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Thread: The Legend's End

  1. #51
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    I now have another guess as to who the killer might be. One phrase gave me a major clue:

    Since the dawn of time this being has obliterated countless planets, reaped infinite souls. It did this by impersonating itself as an Ancient, a being you term as 'Legendary', and killing the Ancients one at a time in order to cause instability in the world
    This sounds very similar to a part of Giratina's Platinum Pokedex entry: It was banished for its violence.

    Giratina, the being of antimatter, was violent when Arceus first created it; I'm sure it was feared for wiping out entire cities and civilizations with its power. I think some of the reason it did this was because it questioned the authority of Arceus. Arceus, to counteract Giratina's violent behavior, removed some of Giratina's power, created the Griseous Orb, and weakened its attacking strength, thus making it less a threat to civilization. At the same time, Giratina was given its own world where it was the undisputed master.

    Then comes the second part of the Pokedex entry: It silently gazed upon the old world from the Distortion World.

    I'm sure Giratina is still very angry about Arceus taking away some of its power, so to get revenge on it, it's killing legendaries, causing disorder in the world, and evening out the odds of it winning.

    Of course, I could be completely wrong. Either way, I look forward to the moment when the killer's identity is revealed. Cool that Edward caught Latias, and good job referring back to everything. Now his fainting when Rayquaza shot out of the water makes a lot more sense.

    Keep up the good work!
    I will be less active as time goes on; I have many things to do to get into college and will be focusing on that, so if you don't hear from me for a while, just be patient. I will respond, but it may take some time.

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  2. #52
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    Hey, as it is 12 O'clock on April 1st it is time to reveal that this is an April Fool chapter. It is based on a Pokemon created by Dragonfree, so to understand the chapter fully it would be good to read the best piece of writing ever before or after reading this.

    This chapter is not a real chapter with no continuation or any reference in the future. Believing this chapter will earn you the name Silly-Billy, and will be hounded to the end of time by your own guilt.

    Obviously I'd never end it at only 10 chapters, or end it in such an offhand way. Enjoy!

    April Fool's!


    The murderer rose into the air, finally free of the restraints the salt-water had presented. It looked towards the sky in search of that elusive serpent. It saw nothing.

    The murderer found its thoughts wandering to the day it all began. The day it was born in the maelstrom of fire, ice, thunder and psychic energy...

    Mew, Moltres, Zapdos and Articuno had been playing at Articuno's place in the Seafoam Islands. It was in a particularly exciting game of tag that that they came across the elusive Mist Stone (which had materialised due to a glitchy, washed up itemfinder turning on and off one-hundred times). After attacking it in apparent 'self defence', some of the attributes of each of the Legendaries had been embedded themselves within a single being.

    The murderer was that being.

    It had power unlike any other. And it knew it too. It knew it could do as it liked, kill who it liked. It could erase the memories of everyone the trainer knew, even the trainer's parents, so for aeons it remained undetected. Then the scientists came. It knew its well-being was at stake. Then it realised – the only way to ensure personal safety would be to eradicate all threats. All beings.

    And so it started its mission, to kill everything everywhere.

    The killer sensed something behind it. Turning, it made out a small island a mile away. It took a deep breath. All this Legendary murdering was hard work.

    Time for some senseless small-scale killing.


    ***

    The world seemed dazzling when Edward exited the cave. Then his vision became clearer, and he felt like diving back into the hole.

    From his perch at the top of the island, Edward saw that the small, rocky landscape was more more of a wasteland than it had been previously. Ahead of him crater-holes littered the ground and the air smelled of ozone and burning. Then he noticed that the surrounding sea was glimmering with the sheen of a crystal... with a start he realised it was frozen solid.

    An earth-shattering screech filled the air, causing dread to pour into Edward's every fibre. He whipped his head around in search of the noise, when he saw it behind him.

    Towering high in the air was a creature that exuded more power than Edward could have felt possible for any living being. Edward found himself glued to the floor.

    It was a great bird, predominately lightning-yellow in colour, with a long, orange beak and quite a few odd features. First of all, its powerful looking wings were tipped with a frosty blue, matching the solidified ocean in colour. It had a similarly coloured six-foot long elegant ribbon that wafted in the wind behind it – a tail, as it appeared. At odds with this, it had a flowing fire streaming forcefully from its forehead – Edward could feel the heat from where he was standing. It also had two stumpy, black legs which ended with large, orange, three-toed bird feet, each toe connecting to a razor-sharp claw the size of Edward's head.

    Then Edward saw what it was doing. Its eyes were shining a luminescent pink, and before it many human figures hovered, each coated in a pink veil. None of them moved, each (metaphorically) frozen completely, when the bird blinked its eyes and the humans fell ten feet to the floor. None of them moved.

    Edward stared in horror at the freshly-made corpses on the floor. What had the creature done to them? Edward scanned the group for Nuria, hoping desperately that she wasn't there, that she had escaped.

    She hadn't. She looked wide-eyed at the sky, unseeing.

    Anger, rage, then outrage rushed through him. He gritted his teeth; clenched his fist; breathed raggedly. He faced the bird, and roared:

    “YOU MURDERER! EDWARD WILL KILL YOU TO DEATH!!!!!!” And he threw his Pokeball high into the air, where Latias appeared. In the time it took to form, Edward had whipped out his Pokedex and pointed it at the monster. It spoke in its soft, feminine voice:

    “Molzapart, otherwise known as Unodostres, species unknown. This is a mysterious Pokémon that is fire/electric/ice/flying/psychic-type and can know five attacks at a time. No data avaiable.” Edward was about to put it back in his pocket when it started to speak again,

    “If some trainer thinks he can capture it, nothing can stop it from killing the trainer and his Pokémon and use its psychic powers to make everyone forget the trainer, even his parents.”

    Edward furrowed his eyebrows, and briefly considered whether 'avaiable' meant something along the lines of 'available except for this next tit-bit of information as well as the previous information.' Then he remembered his anger and roared:

    “LATIAS, EDWARD SAYS USE-” but when he looked up he saw that Latias wasn't there, but several metres below on the floor surrounded by a coat of ice. His heart stopped and he saw Molzapart glaring at him menacingly. His anger left and was immediately replaced by dread. He turned to run but, being on top of a small mountain of loose rock, tripped over and skidded to the other side of the island. Cut, bruised and bleary-eyed, Edward staggered to his feet, picking up a rock as he did so, and started to stumble away, towards the ice.

    Suddenly Edward's feet couldn't feel the floor, and he noticed the world had gone pink and the sky was rushing to meet him. He turned slowly in the air, and found Molzapart mere metres away. Edward screamed as the great bird opened its beak to screech, and lobbed the rock - neigh – pebble at the monster. Edward could feel nothing but dread. He knew he was about to die, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. He saw his pebble sail pathetically towards the behemoth. He nearly chuckled. As though something so small could-

    It made contact.

    The explosion was gargantuan – fire blossomed everywhere for miles around, created a hellish dome of fire. The sound itself produced more force than a gigantic car crash. Edward felt himself falling, then nothing.

    ***
    Epilogue

    Edward awoke later, surrounded by anxious trainers. The second they sat up they started praising him and clapping him on the back. They said that after he had killed the Molzapart everybody had awakened as though nothing had happened, which everybody put down to the fact that Nuria was too essential to the plot to die in the ninth chapter, and that the G rating for this chapter couldn't possibly allow for all this death.

    Suddenly Latias was there too and said that Molzapart had been the killer all along, and now it was dead everything would turn honky-dory again. She gave Edward her Pokenav number, said goodbye and sped off into the horizon to reunite with her brother.

    The he saw Nuria. He felt so happy in that one second of seeing her he got on one knee and proposed immediately; she said yes and they abandoned their Pokemon journeys to got married there and then at the tender age of thirteen. The ring-bearer was Bayleef, who had forgiven Nuria for all her misdeeds and apologised herself. All the other Pokemon were released and went on to live happy lives of joy and happinessness. Then they went home.

    Finally, the weather patterns all over the world were cleared up because of the skilled ocarina-playing of a small girl somewhere near Johto.

    The End...


    Last edited by Scaldaver; 10th April 2012 at 11:42 AM.
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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  3. #53
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    Umm. Ok. Not what I was expecting. Good job



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    Hahahahahaahaha oh WOW. You greased us all up for this super-epic adventure and then pulled the rug out from under us brilliantly in this last chapter. I'm enjoying a great laugh at all of this.

    Excellent job, you little sneak, you got us good. Excellent job.

    The killer's identity was a nice surprise, and when it looked like Nuria died, I actually was pretty horrified. I have to admit though, it's hard to focus on much other than the hilarious surprise.

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  5. #55
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    Honestly, the ending disappointed me. The fictional Pokemon (Molzapart) in itself was all right, but other than that, everything in this chapter IMO was just... off. The story didn't seem to have any closure, and the ending abrupt. Latias with a Pokenav number? That's strange. Other than Edward, I thought Latias were timid around humans. And what about Latios? Why did he choose Edward? And where was he in all this? Both questions were never answered.

    Admittedly, I may be thinking this just because I am a logical person and prefer stories/movies intended to be written as an epic adventure having a satisfying ending, but still, I feel that there should have been more.

    The breaking of the fourth wall was kind of funny, though.
    I will be less active as time goes on; I have many things to do to get into college and will be focusing on that, so if you don't hear from me for a while, just be patient. I will respond, but it may take some time.

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  6. #56
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    April Fool's Day, everyone! Check the last chapter to get an update!
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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  7. #57
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    Groaning, he prised open his eyelids and saw a red circle in the middle of his view.
    Spelling error I believe. Should be 'Pried'

    A Pokemon of such power that it could atomize him with just intense concentration.
    Hah, I liked that

    “Defence. What do you think?” She rolled over again.
    Spelling error...'Defense'

    Outmanoeuvre
    Spelling...'Outmaneuver'

    Ah, English, well in that case. If the spelling errors I mentioned in this post or the previous are out of touch, it's only because I'm not familiar with what you were referring to when you said that you were English. I mean, I get what you were saying, but I don't know enough about how you spell your words to know the difference between those, and common spelling errors. Please be paitent with me and I will try and learn the difference.

    As for the chapter, nicely done. The illusion created by Latias was a nice touch, and I'm glad you added it. Although some part of me wanted the Sableye to be attacking the group, it probably does work out better that they were not haha. The plot is strting to thicken in an appealing way, although the explanation of the killer seemed somewhat rushed. Maybe it's just me, but I like to find out about something as eluive as this assassin over time, instead of having alot of info dumped on me at one time. Although, since Latias and her brother need Edward to understand what's going on so that he'll follow their plan, it makes sense. And btw, nice job on the explanation of the killer.

    “There is not a chance that you could possibly hope to defeat an Ancient. They don't have the limitations of regular Pokemon – you cannot damage them, only outmanoeuvre them for a small amount of time then be punished.”
    I liked that part quite a bit. As I was reading was written right before it, I could picture Edward about to psyche himself up to the challenge of capturing the Ancients. Literally standing taller and puffing up his chest. Just to have Latias be like, "No, moron. You don't have a chance at capturing them at all. You only captured me because I let you. You suck, now listen when I'm talking to you."

    Classic. Nicely done.

    I liked the chapter alot. Revealed some more plot, added some new characters, and established some clear goals for the future. I'm eager to see how Edward can bumble through trying to get the ancients on his side. The addition of Latias I'm still up in the air about. This can go several different ways, and I hope you make the best of it. She was well written, and I felt like I could connect with her. Just be sure to keep her grounded in a way readers can relate to, which is something I'm sure you can do.

    Great job!

    And XD on the April Fool's chapter. I glanced at it before you posted that it was a joke and was severely disappointed. I'm glad you decided to not end it there, as it would have ruined everything for me, especially when your fic has obvious promise. Nicely done, you fooled me for a few hours lol

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  8. #58
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    Thank goodness. You got me there. The only thing that was funny about all this was the breaking of the fourth wall.
    I will be less active as time goes on; I have many things to do to get into college and will be focusing on that, so if you don't hear from me for a while, just be patient. I will respond, but it may take some time.

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  9. #59
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    Pried - past participle of pry.

    Defence - English

    Outmanoeuvre is another spelling.

    I thought about drawing out info about the killer, but I realised that a) dreams don't last very long and b) too long an explanation and Edward could have died drowning. I have withdrawn plenty of information, but I think I've just given enough info present a quest and a good reason for it.

    I'm glad a few people got the joke, as, due to some of your feedback from it, I was afraid I'd lost some of you forever. Thankyou for your continued devotion!

    P.S and it is funnier if you read the Molzapart thing that Dragonfree wrote (at the top of the chapter). Yes, I'm a Dragonfree fan.
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  10. #60
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    Ignoring the April Fool's chapter (which I figured would've been a joke even if you hadn't updated it was because of how sloppily written it was, no offense xD), here's my review like I promised. I'll pass off on mentioning the grammar errors and some of the spelling errors because others have mentioned it before, and you do have a beta-reader (I believe, you mentioned it a couple of times). Especially since you have Dragonfree and Great Butler looking at this, so it'd be repetitive for me to point them out. And you have noticeable improvement (you aren't using beige prose as much like you have been in earlier chapters, that's a plus), so that helps a lot.

    I must say, you are full of surprises, yet are a quick learner. The first few chapters are "meh", honestly. We expect it to be a bit of a normal journey fic with the mention of some Legendaries fighting, and one killing the other. No biggie, right? Well, remembering the theory (canon or not, I can't exactly recall where this theory came from) about Legendaries keeping the world at bay, that was getting my hopes up for this being a really cool story. It's about Legendaries being hunted down during a journey fic, there has to be something epic going on here.

    Well, after about eight chapters, we learn Edward has been chosen to help the Legendaries. Now why? Latias didn't really explain why he was chosen, which is a risky move to take writing this. Without an explanation, we would be tempted to call Edward a Gary Stu (and a dull one at that). However, you established early on he and Nuria are rookies, and that they will be rookies for a long time. Their struggles do feel a little forced, but this has saved them from being called Mary Sues. The communications with their Pokémon, while normally a trait of a Mary Sue, is explained because they have taken classes to understand the language. This isn't new, actually, I do recall one other story where it was mentioned there were classes dedicated to learning the Pokémon speech. And you did mention this is an alternative universe, which does help pass it off as normal. And as time went on, the characters have been getting more and more fleshed out, so they are showing signs of likability. There is still room for improvement and addition, don't worry. These two have this charm to them I can't exactly describe, but it grows with each new chapter.

    I'm gonna go ahead and point out the usage of levels here. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with it. It's just taking me a bit to get adjusted to it. Personally, it feels a little weird for people to care about Pokémon reaching certain levels when we normally just watch them grow stronger and learn new techniques as time goes on. But since the PokéDexes are being used to keep track of it, I can't exactly complain. Just letting you know how I'm feeling about it.

    Now I like how you are keeping the killer's identity a secret. You have of yet to give clues as to what it looks like except that it is passing itself off as a Legendary. Now, I suspect Mewtwo to be the culprit (which would make sense), but the killer going down into the deepest trench was what strangled that suspicion of mine (that, and it's an alternative universe, Mewtwo might not have been created here). So it has to be something even stronger, though I'll back up overlordmewtwo's guess of it being Giratina. But even then, Giratina keeps track of the antimatter (which is important to the universe in itself) and does guide spirits to the other side. So even if Giratina's rage got a hold of it, it would know of its duties and not go out-of-control like that. But it has to be a canonized Pokémon, I would honestly be a little upset if it was a made-up Pokémon just for the story. Still, your story-telling would ease me down some, as it is entertaining and interesting.

    Oh yeah, the Pokémon are great, by the way, they each have their own little personality that tells them apart from one another. Zubat will have to be my favorite, there was something charming about his poor speech xD. And I giggled a lot when the three Nincada mentioned their secret alter. That is adorable.

    Overall, your first story isn't a disappointment in the least, and I'd like to see more. It's not the best I've seen, but the potential for greatness is there. I expect a mind-blowing climax when we reach it, you are getting better at writing and story-telling, it'd be a shame to see it falter.
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  11. #61
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    I actually fell for it XD;

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  12. #62
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    Well, it's been a while since the April Fools chapter, but here's the real chapter 10. Enjoy, and remember to post sme criticism!

    Chapter 10

    Abandonment


    The clouds whipped past the killer at lighting speed. Then it was above the clouds, high in the atmosphere where the sun shone harshly and brilliantly. It turned slowly in the sky, taking in the view in all directions.

    There! A speck of green in the distance becoming ever smaller. The murderer shot forward at supersonic speed, determined to catch up. Determined to kill.


    ***

    Edward's ears buzzed in the silence of the chamber as he concentrated on the memories reasserting themselves in his mind. After a minute he blinked and finally understood. His breathing quickened, becoming ragged as his vision began to swim. His arms and legs trembled as he came to a conclusion.

    I'm going to die, he realised, tears springing up in his eyes. Either by the Legendaries or by the killer itself. He found his thoughts wandering to his parents. His family. His friends. How would they react when he was discovered dead one day? Weep? Forget? After a few years would he be forgotten completely, just another name in an old newspaper?

    But the worst part was that he knew it was inevitable. He had to go on this mission, just to give the world a slim, minuscule chance at survival. A world he probably wouldn't be part of.

    Shut up! a small part of his mind protested in disdain. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You've got a job to do! Get to it!

    Edward rose shakily to his feet, taking sharp, painful inhalations of breath. He felt so weak, so pathetic. Why hadn't Latios chosen Nuria, with all her strength and stubbornness? He shook his head sharply. How could he wish such a fate on any other?

    “EDDY?” a voice bellowed from above, echoing ominously in the pitch-black tunnels. Edward's heart skipped a beat. Nuria? Speak of the devil...

    “EEEDDYYY?” Nuria bellowed again, louder than before.

    “NURIA!” he roared in reply, speaking for the first time in ages. Suddenly Edward felt another presence in the room, and suddenly the world exploded into light and colour. Dazed and disorientated, Edward couldn't process the sound entering his ears for a while. When his eyesight cleared, he saw Nuria holding him by the shirt, attempting to hold him up. Her face, filled with rage, was only centimetres from his own. Ralts stood behind Nuria, standing tall and straight, the grey rock a few feet above her head.

    “What?” he mumbled in his dazed state.

    “I said,” she spat, “what the hell happened? Ralts saved me from the Sableye, but couldn't go back for you. Apparently something was blocking her or something. She could detect something was down there, that it had something to do with a psychic connection or whatever. So, let me ask again. What happened down there to you? Why are you perfectly fine even though Zubat,” she moved to the left slightly to reveal a snoring Zubat on the floor, “has been asleep for the past five minutes up here on land when he was down there with us only minutes ago? What is going on?”

    Edward stared into Nuria's deep, fierce eyes, trying to formulate a reply. Could he tell the truth? No, you idiot, a small part of him chided, why get her killed too? The he realised. For her to survive, to live an easy life, she'd have to stay away from him. Edward's resolve strengthened as his face formed a mask of passive aggression, and he pushed Nuria's hands off him.

    “Nothing happened down there,” he said, an edge of anger in his voice. Nuria recoiled slightly, unused to Edward retaliating in such a way. “I have no idea why your strange little Ralts can't even Teleport straight, or why my Zubat decided to take a nap. But you know what? It's not your problem, so bug off.” He turned on his heel, took a Pokeball from his pocket, and made down to the base of the island, recalling Zubat into his Pokeball as he did so. He heard nothing behind him for several seconds, then the thundering of footsteps behind him. He felt a grip on his shoulder, then he was whirled around and found himself staring into the eyes of Nuria once again. But she wasn't as angry or hurt as Edward expected. She looked more worried, scanning his face intently for any sign to cause her alarm.

    “What happened to you?” she muttered softly, half a question, half to herself. Edward hardened his expression again.

    “Just get lost, Nuria. I can make my way by myself. Why don't you just make up your petty squabbles with Bayleef, take on the Gym Leader and just go on? I can make my own way on my own journey. I don't need – want you there to slow me down and keep bullying me.” At the mention of the b-word, Nuria's grip slackened, her eyes widening slightly. Edward turned and carried on walking several dozen metres to a large boulder, where he walked behind, crouched down, and started to cry softly.

    ***

    Nuria stood petrified in her place on the mountainside. Her, a bully? To Edward? The shock was too much. She considered following, but decided against it. And she had something to work out. Something had happened to Edward that he wasn't telling her about. And she intended to find out what. She whirled around and found her Ralts standing obediently behind her, gazing at her through her helmet.

    “What happened to him?” Nuria demanded. Ralts bowed slightly (which Nuria still found strange) then straightened up, and Nuria could sense her obscured eyes burrowing into her.

    “Whatever stopped me from Teleporting is in his pocket, most probably in a Pokeball. There is a strong psychic field around him, too. I can't read his mind or emotions. Something is blocking me from seeing what's going on. But I can tell this much: he is fairly confused.” Nuria sighed. Ralts was being as useless as always.

    “Okay, well return for now until it's time to battle.” As Ralts dissolved in red, she bowed slightly again. Nuria furrowed her eyebrows. What's all this bowing about? The grey rock seemed to dissolve too. Ralts must really like the rock or something, she thought.

    Nuria took out her second full Pokeball and threw it gently in the air. Bayleef materialised in white and immediately shook her head.

    “What it it?” the leaf Pokemon spat. Nuria held her glare at the dinosaur-like Pokemon.

    “We need to talk.”

    ***

    When Edward stopped the steady stream of tears, he wiped his face dry and looked out into the horizon. What had he just done? How could he do all this by himself? He patted the sides of his trousers, feeling the six Pokeballs in his pocket, two of which were still unoccupied. Three of which were occupied with regular Pokemon with their own hopes and dreams. Would it be fair to take them? He felt a pain in his chest as he imagined poor little Mudkip being tossed around fighting the beings of pure power. But how could he do this impossible task without them? Latias, though the strongest weapon in his arsenal, was completely useless in this quest.

    So, he wondered, where now?

    He narrowed his eyes as he realised that he had no idea where to go next. Where did the Legendaries live, anyway? Edward ran through all the possibilities in his head. Rayquaza? No, Latias said there was no point, and besides, the killer was probably hot on its trail. What other Hoenn Legendaries were there? Hang on, those mineral monsters, what were they called again? The Pegis? The Regons? He gritted his teeth. Okay, he thought, I'll just have to do a little research on Hoenn-

    He gasped as he realised the true magnitude of the mission. There weren't just Hoenn Legendaries that needed recruited, but Legendaries from everywhere else too. He'd heard a few legends from other regions – the stories of great birds, ferocious beasts and dangerous psychic beings. All of them? he thought, pulling on his hair in frustration, Every single one? Everywhere? Oh God...

    Suddenly he sensed a presence behind him; the indescribable feeling that he was being watched. He turned slightly and saw Nuria standing arms crossed behind him. Anger flashed in him for a second. Why wouldn't she just get the hint?

    “I know what you're going to say,” she began, cutting him off anything he was going to say, “and I have a proposition for you. You. Me. Battle. Whoever wins decides what happens next.”

    Edward snorted. “Yeah, right. If you win I'll just go anyway.”

    Nuria grinned venomously, baring her teeth at him. “Well, this plan is based on the fact that I can physically force you to do anything I want. The only defence you think you have is your Pokemon to protect you from me. I can get rid of your security, and then you'll have to tell me what's going on, or at least take me along.” At the end of the speech she cracked her knuckles, causing Edward to gulp. He knew she was right, he'd have to do as she said if he didn't have Pokemon to fend her off for him if she really wanted to come. Besides, he thought, all she has at the moment is Ralts. Three on one...why not?

    “Sure,” he said, grinning self-assuredly. He looked around. “Here's a good place,” he said simply, and threw a Pokeball into the air. Nincada appeared in a flash of white and his Pokeball bounced off the ground into Edward's hands. There's nothing Ralts can do against Nincada, he thought happily. Then he saw Nuria's Pokemon appear with a white glow.

    Bayleef?” he spluttered incredulously, Nuria grinning at the look on his face. Then Edward composed himself. It's fine, he thought calmly to himself. Nincada's a bug type. He had nothing to worry about here. Then he cringed as he realised the ground-type attribute of Nincada undid this, as well as the fact he didn't know any of Nincada's moves except Dig, which he knew wouldn't work in this case. As he stumbled to grab his Pokedex from his pocket, Nuria started with the first move.

    “Please use Razor Leaf!” Nuria yelled, and soon a maelstrom of of green leaves engulfed the insect. Edward could hear it cry out in pain.

    “Dig! And stay down!” Edward shouted, determined to stall for time. Finally Nincada's information had loaded: Level eleven... Edward scanned the screen until he found what he was looking for. Moves! He scrolled down and read them off: Dig, Scratch, Harden, Leech Life and Sand-Attack. Edward grinned. Leech Life could do some major damage, as well as heal Nincada itself.

    “Nincada,” he shouted, hoping the bug could hear him however deep he was underground, “come up and use Leech Life!”

    “Poison Powder, please!” Nuria shouted, and Bayleef opened her mouth and exhaled a dark purple cloud of poison which swirled in the air around the dinosaur. Suddenly the ground underneath Bayleef exploded, revealing Nincada who crashed into her. He then opened his one-toothed mouth and bit hard into the leaf Pokemon's side. He stayed biting for a few seconds while Bayleef tried to throw him off by tossing and bucking. But it hung tight as it drained the grass-type's blood, when suddenly it let go. Edward narrowed his eyes when he noticed the the Nincada breathing labouringly, coughing slightly. Poisoned.

    “Please do Razor Leaf again!” Nuria cried, and Bayleef flicked her head again toward the insect. Edward looked incredulously at the barrage of leaves seemed just as strong as before. The purple mist was still around, swirling around Nincada and the leaves.

    “Use Leech-” but before the command could be completed, with a cry of “Niiiin!” the insect fell and didn't move. The leaves stopped almost immediately and Edward recalled his Pokemon.

    It's so under-trained! Edward cursed to himself, Why didn't we spend more time training in the forest?

    Edward tutted as he threw out his only other Pokemon which could be of any use; Zubat. The bat materialised in a flash of white, then started to fly around the open sky, clearly confused as to his whereabouts.

    “Who? Where?” the bat muttered to himself. It suddenly struck Edward that the last thing Zubat would remember was the underground tunnels, but decided to tell him about it later. Now, a battle needed to be won.

    “Supersonic!” Edward shouted, and Zubat looked towards Bayleef, confused.

    “I must attack mine own comrade?” Zubat asked, bobbing up and down agitatedly.

    “Just do it,” Edward roared, “please!” Zubat nodded, which looked peculiar as half of Zubat's body was head, and screeched at Bayleef. As the bat was using the attack away from him, Edward knew he couldn't feel the full force of the harsh, agonising attack. Bayleef, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. It shook its head back and forth in an attempt to clear her head, wincing and crying out.

    “Bayleef, Razor Leaf in all directions,” Nuria shouted over the scream. “Please,” she added, then the leaves appeared again, flying randomly in all directions from Bayleef's head. They came slower and with more space between them, so Zubat easily avoided each of them.

    “Leech Life... on its back!” Edward cried. He reasoned that Razor Leaf could only hit in Bayleef's direct line of sight. In theory, anyway.

    Zubat swooped through the air, artfully dodging each of the sharpened tips of the foliage. Finally it landed on Bayleef's back, causing her to jump slightly and making her double the amount of leaves she shot from her head in panic. Zubat then plunged his small, sharp fangs into Bayleef's back, causing her to screech in pain.

    “Shake him off!” Nuria shouted. Edward felt it was a tad unnecessary, though, as Bayleef was already rolling on its back in order to shake off the creature absorbing its life essence in her confusion. “Use Synthesis!” Nuria yelled. Edward gritted his teeth as Bayleef started go glow bright white, similar to the glow of evolution. This had turned into a battle of stamina, he knew. The winner would be whoever kept their move up the longest. He knew Zubat was in a better position as he was dealing damage and healing itself, but... Bayleef was so much more powerful and was thrashing around so Zubat got flattened against the leaf Pokemon and the floor occasionally.

    Bayleef quickly became visibly exhausted, to Edward's confusion. Then he realised the problem – there was no sun to collect energy from. Nuria stomped her foot and roared:

    “Tackle!”

    Bayleef then ceased to glow and jumped on her back, crushing the bat underneath. But the healing the Leech Life did seemed strong enough to withstand this, as Bayleef kept struggling to alleviate the soul-absorbing sharp pain on its back, but to no use. The struggling became weaker and weaker until the dinosaur became motionless altogether. Nuria barely managed to suppress a roar, then recalled the unconscious grass-type. Free of its restraints, Zubat soared higher into the air, possibly stronger than before, filled with the blood and life energy of Bayleef. Nuria shot a glare at Edward, then threw her second Pokeball into the air. As Ralts appeared in a glow of white, the Pokeball bounced off the ground back into her hand. The stone still hovered high above Ralts' head, enveloped in blue energy. Edward raised an eyebrow. Wow. That's a lot higher than last time, he thought. He took a deep breath. He'd have to be very care-

    “Confusion!” Nuria screamed. Ralts nodded her head slightly.

    “Leech Life!” Edward shouted in desperation, but to no avail. Zubat froze in mid-air, a blue aura around it. It stayed motionless for a second; jaws open, wings outstretched, when suddenly it slammed seven metres down into the hard rock. Something broke in the collision, and Edward didn't think it was just rock.

    “Zubat?” he called. There was no reply.

    Edward cussed under his breath as he withdrew the bat. How strong is that thing? How could it take out Zubat in just one hit? At the other side of the mock arena Nuria and Ralts both punched the air in sync with each other. Nuria saw Ralts mirror her and squinted, confused for a second, before grinning again at Edward.

    Edward closed his eyes in concentration. Mudkip is weaker but faster, he knew, but he still felt hollow and drained. Did Ralts get all the power just by levitating that rock? Edward wondered, observing how, if anything, it had only risen slightly higher. It was still there, after all this time. All this time. A small idea started to form in the crevices of his mind.

    “Mudkip,” he yelled, throwing his Pokeball into the air, “use a continuous Water Gun!”

    As the mud fish began to form, Nuria issued a command too.

    “Confusion!” Nuria shouted. As Ralts started to bow her head, a high pressurised jet of water slammed into the feelings Pokemon, sending her flying. It didn't stop even when she hit the ground, the continuous stream of water pushing it across the rough rock as it spluttered helplessly. The Confusion attack hadn't taken place, just as Edward had predicted. After all, it had enough trouble focusing on the levitating rock and water jet for concentration on anything else. Edward started to grin. This is just too-

    “Teleport!” Nuria screeched, and instantly the psychic-type disappeared to a few metres behind Mudkip whilst he ceased firing at the granite floor. Before Mudkip could whip around, Nuria yelled: “Confusion!” before Edward could say anything. Ralts shakily lifted her head, the rock descending slightly from above. This confirmed Edward's suspicion: the rock levitation did wear Ralts out a bit! Unfortunately, Ralts was still strong enough to execute the attack, and Mudkip was soon enveloped in a blue glow, frozen with a look of surprise on his face. Ralts lifted one of her hands in an upward throwing motion and Mudkip flew sky-high. It froze in place about ten metres up, then, with more force than gravity could have possible supplied, Mudkip crashed down like a shooting star, shattering the rock where he landed.

    “Mudkip!” he shouted, shocked by the ferocity of the attack. He shouted Mudkip's name again when there was no response from the broken, bloodied figure.

    “Just...” came the agonising reply, “just a sec.” Edward saw one of Mudkip's legs twitch slightly, then, slowly, the water-type began to stagger to his feet. Edward could see the pain in his face as well as the fierce determination he had to keep going. Pity griped his heart for a moment, then released its hold as he realised his hopes for Nuria's safety was on Mudkip's health. He looked over at Ralts, who despite having laboured breath as well, looked far healthier than Mudkip. Healthy enough to use Confusion again. Edward's spirits sank. He knew there was no way to save this battle. He held up Mudkip's Pokeball with a shaking hand and recalled it, gritting his teeth. At the other end of the mock-arena, Nuria grinned.

    “Finally realised you can't possibly win?” she asked, triumphant, walking over towards him. Ralts sat down, breathing heavily, rubbing her head.

    Edward's mind started to race. What were his other options? Running? No, she's too fast. And where would you run to on this god-forsaken island? Fight? No, you idiot, she's far stronger than you. And you can't hit her anyway, she's your friend. Edward felt himself sweating as she got closer to gloat. What other weapon do I have? Then it hit him.

    “I'll tell!” he shouted as she neared to only two metres away. She froze, confused.

    “Tell on me for what?” she asked, arching an eyebrow. Edward grinned, to her discomfort.

    “You tell me! You, the girl who fled home, who embarked on a dangerous journey without her mother's permission! But they can't find you, can they? Why haven't they caught up yet?” Edward's train of thought sped up as Nuria's face hardened in a mask of hatred. “Where did you lead them, what red herrings did you leave? Where do they think you are, Kanto, Sinnoh? What if they got a tip-off? What if-” Nuria's fist caught him between the eyes before he saw it coming. He fell to the floor, momentarily blinded, scraping his elbows and palms on the rough floor. Suddenly he felt himself being pulled up by the scruff of his neck and heard Nuria's dark, hate-filled growl in his ears:

    “Well, you can't leave my sight then, can you?”

    Suddenly she threw him to the ground, Edward scuffing his hand again in darkness, confused and miserable. When the light returned, Edward saw Nuria glaring at him, far off near the other side of the island. Edward squinted. Was it him, or were Nuria's eyes all red and puffy? He also noticed that Ralts was sitting at her feet, patting Nuria's feet in comfort.

    Edward exhaled, barely keeping the tears from springing up. He turned away from Nuria, facing the boulder. What now?

    Edward forced the thoughts from his head and turned towards the ocean. He couldn't find comfort in the soft shhh of the ocean, or watch the gentle, calming roll of the waves. They were gone, perhaps forever. Edward narrowed his eyes at the though. With Groudon dead, would there never be sun again? If there was no Kyogre, would there be no more rain or movement in the ocean for all eternity? How could life possibly survive? he wondered. What good would this quest be if everyone would just die anyway?

    He found himself thinking back to his earlier thoughts, the thoughts which had been previously interrupted by Nuria. Where were those Legendaries he was told to recruit? I need a library, he cursed. Frustrated, he pulled the bright pink Pokedex from his pocket, scrolling through the settings. Map? Where's the map section? Miraculously, through all the nonsensical apps and needless options, Edward found the words HOENN MAP printed in bold halfway down the menu, and pressed it with his forefinger. A large map showing all of Hoenn's land masses and water ways sprung up immediately. After a few minutes of tinkering, Edward found what he was looking for: the largest library was in Slateport, just a ferry-ride away. Sure, there was a smaller one in Petalburg, but why risk not getting all the information? Why waste more time?

    Of course, he'd have to ask the boat-man when he could leave, and then Nuria would be onto him. I'll just have to risk-

    Suddenly Edward felt fatigue wash over him and his consciousness began to waver. He felt himself slump sideways, his arm suddenly being unable to support his weight. His eyelids began to droop involuntarily, and he found himself still on the floor.

    Less than a second later, he was unconscious.

    Last edited by Scaldaver; 10th June 2012 at 12:42 AM.
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  13. #63
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    Good chapter. Only one mistake to point out, though: where's Dig on Nincada? Its moveset was Scratch, Harden, Leech Life, and Sand-Attack. Whatever happened to the "altar" that Nincada had used to learn the move Dig? Did Edward decide to remove the move, or is that just a mistake on your part?

    Either way, keep up the good work.
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    Not too bad a chapter, not a lot happened, but at least we got to see a battle between Edward and Nuria. (Rather short, but I that does make sense since he is under-leveled.) The only mistake I saw was this (since overlordmewtwo pointed it out):

    to fend her off for him if she [I[really[/I] wanted to come.
    Your fingers must've slipped there.

    I'm also curious about the rock Ralts has. I think it's a hold item that boosts Psychics or something, I'm just guessing here. Zubat's little confusion made me giggle a little bit x3. Hope he didn't break anything too vital. And we're getting a little bit more information on Nuria, but it wasn't enough to explain her actions. We may get this in a few chapters, probably.

    You're doing fine, Scaldaver, keep it up.
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    Thanks for the corrections, Overlordmewtwo and Kutie Pie. Originally I was reading Nincada'a moveset off Bulbapedia, and, surprise surprise, Dig isn't there at lower levels (somehow). And, yeah, I've started to do the whole Italics/Bold/Underlined thing in the [] in my work so it is easy to paste it onto the website so it carries over. I guess I messed it up a bit, though

    Thanks for all the feedback, and I'll try and get the next chapter up ASAP!
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  16. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Thanks for the corrections, Overlordmewtwo and Kutie Pie. Originally I was reading Nincada'a moveset off Bulbapedia, and, surprise surprise, Dig isn't there at lower levels (somehow). And, yeah, I've started to do the whole Italics/Bold/Underlined thing in the [] in my work so it is easy to paste it onto the website so it carries over. I guess I messed it up a bit, though

    Thanks for all the feedback, and I'll try and get the next chapter up ASAP!
    Do you use the brackets while writing, or when you're ready to post it up? I'm sure it's more of a personal preference, but I'm sure quite a lot of us do this where we write it out, and before we post it up, go through the chapter and insert the brackets. I don't save it as a copy, though, since it doesn't take me that long most of the time to put in the brackets. But every writer is different, what you may be doing isn't wrong at all.

    Don't you start rushing over your chapters now, you hear?
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    Sorry I didn't get around to betaing again; I've been very busy.

    One mistake that jumped out at me:

    “I know what your going to say,” she began
    Since it's short for "you are", that should be "you're", not "your".

    It's always nice to see your general ambitiousness with character development; your characters are reacting to things emotionally and being people instead of just accepting whatever happens to them, and Edward trying to push Nuria away to not get her involved, as well as Nuria's reaction showing how much she actually cares about him, were really fun to see. I did feel Edward's emotional breakdown now compared to how relatively calm he was with the whole thing in the previous chapter was a bit jarring, though. True, people accept things more easily in a dream, but that's more on the rational level than the emotional; you have Edward asking all sorts of critical questions about the plan, implying his critical thinking is fine, while the emotional punch doesn't seem to hit him at all until afterwards, and that seems kind of backwards.

    Nice battle, too - you kept up the interest well with Edward's thought process and strategizing and the Pokémon were doing more specific things than just using move X or Y, which made the whole thing a lot more dynamic.

    It would have been fun to see Nuria's conversation with Bayleef, but I'm assuming how they made up will be expanded on later.

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  18. #68
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    Thanks everyone for the feedback, I find it so useful considering I want to be an author. I'm afraid that, due to a holiday, GCSE revision, Astronomy work and my Duke of Edinburgh Award, the next chapter won't be up for a long while (I'll specify later).

    To keep us all entertained 'til then, I shall pose a question. What does Nuria and Edward look like to each of you? It'd be interesting for me to find out.

    TTFN!
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 24th April 2012 at 6:38 PM.
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  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Thanks everyone for the feedback, I find it so useful considering I want to be an author. I'm afraid that, due to a holiday, GCSE revision, Astronomy work and my Duke of Edinburgh Award, the next chapter won't be up for a long while.

    To keep us all entertained 'til then, I shall pose a question. What does Nuria and Edward look like to each of you? It'd be interesting for me to find out.

    TTFN!
    To me, they look like some people that would normally never talk to each other. That also means that they'd make the perfect couple! Can't wait for more story!



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    Quote Originally Posted by cooloolcool View Post
    To me, they look like some people that would normally never talk to each other. That also means that they'd make the perfect couple! Can't wait for more story!
    Thanks for the positive input, but what I meant was what do they physically look like to you. I added no description so you can build them up as you want, and I thought it would be interesting to find out what impression some people get of them.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Thanks for the positive input, but what I meant was what do they physically look like to you. I added no description so you can build them up as you want, and I thought it would be interesting to find out what impression some people get of them.
    Oh. Then I think of Edward as a not-super-skinny-but-thin sort of guy. Not super tall either, but not a dwarf.

    Nuria, well... umm... I just don't know how to describe that.



  22. #72
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    In my head, Edward looks like the male player character from HG/SS. Nuria looks like the female player character from Black and White. Most trainer fic characters end up looking like one of the playable characters from the games in my head, even if there is description.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
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  23. #73
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    Only a brief review this time, I've begun feeling not well again.

    This chapter did a good job showing us the emotional toll the sheer magnitude of the mission is taking on Edward, and how it's affecting his behavior. When you shifted into the battle scene, you remained consistent.

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  24. #74
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    Well, because of the Astronomy, Biology, Chemistry, Spanish, French and Duke of Endingburgh, the next time a chapter will be up will be some time at the beggining of the summer holidays. I'm so sorry it will take so long, and will do some writing in my free time, but I'm afraid I have to ask you all to be extremely patient until then.

    Thanks for understanding, and TTFN.
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  25. #75
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    Well, its been a long time but I've started writing again. Ok, that's not the only reason I'm posting this. It's also that I can't find this fanfic in the forums and when I searched it nothing came up.

    I'm hoping the next chapter to have some more emotional content, although until the proofreading comes back I won't know how effective that is.
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