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Thread: A Belt That Fits [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default A Belt That Fits [PG-13]

    It isn't easy specializing on one Pokemon Type, or so I've heard. Birds, Psychics, and Ghosts are the first problem. The second problem is me! Can I, a Goldenrod wimp, really become a Fighting Type Master? With an ex Police Rookie and amnesiac girl joining me, an obsessive Psychic rival trailing me, and while coming face to face with a group of poachers, can I really prove to the world that you don't have to be a meat head to train Fighting Types?! Of course I can, right?

    Chapter Guide
        Spoiler:- Chapter 1:

    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3

    Reviews, comments and the like would great. I'd really like to know what you guys think! There are a total of four chapters (which will be longer than this one) that I'll post for the next four days before updates really start on Sunday. Chapters 4 and 5 are currently on FF though my signatures, so please enjoy if you want to read ahead!
    Last edited by SapphireSwampert; 9th December 2011 at 1:58 AM.
    beep boop

  2. #2
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    Its getting there
    First thing it must be longer
    In made Goldenrod City even more golden than it already was. you mean IT made

    Other wise i like it

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    Q:Whats the same about an eagle and a mole
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  3. #3
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        Spoiler:- Chapter 2:


    Chapter 3 will be posted tomorrow and so on until chapter 5, at which updates will be on Sunday. Thanks for reading, and R/C would be great!
    Last edited by SapphireSwampert; 6th December 2011 at 11:38 PM.
    beep boop

  4. #4
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    It did take a little while to get used to your style, but I think it fits the story well. I really like the trainer-pokemon bond between Sebastian and Mars. I also like how well their personalities synergize, Sebastian being timid and Mars being confident and trusting. I noticed some minor errors, so I'll probably edit this post tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

    Edit: Just re-read it, and I still find it entertaining. Here are some errors I spotted:

    "I just got tired of it, you know?" She faintly smiled. "I just got into a bad losing streak, no big deal." She continued. She continued to drink her coffee. "Out on the road makes you miss this." She began to drink once more. Jiggly and Mars were both eating their food on the table we were eating at. Not particularly paying attention to us.
    A little repetetive, but that may just be my OCD. I recommend changing the second sentence to "She took a sip of her coffee."

    "Scy! Scy Scy!" It cried. Its eyes were wide for a second, before retaining the murderous glare it had before. I flinched a little, but Mars stayed strong. This was going to be long battle, I thought to myself.
    In my opinion, there really should've been something like italics to seperate that from the action. Or something like "I realized it was going to be a long battle."

    Maybe my Master Plan wasn't ruined, I though.
    Missed a t at the end there.

    He then started fiddling around his bag he had over his shoulder, and withdrew a disk. It was a Technical Machine or TM for short. Those things were expensive, that was for sure. The Blackbelt tossed it to me.
    I'd just like to point out that after this instance, the TM was changed to HM. Was this by accident, or because of Sebastian's inexperience?

    "Well, that could have gone better!" She laughed nervously, putting her arm behind her pink hair mareepishly.
    Not an error, but I really like what you did there. Considering this is first person, and animals seem not to exist in the Pokemon world, that made more sense than Sheepishly.
    Last edited by Sound; 7th December 2011 at 10:38 PM.
    I have officially claimed Castform, The Master of all Weather!


    Monorpale is my favorite Gen 6 Pokemon so far. If you have a problem with it, you can talk to the tassel hand.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    It did take a little while to get used to your style, but I think it fits the story well. I really like the trainer-pokemon bond between Sebastian and Mars. I also like how well their personalities synergize, Sebastian being timid and Mars being confident and trusting. I noticed some minor errors, so I'll probably edit this post tomorrow when I'm not so tired.
    I tottaly agree with this

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    Q:Whats the same about an eagle and a mole
    A:They both live underground execpt for the eagle

  6. #6
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    I missed yesterday's chapter because I was overloaded with school work, but now you'll get a steady flow of chapters 3-5 until Sunday, where chapter 6 will arrive ready and fresh.

    @Thanks for the review, Sound! I started doing some corrections myself for the few couple of chapters now, so that list will help me edit and revise. Yes. Sebastian thought that it was just a plain TM, since in my mind HM's are just a different branch of TM's. So while he believed it was a TM, he soon was told about it being an HM, as it was referenced throughout the rest of the chapter. Thanks for the Mareepish praise though. I do wish I can take credit for that, though. xD

    Without further delay, Chapter 3!
        Spoiler:- Chapter 3:
    beep boop

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