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Thread: Tempest [NCTH/World Turns fic] PG13

  1. #26
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    Any Self-Respecting Dragon Tamer
    Should self-respecting be capitalized?

    Several unevolved Dratini stayed on the ground, joined by Bagon, Axew, and Druddigon and related flightless evolutions of the former three, all ready to take the fight to the Grunts.
    I feel like the 'and' between Axew and Druddigon should be taken out, as well as a comma added after Druddigon

    On command, Moonlight dashed across the battlefield. “Round up a few strong trainers and bring them over here.” The Umbreon furled his brow at me. “Yes, I know we’re tight on those, be stingy where you pull from.”
    ‘Breon’. He told me and dashed off.
    Line needed between where he ended, and Umbreon began speaking

    “More than a bit, but we need the room.” Kik-kit.
    The first time he called Umbreon, 'Kik-Kit' was in italics. was there a reason when he called Espeon that it was not?

    Wes glared at me. “We need a Peace corps,
    I think it would read better if both peace and corps were capitalized, or they both were not.

    Not tow words into my explanation
    Did you mean towards? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm not reading it correctly lol

    Like the flicker of a candle, it dawned on the Rayquaza where he was and what was going on. I am not protecting this world, I am endangering it.
    ---A crack formed in the Green Orb, and that was all it needed. All at once, the shaman voodoo magic that so few understood and held faith in expanded rapidly as a boiler explosion would. Emerald slivers shot through the air at high velocities; they sailed through bodies, embedded themselves through ceilings and floors of stone, sliced through tombstones, and even rooted themselves firmly into the core of the Red and Blue Orbs.
    That was really well described. Damn well described actually. I closed my eyes and imagined it after I read the paragraph, and it played out just as you wrote it. Gore was pretty prevalent in my head. As anything that sharp and moving that fast would leave alot of it.

    something ",Ah, make that confiscate."
    Misplaced comma?

    All in all, very nice chapter. I think you said in your VM to me that the battle turned out longer than you expected? If so, I think it works really well. I love reading longer battle scenes. Sometimes the quick, one-two punch ones are fun, but what you were describing and how you were writing it fit the situation perfectly. Great job on that, and I hope to see more.

    Garvantula making the tent, the triage center, healing the Pokemon immediately, were all things that would be integral in a large scale battle. Tending to the wounded, and placing guards there to guard the wounded while they were being cared for, was really realistic and a very nice touch. That would definately be going on in any situation like that. I see a lack of thinking in some fics when it comes to large scale battles, and but you nailed everything about one that I would have thought of. Good job!

    I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  2. #27
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    yich, and I thought I was doing so well on grammar. I'll get those cleaned up now.

    Did you mean towards? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm not reading it correctly lol
    Try that again as

    "Not two words into my explanation..."
    The first time he called Umbreon, 'Kik-Kit' was in italics. was there a reason when he called Espeon that it was not?
    Yep, beacues I get so used to typing these up on Serebii, where hitting CTRL+I will put the italics brakets in automatically. In MS Word, thsi will automatically italicize a word, but it does not put in the bracekts that Serebii needs to know to italicize that phrase. Teh second time, I was simply too caught up in writing and didn't catch what I'd done...

    ---
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  3. #28
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    Author's Note: This chapter marks the falling action. There's one more chapter after this and an epilogue.

        Spoiler:- NCTH tie ins:


    ---
    back a chapter?

    Shouts came from two directions behind me. I whirled around to my right, fearing the worst: Rayquaza was stirring. Understandably, Regirock and several trainers were standing in defensive stances, ready for another round if needed. Nothing came though, nothing but a yawn and a few blinks, the medicine was working. So I checked the other side of me, where Wes was screaming at a group of people.

    "Deserters." He grunted and huffed through gritted teeth. "Short-sighted, cowardly, deserters."

    "Gone to find what's left of their homes?"

    "Probably."

    "If they find nothing left, they'll come back. If they do find something worth protecting, then may God and Arceus both grant them the strength and longevity they need."

    Wes still rolled his eyes. The hero's curse, seeing failure in those who cannot face a larger destiny.

    No, that's not right either. It's a different destiny. I must remind myself as well. "Come Wes, those who'll march with us need leadership.

    “Glover, I must encourage an alternate way. Perhaps we could take what’s left of their trucks?”

    “If you can convince them, that’s fine by me. We’ll need drivers though, and I didn’t want to pile them back into the same kinds of rigs that I would assume brought them here.”

    “Fair enough, but it will speed us on, and maybe we can bluff our way in as reinforcements from Petalburg across that small river. Hopefully, by the time they figure out who you really are, you and we can be halfway to the dock, and we can get you the rest of the way, or just turn and ram our selves back out again.”

    “I’ll leave you to it then. good thinking, although perhaps it would be easier to get the cover fire out of the compounds if they were never inside. ”

    “You mean just like we did here? Do you think it will work twice?”

    “We can only hope.”

    There was doubt amongst the survivors as I stepped between united families, trainers and their Pokémon, people still looking for, or crying over, loved ones. Some legitimately had been moved to other camps, Fortree and Rustboro for example, and could give possible hope. Only those above us knew how many of them were alive, and how many people down here were clinging to that hope that maybe their own had been moved.

    Rayquaza stirred again, then slowly lifted off the ground. Regirock, recognizing the control on its fellow legendary was gone made an off that the lizard hesitantly accepted. Regirock swung up the serpent’s powerful neck, and like a great Dragon Rider, the two circled us low and banked, one last salute to say thank you, then shot off towards Mt. Chimney and Groudon.

    Everyone seemed to take that as a sign, more so than the urging of those who knew we needed to be moving out as well. In another ten minutes, we were all standing and piling into the backs of trucks. Wes and Rui would take one each, though where she learned to drive a three axle transport I’ve no idea. It was decided though that she and I, as well as two gentlemen from Mauville would be taking those who were fleeing the country. Diana volunteered herself and Butler, since they used to drive their show truck, Nob took the one holding the Fallarbor Minutemen, and the last four were taken up by guys who drove supply rigs for a living. Truthfully, Wes was once again upset at his young wife for volunteering herself, and I really couldn’t blame him, but I needed someone who was strong and not required for directing. Show business was a good teacher of that, and Wes seemed to have a knack for direction as well, and a cool head under pressure.

    Butler and Flannery both ditched their loading positions when they saw I wasn’t taling to anyone, and came up hurriedly. The magician took my arm and nudged farther ahead of the pack that was loading themselves into the trucks so as to not be overheard.

    Flannery pulled her phone out again. "We have a problem." She told me.

    "Oh?"

    "You remember this?" She handed me her phone again, and I tapped a key to relight the screen.

    "Yes, I do. You showed me that picture of a freakin' huge Groudon once before."

    "Well, yes, but Butler here seems to know quite a bit more. You see..."

    "My cue, miss. You see, Glover, that's not a Groudon, that's my Groudon, the Groudon."

    "That's a flashy intro, but how about you skip to the grand finale here where we all know what's going on."

    "Show biz metaphors. A little rocky, but I like it. Very well. A long time ago. It was before I became a full-time magician, I was a scientist for Team Magma. I had some wild hair that I would resurrect a Groudon from an ancient fossil. "

    "This, sounds like asking for trouble."

    "It's worse than that. I failed."

    "Failure is good here."

    "It would have been, but I resolved to do better and I finally did resurrect something. I thought it was a failure then too; some monster that was absorbing living Pokémon for its own life."

    "May I ask, what did you use to resurrect it, besides the fossil?"

    "Jirachi, and the Millenium Comet’s energy."

    "You idiot!" flannery and I both chortled.

    "Yes, well, I deserved that. That's why I disappeared after the Millennium Comet. But from what Miss Flannery tells me, I had succeeded, or had done mostly so. That creature that now lives and the one I made are the same height, and what she tells me is that Magma needed live genetic material for the Groudon to grow from, the fossil fragment was simply not enough material. Mine was trying to absorb such from the world around it; through the Comet’s energy and the way Jirachi puts it into the soil around Forina to fill that void of missing genetic material. Although, it’s more than likely that that process had been corrupted."

    "Okay. That's nice. I need an Act Two here. Why then did you and Magma make a Groudon the size of a skyscraper?"

    "Very well, we'll skip intermission. See, I found something rare. The Groudon and Kyogre both that we know of today evolved darwinianly as keepersor tenders of the world. They have enough power to make relatively small changes to the local area, but not what the legends tell of. They didn’t need the sheer size and power to do what amounted to gardening and balancing. It was the original two that started it all, that the alpha-Rayquaza of the time tried to smash with a chunk of the heavens. That's what my fossil was from, and what Magma now has managed to create again by merging it with the Orbs. From what little info Flannery and I have, we've compiled a likely similar scenario for Kyogre as well."

    "I'd love to know where the Teams found that kind of genetic science basis, but it sounds good. So what kind of range are we talking here then?"

    "We don't know for sure." The redhead told me. "But from what Butler knows from researching the legendaries, we should still be alright as long as we are ahead of their weather. But it's safe to say that Groudon could lift a large county to the heights of Mt. Coronet easily."

    "So we easily need to not try to take him or Kyogre on without an insane force of people from a very long distance. Or in other words, Hoenn is screwed, Archie and Maxie or no, and my little pep talk may well have been a death sentence." I surmised.

    "Yeah, something like that, unless the League has something up their sleeve."

    "I'm sure they have all kinds of rare and untold tricks. Regardless, thank you for the info."

    “Of course.” We proceeded back to the trucks we were taking. I found mine to be suddenly very orange and grinning. I wondered where he’d gotten off to in the skirmish

    “Out Moto.” The bumper turned downwards in a pout, and shot a purple cloud of Smog out the back end.

    “Yeah yeah, if I need a Poison type, I’ll call ya. Don’t make me have Sunbeam Foresight you out.”

    The bumper curled down again, further still and making a sickening metallic sound. Many looked up to see what the problem was, until Moto slipped out through the hood and left me with a dark-red truck, with a curled front bumper.

    “Fix that.”

    ‘Ro.’

    “Fix. It.”

    ‘tom. Ro.’

    “Espeon…”

    ‘Ro! Ro! Rotom ro!’

    The truck turned orange again. He straightened the bumper, and skulked back out.

    ‘Rotom tom ro rotom.’
    You never let me have any fun…

    We piled into the trucks, and started to roll, until a truck in the front third stopped. The driver, one of the locals joining the militia, shouted "Uniforms!" As he dashed back inside.

    Of course. None of us had thought about it. Undoubtedly, there wouldn't be enough for everyone, but they could see us drivers plain as day through the windows.

    He dashed back out after a ten minute search. The man must have been a tailor, or should be, as he guessed sizes with a keen eye.

    "Here, Glover."

    "Make sure everyone else's fit."

    "You need a uniform, you can't go in like that."

    "Make sure everyone else is covered first. I have a contingency." Gizmo appeared from a burst of light, and demonstrated the overcoat we’d used to slip into the country to the man, who was satisfied enough, but still brought me a decently fitting uniform when everyone else was dressed, which Gizmo was pleased about.

    Surprisingly, we saw little trouble on the road. No one seemed brave enough to ambush a Magma/Aqua convoy, which kinda surprised me, nor did any of the posted guards along the road think twice about these trucks, seeing uniforms in the front and the closed backs hid who was inside. The Highway, which paralleled the Cycling Road and for a distance and used the same abutments for its bridges, was still largely intact. From the overlook, it would appear little care was given to the Route below that was so common for trainers to use, but odds were good that was because of aquatic protection lurking unseen. Where the tree line cleared out to our West, the train tracks that connected the island’s north and south ports had been cut and minimally repaired in a fashion that would discourage ingenious rebels who knew where the handcars were kept, and just enough holes were spread through the ties to make walking down the track an interesting feat to try with any sort of haste, while still giving the hostile forces enough to move their own supplies if they needed. Even still, Hoenn had proven to me to be resilient, and I'd seen many short line railroads with a worse looking roadbed still move trains. There was some hope

    And before we knew it, there was Slateport up ahead, the great green highway signs proclaiming

    END I-1, 3/4 MILE
    loomed, shot full of holes ranging in size from bullet to bowling ball.

    The Highway pulled slowly towards the land and away from the Cycling Road’s southern terminus, passing over the route and the rails before swinging down and becoming the main thoroughfare into town. Just as they had in Mauville, Slateport was now barricaded in by a formidable wall. Wes and his part of the convoy pulled off quickly and out of sight, releasing several waves of flying trainers, ready to go as needed, with a ground wave to back them up.

    I lead the first of the escapee trucks into the gate. The man running the booth looked to be about 19.

    "And who do you think you are?" He asked with a distinctly non-military flippant air.

    "Contingent from Petalburg, we crossed up at the 103 ferry. Heard Mauville broke, so a few of us extras were sent to re-enforce or catch them."

    “Didn’t you get the command? Their re-enforcing Fortree, with the Firebrand loose up there, they don’t want to risk them organizing.”

    “Pardon?”

    “The Firebrand. You know, Maxie’s kid? Big fire type user, broke Fortree open this morning?”

    “Oh, yes, but we weren’t convinced this was an orchestrated effort, and anyway, there’s no way to get to Fortree ahead of them, now is there? So we came here, in case they came south. So if you’ll politely DO YOUR JOB and let us in,”

    The kid radioed such to his commander, who came back with

    >"News to me, but whoever's idea that was was a good thinker. Does the man look legit?"<

    The kid studied me closely, before reporting "He's got a uniform."

    >"Works for me. Have him go to the Mess District."<

    A Tremor shook before we could get moving. In Slateport, it wasn't strong, but rough guessing, it came from a long ways away.

    ---
    Wes could see it in the air, studying our progress closely, he turned briefly and could just make out a large red figure emerging from the top of Mount Chimney, roaring and raising its arms as the Jagged Pass widened and stretched suddenly and unnaturally to allow it to step down from its lofty perch. The other trainers up in the air with him gasped, seeing doom itself emerge from the pools of Magma. Around it, a green shape was buzzing around, launching all varieties of attacks, seemingly futilely at the prehistoric creature. Unseen, was the stone David who leapt from Rayquaza’s back to try to down this new and simultaneous ancient Goliath, aided by the now unburdened weather dragon.
    ---

    But I couldn't see that on the ground, though we all could guess it was happening. "Looks like your re-enforcements won't be necessary, Groudon will soon be dealing with them. Best you still report though."

    By Mess District, he meant the restaurants lining the Beach, straight South. We took a hard left to the Docks however, and it wasn't until the last truck made the turn that anyone saw anything odd or uncommanded and sounded an alarm.

    What was odd, was that there were no large ships in dock. There were enough smaller ones that we could make do, sure, but not enough pilots. There was little a Rotom could do for three ships. Not to be deterred though, Rui and I pulled more hard turns for the lumbering three axle trucks, practiaclly spitting the people out of the back and lobbing attacks both into the startled port hands and the incoming grunts. Moto and I set to untying and starting the ships, and left Dreadnaught to commanding what of my forces he could. From our ranks were two Jolteon, both with Volt Absorb, and with Magnezone and Galvantula armed with Discharge, they made sure to be between them often. Espeon rallied behind her enough psychic types make a silverware factory nervous. Grunts reeling with headaches lobbed out Dustox and a few Larvesta, non natives probably imported by Magma for its higher ups. On the Aqua side were plenty of Masquarain and Surskit, creating a generalized inabilty to just firebomb the Bugs.
    "Ace, would you be ready if I need you?" I thought at a Pokéball while climbing the anchor chain of the first ship I found.

    "zzzzzzzzz" Poor guy, being blasted repeatedly by a Rayquaza took more out of him than he let on, or figured. I threw my arms over the deck-side. Looking down, I spotted several Swalot. A cakewalk for Sunbeam, but then the sunlight slightly faded due to cloud-cover, letting me know that she, or someone with Morning Sun, wasn't quite in the shape to be dealing with the poison types. I'd have to work quickly.

    Or, not. A large object sailed over my head, a silvery orb directed by some unseen source. Then another, and by the angle it was only unseen because I had a ship's deck in my way. They were coming from the sea.

    Easy enough to fix, I sprinted to the stern, and spotted a welcome sight. An icebreaker ship, and now flanked by a large spoon-shaped twenty-deck Hydrofoil with an underwater lab and two large supporting pontoons or engine pods off the back was with them.

    Armed research vessels, I'd never be more ecstatic to see that. A flight drone was in the air, recording the fight for the weapons on board, they were purposefully firing into the road so as to not hit a building Slateport might still want, or us.

    With enough of a warning shot, the two Universal Science Society ships made high speed runs for the docks, their gangplanks landing and skidding down the docks as the ships full-reversed to stop. Men and women in red tunics dashed to the tops odf the ships and down the deck, drawing fire. I clambered down from my perch on a no longer needed ship, recalling my sore Pokémon and covering the rear of our evacuees. I one fell swoop, we had everyone piled into the two ships. A flag waved to the open air where Wes was leading our air support in, signifying that we were all clear and that he could get the heck out of dodge.. Once the ships were safely back from Slateport, Rui said goodbye. I passed her my tip about rebels in Fortree from the gate keeper, though I had not the foggiest who the Firebrand was. She giggled at me about something, then boarded a familiar looking Togekiss, and like that, the Hoenn mission was closed.

    Well, almost closed. I was paged almost before I had finshed slumping against the cargo bay. It was the only room the ships had, but any haven was welcome.

    "Yes captain?"

    "I need to talk to you about something peculiar. I was waiting around for a sign from you, and I grabbed Voyager when they were near to help, but no one from the League was coming. In fact, I'd say all status on the Hoenn region has gotten tighter, not looser. The Admiral for this area is telling me we're in violations of some no shipping zone, not that I particularly care what he thinks about people who need help. But from what I can tell, Glover, you've been lied to. There's no one coming, besides us."

    I held my head. "Would you like to call the League?" he asked.

    "No Captain, I'll confront them myself. Where do you put in?"

    "Where do you need us?"

    "I hate to make you go that far, but I really think not Kanto, and the Orange Islands are out. If there's a "conspiracy", I'm not sure Johto is even a good place, but I'm short on options."

    "Under the circumstances, I think Cianwood would be an acceptable place to start." Then he tapped a small inter-ship communicator on his tunic. "Bridge, lay in co-ordinates for Cianwood City, the Safari Zone docks if available, and relay to Voyager.

    >Acknowledged.<

    Seven hours later, I was awoken with my head on his briefing room desk. When I emerged, several of the crew stifled laughs, but the good English captain refused me the opportunity to spout apologies profusely with a hand.

    They were just docking, and from the bridge I could see a very cross looking man waiting for them. He was clearly there to reprimand his captains for acting out of orders. He wasn't cross though for long. He wasn't cross when the gangplanks dropped, and the crews politely ushered out the tired, the weak, the poor, the huddled masses glad to be free of the internment camps Maxie and Archie had put them through. Human tragedy was hard to be upset with. Instead, he offered me a plane ride. More sleeping, this trip had been extremely hard on me, and I was feeling more than adequately rested when we arrived at Indigo, and leapt from the seat.

    ---
    A brown suited professor was just shuffling out of the Councilroom, having been told about a national crisis that he should have been looped in on and wasn’t. League Council days often attracted irate people, so he thought nothing of the man storming down the hallways, certainly the league had a few people who had reasons to be mad at them. He therefore thought little of the bellhop of an usher chasing him, shouting and rambling something about procedure and turns and waiting in line and scheduling appointments. It was in fact, the sound of the large, heavy, bifold doors outswinging their hinges and crashing with a resounding thud against the columns behind them that gave Xander pause to hear:

    "LANCE, YOU SON OF A--"

    On to the last chapter...
    Last edited by Glover; 5th April 2012 at 7:41 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  4. #29
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    maybe we can bluff our way in as re-enforcements from Petalburg
    Should be spelled 'Reinforcements'...But I may be wrong. After spell checking how you spelled it, it was right. I've just never seen it spelled like that so I stumbled on it.

    it would be easirr to get the cover fire out if they were never inside
    Spelling error. Should be 'easier'

    that maybe thier own had been moved.
    Spelling error...'Their'

    Regirock, recognizing the control on its fellow legendary was gone made an off that the lizard hesitantly accepted.
    That sentence doesn't make sense. I'm assuming when you said 'off', you meant offer. I apologize if I'm misunderstanding what you meant, but I felt like it would make sense if it read:

    Regirock, recognizing the control it had on its fellow legendary had gone and made an offer that the lizard hesitantly accepted.

    when they saw I wasn’t taling to anyone
    Spelling error...'talking'

    flannery and I both chortled.
    Flannery's name should be capitalized.

    I wondered where he’d gotten off to in the skirmish
    Needs Punctuation

    “Yeah yeah, if I need a Poison type, I’ll call ya. Don’t make me have Sunbeam Foresight you out.”
    I liked that part alot. Then the following back and forth between him and Rotom just added to it. Rotom seems like a happy go lucky, prankster, giidy Pokemon that I would love to have. Not only that, but Glover and Rotom have a nice relationship that for some reason stands out to me more than any other in your fic. They're just so, spunky together. Wow, I don't think I've ever used that word before. o.o

    League Council days ovten attracted irate people
    Spelling error...'Often'

    Besides the things I mentioned, I liked the chapter very much. It wasn't as action packed as the last chapter, but it was still enjoyable. I want to be as good as you are at Dialogue. I swear, you have some of the best dialogue I've ever read in a fic. It really is the biggest thing that holds your fic together. So witty, and clever. The relationships between your characters with words alone are what most writers around here strive for with a whole fic, and you've done it with less than fifteen chapters. Great job

    So I checked the other side of me, where Wes was screaming at a group of people.
    That passage there stuck out the most for me. I can really picture Wes doing it, and it made me laugh out loud. Maybe its because literally scream at my coworkers is something I want to do everyday.

    Firebrand? Don't remember him from earlier chapters. If you did mention him before, I'm sorry that I don't remember. I hope to explore him a bit more before this is all over.

    Anyway, great chapter. It was a really good ending, and it suited the story really well.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  5. #30
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    Should be spelled 'Reinforcements'...But I may be wrong. After spell checking how you spelled it, it was right. I've just never seen it spelled like that so I stumbled on it.
    Spell check also wants to spell colosseum coliseum, it may well just be what Word defaulted on and I missed it when it auto-corrected.


    Firebrand? Don't remember him from earlier chapters. If you did mention him before, I'm sorry that I don't remember. I hope to explore him a bit more before this is all over.
    Firebrand is a double reference. Within the confines of this story, he's simply a name ofanother powerful trainer who sprang Fortree City open. I believe his name was tossed out in the previous chapter when the forces who held Mauville were instructed to relocate and prevent the two groups from linking up, since Maxie and Archie probab;y thought this was a co-ordinated effort and not some random fluke that two trainers appear from nowhere and blow the hatches off two major strongholds.

    There IS a Firebrand story though, and it's quite a bit better than mine (considering the author is now published...) if you are interested about reading what happened in Fortree. It's been linked in the Preface on Page1, andI've mentioned it in a forward, but since I tuck those under Spiler tags to remove them from the main story, here she be again for your convience. (Like you need something else to read, I'm sure.)

    this is concurrent with Feralninja's arc between his Chapter 9 Storm Front and his Chapter 22: Hero's Home
    As far as this story goes,     Spoiler:- Do you really want to know?:


    I'll get on those typos, thanks for finding them! I really wish you didn't have them to find...
    Last edited by Glover; 3rd April 2012 at 6:31 PM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  6. #31
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    Firebrand is a double reference. Within the confines of this story, he's simply a name ofanother powerful trainer who sprang Fortree City open. I believe his name was tossed out in the previous chapter when the forces who held Mauville were instructed to relocate and prevent the two groups from linking up, since Maxie and Archie probab;y thought this was a co-ordinated effort and not some random fluke that two trainers appear from nowhere and blow the hatches off two major strongholds.
    Ah okay I gotcha. I like the name, and how he is referred to in the story. "The Firebrand"...Sounds so powerful. There is this book series I read awhile back called Super-Human, and there is this character that appears much later in the book called "Pyrokine". But before he actually shows up near the end of the book, people talk about him as the "Pyrokine". "The Pyrokine"...Just sounded so mystical and powerful. I liked the Firebrand when I read it. Reminded me of that story. Nice touch

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  7. #32
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    Author: Wow, I can't believe this is the end. Well, almost. I've got the epilogue after this, and it's almost as long as the chapters themselves, but this is the end of the story. So why am I introducing new characters?


    Back a chapter?
    ---
    Those words drew everyone to a spot on the wall like a moth and the infamous flame. Rarely had anyone so boldly made an entrance into league chambers. These were the Champions, trainers of amazing strength, who dared to speak against them.

    "YOU LEAD ME TO BELIEVE THERE'D BE HELP COMING!"

    "Now now Glover,"

    "Don't try that condesending crap, Lance. I gave up two weeks of my life to do a little crusade through the Hoenn region on the understanding that "You were trying to sneak away." If I'd have known that getting involved meant sitting my ass in a chair, I'd be at home, curled up with a six year old in my lap in a la-z-boy watching Looney Tunes. You lot are some of the strongest trainers I know, and all you do is sit there and look PRETTY while a region dies under a dual-TYRANNY?”

    I think I made Cynthia cry.

    "What business have you to think you can tell us how to do our jobs!", she growled

    The Kanto Dragonmaster suirmed in his seat, decidng that biting his tongue was a better use of his time than what he wanted to say.

    "Every business, considering I just crawled out of the Hoenn region with a small percentage of their population and my own neck. Here, look at this." I flippantly tossed up the Groudon picture Flannery had gotten, passed to my phone and printed off by the Captain for me. "Anything strike you there?"

    "It's a Groudon." the Unovan man said.

    “Yes, Alder, it is. Good for you, you know your Pokémon. Now, let’s try this again. Anything odd in that photo strike you? How about the bottom right hand corner. See anything there?"

    "What, the human with his back to the camera?"

    “Yes. Now, how about you roll those two little marbles in your head together a-“

    "STOP! JUST STOP PATRONIZING US FOR IDIOTS!" An outburst from Ms. Sinnoh. "We're trying to keep the world together. You're the one who refused to sit up here, the one who backed out of his Championship challenge. You think you can do any better?"

    "God and Arceus he's right."

    "Wait, what did you say Alder?"

    "Look here." He'd pulled off the nameplate in front of him and had doodled a scale on the picture with it as a straight edge. "It's too bad Steven isn't here, but maybe you might know, Cynthia."

    "Hello, on the other side of the empty chair? I wanna see." Lance slipped carefully behind the unoccupied Hoenn seat, but the platform wasn't really wide enough for such actions and he ended up half climbing ungracefully across it.

    "What on Earth is that?" the blonde asked

    "It's one of the three-"

    "SHUT UP YOU!" Cynthia snapped

    "Now two things that you've trapped the entire population of the Hoenn region inside a barricade with.", I continued.

    "GLOVER YOU BAS- Two?"

    "Yes, I , with, assistance from the local population, had the opportunity to bring down Rayquaza, the only one of the three that's still a natural creation. Groudon, and in theory Kyogre too, are both recreations of-"

    "Their primordial selves. That's why the weather patterns are so much bigger, and why the world's population of Rayquaza are avoiding the island."

    "And the Legends keeper knows her stuff."

    "Shut. UP. I still don't like you."

    Alder stroked his chin a moment. "This is all very interesting new evidence, Glover. We'll have to think on this some."

    "Uh huh. And while you think, two groups of rebels will find themselves caught between two ancient forces of nature reborn, and a large, fractured though still highly potent army. I think not. Goodday Gentlemen; Ma'am."

    One of the Ushers, hoping very much to only have to patch one column and replace the one side of hinges, held one of the bifold swinging doors open for Glover, who politely shoved the other door outward, striking one of the eavesdroppers firmly in the face with a door.

    "Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't know you were back there."

    "It's all right; my fault for eavesdropping." He offered me the hand not still holding his nose. "Xander. You say you came from Hoenn? How in the world did you run the blockades?"

    "I have friends with ships. Name's Glover."

    "Could you tell me the status of the Hoenn region then?"

    "Of course. Let's walk."

    ---
    "I think not? He's not seriously going to go back there, is he Lance?"

    "I hope he does. May that overgrown Groudon stomp him flat. REPEATEDLY."

    "Now now Cynthia, no need to wish that on anyone."

    "He called me useless, Alder, and I don't see why you’re not taking offense. He called me uncaring, and lazy. I try to be proud in my work, dammit! I hope he gets proudly squished."

    "Believe me, I'm not fond of the man's intro, but if he’s done what he claims to have done, then he's got some right. But is he going back Lance?"

    "Probably not, he's probably not got it in him, the man hasn’t done this much adventuring since his daughter was born. I think he's got something more serious in mind. Are you familiar with the Kid's Grid?"

    "No."

    "Only vaguely. I was away from society on my walkabout then."

    "Well, during the first incident in Orre, I think it was eight years ago, several kids got together and started a Pirate Radio, communicating between locked-down areas in Orre around Cipher's grip.”

    Cynthia still looked puzzled. “Big crime syndicate, big on genetics and world domination, tried to take over the Orre region, partially responsible for driving off the population of wild Pokémon there.” Lance filled in. “Anyway; when Wes, who took Cipher on with some help from a girl and these children brought the scene to a halt, the Kid's Grid stayed together, and eventually formed the ONBS."

    "Them I've heard about."

    "You should. They've got a reputation for fierce, no-nonsense reporting, and for being untouchable, even by some major crime families. They say the Grid was shut down, but anyone who knows better knows that the kinds of contacts like they had don't just go away."

    "He's gonna force our hand then, go on the air and put all of this to light."

    "Yes Cynthia, though Glover's got a better head than all that. He won't just ask for any volunteers, and I don't think he's gonna go blabbing about pre-historic monsters. But yes. We better call Mary and set something up."

    ---
    "So that's where the Firebrand went."

    "Sounds like it. I never crossed the river, beyond getting into the region, so I never saw him or know where he is now."

    "He'd said something about chasing after Keldeo, but it sounds just like him to be getting stuck in something like that. And that you know my cousin too, small world. How is Rui doing?"

    "Well, you know her, excited to be involved. She's really grown up from the peppy side-kick role since I first met her."

    "My Rui? That's surprising. Listen, I know some people who might be able to help, a bunch of strong trainers who call themselves The Journeymen. Would you be willing to come with me and meet them?"

    "I'm afraid I can't. I need to get back to Cianwood and make sure the escapees are alright, and then I have an appointment with a warm bed and a family. It's been a rough few days. But I'll give you my P*DA number and my home phone; give me a ring and I'll be happy to provide what info I can."

    "Fair enough. Safe travels then Glover."

    "Same to you, and good luck in the Hoenn region."

    I made a phone call to Nett at the ONBS just as soon as I was away from the League building, who got me a phone-in breaking news story ten minutes later. Thankfully, the pilot was still there, and I got back to Cianwood fairly quickly after that. Both Captains had done a very good job of handling the liberated evacuees and getting them into bunk houses. There would be a long political slog that the Johto President and her cabinet would have to go through as to what to do with all of these people, but since it was not a Pokémon related matter, it didn’t involve the League, or directly, me.

    I hurt. I didn’t have the right to say that, those who’d come in on the ships with me had been through far worse in the camps than I had, and for longer, but I still hurt and was feeling the trip. I mercifully collected Cay’s family, and we quietly shuffled away from the main groups before anyone noticed we were missing; hopping on a plane for the Orre region and safety on the other side of the globe.

    ---
    >"Sorry Lance. You've been scooped already."

    "What, how? It's been what, less than half an hour? There's no way."

    "Well, the ONBS ran an interview with an anonymous tip by radio and phone, and was followed almost immediately by one out of Pallet Town on the KPLT from someone else. That's getting picked up by the syndicates as well. Two different people, Lance. Goldenrod Radio is happy to air whatever you have to say, but you've been had."

    "Two?” lance puzzled, “Who was the other?” He turned back to matters at hand, and his phone call with Mary.“There's got to be a way to rebuttal this."

    >"No. JGLD is not going to get into a broadcast war for you. You're just going to have to listen to the broadcasts and issue a formal statement. You've been called out for uncaring, and unsupportive, as well as shortsighted. Both interviews put out calls to strong trainers, asking that not just any trainer with a Pikachu show up, but trainers who can withstand long brutal struggles, and I quote, 'Until the Elite find their heads under the asses they've got firmly between their seat cushions and get out there to help.'"

    "Just whose side are you on, anyway?"

    ---
    Home. The welcoming building was cute in its white paint and gingerbread, looking something like the lovechild of a farmhouse and a cottage. It was certainly big and well utilized with the front porch, sunroom, glass pool room, playroom for small Pokémon, and the main family quarters, but it still managed to hide its large looks behid gingerbread and siding, masking its utilitarian with fun, frilly rooms. But I didn’t care what it looked like, it was Home. Two guys said it best in song: where thoughts escape me, where music’s playing, where…


    "Daddy!" *Whump!*

    Yeah, I think you know. "Dear, you're back. How was your trip?"

    "All things considered, I'd rather have used the Flyer Miles for Undella Bay."

    The taxi pulled up behind me, and disgorged Cay's sister and nieces, who all ran and through their sore, thin and meager looking bodies into the largest hugs hey could give.

    "Where's John?"

    We all looked at each other.

    "John? My in-law. Where is he?"

    "We don't know." That was almost a lie.

    "You don't know?"

    "I had him when I broke everyone out of the prison in Mauville, and then I don't know."

    Cay’s sister took a brave gulp of air and stepped up to defend me. "He had several thousand people to deal with, Cayna. I looked as hard as I could, and my friends are keeping an eye out. He just vanished."

    "There's something you guys aren't telling me. Something happened."

    "Yes there is,” I said firmly. “A lot of things happened. And if I have to sleep on the whicker couch on the porch from now ‘til eternity, I'm not telling. I’m not introducing you to all of that, dear. I simply don't know for sure where he is."

    We'd had time on the plane-ride to reconcile, at least enough to face my wife and their family member. We all had a very good idea where John was. I had him right up until we tried to get out. I lost him in the blinding light the Heavens threw at us. With some faith, I hoped he wasn't in that, that maybe he’d been a moment faster or slower than the assault, but I didn't know. No one could see clearly enough who was in that first wave.

    She crossed her arms and huffed rather crossly at me, then decided that there would be a better time and motioned for her nieces, who were still somewhat traumatized and hiding behind legs and suitcases from everyone.

    "Well, I'll get it out of you somehow, but let me get all of you inside and cleaned up. Welcome home.”

    The Epilogue
    Last edited by Glover; 12th April 2012 at 7:27 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  8. #33
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    "Now now Glover,"
    The comma needs to be a period. You didn't explain who said it or how they said it.

    I think I made Cynthia cry.
    Was this supposed to be speech?

    "WHAT Business have you to think you can tell us how to do our jobs!" She growled
    What doesn't seem like it deserves all caps, business is not capitalized, she is not capitalized, and there needs to be a period at the end.

    "It's a Groudon." The Unovan man said.
    Period needs to be a comma and the is not capitalized.

    "STOP! JUST STOP PATRONIZING US FOR IDIOTS!" An outburst from Ms. Sinnoh.
    Fragment. Needs to be rewritten.

    It's too bad Steven isn't here, but maybe you might know, Cynthia."
    Missing quotation at the beginning.

    "Now two things that you've trapped the entire population of the Hoenn region inside a barricade with." I continued.
    Needs a comma after with.

    "GLOVER YOU BAS- Two?"
    It just sounds awkward to go from yelling to speaking normally. At least to me it does.

    "Yes, I and assistance from the local population had the opportunity to bring down Rayquaza,
    You always put yourself last. It wouldn't me I and my friends. It's my friends and I. So because of that I would choose a different way to convey who helped.

    the only one of the three that's still a Natural creation.
    Not capitalized.

    "It's all right, my fault for eavesdropping."
    The comma would work better as a semi-colon.

    "I think not?
    Why is this a question?

    "Probably not, he's probably not got it in him, the man hasn’t done this much adventuring since his daughter was born.
    Those are three separate sentences.

    “Big crime cyndicate
    Syndicate.

    And that you know my Cousin too, small world.
    Unless they are using cousin in place of their name, like people do with dad and mom, it won't be capitalized.

    who call tehmselves The Journeymen.
    Themselves. Simple case of typing too fast.

    and then I have an appointment with a warm bed and a family, it's been a rough few days.
    The comma needs to either be a period or a semi-colon.

    But I'll give you my P*DA number and my home phone, give me a ring and I'll be happy to provide what info I can."
    Again, comma needs to be a period.

    I hurt.
    Did you mean it hurt?

    those who’d come in on the ships with me hd been through far worse in the camps than I had
    Had.

    hopping a plane for the Orre region and safety on the other side of the globe.
    On needs to be after hopping.

    "What, How?
    Not capitalized.

    lance puzzled,
    Needs to be capitalized and the comma needs to be a period.

    and his phone call with Mary.“There's got to be a way to rebuttal this."
    There needs to be a space after the period before the speech. Rebuttal is a noun, not a verb.

    and I quote, "Until the Elite find their heads under the asses they've got firmly between their seat cushions and get out there to help."
    There needs to be another quotation mark at the end since there's a quote in there.

    But I didn’t care what it looked like, it was Home.
    Comma should be semi-colon. Shouldn't be capitalized.

    and disgorged Cay's sister and nieces
    I'd use a different word. This means that they were thrown out of the taxi by force.

    "Yes there is.” I said firmly.
    The period after is needs to be a comma.

    And if I have to sleep on the whicker couch on the porch from now ‘til eternity, I'm not telling.
    This part was awkward and felt unneeded.

    I lost him in the blinding light the Heavens through at us
    Threw.

    Phew! That was a long review. The thing I saw that you have the most trouble with is comma/period placement and typing too fast sometimes. It happens to us all. Other than that the mistakes were minor misspellings and awkward sentences. Not too much to throw a fit over.

    I felt that Cynthia was really out of character. Cynthia is a helpful champion who, even under pressure, doesn't lose her cool and wants the best for others. I've never seen Cynthia hate someone or even wish death upon them. That may be her manga personality and I wouldn't know because I don't read the manga. Lance is the same way. I feel that he was out of character.

    This chapter was mostly dialogue so I can't say much on the description because there wasn't a whole lot of it. You also tended to not specify who was saying what. That will work when there's two people because you know they alternate, but when there's four people you could at least throw an action in before their speech so we know who's talking.

    I noticed that you switched between point of views at least twice. You're going to need to stick to one. First person or third person? Take your pick. With this being the last chapter I can smell a sequel on the horizon. That or this is just a prequel to someone else's fic in the NCTH verse. With that there's only an epilogue left. I wish you good luck on any future ventures. Good end to a good fic. Just need to touch up on some of the grammatical things. So, until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    And... fixed.

    Was this supposed to be speech?
    Nope, narration, or at least an observation made by Glover to himself and the audience

    It just sounds awkward to go from yelling to speaking normally. At least to me it does.
    it is awkward, ut its an awkward moment. I'll mull on this at work, see if there's something I can wedge in there. I don't want to d o the cliche "Then the light dawned" line, but something of that nature might help. Point being, that's when clarity came to Cynthia and that there were a fwew of these monsters, Glover's gotten rid of one, maybe she should stop and listen, and put her broiling hatred aside for a moment.

    You always put yourself last. It wouldn't me I and my friends. It's my friends and I. So because of that I would choose a different way to convey who helped.
    Point taken, and I modified the line, but in this case "with assistcne from" does follow the person speaking. it's a credit where due thing. Otherwise the line is :"they helped me take down the Rayquaza (arguably more true but then Glover's kinda pissed and taking credit for things right now) which loses some seriousness in my view of things.

    Why is this a question?
    Because they are questioning what Glover meant when he said that originally. "I think not? What did he mean by that?"

    Did you mean it hurt?
    Nope, I hurt, informal verison of "I'm sore." Notice though that "I'm hurt" implies a new wound has occured.

    I'd use a different word. This means that they were thrown out of the taxi by force.
    Actually, that's right. I volunteer with a railroad museum and we'll use disgorge to describe getting everyone off the train.

    MW says "to let out rapidly or with force. And no, as much as I'd like to sometimes, we don't grab them by their shirtwaists and collar and heave them out the side...

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post

    Phew! That was a long review. The thing I saw that you have the most trouble with is comma/period placement and typing too fast sometimes. It happens to us all. Other than that the mistakes were minor misspellings and awkward sentences. Not too much to throw a fit over.
    I like 'em long. Don't know what it was with me and period/commas though with this one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    I felt that Cynthia was really out of character. Cynthia is a helpful champion who, even under pressure, doesn't lose her cool and wants the best for others. I've never seen Cynthia hate someone or even wish death upon them. That may be her manga personality and I wouldn't know because I don't read the manga. Lance is the same way. I feel that he was out of character.
    I'll work on Lance for sure. This isn't out of the Manga, i don't read it either. (I just use Bulbapedia to comb it for characters. The two Admin in this story were from there) Lance wasn;t supposed to change that much, but Cynthia's personality is exactly why I went this route. She's also portrayed a bit light, not an airhead or a ditz per se, but inklings in that direction. When I get home from work, I'll see if I can slip somehrting in about political structure and how the League fits into the regions, but going back to the conversation Lance and Glover had, my intention was to make it sound like the regions didn'rt want to get involved, and the league's hands were tied. I'm sure Cynthia wants to help, if helpful, but the Leagues are telling her she can't. Then some guy comes storming in, slamming doors, and goes into a tirade, calling her lazy, that she sat on her butt (And let's be honest, how many women wouldn't take offence at a comment indirectly related to their posteriors?) and did nothing, I couldn't see her staying calm under soemthing she felt personal about, or felt was a personal attack. And maybe I needed to do more with the Champions in an aside somewhere to get that across.

    You also tended to not specify who was saying what. That will work when there's two people because you know they alternate, but when there's four people you could at least throw an action in before their speech so we know who's talking.
    yeah, I tend to rely on commentary within the comments to carry names. For example,

    "You were trying to sneak away."
    is in reference to Lance's comment to Glover in Chapter 1. I've fixed that part though. Onto the tohers.

    The scorecard looks like this:
    Lance isn't saying much of anythuing, this was directed at him and *Goes and makes an edit* is biting his lip.
    Cynthia's feeling assaulted and is yelling at Glover.
    Alder's the only one keeping a calm head to all this.

    With this being the last chapter I can smell a sequel on the horizon. That or this is just a prequel to someone else's fic in the NCTH verse. With that there's only an epilogue left. I wish you good luck on any future ventures. Good end to a good fic. Just need to touch up on some of the grammatical things. So, until next time.
    You're right on all counts, actually. The epilogue is going to make some room for other stores to plug into, not so much a sequel as it is a patch on a quilt, all woven together in a chronological order. (Sometimes haphazardly)

    I'd like to do an alternate ending, something that wraps up the Legendaries, but since this is not originally my universe, I don't want to pout any definate cap on it, so there may be a one-shot sequel involved later. Also, my other fic going right now will be making use of these characters when we get that far (considering I'm on Chapter 18 and Janie's not even made it to Azela, I wouldn't be counting on seeing the Unova region anytime soon). Michealangelo will show up on Tubeline Bridge, and around that same time we'll learn that for as sweet and helpful as she is, Cynthia can carry a serious grudge.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  10. #35
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    I noticed that you switched between point of views at least twice. You're going to need to stick to one. First person or third person? Take your pick. With this being the last chapter I can smell a sequel on the horizon. That or this is just a prequel to someone else's fic in the NCTH verse. With that there's only an epilogue left. I wish you good luck on any future ventures. Good end to a good fic. Just need to touch up on some of the grammatical things. So, until next time.
    Actually, in a seemingly unrelated way, The Galactic Files, my fan fic, is a sequel. Well, more of a sequel to Pokemon Professor X, which is an unfinished fic (that probably won't ever be for that matter) that this one is based off of, which is how Xander relates to this last chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post
    You're right on all counts, actually. The epilogue is going to make some room for other stores to plug into, not so much a sequel as it is a patch on a quilt, all woven together in a chronological order. (Sometimes haphazardly)

    I'd like to do an alternate ending, something that wraps up the Legendaries, but since this is not originally my universe, I don't want to pout any definate cap on it, so there may be a one-shot sequel involved later. Also, my other fic going right now will be making use of these characters when we get that far (considering I'm on Chapter 18 and Janie's not even made it to Azela, I wouldn't be counting on seeing the Unova region anytime soon). Michealangelo will show up on Tubeline Bridge, and around that same time we'll learn that for as sweet and helpful as she is, Cynthia can carry a serious grudge.
    So what might we expect from this sequel, as you've covered this and The Galactic Files is basically the next event on the timeline (And you've already been written into it, so there isn't much room for a Glover expansion...
    I've gotten into IV Breeding. I'll breed any Pokemon that can, just ask and I'll see what I can do!


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    Quote Originally Posted by Blaziken10285 View Post
    Actually, in a seemingly unrelated way, The Galactic Files, my fan fic, is a sequel. Well, more of a sequel to Pokemon Professor X, which is an unfinished fic (that probably won't ever be for that matter) that this one is based off of, which is how Xander relates to this last chapter.
    Patchwork quilt. Each piece it's own, distinct and complete square, but still a part of a larger hole.

    So what might we expect from this sequel, as you've covered this and The Galactic Files is basically the next event on the timeline (And you've already been written into it, so there isn't much room for a Glover expansion...
    I didn't say Glover would be in it, per se. I said "Alternate Ending"...

    I'll give you a hint: It involves water. A lot of water. As in, be glad you're gym is on one of the highest point in the Hoenn region, because there's going to be a lot of water. Remember how I said Kyogre didn't get involved liek I had wanted? There's going to be a lot of water. You may need a bucket to bail with...

    Oh, and a shishkabob the size of the Empire State Building...
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

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    Nice! I might just have to do a one-shot on this Hoenn conflict. I'm almos the only writer who hasn't done anything with it yet. XD
    I've gotten into IV Breeding. I'll breed any Pokemon that can, just ask and I'll see what I can do!


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    Wow

    Nicely done. I thought it was a good way to round stuff off, although I'll probably get more closure once you get the epilogue out. It's actually kinda sad to see it go in a way, I've gotten quite attatched to Glover throughout this process. Is he modeled after anyone in particular, or is he an original creation? I mean it goes without saying that he held the story together, and I would be lying if I say that there were a few times when I REALLY wanted him to come out swining instead of using his words, but I'm still satisfied. Glover is this just, this constant. Everything in your fic is deteoriating, like all these rock spires out in the middle of the ocean that keep getting swallowed up, but Glover hangs on. Just by a few feet, but he does it. Awesome.

    Shadow Lucario came up with alot of things that he saw that I'm guessing you went back and fixed. Reading down, I couldn't find any errors other than that, although I did notice that this chapter felt somewhat shorter that most of the other ones you've written. I may be wrong about the length, but it doesn't change the fact that it was enjoyable. If anything, I felt like it ended quite nicely. Anyway, going back outside now to scream at random feral kids in my yard, but great job (as usual), and make sure you PM me when the Epilogue is up so I can give a final, more detailed review.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Wow

    Nicely done. I thought it was a good way to round stuff off, although I'll probably get more closure once you get the epilogue out. It's actually kinda sad to see it go in a way, I've gotten quite attatched to Glover throughout this process. Is he modeled after anyone in particular, or is he an original creation? I mean it goes without saying that he held the story together, and I would be lying if I say that there were a few times when I REALLY wanted him to come out swining instead of using his words, but I'm still satisfied. Glover is this just, this constant. Everything in your fic is deteoriating, like all these rock spires out in the middle of the ocean that keep getting swallowed up, but Glover hangs on. Just by a few feet, but he does it. Awesome.

    Shadow Lucario came up with alot of things that he saw that I'm guessing you went back and fixed. Reading down, I couldn't find any errors other than that, although I did notice that this chapter felt somewhat shorter that most of the other ones you've written. I may be wrong about the length, but it doesn't change the fact that it was enjoyable. If anything, I felt like it ended quite nicely. Anyway, going back outside now to scream at random feral kids in my yard, but great job (as usual), and make sure you PM me when the Epilogue is up so I can give a final, more detailed review.
    I have honestly no idea where Glover came from. The character originated from the player char in Colosseum before I knew who Wes was. More than likely, Glover's a natural culmination of the many father figures I've had in my life, coaches, teachers, friends included, but he just kinda came to me.

    Yeah, I'm pretty sure there are a few times Glover wished I'd let him hit people too, but I'm evil so I made him hold back. Maybe later we'll get to see a much darker side.

    It probably was shorter. Originally, this was only ten chapters, but 9-10 were both in the 18page range, so I sliced them up at what I felt were natural break points, because let's be honest, who wants to read 18pages on a computer screen? Not me at least. This one I believe was in the six page range, most of mine are 7 to 10. So, yeah, a little shorter, but not too much so.

    Off to work!
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

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    Back to the final chapter?

    Maximillian’s callused fingers stroked the large crystalline red sphere that sat on a pedestal deep within Mount Pyre. Little sparks of psychokinetic energy arced around his digits as they slid across its glossy surface, massaging his every will into the stone.

    From Mount Chimney, Groudon herd and obeyed. The ancient creature roared fiercely and stomped the ground. With all the haste of an escalator, Jagged Pass rose from and widened into a massive steppe terrace for the ground god to trod down. His steps were slow, but his stride massive, making up the difference in speed.

    The creature heard a fierce roar from in front of it. The call was familiar, in a way, harkening back to another old foe, but the voice much younger, tamed by the years of its ferocity. Indeed, much like this world. No longer was it a vile, ever changing warzone, this planet was weak and fragile. The ground shook violently at such a little thing as the change to Jagged Pass; making it a few hundred feet wider, taller, and stepping down over a longer distance.

    A blast of cold shook the ancient beast from his memory. A large green lizard comparable in size to himself had appeared, focusing the frozen particulates of its home into Groudon’s skin. The giant ancient Pokémon was less than amused by this stunt, and only barely scratched when the creature on the Rayquaza’s back let out a brilliant yellow beam of hellfire and destruction form its odd seven eyes.

    But the attackers knew not the ferocity they were dealing with. ”Kill them ALL!” rang in Groudon’s head, and he watched as the two Pokémon circled closer and closer. The one riding bareback adjusted, he was about to leap onto a school bus sized spike on Groudon’s side and get personal.

    That would never do. The creature roared again, and swept a right arm up towards the heavens. Fifty needle like spires raced out of the ground, compacted into a diamond like structure on the Groudon’s will alone. Several spikes sheered through the Rayquaza’s body. This serpent was a weak descendant, too easily killed by the impalement. On another spire, Groudon now recognized the other attacker as one of the “Protectors” made by him to guard the safe keeping of one of the ancient Pokémon world relics. It lacked organs, being impaled would not be enough to kill a Regirock, but the spear had pierced his body through the center, the Regi squirmed to break off the spire, to reuse the crystal to heal its own body and continue the fight.

    Destroy it!

    Groudon turned on his feet, and with his two giant hands, clapped them together, crushing the Regirock into powder. Then, with their task done, Groudon swept his hands against the earthen spikes, knocking them down with the finesse of a toddler with a stack of blocks. Bloody, mile long spikes of earth with bits of flying serpent and ozone gas oozing from them, clattered across the Routes below. Then he roared triumphantly, and continued in his mission to this place called “Mauville”, where more who wished to do him harm awaited. Or so the voice now claimed.

    ---
    He’d killed their Alpha. Their leader, the oldest of their kind. He would pay, there would be Hell to pay. They did not like this.

    ---
    “And now for the latest on Hoenn. Marcia?”

    “Thank you. We’re live from Cianwood City, where after a month of fighting, the combined forces of the Journeymen and the International Leagues have managed to trap Kyogre long enough to get the first evac ships out of Lilycove. Estimated death reports are skyrocketing, though no official number has yet been released. Thanks to the efforts of Winona and many of the prisoners who had broken out under the Firebrand from Fortree, Most of the fighting has moved east of the Desert.”

    ---
    The doorbell awoke several of us from naps in the living room. Over the month, Cay’s family had slowly been brought back to health. Most flat spaces in the house had been claimed by sleeping bags, but it was good to have them around nonetheless.

    “Janie’ll get it!”

    The man on the doorstep wasn’t a real imposing man, but he showed pride and integrety. “Well, hello there. I believe I’m looking for your father. Is he here?”

    “DAD!”

    “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

    “What are those Pokémon, Mister?” Janie asked, making conversation.

    “Hmm? Oh, this is Donny, my Accelgor. And the big guy out front is Mr. Socky. He’s a Hydregion.”

    “May Janie pet him? Please?”

    “Well, uh,” the stranger adjusted the collar on his dress shirt. He’d just glanced over his shoulder to check on is dragon, who was now having a heated argument with himselves over who got to eat the last dandelion in the yard.

    The stranger wasn’t sure this was a good idea. “Who’s Janie?” He asked, hoping "Janie” was some older, matured, safety conscious-

    “She is!” The girl said pointing to herself, not missing a beat in her third person.

    The stranger sighed and held his forehead. “I was afraid of that. Well… If it’s alright with your Dad..”

    I finally huffed my way to the door. “Go right on ahead I guess, just be sure to make eye contact with him, er, them.”

    The man laughed at my stiff, achey walk. “They said you went through the Hoenn region the hard way.”

    “Little tip, avoid grouchy rock gods.”

    “Noted. You must be Glover then.”

    “I am. And you are?”

    “Raj. I’m from the Journeymen’s league. Xander told you about us, I presume.”

    “Sure did. Come on in, then. What can I do for you?”

    “Thanks. We’d like to offer you membership, we’re quite impressed with your work. And I have a personal favor, we’re all tied up in Hoenn, as am I when I Ieave here. I need someone though to go to the Sinnoh Battle facility. Seems there’s something odd going on involving Regi statues."

    I rubbed my bruised side. “And since I have so much personal experience with them…”

    Raj laughed again. “Well, that’s not exactly it. Are you in?”

    ---
    [B]To the Readers[b/]: Well then. It’s been quite a ride, I hope, and I hope you enjoyed the story. Thanks to all of you for your reviews and adice, and for spending the time in my little corner of the internet. It means a lot to me. As I said in the beginning, this story was meant to plug in alongside “Professor X”, therefore I left the ending fairly open for Xman to do what he wants. Seeing as he’s taken an absence, I’ll probably do an “Alternate Ending”, possibly as a stand alone fic although with its dependency on this story, it may end up here. This would be the “Sequel”, just a secondary epilogue of sorts, but I will stress again that officially, that’s not how it ends.

    To the people living in Hoenn: I’m sorry. On the other hand, you’re all about to inherit Beachfront property…

    You may be wondering about the title. My goal was not to rip William Shakespeare. I’ve not actually read Tempest, the title is based off its meaning of storms. I had originally thought this story would do more with both of the legendaries, but Feralninja did a fine job in his arc, and the way the story evolved, I felt more suited to stay on the western side of the island, so Kyogre never came into view like I had wanted. We still do deal with the weather somewhat, but by then the working title was stuck, and I couldn’t come up with anything impressive related to intense sunlight.

    I’d like to give a few props out. Firstly, to Xman96 who let me into his universe, and the other is to Cutlerine, who’s probably not reading this. Our discussion about his Groudon from Thinking Man’s Guide to Destroying the Universe and the similarities (unintended, by the way) to the Groudon from the official movie Jirachi: Wishmaker were too perfectly timed for me to pass up, so I got writing, and this is the result. That’s where Butler and Diana originally came from. My apologies for spoiling the movie, if you’ve never seen it.
    From here, there are three more stories I encourage you to read that are directly related to this. The first, is The Galactic Files which directly follows this Epilogue and is written by Blaziken10285 with editorial poking by me. There’s the story by Feralninja which I’ve made several references to in previous [b]Notes[//b] as well. The other is World Turns which follows Glover and his family four years from now. Part Journey Fic, part family bonds, and a lot of fun to write and (hopefully) read. While you’re at it, everything else that’s come out of the NCTH is worth reading too, those were just the ones that tie in the most directly.
    Lastly, I will not be shoving this off into the “Completed Fic” forum just yet, so that it’s open for me to make revisions. I firmly believe that if a story can be made better, it should, so I’ll make all suggested grammar changes, and will mull on anything else to see how best to implement it.

    That’s all for me then, thanks for reading. Or in the immortal words of Porky Pig,

    A-beuhbedeuhbedeauh That’s all Folks!
    Last edited by Glover; 12th April 2012 at 7:41 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  16. #41
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    Nice tie-in at the end. I really like how you ended this. I'll have to do a little arc on this event in Fic two, which I have been working it out in the back of my mind. Great job, though I think you could basically take the struggle in any way you want, as Xman probably won't be finishing Professor X.
    I've gotten into IV Breeding. I'll breed any Pokemon that can, just ask and I'll see what I can do!


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  17. #42
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    From Mount Chimney, Groudon herd and obeyed
    Should be 'heard'

    Groudon turned on his feet, and with his two giant hands, clapped them together, crushing the Regirock into powder.
    OMG so epic. Nicely done

    He’d killed their Alpha. Their leader, the oldest of their kind. He would pay, there would be Hell to pay. They did not like this.
    I'm assuming that mean's other Regi's scattered over the world? If not, what is it?

    The man on the doorstep wasn’t a real imposing man, but he showed pride and integrety
    Should be 'integrity'

    shoulder to check on is dragon
    Should be 'his'

    who was now having a heated argument with himselves over who got to eat the last dandelion in the yard.
    This sentence doesn't make sense. If it's an argument between Accelgor and Hydregion, then it should be 'themselves', and the 'was' in the beginning should be changed as well


    Wow, I'm somewhat sad to reach the end of this. I've reccomended this story to several people so I can't believe you haven't gotten more reviews. At the end, I smelled the first hints at a possible sequel? So that excites me quite a bit.

    Other than the points I mentioned, I felt that this was a really good Epilogue. Rounded off a few things, and it was nice to have Rayquaza die, especially by Groudon's (Well, Maximillian's) hand. After reading the scene, I played it out several times in my head and I have to say, it was really well done. The thought of Regirock riding Rayquaza makes me laugh when I think about it, but it works. Groudon's ending really excited me, and I really wanted to follow him, to see where he ends up.

    And that is one thing that makes your fic really stick out for me along with a few others. Your characters are so relateable and engaging that I want to follow them after the story has ended. I want to follow Glover when he goes back home, when he eats breakfast, mows the lawn, etc. Even when nothing REALLY exciting is happening, you always find a way to have me itching for more. By far, your biggest accomplishment with this fic is your characters, and you did a wonderful job. Awesome job, and I really hope you come out with more fics, because I'm hooked on your writing ^^;

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  18. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    This sentence doesn't make sense. If it's an argument between Accelgor and Hydregion, then it should be 'themselves', and the 'was' in the beginning should be changed as well
    Confusing though it may be, the tense "himselves" is actually right and completely made up. Hydregion is arguing with his left hand and his right hand, since both are at the very least alive, if not sentient, and equipped with mouths. One would think it wouldn't matter, sine they share the same stomach, but each head wants that last little nibble. I suppose that does require too much preface on Hydregion as a species though, doesn't it.

    He’d killed their Alpha. Their leader, the oldest of their kind. He would pay, there would be Hell to pay. They did not like this.
    Not the Regis. Good guess though. I'm betting Regigiggles didn't like that. I've made the Alpha reference several times though, Flannery and Glover's conversations, and the first one indirectly with G and Lance off the top of my head.
    Last edited by Glover; 17th April 2012 at 5:58 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post
    Confusing though it may be, the tense "himselves" is actually right and completely made up. Hydregion is arguing with his left hand and his right hand, since both are at the very least alive, if not sentient, and equipped with mouths. One would think it wouldn't matter, sine they share the same stomach, but each head wants that last little nibble. I suppose that does require too much preface on Hydregion as a species though, doesn't it.

    Not the Regis. Good guess though. I'm betting Regigiggles didn't like that. I've made the Alpha reference several times though, Flannery and Glover's conversations, and the first one indirectly with G and Lance off the top of my head.

    Ah okay, that makes sense. The way you explained it made me go back and read, and you were right. Perhaps I was reading so quickly that I kind of overlooked what was actually happening.

    Looking back, you did mention that about the Alpha. Makes sense now

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