want to see what you can do. So, do it.”
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Sapphire Sceptile~ View Post
    Wow, this is actually really good. There's a few typos in various places:

    Since you're writing in the past tense, this should be opened. It should only switch to present/future tense for thoughts/speech.
    Fixed~
    The story is really interesting. I don't mind the ridiculous amount of questions that I'm asking, since it keeps readers interested and wanting more. I sort of would have liked the battle to be longer, but it was well written.
    Why thanks. I do very much intend for longer battles and the like, and here's a longer chapter even. Ask all the questions you want- I'll be delighted to answer them. (unless I don't want to.)
    Quote Originally Posted by menametlg View Post
    I never mean to offend the writer but can someone told me what is the summary of the story??
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...&postcount=886
    Last edited by Zibdas; 29th November 2011 at 5:48 AM.

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    Ooh, nice chapter. Some things were revealed at least.

    One thing I'd have to say is for you to proof-read before you post. There are quite a few typos throughout it :x
    AS:

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Sapphire Sceptile~ View Post
    Ooh, nice chapter. Some things were revealed at least.

    One thing I'd have to say is for you to proof-read before you post. There are quite a few typos throughout it :x
    Quite a few things.

    I went through it at least thrice. I must be stupider than I thought.

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    Holy wall of text, Batman! Lol, you should really hit enter twice in-between paragraphs so you don't get that wall of text thing like you did here.

    Your plot is very... intricate. That would probably be the best way to put it, because I'm still not entirely sure what exactly is going on. But you have me hooked, because with each new chapter, many unanswered questions arise. And even though you have looked through it thrice, there are a few errors that I still noticed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zibdas
    You’re not from here. You’re from some other dimension, most likely. That would explain why there’s someone who looks exactly like you with nearly the same name. But hw did you get here? I do not know. A machine, probably. Or a Psychic type attack from a strong enough Pokemon might be able to, just barely. But that doesn’t matter. Now, before you do any other stupid things, go to Tohjo Falls. You know, Kanjoh’s divide, and the only way to get into Johto as of now.”
    Hw should be "how" and I've never heard the term "Kanjoh" before. Is that something that's used frequently? If not, it would probably be better to say "the divider of Johto and Kanto," or something similar.

    Also, the following bothered me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zibdas
    “Idiot!” Ventrilo exclaimed, and in one strong move he had Bel on the flour, her face purple.
    At this point, you have not introduced the character Ventrilo, yet you use his name here. "Ventrilo" should be changed to "he" since Ventrilo has not said, "My name is Ventrilo" or something to that effect yet. Only after Ventrilo introduces himself should you use his name, because this is being written in a third-person limited Point of View. That means that we only know one character's (in this case, Red's) thoughts.

    Overall, a good chapter. And I would like to know one thing: Where did you get the name Ventrilo from? It sounds cool.
    Hi, I'm part of the staff on Pokemon Showdown!, if you have any questions or need any help, VM or PM me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by phoopes View Post
    Holy wall of text, Batman! Lol, you should really hit enter twice in-between paragraphs so you don't get that wall of text thing like you did here.
    Ugh, I could've sworn I did.
    Your plot is very... intricate. That would probably be the best way to put it, because I'm still not entirely sure what exactly is going on. But you have me hooked, because with each new chapter, many unanswered questions arise. And even though you have looked through it thrice, there are a few errors that I still noticed. That's what I hoped for. I'm trying to put you into the shoes of Red, thrown into an unfimilar world with knowing nothing of what's going on.



    Hw should be "how" and I've never heard the term "Kanjoh" before. Is that something that's used frequently? If not, it would probably be better to say "the divider of Johto and Kanto," or something similar.
    It's not been used before to my knowledge; nor to Red's. In this world, Kanto and Johto are one single nation, with Kanto, Johto, Sevii and Tohjo being its four provinces. Kanjoh is just a collective term, I suppose.
    Also, the following bothered me.



    At this point, you have not introduced the character Ventrilo, yet you use his name here. "Ventrilo" should be changed to "he" since Ventrilo has not said, "My name is Ventrilo" or something to that effect yet. Only after Ventrilo introduces himself should you use his name, because this is being written in a third-person limited Point of View. That means that we only know one character's (in this case, Red's) thoughts.
    It's been fixed, thanks for pointing that out.
    Overall, a good chapter. And I would like to know one thing: Where did you get the name Ventrilo from? It sounds cool.Sort of a combination of different things. Ventr- came from ventriloquist, and as has been displayed with Red, he's extremely manipulative. -ilo is often an ending from puppets, shadows, or magicians in general from what I've seen, and as powerful as he is already, this isn't the full Ventrilo. Then, Ventro was a sort of charecter that I created back in 4th grade, and he too was manipulative, so yeah. It was only after I started the fic that I found out that Ventrilo is also a sort of microphone prgram.
    Comments in bold

    Thanks for your support!

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    Chapter 4- The Chapter Where Everything gets Confusing Again. Also Saffron.
    He was released from the House of Memories a few days later.

    His legs were sore, and his face was a bright pink from smashing into glass, but other than that he was fine. As he was close to leaving Lavender Town, he sighed. He loved how peaceful, though creepy, the town was. Off in the distance, he saw an Ursaring playfully chase some children. In front of the Pokémart, he saw a Meowth snoozing happily on a rainbow blanket, a half-eaten pop-tart resting on its chest. It was so peaceful, and here he was, about to walk into what seemed like an eternity of travelling, restlessness, and fights.

    He went down to Lavender’s Town Gate, which had only been recently installed. Under normal circumstances, he would’ve head up through the Rock Tunnel, but seeing as it was flooded and led straight into the domed chamber, he decided to be ‘normal’ and go through Route 8, towards Saffron City and ultimately Tohjoh.

    “So young man, what do I for you today?” The enthusiastic guard asked as soon as Red walked in.

    “Well…. Can I ask some questions?” Red asked after thinking a while.
    “NO.” The guard burst into laughter and quickly added “I mean, yes. ‘Course. What’s on your mind?”

    “Well…. What’s all this Tohjoh and Kanjoh stuff? I mean, they’re completely new to me.”

    The guard nodded. “Do you know what’s new to ME?! You.” With that, the guard absolutely lost it in a fit of high-strung giggles.

    “You’re not very helpful,” Red remarked, frowning a little.

    The guard started crying, but stopped suddenly. “It’s okay, Guard. You’ll be alright.” He then proceeded to pat himself on the back before resuming in a strangely monotonic manner. “Kanjoh is the official name for the unified purposes of the following four provinces: Sevii, consisting of a chain of islands followed by a large mountain in the middle of the ocean; Kanto, the region we are standing in now; Johto, the land to the far west of Kanto, housing many unique Pokemon and many a large monument; and Tohjoh, consisting of a series of caves, plains ravines, valleys and mountains that is considered by many the official border of both Kanto and Johto. This region is often considered the most important, despite its small size, housing Mt. Silver, Indigo League, and Tohjoh Falls.”

    Red nodded in satisfaction and ran out to Route 8 before the guard could chat any longer.



    Route 8 was simply beautiful.

    Or it would be if he hadn’t tripped and sprained his ankle the first step on a Pokéball. After examining the Pokéball further, he realized that instead of housing a Pokemon, it had a Nugget inside. How odd, he though and simply pocketed the nugget without another thought.

    Correction: He would’ve not had another though if it weren’t for the fact that Mr. Fuji popped up from a nearby bush, screamed, “MIIINE! THASSS MIINE!” and tackled him. Pinned down by the man’s surprising strength, he managed to finally say audible words.

    “Th-this is yours?”

    “Yesss.”

    “Why was it in a Pokéball, in the middle of the street?”

    Seemingly bored of conversation, the old man bit Red’s arm, got off, and kicked him. Frustrated, Red chucked the Nugget over the high walls of Lavender. And with that, the old man bounded after it as if he was a child again.

    Shaking his head, he realized how short the route really was. It was eerily quiet, like the Rock Tunnel. No people out. Soon, seeing a notice tacked onto a board, he realized why.

    Wanted Criminal on the Loose!
    Goes by the names of: Red, Crimson, Rojo, and Nacho Caliente.
    Wanted for spreading vicious rumours, unauthorized unconscious, terrible battling skill, and breathing most foul
    Reward: $12,000, a private seyounce from Lavender’s own Matrin, and a day with Bel. Can be redeemed in both Ecturek or Celadon. No purchase necessary
    Please stay out of Routes, as he is prone to lurking.
    ~Wanted Alive, or at least zombified~
    At the bottom, it had a rough sketch of himself, though clearly made from memory. Last he checked, he didn’t have a goatee, or a 12 inch nose, or even blonde hair. He then noticed a small notice tacked onto the bottom of that one.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~We know that won’t keep you inside city boundaries.
    So thus, party in Saffron, today!
    (thus, everyday)
    Visitors frowned upon, though tolerated
    (Also, whoever stole the S. S. Libra that was headed for Vermillion, please return it. Thank you.)

    So, that explained the emptiness of Rout 8, at least. He decided to keep going. After all, who would miss a city wide party?



    He was instantly glad he decided to stay a while in Saffron.

    It was one of the largest cities in the world, and all of it was having a massive party. At least half the people were insanely drunk, making it hard to move and have conversation, but at the same time making it that much more fun. He might have had some himself. He wasn’t sure. People were shoving food and drinks into his face, and not wanting to come off as rude, took and ate them all. Many were truly amazing dishes. Others, a somewhat strange taste. One in particular seemed to be made of chicken nuggets, but actually tasted more like raw eggs.

    And over the course of the day, the party got wilder and wilder.

    Many people were begging him to set him free, but why, he had no idea. Everyone, even those people, had a smile plastered on their faces that stretched their faces to the limits. He decided to keep moving and go on to Celadon, but discovered that the gatekeepers had all passed out and the gates were hastily jammed shut, seemingly welded together even,

    It was then that he realized his Pokéballs were gone again. It dawned on him that someone must’ve taken them, and he began panicking more than ever. Frantically searching the ground in a futile dream of having merely dropped them, he realized his adventure was all over. The people acted stranger- they were still broadly smiling, but their voices were panicked. He couldn’t understand a word they said, but he recognized the tone. They wanted help, from what or who he did not know.

    It was getting later and later, but Red realized he was still as pumped up and full of energy as he was when he first arrived. Everyone was. They were carrying on the party, but their eyes and voices were panic-stricken.

    All the buildings were locked too. Red tried every one of them. Nobody else seemed to mind, or even notice for that matter. And then his watch notified him that it was midnight, and it got quiet.

    Walking out of the small alleyway that he’d been hiding in, he saw everyone lying on the streets, as if they’d all simultaneously fainted. But that wouldn’t have been the case. Their eyes were still open, and everyone was watching him.

    It was almost pitch black out there, but his watch and his Pokédex provided some faint, reassuring light. The silence was overwhelming. He’d never heard a place so mute before in his life. It was as if someone had just turned the volume down on the entire city until it was at zero.

    As scared as he was, he’d never been quite as freaked out as when he heard a small, pleasant but murderous voice. “Hello. Beautiful star, isn’t it?”

    Red slowly turned around, and came face-to-face with a katana. The wielder of the katana was more surprising; it was Bel. Last he’d seen her, she was lying on the floor of the domed room, reeling in pain. She looked just as malicious as she had then, and boasted a cold, smiling expression. She was once again wearing the sundress Red had first seen her in. She looked fine, and her face was only a little pink and barely swollen.

    Red merely stared at her, afraid to speak, so she resumed. “Who would’ve thought you’d be here? What a pleasant surprise.” Twirling the katana around in a noticeably show-offy manner, she sheathed it, allowing Red to relax.

    Red looked her over skeptically, and she raised her hands in mock surrender. “I didn’t come to kill you. If I had my way, I would’ve blown the place up,” She sighed. “Truth be told, I didn’t think you’d be here. This is quite unfortunate.”

    Choosing his words carefully, he asked, “What do you mean?”

    Bel chuckled slightly. “Well, you ARE immune to the curse. From what Matrin has told me, you come from another dimension. Imagine that. But anyway, turns out this curse only affects those from here, this dimension. I can’t have you running around, telling other what you’ve seen here.” She smiled ever so slightly. “Not that they’d believe you anyway, but some might.”

    Red wanted to run, but something was holding him back. “How’d you accomplish this anyway? What do you want with these people?”

    She shrugged. “Matrin did the curse. I merely supervised. Now the Master wants me to be here to pick them up. He didn’t say why. But I also made a very nice diversion, no?”

    Red was about to ask what she meant, when he turned and realized most of the people had disappeared, and saw a truck driving away. As he turned back, he saw she had escaped, most likely on the back of the truck. Her cackles rang throughout the city, sharp piercing noises.

    And then he passed out from exhaustion.

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    As requested, my review!

    I'll agree that the plot is certainly interesting here as others said, certainly (which it was when I read the summary as well), and some parts of the description was nice to read as well. (And I also like the reasoning of the people over who to bring Red to - 'Because she's hot' certainly turned out to be an acceptable reason =p). I think the thing that needs addressing most in the story would be clarity and overwording things however as some things seemed a bit confusing to me, while other parts felt a bit redundant. But I think I'll mention that as I go through these quotes.

    Red stood there, staring into the darkness. It was such an empty feeling… he could see only the faint outline of the slow water and some green glows off in the distance. That wasn’t what he was after though. He was after something more… magnificent. Something more practical to own, and that would bring much fame.
    For instance, this seemed a bit vague to me - I could tell that he wanted something precious and so forth but given the wording here, it seems that you're telling us that he wasn't after... slow water and green glows, because that's what is directly before that part. Only in the next paragraph do you mention that he was looking at crystals, but that's only after I wondered 'what does this mean'. The last sentence also sounds a bit odd to me; I'd suggest something like '...to own, something that would bring...' or '...to own and bring much fame.', as the 'that would' bit sounds rather unnecessary to me.
    And with that, he got in the small canoe he had found and sailed off.



    The canoe was not built for comfort. It was metal, and the water was freezing cold. So the canoe was freezing cold. With that logic, Red soon became freezing cold.
    I find the scene separators of ellipses a bit odd to use as a beside (given that they double as ellipses and you've used them as such too), so I'd suggest using something else. However in this case I don't feel any scene separator is needed there as it reads fine without it.

    Watch for repetition too; you mentioned 'freezing cold' thrice in that part of the paragraph. I'd argue that most of it isn't necessary either because writing it that way means you're slowly telling us facts rather than showing us the facts.

    In other words - you're currently saying 'Water was cold. Canoe was cold. Therefore red = cold.' This however could be easy enough for the reader to pick up upon; if you for instance mention the water is cold and Red shivered when he touched the metal canoe, then we can easily conclude that Red is also cold because he shivered. That's just one example on how to go about it; just try more in the way of showing us details rather than stating them slowly and slowing down the pace of the story unnecessarily as a result.

    The same could be applied in other instances as well; such as shortly after the whole bit about Ash being worried about Pikachu ejecting electricity and that being dangerous because they were around water was... a bit too carefully explained when it should be obvious to the average reader that water + excited Pikachu = not good.
    Someone was approaching it. Clearly it was not prepared for this. But he seemed ready enough; though Red couldn’t help but notice that he kept glancing behind it, as if anticipating something. Seeing that nothing was happening, it went into full panic mode. It made this high pitched screaming noise.
    The bolded part feels a bit contradictory given you state it wasn't prepared and then went into 'full panic mode'... and the third sentence feels a bit awkward with the use of the semicolon too personally. Some rewording may be in order, although I feel the main thing to focus on is again the showing rather than telling thing mentioned (instead of telling us that it wasn't prepared, describe something that shows to us that it isn't prepared - faster breathing, perhaps? Or a jump when it noticed Red? And you already have a screaming noise too).

    I'll also mention one minor thing; some of the description reads a bit like you're telling us the story on the street in person rather than a written novel. The place this occurs here is in the last sentence - 'It made this high pitched screaming noise' sounds like the former, when 'It made a high pitched...' fits better. As said minor, but it does have the effect of distracting from the story or making it sound a bit strange.
    Must be one of those Unovan Pokémon I heard about on the news the other day, Red thought absently.
    I'd suggest some italics or something else (e.g. 'thought', Red mused) for thoughts like that. More a presentation thing though that can make it easier for a reader to instantly realise 'someone's thinking now rather than talking/this being part of the narration'.
    “Well well well… what have we got here? You again?” She said in a cold, yet slightly amused manner.
    As the part following the dialogue doesn't work as its own sentence and is related to the dialogue (it tells us who said it and how it was said), treat the whole part here as one sentence and hence don't use a capitalised She, but rather 'she'. (Otherwise you're effectively using a capitalised word in the Middle of a sentence [like so], which looks odd/is grammatically incorrect). So for instance:
    You seem… different somehow. I’ll find out soon enough, don’t you worry.” She said, seemingly enjoying the panic in his eyes.
    this 'She' should also be 'she', and you'd also want to use a comma there instead of a full stop after 'worry'. There's other instances of this later on too, just so you know.
    Now here was something e understood.
    Watch for minor typos like that too (he rather than e).
    Behind the mask was a wave of red hair, slightly obscured by a black… hood, perhaps. Or maybe dye
    Another case of the description seeming a bit too uncertain and informal - as if you were talking to me and trying to recall details. I'm guessing this may though be from Red's viewpoint but it isn't apparent given most of the story is from 3rd person narration, so it reads like it still from that perspective. For instance you could reword that as '...slightly obscured by what appear to be a black hood, although Red mused that it may have been simply dyed hair.' which is more formal and keeps the feeling that this description is happening in the story.

    I'll also mention that around that part the description of new characters seemed rather listy, in that you suddenly stopped to give us a long paragraph of details about clothing and hair and so forth. I feel that it would be better if you spread out such details during the dialogue - not just for our main villain but other characters too.
    Seeing that as an approval for escape, Red started down the tunnel Ventrilo had come from. Who was he? And why was Red so open with this man?
    And another - it somewhat sounds odd this as it seems that either you changed straight into the viewpoint of the narrator mid-paragraph, or Red decided to think of himself in third person in the last sentence.
    “So young man, what do I for you today?” The enthusiastic guard asked as soon as Red walked in.
    Like other instances, that 'The' should be a 'the'.
    So, that explained the emptiness of Rout 8, at least.
    Missing an e there. On that note - there was no mention beforehand that Route 8 had been empty, so this felt out of the blue.

    Lastly... Mr Fuji's behaviour seemed a bit too odd to me, even if this is merely a parallel world version of him. The whole scene in the last chapter with him although amusing felt off and out of place for the story, personally, given the more serious nature of the majority of the fic and themes of brainwashing, induced heart attacks and so forth... maybe more fitting for a crack fic rather than this, in other words. The heart attack thing felt odd to me as well - there was no real need for him to do that if he didn't want him that - far easier ways would have been possible imo, so if there was another reason (e.g. he enjoyed it) then it could be mentioned then and there.

    Overall it's certainly not bad - quite interesting - I just feel it needs some polishing in the parts mentioned to make it better is all. In summary, try to show things with description rather than tell, and make sure things appear clear to the reader without over-explaining - try to find the right balance between the two. Good luck with the rest!

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
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  19. #19
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    Without further ado, Chapter 5!
    Chapter 5- In Which Another Character Appears, and Stuff Happens Because of Said Appearance
    Red woke to what could very well accurately described as a dead city.

    All the buildings but Silph Co had seemingly lost their colour. A cloud of what seemed to be ash hung low over the city, obscuring the sun or whatever astral bodies were up there. He had no idea what time it was as he realized his watch was missing. He realized that the gates were still welded shut, and selected two of his three functioning Pokeballs and tossed them into the air. A large tortoise with a flower sprouting from its back and a red dragon with flames for a tail appeared before him.

    “Charizard, melt as much of the gate as you can. Venusaur, use your Razor Leaf on everything else.” The two Pokemon nodded their approval and instantly got to work. Charizard blasted monstrous flames out of his mouth while Venusaur got to work firing leaves sharper than swords at the gate. Within minutes it was a pile of sludge and pieces at the foot of the guardhouse.

    Red smiled in satisfaction, a first in days, and recalled his Pokemon. He walked into the Silph Co building. He had to see something.

    After about an hour he finally found an operational computer. Scared slightly, he clicked on the lower-right corner of the monitor to pull up the date and shuddered. It was just as he feared. He had been in Saffron for a week, not a day.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Elsewhere, on the other side of the Kanjoh Territories….

    A young man finally stopped and yielded to his fatigue. He had been running for almost three hours, in an attempt to put as much distance between the port town of Olivine and himself. He was now just outside of Mahogany Town, the neighbor of the Lake of Rage. He lay there, in the dirt, enjoying the feeling of absolute motionlessness. He finally coaxed himself into getting up; there’d be no point in lying in the dirt, especially if he was caught. He had been in Olivine trying to fight off a doctor of some sort, who to his dismay, was a surprisingly skilled battler. They had both agreed to a one on one battle, and the doctor’s Gyarados had been more than a match for his Leavanny. He sat up, remembering the moment.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK TIME~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Carmesi stood on the edge of the dock, the wind blowing his jet-black hair and his trench coat back. It would’ve been a great sensation if he wasn’t about to fight a man who claimed to be there on a trip for medicine. He knew instantly that this man wasn’t there for that reason. If the man truly was looking for medicine, he would’ve been looking in the small Cianwood Isle, located down south of Olivine, not in Olivine itself.

    The man chuckled and shook his head, almost sad to see what will happen. “Before we begin, you make call me… ah… Jill. Yes, the dark lord Jill!”

    He stared blankly at the man named Jill. “…Isn’t Jill a girl’s name?”

    The man practically flung himself backwards in shock. “FOOL! Jill is what I shall be called for now, and you shall call me it… NOW.”

    The sun was rising slowly over the crisp morning, scattering much of the fog and giving him a clear view of Jill. Jill had spiked grey hair that seemed to come straight from an explosion, it was that untidy. He had a pair of pure silver ski goggles obscuring his eyes as well as much of his face, and a long white lab coat to boot. He had a half loose belt with many Pokeballs chained to it- much more than 6. He figured they must’ve been extras, as he had six more hanging on a loop around his neck.

    Jill cackled when he saw him staring. “:You like? I believe they call me fantabulous for something.”

    Jill’s opponent didn’t mind letting his doubt show. “Riiiight…. I TOTALLY believe you. Yep. This is even my “believing you face”, the one that’s on my face right now.”

    Jill apparently didn’t catch on. “Why thank you, stupid. I’m sorry for calling you stupid but you are stupid. Anyway, where were we? Oh right. Gyarados, let’s do it!” he called as he unhinged a Pokeball from his necklace and carelessly tossed it into the ocean. Within a few moments a large snake-like dragon erupted from the crystalline depths.

    The man nodded slightly and selected a Pokeball from his own pocket and tossed it into the air. Instantly, a large, leafy insect appeared and made a shrill yipping noise, as if to say to the world that it was out once more.

    Jill quickly brought out his Pokedex and scanned it. “LEAVANNY,” the Pokedex bgan, “THE NURTURING POKEMON. IT KEEPS LEAVES AN-“

    “Enough of you,” Jill said, cutting off the dismayed Pokedex. “You ready Gyarados?”

    “GRRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWWW!” the Gyarados roared its approval eagerly.

    “Then let’s begin,” the man said, impatient. “Levanny, Razor Leaf!”

    Chirping excitedly, the grasshopper Pokemon formed leaves on the tips of its forelegs, then flung them in a flurry at Gyarados.

    “…Tch! Not going down that easy! Ice Beam, Gyarados!”

    Gyarados took in a breath large enough to make it appear nearly twice its size, then let loose with a beam of pure ice, greatly damaging Leavanny.

    “And thus, neither shall I! Leavanny, you’re too badly damaged. Synthesis followed by another Razor Leaf!”

    Leavanny did a short dancing motion and her whole body lit up. She then conjured more of the sharp leaves and hurled them at the Gyarados…

    And on and on this went. Back and forth they carried these same actions over and over again. Eventually, Jill got sick of it, it seemed.

    “MORONS! Morons, the whole lot of you! Gyarados, Dragon Pulse, right on the boardwalk. I have a call to make…” he muttered as he walked away, leaving Gyarados alone with the two and smiling viciously.

    “GRAAWWOOOAARR!” the mighty dragon roared, and shot out a wave of fire that almost seemed to be in the shape of miniature dragons.

    Realizing what was happening too late, the man and his Pokemon broke into a run. They barely had escaped and were starting down the city’s main street when they smashed right into a man, who seemed to be yelling at the villagers to revolt. “Oh, speak of the devil.” He said, and suddenly every villager had their eyes on him. He recognized the face from a previous encounter much alike to this one.

    “Ventrilo,” he growled.

    “Oh yes. It’s nice and all that you remember my name, Carmesi. Now,” he said as he turned to the villagers, “get him.”
    ~~~~~~~~~
    Red was proud. He had somehow managed to clear through all of the trainers and wild Pokemon on Route 7 in under the time it took you to read through that flashback.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    It was a reassuring sight to; it had been so long since he had seen humans that were neither trying to kill him or cursed. Instead, they all seemed to be content in merely battling Red, which was good. It had also been a long time since he’d had a proper battle; if he’d done his math correctly he’d been here almost three weeks now.

    True, he was unconscious for most of it, but that didn’t matter. Three weeks… he thought, only now grasping the direness of the situation. He had an awful lot to think about, now that he’d realized just how long he’d been gone…
    ~~~~~~~~~~
    Waking up from the most glorious nap, Carmesi rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t quite remember what he had dreamed, but he was glad. Ever since his first encounter with Ventrilo and started keeping notes on him and his minions, he had been having terrible nightmares. He could never quite remember them, but they induced a cold sweat, never a good sign.
    ~~~~~~~~~~
    Trying out his legs, he stood up and packed up his sleeping bag. Taking out a fold-up shovel from his pack, he struck some rocks to create a miniature avalanche and bury his campground. No point in giving them any sort of means of tracking him down.
    ~~~~~~~~~~
    He threw his pack down on the rocks. There was one more thing he had to do. Searching through the pack, he finally found what he was looking for and pulled it out, admiring it from as many angles as possible. It may not have been much, but it saved his life time and time again. It was the most basic disguise out there- a set of glasses, complete with fake nose, moustache and eyebrows. Sliiping it on, he already felt more clever, and gathered his things.


    Buttoning his coat, he finally walked into Mahogany.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Red stepped into Celadon for the first time in nearly a month. It was just as clustered as before, only this time all the people were carrying about their normal lives, not debating on whether they should turn him in to their sexy leader or the one who had gripped their hearts, seemingly in more ways then one.

    After fanticizing about 50 ways how his entrance could’ve been, he finally made his way to Rainbow Square, only to be greeted by a surprise. He somewhat expected Bel, sure. But he didn’t expect the man she was with. Hiding behind a column sporting the Rainbow Badge all over it, he tuned into their conversation.

    “…so, yeah. I finally got the Saffronites out of the city.”

    “Hm? Did the master even ever say why?”

    He heard Bel sigh here. “He didn’t respond the first time, and I couldn’t find him all today or yesterday.”

    He heard the man grunt. “I saw him earlier.”

    Bel gave a surprised yelp. “What?! Where?”

    “Some idiot tried to stop me over in Olivine. Ventrilo came and… shook things up a bit, you could say.”

    Red had heard enough. Obviously no more knowledge could be gained from this. Stalking off, he decided to go into the Pokemart. Maybe something there could lighten his spirits.

    ~~~~~~~~~

    “You callin’ me sleazy?” the overwhelmingly obese shopkeeper asked in a slow, Italian accent, as if just speaking was tiring enough.

    Carmesi sighed under his breath. “No, I’m just saying. 3000 Pokedollars is too much for a candy bar.”

    “A RAGE Candy Bar.” The shopkeeper corrected, clearly annoyed.
    At this point, Carmesi was fed up with trying to haggle with the man, so he merely stormed out without making a single purchase.

    “You’ll regret this!” the shopkeeper called, wagging a fist, clearly a stretch of his own capability. The arm fell to his side as the man toppled over, completely out of breath. Carmesi merely shook his head and decided to go out on the Lake of Rage to clear his mind.

    The short pathway to the lake took no more than a minute to clear. For whatever reason, wild Pokemon in this region seemed to be repelled by him. He didn’t care. His team was good enough.

    Reaching the lake, he stared out into the vastness of its pure, blue beauty. It had been kept nearly untouched by human hands for so long now. The last time any sort of artificial thing of any sort that had touched the lake’s rich soil was when Mahogany was built around the lake instead of south of it. He faintly recalled from a history lesson that it had all been demolished except for a single fisherman’s hut. Something to do with some Gyarados and a rip in the very fabric of space or something. He made a mental note to return to the Trainer’s School after this was all over.

    Suddenly remembering he was on a mission, he sighed. The peace had been great, but he had to return to Tohjoh, especially after what he had found at Olivine.

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Red had been socializing with several of the townsfolk when he saw a top hat predominantly rising over the crowd. Excusing himself, he began to pursue the owner, recognizing the fine silk stitches of the hat.

    Shoving people aside and slipping in between others, he miraculously managed to catch up to the owner, and as gentlemanly as he could, tapped his shoulder as swiftly and with the power as you would if he was jabbing the man’s shoulder.

    Yelping, the man turned around angrily, but seeing who it was, his expression conformed to more of a confused, almost absent one.

    “Oh. It’s you,” Matrin said absently, pointing out the obvious.

    “Yes, it is. Now, I have some ques-“ Red began.

    Matrin held up a finger, cutting him off. “All in due time. But for now, I’m late and for a very important date to boot,” he said before dashing off once more and disappearing into the waves of the crowd.

    “Some mentor,” Red grumbled as he started heading for the Pokecenter to give his Pokemon a rest.

    ~~~~~~~~~

    Arriving at Blackthorn, Carmesi resumed wearing his disguise. He loved it. While wearing it, he became a completely different persona. He spoke with a mild German accent, or so he’d been told. He had no idea what a “Germa” was or why speaking gruff made them have a similar accent.

    Seeing nothing of interest, he decided to visit a small store stall and stock up on Potions before heading on to Tohjoh. Realizing the shopkeeper was asleep, he gruffly tapped the man’s shoulder.

    Raising his head as one if they were just waking up, he saw a wave of smoke grey glasses and then some silver goggles. “Hello Carmesi,.” Jill said pleasantly, “We’ve been expecting you.”
        Spoiler:- bNb'S REVIEW:


    Alright, many thanks. I'll take care of these.... soon. Probably. *not lazy*
    Last edited by Zibdas; 29th November 2011 at 5:50 AM.

  20. #20
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    Great fanfic. Things are still kinda confusing.
    I'm wondering how he's gonna get out of The Kanjoh regions. Perhaps Cerulean Cave?
    Also, is Matrin an executive of the Masked-Man's organization? Or is he a separate leader of his own organization/business?

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by GenosectArceus View Post
    Great fanfic. Things are still kinda confusing.
    I'm wondering how he's gonna get out of The Kanjoh regions. Perhaps Cerulean Cave?
    Also, is Matrin an executive of the Masked-Man's organization? Or is he a separate leader of his own organization/business?
    Oh, hey! I remember you!

    And I like confusing stories. They make life oh so interesting~

    And yes, Matrin's one of Ventrilo's admins.

  22. #22
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    Chapter 6: Escape
    Carmesi learnt something he never really thought about; what it felt like to have no body.

    “Welcome Carmesi,” Jill said pleasantly, “We’ve been expecting you.”

    There was about a thousand things he wanted to do. Punch him. Run. Scream and wail like a little girl, perhaps. But instead, Jill produced a long, metal club from no where, and swung it wildly, smacking Carmesi square in the face and forcing him to the ground. Smiling wickedly, Jill stood over him, grey, smoky hair flying back with the wind. Of course he couldn’t see his eyes with those silvery glasses, but he imagined they must’ve had a wild, crazed look in them.

    “Good night,” Jill said in a mock-maternal tone, and stuck out the palm of his hand. ?Everything but them two faded into nonexistence. He could see thousands upon thousands of screaming faces off in the background, encircling the two. Drawing steadily closer, Carmesi began to panic. His hair felt warm and sticky from the blood that was almost definitely pouring out. His captor took no notice of anything as his face broke out into a bigger and wilder look. And as sudden as it had started, it was over.

    He did the only thing that came to mind. “Am I dead?” he asked to now one in particular. The only problem was, he didn’t say it. He tried, but he didn’t have a body to say it with. His body was shattered, though his conscious was clearer than ever, one of the strangest sensations he had ever felt. He hadn’t an ability to touch, feel, speak, hear, smell, nothing. Yet he COULD see. Off in the distance he could hear what seemed to be giggles followed by moans. Except he obviously didn’t hear them, having no ears. He just knew that that’s what was happening there.

    Then he could see the silvery goggles again, staring right at him. “You’re awake,” he sensed the presence in front of him say. “How inconvenient.” He saw flashes of a baseball bat rapidly approaching him, and the whole scene faded once more, ending with the goggles just floating beside him…

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Carmesi woke up in a small, cramped room of which he assumed to be an office. He was lying in a swivel chair in front of a desk with several computer monitors, a TV and many papers and pens strewn about. On the desk, one single paper was standing out to him, in red ink and decorated with shiny star stickers and everything. Looking it over it seemed to be a monologue of some sort, or a script for a commercial. With nothing better to do, he read it aloud.

    “You probably thought this Stantler was alive,
    and this Mightyena was alive,
    and this Unfezant was alive.
    Nope! They're not. They're dead.
    They've been taxidermized by Chuck Gonzap.
    Eclo Canyon taxidermy.
    I specialize in the most lifelike dead pokémon. Period.


    Onlooker: "Look at that Sawsbuck driving a car!"
    "Nope! It's just Chuck Gonzap."

    Young woman: "Oh no! There's a Beartic in my bed!"
    "Nope! Chuck Gonzap."

    Man on phone: "Hold on a second. There's a Liepard feeding on a Deerling out on my deck."
    "Nope! Just Chuck Gonzap with another realistic mount.

    Ship to me from anywhere. Call Chuck Gonzap for the most lifelike dead pokémon around. Period.

    Lady: "Did that Rhyhorn just order a drink?"
    "Nope!"

    <disclaimer> Chuck Gonzap does not taxidermize pets.”

    Mildly disturbed but highly less bored now, Carmesi filtered through the rest of the papers. None quite as interesting as the first, but he did find several coupons for “Wally’s Perfume Shoppe” down in Verdanturf of the Hoenn region. That would be useful, if he ever did go to Hoenn. Extremely bored, he decided to go to sleep when a small strip of paper caught his eye.

    Following the long strip to its origin, he discovered that it had hastily been stuffed into a Filing Cabinet. Using his pocket knife as a lever, he managed to somehow pry the lock off and look inside. He was not disappointed. It had a small address: 1337 Fourth Crevice Road, Fortune Island, Sevii, followed by a small emblem depicting a Pokéball enshrouded in what appeared to be purple mist. Realizing immediately what this was, he pocketed it just as the door slammed open. Jill rushed in, coat and hair flying around wildly, looking like a mess. Looking around frantically, he finally spotted Carmesi and flashed a devious smile.

    “So. How’d you like having your soul ripped from your body?”

    “So that’s what that was…” Carmesi trailed off.

    “’Course. I ripped your soul from your body, flying it across the region as well as mine, and since souls can’t just roam around, you know, lawsuits and everything, their bodies are warped to them. The most efficient teleportation method.” He replied with a slight smirk.

    “So why are you telling me all this, Jill?”

    Jill’s face paled quickly. “I… er… didn’t. And don’t call me Jill!”

    “But you said your name was Jill! Which, incidentally, is a chick’s name.”

    “LIIIES!” Jill roared, and rushed towards Camresi with the club, swinging it extra hard with all the momentum.

    Standing over Carmesi’s unconscious figure, he muttered, “That’s for making fun of my name,” and walked off to get the gauze.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Rubbing his head, warm and sticky from the blood that had undoubtedly rushed free of him, Carmesi stood up, moaning slightly in pain. Three beatings plus something that you could compare to death within 48 hours? Forget about it. Yet here he was, laying in the same cramped office as before.

    Getting to his knees, he realized the place had been much cleaner than before. Everything quite literally sparkled. He felt dreadfully out of place, being clothed in clothing that had many rips, holes, burns and stains throughout the years of use. Countless bruises, grime, cuts, scars, and general wounds plagued his body. His long, jet-black hair was an absolute wreck. Plus, he stunk. He reeled at his own flavour of stench.

    Grimacing slightly, he realized the door had been left ajar. Feeling like James B**d (he forgot the middle two letters, copyright issues and all), he pocketed the key and stepped outside. It appeared to be a long hallway. Glancing down both ends and seeing that the coast was clear either way, he picked left and snuck hurriedly, pressing himself against the strangely smooth wall.

    Listening closely, he marched triumphantly down the hall. The whole building, whatever its purpose seemed empty. It was eerily quiet, so he started humming a tune his grandma taught him, about a town with an abyss, a windmill, and an entire colosseum of its own. He marched snazzily down the hall, breaking into a strut showcasing utmost pride. Humming loudly, banging his feet into the ground, triumphantly yet stupidly grinning, he never realized what lay ahead until it was too late.

    Not seeing where he had hone, he had walked right into a large, buff mena. He grinned. “Problem?” he asked, in a mock-concern tone.

    “Er…” said Carmesi, missing his beat entirely. “Yes. There is a problem.” His brain working furiously, he began to think of some way to escape the mess. “There’s a, er…. Leaky toilet fountain upstairs, and, um…. Boys! Loads of fellas. Crazy guys down there. Possibly even a nice one. Who’s to say at this stage? And, ah, a boy band as well! They haven’t seen you in years. And… you’ve got a, um… yacht! There’s a yacht down there! Because it crashed! INTO THE BASEMENT!”

    The man seemed unimpressed. “I drove the yacht into it. As for the boys, they’re prolly just the sla- I mean, imports from Celadon.” Raising an eyebrow, he asked, “Anything else of concern?”

    Carmesi could practically feel the panic slapping him in the face. “Well, you’re standing there. And, well, what are you doing? You’re asking yourself, “Why should I go downstairs?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Guess who’s down there? Your parents! You’re not adopted after all! Guess I should’ve mentioned this earlier. But I didn’t. So go on, and reunite with mommy and daddy.” Seeing the man’s resolve starting to crack, he resumed talking once more. “There’s… the robot clone of the old manager. They say you can still hear his wistful moans. Absolutely terrifying. Though obviously not meaningful in any way.”

    The man lost it there, and after giving Carmesi a quick glance and sprinted toward the stairs. Realizing that he had dropped his keys, Carmesi pocketed those too. Smiling slightly, he walked down the hall until he saw something of interest. Two locked doors, side by side, both marked with incredibly potential things. One read “Lady Bel’s Dressing Room”, and the other “Weapon Storage”, followed by a small, taped on side-note that read “Housing Storage-napping Automatic Gun Machine until further notice.”

    On one hand, the weapons and other contents of the one room would be remarkable. On the other, Bel’s dressing room. He could feel his cheeks getting hot already. Deciding, much to his mind’s dismay, to not allow himself to be distracted, he found the one, single-use emergence skeleton key on the key loop the man had dropped. Jamming it into the key slot, he turned it and stepped inside.

    He wished had chosen Bel’s room.
    ~~~~~~~~~

    First thing he had noticed: The whole room was completely empty. He only then realized that the door had slammed shut behind him and lacked a doorknob of any sort. As soon as he realized he was trapped, he discovered that the back wall was actually a large TV monitor as it lit up, revealing none other than Bel’s face, laughing at him.

    Realizing that the monitor was now on, she stopped and put on a more serious face. “If I had known that you’d be THAT easy to trap, I’d have just dangled a turkey leg over a rope. Cheaper too.” She paused to catch her breath from her latest giggling spree. Realizing what she’d done, she conformed her face in a serious, far-away look. “Oh yes. We’re blowing the place up. We’re done with it.” Smiling maliciously, she added, “Have fun!” and ended the transmission.

    Pausing for a moment to consider his predicament, he laughed. There had been no explosives. It was only then that he realized what was happening, All the tiles spun as if on an axis to reveal a large number of explosives. Standing on a pile of what would most likely be his downfall, he considered his predicament. Despite the optimist he was, he admitted that it did not look good. The TV flared up again, only this time displaying a countdown starting at one hour and going down painfully fast. Glancing around the room, he saw nothing that could possibly help him. Desperate, he took a stick of some dynamite-like substance and started beating it against her door. No luck. Frustrated, he picked up one of the heavier explosives and chucked it at the wall. It ripped right through, as if the wall was nothing more than water. Mystified, Carmesi stepped forward and examined the now tattered wall. He smiled. Plaster.

    Feeling like the luckiest guy in the world, he stepped through the hole and back into the hallway. All of the walls were now just giant monitors, showing how much time he had left. Running out of options, he reached into a pack and selected a single Pokeball. “Go, Blastoise! Let’s do this!” he yelled, throwing the Pokeball high into the air, where it emitted a fl;ash of red energy to release the large turtle Pokemon.

    Blastoise eyed nervously the explosives he was standing on. With a wild look in his eye to match the one in Jill’s, Carmesi smiled in a crazy sort of manor, not reassuring Blastoise one bit. Carmesi chuckled. “Aw, come on ‘Stoise. If you fear death, you ain’t got anything worth living for.” Checking himself in the overly-shiny TV screens, he instructed Blastoise to lay on the ground and retract its limbs and head. Eyeing his master with a mix of approval, wariness, and absolute fear, he obeyed. Camresi jumped onto the poor Pokemon, but the shell was able to hold him up.

    “All right! Blastoise, Hydro Pump!” Wildly looking around, Blastoise obeyed and was rocketed along with hismaster down the long corridor as the clock ticked down. Forty minutes. Could they make it out in forty minutes? They had no idea what they were doing or where they were going, but they were fast. They rammed through any walls or doors that attempted to hamper their progress in vain. “Force your way!” Carmesi whooped as they rocketed right through another wall.

    The place was really trying everything to stop them. The heat all the explosives were producing were literally tearing the building apart. Many times, a banister or column would collapse, usually nearly flattening them. Carmesi urged his Blastoise to shoot harder. If one of those landed in front of them, he doubted even Blastoise’s sheer force could smash them. More than once a ceiling pane nearly flattened them. They swerved to barely avoid a loose circuit board, electrocuting the walls beyond recognition. And then, when things couldn’t get worse, they did.

    The floor underneath them melted away as they flew over it, thrusting them into the basement. Badly damaged as it was, this crash landing only hurt him more. To complicate matters further, his jets stopped producing water. He was out. “It’s okay buddy,” Carmesi said soothingly as he returned the turtle to its Pokeball. “I’ll be sure to heal you soon. If we live, I mean.”

    He scanned his Pokeballs. No such luck. No other Pokemon would be able to help him. Not here, not now. And that’s when it struck. A blinding flash of what was surely lightning illuminated the dark underground section of the building. He saw the tail first, a billowing cloud of a royal purple hue. It seemed just like a cloud, or ashes at any rate, and bits were constantly being blown off and replaced. The next striking feature was its enormous fangs, with cold eyes watching him above those. Its yellow, tiger-like body seemed to glow.

    Roaring, Raikou pounced upon Carmesi.
    Last edited by Zibdas; 11th November 2011 at 2:46 AM.

  23. #23
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    Chapter 7- Reunion and Remorse (and other boring stuff like that)

    Red whistled merrily as he walked down the streets of Celadon, heading finally for the exit, completely unbeknownst that his alternate form was most likely being completely mutilated by a lightning-cat-dog-gerbil thing.

    Turning to start heading down Rout 16, he was feeling good. Sure this wasn’t the Kanto he knew and loved, but he was adjusting well. Or, at any rate, he was until he tripped over a magician curled up in a ball just before the gatehouse.

    “Matrin,” he said simply, scowling.

    “Oh, hello. I was looking for my lawnmower. It’s unnecessarily, powerful you know. This model even has seventy percent more POWER!” he said giddily. Red raised an eyebrow.

    “You… lost your lawnmower?” he asked skeptically.

    “Not any more!” Matrin exclaimed as he ran behind the guardhouse. When he returned, he was riding a colossal lawnmower that towered above the building. Noticing Red staring, he exclaimed, “Found it!” After a moment, he talked quicker than any human possibly could, “Also Bel and that creepy guy and the Master wish to talk to you so I have to kidnap you now and I apologize because this is awkward.”

    With that, he pulled a metal pipe out of the bowels of the monstrous vehicle and threw it directly at Red’s face.

    ~~~~~~~~~~
    Red had the strangest dream. He could compare it to nothing, but he felt heavy and incredibly light simultaneously. There were faces too. Load of them. The only experience he could remotely compare to this was when he accidentally filled his house with cheese. He licked his lips, savoring the moment.

    This happy time was spoiled by him opening his eyes and seeing Matrin’s face staring down on him intently. Realizing Red was awake, he called, “Hey, Bel! He’s NOT dead after all! Guess that weird guy really CAN try to not kill people…” Chuckling slightly, Matrin got off of Red and stepped back down onto the smooth tile floors. Addressing Red this time, he asked, “So, how do you like your stay at Castle Matrilululo? It’s mine, the Master’s, and him,” he said “him” as though it was as if he was referring to an old scab instead of a person, “so we combined our names, and voila!”

    Looking around, he realized he was in a medical ward, with one of the walls bearing a small indent. Thinking for a while, he realized that this place must somehow be connected to the large dome he had been in earlier. Groaning, he realized he’d have to go all the way back to Celadon. Worse yet, there was no clear means of escape.

    Distracted by his predicament, he never noticed Bel walk in the room. Once more she was wearing her “general” outfit and looked just as commanding and formal as ever. Tired of being ignored, she carelessly tossed one of her smaller blades at Red, slicing through a layer of skin. He fell to the floor, screaming in pain and bleeding like crazy.

    Quickly annoyed by the screams of pain, Bel delivered a powerful kick to his face. Red got the message. He instead lay on the ground, laying in an unnatural position and still bleeding. Bel smiled with satisfaction.

    “Now that we’ve…ah, calmed down, we may begin. To start us off, I blew up the not-you you, Red,” Bel said, clearly proud. “In other news, if I find that either of you have been eating my cookies, it will be the last delicious bite of amazing your pathetic taste buds will ever hope to eat.”

    A man with grey hair, silvery goggles and a large blue coat ran in. “Sorry I’m late,” he panted.

    Bel seemed annoyed, though very slightly. “What’s the name today? Or is it still Kululu?”

    “Please say yes,” Matrin begged. I hate changing the Castle’s name.

    The man shook his head. “I’m bored of Kululu. I kinda want to continue with Jill, so as to not confuse our readers.”

    Matrin cocked his head to the side. “Readers? What are you talking about?”

    Once again, the man called Kululu shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand, idiot. Anyway, where’s the Master?”

    Now it was Bel’s turn to shake her head. “He’s late,” she said sadly.

    As if just on cue, the whole room turned an eerie dark, and Ventrilo burst in through the door. He looked the same as Red had last seen him; tall, with thin limbs, cape flowing behind, strange hair, creepy mask. It was as if they had only met minutes ago instead of days ago. “You rang?” he said in a voice Red couldn’t describe what emotion it was portraying. Turning to Red, he added, “So you kept one alive this time, eh?”

    Jill-Kululu spoke up. “Yessir, as you requested.” Thinking for a moment, he added, “I got it! Call me… Michelle. Yeah. It fits, for now at least.”

    Fixing his gaze upon the newly named Michelle, Ventrilo asked, “You… do know that’s another chick’s name, yes?”

    Michelle leaped onto the table furiously and madly waved a broadsword decorated in various images of wizards and other magic-practitioners along the hilt. “IT IS NOT YOU ARE ALL JUST BEING SEXIST!” he screamed, and was blown off the table into a wall by an invisible maelstrom.

    Choosing wisely to ignore Michelle, Ventrilo turned to Bel. “So. Is he dead?”

    Bel smiled victoriously. “Of cou-“ she was cut off by the sound of loud thunder, even though it was bright and sunny outside. “What the-?” she asked, dumbfounded and a little, though barely noticeable to the innocent bystander, fear.

    Just like that, the ceiling exploded in a shower of sparks, ashes and lightning revealing that the ward was actually in a high tower. Standing on a neighboring tower was a man that looked uncannily similar to Red and a large gerbil thing. “Miss me?” the man asked, a triumphant smirk confident enough to rival Red’s own.

    “But how?!” Bel roared, furious. “I killed you in the last chapter! I know! I was there!”

    Matrin looked around sheepishly and asked, “Am I the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on?”

    Red raised his hand. “You’re not alone,” he admitted.

    The man next to the tiger shrugged. “I’m like…. Um…. Something that doesn’t die easily. You can try, and you can try again, but you can’t do it.” Noticing Red for the first time, he yelped in surprise. “Wha-?”

    “Clearly we’re all confused here,” Bel noted. “Being nearly omnipotent, would you care to explain Ventrilo?”

    “Even I am confused,” he said, stifling a giggle. Unable to control it, he burst out laughing manically. “Actually, I do. But I’m not going to tell you, heh heh.”

    “Oh? And why not?!” Bel demanded, still angry.

    “That reminds me,” Ventrilo added thoughtfully as he produced a staff from seemingly no where. It was intricately designed with all sorts of Pokemon of amazing variation, most of which Red had never seen before. On one end, there was a small tip ending in a hole surrounded in spikes. On the other, a miniature golden Ho-oh statue held up a large purple orb. Taking a few minutes to polish the orb, he pointed it directly at Bel. “I am no longer in need of your services.”

    Bel was struck with horror, realizing her master intended to kill her. She barely had time to leap out of the way as a barrage of spheres of bright energy was hurled right at her. “You’re bloody insane!” she screamed, as the sky darkened. Within seconds, rain came pouring upon them as Ventrilo launched another wave of energy. The intricate carvings had changed faces. Instead of merrily playing as they had been before, they all depicted scenes of grief, horror, violence. Some were screaming. Others seemed to be ganging up on small another small Pokemon, looking vicious. Forcing himself to turn away, Red shivered. Be it of the cold rain, or of what he had seen, he had no idea.

    Narrowly dodging yet another wave, Bel leapt onto the roof of a nearby turret. There were holes everywhere, all destruction that the small spheres had caused. Both Matrin AND the doppelganger stared intently, not sure quite what to do. Michelle, however, was watching, clearly amused by the one-sided fight.

    “What are we supposed to do?” asked the not-Red to no one in particular. “Perhaps we should help, I’m not sure.” Red wasn’t sure either; his eyes were affixed on them, his body unwilling to move.

    Bel was slowing down now, expressing fatigue. Ventrilo merely laughed. “A shame. I would have thought you’d had more in you.”

    Roaring, Bel charged and swung a katana directly at Ventrilo’s midsection. The blade made in impact, and even swung straight through his body. The triumphant smirk on her face faded fast. The blade had left no wound, no imprint of what had happened. He should’ve been dead. But yet here he was, his mask evilly grinning as always.

    “Bel, Bel, Bel. I thought you knew better,” he said in mock-sympathy.

    “…Tch! Those who cheat death… disappear!” she screamed, swinging her sword madly in a flurry of slashes too fast for the mind to comprehend. Panting, she looked up. Once again, not a scratch.

    “Those who cheat death? It’s been a long time. But you remember. I remember. We all do, except these pathetic mortals,” he chided.

    Breathing hard, she pulled up a purse from who knows where. One by one, she selected multiple Pokéballs. “Let’s do this,” she said. She was a mess, her hair flying everywhere, dripping wet. He clothes were torn in many places.

    “Your doom, your choice,” said Ventrilo, clearly liking how she wanted to go down with a fight. Turning, he rand and leaped right off the building, where he remained floating, right up in mid-air.

    Aiming the staff once again, he launched a wall of the energy. Bel smiled, hair obscuring her eyes and threw once of the Pokéballs. A Voltorb was released into the storm of energy, exploding. Suddenly, the threat was gone, but at the same time removing the element of surprise.

    “Not bad,” Ventrilo agreed, and he swung the staff everywhere, sending energy tsunami after energy tsunami.

    Just as quick, Bel launched Pokéball after Pokéballs, sending each Voltorb to its demise. Red almost felt sorry for them. He would be had real pity if they hadn’t exploded in his face.

    Out of Pokéballs, Ventrilo realized he had his former servant cornered. “Did you ever stop to think that eventually there’s a point where your name gets mentioned for the very last time? Well, here it is: I’m going to kill you, Bel.” Raising his staff, Ventrilo pointed the orb at Bel’s face.

    “Terribly sorry, but no,” she said as she raised her katana and sliced the orb off. Out of options, she ran and leaped, plunging into the icy moat far below. Ventrilo took one look down before pronouncing her dead.

    “There’s no way she could survive that,” he concluded to finally finish a lengthy speech about how we shall all spit on her grave.

    Taking off his cap, Red held it over his chest. He had seen it once in a movie, and it seemed like the right thing to do. The not-Red followed suit, but only for a moment. Scrambling onto his Raikou, he called out, “You coming, not-me?”

    Red looked around to make sure it wasn’t him being called. “Me?” he asked dubiously.

    “I don’t see any other doppelgangers running around,” laughed the not-Red. “Besides, you’re certainly not part of them, and I could use help, if you’d be so kind.”

    Scrambling onto the lightning tiger’s back, the man gave it a thumbs-up sign, and the Raikou took off, leaping from building to building, tree to tree. If anything could do it, it would be it.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

    Bel fell through the water like a corpse, making sure they would all think her dead. Her years of training made her extra resilient to the freezing water, though she was still cold and had a rough time swimming through it.

    Her only motivation being vengeance, the best kind, she trudged on through the murky deep until she cam across a pipe. Using her katana to slice off the cap, she allowed herself to be sucked inside. Not only would this drain the Rock Tunnel AND the moat itself, but it would also provide an escape route.



    Finally landing on a small rocky beach in a long shut-down die tunnel, she realized how terribly alone she was. After creating a small fire, she sent out her Gallade. After staring each other down and having a long, fruitful discussion for almost an hour, they decided they were no where near ready to challenge Ventrilo once again. Baby steps, they’d remind themselves. They should start small. Stealing doorknobs perhaps.

    Both extremely exhausted, they produced some sleeping bags from Bel’s pack and laid down to rest, utterly lost and confused.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Raikou gracefully leaped off of the Silph Co building, landing onto the Mimic’s house and once more bounding away. They were moving so swiftly that Red could barely make out their surroundings. It was all a brightly coloured blur. Within seconds they were already leaping off of the fisherman’s hut on the Silent Bridge.

    Breaking the roof only slightly, they leaped off and bounded toward Viridian. Carmesi turned to Red. “We’ll get to Tohjoh, okay? I’ll answer all of your questions. Probably,” he yelled over the rush of the wind. Red nodded to make sure he understood, not wanting to strain his voice.

    Already past Viridian and heading sown to the Indigo Plateau, Raikou was making great progress. Soon enough, they were at a large sign that read

    Now leaving Kanto
    WELCOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL TOHJOH
    (please note that we are not responsible for any or all mauling that occur here)

    Not reassured by the sign at all, the trio stepped into Tohjoh. In unison, their jaws dropped with awe. Or at least, Red’s did. It was magnificent. Huge, towering mountains capped with snow overpowered the sky. Lush valleys laid before them dotted with beautiful mesas. Several clear, blue water poured out of the mountains and made an amazing stream leading into a creek. Some of the mountains even had rivers ending in huge, cascading down, turning into mist even before touching the ground. It was one of the best sites he had ever witnessed.

    Carmesi ushered his companions to the base of a mountain, where it was rockier and craggier than the others. Grinning maniacally, he smashed his head into the wall three times. His head bleeding only slightly, he gave a lopsided grin as the rocks gave way to reveal an enormous cavern. A small crocheted sign hung from the doorway, proclaiming “Secret Base Sweet Secret Base”,

    Reeling with wonder, Rd hustled in to explore, Raikou watching warily and Carmesi lying on the floor with a lot more blood on his face than before.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ventrilo stood up, agitated. He looked over both of his remaining minions. Michelle was smashing a toy Golurk with a hammer while Matrin was staring at a picture of a blank face wearing a hat, seemingly covered in a spider web. His eyes were strained, as if they had been staring at it for hours. Ventrilo coughed and both of them shot up straight in their chairs and looked at him.

    “We need a new strategy,” Ventrilo said, once more taking turns of staring at them, “as our previous admin has taken a permanent take of leave. I believe I have already found a replacement, but… Bel was good at what she did. She was fast. We won’t be able to cle-“

    “Get to the point,” came the bored voice from behind the silvery goggles of Michelle. “I’m late for a da- er… I need to collect pecans. Loads of ‘em. No reason why.”

    Ventrilo stared right at him for a good thirty seconds then resumed. “We need an army.”

    Both of them smiled, very much approving to have a reason to have their titles as well as some underlings. After a few minutes of silent plotting, Michelle spoke up once more. “And I think I know just where to get some.”
    Last edited by Zibdas; 29th November 2011 at 5:45 AM.

  24. #24
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    Your chapters are getting better Zibby. Keep up the good work.

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    Bonus Chapter 1- Rogue
    “Is he ready?” a man in a lab coat asked. He had a handsome face with a sexy voice to match. His hair was a golden brown, and was parted neatly as ever. His serious, deep purple eyes turned to his attendant, one who went by the name of Marie Jeancy. Everyone there used a pseudonym but he and the supervisor, Lance.

    “All systems ready to go!” she said in a spunky, excited voice. Turning to the large, test tube filled with a blue gel, she winked. “It’s okay, little fellow! It won’t hurt! …Probably.”

    To anyone else, it would have appeared as though the tube was filled with gel, and no more. But the team of scientists knew that there was what could very well be a god in there. And they were going to make it even more omnipotent.

    Grinning wickedly, the man brushed the hair out of his face and pulled on a small lever. The blue gel glowed dangerously bright. A small iron shield was lowered in front of the gel to imprison its contents and the glow. Various robotic arms and other pieces of machinery went into the tank to assist with the procedures.

    “Status report!” demanded the man.

    Marie spoke up before any other attendant could, smiling brightly at the man. “Forty two percent complete, Sarge!”

    Lance finally stepped up. “This better be worth it. If the League catches wind that this was a failure, they’ll pitch the biggest fit any of us have ever seen.” Turning to another scientist, he added, “That means you too, Aku.”

    The man called Akuisha stood up, giggling slightly. “I would never endanger the mission. Unless, of course it was fun to watch. Kukukuku,” he replied, ending with a giggle as usual. “But this will work, I assure you. That, or we’ll all be killed.” His glasses shining brightly, he added, “Or both, if we’re lucky.”

    Glaring at Aku, the man returned to his work. “Status update!” he called as he finished examining the strand of DNA on his microscope. It was a unique specimen of something unknown, but it would have to wait.

    Turning only enough so that the man could see the corners of his mouth raise into an evil grin, Aku called out, “Ninety point zero one and counting, my good sir!”

    Ignoring the sarcastic last bit, the man turned his attention to the shielded container once more. Marie slapped herself out of anger. Why didn’t I tell him first? Now my sweet will never love me as much as he should! she fumed. Clenching hir fist, she smiled angrily. Evil Marie, take over! Woo him so we can snuggle! she roared in her mind. Deciding quickly to make her move, she stood up and approached the man shyly.

    The automated computerized voice interrupted her. “Transformation sequence complete. Main hatch lowering now.” After a brief pause it continued, “Shields lowering…. Shields lowered. AJISCOOL compound draining…. Please fasten your gasmasks. Exposure to the compound may possibly stop your heart, turn your blood into asbestos, give you an outbreak of tumours, or change your undergarments into lead.”

    Everyone frightened but the man, Lance and Aku, they all fastened their gasmasks on. All eyes on the blue mist now pouring out of the now-empty tank, a human-sized figure stepped out.

    “It’s… actually alive!” cried out the man in wonder. Two blue, electronic looking eyes pierced through the mist and stared over each of the assembled scientists for some time, passing over both Lance and Aku.

    “Oh yes. I love you too, my creation. Ku. Ku. Ku,” said Aku with utmost sarcasm.

    Finally stepping out of the mist, the figure could finally be seen. It appeared metallic and had a hard time walking. It’s whole body was covered in sleek metal armour. Its palms broke the patter for this, hosting two small indents that glowed beautifully. Teal shoulder pads protruded from its shoulders, with several rockets affixed to the creature’s back. Its head consisted of only two large, blue glowing lights that searched he room with wonder, continuously ignoring Aku. Two large spikes protruded from the back of its head, appearing almost to be bunny ears set in place at an odd angle. The sides facing each other were plagued by a series of small blue lights.

    After many long, slow minutes of this, the creature finally fixed its eyes upon Aku. “Oh dear,” the scientist cried out in a form of mockery indescribably natural. “It appears to have noticed me.”

    The creature held out his hand at arms length toward Aku. It might’ve been just him, but the man noticed the creature’s eyes turn a shade darker, barely noticeable.

    “Come alive, my creation. Serve us! Help us, Nyatsu! Ku kukuku!” the old doctor cried out.

    “I… I… hate you!” the creature roared, an enormous burst of light launched out of its palm, decimating both the doctor and everything between the two, leaving only the doctor’s glasses. The man felt his whole body lurch back, whether out of surprise or fear he wasn’t sure.

    The creatures eyes changed, to almost a sad, empty stare. “I was… peaceful. H-happy, almost.” His eyes flickered once more, now showing an angry, hateful expression. “You… you monsters robbed me of that! You thought you could steal my emotion, my willpower! You… you will all… YOU WILL ALL PAY!” the monster roared, and with another brilliant flash of blue light he had completely destroyed the lab and three more scientists.

    Realizing the trouble they were in, Lance shouted one simple command that sparked the team’s brains to finally move; “Run!”

    Marie seemed frozen in fear. Realizing that the monstrosity was now aimed to her, the man grabbed her by the wrist and ran, half dragging her with him. “Keep moving!” he shouted behind him. “He can’t run very fast, so we should be sa- CRAAAAAAAP!”

    Nyatsu’s ears had lit up, speeding him through the air. It helped even less that his rockets had finally warmed up and was readily gaining on the couple. Palm glowing furiously, he shot right at the two.



    He wasn’t dead.

    The man wasn’t dead, as he realized he was breathing. There was a large hole all around him. On one side, there was Lance, calling to him to see if he was okay. No sign of Marie anywhere…

    Seeing him awake, Lance sighed with relief. “Nyatsu flew away. As for Marie… she… took the hit for you.” Suddenly realizing how awkward the conversation had gotten, Lance excused himself. “I hear talk of this amazing mask not far from here. I’m going to check it out. I’ll leave you alone then…” he concluded and rushed away.

    He stared at his reflection, he realized his face was smashed and bloodied beyond recognition. His hair was a wreck, grey from the ashes of the once great faculty. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of goggles his late son had given him. Strapping them on, he smiled at his reflection in a hollow sort of way.

    The man stared at the ground. He had been selfish…. But no longer. There was things he needed to do. He needed to make peace. More importantly, he wanted to avenge his Fiancée. And what better way to do all this then to make sure nothing remained? But he would need help.

    He heard the cracking of a tree branch behind him. Turning, he saw a man in magician’s garb. “We need you, Mr-“ he was cut off by the man raising his hand.

    “From now on, I ask to be called Jill.”
    Last edited by Zibdas; 20th November 2011 at 3:37 AM.

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