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Thread: The Legend's End

  1. #101
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    ^*Yay, 100th post!*

    I'm also intrigued by how Latios is the one who wants to hide, when by most usual expectations, Latias would be in that role. This is a good contrast between the two siblings.
    I don't follow: how so? If it's a movie thing, I haven't seen the one with them in (to my torment).

    "Stronger at us?" I think you mean "stronger than us."
    Corrected.

    I don't really like the "Las" and "Los" nicknames.
    I see what you mean, it does seem a bit... off. But keep in mind that the shortened pet-name is only the translation of what they call each other.

    That actually made me choke up a little. He's right - this is the end of Nuria's even somewhat normal life.
    Wow - I'm obviously much deeper than I thought. Yay for me!

    Her secret? I wonder what it is. I don't think it's been mentioned already.
    I was referring to the fact she ran away from home, though it does seem a bit vague now...

    I think the story is taking a great turn with this chapter. So far, a lot of time has been dedicated to establishing Edward, Nuria, Latias, Latios and the mission Edward and Nuria must go on to save the world, but now, we see that the action is finally starting. I'm excited for it, and I'm optimistic that the story will continue getting better from here.
    Thanks so much for that, I hope I'll live up to these expectations (no pressure, right?)

    Thankyou C.Gholy and Overlord Mewtwo for your comments as well, I really enjoy reading them! Remember though, anyone who reads this, that I'd like lots of criticism too so I can get better.

    Rotomknight, I can't find the bit you're referring to, where is it?
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  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    I don't follow: how so? If it's a movie thing, I haven't seen the one with them in (to my torment).
    Well, that is true, but in a more general way, Latios would logically be seen as the "big brother" type who is the protector. Now, I don't agree with sticking to that kind of stereotype, so I applaud you for breaking it.

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  3. #103
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    Legend's End is one of the stories around here that I kept telling myself I was going to start reading when I got time. Well I've some time nowadays, and I figured I would start with it.

    Prologue/Chapter 1

    I have no basis for it, but is the creature at the beginning Groudon? I guess it could be any cave dwelling legendary, but part of me is just convinced it is Groudon. I'm sure I'll find out later.

    I like the idea of mixing up the regional starters (at least, putting Chikorita in with Birch's other regular starters). What was the rationale for it? Is there a reason the Treeckos are absent? Will the fact that it is a Chikorita be important? I'm curious to see what the answers to these questions will be. It seems like a mundane detail, but it's really piqued me.

    Nuria is kind of a tomboy, right? What with snatching the blue Pokedex, which I'm sure is generally thought to be the "boy's" version. And nuria...that's an odd name. Where did you get it, if I may ask?

    I enjoyed the earnestness of Mudkip, sitting there and begging to be picked. It was cute.

    I'm always a little wary of Pokemon "speaking", but I can probably get around that. Either way, it's a good introduction, and I look forward to continuing on!


    Chapter 2

    It exhaled one final time. Closed its eyes. And died.
    Might just be me, but I think that might read better as one sentence with commas. I get you are going to the dramatic effect, but it feels jerky to me.

    “What? You said it yourself – we just got pokemon. Why shouldn't I be excited? More to the point, why aren't you?”
    I'm not sure how old Edward and Nuria are. I guess I just assumed they were ~10 years old, but I could be wrong. Anyway, children are REALLY hard to write well, so be careful when writing their feelings and dialogue. I don't see a ten year old really saying "More to the point..." It just doesn't seem natural. But then, I could be way off on their ages, too. (I ended up finding out they are 13 a few lines later. Still a tough age to get a handle on, so I respect your decision to work with characters that young).

    You actually mention pokemon having "levels" of growth, which is unusual. I don't think I've seen that in too many stories before. I wonder how you'll make that work? Is there a process a pokemon goes through when it advances a level? Is it a visual change (obviously not an evolution, but do they get bigger, more defined, visibly older)? I'm curious to see how that could work, as I'm not sure I've ever read a fic that used levels before.

    I like Chikorita calling out Nuria for her impetuousness. It's good to see the two starters have such stark personality differences. Even though Chikorita is only level 6, it seems to think it is worldly and experienced and is already pretty jaded. I imagine Chikorita and Nuria both have a LOT to learn.

    I really dig Mudkip. He's a little ball of energy, isn't he?

    And "The Shift", eh? Curious! Nice tease there by just letting that hang in the air. I wonder what it is. But then you explain it in the very next paragraph. I almost wish you'd have let that linger a while and answered what it was maybe a chapter or two later. But que sera sera.

    Mudkip had literally flown into his chest.
    i'm assuming that "literally" is an accident, right? Unless this Mudkip can actually FLY.

    Oh, and I thought the image of the smaller Zigzagoon licking the injuries of the larger one was adorable and realistic.


    CHAPTER 3

    I'm curious as to whom (if anyone) the narration is attached to in the brief opening scene. It's just the use of the word "murderer"; that's intriguing. There doesn't SEEM to be anyone there than, well, the murderer, and it seems odd for someone to refer to themselves as that (Considering they just defeated a monster, you might think they'd refer to themselves as "The victor"). But then again, this "murderer" seems saddened by what it had to do. More questions abound!

    The silence was deafening.
    I think that line is a bit of a cliche. Unless you are going to expand on the idea of the silence being deafening somehow, I'd avoid just saying it like that.

    She took off forward. He caught up with her soon enough. The atmosphere was tense. Something was off. He decided to break the silence.
    That...is a LOT of short, simple sentences back-to-back. It read like little steps--kinda herky-jerky. I would have added some different punctuation in there and combined some of those sentences so they read a little better.

    Edward nodded. He remembered being taught the Capture Rules when he was really young. Some were basic, like 'Don't catch another trainer's Pokemon', whilst others were more loose and specific at the same time. For a trainer to begin training a Pokemon, the trainer must have the Pokemon's consent. The consent could be asked for before or after capture, but if it was asked after capture and the Pokemon refused, by law the trainer must release it.
    That's a really interesting notion. Certainly not something I'd ever thought of before. It certainly covers up a lot "real life" comparisons to dog-fighting or anything like that. Very creative thinking!

    Another thing I thought was odd, along with the use of actual leveling up, is the mention of Swampert being "four times" weak against grass. You are following a lot of video game conventions here. Any particular reason for that? Not that I mind--those games are why any of us are even here--but it just seems a bit weird. I don't tend to think "That man has a gun, and I am 4x weak to bullets!".

    I see Dragonfree has been helping with your corrections and grammar, so I've been leaving those alone as I get through your chapters. You do require some work in those regards, but that's okay; that stuff comes with time and practice. I would definitely focus on not getting too attached to short, simple, declarative sentences, though. You use a LOT of those, and they tend to be choppy to read.

    The death of Groudon was pretty powerful. You fell into some cliches with people gasping "It can't be!" and "Impossible!". I'll be honest, outside of fiction, I don't think I've ever heard anyone actually say "It can't be!". It seems like a generic kind of line. Make sure your dialogue sounds authentic to the ear. Try to picture your friends or peers saying the things that characters in your story say to see if it seems natural. But yes...the death of Groudon was written well. And now the "murderer" seems to be going after Kyogre next? Hmmm.


    CHAPTER 4

    There's "the murderer" again. I wonder what the massive power above it was? Rayquaza? I guess I'll find out later!

    Could they still go on? With such rainfall, floods were bound to follow. Would it be safe to continue?

    Edward sat up and shook his head, attempting to expel the thoughts from his head. No use thinking about all that now. It was his second day of trainerdom. He grinned at the thought, but wasn't as enthusiastic as the previous day.
    It seems odd to me that Edward RECOGNIZES the peril, but then just discounts it and grins at the thought of being a trainer. I guess a 13 year old might not have the scope or world view to think that well past his own personal experiences, though, so it might work all right here.

    The idea of people using pokemon such as Abra to abduct children is...terrifying. What a frightening flavor of the real world to add into your story.

    I guess this chapter answers my question about leveling up. New question: How does the pokedex receive this information?

    I laughed that the pink pokedex has a female voice. What a nice touch.

    I like that, for all your adherence to video game conventions, you let the Mud-Slap realistic get the Ninjask. Your battles have been handled pretty well thus far, and I have enjoyed visualizing them.


    Overall, it's not bad so far. I have some good questions that I, as a reader, want answers to (but in a good way that keeps me wanting to read). I pointed out the things I think you could work on (avoiding cliches, not sticking so much to short sentences, making the characters seem realistic), but it's not a bad story. Keep at it!


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  4. #104
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    Wow, this is pretty good! I finished all the chapters in just over an hour, I think... can you add me to the PM list? Thanks.


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  5. #105
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    TGBB: Ah, I see what you meant. My logic for that was that they were so old that they were equals.

    Sid87: thanks for the lengthy review - you're right, I do use short sentences often (which is my amaturish way of raising the tension :P)
    About the four-times weakness thing: in my mind Pokemon have been categorised into types, and, like us, people have noticed some types are good against others (doubly good) and others are even better (doubly doubly good), so people would refer to it as four-times as effective.     Spoiler:- Spoiler:


    You're right with the cliched 'it can't be' , I said it in my head and I realised hoe cliched it really was (I hadn't thought about it before).
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  6. #106
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    Well, after long, long, long last the next chapter is up. Sorry for the wait, and I'm afraid there'll be another long one while I'm on a two week holiday to Portugal, so no writing for a while. Enjoy!

    Chapter 14
    Regice


    The tunnel seemed to go on forever, an endless seam of darkness in the rock. Edward's hands were placed on the walls at all times, keeping him steady whenever he kicked Nuria in the back of the leg or stood on her heel, and therefore all the times she kicked back.

    They walked for what could have been miles in complete silence, Edward consumed by thoughts of dread and trying to keep his breathing under control. He didn't feel as scared as before: maybe it was the fact that Nuria was with him, perhaps because he knew that it couldn't get any worse, or maybe he was in some form of shock, like a car-crash survivor.

    After maybe half an hour, Edward found his arms wrapped around his chest: Why's it so cold?

    Then it struck him: Oh, Regice! How did I not realise that before? He found himself thinking back to anything he might have seen or heard that would help him visualize Regice. He bit his lip. Why couldn't he remember? Had he not had stories of legends read to him by his parents as a bed-time story when he was but a boy? Hadn't he read those books himself as he matured? He knew Regice was a guardian of... something, but apart from that, nothing. Was there no picture of Regice? Then again, if Regice had been down here all this time, how would a picture get taken? the rational part of his mind responded.

    After perhaps another half an hour, Edward's teeth were chattering loudly, his arms folded up his shirt to conserve heat. He could hear Nuria breathing shakily in front of him, and judging by her dimly lit outline-

    Edward suddenly jolted when he realised he could just about see Nuria and the walls of the cave, dimly illuminated by a light blue. His eyes must have become accustomed so slowly that he hadn't noticed it. Craning his head over Nuria's shoulder, he could see a far-off pin-prick of pale blue light.

    “N-N-Nuria,” he stammered through chattering teeth, “Wh-h-h-h-hat is that?”

    There was a long pause.

    “Nu-Nuria?” he asked again, and once again there was no answer. Edward just shut up and kept on walking.

    After another long silence, marred only by the rough scraping of shoes, Nuria finally spoke.

    “How d-do we f-f-f-fight it?” Nuria said, teeth chattering. Too cold to speak, Edward just shrugged. Then he realised that must have been what Nuria had done earlier. Clearing his throat, he spoke up:

    “I dunno... Zubat could confuse it.”

    Another silence.

    “D-d-do you really th-think that'll work?” she asked sceptically.

    “I... dunno...” Edward repeated, his mind working. If a fight were to start, what could his Pokemon do? Not even Ralts could do anything in the presence of Latios. So... against Regice? Ice type moves would knock out both Nincada and Zubat... kill, even...

    Edward stopped moving. What am I doing? He and his Pokemon could easily die... even though Latias said that they went easy on Pokemon... but humans? How would they be able to escape an attack if Regice wasn't too friendly?

    “N-Nuria, will Ralts save us if,” he struggled for the right words, “ if things go wrong?”

    Another silence, albeit much heavier.

    “Depends,” she said monotonously, “i-if Regice l-l-l-lets her.”

    Edward nodded shakily. He knew Regice might just freeze her or something, but hoped for at least some guarantee that something could be done.

    As they continued Edward consciously made out the change in light intensity; soon the tube he and Nuria were in was illuminated brightly by an icy blue, and the air was unbelievably freezing. Both he and Nuria were shivering violently; they now each had an arm around each other in an attempt to conserve body heat. What had once been a whitey -blue speck was now a large, sharp pale blue beacon, emanating pure chill.

    “Th-th-th-th-this i-i-is s-s-s-s-s-stup-p-p-id,” Nuria chattered. “Ed-d-d-dy, send out Mudki-i-i-ip.” With a numb, shivering arm he sent out Mudkip, too cold to argue. Mukip materialised and was it was instantly obvious that the cold didn't affect him much. There was something else too, he had his head cocked to the side, as though listening to some far-off voice.

    “M-m-mudki-i-i-ip, use a g-g-gentle Wat-t-t-er G-gun on us,” Nuria said, her teeth clacking. In his distracted state, Mudkip didn't even recognise the command as Nuria, but opened fired water all the same.

    Edward opened his mouth to protest, but got a mouth full of body-temperature water for all his troubles. He felt the water blast pounding all over him, instantly warming him up slightly– he was still cold, but not as much.

    “Good one,” Edward said, no longer shivering. “Thanks, Mudkip,” he said to his Pokemon, but the mud-fish didn't reply, still as though deep in thought. Well, at least he isn't depressed any more, he thought as he recalled Mudkip. The next moment Nuria had carried on walking, Edward following behind, dripping wet. Every now and then the cold would return and nearly freeze their clothes, but each time Edward would simply ask an increasingly distracted Mudkip to use a Water Gun attack, drenching both of the humans and warming them up slightly.

    As the light became more intense, so did the air pressure; several times Edward felt his ears pop. He'd been around enough Legendaries to know he was approaching one.

    “What do we say to it?” Edward asked suddenly, cocking his head to the side. Of course, he'd been thinking about how to battle, but wouldn't he have to convince the ice monster using words as well?

    “How about the truth?” Nuria suggested, not looking up or looking vaguely interested. Edward shrugged, thinking of how the truth would be delivered exactly.

    Hello, Mr. Ice monster, we sort of need you to become part of a suicidal mission to kill something that has destroyed countless planets like this thousands of times over. Are you fine with that?

    Somehow, he didn't think words could cut it.

    As they approached the end of the tunnel, it became apparent that the shining was not an exit, but merely a transition of tunnels. Freezing cold, even though he'd been watered mere seconds ago, Edward could see the sudden transition from shiny grey to clear, dazzling white crystal. No, not crystal, he realized, ice.

    He and Nuria stood, side by side, on the threshold of the ice tunnel, each unsure if it would be safe to go further. Edward's shivers were so powerful he had to lean against the rock for support to stand up, and he'd brought the sodden scruff of his shirt up to his neck to warm him slightly – to no avail. The water that had previously kept him warmer now froze to his clothing, causing his skin to burn from the sheer absence of heat.

    Wordlessly, Nuria was the first to step forward, and the second she did her limbs fell to her side; she whirled around, her features happier than Edward could have thought possible, and said:

    “Eddy, come on – it's warm

    Edward narrowed his eyes. Was this the final stage of hypothermia - delusion?

    “M-m-m-mayb-b-be w-w-we shhhhhhould come back with w-w-warmer c-c-clothes?” he stuttered, his teeth clattering together so violently he barely managed to string together a coherent sentence. In response, Nuria simply rolled her eyes and suddenly pulled Edward over to her, across the boundary of the rock.

    The second he stumbled in, he saw what Nuria meant. The cold was gone, replaced by... he couldn't say if it was hot or not, just... normal. The air felt as though it carried no temperature, nothing to heat or cool the teens. As well has this, he realised he was completely steady, as though the ice was simply not slippery.

    Edward found himself grinning, in spite of the scenario. He felt... comfortable, more comfortable than he thought was possible at this time. Even his nerves had settled. Which led him to wonder, why?

    Was it possible that, now they were in its domain, Regice could shield them from the cold? But that would mean it knows we're here, Edward realised, turning suddenly to see how far the ice-tunnel went on for. He couldn't see an end.

    “So, what do we do?” Nuria asked, perked up considerably, as she began to walk forward, Edward following. Edward, pondering on his last thought, shrugged. “So, when we meet Regice, we, what, explain what's going on first? Will we have to challenge it to prove our worth? Or will it just attack us on sight?”

    “No,” Edward said carefully in response to the last question, “I think we'd be dead if it wanted us dead. I mean, this is basically its territory, right?”

    “Yeah, I suppose so,” Nuria mumbled. She folded her arms behind her head. “So, if we have to fight, what tactics do we use?”

    Edward blinked: what could be effective? Would his Pokemon's attacks actually do anything? Suddenly he jumped: My Pokemon!

    What about Mudkip, Zubat and Nincada? Wouldn't it be fair to know what's going on? After all, there was always a chance... No, don't think that! Latias had said that Legendaries went easy on other Pokemon...But it is a Legendary after all... what if it forgets to be weak?

    But should they know? That would be the nice thing... even sensible in case they freeze up during battle.

    “Hey, Nuria, do you reckon we should tell our Pokemon about... you know?” Edward asked.

    “Why worry them?” she replied, not breaking stride.

    “But, shouldn't they be mentally prepared?”

    Nuria snorted: “Eddy, you do things your way, and I'll do things my way. Shellder will just flop around, Ralts will go all quiet and Bayleef won't talk to me. I think it's best we focus on what to say and how we should battle, personally.”

    Edward shook his head. How could she think that?

    “Well, how about you wait while I talk to my Pokemon, okay?” he suggested. Nuria stopped, sighing.

    “Sure,” she moaned. Edward smiled as he drew three filled Pokeballs from his pocket: a few seconds later, Mudkip and Nincada stood before him, all looking in wonder at the glacial tube around them, Zubat flapping around nervously, oblivious to his surroundings.

    “Um, guys, I have an announcement,” Edward said, his voice solemn and heavy with guilt. If something happens... He shook his head. They'd be fine. Before he continued, however, he noticed a sudden change come over his Pokemon, each of their faces changing as some sort of understanding dawned on them.

    Nincada stood stock-still, shivering erratically, despite the absence of cold. Zubat suddenly shrieked, beating his wings furiously, as he darted around the air, shouting: “Retreat, retreat, retreat!”, all the whilst Mudkip's eyes lit up as though possessed by wonder.

    Edward wasn't sure which freaked him out the most.

    Zubat suddenly flew an inch in front of Edward's face, breathing heavily.

    “Master, we must flee now! There is a monster in yonder cavern – it would kill us for sure! We must run, flee, retreat, fly!”

    “Zubat,” Edward said quickly as the Zubat finally drew breath, “relax, do not panic. I'll explain what's going on.”

    Slowly but steadily, the Zubat's wings began to calm, though the bat had begun to hyperventilate. I'd better be quick, Edward thought.

    “Well, in short, there's a... murderer,”Let's leave it at that, “which is killing Legendary Pokemon,” (each of the Pokemon gasped), “so Latias and...Latios have chosen us to help by convincing each Legendary to make a stand.”

    Mudkip and Nincada's eyes bulged. If Zubat had any, Edward was sure they would have too.

    “I knew I sensed something! Will we battle them?” Mudkip asked, excitement shaking his voice. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting.

    “Well, yes, probably,” Edward said. Instantly Zubat was airborne, screaming obscenities about how bad an idea this was, Nincada's eyes screamed of pure horror and Mudkip began to jump slightly, grinning maniacally.

    “Zubat, stop!” Edward shouted over the screeches of the erratic bat. “Latias told us that you would all be safe, that Legendary Pokemon do not seriously harm regular Pokemon. So I'm just telling you that you'll be safe, no matter what, okay? Even if push comes to shove, Nuria's Ralts will save us. I just wanted to make sure that you're aware of what's going on in case we need to battle Regice. Is everyone okay with that?”

    Edward suddenly noticed that Mudkip's eyes were glued shut, his body bouncing slightly as though he was trying his best to control his energy. Suddenly he shot his eyes open, excitement and determination like a flare in his face:

    “I can't wait!” he barked happily, almost giddy. “I'll beat that Regice all by myself! It might even be impressed! I might even evolve! Then I'll be the most powerful Pokemon EVER!”

    Edward smiled weakly at the mud fish as Nuria began to laugh. Leaving Mudkip to his dreams of awesomeness, Edward turned to Nincada. It didn't move.

    “Nincada?” Edward asked, concern in his voice. “Are you all right?”

    “The cold,” the insect rasped is hoarse whisper, “the ice. It burns me. Please, master, go back, don't make me go to the frozen place.”

    Edward took a second to process what Nincada was saying. Then it dawned on him. When the Ice Punch landed on Nincada... when he became encased in the ice... Nincada's look of horror... Nincada wasn't just weak to ice types, Edward realised, ice itself scared him witless.

    Before he could speak, Nuria interjected: “Wait, so just because you're afraid of a little frozen water you're going to wuss out altogether?”

    Edward did his best to shoot daggers at Nuria, but she just shrugged. Turning to his insect Pokemon, he kneeled down and placed a hand on his head.

    “Nincada, if you really don't want to come, I won't make you, but it will be a lot harder without your Digging, do you understand?”

    Nincada didn't reply, although its shaking began to calm slightly. Nuria tutted behind him, but Edward simply ignored her.

    He then turned to Zubat, who was lying on his stomach, his twin tails too frail to allow him to stand.

    “Master, if it is thine wish, I would be honoured to do it. Prithee, however, I have two questions: how are we to fight such a great creature, and what will happen when - if - we fail our endeavour?”

    After a few seconds of thinking, Edward replied:

    “We'll improvise when battling and I've already got some idea, but what do you mean with the other question?”

    “I mean, if we were to lose the battle, what would be done?”

    “As I said, Ralts would Teleport us all out of there, okay?” he said, smiling with all the courage he could muster. As long as she doesn't get knocked out first or Regice doesn't let us leave, he said internally, fear gripping his heart yet again. He found himself beginning to panic again. It could kill us, it could kill us.

    From behind him, Edward felt Nuria place a comforting hand on his shoulder. He relaxed only slightly, his breathing still very quick. This will be the only chance we have to survive. I shouldn't fear death any more. But the fear was impossible to eradicate; he only suppressed it. Standing, he recalled Zubat and Mudkip and went over to the paralysed Nincada. Holding him gently, Edward picked up the insect and carried him over to the rock a few metres away.

    “Are you sure you can't come?” Edward asked tentatively. Nincada didn't reply, but started to burrow into the rock, then covered itself with the pebbles. Edward sighed, rose, and walked back over to Nuria.

    “Done yet? That was a waste of time – now we just have one Pokemon down.”

    Edward ground his teeth.

    “Nuria, you do things your way, and I'll do things my way, okay?” he said venomously. Nuria shrugged and began to walk.

    After a few minutes Edward found himself strategising absent-mindedly: there were no type advantages against Regice between him and Nuria... would Zubat's Supersonic work? Between them there were two type disadvantages... speaking of which...

    “Will Bayleef fight for us?” Edward asked over to Nuria. She wavered her hand, unsure. “What?” Edward asked.

    “Probably,” she said optimistically. Edward sighed.

    “Well, what moves does your Shellder know?” he asked.

    “Tackle, Withdraw, Supersonic, Icicle Spear, Protect, Leer and Clamp,” she said slowly. Edward's eyebrows shot up.

    “Whoa. What level is this thing, again?”

    “Only level nine – I guess both his parents were high-ish level Shellders. You know how that works, right?”

    Edward realised he did know, except he'd just learned about it so long ago that he'd forgotten. It was that if a Pokemon's parents had the same moves that the offspring could learn, the child could learn it upon birth. Therefore, both of Shellders parents were strong enough to learn all the moves it knows now. He guessed that he'd forgotten this just because... because none of my Pokemon have any special moves... The thought annoyed him more than it should have, leading him to wonder why this was. Well, he knew starters were bred specifically so they did not have over-powered moves, but apart from Mudkip and Bayleef, he had no idea; he stored the question in his mind for further enquiry later, right next to the question about how Pokemon even learn moves in the first place.

    “Yeah, I suppose,” he said, his mind beginning to strategise without his permission again. Shellder could take an attack or two with Protect and Withdraw, and Leer could weaken it somewhat... but once again, would that even work? Would scary eyes weaken such a powerful being?

    The air pressure was still building, he realised it was a matter of time before they would encounter it. His heart began race; he felt as though he was about to throw up. He felt so unsure, so worried, so panicked.

    And suddenly they were there.

    Edward's gaze shot upwards when he suddenly realised he was in a giant cavern of white, so similar in colour to the tunnel he simply hadn't noticed the transition. Huge, needle-sharp stalactites pointed down on the humans. Even though he knew they must have been there for thousands of years, Edward had a feeling they could fall and skewer him and his friend in a second if Regice so chose.

    Edward's head snapped forward at the thought, searching for the Legendary Pokemon. But before his eyes he could only make out the beautiful, glittering dome-like cavern; the wall sparkling like an uncut diamond and had the same-shaped irregular formations of various shades of light blue and white. The floor twinkled as though layered with a fine sheet of snow. But he could make out no visible Pokemon, Legendary or otherwise.

    Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was looking at something... he simply felt drawn to looking into a certain space in the middle of the chamber, the space that pure chill seemed to emanate from.

    “Greetings,” said a voice pleasantly. Its tone was completely at odds with its cold, dry voice which one would associate with a serial killer. Edward's eyes widened as he tried to place the source of the noise, but still saw glittering white. He saw Nuria searching by him, but to no avail.

    “Do not panic,” said the voice again, calm and steady, and still from nowhere, “I stand before you, merely camouflaged into my surroundings. Can you see me now?”

    Edward caught a small moving crystal, and instantly his eyes latched onto the bigger creature.

    Its pale, bluey-white, pointed, elongated hexagonal arm ended in three miniature, hexagonal crystals, similar to the arm itself. The body was simply a longer, thicker crystal, otherwise identical to the arm. Behind the Pokemon's body were four more crystals in two rows, extended pointedly like short, spindly wings. Looking closer, Edward could roughly make out a plus sign on the body made out of yellow circles – three up, five across – on the edge on the two central crystal faces. It stood completely still, its finely-pointed legs balancing the creature perfectly. Edward was under the impression that the Legendary hadn't ever moved.

    He also couldn't help think how... lacklustre the Pokemon's appearance was. There was no doubt in his mind that this was in fact Regice, but he had expected so much more. There were none of Latios' menace, none of Latias' brilliant red feathers... just ice.

    That wasn't to say he couldn't feel its power; it was simply a different power to that of the dragons. This legend felt far more... durable. He had the impression that it would still be standing even if a nuclear bomb detonated right next to it. Still standing, looking forward into some far-off distance that only it could see...

    “So, you have something to ask of me,” it said politely. It paused, expectancy ripe in the air.

    Edward exchanged a confused glance with Nuria: this isn't going the way I pictured it. His muscles were tense, ready for battle at any second. Slowly and cautiously, Nuria spread her hands.

    “Well, um, Sir, well, Latios sent us to, uh, ask you to, um...” Nuria trailed off, looking back to Edward for help.

    “Do not panic, I know of what you are to ask, and who sent you,” Regice said placidly. “I merely wanted to hear your version of what you are to ask me,” it paused again, evidently waiting for some sort of answer. Nuria nudged Edward forward; after a brief icy stare at his friend, Edward turned to the ice-sculpure.

    “Well, there's a murderer killing Legendary Pokemon,” he said as slowly and calmly as possible, “and...we thought that... you'd help us...try to, uh, kill it, in a stand with the other Legendary Pokemon...” As soon as he stopped talking he realised he was blushing violently, his face hot. He just found what he said too...honest – he didn't sugar-coat it enough, it just sounded too much. Sparing a brief glance behind, Nuria must have felt the same way; her face was buried in her palm. I've screwed this up, Edward knew, his hand reaching into his pocket and closing around a Pokeball. He could feel Nuria doing the same. Maybe if she sends Ralts out we can flee before-

    “Very good. You have been truthful. I will help,” Regice said simply, deflating the pressure. Edward froze for a second, unsure.

    “Sorry?” he asked abruptly.

    “I said I will help when the need arises,” the ice creature summarised, staring blankly at the perplexed humans. “Is that not what you want?”

    There was a strained silence.

    “But,” Nuria started, pausing to choose the right words, “don't you want to battle or...something?”

    “What would that accomplish? I am assured of your good nature in your honesty. We are short enough on time as it is, why waste more?”

    There was another silence. It's got a point, Edward had to concede.

    “So... we can go now?” Nuria asked tentatively. Almost immediately, the Legendary replied:

    “Of course. I think you would also like to know that my siblings inhabit the Hoenn desert and on a hill in the Route 120. They will await your arrival. Now, leave.”

    Even though it was a command, Edward felt himself free to make the choice, as though Regice wasn't really forcing him. Even so, he and Nuria turned, deeply disorientated, and started to shuffle back toward the tunnel.

    “Oh, and if I may,” Regice's gravely yet cheery voice called, “before you find my siblings, train hard with your Pokemon. They are in no way half as welcoming as I.”

    “Thank-you,” Edward said quietly as he followed Nuria out of the hall, already beginning to dread his next encounter with a Legendary Pokemon.


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 23rd November 2012 at 11:43 PM.
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  7. #107
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    Regice seems...
    like his personality just doesn't quite fit.
    He's cooler than ice, yet you make him blunt in one paragraph, and caring in another.
    Good parts, plot progression.
    Don't make every legendary battle like this.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
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  8. #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Chapter 14
    Regice


    The tunnel seemed to go on forever, an endless seam of darkness in the rock. Edward's hands were placed on the walls at all times, keeping him steady whenever he kicked Nuria in the back of the leg or stood on her heel, and therefore all the times she kicked back.

    They walked for what could have been miles in complete silence, Edward consumed by thoughts of dread and trying to keep his breathing under control. He didn't feel as scared as before: maybe it was the fact that Nuria was with him, perhaps because he knew that it couldn't get any worse, or maybe he was in some form of shock, like a car-crash survivor.

    After maybe half an hour, Edward found his arms wrapped around his chest: Why's it so cold?
    It feels a little unusual that you note they could have been walking for miles but then say that they were only walking for half an hour. I don't think it would be easy to walk "miles" in that little an amount of time.

    Then it struck him: Oh, Regice! How did I not realise that before? He found himself thinking back to anything he might have seen or heard that would help him visualize Regice. He bit his lip. Why couldn't he remember? Had he not had stories of legends read to him by his parents as a bed-time story when he was but a boy? Hadn't he read those books himself as he matured? He knew Regice was a guardian of... something, but apart from that, nothing. Was there no picture of Regice? Then again, if Regice had been down here all this time, how would a picture get taken? the rational part of his mind responded.

    After perhaps another half an hour, Edward's teeth were chattering loudly, his arms folded up his shirt to conserve heat. He could hear Nuria breathing shakily in front of him, and judging by her dimly lit outline-

    Edward suddenly jolted when he realised he could just about see Nuria and the walls of the cave, dimly illuminated by a light blue. His eyes must have become accustomed so slowly that he hadn't noticed it. Craning his head over Nuria's shoulder, he could see a far-off pin-prick of pale blue light.

    “N-N-Nuria,” he stammered through chattering teeth, “Wh-h-h-h-hat is that?”

    There was a long pause.

    “Nu-Nuria?” he asked again, and once again there was no answer. Edward just shut up and kept on walking.

    After another long silence, marred only by the rough scraping of shoes, Nuria finally spoke.

    “How d-do we f-f-f-fight it?” Nuria said, teeth chattering. Too cold to speak, Edward just shrugged. Then he realised that must have been what Nuria had done earlier. Clearing his throat, he spoke up:
    Boy, this could be bad news for them, since they went in unprepared and now realize it. It's too late now, though.

    “I dunno... Zubat could confuse it.”

    Another silence.

    “D-d-do you really th-think that'll work?” she asked sceptically.
    It really drives home how dire this situation is when you see Nuria, who was previously assertive and confident, clearly worried about their prospects.

    “I... dunno...” Edward repeated, his mind working. If a fight were to start, what could his Pokemon do? Not even Ralts could do anything in the presence of Latios. So... against Regice? Ice type moves would knock out both Nincada and Zubat... kill, even...

    Edward stopped moving. What am I doing? He and his Pokemon could easily die... even though Latias said that they went easy on Pokemon... but humans? How would they be able to escape an attack if Regice wasn't too friendly?

    “N-Nuria, will Ralts save us if,” he struggled for the right words, “ if things go wrong?”

    Another silence, albeit much heavier.

    “Depends,” she said monotonously, “i-if Regice l-l-l-lets her.”
    No pun intended, but that last bit - "if Regice lets her" - is really chilling. It really makes you feel just how much of a risk this whole operation is.

    Edward nodded shakily. He knew Regice might just freeze her or something, but hoped for at least some guarantee that something could be done.

    As they continued Edward consciously made out the change in light intensity; soon the tube he and Nuria were in was illuminated brightly by an icy blue, and the air was unbelievably freezing. Both he and Nuria were shivering violently; they now each had an arm around each other in an attempt to conserve body heat. What had once been a whitey -blue speck was now a large, sharp pale blue beacon, emanating pure chill.
    "Unbelievably freezing" sounds a little odd; I think I'd go with "unbelievably cold" instead.

    “Th-th-th-th-this i-i-is s-s-s-s-s-stup-p-p-id,” Nuria chattered. “Ed-d-d-dy, send out Mudki-i-i-ip.” With a numb, shivering arm he sent out Mudkip, too cold to argue. Mukip materialised and was it was instantly obvious that the cold didn't affect him much. There was something else too, he had his head cocked to the side, as though listening to some far-off voice.

    “M-m-mudki-i-i-ip, use a g-g-gentle Wat-t-t-er G-gun on us,” Nuria said, her teeth clacking. In his distracted state, Mudkip didn't even recognise the command as Nuria, but opened fired water all the same.

    Edward opened his mouth to protest, but got a mouth full of body-temperature water for all his troubles. He felt the water blast pounding all over him, instantly warming him up slightly– he was still cold, but not as much.

    “Good one,” Edward said, no longer shivering. “Thanks, Mudkip,” he said to his Pokemon, but the mud-fish didn't reply, still as though deep in thought. Well, at least he isn't depressed any more, he thought as he recalled Mudkip. The next moment Nuria had carried on walking, Edward following behind, dripping wet. Every now and then the cold would return and nearly freeze their clothes, but each time Edward would simply ask an increasingly distracted Mudkip to use a Water Gun attack, drenching both of the humans and warming them up slightly.
    Okay, I have to point out that this part strains logic severely.

    Mudkip spraying normal-temperature water on people while they are in a freezing environment would do nothing but get them wet, and if you're wet in a freezing environment, you will get hypothermia and ultimately freeze to death. If Mudkip was using Scald (and thus, spraying them with hot water) it would make a little more sense, but the point would still apply because Edward and Nuria would still be wet.

    As the light became more intense, so did the air pressure; several times Edward felt his ears pop. He'd been around enough Legendaries to know he was approaching one.

    “What do we say to it?” Edward asked suddenly, cocking his head to the side. Of course, he'd been thinking about how to battle, but wouldn't he have to convince the ice monster using words as well?

    “How about the truth?” Nuria suggested, not looking up or looking vaguely interested. Edward shrugged, thinking of how the truth would be delivered exactly.

    Hello, Mr. Ice monster, we sort of need you to become part of a suicidal mission to kill something that has destroyed countless planets like this thousands of times over. Are you fine with that?

    Somehow, he didn't think words could cut it.
    He should hope that words do cut it, because they're likely screwed otherwise.

    As they approached the end of the tunnel, it became apparent that the shining was not an exit, but merely a transition of tunnels. Freezing cold, even though he'd been watered mere seconds ago, Edward could see the sudden transition from shiny grey to clear, dazzling white crystal. No, not crystal, he realized, ice.

    He and Nuria stood, side by side, on the threshold of the ice tunnel, each unsure if it would be safe to go further. Edward's shivers were so powerful he had to lean against the rock for support to stand up, and he'd brought the sodden scruff of his shirt up to his neck to warm him slightly – to no avail. The water that had previously kept him warmer now froze to his clothing, causing his skin to burn from the sheer absence of heat.

    Wordlessly, Nuria was the first to step forward, and the second she did her limbs fell to her side; she whirled around, her features happier than Edward could have thought possible, and said:

    “Eddy, come on – it's warm

    Edward narrowed his eyes. Was this the final stage of hypothermia - delusion?
    Here, you've pointed out the problem with the Water Gun solution, so perhaps it isn't as severe a mistake after all. Was it just a moment of bad judgment on Edward and Nuria's part?

    “M-m-m-mayb-b-be w-w-we shhhhhhould come back with w-w-warmer c-c-clothes?” he stuttered, his teeth clattering together so violently he barely managed to string together a coherent sentence. In response, Nuria simply rolled her eyes and suddenly pulled Edward over to her, across the boundary of the rock.

    The second he stumbled in, he saw what Nuria meant. The cold was gone, replaced by... he couldn't say if it was hot or not, just... normal. The air felt as though it carried no temperature, nothing to heat or cool the teens. As well has this, he realised he was completely steady, as though the ice was simply not slippery.

    Edward found himself grinning, in spite of the scenario. He felt... comfortable, more comfortable than he thought was possible at this time. Even his nerves had settled. Which led him to wonder, why?

    Was it possible that, now they were in its domain, Regice could shield them from the cold? But that would mean it knows we're here, Edward realised, turning suddenly to see how far the ice-tunnel went on for. He couldn't see an end.
    Thing is, if Regice doesn't want them there, it doesn't have to shield them from the cold. It probably doesn't make a difference as far as Regice is concerned.

    “So, what do we do?” Nuria asked, perked up considerably, as she began to walk forward, Edward following. Edward, pondering on his last thought, shrugged. “So, when we meet Regice, we, what, explain what's going on first? Will we have to challenge it to prove our worth? Or will it just attack us on sight?”

    “No,” Edward said carefully in response to the last question, “I think we'd be dead if it wanted us dead. I mean, this is basically its territory, right?”

    “Yeah, I suppose so,” Nuria mumbled. She folded her arms behind her head. “So, if we have to fight, what tactics do we use?”

    Edward blinked: what could be effective? Would his Pokemon's attacks actually do anything? Suddenly he jumped: My Pokemon!

    What about Mudkip, Zubat and Nincada? Wouldn't it be fair to know what's going on? After all, there was always a chance... No, don't think that! Latias had said that Legendaries went easy on other Pokemon...But it is a Legendary after all... what if it forgets to be weak?

    But should they know? That would be the nice thing... even sensible in case they freeze up during battle.

    “Hey, Nuria, do you reckon we should tell our Pokemon about... you know?” Edward asked.

    “Why worry them?” she replied, not breaking stride.

    “But, shouldn't they be mentally prepared?”

    Nuria snorted: “Eddy, you do things your way, and I'll do things my way. Shellder will just flop around, Ralts will go all quiet and Bayleef won't talk to me. I think it's best we focus on what to say and how we should battle, personally.”
    I think Edward actually has a point here. Nuria might be acting a bit too confidently right now.

    Edward shook his head. How could she think that?

    “Well, how about you wait while I talk to my Pokemon, okay?” he suggested. Nuria stopped, sighing.

    “Sure,” she moaned. Edward smiled as he drew three filled Pokeballs from his pocket: a few seconds later, Mudkip and Nincada stood before him, all looking in wonder at the glacial tube around them, Zubat flapping around nervously, oblivious to his surroundings.

    “Um, guys, I have an announcement,” Edward said, his voice solemn and heavy with guilt. If something happens... He shook his head. They'd be fine. Before he continued, however, he noticed a sudden change come over his Pokemon, each of their faces changing as some sort of understanding dawned on them.

    Nincada stood stock-still, shivering erratically, despite the absence of cold. Zubat suddenly shrieked, beating his wings furiously, as he darted around the air, shouting: “Retreat, retreat, retreat!”, all the whilst Mudkip's eyes lit up as though possessed by wonder.

    Edward wasn't sure which freaked him out the most.

    Zubat suddenly flew an inch in front of Edward's face, breathing heavily.

    “Master, we must flee now! There is a monster in yonder cavern – it would kill us for sure! We must run, flee, retreat, fly!”

    “Zubat,” Edward said quickly as the Zubat finally drew breath, “relax, do not panic. I'll explain what's going on.”

    Slowly but steadily, the Zubat's wings began to calm, though the bat had begun to hyperventilate. I'd better be quick, Edward thought.
    In ordinary circumstances the image of a hyperventilating Zubat would be kind of funny, but things are so serious here that it's hard to laugh.

    “Well, in short, there's a... murderer,”Let's leave it at that, “which is killing Legendary Pokemon,” (each of the Pokemon gasped), “so Latias and...Latios have chosen us to help by convincing each Legendary to make a stand.”

    Mudkip and Nincada's eyes bulged. If Zubat had any, Edward was sure they would have too.

    “I knew I sensed something! Will we battle them?” Mudkip asked, excitement shaking his voice. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting.

    “Well, yes, probably,” Edward said. Instantly Zubat was airborne, screaming obscenities about how bad an idea this was, Nincada's eyes screamed of pure horror and Mudkip began to jump slightly, grinning maniacally.

    “Zubat, stop!” Edward shouted over the screeches of the erratic bat. “Latias told us that you would all be safe, that Legendary Pokemon do not seriously harm regular Pokemon. So I'm just telling you that you'll be safe, no matter what, okay? Even if push comes to shove, Nuria's Ralts will save us. I just wanted to make sure that you're aware of what's going on in case we need to battle Regice. Is everyone okay with that?”

    Edward suddenly noticed that Mudkip's eyes were glued shut, his body bouncing slightly as though he was trying his best to control his energy. Suddenly he shot his eyes open, excitement and determination like a flare in his face:

    “I can't wait!” he barked happily, almost giddy. “I'll beat that Regice all by myself! It might even be impressed! I might even evolve! Then I'll be the most powerful Pokemon EVER!”
    Mudkip might be overconfident, but he's so cheery about it that you can't help but love him.

    Edward smiled weakly at the mud fish as Nuria began to laugh. Leaving Mudkip to his dreams of awesomeness, Edward turned to Nincada. It didn't move.

    “Nincada?” Edward asked, concern in his voice. “Are you all right?”

    “The cold,” the insect rasped is hoarse whisper, “the ice. It burns me. Please, master, go back, don't make me go to the frozen place.”

    Edward took a second to process what Nincada was saying. Then it dawned on him. When the Ice Punch landed on Nincada... when he became encased in the ice... Nincada's look of horror... Nincada wasn't just weak to ice types, Edward realised, ice itself scared him witless.
    Nincada's fear is totally understandable, but still, the way he delivers it is somewhat disturbing.

    Before he could speak, Nuria interjected: “Wait, so just because you're afraid of a little frozen water you're going to wuss out altogether?”
    Sorry, but Nuria, that one was out of line.

    “I mean, if we were to lose the battle, what would be done?”

    “As I said, Ralts would Teleport us all out of there, okay?” he said, smiling with all the courage he could muster. As long as she doesn't get knocked out first or Regice doesn't let us leave, he said internally, fear gripping his heart yet again. He found himself beginning to panic again. It could kill us, it could kill us.
    Wouldn't the solution to this then be to not let Ralts battle and hold her back until they need her to escape?

    From behind him, Edward felt Nuria place a comforting hand on his shoulder. He relaxed only slightly, his breathing still very quick. This will be the only chance we have to survive. I shouldn't fear death any more. But the fear was impossible to eradicate; he only suppressed it. Standing, he recalled Zubat and Mudkip and went over to the paralysed Nincada. Holding him gently, Edward picked up the insect and carried him over to the rock a few metres away.

    “Are you sure you can't come?” Edward asked tentatively. Nincada didn't reply, but started to burrow into the rock, then covered itself with the pebbles. Edward sighed, rose, and walked back over to Nuria.
    This was a good scene, but you inconsistently referred to Nincada as "he" and then "it."


    “Will Bayleef fight for us?” Edward asked over to Nuria. She wavered her hand, unsure. “What?” Edward asked.
    Shouldn't that say "Nuria asked" at the end, not "Edward asked?"

    If that's the case, it should be separated into two individual lines since two people are speaking.

    The air pressure was still building, he realised it was a matter of time before they would encounter it. His heart began race; he felt as though he was about to throw up. He felt so unsure, so worried, so panicked.
    "His heart began to race."

    And suddenly they were there.

    Edward's gaze shot upwards when he suddenly realised he was in a giant cavern of white, so similar in colour to the tunnel he simply hadn't noticed the transition. Huge, needle-sharp stalactites pointed down on the humans. Even though he knew they must have been there for thousands of years, Edward had a feeling they could fall and skewer him and his friend in a second if Regice so chose.

    Edward's head snapped forward at the thought, searching for the Legendary Pokemon. But before his eyes he could only make out the beautiful, glittering dome-like cavern; the wall sparkling like an uncut diamond and had the same-shaped irregular formations of various shades of light blue and white. The floor twinkled as though layered with a fine sheet of snow. But he could make out no visible Pokemon, Legendary or otherwise.

    Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was looking at something... he simply felt drawn to looking into a certain space in the middle of the chamber, the space that pure chill seemed to emanate from.
    Beautiful visual here.

    “Greetings,” said a voice pleasantly. Its tone was completely at odds with its cold, dry voice which one would associate with a serial killer. Edward's eyes widened as he tried to place the source of the noise, but still saw glittering white. He saw Nuria searching by him, but to no avail.

    “Do not panic,” said the voice again, calm and steady, and still from nowhere, “I stand before you, merely camouflaged into my surroundings. Can you see me now?”

    Edward caught a small moving crystal, and instantly his eyes latched onto the bigger creature.

    Its pale, bluey-white, pointed, elongated hexagonal arm ended in three miniature, hexagonal crystals, similar to the arm itself. The body was simply a longer, thicker crystal, otherwise identical to the arm. Behind the Pokemon's body were four more crystals in two rows, extended pointedly like short, spindly wings. Looking closer, Edward could roughly make out a plus sign on the body made out of yellow circles – three up, five across – on the edge on the two central crystal faces. It stood completely still, its finely-pointed legs balancing the creature perfectly. Edward was under the impression that the Legendary hadn't ever moved.

    He also couldn't help think how... lacklustre the Pokemon's appearance was. There was no doubt in his mind that this was in fact Regice, but he had expected so much more. There were none of Latios' menace, none of Latias' brilliant red feathers... just ice.
    Regice's voice and tone suit it, and your description of it - "none of Latios's menace, none of Latias's brilliant red feathers... just ice" - is a surprisingly apt description for one of the Regis.

    That wasn't to say he couldn't feel its power; it was simply a different power to that of the dragons. This legend felt far more... durable. He had the impression that it would still be standing even if a nuclear bomb detonated right next to it. Still standing, looking forward into some far-off distance that only it could see...

    “So, you have something to ask of me,” it said politely. It paused, expectancy ripe in the air.

    Edward exchanged a confused glance with Nuria: this isn't going the way I pictured it. His muscles were tense, ready for battle at any second. Slowly and cautiously, Nuria spread her hands.

    “Well, um, Sir, well, Latios sent us to, uh, ask you to, um...” Nuria trailed off, looking back to Edward for help.

    “Do not panic, I know of what you are to ask, and who sent you,” Regice said placidly. “I merely wanted to hear your version of what you are to ask me,” it paused again, evidently waiting for some sort of answer. Nuria nudged Edward forward; after a brief icy stare at his friend, Edward turned to the ice-sculpure.

    “Well, there's a murderer killing Legendary Pokemon,” he said as slowly and calmly as possible, “and...we thought that... you'd help us...try to, uh, kill it, in a stand with the other Legendary Pokemon...” As soon as he stopped talking he realised he was blushing violently, his face hot. He just found what he said too...honest – he didn't sugar-coat it enough, it just sounded too much. Sparing a brief glance behind, Nuria must have felt the same way; her face was buried in her palm. I've screwed this up, Edward knew, his hand reaching into his pocket and closing around a Pokeball. He could feel Nuria doing the same. Maybe if she sends Ralts out we can flee before-

    “Very good. You have been truthful. I will help,” Regice said simply, deflating the pressure. Edward froze for a second, unsure.

    “Sorry?” he asked abruptly.

    “I said I will help when the need arises,” the ice creature summarised, staring blankly at the perplexed humans. “Is that not what you want?”

    There was a strained silence.

    “But,” Nuria started, pausing to choose the right words, “don't you want to battle or...something?”

    “What would that accomplish? I am assured of your good nature in your honesty. We are short enough on time as it is, why waste more?”

    There was another silence. It's got a point, Edward had to concede.

    “So... we can go now?” Nuria asked tentatively. Almost immediately, the Legendary replied:

    “Of course. I think you would also like to know that my siblings inhabit the Hoenn desert and on a hill in the Route 120. They will await your arrival. Now, leave.”

    Even though it was a command, Edward felt himself free to make the choice, as though Regice wasn't really forcing him. Even so, he and Nuria turned, deeply disorientated, and started to shuffle back toward the tunnel.

    “Oh, and if I may,” Regice's gravely yet cheery voice called, “before you find my siblings, train hard with your Pokemon. They are in no way half as welcoming as I.”

    “Thank-you,” Edward said quietly as he followed Nuria out of the hall, already beginning to dread his next encounter with a Legendary Pokemon.
    I feel like that might have been resolved a bit too quickly. There was this massive, chapter-long buildup... and nothing really happened. I think Regice should have at least battled them for training, if Regirock and Registeel are going to be that much harder.

    I'm sorry if this review wasn't as in-depth as usual. I hope you enjoy your trip.

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  9. #109
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    Thank you, Rotomknight and The Great Butler: I do like your criticism and hope to resolve it

    Great Butler, I put in that sentence 'for what could have been miles', meaning it was just a really long, boring walk that, in Edward's mind, seemed to go on forever.

    I've put Mudkip's Water Gun as warming because, as the mud fish's internal body heat is approximately 37.5 degrees Centigrade and the skin temperature of the two humans is much lower than that, the water would heat and warm. But as you said, TGB, soon the more active molecules would disipate into the surroundings, making the remaning water much colder and perhaps freeze. That is why Mudkip would come out again to do it, and did Water Gun quite a few times before it got too cold to be effective at all near the end of the rock tube. I'll highlight that info now.

    And the 'What?' is Edward speaking, replying to Nuria's casual hand wavering.

    I'm dissapointed that the bluntness at the end is so criticised - I thought (and still do) that a smart Pokemon (or anyone) wouldn't want to waste someone's time when the end of the world was imminent.

    Thanks for all the help, everyone, and keep the comments coming!
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  10. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post

    I'm dissapointed that the bluntness at the end is so criticised - I thought (and still do) that a smart Pokemon (or anyone) wouldn't want to waste someone's time when the end of the world was imminent.
    It's not that the ending doesn't make sense - it does, and I agree with your reasoning for it - it's that the buildup for the rest of the chapter made it feel like a little bit of a letdown when nothing happened.

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    And months after you ask me to review, here I am!

    Now, I have to say I'm going to do something I don't normally do, and that's review just the last chapter. Normally, I tackle the first and then work my way forward, but because I read through all fourteen so far and because each chapter is lengthy, I figured this would be easier.

    Not that I would have a lot to talk about anyway. I have to say I've been pleasantly surprised by this fic so far. At first, I was a bit hesitant because the beginning looked a lot like an average trainer fic (complete with the "this kid is going to meet legendaries and here's the start of that plot" route as well as the "this kid is older than average" bit), but the moment Groudon died pretty much overturned every expectation I was harboring for this. In fact, I love the beginning because of how drastically different this is as a trainer fic.

    Beyond that, there's just so much to this fic. To start things off, you have older trainers, sure, but Nuria and Edward's reasons for being older actually make sense. (And I do believe this is one of the few fics where a logical explanation is actually provided.) You reshape the entire Hoenn region and are wonderfully consistent with the details to your new map. Your characters are well-written, and it's beautiful that you cast the underdog (and probably the person who would normally be relegated to traveling companion duty) as the main character. Extra points for emphasizing the usefulness of intelligence over brute force, by the way. Then, there's drama between legendaries (having them get murdered aside), and it creates an intense note of tension that drove me to keep reading. I want to know who this murderer is, and I'm thrilled to watch legendary in-fighting over what to do about it and over who the chosen one should be.

    Moreover, the descriptions are very vivid, and although there were a few grammatical hiccups here and there (The early chapters had me sigh and say to myself, "Oldale. Oldale!"), but generally, they were few in numbers – few enough to be easily looked over in favor of the solid plot and intriguing characters.

    In short, this story is fresh and different, and I'm not sure why I spent so long putting off reviewing.

    But anyway, the detailed review.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Edward's hands were placed on the walls at all times, keeping him steady whenever he kicked Nuria in the back of the leg or stood on her heel, and therefore all the times she kicked back.
    I wonder if this sentence would benefit from rewording. It's just that middle clause (between the commas) that seems out-of-place, especially when you continue on into that last clause.

    They walked for what could have been miles in complete silence,
    Here I have to stop, and it's not really to respond to you. It's actually to respond to something The Great Butler said by letting you know that I think this part is actually okay in my eyes. It depends on how quickly they were walking. For example, brisk walking, flat or downward sloping path, healthy body? You could probably do a mile or two in about fifteen minutes, so a half an hour for plural miles sounds pretty okay to me.

    Of course, you can also change this slightly to say they felt like they walked for miles, and that would be completely legit considering they're getting increasingly uncomfortable.

    Then it struck him: Oh, Regice! How did I not realise that before?
    I lol'd. Not going to lie.

    He knew Regice was a guardian of... something, but apart from that, nothing.
    That actually poses a good question that I couldn't help but stop and think about for awhile while I was reading. There's not much to the legends surrounding the Regis, is there? At most, we get the fact that they were sealed away by people, but it's never really mentioned that they were guardians of anything (aside from Regigigas, who has a legit claim to being legendary) or that they were particularly special in any way. Rather weird, actually.

    …On the other hand, the Latis got the same treatment from the 'dex. Half the Hoenn legendaries actually seem rather random if one thinks about it.

    After perhaps another half an hour, Edward's teeth were chattering loudly, his arms folded up his shirt to conserve heat.
    Put "and" between "loudly" and "his" (after the comma). Be careful about comma splices. If you have two independent clauses in a sentence, you'll need to handle the whole shebang as if it's a compound somehow (either by adding in a conjunction or by using a semicolon) to separate them properly.

    So... against Regice? Ice type moves would knock out both Nincada and Zubat... kill, even...
    I also have to say I feel very comfortable with the narration style here. That sounds weird, sure, but I mean that it helps a reader slip into Edward's mindset a bit easier. It's very hard to write this way outside of a non-serious fic, but here, it's done pretty well. It sticks to Edward's thoughts, highlights his insecurities, and draws out the tension as he feels it. In short, it's a good move.

    “N-Nuria, will Ralts save us if,” he struggled for the right words, “ if things go wrong?”
    I'd say replace the comma after the first "if" with a dash, add in another dash right before the second "if," and punctuate the bit outside of the quotes as if it's its own sentence. The reason why I say that is because it's not a dialogue tag. While it describes how Edward is speaking, it doesn't attach itself to the quote itself with a "said" word, if that makes sense.

    He knew Regice might just freeze her or something, but hoped for at least some guarantee that something could be done.
    Here you can do one of two things. You can either drop the comma, or you can add in "he" between "but" and "hope." As it stands, this isn't a compound by itself because the second clause lacks a subject.

    a whitey -blue speck
    I'd highly recommend using "whitish-blue" or "white-blue." "Whitey" is a racial slur in some parts of the world. ._.

    Mukip materialised and was it was instantly obvious that the cold didn't affect him much.
    Be very careful in the proofreading process. If it helps, wait twenty-four hours after you finish writing to tackle the chapter again. The wait will help you rest, and the longer you separate yourself from your work, the more likely you'll be able to see things from the reader's perspective. (You'll still have a bit of author's bias, but you'll at least be removed enough to be a bit more critical of your own work.) It might also help to read your work aloud while proofreading because that will slow you down and help you hear what you put down on a page, but if you're normally in a public area, it's okay if you don't.

    Either way, try reading this sentence aloud to pick out some of the errors I'm seeing here. There's the obvious Mukip instead of Mudkip, but the rest of it just feels awkwardly worded. I think you mean, "Mudkip materialised, and it was instantly obvious that the cold didn't affect him much," but however you'd like to handle that second half of the sentence is up to you.

    There was something else too, he had his head cocked to the side, as though listening to some far-off voice.
    If it also helps, whenever you put a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) or a comma in a sentence, try replacing them with periods first. If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, you've got a compound and will need a comma-conjunction combination to handle the bridge between one clause and the other. If you get one complete sentence and one fragment, you don't have a compound, and that's when you just use a conjunction and nothing else. Either way, a comma can't be used to separate two independent clauses by itself. It indicates too short of a break to handle joining together two complete thoughts.

    Edward opened his mouth to protest, but got a mouth full of body-temperature water for all his troubles. He felt the water blast pounding all over him, instantly warming him up slightly– he was still cold, but not as much.
    Here's where I have to agree with Butler. While the temperatures may be sound at first, the problem is that the last thing you want to do when it's cold is get wet. The reason why is because dampness causes heat to escape objects quickly, which will cause a rapid drop in core body temperature. Soaking yourself may actually lead to hypothermia and frostbite a lot faster, so it's generally not the healthiest solution if they didn't know how long they'd be in subzero temperatures. Moreover, layering hot water on cold water won't necessarily warm you up.

    This is why it's highly recommended that if you get soaked in cold weather, you seek out shelter and change into dry clothes. (Layering dry clothes on top of wet clothes isn't a guarantee that you'll be protected because you're keeping that layer of wetness against your skin, which will in turn continue to cool down your body and keep your core body temperature low.) Likewise, it's also recommended that you don't spend too much time in cold temperatures (such as a cold rain) if you're soaked – because body temperature is dependent on outside temperature as well.

    Sure, Mudkip would repeat the process, but in the end, it's really, really a bad idea to do because Mudkip would be required to be out and soaking them constantly to keep their body temperature stabilized. That's not particularly practical if you don't know how long you're going to be in the cold (or if you have reason to believe the cold is just going to get worse – and considering Edward is thinking about ways that he can get killed here…).

    Le sauce, if you're interested.

    The second he stumbled in, he saw what Nuria meant. The cold was gone, replaced by... he couldn't say if it was hot or not, just... normal.
    I do have to say this is a really interesting concept to think about. I love it when authors attempt to tackle alien ideas (like a lack of temperature) and pull it off, and I think this is one of those instances. Edward doesn't know how to describe it, and the narration itself stumbles at first to come up with a way but then delivers a vivid description of it and Edward's reaction.

    Edward found himself grinning, in spite of the scenario.
    No need for the comma here.

    Edward blinked: what could be effective?
    Put a period after "blinked" and start off the next sentence with a capital letter. This really isn't a compound because part of this is Edward's thought, and you can't really blink a sentence unless you're awesome at Morse code.

    “I knew I sensed something! Will we battle them?” Mudkip asked, excitement shaking his voice. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting.
    But still beautiful and the exact reason why I love Mudkip.

    Really, you do a very nice job of bringing each Pokémon to life. They're not just cardboard cutouts or the supporting actors to the humans. They're individuals with their own personalities. You have Bayleef, an adamant supporter of Pokémon rights; Mudkip, the overenthusiastic and potentially trigger-happy partner to Edward; Zubat, who's almost like a knight in shining armor stereotype (not that that's a bad thing); Ralts, the Fluttershy of the group who only wants to make Nuria happy; and so forth. Even the Pokémon that don't get as much screentime, such as Nincada, have a little something to their own personalities that make them unique and enjoyable to watch. It's just a well-rounded cast.

    Of course, at the same time, you also don't forget that these Pokémon aren't human, despite the fact that you translate their speech. That's a pitfall that many authors fall into (translating speech leading to forgetting that the characters aren't human), so it's refreshing to see you missed that problem.

    Edward had a feeling they could fall and skewer him and his friend in a second if Regice so chose.
    Might sound better if you ordered it "his friend and him."

    the wall sparkling like an uncut diamond and had the same-shaped irregular formations of various shades of light blue and white.
    The wall sparkled. Otherwise, you'll have verb inconsistency here, and that kind of thing ends up being a little awkward. (Also, the semicolon just before this phrase signals a compound sentence, so you'll need a non-infinitive verb here anyway.)

    Still, beautiful details here.

    Its pale, bluey-white,
    Blue-white. Bluey isn't really a word, unfortunately.

    He also couldn't help think how... lacklustre the Pokemon's appearance was. There was no doubt in his mind that this was in fact Regice, but he had expected so much more. There were none of Latios' menace, none of Latias' brilliant red feathers... just ice.
    Also an interesting take on legendaries. I love that you brought up the idea that "legend" doesn't necessarily mean "awe-inspiring on all levels." Sometimes, real-world gods were just like people, so it's not entirely necessary to make every god be, well, god-like. In this moment, Edward realizes just that. It's just, put simply, very refreshing to see someone treat the legendaries this way – as if to say, "Yeah, they're not all that awesome at times."

    I think that's a lot of the reason why I like your legendaries too. They bicker, they're violent, they're sometimes even judgmental, and some of them are even underwhelming in appearance. There's no hero-worship going on. It's almost like the fic is saying the legendaries are sort of overrated. And it's beautiful to see them taken down a peg not only via less-than-saintly personalities and less-than-impressive impressions (no pun intended) but also via the murders. Sure, they're still massively powerful (and you did a great job in an earlier chapter explaining to what extent), but they're also not invincible.

    “Very good. You have been truthful. I will help,” Regice said simply, deflating the pressure. Edward froze for a second, unsure.

    “Sorry?” he asked abruptly.

    “I said I will help when the need arises,” the ice creature summarised, staring blankly at the perplexed humans. “Is that not what you want?”

    There was a strained silence.

    “But,” Nuria started, pausing to choose the right words, “don't you want to battle or...something?”

    “What would that accomplish? I am assured of your good nature in your honesty. We are short enough on time as it is, why waste more?”

    There was another silence. It's got a point, Edward had to concede.

    “So... we can go now?” Nuria asked tentatively. Almost immediately, the Legendary replied:

    “Of course. I think you would also like to know that my siblings inhabit the Hoenn desert and on a hill in the Route 120. They will await your arrival. Now, leave.”
    I have to disagree with Butler and Rotomknight on the subject of this ending. First off, we were told by Latias and Latios that Regice would be more willing to hear the kids out, so this doesn't entirely strike me as surprising.

    Second and more appropriately, though, it says a lot about the nature of the legendaries. Latios was violent and angry when confronting the kids; Regice wasn't. Regice is cool (no pun intended), calm, rational – almost like a wise king. It just fits, although I can't entirely put into words why; it just feels like something you'd expect from an ancient ice giant with "regi" in its name.

    That and it's a beautiful twist. Sure, maybe that's the part that feels very anticlimactic, but really, it's just hilarious that there was all this buildup towards an epic battle, and we get a rational character instead. I'm sure that wouldn't have worked if we weren't told by Latias previously that that might happen. Even besides that, it's just in general refreshing to know that not every encounter or plot point will involve brute force. Sometimes, diplomacy will be used, and given the way you handle your characters, I have every reason to believe the diplomacy parts will be anything but boring.


    In short, you have interesting characters, a plot that happily trots off the beaten path shortly after it starts, wonderful descriptions, and it's in no way pretentious or nonsensical. Every little bit is solid, and every battle and encounter is actually exciting. I'm not sure why I took so long to read this, but I'm very glad I did because I'm absolutely fascinated by what you're doing here.

    I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

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    ..........
    There are two reasons I haven't been on here for some time. The first is that I've been laden with GCSE exams. The second, and most importanteason, is that I've been trying to find words to express my emotions to the above post.

    I didn't find any. Here's a picture that symbolises a twentieth of my feelings, though:

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    .............
    There are two reasons I have taken so long to post. Firstly, I have been swamped with GCSEs. Second, I have been unable to find words for the above post.

    Here's a picture to demonstrate how I feel when I read it:



    You just about summed up everything I ever wanted to hear about my writing, and I am ever so grateful: I simply cannot fully explain how I feel about it.

    I suppose I'm defeated regarding the 'water in cold' thing, so at least I can say that, being younger than me, the other two trainers could easily have made the same mistake .

    I've just started on the new chapter, so thanks so much for sticking with me everyone!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    There are two reasons I have taken so long to post. Firstly, I have been swamped with GCSEs. Second, I have been unable to find words for the above post.

    Here's a picture to demonstrate how I feel when I read it:

    *EPIC BROFIST OF AWESOME*

    Seriously, though, take your time. Real life >>>>> fanfic, regardless of what some people might say. *sage nod* That and important exams needed to get into uni and whatnot oh god why. (Read: Totally understand.)

    I suppose I'm defeated regarding the 'water in cold' thing, so at least I can say that, being younger than me, the other two trainers could easily have made the same mistake .
    That's very true, now that you mention it. I really don't expect kids to know all the ways you can screw yourself over in the cold. And with only a bit of editing or some mindbending on our part, you can fudge things to take that into account, considering the number of times they use Mudkip to keep warm steadily increases the longer they stay in that passageway. So, that's actually probably buyable when you put it like that.

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    Prologue and Chapter 1

    Three pokemon looked up at the boy expectantly in the forest clearing. The one to his left resembled some sort of tiny dinosaur, light green skin with very rounded limbs. Around the base of the neck-less head were small green beads, that went all the way around the flesh that formed the base of the head. Upon its head a large leaf on a stalk stuck out, just above the large red eyes. Below its featureless body were four featureless legs, each ending with a small white claw. A small tail protruded from its hind, waving gently from side to side. This was a Chikorita, the leaf pokemon. Standly calmly, its leaf waving gently in the cool breeze and, to all intents and purposes, looking pretty bored with the whole ordeal.
    No need to use "featureless" twice in a row like that.

    Either way the prologue got me interested and you seem to know where you're going with this fic., so we can understand the Pokemon, eh? I was kinda surprised that Chikorita was a starter of the Hoenn trio, seemed weird but acceptable. Nuria also exhibits some snark personality in chapter 1 and we get to know she's a bit of a sassy character. Leaving Edward with the pink Pokedex, lolwhat? XD Either way it's a nice beginning and Edward gets a little embarrassed by her behavior. I have a feeling this is heading into the direction of those two ending up together, which would be predictable since it would feel like one of them is simply the other's token love interest, but I dunno. Just guessing, you did a good job at establishing Nuria as a personali-fied character early.

    Chaper 2

    “Oh, it says your a girl. Well hello Chikorita. My name is Nuria, and I'm your new master. I'm sure we will get very strong together and stuff. Hey Eddy!” She called out his dreaded pet name excitedly. “It says on here she already knows Razor Leaf! That means she's already level six. Must be my lucky day.” She looked at Chikorita, a light in her eyes. A possessive, greedy sort of look. The Chikorita sighed.
    Imo, you could just combine the first two sentences into one oh and remember that "your" is possesive like "That's your dog." and "You're" is "you are" as in "You're fifteen-years-old." "Oh, it says you're a girl, well hello Chikorita." what I think the sentence should combine as.

    Interesting, levels exist? It's a fanfic concept I've never come across, but the idea of levels for real life Pokemon is intriguing. I've only seen it in "Pokemon Adventures" the manga. I like Chikorita's characterization, she seems to have a lot of respect for herself and has an established past not to mention she has a nonsense personality. I love Mudkip's personality, he seems to be very motivated to become stronger and I liked the line about how Mudkip's evolved forms are nearly indestructible with an Ice-type move. Nice personality and moments. Nuria waited for Edward, that's cool since it shows those two do somewhat care about each other. And their parents were afraid to let them leave at a young age. Interesting concept regarding "The Shift" it sounds kinda like a Pokemon Swarm in a way. I liked how Chikorita and Mudkip have established personalities, like Chikorita blocking the Pokeball. Either way things look like they'll take off soon.

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    Hope you enjoyed Portugal.

    I thought chapter 14 had a really good opening because it contained a really great example of showing because I can clearly tell by reading the opening that it's cold. It also showed how close Nuria and Edward seem to be. The simile 'like a car-crash survivor' makes the imagery sound really intense and does a good job at building things up. The ending makes me want to read what happens next because I don't think it really has that closure. There's no real cliffhanger because things seem to have settled down.

    The whole chapter as a whole was striking because of the way Regice was characterized. Edward seems to have feared for the worst. And other thing that stood out for me was mudkips. For me mudkips represent adorableness and amusement so seeing mudkip here made me feel very relaxed. The dialogue was good and realistic in my opinion. I like the use of punctuation used to show that they're freeing cold and they're chattering. I thought it was funny when Mudkip was trying to give them a shower to keep them warm. I think that the relationship between Edward and Nuria was very good and credible. Also amusing and satisfying when they came to conclusions.

    I thought it was very well written and the style is kinda straight to the point and not too flowery which makes it all easier to read. I really enjoyed this chapter, kinda refreshing that it's not so dark after all the angst stories I've read recently.


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    Chapter 15
    The Guardian


    The duo said nothing as they walked along the crystal passageway. The events which had just taken place were just too... jarring for Edward to completely grasp. After all those plans and steeled nerves, had they just been... let off the hook?

    Before he knew it they were back to the darker rock tunnel; Edward would have carried straight on had he not seen the quaking collection of pebbles before his feet.

    “Master, you live?” Nincada asked in a weak voice, blatant surprise on his face.

    “Umm, yeah,” Edward said hesitantly, understanding completely why his Pokemon was surprised. Absent-mindedly he fumbled for the hollow Pokeball in his pocket and recalled his bug-type, just before Nincada could open his mouth.

    They continued walking in a complete stupor until they reached the rock cavern. The darkness was now absolute, and Edward took only a few steps before he tripped on a small rock, being unaccustomed to the uneven ground . He cussed as he scraped his palms on more rocks, jarring Nuria to her senses.

    “Go, Ralts,” she mumbled, releasing the white-limbed creature whilst illuminating the chamber. “Take us out of here,” Nuria said as she helped pull Edward to his feet. Edward felt a soft lump of flesh press into his side before the world changed; the landscape was still dark, but a thousand shades lighter, the rocks, ground and ocean all navy blue and thrown into sharp relief. He felt the cool, salty air kick his mind back into motion.

    “So,” he said to his friend as she recalled her Pokemon. “That didn't go quite as expected, did it?”

    The tension snapped; suddenly Edward and Nuria were in fits of giggles – Edward using a boulder for support whilst Nuria collapsed to the ground, holding her ribs as she racked with laughter. All the relief, the confusion, the suppressed panic was coming out in ways the humans couldn't understand.

    “What just happened?” Nuria asked during a pause in her giggles. Edward, who had also calmed down, just stayed sitting, looking into space with a bemused expression.

    “I think... we were let off?” he said incredulously, his joy swelling as he appreciated their good fortune. After all that worry! he couldn't help but think.

    But he could feel his optimism draining slowly, like a small pin-prick letting the air out of a hot-air balloon. Something was scratching at his mind from his subconscious... They are in no way half as welcoming as I.

    Edward deflated all of a sudden as foreboding eclipsed the happiness he had experienced mere seconds ago. Regice was the nice one. So, the others must be...

    “Eddy, what's up?” Nuria asked, her voice piercing his thoughts. He looked up to her face suddenly and tried to animate it with false joy.

    “Nothing!” he said, perhaps too exuberantly. Nuria snorted a short chuckle.

    “Don't think about the other two, Eddy. What does it exactly mean if Regice said they weren't as 'welcoming' as he was? What are they gonna do, not wave at us? They're all related... or something, so they must be similar in some way! What we should be wondering about, though, is our sleeping arrangements for the night.”

    Edward blinked. Of course! The world was silent: everybody must have left the island. Which meant they were alone, on an island in the middle of the ocean for... how many days had the boat-man said?

    No matter how many days, they'd still have to at least sleep for the night. Edward looked around, trying to make out any place which offered anything cosier than rock. Moss? Seaweed? His eyes had just darted past the lips of the mini-mountain when he saw it.

    “Look!” he gasped to Nuria before heading off, nearly tripping a dozen times as he began to climb the few rocks.

    “What is it?” she asked, scepticism and doubt ripe in her voice, as Edward reached the strange object. He lay his hand upon it, feeling the layers of nylon compress upon each other under his touch, and, he detected, a strong, unyielding middle section coated in the soft material.

    “Tent!” he suddenly exclaimed, hefting the bag up as he descended the rocks, more slowly and carefully this time. Not because he was trying to be especially careful, but because the weight of the thing restricted his mobility.

    By the time he reached the base Nuria was there, arms out as though to take his burden from him. Just before he could pass it, however, she suddenly snatched something off the top. Edward could hear the sound of un-crumpling paper as Nuria began to talk:

    “It says,” she muttered, bringing the thin scrap of paper closer to her eyes, “'Boy and girl, you never came out from the cave.' Well, way to state the obvious!”

    “What else?” Edward asked, not wanting to be kept waiting with the rather heavy package.

    “'Because I'm on a tight schedule I can't wait around: sleep in the tent for the night and enjoy the beans. Pack up the tent again in the morning and leave it where you found it. Girl, you have a Ralts. In the morning, use it to get to Slateport.'”

    There was a brief silence as they took in those words.

    “Well then,” Nuria said, perplexed, “we'd better do as the strange old man says.”

    Edward and Nuria spent a while looking for a flat, even patch of land, and Edward spent a few minutes clearing it of small rocks (for Nuria was now holding the tent, her breathing, to Edward's annoyance, not even slightly laboured after five minutes).

    “So, when he said that you should use your Ralts...” Edward began tenuously as he began unzipping the bag as Nuria stood above him.

    “No clue. Ralts can only Teleport to places she's been before. I don't know why he'd-”

    She was suddenly interrupted by the explosion of fabric before her; the tent had suddenly popped up into position, free-standing and sturdy-looking. Edward himself had been pushed backwards onto his back, unhurt yet dazed for a moment. As he sat up he felt something hard under his leg.

    “Found the beans,” he said, lifting up the moderately-sized can for Nuria to see.

    “You know what, I'm really not hungry,” Nuria said with a yawn as she crawled into the tent. Edward shrugged: he felt the same way – his stomach felt too turbulent for even the thought of eating anything.

    “So... time to sleep?” Edward proposed, looking into the mouth of the tent. It was far more spacious than the last, he observed with a grin, enough to fit way more than two people! Speaking of which...

    “Shall we let out our Pokemon again? Just in case...?

    “Sure,” she said, and soon all six Pokemon were free. Instantly Zubat and Mudkip shot forward, as though expecting to attack. They stopped short, though, when they realised they were out in the open air amongst friends.

    “Where's Regice?” Mudkip pined after a second of looking around, looking at Edward with wide, sparkling eyes.

    “Well, it-”

    “Master, so you have seen sense! I am most jubilant that you have chosen to spare our lives!”

    “Thanks Zubat, but-”

    “What's a Regice?” Bayleef interjected. Suddenly all the Pokemon were talking amongst themselves, Mudkip telling stories of massive demons made of ice and Zubat telling anyone who would listen that they were lucky to be alive, with Ralts and Bayleef asking quick questions to the two. Edward prepared himself to shout when he felt a surge of fatigue wash over him – suddenly he couldn't find the energy.

    “Look,” Nuria called over the din, barely suppressing another yawn herself, “we'll all talk about it in the morning. Me and Edward are going to sleep now, and you lot can stay up as late as you want, okay?”

    Without another word she turned, ignoring the bombardment of questions raining down upon her, and got back into the tent. Before he was subjected to the same treatment, Edward slid in after her.

    It was much darker inside the tent, and the voices of the exasperated, news-hungry Pokemon seemed further off. After a few seconds he heard them move off altogether, presumably to the other side of the little island.

    Nuria had lain down near the back of the tent, so Edward lay next to the zipped-up entrance. The temperature was warm, the climate more humid than the previous night, and the floor to the tent was padded ever so slightly, so he didn't feel the need for a sleeping bag. He just lay still for a few seconds, then closed his eyes.

    Thoughts began to plague his mind almost immediately, fear-encased images of the next challenges they'd have to face. The longer he lay in quiet solitude, the more the thoughts panicked him, thus keeping him awake. What will they do when we meet them? was but one of the torturous questions popping in and out of his head, bringing to his mind the image of unspeakable horrors.

    After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning he'd figured out that he needed to do something...

    Something to distract me...

    Of course, he'd been behaving like that ever since they'd come out of the cave; he'd acted on impulse, not thinking his actions through as he normally did. So he lived in the here and now, away from the plagues of his mind.

    So getting off to sleep is nigh-on impossible...

    “Nuria, you awake?” he whispered quietly into the darkness mere moments after coming to this conclusion.

    “Yes,” she said in a clear voice, an ounce of frustration indicating that she, too, had trouble sleeping.

    “Wanna talk?” he asked, turning to face her even though he couldn't see ten centimetres in front of him.

    “Sure,” she said, and the ruffle of material indicated that she too had turned to face him.

    They talked about everything and nothing, any and every topic of interest which entered their heads. All except about their journey, or anything to do with the task. About Pokesports, recent (but not too recent) news, school, food, games, gossip, anything which could distract them for the smallest of moments. It was half-way through the discussion over clothes did he feel his eyelids drooping, and, soon, his entire body relaxing. The next morning, he did not even know the last topic of discussion they'd talked about before he'd fallen asleep.

    ***

    The six Pokemon were in a circle, some sitting, some lying. Almost all of them were attentive, joining in in what was being said.

    “A Legendary Pokemon?” snorted Bayleef sceptically to the bouncing Mudkip opposite her.

    “Yeah,” the mud fish said, his demeanour stroppy. “And he said we could fight it! He proooooomiiiiiised!”

    “Knave!” the Zubat snarled as he lay on his back. “You have no idea the danger that was upon us!”

    “Yeah, yeah,” Mudkip muttered, waving a paw in dismissal, “that's what you think. But who's the one who's weak to ice? Yep, you. I, on the other hand, could have taken it down easily.”

    Before Zubat could reply with a venomous comment, Bayleef started loudly:

    “Look at the pair of you. Legendary Pokemon are waaaaay too powerful to even approach. Even my trainer wouldn't be so-”

    “There was one!” Mudkip barked defiantly. “I could feel it, you know?”

    “I concur!” Zubat screeched. “There was a creature of tremendous power, I could sense it!”

    Bayleef tutted and turned her head, causing the other two Pokemon to speak louder to try and convince her. Meanwhile, Ralts had stood up and slowly paced over to Nincada, who, to all intents and purposes, looked as inanimate as the rocks surrounding him.

    “Was there really?” the psychic type asked quietly, kneeling down in front of the bug. Nincada's eyes suddenly flicked up toward Ralts' head, wide and full of terror.

    “So cold,” he whispered hoarsely. “I could feel death, the frost. So cold.”

    Ralts didn't feel comfortable; she could feel the pure fear radiating off the insect, infecting her with its paralysing grip. A soul-crushing sense of foreboding settled upon her, constricting her chest. Glimpses of the ice cave flashed in her mind, long and infinite from the security of the rocks. And at then end... a terrible presence...

    “The cold is gone,” she whispered gently, placing a reassuring hand on the insect's head. He twitched slightly, then relaxed somewhat, clearing both his and Ralts' heads somewhat. “Here, would you like a present?” she muttered gently, and suddenly Nincada saw something fall from high in the sky and into the psychic-type's hand.

    “Present?” Nincada asked suspiciously, eyeing the object with caution.

    “Yes. Something humans give each other, I think,” she said, holding out the item. A rock. A smooth, oval rock.

    “This is 'present'?” Nincada asked in awe, captivated by the rock.

    “Yes, and it is very special. Mistress Nuria gave it to me, so it must be special.” As she spoke, Ralts could feel tears beginning to form. “I'll give it to you, to remind you that, no matter how cold it is, I promise that I will be here to help you.”

    Nincada didn't say anything. The look of complete adoration on his face and the jubilation of his emotions were enough for Ralts to understand. Gently, careful not to damage it, Nincada's pincers slowly pulled the rock from out of Ralts' hand, and under his head.

    Ralts kept her hand on the insect's head for a few more seconds, and soon the insect was asleep, his dreams, Ralts knew, calm and peaceful.

    Ralts rose steadily, careful not to make a noise, when the sound came crashing down on her:

    “There WAS a Legendary, there WAS there WAS there WAAAAS!” Mudkip screeched, stomping in frustration and cracking the ground. Beside her, Ralts saw Nincada stir ever so slightly. Whether it was the heightened emotional state of the water type before her or her protectiveness of Nincada, Ralts took a step forward, much to the surprise of the three arguing Pokemon.

    “Look,” she whispered loudly, “Nincada,” and then she saw the sleeping bivalve Pokemon, “and Shellder are sleeping! Shouldn't you all too?”

    “I'm trying,” Bayleef said with a sneer, “but these two morons-”

    “Woman!” Zubat said suddenly, “I do take issue with that!”

    “Whatever,” Bayleef yawned, turning her head, “I think that anyone who could be so supportive of slavery can't have even a brain cell!”

    “Oh, this again,” Mudkip moaned, now bored. “For the last time, we're not slaves!”

    “Oh really?” Bayleef rebuked, now looking defiantly into Mudkip's eyes. “Tell me, have you tried to touch your Pokeball?”

    “U-um,” Mudkip stammered, now unsure of himself. “No, but... so what‽ Hey, I'll do it now!” And with that he jumped into a run towards the tent. He stopped when he got there, and, with his teeth, as quietly as possible, gently bit onto the zip of the tent opening, pulling it open. For a second he looked in on the two sleeping humans, feeling a pang of anger at Edward. You promised, he thought as he reached down and grabbed the bag with his teeth, you promised I could fight a Legendary, and now everyone's saying I lied!

    He quickly got back to the others, Edwards back-pack strap in his jaw, and lay it in front of Bayleef. The bag had been left open, the three Pokeballs at the top. He didn't know why or how, but he felt an urge to the one on the left, as though it were pulling him toward it.

    After a second lost to doubt, he quickly swiped a paw in and knocked out his Pokeball.

    Nothing happened.

    “Ha!” Mudkip gloated to Bayleef's face. “Told you so!”

    “Hit it,” Bayleef said, her voice laden with ominous weight. Mudkip, still smiling, walked over to the ball, and, with only a tiny amount of force behind it, brought the paw down on the sphere.

    Electricity surged through Mudkip's muscles, sending him flying, twitching spasmodically. He had tried to yell in pain, but his jaw wouldn't obey him, and neither would his vocal chords. All of a sudden the twitching stopped, and the mud-fish lost consciousness.

    The only sound was Bayleef's high, merciless laugh, the other two Pokemon too shocked at what had just taken place.

    “Do you see now? I tried that on my second day with my last trainer, and that's what I discovered. Humans may speak of equality and united strength, but in the end we are just tools to make themselves stronger. Weapons. They're all the same, spineless, pathetic, stupid-”

    Zubat suddenly flew up, rage surging through him, ready to attack Bayleef.

    “My master is-” he began, before the shock-waves hit him.

    Bayleef was sent flying, rolling and cutting herself of the rough floor, before grinding to a stop. After a second she stood shakily, looking around wildly for the source of the attack, but before her senses could clear Ralts materialised before her, and a blue blast of psychic energy knocked the grass-type to the rock.

    “Don't...” Ralts growled, with far more loathing in her voice than the spectating Zubat could possibly have expected to hear, “...you ever, ever say anything like that about Nuria ever again. You understand?”

    Bayleef opened her mouth to shout a threatening response, but it died in her throat as she saw the enraged Ralts' face, dark with anger beneath the green bonnet. After a few seconds, Ralts disappeared, instantly re-appeared at the mouth of the tent, where she stood, glaring across the land to the defeated Bayleef.

    Nothing more was said between the Pokemon that night. Bayleef's consciousness slowly ebbed out as she tried to comprehend what had just happened, Zubat, his anger dissipated, landed gently after a while and fell to sleep, Mudkip's slightly blackened body lay awkwardly, Nincada stayed dreaming pleasant dreams and Shellder remained motionless on the ground, oblivious to all that had happened.

    But Ralts did not sleep that night. She stayed wide awake, standing before the humans' tent like a guardian, watching the dark, clouded sky. She had felt a change come over her mere moments ago, as though a beast had ripped through her heart and taken possession of her body. How was she supposed to stop this?

    Nobody must ever disrespect Nuria ever again, she concluded. I'll have to protect her. Which means I must become stronger.

    She looked around the island, looking at each boulder in turn. Selecting one at random, she mentally gripped it and willed it to rise. The effort was intense and Ralts could feel sweat already dripping down her face, but the burn was invigorating.

    I will become stronger, she vowed, ripping another boulder from the earth. The strain doubled, and the psychic-type gasped in pain, falling onto her hands and knees. Her breathing rapidly became shorter and deeper, the effort ravaging her little body.

    And, at the very peak of physical and mental endurance, her skin started to glow bright white...


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 30th November 2012 at 9:05 PM.
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  18. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Chapter 15
    The Guardian


    The duo said nothing as they walked along the crystal passageway. The events which had just taken place were just too... jarring for Edward to completely grasp. After all those plans and steeled nerves, had they just been... let off the hook?
    You could probably do without the first ellipsis, but it doesn't really matter. The sentences get the point across just the same.

    Before he knew it they were back to the darker rock tunnel; Edward would have carried straight on had he not seen the quaking collection of pebbles before his feet.

    “Master, you live?” Nincada asked in a weak voice, blatant surprise on his face.
    Ah, I'd forgotten him. It's understandable he'd want to sit that out.

    “Umm, yeah,” Edward said hesitantly, understanding completely why his Pokemon was surprised. Absent-mindedly he fumbled for the hollow Pokeball in his pocket and recalled his bug-type, just before Nincada could open his mouth.

    They continued walking in a complete stupor until they reached the rock cavern. The darkness was now absolute, and Edward took only a few steps before he tripped on a small rock, being unaccustomed to the uneven ground . He cussed as he scraped his palms on more rocks, jarring Nuria to her senses.
    It just hit me how uncharacteristically quiet she was being until now.

    “Go, Ralts,” she mumbled, releasing the white-limbed creature whilst illuminating the chamber. “Take us out of here,” Nuria said as she helped pull Edward to his feet. Edward felt a soft lump of flesh press into his side before the world changed; the landscape was still dark, but a thousand shades lighter, the rocks, ground and ocean all navy blue and thrown into sharp relief. He felt the cool, salty air kick his mind back into motion.

    “So,” he said to his friend as she recalled her Pokemon. “That didn't go quite as expected, did it?”

    The tension snapped; suddenly Edward and Nuria were in fits of giggles – Edward using a boulder for support whilst Nuria collapsed to the ground, holding her ribs as she racked with laughter. All the relief, the confusion, the suppressed panic was coming out in ways the humans couldn't understand.
    You know, this is a completely understandable reaction, if you think about it. There was so much tension and it got resolved in a strange way, so I think laughing is natural.

    “What just happened?” Nuria asked during a pause in her giggles. Edward, who had also calmed down, just stayed sitting, looking into space with a bemused expression.

    “I think... we were let off?” he said incredulously, his joy swelling as he appreciated their good fortune. After all that worry! he couldn't help but think.

    But he could feel his optimism draining slowly, like a small pin-prick letting the air out of a hot-air balloon. Something was scratching at his mind from his subconscious... They are in no way half as welcoming as I.
    Yeah, I was wondering when he was going to remember that. Regirock and Registeel are probably going to make up for Regice in spades.

    Edward deflated all of a sudden as foreboding eclipsed the happiness he had experienced mere seconds ago. Regice was the nice one. So, the others must be...

    “Eddy, what's up?” Nuria asked, her voice piercing his thoughts. He looked up to her face suddenly and tried to animate it with false joy.

    “Nothing!” he said, perhaps too exuberantly. Nuria snorted a short chuckle.

    “Don't think about the other two, Eddy. What does it exactly mean if Regice said they weren't as 'welcoming' as he was? What are they gonna do, not wave at us? They're all related... or something, so they must be similar in some way! What we should be wondering about, though, is our sleeping arrangements for the night.”
    I know I keep saying this, but I love the interaction Edward and Nuria have. They're a very strong pair of protagonists, so they elevate the story simply by being in it.

    Edward blinked. Of course! The world was silent: everybody must have left the island. Which meant they were alone, on an island in the middle of the ocean for... how many days had the boat-man said?
    "The area was silent" is probably a better way to say that in this context, since you're only speaking of the island and not literally the entire world.

    By the time he reached the base Nuria was they, arms out as though to take his burden from him. Just before he could pass it, however, she suddenly snatched something off the top. Edward could hear the sound of un-crumpling paper as Nuria began to talk:
    "Nuria was there," not "they."

    “It says,” she muttered, bringing the thin scrap of paper closer to her eyes, “'Boy and girl, you never came out from the cave.' Well, way to state the obvious!”

    “What else?” Edward asked, not wanting to be kept waiting with the rather heavy package.

    “'Because I'm on a tight schedule I can't wait around: sleep in the tent for the night and enjoy the beans. Pack up the tent again in the morning and leave it where you found it. Girl, you have a Ralts. In the morning, use it to get to Slateport.'”
    That was certainly generous of him to leave them supplies.

    “No clue. Ralts can only Teleport to places she's been before. I don't know why he'd-”

    She was suddenly interrupted by the explosion of fabric before her; the tent had suddenly popped up into position, free-standing and sturdy-looking. Edward himself had been pushed backwards onto his back, unhurt yet dazed for a moment. As he sat up he felt something hard under his leg.

    “Found the beans,” he said, lifting up the moderately-sized can for Nuria to see.
    Okay, that was funny. It really works because of how well they go together.

    “You know what, I'm really not hungry,” Nuria said with a yawn as she crawled into the tent. Edward shrugged: he felt the same way – his stomach felt too turbulent for even the thought of eating anything.

    “So... time to sleep?” Edward proposed, looking into the moth of the tent. It was far more spacious than the last, he observed with a grin, enough to fit way more than two people! Speaking of which...
    The mouth of the tent, you mean?

    “Shall we let out our Pokemon again? Just in case...?

    “Sure,” she said, and soon all six Pokemon were free. Instantly Zubat and Mudkip shot forward, as though expecting to attack. They stopped short, though, when they realised they were out in the open air amongst friends.
    Nice touch showing Zubat and Mudkip unaware of the change in setting and mood. It's consistent with where they were last and what being there caused.

    “Where's Regice?” Mudkip pined after a second of looking around, looking at Edward with wide, sparkling eyes.

    “Well, it-”

    “Master, so you have seen sense! I am most jubilant that you have chosen to spare our lives!”

    “Thanks Zubat, but-”

    “What's a Regice?” Bayleef interjected. Suddenly all the Pokemon were talking amongst themselves, Mudkip telling stories of massive demons made of ice and Zubat telling anyone who would listen that they were lucky to be alive, with Ralts and Bayleef asking quick questions to the two. Edward prepared himself to shout when he felt a surge of fatigue wash over him – suddenly he couldn't find the energy.

    “Look,” Nuria called over the din, barely suppressing another yawn herself, “we'll all talk about it in the morning. Me and Edward are going to sleep now, and you lot can stay up as late as you want, okay?”

    Without another word she turned, ignoring the bombardment of questions raining down upon her, and got back into the tent. Before he was subjected to the same treatment, Edward slid in after her.
    I don't blame Nuria for her seeming exasperation here. I'd feel the same way.

    “Nuria, you awake?” he whispered quietly into the darkness mere moments after coming to this conclusion.

    “Yes,” she said in a clear voice, an ounce of frustration indicating that she, too, had trouble sleeping.

    “Wanna talk?” he asked, turning to face her even though he couldn't see ten centimetres in front of him.

    “Sure,” she said, and the ruffle of material indicated that she too had turned to face him.

    They talked about everything and nothing, any and every topic of interest which entered their heads. All except about their journey, or anything to do with the task. About Pokesports, recent (but not too recent) news, school, food, games, gossip, anything which could distract them for the smallest of moments. It was half-way through the discussion over clothes did he feel his eyelids drooping, and, soon, his entire body relaxing. The next morning, he did not even know the last topic of discussion they'd talked about before he'd fallen asleep.
    I really like this part. It's nothing major story-wise, but it provides a very nice buildup for their relationship as characters. Their friendship makes me smile.

    The six Pokemon were in a circle, some sitting, some lying. Almost all of them were attentive, joining in in what was being said.

    “A Legendary Pokemon?” snorted Bayleef sceptically to the bouncing Mudkip opposite her.

    “Yeah,” the mud fish said, his demeanour stroppy. “And he said we could fight it! He proooooomiiiiiised!”

    “Knave!” the Zubat snarled as he lay on his back. “You have no idea the danger that was upon us!”

    “Yeah, yeah,” Mudkip muttered, waving a paw in dismissal, “that's what you think. But who's the one who's weak to ice? Yep, you. I, on the other hand, could have taken it down easily.”

    Before Zubat could reply with a venomous comment, Bayleef started loudly:

    “Look at the pair of you. Legendary Pokemon are waaaaay too powerful to even approach. Even my trainer wouldn't be so-”

    “There was one!” Mudkip barked defiantly. “I could feel it, you know?”

    “I concur!” Zubat screeched. “There was a creature of tremendous power, I could sense it!”

    Bayleef tutted and turned her head, causing the other two Pokemon to speak louder to try and convince her. Meanwhile, Ralts had stood up and slowly paced over to Nincada, who, to all intents and purposes, looked as inanimate as the rocks surrounding him.

    “Was there really?” the psychic type asked quietly, kneeling down in front of the bug. Nincada's eyes suddenly flicked up toward Ralts' head, wide and full of terror.

    “So cold,” he whispered hoarsely. “I could feel death, the frost. So cold.”
    The Pokemon all have wonderfully distinct personalities and their interaction is excellent. Nincada stands out, though - his sheer terror at what he felt in Regice's cave is so completely unlike all the other Pokemon that you can't help but like him.

    Ralts didn't feel comfortable; she could feel the pure fear radiating off the insect, infecting her with its paralysing grip. A soul-crushing sense of foreboding settled upon her, constricting her chest. Glimpses of the ice cave flashed in her mind, long and infinite from the security of the rocks. And at then end... a terrible presence...

    “The cold is gone,” she whispered gently, placing a reassuring hand on the insect's head. He twitched slightly, then relaxed somewhat, clearing both his and Ralts' heads somewhat. “Here, would you like a present?” she muttered gently, and suddenly Nincada saw something fall from high in the sky and into the psychic-type's hand.

    “Present?” Nincada asked suspiciously, eyeing the object with caution.

    “Yes. Something humans give each other, I think,” she said, holding out the item. A rock. A smooth, oval rock.

    “This is 'present'?” Nincada asked in awe, captivated by the rock.

    “Yes, and it is very special. Mistress Nuria gave it to me, so it must be special.” As she spoke, Ralts could feel tears beginning to form. “I'll give it to you, to remind you that, no matter how cold it is, I promise that I will be here to help you.”

    Nincada didn't say anything. The look of complete adoration on his face and the jubilation of his emotions were enough for Ralts to understand. Gently, careful not to damage it, Nincada's pincers slowly pulled the rock from out of Ralts' hand, and under his head.

    Ralts kept her hand on the insect's head for a few more seconds, and soon the insect was asleep, his dreams, Ralts knew, calm and peaceful.
    Adorable. I hope Ralts and Nincada get more interacting like this; it's like a mother/son bond and it works very well.

    “U-um,” Mudkip stammered, now unsure of himself. “No, but... so what‽ Hey, I'll do it now!” And with that he jumped into a run towards the tent. He stopped when he got there, and, with his teeth, as quietly as possible, gently bit onto the zip of the tent opening, pulling it open. For a second he looked in on the two sleeping humans, feeling a pang of anger at Edward. You promised, he thought as he reached down and grabbed the bag with his teeth, you promised I could fight a Legendary, and now everyone's saying I lied!

    He quickly got back to the others, Edwards back-pack strap in his jaw, and lay it in front of Bayleef. The bag had been left open, the three Pokeballs at the top. He didn't know why or how, but he felt an urge to the one on the left, as though it were pulling him toward it.

    After a second lost to doubt, he quickly swiped a paw in and knocked out his Pokeball.

    Nothing happened.

    “Ha!” Mudkip gloated to Bayleef's face. “Told you so!”

    “Hit it,” Bayleef said, her voice laden with ominous weight. Mudkip, still smiling, walked over to the ball, and, with only a tiny amount of force behind it, brought the paw down on the sphere.

    Electricity surged through Mudkip's muscles, sending him flying, twitching spasmodically. He had tried to yell in pain, but his jaw wouldn't obey him, and neither would his vocal chords. All of a sudden the twitching stopped, and the mud-fish lost consciousness.

    The only sound was Bayleef's high, merciless laugh, the other two Pokemon too shocked at what had just taken place.

    “Do you see now? I tried that on my second day with my last trainer, and that's what I discovered. Humans may speak of equality and united strength, but in the end we are just tools to make themselves stronger. Weapons. They're all the same, spineless, pathetic, stupid-”

    Zubat suddenly flew up, rage surging through him, ready to attack Bayleef.

    “My master is-” he began, before the shock-waves hit him.

    Bayleef was sent flying, rolling and cutting herself of the rough floor, before grinding to a stop. After a second she stood shakily, looking around wildly for the source of the attack, but before her senses could clear Ralts materialised before her, and a blue blast of psychic energy knocked the grass-type to the rock.

    “Don't...” Ralts growled, with far more loathing in her voice than the spectating Zubat could possibly have expected to hear, “...you ever, ever say anything like that about Nuria ever again. You understand?”

    Bayleef opened her mouth to shout a threatening response, but it died in her throat as she saw the enraged Ralts' face, dark with anger beneath the green bonnet. After a few seconds, Ralts disappeared, instantly re-appeared at the mouth of the tent, where she stood, glaring across the land to the defeated Bayleef.
    Here, once again, is where your excellent characterization is important. An intense sequence like this couldn't have worked without it.

    Nothing more was said between the Pokemon that night. Bayleef's consciousness slowly ebbed out as she tried to comprehend what had just happened, Zubat, his anger dissipated, landed gently after a while and fell to sleep, Mudkip's slightly blackened body lay awkwardly, Nincada stayed dreaming pleasant dreams and Shellder remained motionless on the ground, oblivious to all that had happened.

    But Ralts did not sleep that night. She stayed wide awake, standing before the humans' tent like a guardian, watching the dark, clouded sky. She had felt a change come over her mere moments ago, as though a beast had ripped through her heart and taken possession of her body. How was she supposed to stop this?

    Nobody must ever disrespect Nuria ever again, she concluded. I'll have to protect her. Which means I must become stronger.

    She looked around the island, looking at each boulder in turn. Selecting one at random, she mentally gripped it and willed it to rise. The effort was intense and Ralts could feel sweat already dripping down her face, but the burn was invigorating.

    I will become stronger, she vowed, ripping another boulder from the earth. The strain doubled, and the psychic-type gasped in pain, falling onto her hands and knees. Her breathing rapidly became shorter and deeper, the effort ravaging her little body.

    And, at the very peak of physical and mental endurance, her skin started to glow bright white...
    The path Ralts is going down could be a dangerous one...

    This is a great chapter. I love how you do characterization; every single character stands out as an individual and when you bring them together, they have wonderful interaction. I enjoy reading this story just for the characters alone, but the plot is great too, so it's just all around a great read.

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  19. #119
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    Thanks for all the help Butler! I'm well into the next chapter now, so hopefully we'll see the next on here in at least two weeks!
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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  20. #120
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    Here's the next chapter, with many(x10^10) thanks to The Great Butler for the Beta!

    So, without further ado:

    Chapter Sixteen
    Fragility


    “OW!”

    “Eddy! Sorry, but you were waaaay to close.”

    Edward stayed doubled sideways on the tent floor, massaging his throbbing ribs. Did he hear something break?

    “Look, can I help how I move when I'm asleep?”

    “Yeah, but you were literally this close. Imagine what you'd do if you woke up to see a face like a centimetre in front of you!”

    “Well, I wouldn't knee them in the chest, for one thing.”

    “Look, I apologised, all right?”

    Suddenly something collided into Edward's back, jolting him up straight.

    “What happened?!” Mudkip yelled as Edward's hands now slid around to his back to assess the damage. Something definitely didn't feel right.

    “I kneed him in the chest,” Nuria explained calmly. Mudkip's features sharpened as though to growl at Nuria, but, with a hazardous glance to the tent mouth, he turned to Edward.

    “So, umm, are you okay?” Mudkip asked, his voice low.

    “Not really,” Edward grumbled as he struggled to sit up. Just as he was half-way up he felt a sudden jolt, and he collapsed again, biting his lip to stop him from screaming out loud. Even so, a piercing note leapt from his throat. Dear God that hurt, he mentally screamed as his face contorted in agony.

    “Eddy?!” Nuria snapped in concern. “Are you okay?”

    What the hell do you think, witch, I was just kneed in the chest, tackled in the back, as I tried to get up I screamed a bit and right now I'm rolling around in agony. How the bloody hell do you think I am?

    The pain, however, only permitted him a strangled “No.”

    And suddenly something else was in the enclosed space, but Edward thought he must be hallucinating. It resembled a six-year-old girl, with a white tutu and long straight hair. On the other hand, her legs and hair were green, her face was paper-white and she had two red half-disks protruding on the right and left sides of her head.

    “Ralts?” Nuria half-shrieked as the Pokemon advanced onto Edward. Wait, Edward thought in the tiny centre of his mind that wasn't screaming mindless obscenities, that's not Ralts.

    The Pokemon knelt by Edward and put its white, two-fingered hands together, as though in prayer. As brilliant silver dust began to accumulate around the hands, Edward noticed subtle features of the Pokemon: the small, shy way in which it moved, the way it positioned itself right opposite Nuria. Ooooh, he realised all of a sudden, as the creature brought its hands apart, causing silver glitter to fall towards Edward's head, she evolved.

    The powder just touched his face-

    And suddenly he shot upright, his eyes flying open to absorb the interior of the hospital room. It was a wide space: the wall space was dominated by shelves with brightly-coloured hard-back books and various cabinets held strange-looking contraptions, stacks of paper, or more books.

    “Careful,” Nuria said next to him, causing Edward to jump a little. He turned, and saw her sitting curled up in a green arm-chair by his bed, just by his pillow.

    “What-?”

    “No, really, be careful. The doctor said the painkillers might make you feel energised, but you're still hurt. Lie back down.”

    Not bearing to be slow, Edward dropped back into the bed, shaking the frame slightly.

    “Okay then, so what happened? Last thing I remember was all this glitter.”

    “Umm, okay, where to begin?” she asked herself as she balanced her chin on her palm. “Well, Mudkip ran into you, which seemed to have hurt an awful lot, so Ra- I mean Kirlia appeared and used Heal Pulse on you. You fell asleep because apparently Pokemon heal moves are knock out humans, and we took you here.”

    “Where is here exactly, anyway?” Edward asked, looking out of the small window which gave the view of the grey sky. “Petalburg Hospital, right?”

    Nuria opened her mouth to answer, but the words got lost as her eyes narrowed.

    “Ah. Petalburg. That would've made more sense.”

    “Wait, so this isn't Petalburg? Then where am I?”

    Nuria's look of confusion was suddenly replaced by a countenance of proud superiority.

    “Well, let's just say I worked out what the old man said in his note.”

    Edward bit his lower lip. Then it was his turn to narrow his eyes, though this time in suspicion.

    “Wait, so this is Slateport? But how-?”

    “Well, my friend,” she said, crossing her arms whilst keeping the victorious smile on her lips, “it was really quite simple.”

    “But Ralts can't Teleport to places she hasn't been yet, so...”

    “Well, I was thinking about that while I recalled all the Pokemon and hauled you out of the tent. I was thinking that if Kirlia just had to see where we had to go, we could simply fly there.”

    Nuria paused, as though to give Edward time to applaud her brilliance. Instead he looked at her blankly.

    “I don't follow your logic.”

    Nuria smiled deviously and leaned in.

    “Well, I reasoned if she Teleported up and in the direction of Slateport, then, as we fell a bit, Teleport upwards again in the same direction until we got there...”

    “Oooh,” Edward said, a drop of genuine awe in his voice as he imagined Nuria and Kirlia materialising around the cloudy sky whilst lugging around his limp body.

    “Yeah, there was definitely great skill and intelligence on my part,” she said, leaning back with her hands behind her head, grinning proudly.

    “Yeah,” Edward said, grinning slightly himself, “like the skill required to wind someone with their knee at the break of dawn. Or to cross an ocean by Teleport-air flying when you could've got me to a hospital in seconds.”

    “You know, one day you'll look back on this and laugh. Latias and Latios? No problem. Regice? Cool. A thirteen year-old girl and a level sixteen Mudkip? You're hospitalised for two weeks.”

    “Two weeks?!”

    “Ha! See? Funny! No, seriously you've been out for a day, that's all, I swear.”

    Edward took a deep breath, calming the frogs which had just leapt in his stomach.

    “I hate you.”

    “Love you, Eddy.”

    Edward stayed down, craning his neck to look around the room.

    “So,” he said after a brief silence, “Ralts evolved.”

    “You know, one of these days I might even see one of my Pokemon evolve,” she said through clenched teeth, although she didn't look or sound too angry.

    “What level is she?”

    “You know, it's strange. Last time I checked she was around level seventeen, but when I checked this morning she was level twenty-six.”

    Edward whistled.

    “Wow, overpowered much. How exactly...?”

    “Ha, you're just jealous. Well, remember how I gave her the rock to use when she was out so she'd always train?”

    “Um,” he said, thinking back, “yes, I think so.”

    “Well outside the tent there were all these craters littered around. I think she had been lifting boulders in her spare time.”

    Before Edward could comment, the door slid open and the doctor entered, her eyes fixed on the chart before her.

    “Your spine's recovered; it was lucky that Kirlia healed that or you'd be in a wheelchair right about now. It didn't heal the rib though; it wasn't focusing on that. Luckily the water didn't stay in your lungs for too long, or sorting that out would have been tricky. The hospital's Pokemon fixed it up, but with the Pokemon healing you've already had, a full recovery of the rib would've been dangerous. You shouldn't do any strenuous activity for a few weeks, but you'll be fine. Just try not to run too often, stay out of danger, et cetera. I apologise for my hurrying but there have many incidents due to the flash floods. You may leave, and I hope you don't come back.” With that, the nurse just turned and left, the door closing quietly behind her.

    “Well, that was...” Edward murmured.

    “Yeah,” Nuria agreed, before looking up at the clock. “Hey look, it's nearly ten! Shall we leave now?”

    “But,” Edward said, sweeping his arms down his body, “I am hospitalised and all drugged up. And,” he looked under his covers, “I am wearing a hospital gown.”

    Nuria suddenly jumped up.

    “Well, your clothes are in the corner,” she said, pointing over to his nicely folded clothes ear the radiator whilst she headed for the door.

    Hang on...

    “Hey, Nuria,” he called as she got further away, “what was that she said about water?”

    Nuria had reached the door and was now standing on the other side of it, poking her head around the corner.

    “Well, when Kirlia and I were Teleporting around the sky...see, it was pretty hard to hold on, and gravity made us fall the whole time...so, well, by mistake I.....I, umm... dropped you.”

    Edward shot up for the third time in recent days, but before he could even say anything, Nuria had shut the door behind her.

    Dropped me. She... she dropped me. Does she want me dead?

    His eyes skimmed over the room again, passing the clock.

    An entire day of my journey, lost. Because Mudkip was trying to help me.

    The clock ticked past another minute.

    Well, what am I doing wasting more of my time? he suddenly thought, and swivelled his legs around off the bed. With his entire body leaning forward, he felt a strain on his chest – not sharp, but dulled and throbbing. How much are the painkillers suppressing the pain? Or is this as bad as it gets?

    Edward pushed himself up slowly, testing the strength of his upper body. He couldn't help but wince – I can see how this is going slow me down.

    Suddenly a vision popped into his head – him, being pursued by Legendaries, completely incapable of running. Then again, I'd never be able to run from a Legendary anyway, would I? It didn't fully help his already-weakened nerves, but he could at least justify not being an invalid for his mission.

    There was another thing, he realised, which had begun to eat away at him. I am so easy to break. He knew it was childish to think himself invincible and all-powerful, but what Nuria had said earlier had really hit home – he'd been incapacitated by a lowly thirteen year old girl and his own, unevolved starter Pokemon. If it's so easy for them to hospitalise me then-

    Edward tried to kick the thought out of his head, and went on to do what he'd learnt two nights previously – to devote his whole mind to one specific, unrelated task.

    Now standing, he took a few steps – he was surprised to find he couldn't feel as much pain as before. Maybe it's just getting up and down, he thought hopefully. Unless it will feel worse after the painkiller wears off, the cynical part of his mind sneered.

    He was half-way to his drying clothes when he felt something behind him. He didn't know what, but there was definitely something. It was just like with Regice and Latios and Latias; it was as though all the world was concentrating in that particular piece of space behind him.

    By reflex he suddenly turned, and was met by a sharp spike of pain in his ribs. His arm went to his side, covering his chest, but when he looked up the pain was all forgotten.

    Hovering just above his head, two metres above the floor, sat a small, green, elf-like creature, with two short antennae with blue tips. It's wide, attentive eyes seemed to look deep into Edward's very soul, as it seemed not to register the flagrant shock on his face. Edward knew what this creature was straight away. It was one of his favourite Legends he heard as a child.

    Celebi.

    The Legend seemed to have finished appraising him, as it closed its eyes and shook its head, frustration evident in its tired expression.

    Still too early!” a pure, reverberating voice echoed from everywhere.

    And then it was gone.

    Edward stood, transfixed, staring into empty space before him.

    Please tell me that was the painkillers.

    Last edited by Scaldaver; 18th February 2013 at 3:45 PM.
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  21. #121
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    Please tell me it wasn't the painkillers!

    How does celebi fit into this when I thought they were focusing on hoenn legendaries.
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  22. #122
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rotomknight View Post
    How does celebi fit into this when I thought they were focusing on hoenn legendaries.
    Hmm, then I hope Celebi was a nice surprise! I swear I did say previously that it was an all-legendary inclusive story...
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  23. #123
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Here's the next chapter, with many(x10^10) thanks to The Great Butler for the Beta!
    That's a lot of thanks, so you're welcome! XD;

    So, without further ado:

    Chapter Sixteen
    Fragility


    “OW!”

    “Eddy! Sorry, but you were waaaay to close.”

    Edward stayed doubled sideways on the tent floor, massaging his throbbing ribs. Did he hear something break?

    “Look, can I help how I move when I'm asleep?”
    I can't put my finger on what you changed here from the beta copy, but it appears to read more clearly that they are still in the tent.

    “Yeah, but you were literally this close. Imagine what you'd do if you woke up to see a face like a centimetre in front of you!”

    “Well, I wouldn't knee them in the chest, for one thing.”

    “Look, I apologised, all right?”

    Suddenly something collided into Edward's back, jolting him up straight.

    “What happened?!” Mudkip yelled as Edward's hands now slid around to his back to assess the damage. Something definitely didn't feel right.

    “I kneed him in the chest,” Nuria explained calmly. Mudkip's features sharpened as though to growl at Nuria, but, with a hazardous glance to the tent mouth, he turned to Edward.
    I notice Nuria is unusually calm right here. Feels like she's gone through a bit of character growth.

    “So, umm, are you okay?” Mudkip asked, his voice low.

    “Not really,” Edward grumbled as he struggled to sit up. Just as he was half-way up he felt a sudden jolt, and he collapsed again, biting his lip to stop him from screaming out loud. Even so, a piercing note leapt from his throat. Dear God that hurt, he mentally screamed as his face contorted in agony.

    “Eddy?!” Nuria snapped in concern. “Are you okay?”
    Ah, there's the familiar Nuria again.

    What the hell do you think, witch, I was just kneed in the chest, tackled in the back, as I tried to get up I screamed a bit and right now I'm rolling around in agony. How the bloody hell do you think I am?

    The pain, however, only permitted him a strangled “No.”
    The idea of Edward only being able to say much less than he wants to strikes me as creative for some reason. Minor, but creative nevertheless.

    And suddenly something else was in the enclosed space, but Edward thought he must be hallucinating. It resembled a six-year-old girl, with a white tutu and long straight hair. On the other hand, her legs and hair were green, her face was paper-white and she had two red half-disks protruding on the right and left sides of her head.

    “Ralts?” Nuria half-shrieked as the Pokemon advanced onto Edward. Wait, Edward thought in the tiny centre of his mind that wasn't screaming mindless obscenities, that's not Ralts.

    The Pokemon knelt by Edward and put its white, two-fingered hands together, as though in prayer. As brilliant silver dust began to accumulate around the hands, Edward noticed subtle features of the Pokemon: the small, shy way in which it moved, the way it positioned itself right opposite Nuria. Ooooh, he realised all of a sudden, as the creature brought its hands apart, causing silver glitter to fall towards Edward's head, she evolved.
    This is a curious way for them to discover Kirlia's evolution. It's a lot more creative than I was expecting.

    The powder just touched his face-

    And suddenly he shot upright, his eyes flying open to absorb the interior of the hospital room. It was a wide space: the wall space was dominated by shelves with brightly-coloured hard-back books and various cabinets held strange-looking contraptions, stacks of paper, or more books.
    That's a very jarring transition, but given the context, it works.

    “Careful,” Nuria said next to him, causing Edward to jump a little. He turned, and saw her sitting curled up in a green arm-chair by his bed, just by his pillow.

    “What-?”

    “No, really, be careful. The doctor said the painkillers might make you feel energised, but you're still hurt. Lie back down.”

    Not bearing to be slow, Edward dropped back into the bed, shaking the frame slightly.

    “Okay then, so what happened? Last thing I remember was all this glitter.”

    “Umm, okay, where to begin?” she asked herself as she balanced her chin on her palm. “Well, Mudkip ran into you, which seemed to have hurt an awful lot, so Ra- I mean Kirlia appeared and used Heal Pulse on you. You fell asleep because apparently Pokemon heal moves are knock out humans, and we took you here.”
    That makes sense about why Heal Pulse had that effect on him. Also, Edward and Nuria's relationship comes across very well here.

    Nuria's look of confusion was suddenly replaced by a countenance of proud superiority.

    “Well, let's just say I worked out what the old man said in his note.”

    Edward bit his lower lip. Then it was his turn to narrow his eyes, though this time in suspicion.

    “Wait, so this is Slateport? But how-?”

    “Well, my friend,” she said, crossing her arms whilst keeping the victorious smile on her lips, “it was really quite simple.”
    And this is why I love Nuria. She just has so much personality.

    “But Ralts can't Teleport to places she hasn't been yet, so...”

    “Well, I was thinking about that while I recalled all the Pokemon and hauled you out of the tent. I was thinking that if Kirlia just had to see where we had to go, we could simply fly there.”

    Nuria paused, as though to give Edward time to applaud her brilliance. Instead he looked at her blankly.

    “I don't follow your logic.”

    Nuria smiled deviously and leaned in.

    “Well, I reasoned if she Teleported up and in the direction of Slateport, then, as we fell a bit, Teleport upwards again in the same direction until we got there...”

    “Oooh,” Edward said, a drop of genuine awe in his voice as he imagined Nuria and Kirlia materialising around the cloudy sky whilst lugging around his limp body.
    I still find this strategy of hers a little unbelievable, but it does make more sense than it did before now. Nuria is certainly one who would be creative enough to do something like this.

    “Yeah, there was definitely great skill and intelligence on my part,” she said, leaning back with her hands behind her head, grinning proudly.

    “Yeah,” Edward said, grinning slightly himself, “like the skill required to wind someone with their knee at the break of dawn. Or to cross an ocean by Teleport-air flying when you could've got me to a hospital in seconds.”

    “You know, one day you'll look back on this and laugh. Latias and Latios? No problem. Regice? Cool. A thirteen year-old girl and a level sixteen Mudkip? You're hospitalised for two weeks.”

    “Two weeks?!”

    “Ha! See? Funny! No, seriously you've been out for a day, that's all, I swear.”

    Edward took a deep breath, calming the frogs which had just leapt in his stomach.

    “I hate you.”

    “Love you, Eddy.”
    Oh God I love these two so much.

    Edward stayed down, craning his neck to look around the room.

    “So,” he said after a brief silence, “Ralts evolved.”

    “You know, one of these days I might even see one of my Pokemon evolve,” she said through clenched teeth, although she didn't look or sound too angry.
    You know, I hadn't realized that about Nuria's evolutions, but it's right now that I think about it.

    Before Edward could comment, the door slid open and the doctor entered, her eyes fixed on the chart before her.

    “Your spine's recovered; it was lucky that Kirlia healed that or you'd be in a wheelchair right about now. It didn't heal the rib though; it wasn't focusing on that. Luckily the water didn't stay in your lungs for too long, or sorting that out would have been tricky. The hospital's Pokemon fixed it up, but with the Pokemon healing you've already had, a full recovery of the rib would've been dangerous. You shouldn't do any strenuous activity for a few weeks, but you'll be fine. Just try not to run too often, stay out of danger, et cetera. I apologise for my hurrying but there have many incidents due to the flash floods. You may leave, and I hope you don't come back.” With that, the nurse just turned and left, the door closing quietly behind her.
    Talk about bedside manner, huh?

    I like that the weather disasters were actually addressed here in a way. It's not bad, but I do find it a little unusual for there to be such an obviously global-scale disaster going on, but the story's focus is so narrow. I kind of like it as a narrative choice, though, to focus on a small group of people in a much bigger picture.

    “Well, that was...” Edward murmured.

    “Yeah,” Nuria agreed, before looking up at the clock. “Hey look, it's nearly ten! Shall we leave now?”

    “But,” Edward said, sweeping his arms down his body, “I am hospitalised and all drugged up. And,” he looked under his covers, “I am wearing a hospital gown.”
    Edward's speech sounds strangely formal for this scene, I think.

    Nuria suddenly jumped up.

    “Well, your clothes are in the corner,” she said, pointing over to his nicely folded clothes ear the radiator whilst she headed for the door.

    Hang on...

    “Hey, Nuria,” he called as she got further away, “what was that she said about water?”

    Nuria had reached the door and was now standing on the other side of it, poking her head around the corner.

    “Well, when Kirlia and I were Teleporting around the sky...see, it was pretty hard to hold on, and gravity made us fall the whole time...so, well, by mistake I.....I, umm... dropped you.”

    Edward shot up for the third time in recent days, but before he could even say anything, Nuria had shut the door behind her.

    Dropped me. She... she dropped me. Does she want me dead?
    I still find the whole way they traveled to Slateport a little hard to swallow, especially now that we know Nuria dropped him in the ocean. How did she get him out?

    His eyes skimmed over the room again, passing the clock.

    An entire day of my journey, lost. Because Mudkip was trying to help me.

    The clock ticked past another minute.

    Well, what am I doing wasting more of my time? he suddenly thought, and swivelled his legs around off the bed. With his entire body leaning forward, he felt a strain on his chest – not sharp, but dulled and throbbing. How much are the painkillers suppressing the pain? Or is this as bad as it gets?

    Edward pushed himself up slowly, testing the strength of his upper body. He couldn't help but wince – I can see how this is going slow me down.

    Suddenly a vision popped into his head – him, being pursued by Legendaries, completely incapable of running. Then again, I'd never be able to run from a Legendary anyway, would I? It didn't fully help his already-weakened nerves, but he could at least justify not being an invalid for his mission.
    He could always get help from his Pokemon.

    In all seriousness, though, Edward's introspection is nice to see.

    There was another thing, he realised, which had begun to eat away at him. I am so easy to break. He knew it was childish to think himself invincible and all-powerful, but what Nuria had said earlier had really hit home – he'd been incapacitated by a lowly thirteen year old girl and his own, unevolved starter Pokemon. If it's so easy for them to hospitalise me then-

    Edward tried to kick the thought out of his head, and went on to do what he'd learnt two nights previously – to devote his whole mind to one specific, unrelated task.

    Now standing, he took a few steps – he was surprised to find he couldn't feel as much pain as before. Maybe it's just getting up and down, he thought hopefully. Unless it will feel worse after the painkiller wears off, the cynical part of his mind sneered.
    This comment about his realizing his own fragility (nice callback to the chapter title, by the way) is obviously going to be important, if you ask me.

    He was half-way to his drying clothes when he felt something behind him. He didn't know what, but there was definitely something. It was just like with Regice and Latios and Latias; it was as though all the world was concentrating in that particular piece of space behind him.

    By reflex he suddenly turned, and was met by a sharp spike of pain in his ribs. His arm went to his side, covering his chest, but when he looked up the pain was all forgotten.

    Hovering just above his head, two metres above the floor, sat a small, green, elf-like creature, with two short antennae with blue tips. It's wide, attentive eyes seemed to look deep into Edward's very soul, as it seemed not to register the flagrant shock on his face. Edward knew what this creature was straight away. It was one of his favourite Legends he heard as a child.

    Celebi.

    The Legend seemed to have finished appraising him, as it closed its eyes and shook its head, frustration evident in its tired expression.

    Still too early!” a pure, reverberating voice echoed from everywhere.

    And then it was gone.

    Edward stood, transfixed, staring into empty space before him.

    Please tell me that was the painkillers.
    I don't think it was the painkillers, Edward. I think you just had your next Legendary encounter, and something weird is going on.

    Okay, so even though there wasn't much action in this chapter, I think it's a very, very good one. What we got instead of action was character development and interaction, which I loved. Nuria was just great in this chapter, and Edward wasn't so bad either. Two thumbs up.

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  24. #124
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    Here's my review for chapter 16. So sorry it's taken me so long. Been in a little bit of a funk lately, but I should now be back to reviewing regularly

    “Yeah, but you were literally this close. Imagine what you'd do if you woke up to see a face like a centimetre in front of you!”
    I probably would have reacted the same way lol.

    mean Kirlia appeared and used Heal Pulse on you. You fell asleep because apparently Pokemon heal moves are knock out humans, and we took you here.”
    I'd love to see you expand on that more in future chapters. It's always really excited me to see the different way's Pokemon moves and or medicine can be used on humans and what adverse effects may arise. Glad to see you're of the same persuasion

    You're hospitalised for two weeks.”
    She's such a smart alick sometimes. Love it

    Your spine's recovered; it was lucky that Kirlia healed that or you'd be in a wheelchair right about now. It didn't heal the rib though; it wasn't focusing on that. Luckily the water didn't stay in your lungs for too long, or sorting that out would have been tricky. The hospital's Pokemon fixed it up, but with the Pokemon healing you've already had, a full recovery of the rib would've been dangerous. You shouldn't do any strenuous activity for a few weeks, but you'll be fine. Just try not to run too often, stay out of danger, et cetera. I apologise for my hurrying but there have many incidents due to the flash floods. You may leave, and I hope you don't come back.” With that, the nurse just turned and left, the door closing quietly behind her.
    That was actually quite well done. I love when fics delve into medical aspects and the problems and restrictions that go along with them. After what Edward went through, there is obviously going to be ramifications and I'm glad you dont subscribe to the theory I see sometimes on boards where characters suffer injuries with no lasting effects. Nice realistic touch.

    Edward said, sweeping his arms down his body, “I am hospitalised and all drugged up. And,” he looked under his covers, “I am wearing a hospital gown.”
    Is there any particular reason why you're using 'I am' so often instead of 'I'm'? It doesn't bother me too much, but reading it so quickly back to back makes it a tad bit tedious. You dig?

    Please tell me that was the painkillers.
    It's almost as if he wants to wish Celebi away even though it is something he wants. Hell, knowing Edward I feel like he would look for any possible reason to force himself to believe it was real. Interesting.

    All in all, pretty solid chapter. Not too much happened to me, but you showed your original flair with the medical explanation and dabbled in some pretty nice description so I enjoyed myself quite a bit. Once again, sorry it took me so long to get around to this; but I'm glad I did and make sure to let me know when the next one goes up

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  25. #125
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    These pauses are getting longer and more inconsistent, eh? I'll hardly win anything at this rate... no matter! Anywho, here's the new post, and I hope people are still reading this. I'll probably get some done over the summer. Probably.

    Chapter 17
    Battles


    After sluggishly getting dressed and popping to the toilet, Edward slowly descended the marble stairs, gripping the handrail as tightly as possible. Why is everything so damn painful?

    Finally getting to the bottom floor, Edward had to stop for a second to catch his breath. He couldn't breathe as deeply without a sharp jab of pain, so took as small a breaths as his ribs could allow. Taking one last little gulp of air, he looked toward the door; sure enough, Nuria was standing there, both his and her rucksack slung over each of her shoulders.

    “Thought I'd lighten your load,” Nuria said with a smile, holding out five miniaturised Pokeballs and a pink Pokedex. He took and pushed them into his pocket, then raised his eyebrows as Nuria produced a small, clear tube containing many white pills. “Painkillers,” she elaborated, “from the nurse.”

    “Thanks. So,” he said, stepping through as the automatic door opened, “where are we going?”

    He looked around as he got outside. He'd never been to Slateport before, but had it been a sunnier day it would have been easy to imagine this as a popular tourist destination: beyond the light, tiled paths that wound around various market places, a great expanse of golden sand lay undisturbed by the beach.

    But there was also a ghostly quality about the area: the various stalls looked rotting and abandoned, litter lay undisturbed and sopping wet along the pavement, and the golden sand looked depressingly filthy next to the still, grey ocean, there being no sunlight to brighten the place up.

    “Well, unless you want to compete in those ridiculous contests or Battle Tents, we should head towards Mauville – that's where the next gym is.”

    “Yeah, Mauville,” Edward said distractedly, still looking over the depressingly drab landscape. Nuria saw the look in his eyes and looked around as well.

    “You know,” she said softly, “the news said, globally, roughly a million people have died. Through floods and rock slides. That's why we're doing this... to help people.”

    A key word punctured Edward's chest. Millions? Thousands, he could imagine, but... millions. Edward's mind became a kaleidoscope of horrors – families drowning, children, newly orphaned, screaming for their parents whilst mothers and fathers mourned their losses.

    What's wrong with me?

    Edward knew that, merely a few days previous, news like that would have floored him, made him sob for hours on end. But, even though he knew he should, that he wanted to, no tears sprang to his eyes. Am I really that self-centered now? That I only feel sad if something directly affects me or- NO!

    “Nuria!” Edward gasped suddenly, as though all the air had been knocked from his lungs, “my parents, your-”

    “No, no they're fine,” Nuria said quickly, trying to sport a supportive smile. It looked odd on her. “I checked with my Mum about Littleroot – everything's okay, although a bit soggy.'

    Edward tried to calmly breath in, but he couldn't steady his raging pulse. Mum...Dad... He knew it was childish – the apprehension that one's parents were invincible. But suddenly it became apparent to him – if the world died, so would they. After all they did for me...

    He steeled his mind, trying to remember his sanity tactic from before – to distract himself. To leave no room in his head to think about the future. To flit seamlessly between random thoughts, so he wouldn't even remember choosing to forget. But how? The whole city looked dying, and-

    “Wanna know something exciting though?” Nuria asked, almost shattering the negative mood. Instantly Edward latched onto the conversation, trying his best to absorb every syllable. “They say the route to Mauville is clogged with trainers. You know what that means?”

    In spite of himself, Edward found himself smiling ever so slightly. Battles. Actual Trainer battles.. Shocked, Edward realised that he's only had three proper trainer battles: twp against Gym Leaders and one against Nuria. How have I only had three? That had been the reason for him starting his journey, anyway. And hadn't Latias said he should train his Pokemon, to make them a better, more cohesive unit?

    “Yeah,” he said, his smile more pronounced. “By the way, I saw Celebi in my room upstairs.”

    Nuria looked at Edward.

    “Seriously?”

    “Yeah. Did the nurse say anything about hallucinations? Because of the painkillers?”

    “No, nothing like that.” Nuria crossed her arms. “So, what did it say? Or did it just pop in to say hi?”

    “It was strange. It just looked at me and said 'Still too early', then disappeared.”

    Nuria narrowed her eyes in thought.

    “You're oddly calm about this, considering everything.”

    “Yeah. Maybe I'm getting used to it.”

    “So, a time-travelling Legendary looks at you then says 'too early'? You know what that means?.”

    “That I'll meet it one day in the future? My thoughts exactly,” Edward agreed, nodding.

    “But when?” Nuria asked.

    “You know what? With all that's going on... I don't think I feel scared about an encounter with Celebi. It didn't seem scary or angry. A nice change, you know?”

    “But still,” Nuria continued, “it is looking for you in a particular time. Aren't you curious to know when this is going to happen?”

    “Sort of. Maybe the painkillers just null my sense of curiosity or something. I'm more excited, just at the moment, about doing some actual battles. Considering we have two gym badges, we haven't really done that much training.”

    “Yeah,” Nuria said, and, taking his arm, started walking around the Pokemon centre to the path beside it. He was thankful for this; walking still hurt slightly, and with Nuria holding him up slightly he could almost feel nothing. Almost.

    They began walking in silence, looking at the city which, due to the bleak, grey sky, looked dull and dead. Besides a harbour, museum and workshop, Edward spotted the contest hall at the opposite of the city, it's red, ribboned exterior doing little to make the scene any more pleasant.

    Out of the few things he and Nuria had agreed on in their childhood, their views on contests were the same. Stupid. A complete distraction from the badge-quest. They'd both watch contests on the TV, laughing at the ridiculously dressed individuals who pranced around like fairies while pompously groomed Pokemon would jump up and down. They'd turn the sound off and commentate to make each other laugh.

    After a while of walking, Edward found a way of walking which took the pain off his rib – it was awkward, yes, but it helped, and soon he was able to walk without Nuria, and he was even able to take his rucksack back.

    As the forest came into view, Edward thought of something.

    “What else did the news say?” he asked.

    “Actually, quite a lot – some interesting stuff really. First, it's become illegal to use weather-affecting moves like Sunny Day and Rain Dance-”

    “Why?” Edward asked, startled at that news.

    “I'm getting to that! Anyway, they banned those moves because the effect is immense. Literally, a Ninetales somewhere in Orre used Sunny Day, and the intense heat that followed nearly hospitalised an entire city until the effect wore off. Then some bright spark in Kanto got his Milotic to use Rain Dance, and just like that," she clicked her fingers, "Pallet Town is submerged.”

    “Whoa,” was all Edward could say.

    “Whoa indeed,” Nuria nodded, “so now anybody who uses these moves will be arrested for at least a month. People still do it – the idiots who don't read the news or the rebels who think they're cool.”

    “Any reason for this?” Edward asked, still dumbfounded.

    “Some random scientists in Unova think that, without Kyogre or Groudon keeping balance, any weather effect has a comparably larger effect. Well, it's just a theory. The other thing,” she said, picking up the pace – Edward hadn't even noticed them slowing, “is that Terrence Pancel declared that he'd hunt down whatever killed Groudon and Kyogre and kill it.

    “Suppose that's a reasonable threat, considering he's 'The marvelous champion of the Hoenn Region, his bravest feat being the capture of the legendary Moltres',” Edward intoned sarcastically, imitating a news broadcaster. Nuria didn't seem to see the funny side.

    “More like a publicity stunt if you ask me. And a stupid one, considering what we know. The last bit, not really that important, is that they've started to monitor Rayquaza.”

    “Oh. Wait, what?” Edward's senses sharpened as the comment hit him.

    “Yeah. You know how the stories go: that Rayquaza would calm the fight between Groudon and Kyogre?”

    “Sure,” Edward nodded impatiently, hoping she would hurry up. Who in Hoenn hasn't grown up hearing that legend?

    “Well, you know in the picture books it would appear and the sky would clear? Well, grey clouds cover the whole world – except for one moving hole in the sky. Someone enhanced the image and saw the first ever photographic image of Rayquaza. So they're tracking it – making it like a TV show.”

    “That's... that's just weird. They're just... filming it? Like it's a circus act? But it's running – can't people see it doesn't want to be followed?”

    “Since when has anyone cared about stuff like that? According to the news, there has been lots of criticism from the RSPCP to leave it alone, but nobody really cares. They're too excited, I mean, it's a real, living legendary – for most people its a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

    “'For most people',” Edward echoed dryly. Nuria let out a snort, and they continued walking for a while in silence, and in the distance Edward could make out the wide, beaten track saturated with people and Pokemon, the latter jumping around and running at each other. Far-off muffled sounds of battle soon evolved into the shouts of attacks, commands and encouragement.

    Just before entering the entering the route boundary, Nuria stopped and turned to Edward.

    “What do you say, meet back here at the end of the day?”

    “Seriously?” Edward asked, grinning with excitement. “What about Mauville?”

    “Meh – Mauville can wait – we'll stand a better chance again the gym if we train more.”

    “Sure, meet here at five?” Edward asked, already taking a step into the route. Almost as soon as he had crossed the threshold of the route, a red-faced, sweaty young boy bounded over to him.

    “I challenge you to a battle!” he yelled, holding out his Pokeball. Edward smiled at the challenge, reaching into his pocket for a Pokeball. Now this is what it's all about. This is why I wanted to be a trainer.

    Deciding on a Pokeball, he withdrew and threw it high into the air – he was immediately met by a sharp pain in his torso, but he managed not to show it. The sphere burst open at the peak of its arc, and white light burst forth onto the floor, quickly solidifying into a surprised looking Nincada. However, at the sight of all the other trainer, he steeled himself and scratched his dark-brown claws.

    As the Pokeball bounced back into Edward's outstretched hand, Edward's opponent bit his lip in indecision. Then, breaking into a smile, he picked out a Pokeball and threw it forward, a Combusken releasing itself onto the damp, dirt path. It hopped on the spot, its clawed feet scratching at the earth as its long, clawed arms flailed around. Edward's eyes widened. Is everyone's starter evolved but mine?

    Jolting him back to his senses, Edward took out his Pokedex and looked up his party page. He read off their levels – Nincada – 16, Zubat – 13, Mudkip – 16. It should have evolved by now! Edward thought exasperatedly.

    “Ember!” the trainer shouted, and instantly the beak-faced fire-type spat flaming hot pieces of ash at the insect, causing Nincada to shriek and jump back. That looked like it hurt, Edward noted, just before shouting his first command.

    “Stay safe! Use Dig!”

    Nincada, having just been digging on pure rock, dug through the soft earth with no problem, and instantly disappeared through the ground.

    “Focus Energy!” the trainer yelled, the shade of his face getting darker red. Combusken planted its feet flat on the ground and bunched its hands into fists, the claws somehow managing not to pierce its skin. It brought it's arms up, and tensed its entire body, growling as it did.

    “Now!” Edward roared, and immediately the ground below the fire-type collapsed, causing it to squawk, stumble and fall. “Fury Swipes!” Edward called, and Nincada's burst from the ground became a flurry of violent slashes with his front claws, mauling the fowl's legs. Edward noticed how the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery. He also hacked away for much longer than usual – He looks... angry? Edward realised. There was also something different with his eyes – they were narrowed, and his sharp jaws were bared.

    “Double Kick it away!” Edward's enemy shouted hurriedly, and suddenly Nincada was sailing through the air before scraping to a rough stop on the damp earth. Before Edward could utter another command, however, Nincada jumped back up and turned towards the fire-type.

    “Ember!” the trainer shouted, a clear tone of excitement in his voice.

    “Dig,” Edward said in desperation, and Nincada disappeared below ground just before the embers hit.

    Okay, what to do? Edward thought. He quickly looked at the Combusken, knowing there was little time left until its trainer ordered another attack. It looked a lot more attentive than it had at the beginning of the battle – obviously the bug was not as easy to squash as it expected. It was no longer jumping around, but stood guarded, glaring at the floor, one long arm covering a wound on its left leg, only partially hiding the crimson blood against the orange feathers.

    Hmm...

    “Nincada, see that cut on Combusken's leg? Use Dig and aim for that!”

    Nincada little head suddenly popped its little head from the newly-dug hole, nodded in understanding, then disappeared downwards again.

    “Bulk Up!” the other trainer shouted, his grin disappearing slightly. Combusken began flexing its muscles, its eyes and beak closed in concentration.

    Nincada once again broke through the ground beneath the young fowl Pokemon, tackling it in its left leg.

    “Fury Swipes,” Edward called, trying to keep his voice even. This is so cool!

    “Jump away and use Ember!” his opponent shouted before Nincada could leave more than three scratches. His Pokemon crouched to jump, but it was obvious from its scrunched-up face that the exertion took its toll. Even so, the fire-type bounded out of the insect's reach, stumbled slightly, opened its mouth, and red-hot embers began streaking out at Nincada. Nincada screamed and tried to roll out of the way, but all the Combusken had to do was turn its head or take a step forward to continue the fiery onslaught. Nincada simply wasn't fast enough to escape.

    “Dig! Dig!” Edward screamed, but to no avail. Either Nincada couldn't hear him, or he physically couldn't tunnel any further. After a few more seconds of obvious agony, Nincada collapsed, his energy spent.

    Combusken stopped immediately, and began taking long, deep breaths, one arm slung across its chest and the other clutched to its leg. It didn't look too hurt, though, more tired. How many battles has that thing fought today? Edward wondered as he recalled Nincada.

    “Mudkip, go!” Edward shouted, and soon the energetic blue pup burst out of the white plasma, crouching into a concentrated pouncing pose. “Water Gun!”

    Mudkip stood up straight then leaned back, as though summoning his energy for the blast.

    “Double Kick!” the other trainer yelled in desperation, and the Combusken ran forward, wincing every time it landed on its left leg.

    Edward couldn't help but smirk. Does he really think Combusken could attack before Mudkip does?

    If anything, all the Combusken's advance did was hurt the fowl further and bring it closer to Mudkip. Mudkip's Water Gun, far more powerful than anything the mud fish had done previously, knocked the Combusken flying, landing in a crumpled heap. It steadily got up, quaking, but another short burst of water put the fire-type down for good.

    Edward's opponent stomped his feet a few times in frustration and recalled his Pokemon. Then he produced something Edward hadn't expected – an Ultra Ball. Dear God what's in that? Edward thought in both horror and amazement. Surely he hasn't been able to catch anything that powerful this early on?

    The ball opened, and the Pokemon formed. Edward's jaw dropped.

    The beast towered above the little Mudkip. Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair that formed a mane around its face. Its strong forepaws, half furry and half blue and yellow striped, ended with great, clawed paws, like its hind legs. The most terrifying feature, however, was its eyes – yellow pupils and iris with the surrounding red 'whites'.

    How the heck did he manage to catch a Luxray? Edward thought in awe.

    The lion reared itself to full height and bellowed an ear-splitting roar at the comparatively insignificant Mudkip. The mud-fish stood, petrified, for a few seconds, taking in the scene of nightmares, then yelped and ran away to behind Edward's legs were he lay shaking, hiding his eyes with his front paws. Edward noticed many of the other trainers and Pokemon stopping their battles and looking over to the beast.

    “Umm, you win, I give in,” Edward said nervously, eyeing the titan whilst thinking of his water and flying-type Pokemon.

    “Yeah, thought you would,” the other trainer crowed, beaming wildly at all the attention he was receiving. The Luxray growled softly at the sound of its trainer's voice – and not in a kind way. It looked nervously around it, as though ashamed to be there. Still smiling confidently, the trainer withdrew the electric-type and walked over to Edward. “Good battle,” he said, a little too pompously for Edward's taste.

    “Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored.

    “How did you...?” Edward left the question hanging in the air.

    “Luxray? Caught her sleeping on the Route 102.”

    “Sleeping? And it said it didn't mind being caught?” Edward asked, flummoxed. The other trainer winked knowingly at Edward.

    “Well, does it really matter if I didn't educate her on certain trainer rules?” he asked, a hint of mirth in his voice.

    Edward couldn't react for a second. The mere thought of what Bayleef would say – would do silenced him. He knew what the trainer had done was illegal, and shamefully so, but what could he actually say?

    “Yeah,” Edward laughed awkwardly, eyeing the trainer, trying to recall his every feature. He made to leave, but suddenly remembered something. “Umm, so, what did you say your name was again? So I can search for your Pokedex number and ring you and stuff.”

    “Tony Flitch. And you?”

    “Edward. Edward Lance. Well, uh, see you later, Tony Flitch,” he tried to smile naturally but assumed it looked too false, and quickly hurried away, taking little time to recall Mudkip.

    He looked around, skirting around battles trying to find Nuria. Although his movement was severely limited by the pains in his chest, he soon saw her near a copse of trees, training her eyes like an eagle on the surrounding plethora of battlers. When Edward appeared she jumped slightly, as though being shocked from a daze. Without giving her time to speak, Edward quickly muttered what had happened. For a few moment after she stood looking into thin air, her eyes narrowed in anger

    “Should I sick Bayleef on him?” Nuria asked, a hint of hope in her voice.

    “That's what I thought,” Edward chuckled, before returning to a more serious attitude. “Just remember his name in case I forget, all-right? Then we can tell someone at a Pokemon Centre.”

    “Sure, sure,” she said, losing interest and waving him away, “we can do that later. Tonight. Before then, we'll just have fun, okay?”

    Edward bit his lip. Naturally, he felt unsure about leaving this... this criminal free to win battles with a basically stolen Pokemon.

    But the sounds of battling were so inviting. The commands of trainers, the roars of a multitude of Pokemon. Taking in the wonderful sight, he spotted a portable healing machine. His moral dilemma forgotten, Edward quickly walked over to the machine with long strides, winding around the fierce battles raging around him, all the while keeping an eye on potential rivals.

    ***

    Hiding in the inky blackness of shadows behind a rotting tree stump, a small, unnoticed creature trained its eyes on the young boy skirting around the medley of Pokemon and humans.

    “Almost,” it muttered to nobody.

    And then it was gone.


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 2nd March 2013 at 12:02 AM.

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