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Thread: Pokemon: Destiny Ties PG - 14

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon: Destiny Ties PG - 14

    This is the first of my Pokemon fanfics that I have done. It's not complete but I hope you will like it and consider reading some of my other work!
    These are chapters 1 and 2


    1

    The Eevee winced as it was thrown at the wall at full force. She tried to stand up, but her legs were too weak to move. She moaned in pain as the group of three outlaws encircled her. The Toxicroak stood over her and laughed. ‘Give up Star. There’s no way out. Show us to the Crystal Lake and we might spare you!’ Star shook her head at them. Drapion’s face turned red with anger.

    ‘Are you seriously telling me that you won’t show us to it?!’

    ‘Yes.’ The Eevee said matter-of-factly. That did it for Drapion. He charged at her using his renowned Crush Grip. It made contact hard and struck Eevee in the neck. Now Drapion was one squeeze away from killing Team Toxic’s only source to the Crystal Lake.

    ‘Stop!’ commanded Toxicroak, the obvious leader. Drapion relaxed its grip. It still held Eevee in a choker hold, but it was now impossible for it to kill Eevee in one crush. Arbok, the third member of the team slid over to Star’s companions, a Skitty and a Zigzagoon. The Arbok then hissed quietly, but loud enough for the sound to travel across the room.

    ‘You wouldn’t want me to eat your friendsss would you? I am very hungry and they would fit nicely in my belly...’ The Arbok laughed teasingly.

    Star opened her mouth in shock. ‘You wouldn’t do that! Just to get to the Crystal Lake!? What are you, crazy?’ The Toxicroak smiled wickedly and walked casually over to the Eevee. Once there he extended one of his claws and put it gently on Eevee’s chin. The claw was laced with poison that would seriously harm you if you weren’t careful.

    The Toxicroak opened his mouth and spoke sinisterly, ‘No, young Star we are not crazy. We have been tracking your movements for a good twenty years now, waiting for the time when you were in a form that was weaker than us. And now you are. Why don’t you turn into a ridiculously powerful Pokémon and beat us right now?’

    The Eevee mumbled something under her breath.

    ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch said. Please can you repeat it?’ The Toxicroak mocked, he glared at her, trying to get her to tell her story to the Pokémon that had helped her in her darkest hour.

    The Eevee looked down at the poisonous claw and the hand of Drapion around her neck. ‘I said that I can’t change form in the presence of someone else.’ The Drapion laughed horribly and spat some saliva onto the Toxicroak’s face. The Toxicroak, angered by this turned to face the Drapion. The Drapion blushed and quickly apologised to his Team’s leader.

    ‘Now, where were we? Oh yes. Saskia here was about to eat your ‘team’ members unless you showed or told us where the Crystal Lake is. So why don’t you, Eevee!? Or should I say Mew?’

    The Skitty and Zigzagoon who were watching from the side gasped, they couldn’t believe their new friend was a legendary! ‘Did he just say Mew?’ the Zigzagoon questioned the Skitty.

    ‘I think so, Cory.’ The Skitty answered back.

    ‘Ssshusssh!’ hissed the Arbok, her anger apparent. The Toxicroak turned, his claw still resting on Eevee’s chin.

    ‘I think it’s feeding time, Saskia!’ he said smiling. The Arbok began to smile, it’s mouth widening massively.

    ‘Anything you say Nox!’ the Arbok said to Toxicroak. She opened her maw and began to size up her prey. Deducing that the Skitty was smaller, Saskia picked her up by her tail using her own powerful tail. She lifted the Skitty high into the air, just above her own head. The Arbok’s tail loosened its grip and the Skitty fell through the air and landed directly on Saskia’s tongue. The Skitty landed with its claws out. Saskia cried out in pain, and then dislodged the claws using her powerful tongue. The Skitty was rolled around in the Arbok’s mouth, before being swallowed down the oesophagus.

    ‘No!’ Cory screamed as he saw the blob of his friend travelling down the Arbok’s neck.

    For poor Skitty things were much worse. During her journey down Saskia’s throat she had attempted to stretch herself out so she would get stuck and then have to be spat out. While this thought rushed through Skitty’s mind she thought of something that may have made her laugh at any other time. If she were to be spat out she would become a hairball. How ironic, She thought. She lashed out with her paws, but the throat was too sticky and she couldn’t get a grip. Then below her she saw the gaping hole into the stomach. She screamed louder than she had ever screamed in her life.

    Outside of the body Cory heard her scream. ‘No! Anna...’ Saskia looked at him slyly.

    ‘Ssso this is Anna that I’m eating?’

    ‘Yes,’ Zigzagoon said unhappily.

    ‘Well, when you join her. Tell her ssshe was deliciousss!’ The Arbok giggled ecstatically as the bulge that was in her throat entered her belly. It distended outward about one foot. The Arbok moaned in delight at the feeling of all the struggles inside of her. She called the Toxicroak over and asked him to rub her belly. ‘Ohh yesss. That feelsss good!’ she said contentedly as the Toxicroak rubbed her belly whilst the Skitty struggled inside of her. Saskia’s tail made its way towards the rigid Zigzagoon. Her tail curled around its back leg and squeezed. The tail then swiftly moved up into the air until it was directly above Saskia’s gaping jaw...

    2

    Meanwhile...

    The Sandslash ran through the undergrowth, slashing the vines out of the way. Behind him he could hear the footsteps of his companion, a Marowak. The Marowak called out something that Sandslash could just make out.

    ‘Are... we... there?’ Sandslash continued running, his head towards the ground. The Marowak repeated his question a few minutes later, ‘Are we there?’ This time instead of giving no answer his teammate stopped suddenly. Marowak tried to slow down when he saw the Sandslash’s spikes pointing backwards, but couldn’t and hit them square on. He silently thanked his lucky stars that he wore a bone helmet. He still fell backwards landing hard on his tail. He heard a click as it snapped beneath him.

    ‘That’s gonna leave a mark!’ the Marowak said, attempting to not scream. The Sandslash motioned for the Marowak to move directly next to him. The Marowak did and stared forward in awe. ‘We’ve found it! The Great Fall! The way to the other side and it’s all ours!!!’ The tinkle of an artificial river nearby alerted them to the fact that their leader was coming. ‘Here comes Drake!’ the Marowak called out. The Sandslash nodded and rolled his eyes. Just because I’m a mute it doesn’t mean that I’m deaf as well, he thought. The Marowak didn’t notice the Sandslash’s sarcasm and began waving frantically to the Gyarados that was coming ever nearer.

    ‘Alright boys?’ boomed Drake, looking down at them.

    The Marowak began to dance with delight. ‘Yes! In fact more than that! I am so happy! We’ve finally found the great fall! Once we’re across the normal laws won’t apply, and we can steal forever!’ Drake looked down at him again, this time he was clearly annoyed.

    ‘Noryne, why do you have to always state the obvious? That is the only reason why we have come here!’ Marowak mumbled his apologies and then turned back towards the Great Fall. Two walls of stone and sand split by a ravine that was wider than the biggest city in all the land, yet was only a hundred metres across. This was the only point in the world where it was possible to travel across the border into the other side. It was guarded by the legendary trio of birds,

    Moltres, whose breath burned through flesh and bone,

    Zapdos, whose lightning could fell even the largest of enemies,

    And Articuno, whose breath could freeze the heart of a warrior.

    Passage through this mystic canyon was only granted by beating the birds in battle. Many had tried, none had succeeded. The other parts of the border were uncrossable as winds blew down on to hopeful teams, forcing them into a deep ravine, much deeper than the Great Falls, with no hope of escape, even for flying Pokémon, who couldn’t reach the top because of the Hellish winds that would throw them back to the ground. Inside this ravine lived a giant. A monster of an ancient Pokémon that would crush and eat any innocent Pokémon to fall into the ravine.

    Team Doom, for that was the name of the three gathered on the edge of the Great fall, had been searching for the great fall for many long years, trying to stay away from the Police. They had originally been a part of Team Rocket, but on a mission about a decade ago their lives were effectively erased from all records by Meowth, the cunning new leader of Team Rocket. Meowth had told the rest of the team that ‘sadly’ Team doom had died while trying to find the Crystal Lake. This was of course a lie. Their mission was much more dangerous. In fact Meowth had sent them on it so they would die.

    Their mission was to simply infiltrate the Police Corps HQ and steal the file on the ‘Great Fall’. Meowth knew no-one could survive the mission. But he was wrong. The members of Team Doom successfully completed the mission and vowed never to go back to the leader that tried to kill them. Since then the police have always been on their tail, trying to prevent them from getting over the border into a lawless country. But Team Doom have always been one step ahead, covering their tracks, making false paths and bribing villagers to lie.

    And now they stood, looking over the Great Fall into the horizon. Drake murmured something quietly to the rest of the team.

    ‘On the count of three we begin the battle. One...Two...Three!’ They leapt up into positions. Without warning the legendary birds appeared, as if teleporting in. Drake smirked as he sent a hydro Pump into the Moltres injuring it thoroughly. Noryne threw his Bonemerang at the Articuno hitting its head and sending it spiralling down. The Sandslash launched a full on Sand Tomb attack into the Zapdos, trapping it in a tornado of sand. The Zapdos shrieked in pain, and then let out a powerful Discharge attack that knocked out Drake. The Moltres, now back on its game fired out a Flamethrower attack onto the Marowak. The Articuno sent forth a crashing Powder Snow move knocking the Marowak and the Sandslash out. The Moltres then picked up the lifeless bodies in its talons and dropped them down into the canyon.

    A smile came to the Alakazam’s face as he and the rest of his police corps watched the battle end...
    Last edited by Donphan Dude; 1st November 2011 at 8:37 AM.
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


    People think that life on a team makes journeying easier. Others think this is wrong... Read my Mystery Dungeon fanfic: Destiny Ties

  2. #2
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    Great story! I really enjoyed it! Just two things that I spotted:

    The Toxicroak opened his mouth and spoke sinisterly, ‘No, young Star we are not crazy. We have been tracking your movements for a good twenty years now, waiting for the time when you were in a form that was weaker than us. And now you are. Why don’t you turn into a ridiculously powerful Pokémon and beat us right now?’

    The Eevee mumbled something under her breath.

    ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch said. Please can you repeat it?’ The Toxicroak mocked, wanting to make sure all the other surounding Pokemon could hear Eevee's confession.
    Okay, the bit in bold should be on a new paragraph, otherwise it sounds like Eevee is saying it. And the bit in italics I added to show that Toxicroak was the Pokemon speaking.

    Or

    You could just put all of it into one paragraph without my edit.


    The Marowak began to dance with delight.

    ‘Yes! In fact more than that! I am so happy! We’ve finally found the great fall! Once we’re across the normal laws won’t apply, and we can steal forever!’ Drake looked down at him again, this time he was clearly annoyed.
    This would probably sound better as one paragraph, but there is nothing wrong with it as it is.


    A great story, I'm already excited and interested by it, may I be on a PM list? Thanks and keep up the great work!

    Zorua Ponies scratch sprites made by me

  3. #3
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    Thanks for your useful criticism. Here's then next bit.
    3

    The Manectric galloped across the grassy plains with his colleagues, a well groomed Girafarig and a pristine Roselia following a short distance behind. Behind the Roselia was a large group of Rattata and Raticate that were shouting at the fleeing team. Manectric knew battle was inevitable so he stopped at the top of a hill. His team quickly noticed this and grinned at him.

    The Manectric called out to its team-mates. ‘Rose, Greeda, stop! We fight now!’

    Immediately the Roselia turned around and let out its Stun Spore attack onto the whole swarm of rats. The Girafarig’s tail head began to swing from side to side and then it cast a Psychic on the horde of rats. The tail moved the horde of screaming, flea-ridden rats over towards the Manectric who then cast a Discharge move on all of them, knocking them out.

    Their lifeless bodies fell onto the ground like rain whilst the Manectric laughed. He slowly walked over the leader of the clan and began to kick it. When the Manectric was satisfied it was unconscious he smirked at the Roselia and Girafarig.

    ‘Our work here is done girls!’ They tittered and followed him as he walked towards their forest base.

    The Manectric walked fast, at more of a trot and soon could see the two ramshackle tents his team owned. He didn’t notice the two yellow eyes staring at him from behind a large bush. He groaned in anger at the sight of his team’s meagre possessions. We deserve better than this, he thought, we’re a first class Evil team and this is all we have? It’s ridiculous. We should be living in a palace or something. Not some shitty little camp in the middle of the forest. Damn. I hate my life.

    ‘Yes, that’s it. Stay distracted by your own pointless thoughts... It won’t be long until you are under arrest...’ The two yellow eyes disappeared for a second, and then were replaced by a pair of purple eyes. This faded as well, leaving two black eyes staring at the Manectric. Then the voice continued. ‘In five seconds we shall advance on our target and apprehend it!’

    Suddenly a rustle in the bushes alerted Manectric to the presence of someone else. He turned swiftly to see an Alakazam, a Gardevoir and a Xatu jumping out of it...

    Manectric gasped as the three landed opposite him. He called upon his team to come and help, but nothing happened.

    ‘Rose, Greeda! I order you to come and help me this instant!’ No response. Manectric was now getting frantic, ‘Rose! Greeda! Where are you?!’ The Alakazam laughed at him.

    ‘Without your puny team mates you are nothing Surge! Nothing!! Now we have kidnapped your colleagues and we have them right here. Gardevoir moved her hands up and used her psychic powers to move the two hostages above her head. ‘Now,’ continued the Alakazam ‘you have a choice. Come quietly and we’ll take all three of you to jail. Or put up a fight and lose and then we’ll very badly injure the rest of your team. So what will it be?’

    Manectric darted its eyes back and forth, clearly scared. He put his hands up and said solemnly, ‘take me in.’ The Alakazam’s grin widened.

    ‘Excellent!’ he said as his mouth opened. ‘Excellent! Mwahahahaha! Now I shall receive my prize from the master!!!!!’ He spread his arms out and laughed again.

    The Xatu stared at him, anger on his face.

    ‘I think you mean WE are going to get the prize.’

    The Alakazam’s evil laugh stopped. ‘Sorry, I meant we. My mistake...’ He smirked. These jerks will be ‘accidentally’ killed before I collect the reward... The Alakazam thought. ‘Trap him in your Psychic Garlia.’

    The Gardevoir nodded and used her powers to suspend the Manectric in mid air.

    ‘In this bubble of Psychic energy your movements are so restricted that you cannot even move!’ Garlia said excitedly. The Manectric tried to kick his way out of the bubble, but to no avail. He tried a Discharge move and then a Hyper Beam, all with the same effect. Nothing.

    The trio of Psychic types began to walk back down the winding path towards the dead bodies of the massacred rats, thinking about the promotion they would each receive when they handed Team Bestial over...
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


    People think that life on a team makes journeying easier. Others think this is wrong... Read my Mystery Dungeon fanfic: Destiny Ties

  4. #4
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    Good chapter, I liked it a lot! At the moment, I'm on my iPod, so I can't really go back and check for mistakes, but it looked clear of any.

    Immediately the Roselia turned around and let out its Stun Spore attack onto the whole swarm of rats. The Girafarig’s tail head began to swing from side to side and then it cast a Psychic on the horde of rats. The tail moved the horde of screaming, flea-ridden rats over towards the Manectric who then cast a Discharge move on all of them, knocking them out.
    I like this bit, but I think you should add something about the Rattata and Raticate, maybe they scream out in fear or pain? Or fight back? Nothing big, but I think it will make the rats seem more real and involved in the story, if that makes any sense?

    I'm looking forward to the next chapter, keep it up!

    Zorua Ponies scratch sprites made by me

  5. #5
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    Yeah, the reason I didn't make the rats do anything is because Team Bestial are really powerful high level Pokemon that always steal and dislike to kill. But they were heavily outnumbered and the Manectric finally decided that it was time to attack and Team Bestial did. They attacked so quickly that the Rats couldn't do anything and died almost instantly due to their low level.
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


    People think that life on a team makes journeying easier. Others think this is wrong... Read my Mystery Dungeon fanfic: Destiny Ties

  6. #6
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    This is double-posting but here's the next chapter!

    4
    4

    Shadows danced in the crackling fire as the wind whistled through the dark forest. A gentle hum of some Illumise and Volbeat courting interrupted the silence.

    ‘How long have we been travelling now, Parkito?’ A female Luxray said to her partner. The other Pokémon turned to face her beauty.

    He smiled and replied warmly, ‘For about two years my darling!’

    ‘And how far have we left to travel?’ The Luxray’s face was right up close to her mate and her eyes were sparkling.

    ‘If we keep up our usual pace, I’d say another three years.’ He looked back at the Luxray, whose face was now in shock. The lover tried to redeem his partner’s love, ‘But, if we go to the Nightmare Ocean and sail across it we could cut out about one and a half years worth of walking.’

    ‘But isn’t the Nightmare Ocean where the tainted Kyogre lives? The one that was corrupted by Team Disaster?’ The Luxray’s shocked expression had now turned to one of being scared.

    ‘Yes, but Mystreen, we’ve accomplished so much, one Kyogre won’t stop us!’

    ‘Yes, but an army of evil Water Pokémon will!’ The Luxray blurted out. A flock of Pidgeys burst out of a nearby shrub and flew through the two courting fireflies above.

    ‘Shush!’ whispered Parkito. ‘Or we might be discovered in Gocilia’s territory!’

    Mystreen stared at Parkito apologetically and began to snuggle up to him for warmth.

    ‘Promise me you’ll never give up on me Parkito, promise me you’ll find me a cure!’

    ‘I promise...’ Parkito said softly as the Luxray fell fast asleep. Parkito began to shift himself away from Mystreen and, after an hour or so he was free. He turned back to Mystreen and spat on her. ‘So long, good friend...’ The male traitor begins to charge up his devastating attack. ‘Now you will face the wrath of the Master of all!’ His fake skin of a Houndoom disappears, and underneath is Arceus, creator of the Universe. ‘Judgement!’ he called out loudly. A shattering array of light blasts fire at the Luxray in her sleep.

    Mystreen woke screaming. The searing pain of a Ground-type Judgement shattered her strength. Her body was flung towards a tree and her head smashed on the trunk of it. Blood went everywhere, coating the ground in a deep crimson colour. The Arceus laughed at her crippled body and galloped away.

    Days past before Mystreen woke up. Her head still had a massive gash in it, but it had healed a bit. She sighed as the stretched out, and began to slowly walk towards the skin of the Houndoom.

    ‘Parkito, no... Who killed you?!’ she began to cry, moaning in regret. Her crying soon became a wail that shook the trees to their roots. Gocilia, the Arceus heard these cries and, using his all-seeing eye saw the source of the cries.

    ‘Mystreen still survives!!!! This time I will kill her properly!’ Gocilia flew out of his Mansion and scouted for her on the ground. After some time he spotted her, drinking from a stream. ‘There you are my pretty...’

    Mystreen felt the cool gentle water trickle down her chin as she scooped it up in her paws. Gulp. She swallowed some of it and began to purr. She lay back and looked up at the sky, only to see a giant Arceus hanging in the sky.

    ‘Aah!’ Mystreen screamed, as the Arceus blasted her with another Judgement. Mystreen dived out of the way but her tail was hit. ‘Who are you?!’ she shouted up at him as she unleashed a Thunderbolt.

    The Arceus laughed, ‘I am Gocilia, though you may know me better as Parkito!’ Mystreen gasped, how could this monster possibly be the love of her life, Parkito the Houndoom?

    ‘You’re lying! I know you are! You must be! Parkito was a Houndoom, you’re an Arceus. About 30 times bigger than my love!’ Mystreen tried to hold back the tears but Gocilia saw them.

    ‘You weakling, Mystreen. I thought you were tougher than the others; after all you survived my Ground Judgement. No-one else got past that...’ The Arceus said quietly.

    ‘What!? So I’m not the first to make this journey?’ Mystreen said Aghast.

    The Arceus chuckled. ‘No, of you are not. Every year a brave warrior attempts to get to the ultimate prize, none have claimed it. Weaker warriors are killed before they make it to me, the Ultimate Guardian of the Rose Stone! Mwahahahahahaha!’

    Mystreen smiled, ‘So you are the evil one that killed my father. I shall enjoy slaying you!’

    ‘What?!’ the Arceus stifled. ‘You dare threaten the great Gocilia?’

    Mystreen smirked. ‘Pathetic. You are weak, weaker than many others; you hide behind your powerful plates that allow you to change to whatever type you choose. I want a fair battle. Me against you in your Normal form.’

    The Arceus thought this over for a minute then replied. ‘Fine. I shall create a stadium for our battle.’ The Arceus lifted its hooves and began to chant. ‘Vi sy sikinum. Vi sy sikinum. Vi sy sikinum. Now!’ The ground beneath Mystreen began to shake violently. Slow at first but then quicker each time. Then an immense stone monument appeared out of the ground and encircled Mystreen and Gocilia. ‘This is where our battle begins, on the count of three. One, two three!!!!’
    DD is in the house!

    As the twelve dimensions crumble, only a few that have been chosen by fate have the power to stop the evil onslaught Read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic


    People think that life on a team makes journeying easier. Others think this is wrong... Read my Mystery Dungeon fanfic: Destiny Ties

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