Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Forever And Never

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Post Forever And Never

    This is my 3rd try to write a story, but this time, a comedy type thing
    This is rate PG and PG 14 on some parts.

    Get PM when new chapter comes out, just say in a post
    PM List:
        Spoiler:- Pm List::



    Characters:
    Miro
    Miya
    Mum
    The Professor
    Other Random People

    * Learn about your characters yourself, im not here to tell you everything

    Chapter List:
    The Weird Beginning
    The Start Of The Weridness
    Not A lot Found, But A lot Lost
    All Over Again, But Different
    Everything lost can be found


    This story is based in the Kanto region, starting in a town to the southwest. Where a family of three live, Miro, a 14 Year old boy, Miya, Also 14 but quite a lot taller than Miro, All though Miro was born first. Miro coughs a few times. I mean he is not that much shorter, only by a short amount. Miro Coughs again. IT IS MY STORY AND YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HERE YET!


    It was morning, 9am to be exact. Miya and Miro just woke up and got ready to go. They went into the kitchen and found there mother. The whole kitchen was white, all of it, not a single piece of colour, apart from the fork and knife on the table next to the plates with burned toast on it.

    “Have breakfast guys before you leave” Said Their mum.

    “Uhh, no thanks, were good” Said Miro and Miya.

    “Ok, just don’t blame me when you get hungry” Said Their Mum.

    “Hey shouldn’t we get to the professors house?” Said Miya.

    “No need he comes running through the door in a minute” Said Miro.

    “What yo…”

    The professor came running through the door before Miya could finish her sentence

    “Told you” Muttered Miro.

    “Hey guys I need you now!” Shouts the professor.

    HOLD ON!

    “What? We are trying to your story here” Said Miro.

    How the hell did you know he was going to run through the door?

    “Uhh…No reason” Said Miro.

    But….How?

    “I just do! And on the topic of the story, can you give me a shiny zoroark?” Said Miro.

    WHAT! A SHINY ZOROARK! YOU ARE IN THE KANTO REGION, WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A ZOROARK!

    “Charmander?”

    NO

    “Why?”

    BECAUSE ITS MY STORY, NOW SHUT UP.

    “Wait, aren’t you like, What’s it called?” Said their mum.

    “Breaking the fourth wall? I think that’s in TV and I think you need to stay something like: Sorry we didn’t involve you much in the last chapter!” Said the professor.

    “Like what you just did?” Said Miya.

    ARRRGGHHHHH SHUT UP, I GIVE UP ON YOU IDOITS!

    “Yay, does that mean I get a shiny zoroark?!” Asked Miro

    No it means I get rid of you all and make characters that don’t get on my nerves.

    “Oh…Sorry” Said Miro.

    “Like I was saying, I need you to come to my lab and take the Pokémon, I have to help me with something” Said the Professor.

    “What something” Said Miya.

    “I’m not 100% sure yet” Replied the professor.

    “Yes you do” Muttered Miro.

    *COUGH* *COUGH*

    “I mean…Ok, tell us when you do, in the mean time we will take the Pokémon”

    Ok, here they are, Charmander, Bublbasuar and Squirtle

    “Ill have charmander” Said Miro

    “Umm, you are suppose to pick squirtle” Whispered Miya to Miro

    “Yes, but you then take it, so I don’t see why to bother,” Replied Miro

    “Ruin the story, you mean” Muttered Miya

    You know, just because you mutter or whisper, doesn’t mean they don’t hear it, It’s a book, I just type that so people don’t reply like `Why don’t you use other wodrs apart from said, like whisper and mutter and shout and shouts so hard they almost lose their voice!` Ok? so if you wish to keep it secret, keep it in your small tiny not real brains

    “Ok, they don’t makes us write that then!” Said Miro

    Nahh I like to tell you off, it makes me happy.

    “To be honest, I don’t like this writer” Whispered the professor

    I HEARD THAT!

    The Next chapter will come soon
    Last edited by Peters; 6th December 2011 at 9:53 PM.


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Default

    Hey new chapter! Guys Chapter will come every 1 week or so, so next week expect it to come like Friday, Saturday or Sunday.

    Chapter Two|The Start Of The Weridness

    Miro and Miya were walking across route 29 when suddenly…

    “Hold one a minute” Said Miya

    What?

    “You didn’t finish off from last chapter, the readers don’t know what starter I got” Said Miya

    But its boring

    “But They need to know, they might go `what happened, I don’t want to read a story that doesn’t tell me everything`” Said Miya, get a bit more angry

    But there’s no comments and only a few views/

    “DO IT NOW OR I WILL…!”Shouted Miya

    OK OK, Just don’t finish that sentence

    “Thanks” Said Miya, Calming down

    Man,when did I lose control over this story?

    “When you created me” Said Miya and Miro at the same time

    SHUT UP, OR I CREATE NEW CHARACTERS, IT ISNT THAT HARD


    “Just write the info!” Said Miya

    Miya picked squirtle and Miro picked Charmander, after this they headed towards route 29. A few minutes later they decided to battle. just before they were going to start they were interrupted by a sudden Voice, It was…
    “Hold on” said Miya

    WHAT!

    “You left out tons of information” Said Miya

    “Just let him do it, if someone comments saying `get more information you retard` Then let them” Said Miro, with a bored face

    Thank you and SHUT UP IM NOT A RETARD

    “Whatever, lets just get to this battle you mentioned” Said miro, still as bored as ever

    “Ok lets battle!” Said Miya, ignoring most of what’s above

    “Charmander I choose you!” Shouted Mir

    Out came a shiny Charmander in the grass

    “Hey where that come from?” Said miya

    Opps, wait one sec

    *Changes writing somewhere above: Miya picked squirtle and Miro picked Charmander, the Charmander was shiny when miro took it out of the pokeball, after this they headed towards route 29. A few minutes later they decided to battle. just before they were going to start they were interrupted by a sudden Voice, It was…*

    “Hey there young trainers” Said a mans voice from behind them

    “What the..” Said Miro, looking behind him

    Didn’t you read it, you get interrupted.

    “Hello, this is my pokemart on the go, buy all your pokemon needs, on the go!” Said the man

    The man was in a black coat, was wearing black shoes and white pants (in UK the called the trousers)…

    “Hey, they don’t need to know what you call them in UK” Said Miro

    Im just being nice to the readers in the UK (Sorry spain and other non-english speaking people, Im too lazy to learn your…

    “OH SHUT UP!” Shouted Miro

    “Like I said, Buy whatever you need” Said The man, who is also wearing a hat which covers his eyes

    “Ill take six pokeball” Said Miro

    “How will you afford that?” Asked Miya

    “Easy, with the money mum gave us” said Miro

    “The what?” Said Miya, looking confused

    “The money, which the writer left out *Hint hint*” Said Miro

    “Hes not very good is he” Said The Man

    Im going to end this chapter the same as the last

    I HEARD THAT!

    See you next time, and hopefully I will end the story differently and I will have no interruptions at the beginning, and maybe next time, we might get further because it been two chapters and we still only just left the town!


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Post

    Can people comment? i want to improve, but anyway a new chapter, and probably the most exciting one yet

    Chapter 3|Not A lot Found, But A lot Lost

    “Ok here is some money, and ill buy 6 pokeballs” Said Miro

    “Ill only take 5, Thank you” Said Miya

    Manners? Really? Comedy never has manners, I should have totally picked that chick with that attitude

    “Oh thanks” Said Miya, taking the pokeballs from the man

    Yer well you never get people reading and laughing when you use stupid manner like that. One more thing out of you like that and ill replace you

    “You know, You Have Threatened to replace us like 4 times in the last three chapters, but you never have, Why?” Said Miya With a confused face

    “Because he Can’t” Said a mans voice from behind her

    “Whaat?” Miya Said with a high-pitched voice

    She turned around but no-one was there

    Grr, get in my way why don’t you

    “Huh? What are talking about?” Said Miya, confused and worried

    Don’t worry Now

    “Worry, do worry because the man there…is a sham, a fake, fooling all” Said the man again, still no-where in sight

    “Wha? A Fake of what?” Said Miya

    A fake Of a writer, he thinks he can take over MY story like this, he has another thing coming

    “What? No Speech marks? Only the writer and narrator can do that, and the writer is both of those!” Said Miya Starting to back away a bit

    You see, Ill help you here, the Real writer ow will put a * at the end, so you wont get confused*

    Well bad plan I can do that as well*

    “STOP IT NOW,” Shouted Miya

    Well, I guess I was wrong about that attitude

    Then suddenly a man appeared from behind her, He was tall, Black hair, Glasses, Wore a White shirt with a black jacket, black jeans and white shoes, he was holding a book in his hand and a eraser, Pencil and pen in his left shirt pocket.

    “What? Who are you?” Said Miya

    I am the writer, the story you are in is the on I wrote, or I say was writing, until I fired that narrator, now he’s taking control of this story

    “But why you fire him?” Said Miya, getting less confused but more worried

    “Because, he wants to let the characters say whatever they like. Have you noticed that most things you have said are not forced?

    Thinking back now, she has said a lot of stuff she should not of said.

    If it was my way, you would of noticed Miro had gone along time ago

    “Whhat?” Sid miya, also just realising that he was not in sight anymore

    And that man running the store had disappeared too…along with the store. Because it never existed, it should not of anyway. Miya, im giving you a challenge…


    Miro was walking when he saw a rattata

    “Hey, Charmander, how about our first battle?” Asked Miro

    “Char Char!” Said the charmander

    “Charmander, use Tackle!” Shouted Miro

    Miro’s Charmander charged at the rattata and hit it with much power. Out of nowhere, the rattata hit Miro’s Charmander.

    “That must have been Quick attack” Said Miro “Now Charmander use Ember”

    Miro’s Charmander quickly used Ember hitting the rattata

    “Now I think its time for a pokeball” Said Miro “PokeBall….” Said miro

    Miro was searching every inch of his bag

    “Huh, I just brought 6 from that shop, and no one has passed us since, so I couldn’t have been robbed…” Said Miro


    “Wha, what, who, what?” Said Miya Jumping out of bed, then looking across the room where Miros bed was, or where it use to be.

    “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Shouted Miya


    Next chapter soon, But what happened? If you like, you can guess


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Default

    Chapter4:


    I give up, I just do, why can this happen to someone else, in someone else’s story! Nobody likes to be the picked one, but when your picked for tis your mad, because nobody should be picked for this. You can be picked to play basketball, or to answer a question you don’t know, but to be picked to ruin your life, that shouldn’t happen. It happens, but not in this, not like this anyway, but this doesn’t ruins yours, it makes some never exist at all. If this is a game, it’s a horrible game.

    Why…why has he done this? His own story… His own creation…why? Is it even his? I don’t, and right now I don’t care…All I want, is the people I need…Back. The People…..I need The Most…

    “Viridian City, Travelled Further than I did with Miro for Three Chapters!” Said Miya, Walking Into Viridian City
    Why she was here, she did not know, she was just hoping something good would come along. She saw an old man at a house near the exit of the town, And saw a sign saying `Trainer House, Under Construction”. It was lonely now, almost everyone was gone because of him, Gyms didn’t exist anymore, because all Gym Leader Disappeared and never came back, but the pokeLeague still exist somehow, but nobody can get 8 gyms badges.

    “Hey you” Said a Voice
    “What?” Said Miya
    “Take thease” Said the man passing a tiny box
    “What is it?” Said Miya
    “Look inside later, I think the writer is coming” Said the Man “He can only hear us when he’s near now that he’s in visible form”

    Making no sense, she put the case into her bag
    “Now go to the pokeleague” Said the man
    “Umm, ok...” Said Miya, wondering how she will get in.

    Then she ran, she didn’t know why, she ran, faster than any person could.
    She reached the pokelague and checks the box the man gave her, its had all 6 Gym Badges! She saw some writing on the top, “M.J”

    “M.J, what could that mean?” Said Miya
    She noticed the room was empty, so she walked through the door leading to the first Elite four, the door didn’t close behind her, as the same for the all of the elite four, and nobody in the rooms. Expect for the champion room, where in the centre stood the man who gave her the badges.
    “You know you worst than the writer, popping in an out of everywhere” Said Miya
    “Now Miya, this may take a while” said the man

    3 hours later..

    “Well that took time. Why did we need to do this puzzle?” Said miya
    “Cant you see there is 8 spaces empty, perfect fit for all” Said the man
    “Except for the hole in the middle”
    “That’s not important right now”
    Miya places all the badges in the correct slot.
    Suddently the man brought a pole with a black ball on top and places it I the hole.
    A picture of three people appeared, Her, Miro and the writer
    “Why is he there?”
    Before the man could reply, the badges lit up, and the ball on the top started to grow and go a white colour.
    “Touch the ball Miya, touch it”
    She touched the ball and it surrounded her. She closed her eyes for a while, and when she opened them she was before she appeared back home
    “Miya, i’m giving you a challenge…” Said a voice
    “Not again” Muttered Miya
    “What you say?”
    “I said ok then”
    “I don’t believe you”
    “Well you should”
    “Well I don’t, now can we carry on?”
    “Maybe. Maybe not”
    “Lets end this chapter and let people guess what happens”
    “Ill agree on that”
    Last edited by Peters; 3rd September 2011 at 11:48 AM.


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Flooded Europa
    Posts
    391

    Default

    Hey! I'd love if I reviewed your story, you'd look at my small oneshot: monsters? >u<

    First off, I love how keen you are about your characters, but there are a few grammatical rules and some small mistakes that I can help you with?

    They went into the kitchen and found there mother.
    'There' should be 'their', as it's their mother, not a place. With your following speech: when a character talks, their speech should end with a comma, and you remove the capital letter from the 'said' or 'exclamation'.

    I'd also toss up the size and variety of your sentences and how you describe/show your characters actions, instead of having each character having 'said' something, to make them more interesting. Here is an example I wrote earlier to illustrate this point to someone else:

    Heavy steps thumped loudly against old matted floors, making their obnoxious way down the traditional hallway of the bath house with seeming carelessness until it paused in front of her doorway. Glancing upwards away from her book, annoyed at the distraction from the wonderful tale of the long-suffering love of a Samurai and his desirable Princess bride, the young woman glared narrowly at the short shadow hovering uncertainly behind the screen, lower lip pouting out incredulously at the cheek. This was a holiday, and she could not count the numerous times she had made it clear that her section of the holiday home was not to be disturbed, but clearly, as was made evident now, it had not been enough.

    A warm flush of anger skidding over her skin as her intruder made no attempt to knock or any move to make his presence known, her grip around the book tightening, before with a small huff of frustration, she threw the damn thing at the door.

    Or through it.

    Angled just above head height, there was an awkward moment of silence after it in messy clatter of pages and ripped paper, before a light, tentative tenor slipped questioningly through the gap, words raised higher in question.

    "The 'Long sword and his Mate?' Really, Tohru?"

    "Yuki?"
    It's not a great piece of writing, but it is amusing, and shows the story with more depth.

    Back on topic, this is a funny, if a bit random, comedy. x"D A mistake:

    I have to help me with something”
    You mis-wrote that sentence. x"D

    “But They need to know, they might go `what happened, I don’t want to read a story that doesn’t tell me everything`” Said Miya, get a bit more angry
    You are so tongue-in-cheek with this! x'D I actually find stories that tell you everything awful, as I prefer writing from the characters perspectives, and if they don't know something, then why should we?

    What I'd love to see hear though, is this parody written in more structured, complete chapters. It's almost impossible to review this, as this is on the verge of classification as a 'story'. ;__;
    Last edited by Ejunknown; 2nd September 2011 at 12:27 AM.

    demise: the last remnants of the fallen

    chapter two complete: defective.


    meddling with time: where time lines collide
    a new fanfiction of twisted time and mistaken love chapter one complete: steps forward


    author's profile -review exchange profile - deviant [/COLOR]

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Default

    I need some work yes, but at least someone commented, and when typing the last chapter i noticed most of that, anyway, i hope you liked it


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    1

    Default Review for The Weirdest Journey

    You might find this site helpful. It's a compendium of common errors in the English language, as well as how to correct them. Personally, I would suggest getting a beta.

    Please don't center your text, it makes it difficult and annoying to read.

    You seem to have a lot of issues with capitalization. Proper nouns are capitalized, common nouns are not.

    A proper noun is the name of a person, place or thing. A common noun is what the person, place or thing is.

    Central Park is the name of the place. A park is what the place is.

    There's a lot of debate over whether or not to capitalize things like pokémon or specific pokémon species. According to the rules of English grammar, you do not. According to Nintendo, you do. Unfortunately for Nintendo, my allegiance is to the rules of English grammar first and Nintendo somewhere in the four hundreds.

    Regardless of which you choose, you should probably pick one and stick to it.

    Dialogue is written as "Nice to meet you," he said or "Nice to meet you!" he said. It is not written as "Nice to meet you." He said or "Nice to meet you." he said or "Nice to meet you," He said or "Nice to meet you" he said.

    The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Nice to meet you." He waved, never "Nice to meet you," he waved or "Nice to meet you," He waved.

    Please note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

    Personally, you appear to be writing dialogue as "Nice to meet you" He said for the most part. For instance:

    Quote Originally Posted by Peters View Post

    “Have breakfast guys before you leave” Said Their mum.

    “Uhh, no thanks, were good” Said Miro and Miya.

    “Ok, just don’t blame me when you get hungry” Said Their Mum.

    “Hey shouldn’t we get to the professors house?” Said Miya.
    This should be:

    "Have breakfast guys, before you leave," said their mum.

    "Uh, no thanks, we're good," said Miro and Miya.

    "Okay, just don't blame me when you get hungry," said their mum.

    "Hey, shouldn't we get to the professor's house?" asked Miya.


    Please note that "ok" should be written out as "okay." Also, when a character says something that ends in a question mark, generally the speech tag should be "asked" or something similar, like "questioned" or "inquired" if you want to get fancy.

    I would also highly advise you use spellcheck. Grammarcheck too, although that can be a bit more subjective depending on your writing style, particularly when characters are talking. People don't always use perfect grammar when they talk.

    Your spellcheck probably doesn't register pokémon, but you can find out exactly how they are spelled using Google. If you are using pokémon species multiple times, it's easy enough to add it to spellcheck.

    In conclusion, I really would suggest you get a beta. If you're serious about the story, you could even apply for a mentor over here.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW?
    Posts
    91

    Default

    Chapter 5: Everything lost can be found

    “Yer so I was thinking maybe” Said Miya

    “Shh were starting the chapter now” Said the Writer

    “Oh, so where were we?”

    “Not sure, let me look at last chapter”

    *Looks at last chapter*

    “Ok, Im giving you a challenge” Said the Writer

    “Ok cool, I like challenges” Said Miya

    “You wont like this one”

    “Ok, what is it?”

    *The writer brings out 4 cards from his pocket*

    “On each of these cards there is a scenario, some are bad, some are good,
    and some do absolute nothing” Said The Writer

    “Ok, So I pick a card, simple. But also can you please lower down on the talking on this chapter, it’s been like 15 lines and 2 of them are not talking lines” Said Miya

    “Ok ok, so pick your destiny Miya”

    “Can I pick fate instead? Sounds better”

    “Just pick a card you idiot”

    “Ok card number 5”

    “There’s only 4”

    “Ok, 18”

    “Do you want me to pick for you?”

    “Ok, 2”

    *The Writer reads the card aloud*

    “Absolute nothing” Says the writer

    Miya Laughed so hard she was rolling all over the floor, almost squishing a
    Spinark

    “If this was rated higher, this sentence would be much different”

    Miya, after laughing for a while, Walked forward to find Miro, Of course after the Writer got bored and vanished. After walking for 30mins she reached Viridian City. She looked around steadily, but still no sign of Miro

    “God, how far could he gone in who knows what time” Muttered Miya

    “I’m here” Said a voice from behind her” and its been around 5 minutes”

    “I question this writer so much…” Said Miya

    “Another 4th wall broken”

    “More like 10th wall”

    “So what next?”

    “Stop talking, so much talking in this chapter my fictional ears are bleeding”

    “11th wall broken2 Said Miro in a commentators voice

    “Are you going to do that through the rest of this fan fiction?”
    “12th wall broken”

    “Let’s just go”

    “Where to?”

    “The forest up ahead”

    “But there’s a gym there” Said Miro, pointing at the gym

    “Its closed, haven’t you played the original games?”

    “No and 13th wall broken”

    Suddenly Miya punched Miro in the face with power, smacking him to the ground

    “Your face is now broken” Said Miya, mimicking Miro’s voice.


    ^Image By Skiyomi^

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •