Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Summer Days (Contestshipping)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    disneyland
    Posts
    7

    Default Summer Days (Contestshipping)

    Hello! This is my attempt at a contestshipping fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it! It's 3:00am, and I got inspired to write one so I literally got out of bed, ran to my laptop and started writing. This is the outcome. I am determined to keep this fic as PG rated as possible. It might go up to PG-13, but that depends. Anyway, here we go!

    Rated PG
    It's a bit AU
    Contestshipping

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    The days were growing warmer in anticipation of the summer season. Each day started a bit sooner, each night arriving later. The silhouettes of people by the beach at sunset were multiplying as each day went by, and the anticipation for a certain annual summer family getaway was growing bigger everyday. Red x's began to appear on the calendar as a spunky, brunette teen began to countdown the days.

    ~*~*~*~*~

    CHAPTER ONE
    Rated G

    The first day of summer. Kids of all ages leave their schools without looking back as they head towards their long awaited summer vacation. Already you can hear plans for this summer break being tossed around the air by all the students.

    On the edge of the street stands a young 16 year old girl with brunette hair and sapphire like eyes in a typical school uniform waiting to be picked up for the last time this school year. Next to her stands a boy of 13 with forest green hair and large glasses resting on his nose.

    "Oh, I cant wait for this year's family trip. Max!" The brunette girl says to the boy, "Going back to Johto for the whole summer and being with Grandma and Grandpa! Aren’t you excited??"

    Max closes his eyes and sighs, a small mushroom-shaped cloud escaping his mouth, "Not really. I don’t get how you get all excited to go to the same place every single year, May."

    May's eyes narrow at him, "Well, excuse me, little brother, for being excited to see our grandparents!"

    "Hey, I love my grandparents as much as the next kid, I just wish we saw more of Johto, not just Goldenrod City."

    Before May can say anything, they hear the familiar sound of a truck's horn from around the corner. They turn to see their parent's silver truck with their father Norman in the driver's seat. A Combusken is peeping out from the back window.

    May and Max make their way to the car and hop inside, May happily greeting her fire chicken Pokemon.

    "How was school, kids?" Norman asks, pulling out onto the road towards their home.

    "Fine," both the teens answer simultaneously at the usual daily question. Max is paying attention to May's Combusken while May is looking out the window playing with her hair as she daydreams about the summer that lays ahead of her.

    "So, you guys excited for our trip this year?" Norman asks, as if he reads May's mind.

    "I AM!" May responds enthusiastically while Max gives a monotone 'Yeah.'

    "Good," says Norman, "Because this year should be fun." He sounds as if he's hiding something in his words, but neither Max nor May say anything, as they know their dad always makes things seem like a huge secret.

    The car pulls into the driveway of their home where a Treeko is waiting for his master to come home.

    "TIKO!" Max exclaims happily, letting himself out of the car and running straight to the small green lizard who jumps and runs for boy as well.

    "We're home!" Norman announces as he opens the screen door of the house, walking into the kitchen where he finds his wife Caroline removing oven mitts from her hands.

    "Hi, Mom," May says happily to the tall brunette woman and kisses her cheek.

    "How was school, sweetie?" She asks but before May can answer she yells out the window to Max, warning him not to ruin his uniform. May makes her way to her bedroom as her parents engage in a conversation about what’s for dinner this evening.

    When May enters her room, she immediately throws off her school bag and jacket and they land with a thud on the corner of her bedroom. Combusken follows her.

    On her desk sit four pokeballs and she picks one up and throws it in the air. Out pops a large butterfly with colorful wings, large blue eyes and a straw-like mouth that curves at the end.

    "Beaauuuutiflyyy," the butterfly shouts as it flies around the room happily, then lands on May’s head and greets Combusken, who is seated on the floor across the room.

    “You guys excited?” May asks, stripping off her school clothes, but being careful not to disturb the butterfly Pokemon perched on her head. Both her Pokemon answer back enthusiastically, mostly because they like seeing their trainer happy. Beautifly flies away from may and lands on her bed frame as May pulls a comfortable tee over her head and then pulls on some loose gym shorts.

    “I can hardly wait,” May says, landing on her bed, “The long summer days in beautiful Goldenrod, shopping at the department store all day with Grandma, cooking with Grandpa, taking you guys to the park…”

    “Flyy!”

    “Busken!”

    May suddenly gets up from the bed, “I should ask Mom and Dad when we’re leaving!” She returns Beautifly into it’s poke ball and rushes out her room and towards the kitchen, with Combusken following closely behind.

    When she arrives at the kitchen, May finds her brother at the table with Norman while Caroline is taking dinner out of the oven.

    “Oh, there you are, May,” Caroline says, “Be a dear and set the table, please.”

    May does as she is told and at the same time clears her throat, telling her family she has something on her mind.

    “So, Mom, Dad,” she starts as she sets the plates on the table, “It’s summer.”

    “Mmhmm..” Caroline responds, placing food in the middle of the table.

    “Yes, we can see that, May,” Norman replies.

    “You know what happens every summer, right?” May continues, placing the last glass on the table then sitting down across from her brother, who is ignoring all of this as he plays with his Treeko who is perched on his shoulder.

    Norman chuckles, “I see where this is going. You’re talking about our annual trip to your grandparent’s house.”

    “Yes!” May responds as she helps herself to some of the food on the table, “When should I start packing?? When exactly are we gonna get there?? The department store is waiting for me! Johto is waiting for me!”

    Caroline giggles as she sits down next to May, “Should we tell them now, dear?”

    Max and May exchange glances.

    “I suppose,” Norman responds.

    “Tell us what?” Max and May say simultaneously.

    “Aren’t we going to Johto this year anymore?” May asks.

    “Oh, we’re going to Johto, alright,” Norman explains, “But I never said we were going to Goldenrod City, did I?”

    “What!?” May and Max exclaim, again at the same time.

    “Where are we going, Dad!?” Max asks, finally excited at the thought of this year’s vacation.

    “Olivine City,” both Caroline and Norman say.

    “Olivine City!?” the kids exclaim.

    “What about Grandma and Grandpa!?” May exclaims, her heart suddenly dropping at the thought of going one year without seeing her beloved grandparents.

    “They’re in Unova this summer,” Caroline explains, “So we’re spending our summer this year in a beach house in Olivine City!”

    “But we don’t know anybody there!” May remarks.

    “You don’t,” Norman clarifies, “But I do. We’re staying at a good friend of mine’s beach house this whole summer. You guys will love it!”

    Max celebrates at the fact that he’ll get to see some place else other than Goldenrod City, but May sinks in her seat. There goes her good summer.

    ------------------------------------------------------
    So there's chapter 1! It's not as long as I wanted it to be, but I'm just introducing the plot... sort of. I hope it's got you intruiged... I'll write more in the morning! Please, enjoy!

    Shiny Clefairy
    Last edited by Shiny_Clefairy; 16th December 2011 at 12:42 PM. Reason: spelling/grammar mistakes
    Check out my brand new fic!
    [IMG]http://i39.*******.com/24bw0uo.png[/IMG]
    story and banner by me!
    Contestshipping | Rated PG | Ongoing

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    disneyland
    Posts
    7

    Smile

    I finally finished chapter 2! Yay!

    ----------------------------------------------

    CHAPTER TWO

    May sighs as she zips up the last of her suitcases and hands it to Combusken, who places it with the others at the end of the room.

    It’s been a week since Norman and Caroline announced that the Maples were in fact heading to Johto this summer, just not their usual spot. Instead of spending the summer in Goldenrod City with their grandparents, they were spending it in Olivine City with a friend of Norman’s. A stranger, in May’s eyes. Even if he was her dad’s close friend, May had never heard about him, never met him, nor did she want to. She had been so excited about seeing her grandparents this year, that the sudden news that that wasn’t happening pretty much crushed her. May no longer cares for summer, at least not this year. She already knows it will be her worst summer vacation yet.

    “Well, I guess that’s it, Combusken,” she says and sits on her bed, looking at her fire Pokemon. The fire chicken looks back at her and nods, not knowing exactly what to say. May smiles and grabs her pokeballs from her desk and tosses them all into the air. Four figures pop out from the red and white balls and call out their name at the same time.

    Munchlax, Skitty, Beautifly and Bulbasaur all form a line next to Combusken, looking up at their trainer waiting for instructions.

    “Alright, guys,” May begins, “This year we’re going to Olivine City..! Yay..!” She smiles slightly and her Pokemon smile back at her, though they sense the lacking in her voice.

    “May!!” she hears her brother from the living room, “Come load your bags into the car!” My sighs and grabs one of her suitcases, and walks out the room. Combusken, Munchlax, and Bulbasaur each grab one as well and follow May out the door, with Skitty and Beautifly leading them.

    Outside, Norman and Max are loading the last of their bags into the back of the car. Max takes May’s bag and loads it as well, while her Pokemon help and start stuffing the last of her things into the car. May sighs and leans against the car, crossing her arms.

    “May, stop being such a downer,” Norman says as he closes the trunk of the car, “You never know, you might like Olivine City more than Goldenrod!”

    “Hah - that’s a laugh,” May murmurs.

    Norman smiles at his daughter. He knows this will be a good summer, and soon so will she.

    “Just make sure you get some sleep tonight,” he responds, “We have a long trip ahead of us in the morning.” With that, Norman, May, Max and the Pokemon head inside the house to prepare for their road trip in the morning.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    The trip itself isn’t bad at all, aside from the fact that May has to keep all her Pokemon in their poke balls. Occasionally Skitty will pop out and take a nap on May’s lap, but the trip is mostly Pokemon-less.

    Looking out the window of the car, May knows instantly when they leave Hoenn and enter Johto. Suddenly, there are no more Taillow or Wingull flying around, and instead are replaced with Pidgey and Pidgeotto. Wurmple are scarce and Caterpie and Weedle are abundant. May can hear the howls of Houndour and Growlithe in the background as the car rides through the road winding between the woods.

    “Dad, how much longer till we get there?” Max asks, looking up from his PokeNav.

    “Not much longer, son,” Norman replies, “We’re almost entering Goldenrod City.”

    May’s mood rises sharply as she hears the name of the city she loves so much. As if on cue, up ahead the golden skyline of the city is seen at the horizon. The setting sun is seen from behind the tallest buildings. May smiles and gazes at the city, then falls asleep.

    ~*~*~*~*~

    “May, wake up! We’re here!”

    May sits right up and looks around at her surroundings, which are very unfamiliar to her. Out of her car door she sees the beach, where the dark navy ocean crashes against the shore. The sky is dark and the moon is high above them and where you can see the shadows of flying Pokemon against its bright surface. The night is peacefully quiet, only the sound of the beach can be heard.

    “We’re here?” May says, getting out of the car. She walks up to her brother, who is stretching from the long car ride.

    “Yep!” he answers, “The beach house is right over there.” He points to a large, white house up on a cliff by the side of the beach. The house is huge, two stories with a balcony. It’s gated by a white fence and May can see that there is a large swimming pool next to the house, accompanied by a smaller, also white pool house. May almost gets chills--it’s been a while since she’s seen such a beautiful building.

    One of the windows on the second story shows that the light in that room is on, and May notices the figure of a person leaning on the windowsill and staring out into the ocean. The silhouette seems to be of a male, and May sees him look down to where her and her family are, then disappear from the window. The light goes off.

    “Come on, kids,” Caroline says before May can mention it to anyone, “Let’s go ring the door bell.”

    The family makes their way up the stairway built into the side of the cliff leading up to the beach house. When they arrive huffing and breathing heavily at the top of the cliff, the porch light of the house goes on. The front door opens and reveals a man about the same age as Norman. He has green hair, slicked back with a few stray hairs resting on his forehead. His eyes are dark brown, but are mostly hidden behind a pair of thick glasses. He wears a cotton, white tank with green pajama bottoms. Behind him is a woman of the same age with long, blonde hair, almost white. She’s of fair skin with piercing, emerald eyes. She wears a long, white night-gown.

    “Norman!” The green-haired man exclaims, “I thought it was you I heard out here. It’s about time!”

    “It’s been a while, Mark,” Norman responds, walking up to the man and shaking his hand.

    “It sure has,” Mark says.

    “Kids!” Norman says, turning to May and Max, “This is Mark Hayden. We were best friends in school.”

    “Hello!” May and Max say, greeting their father’s old friend with a smile.

    “It’s so nice to see you again,” Caroline says, “You, too, Cecilia!”

    The blonde woman smiles at Caroline and says, “It’s been far too long!”

    “Well, come on in!” Mark says, “Let’s get you settled”

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    Finally, all of the Maples’ belongings are inside the house and in their respective bedrooms, and they sit in the living room for a while, the adults reminiscing of the good old days, while Max and May nod off on the couch.

    After a good hour or two, Cecilia finally interrupts the nostalgia with, “You guys should rest. It’s been a long trip, we can catch up tomorrow.”

    “You’re right,” Norman says and stands up to stretch. He glances over at Max who is fast asleep on the couch. May is well on her way there.

    “The kids seem to be on it already,” he says with a sense of humor in his voice.

    Norman carries Max off to his bedroom, and after being woken by Caroline, May walks up the stairs to her bedroom. She’s so sleepy that she doesn’t even bother to look up, keeping her tired eyes fixed on her feet. Right before turning into the hallway that leads to the room she’s staying in, she feels herself bump into someone coming out of a bathroom.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” May says, finally looking up, only to lock eyes with deep, emerald ones staring right back at her. He’s a boy about May’s age, maybe a year older. He has green hair, much like Mark’s, but his is long, and draped over his eyes. The boy is shirtless, only wearing dark blue pajama bottoms. May blushes at the sigh of his sculpted stomach. The boy looks at May for a moment, his eyes wandering from her neck, to her lips to her eyes.

    “It’s okay,” he says simply, and walks down the hallway into a room right across from May’s bedroom. May stays in her spot for a while, waiting for her red cheeks to return to their normal color before finally going into her bedroom.
    ----------------------------------------------------
    I know I said I was gonna post the day after the first post, but I had a busy weekend.... anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

    x Shiny_Clefairy
    Check out my brand new fic!
    [IMG]http://i39.*******.com/24bw0uo.png[/IMG]
    story and banner by me!
    Contestshipping | Rated PG | Ongoing

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Under the roof
    Posts
    164

    Default

    Wow. I sure haven't been posting for quite a while.. Anywaysss..... I didn't spot any spelling mistake here. And the storyline is great, it keeps readers(at least me) curious about what will happen, and who is this, who is that, where is this, what is that.. I can't rate the description because I'm not very good in picturing something, but I can say yours is definitely better than mine. I like your use of words and passive voice.
    Please continue this, 'cause it already gave a feel of suspense for me

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    disneyland
    Posts
    7

    Default

    YAY! My first review! I was starting to worry that no one would read! I'll talk more about this at the end though. Let's just get on with the chapter!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    CHAPTER THREE

    The next morning May wakes up to something soft rubbing against her arm. At first, not remembering where she is, she thinks it’s Combusken trying to wake her up.

    “Just a few more minutes, Combusken,” she mumbles, still half asleep, but doesn’t bother too move. Whatever is rubbing up against her arm stays there, and if anything gets more persistent.

    “Combusken..!” she groans and finally sits up only to find herself face to face with a small blue face with giant, angry-looking antennae coming out of it. May screams in fright and falls over the bed, landing on the floor with a loud ‘thud’. The bug Pokemon giggles to itself and flies around her limp body on the floor. May is groaning in pain, tears forming in her eyes.

    She groans, “How did you get in--”

    “Masquerain!” A voice is heard from the doorway. The blue bug perks up the voice and quickly flies to the source. May pulls herself up from the floor, resting her upper body on the bed. At the doorway is the green-haired boy from last night--shirtless once more. May’s face turns a soft pink.

    “I, uh--”

    “Sorry about that,” he murmurs, “Masquerain is a bit curious.”

    May blinks, “Oh, it’s o--”

    The boy walks away before May is able to finish her sentence, which ticks May off.

    ‘Do I even get to finish my sentences with this kid??’ she thinks to herself.

    “May!” she hears Max from downstairs, “Breakfast!”

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    By the time May brushes her teeth, washes her face, and makes her way downstairs, everyone is sitting at the kitchen table. A maid in uniform is serving them breakfast. May walks over to the empty chair next to her father, noticing that her Pokemon are eating their own breakfast at the corner of the kitchen.

    She hesitates when she sees Mark and Cecilia, “Morning…”

    It’s not that she doesn’t like them; from what she’s seen and heard they seem like lovely people. It’s just that no matter how hard she’s trying to like it here in Olivine City, she knows she would much rather be in Goldenrod with her grandparents. But she guesses it’s too late now.

    ‘Might as well get used to it,’ she tells herself.

    “Good morning, May!” Mark says to her as he cuts into his omelet, “How did you sleep?”

    “Good,” she replies, “I guess I was tired from the car ride.” Everyone at the table laughs while May thanks the woman serving her breakfast. May looks down at the food and smiles at the freshly chopped Pecha berries.

    “I heard you scream this morning, honey,” Caroline comments, “What happened? Are you okay?”

    “Yeah, I heard it, too,” Norman says, putting down his newspaper.

    “Oh, that,” May responds, “I, uh, woke up to a Masquerain staring at me… Kinda freaked me out a bit.” She laughs nervously.

    Mark chuckles, “Must have been Drew’s Masquerain. That one’s a bit curious, especially when it comes to strangers.” May looks at Mark. She guesses the green-haired boy’s the Drew he speaks of. Well, at least May knows what his name is now.

    “Speaking of,” Norman says, “Where is your boy? I haven’t seen him at all!”

    Cecilia giggles, “He’s out by the cliff. Our Drew’s not really a talker -- he tends to keep to himself a lot. Why, I’d say his Pokemon know him better than we do!”

    While the adults continue their conversation, May looks out the large window and find that Cecilia was right; Drew is out by the cliff by himself. He’s wearing black jeans and a white button-up shirt. He’s sitting down by the ledge, a Roselia at his side. He seems to be concentrated on the ocean, not moving an inch. His hair and shirt is being whipped back and forth by the ocean breeze; the Roselia next to him is doing the same, simply sitting down and staring out at the ocean.

    May wonders what could possibly be going on in Drew’s head. Why he’s so kept to himself like his mother says. Right then and there she makes it a mission to find out.

    Then, as if he heard her, Drew turns around and looks straight at her through the window, causing May to flinch and turn pink once again. For a split second, Drew flashes an amused smirk, but then gets up and with Roselia walks towards the house. His white shirt is open, and the ocean breeze is blowing it from side to side, though his torso stays exposed.

    ‘Guess he’s not a big fan of shirts,’ May thinks to herself.

    Drew then steps into the house, Roselia at his side.

    “Drew!” Mark calls him, “Don’t be rude, say hello to our guests.”

    Drew, who was just about to climb the stairs, sighs and walks over to everyone at the table. His unenthusiastic expression, though, changes to a warm and friendly face almost instantly, like turning on a light bulb.

    “Hello” he says cheerfully.

    “Drew!” Norman says, “Why, the last time I saw you, you were tiny! You’ve turned out to be a fine young man!”

    “And a handsome one, too,” Caroline chimes in, “Don’t you think so, May?”

    Caroline winks at her daughter, who breaks out in a nervous sweat and then glues her eyes to her food. Drew chuckles, along with everyone else at the table.

    “Come have breakfast with us, honey,” Cecilia tells her son, pointing at the empty chair next to her, but Drew shakes his head.

    “No, thank you,” he says, “I’ve eaten already. I was going to take a walk with my Pokemon. I’ll see everybody later.”

    "Oh? But you were just heading upstairs?" Cecelia replies.

    "Yeah, but I just remembered I left my Pokeballs in the living room, not my bedroom. See ya." He then walks away, his Roselia right behind him. May watches him leave and continues to stare his way even after he’s out of the room. Though she knows nothing about him besides his name, May feels drawn to him. She can definitely say she’s never met a guy like him. She wants to know him better, but she doesn’t know how. She has to think of something.

    “May, honey, you haven’t touched your breakfast,” Caroline interrupts her thoughts, “Are you okay?”

    “Huh?” May responds, coming back to reality, “Oh! Right!” She then manages to wolf down all her food, then stands from the table.

    “That was delicious! Thank you very much!” She bows, then excuses herself, not letting the adults say anything to her. Her Pokemon notice and finish their breakfast in the same style as their trainer and quickly follow her.

    May manages to catch Drew grab his Pokeballs from the coffee table of the living room and make his way out the door and towards the long, winding concrete path behind the house that leads to a small PalPark just over the hill. She lets him leave without stopping him, trying to think of a way to talk to him without sounding desperate.

    “Hey, May!” she hears suddenly behind her, causing her to jump. It’s her brother Max, who’s standing behind her with a huge grin plastered on his face.

    “Who ya lookin’ at, sis?” He says, wiggling his eyebrows at her, “Something caught your eye, sis?”

    May blushes a deep red and narrows her eyes at her brother, “Mind your own business, Max!” She then storms up the stairs and towards her bedroom, leaving Max snickering to himself. Her Pokemon follow.

    Once in her bedroom, she quickly gets out of her pajamas and changes into a summer dress. She then returns all her Pokemon into their poke balls in order to make her little adventure to the PalPark a little quicker. Just as she runs down the stairs and out the door, she halts and stares off towards the direction that Drew walked to.

    “Wait,” she says to herself quietly, “Not desperate, May. Don’t follow him! Be cool.” She straightens herself up and calmly walks towards the same hill Drew went over, but is careful to keep to the right. Once at the top, May can see Drew sitting on a bench at the PalPark, with his Roselia at his side and his Masquerain flying around them. She also sees that to the right behind Drew, the ground goes down forming a slope, turning into sand about 5 feet down, and then the sand meets the beach. It’s a perfect spot for May to go sit down without seeming too obvious.

    She walks down there, trying not to look at Drew and sits in a sunny spot, feeling the warm sand beneath her. The wind is refreshing but not too harsh, just enough to neutralize the heat of the day. May brushes the hair out of her face and then throws one of her poke balls in the air, sending out her Beautifly. The butterfly Pokemon stretches out its wings as it calls its name out, then goes to fly around May’s head happily.

    Before May can even reach for her other poke balls, Beautifly lights up at the sight of something and begins to fly around as if courting someone. May turns around to see that Drew’s Masquerain is doing the same thing, but looking towards Beautifly.

    “Flyyy!!”

    “Mas, mas!”

    Drew is looking at May, a small smile on his lips. He gets up and begins walking towards May. Suddenly, May feels nervous and shaky as she turns back around and waits for Drew’s arrival. Before long she hears his feet behind her and then feels them sinking in the sand around her. He stands next to May looking down at her, but she doesn’t dare look up. She’s already a scarlet red.

    May tenses up when she feels Drew sit down beside her.

    There’s an awkward silence for a few minutes. All that is heard is the sound of the waves crashing on the beach and the two bug Pokemon playing with each other. Roselia is sitting at Drew’s side quietly as well.

    “So, that’s your Beautifly?” Drew finally breaks the silence. He turns his attention to her, waiting for her response.

    May hesitates then replies, “Uh… y-yeah.”

    Again another silence. Drew averts his gaze back to the ocean.

    “It’s pretty beautiful. You raised it well.” he says.

    May quickly glances at him but then reverts to staring at the sand, “Thanks.”

    They sit in silence once more, but it’s not another awkward one. Instead, it’s a silence where they both know there really isn’t anything need to be said. The bug Pokemon are still playing with each other behind the teens. May and Drew sit peacefully, staring off into the sea. Roselia plays with the sand around them.

    Every now and then, May glances at the boy sitting so close to her. She can feel the heat of his body against her bear arms. Every now and again, his white shirt, which is being blown by the wind, will brush up against her, sending chills through her body. She’ll feel when Drew turns to look at her, and she tenses up but relaxes when she no longer feels his gaze.

    They sit till the sky goes from bright blue to pale pink and the wind turns chilly. Masquerain and Beautifly have long become exhausted and sit with each other on the beach. Roselia has fallen asleep. Then, without even a warning, Drew stands, sprinkling sand all over May as he does.

    “Hey!” she says on instinct, “Watch it!”

    Drew snickers, putting his hands in his pockets and looking down at her. He stays this way till May finally looks up.

    “That’s a pretty dress,” is all he says and then walks away, his Masquerain and Roselia behind him.

    May turns pink and stares back out to the ocean, her Beautifly nuzzling against her.

    “What?” she whispers.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------


    Done!

    ~NaThziVOIR~, thanks for your review! I'm glad you like my style of writing, and I'm even more glad that you like the plot! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! You deserve a cookie for being my first reviewer. *gives you cookie*

    Shiny_Clefairy
    Last edited by Shiny_Clefairy; 29th April 2012 at 9:10 AM. Reason: grammar
    Check out my brand new fic!
    [IMG]http://i39.*******.com/24bw0uo.png[/IMG]
    story and banner by me!
    Contestshipping | Rated PG | Ongoing

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Under the roof
    Posts
    164

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Shiny_Clefairy View Post
    By the time May brushes her teeth, washes her face, and makes her way downstairs, everyone is sitting at the kitchen table, a maid in uniform serving them breakfast.
    Um.. I think this sentence needs to be separated, IMO. It has too much commas and sub-sentences in it. "By the time May brushes her teeth, washes her face, and makes her way downstairs, everyone is sitting at the kitchen table. A maid in uniform is serving them breakfast." or..something like that. Not a mistake, but maybe it will be easier to read and understand if it's separated.


    “I heard you scream this morning, honey,” Caroline comments, “What happened? Are you ok?”
    Okay seems better.. Just my personal opinion. :P

    Then, as if he heard her, Drew turns around and looks straight at her through the window, causing May to flinch and turn pink once again. For a split second, Drew flashes an amused smirk, but then gets up and with Roselia walks towards the house. His white shirt is open, and the ocean breeze is blowing it from side to side, though his torso stays exposed.
    Ah... I blushed too. Nice work there, hahaha

    She can definitely say she’s never met a guy that him.
    Do you mean "like him"?


    Whoa... Thanks for the cookie xD
    ahahaha
    For this chapter... I like the cliffhanger at the end...>__> No I really like it! xD
    It gives me a kind of.."what was the 'what' for?" "Why did Drew compliment her dress?" "Did he saw something? Something that doesn't have to be seen?" ahahaha xD
    And well for the other parts, I have this feeling that you missed something. Idk, but the part when Drew gets into the house and his dad asks him to greet everyone.. He was about to go upstairs, wasn't he? However, after he greeted all the people, he went straight out, I find this a bit irritating 'cause it left me a hanging question of "What was his purpose to go upstairs? Why did he suddenly changes his route? What? Why?" LOL I planned to just let it go, but as I write the review, it won't go away, so I have to say it to you. Hahaha :P


    Rafe from Destiny Deoxys is my hot bishie, YOOHOO!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    disneyland
    Posts
    7

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ~NaThziVOIR~ View Post
    And well for the other parts, I have this feeling that you missed something. Idk, but the part when Drew gets into the house and his dad asks him to greet everyone.. He was about to go upstairs, wasn't he? However, after he greeted all the people, he went straight out, I find this a bit irritating 'cause it left me a hanging question of "What was his purpose to go upstairs? Why did he suddenly changes his route? What? Why?" LOL I planned to just let it go, but as I write the review, it won't go away, so I have to say it to you. Hahaha :P
    Oh, snap. XD You're right, I probably should have stated his purpose.... I was probably gonna have his pokeballs be upstairs, but they ended up in the livingroom..... >.> It's okay, it'd probably bother me too if I was a reader XD

    Thanks for the review~ I'll go edit everything you suggested ^^

    Ah... I blushed too. Nice work there, hahaha
    muahahah >

    The next chapter should be up soon~~
    Check out my brand new fic!
    [IMG]http://i39.*******.com/24bw0uo.png[/IMG]
    story and banner by me!
    Contestshipping | Rated PG | Ongoing

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •