Please don’t ask me how this came into being. I was sick, and home from school, and bored. Instead of being a good little author and writing the next chapter of my fic (I did do this, don’t bite me readers!), I rummaged through my families video collection, and drew out a dusty copy of ‘Mewtwo Strikes Back’ that we bought, coverless, in a supermarket for ten bucks. I decided to watch it. After watching the film, I saw a few things wrong with it (dub and non-dub!). I decided to write a review on the movie, in a sarcastic style. So here it is, my ‘humour’ review of Pokemon: The first movie. Now, I don’t want anyone going all crazy and getting offended; I loved this movie. I thought it really had magic. And yes, I’m going all nostalgic, SHUT UP. I had tears in my eyes! (Okay, maybe I can blame that on the antibiotics and the music. No, not the pop songs. The classical music. Especially that piece from the credits of Mewtwo Returns; my god, that song…*weeps*) AHEM. Back on track now. So yeah…here is my spur of the moment, full of C-R-A-P review. Be warned, it is in serious detail. Enjoy! ^_^
Now, to listen to that music…seriously, has anyone actually heard it? WHOAMG. It’s so beautiful…
Okay, I’ll stfu.
Typhlogirl’s Humour Reviews– Pokemon: The First Movie
Also known as ‘Mewtwo Strikes back’, or ‘Let’s contradict ourselves!’
Our story begins with a rather pointless short film, which is of no consequence to the actual plot. Pikachu and companions go and have a lovely little vacation in a theme park, where they get up to all sorts of delightful mischief, which includes vandalism, explosives, and Charizard getting it’s head stuck in a pipe. Due to its complete lack of purpose, this short will be disregarded from this review, since the author cannot be stuffed to write about it.
Our real story begins with some shots of a group of people crashing through a rather pleasant jungle. One man, presumably some sort of professor, is explaining about why they are there. They want to find an ancient temple dedicated to Mew, built by some ancient civilisation. Nameless professor (they never name this guy!) says that Giovanni is financing the mission because he wants Nameless professor to make him a super clone of Mew, the most powerful pokemon in the world. (Giovanni? Wanting power? Impossible!). But NP says he personally wants something more. Well, after that enthralling monologue, we are brought to the temple. The group of people find a tablet of Mew in a rather amusing pose. They then see a shadow of Mew. Everyone gasps, turns around. Unsurprisingly, there is nothing there. Cut to a tent.
The group manages to find a ‘Mew fossil’. It is glowing green. How did they find this? Where did they find this? What is it? An eyebrow? Eyebrows don’t look like that. And how could they get it if Mew is watching them through a slit in the door, looking quite alive? Was there a Mew before this Mew? Answers to these questions are sadly never given, so we presume that they just found it in the temple somewhere. NP starts monologuing again. He says he wants to find the meaning of life itself. The viewer wishes him luck with that. Mew flies off to a pretty mountain.
The next few scenes are filled with rather impressive scientific instruments and processes. More shots of the ‘eyebrow’. Mew has very strange eyebrows, apparently. Black out to the Kids WB logo bouncing into view from the darkness. Then Nintendo does its thing. And oh wait, now comes 4kids. Now we just know this movie will definitely be something special! Bubbles…bubble. Underwater? A circle of light appears, and some moron starts gabbling about life. We wish he would just shut up so we can listen to the creepy echoes behind him. Shots of Mew swimming through seaweed. Now it’s that damn mountain again. We now realise the creepy echoing voices are saying ‘What am I?’ and similar phrases.
Shot to more bubbles bubbling. But these bubbles are different. They are brown. Shot to a view of an eye opening. The owner of the eye asks where he is. He then starts mumbling about his dreams, and asking why? No-one answers. He goes back to sleep.
Shot to a view of the camera rolling up a creature suspended in liquid. Many wires are attached to him. He is asleep. Most realise that he was the one inquiring before about his dreams. Some person starts blabbing about the creature’s brainwaves. More excited voices join this one, until we have a plethora of excited little professor voices talking about scans and similar things. ANOTHER SHOT OF THAT BLOODY MOUNTAIN. Followed by shots of Mew swimming. The creature mumbles about the voices. This author agrees with him; the professors are very annoying. The creature mutters about how he wants to be outside. His eyes starts to glow, and he cracks apart his glass container. The professors, unconcerned by this bit of vandalism, instead crowd around in excitement. The creature and the head professor, the one from the jungle, have a nice chat about how they made him (the creature I mean, who’s name we discover is Mewtwo.) Nameless professor gabbles about how the serious testing is going to begin now that Mewtwo is awake. The scientists start shaking hands and feeling good about themselves. Mewtwo is a bit miffed that no one cares about him.
Mewtwo wonders about his purpose, and decides to lay waste to the laboratory in fine explosive style. He blows it up using his blue psychic energy. A man and a Persian sitting in a helicopter that is hovering over the island that the lab is situated on watch this mindless destruction. The man is smiling. The viewer fails to see the joke. Mewtwo then says ‘Behold my powers!’. This is rather pointless, considering everyone is dead. The helicopter lands (amongst the flames, might I add.) The man (Giovanni), gets out and walks through the flames to where Mewtwo is standing in a clearing. He tells Mewtwo that he can help him control his powers. Mewtwo agrees to go with him.
Mewtwo gets some shiny armour attached to his body in TR’s base. Mewtwo asks Giovanni about his purpose in life. Giovanni then states that it will become clear in time. Shot to a Gym Battle, Mewtwo vs. an Onix. Mewtwo wins by sending the rock pokemon into a wall. He then excitedly exclaims that this is his power, which is confusing, since didn’t he use his power to blow up the lab? He then beats up a herd of Tauros, and a Nidoking and Arcanine. He wonders why he is here.
Mewtwo is standing in his armour, connected to some machine. He is still wondering about his purpose. Giovanni then comes and says that his purpose is to serve his master, because that’s what he was created to do. Mewtwo doesn’t like this. He throws a hissy fit, blows up the base and flies away, back to the island where he was created, shedding his armour as he goes. Mewtwo then looks out to sea and sees THAT DAMN MOUNTAIN AGAIN!! WHAT IS WITH THIS MOUNTAIN?! WHY IS IT HERE? The mountain disappears. Mewtwo wonders what his true reason for being is. He then gets grumpy and emo, and decides to become king of the world.
The author must now state that the first part of the movie was actually very good, and thought provoking, no matter how she interpreted it here. But now the three main characters are coming in. So whatever purposeful beauty this film had at first (and there was a lot, the music was wonderful) is now lost. Damn. It had such potential ;_;
Well then. The annoying narrator comes in and tells us that A, M and B are taking a short break. Ash is complaining about how he is hungry. Pikachu falls off a cliff. Togepi laughs. Misty yells at Ash. Ash whines that he hasn’t eaten since breakfast. For some reason, Misty takes pity on him. Brock is making stew.
Some random trainer comes up and challenges Ash. He is miraculously recovered. Battles starts, Ash’s Bulbasaur vs. a Donphan. Bulbasaur gets beaten up, then launches a Solar Beam, knocking out Donphan. Hooray. Ash pats Bulbasaur. Now it’s Ash’s Squirle vs. a Machamp. Somehow, Squirtle manages to beat it with Bubble. No, not Bubblebeam, Bubble. WTF. Random trainer is understandably distressed. He grabs three Pokeballs, and hurls them out. A Golem, a Pinsir and a Venomoth emerge. Pikachu comes into battle (yes, it had crawled up the cliff), and fires a Thunder. All three pokemon are knocked out. But a Golem? HOW? Golems are immune to electric attacks! Having a special soft spot for Golems, this author is quite distressed at this. But Pikachu can, like, beat anything because its like, uber, so its okay ¬¬. Ash wins the battle. Random trainer screams in horror. The audience wants to join in.
Ash does his victory dance. His pokemon jump all over him. Typical clichéd shot of him and Pikachu, seen in the…binoculars…of Team Rocket, who are watching from a cliff. Ah, the original Team Rocket. Back when they actually had a purpose other than to grab Pikachu. *sniff* Sorry, back on track now. Team Rocket argues about rare pokemon. James wants to eat Pikachu’s food. Infuriating shots of the group eating. Really quite unnecessary and very annoying. These shots are suddenly seen in the camera of some Fearow that’s randomly hovering overhead, spying on them. It probably wants to eat Pikachu’s food too.
We shoot to a shot with Ash and Pikachu being seen in the screen of some…room? Can’t really describe. There is the back of a chair. A woman dressed head to toe asks the chair if it would like an invitation sent to these trainers. The chair does not respond. Somehow, the woman seems able to communicate with the chair, since she bows and states, ‘As you wish.’
Rather excited classic music starts, and there’s a shot of a tower. Suddenly, one of the windows of the tower opens, and a Dragonite jumps out. Lovely shots of the beast soaring around. It sends Team Rocket flying, and crashes into the group of main characters, also sending them flying. Fun. Unperturbed by the damage it has caused, the dragon pokemon turns around and gives Ash a letter. Inside the envelope is a disc that plays a hologram of the chair-woman. She invites them to come and meet her master, the world’s greatest pokemon trainer. This is a chair we are talking about. Indeed. Ash, of course, accepts the invite, and Dragonite flies off. Jessie bashes it in the head with a frying pan.
Back to the room with the chair and the screens. Close up on the chair. Suddenly, a hand extends from it, bearing great resemblance to Mewtwo’s. An assertive viewer realises that this is Mewtwo, the woman’s master. Damn. I wanted the chair. Mewtwo waves his hand around, and a storm starts. Don’t you wish you could do that?
Shot to underwater. On the seabed, there is a small bubble. Inside the bubble is Mew. Mew wakes up, floats to the surface, pops it’s bubble, and flies away. Hooray.
Mewtwo opens his eye, and continues to wave his hand around (his hand is glowing blue by the way). The storm worsens. Lotsa waves everywhere. The waves crash into a marina. We see the main characters running in the rain, to a pokemon centre, filled with rather aggravated pokemon and their stressed out trainers. The harbour manager comes in and says the ferry is cancelled. Everyone is understandably peeved by this news. The harbour manager (who is clearly some kind of hippy) tells them a story of a really bad storm that killed lots of pokemon. No-one really listens to her. Some hotheads decide to swim to New island instead. On their pokemon, of course. Did you seriously think that they were going to swim in Mewtwo’s storm? Of course you did. Officer Jenny tells them that the Nurse Joy is missing. Brock looks at the poster of her and says she looks familiar. Of course she looks familiar. There is a bloody NJ in every damn city they visit; one would assume Brock would find her familiar.
Some trainers take off to the island. There are four of them; a guy on a Pidgeot, a chick on a Dewgong, a guy on a Gyarados and some person on a Fearow. Remember this now, it will be important later. Officer Jenny tries to place them under arrest, harbour manager says something about them being pokemon masters. I prefer to call them idiots, but whatever. There’s a shot of the Gyarados, and the Fearow. Ash and co. run to the end of the dock, and Ash gets depressed because his pokemon are too pathetic to swim in the storm. Then, suddenly, a Viking ship rows up to them. Does anyone find this just a little suspicious? Of course not.
The Viking’s speak. They say they will take them to New Island. Ash and co, being the gullible fools that they are, enthusiastically jump into the rickety, wooden ROW BOAT and go into the storm. Then comes what is probably the best line in the entire movie; said by the female Viking *coughJESSIEcough*. “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Ugh, I think I’m gunna have one!”
THAT’S PRICELESS, THAT IS. But onward we must go.
Well, out in the storm, being rolled around like lotto balls, the trio suddenly get doubts on this boats ability. About time kiddies. Female Viking assures them that they will come to no harm. Then Mewtwo decides to dump a wave on them. A ten metre high wave. The Viking’s get their Viking clothes washed off. GASP! OMG! They’re actually Team Rocket! WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED??! *head slap* Amazingly, the trio is amazed by this. Morons. Being Team Rocket, the three immediately start to recite the motto, till they are washed overboard. Thankfully, mind you. They are soon joined in the water by our favourite trio. Everyone is being swirled around. What’s going to happen? No doubt you already know, but I’m going to stop here and piss off all the people who don’t. >=)
Anyway. So that’s Part 1 of my humour review. More parts will come soon! And yes, I am full of crap. ^_^ And yes, it should be a bit longer, but posting all the parts at once would be too long. I'm a pain. Hooray.