They’re confusing things that I can’t understand, and I’m just fine with that.
I think the emphasis is on her being fine not liking Pokemon, not with finding them confusing and hard to understand. Maybe just end this with “but that doesn’t concern me” or something in that vein.
I live in Nalik. I don’t know much about where it is, but I know it’s an island surrounded by a forest.
This feels a little strange for Mary Jane to consciously be thinking about. Most people don’t really ask “where am I?” because the answer is usually literally “I am here.” Is she concerned with where Nalik is in relation to the rest of the world? The rest of the region? She already seems so introverted (considering her love of books and preference to stay home) that I wouldn’t think she would spend time thinking about these things.
Sometimes the elders like to sit around the fire and talk about the old days.
Should be “something that makes
the elders like to sit around”
It’s funny that we call them elders, because they really are rather young.
Instead of saying “they really are rather young,” what about saying “they really aren’t old”? I figure they’re not that
young that I would use the word “young.”
He keeps his hair long and brings his guitar with him wherever he goes, writing songs about his two blitzles that he had before the release. He says their names were Bolt and Volt.
I would merge these into one sentences, making it “writing songs about his two blitzles, Bolt and Volt, he’d had before the release.” Capitalizing Pokemon names isn’t mandatory, though generally the plural of a Pokemon name doesn’t add an “s” at the end. Either way, it’s up to you, just make sure to be consistent. :>
When I was very tiny, people still lived with Pokémon.
I would say “little” instead of “tiny.” “Little” implies being young as well as small, but “tiny” just sounds like she was the size of a thimble or something. XD
I know all about Hilda’s journey, of course, as many of the books I have access to document it.
The end of the sentence is very wordy. You could just shorten this entire sentence to something like “I’ve read about Hilda’s journey countless times.” I also find it a little curious that Team Plasma didn’t erase all records of Hilda or make her sound like a villain or something, so that nobody would want to try and repeat Hilda’s attempt or view her as a hero.
Whoever gets the painted stone is the 'lucky winner'.
My heart’s in my throat as I stare at the stone in my hand. It’s a trick of the light. It has to be.
I REALLY like this part. The jump from exposition to that stomach-clenching feeling she feels in the moment feels strong and sudden, making us feel the same way Mary Jane does.
No, I want to tell her. No, you’re wrong. The rock isn't red. It's a trick of the light. It has to be.
But she's wrong beyond that.
I really like that she’s trying to convince herself it’s a trick of the light here, and that she can't accept it even by the end. Although I think you should go with “they” instead of “she” so as to give more of an impression that it’s not just one lady – it’s everyone, and it’s not just this lady who’s wrong – it’s everyone.