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Thread: The Legend's End

  1. #126
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    Hey. Nice to see you still at it. Some brief comments on the last couple of chapters; it's late and I don't have the energy right now to do a very thorough or structured review:

    I still like how Edward and Nuria interact, although I kind of cringe when he starts mentally calling her a 'witch' or whatever.

    While having characters be properly hospitalizably injured instead of just chugging on even as they go through things that would kill a normal human being several times over is cool, you kind of went too far in the other direction here. Nuria kneeing him while lying down should probably not break his rib, nor should Mudkip be able to break his spine simply by charging into his back, unless he has severe osteoporosis or something.

    I'm pretty sure hospital painkillers are generally opioids, which are sedatives - Edward should definitely not be energized by them.

    A doctor and a nurse are two different things, so when you describe the woman who comes in to explain Edward's injuries as a doctor and then moments later as a nurse, it doesn't really make sense.

    The paragraph you have on contests in chapter 17 seems really extraneous - you only have Edward notice the Contest Hall in the first place so that he can mentally explain that contests are stupid and then move on to the next thing and never bring it up again. Without knowing what was actually going through your head, I can't help but get the feeling you were just voicing your own opinion on contests there. Either way it doesn't really seem to belong. If Edward and Nuria thinking contests are stupid becomes relevant later, you can bring it up then.

    Edward seems a bit oddly overenthusiastic about battling here, especially what with it managing to seriously distract him from an instance of Pokémon abuse that he clearly finds disturbing. It's not like he hasn't battled for weeks or something (unless you meant to imply a timeskip between chapters 16 and 17), so it shouldn't be quite this important to him, I would think.

    I'm intrigued by how you're actually doing stuff with the Pokémon treatment issue; Bayleef is turning out eerily right about things. Hope this is leading into further tackling of the matter.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

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    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

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  2. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonfree View Post
    Hey. Nice to see you still at it. Some brief comments on the last couple of chapters; it's late and I don't have the energy right now to do a very thorough or structured review:

    I still like how Edward and Nuria interact, although I kind of cringe when he starts mentally calling her a 'witch' or whatever.

    While having characters be properly hospitalizably injured instead of just chugging on even as they go through things that would kill a normal human being several times over is cool, you kind of went too far in the other direction here. Nuria kneeing him while lying down should probably not break his rib, nor should Mudkip be able to break his spine simply by charging into his back, unless he has severe osteoporosis or something.

    I'm pretty sure hospital painkillers are generally opioids, which are sedatives - Edward should definitely not be energized by them.

    A doctor and a nurse are two different things, so when you describe the woman who comes in to explain Edward's injuries as a doctor and then moments later as a nurse, it doesn't really make sense.

    The paragraph you have on contests in chapter 17 seems really extraneous - you only have Edward notice the Contest Hall in the first place so that he can mentally explain that contests are stupid and then move on to the next thing and never bring it up again. Without knowing what was actually going through your head, I can't help but get the feeling you were just voicing your own opinion on contests there. Either way it doesn't really seem to belong. If Edward and Nuria thinking contests are stupid becomes relevant later, you can bring it up then.

    Edward seems a bit oddly overenthusiastic about battling here, especially what with it managing to seriously distract him from an instance of Pokémon abuse that he clearly finds disturbing. It's not like he hasn't battled for weeks or something (unless you meant to imply a timeskip between chapters 16 and 17), so it shouldn't be quite this important to him, I would think.

    I'm intrigued by how you're actually doing stuff with the Pokémon treatment issue; Bayleef is turning out eerily right about things. Hope this is leading into further tackling of the matter.
    Thanks for the quick response, Dragonfree! I would have replied this morning, but stuff dragged on (I did, incidentally, see (and hate) Pokemon heroes for the first time).

    Once again, your refreshing logic has me scurrying back to edit, but for those who have read it, here are some explanations:

    1) The medical and anatomical inconsistencies can't really be explained well by me, so imma say that Nuria just happened to hit Edward just hard enough at the right angle, and Mudkip, raring for attack, had smashed into Edward as he meant to charge a foe, so that could do damage, if not break, a back, in my personal opinion (and if it hit at juuust the right angle....

    It was really wise of you to a)think about the medicine and correlation to effects and b) know exactly what sort of medicine would be used in this situation, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to play the 'different world, different medicine' rule. For all us, the audience, know, the medicine was made from Tropius fruit or Bellosom leaves...

    I'll happily correct the nurse/doctor mistake (better just make her a doctor).

    2) The part about contests.........no comment*shifty eyes*

    3) Darn...I should have made it more obvious that he meant trainer Pokemon battles (after all, he's only taken on Nuria and two gym leaders, incidentally giving Edward a current 66.7% win rate). Anywho, it's nothing a little editing won't solve...

    Overall, thank you for commenting, and thank's especially for all those nominations for my story -I'm really glad people like this.
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 18th February 2013 at 3:42 PM.
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  3. #128
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    Gotta say, Scaldy, this is shaping up to be on par with other epicfics I've read, like The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World. That's one of the best fics I've ever read so that's some pretty high praise from me ;) Also, Scaldaver sounds like a combination of scald (as in burned by boiling hot water) and cadaver (a corpse).     Spoiler:- Idea!:


    Back on topic:

    Millions? Thousands, he could imagine, but... millions. Edward's mind became a kaleidoscope of horrors – families drowning, children, newly orphaned, screaming for their parents whilst mothers and fathers mourned their losses.
    Sh*t got way more real.

    I like the touch of amping up Sunny Day and Rain Dance all the way, so that they're now quite possibly the most powerful moves known to mankind. But shouldn't Rayquaza be able to Air Lock all this? Oh wait, it ran - flew? - away. Damn, there goes my plothole.

    Nitpick:
    [I]After all they did for me...[/]
    You forgot to close the italics tag properly.

    The other thing,” she said, picking up the pace – Edward hadn't even noticed them slowing, “is that Terrence Pancel – you know, Hoenn's champion - declared that he'd hunt down whatever killed Groudon and Kyogre and kill it.
    The bolded bit seems a little info-dumpy. Perhaps you could just have her say that Terrence Pancel said he'd kill the legend-killer, and then Edward would gasp and say, "Hoenn's champion? The one with a big, freakin' Moltres?", or something like that. Also, the sentence is missing a double-quote to end Nuria's lines.

    That aside, I worry for the poor man. Really. Moltres against something that decimated Groudon and Kyogre and scared Rayquaza into hiding? I pity Moltres.

        Spoiler:- Plot:


    Also, I love how Edward is pissed with the public for going, "Ooh, Rayquaza! Never mind that it's actually scared out of its mind, let's track it down and make a documentary!" Rayquaza is already pretty nervy from the killer, so what happens when a bunch of humans with cameras come running after it? I anticipate severe consequences ...

    “Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored.

    “How did you...?” Edward left the question hanging in the air.
    Technically, you don't have to change paragraphs if the same person is speaking, so this bit could all be merged like so:

    “Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored. He began to ask, “How did you...?”, but left the question hanging in the air.
    I liked that you show not all trainers are scrupulous. I read it as a subtle way of pointing out that the way the games show trainers is overly black-and-white (ironically, Black and White are more mature in this respect by making Team Plasma hypocrites), but I assume you were simply trying to show that some people are *ssholes.

    The beast towered above the little Mudkip, it's blue skin almost fully covered with navy hair, forming a mane around its face
    Again, this bit feels a little unwieldy, and the 'it's' should be an 'its'. Try lopping off the bit after 'the little Mudkip' and making that a new sentence: "Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair, that formed a mane around its face." The tense switch midway is also a little disconcerting.

    Aside from those grammar-y nitpicks (I'm a Grammar Nazi, what do you expect?), this was another good chapter. The first part is cleverly disguised exposition, and the battle in the second part was fantastically well-written. Especially the way you made Luxray so menacing, seeing as it's a pretty awesome Pokemon. Plus, Edward is still conflicted inside. We'll see how this gets resolved later on, perhaps?

    And finally, that intriguing little sign-off was possibly one of the most minimalistic cliffhangers I've seen. No build-up at all. Just a forest, a tree stump, and an unknown Pokemon. That single word - "almost" - hits you with so much power. It's like being whacked in the face with a car. I assume that was Celebi?

    Whoever the mystery Pokemon was, this fic continues to reek of intrigue and suspense. The epic-ness is finally beginning to show itself, and now I leave you with a slightly modified quote from God only knows who: Oh, Scaldy, Scaldy, what a tangled web of legends you weave.


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  4. #129
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Gotta say, Scaldy,
    Aaaaaand you're my new best friend

    this is shaping up to be on par with other epicfics I've read, like The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World. That's one of the best fics I've ever read so that's some pretty high praise from me Also, Scaldaver sounds like a combination of scald (as in burned by boiling hot water) and cadaver (a corpse).     Spoiler:- Idea!:
    Hmm, Ihaven't read that fic, but thanks for the praise! Scaldaver was originally the name of the main Protagonist in a story I'd like to write before I realised 'v's were fairly overused and the name sounded too stereotypical (I intened the 'Scal' to both mean 'scale' and 'scald').

    Back on topic:



    I like the touch of amping up Sunny Day and Rain Dance all the way, so that they're now quite possibly the most powerful moves known to mankind. But shouldn't Rayquaza be able to Air Lock all this? Oh wait, it ran - flew? - away. Damn, there goes my plothole.
    Yeah, I always toyed with the idea of these moves actually doing something better than affecting move powers. I always thought 'Shouldn't these moves screw with the ecosystem? What if someone uses Sunny Day in the Arctic, would the world flood?'.
    Nitpick:

    You forgot to close the italics tag properly.
    Corrected.

    The bolded bit seems a little info-dumpy. Perhaps you could just have her say that Terrence Pancel said he'd kill the legend-killer, and then Edward would gasp and say, "Hoenn's champion? The one with a big, freakin' Moltres?", or something like that. Also, the sentence is missing a double-quote to end Nuria's lines.
    Never thought about that before. I'll make suitable changes.

    That aside, I worry for the poor man. Really. Moltres against something that decimated Groudon and Kyogre and scared Rayquaza into hiding? I pity Moltres.
    There's always that little vain guy in power, isn't there?

        Spoiler:- Plot:
    How so?

    Also, I love how Edward is pissed with the public for going, "Ooh, Rayquaza! Never mind that it's actually scared out of its mind, let's track it down and make a documentary!" Rayquaza is already pretty nervy from the killer, so what happens when a bunch of humans with cameras come running after it? I anticipate severe consequences ...
    *Cackles maniacally*


    Technically, you don't have to change paragraphs if the same person is speaking, so this bit could all be merged like so:
    I'll not sure whether or not to take you up on that suggestion. I just wanted to make it seem like a new topic was introduced.... I'll re-read and decide.



    I liked that you show not all trainers are scrupulous. I read it as a subtle way of pointing out that the way the games show trainers is overly black-and-white (ironically, Black and White are more mature in this respect by making Team Plasma hypocrites), but I assume you were simply trying to show that some people are *ssholes.
    Well, one of my main objectives of this fic is to break down stereotypes, and I'm glad it's working for everybody!



    Again, this bit feels a little unwieldy, and the 'it's' should be an 'its'. Try lopping off the bit after 'the little Mudkip' and making that a new sentence: "Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair, that formed a mane around its face." The tense switch midway is also a little disconcerting.
    OOh, sorry, that is rather ugly. I'll change it.

    Aside from those grammar-y nitpicks (I'm a Grammar Nazi, what do you expect?), this was another good chapter. The first part is cleverly disguised exposition, and the battle in the second part was fantastically well-written. Especially the way you made Luxray so menacing, seeing as it's a pretty awesome Pokemon. Plus, Edward is still conflicted inside. We'll see how this gets resolved later on, perhaps?

    And finally, that intriguing little sign-off was possibly one of the most minimalistic cliffhangers I've seen. No build-up at all. Just a forest, a tree stump, and an unknown Pokemon. That single word - "almost" - hits you with so much power. It's like being whacked in the face with a car. I assume that was Celebi?

    Whoever the mystery Pokemon was, this fic continues to reek of intrigue and suspense. The epic-ness is finally beginning to show itself, and now I leave you with a slightly modified quote from God only knows who: Oh, Scaldy, Scaldy, what a tangled web of legends you weave.
    Thanks for all the compliments! The new chapter should be out soon, so I hope you enjoy that too!

    I'd also like to say that, as of this being written, the views are OVER NINETHOUSAAAAAAAAND! *WOOHOO!*
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 20th February 2013 at 11:57 AM.
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  5. #130
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    In my opinion, any fic with a legendary killer is awesome.

    I couldn't find any errors when I read through the chapter. However after a great amount of theorizing and research, I was able to discover the identity of the legendary killer-

        Spoiler:- ???:




    Anyway, could I be added to the PM list?
    Last edited by T-Bolt; 20th February 2013 at 3:14 PM.

  6. #131
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    Chapter 3

    Here for the Review Game again!
    The murderer looked down toward its recently dead quarry. A tear rolled down its cheek.

    “I am so sorry,” it said, nothing other than sincerity in its voice.

    It turned once. And vanished.
    I think it would just have been awesome if you spent more time on this piece of, what I assume to be, cryptic foreshadowing. It was really short and snappy, while it's true I think it's good you didn't add fluff for the sake of length, possibly maybe really get into the details and depth of things with this scenes would have been more enticing for the reader. It would hype up the reader for the future reveal of what this just mean, while I'm somewhat interested I really think you could do more with this scene to peak my interest more than what you did.

    High above, in the open air, the rain began to fall.
    There really is no need for the "the" in "the rain." I personally would just say rain began to fall since it makes the sentence less wordy. Watch out for little moments like that, it makes your description and words flow better.
    He was surprised to see the dark, swirling mass of the rain clouds obscuring the sun.
    More unneeded "the"s.

    The rain began to fall.
    A Pokemon Centre.
    Center*

    “...and after such an eruption both Larvaridge and Fallarbor Town are now encased in lava.
    "Lavaridge."

    An archorman sat at a desk with camera footage of the carnage behind him.
    "Anchorman."

    Bright orange molten rock was streaming down
    Remember to use commas with items in a series, "Bright, orange, molten rock....."

    Bright orange molten rock was streaming down from Mount Chimney, grey and white ash filling the air above as a torrential downpour fell from the swirling clouds above. At the base of the mountain the lava had pooled and filled up most of the valleys around. As the rain lashed the pyroclastic flow it vaporised, rising as steam, creating a fog. In one area the lava was being buffeted by sandstorm as the slow flowing liquid's heat formed glass crystals in the sand dunes. The shot changed to the lava rolling gradually into the water near Fallarbor Town, vaporising the liquid on contact. The shot changed again, to the sight of a hundred far-off flying types soaring into the distance. The reporter raised his voice, knocking Edward out of his stupor.
    Remember, "vaporizing" is how it's suppose to be spelled. Also is there anyway this description can be delivered without it coming off as a block of info-dump? While it's not a huge cause for concern and might not be relevant to your current skill level since this is just Chapter 3 I'm reviewing and you have released a far more immense amounts of chapters, that's just something I wanted to point out.
    Flecked in cooling rock and dripping wet at the same time was a massive creature on its stomach, dinosaur like with blood red plating. Between the chinks formed a black pattern, but lava had flown up so many of the seams that the pattern had become almost indiscernible. Massive jutting spikes shot out from the sides of its neck, lower chest and tail. At the end of the tail, which was stuck in position high above the creature were blood red razors, each sharper than the next. Upon its head were similar red razors, and one of the creature's gargantuan arms with cleaver-like claws hung suspended at its side. The other was submerged in the molten stew, as was its face.
    Same thing here, it just comes off as listing. While there's nothing wrong with listing once in a while in my opinion, intermixing description and detail with general things works better without unengrossing(Not a word :P) the reader from what else you have going on.

    He'd only ever seen pictures, artist's impressions, but somehow he knew this was the real thing. There could be no doubt that this was the ancient Continent Pokemon. Yet it was lunacy, impossible to believe. What sort of creature could have possibly does this?

    Edward looked outside again, in want of any other fitting action. The deluge. Of course. Ancient tales dictated that Groudon had a nemesis. An equal. A titan of the sea, that made the oceans of the world by causing continuous and unending rain that could flood the world. But, the tale dictated, Groudon balanced this by intensifying the sun's rays, causing drought. Together they kept the world's weather in balance.

    And now Groudon was... was... gone....He couldn't bear to think about it.
    I think this would all have a bigger impact and be better if you showed it rather than told. Nothing wrong with telling in drab scenes or scenes that aren't relevant to the story at hand but having some dialogue between Edward and Nuria or reading both of the kids' internal thoughts so we can see them weigh in on Groudon would have been better imo.


    It was a solid set-up chapter, we get to see how Chikorita is connecting with her trainer to an extent at the beginning. I still find it awfully peculiar that Nuria would get a Chikorita in Hoenn of all places. Burch just so happens to have a Chikorita? I really would have liked some justification for just why exactly he would have a Johto-specific starter to give away to a new trainer. It does seem like you just wanted Nuria to have a Chikorita for the sake of having a Chikorita. While there's nothing wrong with a little more detail on that would have been nice, just my two-cents. Ralts, rare in Hoenn? :P Seems weird they would be rare since Ralts hail from Hoenn and I figured they would be a normal Pokemon to see around the area. I guess it makes sense they would be rare in the sense they're a minimal species but not rare in the sense that you would, for-say, find a wild Cyndaquil in Hoenn. Luxio packs in Hoenn? The Shift really does seem to have added some diversity to the area, I still can't believe so many Ralts were killed off by Luxio though.

    We get our first piece of foreshadowing of a capture that will work as a foil to Mudkip's weaknesses. Same thing regarding the two Hoenn Legendaries, I'm still curious what you've got planned for the future and how Nuria and Edward will change as characters(or remain the same) from this point on.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 20th February 2013 at 3:32 PM.

  7. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bolt View Post
    In my opinion, any fic with a legendary killer is awesome.
    Brofist!

    I couldn't find any errors when I read through the chapter. However after a great amount of theorizing and research, I was able to discover the identity of the legendary killer-

    [SPOILER=???] A genetically modified Magikarp! =)
    Damn you *quickly reworks plot* There, that's better...

    Anyway, could I be added to the PM list?
    Sure thing!

    Hey, Doryuzu, thanks for the review! I don't have much time to go through each point fully here, but I'll try to:

    Thanks for pointing out all the typos (although we spell it 'vaporising' here in England) and helpful suggestions on reworking sentences!

    The excessive use of 'the' in the first bit you mentioned is due to me trying to highlight the clouds etc, and I think it works fairly well. You're right in the other cases, though, so I will go back and double check.

    About the info-dumping - that's actually the aim, as lots of information is being piled up due to this being a TV show watched (i.e, cameras change viewpoint alot).

    The Chikorita's appearance is explained in Chapter 1, actually. Why exactly did you only review chapter three? Just curious.

    Anyways, thanks alot for all the help, Doryuzu, and I hope you keep reading!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Chapter 17
    Battles


    After sluggishly getting dressed and popping to the toilet, Edward slowly descended the marble stairs, gripping the handrail as tightly as possible. Why is everything so damn painful?

    Finally getting to the bottom floor, Edward had to stop for a second to catch his breath. He couldn't breathe as deeply without a sharp jab of pain, so took as small a breathes as his ribs could allow. Taking one last little gulp of air, he looked toward the door; sure enough, Nuria was standing there, both his and her rucksack slung over each of her shoulders.
    That should be "breath."

    “Thought I'd lighten your load,” Nuria said with a smile, holding out five miniaturised Pokeballs and a pink Pokedex. He took and pushed them into his pocket, then raised his eyebrows as Nuria produced a small, clear tube containing many white pills. “Painkillers,” she elaborated, “from the nurse.”
    I like that little gesture of kindness Nuria showed Edward just now.

    “Thanks. So,” he said, stepping through as the automatic door opened, “where are we going?”

    He looked around as he got outside. He'd never been to Slateport before, but had it been a sunnier day it would have been easy to imagine this as a popular tourist destination: beyond the light, tiled paths that wound around various market places, a great expanse of golden sand lay undisturbed by the beach.

    But there was also a ghostly quality about the area: the various stalls looked rotting and abandoned, litter lay undisturbed and sopping wet along the pavement, and the golden sand looked depressingly filthy next to the still, grey ocean, there being no sunlight to brighten the place up.
    This is something I think gives this story a unique quality - the setting you're using. It's important to remember the apocalyptic events going on, and that description of Slateport's ghostly qualities captures it perfectly.

    “Well, unless you want to compete in those ridiculous contests or Battle Tents, we should head towards Mauville – that's where the next gym is.”

    “Yeah, Mauville,” Edward said distractedly, still looking over the depressingly drab landscape. Nuria saw the look in his eyes and looked around as well.

    “You know,” she said softly, “the news said, globally, roughly a million people have died. Through floods and rock slides. That's why we're doing this... to help people.”

    A key word punctured Edward's chest. Millions? Thousands, he could imagine, but... millions. Edward's mind became a kaleidoscope of horrors – families drowning, children, newly orphaned, screaming for their parents whilst mothers and fathers mourned their losses.
    That is heavy, and it did hit me with the kind of impact I think you intended, but wouldn't global weather disasters on this scale kill even more than that? Tens of millions, even?

    But maybe we just haven't gone that far yet.

    The emotions here are something I like. Nuria's attempts to comfort Edward and his attempts to cope with the scope of the disasters especially stand out.

    What's wrong with me?

    Edward knew that, merely a few days previous, news like that would have floored him, made him sob for hours on end. But, even though he knew he should, that he wanted to, no tears sprang to his eyes. Am I really that self-centred now? That I only feel sad if something directly affects me or- NO!
    "self-centered," though I think I know why you wrote it the way you did.

    “Nuria!” Edward gasped suddenly, as though all the air had been knocked from his lungs, “my parents, your-”

    “No, no they're fine,” Nuria said quickly, trying to sport a supportive smile. It looked odd on her. “I checked with my Mum about Littleroot – everything's okay, although a bit soggy.'

    Edward tried to calmly breath in, but he couldn't steady his raging pulse. Mum...Dad... He knew it was childish – the apprehension that one's parents were invincible. But suddenly it became apparent to him – if the world died, so would they. After all they did for me...

    He steeled his mind, trying to remember his sanity tactic from before – to distract himself. To leave no room in his head to think about the future. To flit seamlessly between random thoughts, so he wouldn't even remember choosing to forget. But how? The whole city looked dying, and-
    The writing rambles a slight bit here, but that's okay, because Edward's thoughts are clearly not proceeding in an orderly fashion. In that sense, the way you wrote this section helps the reader tune into what's going on.

    “Wanna know something exciting though?” Nuria asked, almost shattering the negative mood. Instantly Edward latched onto the conversation, trying his best to absorb every syllable. “They say the route to Mauville is clogged with trainers. You know what that means?”

    In spite of himself, Edward found himself smiling ever so slightly. Battles. Actual Trainer battles.. Shocked, Edward realised that he's only had three proper trainer battles: twp against Gym Leaders and one against Nuria. How have I only had three? That had been the reason for him starting his journey, anyway. And hadn't Latias said he should train his Pokemon, to make them a better, more cohesive unit?
    Hmm. The tone shift to a more trainer-oriented one feels a little odd. I wonder if you could somehow connect the previous topic with this one a bit more clearly somehow.

    “Yeah,” he said, his smile more pronounced. “By the way, I saw Celebi in my room upstairs.”

    Nuria looked at Edward.

    “Seriously?”

    “Yeah. Did the nurse say anything about hallucinations? Because of the painkillers?”

    “No, nothing like that.” Nuria crossed her arms. “So, what did it say? Or did it just pop in to say hi?”

    “It was strange. It just looked at me and said 'Still too early', then disappeared.”

    Nuria narrowed her eyes in thought.

    “You're oddly calm about this, considering everything.”
    Nuria's reaction is appropriate here, I think, as Edward does seem to be underplaying Celebi quite vastly.

    “Yeah. Maybe I'm getting used to it.”

    “So, a time-travelling Legendary looks at you then says 'too early'? You know what that means?.”

    “That I'll meet it one day in the future? My thoughts exactly,” Edward agreed, nodding.

    “But when?” Nuria asked.

    “You know what? With all that's going on... I don't think I feel scared about an encounter with Celebi. It didn't seem scary or angry. A nice change, you know?”
    Of course, that probably means that Celebi will turn out to be the exact opposite.

    “But still,” Nuria continued, “it is looking for you in a particular time. Aren't you curious to know when this is going to happen?”

    “Sort of. Maybe the painkillers just null my sense of curiosity or something. I'm more excited, just at the moment, about doing some actual battles. Considering we have two gym badges, we haven't really done that much training.”

    “Yeah,” Nuria said, and, taking his arm, started walking around the Pokemon centre to the path beside it. He was thankful for this; walking still hurt slightly, and with Nuria holding him up slightly he could almost feel nothing. Almost.
    I'm kind of glad to get out of that hospital scene, because it was beginning to drag due to Edward underplaying Celebi's importance.

    They walking in silence, looking at the city which, due to the bleak, grey sky, looked dull and dead. Besides a harbour, museum and workshop, Edward spotted the contest hall at the opposite of the city, it's red, ribboned exterior doing little to make the scene any more pleasant.
    "They were walking in silence."

    Out of the few things he and Nuria had agreed with in their childhood, their views on contests were the same. Stupid. A complete distraction from the badge-quest. They'd both watch contests on the TV, laughing at the ridiculously dressed individuals who pranced around like fairies while pompously groomed Pokemon would jump up and down. They'd turn the sound off and commentate to make each other laugh.
    Wouldn't "agreed on" sound better than "agreed with?"

    After a while of walking, Edward found a way of walking which took the pain off his rib – it was awkward, yes, but it helped, and soon he was able to walk without Nuria, and he was even able to take his rucksack back.

    As the forest came into view, Edward thought of something.

    “What else did the news say?” he asked.

    “Actually, quite a lot – some interesting stuff really. First, it's become illegal to use weather-affecting moves like Sunny Day and Rain Dance-”

    “Why?” Edward asked, startled at that news.

    “I'm getting to that! Anyway, they banned those moves because the effect is immense. Literally, a Ninetales somewhere in Orre used Sunny Day, and the intense heat that followed nearly hospitalised an entire city until the effect wore off. Then some bright spark in Kanto got his Milotic to use Rain Dance, and just like that," she clicked her fingers, "Pallet Town is submerged.”
    I love this idea. It's a great way to expand upon the base of the controllers of the weather being gone.

    “Whoa,” was all Edward could say.

    “Whoa indeed,” Nuria nodded, “so now anybody who uses these moves will be arrested for at least a month. People still do it – the idiots who don't read the news or the rebels who think they're cool.”
    That seems a little arbitrary. I'm surprised that what sounds like a newly-enacted emergency measure seems to have a specific punishment in place already.

    “Any reason for this?” Edward asked, still dumbfounded.

    “Some random scientists in Unova think that, without Kyogre or Groudon keeping balance, any weather effect has a comparably larger effect. Well, it's just a theory. The other thing,” she said, picking up the pace – Edward hadn't even noticed them slowing, “is that Terrence Pancel declared that he'd hunt down whatever killed Groudon and Kyogre and kill it.

    “Suppose that's a reasonable threat, considering he's 'The marvelous champion of the Hoenn Region, his bravest feat being the capture of the legendary Moltres',” Edward intoned sarcastically, imitating a news broadcaster. Nuria didn't seem to see the funny side.
    That's a good way to introduce him. I'm sure he'll have a role to play later.

    “More like a publicity stunt if you ask me. And a stupid one, considering what we know. The last bit, not really that important, is that they've started to monitor Rayquaza.”

    “Oh. Wait, what?” Edward's senses sharpened as the comment hit him.

    “Yeah. You know how the stories go: that Rayquaza would calm the fight between Groudon and Kyogre?”

    “Sure,” Edward nodded impatiently, hoping she would hurry up. Who in Hoenn hasn't grown up hearing that legend?

    “Well, you know in the picture books it would appear and the sky would clear? Well, grey clouds cover the whole world – except for one moving hole in the sky. Someone enhanced the image and saw the first ever photographic image of Rayquaza. So they're tracking it – making it like a TV show.”
    First ever photographic image? Is it correct to assume, then, that the events of the games did not happen, meaning none of the player characters ever saw Rayquaza?

    “That's... that's just weird. They're just... filming it? Like it's a circus act? But it's running – can't people see it doesn't want to be followed?”

    “Since when has anyone cared about stuff like that? According to the news, there has been lots of criticism from the RSPCP to leave it alone, but nobody really cares. They're too excited, I mean, it's a real, living legendary – for most people its a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
    Possibly a last-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

    “'For most people',” Edward echoed dryly. Nuria let out a snort, and they continued walking for a while in silence, and in the distance Edward could make out the wide, beaten track saturated with people and Pokemon, the latter jumping around and running at each other. Far-off muffled sounds of battle soon evolved into the shouts of attacks, commands and encouragement.

    Just before entering the entering the route boundary, Nuria stopped and turned to Edward.

    “What do you say, meet back here at the end of the day?”

    “Seriously?” Edward asked, grinning with excitement. “What about Mauville?”

    “Meh – Mauville can wait – we'll stand a better chance again the gym if we train more.”

    “Sure, meet here at five?” Edward asked, already taking a step into the route. Almost as soon as he had crossed the threshold of the route, a red-faced, sweaty young boy bounded over to him.

    “I challenge you to a battle!” he yelled, holding out his Pokeball. Edward smiled at the challenge, reaching into his pocket for a Pokeball. Now this is what it's all about. This is why I wanted to be a trainer.

    Deciding on a Pokeball, he withdrew and threw it high into the air – he was immediately met by a sharp pain in his torso, but he managed not to show it. The sphere burst open at the peak of its arc, and white light burst forth onto the floor, quickly solidifying into a surprised looking Nincada. However, at the sight of all the other trainer, he steeled himself and scratched his dark-brown claws.

    As the Pokeball bounced back into Edward's outstretched hand, Edward's opponent bit his lip in indecision. Then, breaking into a smile, he picked out a Pokeball and threw it forward, a Combusken releasing itself onto the damp, dirt path. It hopped on the spot, its clawed feet scratching at the earth as its long, clawed arms flailed around. Edward's eyes widened. Is everyone's starter evolved but mine?

    Jolting him back to his senses, Edward took out his Pokedex and looked up his party page. He read off their levels – Nincada – 16, Zubat – 13, Mudkip – 16. It should have evolved by now! Edward thought exasperatedly.
    Interesting. I guess that will be followed up on sometime?

    “Ember!” the trainer shouted, and instantly the beak-faced fire-type spat flaming hot pieces of ash at the insect, causing Nincada to shriek and jump back. That looked like it hurt, Edward noted, just before shouting his first command.

    “Stay safe! Use Dig!”

    Nincada, having just been digging on pure rock, dug through the soft earth with no problem, and instantly disappeared through the ground.
    Ooh, I like that bit of consistency regarding what Nincada's been digging through.

    “Focus Energy!” the trainer yelled, the shade of his face getting darker red. Combusken planted its feet flat on the ground and bunched its hands into fists, the claws somehow managing not to pierce its skin. It brought it's arms up, and tensed its entire body, growling as it did.

    “Now!” Edward roared, and immediately the ground below the fire-type collapsed, causing it to squawk, stumble and fall. “Fury Swipes!” Edward called, and Nincada's burst from the ground became a flurry of violent slashes with his front claws, mauling the fowl's legs. Edward noticed how the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery. He also hacked away for much longer than usual – He looks... angry? Edward realised. There was also something different with his eyes – they were narrowed, and his sharp jaws were bared.
    "the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery" is a bit repetitive. You could probably drop the "in savagery" part, making it "the ferocity of each slash grew."

    “Double Kick it away!” Edward's enemy shouted hurriedly, and suddenly Nincada was sailing through the air before scraping to a rough stop on the damp earth. Before Edward could utter another command, however, Nincada jumped back up and turned towards the fire-type.

    “Ember!” the trainer shouted, a clear tone of excitement in his voice.

    “Dig,” Edward said in desperation, and Nincada disappeared below ground just before the embers hit.
    You should probably use a word or term other than "embers" to describe the Ember attack. That's just to make sure everyone knows exactly what it is if they do not know what an ember is already.

    Okay, what to do? Edward thought. He quickly looked at the Combusken, knowing there was little time left until its trainer ordered another attack. It looked a lot more attentive than it had at the beginning of the battle – obviously the bug was not as easy to squash as it expected. It was no longer jumping around, but stood guarded, glaring at the floor, one long arm covering a wound on its left leg, only partially hiding the crimson blood against the orange feathers.

    Hmm...

    “Nincada, see that cut on Combusken's leg? Use Dig and aim for that!”

    Nincada little head suddenly popped its little head from the newly-dug hole, nodded in understanding, then disappeared downwards again.

    “Bulk Up!” the other trainer shouted, his grin disappearing slightly. Combusken began flexing its muscles, its eyes and beak closed in concentration.

    Nincada once again broke through the ground beneath the young fowl Pokemon, tackling it in its left leg.
    I feel like the other trainer should have done something more to protect Combusken from the weak point on its leg, given that Edward gave him a large advance warning about it.

    “Fury Swipes,” Edward called, trying to keep his voice even. This is so cool!

    “Jump away and use Ember!” his opponent shouted before Nincada could leave more than three scratches. His Pokemon crouched to jump, but it was obvious from its scrunched-up face that the exertion took its toll. Even so, the fire-type bounded out of the insect's reach, stumbled slightly, opened its mouth, and red-hot embers streaking out at Nincada. Nincada screamed and tried to roll out of the way, but all the Combusken had to do was turn its head or take a step forward to continue the fiery onslaught. Nincada simply wasn't fast enough to escape.
    I think you are missing a word between "and" and "red-hot."

    “Dig! Dig!” Edward screamed, but to no avail. Either Nincada couldn't hear him, or he physically couldn't tunnel any further. After a few more seconds of obvious agony, Nincada collapsed, his energy spent.

    Combusken stopped immediately, and began taking long, deep breaths, one arm slung across its chest and the other clutched to its leg. It didn't look too hurt, though, more tired. How many battles has that thing fought today? Edward wondered as he recalled Nincada.

    “Mudkip, go!” Edward shouted, and soon the energetic blue pup burst out of the white plasma, crouching into a concentrated pouncing pose. “Water Gun!”

    Mudkip stood up straight then leaned back, as though summoning his energy for the blast.

    “Double Kick!” the other trainer yelled in desperation, and the Combusken ran forward, wincing every time it landed on its left leg.

    Edward couldn't help but smirk. Does he really think Combusken could attack before Mudkip does?

    If anything, all the Combusken's advance did was hurt the fowl further and bring it closer to Mudkip. Mudkip's Water Gun, far more powerful than anything the mud fish had done previously, knocked the Combusken flying, landing in a crumpled heap. It steadily got up, quaking, but another short burst of water put the fire-type down for good.

    Edward's opponent stomped his feet a few times in frustration and recalled his Pokemon. Then he produced something Edward hadn't expected – an Ultra Ball. Dear God what's in that? Edward thought in both horror and amazement. Surely he hasn't been able to catch anything that powerful this early on?

    The ball opened, and the Pokemon formed. Edward's jaw dropped.

    The beast towered above the little Mudkip. Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair that formed a mane around its face. Its strong forepaws, half furry and half blue and yellow striped, ended with great, clawed paws, like its hind legs. The most terrifying feature, however, was its eyes – yellow pupils and iris with the surrounding red 'whites'.

    How the heck did he manage to catch a Luxray? Edward thought in awe.
    Well now, that was quite the surprise. A Luxray in Hoenn, owned by a trainer who for all appearances looked to be fairly new. Great twist.

    The lion reared itself to full height and bellowed an ear-splitting roar at the comparatively insignificant Mudkip. The mud-fish stood, petrified, for a few seconds, taking in the scene of nightmares, then yelped and ran away to behind Edward's legs were he lay shaking, hiding his eyes with his front paws. Edward noticed many of the other trainers and Pokemon stopping their battles and looking over to the beast.

    “Umm, you win, I give in,” Edward said nervously, eyeing the titan whilst thinking of his water and flying-type Pokemon.

    “Yeah, thought you would,” the other trainer crowed, beaming wildly at all the attention he was receiving. The Luxray growled softly at the sound of its trainer's voice – and not in a kind way. It looked nervously around it, as though ashamed to be there. Still smiling confidently, the trainer withdrew the electric-type and walked over to Edward. “Good battle,” he said, a little too pompously for Edward's taste.
    I get the feeling this kid has won a lot of other battles through sheer intimidation with his Luxray like this.

    “Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored.

    “How did you...?” Edward left the question hanging in the air.

    “Luxray? Caught her sleeping on the Route 102.”

    “Sleeping? And it said it didn't mind being caught?” Edward asked, flummoxed. The other trainer winked knowingly at Edward.

    “Well, does it really matter if I didn't educate her on certain trainer rules?” he asked, a hint of mirth in his voice.

    Edward couldn't react for a second. The mere thought of what Bayleef would say – would do silenced him. He knew what the trainer had done was illegal, and shamefully so, but what could he actually say?
    Oh yeah, Bayleef would have a field day with this kid.

    I get the feeling he might be recurring. The setup of what he did with Luxray begs to be followed up on.

    “Yeah,” Edward laughed awkwardly, eyeing the trainer, trying to recall his every feature. He made to leave, but suddenly remembered something. “Umm, so, what did you say your name was again? So I can search for your Pokedex number and ring you and stuff.”

    “Tony Flitch. And you?”

    “Edward. Edward Lance. Well, uh, see you later, Tony Flitch,” he tried to smile naturally but assumed it looked too false, and quickly hurried away, taking little time to recall Mudkip.

    He looked around, skirting around battles trying to find Nuria. Although his movement was severely limited by the pains in his chest, he soon saw her near a copse of trees, training her eyes like an eagle on the surrounding plethora of battlers. When Edward appeared she jumped slightly, as though being shocked from a daze. Without giving her time to speak, Edward quickly muttered what had happened. For a few moment after she stood looking into thin air, her eyes narrowed in anger

    “Should I sick Bayleef on him?” Nuria asked, a hint of hope in her voice.
    Aha, Nuria, you wouldn't mind doing that, would you?

    Hiding in the inky blackness of shadows behind a rotting tree stump, a small, unnoticed creature trained its eyes on the young boy skirting around the medley of Pokemon and humans.

    “Almost,” it muttered to nobody.

    And then it was gone.
    Ooh, neat, a cliffhanger. I wonder if it was Celebi or a different Legendary.

    This chapter was pretty good. It was a noticeable change of pace and mood after the preceding chapters. That's actually something I want to bring up: sometimes it feels like the fact that the world is falling apart is pushed slightly to the background, which is a little unusual given the circumstances. There are times when you do tie it into ordinary happenings, such as the ban on weather-altering moves, but I feel like there's just a little bit of inconsistency regarding it.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 24th February 2013 at 8:45 AM.

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  9. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    That should be "breath."



    I like that little gesture of kindness Nuria showed Edward just now.



    This is something I think gives this story a unique quality - the setting you're using. It's important to remember the apocalyptic events going on, and that description of Slateport's ghostly qualities captures it perfectly.



    That is heavy, and it did hit me with the kind of impact I think you intended, but wouldn't global weather disasters on this scale kill even more than that? Tens of millions, even?

    But maybe we just haven't gone that far yet.

    The emotions here are something I like. Nuria's attempts to comfort Edward and his attempts to cope with the scope of the disasters especially stand out.



    "self-centered," though I think I know why you wrote it the way you did.



    The writing rambles a slight bit here, but that's okay, because Edward's thoughts are clearly not proceeding in an orderly fashion. In that sense, the way you wrote this section helps the reader tune into what's going on.



    Hmm. The tone shift to a more trainer-oriented one feels a little odd. I wonder if you could somehow connect the previous topic with this one a bit more clearly somehow.



    Nuria's reaction is appropriate here, I think, as Edward does seem to be underplaying Celebi quite vastly.



    Of course, that probably means that Celebi will turn out to be the exact opposite.



    I'm kind of glad to get out of that hospital scene, because it was beginning to drag due to Edward underplaying Celebi's importance.



    "They were walking in silence."



    Wouldn't "agreed on" sound better than "agreed with?"



    I love this idea. It's a great way to expand upon the base of the controllers of the weather being gone.



    That seems a little arbitrary. I'm surprised that what sounds like a newly-enacted emergency measure seems to have a specific punishment in place already.



    That's a good way to introduce him. I'm sure he'll have a role to play later.



    First ever photographic image? Is it correct to assume, then, that the events of the games did not happen, meaning none of the player characters ever saw Rayquaza?



    Possibly a last-in-a-lifetime opportunity.



    Interesting. I guess that will be followed up on sometime?



    Ooh, I like that bit of consistency regarding what Nincada's been digging through.



    "the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery" is a bit repetitive. You could probably drop the "in savagery" part, making it "the ferocity of each slash grew."



    You should probably use a word or term other than "embers" to describe the Ember attack. That's just to make sure everyone knows exactly what it is if they do not know what an ember is already.



    I feel like the other trainer should have done something more to protect Combusken from the weak point on its leg, given that Edward gave him a large advance warning about it.



    I think you are missing a word between "and" and "red-hot."



    Well now, that was quite the surprise. A Luxray in Hoenn, owned by a trainer who for all appearances looked to be fairly new. Great twist.



    I get the feeling this kid has won a lot of other battles through sheer intimidation with his Luxray like this.



    Oh yeah, Bayleef would have a field day with this kid.

    I get the feeling he might be recurring. The setup of what he did with Luxray begs to be followed up on.



    Aha, Nuria, you wouldn't mind doing that, would you?



    Ooh, neat, a cliffhanger. I wonder if it was Celebi or a different Legendary.

    This chapter was pretty good. It was a noticeable change of pace and mood after the preceding chapters. That's actually something I want to bring up: sometimes it feels like the fact that the world is falling apart is pushed slightly to the background, which is a little unusual given the circumstances. There are times when you do tie it into ordinary happenings, such as the ban on weather-altering moves, but I feel like there's just a little bit of inconsistency regarding it.
    Thanks for the chapter review -and such a hefty one it was too! Thanks for all the compliments, and I did make those corrections (ahh, TGB, what would I do without you?). I do see a few of your points - some of the logic here may be stretched slightly (like the definite punishment for new law), but I reckon this would be how people would react (and even then I'm not a very good people person, so...)

    The next chapter should be up soon, just after I read through it once or twice more

    By the way, does anyone have a particular opinion on my new sig?
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    Neeeeeew chapter! This'll be the last for a long time, so please enjoy!


    Chapter 18
    The Companion


    “And then,” Nuria snorted in a fit of giggles to a guffawing Edward, “she told her Oddish to do the 'grass thingy'!”

    “Oh god,” Edward gasped through the laughter, wiping a tear away from his eye, “why are people s-so incompetent?”

    “But that's not the best thing,” Nuria declared, holding her hands up. “The best thing is-” she paused, her giggling preventing words from formulating, “the Oddish...the Oddish turned to her and said,” for a while Nuria could sat nothing as she gripped her sides, “'Who are you?'! Turned out she'd...she'd picked up the wrong Pokemon from the Centre!”

    Edward and Nuria erupted in howls of laughter at the amusing story. They were sitting at the rounded, wooden table in their room at the Pokemon Centre, sipping from their cola cans whilst exchanging their battle stories. They both felt light-headed after the day of pure trainer battles, and, even though Edward's ribs were starting to hurt rather painfully, neither of them could stop laughing.

    That is, until a third voice began laughing hysterically with them.

    It took Edward and Nuria a little while to hear the voice through their own giggling, but after a few seconds it was extremely apparent to both of them, and slowly, like a freight train grinding to a halt, they began to calm down, locking eyes in confusion whilst someone carried on laughing in the exact same state of mirth. From the corner of Edward's eye, something was definitely moving.

    Edward noticed Nuria's expression turn to shock as both he and her came to the same conclusion: It's coming from next to us!

    In tiny, infinitesimally small fractions of a circle, the two turned their heads to the source of the noise.

    Celebi, as though finally realising that its companions had ceased laughing with it, started to tone down its chuckling awkwardly, until its face became passive, staring, wide eyed, at the two humans on either sides of it.

    Nothing was said for the longest time. Until:

    “Bonjour,” the Legendary Pokemon said politely, waving at Edward.

    The spell over the two humans broke: almost symmetrically Edward and Nuria pushed away from the table, their chairs tipping making them fall to the floor.

    “Ne vous inquietez pas, c'est moi, Celebi,” Celebi said kindly, smiling whilst sitting and staring unnaturally wide-eyed at the pair.

    Neither of the humans responded.

    The green pixie frowned, then straightened up, smiling again.

    “ˇLo siento! Sé que muchos idiomas y -” Celebi stopped abruptly when it saw the blank expressions on the humans. After knitting its eyes for a few seconds, it spoke again, albeit more timidly.

    “Do you understand me now?”

    “What the hell are you doing here?!” Nuria blurted out, crawling away from the table on her back. Edward didn't know how to react – this was just too big a shock.

    “I'll take that as a yes! I'm really sorry for that – there are just so many human languages I sometimes get a little muddled. Anyways, I have a story to tell. All should be clear after that. Please don't interrupt, because your questions will probably be answered.”

    Edward exchanged a quizzical look with Nuria, both the humans calming slightly. This could have gone a lot worse, I suppose...

    Cautiously, Edward nodded once, as did Nuria. Content, the green pixie began to speak:

    “I suppose you both know the legend in the Sinnoh region regarding the creation of the universe?. Anyway, it is about how a God was hatched from nothing, then created all that there is by delegating the powers of time, space and energy to three powerful deities.”

    Celebi paused, giving Edward time to think. Sure, the story did sound familiar...Perhaps I read it in an old bed-time story?

    But...surely this can't be true... Edward thought, confused as to why Celebi was going over this. How could a Pokemon make a universe. What made it?

    “This story,” Celebi continued, smiling cordially at the pair, “is entirely true.”

    Another pause. Edward's eyes narrowed. Come on, how could that even-

    “I happen to know, because I was there,” Celebi said, looking directly at Edward now. The boy felt goose-bumps prickle on his skin – not only because of the stare, but the realisation that the Legendary, despite its carefree nature, was telling the truth. Before he could say anything, however, Celebi continued.

    “The God realised that these deities, however powerful, would fight a lot, basically, causing His beautiful universe to fragment. So He separated them as far as possible, each given homes in different crevices of time and space.

    “But He knew it was not enough. One of the deities discovered and waged war on another: although He resolved the conflict, He still knew that battle between the three were inevitable. He also knew that, to keep the universe working properly, He would need to rest. He would be unable to protect His creations from themselves.

    “So He took a portion of each of their power, and transferred it into me – a wonderfully spectacular creature with the ability to travel time and space and generate loads of energy. My job was, and still is, fairly easy. In the event of conflict, I am meant to step in to tip the scales in favour of a deity of my choosing to end the battle, thus preserving peace.

    “You both probably still have questions. Please, ask away.”

    Edward looked over at Nuria in disbelief, who too had her eyebrows knitted. Yeah. Right. How could such a small Pokemon be so powerful? Edward couldn't feel the overwhelming pressure he had felt around Latias or Latios, nor did it seem to exert any sheer power like Regice. In fact, Edward reckoned that, if he saw Celebi under different circumstances, he could have found it cute.

    At the same time, he found its kind, lazy speech incompatible with its Legendary status. Overall, Edward felt fairly disorientated.

    “I have a question,” Nuria said determinedly, rising slowly. Celebi's gaze snapped towards her. “I know that story – it was my favourite as a kid. Dialga – that was the time one,” she paused a little, uncertain and gauging Celebi's reaction before continuing, “then Palkia, the space one. But the only other is,” Nuria crumpled her expression as she tried to think, “Giratina – that's it! But Giratina was the ruler of its own little world, not the god of energy or anything.”

    Edward, also rising, looked over proudly at his friend. Who knew Nuria had ever paid attention to a book?

    “And you – all you do is fly around a forest somewhere. How could you be this epic peace-keeper when all you do is...well, I haven't really heard you do anything really.”

    “Forests! Ooh, I love forests,” Celebi squealed in delight. “Is that where I am now? Wait,” Celebi's expression turned thoughtful, “which forest are you talking about?”

    “Umm, Ilex? Yeah, Ilex Forest, I think so,” Nuria said, sharing incredulous looks with Edward. How can this be a Legendary Pokemon?

    “Oh, I haven't lived there for... about nine thousand years! That was, and still is, if you think about it, a really good time. But I preferred Pinwheel Forest about...three million years ago,” she said brightly. Nuria took a bold step forward.

    “You evaded the explanation – about Giratina.”

    Celebi, who began floating over the table, giggled.

    “You've got to remember – these are just legends. 'Giratina', as you call it, controls pure energy. Antimatter is just an aspect of energy – the collision of regular matter and antimatter creates bucket-loads of the stuff. It lives in its own world made from antimatter, to help protect it from the other two deities.”

    Edward rose too, feeling more confidant around the mini-Legendary.

    “Wait, so you can travel time, right? So... do we end up beating this killer?”

    Celebi's expression darkened.

    “Can you imagine, having all this power, the illusion of freedom, just to find a barrier blocking your view? I was given access to all of time and space – except for one, little golden rule. I can't travel to a future I haven't lived yet. Usually, I'm fine with that – I mean, what's more fun than watching the world go by? But then there's this killer... Come to think of it, that might be why I have the rule in the first place. I mean, you can't change the past, and maybe once I see the future, I won't be able to change it.

    “Which actually brings me onto why I'm here...” The little Pokemon tensed excitedly, trying to build suspense. Edward noted that he and Nuria, however, were probably looking very unexcited. “I'm coming with you!”

    Edward wasn't sure he heard properly.

    “You're...c-c-coming...with us?” Edward stuttered. Celebi seemed unfased by the lack of enthusiasm.

    “Of course! You have no idea how boring things have been lately! It's like I've done everything up until this point. You have to be careful travelling time – meeting yourself can cause loooads of complications. Anyway, I'll just be there to watch what happens and... I dunno, help? So, what do you both say?”

    Edward looked at Nuria out of the corner of his eye. Nuria coughed suddenly.

    “Can you give us a minute?” she asked, not quite sounding polite.

    “Sure,” Celebi said, not moving.

    Nuria coughed. Then she boldly waved the Pokemon away. Then, when Celebi still did nothing, Nuria said,

    “Go away.”

    Celebi, still oblivious to Nuria's rudeness, nodded enthusiastically and disappeared. Instantly, the girl wheeled around on Edward.

    “Sooo, what do we do?”

    “Well,” Edward said slowly, considering his response, “it can't be that bad a thing, surely? Yeah, it's a bit forward, but super-powerful Legendary power could come in handy.”

    “But what about the other thing?” Nuria hissed. “Remember what Latias and Latios said? Other Legendaries don't take lightly to other Legendaries in their territory – won't that make them more violent and less reasonable? Also, didn't they say the killer would be able to sense Legendaries, and therefore find any travelling with us? And, the most important bit, what the hell is happening? This is all happening waaay too fast!”

    Before Edward could respond, the softest of voices wafted through the room, as quiet as a summer breeze:

    “I can shield myself from other Ancients.”

    Sighing, Edward turned to the 'empty' half of the room.

    “Okay, come out,” he said dryly.

    Suddenly Celebi appeared.

    “So, Celebi, you can make sure no other Legendaries can see you?” Edward enquired.

    “Of course! I could also come in handy in case any turn violent – I am as far above them as Ancients are above humans.”

    “But still,” Nuria said defiantly, “what would you do? Where would you...be?”

    “I'd just hang around with you the whole time – it's easy to be invisible, as you saw. And I know all the Ancients rather personally: after all, I've had quite a bit of time. I know both where they are and what you should say to them. I can also cook, transport, make clothes, make friends, fly, read minds, defeat threats aaand,” Celebi cocked its head in thought, “I know everything about pretty much everything and everywhere.”

    Once again there was another awkward silence.

    “Sure,” said Nuria weakly.

    Celebi cheered and floated up, punching the sky.

    “This will be so much fun! Think of all the things we'll do! All the people we'll meet!”

    “Yeah,” muttered Nuria, already looking as though she was rethinking her decision.

    “So...” Edward said calmly, trying not to ruin the Legendary's fun, “what are you going to do now?”

    “It is late, isn't it? I can watch you both sleep!” Celebi cried in excitement.

    “No no,” Nuria said hurriedly,” how about you, uh, just leave us until morning. Is that alright?”

    “Sure!” Celebi beamed, then disappeared.

    Nothing was said for a while as the two children wandered aimlessly around their room, getting ready for sleep without discussion.

    This is just too weird, Edward thought. Too wrapped up in their own thoughts to talk, Edward and Nuria got into their own beds, and, slowly, began to drift off to sleep.

    ***

    Edward couldn't remember his dream the next morning. It may have had something to do with waking up to two, large and staring eyes mere centimetres from his face.

    “It's morning!” Celebi crowed happily, pushing some purple fluff towards Edward. “Want any candy floss?”

    After overcoming the mini heart-attack and refuting the sugary treat, Edward, thinking it best that Nuria did not wake in the same way he did, gently woke her up.

    “Please,” Nuria yawned, rubbing her eyes, “tell me that didn't happen yesterday.”

    “Candy floss?” Celebi offered, popping a small chunk into its mouth. “From the Viridian Festival around three hundred and forty seven years ago. It's really nice.”

    Groaning, Nuria sluggishly rose out of bed, collected her clothes, and headed for the bathroom. After the door was locked, Celebi turned to Edward. Edward, who was silently cursing Nuria for leaving him alone with the Legendary, tried to avoid eye contact.

    “Your friend doesn't like me, does she?” Celebi said, sounding fairly depressed. Edward, even though he could hardly believe he was having such a conversation with a Legendary Pokemon... a Legendary Pokemon he only really met last night, felt bad to hear this.

    “No, it's just that Nuria... well, she isn't really a peoples person.”

    From inside the bathroom, Edward heard the shower turning on. Feeling less awkward, Edward turned to look Celebi in the face, and noticed it beginning to smile.

    “No matter. I'm really good at making friends.” The green pixie looked strangely at its candy floss. “Maybe she just doesn't like this in particular...”

    Sensing Celebi was beginning to look disheartened again, Edward tried to smile in comfort.

    “Nah, Nuria prefers Gummy Teddiursas anyway, so-” Edward stopped abruptly when he realised Celebi had disappeared.

    Where's it-

    Nuria screamed, and quick as a flash ran out the bathroom door, barely managing to hurriedly wrap a towel around her sopping frame in time. Edward instantly looked away, listening to his friend's cussing.

    “But Edward said you liked Gummy Teddiursas,” Celebi said brightly, hovering through he bathroom door. Instantly, Edward could feel Nuria's glare on him.

    You told it to do that!?” she screeched, kicking him hard in the leg – even without any shoes on, Nuria still caused Edward to wince.

    “No, I just said you didn't like candy floss and preferred Gummy Teddiursas,” Edward pleaded, looking at the ceiling rather that at his angry, mostly naked companion. “I didn't tell it to go in on you. Promise. Dear lord please believe me.”

    Carefully, Edward lowered his gaze until he could just about make out Nuria's scowling face. He felt sickened at the thought of looking lower. She then looked at the Legendary, who had opened the packet and began to eat a few, gumming its mouth shut.

    “Never do that to me again! Do you understand?” Nuria growled at Celebi. Celebi closed its eyes and bowed its head, looking fairly guilty. Nuria ignored the Pokemon's expression and walked past it, into the bathroom, and slammed and locked the door.

    Edward stood there in silence, not looking at Celebi, just listening to the sound of the shower running. It stopped, then a few minutes later Nuria walked out, her hair wet. Too timid to talk to her, Edward collected his clothes and shuffled into the bathroom: he noticed how wet the floor was.

    Quickly getting undressed, Edward turned on the shower and stepped into the hot spray. How long has it been before I've had one of these? he pondered, recounting the freezing downpours and when he fell into the ocean. He was just applying the shampoo when he noticed the muffled sounds of speech from the other room. Neither sounded angry, so Edward smiled. At least they're getting on better, he thought happily. The voices suddenly stopped talking. Strange...

    “BOO!” Celebi shouted, less than a metre away from him in the shower cubicle. Screaming, Edward fell through the door onto the bathroom floor. Noting the Legendary was still present, Edward's shock turned to embarrassment as he groped around for his towel.

    The little pixie hovered, clutching its sides and kicking its legs in laughter, and Edward could hear the same sort of sound from outside the room. Making sure the towel was securely fastened around him, Edward unlocked then slammed open the door, glaring as angrily as he could at his hysterical friend.

    “Damn you,” he growled, before turning to Celebi. He held on to its arm and, unbeknownst to the laughing Pokemon, Edward guided it out of the room. He then slammed the door, locking it tightly.

    I hate Legendaries, he thought darkly as he dried himself off.

    ***

    Celebi hovered outside the Pokemon Centre window, observing itself and the laughing female. Sighing to itself, frustrated, it turned and once again vanished.

    ***
    ***


    Celebi's Time travel mechanics, by Scaldaver:
    1) Celebi can travel freely to any time period it has existed in. For example, when the universe began (let's call this date 0), then if Celebi just cruised along without time travelling for ten years, it would be the year 10. Now, if Celebi wanted to time travel, it could go to any period 0≤t>10 (t being the time period it goes to). It cannot go to the years 12, 19 or 2013 because it has never existed in that time. Therefore, if this story takes place in the year 2013, Celebi would have had to live for at least two-thousand and thirteen years straight (this is imagining the universe stated at 0AD). So, if Celebi has lived multiples times in the same time zone, it can be assumed that Celebi is older than the actual universe.

    2) When Celebi time-travels, it instantaneously moves to any point in time or space (as long as it has 'lived up to' the time it wants to go). The physical or chemical properties of anything it takes in time do not alter (hence there can be delicious 347 year old candy floss).


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 3rd July 2013 at 6:57 PM.

  11. #136
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    First, on your new sig: just focusing on Groudon doesn't really capture the scope of the plot. I'd add Kyogre's fainted sprite alongside it. You also need the apostrophe in "Legend's." Other than that, it's a great concept.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Neeeeeew chapter! This'll be the last for a long time, so please enjoy!


    Chapter 18
    The Companion


    “And then,” Nuria snorted in a fit of giggles to a guffawing Edward, “she told her Oddish to do the 'grass thingy'!”

    “Oh god,” Edward gasped through the laughter, wiping a tear away from his eye, “why are people s-so incompetent?”

    “But that's not the best thing,” Nuria declared, holding her hands up. “The best thing is-” she paused, her giggling preventing words from formulating, “the Oddish...the Oddish turned to her and said,” for a while Nuria could sat nothing as she gripped her sides, “'Who are you?'! Turned out she'd...she'd picked up the wrong Pokemon from the Centre!”
    This is silly enough to almost work as a conversation between them as they were drinking! I rather like the casual tone.

    The Pokemon Center giving the girl the wrong Pokemon is something that seems a little unbelievable, but in a world where the kind of chaos you've shown is going on, some level of confusion on an administrative level is understandable.

    Edward and Nuria erupted in howls of laughter at the amusing story. They were sitting at the rounded, wooden table in their room at the Pokemon Centre, sipping from their cola cans whilst exchanging their battle stories. They both felt light-headed after the day of pure trainer battles, and, even though Edwards ribs were starting to hurt rather painfully, neither of them could stop laughing.
    "Edward's ribs."

    That is, until a third voice began laughing hysterically with them.

    It took Edward and Nuria a little while to hear the voice through their own giggling, but after a few seconds it was extremely apparent to both of them, and slowly, like a freight train grinding to a halt, they began to calm down, locking eyes in confusion whilst someone carried on laughing in the exact same state of mirth. From the corner of Edward's eye, something was definitely moving.

    Edward noticed Nuria's expression turn to shock as both he and her came to the same conclusion: It's coming from next to us!

    In tiny, infinitesimally small fractions of a circle, the two turned their heads to the source of the noise.
    You could probably do without "infinitesimally small" since you have "tiny" right next to it.

    Celebi, as though finally realising that its companions had ceased laughing with it, started to tone down its chuckling awkwardly, until its face became passive, staring, wide eyed, at the two humans on either sides of it.

    Nothing was said for the longest time. Until:

    “Bonjour,” the Legendary Pokemon said politely, waving at Edward.

    The spell over the two humans broke: almost symmetrically Edward and Nuria pushed away from the table, their chairs tipping making them fall to the floor.

    “Ne vous inquietez pas, c'est moi, Celebi,” Celebi said kindly, smiling whilst sitting and staring unnaturally wide-eyed at the pair.
    Oh God, French-talking Celebi is hilarious. I don't know how you got this idea but it's great.

    Neither of the humans responded.

    The green pixie frowned, then straightened up, smiling again.

    “ˇLo siento! Sé que muchos idiomas y -” Celebi stopped abruptly when it saw the blank expressions on the humans. After knitting its eyes for a few seconds, it spoke again, albeit more timidly.

    “Do you understand me now?”

    “What the hell are you doing here?!” Nuria blurted out, crawling away from the table on her back. Edward didn't know how to react – this was just too big a shock.

    “I'll take that as a yes! I'm really sorry for that – there are just so many human languages I sometimes get a little muddled. Anyways, I have a story to tell. All should be clear after that. Please don't interrupt, because your questions will probably be answered.”
    Clear something up for me please: was Celebi being serious when it was using the other languages, or was it just messing with them? Given Celebi's personality, either option sounds feasible.

    Edward exchanged a quizzical look with Nuria, both the humans calming slightly. This could have gone a lot worse, I suppose...

    Cautiously, Edward nodded once, as did Nuria. Content, the green pixie began to speak:

    “I suppose you both know the legend in the Sinnoh region regarding the creation of the universe?. Anyway, it is about how a God was hatched from nothing, then created all that there is by delegating the powers of time, space and energy to three powerful deities.”

    Celebi paused, giving Edward time to think. Sure, the story did sound familiar...Perhaps I read it in an old bed-time story?

    But...surly this can't be true... Edward thought, confused as to why Celebi was going over this. How could a Pokemon make a universe. What made it?
    "surely" is misspelled as "surly" here. That needs to be fixed.

    Interesting that you're touching on the "chicken or the egg" paradox in regards to Arceus and creation. I wonder if we'll see something to clear that up later?

    “This story,” Celebi continued, smiling cordially at the pair, “is entirely true.”

    Another pause. Edward's eyes narrowed. Come on, how could that even-

    “I happen to know, because I was there,” Celebi said, looking directly at Edward now. The boy felt goose-bumps prickle on his skin – not only because of the stare, but the realisation that the Legendary, despite its carefree nature, was telling the truth. Before he could say anything, however, Celebi continued.
    I don't see much reason for anyone to doubt Celebi's claim, really. Celebi can time travel, so if it wishes to go back to the beginning of the universe, it can easily do so.

    I guess there's the possibility that Celebi is lying and has a sinister ulterior motive, but I'm not seeing that as a big possibility right now.

    “The God realised that these deities, however powerful, would fight a lot, basically, causing His beautiful universe to fragment. So He separated them as far as possible, each given homes in different crevices of time and space.

    “But He knew it was not enough. One of the deities discovered and waged war on another: although He resolved the conflict, He still knew that battle between the three were inevitable. He also knew that, to keep the universe working properly, He would need to rest. He would be unable to protect His creations from themselves.

    “So He took a portion of each of their power, and transferred it into me – a wonderfully spectacular creature with the ability to travel time and space and generate loads of energy. My job was, and still is, fairly easy. In the event of conflict, I am meant to step in to tip the scales in favour of a deity of my choosing to end the battle, thus preserving peace.
    That's an interesting interpretation/expansion of Sinnoh's mythology. It makes good sense, too. I like it.

    “You both probably still have questions. Please, ask away.”

    Edward looked over at Nuria in disbelief, who too had her eyebrows knitted. Yeah. Right. How could such a small Pokemon be so powerful? Edward couldn't feel the overwhelming pressure he had felt around Latias or Latios, nor did it seem to exert any sheer power like Regice. In fact, Edward reckoned that, if he saw Celebi under different circumstances, he could have found it cute.

    At the same time, he found its kind, lazy speech incompatible with its Legendary status. Overall, Edward felt fairly disorientated.

    “I have a question,” Nuria said determinedly, rising slowly. Celebi's gaze snapped towards her. “I know that story – it was my favourite as a kid. Dialga – that was the time one,” she paused a little, uncertain and gauging Celebi's reaction before continuing, “then Palkia, the space one. But the only other is,” Nuria crumpled her expression as she tried to think, “Giratina – that's it! But Giratina was the ruler of its own little world, not the god of energy or anything.”

    Edward, also rising, looked over proudly at his friend. Who knew Nuria had ever paid attention to a book?

    “And you – all you do is fly around a forest somewhere. How could you be this epic peace-keeper when all you do is...well, I haven't really heard you do anything really.”
    Shouldn't she be aware that Celebi can time travel when Celebi just told her about it?

    “Forests! Ooh, I love forests,” Celebi squealed in delight. “Is that where I am now? Wait,” Celebi's expression turned thoughtful, “which forest are you talking about?”

    “Umm, Ilex? Yeah, Ilex Forest, I think so,” Nuria said, sharing incredulous looks with Edward. How can this be a Legendary Pokemon?

    “Oh, I haven't lived there for... about nine thousand years! That was, and still is, if you think about it, a really good time. But I preferred Pinwheel Forest about...three million years ago,” she said brightly. Nuria took a bold step forward.

    “You evaded the explanation – about Giratina.”
    Celebi's distraction was amusing, but I think Nuria might be on to something - it's likely Celebi is, in fact, clever enough to try and dodge questions like that.

    Celebi, who began floating over the table, giggled.

    “You've got to remember – these are just legends. 'Giratina', as you call it, controls pure energy. Antimatter is just an aspect of energy – the collision of regular matter and antimatter creates bucket-loads of the stuff. It lives in its own world made from antimatter, to help protect it from the other two deities.”

    Edward rose too, feeling more confidant around the mini-Legendary.

    “Wait, so you can travel time, right? So... do we end up beating this killer?”
    Again, it seems strange that Celebi informed them of its time travel powers, and Edward clearly registered them in his own mind, but Nuria doesn't seem to know what Celebi's powers are? Or does she just not think much of such powers?

    Edward's question is a good one, I'm glad he thought of it.

    Celebi's expression darkened.

    “Can you imagine, having all this power, the illusion of freedom, just to find a barrier blocking your view? I was given access to all of time and space – except for one, little golden rule. I can't travel to a future I haven't lived yet. Usually, I'm fine with that – I mean, what's more fun than watching the world go by? But then there's this killer... Come to think of it, that might be why I have the rule in the first place. I mean, you can't change the past, and maybe once I see the future, I won't be able to change it.
    Could you explain the mechanics of this rule a bit more? I'm not sure I fully grasp the way Celebi can't travel to the future.

    “Which actually bring me onto why I'm here...” The little Pokemon tensed excitedly, trying to build suspense. Edward noted that he and Nuria, however, were probably looking very unexcited. “I'm coming with you!”
    "brings me." You were missing the 's.'

    I wonder if Celebi is messing with them. This came up so suddenly that it almost seems easy to guess so.

    Edward wasn't sure he heard properly.

    “You're...c-c-coming...with us?” Edward stuttered. Celebi seemed unphased by the lack of enthusiasm.
    "unfazed."

    “Of course! You have no idea how boring things have been lately! It's like I've done everything up until this point. You have to be careful travelling time – meeting yourself can cause loooads of complications. Anyway, I'll just be there to watch what happens and... I dunno, help? So, what do you both say?”

    Edward looked at Nuria out of the corner of his eye. Nuria coughed suddenly.
    You don't have to say "Nuria" twice. Just "she" would do fine for the second time.

    “Can you give us a minute?” she asked, not quite sounding polite.

    “Sure,” Celebi said, not moving.

    Nuria coughed. Then she boldly waved the Pokemon away. Then, when Celebi still did nothing, Nuria said,

    “Go away.”

    Celebi, still oblivious to Nuria's rudeness, nodded enthusiastically and disappeared. Instantly, Nuria wheeled around on Edward.

    “Sooo, what do we do?”

    “Well,” Edward said slowly, considering his response, “it can't be that bad a thing, surly? Yeah, it's a bit forward, but an uber powerful Legendary power could come in handy.”
    Once again, "surely" is misspelled as "surly." Also, using "uber" in dialogue feels a little awkward. Maybe just calling it "really powerful" would be fine. Either way, you don't need to say "Legendary power," just "Legendary."

    “But what about the other thing?” Nuria hissed. “Remember what Latias and Latios said? Other Legendaries don't take lightly to other Legendaries in their territory – won't that make them more violent and less reasonable? Also, didn't they say the killer would be able to sense Legendaries, and therefore find any travelling with us? And, the most important bit, what the hell is happening? This is all happening waaay too fast!”
    I'm glad Nuria brought up this question. It's good to be following up on details that were introduced earlier.

    Speaking of Latias and Latios, it's been a while since we've seen them. I wonder what they're up to.

    Before Edward could respond, the softest of voices wafted through the room, as quiet as a summer breeze:

    “I can shield myself from other Ancients.”

    Sighing, Edward turned to the 'empty' half of the room.

    “Okay, come out,” he said dryly.

    Suddenly Celebi appeared.

    “So, Celebi, you can make sure no other Legendaries can see you?” Edward enquired.

    “Of course! I could also come in handy in case any turn violent – I am as far above them as Ancients are above humans.”
    I get the feeling that once again, Celebi is exaggerating. The line about being far above other Legendaries is a sign of it, I think.

    “But still,” Nuria said defiantly, “what would you do? Where would you...be?”

    “I'd just hang around with you the whole time – it's easy to be invisible, as you saw. And I know all the Ancients rather personally: after all, I've had quite a bit of time. I know both where they are and what you should say to them. I can also cook, transport, make clothes, make friends, fly, read minds, defeat threats aaand,” Celebi cocked its head in thought, “I know everything about pretty much everything and everywhere.”
    Yeah, definitely bluffing. I think this is setting up a plot point for the future.

    Once again there was another awkward silence.

    “Sure,” said Nuria weakly.

    Celebi cheered and floated up, punching the sky.

    “This will be so much fun! Think of all the thing's we'll do! All the people we'll meet!”
    No need for an apostrophe in "things."

    “Yeah,” muttered Nuria, already looking as though she was rethinking her decision.

    “So...” Edward said calmly, trying not to ruin the Legenday's fun, “what are you going to do now?”
    "Legendary's." You were missing the 'r.'

    “It is late, isn't it? I can watch you both sleep!” Celebi cried in excitement.

    “No no,” Nuria said hurriedly,” how about you, uh, just leave us until morning. Is that alright?”

    “Sure!” Celebi beamed, then disappeared.
    Celebi didn't go anywhere, I'm sure of it. That thing is just too hilariously mischievous to pass up a chance like this.

    Edward couldn't remember his dream the next morning. It may have had something to do with waking up to two, large and staring eyes mere centimetres from his face.

    “It's morning!” Celebi crowed happily, pushing some purple fluff towards Edward. “Want any candy floss?”
    I actually smiled pretty hard at that. It just came out of nowhere, yet it's so strangely funny that I couldn't help it.

    After overcoming the mini heart-attack and refuting the sugary treat, Edward, thinking it best that Nuria did not wake in the same way he did, gently woke her up.

    “Please,” Nuria yawned, rubbing her eyes, “tell me that didn't happen yesterday.”

    “Candy floss?” Celebi offered, popping a small chunk into its mouth. “From the Viridian Festival around three hundred and forty seven years ago. It's really nice.”
    I just noticed something. Is Celebi joking again when it says that the candy floss came from three hundred and forty seven years ago? If it isn't joking, then there's some major loose playing with the laws of time travel going on here. I think I need a bit further an elaboration on this.

    Or, crazy theory, but what if Celebi is the killer, putting on this personality as an act, and breaking the laws of time to kill other Legendaries?

    Groaning, Nuria sluggishly rose out of bed, collected her clothes, and headed for the bathroom. After the door was locked, Celebi turned to Edward. Edward, who was silently cursing Nuria for leaving him alone with the Legendary, tried to avoid eye contact.

    “Your friend doesn't like me, does she?” Celebi said, sounding fairly depressed. Edward, even though he could hardly believe he was having such a conversation with a legendary Pokemon... a Legendary Pokemon he only really met last night, felt bad to hear this.
    Try to pick a consistent capitalization scheme for the term "Legendary Pokemon." Are both words capitalized or is just 'Pokemon' capitalized?

    I'm having a hard time buying Celebi's emotion here as sincere. Maybe it is being sincere, but after all that joking and silly behavior, it's hard to tell.

    “No, it's just that Nuria... well, she isn't really a peoples person.”
    Is the expression 'people person' used differently where you're from? I'm not going to call this an error immediately because that could be the case.

    From inside the bathroom, Edward heard the shower turning on. Feeling less awkward, Edward turned to look Celebi in the face, and noticed it beginning to smile.

    “No matter. I'm really good at making friends.” The green pixie looked strangely at its candy floss. “Maybe she just doesn't like this in particular...”

    Sensing Celebi was beginning to look disheartened again, Edward tried to smile in comfort.

    “Nah, Nuria prefers Gummy Teddiursas anyway, so-” Edward stopped abruptly when he realised Celebi had disappeared.

    Where's it-

    Nuria screamed, and quick as a flash ran out the bathroom door, barely managing to hurriedly wrap a towel around her sopping frame in time. Edward instantly looked away, listening to his friend's cussing.

    “But Edward said you liked Gummy Teddiursas,” Celebi said brightly, hovering through he bathroom door. Instantly, Edward could feel Nuria's glare on him.
    That was amazing. Even after having read this scene once already when I beta-ed it, I still laughed at it again. Some silliness is good to have in a serious story.

    You told it to do that!?” she screeched, kicking him hard in the leg – even without any shoes on, Nuria still caused Edward to wince.

    “No, I just said you didn't like candy floss and preferred Gummy Teddiursas,” Edward pleaded, looking at the ceiling rather that at his angry, mostly naked companion. “I didn't tell it to go in on you. Promise. Dear lord please believe me.”
    I can just imagine what Nuria would do to him if she didn't believe him. And that's what makes me love their interactions so much.

    Carefully, Edward lowered his gaze until he could just about make out Nuria's scowling face. He felt sickened at the thought of looking lower. She then looked at the Legendary, who had opened the packet and began to eat a few, gumming its mouth shut.

    “Never do that to me again! Do you understand?” Nuria growled at Celebi. Celebi closed its eyes and bowed its head, looking fairly guilty. Nuria ignored the Pokemon's expression and walked past it, into the bathroom, and slammed and locked the door.

    Edward stood there is silence, not looking at Celebi, just listening to the sound of the shower running. It stopped, then a few minutes later Nuria walked out, her hair wet. Too timid to talk to her, Edward collected his clothes and shuffled into the bathroom: he noticed how wet the floor was.
    "Edward stood there in silence."

    Quickly getting undressed, Edward turned on the shower and stepped into the hot spray. How long has it been before I've had one of these? he pondered, recounting the freezing downpours and when he fell into the ocean. He was just applying the shampoo when he noticed the muffled sounds of speech from the other room. Neither sounded angry, so Edward smiled. At least they're getting on better, he thought happily. The voices suddenly stopped talking. Strange...

    “BOO!” Celebi shouted, less than a metre away from him in the shower cubicle. Screaming, Edward fell through the door onto the bathroom floor. Noting the Legendary was still present, Edward's shock turned to embarrassment as he groped around for his towel.

    The little pixie hovered, clutching its sides and kicking its legs in laughter, and Edward could hear the same sort of sound from outside the room. Making sure the towel was securely fastened around him, Edward unlocked then slammed open the door, glaring as angrily as he could at his hysterical friend.
    I just knew Nuria told Celebi to do it back to him. These two just have such a great dynamic together, it's almost unbelievable.

    “Damn you,” he growled, before turning to Celebi. He held on to its arm and, unbeknownst to the laughing Pokemon, Edward guided it out of the room. He then slammed the door, locking it tightly.

    I hate Legendaries, he thought darkly as he dried himself off.

    ***

    Celebi hovered outside the Pokemon Centre window, observing itself and the laughing female. Sighing to itself, frustrated, it turned and once again vanished.
    Whoa, what's with this twist ending? Was it actually Celebi all along? Like, was it a Celebi from the past or an impostor in there? You've got me asking questions, so that's a sign of a good twist ending.

    This was a good chapter overall, I'd say. Celebi was definitely the standout character with its ridiculous behavior that seems to have something deeper going on, but Edward and Nuria really had a great presence too. I want to say that this chapter is an example of how a chapter with few real events happening can still be great just on the strengths of its characters.

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  12. #137
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    Hi. I read fourteen chapters and liked it a lot. I nominated you for a couple of awards. May I be on the PM list?

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    Yes! Made it to the top!! Anyways, I've just read this Fan Fiction and it is AWESOME!! I like Edward, he's a fragile, young man that wants to be normal. Until one day, The Killer appeared. I don't seemed to like Nuria, she seemed to be a jerk. Not gonna lie. I like her Kirlia though! I also liked Edward's Nincada, I wonder what Edward will react to see Nincada evolved into Ninjask and Shedinja. I bet he'll be so confused about the Shedinja and would be like 'Wha-?!?!'

    So anyways, When I first read about Nuria's Bayleaf(Or should I say Chikorita) I first thought she's similar to N. Except more meaner and Angrier. She is also similar to Banette. It is said that Banette was once a doll until its owner threw it away. Kinda like The trainer who gave Chikorita back to Prof. Elm. Though Bayleaf seemed to be more worse than Banette in my opinion.

    I really like this fic! Keep up the good work!!!

    So Dormant signing off..


    One Author, One Creator and Two boys. Set in Johto. Where everything is not what it seems. For they must flee from the group called the Grammar Police. And saved the World from an unknown threat.

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    So Bad It's Good and, So Bad It's Good 2: War of the Turkey

    Oneshot(s)! It's-IT'S. It's.....Something. Caution: May shatter your sanity. Read, if you dare.....

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  14. #139
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    Thank you for all your wonderful comments!,
    TGB, Thanks for all those corrections (I swore 'unfazed' was an Americanism at the time...), and thanks to your questions there's now a pretty-dandy guide to Celebi's mechanics at the end of the chapter, if you're interested.

    The Pokemon Center giving the girl the wrong Pokemon is something that seems a little unbelievable, but in a world where the kind of chaos you've shown is going on, some level of confusion on an administrative level is understandable.
    I knew whilst writing it that it was a bit loose, but I really couldn't come up with that an imaginative story at the time.

    You could probably do without "infinitesimally small" since you have "tiny" right next to it.
    I know its slight overkill, but I really like the imagery 'infinitesimally small' gives.

    Oh God, French-talking Celebi is hilarious. I don't know how you got this idea but it's great.
    Clear something up for me please: was Celebi being serious when it was using the other languages, or was it just messing with them? Given Celebi's personality, either option sounds feasible.
    Thanks for the compliment! I'll let people come up with their own opinions for the second bit though.

    Interesting that you're touching on the "chicken or the egg" paradox in regards to Arceus and creation. I wonder if we'll see something to clear that up later?
    Hmm, depends how many religions I'm willing to insult at the time. Probably none, so unless I can think up another way, this won't really be addressed. For the time being.

    Edward's question is a good one, I'm glad he thought of it.
    When I originally wrote that, I thought 'Is this making Edward sound like a cheat?', until I remembered that, as the world hung in the balance, it was a legit question.

    That was amazing. Even after having read this scene once already when I beta-ed it, I still laughed at it again. Some silliness is good to have in a serious story.
    I just knew Nuria told Celebi to do it back to him. These two just have such a great dynamic together, it's almost unbelievable.
    Thanks for saying they're so good. I worry sometimes that I get too wrapped up in plot expansion (I understand it has gone WAY to quickly) and forget about believable characters, so thanks.

    Whoa, what's with this twist ending? Was it actually Celebi all along? Like, was it a Celebi from the past or an impostor in there? You've got me asking questions, so that's a sign of a good twist ending.
    DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

    This was a good chapter overall, I'd say. Celebi was definitely the standout character with its ridiculous behavior that seems to have something deeper going on, but Edward and Nuria really had a great presence too. I want to say that this chapter is an example of how a chapter with few real events happening can still be great just on the strengths of its characters.
    Thanks alot for that, I do worry sometimes I rush this a tad as I have such little time to write.

    Hi. I read fourteen chapters and liked it a lot. I nominated you for a couple of awards. May I be on the PM list?
    Hey there too! Thanks alot, and of course you can be on the PM list!

    So anyways, When I first read about Nuria's Bayleaf(Or should I say Chikorita) I first thought she's similar to N. Except more meaner and Angrier. She is also similar to Banette. It is said that Banette was once a doll until its owner threw it away. Kinda like The trainer who gave Chikorita back to Prof. Elm. Though Bayleaf seemed to be more worse than Banette in my opinion.
    You just blew my mind. Thanks for all the support!

    It may be a while until the next chapter, guys - my actual Tests are up after these holidays, so revising and testing are gonna be what its all about. Thanks for all your support, and TTFN!
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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  15. #140
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    After countless hours of revision and tests, I think I've invested my free time intelligently and decided to post another chapter. There will be more soon - especially after my DofE camping trip!
    Read, review and, above all, enjoy!

    Chapter 19
    Research


    Jack liked prowling through the library book shelves. It made him feel like a Mightyena on the hunt, peeking through a foliage of books, his feet padding gently on what he imagined was a carpet of moss and grass.

    On all fours he crept along, feeling comforted by his proximity to the shelves and floor in the semi-abandoned library. He knew nobody could see him, purely because he was alone in this particular row. He knew his Mum was somewhere near the door on the other side of the room, probably in deep conversation, but he'd saw some other kids a bit older than him during his initial run through the place. He could just about hear them and, grinning in excitement, he began to crawl towards the source of low murmurs.

    Occasionally rising to two legs, the boy slunk from one row of books to another before spotting the children – although he could see they were really more like teenagers – sitting at a table in a central location of the large library. The boy shuddered happily; he felt so secret, so skilful having crept up on these people unawares. With only half the side of his face poking around the edge of the shelf, he decided, like any good-natured six-year-old, to spy on them.

    There were three of them: a boy whose face was hidden, immersed in a leather-bound book; beside him, a bored-looking girl reading a book off the table whilst balancing her head on her hand and tapping her fingers absent mindedly, and one other person next to her, staring right at Jack.

    The boy instantly snapped back behind the shelf, a cold bolt of shock quickly running through him. Recovering after a few seconds he looked around again, only to see the teen still looking at him.

    Jack couldn't tell if it were a boy or a girl – its features seemed to blend from one gender to the other whilst looking completely normal. Very normal. Jack wondered if he would even have noted the person if it weren't for those scary, wide eyes that seemed to look right through him. Or that demonic, over-large grin plastered on its face.

    Jack didn't feel like a brave Mightyena any more. The person was scaring him. With just one look back, he ran through the room, book dashing past him until he was burying himself in his Mum's thigh.

    “What's the matter, honey?” she cooed as she lifted him up from under his outstretched arms. Jack just pushed his face into her shoulder, certain that the person would still be looking at him. He heard his Mum apologise to the librarian before walking out the room and setting off down the stairs, all the while trying to get a peep out of her son.

    Back at the chair, the 'person' looked longingly after the child.

    “What a cute kid,” Celebi sighed.

    “Shh,” was all Edward replied as he eagerly flipped the page.

    “Oh, shh yourself. When can we go?” Nuria moaned.

    “Look,” Edward said with an ounce of frustration, pushing his book in front of her, “how about you look through the list and see who it could be?”

    Sighing, Nuria aligned the book and began to read.

    “Ho-oh. Apparently brought other Legendaries back to life. Probably not the killer. Mew. Apparently created all life. Probably not the killer. Mewtwo and Genesect. Apparently made in labs years ago. Probably aren't the killers.

    “Come on, stop with the sarcasm. Instead of who it isn't, who could it be?”

    “Well,” Nuria said complacently, flicking to a page with a dark, malevolent illustration of a shadow with nightmarish eyes, “Darkrai looks iffy as hell to me.”

    “We're not going to label someone as a mass murderer because they look 'iffy'.”

    “Then why are we going to?” she said pointedly, snapping the book shut. She underlined the book title with her finger: “'Pokemon Myths and Legends'. Myths. Legends. Who knows how much of this is right or not? Speaking of which,” she flicked through it quickly, “look – 'Celebi, commonly referred to as 'The Voice of Ilex Forest', is rumoured to live in and protect this ancient-' - see? So we know most of this is a load of Ponyta poop.”

    “I liked Ilex,” Celebi said in wonder looking around the room with fascination.

    “Speaking of which,” Nuria said, turning to Celebi, “can you drop the human thing. You're freaking me out and I swear you just scarred a little kid for life.”

    Celebi pouted.

    “But it's so fun being hidden so well. Nobody would suspect a human!”

    “But,” she said, passing the book back to an eager Edward, “nobody in a thousand miles would think you're really human.”

    The librarian popped her head around a corner and hushed her at the same time as Edward did. She gave up and, out of complete boredom, lay her head on the table and covered herself with her hands.

    Edward flipped through the book for the umpteenth time. Moltres? In a Pokeball. And it didn't seem right that any of the other birds would be crazily evil. What about the dogs? No, that doesn't seem right either, Edward thought, one of a trio being different doesn't fit. Regigigas? No, that built the continents or something.

    “Thoughts, Celebi?” Edward asked, frustrated.

    “I fancy more candy floss,” it intoned, causing Nuria to knead her own head.

    “No, about who the killer might be.”

    “Oh. No clue. I've lived too long to remember such fine details about my past.”

    “Like a whole bloody planet being annihilated?” Nuria seethed.

    “Stuff like that happens all the time,” Celebi shrugged. “Worlds live, worlds die. But that candy floss...”

    “I'd kill you if you weren't so immortal. And stop looking at me like that!”

    “But you said you didn't like me being invisible.”

    “But what I meant was-”

    “Look,” Edward cut over, “how about you just tell us which Legends you think might be evil or not then we can leave.”

    Celebi's human face strained in concentration.

    “Well... Mewtwo always seemed... brisk when I invited it out...”

    “But Mew itself must have been a barrel of laughs,” Nuria commented sarcastically.

    “Yes, actually – we once went to this fairground in the year-”

    Nuria jumped up suddenly.

    “Eddy. We're leaving. I can't take this whiny god while feeling trapped in such a stupidly boring area.”

    “Libraries aren't-” Edward started.

    “Leaving.” Nuria pulled Edward up firmly. “Now.”

    Sighing, Edward carefully collected up the book and his bag and headed over to the book take-out. After scanning the book and using his Pokedex to verify his identity, he received the receipt – the name of the book followed by 'Must return within 30 days'. Edward couldn't help but chuckle slightly. The world on the brink of apocalypse, and they still want their books back.

    Edward shuffled hurriedly after Nuria and slowly followed behind her downstairs – Damn these ribs impose a dumb speed limit, he thought bitterly. He didn't bother looking back on Celebi; he knew it would pop up sooner or later.

    “Last time I ever let you drag me in a library,” Nuria muttered.

    They got to the ground floor: here the stacks and shelves shared space with the odd glass case exhibiting some oceanic wonder: although he wanted to stay and fawn over the remnants of the library's museum days, he sense Nuria might stab him with a book if he tried.

    Soon they were out: the gloomy sky like a placard to the pair, as if shouting 'Get a move on'. Subconsciously taking the message in, they quickened their pace, turning right around the library and back towards the northward route.

    It took a few awkward seconds for someone to break the silence.

    “So,” Nuria said, “you got a plan for the electric gym?”

    “It'll probably be a breeze if Mudkip evolves by then,” Edward replied, manoeuvring gently to get his Pokedex whilst inflicting minimal damage on his chest. After getting to the correct section, he enlarged the Mudkip diagram.

    “This says he should have evolved by now,” Edward voiced frustratedly.

    “Just give it a few levels,” Nuria encouraged. “You're lucky to have Nincada as it is: if neither evolve then you'll have at least one ground-type. I, on the other hand, am stuck with a water, grass and psychic type.” She looked over at Edward for a second. “The Gym Leader has a Magneton, right?”

    “Magnezone,” Edward corrected whilst scrolling through his other Pokemon.

    “Darn,” she cursed, sinking into her own thoughts.

    “You shouldn't worry either: Kirlia seems over-powered enough for anything.”

    Nuria chuckled.

    “I suppose. Speaking of Kirlia, guess what level she is?”

    “Thirty.”

    “Close: Twenty-nine. Soon” she gloated, “I shall have a fabulous Gardevoir.”

    “Whatever,” Edward said as he put his Pokedex away. “And how are the rest doing?”

    “Both at sixteen.”

    “I'd cough 'favouritism' at you, but I don't think my ribs could take it,” Edward commented sarcastically as they approached the route.

    “Hey, training Shellder, like, ten levels in one day isn't that bad, is it? He's getting along fairly well – barely scratched by any physical attack.”

    “And Bayleef? Didn't that evolve at sixteen?” Edward thought for a second. “Hang on, when was the last time you actually used Bayleef?”

    “Shall we go through the trees?” Nuria asked, completely ignoring Edward's question. They had just reached the threshold of the route, complete with the plethora of battling trainers. “You know, to avoid unwanted battles?”

    “Sure,” Edward said off-handedly.

    They took a sharp left and found a shaded opening in the trees far from the battling trainers – with any hope, Edward thought, they wouldn't be seen at all. However...

    “How about you send out Kirlia?” Edward asked as the approached the trees. Edward realised that, whilst containing an easily-walkable track, the dense trees prevented much light getting in.

    “Is poor Eddy afwaid of the dark?” Nuria taunted happily, though releasing Kirlia regardless.

    “Shut-up,” was all Edward could offer in terms of a come-back. Nuria chuckled and followed Kirlia into the forest.

    After perhaps half a minute of getting attuned to the light levels, Edward found there was enough room to walk beside Kirlia and Nuria.

    “So how are your Pokemon doing?” Nuria asked as he walked up next to her.

    “Mudkip and Nincada at eighteen and Zubat at fifteen. A little more... even than your spread.”

    “Why don't you send out Nincada?” Nuria offered. Edward began to comply, but with slight hesitance. Did she sound excited?

    “Why Nincada?” Edward asked as he took out his Pokeball from his pocket.

    “I like Nincada. Is that such a bad thing?” Nuria asked,sounding slightly offended.

    “No, no,” Edward said, holding his Pokeball out and tossing it gently. Before the ball rebounded to his hand, Nincada had formed, looking up at the three. Edward quickly looked over at Nuria; she seemed a little confused.

    “Would you like to walk with us?” Edward asked awkwardly. Nincada nod was as awkward as Edward's question; obviously he was surprised to be invited just to 'walk'.

    The now-foursome continued onwards, the group naturally splitting into Kirlia and Nincada at the front and Nuria and Edward trailing a bit behind. Nuria's pace slowed – obviously she expected Edward to do the same.

    “That was weird,” she muttered under her breath so only Edward could hear.

    “What? That you like Nincada?”

    “Yeah... Not that there's anything I don't like about it, but...”

    Nuria left the sentence hanging, focussing on the ground as she walked. Unable to find anything to say, Edward looked ahead to Kirlia and Nincada, wondering what must be going through their heads.

    ***

    Nincada felt strange crawling beside the elegant psychic-type. Last time they had met, after all, they were about the same in terms of power and she seemed so shy. She seemed more bold now, and it was blatant who was the stronger one here; power almost radiated out of her.

    “How are you?” Kirlia asked courteously. Nincada stiffened slightly. There it was again.

    “Good,” he replied. They carried on walking for a while.

    “How is training?” she asked just as kindly.

    “Good,” he replied. He could feel the atmosphere tense.

    “Are you okay?” Kirlia asked, genuine concern in her voice. “You're not talking very much.”

    Nincada looked away awkwardly.

    “My brethren do not act in such ways...” Nincada muttered. Kirlia looked down sympathetically. Seconds passed as she thought.

    “How are things with Edward?”

    Nincada felt taken aback by the question. He'd never really thought about it before.

    “Good,” he said, unsure.

    “Care to elaborate?” Kirlia asked cheerily.

    “What do you mean? We train, yes, and I get stronger. That is good, no?”

    “But I mean, how do you get along? What does he say to you?”

    Nincada thought for several moments.

    “Fury Swipes, Dig, Harden-”

    “No, no,” Kirlia interjected politely, “I mean, when you're not battling?”

    “We... we don't.”

    “Okay,” Kirlia responded, smiling happily. “So... do you still have that present?”

    Nincada felt the well of affection build up in him for the second time.

    “Yes, it lies beneath my back wing. I like present very much. Thank you.”

    Kirlia, being attuned to the insect's feelings, joined him in the surge of joy.

    “I like you,” Kirlia said happily. Nincada tilted its head.

    “Why? I have done nothing to make you like me. I did not think anyone liked me.”

    Kirlia briefly thought of the childish, yet loveable, overzealous Mudkip, the uptight, solemn Zubat and...That ***** of a Bayleef.

    “Because you're a nice person, silly. And why don't you think people like you?”

    “Like... it is an alien concept amongst Nincada. We compete to survive. The first human I met chose me just because I was stronger than others. I fight the Pokemon I see. I'm not sure I know how to 'like'.”

    “Well,” Kirlia said, less steadily, “do you like me?”

    “Perhaps,” Nincada said, no emotion in his voice. “I think it so. Because you are kind. You don't fight me and we talk. I feel warm being with you. Is this 'liking'?”

    Despite Nincada feeling no special emotions while saying this, Kirlia felt a tear form in one of her eyes.

    “Yes,” she said quietly, careful not to let her voice tremble.

    “That's nice,” Nincada said contentedly. “Does this make us... friends?”

    “Of course!” Kirlia said, regaining her composure.

    Nincada didn't talk for a few moments; instead he enjoyed the warm feeling flowing through him. He liked having a friend.

    “Will we be friends forever?” Nincada asked curiously, his voice still lacking any emotion.

    “Of course!” Kirlia smiled.

    “...Promise?” Nincada said, when he suddenly realised how sad it would make him if he were to have no friends again. Without any meaning, longing had crept into his voice.

    “Promise,” she confirmed happily.

    And the duo walked on; one feeling some of the best emotions of his life, and the other marvelling at the joy radiating off the other.


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 21st December 2013 at 10:17 PM.
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
    Read My Epic Fanfic -

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  16. #141

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    I'm here from the review game Let's get to it.

    Now, since I haven't read your first chapter I have absolutely no idea what is going on xD That said, I can still review this baby.

    - Opening (did it make you want to read onwards? Did it lack a hook? How so?)
    - I believe that the opening scene with Jack looking through the library, acting like a Mighteyna. Definitely got me interested in finding out what exactly is he so jumpy and excited for. Although this was nice, for those who haven't seen the previous chapters, it wouldn't hurt to add in after a few chapters "The Story so far". This could greatly help keeping new readers up to par and so that they don't get confused half way there.

    - Scene (what stood out to you in a particular scene? Was it good or bad? How so?)

    - What stood out to me in this particular scene, was when Jack was getting picked up by the woman and started acting all nervous and shy. I'm usually a tough man but damn that got to me, made me even go awww for a moment. Fluffy is good, and is definitely an aspect of writing that most author's should learn how to perfect, and you sir have done it well. Especially for the woman the way she said her lines made it all the more convincing of her character.
    “What's the matter, honey?” she cooed as she lifted him up from under his outstretched arms. Jack just pushed his face into her shoulder, certain that the person would still be looking at him. He heard his Mum apologise to the librarian before walking out the room and setting off down the stairs, all the while trying to get a peep out of her son.

    Gets me every time :P
    (Writing (too flowery? Too many adverbs? Too old fashioned for a high-school drama romance? Perfect match? How so?)
    - Your writing style is quite readable and a breath of fresh air from the usual styles of writing that are posted here. You have great descriptions, and each of the character's lines sound perfect for their characters. I don't know how better to say it.

    - Dialogue (how did it flow? Awkward? Didn't fit the age group that were speaking? Forced? How so?)
    As I mentioned earlier, the dialogue was very well done, and it seems as if your chapters are sparking with improvement with every new one posted. I'm going to be quite blown out of my seat when I read your final chapter and compare it to your old work.
    Fan Fic: Nexus Renegade
    When a new dimension is created and gives birth to three terrors of the world. The Nexus will judge you
    Currently Under Revision
    Special Thanks to Inudono19 for the Badass Morph of the Creation Trio

  17. #142
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    Sorry for how long this took to get around to.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post

    Chapter 19
    Research


    Jack liked prowling through the library book shelves. It made him feel like a Mightyena on the hunt, peeking through a foliage of books, his feet padding gently on what he imagined was a carpet of moss and grass.

    On all fours he crept along, feeling comforted by his proximity to the shelves and floor in the semi-abandoned library. He knew nobody could see him, purely because he was alone in this particular row. He knew his Mum was somewhere near the door on the other side of the room, probably in deep conversation, but he'd saw some other kids a bit older than him during his initial run through the place. He could just about hear them and, grinning in excitement, he began to crawl towards the source of low murmurs.
    This is some great description to start out, very detailed and vivid. I feel like I should know Jack already, though, because you named him right away.

    Occasionally rising to two legs, the boy slunk from one row of books to another before spotting the children – although he could see they were really more like teenagers – sitting at a table in a central location of the large library. The boy shuddered happily; he felt so secret, so skilful having crept up on these people unawares. With only half the side of his face poking around the edge of the shelf, he decided, like any good-natured six-year-old, to spy on them.

    There were three of them: a boy whose face was hidden, immersed in a leather-bound book; beside him, a bored-looking girl reading a book off the table whilst balancing her head on her hand and tapping her fingers absent mindedly, and one other person next to her, staring right at Jack.
    It's interesting that you're choosing to introduce the main characters into this chapter by using the eyes of a secondary bystander. I think that gives it a bit of a unique spin that makes it feel fresh.

    The boy instantly snapped back behind the shelf, a cold bolt of shock quickly running through him. Recovering after a few seconds he looked around again, only to see the teen still looking at him.

    Jack couldn't tell if it were a boy or a girl – its features seemed to blend from one gender to the other whilst looking completely normal. Very normal. Jack wondered if he would even have noted the person if it weren't for those scary, wide eyes that seemed to look right through him. Or that demonic, over-large grin plastered on its face.
    Not sure whether to be laughing or terrified, and even though I know who it is from beta-ing the chapter, the creepiness factor is still effective on me. You did that scene well.

    Jack didn't feel like a brave Mightyena any more. The person was scaring him. With just one look back, he ran through the room, book dashing past him until he was burying himself in his Mum's thigh.

    “What's the matter, honey?” she cooed as she lifted him up from under his outstretched arms. Jack just pushed his face into her shoulder, certain that the person would still be looking at him. He heard his Mum apologise to the librarian before walking out the room and setting off down the stairs, all the while trying to get a peep out of her son.

    Back at the chair, the 'person' looked longingly after the child.

    “What a cute kid,” Celebi sighed.
    Okay, now I had to laugh. Celebi's quite the amusing presence.

    “Shh,” was all Edward replied as he eagerly flipped the page.

    “Oh, shh yourself. When can we go?” Nuria moaned.

    “Look,” Edward said with an ounce of frustration, pushing his book in front of her, “how about you look through the list and see who it could be?”
    I missed the interactions these two had. It's always great to read a new chapter from you because of them.

    Sighing, Nuria aligned the book and began to read.

    “Ho-oh. Apparently brought other Legendaries back to life. Probably not the killer. Mew. Apparently created all life. Probably not the killer. Mewtwo and Genesect. Apparently made in labs years ago. Probably aren't the killers.

    “Come on, stop with the sarcasm. Instead of who it isn't, who could it be?”

    “Well,” Nuria said complacently, flicking to a page with a dark, malevolent illustration of a shadow with nightmarish eyes, “Darkrai looks iffy as hell to me.”

    “We're not going to label someone as a mass murderer because they look 'iffy'.”

    “Then why are we going to?” she said pointedly, snapping the book shut. She underlined the book title with her finger: “'Pokemon Myths and Legends'. Myths. Legends. Who knows how much of this is right or not? Speaking of which,” she flicked through it quickly, “look – 'Celebi, commonly referred to as 'The Voice of Ilex Forest', is rumoured to live in and protect this ancient-' - see? So we know most of this is a load of Ponyta poop.”
    Maybe I'm screaming at windmills here, but why does this feel like a major hint to the killer's identity? Why do I suddenly get the feeling that Celebi could be the killer? That would be a hell of a twist...

    [quote]“I liked Ilex,” Celebi said in wonder looking around the room with fascination.

    “Speaking of which,” Nuria said, turning to Celebi, “can you drop the human thing. You're freaking me out and I swear you just scarred a little kid for life.”

    Celebi pouted.

    “But it's so fun being hidden so well. Nobody would suspect a human!”[/quote[

    This comes off as tempting to see as foreshadowing too...

    “But,” she said, passing the book back to an eager Edward, “nobody in a thousand miles would think you're really human.”

    The librarian popped her head around a corner and hushed her at the same time as Edward did. She gave up and, out of complete boredom, lay her head on the table and covered herself with her hands.
    Evidently that librarian doesn't see anything too suspicious about Celebi.

    Edward flipped through the book for the umpteenth time. Moltres? In a Pokeball. And it didn't seem right that any of the other birds would be crazily evil. What about the dogs? No, that doesn't seem right either, Edward thought, one of a trio being different doesn't fit. Regigigas? No, that built the continents or something.

    “Thoughts, Celebi?” Edward asked, frustrated.

    “I fancy more candy floss,” it intoned, causing Nuria to knead her own head.

    “No, about who the killer might be.”

    “Oh. No clue. I've lived too long to remember such fine details about my past.”
    I swear, I can so easily see this thing turning out to be evil.

    “Like a whole bloody planet being annihilated?” Nuria seethed.

    “Stuff like that happens all the time,” Celebi shrugged. “Worlds live, worlds die. But that candy floss...”

    “I'd kill you if you weren't so immortal. And stop looking at me like that!”

    “But you said you didn't like me being invisible.”

    “But what I meant was-”

    “Look,” Edward cut over, “how about you just tell us which Legends you think might be evil or not then we can leave.”

    Celebi's human face strained in concentration.

    “Well... Mewtwo always seemed... brisk when I invited it out...”
    Mewtwo's too obvious, plus, unless you give it a new backstory it isn't exactly ancient.

    “But Mew itself must have been a barrel of laughs,” Nuria commented sarcastically.

    “Yes, actually – we once went to this fairground in the year-”
    Wait, something just hit me, even though it doesn't have much to do with this line. This line just triggered it.

    What if the "killer" is more than one creature?

    Nuria jumped up suddenly.

    “Eddy. We're leaving. I can't take this whiny god while feeling trapped in such a stupidly boring area.”
    Is "whiny" really the best word to use? Celebi wasn't whining, really.

    “Libraries aren't-” Edward started.

    “Leaving.” Nuria pulled Edward up firmly. “Now.”

    Sighing, Edward carefully collected up the book and his bag and headed over to the book take-out. After scanning the book and using his Pokedex to verify his identity, he received the receipt – the name of the book followed by 'Must return within 30 days'. Edward couldn't help but chuckle slightly. The world on the brink of apocalypse, and they still want their books back.
    I like that little detail of using the Pokedex to verify one's identity. It's a neat little worldbuilding detail to see at a time like this.

    And yeah, somehow I get the feeling the library won't be seeing that book again.

    Edward shuffled hurriedly after Nuria and slowly followed behind her downstairs – Damn these ribs impose a dumb speed limit, he thought bitterly. He didn't bother looking back on Celebi; he knew it would pop up sooner or later.

    “Last time I ever let you drag me in a library,” Nuria muttered.

    They got to the ground floor: here the stacks and shelves shared space with the odd glass case exhibiting some oceanic wonder: although he wanted to stay and fawn over the remnants of the library's museum days, he sense Nuria might stab him with a book if he tried.
    I'm not sure why you used a colon twice in this part, but I must apologize as I would have corrected it in the beta had I noticed it. A semicolon could go in the place of the first one, and the second one should be a period.

    Soon they were out: the gloomy sky like a placard to the pair, as if shouting 'Get a move on'. Subconsciously taking the message in, they quickened their pace, turning right around the library and back towards the northward route.

    It took a few awkward seconds for someone to break the silence.

    “So,” Nuria said, “you got a plan for the electric gym?”

    “It'll probably be a breeze if Mudkip evolves by then,” Edward replied, manoeuvring gently to get his Pokedex whilst inflicting minimal damage on his chest. After getting to the correct section, he enlarged the Mudkip diagram.
    Just want to point out that I like how Edward's injury actually did not go away immediately. It continues to be relevant, which is good.

    “This says he should have evolved by now,” Edward voiced frustratedly.

    “Just give it a few levels,” Nuria encouraged. “You're lucky to have Nincada as it is: if neither evolve then you'll have at least one ground-type. I, on the other hand, am stuck with a water, grass and psychic type.” She looked over at Edward for a second. “The Gym Leader has a Magneton, right?”

    “Magnezone,” Edward corrected whilst scrolling through his other Pokemon.
    I think I like how you're playing levels a little loosely; overall, you've used them in a much better fashion than most writers.

    Magnezone was a surprise.

    “Darn,” she cursed, sinking into her own thoughts.

    “You shouldn't worry either: Kirlia seems over-powered enough for anything.”

    Nuria chuckled.

    “I suppose. Speaking of Kirlia, guess what level she is?”

    “Thirty.”

    “Close: Twenty-nine. Soon” she gloated, “I shall have a fabulous Gardevoir.”
    I can just visualize Nuria being smug here, and I really like it.

    “Whatever,” Edward said as he put his Pokedex away. “And how are the rest doing?”

    “Both at sixteen.”

    “I'd cough 'favouritism' at you, but I don't think my ribs could take it,” Edward commented sarcastically as they approached the route.

    “Hey, training Shellder, like, ten levels in one day isn't that bad, is it? He's getting along fairly well – barely scratched by any physical attack.”
    This is a good, believable discussion about levels. Usually it can come off as awkward, but it feels like an ordinary, everyday concept to them.

    “And Bayleef? Didn't that evolve at sixteen?” Edward thought for a second. “Hang on, when was the last time you actually used Bayleef?”

    “Shall we go through the trees?” Nuria asked, completely ignoring Edward's question. They had just reached the threshold of the route, complete with the plethora of battling trainers. “You know, to avoid unwanted battles?”
    "Didn't that evolve at sixteen" feels like a bit of a rude way for Edward to phrase that question. I can believe why he might be rude here, though.

    Nuria's bringing up the proposal to avoid unwanted battles (and ignoring Edward in the process) is strange. Something is clearly up with her, because she was just talking about how Edward should train Mudkip to evolve.

    “Sure,” Edward said off-handedly.

    They took a sharp left and found a shaded opening in the trees far from the battling trainers – with any hope, Edward thought, they wouldn't be seen at all. However...

    “How about you send out Kirlia?” Edward asked as the approached the trees. Edward realised that, whilst containing an easily-walkable track, the dense trees prevented much light getting in.

    “Is poor Eddy afwaid of the dark?” Nuria taunted happily, though releasing Kirlia regardless.

    “Shut-up,” was all Edward could offer in terms of a come-back. Nuria chuckled and followed Kirlia into the forest.
    "as they approached the trees."

    Edward and Nuria's interaction stands out again here, and it's nice to see Kirlia once more.

    After perhaps half a minute of getting attuned to the light levels, Edward found there was enough room to walk beside Kirlia and Nuria.

    “So how are your Pokemon doing?” Nuria asked as he walked up next to her.

    “Mudkip and Nincada at eighteen and Zubat at fifteen. A little more... even than your spread.”

    “Why don't you send out Nincada?” Nuria offered. Edward began to comply, but with slight hesitance. Did she sound excited?

    “Why Nincada?” Edward asked as he took out his Pokeball from his pocket.

    “I like Nincada. Is that such a bad thing?” Nuria asked,sounding slightly offended.
    Hmm, this feels a little unusual for Nuria. Maybe my memory is just fuzzy, but something feels off about her liking Nincada this much. Maybe she's just being nicer than usual?

    “No, no,” Edward said, holding his Pokeball out and tossing it gently. Before the ball rebounded to his hand, Nincada had formed, looking up at the three. Edward quickly looked over at Nuria; she seemed a little confused.

    “Would you like to walk with us?” Edward asked awkwardly. Nincada nod was as awkward as Edward's question; obviously he was surprised to be invited just to 'walk'.
    It is a bit surprising, but as I think about it, I guess I can see where it came from.

    The now-foursome continued onwards, the group naturally splitting into Kirlia and Nincada at the front and Nuria and Edward trailing a bit behind. Nuria's pace slowed – obviously she expected Edward to do the same.

    “That was weird,” she muttered under her breath so only Edward could hear.

    “What? That you like Nincada?”

    “Yeah... Not that there's anything I don't like about it, but...”

    Nuria left the sentence hanging, focussing on the ground as she walked. Unable to find anything to say, Edward looked ahead to Kirlia and Nincada, wondering what must be going through their heads.
    So she acknowledges that what happened is odd. That's good; maybe we'll get an explanation for it.

    Nincada felt strange crawling beside the elegant psychic-type. Last time they had met, after all, they were about the same in terms of power and she seemed so shy. She seemed more bold now, and it was blatant who was the stronger one here; power almost radiated out of her.
    This really painted a vivid picture for me. I like it.

    “How are you?” Kirlia asked courteously. Nincada stiffened slightly. There it was again.

    “Good,” he replied. They carried on walking for a while.

    “How is training?” she asked just as kindly.

    “Good,” he replied. He could feel the atmosphere tense.
    The dialogue here is good, but I think you could do without the descriptors; ie the "they carried on walking for a while," "she asked just as kindly," "he could feel the atmosphere tense."

    “Are you okay?” Kirlia asked, genuine concern in her voice. “You're not talking very much.”

    Nincada looked away awkwardly.

    “My brethren do not act in such ways...” Nincada muttered. Kirlia looked down sympathetically. Seconds passed as she thought.
    Nice touch. I like that you keep in mind that these Pokemon are from different species and backgrounds, and accordingly give them differing customs and behavior.

    “How are things with Edward?”

    Nincada felt taken aback by the question. He'd never really thought about it before.

    “Good,” he said, unsure.

    “Care to elaborate?” Kirlia asked cheerily.

    “What do you mean? We train, yes, and I get stronger. That is good, no?”

    “But I mean, how do you get along? What does he say to you?”

    Nincada thought for several moments.

    “Fury Swipes, Dig, Harden-”
    ...This is true, and it really hit me when I realized that. This is a really good emotional bit, and you deliver it subtly instead of hitting readers over the head with it, which is another plus.

    “No, no,” Kirlia interjected politely, “I mean, when you're not battling?”

    “We... we don't.”

    “Okay,” Kirlia responded, smiling happily. “So... do you still have that present?”

    Nincada felt the well of affection build up in him for the second time.

    “Yes, it lies beneath my back wing. I like present very much. Thank you.”
    I'm trying to remember what the gift was, but I can't. Can you remind me?

    Kirlia, being attuned to the insect's feelings, joined him in the surge of joy.

    “I like you,” Kirlia said happily. Nincada tilted its head.
    Ooh, I like this. Good job remembering the Kirlia family's abilities.

    “Why? I have done nothing to make you like me. I did not think anyone liked me.”

    Kirlia briefly thought of the childish, yet loveable, overzealous Mudkip, the uptight, solemn Zubat and...That ***** of a Bayleef.

    “Because you're a nice person, silly. And why don't you think people like you?”

    “Like... it is an alien concept amongst Nincada. We compete to survive. The first human I met chose me just because I was stronger than others. I fight the Pokemon I see. I'm not sure I know how to 'like'.”

    “Well,” Kirlia said, less steadily, “do you like me?”

    “Perhaps,” Nincada said, no emotion in his voice. “I think it so. Because you are kind. You don't fight me and we talk. I feel warm being with you. Is this 'liking'?”

    Despite Nincada feeling no special emotions while saying this, Kirlia felt a tear form in one of her eyes.

    “Yes,” she said quietly, careful not to let her voice tremble.

    “That's nice,” Nincada said contentedly. “Does this make us... friends?”

    “Of course!” Kirlia said, regaining her composure.

    Nincada didn't talk for a few moments; instead he enjoyed the warm feeling flowing through him. He liked having a friend.

    “Will we be friends forever?” Nincada asked curiously, his voice still lacking any emotion.

    “Of course!” Kirlia smiled.

    “...Promise?” Nincada said, when he suddenly realised how sad it would make him if he were to have no friends again. Without any meaning, longing had crept into his voice.

    “Promise,” she confirmed happily.

    And the duo walked on; one feeling some of the best emotions of his life, and the other marvelling at the joy radiating off the other.
    This relationship already proves to be quite interesting. Seeing such a thing building up among two Pokemon is a nice surprise, and I'm left wondering where this will go, because it clearly is going somewhere.

    That was a good chapter. It felt like it had the right amount of content, and everything seemed to flow nicely from scene to scene.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 20th July 2013 at 6:05 AM.

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  18. #143

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    Ok I'm here from the Review game I'm about to kick things off :P since I already reviewed Chapter 19, I'll take a shot at 17.

    After sluggishly getting dressed and popping to the toilet
    Wait....he went to the toilet? That's a rare sight, seeing an author describe their OT's time in the dumps.

    the news said, globally, roughly a million people have died.
    The comma in front of said sounds a bit off when I read it out loud. Consider changing it to "the news said globally, that roughly a million people have died.

    Am I really that self-centered now? That I only feel sad if something directly affects me or- NO!
    I really like this sentence. I believe that it is one of Edward's most defining moments as he does not want to show weakness but feels as if he should mourn.

    twp against Gym Leaders
    That should be two :P

    Edward agreed, nodding.
    This sentence reads as awkward to me. Maybe "Edward agreed as he nodded his head?"

    Out of the few things he and Nuria had agreed on in their childhood, their views on contests were the same. Stupid
    Now I didn't expect this lol. Although, you have hinted several times in your past chapters that Edward and Nuria detest contests so I shouldn't be all that surprised.

    Literally, a Ninetales somewhere in Orre used Sunny Day, and the intense heat that followed nearly hospitalised an entire city until the effect wore off.
    I really wonder if this sentence has anything to do with Groundon and Kyogure...this got me thinking.

    Some random scientists in Unova think that, without Kyogre or Groudon keeping balance, any weather effect has a comparably larger effect
    Annnnd you just explained it roflmao.

    Just before entering the entering
    Oh Oh, we got a problem here.

    we'll stand a better chance again the gym if we train more.
    Against

    Nincada – 16, Zubat – 13, Mudkip – 16. It should have evolved by now! Edward thought exasperatedly.
    xD I remember when in the games I accidentally pressed the x button. Edward must be pretty mad about that.

    Nincada little head's suddenly
    Nincada's




    I'll stop there and call it a rap. You've noticed a few minor grammar mistakes in your writing. With simple proof reading, I'm sure you could pin point all of the errors

    I have to admit your story has gotten me quite interested in happening who was the one who killed Grou and Ky. Also, it is quite rare for me to find a story that takes place in Sinnoh, so kudo`s to you my bratha.
    Edward has become one of my favourite characters. He sorta reminds me of myself, of how sometimes he feels he needs to cry, but just can`t the tears to do so. Also, Nuria's personality strikes me as the typical "smart mouthed hot head" but you've done it in a way that makes it enjoyable. I'm looking forward to seeing more from you Scav
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  19. #144
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    Well, it's been several months, and I don't feel I want to disturb Dragonfree or The Great Butler after all this time, so I tried (and most probably failed hilariously) at proof-reading myself several times. It's been a while since my last burst of creativity, so hopefully there aren't too many problems.

    Chapter 20
    Intervention


    Edward watched as Nincada and Kirlia walked ahead of them, talking quietly amongst themselves. What would they have to talk about? Edward thought, wondering when the last time they'd ever met was. During our battle? No, they didn't fight then... So, that night, then?

    Losing interest in the thought, Edward looked at Nuria, who in turn was observing Nincada with a suspicious gaze.

    “So, they seem to be getting along,” said Edward, indicating to the Pokemon before him.

    “Yeah,” muttered Nuria absent-mindedly. After a few seconds, she said, “What's wrong with Nincada's wing?”

    Edward couldn't see anything wrong at first, and it was only after a few seconds he noticed how one was bent slightly more than the other.

    “Is that a stone lodged under it?” Edward asked Nuria.

    “Perhaps,” she mumbled, now sounding disinterested.

    Unsure of what to say, Edward looked around. They'd strayed further into the trees: he could no longer make out the path of battling trainers, with only far-off, indistinguishable cries indicating there was even anything there at all.

    Now fairly bored, Edward began sliding his rucksack off, careful as not to place much too strain on his chest. As he reached in to take out the book on Legendaries, he hooked his foot on a root; suddenly Nuria's hand was on his chest, preventing his fall. Despite the sharp pain coursing across his chest, he quickly yelped 'Thanks!'.

    “No problem,” Nuria said, taking his bag and sliding it onto her own shoulder along with her own. Edward smiled thankfully at her and began walking, flipping his book open to the glossary as he did.

    “So, how do we even know all these Legendaries even exist?” Edward wondered out loud as he scanned the first page of names. Cartath, Heatran, Methilace, Lavan, Jirachi... throughout his life he'd heard of all of them, but where was the separator between truth and legend?

    “I dunno,” Nuria drawled sarcastically, some playfulness returning to her voice, “if only we had a legendary of our own to consult....oh wait.”

    Edward smirked and looked behind him. No Celebi, not even a shimmer.

    “So,” he said slightly louder, “can we get some help figuring this out?”

    No response.


    “Celebi?” he called, turning his head.

    Nothing.

    “Good riddance,” Nuria remarked taking the book from Edward and reading through it herself.

    “Where do you think it's gone?” Edward asked.

    “1366? Space-Slateport? How am I supposed to know? It'll probably return when it decides to annoy us some more.”

    “Well, alright then... and I suppose it would have brought it up if we mentioned a false Legendary at the library, right?,” Edward said uneasily, turning his attention back to the book in Nuria's hand. And if it forgets? I wouldn't put it past getting it having so much fun Arceus-knows-where that it completely forgets us.

    “I dunno, Eddy, it seemed too distracted by the wonders of being human, don't you think?'

    Edward grunted lazily in reply, frustrated he hadn't thought to ask the question earlier. It's a Legendary Pokemon for crying out loud, I shouldn't need to point out these little things!

    After a few more minutes of walking and reading, something occurred to Edward.

    “Hang on, you dodged that conversation earlier about Bayleef. What's with you and her?”

    Nuria's silence hung in the air for a short while, her grip tightening on the book.

    “It's nothing really. We just came to an agreement is all.”

    Edward arched his eyebrows.

    “Oookay. Care to elaborate, or...?” Nuria shifted uneasily, closing the book but keeping it in her hands.

    “Back at Dewford – or at least what was left – I needed her to battle you so... well, you know, but she didn't want anything to do with that. I asked her if she wanted me to release her after-”

    “Whoa! Seriously?” Edward couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nuria would have thrown away her starter Pokemon to prove a point to him?

    “Shut-up,” she grumbled, “and let me finish. She was a bit peeved I was so willing to suggest that, but to be honest at the time I was angry with her and fairly wet and cold so I didn't really care. She told me that, despite hating me and all other humans, she still wanted to mature and grow stronger, and she reckoned that would only be possible if I took her around with me.

    “But there was a catch. She said that, if I ever wanted to use her in a battle, right, I won't be able to issue commands, and have to let her decide how she battles.”

    Nuria paused for a few seconds, as though consolidating all she just said.

    “So?” Edward asked carefully. “It could have gone much worse.” Edward noticed her knuckles turn white as she now practically strangled the book.

    'So?'? So I'll look like an idiot trainer who can't even control her starter. And you know how stupid Pokemon can be during battle: moves take up so much of their concentration they get confused if they use much more than four in a battle, so strategy isn't their strong point. And besides, would you trust the Pokemon who'd previously tried to skin an Archen?”

    Edward couldn't find anything to say, but still he couldn't see what the big issue was. If Bayleef wanted a bit of freedom, so what? And if it got... rowdy again then wouldn't Nuria just be able to recall it? What's the big fuss about?

    Feeling uncomfortable, Edward just looked ahead, noting that Kirlia was now almost marching ahead, viscously kicking small pebbles out of her way, to Nincada's obvious confusion.

    Out of nowhere, a Houndoom clenched its teeth around Kirlia's body.

    For a few seconds, absolutely nothing happened. Edward stopped, Nuria stopped, Nincada stopped, and even the Houndoom paused for a second. Kirlia's face was frozen in an image of confusion, trying to move the arms clamped to her sides.

    Nincada was the first to react, jumping at the demon dog claws-first. Then Edward and Nuria were throwing their hands into their pockets, dragging out as many Pokeballs as possible and throwing them between themselves and the creature.

    As four Pokemon materialised, the Houndoom snorted a thin shot of fire at Nincada, knocking it back to the ground.

    “Dig!” Edward screeched, aware Nuria was also shouting but couldn't hear what. He shouted hurried orders and Mudkip and Zubat, and despite the orders being gibberish, the message was clear: help Kirlia.

    Now Kirlia was screaming and thrashing, rivers of blood streaking from the area beneath Houndoom's maw. Edward could sense her panic like a homing beacon: the fangs were buried in her arms, literally pinning them to her body.

    As Nincada disappeared below ground, Mudkip launched a jet of water at the dog, pushing it back slightly but obviously not doing much damage. Nincada flew in close to try a Wing Attack, but Shellder's Water Gun hit it in the back, propelling him into the Houndoom. Houndoom replied with a torrent of fire from its half-closed mouth, burning around Kirlia's body toward Zubat and Mudkip. Kirlia's scream intensified, but Houndoom brutally shook its head and Kirlia fell limp, its body bending over the sides of the jaws.

    Beside him, Nuria fell to the ground.

    Edward crouched down to her, ignoring the pain in his ribs, and saw how white her face had become. Her eyes, although closed,were red and puffy, and her lips were bleeding, from what appeared to be... teeth marks?Then he realised: just a second before, Nuria had been screaming alongside her Kirlia. In his shock, Edward couldn't even contemplate any meaning to this. He was now transfixed on the Houndoom as it let Kirlia fall, broken, to the ground and let out a loud howl.

    Houndoom. Everywhere.

    From all directions, at least ten of them bounded from the bushes and brambles into open view, each closing in on a separate target. Edward was pushed to the ground as something leapt into his back.

    And now he was on the floor, his body oddly limp, the only indication of panic being his elated heartbeat. He heard the other Pokemon shriek in surprise and agony, but before he could look up, the hair on the back of his neck stood as he heard the deep, threatening growl inches from his skull. He couldn't think. He scrambled his arms to try and move, but the Houndoom pinned his arms to the ground. Choking back a dry sob, Edward felt every muscle in his body tense up and he waited for the inevitable.

    And waited.

    And waited.

    And waited.

    His heartbeat was now a constant hum, and that was all he could focus on. He didn't even feel the popping of his ears as the air pressure suddenly increased. Or the release of pressure as Houndoom leapt off of him. He didn't notice any of this, and only after curling up into a ball and rocking himself for half a minute did he realise that he was safe.

    Surprised, he roughly wiped his bleary eyes with his sleeves and looked up. Bayleef, Zubat, Shellder, Mudkip, Zubat, Kirlia, even Nincada: all the Pokemon were on the floor, motionless save for the irregular spasms indicating painful breaths, covered in bloody gashes and charred skin.

    How could this have happened? he wondered. Steadily he rose and immediately noticed Nuria had been lying behind him, with Celebi several feet above, looking intently into her face. She looked calmer now, her flesh returned to its original colour and her lips healed as though no blood had been shed there. In the instant upon seeing her, he also saw how her hand was stuck in her rucksack at an awkward angle, as though she had tried to pull something out.

    “What-” Edward began, but the Legendary raised its arm, cutting him off. He quickly felt up and down his body: despite the ribs, he couldn't feel much damage. He realised with a start that he didn't even feel particularly bad – now the shock was wearing away, there was a strange calm in him.

    Well, this can't really compare to nearly drowning and meeting a shed-load of Legendaries in less than a week.

    Even through this rationale, Edward seemed surprised with his own steadiness as he recalled each of his Pokemon. I could have actually died, he thought, but even then there was no particular stab of panic. Am I in shock? Or just getting used to this?.

    All his Pokemon now in their Pokeballs, he knelt to Nuria's abandoned Pokeballs and began to recall hers. As he picked up Kirlia's, however, Celebi swooped in front of him, pushing the ball out of his grip onto the ground.

    “What-” Edward began again, but now Celebi used words to cut over him as it looked curiously between Nuria and Kirlia.

    “Kirlia imprinted a psychic link with Nuria some time ago, probably unintentionally. In times of severe emotional output they'll both experience the same thing.”

    Edward couldn't decide whether he felt more perturbed because of what he was hearing or how serious Celebi seemed to be acting. Then he realised.

    “So, when Houndoom bit Kirlia-”

    “Nuria experienced the pain too, yes. A human's pain threshold is vastly inferior to most Pokemon, and this attack nearly killed Kirlia. I've removed her memory of this to prevent severe shock symptoms.”

    “And Kirlia?” Edward asked, his throat dry.

    “Her body had shut down, but her mind remained active. I healed her most major wounds but she asked me not to take her memory. As a Pokemon she will be able to deal with the shock, but I'll keep my eye on her. Any more questions?”

    Edward took a few deep breaths. Everything would be okay. Nuria and Kirlia were safe, as were he and the rest of the Pokemon. Something didn't make sense, however.

    “Pokedexes are meant to scan the area for hostile Pokemon. What happened to that?”

    Celebi replied without skipping a beat:

    “Kirlia had been sensing the area using her psychic energy to scan all living life-forms. This psychic field distorts the space around her, thus distorting the electromagnetic field around each Pokedex which detects the hormones of aggressive Pokemon. As the Houndoom are genetically immune to psychic wavelengths, Kirlia could not sense them, so the Houndoom were a shock to everyone, most of all Kirlia.”

    Edward closed his eyes, trying to make sense of it all.

    “And where were you?”

    From behind its back Celebi produced a small pink puff-ball.

    “Candy floss?”

    Edward groaned, kneading his head as he sank to a crossed-leg position.

    “How is she now? Physically?”

    “She's okay, but when she wakes up she'll be dazed and will want to know what happened.”

    Edward considered the possibilities. Taking her to a Pokemon Centre or hospital would be suspicious, and there's definitely be an investigation. They might want to keep her longer for treatment... and if the Pokemon mention what's happening? Edward quickly scanned his memory, then bit his lip in frustration. How did I forget to tell Nincada not to tell anyone what was going on? What if he mentions Regice to a nurse? If we stay here though, they'd come back and-

    “No, they won't. As long as they feel my presence, they won't come near us.”

    Edward sighed, looking around for any place where they could shelter for a while.

    Suddenly he was sitting in a small, cosy plain. The light was dim, the little light getting through the canopy having little to illuminate but the moss-strewn floor.

    “We're not too far from where we were, don't worry,” Celebi muttered, still examining the space between Nuria and Ralts, each of whom had also appeared in the area. After a few seconds, the Legendary looked at Edward.

    “Okay, recall Kirlia now.” As Edward raised Kirlia's Pokeball, Edward could have sworn he saw Kirlia begin to try and stand.

    “So,” Celebi said, its previous enthusiasm returning, “what do you want to do now?”

    Edward lay back on the moss, wondering what he was even supposed to be thinking at a time like this. I could have died. But I didn't. But Nuria got hurt. But now she's okay. He tucked his hands under his head. There's something wrong with me, he decided finally.

    Edward turned to his side, and as he did he rolled onto the book of Legendaries. Picking it up and flicking it open, he held it up for Celebi to see.

    “You mind going through this with me and telling me who's real and who isn't?”

    Celebi bit its lip, as though considering all the other fun stuff it could go and have throughout the entirety of the past.

    “Okay,” it said reluctantly, and hovered over to lie on the moss next to Edward. Looking over to Nuria again, he passed the book to Celebi (who had the mass of candy floss held between its front teeth) and crawled the short distance over to her.

    What were you trying to get? Edward wondered, gently sliding the bag off her arm. With only a few of the contents spilling out, the bag came off relatively easily.

    Edward's heart leapt momentarily as he realised the gun in Nuria's hand was now facing him square in the chest.

    In a flash he rolled out of the way, and, after catching his breath slightly and rubbing his protesting ribs, gently uncurled Nuria's fingers from around the weapon, letting it fall. Arms shaking, he awkwardly picked it up, making sure his fingers were completely clear of the trigger.

    Seeing it clearly in the light for the first time, Edward pondered over where she could have got it. A shop? No, probably not. Her Mum? Well... could she have been the sort? Edward bit his lip as he thought of Nuria's affectionate, kindly Mum, and wondered exactly how far she might have gone in the name of self defence.

    Gingerly replacing the weapon, face down, in her rucksack, Edward exhaled and crawled back over to Celebi, leaving the bag halfway between them.

    “So, found any fakes?” Edward asked as he rolled onto his back next to the deity. Celebi nodded and smiled, flipping back to the glossary page.

    “Yep, though I'm not sure about some.”

    “Not sure?” Edward asked, intending for there to be incredulity in his voice, but instead was just monotonous.

    “Poor memory. Most I know for certain do exist, so why don't we just go through them?”

    “Sure,” Edward said, his interest starting to build slightly. Despite knowing he'd have to battle whatever really existed in this book, he could never pass up on learning more about the Legendary Pokemon he'd loved to research as he grew up.

    “So,” Celebi said, nestling into the moss to make itself comfortable, carefully balancing the ball of candy floss on its little belly, “where do you want to start?”


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 21st December 2013 at 10:16 PM.

  20. #145
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    Great to see you're still going.

    I don't have the time for a very detailed review right now, but I'll comment on some stuff that stuck out.

    Overall you seem to have done a pretty decent job of proofreading, although I'm assuming the italics tags weren't part of that since at least two or three of them have some kind of typo in them.

    It seemed a little off to me that Edward notices a stone stuck under Nincada's wing but then forgets about it (after all, it could hurt him), but then again it sounds like Kirlia has some kind of psychic scheme going on here and she may just have diverted his attention away, as she's clearly done with Nuria.

    You have a double paragraph break in one spot early on; it should be easy to find.

    I'm not sure why Nuria doesn't just release Bayleef anyway if the terms of their agreement are completely unacceptable to her - it's not as if Bayleef could force her to train her if she doesn't want to. Having Bayleef clearly isn't doing Nuria any good if she refuses to ever use her, so releasing just seems like a better option for everyone.

    It seems a bit weird how first Edward's reaction to the Houndoom is kind of over-the-top - curling into a ball and crying for a minute without noticing the Houndoom is gone seems especially melodramatic - but then afterwards he seems completely unfazed and assumes he's just gotten used to his life being in danger, which is not at all what his reaction during indicates. I guess Celebi may have been messing with his emotions, but either way it's weird for him to think he's getting used to it when just earlier he was reacting really badly. Unless Celebi erased his memory of it too and he didn't even notice?

    As the Houndoom are genetically immune to psychic wavelengths, Kirlia could not sense them, so the Houndoom were a shock to everyone, least of all Kirlia.
    "Least of all" is only used when you're describing something in the negative - so you could use it if you had e.g. "so nobody noticed the Houndoom, least of all Kirlia." As it is, since you're saying the Houndoom were a shock to everyone, you'd have to use something like "especially Kirlia".

    Taking her to a Pokemon Centre or hospital would be suspicious, and there's definitely be an investigation.
    Why, though? They didn't do anything wrong - they were just walking around with a Kirlia without realizing it was disrupting the Pokédex's wild Pokémon scan function. Then they could just say the Houndoom were scared off somehow but they didn't get to see what it was that scared them. It's hardly implausible or suspicious that some good samaritan wild Pokémon with a type advantage could have happened upon the scene, for instance. Even if it seems odd, I can't see any reason anyone would investigate them because of this - nothing bad happened that they could be held responsible for.

    I really like that Nuria was reaching for the gun, and still enjoy just how much its existence freaks out Edward.

    Gingerly replace it carefully, face down, in her rucksack, Edward exhaled and crawled back over to Celebi, leaving the bag halfway between them.
    That should be "replacing", although having two "-ing" clauses in the same sentence is a bit awkward do I'd reword it somehow. "Gingerly replacing it carefully" is also both awkward and redundant.

    Right now the Houndoom encounter seems a bit out of nowhere, but it's fine if it has consequences that matter as the story goes on - I was just expecting Kirlia to have died or something but the way Celebi describes it it ultimately did no lasting harm to anyone, and being that right now there doesn't seem to be a relevant reason this happened it should be pretty well connected on the other side.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  21. #146
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    Thanks for the mini - review, Dragonfree! I'll edit the errors you pointed out, and try to better explain what I was thinking in each case. To save you having to read it again, here's what I meant to say in some of the cases:

    1) I meant for Edward's change in dealing with the panic afterwards as having been changed so severely: the shock of being attacked by Houndoom made him panic in a way most people would, I presume, but after he finds it weird that there's little long-lasting impact.

    2) I feel Edward would feel any investigation focused on him or Nuria with even the slightest possibility of him being detained would be pretty bad, all things considered.

    As for Nuria's logic for not wanting to be without her starter, I guess I kinda assumed people would think Nuria wouldn't want to be without her starter. Then again, as with all these points, I've never been very good at gauging the thoughts of other people. Thanks so much for helping this become clearer, and thanks for pointing out the grammar errors!

    EDIT: You were right on the melodrama of his initial reaction: I decided to tone it down (even though I reference it earlier in his head, the facts that he had endured worse was for some reason not at the forefront of my mind). Thanks!
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 16th December 2013 at 11:21 PM.
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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  22. #147
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    Well, here's another chapter right off the bat to compensate for the wait! I hope you all like this one: it's been building in my head for a while and I thought now was the best time to give it my all!

    Chapter 21
    Legends


    Edward locked onto the first name he saw.

    “Lavan.”

    “Nope – doesn't exist, I don't think. From what I recall, the people of Johto came up with it inadvertently after changing the legend of Heatran.”

    “So Heatran exists, then?”

    “Yes – it spends most of its time living in volcanically active areas, though Sinnoh appears to be its most regular residence.”

    “Okay.” Edward felt himself getting excited: I'm the only human alive to know this! This is so cool!

    “Now,” Edward said, trying to keep his composure professional, “how about... Ho-oh?”

    Celebi scrunched its eye-lids shut in concentration, passed the book to Edward and put its little paws over its face. Edward held the book above both of them and began scanning the index.

    “Y...eeees. I think. No, wait, yeah I'm sure. It exists, and like to live around.... um...”

    “Ecruteak City?” Edward asked, having eagerly flipped onto Ho-oh's section in the book. It's artwork at the top of the page was poorly defined but brimming with bright tones of gold, red and orange, giving Edward an indication of where its plumage lay.

    “Yes! That's it! And another one... I think you call it Lugio?”

    “Lugia,” Edward said, looking at the page opposite Ho-oh's. The two nicely juxtaposed each other: whereas the Ho-oh section was light, bright and inscribed with golden text, the Lugia section was darker, yet comfortingly so with quiet shades of grey and silver brimming the borders, the text itself in reflective silver.

    “Man, you're good. Lugia prefers life under water, so that may be pretty difficult to track. Ho-oh also like high places in general, to that at least narrows down the areas we might find it.”

    “Hey, why does Lugia live underwater when it's a psychic and flying-type?”

    Celebi snorted, removing its paws from its face and looking over up to the book.

    “Types are moot when it comes to Ancients. Technically, the concept of types is just a human classification system, and supposed weaknesses and strengths are just shared attributes. It would be more accurate to label Ancients as 'Every single type'.”

    “So, they're super weak to rock-type Pokemon?” Edward replied sarcastically, remembering the small bit of trivia from school. Celebi giggled slightly.

    “Good one. No, they're not really 'weak' to anything – even Ancients find it hard to do serious damage to one another.”

    Edwards excitement froze when he momentarily considered the implications of the strength of the killer, but this melted back into enthusiasm as he flipped the page.

    “Ooh – what about Trenta – the one who grew all the world's plants?” The page was covered with dense variations of green at the top and spider-web thin, intricate pathways of brown roots at the bottom, the text changing from brown to green to remain visible. Edward recalled the figure shown as an image he used in a school presentation when he was younger: a Pokemon looking like a great bush, a ring of roots and vines pushing out of the ground in a circle around it, waving them impressively as the great bush-creature bared a jaw of thorns and bristles, there being no eyes or other recognisable figures.

    “No,” Celebi said bluntly, its eyes scanning the page intently. “From what I remember, that one was made up when a group of villagers saw a... I can't remember its name, but it looks like a tree. It's been a while since I've seen one.”

    “Oh,” Edward said, frowning slightly. He raised his finger to point to the next page, but Celebi shook its head.

    “Sandarvarkin isn't real either. I've no clue what inspired this, except for old hikers warning people to stay on guard in deserts.”

    Edward turned the page, onto where Nuria had found Darkrai, with Cresselia on the adjacent page. Edward noted the new/full moon theme, but couldn't help agree with Nuria when she had said Darkrai looked 'iffy'. And that is without even factoring in the nightmare aspect! How could anything natural look so evil?

    “Yep! Definitely, I've known them for ages. Oddly enough most of the stories are true here: Darkrai feeds off the fear of sleeping people, and Cresselia feeds off their security.”

    “Hang on, if they're Legendaries, why do they need to feed?” Celebi shrugged.

    “Why do I like sweets? Cos they taste nice! You're right, we don't technically need to eat, but it's still a pleasure to eat and drink.”

    “So, is there a specific place they like to stay?” Edward mentally prayed Darkrai lived far, far away and Cresselia was just around the corner.

    “No,” Celebi said, sounding frustrated. “Darkrai darts around from place to place, whereas Cresselia has a few places she likes more than others. But with this killer on the loose, I suppose they could move anywhere.”

    “Wait, 'she?” Edward turned his head to Celebi. “I thought you were all genderless.”

    Celebi's paws flew to its cheeks and tried to muffle its laughter; Edward was given the impression of a young teenager giggling at something rude. It quickly composed itself, however, and explained with a wry smile.

    “Ancients are just the last of their kind, remember? Of course they have genders – most just forget them after a while. Cresselia clearly remembers being a female, and some, like Heatran, constantly forget which one it is.”

    Edward began to nod, then registered all of what the Legendary had casually just revealed.

    “Wait, what?!” Edward remarked incredulously, shifting a little away from the little Legendary to look at it fully. Celebi looked confused.

    “What? Oh, haven't I told you yet? Sorry, I thought that would have been one of the first things I would have mentioned! Yeah, Ancients – well, at least the small-scale ones – haven't been around forever. Planets form in their own course, then life, and when a world gains sufficient variety of sentient life Arceus gives power to a select few Pokemon, who have their power increased to the point of immortality. As a result they outlive their fellow species, surviving so long they eventually forget all about this.”

    Edward couldn't fully comprehend what he was hearing. This is massive! Why does it speak of this as though it's common knowledge?

    “Okay... could you explain further?” Edward said as he ran these breath-taking new facts over in him mind again.

    “How so?” Celebi asked innocently, nibbling some more at the diminished candy floss.

    “Well... why does Arceus do this? And didn't it go to sleep after making the universe, so how would it even do this?”

    “Ah, missed out another bit. You see, whereas it's Arceus who actually deals with mortal stuff, God Himself is the one who fell asleep. Remember, God created an entire universe: even in a comatose state He is able to observe and act in the universe, but in doing so has to thoroughly condense His power into a single being to effectively bear some of His consciousness.” The book jutted out of Edwards hands slightly higher into the air, the pages fluttering wildly until settling on a large, two-page exposition entitles 'Arceus'. The borders consisted of pure, white clouds, allowing only a little golden light through. In the centre, across both pages, stood Arceus looking upward, the shining sun behind it.

    “This is the vessel it uses to observe and alter the world, containing a fraction of God's true power. You call this being Arceus.

    “Regarding the need for Ancients: it's just the compartmentalisation of jobs; give each planet its own balancing system so He needn't bother look over them.”

    Celebi paused. Edward found himself out of breath. This literally disproves every religion and everything we knew about the universe. Still, Edward didn't feel as...insignificant as he expected. I know the beginning of the universe... shouldn't I feel... humbled or something?

    Steadying his breaths, he explored the feeling rising in his chest. Fear? No, not quite. Excitement? he realised, and suddenly he was grinning from ear to ear, barely able to control himself. This is so awesome! It's true – these bed-time stories are really true.

    Edward looked around, the world bathed in a new, magical light he hadn't seen since he'd left for his adventure, before learning about the killer, the Legendaries and the planet's imminent destruction. Knowing that there was something out there... a God that could help... wait a second...

    “Where's Arceus, then?” Edward asked, the feeling ebbing slightly. “If it has all this power and the ability to meddle with the lives a planet's population, where is it?”

    “The universe is a big place: trust me, I've seen it. And God made it so Arceus has to obey the laws of the universe in a more... linear fashion. Although its power greatly surpasses even mine, it cannot time-travel as I can, restricting it to regular movement. And terrible things happen all over the place, not to mention Arceus follows the philosophy of 'everything runs its course'.”

    “So... would it help?” he asked, leaning towards Celebi. The Legendary shrugged.

    “No clue. I've asked it many times regarding the killer – it never gave a straight answer.”

    “Okay,” Edward said, slightly deflated but still relatively earnest, “but how do Legendaries become Legendaries? Is it an over-night thing, or...?”

    Celebi turned to Edward, a smile playing on its lips.

    “You're really getting into this aren't you?”

    “I love Legendary Pokemon stories – people in Hoenn are brought up on quite a few, and they've always been an interest for me.” Edward briefly recalled the years before a computer screen, feeling frustrated there was no exact proof of most of the legends.

    “Hmm.” Celebi's smile began to widen. “Well, in that case, I guess I just have to show you.”

    Before Edward could respond, Celebi planted its little paw on his forehead, and suddenly the world was left far behind.

    The sky was infused with a chaotic mix of ash and cloud, lit with dark shades of orange and brown. Below, a sea shore stretched far into the distance, as far as Edward could see. The land itself sloped down from the highest visible point: a colossal, smoking volcano, impossibly tall and ludicrously thick. From here the land gradually, seamlessly, dissolved into sand, then shot steeply below the waves: a submerged cliff-face. Thin and thick rivers of lava oozed down the volcano's side, solidifying rapidly as they met the water, throwing a dense cloud of steam into the air. But weirder than this landscape were the creatures inhabiting it.

    Their skin less violently red, their size vastly inferior, their features less sharp, Edward at first couldn't recognise the creatures scurrying about the land. A sense of recognition rang in his head, but it wasn't until he saw one, lying in a lava stream, did he realise for certain.

    Groudons. Hundreds of them. Confusion quickly turned into ecstasy as he looked down upon the civilisation of the Legendaries. Looking closer, he saw smaller creatures, not dissimilar to their giant counterparts, densely surrounding the occasional Groudon. Although their features were far smoother and they scuttled about on four legs, there was no denying the link between them. No way...

    “So, are they-”

    “Yes,” Celebi intoned, obviously out to impress, “they are the stage of minor evolution before the Groudon stage.”

    “Minor?” Edward asked off-handedly, too busy marvelling over the sight to focus on the answer.

    “As in the quick-form of what humans call evolution, as opposed to the major, much longer form. And, if you like that, try focusing on the water...”

    Edward made to turn, but realised with a start he had no body to turn with. In fact, he realised how his entire field of vision stretched completely around him, yet not disorientating him. Celebi, whom Edward noticed was also not there, appeared to latch onto his surprise.

    “Oh yeah, I constructed a consciousness-sphere to take us back – it's be much simpler than constructing a time gate to constantly transport your respiratory requirements.”

    Edward subconsciously attempted to inhale, finding it completely impossible. Now it was starting to get disorientating.

    “Just focus on the water and I promise, you'll forget about it,” Celebi's voice promised excitedly. Shifting his attention to the tumultuous ocean, Edward saw what it had meant.

    Although he had never seen a real one to compare it with, Edward could appreciate merely by artist interpretations how these Kyogres differed from the one in his time. Their fins were smaller proportional to their bodies, which were thinner and less hydrodynamic, and the ribbons he had seen in many a book upon the end of end of Kyogre's tail were merely thick lumps of flesh. They too were surrounded by smaller creatures, but, with great surprise, Edward found himself recognising these all too well. They were bigger than he'd seen at the aquariums, and their fins were far less elegant, but Edward knew for a fact they had to be Finneon.

    “How?” was all the dumbfounded Edward could say. Sure, he'd noted, along a few in his classmates, the similarities between the depiction of Kyogre and Finneon, but he'd never actually thought...

    Celebi's voice seemed delighted.

    “I knew you'd love that! Over time, the species you see here today evolved – major, long-term evolution, mind you – to your current Finneon and Lumineon: a simple by-product of natural selection.”

    Edward couldn't believe it. How could an entire species of Legendaries.... well, Legendary templates, not thrive?

    “You'll see,” Celebi said mischievously, and the world around Edward was rammed into high gear. The clouds, the sea, the forests of the land – they all shifted rapidly, rising and receding, encroaching and retreating. The creatures went faster as well, but Edward somehow found himself able to latch onto patterns in their movement, something Edward immediately suspected Celebi to be behind.

    As the Groudon and their young would die, other Groudon would drag them into the ocean, where the Kyogre and their young would feast on the remains. Similarly, Edward noticed when the occasional Kyogre and Finneon would die and rise to the surface, the waves pushing them to the sea shore, where the Groudon civilisation would prey upon them. A symbiotic relationship, Edward realised, recalling the phrase from his lessons in forest life.

    He also noticed that, despite the lava solidifying on the ocean, the land mass never increased: as rock built up, various Kyogre would come along to erode the wall, keeping the underwater cliff-face completely smooth. But why would they... of course: to keep the colonies close enough to co-exist! Otherwise the land would expand so much the Kyogre would be too far away! Celebi grunted in appreciation, confirming Edward to be right. Edward knew that if he could still feel his body, he'd be grinning wildly.

    He could also make out longer overall changes: how the sky appeared to clear, the sky becoming blue-er and the clouds turning whiter. And how gradually, almost imperceptibly, the number of Groudon and Kyogre seemed to decline.

    Looking closely, he noticed that, in the case of the Groudon, they merely began dying quicker and in greater frequency. The Kyogre were dying off quicker as well, but where a Kyogre died a smaller one would take its place, then a smaller, then a smaller. Whereas the Groudon were merely dying, The Kyogre were... evolving.

    And, at the point where the sky was a perfect shade of blue, the heavens split in two.

    Above the land the sun's intensity slowly increased, baking the land beneath and causing the local plant-life to shrivel and die.. Above the water, increasingly thick and dark clouds began to form, the rain becoming more frequent until there was only permanent deluge. Edward remembered the type and intensity of the rain well, it having caused global destruction only recently in his time-line.

    Then Edward noticed a constant – a single Kyogre and Groudon in their respective zones, growing, living, surviving longer than the rest of its species. And suddenly, as the last of the imperfect Groudons died off and the newly-formed Lumineons had left for better waters, there were only two.

    With no fellows to keep them rooted, Groudon and Kyogre moved apart: Groudon across the vast land regions of the super-continent upon which it lived, Kyogre through in impossibly deep and cavernous oceans. Somehow Edward found he was able to focus on both, despite their great distance from one another, but he was to captivated by what he was watching to bring attention to this.

    It became apparent over time that the newly-formed Legendaries discovered their powers over their respective elements: bit by bit Kyogre found it could swallow up the land to expand its territory to its will, whereas Groudon could lift region-sized land masses from the ocean floor. In each instance Edward saw how life immediately sunk into the new areas – alien looking Pokemon who he knew to be ancestors to his familiar modern-day ones colonising their new living spaces as they moved throughout the world.

    With the inevitable momentum of a train, over what could have been centuries, the two Legendaries inched closer and closer to one another.

    Time returned to its normal pace, the waves lapping slowly over sun-dried earth, the rain a deafening furor above the ocean but only the sound of wind blowing through the dying, heat-exhausted plant life on the land.

    Each of the Legends looked confused, the sight of the other weather condition stumping it. Edward noticed how there was no sense of familiarity between the two: any instinct of symbiosis with the other creature had obviously evaporated long ago.

    Curiously, Groudon lifted a small area of land for it to walk across into the deluge, which was immediately swamped by a tidal wave. The red titan snapped its gaze to its blue counterpart, recognising it as its defier. The world stood still for the shortest of moments, then all hell broke loose.

    Suddenly he was back on the forest floor, gasping for breath as his body began to sweat with the pure adrenaline rush. That was so awesome! was all he could think for a while.

    “Take me back! I need to see the rest!” Edward half-shouted a minute later at the Legendary looking at him contentedly. Reluctantly, Celebi shook its head.

    “Sorry, but your mind's a delicate thing. Looking for too long at what happened... I've got to say, it's one of my favourite moments in Earth's history, but the power each of them gave off nearly destroyed the thing. The mere radiation they gave off could fry your brain, and not even I could prevent the shock to your system.”

    Edward expected to feel frustrated, but could only lean back and reminisce, not wanting to forget a single detail. He closed his eyes, replaying the events in his mind over and over, finding himself laughing with awe at some of the more impressive feats or interesting details. They were gods! Edward thought appreciatively.

    And, muttered the darkest crevice of his mind, you have to beat the thing which killed them.

  23. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Well, it's been several months, and I don't feel I want to disturb Dragonfree or The Great Butler after all this time, so I tried (and most probably failed hilariously) at proof-reading myself several times. It's been a while since my last burst of creativity, so hopefully there aren't too many problems.
    I owe you an apology for taking so long to get to this review. I'm sorry.

    Chapter 20
    Intervention


    Edward watched as Nincada and Kirlia walked ahead of them, talking quietly amongst themselves. What would they have to talk about? Edward thought, wondering when the last time they'd ever met was. During our battle? No, they didn't fight then... So, that night, then?

    Losing interest in the thought, Edward looked at Nuria, who in turn was observing Nincada with a suspicious gaze.

    “So, they seem to be getting along,” said Edward, indicating to the Pokemon before him.
    It's interesting that you're giving the Pokemon such personality and interaction with each other. Not a lot of fics do that. I like Edward's thoughts about their interaction as well.

    “Yeah,” muttered Nuria absent-mindedly. After a few seconds, she said, “What's wrong with Nincada's wing?”

    Edward couldn't see anything wrong at first, and it was only after a few seconds he noticed how one was bent slightly more than the other.

    “Is that a stone lodged under it?” Edward asked Nuria.

    “Perhaps,” she mumbled, now sounding disinterested.
    Huh, I'm kind of surprised they're not paying such a thing more mind.

    Unsure of what to say, Edward looked around. They'd strayed further into the trees: he could no longer make out the path of battling trainers, with only far-off, indistinguishable cries indicating there was even anything there at all.

    Now fairly bored, Edward began sliding his rucksack off, careful as not to place much too strain on his chest. As he reached in to take out the book on Legendaries, he hooked his foot on a root; suddenly Nuria's hand was on his chest, preventing his fall. Despite the sharp pain coursing across his chest, he quickly yelped 'Thanks!'.

    “No problem,” Nuria said, taking his bag and sliding it onto her own shoulder along with her own. Edward smiled thankfully at her and began walking, flipping his book open to the glossary as he did.
    I like how they have each others' backs like this.

    “So, how do we even know all these Legendaries even exist?” Edward wondered out loud as he scanned the first page of names. Cartath, Heatran, Methilace, Lavan, Jirachi... throughout his life he'd heard of all of them, but where was the separator between truth and legend?
    Nice touch mixing in some fictitious Pokemon. It helps make the whole mystery surrounding the Legendaries work more.

    “I dunno,” Nuria drawled sarcastically, some playfulness returning to her voice, “if only we had a legendary of our own to consult....oh wait.”

    Edward smirked and looked behind him. No Celebi, not even a shimmer.

    “So,” he said slightly louder, “can we get some help figuring this out?”

    No response.


    “Celebi?” he called, turning his head.

    Nothing.

    “Good riddance,” Nuria remarked taking the book from Edward and reading through it herself.
    Figures Celebi would disappear when they need it most.

    “Where do you think it's gone?” Edward asked.

    “1366? Space-Slateport? How am I supposed to know? It'll probably return when it decides to annoy us some more.”
    I laughed at that one.

    “Well, alright then... and I suppose it would have brought it up if we mentioned a false Legendary at the library, right?,” Edward said uneasily, turning his attention back to the book in Nuria's hand. And if it forgets? I wouldn't put it past getting it having so much fun Arceus-knows-where that it completely forgets us.

    “I dunno, Eddy, it seemed too distracted by the wonders of being human, don't you think?'
    I would like to see more on the topic of how Pokemon would feel about being human, it's a curious subject.

    Edward grunted lazily in reply, frustrated he hadn't thought to ask the question earlier. It's a Legendary Pokemon for crying out loud, I shouldn't need to point out these little things!

    After a few more minutes of walking and reading, something occurred to Edward.

    “Hang on, you dodged that conversation earlier about Bayleef. What's with you and her?”

    Nuria's silence hung in the air for a short while, her grip tightening on the book.

    “It's nothing really. We just came to an agreement is all.”

    Edward arched his eyebrows.

    “Oookay. Care to elaborate, or...?” Nuria shifted uneasily, closing the book but keeping it in her hands.

    “Back at Dewford – or at least what was left – I needed her to battle you so... well, you know, but she didn't want anything to do with that. I asked her if she wanted me to release her after-”

    “Whoa! Seriously?” Edward couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nuria would have thrown away her starter Pokemon to prove a point to him?
    At first I wasn't sure if I thought Edward's impression was right, but then I thought about it and I realized Nuria probably would go to great lengths to prove a point to him.

    “Shut-up,” she grumbled, “and let me finish. She was a bit peeved I was so willing to suggest that, but to be honest at the time I was angry with her and fairly wet and cold so I didn't really care. She told me that, despite hating me and all other humans, she still wanted to mature and grow stronger, and she reckoned that would only be possible if I took her around with me.

    “But there was a catch. She said that, if I ever wanted to use her in a battle, right, I won't be able to issue commands, and have to let her decide how she battles.”

    Nuria paused for a few seconds, as though consolidating all she just said.
    There's no need for a hyphen in "shut up."

    I'm glad Nuria is recapping this information, since it's been so long since I read the previous chapters.

    “So?” Edward asked carefully. “It could have gone much worse.” Edward noticed her knuckles turn white as she now practically strangled the book.

    'So?'? So I'll look like an idiot trainer who can't even control her starter. And you know how stupid Pokemon can be during battle: moves take up so much of their concentration they get confused if they use much more than four in a battle, so strategy isn't their strong point. And besides, would you trust the Pokemon who'd previously tried to skin an Archen?”
    I can really feel Nuria's point of view here.

    Edward couldn't find anything to say, but still he couldn't see what the big issue was. If Bayleef wanted a bit of freedom, so what? And if it got... rowdy again then wouldn't Nuria just be able to recall it? What's the big fuss about?

    Feeling uncomfortable, Edward just looked ahead, noting that Kirlia was now almost marching ahead, viscously kicking small pebbles out of her way, to Nincada's obvious confusion.
    "viciously", not viscously.

    Out of nowhere, a Houndoom clenched its teeth around Kirlia's body.
    This isn't a bad twist, however, it comes too much out of nowhere and it needs a lot more description around it to be effective.

    For a few seconds, absolutely nothing happened. Edward stopped, Nuria stopped, Nincada stopped, and even the Houndoom paused for a second. Kirlia's face was frozen in an image of confusion, trying to move the arms clamped to her sides.
    I think you should try to cut down on the amount of "stopped" and its synonyms, but then again, this sentence really isn't bad. It does get the point across.

    Nincada was the first to react, jumping at the demon dog claws-first. Then Edward and Nuria were throwing their hands into their pockets, dragging out as many Pokeballs as possible and throwing them between themselves and the creature.

    As four Pokemon materialised, the Houndoom snorted a thin shot of fire at Nincada, knocking it back to the ground.
    This is a bit better. The imagery is clear, and I can see this scene with all of its intensity. Well done.

    “Dig!” Edward screeched, aware Nuria was also shouting but couldn't hear what. He shouted hurried orders and Mudkip and Zubat, and despite the orders being gibberish, the message was clear: help Kirlia.

    Now Kirlia was screaming and thrashing, rivers of blood streaking from the area beneath Houndoom's maw. Edward could sense her panic like a homing beacon: the fangs were buried in her arms, literally pinning them to her body.
    Now this is quite a vivid visual, befitting of the scene. I think you could probably change that colon to a semicolon, though.

    As Nincada disappeared below ground, Mudkip launched a jet of water at the dog, pushing it back slightly but obviously not doing much damage. Nincada flew in close to try a Wing Attack, but Shellder's Water Gun hit it in the back, propelling him into the Houndoom. Houndoom replied with a torrent of fire from its half-closed mouth, burning around Kirlia's body toward Zubat and Mudkip. Kirlia's scream intensified, but Houndoom brutally shook its head and Kirlia fell limp, its body bending over the sides of the jaws.

    Beside him, Nuria fell to the ground.

    Edward crouched down to her, ignoring the pain in his ribs, and saw how white her face had become. Her eyes, although closed,were red and puffy, and her lips were bleeding, from what appeared to be... teeth marks?Then he realised: just a second before, Nuria had been screaming alongside her Kirlia. In his shock, Edward couldn't even contemplate any meaning to this. He was now transfixed on the Houndoom as it let Kirlia fall, broken, to the ground and let out a loud howl.
    Wow, this is really intense, well done. I can feel and see everything that's going on. Excellent touch with Nuria experiencing the same pain that Kirlia is, too.

    Houndoom. Everywhere.

    From all directions, at least ten of them bounded from the bushes and brambles into open view, each closing in on a separate target. Edward was pushed to the ground as something leapt into his back.

    And now he was on the floor, his body oddly limp, the only indication of panic being his elated heartbeat. He heard the other Pokemon shriek in surprise and agony, but before he could look up, the hair on the back of his neck stood as he heard the deep, threatening growl inches from his skull. He couldn't think. He scrambled his arms to try and move, but the Houndoom pinned his arms to the ground. Choking back a dry sob, Edward felt every muscle in his body tense up and he waited for the inevitable.
    "Ground" is a better word to use than "floor" considering they're outdoors. Considering the later paragraph describes Houndoom as leaping off of his back, you should say "leapt onto," not leapt into.

    And waited.

    And waited.

    And waited.

    His heartbeat was now a constant hum, and that was all he could focus on. He didn't even feel the popping of his ears as the air pressure suddenly increased. Or the release of pressure as Houndoom leapt off of him. He didn't notice any of this, and only after curling up into a ball and rocking himself for half a minute did he realise that he was safe.
    That was intense. My heart was pounding right up to the end of it.

    Surprised, he roughly wiped his bleary eyes with his sleeves and looked up. Bayleef, Zubat, Shellder, Mudkip, Zubat, Kirlia, even Nincada: all the Pokemon were on the floor, motionless save for the irregular spasms indicating painful breaths, covered in bloody gashes and charred skin.

    How could this have happened? he wondered. Steadily he rose and immediately noticed Nuria had been lying behind him, with Celebi several feet above, looking intently into her face. She looked calmer now, her flesh returned to its original colour and her lips healed as though no blood had been shed there. In the instant upon seeing her, he also saw how her hand was stuck in her rucksack at an awkward angle, as though she had tried to pull something out.
    I'm assuming Celebi drove off the Houndoom, but I'd like you to explain a bit further, because Houndoom are partially Dark-type and thus immune to Psychic-type moves.

    “What-” Edward began, but the Legendary raised its arm, cutting him off. He quickly felt up and down his body: despite the ribs, he couldn't feel much damage. He realised with a start that he didn't even feel particularly bad – now the shock was wearing away, there was a strange calm in him.

    Well, this can't really compare to nearly drowning and meeting a shed-load of Legendaries in less than a week.

    Even through this rationale, Edward seemed surprised with his own steadiness as he recalled each of his Pokemon. I could have actually died, he thought, but even then there was no particular stab of panic. Am I in shock? Or just getting used to this?.
    Why is "died" outside of the italics tags? If anything, I'd think it should be within them.

    All his Pokemon now in their Pokeballs, he knelt to Nuria's abandoned Pokeballs and began to recall hers. As he picked up Kirlia's, however, Celebi swooped in front of him, pushing the ball out of his grip onto the ground.

    “What-” Edward began again, but now Celebi used words to cut over him as it looked curiously between Nuria and Kirlia.

    “Kirlia imprinted a psychic link with Nuria some time ago, probably unintentionally. In times of severe emotional output they'll both experience the same thing.”

    Edward couldn't decide whether he felt more perturbed because of what he was hearing or how serious Celebi seemed to be acting. Then he realised.

    “So, when Houndoom bit Kirlia-”

    “Nuria experienced the pain too, yes. A human's pain threshold is vastly inferior to most Pokemon, and this attack nearly killed Kirlia. I've removed her memory of this to prevent severe shock symptoms.”
    Hmm. Celebi simply erasing Nuria's memories feels a bit convenient, so I hope you intend to explore the whole idea of lost memories a bit more in the future.

    “And Kirlia?” Edward asked, his throat dry.

    “Her body had shut down, but her mind remained active. I healed her most major wounds but she asked me not to take her memory. As a Pokemon she will be able to deal with the shock, but I'll keep my eye on her. Any more questions?”

    Edward took a few deep breaths. Everything would be okay. Nuria and Kirlia were safe, as were he and the rest of the Pokemon. Something didn't make sense, however.

    “Pokedexes are meant to scan the area for hostile Pokemon. What happened to that?”

    Celebi replied without skipping a beat:

    “Kirlia had been sensing the area using her psychic energy to scan all living life-forms. This psychic field distorts the space around her, thus distorting the electromagnetic field around each Pokedex which detects the hormones of aggressive Pokemon. As the Houndoom are genetically immune to psychic wavelengths, Kirlia could not sense them, so the Houndoom were a shock to everyone, most of all Kirlia.”
    Ah, you did remember that Houndoom are immune to Psychic-type moves. How did Celebi drive them off exactly, then?

    Edward closed his eyes, trying to make sense of it all.

    “And where were you?”

    From behind its back Celebi produced a small pink puff-ball.

    “Candy floss?”
    Oh God, Celebi, never change.

    Edward groaned, kneading his head as he sank to a crossed-leg position.

    “How is she now? Physically?”

    “She's okay, but when she wakes up she'll be dazed and will want to know what happened.”

    Edward considered the possibilities. Taking her to a Pokemon Centre or hospital would be suspicious, and there's definitely be an investigation. They might want to keep her longer for treatment... and if the Pokemon mention what's happening? Edward quickly scanned his memory, then bit his lip in frustration. How did I forget to tell Nincada not to tell anyone what was going on? What if he mentions Regice to a nurse? If we stay here though, they'd come back and-
    I give you credit for having Edward think through his actions. A lot of times characters in such situations will just make rash decisions.

    “No, they won't. As long as they feel my presence, they won't come near us.”
    Is that why they left?

    Edward sighed, looking around for any place where they could shelter for a while.

    Suddenly he was sitting in a small, cosy plain. The light was dim, the little light getting through the canopy having little to illuminate but the moss-strewn floor.

    “We're not too far from where we were, don't worry,” Celebi muttered, still examining the space between Nuria and Ralts, each of whom had also appeared in the area. After a few seconds, the Legendary looked at Edward.
    Did Celebi teleport them?

    “Okay, recall Kirlia now.” As Edward raised Kirlia's Pokeball, Edward could have sworn he saw Kirlia begin to try and stand.

    “So,” Celebi said, its previous enthusiasm returning, “what do you want to do now?”

    Edward lay back on the moss, wondering what he was even supposed to be thinking at a time like this. I could have died. But I didn't. But Nuria got hurt. But now she's okay. He tucked his hands under his head. There's something wrong with me, he decided finally.
    I wonder what that something might be.

    Edward turned to his side, and as he did he rolled onto the book of Legendaries. Picking it up and flicking it open, he held it up for Celebi to see.

    “You mind going through this with me and telling me who's real and who isn't?”

    Celebi bit its lip, as though considering all the other fun stuff it could go and have throughout the entirety of the past.

    “Okay,” it said reluctantly, and hovered over to lie on the moss next to Edward. Looking over to Nuria again, he passed the book to Celebi (who had the mass of candy floss held between its front teeth) and crawled the short distance over to her.

    What were you trying to get? Edward wondered, gently sliding the bag off her arm. With only a few of the contents spilling out, the bag came off relatively easily.

    Edward's heart leapt momentarily as he realised the gun in Nuria's hand was now facing him square in the chest.
    Well that was quite startling. It doesn't surprise me that Nuria would have been going for the gun, though. She's the type who would shoot her way out if she had no other choice.

    In a flash he rolled out of the way, and, after catching his breath slightly and rubbing his protesting ribs, gently uncurled Nuria's fingers from around the weapon, letting it fall. Arms shaking, he awkwardly picked it up, making sure his fingers were completely clear of the trigger.

    Seeing it clearly in the light for the first time, Edward pondered over where she could have got it. A shop? No, probably not. Her Mum? Well... could she have been the sort? Edward bit his lip as he thought of Nuria's affectionate, kindly Mum, and wondered exactly how far she might have gone in the name of self defence.
    I think I'd guess the "Nuria's mom" explanation, myself.

    Gingerly replacing the weapon, face down, in her rucksack, Edward exhaled and crawled back over to Celebi, leaving the bag halfway between them.

    “So, found any fakes?” Edward asked as he rolled onto his back next to the deity. Celebi nodded and smiled, flipping back to the glossary page.

    “Yep, though I'm not sure about some.”

    “Not sure?” Edward asked, intending for there to be incredulity in his voice, but instead was just monotonous.

    “Poor memory. Most I know for certain do exist, so why don't we just go through them?”

    “Sure,” Edward said, his interest starting to build slightly. Despite knowing he'd have to battle whatever really existed in this book, he could never pass up on learning more about the Legendary Pokemon he'd loved to research as he grew up.

    “So,” Celebi said, nestling into the moss to make itself comfortable, carefully balancing the ball of candy floss on its little belly, “where do you want to start?”


    Nice ending.

    Overall, a good chapter. My main criticism is that the description is a little lacking, leading to parts that either come out of nowhere (the arrival of the first Houndoom) or feel a bit confusing (the teleportation part.) That's easy to fix, however.

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  24. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Well, here's another chapter right off the bat to compensate for the wait! I hope you all like this one: it's been building in my head for a while and I thought now was the best time to give it my all!

    Chapter 21
    Legends


    Edward locked onto the first name he saw.

    “Lavan.”

    “Nope – doesn't exist, I don't think. From what I recall, the people of Johto came up with it inadvertently after changing the legend of Heatran.”
    Oh, that's clever. I like it.

    “So Heatran exists, then?”

    “Yes – it spends most of its time living in volcanically active areas, though Sinnoh appears to be its most regular residence.”
    Nice way to incorporate Heatran's appearance in Unova.

    “Okay.” Edward felt himself getting excited: I'm the only human alive to know this! This is so cool!
    Is he really the only living person to know that? I find it a little hard to believe.

    “Now,” Edward said, trying to keep his composure professional, “how about... Ho-oh?”

    Celebi scrunched its eye-lids shut in concentration, passed the book to Edward and put its little paws over its face. Edward held the book above both of them and began scanning the index.

    “Y...eeees. I think. No, wait, yeah I'm sure. It exists, and like to live around.... um...”
    I think Celebi is messing with Edward here. Considering that Ho-oh is a Johto legend, I would think that he would know about it.

    “Ecruteak City?” Edward asked, having eagerly flipped onto Ho-oh's section in the book. It's artwork at the top of the page was poorly defined but brimming with bright tones of gold, red and orange, giving Edward an indication of where its plumage lay.

    “Yes! That's it! And another one... I think you call it Lugio?”

    “Lugia,” Edward said, looking at the page opposite Ho-oh's. The two nicely juxtaposed each other: whereas the Ho-oh section was light, bright and inscribed with golden text, the Lugia section was darker, yet comfortingly so with quiet shades of grey and silver brimming the borders, the text itself in reflective silver.
    I really believe Celebi is messing with him. I think there is something Celebi is withholding from him.

    “Man, you're good. Lugia prefers life under water, so that may be pretty difficult to track. Ho-oh also like high places in general, to that at least narrows down the areas we might find it.”

    “Hey, why does Lugia live underwater when it's a psychic and flying-type?”

    Celebi snorted, removing its paws from its face and looking over up to the book.

    “Types are moot when it comes to Ancients. Technically, the concept of types is just a human classification system, and supposed weaknesses and strengths are just shared attributes. It would be more accurate to label Ancients as 'Every single type'.”
    That's clever, I like it.

    “So, they're super weak to rock-type Pokemon?” Edward replied sarcastically, remembering the small bit of trivia from school. Celebi giggled slightly.
    Aha, nice Celebi.

    “Good one. No, they're not really 'weak' to anything – even Ancients find it hard to do serious damage to one another.”
    That makes sense.

    Edwards excitement froze when he momentarily considered the implications of the strength of the killer, but this melted back into enthusiasm as he flipped the page.
    Missing an apostrophe in "Edward's."

    “Ooh – what about Trenta – the one who grew all the world's plants?” The page was covered with dense variations of green at the top and spider-web thin, intricate pathways of brown roots at the bottom, the text changing from brown to green to remain visible. Edward recalled the figure shown as an image he used in a school presentation when he was younger: a Pokemon looking like a great bush, a ring of roots and vines pushing out of the ground in a circle around it, waving them impressively as the great bush-creature bared a jaw of thorns and bristles, there being no eyes or other recognisable figures.

    “No,” Celebi said bluntly, its eyes scanning the page intently. “From what I remember, that one was made up when a group of villagers saw a... I can't remember its name, but it looks like a tree. It's been a while since I've seen one.”
    Trevenant?

    I like how creative you're being with these false myth Pokemon. Taking existing Pokemon with distinctive looks and modifying them into mythological figures is very in line with how a myth can get started in real life.

    “Oh,” Edward said, frowning slightly. He raised his finger to point to the next page, but Celebi shook its head.

    “Sandarvarkin isn't real either. I've no clue what inspired this, except for old hikers warning people to stay on guard in deserts.”

    Edward turned the page, onto where Nuria had found Darkrai, with Cresselia on the adjacent page. Edward noted the new/full moon theme, but couldn't help agree with Nuria when she had said Darkrai looked 'iffy'. And that is without even factoring in the nightmare aspect! How could anything natural look so evil?

    “Yep! Definitely, I've known them for ages. Oddly enough most of the stories are true here: Darkrai feeds off the fear of sleeping people, and Cresselia feeds off their security.”
    Edward and Nuria's thoughts on Darkrai are believable. I can see people having doubts about Darkrai's validity based on its appearance.

    “Hang on, if they're Legendaries, why do they need to feed?” Celebi shrugged.

    “Why do I like sweets? Cos they taste nice! You're right, we don't technically need to eat, but it's still a pleasure to eat and drink.”
    I kind of thought Celebi was flaking out on Edward again, but he actually did answer the question, which was a pleasant surprise.

    “So, is there a specific place they like to stay?” Edward mentally prayed Darkrai lived far, far away and Cresselia was just around the corner.

    “No,” Celebi said, sounding frustrated. “Darkrai darts around from place to place, whereas Cresselia has a few places she likes more than others. But with this killer on the loose, I suppose they could move anywhere.”
    Wouldn't it be the opposite? Darkrai is only found in one place so far in the games (Newmoon Island) while Cresselia is a roaming Pokemon that starts on Fullmoon Island in Sinnoh, then also appears in Unova.

    “Wait, 'she?” Edward turned his head to Celebi. “I thought you were all genderless.”

    Celebi's paws flew to its cheeks and tried to muffle its laughter; Edward was given the impression of a young teenager giggling at something rude. It quickly composed itself, however, and explained with a wry smile.

    “Ancients are just the last of their kind, remember? Of course they have genders – most just forget them after a while. Cresselia clearly remembers being a female, and some, like Heatran, constantly forget which one it is.”
    I suppose that's as good an explanation as any as to why some Legendaries have genders and others don't.

    Edward began to nod, then registered all of what the Legendary had casually just revealed.

    “Wait, what?!” Edward remarked incredulously, shifting a little away from the little Legendary to look at it fully. Celebi looked confused.

    “What? Oh, haven't I told you yet? Sorry, I thought that would have been one of the first things I would have mentioned! Yeah, Ancients – well, at least the small-scale ones – haven't been around forever. Planets form in their own course, then life, and when a world gains sufficient variety of sentient life Arceus gives power to a select few Pokemon, who have their power increased to the point of immortality. As a result they outlive their fellow species, surviving so long they eventually forget all about this.”

    Edward couldn't fully comprehend what he was hearing. This is massive! Why does it speak of this as though it's common knowledge?
    Because to Celebi, it is common knowledge, I'd say.

    “Okay... could you explain further?” Edward said as he ran these breath-taking new facts over in him mind again.

    “How so?” Celebi asked innocently, nibbling some more at the diminished candy floss.

    “Well... why does Arceus do this? And didn't it go to sleep after making the universe, so how would it even do this?”

    “Ah, missed out another bit. You see, whereas it's Arceus who actually deals with mortal stuff, God Himself is the one who fell asleep. Remember, God created an entire universe: even in a comatose state He is able to observe and act in the universe, but in doing so has to thoroughly condense His power into a single being to effectively bear some of His consciousness.” The book jutted out of Edwards hands slightly higher into the air, the pages fluttering wildly until settling on a large, two-page exposition entitles 'Arceus'. The borders consisted of pure, white clouds, allowing only a little golden light through. In the centre, across both pages, stood Arceus looking upward, the shining sun behind it.
    "Entitled," not "entitles."

    And this is a great explanation for why Arceus is not necessarily the highest being in the universe that still keeps its story from the games intact.

    “This is the vessel it uses to observe and alter the world, containing a fraction of God's true power. You call this being Arceus.

    “Regarding the need for Ancients: it's just the compartmentalisation of jobs; give each planet its own balancing system so He needn't bother look over them.”

    Celebi paused. Edward found himself out of breath. This literally disproves every religion and everything we knew about the universe. Still, Edward didn't feel as...insignificant as he expected. I know the beginning of the universe... shouldn't I feel... humbled or something?

    Steadying his breaths, he explored the feeling rising in his chest. Fear? No, not quite. Excitement? he realised, and suddenly he was grinning from ear to ear, barely able to control himself. This is so awesome! It's true – these bed-time stories are really true.
    I'm not sure, but doesn't the fact that there are bedtime stories about what Celebi told him contradict his earlier claim that "every religion and everything we knew about the universe" is disproven? I think I would change that line to say "this disproves every scientific theory about the universe! Those bedtime stories are really true!"

    Edward looked around, the world bathed in a new, magical light he hadn't seen since he'd left for his adventure, before learning about the killer, the Legendaries and the planet's imminent destruction. Knowing that there was something out there... a God that could help... wait a second...

    “Where's Arceus, then?” Edward asked, the feeling ebbing slightly. “If it has all this power and the ability to meddle with the lives a planet's population, where is it?”

    “The universe is a big place: trust me, I've seen it. And God made it so Arceus has to obey the laws of the universe in a more... linear fashion. Although its power greatly surpasses even mine, it cannot time-travel as I can, restricting it to regular movement. And terrible things happen all over the place, not to mention Arceus follows the philosophy of 'everything runs its course'.”

    “So... would it help?” he asked, leaning towards Celebi. The Legendary shrugged.

    “No clue. I've asked it many times regarding the killer – it never gave a straight answer.”
    I wonder if it knows even though it's not helping. I kind of expect Arceus to have a role later on. Who knows, maybe Arceus even is the killer... I could see it happening.

    “Okay,” Edward said, slightly deflated but still relatively earnest, “but how do Legendaries become Legendaries? Is it an over-night thing, or...?”

    Celebi turned to Edward, a smile playing on its lips.

    “You're really getting into this aren't you?”

    “I love Legendary Pokemon stories – people in Hoenn are brought up on quite a few, and they've always been an interest for me.” Edward briefly recalled the years before a computer screen, feeling frustrated there was no exact proof of most of the legends.
    This could make for an interesting piece of Edward's backstory to continue pursuing, his interest in Legendaries and their myths.

    “Hmm.” Celebi's smile began to widen. “Well, in that case, I guess I just have to show you.”

    Before Edward could respond, Celebi planted its little paw on his forehead, and suddenly the world was left far behind.

    The sky was infused with a chaotic mix of ash and cloud, lit with dark shades of orange and brown. Below, a sea shore stretched far into the distance, as far as Edward could see. The land itself sloped down from the highest visible point: a colossal, smoking volcano, impossibly tall and ludicrously thick. From here the land gradually, seamlessly, dissolved into sand, then shot steeply below the waves: a submerged cliff-face. Thin and thick rivers of lava oozed down the volcano's side, solidifying rapidly as they met the water, throwing a dense cloud of steam into the air. But weirder than this landscape were the creatures inhabiting it.
    Great description, but you could probably cut "thin and thick" for the sake of being more streamlined.

    Their skin less violently red, their size vastly inferior, their features less sharp, Edward at first couldn't recognise the creatures scurrying about the land. A sense of recognition rang in his head, but it wasn't until he saw one, lying in a lava stream, did he realise for certain.

    Groudons. Hundreds of them. Confusion quickly turned into ecstasy as he looked down upon the civilisation of the Legendaries. Looking closer, he saw smaller creatures, not dissimilar to their giant counterparts, densely surrounding the occasional Groudon. Although their features were far smoother and they scuttled about on four legs, there was no denying the link between them. No way...

    “So, are they-”

    “Yes,” Celebi intoned, obviously out to impress, “they are the stage of minor evolution before the Groudon stage.”
    Oh wow, I love this. Very vivid and imaginative.

    “Minor?” Edward asked off-handedly, too busy marvelling over the sight to focus on the answer.

    “As in the quick-form of what humans call evolution, as opposed to the major, much longer form. And, if you like that, try focusing on the water...”

    Edward made to turn, but realised with a start he had no body to turn with. In fact, he realised how his entire field of vision stretched completely around him, yet not disorientating him. Celebi, whom Edward noticed was also not there, appeared to latch onto his surprise.

    “Oh yeah, I constructed a consciousness-sphere to take us back – it's be much simpler than constructing a time gate to constantly transport your respiratory requirements.”

    Edward subconsciously attempted to inhale, finding it completely impossible. Now it was starting to get disorientating.
    I can't blame him, it sounds disorienting.

    “Just focus on the water and I promise, you'll forget about it,” Celebi's voice promised excitedly. Shifting his attention to the tumultuous ocean, Edward saw what it had meant.

    Although he had never seen a real one to compare it with, Edward could appreciate merely by artist interpretations how these Kyogres differed from the one in his time. Their fins were smaller proportional to their bodies, which were thinner and less hydrodynamic, and the ribbons he had seen in many a book upon the end of end of Kyogre's tail were merely thick lumps of flesh. They too were surrounded by smaller creatures, but, with great surprise, Edward found himself recognising these all too well. They were bigger than he'd seen at the aquariums, and their fins were far less elegant, but Edward knew for a fact they had to be Finneon.

    “How?” was all the dumbfounded Edward could say. Sure, he'd noted, along a few in his classmates, the similarities between the depiction of Kyogre and Finneon, but he'd never actually thought...

    Celebi's voice seemed delighted.

    “I knew you'd love that! Over time, the species you see here today evolved – major, long-term evolution, mind you – to your current Finneon and Lumineon: a simple by-product of natural selection.”
    Huh, interesting that you'd bring in natural selection and evolution. I like it, and it's a good theory.

    Edward couldn't believe it. How could an entire species of Legendaries.... well, Legendary templates, not thrive?

    “You'll see,” Celebi said mischievously, and the world around Edward was rammed into high gear. The clouds, the sea, the forests of the land – they all shifted rapidly, rising and receding, encroaching and retreating. The creatures went faster as well, but Edward somehow found himself able to latch onto patterns in their movement, something Edward immediately suspected Celebi to be behind.

    As the Groudon and their young would die, other Groudon would drag them into the ocean, where the Kyogre and their young would feast on the remains. Similarly, Edward noticed when the occasional Kyogre and Finneon would die and rise to the surface, the waves pushing them to the sea shore, where the Groudon civilisation would prey upon them. A symbiotic relationship, Edward realised, recalling the phrase from his lessons in forest life.
    That is very, very clever. I never would have imagined such a symbiotic relationship between them.

    He also noticed that, despite the lava solidifying on the ocean, the land mass never increased: as rock built up, various Kyogre would come along to erode the wall, keeping the underwater cliff-face completely smooth. But why would they... of course: to keep the colonies close enough to co-exist! Otherwise the land would expand so much the Kyogre would be too far away! Celebi grunted in appreciation, confirming Edward to be right. Edward knew that if he could still feel his body, he'd be grinning wildly.

    He could also make out longer overall changes: how the sky appeared to clear, the sky becoming blue-er and the clouds turning whiter. And how gradually, almost imperceptibly, the number of Groudon and Kyogre seemed to decline.

    Looking closely, he noticed that, in the case of the Groudon, they merely began dying quicker and in greater frequency. The Kyogre were dying off quicker as well, but where a Kyogre died a smaller one would take its place, then a smaller, then a smaller. Whereas the Groudon were merely dying, The Kyogre were... evolving.
    I assume this is what ultimately led to the Groudon VS. Kyogre clash?

    And, at the point where the sky was a perfect shade of blue, the heavens split in two.

    Above the land the sun's intensity slowly increased, baking the land beneath and causing the local plant-life to shrivel and die.. Above the water, increasingly thick and dark clouds began to form, the rain becoming more frequent until there was only permanent deluge. Edward remembered the type and intensity of the rain well, it having caused global destruction only recently in his time-line.

    Then Edward noticed a constant – a single Kyogre and Groudon in their respective zones, growing, living, surviving longer than the rest of its species. And suddenly, as the last of the imperfect Groudons died off and the newly-formed Lumineons had left for better waters, there were only two.
    Oh wait, I get it now. This is a good explanation.

    With no fellows to keep them rooted, Groudon and Kyogre moved apart: Groudon across the vast land regions of the super-continent upon which it lived, Kyogre through in impossibly deep and cavernous oceans. Somehow Edward found he was able to focus on both, despite their great distance from one another, but he was to captivated by what he was watching to bring attention to this.

    It became apparent over time that the newly-formed Legendaries discovered their powers over their respective elements: bit by bit Kyogre found it could swallow up the land to expand its territory to its will, whereas Groudon could lift region-sized land masses from the ocean floor. In each instance Edward saw how life immediately sunk into the new areas – alien looking Pokemon who he knew to be ancestors to his familiar modern-day ones colonising their new living spaces as they moved throughout the world.

    With the inevitable momentum of a train, over what could have been centuries, the two Legendaries inched closer and closer to one another.

    Time returned to its normal pace, the waves lapping slowly over sun-dried earth, the rain a deafening furor above the ocean but only the sound of wind blowing through the dying, heat-exhausted plant life on the land.

    Each of the Legends looked confused, the sight of the other weather condition stumping it. Edward noticed how there was no sense of familiarity between the two: any instinct of symbiosis with the other creature had obviously evaporated long ago.

    Curiously, Groudon lifted a small area of land for it to walk across into the deluge, which was immediately swamped by a tidal wave. The red titan snapped its gaze to its blue counterpart, recognising it as its defier. The world stood still for the shortest of moments, then all hell broke loose.
    Familiar territory here, but you tell the story well.

    Suddenly he was back on the forest floor, gasping for breath as his body began to sweat with the pure adrenaline rush. That was so awesome! was all he could think for a while.

    “Take me back! I need to see the rest!” Edward half-shouted a minute later at the Legendary looking at him contentedly. Reluctantly, Celebi shook its head.

    “Sorry, but your mind's a delicate thing. Looking for too long at what happened... I've got to say, it's one of my favourite moments in Earth's history, but the power each of them gave off nearly destroyed the thing. The mere radiation they gave off could fry your brain, and not even I could prevent the shock to your system.”

    Edward expected to feel frustrated, but could only lean back and reminisce, not wanting to forget a single detail. He closed his eyes, replaying the events in his mind over and over, finding himself laughing with awe at some of the more impressive feats or interesting details. They were gods! Edward thought appreciatively.

    And, muttered the darkest crevice of his mind, you have to beat the thing which killed them.
    I can only imagine what the steepness of that mission does to Edward. It's certainly intimidating to me.

    And I'm caught up. Your imagination is really something. You've taken stories that are part familiar and part new and spun them in a new, imaginative way. You show great creativity in filling in the gaps, too; my favorite parts were your imagination with nonexistent Legendaries and your creativity in telling the story of Groudon and Kyogre.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 17: The Bard and the Diva
    Next: Winter of Discontent

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


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