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Thread: The Legend's End

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by overlordmewtwo View Post
    In answer to your question, do whatever you feel led to do. First person, third person, it doesn't matter to me.

    I also noticed a spelling error in the paragraph with Kyogre and Rayquaza. "A feint glow of red." It's supposed to be spelled "A faint glow of red." Just thought I'd let you know.
    I put faint, then thought 'isn't that what happens to you when you get dizzy' and thought it was feint. Thanks for the corrections.

    I like how you assume it is Rayquaza...

    And next time, please tell me what you think of the chapter as a story when you post. It'll help me make the future chapters better.
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  2. #27
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    Hey. Sorry I never beta'd chapter five; I've had a lot of stuff on my hands.

    I don't have time to comb through for all the grammar errors, but generally it's just a lot of the same as before (in particular, you still use way too many unusual speech verbs), though you definitely are improving in many respects there. The "Ninjask" turning out to be a Zubat was nice, although slightly less so when you went on to point out that Zubat is also an extremely convenient Pokémon for Edward to have. The reasoning behind Zubat's speech gimmick seems pretty nonsensical to me, however; it's not speaking human at all, so why would not communicating with humans lead to its speech becoming dated? If it's just been speaking to other Pokémon, and all Pokémon speak the same language with different basic sounds (as implied by the fact Edward understands Pokémon speech in general rather than just the speech of some Pokémon), that should mean its language would evolve in sync with theirs. I mean, it is reasonably entertaining and all, but it just doesn't really make sense.

    Also, although yes, you're not aiming for it to be perfectly correct, it did kind of grate on me that you used "mine" and "thine" wrong. "My" and "mine" and "thy" and "thine" in old-school English work exactly analogously to "a" and "an": if the next word starts with a consonant, you go with "my/thy", whereas if the next word starts with a vowel, you use "mine/thine". For similar reasons, the old informal second-person reflexive pronoun is "thyself", not "thineself". And yes, "thou" is an informal pronoun - you'd use "thou" for a peer and "you" for a stranger or superior (think of using "thou" as kind of like being on a first-name basis with someone), so I'd kind of expect Zubat to start off using "you" as he's praising Edward's greatness.

    I'm also afraid I didn't feel the gym battles in the latest chapter were very exciting. The Pokémon all go down in just a couple of hits, and they're largely just using the same, usually damaging moves over and over - they're too short and it doesn't feel like there's much strategy going on, except somewhat with Nuria. Chikorita's sudden savagery against the Archen did stir things up a bit in her battle (and that will be interesting to see more of), but Edward's battle is really just completely uninteresting - the fact he has a Mudkip and a Nincada against just two of the gym leader's Rock Pokémon means he's at a very blatant advantage, so it just feels like a foregone conclusion that he's going to win, and at no point in the battle does that seem in the slightest bit of doubt. That kind of battle can be saved by having emotional or plotty stuff going on in it, but battles aren't inherently thrilling; you have to work to get real tension and excitement going on in them.

    As for switching to first person, I really don't think it's a good idea to change the narrative POV in the middle of a story, generally, but if first person really flows smoother for you, I suppose you shouldn't be bound to what you started in anyway. Do you actually think first person is more appropriate and that you could write it better than third, though? There are some writers to whom first person comes naturally, but others couldn't write it to save their lives, and there are some stories that call for it, but that's generally when they're heavy on introspection and stream-of-consciousness. If this is just a random whim and not that you think the story would actually be better in first person, I'd have to recommend against it.
    Last edited by Dragonfree; 7th March 2012 at 9:15 PM. Reason: Because I derped out on the main character's name.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  3. #28
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    Thanks for the low-down, Dragonfree. I've added an explanation to Pokemon speech at the end of chapter 5. And yeah, I did mean to make the old english sound incorrect, and I'm happy people noticed. I made the gym battles boring, as at this stage in an adventure/game, there would be very few techniques available, and as Edward has a Mudkip with Water-Gun, obviously he is better off spamming it. Don't worry, the later Gym battles will be more entertaining.

    Oh, and by the way Dragonfree, the main character is Edward. Not Ethan.
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  4. #29
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    Oh, wtf self. I don't usually get the names of fictional characters confused.

    If you encounter a problem like gym battles being boring because of how few moves the Pokémon know, though, you should generally try to figure out a way to make them interesting despite this, not just keep them boring and think "Oh, well, later battles will be more interesting." What if Rocky had, say, a Water/Rock Pokémon, making it not weak to Water and have a type advantage against the Ground-type Nincada? What if a Rock Throw injured one of Nincada's legs so it couldn't dig anymore? Just because the Pokémon are low-leveled and don't have a lot of moves doesn't mean the battles have to be monotonous and strategy-less. And in particular, gym leaders are supposed to be masters of their type - Rocky at least should have interesting strategies and methods of dealing with Water-types rather than just spamming Rock Throw.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  5. #30
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    Thank you Scaldaver for these last two chapters. They are very well written (no story is prfect on grammar and spelling) and are entertaining to read. As Dragonfree said, the gym battle that Edward was in was boring and Nuria's was only interesting because of the evil Chikorita. Catching a Zubat instead of a Ninjask was a nice twist but why would a Nincada want to travel with a trainer willingly? For me that didn't make much sense.
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


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  6. #31
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    Hey, I'd like to point out a mistake of my own. I mistakenly wrote Ralts as a boy in chapter 6, but it is in fact a girl. It probably won't impact on anyone in anyway, most of you probably didn't notice or care, but in my mind she is a girl. I think I've made the appropriate changes, but point any more out if you see them. TTFN!
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  7. #32
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    Ok, so this one's a G, one of the friendlier chapters.

    Chapter 7

    The Serpent of the Sea



    The creature reached its destination; the large, dark chamber filled with stalagmites and stalactites. It saw the glowing pattern, similar to Groudon's, though luminescent red instead of blue. Yellow ovals glared piercingly at the creature from the inky darkness.

    “You dare enter my domain?” a deep voice asked. The anger in its voice couldn't have been cut with the sharpest knife. The intruder didn't respond.

    “You killed Groudon,” the rumbling voice stated. “After all these years of neutrality, why throw the first stone?”

    The intruder remained silent.

    “You shall not dispose of me so easily,” the voice continued, rising to a roar. The intruder showed no signs of being phased. It observed the darkness with its wide eyes. “You shall not dispose of
    us so easily.”

    Suddenly the intruder sensed another presence, incredibly powerful, approaching faster than sound through the chasm. It darted past the intruder, right over to the voice's owner. The newcomer left a yellow after-mirage in its wake, enough to illuminate the ancient voice's owner; a large, egg shaped body; two large side fins, resembling large flat hands with four square claws, and behind it trailed four ribbon-like appendages.
    This creature's own light illuminated the newcomer in red. A long, serpentine creature, with two thin arms nearer its head, and three sets of four fins along its body. Its large, reptilian head had four long, rectangular spike-like appendages shooting out at all the horizontals. Its mouth was open, revealing the razor sharp gums.

    “Alone,” the newcomer hissed, “we would be no match. But together,” the snake growled a soft chuckle, “we will avenge our comrade. Prepare to die!”


    ***

    Edward heard the cussing before he saw her. He searched for where he heard the profanities, and saw Nuria, kicking at a tree. Cautiously, he approached. As he did so, Nuria turned and flinched at the sight of him, then her gaze turned hostile.

    “Get lost,” she grumbled, and turned her back on him. Edward, used to this sort of behaviour, carried on walking towards her.

    “I won, by the way,” Edward said, strolling casually to her side. Nuria nodded, and bit her lip.

    “How did you beat the Archen?” Nuria asked, her voice now more robotic.

    “Er,” Edward silently cursed himself for bringing up this discussion, “well, Archen was, um, too damaged to battle.” Nuria was silent for several seconds.

    “It wasn't my fault,” Nuria said. “It was the stupid Chikorita.” Edward knew better than to argue. “Why the hell's it so messed up?” Nuria demanded. Edward couldn't respond. “Why couldn't I have got a normal, mentally sound starter? Why do I get the worst one?”

    “Don't talk like that,” Edward said firmly, eyes narrow. “You've just got to work at it.”

    “Work at what, Eddy? It wants to kill me. What can I possibly do?”

    “You could apologise,” Edward said. He noticed how angry he was getting, how his voice had become more of a shout than it should have. He wa aware what weak an argument this was, but couldn't she see that a false apology could smooth everything over? Nuria glared at him with murderer's eyes.

    “Apologise?” she demanded. “Apologise for what? 'Sorry you're so messed up'? 'Sorry you almost killed an Archen'? 'Sorry you want to kill me'? I have nothing to apologise for. Here,” she brought a Pokeball from one of her pockets and forced it into his chest, “take it, if you care so much for it. I'll replace it with another.” And before Edward could reply, she stormed off into the forest.

    Edward stood for a minute, eyes on the ball. Could he really keep it? No, it was Nuria's. Then what would he do?

    Edward threw the Pokeball high into the air, and the Chikorita returned, still glowing white from earlier. In front of him the Chikorita grew in size, up to Edward's shoulders, turning from light green to beige. The seeds on her neck also started to germinate, growing tubular with rounded edges. The leaf on her head grew longer, becoming sharper, and developed a circular hole at the edge. The white glow expelled, and the Bayleef opened her red eyes for the first time. The glare turned to wide-eyed in shock as she saw it was Edward, not Nuria, who addressed it.

    “Where is she?” Bayleef spat. Edward couldn't help but notice how the voice had become stronger, more feminine, but cutting edge too.

    “We need to talk,” Edward said in a level voice. The Bayleef shook her head.

    “Tell me, boy, where is she? She deserves punishment for-”

    “For what?” Edward interrupted. “Trainers tell Pokemon what to do. How to fight. In exchange, you get stronger. What's wrong with that?”

    “Everything!” Bayleef roared. “Why is it fair that we lose our lives to satisfy the wants of children? Pokemon should be free, live equally with humans. Why does she order me around? Why can't I order her around? I am superior,” and to demonstrate her point, she whipped her head towards a small tree, and a large leaf shot from her head, cutting the tree in half. It rumbled as it fell towards the ground, and something inhuman shrieked as it collided. Edward to too awed to reply straight away.

    “Maybe you two could work things out,” he proposed, knowing it was a doomed idea. Bayleef shook her head, and Edward worried for a moment that a leaf would destroy more of the scenery.

    “If she apologises, we can work out a deal. Until then, I shall not battle until I see fit.”

    ***

    Edward couldn't get the conversation out of his head for the remainder of the day. He didn't have it in him to train his Pokemon, and besides, it was getting dark. Stew was cooking on an open fire in the middle of the clearing, the fire being the best source of light, causing dark shadows to dance hypnotically around the foliage. Edward was about to get ready for bed when he saw Nuria emerging from the foliage. He hadn't seen her for hours, not since the argument, but the killer glare was still there.

    “Well?” she demanded.

    “Well what?” Edward asked.

    “Chikorita. Will it come back to me?”

    “I thought you didn't want her back,” Edward said. Nuria sighed in frustration.

    “Of course I want it ba-”

    “Her,” Edward said. “Her, not it.” Nuria gritted her teeth.

    “Okay, so maybe I lost my temper. But maybe I spent the last three hours regretting my decision.” Edward noticed for the first time that her eyes were slightly red and puffy. Instantly, he felt bad.

    “She says she won't battle until she gets an apology.”

    Nuria looked up into the canopy, judging the time from the light available. “Tomorrow,” she promised. “I'm too tired now.” Edward suspected there was another reason, but let the matter rest.

    After having some stew, which was served in small plastic bowls by the nurse, Edward and Nuria tried to both squeeze into the tent. It didn't work.

    “Our bags are in the way,” Nuria cursed. “We'll have to leave them outside.”

    “But someone could steal them,” Edward argued.

    “Well then, Chikorita can put her butt to good use and keep watch for them,” Nuria muttered.

    “How about we let them all out?” Edward proposed, not feeling it was a good idea to let Bayleef out just by herself. “Then they can all get to know each other.” Nuria sighed, but agreed. One by one all their Pokemon were released, Bayleef last. Mudkip tensed automatically.

    “Wanna battle?” he asked, bouncing up and down slightly. Above him, Bayleed rolled her eyes. Suddenly Edward noticed Nuria glaring at him again.

    “She evolved,” she growled in an undertone, “and you just forgot to mention that?” Edward's face coloured slightly.

    " But you saw her start to evolve!" he protested.

    "That was Synthesis!" she growled. Suddenly her features smoothed. "Oh... so that was her-"

    “What do you want us for, girl?” Bayleef interrupted. Nuria held up her hands.

    “We just thought,” she began, choosing her words carefully, “that you could all sleep out here for the night, if you want, and make sure our bags don't get stolen.”

    “Magnificent idea, mistress!” Zubat called from his perch in the tree. “Obviously, you knew of the nocturnal capabilities of my noble species, and took it upon thyself to appoint me as guardian. I am so honoured, my lady,” and he bowed slightly. Now Nuria's face turned slightly red.

    “Well, whatever,” she turned to address the rest of the group, “ is this okay with anyone else?” Nincada (who Edward had discovered to be a boy) nodded once; Mudkip jumped up and down, nodding enthusiastically; Ralts said “Okay,” whilst quaking slightly, and Bayleef just rolled her eyes again.

    “I'll stay out here, but don't expect me to help if your bags get taken,” and she sat down on her stomach, closing her eyes.

    “Well,” said Edward, breaking the awkward atmosphere, “we're going to sleep now, so, um, have fun, okay?” The Pokemon nodded, some more enthusiastically than others, and Edward and Nuria disappeared into the tent.

    The space was so cramped that the two couldn't even get inside their sleeping bags, so they resignedly slept under them, head to toe. Unfortunately for Edward, Nuria was a fidget. Barely a moment passed when she didn't shift her position, keeping Edward wide-eyed in the orangey glow of the tent. At one point, Edward noticed something kicked over from Nuria's feet, a little purple waist bag Edward hadn't ever noticed before. Nuria kicked it again in her sleep, and the contents spilled out. Edward's face turned white, then, with shaking fingers, gently, cautiously, picked up the offending item.

    “Nuria,” he half whispered, half choked, “what the hell is this?” Nuria rolled over, eyes half closed, and caught sight of what he was holding. Her eyes didn't even widen.

    “Defence. What do you think?” She rolled over again.

    Edward, arms shaking, opened the waist bag, tentatively placed the gun in, and pushed it as far away from him as possible.

    ***

    “Who wansta battle?” Mudkip asked for the seventh time that night. Ralts and Nincada groaned, Bayleef didn't reply (again) and Zubat was still perched atop its lookout in the tree, just visible in the fire light. Everybody was asleep now, the humans, anyway, but Zubat was still resolute in keeping watch.

    “I commend thy spirit,” Zubat noted, “but why all this eagerness to fight? We are all friends here.”

    “I wanna evolve!” Mudkip barked. “Duh!”

    “We all want to evolve,” Zubat said, “but surely it can wait until our solemn duty has been completed?” Mudkip yawned.

    “You're boring,” Mudkip whined. He turned to Bayleef. “What's it like to evolve, Bayleef?” Bayleef's right eye half opened, and turned her head away.

    “It's amazing,” Bayleef said simply. “You feel older... more mature...more powerful.”

    “Cooool,” Mudkip sighed. He lay down on his back, and looked up into the canopy. “I can't wait to evolve. Anyone else? Ralts? Nincada?” Ralts, who was sitting, staring vacantly at the flames of the fire, nodded once.

    “Anything for Nuria,” Ralts whispered in a soft feminine voice. Bayleef's head snapped toward the feeling Pokemon.

    “What did you say?” she demanded, slight anger in her voice.

    “I love her,” Ralts whispered, still facing the fire. “She is my trainer. I will evolve if she wants me to. And she does want me to. I would do anything for her. I would die for her.”

    Bayleef started to shake in rage.

    “She made you fight, made you get pummelled by wild Wurmple, and you - you can love her? You shake whenever you see her. But you still love her? How is that possible?” She sounded incredulous, shocked. Ralts' head turned slowly to face Bayleef.

    “She has my best interests at heart. She loves me too. I just feel... horrible that I cannot fight well for her,” she shook her head, “ I always think that she will release me. But at least I beat Roggenrola. I will never let her down again.” She turned her head back toward the flames. Bayleef shook her head in disgust.

    “You think she loves you? She has your best interests at heart? You're deluded. She only uses you. All trainers do.”

    “Stop right there!” Zubat intervened. “My master is a noble, worthy-”

    “Not you too,” Bayleef slumped her head. “You are all fools. We are the slaves here! We can't even run out of one-hundred metres or touch our Pokeballs without feeling pain. You know why? Just because, a while ago, some Pokemon had the sense to run, to flee or destroy their Pokeballs to escape slavery. So they made us more powerful prisons. They feel no love for us. You will see one day that I am right.” She rested her head on the floor, and closed her eyes. The other Pokemon remained silent, taking in her words.

    A few seconds later, Mudkip broke the tension.

    “And you, Nincada? Do you want to evolve?” he asked. Nincada didn't reply straight away.

    “I live to become stronger. Why else would I want join a trainer? But to evolve, to become somethings else; I don't know,” Nincada muttered.

    “How can you not know?” Mudkip asked, shocked. “You get stronger, more powerful. How cool is that?”

    “Hmm,” was all Nincada's reply. Mudkip sighed, resigned, and rolled onto his side. Soon, he fell asleep.

    ***

    Edward awoke after broken night's sleep of nightmares and tossing and turning. The worst nightmare was one where Nuria had chased him with a gun in the shape of a Bayleef. There were also voices, but he forgot them as soon as he awoke.

    “Nuria?” he asked, but got no reply. He looked over, and saw Nuria was gone. After wriggling outside, Edward saw Nuria, sitting by the ashes of the previous night's fire, eating a bowl of cereal. How was it she always woke up first, and where did she get all the cereal? Edward's mind wondered. He noticed that all the Pokemon were awake, except Bayleef, and all laying around idly. Ralts was sitting very close to Nuria, appearing to bask in her trainer's presence. Zubat suddenly appeared in the air next to him.

    “T'was a successful mission, master,” Zubat said. “You shall be happy to know I was diligent in my mission, and I did not sleep at all.”

    “Well, thanks,” Edward mumbled, still tired, “but you really didn't have to stay up all-”

    “No, master, you commandeth me, and I shall go to the ends of the earth to-”

    “Shuuut uuup,” Mudkip moaned from afar, “don't start with all the old speak again!” Zubat shot an eyeless, distasteful glare at the mud fish. Before arguments could escalate, Edward brought out his Pokeballs from his pocket and recaptured his Pokemon.

    “Where are we going to to today?” he called over to the campfire. Nuria and Ralts both looked up to him at the same time. Creepy.

    “I thought we'd go to Dewford today, like all the other trainers, if the boat is usable in the rain,” and as though to prove her point, lighting, the first in ages, boomed in the sky, far louder than anything previous. It seemed the entire world flashed and rumbled for just a second, then-

    “A psychic connection,” Ralts commented, speaking slowly, staring at Edward from under her helmet. “You have a-”

    “Okay, Ralts,” Nuria reached into her pocket and took out a Pokeball, “you're obviously too tired. How about some rest?” And before she could retaliate, Ralts was enveloped in red and absorbed.

    “What was all that about?” Edward asked. Nuria shrugged.

    “So, uh, Nuria, about that item I found...” Edward asked cautiously.

    “What about it? It's just a bit of protection from freaks,” and she stood, marching over to the tent. Edward knew when Nuria didn't want to talk, it was easier to get blood from a stone.

    Soon they had packed all of their belongings, recaptured their Pokemon, said goodbye to the nurse, and made their way through the forest.

    “So, where's the boat anyway?” Edward asked. Nuria smirked.

    “In the water.”

    “Oh, ha ha,” Edward grinned too, “but where's the place we go to get on the boat, Nuria?”

    “Just out of the forest,” Nuria explained. “Didn't you see it when we teleported to the forest entrance?”

    “No,” Edward muttered, feeling like an idiot. All he had had to do was look behind him when he had arrived.

    “Anyway, look, we're nearly-” she stopped, face paling. “Oh...” Edward's eyes widened at the completely shocked way in which she spoke. They approached the forest boundary, and Edward saw it too. His heart skipped a beat, he felt himself getting colder. They stopped at the boundary. He realised how strange it was, how he'd been so stupid. Why hadn't he heard it earlier; the shift in sound, the disappearance of the constant pitter-patter that had grown into background noise in the day he had spent in the forest.

    But now, complete silence...

    ***

    Time blurred for Edward as they continued to the boat. Nuria's head seemed clear. Did she understand the ramifications? Or did she just not care?

    Edward barely noticed as the ground became sandy, and as they boarded the overcrowded boat. Nuria would say something every now and then, but he'd just mumble nothingness in reply.

    Edward's mind focused, and he looked out at the sea, leaning on the rail. He flinched when he saw the shore a hundred metres away, but he still felt numb. He noticed the grey shade of the sky; no rain, no sunlight. He saw how the shoreline was completely still, no waves lapping over the sand. He then noticed Nuria approaching, hands in pockets.

    “You okay, drama queen?” she asked. She came to a stop and leant on the rail next to him. “I thought you'd faint. I was shocked, heck, everybody was, but maybe it's just coincidence. After all, when Groudon was around, was it sunny all the time. Maybe it works the other way too. Maybe it'll pick up again later.” She bit her lip, and Edward instantly knew she didn't believe it herself.

    Edward noticed the boat they were on was more of a small sail-boat, rather than the huge steam boat he had been expecting, the deck only about five metres from the ocean top. Children younger than him stood everywhere, all talking excitedly. On a raised deck stood a sourly old man at the wheel, muttering inaudibly to himself. Edward also noticed a speck in the horizon.

    “That's Dewford?” asked Edward to Nuria. She shrugged.

    “What the...” muttered someone behind Nuria, staring intently up into the sky. Edward whipped his head around and up to see. All he saw was a clear blue circle, surrounded by clouds. There was no sun in the gap of the clouds, but it seemed eerie. The clouds seemed to move around the gap, as though a force field was preventing clouds from rolling over that one area. A few of the other trainers noticed too, and the gibber-gabber quieted down. Unnatural silence...

    "Hey," Nuria's voice rose above the silence, "what's the big-"

    The water started to boil, just under the spot, hundreds of metres away, maybe a kilometre away. The water tossed and turned, first gently but then more violently, when suddenly the ocean exploded. A massive green serpent shot out, and disappeared, spiralling high into the sky, through the hole in the clouds. As the tip of its tail disappeared, the clouds closed up, no evidence of the serpent remaining.

    Edward expected to hear as much panic as he was feeling. Because if that was... If it was really...

    Suddenly Edward noticed himself weakening, his consciousness seeping away. His vision wasn't blurring, his mind wasn't sluggish, but everything seemed to move further away, as though his mind was being drained. He tried to fight to feeling, but he felt his legs buckling, his body lurching forward. He flipped over the rail, and fell. He never felt the impact. By then, he was too far gone.



    Last edited by Scaldaver; 31st March 2012 at 9:38 AM.
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  8. #33
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    Rayquaza appeared from the water. Why did he faint? Panic, I guess? It doesn't make sense!

    So obviously the killer is not Rayquaza (especially because he came to Kyogre's aid), but I still have yet to figure out who the killer is. Maybe I'll find out before it's told officially...

    Keep up the good work!
    I will be less active as time goes on; I have many things to do to get into college and will be focusing on that, so if you don't hear from me for a while, just be patient. I will respond, but it may take some time.

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  9. #34
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    I'm still pretty sure that Rayquaza is the killer. I got the impression that either a Jellicent or a Frillish was helping Kyogre as they both have ribbons coming out of them!

    A few spelling/ grammar errors:

    Near the end of the chapter you said "lighting", when it should have been lightNing
    You also said, "where are we going to to today?" There only needs to be one to.

    Mistakes aside, it was entertaining read!
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


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  10. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donphan Dude View Post
    I'm still pretty sure that Rayquaza is the killer. I got the impression that either a Jellicent or a Frillish was helping Kyogre as they both have ribbons coming out of them!
    If you look at a pic of Kyogre, it has ribbons on its tail, so the newcomer is Rayquaza, Kyogre the original voice, and the murderer/ intruder.

    Anyone else don't understand?

    Thanks for the corrections, I'll get onto them later.
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    Quite an engaging read. Most of the points I would draw attention to have already been mentioned, but I found one or two that were not. I'll try and touch on those a bit.


    Its mouth was open, revealing the razor sharp gums.


    Did you mean teeth? I was following that paragraph quickly and with alot of excitement, but that last bit threw me off and made me stumble a bit.

    Besides that one bit, I've noticed that with each chapter your grammar gets a bit better, along with cleaning up some of the spelling mistakes. Spelling mishaps are one thing that really break my rhythm with my reading. Not that you have that many, but when they did pop up it broke my concentration. I've noticed with each chapter they are becoming less and less frequent. Good job on that, it goes a long way with providing a fun read.

    I also noticed a couple misplaced comma's. Though you corrected them after other people mentioned them. That's another thing that causes readers to sometime lose their place and get drawn away from the story. You've been getting progressively better with that, so great job!

    I feel like a broken record mentioning the same things that others did, but Dragonfree had a great point with Edward's gym battle. It felt a tad bit rushed, and it did seem that the Gym Leader had a noticeable lack of strategy. They usually only earn their position by being the best, and I didn't really feel that. The battles however, were nicely described. Not just the gym battles, but all the battles that I've seen take place. I feel like I can see them quite clearly, which is a great achievement.

    Edward and Nuria are quite appealing. I feel like I'm able to connect with Nuria more than Edward for some reason. She seems more formed, more defined, if that makes sense. I'm really excited to see more character development from them, and where their journey is going to take them. I've skimmed some other fic's and have been really horrified at some of the one dimensional and common characters. Edward and Nuria are a welcome exception, just make sure you keep expanding on their thoughts and ideas. I know for a fact that its easy to make mistakes with a character's development when you have to focus on so many other parts of the story. If the characters are lacking, your story will suffer. Nice work, keep it up!

    Legendary's getting killed was a great addition. You make no attempt to hide the reality of the fact that bad things actually happen. Groudon's death was nicely portrayed. And though it might sound somewhat morbid, I look forward to seeing if any other staples of power like them get torn down.

    All in all, I'm really excited for the next chapter and very glad I started your fic. I'll be sure to reccomend it to anyone on the site who's looking for a good read. Keep up the good work!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Quite an engaging read. Most of the points I would draw attention to have already been mentioned, but I found one or two that were not. I'll try and touch on those a bit.


    Its mouth was open, revealing the razor sharp gums.


    Did you mean teeth? I was following that paragraph quickly and with alot of excitement, but that last bit threw me off and made me stumble a bit.
    Rayquaza doesn't actually appear to have teeth, just sharp, red gums. Check out a picture if you're not sure.

    I also noticed a couple misplaced comma's. Though you corrected them after other people mentioned them. That's another thing that causes readers to sometime lose their place and get drawn away from the story. You've been getting progressively better with that, so great job!
    Yeah, I'm horrible at commas. If anyone can point them out, I'll be thrilled.

    I feel like a broken record mentioning the same things that others did, but Dragonfree had a great point with Edward's gym battle. It felt a tad bit rushed, and it did seem that the Gym Leader had a noticeable lack of strategy. They usually only earn their position by being the best, and I didn't really feel that. The battles however, were nicely described. Not just the gym battles, but all the battles that I've seen take place. I feel like I can see them quite clearly, which is a great achievement.
    My aim of the whole easy gym thing was to demonstrate the ineptitude of the trainers and Pokemon with low levels (as I mentioned with Dragonfree). In a game, what tactics would you have, especially with two advantageous pokemon? More importantly, they'll be a nice comparison for me to write about later on... Don't worry though, everyone, they'll get MUCH harder from here on in...

    Thanks for all the great comments, they're the reason I keep on writing!
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    Ah, well that does make more sense, I should have read your convo with Dragonfree closer

    And yes, Rayquaza's picture paints a much different picture. Thankyou for correcting me lol. I just feel like it should have teeth haha

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    Yeah, me too lol. I try to keep the Pokemon exactly to their pictures
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    Again, I don't really have time for full grammar-nitpicky-mode, but I'm chiming in with Sidewinder; you've improved considerably in that regard, though there are still issues. (All I'm going to point out is that in the opening scene, incidentally, you use "phased" where you mean "fazed", as in "unfazed" - although I'm not sure I've ever heard that used as "showing no signs of being fazed".)


    I entirely understand the people who got confused over the legendary-scene this time around; I found it puzzling even after reading your explanation of what was going on. It's a matter of the difficulty of figuring out which of all your ways of referring to or describing the legendaries are referring to the same one. To see what I mean, let's bold all those references to the legendaries in the last two paragraphs:

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver
    Suddenly the intruder sensed another presence, incredibly powerful, approaching faster than sound through the chasm. It darted past the intruder, right over to the other presence in the room. This one left a yellow after-mirage in its wake,enough to illuminate the ancient voice's owner. A large, egg shaped body. Two large side fins, resembling large flat hands with four square claws. Behind it trailed four ribbon-like appendages. This creature's own light illuminated the newcomer in red. A long, serpentine creature, with two thin arms nearer its head, and three sets of four fins along its body. Its large, reptilian head had four long, rectangular spike-like appendages shooting out at all the horizontals. Its mouth was open, revealing the razor sharp gums.

    “Alone,” the newcomer hissed, “we would be no match. But together,” the snake growled a soft chuckle, “we will avenge our comrade. Prepare to die!”
    There are so many back-references ("this one", "this creature") and confusing references to different individuals as "creatures" or "presences", not to mention the fact the descriptions are disconnected from their subject so it isn't at all obvious, that parsing all this information correctly requires a whole lot of squinting and guesswork and backtracking.

    What I'd recommend for situations like this, where multiple individuals whose actual names can't be given are involved, is to use consistent epithets for them. You do this in part, with "the intruder" and "the newcomer" - however, you also try to vary the way you refer to them, which just makes things confusing quickly in a situation like this, and you have no consistent epithet for Kyogre. Also, connect the descriptions to those consistent epithets in an obvious way, so it's clear which creature you're describing in each case.


    So, I thought the aftermath of the Chikorita part was kind of weird.

    First of all, you have Edward angrily suggesting Nuria should apologize to Chikorita - but for what? The current issue at hand is Chikorita beating up an innocent Archen for liking its trainer and Nuria recalling her when she refused to stop; why does he think Nuria is at fault here? Even if we assume Chikorita's general resentment towards her is entirely justified, Chikorita is still plainly in the wrong in this case for taking it out on another Pokémon who had nothing to do with it. The fact Edward acts like Nuria was doing something terribly wrong is pretty bizarre here. (What's more is that when Edward is actually talking to Bayleef, he seems to agree that Nuria has nothing to be sorry about, making this even more puzzling.)

    Meanwhile, the way both Edward and Nuria are only concerned with Bayleef's 'ownership' rather than with the fact she was psychotically, out-of-control violent last time she was in a battle feels grievously irresponsible. Aren't they the slightest bit worried that this will happen again? Why is their continued longing to own her not even in question at any point? Has Nuria not started to think maybe she should just release this Pokémon that hates her, is a dangerous wildcard in battle and has only been making her feel bad on their journey thus far?

    Which brings us to the weird general lack of anyone bringing up the possibility of release. Bayleef has stated explicitly that she hates the idea of battling for a trainer, and yet it seems to occur to nobody, not even Bayleef herself, that maybe this means she shouldn't have a trainer. Edward's response to her objections to training in general is a "Maybe you and Nuria can work this out", with no recognition of the fact that if Bayleef doesn't want to be trained she obviously should be allowed to go free regardless of what Nuria might think on the matter - it's pretty alienating when Edward has generally been presented as being pretty sympathetic towards Pokémon. And yet Bayleef never asks to be released - despite that she hates trainers and wants nothing to do with them, and that she especially despises Nuria in particular, she doesn't simply ask to not be Nuria's Pokémon, instead insisting Nuria just apologize to her. I would think you're trying to convey that Bayleef has issues and is actually seeking validation, but even in that case I'd expect her to demand to be released, if only because it's a far more effective way of making Nuria want to keep her than viciously antagonizing trainers the way she's doing. And Edward still has no excuse.

    “She evolved,” she growled in an undertone, “and you just forgot to mention that?” Edward's face coloured slightly, then Bayleef shook her head.
    Also, this is pretty weird; Nuria must have seen that Chikorita was starting to evolve when she recalled her, and logically she'd continue evolving as soon as she was sent out. (And Nuria knows Edward talked to her, so she knows she must have been sent out.)

    We can't even run out of one-hundred metres or touch our Pokeballs without feeling pain. You know why? Just because, a while ago, some Pokemon had the sense to run, to flee or destroy their Pokeballs to escape slavery. So they made us more powerful prisons.
    If this is true and not just something Bayleef made up wholesale (as in the thing about Pokémon feeling pain if they run too far away from a Pokéball or touch it), then that seriously needs some addressing because it makes catching Pokémon way ethically dubious. (Accordingly, I'd have expected the other Pokémon to respond to this in some manner instead of just ignoring it. Actually, I'd also have expected that if Bayleef did make it up wholesale.)


    I liked the bit about the gun. It kind of stretches suspension of disbelief that she'd have a gun, but knowing that apparently she left without her parents' permission, I'm assuming she stole it from them. Edward's general freaked-out what-the-hell reaction was well done, and Nuria's casualness about it, treating it as if having a gun for self-defense is the most natural thing in the world for a trainer, is suitably unnerving but fitting with her character as we know it.

    “I live to become stronger. Why else would I want join a trainer? But to evolve, to become somethings else; I don't know,” Nincada muttered.
    Ha. It's a pretty nice twist if Nincada doesn't want to evolve - shattering Edward's dreams of a Ninjask and leaving him stuck with an unevolved bug with an unusual typing. (Also, I don't know if the "somethings else" was a typo or a reference to the fact Nincada evolves into two Pokémon simultaneously and might think of evolution in those terms, but if it was the latter that's a pretty neat thing to do.)

    “Shuuut uuup,” Mudkip moaned from afar, “don't start with all the knight speak again!”
    While your explanation of Zubat's dated, not-entirely-correct speech made sense, another Pokémon referring to it as "knight speak" really doesn't - Pokémon don't actually have a time of knights that they'd associate such dated speech with.

    Nuria and Ralts both looked up to him at the same time. Creepy.
    I enjoyed this touch.

    It seemed the entire world flashed and rumbled for just a second, then-

    “A psychic connection,” Ralts commented, speaking slowly, staring from under her helmet. “You have a-”

    “Okay, Ralts,” Nuria reached into her pocket and took out a Pokeball, “you're obviously too tired. How about some rest?” And before she could retaliate, Ralts was enveloped in red and absorbed.

    “What was all that about?” Edward asked. Nuria shrugged.
    Huh. Nuria's psychic? At this point that seems really random, but hopefully this will all turn out to make sense.

    I also wonder why Edward fainted. It seems like rather an overreaction if it's just in response to seeing Rayquaza there while suspecting Kyogre is dead, but it's so sudden I'm guessing there has to be something else behind it. As always, it's nice to see stuff happening rather than just run-of-the-mill trainery stuff.
    Last edited by Dragonfree; 14th March 2012 at 7:46 AM.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

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    Hey, thanks for all the reviewing, Dragonfree. I've already altered the chapter to explain some more, and I will address the other points in other chapters. I also corrected the 'Knight speech' thing (I forgot that that Mudkip was a Pokemon momentarily. Oops...).

    What Bayleef says about the Pokeballs is in fact true, but I will mention it in a later chapter...

    (And yes, I did include the 'somethings'. I thought it would be a nice touch.)
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    This is astounding, the plot all comes together, with no backdraft of pointless flashbacks or any meaningless swap of words in any point. A fantastic story in every view!
    My friends, if perfect insanity was fire, I'd be the person to use a roman candle to light a firework next to a max-power oven while wearing 3 wool sweaters with a TV on for 20 days straight non-stop while my house is on fire. Yeah, I'm that crazy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by legoslayer10 View Post
    This is astounding, the plot all comes together, with no backdraft of pointless flashbacks or any meaningless swap of words in any point. A fantastic story in every view!
    So... you wanna be on the PM list?

    Thanks for the shining comments, they're what I write for!
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    I just read the entire story thus far from beginning to end, and I must say, I am pretty impressed.

    While the beginning was a bit weak, relying on some typical trainer fic clichés while it was still unclear what the meaning of the Groudon portion was, you rapidly developed the story into something much more engaging than that. You've done well in later chapters at setting this apart from typical trainer fic fare, in fact, I daresay I've learned a couple of things myself.

    On another note, I actually understood and liked what you did with the Rocky Gym battle - it was kind of a clever nod to how typically dull the first Gym in any of the games is. It raised some questions in my head, too - is it right to assume Rocky os from Unova, because he has Archen and Roggenrola? And what of Roxanne, where has she gone?

    It's pretty clear you're planning out your narrative, because it's a considerable strength. I am very interested in the developing fight to stop Groudon's enigmatic assassin, and this "Shift" you've alluded to, which appears to be some kind of massive (un?)natural event that caused mass migrations, is also extremely intriguing.

    You have had some struggles with spelling and grammar, but other reviewers have already thoroughly covered that, and you can further refer to the PM I'm going to send you.

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    Thanks for the proofreading of Dragonfree and The Great Butler, who between the two of them probably cover every mistake I make (of which there are many). So, anyway, enjoy!



    Chapter Eight

    Lost memories, Part 1


    The battle was over. The lord of the seas was dead and the emperor of the sky was fleeing. The intruder cast an eye over to the mutilated corpse of what was once a worshipped god. After a lasting look of pity, it flew in pursuit of the dragon.

    Slowly but steadily the corpse rose, belly-up, and gracefully floated up the chasm.


    ***

    Edward's eyes suddenly flew open and he found himself staring wide-eyed at the overcast sky. He felt pressure in his chest, then he was coughing up sea water, all over his chest and the rock around him.

    Hang on. Rock?

    Edward's palm swept against the rough granite, but before he could consider this, he felt a stinging sensation on his face as a force knocked his head to the side.

    “You idiot!” he heard the furious yell of Nuria, perhaps inches from his ear. “What the hell is your problem?” He felt another slap on his face, harder than the first. His cheek rung from the impacts, and he braced before hearing another voice:

    “Stop it, you crazy-head! It's a miracle as it is; be thankful he's alive.” The voice sounded old and weary. Edward cracked his eyes open and craned his neck up to see who had the audacity to talk to Nuria in such a way. This man needed a medal.

    A small semi-circle of children surrounded him, as well as an old man Edward recognised to be the boat driver. He looked to his right and saw Nuria, shaking with rage. The old man stepped forward, hand outstretched. Edward took it and shakily got to his feet. He nearly slipped, but the old man held fast. Then Edward noticed that his own clothes were completely sopping wet.

    “What?” he groaned, his eyes hurting, unaccustomed to the sudden light.

    “You were drowning,” the old man rasped bluntly. “You would've died if your friend hadn't dived down in after you.” Edward's face turned to Nuria, and noticed for the first time she was wet too. Edward gaped helplessly at her while she raised an eyebrow at his confusion.

    “What? You're not surprised, are you?” she asked, still trembling with rage. Edward couldn't even mumble a reply. Nuria, save his life? Was it possible? Then Edward shivered as the truth dawned on him. He owed Nuria Heliol his life. Dear God...

    Edward looked around him, over the heads of the curious children. They all appeared to be on a small brown rock island, surrounded for miles and miles by the still sea. Edward turned around, and saw a mound of rock, similar to a mountain, though not nearly as big but big enough to obscure his vision of the opposite end of the island. The boat was docked just a few metres away. The island could be one-hundred squared metres, Edward guessed, based on the size of this side.

    “Where is this?” Edward croaked. For a drowned boy, his throat was awfully parched. He noticed some of the children, placated in the knowledge that Edward had lived, start to walk off around the tall mound of rock. The old man released his hand, content that Edward could stand.

    “Dewford,” he said. “Or what's left of it.” Edward looked around again, sure the man had made a mistake. After all, he'd seen the holiday cards of Dewford, those golden beaches and crystal clear sea. But there was no sand in sight, and the sea was murky and motionless. The old man nodded at Edward's confusion and explained,

    “The rain flooded the entire island, with the exception of Granite Cave. The Pokemon inside- what's wrong?” he asked as Edward's knees suddenly buckled again. Nuria, as quick as a Ninjask, shot up to catch him before he fell.

    “Edward?” she asked, desperation, not anger, in her voice.

    Edward's heart was beating wildly, his mind screaming something of such massive importance that he could feel himself sweating in the cool air.

    Granite Cave.

    The name sent shivers down his spine. Of what? Fear? Anticipation? Edward didn't know. It was as though the world's most precious memory was just on the tip of his tongue, out of reach. Edward's frustration rose as Nuria continued.

    “We need a doctor. He's been dizzy almost all day and has fainted. Is there one nearby?” Nuria pleaded to anyone who would listen. Edward concentrated for a moment and stood carefully, shooting one half-hearted glare at Nuria.

    “Now who's babying who?” he demanded. She displayed a slight crooked grin, then punched Edward full force in the stomach. He doubled over, gasping for breath, holding the place of his stomach where a Hitmonchan could've given him a Mach Punch. When he felt comfortable enough to rise (after a few minutes), he noticed all the young trainers, including Nuria, had gone, leaving only the old man.

    “Yep, she's crazy all right,” he muttered, then pointed over to the mound of rock. “The doctor will be past that, helping out the Gym Leader.” Without any further comment, he turned back to his boat and climbed aboard.

    ***

    Edward found Nuria cross-legged on the rock, watching the battle with unblinking eyes. An elderly man stood at one end, not quite as decrepit as the boat driver, but still wrinkled around the eyes. But they looked more like laughter lines than anything else. He wore a red t-shirt and casual blue jeans, with two sandals to protect his feet from the rough ground. He had strong, ripped arms, and instead of being hunched over like the boat driver, stood tall and proud with a sharp eye on the battle. His blond hair was long enough to dangle down to his neck.

    The battle seemed interesting enough. A Machop stood panting, holding its side to stem the flow of blood seeping through its fingers. Its feet were tangled hopelessly in roots which extended over to the other combatant. A Shroomish stood some feet away from it, frowning at the humanoid from its undefined face. It was bruised and cut, bleeding brown blood, but the wounds appeared to heal as Machop's breathing became more laboured. Then Edward noticed that, standing opposite to who could only have been the Gym Leader, was James. His eyes were furrowed in concentration, a bead of sweat dripping down his face.

    “Looks intense,” Edward commented. Nuria nodded and patted the rock next to her. Edward sat. “Looks harder to beat than Rocky, in any case.” To this, Nuria just rolled her eyes.

    “Have you forgotten that Rocky's been Gym Leader for only two weeks? Or that he never trained Pokemon until his Mum got a heart attack last month?” She raised an eyebrow at Edward's confusion (for the second time that day). “You seriously thought that was the full-time Gym Leader? As though your underdeveloped Nincada could have even scratched the last Leader's Pokemon. Don't you watch the news? Or listen in school?” The last comment was more of a joke, as it was constantly used by Edward against Nuria. Still, as Nuria mentioned it, it did seem pretty similar to Edward. Suddenly the badge in his bag didn't feel so important.

    Of course, Edward knew he had a half-excuse for not knowing. Edward had always wanted more adventure in his life, so if a Pokemon related news broadcast blared on the television, Edward would turn it off or leave the room. The fact was that Edward wanted to make his own adventure, and simply didn't care about what others had done. Nuria's Mum had banned her from watching anything to do with Pokemon, so turned on the Pokemon-related news whenever she was out. Of course, Edward knew he knew far more about Pokemon themselves than Nuria. To prove this point:

    “What're the roots doing?” Nuria asked. Edward grinned self assuredly.

    “Leech Seed. You know, the seeds germinate on the opponent and drains its energy, bringing it back to the one who released the seeds.” Edward couldn't help it, but the comment sounded patronising. Nuria grunted in reply.

    The tense stand-off became too much for James, and he ordered Shroomish to use Stun Spore. The mushroom concentrated for a second, then expelled a golden cloud of small particles from the hole at the top of its head. Slowly it wafted over to the Machop, but its trainer made no attempt to issue a command. Instead, the second the humanoid inhaled within the cloud, he called:

    “Facade!”, and instantly the Machop jumped over to the Shroomish, feet tied together by the roots, where it fell to the floor at the mushroom's feet. It struggled to get up, baring its teeth while pushing on the ground. Edward could see it shuddering, parts of its body occasionally freezing up. The display looked so completely pitiful that he was about to demand the match to stop when suddenly it jumped up, taking the Shroomish by surprise, and punched it upwards with such force that the mushroom flew high into the air. It landed a second later with a dull thud, like the noise made if you dropped a pillow. It didn't get up again, and must have been James' last Pokemon because when it was withdrawn he walked away bitterly, allowing one of the spectators to stand up and take his place.

    “Wow,” was all Edward could say. A weakened, seeded, paralysed Machop taking out a Shroomish in one blow. Suddenly Edward remembered how under-levelled his Pokemon were. He'd have to find somewhere to train. Fast.

    Nuria must have come to the same conclusion, because she jumped up, making her way over to the mound of rocks. Edward followed.

    “Where're we going?” he asked as they started to climb.

    “I saw someone come out the top here just before you arrived. Probably an entrance to Granite Cave.” Once again, confusion swept over Edward as he tried to work out the mystery in his mind. What was so important about Granite Cave?

    They reached the top in seconds, and Edward saw that a hole had been drilled in the top, leading into a dark, hollow tunnel. Edward's heart began to race again. He knew he was close to... to something of immense importance. Something crucial. Involuntarily he took a dazed step forward, and would have fallen in altogether if Nuria hadn't held out an arm. She then leaned in closer to the hole.

    “It's dark down there, all right,” she confirmed to Edward.

    “Zubat can guide us, right?” Edward asked, a subtle note of anxiety in his voice. Nuria narrowed her eyes at him.

    “Yes. Why are you so desperate?” she asked, blatantly suspicious.

    “It's all connected!” Edward blurted out, louder than he meant. “Something's in there, I know it is.” Nuria crossed her arms.

    “Have you seen a doctor yet? Because all that's down there is rock and wild Pokemon. I'm going to train Ralts for a while. I'll follow you a bit, but when the Pokemon stop, so do I.” She then took off her backpack and rifled through it, producing a torch. Edward remembered he too had one, and soon produced his own. He also sent forth his Zubat. It materialized in a glow of white and began to circle the air, free of the restraints the forest had placed.

    “Oh, noblest of masters, I thank thee sir for permitting me this freedom which-”

    “Yeah, yeah,” Nuria interrupted. “Can you guide us in the cave?” Zubat looked affronted by the bluntness of Nuria's request, but replied to Edward:

    “Of course, thy wish is my command!” And before Edward could thank him, Zubat swerved in the air and darted into the crevice. Edward and Nuria exchanged nervous glances, but Nuria was the first to lower herself into the hole. When her head had disappeared, Edward leant down too. The hole had metal pipes which acted as a ladder, but they were wet and slippery, so he had to hold on, rung and torch in hand, as he descended.

    The floor wasn't as far down as Edward expected, though by the time he had got there and switched on his torch, Nuria had already sent out Ralts, who stood straight and unwavering looking up to Nuria. Edward could see her shaking slightly, but not as much as before. For all he knew, it was just the feeling of being under several tonnes of rock. Edward shivered. Why did he have to think that?

    Listless, Edward pointed his torch at random around the cavern, illuminating crevices with yellow light. It was a large room with plenty of rocks strewn across the floor. At the other end of the chamber was a hole, darker and more ominous than the rest of the area. He noticed the floor was wet a few metres to his right, right up against the wall. The wall looked different from the other walls, less smooth, more like it was bricked up. Then Edward realized; it must have been the old entrance before the flood. Knowing that only a wall prevented him from drowning sent another shiver down his spine.

    Edward knew it was close, whatever it was. Each and every glance was like deja vu, old memories failing to slot into place like a broken jigsaw puzzle. He felt himself sweating. Why?

    Suddenly Zubat appeared out of nowhere and made Edward scream. Deep and manly? Not a chance. He let forth a high-pitch squeal, which made Nuria snort somewhere in the darkness.

    “What is it?” Edward hissed at the bat.

    “Master, I am tremendously sorry if I gave you a fright. Even the bravest of men-”

    “Anything else?” Edward demanded. Suddenly he felt bad. “Sorry. I shouldn't be so angry; it was only a mistake. Is there anything else, Zubat?” he said in a softer tone.

    “I scouted into the darkest levels. Most of the Pokemon have been evacuated,” he said, just loud enough for Nuria to hear, “the exceptions being members of mine noble race and some curious chaps with shiny eyes.” Edward racked his brain. Shiny eyes? Of course, he realized, Sableye, the darkness Pokemon. Zubats could be dealt by Ralts, but what were Sableye's weaknesses again? Oh yeah, he remembered. They didn't have one.

    Nuria marched over to Edward, Ralts following. Edward noticed a rounded grey rock being levitated just above Ralts' head. Edward raised an eyebrow.

    “It was Ralts' idea,” Nuria explained. “When she's not battling, she'll still be training.” Edward looked over at the feeling pokemon and saw that, although the rock was directly in front of her, she had positioned her head in Nuria's direction.

    “Speaking of training, what about Bayleef?” Edward asked. Nuria shrugged.

    “I'll talk to her later. She can't train here anyway, though I'm sure I spotted a Geodude or two out there somewhere.” She thought for a moment, then realised that Edward was still there. “So, anyway, I'll follow you on your journey for the Holy Grail or whatever and battle what we bump into. Okay?” she asked. Edward nodded and walked over to the hole, legs quaking. Whatever he suspected was there was buried deep below the surface of the land, waiting for him.

    ***

    There were many, many floors to Granite Cave, more than Edward thought possible. It seemed as though the earth just added new levels for the humans to stumble through. Even with the torches, Zubat was indispensable. He helped prevent both Nuria and Edward tripping on many occasions, stopped them from falling into chasms and even told Nuria she'd stumbled into a sleeping Graveler minefield, and had to carefully navigate her out (although Edward suspected that this was just revenge for Nuria cutting him off so rudely earlier), as she had no intention of battling something that strong. Ralts just followed behind Nuria at a set distance, never more then two metres away.

    With each level the anticipation in Edward's chest grew greater and greater. The occasional rock or crevice seemed so familiar that he'd sworn he'd been in that exact spot before.

    The few trainers they encountered by torchlight gave them wide berth. After all, Edward reasoned, they were probably after a wild Pokemon battle to train for the Gym Leader; not to have a battle between powerful Pokemon which could cause the place to cave in.

    Nuria hadn't been able to battle once, which may have been smart considering she couldn't see most of what was going on. Edward didn't actually know why she still followed. There hadn't been any Pokemon sightings recently, so why was she still tagging along? Edward nearly pursued this thought when he saw the hole in the floor by his feet.

    Here.

    He'd reached his destination. His humming heart confirmed it. The light in the cavern flickered as his hand trembled. Sweat dripped in beads down his forehead. In a hole no larger than a metre in diameter was the end of his search.

    “Nuria-” he croaked, then felt her hand clamp around his mouth. He panicked for a second, then Nuria pointed with her other hand into the darkness where Edward wasn't shining his torch. Two luminescent bluey-white gems that seemed to-

    Edward's heart suddenly stopped. They weren't jewels. They were eyes.

    Edward nodded slightly and Nuria released her hand. Where the hell is Zubat? Edward cursed, taking a tentative step backwards towards the ladder to the chamber above. Edward hoped madly that it hadn't seen them. Because then they'd have no choice but to jump into the hole, and now Edward wasn't so sure if he wanted to go in. Was it fear which trembled his hand? As he thought this his foot caught on a pebble and he fell crashing to the floor. Pain shot up his hands which he used to cushion himself, and knew instantly he'd started to bleed.

    That's when the Sableye attacked.

    Edward felt a slash on his leg and screamed in pain. Nuria started to shout when it was suddenly cut off. Edward's anticipation he felt mere seconds before was now replaced by sheer terror.

    Edward could hear more tiny feet approaching, a cruel inhuman chuckle from all around. He curled up into a ball, tucking his bleeding legs into his stomach. Another slash. Then another. Each time he screamed in agony, tears rolling down his cheeks and blood wetting his clothes. He lifted the torch with his one good arm and looked around, the view distorted behind the tears. Bejewelled, menacing creatures of the shadows surrounded him completely in in rows upon rows, sharp teeth bared in psychotic grins. One from the back jumped into the air and came flying towards him. With what he thought to be his final effort, Edward rolled up, brought his torch fist back, and sent a desperate punch with all his remaining energy towards the gremlin. It made no contact; the Sableye just dissolved into shadow. His momentum carried him forward; Edward was sure he'd break his nose on the fall. But instead of colliding with ground, Edward just kept on falling past the floor, through the hole into the chamber below.

    ***


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 31st March 2012 at 6:27 PM.

  21. #46
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    Oh, boy. That hole seems to be pretty deep. Maybe he'll go into Wonderland! (JK)

    A Sableye attack. I never liked those guys, and them attacking just made things worse. Wonder why Edward was feeling anticipation as they moved deeper into the cave.

    And Kyogre is dead, too?!? Damn. Whatever is after those guys is very strong. Rayquaza, I'm sure, was lucky to get out alive.
    I will be less active as time goes on; I have many things to do to get into college and will be focusing on that, so if you don't hear from me for a while, just be patient. I will respond, but it may take some time.

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  22. #47
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    Great chapter. Hope the next is just as good. Keep 'em coming



  23. #48
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    the impacts, and braced before he heard another voice:
    Felt as if a 'HE' would make the sentence better if it was inserted between and, and braced.

    Edward recognised to be the boat driver
    Spelling error. Should be 'recognized'

    Nuria, as quick as a Ninjask, shot up to catch him before he fell.
    I liked that comparison alot.

    The name sent shivers down his spine. Of what? Fear? Anticipation? Edward didn't know. It was as though the world's most precious memory was just on the tip of his tongue, out of reach. Edward's frustration rose as Nuria continued.
    I think you did a great job describing that situation.

    seemed bruised and cut, bleeding brown blood,
    It seemed? I felt like that would be better if you had written that it was. Seemed means that it might not be, but if its seeping blood, then it is. Make sense?

    Nuria must have come to the same conclusion, as she jumped up, making her way over to the mound of rocks.
    Felt like that would have read better if you had put, "Nuria must have come to the same conclusion, because she jumped up, making her way over to the mound of rocks.

    “Master, I am tremendously sorry if I gave you a fright. Even the bravest of men-”
    I liked how Zubat reassured Edward. Reminded me of C3PO for some reason lol

    Nicely done. I liked the chapter a great deal. I'm still wondering why Edward has so much involved in the fate of the legendary's that have died. It almost seems like he has some sort of precognitive power. It bothered me a little bit that the two of them went so far into Granite cave. I just can't think of a reason why they would venture so far down. Just made me stumble on the reading slightly.

    The last bit with Sableye was really good. Only some fics have Pokemon attacking and inflicting actual injury on humans, which I've always thought to be realistic; I'm glad I can count your fic as one of them. It's so real, so deserving, if that makes sense. I also think you're doing a good job improving the characters and making them grow. Nuria is surprisingly violent (Which I like, for some reason.) I see now why you had to split this up into two chapters, and I eagerly await to see what happens to Nuria and Edward. Good job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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    Chapter One added (12-07-2014)

  24. #49
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    Hey, because of the two similar chapters, the next is now up! Keep in mind (Sidewinder) that, being English, I spell some words differently (like 'organised' instead of 'organized'). I hope everyone can overcome these international differences and get along well. Enjoy!


    Chapter Nine

    Lost Memories, Part 2


    ***

    The killer resurfaced, finally free of the restraints the water had imposed. It stretched out slightly and looked out upon the flat sea in satisfaction. It then gazed up into the clouded sky. It took less than a second to consider its next course of action, then took off into the sky in pursuit.

    ***

    Edward was sure he was dead. He felt no pain from his lacerations. His head didn't hurt either, though he felt sure he'd bashed against the rock floor. Groaning, he prised open his eyelids and saw a red circle in the middle of his view. Oh great, he thought, a concussion down here. If only Nuria was-

    Edward bolted up as he remembered the fight. The half-shriek that Nuria had produced. The Sableye must have her! Edward thought, panic-stricken, I have to-

    “Don't worry,” said a voice from behind him. It sounded small and high-pitched, like a little girl's. Edward whipped his head around and of course saw nothing in the darkness. As his head moved the red ball disappeared to overhead.

    Edward's heart appeared to hum for a moment. That voice. He knew that voice. He knew those words. But he didn't know where from.

    “The Sableye weren't real,” the voice continued happily. “They were just images to scare your friend off. Her Ralts Teleported her away. I'm also holding your Zubat asleep for a while. I need to talk to you, and you alone.” Edward swallowed. What had happened to Zubat? What was going on?

    “Why are you scared? Don't be scared. You're my friend, remember? My brother's friend is my friend. We had a nice old chat in your dreams, didn't we? Can't you remember?”

    Edward furrowed his brow. He did remember, but how? He certainly couldn't remember talking to the voice before, but it sounded so familiar. And what did it mean, in his dreams?

    Suddenly it all fell into place. The memories started to reassert themselves, crystal clear in his mind. He stood up, more confident, but the fear still remained. Because now he knew why he was here.

    “You do remember!” the voice chirped happily. “So, have you thought about it much? Do you say yes?” Of course I haven't thought about it, Edward thought, I just remembered now. But he nodded anyway, grimacing as he did so. He knew he could only say yes, because of what it would mean if he said no.

    “Oh good! Hey, wait, can you see? Oh sorry! I forget that you humans need light to see. Here you go!” Instantly the chamber exploded into bright light, causing Edward to shield his eyes.

    When he was able to squint, he made out the dark brown walls, the sharp points of the stalactites and stalagmites and, most notably, the figure dead in the centre of the circular chamber. As Edward's eyes adjusted, he made out the sharp, long, red wings; the red body, small arms and tail feathers; the long white neck capped with a sharp, feline head with a red triangular band in its nose. As she shifted, Edward made out the hollow blue triangle on her chest.

    Edward knew he was looking at a real live legendary Pokemon. A Pokemon of such power that it could atomize him with just intense concentration.

    A Pokemon that he knew couldn't survive without him.

    Unconsciously, Edward brought an empty Pokeball from his deep pockets and threw it at the Pokemon. She smiled as her form became redder and redder, and as she lost her shape she whispered, with a voice so soft it could have been a breeze, “Thank-you.”

    And the Pokeball closed, clicking to confirm successful capture. The light began to fade so Edward had to train his torchlight beam on the ball. Edward's mind both raced and cemented. His new memories and old slotted together now, showing him the lies he'd been under the influence of his entire life. But he knew he could be certain of at least one thing.

    He'd just caught Latias.

    ***

    Eight Hours Previously, Petalburg Forest

    The space was so cramped that the two couldn't even get inside their sleeping bags, so they resignedly slept under them, head to toe. Unfortunately for Edward, Nuria was a fidget. Barely a moment passed when she didn't shift her position, keeping Edward wide-eyed in the orangey glow of the tent. At one point, Edward noticed something kicked over from Nuria's feet, a little purple waist bag Edward hadn't ever noticed before. Nuria kicked it again in her sleep, and the contents spilled out. Edward's face turned white, then, with shaking fingers, gently, cautiously, picked up the offending item.

    “Nuria,” he half whispered, half choked, “what the hell is this?” Nuria rolled over, eyes half closed, and caught sight of what he was holding. Her eyes didn't even widen.

    “Defence. What do you think?” She rolled over again.

    Edward, arms shaking, opened the waist bag, tentatively placed the gun in, and pushed it as far away from him as possible.



    The dream started off nightmarish and confusing; Nuria had been chasing him around a storm-ridden Petalburg with a gun shaped like a Bayleef. No matter which way he had run, she'd always turn up and point it at him, laughing maniacally at his horror. He turned again to run, but suddenly came face to face with a glowing image of a bird-like Pokemon. Of course, it was much bigger than the average Swellow, had a much longer neck and was more white than blue. Edward realised it looked nothing like a bird; more like a dragon really. Something tripped on the tip of Edward's mind. He'd seen pictures of this Pokemon. What was it called again? The unconscious part of his mind noted that the wind and rain had calmed down. All was eerily quiet and still.

    All fear had nearly evaporated and Edward could tell this wasn't a regular dream. He felt conscious he even though he knew he was sleeping. He frowned. It didn't make sense.

    “Don't worry,” the dragon said in a playful young girl's voice. Its mouth didn't move, but Edward heard the words crystal clear in his head. The words acted as sedation; almost immediately Edward's mind was cleared of all suspicion and confusion. Everything seemed clear now.

    “You must listen to what I say, for it is the most important thing you will ever hear.” The voice didn't sound playful any more, but cold and serious. Edward didn't even consider protesting in his state of complete calmness. “There is a creature out there systematically attempting to wipe out every living creature in the universe for reasons unknown. Since the dawn of time this being has obliterated countless planets, reaped infinite souls. It did this by impersonating itself as an Ancient, a being you term as 'Legendary', and killing the Ancients one at a time in order to cause instability in the world. You have seen what happened when it killed Groudon, just imagine what catastrophes would take place when all of us are gone forever.

    “My brother has chosen you to be our saviour; I can detect his presence on you. He did this for reasons I cannot fathom. Perhaps he expected it to expect us to be with the 'elite' trainers, and thought you a good counter to this. You appear to be too ill-experienced in the ways of Pokemon training to be considered a target, but I don't know what his objectives were: connecting ourselves ina psychic fielf would alert the murderer to our presence. Anyway, we must request – no, beg you to capture us, to help make our presence unknown to it.

    “So,” she said, optimism now ripe in her voice, “any questions?”

    Even in his doped-up state Edward's head had buzzed with questions.

    “Who is the killer?” Edward mumbled. The dragon giggled a little, high-pitched laugh.

    “We don't know, silly!” the dragon said. “If we did, we'd do something, wouldn't we?”

    Edward focused his already razor-sharp mind. So, he was being asked to protect a dragon and her brother from a mystery genocidalist? How is that fair?

    “It's not,” the dragon said bluntly, still unnervingly optimistic. “But you have to, don't you? The ramifications of our deaths will still impact the world, though maybe not as much as Groudon and Kyogre's. For example, after Kyogre's death the seas will become still and all rainfall will stop. When Rayquaza itself is ready to flee, it may all be too - ” The voice broke of suddenly, as though not bearing to continue the train of thought. “Well, it would be disastrous for all life on land as well as the ocean and sky. Our deaths will be similar; we have a specific balance in nature, and disrupting it will be apocalyptic.”

    Edward was silent, processing the information. The order had rendered him unable to panic, but he could still understand the implications of saying no.

    “So, you chose me... just because I'm weak?” he asked, feeling just a bit sad. Talk about rubbing it in...

    “Well,” the dragon said, trepidation in its voice, “there may have been another reason my brother chose you. I can detect the presence of another Ancient on you; a presence I cannot identify. The scent is weak on you, but still there all the same. You must have encountered another Legendary before, therefore another Legendary trusts you. This makes you more reliable than any other-”

    Suddenly the city blinked out of existence to be replaced by unending darkness. After less than a second the desolate landscape returned.

    “You begin to wake,” the dragon said sadly. “I fear you may not recall this encounter. I have developed a psychic connection between us so we may communicate again. Just remember: you may be the only hope for my brother and me. Seek me out in Granite Cave on Dewford Island.”

    “Wait,” Edward muttered, feeling light-headed and confused. “What is your name, again?” The dragon giggled again.

    “Latias. And remember, meet me at Granite-”

    The dream ended.

    ***

    Two Hours Previously, Route 105

    The water started to boil, just under the spot, hundreds of metres away, maybe a kilometre away. The water tossed and turned, first gently but then more violently, when suddenly the ocean exploded. A massive green serpent shot out, and disappeared, spiralling high into the sky, through the hole in the clouds. As the tip of its tail disappeared, the clouds closed up, no evidence of the serpent remaining.

    Edward expected to hear as much panic as he was feeling. Because if that was... If it was really...

    Suddenly Edward noticed himself weakening, his consciousness
    seeping away. His vision wasn't blurring, his mind wasn't sluggish, but everything seemed to move further away, as though his mind was being drained away. He tried to fight to feeling, but he felt his legs buckling, his body lurching forward. He flipped over the rail, and fell. He never felt the impact. By then, he was too far gone.



    Latias hovered above the ground some five metres away, smiling happily at Edward in the dark city. Shock flowed through him as he recalled the last dream. The dragon seemed to notice this.

    “Don't worr-”

    “Stop!” Edward roared, throwing up his arms in protest. “Worry is good! Worry gives you rationality! Don't take it away from me!” Latias nodded and rose slightly higher into the air.

    “Okay then. We must move on to other matters.” The playful voice was gone once more. “You seem to be able to recall slight details of the dream, which is probably why you reacted in the way you did to Kyogre's death. As you have seen, Rayquaza is on the run and is soon to be killed. There is nothing we can do to prevent this. But you can still aid my brother and me, for the time being at any rate. Optimistically, we could just outlive you-”

    “Gee, thanks,” Edward muttered.

    “-or, realistically speaking, the killer will still detect and kill us after a while.”

    “And me?” Edward asked. The dragon tilted her head slightly.

    “It'll probably leave you alone,” the dragon said, and moved on to another comment before Edward could interject again. “But the point is that we don't have long to live... alone. My brother and I have formulated a new plan since I had last contacted you. We think that we could get some help to fight this creature from other Ancients, but only with your help.”

    “That's nonsensical,” Edward snorted. “Why can't you just get them to help by yourselves?” he asked. Latias shook her head.

    “Ancients are, as their names imply, ancient and stuck in their ways. They are extremely territorial and not very trusting, which is the main reason for why they constantly fight. If my brother or I were to ask, it would appear as though we are encroaching on their territory. But if you talk to them...” her voice trailed off.

    “So you want me to catch-”

    “Oh, no,” Latias said hurriedly, “catching them all would just lead the murderer to you quicker. You just need to convince them to help, to join our side when the time to retaliate arises.”

    “Okay, so you want me to sweet-talk a bunch of paranoid elites into helping you out? Oddly enough, I don't think it'll work.” Edward felt surprised he'd said that, although he was too angry to care. How could he be asked to do all this when there are thousands out there better qualified than he?

    “The Ancients understand one thing only; power." Latias went on, ignoring Edward's tone. "Please them in battle and they will heed your warning. After all, Ancients can be caught, as proven by your champion, correct?” Edward nodded. He recalled somewhere in the back of his mind that the Hoenn champion had Moltres in his team. “And you are truly the only one that can help. A psychic link like this requires much time and power and can never go away. If I tried to make such a connection with another my power would be so limited I couldn't even run when the killer turns its eye on me.”

    “What about your brother?” Edward asked desperately. Latias shook her head sadly.

    “He is too weak already and far too busy checking to see which Ancients are still with us. Who knows, an Ancient or two may have been felled when the world was fixated on Groudon's death.”

    Edward gritted his teeth. Why couldn't they have come up with this suicidal plan before he was chosen? Why wasn't there some sort of plan B? Why hadn't something been done sooner? He felt more livid than he had ever felt before, and he thought he was about to scream when the wording of the first part of the speech struck him.

    “What do you mean please them in battle? And I thought you said you chose me because I was weak, so why ask me to fight Legendaries?” Edward asked, voice tainted with outrage.

    “There is not a chance that you could possibly hope to defeat an Ancient. They don't have the limitations of regular Pokemon – you cannot damage them, only outmanoeuvre them for a small amount of time then be punished.” Edward's face turned white, anger dissipating. “We formulated this plan because you are weak but smart. That is why you are the perfect choice. You can travel the land, unafraid, but still recruit the Ancients by using your intellect, not brawn in battle. Intelligence is just as powerful as physical strength.”

    Edward's body felt paralysed with the enormity of the task he was being given. Latias sagged her head.

    “I feared you would react like this. But you must see that you must do this. If you do not, all that you care about shall be obliterated as though they never existed.”

    Edward felt hollow, like the smallest of breezes could send him flying. Fight a Legendary? With what, a Mudkip, Nincada and Zubat? All that you care about shall be obliterated as though they never existed. The words rebounded in his skull for what seemed like forever. Finally, they hit a nerve - the only tiny, irrational nerve that bolstered his resolution. After all, he reasoned, what am I living for anyway?

    “You can train them, of course,” Latias interjected, reading his mind. Edward nearly replied when he felt a tugging sensation on his stomach followed by instant light-headedness. He stumbled and fell to the wet, cold ground.

    “You are being rescued," Latias moaned. "When you awake you may forget again, but try to remember in the crevices of your mind to MEET ME IN GRANITE CAVE!” The last words were blasted at him with such force that his ears rung with those words until the world went black.


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 12th June 2012 at 9:03 PM.

  25. #50
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    That made sense and I remember some parts that didn't and now do. Great writing!



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