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Thread: Garjzla (An Inheritace Cycle Fan-Fic) (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Garjzla (An Inheritace Cycle Fan-Fic) (PG-13)

    Chapter 1 – The Birth Of A Rider

    The storm outside rumbled. The wind roared outside. Coby ran to the window and surveyed the valley. The wind blew things around. Coby watched as a chair from someone's porch blew over. The door slammed open and shut behind him and Coby turned to see his father slam the door shut.

    "How long until the storm passes over? An hour?" Coby stared at his father waiting for his response.

    "Maybe. No way of telling, the clouds are black all the way around." His father threw himself onto the couch and stayed there. Coby didn't realize to stop asking questions until he heard the snoring.

    After the storm had passed Coby took up his bow and quiver and went into the Spine, a feared chain of mountains. At least it had been thirteen years ago. That's when a miracle happened. A boy by the name of Eragon had been hunting in the Spine when a dragon egg appeared. Except for the evil king Galbatorix he was the first Dragon Rider in about a hundred years.

    When Coby got into the Spine he looked around for anything to catch. All of a sudden a roar of wind came rushing towards him. The wind almost blasted him off the Spine. He turned to see a green dragon coming straight towards him. He took a step back, tripped over a rock and fell backwards and everything blacked out.

    When he woke up he was staring at a woman of amazing beauty. She had black hair and pointed ears. She also just seemed to give off a royal aura, not including the
    fact that she was a Dragon Rider.

    "Who-Who are you?" Realizing something, he looked down and almost passed out again. He was staring at the rapidly passing clouds.

    "I am Arya, queen of the elves." Arya didn't even turn around when she said it.

    And I am Firnen. Coby was about to ask something and the green dragon seemed to sense what he was about to ask. We are taking you to Ellesmera, the capital city of the elves.

    "But why me? What is so special about me?" Coby looked around expecting an answer. He didn't get one.

    When the vast forest came into sight Arya dived down and a mile later landed in the city of Ellesmera.

    He saw something that almost made him pass out. On a stump was a white dragon egg. Elves kept walking up to it and putting their hands to it, but to no avail.

    "That is why I brought you here. I believe you are the one this dragon is waiting for." Arya walked up to the crowd. "Clear the way! I believe I have our Rider."

    "Wait. You think I can be a Rider?" Coby looked around and Arya stared at him.

    "Actually yes, now get up here and touch the egg." Arya gestured to the egg.

    Coby looked around and walked up to the egg. He stopped and hesitated as his hand hovered over the egg. He touched his hand to the egg and it wobbled.

    "It has chosen you. It won't hatch for a little, but it chose you." Arya took the egg, wrapped it in a cloth, and handed it to Coby. Coby stared at the egg, he was a Rider.

    Congratulations Rider. The dragon in that egg will finally be able to hatch. When it grows enough myself and Arya will teach you in the ways of the Rider.

    "One of our elves will show you to your room. I will see you, and hopefully your dragon, in the morning." And with that Arya left along with Firnen.

    Coby sat in bed and sat, staring at the egg. Then he slipped into the darkness of sleep.

    When Coby woke up a small white dragon was staring at him. He snapped up and saw on his hand a silvery patch. Arya was standing in the corner of the room, Firnen had his head outside.

    "So, your dragon hatched. Now come on. We'l go train."

    Coby stared at the little dragon and the light shined off his scales.

    "How do you like the name Diamon?" Coby watched the dragon. Then in his mind came a voice just like how Firnen did it.

    That's a good name. I like it. Now are we going to find nice-elf-lady and big-green-dragon or sit here babbling?

    Note: Garjzla means "Light" in the Ancient Language. Also give me some constructive criticism please, I would appreciate it.
    Last edited by HeracrossGod; 27th January 2012 at 12:23 AM.

  2. #2
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    Hello, HeracrossGod. I just finished Inheritance last week, so I thought I'd drop by and check out your fic. It's off to an OK start, but I saw some places that might need some improvement.
    Quote Originally Posted by HeracrossGod View Post
    “Aye, and it is only going to get worse Coby. The storm will probably last another few hours, but it will get worse until it stops.” My father replied, I was hoping he would be right.
    I "hoped" might sound better here.
    I climbed up into the chain of mountains known as the Spine. I live in a small village known as Carvahall. We were proud of our history because here, the first new Dragon Rider in a hundred years had come. His name was Eragon and his dragon was Saphira. Later after he had left his cousin Roran led our whole town into the war, besides those who stayed behind. We helped the Varden and we killed King Galbatorix. Later, the town returned and we rebuilt it after the Ra’zac had burnt it down.
    It seems a little too coincidental that this character is from Eragon's hometown. Though, it is a good way to establish, more or less, when this is in comparison to the timeline of the books. Enough time has passed to rebuild, at least.
    I knew I had no hope of catching the deer, I think, but that is just me. Doing things that are impossible.
    You slip into present tense here, and the second sentence is a fragment. You might want to work on a better way to phrase this part.
    I ran out of the cover of plants and stopped myself just in time. Right in front of me was a smoking crater, not that big but big enough, and on the other side the deer leaped away. When I went to give chase I slid down the crater and then I saw it. Sitting in the middle of the crater was a round, white object. A giant egg. I would have loved to see the chicken that gave birth to this thing. I slowly leaned over and touched the egg, well almost. Just before I touched the egg a crack appeared.

    “It’s hatching!” I screamed, I ran behind a bush and watched it. The egg split wide open. Sitting on its back right in front of me was a small white lizard with small wings. A baby dragon.
    Wow, what a coincidence, living Carvahall and hunting in the woods in the mountains known as the Spine when he happens to encounter a dragon egg. It would probably be better if you didn't have Coby begin his journey in almost the exact way Eragon did.

    The egg hatched pretty quickly, too. Well, we all know that it's a dragon egg so I guess there wasn't much point in building suspense.

    But why is the egg in a crater in the Spine? Since this is set after Inheritance, aren't the eggs carried around to potential Riders until they find someone they will hatch for? Saphira's egg ended up in the Spine due to a spell to keep her out of the Empire's clutches that was interfered with by the magic of the dragons to end up with Eragon. But this is set in a time when the Riders are returning, so shouldn't eggs be handled in a more official manner? Even if circumstances led to an egg being sent to a particular person, does he have to be doing the exact thing Eragon was when he finds it?
    I slowly approached the dragon and it shoved it’s head out to me.
    It's means "it is" or "it has." When you write about the head belonging to it, you say "its." Yeah, the English language is confusing.
    I picked up the dragon and ran as fast as I could run to Carvahall. It took me three hours to climb to where I had reached, and only a half hour to get down. Probably because half the time I spent rolling.
    This sentence fragment would probably work better worked into the previous sentence. "... and only a half hour to get down, probably because I spent half the time rolling."

    I ran into town and everyone ran up thinking with the way I was running I had seen a bear or something. Then they approached and saw the small white dragon in my arms, its face covered with its wings.
    Aww, now that's a cute image.

    A week had passed and Coby took care of his dragon. He had decided to name his dragon Diamon, a shortened word of diamond because of his color and the way he sparkled when the sun shone on him. Diamon was about the size of a cow now and they constantly had conversations with their mind, something that Coby found to be one of the best things to do.
    Ok, suddenly you changed from first person to third person narration. You want to be consistent in your telling of the story, including tense and speaker. It would be best to tell the entire story in either first person or third person. Don't switch between both.

    Word of him becoming a Rider had spread throughout the entire of Alagaesia. Coby wished he hadn’t become so popular, it was kind of embarrassing to always be pestered by people asking him to do things he had no idea were even possible, someone even asked if he could rejoin a leg he had lost in the war onto his body.
    Has he even been learning magic of any kind yet? And I would think Arya would have arrived to meet him long before news was able to spread throughout Alagaesia. Alagaesia's a big place, and they don't have the communication technologies our world does. Yes, magicians can communicate across vast distances, but I would still think Arya would get there before word spread very far and this kid was expected to be performing miracles.
    Coby woke for his morning fun with Diamon when he heard a rush of wind outside and he ran outside. In the sky was a green dragon. Much bigger than Diamon, who was now approaching. Diamon uttered a growl. I don’t like the idea of another dragon just hovering above our village Coby. Can I strike him out of the sky? Coby answered with a shake of his head.
    Turn the bolded period into a comma to avoid sentence fragments.
    Diamon's speech should probably be in italics, like Saphira's is in the books. Since he's speaking, you also need to change paragraphs just like you would if he was talking out loud, like this:
    Coby woke for his morning fun with Diamon when he heard a rush of wind outside and he ran outside. In the sky was a green dragon, much bigger than Diamon, who was now approaching. Diamon uttered a growl.

    I don’t like the idea of another dragon just hovering above our village Coby. Can I strike him out of the sky? Coby answered with a shake of his head.
    As the dragon neared the ground Coby realized that there was someone riding the dragon. An elf dressed in gold and green. He realized with a start that is was the elf queen and Dragon Rider, Arya. Coby approached with Diamon when Arya landed and hopped off.
    "An elf dressed in gold and green" is not a complete sentence. "Is was" should be "it was."
    “Is there anything you need your Majesty?” Coby asked. Arya was a friend of Eragon’s, and Eragon was the villages friend, and a friend of Eragon was anyone’s friend. I think you get the point.
    Yeah, this part could use some cleaning up, especially the part where you switch back to first person and address the audience directly.
    “Yes, you. Word has spread as far as my hometown. I would like you to come with me so I can properly train you in the ways of the Dragon Rider. Coby almost leaped out of his skin until he realized something.
    I doubt Arya would refer to the elves' capital city as simply "my hometown." You might want to rework the idea that the information has spread throughout the continent but is somehow just now bringing Arya to see the new Rider as well.

    More generally, you could use more descriptions about what's going on. We aren't given any idea what Coby looks like. He sounds rather young from the way he reacts to things, but other than that the reader knows almost nothing about him.

    Likewise, slowing the pace might make things work better. Give Coby and Daimon time to enteract and get to know each other, and give the reader a chance to know these characters. You might also try to expand on the abilities that come with being a Rider. This kid suddenly has a voice in his head, a mind link with a dragon. How does he react at first. We are told he enjoys being linked to Daimon's mind, but we aren't shown their interaction.

    There are also more "logic" related concerns based on the world this story is based in. Why does Coby get his egg the same way Eragon did when the Riders are being rebuilt through the efforts of Eragon and Arya? How long has it been since Galbatorix's defeat? Do magicians have to follow the rules Nassuada was planning at the end of Inheritance? That might be something important to keep in mind.

    You have the bones of a good story here, but you'll need to work on description and pacing. I'm also concerned about the similarities between Eragon's and Coby's introduction to their dragons. Remember that they are different characters. Coby should begin his journey in a unique way. And make sure you keep the narration consistant: either first or third person, but not both. I hope I didn't sound too harsh.
    Last edited by Ememew; 24th January 2012 at 6:47 AM.

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