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Thread: Latias and her new friends [rewrite]

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    Default Latias and her new friends [rewrite]

    Been inactive but now I wanted to rewrite this number, I hope it will be better than last time.

    “WHOO HOO!”

    A young Pokemon joyfully shouts out as she dives in and out of the water. The large, pink dinosaur-like dragon Pokemon swiftly uses her hands to swim along the icy water as she reaches for the surface. The water itself was only 10 feet from the ground, so it was almost shallow water. From the top, the water was a crystal clear white with many ice blocks floating on its surface. From there, the Pokemon gradually comes up to the surface to breathe for air before she went down to dive again. Before she did just that, she shouted to her partner, who was sitting on the beach itself.

    “Hey Dialga, come on in! The water is awesome!” she shouted to a blue dragon sitting on the beach.

    “No thanks…” Dialga said as he stared at the water long and hard. He sat there on the beach, watching the girl jump in and out of the water. In his mind, he wanted to join her; however, he’s afraid that if he went in the water, than he would drown. Dialga doesn’t really know how to swim and he once had an incident where he almost drowned, so because of that, water was his worst enemy.

    From where he was sitting, the beach looked rather wonderful. A clear blue sky, bright shining sun whose light illuminated the sky, clear white water and soft brown sand. Near the boardwalk, sat a small picket sign that reads ‘welcome to Blizzard Beach’. This beach is famous for Is rather chilly temperatures.

    Where the girl was at, the tides were starting to pick up as small waves began to form in the water. She kept jumping into the water and swimming below its surface until she needed to breathe again. For her, being underwater was water wonderful, because of the fact that besides from being a dragon type, she was also a water type. In the rain or underwater, she was fast and by fast, she was double her original speed. She often liked the swiftness of her movements as she swam under the water’s icy surface.

    As she reached up to the surface, the tides began to get bigger and bigger which each wave that crashed on to the shore. The girl was staring at them for some time as she played in the water, but didn’t really think anything of them. The waves, even though were getting bigger, were not big enough to do any harm to her. They were still merely small ripples of waves, lingering through the water. She turned back to Dialga, who was staring at her as he sat there.

    “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” she asked with a smile that made him blush.

    As he was about to answer her, he noticed an enormous wave, about fifteen feet in height, was coming toward her from behind. The wave was moving fast as it carried a lot of ice blocks and seaweed with it. With that, he got up from his spot and ran toward the water.

    “Palkia, look behind you!” he yelled out to her as he motioned for her to look behind.

    She turned around and in about six inches from her; the huge wave was speeding toward her. Because it was so close to her, she didn’t have much time to escape. She put her arms in front of her face to brace herself as the wave continues to make its way toward her. It got closer, closer and closer until…

    It stopped…

    The wave stood there froze in its path along with five ice blocks and a bunch of seaweed from underwater. The wave was about two inches shy from where Palkia was standing. Upon seeing the huge wave frozen in its tracks, she turned back to Dialga, who winked at her. A huge smile stretched across her face as her heart was beating in a fast pace.

    “Dialga…” Palkia cooed. “You saved me!”

    “Well-,” Dialga started to say.

    Palkia quickly got out of the water and proceeded run to and wrap her arms around Dialga’s neck. She hugged him tightly and intimately.

    “I love you,” she said in a cutesy tone.

    A big smile grew on Dialga’s face as his face turned blood red. To him, it felt rather good to know that he saved her from being crushed by the wave. To Palkia, however, without his quick thinking to stop time around the wave, she would have drowned and since Dialga was fearful of water, he wouldn’t have been able to save her.

    “I love you too, Palkia. That’s what partners are for, we love each other enough to look out for each other,” Dialga got to finally say.

    Time finally released itself from the wave as it resumed making its way onto the shore. Palkia turned around to stare at the remains of the large wave breaking against the shoreline. She was thinking that if only she was strong enough, she could have saved herself from the wave. However, she didn’t know how to except for Dialga’s time stopping powers, and she only controls space, not time. So other than that, she doesn’t know how to use her space powers to get her out of a situation such as this

    “I wish I was strong enough to stop the wave myself,” Palkia sighed. “Like you are,” she said as she turned to Dialga.

    “You’ll get there! You’re just learning your powers right? To help you out, I will lend you my strength,” he replied. “But when we get home.”

    “Really? Oh thank you! Thank you!” she squealed as she wrapped her arms tightly around him.

    “BUT, you must ONLY use my strength when you REALLY need to use it. I’m serious, Palkia. Don’t use it so that you can impress those kids you’re always complaining about,” he said.

    “I promise!” Palkia said as she hugged him tighter.

    As Dialga was enjoying spending time with Palkia, he felt a great big push alongside of him. It wasn’t enough to make him fall over but the impact made him stumble quite a bit. He looked over to his left side and saw a rather young Pokemon lying on the ground. The Pokemon was red and white, had jet-like wings and was very small compared to the two of them. It seemed like he or she was a four foot tall dragon that appeared to be fragile.
    Last edited by はるひ; 25th January 2012 at 3:13 AM.
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    This chapter, someone gets shoved. But it's not as bad as my original.


    “Hey there!” the Pokemon said as she got up from the floor. “Sorry about that, I was running off and I didn’t see you there.”

    Dialga looked at the young Pokemon with a strange look on his face. He was five times her size from the looks of it. So how she couldn’t see the big blue dragon while coming in fast was a question he had on the top of his head. What was worse that was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed into him, she ruined his focus.

    “That’s okay!” Palkia assured.

    “Anyway, my name is Latias. Tell me your name and we won’t be ‘rangers anymore,” the younger girl said with a big smile.

    “Rangers?” Dialga asked with a puzzled look on his face.

    “My name is Palkia and this is Dialga,” Palkia said as she pointed to Dialga.

    “I’m new to this place and I was lonely. So I wanted to sneak out and make new friends,” Latias said in her normal quiet voice. “Now, you guys and I are no longer rangers!”

    “Yeeaah, about that. Rangers?” Dialga asked again.

    “Yeah, my brother said don’t talk to rangers,” Latias replied. “Anyway, I have to go home, but I was wondering if you two can come with me. My brother is going to get angry because I left the house without him knowing.”

    “Sure, but, are you saying that if your brother sees us, then he won’t get mad at you for sneaking out?” Dialga asked.

    “Yes! I know your name and you know mine right? Then we know each other,” she said with a smile on her face.

    Dialga and Palkia both looked at each other with a confused look. They thought to themselves; how does only knowing ones name constitutes as knowing a person? It doesn’t mean that you know someone, you just know their name; what they are called. This young girl does not seem to be very smart judging by the things she is saying; however, she does seem like someone who only wants to make new friends.

    “Well… where is your house?” Dialga asked eluding her last statement.

    Latias then zipped behind the pair and looked around to see if she could spot her home. But, as she looked left and right, she couldn’t tell from all the buildings in the city, where her house was located. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know,” she sighed.

    “You mean, you DON’T know where you live?” Dialga asked with a concerned tone.

    “I don’t know how to get there. I snuck out the window and flew away as fast as I could. But now, I don’t know where my house is because I went too far,” she explained.

    With that, the two dragons took another look at each other with that same confused expression from before. They really had no idea what to make of this. How was this girl going to find her way home is she doesn’t know where her house was? After all, they just met her.

    “We’ll figure it out,” Palkia assured.

    However, just as Dialga was about to ask something, he glanced over at the icy water from the corner of his eye. He could almost swear that he saw a transparent object in the shape of a jet, fly over the water with great speed and toward him.

    “I guess I’m seeing things,” Dialga said to himself.

    When he turned his whole body toward the water, he saw that same shape again, flying above the water. It’s speed so great that it created waves in the water. He knew now that he wasn’t seeing things. However, a transparent plane might be hard to explain.

    “Do you guys see that plane?” he asked the girls.

    Palkia turned toward the water and looked very hard at the place where Dialga said the plane was at. However the object disappeared just when she turned to look for it.

    “I don’t see anything Dial…”

    Before she could finish her sentence; “Look!” Dialga yelled as he directed the others toward the water.

    Everyone then looks up and sees a huge wave coming toward the shore. One that was big enough to wipe out all three dragons from where they were standing. They all braced themselves as the wave was quickly heading towards where they were standing. Latias starts to scream as Palkia went and tightly put her arms around Dialga’s neck to protect him while anticipating the wave crashing the shore.

    However, to their surprise, the wave never made it to where the kids were standing, but rather to the beginning of the shore. Upon seeing this, they all breathed a sigh of relief. But, the ordeal was not over. Dialga saw the plane, yet again. This time, however, it came back around and attempted to take a straight shot at him. He got down on the ground quickly as the plane raced right above him, narrowly missing its mark. Palkia turned around and saw just what he was talking about. That plane.

    As it made a loop around to prepare to hit the blue dragon once again, the brave pink dragon got in front of her loved one and spread her arms out, barricading the plane from hitting him. After doing this, the plane halted to a complete stop just two feet from Dialga and Palkia. Even though she was standing with her arms spread out, Palkia herself was anticipating what would happen next.

    The object began to show its true identity by appearing to turn off its invisibility. When it finally revealed itself, it was not really a plane after all, but a Pokemon. A Pokemon that looked identical to Latias. Except that this Pokemon was blue and bigger. It also had red eyes and bigger wings that were shaped like the ones you’d see on a jet.

    Palkia stared at this Pokemon, studying him. The Pokemon crossed his arms as he glared at the scared Latias. When she looked at him, she was shaking as if she was chilly and she was whimpering as if she was a puppy. She was in trouble with this guy. Not only that, this guy seems to be very angry with her. Even though he was focused on Latias for the moment, he really wanted to confront Dialga.

    During this time, Dialga got up from the ground to witness exactly what Palkia was seeing. When he looked at the Pokemon, there was something that stuck out about him. He looked almost like Latias and when he looked closely, there was one detail that the pair had missed earlier about Latias; she had a blue triangle on her chest. Strange enough, the Pokemon had a red triangle on him. Well, she did say that she had a brother. Could this Pokemon be her brother?

    Nonetheless, this Pokemon stared at the gang for some time. His left hand was clenching into a tight fist as he glared at them still. Dialga and Palkia both looked at him with worried faces, thus Palkia still standing in front of her other half with her arms stretched to her sides in case the Pokemon tried to attack him. Dialga wanted to attack, however, he wanted to see what he had to say first.

    “I will have a talk with you later,” the Pokemon said to Latias. “You! Get out of my way,” he then said to Palkia.

    Upon hearing that, she was afraid for Dialga. He clearly wanted to get him for whatever reason and she felt that she had to stay by him. So she just stood there, with her arms out to her side, shielding Dialga from the Pokemon and any future attacks.

    “No! You’re only going to hurt him!” she yelled.

    “Fine, we’ll do this the hard way,” the Pokemon said in an angry tone.

    He went over to Palkia and shoved her towards the right. The impact was great enough that Palkia rolled over twice. Dialga stood there as he watched her try to shake off the sand from herself as she whimpered in pain.

    “Palkia!” he yelled out of concern as he rushed to her aid. Then, he turned back to the angry blue Pokemon floating right in front of him as he himself got angry with him.
    Last edited by はるひ; 25th January 2012 at 4:54 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Been inactive but now I wanted to rewrite this number, I hope it will be better than last time.

    “WHOO HOO!”

    A young Pokemon joyfully shouts out as she dives in and out of the water. The large, pink dragon Pokemon swiftly uses her hands to swim along the icy water as she reaches for the surface. The water itself was only 10 feet from the ground, so it was almost shallow water. From the top, the water was a crystal clear white with many ice blocks floating on its surface. From there, the Pokemon gradually comes up to the surface to breathe for air before she goes down to dive again. Before she does that, she shouts out to her partner, who is sitting on the beach itself.
    First, at the bolded: You call Palkia "young" when she, if she is the one and only Palkia, is as old as space itself. Either this is an interpretation of the PokeVerse in which multiples of each species are possible (which could work), or "young" wouldn't really describe her. Also, "large pink dragon" seems a little simple for describing Palkia. For one, unless she's shiny, she's going to appear more white-with-pink-markings than simply pink.

    Next, at the underlined: You still have the issue of mixing your tenses. Some things are happening in the present tense, others in the past. Keep watch for such instances as you write and try to make sure you keep to the same tense.

    “Hey Dialga, come on in! The water is awesome!” she shouted to a blue dragon sitting on the beach.

    “No thanks…” Dialga said as he stared at the water long and hard. He sat there on the beach, watching the girl jump in and out of the water. In his mind, he wants to join her; however, he’s afraid that if he went in the water, than he would drown. Dialga doesn’t really know how to swim and he once had an incident where he almost drowned, so because of that, water was his worst enemy.
    More tense discrepancies. I'm glad to see you gave Dialga a real reason to dislike the water this time. Perhaps a bit more showing than telling would help. For example you could write: "Dialga shivered, remembering a time when he was sinking below the waves, unable to reach the surface . . ." or some such memory rather than just saying "he almost drowned once."

    Again, this raises the question of the dragon's powers. Is he a young Dialga, in which case nearly drowning within recent memory makes sense, or is the the one-and-only time god who should have little to fear from being underwater?

    From where he was sitting, the beach looked rather wonderful. A clear blue sky, bright shining sun whose light illuminated the sky, clear white water and soft brown sand. Near the boardwalk, sits a small picket sign that reads ‘welcome to Blizzard Beach’. That explains why the water is so chilly and the ice blocks floating. This beach is famous for Is rather chilly temperatures.
    Underlines mean the same as before.

    This is another instance of telling when you could show more effectively. If you simply leave it with what the sign says, you still get the point across that the beach is usually cold (why else name it "Blizzard"?). You've already shown the blocks of ice prior to this as well. It would make the statement of the beach's name stronger if you stopped there rather than going on to say "It's called that because it's cold, that's why there's ice."

    Where the girl was at, the tides were starting to pick up as small waves began to form in the water. She kept jumping into the water and swimming below its surface until she needed to breathe again. For her, being underwater was water wonderful, because of the fact that besides from being a dragon type, she was also a water type. In the rain or underwater, she was fast and by fast, she was double her original speed. She often liked the swiftness of her movements as she swam under the water’s icy surface.

    As she reached up to the surface, the tides began to get bigger and bigger which each wave that crashes on to the shore. The girl was staring at them for some time as she played in the water, but didn’t really think anything of them. The waves, even though were getting bigger, were not big enough to any harm to her. They were still merely small ripples of waves, lingering through the water. She turned back to Dialga, who was staring at her as he sat there.
    Now, here's an example of (almost) all the verbs being the same tense. Since you seem to default to speaking in the past tense when writing, it might be a good idea to try to convert it all to past tense, as you do here. Just turn "crashes" to "crashed" and this one's pretty good.

    As for the bolded, I think you're missing a "do" in that sentence. "not big enough to do any harm to her."

    “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” she asked with a smile that made him blush.


    As he was about to answer her, he noticed an enormous wave, about fifteen feet in height, was coming toward her from behind. The wave was moving fast as it carried a lot of ice blocks and seaweed with it. With that, he got up from his spot and walked toward the water.

    “Palkia, look behind you!” he yelled out to her as he motioned for her to look behind.

    She turned around and in about six inches from her; the huge wave was speeding toward her. Because it was so close to her, she didn’t have much time to escape. She watched helplessly as the wave continues to make its way toward her. It got closer, closer and closer until…
    Ah, the infamous wave.

    The main issue here is the bolded part. You state that she has "no time to react," which implies that the scene is happening very quickly. At the same time, she has time to watch helplessly as it gets "closer, closer, and closer." By the repetition of the word closer, you make it seem as though the time between Dialga's warning and the wave colliding with her is drawn out, providing time to react. Dialga getting up and walking rather than running or hurrying toward the water also provides a sense that the wave's taking its time about crashing into Palkia.

    Is it fast or slow? You can't have it both ways.

    I recommend something like replacing the part that goes "she watched helplessly" (a very passive action) to "she braced herself for impact" or something along those lines. Heck, even "she closed her eyes" has more of an active connotation than her current so-called actions.

    In short, she needs to "do" rather than be done to. Even if there's no time to use her space powers, she can still throw an arm in front of her face or something.

    Then there's the wave itself. You've previously established that Palkia's at home in the water. Based on that, she probably has been swimming in waters like this often enough to notice when the waves are getting bigger, so it doesn't make sense that Palkia is completely oblivious to it. Likewise, the wave isn't all that much bigger than her, and she weighs over 700 pounds, so chances are she wouldn't be knocked around by a wave alone. This might work if you emphasize the danger posed by the debris carried by the water (i.e. "the wave was bringing a huge, heavy block of ice directly toward her head, at a speed that could crack bone/knock her unconscious") or just something other than the water itself being the problem.

    It stopped…

    The wave stood there froze in its path along with five ice blocks and a bunch of seaweed from the underground. The wave was about two inches shy from where Palkia was standing. Upon seeing the huge wave frozen in its tracks, she turned back to Dialga, who winked at her. A huge smile stretched across her face as her heart was beating in a fast pace.
    Shouldn't the seaweed be from underwater rather than from underground? Anyway, I'm glad to see at least one of them using their powers in this iteration of the story rather than them both watching helplessly.

    “Dialga…” Palkia cooed. “You saved me!”

    “Well-,” Dialga started to say.

    Palkia quickly got out of the water and proceeded run to and wrap her arms around Dialga’s neck. She hugged him tightly and intimately.

    “I love you,” she said in a cutesy tone.

    A big smile grew on Dialga’s face as his face turned blood red. To him, it felt rather good to know that he saved her from being crushed by the wave. Without his quick thinking to stop time around the wave, Palkia would have drowned and since Dialga was fearful of water, he wouldn’t have been able to save her.

    “I love you too, Palkia. That’s what partners are for, we love each other enough to look out for each other,” Dialga got to finally say.
    I'm not convinced a Water-type would have necessarily drowned from being knocked about by a wave, since even non-fish Water-types like Squirtle have been shown to be able to breathe underwater in the anime. Plus, once underwater, Palkia could just move a pocket of air to her face with her ability to transport stuff across space, couldn't she?

    The statement works if it's just from Dialga's point of view (based on his own past experiences with being underwater), rather than as a statement of fact.

    As for the "oh, you saved me" bit, that could work as being what Palkia would say based on her personality even if she could have saved herself, but . . . I don't know. I'm not good with writing lovey-dovey moments, so I'm not sure what to say here.

    Yes, it's better to thank someone for help when they provide it than saying "I could have gotten out of that situation without you," so in that sense it works. I'm just concerned that you're stating it as a matter-of-fact statement that Palkia would have been helpless without Dialga rather than Palkia politely thanking him for lending a hand.

    Time finally released itself from the wave as it resumed to crash into the shore. Palkia turned around to stare at the remains of the large wave crashing into the shore. She was thinking that if only she was strong enough, she could have saved herself from the wave. However, she didn’t know how to except for Dialga’s time stopping powers, and she only controls space, not time. So other than that, she doesn’t know how to use her space powers to get her out of a sitiation such as this
    And as I suspected, it's because Palkia herself believes she would have drowned, despite being a Water-type and despite being able to bend space . . . This can work only if you explain that she's a young Palkia just beginning to learn her powers. It just doesn't fit if she's the one-and-only Goddess of Space.

    Underlined: "doesn't" is in the present tense again, while the rest is past tense.

    Bolded: "sitiation" needs to be "situation."

    Underlined and bolded: You use the same phrasing twice in a row, the wave crashing into shore. It's repetitive. You might want to swap out one of the two times you say this for a different phrase, such as "breaking against the shoreline" or "smashing blocks of ice against the sand and rocks on the beach."

    “I wish I was strong enough to stop the wave myself,” Palkia sighed. “Like you are,” she said as she turned to Dialga.

    “You’ll get there! And, to help you out, I will lend you my strength,” he replied. “But when we get home.”

    “Really? Oh thank you! Thank you!” she squealed as she wrapped her arms tightly around him.

    “BUT, you must ONLY use my strength when you REALLY need to use it. I’m serious, Palkia. Don’t use it so that you can impress those kids you’re always complaining about,” he said.

    “I promise!” Palkia said as she hugged him tighter.
    I know I could have included this in the above bit, but I'm reiterating it here because this is a recurring theme. This kind of scene only works if Dialga and Palkia are young kids rather than omnipotent beings. If this is the case, you need to explain that somewhere in the fic. If this isn't the case, then it doesn't really make sense.

    As Dialga was enjoying spending time with Palkia, he felt a great big push alongside of him. It wasn’t enough to make him fall over but the impact made him stumble quite a bit. He looked over to his left side and saw a rather young Pokemon laying on the ground. The Pokemon was red and white, had jet-like wings and was very small compared to the two of them. Seemed like he or she was a four foot tall dragon that appears to be fragile.
    Underlined: "appears" should be "appeared" as most of the fic is in the past tense.

    Bolded: Starting the sentence with "seemed" doesn't really work. This should be "It seemed . . ."

    Well, you have a new way of introducing Latias compared to last time, though you still emphasize her fragility. Let's see where you go with this. Since it's late here, I'll stop now rather than going on to the next entry.

    There are definite improvements, such as giving Dialga a reason to dislike the water that was absent in the first version, and allowing him to actually act in the face of danger. Unfortunately, Palkia doesn't seem to have gotten as much new development as her counterpart. We see why she didn't use her powers - a lack of confidence - but she still only watches helplessly. You also need to keep an eye on points in which you switch tenses while writing the scene.

    EDIT: I've had time to look at chapter 2 as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    “Hey there!” the Pokemon said as she got up from the floor. “Sorry about that, I was running off and I didn’t see you there.”

    Dialga looked at the young Pokemon with a strange look on his face. He is five times her size from the looks of it. So how she couldn’t see the big blue dragon while coming in fast was a question he had on the top of his head. What was worse that was he was spending time with Palkia, so when this girl crashed into him, she ruined his focus.
    Again, "is" is present tense while the rest of the story around it is in the past tense.

    “That’s okay!” Palkia assured.

    “Anyway, my name is Latias. Tell me your name and we won’t be ‘rangers anymore,” the younger girl said with a big smile.

    “Rangers?” Dialga asked with a puzzled look on his face.

    “My name is Palkia and this is Dialga,” Palkia said as she pointed to Dialga.

    “I’m new to this place and I was lonely. So I wanted to sneak out and make new friends,” Latias said in her normal quiet voice. “Now, you guys and I are no longer rangers!”

    “Yeeaah, about that. Rangers?” Dialga asked again.

    “Yeah, my brother said don’t talk to rangers,” Latias replied. “Anyway, I have to go home, but I was wondering if you two can come with me. My brother is going to get angry because I left the house without him knowing.”

    “Sure, but, are you saying that if your brother sees us, then he won’t get mad at you for sneaking out?” Dialga asked.
    The dialogue's Ok, but I think you need a comma where I added one in bold.

    “Yes! I know your name and you know mine right? Then we know each other,” she said with a smile on her face.

    Dialga and Palkia both looked at each other with a confused look. How does only knowing ones name constitutes as knowing a person? It doesn’t mean that you know someone, you just know their name; what they are called. This young girl does not seem to be very smart judging by the things she is saying; however, she does seem like someone who only wants to make new friends.
    Oh boy, here we go . . .

    What this shows is that Latias is naďve and trusting, not unintelligent. Naďve =/= not smart. It means she's young and trusting enough not to know the dangers of dealing with strange Pokemon, and implies that she's been sheltered.

    If this was Dialga or Palkia thinking this, it'd be OK to say it like this, but you say it like a matter-of-fact statement again. This reads as though you yourself have brushed Latias off as stupid rather than just not understanding the way the world works yet. There are ways to do this well if this is what you're intending, but I think you probably want to show her as trusting and naďve and inexperienced rather than as unintelligent. Writing her this way makes it seem like you, the author, are willing to write her off as a fool rather than attempting to develop her as a character.

    In other words, you may want to rephrase that statement to show her as inexperienced rather than as dumb.

    “Well… where is your house?” Dialga asked eluding her last statement.

    Latias then zipped behind the pair and looked around to see if she saw her home. But, as she looked left and right, she couldn’t tell from all the buildings in the city, where her house was located. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know,” she sighed.
    The wording in this paragraph is a bit awkward. Maybe she "looked around to see if she could spot her home" to avoid essentially using the word "see" twice in a four word span? Also, the bolded comma isn't needed.

    “You mean, you DON’T know where you live?” Dialga asked with a concerned tone.

    “I don’t know how to get there. I snuck out the window and flew away as fast as I could. But now, I don’t know where my house is because I went too far,” she explained.

    With that, the two dragons take another look at each other with that same confused expression from before. They really have no idea what to make of this. How is this girl going to find her way home is she doesn’t know where her house is? After all, they just met her, so they are not going to know where she lived either.

    “We’ll figure it out,” Palkia assured.
    You have a lot of present tense here when the majority of the story is in the past tense, something to continue looking out for.

    As for the bolded phrase, this is largely unneeded. It is obvious to readers that they just met Latias. It is also obvious that, since they don't know her, they don't know where she lives. There is no need to state it when it has already been shown.

    However, just as Dialga was about to ask something, he quickly looked at the icy water from the corner of his eye. He could almost swear that he saw an invisible object in the shape of a jet, fly over the water with great speed and toward him.

    “I guess I’m seeing things,” Dialga said to himself.
    Saying "he quickly looked" implies that he's examining the area on purpose, as though he expects to see something. However, the rest of the statement implies that he only spotted the glimmer of Latios's movements by chance.

    Do you want this portrayed as Dialga glancing around in hopes of seeing someone who knows Latias, seeing that nobody else is around, and then spotting the "invisible" object?

    Or do you want him to have simply noticed motion out of the corner of his eye, and then given the beach a look to try to find what he saw?

    Whichever you meant, you might be able to make it clearer. Also, he can't "see" an "invisible" object by definition. He could see a shimmering shape that is barely distinguishable from the sea, sand, or sky around it. He could see the ripples of the water move under Latios. Invisible means not visible, and to be seen Dialga has to witness something visible, if only the air shimmering like a mirage on a hot day.

    When he turned his whole body toward the water, he saw that same shape again, flying above the water. It’s speed so great that it created waves in the water. He knows now that he isn’t seeing things. However, an invisible plane may be hard to explain.

    “Do you guys see that plane?” he asked the girls.

    Palkia turned toward the water and looked very hard at the place where Dialga said the plane was at. However the object disappeared just when she turned to look for it.

    “I don’t see anything Dial…”

    Before she could finish her sentence; “Look!” Dialga yelled as he directed the others toward the water.
    Again, the underlined portions indicate where you slip back into present tense.

    "It's speed so great" needs to be "Its speed was so great" because "it's" means "it is." As you wrote it, you are saying "It is speed so great," referring to the greatness of the speed when you intend to discuss the speed of the moving object.

    Everyone then looks up and sees a huge wave coming toward the shore. One that was big enough to hit the three dragons in a two foot radius.

    They all helplessly watched
    as the wave was heading towards where they were standing. Latias starts to scream an irritating shrill sound as Palkia went and tightly put her arms around Dialga’s neck to protect him while anticipating the wave crashing the shore.
    Underlines are the same as above.

    A two foot radius . . . for two dragons that are over 13 feet tall (17 feet in Dialga's case) AND the 4 ft tall Latias? Ummm . . .

    Again with the helpless watching, when you've already established that Dialga could simply stop this thing in time. Your characters need to act rather than be acted upon. Skip the watching helplessly part and cut to the trio's various actions (screaming, grabbing Dialga in a protective hug, etc). Or have Palkia or Dialga take the opportunity to use their powers to protect themselves like Dialga did earlier.

    You have to deal with the logic problem of Dialga simply stopping a wave in time before it hit Palkia a chapter before and Dialga simply staring at a smaller wave that is coming at the trio in this one. Why does he use his power to protect his friend in one chapter but not the other?

    Finally, you call Latias's scream "irritating" and "shrill." Combined with the earlier instance of writing her off as "not smart," this gives the impression that you want the reader to find Latias annoying. The word "irritating" especially so. If this is not the case, use different adjectives to describe the sound she makes (high pitched, for example).

    However, to their surprise, the wave never made it to where the kids were standing, but rather to the beginning of the shore. Upon seeing this, they all breathed a sigh of relief. But, the ordeal was not over. Dialga then sees the plane, yet again. This time, however, it came and attempted to take a straight shot at him. He got down on the ground quickly at the plane raced right above him, narrowly missing its mark. Palkia turned around and saw just what he was talking about. That plane.
    If you're going to call Dialga and Palkia kids as well, it would be helpful if you establish somewhere in the story that there can be multiples of legendary Pokemon. Otherwise, beings the age of the universe (which would be the case if they were the only ones in existance) would not be called kids.

    "At" should be "as."

    "Came" alone doesn't really describe an action here. "Turned" or "came back around" would work better.

    As it made a loop around to prepare to hit the blue dragon once again, the brave pink dragon got in front of her loved one and spread her arms out, barricading the plane from hitting him. After doing this, the plane halted to a complete stop just two feet from Dialga and Palkia. Even though she was standing with her arms spread out, Palkia herself was anticipating what would happen next.
    Palkia's brave . . . but she has a tendency to watch helplessly? You need to explain why she acts in this case but not in the two previous instances of watching helplessly. Like with Dialga stopping one wave but not another, there needs to be a reason for her to act in one circumstance but not another.

    I know you're going to say "but she is acting here because the guy she loves is in danger," but you need to make a clear distinction of why she acts in one case but not another. You could write it as the initial shock from being attacked has worn off by now, giving her time to act when she didn't before, but it reads as a discrepency in character actions and descriptions if she's "brave" at the same time as she "watches helplessly."

    The object began to show its true identity by appearing to turn off its invisibility. When it finally revealed itself, it was not really a plane after all, but a Pokemon. A Pokemon that looked identical to Latias. Except that this Pokemon was blue and bigger. It also had red eyes and bigger wings that were shaped like the ones you’d see on a jet, thus explaining why Dialga thought it was an actual plane.

    Palkia stared at this Pokemon, studying him. She believed him to be male, but was unsure since blue doesn’t always seem to equal male. The Pokemon crossed his arms as he glared at the scared Latias. When she looked at him, she was shaking as if she was chilly and she was whimpering as if she was a puppy. She was in trouble with this guy. Not only that, this guy seems to be very angry with her. Even though he was focused on Latias for the moment, he really wanted to confront Dialga.
    Ah, Latios . . . I think I'll start small and work my way up here.

    Again, you can just drop the phrase "thus explaining why Dialga thought it was an actual plane" because you've already explained it within the same sentence.

    When you say Palkia thinks he's male, you call Latios by male pronouns before you have Palkia come to this conclusion, and continue it after you admit that she isn't certain. You can do this from Palkia's point of view, then explain in narration that she's using the word "he" because she thinks he's a guy, or . . .

    You can continue using "it" as you did the previous paragraph until Palkia comes to the conclusion, or . . .

    You can just jump to the male pronouns and skip the "Palkia thinks he's male" stage and have all the characters just know off the bat that he's a dude. One of those three options would make this section a lot cleaner.

    By saying that Palkia thinks Latios is male, but can't be sure by color alone, you imply that Palkia is making this assumption on color alone, then retaining the assumption even after realizing her reasoning is faulty. It might be better to drop the color/gender association altogether for this statement if the point is that she isn't basing her conclusion on his color.

    Then there's Latias's response, still shivering and whimpering at her brother's approach. She even screams in fear when she first notices him (assuming she knew it was him and wasn't just scared of a mysterious invisible creature). How scared do you intend her to seem? Is she afraid of her brother and what he might do to her for sneaking out? If so, what kind of punishment does she expect? The scale of her reaction needs to reflect the scale of what she thinks Latios will do to her for this.

    During this time, Dialga got up from the ground to witness exactly what Palkia was seeing. When he looked at the Pokemon, there was something that stuck out about him. He looked almost like Latias and when he looked closely, there was one detail that the pair had missed earlier about Latias; she had a blue triangle on her chest. Strange enough, the Pokemon had a red triangle on him. Well, she did say that she had a brother. Could this Pokemon be her brother?

    Nonetheless, this Pokemon stared at the gang for some time. His left hand was clenching into a tight fist as he glared at them still. Dialga and Palkia both looked at him with worried faces, thus Palkia still standing in front of her other half with her arms stretched to her sides in case the Pokemon tries to attack him.
    While no one is stated as "watching helplessly" this time, the words you use imply that the standoff goes on for quite a while. Certainly long enough for Dialga to freeze Latios in a pocket of time until he's able to discover what he wants. Remember, Latios attacks seemingly out of the blue. Dialga and Palkia would probably regard him as a threat and try to prevent him from attacking again first and foremost, and worry about why he was attacking after he's been subdued.

    Having beings that can stop time or hold Latios still in a pocket of space simply standing around not moving while something that has been attacking them is, presumably, preparing to do so again seems unrealistic.

    “I will deal with you later,” the Pokemon said to Latias. “You! Get out of my way,” he then said to Palkia.

    Upon hearing that, she was afraid for Dialga. He clearly wanted to get him for whatever reason and she felt that she had to stay by him. So she just stood there, with her arms out to her side, barricading the Pokemon from Dialga.
    Again, her just standing as still as she has been doing seems a little off. She's had time to move by now, as has Dialga. She could turn to face him rather than simply standing as a shield if she wants to protect Dialga. Dialga could have frozen the time around Latios in this time span. The pair not acting makes no sense.

    Also, the use of the term "barricading" means shielding. As it is, it sounds as though Palkia's protecting Latios from Dialga, when you want it to be the other way around. "Blocking" is probably a better word choice.

    Finally, "I'll deal with you later" sounds like a threat. If you want him angry and violent, it's good. But if you want him to be protective and concerned, it doesn't work. Maybe just jump to the "stand aside" part or have him say something different to Latias.

    “No! You’re only going to hurt him!” she yelled.

    “Fine, we’ll do this the hard way,” the Pokemon said in an angry tone.

    He went over to Palkia and shoved her towards the right. The impact was great enough that Palkia rolled over twice whiten the five feet she was pushed from. Dialga stood there as he watched her try to shake off the sand from herself. Then, he turned back to the angry blue Pokemon floating right in front of him as he himself got angry with him.
    Palkia, 13-foot-tall Palkia, has enough room to roll over twice within 5 feet? Talk about spacial manipulation.

    Well, at least Latios attacks those he sees as potential dangers to Latias rather than honing in on Latias herself in this itteration, though if he's concerned, "I'll deal with you later" sounds more threatening than it should. The problem with the first one was that he attacked Latias first, and thus seemed to care more about hurting her than about removing her from danger. Here he attacks Dialga and Palkia first.

    Here you have the potential to prevent the portrayal of Latios from becoming abusive rather than protective. He sees Dialga and Palkia as threats, and thus wants to guard his sister from them. Maybe you could re-word it a bit so he doesn't threaten his sister and make it seem like he thinks Dialga and Palkia are kidnappers? That would certainly make his attacks justified in this instance (assuming Latias is only afraid because she doesn't immediately recognize the attacker as her brother). If he is still violent toward his sister in this version of the story, this won't stop him from seeming abusive, but it might work if he's just acting violently because he misinterpreted the circumstances.

    Are you writing under the assumption that Latios followed Latias to the beach (and thus should have overheard the conversation and should have been able to intervene without violence)? Or are you writing this as though he noticed Latias was missing and quickly located her (through psychic powers or whatever) and simply mistook Dialga and Palkia for kidnappers because he arrived on the scene too late to hear their conversation? If you want him to appear protective, as opposed to violent, go with the latter explanation.
    Last edited by Ememew; 21st January 2012 at 10:44 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    First, at the bolded: You call Palkia "young" when she, if she is the one and only Palkia, is as old as space itself. Either this is an interpretation of the PokeVerse in which multiples of each species are possible (which could work), or "young" wouldn't really describe her. Also, "large pink dragon" seems a little simple for describing Palkia. For one, unless she's shiny, she's going to appear more white-with-pink-markings than simply pink.
    Even though I never explained it in the story because it doesn't really fit in the storyline, Dialga and Palkia are not the only ones of their kind. There are more of them in their families, so thats why these guys seem like they are 15 years old (because they are lol)


    Again, this raises the question of the dragon's powers. Is he a young Dialga, in which case nearly drowning within recent memory makes sense, or is the the one-and-only time god who should have little to fear from being underwater?
    He's young and has a recent memory of it. Also I just remembered that Dialga was steel, which metal sinks in water; so giving me leeway to say that Dialga is afraid of water.



    This is another instance of telling when you could show more effectively. If you simply leave it with what the sign says, you still get the point across that the beach is usually cold (why else name it "Blizzard"?). You've already shown the blocks of ice prior to this as well. It would make the statement of the beach's name stronger if you stopped there rather than going on to say "It's called that because it's cold, that's why there's ice."
    this was my attempt to show. It was because there is a Blizzard Beach in real life but only by name. I was trying to show that this wasn't by name but by climate as well.


    Ah, the infamous wave.

    The main issue here is the bolded part. You state that she has "no time to react," which implies that the scene is happening very quickly. At the same time, she has time to watch helplessly as it gets "closer, closer, and closer." By the repetition of the word closer, you make it seem as though the time between Dialga's warning and the wave colliding with her is drawn out, providing time to react. Dialga getting up and walking rather than running or hurrying toward the water also provides a sense that the wave's taking its time about crashing into Palkia.

    Is it fast or slow? You can't have it both ways.

    I recommend something like replacing the part that goes "she watched helplessly" (a very passive action) to "she braced herself for impact" or something along those lines. Heck, even "she closed her eyes" has more of an active connotation than her current so-called actions.

    In short, she needs to "do" rather than be done to. Even if there's no time to use her space powers, she can still throw an arm in front of her face or something.

    Then there's the wave itself. You've previously established that Palkia's at home in the water. Based on that, she probably has been swimming in waters like this often enough to notice when the waves are getting bigger, so it doesn't make sense that Palkia is completely oblivious to it. Likewise, the wave isn't all that much bigger than her, and she weighs over 700 pounds, so chances are she wouldn't be knocked around by a wave alone. This might work if you emphasize the danger posed by the debris carried by the water (i.e. "the wave was bringing a huge, heavy block of ice directly toward her head, at a speed that could crack bone/knock her unconscious") or just something other than the water itself being the problem.
    Buuut; don't forget that the wave was six inches from her and if you were to put a ruler out in front of you and measure six inches; that's pretty darn close. It'd be so close that you literally have no time to react; only watch as it's getting closer to you. It's the same with Palkia. Dialga's warning came too late, so she didn't have time to react or try to water gun the wave.

    I never explained this one as well, but Palkia hasnt been in water where there was big waves; At the lake, there is some but not as big as the ones at the beach.



    As for the "oh, you saved me" bit, that could work as being what Palkia would say based on her personality even if she could have saved herself, but . . . I don't know. I'm not good with writing lovey-dovey moments, so I'm not sure what to say here.

    Yes, it's better to thank someone for help when they provide it than saying "I could have gotten out of that situation without you," so in that sense it works. I'm just concerned that you're stating it as a matter-of-fact statement that Palkia would have been helpless without Dialga rather than Palkia politely thanking him for lending a hand.
    And as I suspected, it's because Palkia herself believes she would have drowned, despite being a Water-type and despite being able to bend space . . . This can work only if you explain that she's a young Palkia just beginning to learn her powers. It just doesn't fit if she's the one-and-only Goddess of Space.
    The "you saved me bit" was pretty much a lovey-dovey moment on Palkia's part, since her partner was the one who saved her.

    At the same time, in this verse; Palkia is pretty much weaker than Dialga because of the type of powers they have the the stats they were born with; so it's natural for Palkia to think that without Dialga, she would have been doomed.


    I know I could have included this in the above bit, but I'm reiterating it here because this is a recurring theme. This kind of scene only works if Dialga and Palkia are young kids rather than omnipotent beings. If this is the case, you need to explain that somewhere in the fic. If this isn't the case, then it doesn't really make sense.
    For Dialga to lend Palkia his power? It kinda makes sense because he's looking out for her and wants her to be protected. Arceus did the same thing; thus thats where I got the "lend you my power" thing from.


    Well, you have a new way of introducing Latias compared to last time, though you still emphasize her fragility. Let's see where you go with this. Since it's late here, I'll stop now rather than going on to the next entry.
    I do that because I'm describing her; Latias IS small and fragile in the movie.


    Oh boy, here we go . . .

    What this shows is that Latias is naďve and trusting, not unintelligent. Naďve =/= not smart. It means she's young and trusting enough not to know the dangers of dealing with strange Pokemon, and implies that she's been sheltered.

    If this was Dialga or Palkia thinking this, it'd be OK to say it like this, but you say it like a matter-of-fact statement again. This reads as though you yourself have brushed Latias off as stupid rather than just not understanding the way the world works yet. There are ways to do this well if this is what you're intending, but I think you probably want to show her as trusting and naďve and inexperienced rather than as unintelligent. Writing her this way makes it seem like you, the author, are willing to write her off as a fool rather than attempting to develop her as a character.

    In other words, you may want to rephrase that statement to show her as inexperienced rather than as dumb.
    I wasn't trying to say it as a matter of fact statement. I was saying it how the characters were thinking. I am trusting as well, but I don't think knowing someone's name =/= not being strangers. So I was kinda show Latias' immaturity. I said that she didn't seem smart in the character's POV.


    Or do you want him to have simply noticed motion out of the corner of his eye, and then given the beach a look to try to find what he saw?

    Whichever you meant, you might be able to make it clearer. Also, he can't "see" an "invisible" object by definition. He could see a shimmering shape that is barely distinguishable from the sea, sand, or sky around it. He could see the ripples of the water move under Latios. Invisible means not visible, and to be seen Dialga has to witness something visible, if only the air shimmering like a mirage on a hot day.
    In the movie, Latios was invisible but you can see his outline, thats how the characters were able to spot him. In this case, when Dialga looked over, he can see the shape of a object that was supposed to be invisible, but he can spot the outline when he looked at the water.

    A two foot radius . . . for two dragons that are over 13 feet tall (17 feet in Dialga's case) AND the 4 ft tall Latias? Ummm . . .
    Meaning they were all withen two feet of the water; wait, now I'm confused


    You have to deal with the logic problem of Dialga simply stopping a wave in time before it hit Palkia a chapter before and Dialga simply staring at a smaller wave that is coming at the trio in this one. Why does he use his power to protect his friend in one chapter but not the other?
    I can say that the big wave in this chapter was a fast moving one, unlike the other where he stopped time before it could wipe out Palkia.

    And also because they are on land, I thought nothing of it;
    Finally, you call Latias's scream "irritating" and "shrill." Combined with the earlier instance of writing her off as "not smart," this gives the impression that you want the reader to find Latias annoying. The word "irritating" especially so. If this is not the case, use different adjectives to describe the sound she makes (high pitched, for example).
    Her bubapedia page says she has an irritating shrill and uses it when she's in danger. So i wasn't trying to make her annoying


    Palkia's brave . . . but she has a tendency to watch helplessly? You need to explain why she acts in this case but not in the two previous instances of watching helplessly. Like with Dialga stopping one wave but not another, there needs to be a reason for her to act in one circumstance but not another.

    I know you're going to say "but she is acting here because the guy she loves is in danger," but you need to make a clear distinction of why she acts in one case but not another. You could write it as the initial shock from being attacked has worn off by now, giving her time to act when she didn't before, but it reads as a discrepency in character actions and descriptions if she's "brave" at the same time as she "watches helplessly."
    But the guy she loves is... wait.

    I called her brave because it kinda puts her in a better light and it makes it so that I'm not "degrading" her because she's a girl. And also, the first two, times, Palkia was the one in trouble, but this time it was Dialga and since he saved her, she wants to be able to protect him.

    I also called her brave because she is protecting Dialga from a Pokemon that is much stronger than she is.


    You can just jump to the male pronouns and skip the "Palkia thinks he's male" stage and have all the characters just know off the bat that he's a dude. One of those three options would make this section a lot cleaner.
    that would have been a better idea on my part.


    Then there's Latias's response, still shivering and whimpering at her brother's approach. She even screams in fear when she first notices him (assuming she knew it was him and wasn't just scared of a mysterious invisible creature). How scared do you intend her to seem? Is she afraid of her brother and what he might do to her for sneaking out? If so, what kind of punishment does she expect? The scale of her reaction needs to reflect the scale of what she thinks Latios will do to her for this.
    I wanted her to be afraid to a point that she had disobeyed Latios, now she's going to have to listen to him yell at her.

    While no one is stated as "watching helplessly" this time, the words you use imply that the standoff goes on for quite a while. Certainly long enough for Dialga to freeze Latios in a pocket of time until he's able to discover what he wants. Remember, Latios attacks seemingly out of the blue. Dialga and Palkia would probably regard him as a threat and try to prevent him from attacking again first and foremost, and worry about why he was attacking after he's been subdued.

    Having beings that can stop time or hold Latios still in a pocket of space simply standing around not moving while something that has been attacking them is, presumably, preparing to do so again seems unrealistic.
    At the same time, they won't know what he's gonna do at the time, so they can't really do anything. Plus it would ruin the rest of the story. :6

    Again, her just standing as still as she has been doing seems a little off. She's had time to move by now, as has Dialga. She could turn to face him rather than simply standing as a shield if she wants to protect Dialga. Dialga could have frozen the time around Latios in this time span. The pair not acting makes no sense.
    Palkia not acting makes sense because this is a Pokemon that is more powerful than she is. She could water gun him in the face but it won;t be very affective.

    Palkia, 13-foot-tall Palkia, has enough room to roll over twice within 5 feet? Talk about spacial manipulation.
    how is that not possible? Anyone can roll twice whiten a certain number of feet.

    (i hope i did well explaining)
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Even though I never explained it in the story because it doesn't really fit in the storyline, Dialga and Palkia are not the only ones of their kind. There are more of them in their families, so thats why these guys seem like they are 15 years old (because they are lol)
    Ok, it would probably be a good idea to explain this within the story somewhere. If they're 15, they probably live with their families. You don't have to establish it in chapter one or anything, but you have to make that point sometime. Have them interact with their families at some point or otherwise have a flashback that includes them.

    Again, this doesn't have to happen in the first chapter, but should be established somewhere within the story.
    He's young and has a recent memory of it. Also I just remembered that Dialga was steel, which metal sinks in water; so giving me leeway to say that Dialga is afraid of water.
    Then it still might be better to show the memory (at least at some point) than to just say that "it happened in the past." Yes, a body made of steel sinking makes sense. Likewise, being afraid of the water after nearly drowning makes sense. That's not an issue when the Dialga in question is too young to just think of reversing time automatically when he's going under.

    But! This is an important instance in Dialga's past, and relevant to the story. He's afraid of the water, and that fear prevents him from doing something during the story. Since the event is important, it would be a good idea to have Dialga remember it at some point. Just having him remember sinking in place of simply saying that it happened in the past, in other words showing his memory to the reader, might make the scene you put together more powerful.
    this was my attempt to show. It was because there is a Blizzard Beach in real life but only by name. I was trying to show that this wasn't by name but by climate as well.
    But you already did show it, through the use of the blocks of ice and the chilly temperatures you already described. You showed the climate already. It might be OK to mention something along the lines of "The location remained cold year round" or "even though it was a warmer month, the ice was to be expected" (or if it isn't cold year-round, "winter was approaching/just ending, causing the waters around the area to freeze") instead.

    In the case of the latter, you could even further establish the scene by including what season it is.
    Buuut; don't forget that the wave was six inches from her and if you were to put a ruler out in front of you and measure six inches; that's pretty darn close. It'd be so close that you literally have no time to react; only watch as it's getting closer to you. It's the same with Palkia. Dialga's warning came too late, so she didn't have time to react or try to water gun the wave.
    And here we go again. You have a bad habit of explaining away problems with your story rather than taking advice posted. The point of posting something for others to read and comment on is to grow as a writer. That means listening to advice rather than defending every word you wrote.

    You can turn down advice, and it is ultimately your decision about what to keep and what to change. But if you refuse to change anything and instead continue to defend every aspect of your story even when people have called you on this specific point multiple times, then you discourage reviewers. It's hard to help someone who won't listen. You have to be willing to rewrite at least some scenes.

    Since the wave scene is one of the things you've been called on most often, you should pay special attention to whatever advice is given about it. You can still choose to reject these suggestions, but please show that you've thought about what was said instead of jumping to the defense of every single letter you typed.

    Anyway, the scene itself.

    1) Again, you state that Palkia has no time to do anything, while at the same time using language that shows Dialga "walking" (rather than running, dashing, or any other word that would indicate moving at high speed) in his actions to stop the wave. You try to "build suspense" by depicting the wave coming closer and closer, but it makes the wave seem like its moving slowly (if it was half-a-foot from her, it would hit her before you finished typing all the "closers and closers"). If it is slowing (due to Dialga interfering with it), she could at least have time to do something. If it's still moving full speed until it stops in time, you need to show this by the pacing of the story.

    You control the "pace" of events. The wave appears to the reader to be moving slowly by repeating the word "closer" as it approaches. If you want to show it moving fast, have the events happen one after another without slowing to describe in-between. Keep the wave speedy by cutting out the "closer and closer" suspense.

    2) Your insistence on Palkia being helpless is a major problem. She should react, or you should jump to the part when the wave stops. Let me put it this way: if she doesn't have time to react, then she doesn't have time to watch helplessly, either!

    If she does have enough time to see it coming at her, she should show some sort of reaction. She doesn't have to finish the action, but she should at least start one. She could squeeze her eyes shut (to protect her eyes from the force of the water). She could begin moving her arm up to block it (something that would happen instinctively, so it doesn't matter that she doesn't have time to react consciously). You could simply substitute "she watched helplessly" for "she braced herself for impact."

    And since the wave never does collide with her, she is given time to react. Even if the signals from her brain don't reach her body until the wave has already stopped, she should be shown doing something other than gaping at it like she's trying to catch flies.

    Again, if you don't want her to be a damsel in distress, don't insist on making her helpless in situation after situation.

    3) She is a WATER-type. As I mentioned, even non-fish waters have been shown as able to breathe underwater in the anime. If you want to depict her as having to hold her breath anyway, keep in mind that the wave isn't very big compared to Palkia herself, and thus she'd most likely be able to surface on her own after the wave passes. Now if you focused on the huge, heavy blocks of ice within the wave (which could do significant damage to her if they hit, especially if they were headed toward her head), the wave could be a threat even at this size. You wouldn't even have to change the scene much. You've already included the ice carried by the wave in the scene, so just add a line saying "an especially large chunk of ice was headed for her head with enough force to render her unconscious/seriously injure her." Then have Dialga stop the wave, ice and all, as before.

    4) Don't just read a single point above and work on that alone. Think about all three points I've made about this scene.
    I never explained this one as well, but Palkia hasnt been in water where there was big waves; At the lake, there is some but not as big as the ones at the beach.
    Then explain somewhere in the story that this is her first time in the ocean rather than at a lake. If it's her first time in the ocean, she would probably be pretty excited about it, right? This can be worked in as early as the first few paragraphs.
    At the same time, in this verse; Palkia is pretty much weaker than Dialga because of the type of powers they have the the stats they were born with; so it's natural for Palkia to think that without Dialga, she would have been doomed.
    ...
    ...
    Why? In the game-verse, their stat totals are the same. Water/Dragon has a dual resistance to water (which waves are made of) while Dialga only resists with one of his types (and, as you say, sinks). Type-wise, she would have the advantage against waves. Her ONLY weakness is Dragon, while his are Fighting and Ground, so they're pretty close as far as amount of weaknesses goes.

    Space is all that exists, including the air and waves. She could control the direction of the water or warp air to in front of her face.

    What's with the insistence that she be the weaker one?
    For Dialga to lend Palkia his power? It kinda makes sense because he's looking out for her and wants her to be protected. Arceus did the same thing; thus thats where I got the "lend you my power" thing from.
    I was referring to the fact that you hadn't yet established in the story whether there were multiples of Dialga and Palkia or if they were literal gods, and that you needed to establish that they are not one-of-a-kind in order for Palkia to be this weak. See my earlier comment about how you can establish this.

    You also still have Palkia relying on Dialga's powers rather than using her own. This is OK IF you plan on having Palkia grow to the point where she does eventually use, and value, her own abilities.
    I do that because I'm describing her; Latias IS small and fragile in the movie.
    Small, yes, but she's not really all that fragile. Her defensive stats (the measure of her endurance) are one of Latias's strong points. I don't remember her being depicted as particularly fragile in the movie, either.
    I wasn't trying to say it as a matter of fact statement. I was saying it how the characters were thinking. I am trusting as well, but I don't think knowing someone's name =/= not being strangers. So I was kinda show Latias' immaturity. I said that she didn't seem smart in the character's POV.
    You say it in a portion of the story that can be read as the narration, which the reader takes for "matter-of-fact." You need to establish that this is what Dialga and/or Palkia is thinking by separating it from the narration.

    Simply saying "Dialga thought . . ." or "Palkia thought . . ." in front of the statement will help separate it from the narration and make it clear that this is the character's opinion rather than facts presented to the reader.
    In the movie, Latios was invisible but you can see his outline, thats how the characters were able to spot him. In this case, when Dialga looked over, he can see the shape of a object that was supposed to be invisible, but he can spot the outline when he looked at the water.
    There's a difference between "invisible" and "transparent" that a lot of movies don't often state very well. "Invisible" literally means "not visible." Meaning you cannot see it at all.

    "Transparent" means you can see through it, but can still see the thing itself when the light hits it right. Like a glass window, it's not invisible but rather transparent, and thus can be seen when the light hits it. The fact that movies just tend to use the word invisible as shorthand for see-through doesn't make it the right word to use.

    Likewise, you can simply say "Dialga saw the outline of an otherwise invisible object" since the outline would be visible.
    Meaning they were all withen two feet of the water; wait, now I'm confused
    Maybe that's because the way you worded it was confusing to the reader. Just change up the phrase to say they were within two feet of the water, as you do here, and that should clarify things.
    I can say that the big wave in this chapter was a fast moving one, unlike the other where he stopped time before it could wipe out Palkia.

    And also because they are on land, I thought nothing of it;
    The thing is, you said earlier that Palkia had no time to react to "the wave" in the first chapter. In other words, it was moving fast too, but Dialga had time to react to that one. It's less a problem with the initial time Latios is attacking because Dialga's caught off guard (while he saw the wave in Chapter 1 coming in from a distance), but as Latios keeps charging, he should have the ability to react.

    Now, whether he can target the fast-moving Latios is another story. You could show him trying to stop whatever keeps charging at them and missing, freezing only pockets of air instead. Or, if he can just make the whole area around himself stop, then explain that he needs time to recover from the last use of his powers before he can freeze time again. He's a young Dialga, learning his time powers. Use this scene as an opportunity to describe what limits he has at this point in his training.
    Her bubapedia page says she has an irritating shrill and uses it when she's in danger. So i wasn't trying to make her annoying
    The word "irritating" means "annoying." When writing, every word sets the scene. When describing a character, each adjective you use tells the reader what to think about that character or their actions. Just because bulbapedia says "irritating shrill" doesn't mean that this is the only way to describe the sound. Find synonyms to use that set the mood you want to set for the character and scene. This will help you direct the feelings a reader is supposed to have toward a character.

    Likewise with describing Palkia as helpless. Do you want the reader to come away feeling that Palkia is unable to handle stuff on her own at all? Or do you want to show someone who is trying to become stronger but not able to overcome her weaknesses (yet)? These are things your word choice will tell the readers.
    But the guy she loves is... wait.

    I called her brave because it kinda puts her in a better light and it makes it so that I'm not "degrading" her because she's a girl. And also, the first two, times, Palkia was the one in trouble, but this time it was Dialga and since he saved her, she wants to be able to protect him.

    I also called her brave because she is protecting Dialga from a Pokemon that is much stronger than she is.
    I'm not saying that she isn't brave for doing so. I'm saying that there is a disconnect between her actions here and her actions when the wave is closing in that needs to be addressed.

    I'm also not saying to make her less brave here. I'm trying to show you that you have written a scene in which Palkia is able to act. Now try to apply this elsewhere so she doesn't just watch helplessly in the previous situations. Make her at least attempt to brace herself for the earlier wave so it doesn't seem out of place when she tries to protect Dialga later.

    There is also a way to keep her from seemingly contradicting earlier actions without changing how she acts earlier, but it's a bit trickier to pull off by showing rather than telling. You could emphasize how Palkia distinguishes the two situations as different. She might be more comfortable resisting a living creature than a force of nature, for example. Or she might be more willing to act on anothers' behalf than her own. But you have to make her reasons for seeing one situation as hopeless and the other as something she has to do something about are clear.
    that would have been a better idea on my part.
    Then edit it!
    I wanted her to be afraid to a point that she had disobeyed Latios, now she's going to have to listen to him yell at her.
    If she's just expecting a lecture, as opposed to a violent outburst, she probably shouldn't be screaming in fear when she sees him coming (unless, at that point, she doesn't know it's Latios coming but rather thinks they're being attacked by some creature they can't see). She's shaking and whimpering, which suggests fear rather than being sorry for breaking rules or anticipating a verbal punishment.

    If she's feeling guilty for having broken the rules, you can depict this by her lowering her head and glancing out from behind Dialga somewhat tentatively. If it's the volume of the lecture she's concerned about, have her cover her ears in preparation for the yelling.

    Her reaction needs to reflect the degree of danger or unpleasantness she thinks she will be experiencing.
    At the same time, they won't know what he's gonna do at the time, so they can't really do anything. Plus it would ruin the rest of the story. :6
    Exactly. They don't know what he's going to do. That means, as far as they know, he's just as likely to be attacking them with the intent to do serious harm as he is to be simply concerned for Latias. They don't know who his target is at this point, either.

    Since they don't know what this stranger wants to do, they need to react as though they're expecting the worst, for their own and Latias's protection. Dialga could try to freeze him, as this wouldn't harm him and would allow them to figure out what he wants while he's stuck.

    Or, since you want to keep the plot moving (bad pun!), you could show them trying to stop Latios but missing because he's too quick.

    Finally, how will it "ruin" the plot? I can't see where it's going at the moment, so I can't offer suggestions that take future events into account. I can only work with what I'm given. But if you need him to keep moving, then either explain that Dialga's powers need to recharge (which makes sense, given that Roar Of Time comes with a recharge phase), or that he's trying to stop Latios but missing.
    Palkia not acting makes sense because this is a Pokemon that is more powerful than she is. She could water gun him in the face but it won;t be very affective.
    And we return to the fact that Palkia's actions don't always gel well with her other actions. First she's helpless, then she's brave, then she's helpless again. No action, action, no action. You need to make it clear why she acts in one situation but freezes on the spot in others. Make her actions consistent, or provide reasons for inconsistencies.

    Also note that I said "the pair." Dialga could be trying to freeze Latios while Palkia acts as a shield.
    how is that not possible? Anyone can roll twice whiten a certain number of feet.
    Measure your width. Now place a pair of tape strips on the floor at a distance smaller than your width. Now roll over while staying between the tape marks.

    Understand it now?

    Palkia rolling over once would have caused her to move more than 5 feet from her starting position. Just say she rolled over twice and omit the "within five feet" part.
    (i hope i did well explaining)
    This is the problem. You have a tendency to attempt to explain away whatever reviewers try to point out rather than taking advice when it's offered. You don't have to take every bit of advice, no, but you need to acknowledge it. You are allowed to defend your decisions, yes, but you need to show that you have at reason for doing so that doesn't appear as though you just expected everything to be right the first time. You have to be willing to rewrite some scenes.

    I hope I don't sound to harsh, but if you are not willing to take advice, people will stop offering it (especially since you haven't edited the present/past tense issues pointed out to you either yet).
    Last edited by Ememew; 24th January 2012 at 11:42 PM.

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    I fixed both chapter based on all advice given and also fixed those pesky tenses that were hard

    here's p3:

    “So… you like little girls eh?” the Pokemon asked.

    Upon asking that question, Dialga felt afraid and intimidated by this blue Pokemon. He just stood there, staring hard at him as he was clearly waiting for an answer to his question.

    “Not as much as you like pushing them around,” Dialga said sarcastically as Palkia proceeded to get herself off the ground and once again put herself in front of her loved one.

    “Oh, so we got remarks…” the Pokemon said in a standoffish tone. “But yeah, just wanted to say: stay away from my sister!”

    “Latios, wait!” Latias shouted as she tried to interject into the conversation.

    However, Latios turned to her and gave her a serious look on his face. “I’m speaking, so hush.”

    “Wait a second!” Dialga interjected. “She ran into us and she wanted to be friends, then she wanted to help her look for her house. We weren’t doing anything wrong, honest!” he said in a fast pace.

    Hearing that Latias didn’t know where her home was when she encountered these two dragons, Latios turned to Latias and gave her yet another serious look. By the look on his eyes and facial expression, he was NOT happy with her.

    “What have I told you about sneaking out of the house Latias?” he asked in a stern tone.

    “D-d-don’t sneak out the house?” Latias replied.

    “Exactly! Why did you do it?!” Latios asked her while going on a tangent. “We are in a new region, Latias. You don’t know your way around here and neither do I. So imagine how I felt when I was looking for you and I couldn’t find you. Don’t know you that someone can hurt you, Latias?! Really!”

    During that rant, Latios can feel himself tensing up by the minute. The thought of his little sister getting harmed by a total stranger makes him not only sick, but angry. He has always told Latias not to leave the house without his permission, but she doesn’t listen. She sneaks out anyway, even when he tells her no. Most of the time, he doesn’t let her go out of the house without him because of the threat that is out there. Alone, she can be vulnerable to a lot of things, due to her naivety. With him guarding her, he can issue an attack on anyone who dares to harm his little sister.

    “Somebody could just grab you, Latias. What would I have done?! WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?!” he screamed.

    The whole time, Dialga and Palkia were just standing there, watching the whole ordeal unfold right before their eyes. They are not sure what to make of the situation as of now however; they could tell that Latias was in trouble. A lot of trouble.

    “Can we leave now, Dialga?” Palkia whispered to him as she still stood there in front of him with her arms stretched.

    “We can’t just leave this girl behind. It's wrong,” Dialga whispered back.

    “But this guy is scaring me…” she said in a worried tone.

    “It’s okay, Palkia. If he does anything to you, I’ll be sure to protect you,” he reassured.

    Meanwhile, back to the siblings, Latias was still shaken by this. Latios’ words stung her like needles. What would he have done if she was harmed? What would he have done if he lost her? By the way he was saying this, he would be at lost for words. So the reason he was upset was because he feared that he lost her. Understanding this in her own way, she finally calmed down a bit to the point where she was not shaking in fear.

    “Why?” Latios yelled as he was still confronting his sister.

    Then he took his left hand, and moved it toward her face. He then placed his thumb on one side of her face while his other fingers were on the opposite side; then moving his fingers and thumb toward each other, thus squeezing her face. He moved closer to his as he continued talking.

    “WHY DID YOU DO IT?!” Latios screamed out once more.

    By that time, Dialga was trying his hardest not to butt into this family matter as he just watched. However, that image of Latios grabbing Latias’ face, then yelling at her was just too much to handle. He wanted to do something to help her. Whether he was her brother or whoever he was to her, he knew that he couldn’t let him be mean to his little sister.

    “STOP!” Dialga called out.

    All of a sudden, the two siblings halted to a stop, literally. The two were not moving and still in the same position as they were last at. Latios’ hand is still on Latias’ face and he just staring at them. They just froze that way. Now was the time to separate these two Dialga went over to the Latis and began tugging on Latios’ hand to separate it from his sisters face. As he did that, Palkia turned around and saw that the two siblings were not moving at all, and that Dialga was tugging on Latios.

    “What are you doing?!” Palkia asked in shock.

    “Breaking them apart,” Dialga replied as he successfully pried Latios from his sister.
    Last edited by はるひ; 25th January 2012 at 11:36 AM.
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