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Thread: The Quest for Edinoak

  1. #1
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    Default The Quest for Edinoak

    The Quest for Eindoak
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    _________________________
    Chapter 1: The Story Begins
    _________________________

    The Story of Victini and the People of the Vale

    Over 1000 years ago, there lived a mighty King who was greatly loved by his people. He had only one Pokémon who was named Victini. At this time, Eindoak was named the Kingdom of the Vale and the castle, located at the top of the mountain, produced an invisible force field named the Dragon Force. Using this force, humans and Pokémon alike were able to be in perfect harmony with nature.
    The King had two sons who were twins. Both Princes were filled with wisdom and courage. They both had nicknames. One of the Princes was named ‘The Hero of Ideals’ who had the dragon named Zekrom with him. The other Prince was called ‘The Hero of Truth’ who kept the other great dragon Pokémon named Reshiram.
    But the country suddenly lost its way and the two Princes managed to become enemies. Their Dragons started to attack each other, finally wounding each other which used up all of their life energy. With no more strength, they both transformed into two stones – Reshiram transformed into the Light Stone and Zekrom changed into the Dark Stone – and they fell into a long deep slumber. By the time the two Princes realized their mistake, it was too late – the Dragon Force became chaotic.
    Witnessing the destruction of his land, the King asked Victini to grant him the use of her power which she agreed to do. The King, then, created a barrier around the castle using the Pillars of Protection. With all his people safe on the castle, he used his magical powers to make the castle lift into the sky and land on another safe mountain top. Although the people were safe, the King had sacrificed himself in the progress. Victini, having not understood why the King wasn’t moving, stayed by his side and shortly vanished from sight for more than 1000 years but the pillars trapped Victini so she could never leave the country. The two Princes were filled with deep remorse and they moved the two stones to a safe and secret location somewhere beneath the castle.


    A pale medium sized hand closed over the old, red leathered book and settled it down onto the small worn out table where the book always was kept. Two large jade eyes stared up from the sunlit white mug filled with brown coffee that she was holding. The woman’s brown beehive-shaped hair had got tangled in her round red earrings and she brushed a patch of it away with her palms. She grumbled as she looked at her knee-length skirt which was rising a bit higher than it was supposed to be. She quickly got up and smoothed the jade skirt down before settling back onto the old violet arm-chair. She swiftly moved her head down to the white T-Shirt she was wearing to make sure nothing was wrong with that. Her mouth did a weak smile of relief but her face looked sad and tired...
    “Professor Juniper,” My voice suddenly jolted her from her daydream. “Are you alright?”
    “I’m fine, Catherine.” She smiled. She observed my violet eyes as if to confirm that she was happy before settling her cup of coffee onto the table, with the red-leathered book, beside her.
    “What’s that book you’re reading?” I gazed at the red leather binding and I stared in awe at the golden stitch of a Victini. I then observed the width of the book – it must have at least 1000 pages!
    “It’s a story of Victini and the People of the Vale.”
    “A story!?” I smiled. “May I read it?”
    How childish I must have sounded. I was a girl of 12 years old who had finished her journey and defeated Team Plasma and the Champion of the Unova Region, Alder. I looked at my long blonde curly hair which came down to my waist and smiled a little at how wavy it was - it was like a yellow waterfall. I then observed my pink outfit.
    “If you like it all that much, you can have it.”
    “But, Professor...” I exclaimed.
    “I insist, Catherine.” She looked at me.
    “You are very kind but can’t take this wonderful book home – I have no space for a book so grand.” My cheeks turned rosy and I stared at the ground to make Juniper not notice my feelings.
    I felt absolutely guilty of saying that my house was far too small. How my mother would weep if she heard me say that. My mother, Cynthia, the Champion of the Sinnoh Region, was rich and had bought us a massive mansion but I still think our house is small. Come on, Catherine, your house has 5 ballroom-sized rooms. You have over 20 guest rooms. You do have space, my mind kept telling me but even my own house seemed small enough to fit into a mouse hole – so even a palace can be like a prison. I loved staying outside the house as often as I could.
    “I’m sure you can find a place in your heart for it.” Juniper smiled warmly. I had no option but to smile back to her kindness.
    “Thank you, Professor.”
    I suddenly heard a noise in my bag – my Xtransceiver. I looked through the front of my pink bag but no sign of it and what’s worse my long blonde hair got tangled in the progress! I finally found my Xtransceiver - it was resting at the bottom of my bag! “Hello, Catherine here.” My face appeared on the screen as well as the person I was speaking to - but I wasn’t interested in that, I wasn’t really bothered at all.
    “Dearie!” I almost got a fright at the voice who called my name. It was a kind and loving voice – the best voice anyone could have.
    “Hi, Mum!” I faked a smile to make her unaware of how much fright she gave me.
    “Oh, what have you done to your darling hair?”
    “Ur....” I stammered, feeling ashamed of myself. “I...um...” Come on, Catherine, My mind ordered. Say something except stammering! “While I was looking for the phone, my hair got tangled.” I almost burst out laughing by my stupidity. I still felt so mortified. What a character I was – a character without confidence! Well, at least it wasn’t the other way round! Mother always says, ‘Confidence without character is dangerous.’My mind reminded me.
    “Don’t be afraid, honey.” My eyes moved to my Mother on the screen. “Don’t be at a loss for words when I’m here.” She smiled kindly. I had no option, whatsoever, but to smile back. “May I inquire how you are feeling?”
    I nodded my head. “You may. I’m feeling fine although I would like to ask why you were asking that.”
    “Well, I am your mother, am I not?”
    “Yes but still, it isn’t like you to ask people those sorts of questions.”
    “I see - I do have something I need to tell you.”
    “Really, what’s that, Mum?” I asked.
    “Someone I need to speak to lives in the Kingdom of the Vale. You know where that is?”
    “Ur.... no, I don’t.” I was so humiliated at how I responded to that – that now told my mother what score I got in Geology.
    “Take a look at the Unova map you have.” She advised. I rummaged about my bag and found the map. You know the boat at the very edge of Nimbasa City?”
    “What boat? There are no boats in Nimbasa City!” I frowned.
    “You may be surprised. Go to Route 5 and speak to Looker. Take care and I’ll meet you over there!”
    “Hm... okay. Will you be alright?”
    “I’ll be fine, honey. You take care of yourself and I’ll meet you on Route 5. That’s a promise!” And with that, she hung up.


    _____________________
    Chapter 2: Nimbasa City
    ____________________

    “I heard all of that!” The voice made me jump.
    “I wish people didn’t do that to me!” Oh dear, I sounded so childish and so bossy. “Sorry.” I apologised.
    “No need to, dearie.” She smiled. “I’ll take you to Nimbasa City!”
    “Really!?” No words could describe how happy I was. “That would be great, thank you so much!”
    “No problem, dearie.” She grinned.
    When I got outside of Professor Juniper’s Lab, I suddenly felt only one thing – Freedom.
    The Pidoves were squeaking and flapping their wings delightfully as they soared overhead. I felt like laughing out loud.
    But then Juniper took out her car keys and pointed it at her red Land Rover. I sighed and got into the car, trying to shake off the feeling of freedom.
    “You appear to be sad.” Juniper looked at me with pity. No-one, except from my mother, had ever done that to me before.
    “No, I was just wondering what it would be like to be free of the palace.”
    “Why would you need freedom from your palace?”
    “I don’t know. It just feels like a prison to me.”
    “It is quite understandable.”
    “Really?!” I turned to the Professor so suddenly that I’m sure I made her jump.
    “Yes, even my large lab feels quite crowded, even when two people are in the room.”
    “Well, I’m glad I have someone who understands me.” I smiled a little.
    Her car suddenly started to slow down and shortly stopped and we had only reached Castelia City.
    “Oh dear!” Juniper then said words I couldn’t quite make out but I understood that she was not happy. “The car’s broken down! And to think I had filled it up with plenty of petrol.”
    “Well, that doesn’t make sense if the car can run out of petrol like that – Unless....” I look under the land Rover and see a trail of oil coming from the engine. “Someone’s been tampering with it.”
    “Oh dear, of all days to be late - we’ll never get there in time unless you take the boat that leaves in one minute.”
    “That won’t work!” I sighed. Then I looked down at my bag and thought of an idea. “But I could use Samurott!”
    “Ah, that’s an excellent idea, Catherine!” She clapped her hands in applause. My cheeks reddened.
    “Samurott – come on out!” I threw my Poké Ball into the air. It opened, and in a flash of a bright light, my huge otter sea lion came out.
    “WROTTTTT!!!!” He roared.
    “Samurott, use Surf!” I commanded.
    “Wrott!” He nodded. In the blink of an eye, Samurott leaped into the ocean and I climbed onto his back.
    “What about you?” I turned my head to Professor Juniper.
    “Go, I’ll catch up later!” She told me. I nodded.
    “Very well then, I’ll see you soon!” I waved goodbye and set off across the sea to Nimbasa City. “You did an awesome job, Samurott. Have a good rest.” Samurott’s Poké Ball opened, sparked a red light from the core of it, and Samurott faded into it.
    Nimbasa City... oh it was good to see everything again - the Pokemon Musical, The Nimbasa City Gym, the gym Leader Elesa, the Ferris Wheel - my head was full of so much excitement.
    “Well, if it isn’t Catherine!?” I was shocked that even the Gym Leader couldn’t control her excitement. Her boyish-cut blonde hair was so bright that my eyes hurt to look at it.
    Yes, she hadn’t changed a bit after 6 months.
    She still wore those weird headphones with the odd wires coming down from the two circles at either side of her ears all the way down to the area between the knee and the ankle (I suppose you call that the ‘calf’ but I’m not so sure). She also wore the odd yellow thigh-length dress with the funky holes in the middle made to look like three black arrows pointing down the way (↓). She had that black leather ring around her neck (She loves that type of jewellery I suppose.) and those skinny tights (I sure hope they are tights. If they are skinny jeans... what would her actual legs be since she has really skinny legs) with those yellow high heels – What would you expect from an Electric-type Gym Leader?
    I embraced her. “I’ve missed you so much!” Her two Emolga came out of their Poké Ball and they both came over and cuddled me. “And you two as well.” I added in. Suddenly, in a flash, a full-grown Zebra appeared and leaped on top of me. “And I’ve missed you, Zebstrika.” I laughed as the Zebra licked my face. “Come on, cut it out!” I giggled.
    “I’ve never seen them so excited in all my life.” Elesa chuckled as she watched her two Emolga land on me and give me a hug.
    “That I am not surprised of.” I groaned as I shoved them out my way. “Now, I must come straight to the point.”
    “What is it that you need?” Elesa watched as I shook the dust of my trousers.
    “I need to find Looker.”
    “Looker?!” Her voice changed to a sarcastic one. “What business do you have with him?”
    “It’s a long story.” I sighed. “It will be even longer if I told you.”
    “Alright.” She changed her voice back to the way it was. It did frighten me so about how many voices she could do in one day - from cheerful to gloominess, from hyper to tired; she always had a voice to tell her feelings. “I’d better come with you to see Looker then.”
    “Do you know if he is still on Route 5?”
    “Yes. Not only that but Cynthia and Damon are also on Route 5 and they seem to be arguing.”
    “Who is Damon? What are they arguing about?”
    “That I am not sure of.” She sighed. Her Pokemon started to shake as we made our way to Route 5.
    “What does that mean?” I stared in horror as the wind started to pick up and suddenly the sun went behind the dark grey clouds.
    “This means ‘trouble’.” Elesa proclaimed.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Next two chapters up soon
    Hope you like the story so far
    ~Victini01
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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    ★ "This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change." ★
    ~Taylor Swift

  2. #2
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    Good story! ^^ You have picked the idea of the Victini movie, well done. Can you VM me when you get a new chapter?

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  3. #3
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    I just skimmed over this to begin with, but the first thing that really pops out; this looks more or less like a giant wall of text. You should put a space between each paragraph. Otherwise, it all just blends together.

    Anyway, for a more in-depth look a it.

    Their Dragons started to attack each other, finally wounding each other which used up all of their life energy.
    This sentence is awkward to read. Maybe instead, something like this: As their Dragons began to attack each other, the energy they expended started to drain their life energy, until there was little left. Just a suggestion, however.

    Victini, having not understood why the King wasn’t moving, stayed by his side and shortly vanished from sight for more than 1000 years but the pillars trapped Victini so she could never leave the country.
    This is another awkward sentence, that should either be broken up, or reworded.

    “You are very kind but can’t take this wonderful book home – I have no space for a book so grand.” My cheeks turned rosy and I stared at the ground to make Juniper not notice my feelings.
    Most twelve years old girls don't talk like that

    I nodded my head. “You may. I’m feeling fine although I would like to ask why you were asking that.”
    Same issue


    Anyway, this fic needs a bit of work, however, I didn't really notice any spelling errors, which is good, and overall, this was pretty well written. Basically you just have a few issues with awkward sentences, a little bit of the dialogue could be tweaked, and then there's the issue of spacing out your paragraphs. Other than that, good luck, and I'll be keeping an eye out to see how this progresses.

    - Agonist

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by 11tjcoulombe View Post
    I just skimmed over this to begin with, but the first thing that really pops out; this looks more or less like a giant wall of text. You should put a space between each paragraph. Otherwise, it all just blends together.

    Anyway, for a more in-depth look a it.



    This sentence is awkward to read. Maybe instead, something like this: As their Dragons began to attack each other, the energy they expended started to drain their life energy, until there was little left. Just a suggestion, however.



    This is another awkward sentence, that should either be broken up, or reworded.



    Most twelve years old girls don't talk like that



    Same issue


    Anyway, this fic needs a bit of work, however, I didn't really notice any spelling errors, which is good, and overall, this was pretty well written. Basically you just have a few issues with awkward sentences, a little bit of the dialogue could be tweaked, and then there's the issue of spacing out your paragraphs. Other than that, good luck, and I'll be keeping an eye out to see how this progresses.

    - Agonist
    Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for the next couple of chapters. That makes sense now. Thanks so much for telling me.



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    ★ "This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change." ★
    ~Taylor Swift

  5. #5
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    So ehm...Only asking, but when comes the next chapter? :3 I really love this story! ^^

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