View Poll Results: does this have poetental?

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  • yes

    5 50.00%
  • nah

    3 30.00%
  • OMG Sweet Apple Massacure waffles ><

    2 20.00%
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Thread: Space lives on your breath... (PG-15)

  1. #1

    Default Space lives on your breath... (PG-15)

    This story has Pokemon in human form. Also rated PG-15 for the following:
    -sexual content
    -abuse
    -sexism
    -female characters glorifying the sexist character
    -cursing
    -teenage girl flirting with older man


    “Space lives on your breath…”

    …a phrase that never seemed to leave my mind.

    Space…

    I don’t know… useless maybe? At a young age, I told my family that I did not want to learn to control space and ‘till this day, I have no concept of space whatsoever. All I know is that for starters, I apparently have the power to bend it to my will and two; it’s a power that has the kids at school laughing at me. They probably know more about space than I do, and if they are laughing at my supposed power, then it MUST be useless. Think about it, kids do not make fun of your powers unless they are deemed useless.

    Space is space. Useless air from the term, like the space in the corner of Dialga’s dimension that he left for the clock tower he’s been eying. Is that what I control? Open spaces between furniture? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s a useless power, like most of my other powers. Maybe even more useless than my water gun; you know, the water power I’m still trying to perfect?

    I layed on Dialga’s waterbed, with these thoughts and many others were flowing through my mind. What am I good for in life? This was a question I’ve always seemed to ask myself. When was I going to be good enough? I lied there, looking at the blue, diamond filled sky, just filling my head with these thoughts. Sometimes I wondered if I am even good enough for Dialga. I glanced over at the blue haired young man sleeping alongside me. I wondered; how am I good enough for him? He’s strong, controls time and he could get any girl he wants. But he chose me…

    He chose me…

    I eventually sat up on the waterbed, careful not to wake up Dialga, and proceeded to get out of bed and on to the floor. Once I got to standing up, I tip toed around the countless clocks and toasters he had scattered around the floor, and went to a mirror that was floating right next to the refrigerator. Everything was still in place when I looked into that mirror. Same pink striped halter dress and my long pink hair was still neat. However, I don’t usually toss and turn at night, so it’s really not all that surprising.

    As I stared at myself through the mirror I asked myself what Dialga saw in me that was just so darn attractive? In my mind, attractive is having beautiful blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes that are irresistible. I have eyes that are so red; they can be compared to a red Solo cup, and skin so light; that if I were to play in the snow, you’d have a hard time spotting me.

    If there was one thing I liked about myself, other than the fact that Dialga has made me felt things I’ve never felt before, was the bracelet; the gold and blue bracelet that sat gently around my arm. Dialga had made it for me, but it’s more than just a piece of jewelry; it’s something that, to me, greatly improves my self-image. You see, the blue stones in front of the bracelet are called time stones. These time stones hold great temporal power, according to Dialga.

    One of the three stones, the one on the left, that’s the one that gave me the full usage of one of the strongest and greatest powers of all: Roar of Time. With its 150 base power, I felt invincible, however, as powerful as it is, it’s very tricky to get it to hit accurately. So, every time I got better at this power, it felt like a huge accomplishment. Not only does it look like a pretty streak of blue when it’s used, but it also has the power to distort time around the opponent or object it’s trying to attack. It’s really an awesome power and it’s boosts my confidence in school battles.

    The gem in the middle is the gem that allowed me to feel the bends and twists of time itself. It’s a cool ability because I felt like I could assist Dialga in time related tasks. When I could feel that time was being bent, my brain would start to twitch. Same with Dia, except, he feels the pain more than I do. I can float in this stones aura and feel the stability of time for myself.

    Last but not least, the gem on the right gave me the power to distort, rewind, fast forward and stop time. I was still working through the manual for this one; however I really look forward to using this power. It had everything Dialga can do, which made me feel like I was just as powerful as he was. Thing is, I begged Dialga for this feature on my bracelet. At first, he was reluctant to give it to me because, well, he possesses the same powers. But, he felt bad for me and decided to give me the gem and teach me the powers.

    As I looked more and more at the gems, I fell even more in love with the concept. I just loved my bracelet and it has given me a huge boost of confidence. Confidence… is something that I lack. Without Dialga or my new found powers, I don’t know what I would do with myself. Without Dialga, I wouldn’t know if I was worth something.

    Suddenly, I could see him coming up behind me in the mirror, coming slowly behind me to put his arms around me. All I could do was stare at him for the moment. His blue hair that was shaped into a bob cut, his gray metal face pieces on both sides of his head, and those dreamy red eyes. Those were the same color as mine; however, they suited him better than they suited me. I also noticed that he didn’t have a shirt on… just his pants; probably due to the air conditioning breaking in this dimension.

    “Still liking those gems?” Dialga whispered in his soft spoken voice as he planted kisses on my neck.

    “Yes, Dia, I’m loving them,” I smiled.

    “Well, Palks, do you mind coming to the kitchen? I would like to have a word with you on that one,” he said in a serious tone.

    “But... why? What did I do?” I frantically asked as I turned to him. When I heard him tell me that in his serious tone, I knew that I have done something wrong.

    “Calm down, Palkia, it’s okay,” Dialga said as he pried me off of him. “Just… sit at the table while I GQ myself, alright?”

    I went over to the small dining table we had not too far away from the refrigerator. It was a round table with four chairs, even though it was only Dialga and I who lived here. I pulled up a chair and I sat down as I waited for him to “GQ” himself. Even though, from what I am watching him do, it doesn’t really pass for GQing. He puts on his usual blue and white striped shirt, whist his almost tan skin was shining in the light. He then reached down for his metal chest plate, the one with the blue diamond in the middle, and proceeds to stick it on to himself. For a finishing touch, he shakes his hair and calls it a day.

    “You call that GQing yourself?” I laughed.

    “With my like, totally awesome charm and good looks, yes,” Dialga smirked as he went toward the refrigerator.

    “Hungry?”

    I squinted my eyes while he was trying to scoop out three decent sized restaurant containers and a gallon of orange juice. He also got out a whole gallon of maple syrup as well. That all points to one thing: waffles. Like every morning, we have waffles for breakfast. Actually, Dialga is the one who has waffles all the time, except he also has waffle fries but he puts maple syrup on those as well.

    “Left over Sweet Apple Massacre?” I asked with a smile.

    Dialga looked over his shoulder and winked. “Dammit, you’re good!

    Oh, and the Sweet Apple Massacre, is the name of the waffle stack from the restaurant called I-HOW. Which, to say, that is Dialga’s favorite restaurant, and his favorite waffle stack. It has fifteen apple flavored waffles stacked on top of each other and on each waffle, there is caramel apple sauce topped with powdered sugar. On the top, it has pieces of baked and fried apples, nuts, apple pie filling and apple butter. Yes, the name first perfectly. It’s just so much apple, it’s a massacre.

    Last night, Dialga got so full from the stack, that he actually had to take home the rest of them, thus for leftovers. From what I knew, we have eight left from that platter, amongst the three boxes we had. Dialga brought all three of them to the table, plus the drink and the syrup.

    “So… you’re not going to even heat them up?” I asked while lowering one eyebrow.

    “Nah, we don’t have the time, Palks. We got school, ‘member?” he said as he pulled up a chair next to me and sat down.

    Sorry, but I couldn’t eat cold waffles. It’s… well the apple sauce and the syrup that he put on them when we got them. It’s going to be very soggy, which freaks me out. As I hesitantly opened the container in front of me, I couldn’t help but smile as I glanced over at Dialga drinking from the orange juice carton. For some reason, I thought it was cute when he does that. However, as I saw him glance over at me, I quickly turned my cornered gaze off of him and focused on my halfway opened container.

    “Want some?” Dialga asked as he handed me the orange juice carton.

    I nodded as I quickly grabbed the carton from him and sipped a little juice from it, mostly to kill my hunger from not wanting to eat the soggy remains of the Sweet Apple Massacre. After drinking the small about of liquid I wanted to drink, I put down the carton and began to ask a question I’d wanted to ask since be brought up school earlier.

    “Hey, Dia, about school…” I started as I quickly got his attention.

    “Yeah?” he asked.

    “Well, since school doesn’t start ‘till eight o clock, maybe you can help me with my temporal powers?” I finally got to ask him.

    Right then and there, Dialga raised an eyebrow at me as he had a serious expression on his face. “I was going to talk to you about that, Palkia. Please… pull your chair up closer to me,” he requested.

    Feeling anxious about what he had to say, I pulled my chair up closer to his to the point there we could lean on each other without feeling uncomfortable. Many thoughts were running through my mind. Maybe he was going to tell me that he had to go ever the manuals with me again, or he would tell me that I accidently made a tear in time. That or maybe he’d tell me that I’m not making any progress.

    He then took my hand, and brought it up to his metal chest plate, while still holding it with both his hands.

    “Now, Palkia, I don’t mind you having these powers. But sometimes it can be like where… you know… I feel that you are talking something away from me…” he started to say.

    “What?!” I asked in complete panic.

    “I feel like you are taking away a part of who I am, Palkia. I mean, lending you my strength is one thing but you want my Roar of Time and all of my temporal powers. And while I love to see you happy, I’m not feeling happy myself. Those powers are what make me… Dialga, you know?” He said as he was squeezing my hand.

    “What I’m saying, Palkia is that… I feel that… I shouldn’t teach you anymore than what I taught you… and I won’t.”

    As soon as I heard that, my eyes instantly started to well up. The thought of not being taught anymore temporal powers was making my heart sink. These powers gave me a boost of confidence, confidence I thought I’d never have. I had fun practicing with Dialga and also having practice battles with him. I loved to show off my skills at school, and show everyone who made fun of me that I am powerful.

    “But… Dialga, you’ll take away something that made me confident…” I said as I started to cry.

    Dialga reached over to me and rubbed the back of his hand on my face, trying to wipe my tears away. “Palkia, you need to listen to me, alright?”

    “Now, it’s not like I’m going to take away your bracelet or the Adamant Orb which has my strength. I’m not going to take away from what you have learned. I’m saying that I won’t teach you anymore. I mean, Palkia, these powers are what make me Dialga, the Pokemon that controls time. When I use them, I feel special, but when you use them… I don’t feel special anymore. Get what I’m saying?”

    I nodded my head, while still in utter shock. “Okay then, then what makes ME special, Dialga? Tell me that?!” I almost yelled.

    “Palkia, you ARE special. You can control space. You’re the space to my time,” Dialga explained as he tried to calm me down.

    “IT’S A USELESS POWER!” I cried as I slammed my fists against the table.

    Dialga actually gave me a surprised look after that. That was rarely something I would do when I got mad, but then again, I’ve gotten a warning at school for hitting a girl that makes fun of me.

    “Space is nothing, Dialga. It’s nothing. I got made fun of in school when I told everyone that one. Remember? You were there, Dia. You were there!” I cried.

    Then, all of a sudden, he stood up and put his hands on his hips. “Palkia, why do you even give a damn about what people think of you? If they don’t like you, then screw ‘em, Palkia.”

    I sat there, with my tears flowing at an even faster rate, extending my arms out to him so that he could help me up from the chair. As soon as he grabbed and pulled on my hands, I was off my chair and proceeded to wrap my arms tightly around him.

    “Palkia, I want the best for you, alright? I think… you should learn about your special powers. I want to see what makes you, you Palkia. You got me?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

    “Yes…” I said as I rested my head on his chest plate.

    “Don’t cry, Palkia. Everything’s going to be alright,” Dialga whispered into my ear. At least, I can spend some more time with Dialga before we hard off for another boring day of school.
    Last edited by はるひ; 16th April 2012 at 9:32 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2

    Default

        Spoiler:- the list!:


    There I was, walking arm and arm with Dialga, to school. I have always dreaded going there and it was because every Tuesday was Battle Day and Battle Day was the day that we got paired up with someone, and we battle. Easy, right?

    Wrong.

    Especially since your battle partner is a pretty blonde haired bully who always picks on you for being weaker. Month after month, she always beats me, and then gloats about it, saying that she’s better and that she’s stronger. Well, she IS stronger, considering that she always beats me with her psychic attacks but she just provokes me to the point where I want to hit her in her pretty little face.

    “Righty then, we need to hurry up to school before Arceus hits me up for money,” Dialga said as he grabbed my hand and ran.

    “Wait! What makes you think he would be around?” I asked while I tried to keep up with him.

    “Palkia, I know he’d be around. I don’t have any money to be giving him to take his precious Giratina out on another date,” he said in an annoyed tone.

    Honestly, Arceus wasn’t asking us for money for the last few weeks and Dialga and I have seen him out and about with Giratina. But when he DID ask, it was really to take her out to a fancy restaurant, assuming there were no God discounts. But, the one thing I could say was that he loved his Giratina very much and it seemed like she was enjoying him as well.

    “Let’s just worry about school? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to ask us,” I sighed.

    As I followed Dialga, I can see our school about a couple of feet in front of us. I could see the big green sign right in front of the school, on the left side of the grass. Here it was: Foster’s School for Legendary Pokemon. It was a small school with brick walls and a brown roof. It looked like your typical schoolhouse that you’ve seen in textbooks. As I said before, I dreaded going to school and I didn’t want to come on Battle Day. However, I had to, since I had a perfect attendance record to maintain. I just hoped that today, my fist doesn’t meet that girl’s face.

    Dialga let out a sigh of relief when we arrived at the school door. We walked inside the building, to a small classroom with blue walls, and an alphabet strip on the top of the black board. It also had green tables and chairs and the floor was lined with purple carpet. The other kids were laughing and talking amongst themselves as they were waiting for class to start. Our table was on the far left side of the room, in front of the bulletin board. Dialga squeezed my hand as he led me to our table.

    We both pulled out our chairs next to each other and sat down to observe everything around us. We could see several kids talking to each other and some were even making paper airplanes and throwing them anywhere in the classroom. When I turned to Dialga, he lifted his arm as a motion for me to move closer to him. I moved my chair until he had enough room to put his arm around me. I honestly needed his comfort, especially for Battle Day, a day I know that the tormenting is going to begin, and his breath blowing on my face made it a little more relaxing in the moment.

    “I’m dreading Battle Day,” Dialga whispered.

    “Why, Dialga? You’re the strongest legendary in class! No, in the whole world!” I exclaimed.

    I’m not trying to suck up to him, but, Dialga is actually a very strong legendary. In fact, according to the statistics, he’s actually the fourth most powerful Pokemon in this world. His only counters are of course, Arceus, I mean he’s GOD. He can beat everyone. However, at number two, came the great Gothitelle of the land, plus her little girl that’s just too damn powerful. Other than them, Dialga was pretty much set. So why is he so worried about Battle Day?

    “Thanks, Palks. I’m worried because my partner is Cobalion and yeah, Sacred Sword… yeah can’t you see the DANGER?!” he almost shouted.

    “Dialga…” I started as I started to wrap my arms around him as if I was hugging him. “It’s going to be okay. You’re strong!”

    Dialga took his free hand and tugged on a piece of my hair, repeating the process about five times. “Now I know I’ll win, and it’d be because of you,” he whispered.

    As I closed my eyes to enjoy Dialga’s company, I was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. The sound felt like it was coming near my table, and coming at a quick pace. Not only that, but I heard other footsteps coming near my table as well. I opened my eyes and saw a girl coming towards where I was. It was her… the bully. She flipped part of her long blonde hair to the back as she gave me a smirk on her face. The vertical yellow and pink stripes on her dress and her yellow moon shaped crown on her head, made her look taller and much tougher.

    When I looked at her coming my way, all I could do was cower at her presence. She had an aura so strong, it felt like she was the deity she was. I stood up as she finally approached me with her posse in tow, anticipating her torment.

    “Hey, Palkia, guess what day it is?” she asked in a show-offy tone.

    I just stood there, watching her flash her blue eyes as I tried to find the answer to her question. Deep down, I was afraid of her and its very hard not to show it on the outside. I was shaking inside and looking around the room, for an answer.

    “It’s Battle Day, Cresselia. Not hard,” Dialga answered.

    She then folded her arms and glared at Dialga. “I believe, I was talking to her here, not you,” she snapped as she pointed to me.

    “Hey! You don’t talk to Dialga that way!” I yelled as I almost got in her face. However, Dialga pulled me back a little.

    “Well, excuse ME, Palkia, but I am the goddess of the moon. So don’t babble about respect,” Cresselia snapped as she lowered one eyebrow. “Anyway, today is Battle Day, which marks the seventh time that I've beaten you this year. Better be ready.”

    I slammed my fists on the table so hard, that the whole class turned my way. As much as I want to say that was embarrassing, I had to toughen up in this situation. I really wanted to give this girl a piece of my mind. At the same time, I was slipping my boots off.

    “YOU better be ready, Cresselia, because I learned a new power that can kick your pretty butt!” I yelled.

    “Oh really?! BRING IT! Show me!” she yelled even louder.

    As this time, I was shaking as I was standing. My legs were trembling the most. The more I wanted to rip her to shreds, the more I quaked. Cresselia was almost about to get herself a beatdown. She was treading on thin ice. I don’t give a damn if she’s a deity. It’s not gonna stop me from teaching her a lesson.

    “Hey, Cresselia,” Dialga started to say as he put his arm in front of me and push me down to my chair. “Do us a favor, get over your damn self, and leave Palkia alone. Unless you want to eat a big fat time loop, I suggest you go away,” He yelled angrily.

    Cresselia took one glare at Dialga and then stared at me. She then motioned her friends to follow her back to their own table. It was cool and all but however, as she was leaving herself, I looked over her shoulder and glared at me. She then took her right hand and she put up her middle finger at me. To me, that was the biggest insult anyone can do and she was in for a rude awakening.

    I sprang from my chair and began to run after her, with fumes in my eyes. As soon as I got to her, I grabbed her by her pretty blonde hair and yanked her towards me. At the moment, I felt as if I just blacked out. I know that I pulled on her hair so tight that I could feel parts of her hair falling off. I couldn’t see what was it that was I doing to her; however I do know what I was actually doing by feeling. I was hitting her at a rapid pace, trying to strike her in her head. I also was trying to use my fingernails to scratch her, which I have missed her face and scratched her head instead.

    As I was fighting, I could hear many things being said at once. In one ear, I could hear the other kids saying ‘fight, fight, fight!’ I could also hear screaming from some of the other kids as well. However most of the screaming came from Cresselia as I was trying to hurt her. In the other ear, I could hear my name being yelled out many times by Dialga, who, was trying to pry me away from the fight. I felt his strong hands on top of mine, trying to get me to stop pulling her hair. Inside, I really wanted to stop fighting, and it was mostly because of Dialga, however, I really wanted to teach this girl a lesson. That I may be weaker than her, but it doesn’t give her the right to mess with me.

    I could feel my hands slipping away from her hair and someone’s arm, which I assume was Dialga’s, holding me back. As I was trying to break out of his grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around my torso area and lifted me to go back five paces from where I was originally having this showdown. Right there and there, I felt secure enough to stop fidgeting and try to catch my breath.

    “I got you, Palkia. You’re gonna be alright,” Dialga whispered.

    I can feel him, once again, lifting me up; however, I felt that he was trying to bring me back to our table. This time, I didn’t even try to struggle out of his grasp. In the moment, I felt very comfortable that way. Because I knew that he was trying to protect me from everything that was going on. To me, it feels like a blur to me. My eyes are open, but I felt like I wasn’t really grasping everything that was going on. All I knew was that I was trying to hurt Cresselia… bad. I don’t care to see if I have done the job or not. I just really wanted to get out of here and with Dialga by my side. I felt that I have gotten my point across to her and anyone else who chooses to mess with me.

    As Dialga put me down on the ground, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly and burying my head in his chest plate. I was letting my emotions out as Dialga rocked side to side, while having his arms tightly around me as well. While I was crying, I shouted his name a few times out of distress. As I was doing so, Dialga made shush noises to calm me down; however it was so hard to be calm at the moment. I was still in school, a place I didn’t want to be at and just pulled another girl’s hair. I finally looked up at Dialga and started to look into his eyes.

    “I’m so sorry, Dia. She provoked me,” I said softly on the verge of tears.

    He took his right hand and with the back of his hand, he rubbed it across my face, trying to dry my tears. “Everything’s alright. Just know, Palkia that I will always protect you from getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally, alright?”

    Yes, Dialga,” I said as I was beginning to calm down. I, once again, rested my head on his metal plate for comfort.

    Then suddenly, I heard a familiar voice coming inside the building. However, I was just too exhausted from the events to lift my head to see who just came in. But, I could hear this person talking to the other students and what they were saying as well.

    “Now what’s going on here?” a woman’s voice asked.

    “Palkia pulled my hair! And then she hit me and scratched me!” Cresselia cried. She sounded like she was really in pain, however I really didn’t care. I wanted to give the girl what she deserved.

    “It’s okay, Cress,” I heard a guy’s voice say to her. “She’s a loser, that’s all there is to it.”

    “Yeah,” I heard a girl’s voice say. “Everyone knows she’s just jealous because you’re better than her and you’re pretty much the only deity in this class. Entei’s right, she is a loser.

    At that moment, I want to scream at them; however Dialga’s strong arms were preventing me to do just that. His grip was too great, and plus his comfort was making it useless to want to backlash. However, it didn’t stop him from wanting to give them a piece of his mind. I can feel him turning his body the other way as he began to speak.

    “Hey! I don’t give a damn what you think about her, but DO NOT disrespect Palkia that way in front of me, alright?” Dialga said in a stern voice. “She is the love of my life and she’s NOT a loser. Cresselia was attacked because she provoked Palkia.”

    “I just want to get out of here!” I cried as I was clinging to Dialga even tighter.

    I could feel him prying me off of him for a moment. At that moment, I took my hands and used them to cover my face and eyes to hide the embarrassment. I knew that after the comments made, the face of a looser shouldn’t be shown. So I bowed my head down in shame, just waiting for Dialga to come back to me. I then felt the gentle pressure of his arm wrapped around me and his breath blowing on me. Ah, that comfortable feeling was coming back to me.

    “Everything’s going to be alright. Just close your eyes,” Dialga whispered in my ear as I could feel his arm wrapping around my legs.

    With all of his strength, he lifted me off the ground and held me tightly, so much so that I didn’t feel the need to hold on to him. Plus, I was just too embarrassed to take my hands off my face. I could feel him walking; however I had no idea as to where he was taking me. All I knew was that he told me to keep my eyes closed and that everything was going to be alright. So I melted in to his arms and rested on his chest plate, waiting to know where he was going to take me.

    ////---\\\

    “Okay, Palkia, you can open your eyes now,” Dialga said.

    I took my hands off of my face and opened my eyes. There, I laid eyes on the blue, diamond filled sky while feeling the motion of the cold waterbed underneath me. A smile stretched across my face when I realized that Dialga has brought me back home. I turned to my right and saw him sitting there on the bed beside me. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I quickly sat up on the bed, and with all of my might, moved closer to him.

    “Dammit, Palkia! What are you doing?” he laughed as he saw that I managed to get on my knees.

    I put both of my hands on his shoulders as I brought my left leg over him. As of now, I was sitting on top of him and a light blush came over my face. As for Dialga, his face was almost red as he slowly put his arms around me. I knew that both of us were digging the position we were in. I can see it on his face when he gave me a great big smile.

    “You’re so beautiful, Palkia. Did you know that?” Dialga asked softly.

    I shook my head no as I blushed even more. At that point, I didn’t know what to say to him. Every time he’d say that to me, I would be at loss for words. Even when we first met, I never understood why a guy as good looking as he was goes for a girl who wasn’t society’s vision of beautiful. So every time he’d tell me that, my heart rate would go up. I could actually feel a cold wind of confidence come over me as I smiled at him. However, I knew that I had to change the conversation or distract him.

    “So… how did you get around to sneaking out of the school?” I asked while changing the subject and quietly reaching for his shirt. I softly tugged on the collar and began to unbutton the small buttons that were lined vertically on his shirt.

    “Eh, I was quiet about it. The teach was talking with Cresselia and her friends, so I saw this as a perfect opportunity to escape. I know I’ll get written up for it, but I’ll stand up to the man,” he said with a smirk on his face.

    “Mrs. Applebee… is not the man,” I said softly as I reached the last button on his shirt.

    I finally got to unbutton the last button, which Dialga would complain that it’s the hardest button to get to. All the while, he wasn’t noticing what I was doing. I just smiled at him, while secretly admiring what I did.

    “Hey, what is that?” I asked as I pointed to the top left of the dimension.

    Dialga looked over in the direction that I pointed to look for what I was apparently talking about. While he took the bait, I took both ends of his shirt and I separated them, exposing his torso. After I did just that, I rested my head on his bare chest. Then, I could hear his heat beating at a normal pace as I melted on to him, taking in his sent.

    “Wow, you must really like my four pack eh?” Dialga said somewhat hesitantly.

    “Thanks, Dialga, for everything,” I murmured, ignoring his last statement.

    “No probs, Palkia. You don’t need to thank me. I’m always there for you,” he said as he took his hand and rubbed big circles on my back.

    “I wish I can find out how to be strong though, since you won’t teach me anymore time powers,” I whispered while with my right hand, I went up and down his side.

    Since Dialga told me he won’t be teaching me my powers, I felt that my self-worth has been crushed. However, if I could find my own path to being a strong Pokemon, then maybe I can gain it back and some confidence as well. Maybe it could be something that Dialga could help me out with.

    “You can Palkia. You need to ask the top five strongest Pokemon of Unova. You already have one of them, me! However, you need to expand your horizons more and talk to other strong Pokemon. Maybe you’ll learn something new,” Dialga replied.

    After hearing what he said, I thought it was a wonderful idea. If I talked to all of those Pokemon, maybe I could learn some new methods of strength, other than from Dialga. I mean he IS number four as is, and I know who is number one, two and three, however the person who is number five escapes me at the moment.

    “Who’s number five? I want to ask them all in order,” I asked as I sat up.

    “Number five is Latios, but be weary. Latios doesn’t think highly of girls,” Dialga said with a serious tone in his voice.

    “Dialga, I need a pad and a pen!” I said as a spang from the bed.
    Last edited by はるひ; 16th April 2012 at 1:10 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #3
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    Romantic/shippy stories aren't really my thing, but since you asked, I'll take a look at this one.

    Underlined segments are places where present-tense verbs should probably be in the past-tense.
    What IS space anyway? I don’t know… useless maybe? ‘Till this day, no one has ever told me what space was.
    OK, here’s what people have asked about. Why has no one told her about her family’s power until now? Why would her entire family avoid using their powers in her presence, tell her one day that there is such a thing as space powers and that she has them, and then never bother to tell her anything else about them?

    This scenario would be akin to a family never, ever, speaking to a child, suddenly writing a note to convey that spoken language exists and that the kid can speak too, and then continuing to never speak to the kid again or otherwise teaching them to talk after that point. The child in this instance would have no idea about spoken language at all, similar to Palkia not knowing about Space, but such a scenario wouldn’t make sense.

    Why would she have never heard another Palkia talking about the kinds of abilities the species can use? Think about how this question can be answered, and you’ll have a good place to start. It might involve a situation in which Palkia truly has never seen or heard about spacial powers, or it might involve re-working the scene to have Palkia know the basics of her powers, but not thinking she can do much past the basics.

    Yes, I know I just spent three paragraphs on a single sentence, but this is one of the key points of the story that needs work. I’m not trying to steer you away from this idea altogether, just saying that the reason for this part needs to make sense. You can do it!
    All I know is that for starters, I apparently have the power to bend it to my will and two; it’s a power that has the kids at school laughing at me. They probably know more about space than I do, and if they are laughing at my supposed power, then it MUST be useless. Think about it, kids do not make fun of your powers unless they are deemed useless.

    Space is space. Useless air from the term, like the space in the corner of Dialga’s dimension that he left for the clock tower he’s been eying. Is that what I control? Open spaces between furniture? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s a useless power, like most of my other powers. Maybe even more useless than my water gun; you know, the water power I’m still trying to perfect?
    Again, think about how it could be that a Palkia has no idea what space is. Aren’t her powers famous? Haven’t her family members given her a few lessons in the basics?

    Also, I haven’t underlined any tense issues in this part because this is, basically, a scene of Palkia’s thoughts wandering. In this case, tense discrepancies can actually add to the sense that this is what the character is feeling and thinking. Once we get into the next part of the story, we see her conveying actions that are happening, so I’ll let you know where the tense issues are there.

    I lay on Dialga’s waterbed, with these thoughts and many others flowing through my mind. What am I good for in life? This was a question I always seem to ask myself. When am I going to be good enough? I lied there, looking at the blue, diamond filled sky, just filling my head with these thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I am even good enough for Dialga. I glanced over at the blue haired young man sleeping alongside me. I wonder; how am I good enough for him? He’s strong and he controls time, he can get any girl he wants. But he chose me…

    He chose… me…
    Ugh, “lay” and “lie” always get me. I had to look this one up and I’m still not sure I’m giving you the right advice. The first one seems to be correct, the second should also be “lay.” I think.

    I would also use a full stop rather than “…” after the last “me.” I think it will sound stronger that way.

    I’m a little concerned that Palkia defines her self-worth in terms of whether Dialga likes her over other girls. This could be just Palkia’s thought process, demonstrating that her mindset is immature right now, but what a person (or Pokémon) is “good for in life” is about way more than whether they’re chosen as “girlfriend material” by a popular guy.

    Also, PG-10 and they’re sharing a bed?
    I eventually sat up on the waterbed, careful not to wake up Diaga, and proceeded to get out of bed and on to the floor. Once I got to standing up, I tip-toed around the countless clocks and toasters he had scattered around the floor and went to a mirror that was floating right next to the refrigerator. Everything was still in place when I looked into that mirror. Same pink stripped halter dress and my long pink hair was still neat. Surprising. However, I don’t usually toss and turn at night, so it’s really not all that surprising.
    “Diaga” should be “Dialga” and “stripped” should be “striped.”

    Why is this both surprising and not surprising?
    As I stared at myself through the mirror, sometimes I ask myself; what does Dialga see in me that’s just so darn attractive? In my mind, attractive is having beautiful blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes that are irresistible. I have eyes that are so red; they can be compared to a red Solo cup, and skin so light; that if I were to play in the snow, you’d have a hard time spotting me.
    “As I stared at . . .” implies that you are talking about her current action; “sometimes I ask myself . . .” comes across as something continuous, that happens often. Maybe you could make both have the same tense? “As I stared at myself through the mirror I asked myself what Dialga saw in me that was just so darn attractive.”

    Here we see that Palkia is also insecure about her appearance as well as her powers. Isn’t this girl confident about anything to do with herself? Why does she feel she can’t be pretty unless she fits a very western, human standard of beauty (which is certainly not the only idea of beauty that exists)?

    If there was one thing I liked about myself, other than the fact that Dialga has made me felt things I’ve never felt before, was the bracelet; the gold and blue bracelet that sits gently around my arm. Dialga had made it for me, but it’s more than just a piece of jewelry; it’s something that can improve my self-image. You see, the blue stones in front of the bracelet are called time stones. These time stones hold great temporal power, according to Dialga.
    Um, what she likes about “herself” is that Dialga likes her and that she has Dialga’s powers in the form of a bracelet. Yeah, this could be just to show that Palkia is immature in her ideas about the world, but it’s starting to look like you think her “worth” can only come from external sources (i.e. other people liking her and her fitting herself to match what other people like). I sincerely hope this is something she can grow out of as the story progresses and find something about herself she likes that doesn’t come from Dialga.

    How can her “self”-image be improved by something that has nothing to do with her?

    This is what people mean by you “degrading” Palkia. You make the only thing she likes about herself be something that has literally nothing to do with herself at all. Her entire “self”-worth is entirely based on Dialga instead.

    One of the three stones, the one on the left, is the one that give me the full usage of one of the strongest and greatest powers of all: Roar of Time. Every time I got better at this power, it felt like a huge accomplishment. Not only does it look like a pretty streak of blue when it’s used, but it also has the power to distort time around said opponent or object it’s trying to attack. It’s really an awesome power and it’s boosts my confidence in school battles.
    “Said” opponent implies that you’ve already talked about an opponent. You haven’t. Just use “the” here.
    The gem in the middle is the gem that allows me to feel the bends and twists of time itself. It’s a cool ability because I feel like I can assist Dialga and time related tasks. If I can feel that time is being bent, my brain starts to twitch. Same with Dia, except, he feels the pain more than I do. I can float in this stones aura and feel everything myself, feel the stability of time for myself.
    ”If I can” might sound better as “when.” This is more personal preference, though. The second bolded bit might work better as just “feel the stability of time for myself” without the “feel everything myself” part, to clean up the sentence a bit.
    Last but not least, the gem on the right. The last one, this one gives me the power to distort, rewind, fast forward and stop time. This one, I still have one manual to go, however I really look forward to using this power. It’s has everything Dialga can do, which makes me feel like I am as powerful as he is. Thing is, I begged Dialga for this feature on my bracelet. At first, he was reluctant to give it to me because, well, he has the same powers. But, he felt bad for me and decided to give me the gem and teach me the powers.
    This paragraph sort of reads awkwardly. “Last but not least, the gem on the right.” is not a complete sentence. It might be better to just say “Last but not least, the gem on the right gave me the power to . . .” instead of splitting it into two statements that both introduce the last gem.

    “This one, I still have the manual to go” also sounds odd. Maybe “I was still working through the manual for this one” would work better?

    “It’s has” should be “it has” (or “it had,” if you want to tell the main story in past tense. At this point, I’m not sure which one you use most often, so I’m just going for “past tense” as a default. Let me know which tense you want to write in and I’ll help you with the tenses).
    As I looked more and more at the gems, I fell even more in love with the concept. I just loved my bracelet and it will give me a boost of confidence. Confidence… is something that I lack. Without Dialga or my new found powers, I don’t know what I would do.
    Again, over these last few paragraphs, her “confidence” is only made possible through an outside source. I hope she grows out of this mindset.
    Suddenly, I can see him coming up behind me in the mirror, coming slowly behind me to put his arms around me. All I could do was stare at him for the moment. His blue hair that was shaped into a bob cut, his gray metal face pieces on both sides of his head, and those dreamy red eyes. Those were the same color as mine. I also noticed that he didn’t have a shirt on… just his pants; probably due to the air breaking in this dimension.
    Why does she dislike her red eyes while finding his dreamy, when she acknowledges that their eyes are the same color?

    I’m also not quite sure what you mean by the bolded. He doesn’t have a shirt on because of the air?

    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    “But... why? What did I do?” I frantically asked as I turned to him. When I heard him tell me that in his serious tone, I knew that I have done something wrong.

    “Calm down, Palkia, it’s okay,” Dialga said as he pried me off of him. “Just… sit at the table while I GQ myself, alright?”
    GQ?


    I squinted my eyes while he was trying to scoop out three decent sized restaurant containers and a gallon of orange juice. He also got out a whole gallon of maple syrup as well. That all points to one thing: waffles. Like every morning, we have waffles for breakfast. Actually, Dialga is the one who has waffles all the time, except he also has waffle fried but he puts maple syrup on those as well.
    Should probably be plural.

    “Left over Sweet Apple Massacre?” I asked with a smile.

    Dialga looked over his shoulder and winked. “Dammit, you’re good!

    Oh, and the Sweet Apple Massacre, is the name of the waffle stack from the restaurant called I-WOP. Which, to say, that is Dialga’s favorite restaurant, and his favorite waffle stack. It has fifteen apple flavored waffles stacked on top of each other and on each waffle, there is caramel apple sauce topped with powdered sugar. On the top, it has pieces of baked and fried apples, nuts, apple pie filling and apple butter. Yes, the name first perfectly. It’s just so much apple, it’s a massacre.
    I-WOP? International… Waffle of Pancakes?

    Last night, Dialga got so full from the stack, that he actually had to take home the rest of them, thus for left overs.
    “leftovers” is one word.

    However, as I saw him glance over at me, I quickly turned my corned gaze off of him and focused on my halfway opened container.
    Corned gaze?

    After drinking the small about of liquid I wanted to drink, I put down the carton and began to ask a question I’ve wanted to ask since be brought up school earlier.
    “I’ve” to “I’d” for past tense.

    There, I knew that his talk was going to be about my newfound powers.

    “I was going to talk to you about that, Palkia. Please… pull your chair up closer to me,” he requested.
    You essentially say the same thing, that the talk is going to be about Palkia using temporal powers, twice in a row. It’s a bit repetitive.

    Feeling anxious about what he has to say, I pulled my chair up closer to his to the point there we can lean on each other without feeling uncomfortable. Many thoughts were running through my mind. Maybe he was going to tell me that he has to go ever the manuals with me again, or he would tell me that I accidently made a tear in time. That or maybe he’ll tell me that I’m not making any progress.
    Mostly tense issues here.

    As soon as I heard that, my eyes instantly started to well up. The thought of not be taught anymore temporal powers was making me really upset. These powers gave me a boost of confidence, confidence I thought I’d never have. I had fun practicing with Dialga and also having practice battles with him. I loved to show off my skills at school, and show everyone who made fun of me that I am powerful.
    We can already see that she’s upset because her eyes are welling up. No need to say it twice.

    Then, all of a sudden, he stood up and puts his hand on his hips. “Palkia, why do you even give a damn about what people think of you? If they don’t like you, then screw ‘em, Palkia.”

    I sat there, extending my arms out to him so that he can help me up from the chair. As soon as he grabbed and pulled on my hands, I was off my chair.

    “Palkia, I want the best for you, alright? I think… you should learn about your special powers. I want to see what makes you, you, Palkia. You got me?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

    “Yes…” I said as I rested my head on his chest plate.

    At least, I can spend some more time with Dialga before we hard off for another boring day of school.
    Should be “head off” to school.

    The fact that Dialga doesn’t want to teach her more further emphasizes that her confidence comes from abilities that have nothing to do with her. They’re an external power source that was given to her and, as her fears show, could be taken away just as easily. She’s completely dependent on another Pokemon for her confidence at this point. That’s not really confidence. Now, is this how you want to show her, and eventually show her growing past?

    Anyway, I feel like this might have been better with the first two entries put together as one chapter since they take place in about the same scene and cover the same overall topic, Palkia’s concern about her powers. As a general rule, try to have something “happen” each chapter. As it is, these two could be described as “Palkia wakes up, broods over her powers, and talks with Dialga about her abilities over breakfast.” It all happens in the same location; it’s all about her use of temporal powers because she’s unsure about her own spacial ones. To me, it would work better as a single entry rather than as two separate chapters. What happens is that the basic premise and scene is set by the two chapters together. I just think they are just as effective as one single, longer chapter.

    Anyway, on to entry number 3.


    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Here I am, walking arm and arm with Dialga, walking to school. I have always treaded doing there and it was because every Tuesday was Battle Day and Battle Day was the day that we got paired up with someone, and we battle. Easy, right?
    Repeating of “walking” a few words later is a bit redundant. Either replace one of them with a different word or drop it entirely.

    “Treaded doing” should probably be “dreaded going,” if I’m interpreting that line correctly. Always proofread before posting. Sometimes reading the story aloud helps you catch things like this.

    If it is supposed to be past-tense, “here I am” should be “there I was.”
    Especially since your battle partner is a pretty blonde haired bully who always picks on you for being weaker. Month after month, she always beats me, and then gloats about it, saying that she’s better and that she’s stronger. Well, she IS stronger, considering that she always beats me with her psychic attacks but she just provokes me to the point where I want to hit her in her pretty little face.
    Well, we’re getting a bit more of Palkia’s personality now. Maybe she’ll use her own powers out of being provoked by Cresselia? If she’s mad enough, she might activate them without meaning to.

    “Righty then, we need to hurry up to school before Arceus hits me up for money,” Dialga said as he grabbed my hand and ran.
    For some reason this made me laugh when I read it. Good job.

    “Wait! What makes you think he would be around?” I asked while I tried to keep up with him.

    “Palkia, I know he’d be around. I don’t have any money to be giving him to take his precious Giratina out on another date,” he said in an annoyed tone.

    Honestly, Arceus hasn’t been asking us for money for the last few weeks and Dialga and I have seen him out and about with Giratina. But when he DOES ask, it’s really to take her out to a fancy restaurant, assuming there were no God discounts. But, the one thing I could say was that he loves his Giratina very much and it seemed like she was enjoying him as well.
    “His” Giratina? Giratina belongs to Arceus? Maybe omit the possessive pronoun here, and just say he loves Giratina.

    Are all the legendaries going to be paired up? Romance/shipping isn’t really my thing . . .
    “Let’s just worry about school? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to ask us,” I sighed as I followed him.

    As I followed Dialga, I can see our school about a couple of feet in front of us. I can see the big green sign right in front of the school, on the left side of the grass. Here it was: Foster’s School for Legendary Pokemon. It was a small school with brick walls and a brown roof. It looks like your typical schoolhouse that you see in textbooks. As I said before, I dreaded going to school and I didn’t want to come on Battle Day. However, I had to, since I had a perfect attendance record to maintain. I just hope that today, my fist doesn’t meet that girl’s face today.
    Repetitiveness strikes again, with “as I followed” twice in a row and “today” twice in the last sentence.

    Is the school name a reference to “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”?

    At last, for Dialga of course, we are at the school door.
    I’m not sure what you mean by “for Dialga of course” in this sentence. I mean, I get that you are saying Dialga’s happy to be there while Palkia doesn’t want to have arrived yet, but I think the wording could be improved.
    We walked inside the building, to a small classroom with blue walls, and an alphabet strip on the top of the black board.
    An alphabet strip? How old are they?
    We both pulled out our chairs next to each other and sat down to observe everything around us. We could see several kids talking to each other, some who aren’t even here yet, and some were even making paper airplanes and throwing them anywhere in the classroom.
    Um, they can’t see the ones that aren’t there yet because they aren’t there to be seen. They can see the empty spaces that indicate that some students still haven’t arrived, but cannot see people who aren’t there.
    When I turned to Dialga, he lifted his arm as a motion for me to move closer to him. I moved my chair closer to him as he had enough room to put his arm around me. I honestly needed his comfort, especially for Battle Day, a day I know someone is about to torment me for my powers, and his breath blowing on my face made it a little more relaxing in the moment.
    Again, move(d) closer to him is said twice in a row. Change up the wording on one of these.

    Speaking of repetition, we already know that Palkia is worried about Battle Day because she’s afraid her powers will be mocked. You don’t have to keep telling us this. We get it.
    I’m not being suck up here, Dialga is actually a very strong legendary.
    Why would Palkia feel like she needs to say she’s not stuck up when the powers she’s talking about aren’t even hers? She’s not bragging about herself, but about Dialga.
    In fact, according to the statistics, he’s actually the fourth most powerful Pokemon in this world. His only counters are of course, Arceus, I mean he’s GOD. He can beat everyone. However, at number two, comes the great Gothitelle of the land, plus her little girl that’s just too damn powerful. Other than them, Dialga is pretty much set. So why is he so worried about Battle Day?
    Here we get the “are legendaries unique” question again. Is Arceus God, or a god? Are there multiple Arceus like there are multiple Palkia? Aren’t Dialga and Palkia technically gods as well? Wouldn’t older Dialga be stronger than this one? And unless the mention of Gothitelle and her child is set-up for their later inclusion, this scene seems more “tell” than “show.”

    The vertical yellow and pink stripes on her dress plus her yellow moon shaped crown on her head, made her look taller and much tougher.
    I would personally use “and” over “plus” here, but this is your call.

    “Hey, Palkia, guess what day it is?” she asked in a show offy tone.
    “Show-offy” should probably have a hyphen.

    I just stood there, watching her flash her blue eyes as I try to find the answer to her question. Deep down, I was afraid of her and it’s very hard not to show it on the outside. I was shaking inside and looking around the room, for an answer.
    Mostly tense issues here. Again, I’m working under the assumption that you want it to be consistently past tense. If you were going for present, let me know.

    “Well, excuse ME, Palkia, but I am the goddess of the moon. So don’t babble about respect,” Cresselia snapped as she lowered one eye
    Lowered one eye? Do you mean eyebrow?
    As this time, I was shaking as I was standing. My legs were shaking the most. The more I wanted to rip her to shreds, the more I shook. Cresselia was almost about to get herself a beatdown. She was treading on thin ice. I don’t give a damn if she’s a deity. It’s not gonna stop me from teaching her a lesson.
    Again, if Cresselia is a deity, isn’t Palkia one too?

    Anyway, you could replace some of the shaking with other words like “quivering,” “trembling,” or “quaking” to change up the vocabulary.

    Cresselia took one glare at Dialga and then stared at me. She then motioned her friends to follow her back to their own table. It was cool and all but however, as she was leaving herself, I looked over her shoulder and glared at me. She then took her right hand, which I could see her doing this, and she put up her middle finger at me. To me, that was the biggest insult anyone can do and she was in for a rude awakening.
    At the bolded, of course Palkia can see her. The story is written in first-person. If the audience reads it, it means Palkia is seeing, hearing, or otherwise experiencing something. You can omit the bolded part.

    Anyway, once again there seems to be an equation of pretty with strong and popular. Keep in mind that these things are not synonymous and that to be more realistic you might want to go into further detail on the varied strengths and flaws of the characters. As she is, Cresselia appears to be just a stereotypical mean girl. Is there any more to her than that? As the apparent main antagonist of this story, one hopes that she would have more development than that.

    Anyway, I figure this is long enough as is, and it’s almost 4:30 am where I am, so I’m done for now. Keep in mind that the underlined parts are places where present tense could be changed to past.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ememew View Post
    Romantic/shippy stories aren't really my thing, but since you asked, I'll take a look at this one.
    The story isn't really a romance story. It seems like it because it hasn't gotton to the root of what it's about yet; which in the current part I am doing, it goes on from there.

    OK, here’s what people have asked about. Why has no one told her about her family’s power until now? Why would her entire family avoid using their powers in her presence, tell her one day that there is such a thing as space powers and that she has them, and then never bother to tell her anything else about them?

    This scenario would be akin to a family never, ever, speaking to a child, suddenly writing a note to convey that spoken language exists and that the kid can speak too, and then continuing to never speak to the kid again or otherwise teaching them to talk after that point. The child in this instance would have no idea about spoken language at all, similar to Palkia not knowing about Space, but such a scenario wouldn’t make sense.
    I fixed it to where Palkia told her family she didn't want to learn her powers when the time came for her to do so. So yes she WAs told about her powers and knows she has them, but she doesn't want to use them.

    Why would she have never heard another Palkia talking about the kinds of abilities the species can use? Think about how this question can be answered, and you’ll have a good place to start. It might involve a situation in which Palkia truly has never seen or heard about spacial powers, or it might involve re-working the scene to have Palkia know the basics of her powers, but not thinking she can do much past the basics.
    thats pretty much how i edited his scene. Because my past wording never made sense.

    . You can do it!
    it's pretty much an honor to hear that coming from you since I wish I could be this good and this smart.

    Again, think about how it could be that a Palkia has no idea what space is. Aren’t her powers famous? Haven’t her family members given her a few lessons in the basics?
    Ignorance on Palkia's part. She listens to the other kids and thats how she got this idea on what space is.

    Ugh, “lay” and “lie” always get me. I had to look this one up and I’m still not sure I’m giving you the right advice. The first one seems to be correct, the second should also be “lay.” I think.
    I pretty much changed both to layed. Even though MS Word has a red underline underneath it, I think it sounds much better than lay in this instance.

    I’m a little concerned that Palkia defines her self-worth in terms of whether Dialga likes her over other girls. This could be just Palkia’s thought process, demonstrating that her mindset is immature right now, but what a person (or Pokémon) is “good for in life” is about way more than whether they’re chosen as “girlfriend material” by a popular guy.
    I'm pretty much the same as Palkia in this piece. If someone were to love me over tens of thousands of girls out there, especially better looking ones, I to would be thinking that I had self worth.

    For Palkia, it defines it even more since the guy she is with is the fourth strongest Pokemon in this Pokeverse and controls a very important aspect of the universe.

    Also, PG-10 and they’re sharing a bed?
    Don't fairy tales do this as well? Or Rated G movies?

    I rated it the way I did because I think that it's good for people 10 and up to read lol (I WAS gonna say PG-9 but thats pushing it) unless the mods didnt think so.


    Here we see that Palkia is also insecure about her appearance as well as her powers. Isn’t this girl confident about anything to do with herself? Why does she feel she can’t be pretty unless she fits a very western, human standard of beauty (which is certainly not the only idea of beauty that exists)?
    I think that maybe Palkia likes her personality, that was a main reason as to why Dialga chose her in the first place (other than him thinking she was breathtakingly beautiful). Of course I would have to try to integrate that... but how?


    Um, what she likes about “herself” is that Dialga likes her and that she has Dialga’s powers in the form of a bracelet. Yeah, this could be just to show that Palkia is immature in her ideas about the world, but it’s starting to look like you think her “worth” can only come from external sources (i.e. other people liking her and her fitting herself to match what other people like). I sincerely hope this is something she can grow out of as the story progresses and find something about herself she likes that doesn’t come from Dialga.

    How can her “self”-image be improved by something that has nothing to do with her?

    This is what people mean by you “degrading” Palkia. You make the only thing she likes about herself be something that has literally nothing to do with herself at all. Her entire “self”-worth is entirely based on Dialga instead.
    She feels that if someone took their time to get to know her to the point where they want a relationship with her and has expressed that they want to be committed to her, then she's going to think that's where the self worth comes in. She thinks she's worthy because she's with someone, especially someone who is deemed powerful.

    And since she has those powers but in a form of something tangible, then she's gonna feel even more self worth.

    I dont want to degrade Palkia, and I dont want to seem sexist here. If there's a way I can do it differently then I need help on how to do it. I don't think Palkia is worthless without Dialga, it is Palkia who feels that way. But she grows out of it slowly in this story. She even had to take a huge step; living without Dialga for 3 weeks.


    “It’s has” should be “it has” (or “it had,” if you want to tell the main story in past tense. At this point, I’m not sure which one you use most often, so I’m just going for “past tense” as a default. Let me know which tense you want to write in and I’ll help you with the tenses).
    The main story is supposed to be past tense; however those it's, its really get me :[


    GQ?
    GQ magazine. When someone says "I'm gonna GQ myself" they mean they are going to make themselves look fancy.



    The fact that Dialga doesn’t want to teach her more further emphasizes that her confidence comes from abilities that have nothing to do with her. They’re an external power source that was given to her and, as her fears show, could be taken away just as easily. She’s completely dependent on another Pokemon for her confidence at this point. That’s not really confidence. Now, is this how you want to show her, and eventually show her growing past?
    Yes I want to show her growing past this. Dialga sees that she has been becoming too attached to his basic component and thats why he doesnt want to teach her any further.

    For some reason this made me laugh when I read it. Good job.
    I accomplished something; I made someone laugh

    “His” Giratina? Giratina belongs to Arceus? Maybe omit the possessive pronoun here, and just say he loves Giratina.
    But then there is things like "I love my kids" I love my wife" etc....

    Are all the legendaries going to be paired up? Romance/shipping isn’t really my thing . . .
    No, it's only the these 4 guys, however it's not what the story is about.

    Is the school name a reference to “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”?
    pretty much yeah; Thank my lack of imagination. lol
    An alphabet strip? How old are they?
    15 but the ages if the kids vary. Plus most schools have alphabet strips.


    Why would Palkia feel like she needs to say she’s not stuck up when the powers she’s talking about aren’t even hers? She’s not bragging about herself, but about Dialga.
    I meant to say suck up to him; bad wording that I fixed.

    Here we get the “are legendaries unique” question again. Is Arceus God, or a god? Are there multiple Arceus like there are multiple Palkia? Aren’t Dialga and Palkia technically gods as well? Wouldn’t older Dialga be stronger than this one? And unless the mention of Gothitelle and her child is set-up for their later inclusion, this scene seems more “tell” than “show.”
    He's pretty much the only Arceus here. And actually, Palkia is going to be seeing her, meaning Gothitelle, in the next part.

    The rest, I am confused. :[


    Again, if Cresselia is a deity, isn’t Palkia one too?
    I'm pretty much confused here as well. Palkia is not yet a deity since she's young :[


    anyway the parts I cut out are the ones i fixed before replying to this.
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  5. #5
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    I meant this part
    He chose. Me…
    the other way around. "He chose... me." Sorry if the way I worded it was confusing. Anyway, on to your other concerns.

    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I fixed it to where Palkia told her family she didn't want to learn her powers when the time came for her to do so. So yes she WAs told about her powers and knows she has them, but she doesn't want to use them . . . Ignorance on Palkia's part. She listens to the other kids and thats how she got this idea on what space is.
    OK, but why does she believe her classmates over her family? Why hasn't she ever seen them using space around her and why haven't they tried to teach her.

    Yeah, she can say she doesn't want to learn it, but if its a power she has just from being a Palkia, wouldn't they try to make sure she had some basic control over it so she doesn't hurt someone by accident?
    I pretty much changed both to layed. Even though MS Word has a red underline underneath it, I think it sounds much better than lay in this instance.
    I think "lay" is the past-tense form in this situation. Umm, maybe someone with a better handle with the lay/lie thing can help you on this . . .
    I'm pretty much the same as Palkia in this piece. If someone were to love me over tens of thousands of girls out there, especially better looking ones, I to would be thinking that I had self worth.

    For Palkia, it defines it even more since the guy she is with is the fourth strongest Pokemon in this Pokeverse and controls a very important aspect of the universe.
    Does she feel worthy because another Pokemon is her friend/boyfriend, and she feels better because she's accepted for who she is by another person?

    Or does she feel confident because the other Pokemon happens to be strong and popular?
    Don't fairy tales do this as well? Or Rated G movies?

    I rated it the way I did because I think that it's good for people 10 and up to read lol (I WAS gonna say PG-9 but thats pushing it) unless the mods didnt think so.
    I guess it depends on what they are doing in the bed . . . But seriously, don't worry about it too much. I meant that comment as more of a joke than a criticism.
    I think that maybe Palkia likes her personality, that was a main reason as to why Dialga chose her in the first place (other than him thinking she was breathtakingly beautiful). Of course I would have to try to integrate that... but how?
    I can't tell you how because there are many ways that are ultimately up to you, the author, to use. Just show her being happy while she's just being herself when other people aren't around, or show her doing something that interests her.

    What are her interests? Her quirks? We see Dialga has a thing for waffles and collecting clocks and toasters. Does Palkia collect anything? Does she have hobbies or talents? Just show her doing whatever she does for fun and enjoying it. That'll help.
    She feels that if someone took their time to get to know her to the point where they want a relationship with her and has expressed that they want to be committed to her, then she's going to think that's where the self worth comes in. She thinks she's worthy because she's with someone, especially someone who is deemed powerful.
    Does she like Dialga because he likes her for who she is, or because he's powerful. Would she feel confident with herself if the Pokemon that decided he liked her lost more battles than he won?
    And since she has those powers but in a form of something tangible, then she's gonna feel even more self worth.
    The thing is, her confidence comes in the form of an item. There are both positives and negatives to keep in mind when dealing with this.

    On the positive side, it provides a visual reminder for her that another being sees her as special. If she's losing her cool, she can just look at her wrist and see proof that another person values her existence. This is the aspect I think you're focusing on.

    But, since it is an object, it can be taken away, lost, or otherwise removed from her. And, if this is the entire source of her confidence, her self-worth would be taken away with it. I'm not sure how much you follow the Pokemon anime, but this is like the Sunglasses Krokorok losing its confidence when it doesn't have its shades. This is something you have to think about. Her confidence is based on something she herself feels could be taken away at a moment's notice, as she notes here
    “But… Dialga, you’ll take away something that made me confident…” I said as I started to cry.
    The fact that the thing that makes her confident exists in the form of an object makes her feelings of self-worth fragile at the same time as it gives her a tangible reminder that Dialga likes her. You'll need to address the fact that her confidence comes from a thing that might not always be there.

    Another issue is that these powers are still Dialga's, not Palkia's. She's confident in Dialga's powers and her connection to him. In a way, it's almost like a chain binding her to him. In a positive light, this can be read as a tangible manifestation of their care for each other, but unfortunately it also implies that she's sort of trapped because she wouldn't be able to feel confident without him. Real self-confidence comes from being able to be confident whether others are around or not. Yes, being able to have people who care about you supporting you is a good thing that can boost confidence, but her real test of whether she likes herself comes from finding things about herself that she likes.
    I dont want to degrade Palkia, and I dont want to seem sexist here. If there's a way I can do it differently then I need help on how to do it. I don't think Palkia is worthless without Dialga, it is Palkia who feels that way. But she grows out of it slowly in this story. She even had to take a huge step; living without Dialga for 3 weeks . . . Yes I want to show her growing past this. Dialga sees that she has been becoming too attached to his basic component and thats why he doesnt want to teach her any further.
    That's good. But try not to draw the pacing out too long. Show her growing by including parts where she's just enjoying being herself. It'll help as buildup for whatever action takes place later.
    But then there is things like "I love my kids" I love my wife" etc....
    In those cases, those are titles, descriptions of the person. Giratina is her name. Let me put it this way: if you had a little brother named Bill, would you call him "my Bill" the way you would say "my brother," or would you just call him by his name?
    pretty much yeah; Thank my lack of imagination. lol
    It's a funny reference, so it works.
    15 but the ages if the kids vary. Plus most schools have alphabet strips.
    Usually just at the elementary level, since by high school (the learning grounds of 15-year-olds) they typically already know the alphabet. Outside of classrooms where foreign languages are taught, I don't remember seeing alphabet strips in any high school classrooms.
    He's pretty much the only Arceus here. And actually, Palkia is going to be seeing her, meaning Gothitelle, in the next part.

    The rest, I am confused. :[
    Is he the only Arceus "there" or the only Arceus "at all?" Anyway, the main thing I was getting at is that if legendaries are deities, then aren't Dialga and Palkia considered gods too? They're a tier lower than Arceus in canon, but higher up than almost all others. You also say that this 15-year-old Dialga is the 4th strongest being in their world. Wouldn't older Dialga be stronger than him since he's just learning? Or do you mean that Dialga's family are in a different dimension from him and that this is basically a "school dimension" for the legendaries?

    Finally it just seems to be stated as a list. Where is Palkia getting these figures? How are the statistics kept? If there was an explanation for this in a later part, just listing them off might work at this point. But if you aren't planning on expanding on it later, it would be a good idea to do so now.
    I'm pretty much confused here as well. Palkia is not yet a deity since she's young
    But isn't Cresselia young too? I mean, they are classmates. That makes them around the same age, give or take a few years. If Cresselia's already considered a deity at her age, why isn't Palkia? Do they take a "god license" test at 16 like a human's driver's license or something?
    Last edited by Ememew; 3rd February 2012 at 6:40 AM.

  6. #6

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    Be weary, Latios is pretty much a sexist and abusive character...

    I soon arrive at my first destination: Latios’ house. When I rang the doorbell, so many thoughts were running through my mind. I wondered if Latios would even consider talking to me. Dialga’s words kept repeating itself in my head: Latios doesn’t think highly of girls. I was honestly afraid that he would not tell me how I could become as strong. Not only was he three years older than me and was a foot and six inches taller than me, but he was also five times powerful than I am.

    This was part of the reason as to why I told Dialga not to come with me. Because for this particular visit, I wanted to show Latios that I could take him on by myself; that I could handle his opinions without Dialga always jumping to my rescue. I just want this guy to actually respect me instead of seeing me as just another fragile female Pokemon who’s weaker. Plus, I wanted to take this journey myself. I wanted to find the path of strength on my own, since this was about finding what makes ME strong.

    As I stood outside the door, it finally opened. At the door, stood a young, fragile little girl with long pinkish-reddish hair and an old school styled dress that was red, had a white sash and had puffy sleeves with blue triangles on them. This happened to be a little girl that I really did not like. However, I had to be nice to her since she and Dialga and the rest of our group are good friends.

    “Hey, Latias, is Latios here?” I asked politely while trying to hide my dislike for this girl.

    “Yes, but I cannot get him to the door,” she whispered. “You see, I’m grounded, and I can’t let Latios know that I’m out of my room.”

    “But can’t Latios hear the doorbell from here?” I asked.

    After I asked that question, she looked down at the ground with such shame. I sensed that in her mind, she knew that Latios could hear the doorbell ringing, and with her at the door, it would give it away that she was disobeying him, again. This was pretty much the reason why I disliked Latias. It was because I found her to be rude, disrespectful and she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Dialga thinks she’s an angel however, based on what happened with us on the beach, I see differently.

    “… and what do we have here?” a familiar male voice said from the background.

    Through the door, I could see him coming towards us. He was a very tall guy, indeed. His blue hair was cut short, he was as tan as a wooden table, he had a dark blue sweatshirt with an red triangle in the middle and his light blue pants made him not only taller, but leaner. He glared at Latias as she turned to him and froze. She was so busted.

    “Go to the kitchen,” he ordered with not a lot of emotion in his voice.

    Latias hesitantly started to walk to the kitchen. As she was doing that, he slowly walked over to the doorway. From that moment, I was shaking in my boots. He gave me a smirk and narrowed his eyes at me. I was, in a way, afraid of him. When he stood at the doorway, I felt as if he was staring me down. I really didn’t want to look him in the eye, but since I am here to ask him some questions but out of respect for him, I managed to look him in his dark red eyes.

    “What do you need?” he asked in a voice that sounds as if he was annoyed. “If you’re here to play with Latias, then you came at the wrong time. She’s grounded.”

    “Actually Latios, I came to talk with you,” I said while trying to hide that I was shaking.

    Latios raised an eyebrow when he heard that I was here to talk to him. With his eyes, he double-took twice. “Hm…”

    “Talk about what?” Latios asked.

    “I want to talk with you about strength. About what could I do to make myself stronger,” I replied while avoiding giving him a long story. “Basically, I need your advice.”

    He then stood up taller as he crossed his arms and let out a light chuckle. I was pretty sure that he was laughing at the idea of me wanting to seek his advice on how to be strong, especially from what after Dialga told me about him. If a dainty girl such as myself came up to someone who was respected because of their place on the list, then I would be laughing as well. I don’t blame Latios for laughing.

    “Oh that’s cute! You want to seek my advice, huh?” Latios asked while still chuckling lightly. “Okay... whats-your-name, I can do that, but know that I have strong opinions and I never hold back.”

    “First off, my name is Palkia and second, I’m strong enough to hear your opinions. Plus it will only make me stronger,” I said in an annoyed tone.

    Sorry, but I just hate it when he doesn’t remember my name. Calling me ‘whats-your-name’ was pretty much taking away my identity; a blow to my self-confidence. I am strong enough to hear what he says to me. I promised myself that I would not cry if he says something I didn’t like. Like I said before, this was part of the reason why I told Dialga not to come. Because in this situation, him defending me would make me look bad in Latios’ eyes.

    “Very well then, Palkia, come in and sit at the table,” Latios rolled his eyes as he lead me into the house and into the kitchen.

    After closing the door behind me, I followed him through the rather small living area and into the decent sized kitchen. The kitchen had a bar-like table in the front. From there, Latios pointed to the table as a motion for me to sit there. I went over and grabbed a stool and sat down at the table, with my pen and pad ready to take his notes. Latios went around the bar table and looked straight at his little sister, who was standing there waiting for him. I guess that he wants to have a take with Latias first before talking to me.

    “Alright Latias, you were grounded for what?” Latios asked while crossing his arms.

    “For disobeying you,” she answered in her normal soft tone.

    Typical Latias, alright. She’s always disrespecting his word to the point that it’s very annoying. If she pulled that on me, I don’t care how much Dialga likes her; I would have punished her as well.

    “… and what do you do?” he said in a stern tone. “You disobeyed my orders. I told you to stay in your room. You know what...”

    Latios, out of anger, went a little closer to her. The closer he got, the more intimidated she got. When I looked at the girl, she looked at him pretty calm and being the defiant little girl she is, she would never let him show that he was ready to make her cry or show that he was scaring her.

    “Go to your room,” he ordered as he stood about six inches from her.

    However, this time, she actually did what she was ordered to do without hesitation or back talk. She walked, with her nose up in the air, to her room and slammed the door. I know that if Dialga were here, she would be defiant about the whole thing, but since he’s not here to protect her, it’s a whole different story. All I was doing at the moment was just letting Latios’ accent flow in my ears. He then turned to me and began to lean on the bar table.

    “Okay, what do you want to ask me?” he asked as he stared at me.

    “I need you to give me advice on how to become as strong as you all,” I said as I readied my pen.

    “Here it goes. You can become strong, Palkia. However, you can never become as strong as Dialga, or me,” Latios said. “I don’t think you’ll even be top ten worthy.”

    I could never become as strong as Latios or Dialga? Why not? This was a question that was racing through my head as soon as I heard him say that. If I’m not at least as strong as those two respected guys or the guys in the top ten, then I’m not strong at all and still in the bottom with all of those girls who don’t do a damn thing but fish and drool over guys. There are a few on the bottom who are great fighters but they are in training. But then again, there might be a logical explanation for this.

    “Why do you say that?” I said in my neutral voice.

    “Well, Palkia it’s simple. Biologically, men are stronger than women when it comes to combat. We have more, say experience when it comes to battle and strength,” Latios explained.

    Now I understand. Most of the Pokemon I have seen in ancient battles have been men. Most of the Pokemon listed in the top ten are male. In fact, the only females who were on the top are Gothitelle and Gothorita, a seven year old girl. Remarkable huh? A girl, same age as Latias and two inches shorter than her, could beat out, comparatively, a big and powerful guy such as Dialga and an intelligent and powerful guy such as Latios. Those girls ARE strong. Especially, Gothitelle; man that woman can kick butt, and after my meeting here, I would love to just know how she got to be so strong.

    “I can understand what you're saying. I mean there is a bit of truth to that. However, why are girls like Gothitelle and her kid stronger than most men? If they could strong, can't I be strong?” I asked as I wrote that all down. “ Is there any advice as to how I, can be stronger?”

    Latios paused for a moment at my question. When I looked at him, it appeared as if he couldn't find an explanation as to why those girls are strong.

    “Yes there is. You need to become strong as a person first. You, Palkia aren’t very strong as a person. I can tell from when you rely on Dialga for everything. Even for him to protect you from what I say to you. My point is that you need to stop being reliant on men to do your work and do it yourself,” he explained.

    As I wrote that down, I got to thinking; he’s right. I do rely on Dialga for a lot of things, even for powers that I can use to mask my own. I never really thought of it as making him do my work though.

    “Are you saying that I rely on him too much?” I asked.

    “Yes, and you need to learn how to do things for yourself. This is the reason why I don’t like you; it’s because you’re one of those girls who cling to a man and make them do all the work. You want Dialga to be the one who jumps in to protect you from every little thing. You need to learn how to suck it up, Palkia,” Latios said. “Believe it or not, Palkia, women CAN think for themselves.”

    After I wrote that all down I closed my pad and stood up from the bar table. “Thanks, Latios, for taking the time to answer my questions,” I said.

    “Welcome. I just want to tell you this, and this is something I hardly tell a girl unless they are worthy of me telling them. You have potential, Palkia. You really do, and I can see it in you. If you are strong enough, I’d like to challenge you to battle me. How does that sound?” He asked as he flashed a smile.

    A light blush spread across my face as I tried not to look at him. Me? Have potential? Coming from a guy who doesn’t think highly of girls? That was a HUGE compliment, at least to me. I couldn’t help but smile. I think he’s said this to a few girls but to think I, Palkia, could be one of those girls was a rewarding feeling.

    “Yes, I’d love to. Thank you for the complement,” I said as I was avoiding becoming emotional.

    As I stared to walk out the door on to my next destination, I heard him call out to me one last time.

    “Palkia, is your next stop going to be Gothitelle’s laboratory?” Latios asked.

    “Yes, how come?” I asked him.

    “I’ll be coming by there so you might run into me again,” he chuckled.
    Last edited by Psychic; 8th June 2012 at 12:55 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  7. #7

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    The scenes between Latios and Latias are completely and totally ****ed up. Latios is a complete and total jackass for treating Latias that way. Why the hell is Latios grounding Latias? Aren't they both still in school? No kid should wield the ability to punish a kid like that, ever. And Latias shouldn't be taking this kind of crap from him. She needs to start standing up for herself, and he needs to stop disrespecting her.

  8. #8

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    Alrighty, this is what I did:

    I took out the middle eastern part. Yes he kinda has the accent but I didnt say it in the story. Reason why he has an accent and Latias doesnt is because they were raised by different people.

    As for the sexism, I toned it down by deleting some things that werent necessary. But it doesn't derail Latios' views. Yes I did do research and plus I used a statement that had truth to it.

    I took out the "not as strong as men" part in Palkia's quote. But know that she's young and trying to become strong and is interviewing Latios, so she's going to write down what she hears.

    Latias should be in her room like it said, but I wanted to show her defiant nature plus to stretch this as long as I could.

    I spelled Laboratory wrong.
    岩根雅明=♡

  9. #9
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    Your writing is really good. Your description is very visual and has the right amount of detail. You might cram the detail in a bit, but it's still very good quality.

    Your characterisation is also fairly good. I can see that you are trying to show the personalities of Dialga, Palkia, Latias, Latios and Cresselia. While Latios and Cresselia are clearly shown (I'm assuming Latios is meant to be a bit sexist), and Palkia's lack of confidence is hinted at, you might want to work on making your characters a bit deeper. What I mean is that you could give your good characters bad points or quirks (like Palkia having no confidence) and giving your bad characters some good points - since both of them just seem to be jerks rather than all out villains, this is possible. Are there any points - that aren't strength or beauty - that could redeem Latios and Cress a bit? Cress doesn't need them, however if you want to go a similar route to your other stories and make him a good big brother, he must be more than a jerk.

    Are you going to expand on the bit you mentioned in Latias, where Palkia said that they were good friends? If you are going to mention it, it would be nice to maybe show how they are friends in a later chapter. By the way, who else is in this group she mentioned?

    Also, one slight grammar nitpick - when the girl says "Entei's right, she is a loser" you forgot the last pair of speech marks.

    Overall, a good fanfic, with a bit of room to improve. A slight question, are the top 24 strongest Pokemon listed there the whole species or just individuals? The fact that the Gothitelle you mentioned earlier is said to be a single one and the fact that Throh and Sawk have names points to the latter, but it would be nice if that was clearer. Also (and you can answer this one in a VM), which ones are female? It seems a bit random, I know, but with Latios' whole sexism thingy, it would be interesting to know the real proportions.

    Anyways, I look forward to reading the next chapter! I already have a feeling of what might happen, and it sounds very interesting~

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    But arent strength or beauty two things that kinda define a person based on first impression? But yeah there's more to Latios and Cresselia than what I've said so far, in fact they are going to appear in the next chapter.

    As for the list, those are individual Pokemon, and yes I will give out genders in the spoiler:

        Spoiler:- beegh:
    Last edited by はるひ; 18th February 2012 at 2:57 AM.
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  11. #11
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    Before I start with the more recent chapters, I’ll restate a question or two I had earlier. If Cresselia is a deity, why isn’t Palkia one as well? They’re both students at the same school, so they should be roughly the same age, and obviously Cresselia isn’t already done learning because she’s still in school. So why is Cresselia already a moon deity while Palkia isn’t considered a goddess of Space?

    And why hasn’t Palkia learned what space is from her family? I can (kind of) get her not learning how to use it, but to not have even been told so much as what space IS is hard to swallow, to say the least. Maybe it would help you come up with a solid reason (or otherwise, just decide it really does make more sense to have her know after all) if you figure out what Legendary family life is like before they attend school.
    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    oh and before we get to it, here is the infamous list I keep blabbing about in the story.
    Um, when I said you needed to explain this list, I meant you need to (at least eventually) tell us in the story how and why this list is made. Who made this list and why? How is their strength level measured? How often is it updated? How does the average Pokémon like Palkia hear about the current placements on it? This is more complicated of an answer than just the list itself and should be explained in the story.
        Spoiler:- the list!:
    And then there’s the list itself. Palkia is number 13 in the list. 13 out of the possibly billions of Pokémon in this world (or is this list based on a single country, in which it would still breach the millions?). And she thinks she’s weak? Huh? Number 13 out of even a few hundred if the list is of a significantly smaller population is certainly nothing to sneeze at. Why does she think she’s weak and useless when she’s obviously not?

    Moreover, the Pokémon she feels inferior to (Cresselia) doesn’t even make the top 24. She’s not on the list at all. I know you said it is an “incomplete” list, but if this really shows the top 24 in order, and Palkia puts a lot of stock in this list, then she should have nothing to worry about from Cresselia since she clearly already surpasses her.

    The solution? Think a little more about what this list actually is (how/why it is made, how large the population it is measuring is) rather than just posting the list as your answer to my questions about it. Working out the reasons for the list existing to begin with and how it works should help you work out logic problems that arise from it. Do not answer with just the first thing that pops into your head, but rather work out answers to all the questions I suggest here as thoroughly as you can. As an author, you create worlds with your words. Try to give these worlds a strong foundation and the rest of the story will make a lot more sense.

    Moving on to the new chapters, then.
    I sprang from my chair and began to run after her, with fumes in my eyes. As soon as I got to her, I grabbed her by her pretty blonde hair and yanked her towards me. At the moment, I felt as if I just blacked out. I know that I pulled on her hair so tight that I could feel parts of her hair falling off. I couldn’t see what was it that was I doing to her; however I do know what I was actually doing by feeling. I was hitting her at a rapid pace, trying to strike her in her head. I also was trying to use my fingernails to scratch her, which I have missed her face and scratched her head instead.
    The bolded comma isn’t needed.

    “which I have missed” is a little awkward to read. Try “although I missed her face . . .” or something similar.

    “do” should be “did” to remain in past tense.

    Wow, Palkia’s been pushed over the edge by Cresselia’s teasing, hasn’t she? With a reaction like this, it looks like she’s been holding this frustration in for a long time.
    As I was fighting, I could hear many things being said at once. In one ear, I could hear the other kids saying ‘fight, fight, fight!’ I could also hear screaming from some of the other kids as well. However most of the screaming came from Cresselia as I was trying to hurt her. In the other ear, I could hear my name being yelled out many times by Dialga, who, was trying to pry me away from the fight. I felt his strong hands on top of mine, trying to get me to stop pulling her hair. Inside, I really wanted to stop fighting, and it was mostly because of Dialga, however, I really wanted to teach this girl a lesson. That I may be weaker than her, but it doesn’t give her the right to mess with me.
    You don’t need a comma between “who” and “was” here.

    I’m a little confused by the wording of the bolded phrase. She both wants to stop and continue the fight at the same time (because her feelings really are conflicted on the matter), but the phrasing could be cleaner.

    Again, nice description of Palkia snapping from being driven to the edge. When she (eventually) learns how to maintain her calm during a fight, she’ll make one powerful battler.

    I could feel my hands slipping away from her hair and someone’s arm, which I assume was Dialga’s, holding me back. As I was trying to break out of his grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around my torso area and lifted me to go back five paces from where I was originally having this showdown. Right there and there, I felt secure enough to stop fidgeting and try to catch my breath.
    Underlines are places that should be past tense.

    Do you mean “there and then” instead of “there and there”? (Interestingly enough, the way you have it now references space – there – twice, while the other version is space and time – then – to describe the moment.)
    I can feel him, once again, lifting me up; however, I felt that he was trying to bring me back to our table. This time, I didn’t even try to struggle out of his grasp. In the moment, I felt very comfortable that way. Because I knew that he was trying to protect me from everything that was going on. To me, it feels like a blur to me. My eyes are open, but I felt like I wasn’t really grasping everything that was going on. All I knew was that I was trying to hurt Cresselia… bad. I don’t care to see if I have done the job or not. I just really wanted to get out of here and with Dialga by my side. I felt that I have gotten my point across to her and anyone else who chooses to mess with me.
    That bolded semicolon really doesn’t look right there. It might be better to drop the semicolon and the word “however” and just split it into two sentences there to make it flow better.

    Likewise, drop the bolded comma.

    The phrase that starts with “Because I knew” isn’t a complete sentence, and would probably work better combined with the previous one. I don’t think you even need a comma to combine them; just drop the “.” and change the B to lowercase.

    You don’t need to say “to me” twice in that sentence.

    Underlines are the same as ever.

    Hmmm, at the same time as she feels she was able to fight for herself to scare off a bully, she also feels the need to be guarded from the others by Dialga? Or is it her own violent streak she feels Dialga is protecting her from? While the latter works, the former seems to be at a disconnect. I’m just trying to establish what Palkia feels she’s being protected from here, just after she demonstrated she can protect herself from Cresselia.
    As Dialga put me down on the ground, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly and burying my head in his chest plate. I was letting my emotions out as Dialga rocked side to side, while having his arms tightly around me as well. While I was crying, I shouted his name a few times out of distress. As I was doing so, Dialga made shush noises to calm me down; however it was so hard to be calm at the moment. I was still in school, a place I didn’t want to be at and just pulled another girl’s hair. I finally looked up at Dialga and started to look into his eyes.
    Again, is she crying and feeling the need to be protected because of what she just did or because of what she thinks the others might do to her? I ask because this:
    “I’m so sorry, Dia. She provoked me,” I said softly on the verge of tears.
    suggests that she’s upset because she lost control and went further than she probably meant to while this:

    “Everything’s alright. Just know, Palkia that I will always protect you from getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally, alright?”
    implies that he’s protecting her from the other Pokémon even though she seems to have emerged the least damaged from her brawl with Cresselia.

    Don’t get me wrong, they can have two different interpretations of the same event if that’s what you’re intending here. But I just want to make sure that’s what you are trying to get across.
    Yes, Dialga,” I said as I was beginning to calm down. I, once again, rested my head on his metal plate for comfort.

    Then suddenly, I heard a familiar voice coming inside the building. However, I was just too exhausted from the events to lift my head to see who just came in. But, I could hear this person talking to the other students and what they were saying as well.
    I think you’re missing some quotation marks from the front of Palkia’s dialogue, and the bolded comma is unneeded.
    “Now what’s going on here?” a woman’s voice asked.

    “Palkia pulled my hair! And then she hit me and scratched me!” Cresselia cried. She sounded like she was really in pain, however I really didn’t care. I wanted to give the girl what she deserved.

    “It’s okay, Cress,” I heard a guy’s voice say to her. “She’s a loser, that’s all there is to it.”

    “Yeah,” I heard a girl’s voice say. “Everyone knows she’s just jealous because you’re better than her and you’re pretty much the only deity in this class. Entei’s right, she is a loser.
    You’re also missing the end quotation marks after this girl talks.

    Once again, why is Cresselia the only deity in a class of legends? She’s still learning too, so how is she already considered a goddess while the others are not?

    And why does the teacher just take Cresselia’s word for it? Doesn’t she listen to Palkia’s side of the fight?
    At that moment, I want to scream at them; however Dialga’s strong arms were preventing me to do just that. His grip was too great, and plus his comfort was making it useless to want to backlash. However, it didn’t stop him from wanting to give them a piece of his mind. I can feel him turning his body the other way as he began to speak.
    The bolded phrase is a little odd. Maybe you could word this less awkwardly?

    Also, does she have to mention that his arms are “strong” every time she mentions them?
    “Hey! I don’t give a damn what you think about her, but DO NOT disrespect Palkia that way in front of me, alright?” Dialga said in a stern voice. “She is the love of my life and she’s NOT a loser. Cresselia was attacked because she provoked Palkia.”

    “I just want to get out of here!” I cried as I was clinging to Dialga even tighter.
    Why, after attacking her tormenter, is Palkia unable to articulate a defense for herself to the teacher/other kids? She wants to just retreat while Dialga defends her. I get that her attack was because she snapped from the built up pressure, but does she really have to curl back into her Dialga-reliant ball immediately after the adrenaline runs out?
    “Everything’s going to be alright. Just close your eyes,” Dialga whispered in my ear as I could feel his arm wrapping around my legs.

    With all of his strength, he lifted me off the ground and held me tightly, so much so that I didn’t feel the need to hold on to him. Plus, I was just too embarrassed to take my hands off my face. I could feel him walking; however I had no idea as to where he was taking me. All I knew was that he told me to keep my eyes closed and that everything was going to be alright. So I melted in to his arms and rested on his chest plate, waiting to know where he was going to take me.
    Umm . . .
    . . .
    . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    After a fight in which she badly injures another student, the teacher just stands back and lets her boyfriend carry her out of the building without even the slightest disciplinary consequence for either the fight or for leaving school early? Um, What?

    I took my hands off of my face and opened my eyes. There, I laid eyes on the blue, diamond filled sky while feeling the motion of the cold waterbed underneath me. A smile stretched across my face when I realized that Dialga has brought me back home. I turned to my right and saw him sitting there on the bed beside me. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I quickly sat up on the bed, and with all of my might, moved closer to him.
    Again, they just simply leave the school without any consequences?

    Also, you might want to establish why two 15 year olds are living together without any adults around.

    “Dammit, Palkia! What are you doing?” he laughed as he saw that I managed to get on my knees.

    I put both of my hands on his shoulders as I brought my left leg over him. As of now, I was sitting on top of him and a light blush came over my face. As for Dialga, his face was almost red as he slowly put his arms around me. I knew that both of us were digging the position we were in. I can see it on his face when he gave me a great big smile.

    “You’re so beautiful, Palkia. Did you know that?” Dialga asked softly.

    I shook my head no as I blushed even more. At that point, I didn’t know what to say to him. Every time he’d say that to me, I would be at loss for words. Even when we first met, I never understood why a guy as good looking as he was goes for a girl who wasn’t society’s vision of beautiful. So every time he’d tell me that, my heart rate would go up. I could actually feel a cold wind of confidence come over me as I smiled at him. However, I knew that I had to change the conversation or distract him.

    “So… how did you get around to sneaking out of the school?” I asked while changing the subject and quietly reaching for his shirt. I softly tugged on the collar and began to unbutton the small buttons that were lined vertically on his shirt.
    Um… PG-10?

    “Eh, I was quiet about it. The teach was talking with Cresselia and her friends, so I saw this as a perfect opportunity to escape. I know I’ll get written up for it, but I’ll stand up to the man,” he said with a smirk on his face.
    Is this teacher completely incompetent? I mean, Dialga sweeps her into his arms and just walks out because . . . the teacher is still talking to Cresselia? It might work better if you say he messed with time to aid their escape or something.

    “Mrs. Applebee… ”
    Out of curiosity, what is Mrs. Applebee? Is she even a Pokémon at all?
    I finally got to unbutton the last button, which Dialga would complain that it’s the hardest button to get to. All the while, he wasn’t noticing what I was doing. I just smiled at him, while secretly admiring what I did.
    “that it’s” and “would” sort of sound clunky in this sentence. Maybe “which Dialga sometimes complained was the hardest button to get to” would work better?

    “Hey, what is that?” I asked as I pointed to the top left of the dimension.

    Dialga looked over in the direction that I pointed to look for what I was apparently talking about. While he took the bait, I took both ends of his shirt and I separated them, exposing his torso. After I did just that, I rested my head on his bare chest. Then, I could hear his heat beating at a normal pace as I melted on to him, taking in his sent.
    PG . . . 10?

    “I wish I can find out how to be strong though, since you won’t teach me anymore time powers,” I whispered while with my right hand, I went up and down his side.

    Since Dialga told me he won’t be teaching me my powers, I felt that my self-worth has been crushed. However, if I could find my own path to being a strong Pokemon, then maybe I [U]can]/U] gain it back and some confidence as well. Maybe it could be something that Dialga could help me out with.
    Again, her “self”-worth doesn’t even come from herself at this point, so I hope you’re planning to have her learn her own skills when gaining real confidence.

    Also, Palkia is coming across as obsessed with strength/power or the lack thereof. It might be a good idea to start exploring the idea that confidence and worth don’t come from battle ability alone. Physical might isn’t the end-all-be-all measure of what makes a person worth anything in this world, right?
    “You can Palkia. You need to ask the top five strongest Pokemon of Unova. You already have one of them, me! However, you need to expand your horizons more and talk to other strong Pokemon. Maybe you’ll learn something new,” Dialga replied.
    Ok, just wondering why he jumped to this as the solution.

    And why does he also sound like “strength/power is everything”?
    After hearing what he said, I thought it was a wonderful idea. If I talked to all of those Pokemon, maybe I could learn some new methods of strength, other than from Dialga. I mean he IS number four as is, and I know who is number one, two and three, however the person who is number five escapes me at the moment.
    You might want to break that into separate sentences between the bolded words.

    “Who’s number five? I want to ask them all in order,” I asked as I sat up.

    “Number five is Latios, but be weary. Latios doesn’t think highly of girls,” Dialga said with a serious tone in his voice.

    “Dialga, I need a pad and a pen!” I said as a spang from the bed.
    “Spang” should be “sprang.”

    Anyway, why does Dialga suggest “top 5” as the cutoff when he has doubts about Palkia asking the person ranked number 5 on the list?

    The focus on “strength/power” as Palkia’s only hope to gain self-confidence and worth is worrisome. Just how much focus is placed on combat ability in this world? What does this focus imply for the world? Or is it just Palkia obsessing over strength as the end-all-be-all that makes her think this way, rather than the culture? Again, I ask, does Palkia have any other talents or hobbies that don’t involve stripping Dialga or worrying about being inferior in appearance/power?

    On to the chapter with Latios and another mess entirely.
    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I soon arrive at my first destination: Latios’ house. When I rang the doorbell, so many thoughts were running through my mind. I wondered if Latios would even consider talking to me. Dialga’s words kept repeating itself in my head: Latios doesn’t think highly of girls. I was honestly afraid that he would not tell me how I could become as strong. Not only was he three years older than me and was a foot and six inches taller than me, but he was also five times powerful than I am.
    Words are plural, itself is singular. Use “themselves” to make them both plural.

    Also, I think you could catch a lot of the tense issues by reading the story out loud to yourself. Don’t do so immediately. After finishing an entry, let the chapter sit unposted for a few days. Then reopen the chapter and read it aloud to yourself to check for any spelling/grammar/tense issues you can catch.

    Then there’s the theme of this chapter. I’ll put my thoughts on this in a Spoiler box to avoid confusing my review of this chapter with my review of your handling of this subject in general.
        Spoiler:- Concerns on subject matter:

    This was part of the reason as to why I told Dialga not to come with me. Because for this particular visit, I wanted to show Latios that I could take him on by myself; that I could handle his opinions without Dialga always jumping to my rescue. I just want this guy to actually respect me instead of seeing me as just another fragile female Pokemon who’s weaker. Plus, I wanted to take this journey myself. I wanted to find the path of strength on my own, since this was about finding what makes ME strong.
    Nice, she’s taking the first steps toward independence by choosing to face Latios alone. I would hope that this would mean that she would be willing to question Latios’s opinions as well rather than taking everything he says as fact because he happens to be ranked number 5.
    As I stood outside the door, it finally opened. At the door, stood a young, fragile little girl with long pinkish-reddish hair and an old school styled dress that was red, had a white sash and had puffy sleeves with blue triangles on them.
    Replace the comma with the word “and” and this will be a smoother read.
    This happened to be a little girl that I really did not like. However, I had to be nice to her since she and Dialga and the rest of our group are good friends . . .After I asked that question, she looked down at the ground with such shame. I sensed that in her mind, she knew that Latios could hear the doorbell ringing, and with her at the door, it would give it away that she was disobeying him, again. This was pretty much the reason why I disliked Latias. It was because I found her to be rude, disrespectful and she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Dialga thinks she’s an angel however, based on what happened with us on the beach, I see differently.
    Oh boy, here we go . . . Why does Palkia dislike Latias? Apparently because she doesn’t obey her brother’s commands without question like a good little servant. You have Palkia, the character the reader sees the world through, saying that Latias is arrogant for not doing what her brother commands. As controlling as her brother is, the only way Latias has any say in her life at all seems to stem from disobeying her brother’s orders, and Palkia says that doing that is wrong. Should Latias act like a robot without a mind of her own? Is that what Palkia feels her place is?

    Anyway, as I read the scene, it didn’t even seem like Latias intentionally disobeyed her brother. It reads (to me, anyway) as though Latias heard the doorbell and opened the door on instinct, realizing only after the fact that she disobeyed her brother to do so. How is “acting of your own free will” equated to disrespect? I mean, I understand that she’s already being punished and this particular act of disobedience is technically evading a punishment for something else (intentionally or otherwise), but I have yet to see any situation in which Latias is allowed to so much as disagree with her brother without it being deemed “disrespectful” that she dare to have her own brain.
    Latias hesitantly started to walk to the kitchen. As she was doing that, he slowly walked over to the doorway. From that moment, I was shaking in my boots. He gave me a smirk and narrowed his eyes at me. I was, in a way, afraid of him. When he stood at the doorway, I felt as if he was staring me down. I really didn’t want to look him in the eye, but since I am here to ask him some questions but out of respect for him, I managed to look him in his dark red eyes.
    Do you mean “and” instead of “but” here?
    “What do you need?” he asked in a voice that sounds as if he was annoyed. “If you’re here to play with Latias, then you came at the wrong time. She’s grounded

    “Actually Latios, I came to talk with you,” I said while trying to hide that I was shaking.

    Latios raised an eyebrow when he heard that I was here to talk to him. With his eyes, he double-took twice. “Hm…”
    The bolded phrase seems repetitive. Maybe change up the wording of one of the pair to prevent essentially saying the same thing twice.
    He then stood up taller as he crossed his arms and let out a light chuckle. I was pretty sure that he was laughing at the idea of me wanting to seek his advice on how to be strong, especially from what after Dialga told me about him. If a dainty girl such as myself came up to someone who was respected because of their place on the list, then I would be laughing as well. I don’t blame Latios for laughing.

    “Oh that’s cute! You want to seek my advice, huh?” Latios asked while still chuckling lightly. “Okay... whats-your-name, I can do that, but know that I have strong opinions and I never hold back.”

    “First off, my name is Palkia and second, I’m strong enough to hear your opinions. Plus it will only make me stronger,” I said in an annoyed tone.
    Good for Palkia, she corrects Latios. She’s willing to stand up for herself when she consciously removes Dialga’s help from the scene. Now she needs to figure out how to stand up for herself without Dialga’s help even when he is present.

    Sorry, but I just hate it when he doesn’t remember my name. Calling me ‘whats-your-name’ was pretty much taking away my identity; a blow to my self-confidence.
    No, Palkia, don’t apologize or make excuses. Latios IS in the wrong for stripping you of your identity by intentionally forgetting your name. Don’t apologize for correcting someone who is actually in the wrong.
    I am strong enough to hear what he says to me. I promised myself that I would not cry if he says something I didn’t like. Like I said before, this was part of the reason why I told Dialga not to come. Because in this situation, him defending me would make me look bad in Latios’ eyes.
    Aside from the tenses, you use “says” and “said” a lot in this section. It might help to use other words in some of these cases to mix up the vocabulary a bit.
    “Alright Latias, you were grounded for what?” Latios asked while crossing his arms.

    “For disrespecting you,” she answered softly while her head was bowed.

    Typical Latias, alright. She’s always disrespecting his word to the point that it’s very annoying. If she pulled that on me, I don’t care how much Dialga likes her; I would have punished her as well.
    Again, disobeying =/= disrespecting. Those are two different concepts. They can be related, but the way these scenes look, it seems as though Latios and Palkia equate any form of free-will from Latias as disrespectful to her “master.” It’s creepy.
    “… and what do you do? Disrespect me, again,” he said in a stern tone. “You disobeyed my orders. I told you to stay in your room. You know what, you need to learn respect.”

    “NO!” she yelled out.

    Latios, out of anger, went a little closer to her. The closer he got, the more afraid she got. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to break down; however, being the defiant little girl she is, she would never let him show that he was ready to make her cry.

    “Get on your knees,” he ordered as he stood about six inches from her.

    However, this time, she actually did what she was ordered to do without hesitation or back talk. She got down on the floor, on her knees and just sat there with her head down. I know that if Dialga were here, she would be defiant about the whole thing, but since he’s not here to protect her, it’s a whole different story. All I was doing at the moment was just letting Latios’ accent flow in my ears. He then turned to me and began to lean on the bar table.
    And the absolute creepiness of the scene continues. Latios is punishing his sister by humiliating her, and Palkia is sitting back and enjoying Latias’s suffering.

    Being forced to get on her knees is humiliating, even more so as she has to just sit there in front of company. Company that takes pleasure in seeing her degraded.

    What’s more, the other two then proceed to talk and ignore Latias for the rest of the scene while the young girl is forced to just kneel there, completely still and silent and very uncomfortable, for however long it takes them to finally realize she’s still in the room.

    In short, Latios’s punishment of his sister is just plain creepy. Now comes the question: Is this how you want the scene to look? Do you want Latios to come off as an over-the-top, controlling jerk, or as Latias’s parental figure trying to get her to realize she did something wrong? Because as it is, you have “over-the-top, controlling jerk” down to a T.
    “Here it goes. You can become strong, Palkia. However, you can never become as strong as Dialga, or me,” Latios said. “I don’t think you’ll even be top ten worthy.”
    When she’s already at top 13?
    I could never become as strong as Latios or Dialga? Why not? This was a question that was racing through my head as soon as I heard him say that. If I’m not at least as strong as those two respected guys or the guys in the top ten, then I’m not strong at all and still in the bottom with all of those girls who don’t do a damn thing but fish and drool over guys. There are a few on the bottom who are great fighters but they are in training. But then again, there might be a logical explanation for this.
    Just a few points:

    How is “13th place” at the bottom? And more importantly . . .

    Why is the bottom filled entirely with female characters, and love-sick female characters at that, when the point of writing with this subject matter again is to show that you “aren’t” sexist? You seem to be making a rather glaring statement to the contrary by saying that the bottom of the list is all female.

    This isn’t Latios. This isn’t even really Palkia. This is YOU claiming through Palkia’s words that these are just the plain facts of the world, when you as the creator of this world hold it entirely within your power to create an even distribution of power among the sexes.
    “Well, Palkia it’s simple. Biologically, men are stronger than women when it comes to combat. We have more, say experience when it comes to battle and strength,” Latios explained.

    Now I understand. Most of the Pokemon I have seen in ancient battles have been men. Most of the Pokemon listed in the top ten are male.
    Palkia doesn’t even so much as attempt to dispute this. Why does she take Latios’s world for it? She was willing to stand up for herself when he refused to remember her name, so why does she just accept this as fact?

    Why, when you are trying not to come off as sexist, are you making the top of the list 80% male? Saying that men are just better than women is pretty much the definition of sexism.

    Finally, why does she accept this when . . .
    In fact, the only females who were on the top are Gothitelle and Gothorita, a seven year old girl. Remarkable huh? A girl, same age as Latias and two inches shorter than her, could beat out, comparatively, a big and powerful guy such as Dialga and an intelligent and powerful guy such as Latios. Those girls ARE strong. Especially, Gothitelle; man that woman can kick butt, and after my meeting here, I would love to just know how she got to be so strong.
    EVERY SINGLE THING she thinks next suggests that Latios is incorrect on this matter? Not only are both of these examples in the top ten, they are in the top three. As in 2/3 of the top three are women. One of whom is a 7-year-old likely to become even stronger as she grows. Why does Palkia accept Latios’s statement as fact when she herself is able to cite two very compelling arguments to the contrary?
    “Yes there is. You need to become strong as a person first. You, Palkia aren’t very strong as a person. I can tell from when you rely on Dialga for everything. Even for him to protect you from what I say to you. My point is that you need to stop being reliant on men to do your work and do it yourself. This is the biggest problem I have with most women,” he explained.
    Latios is really annoying me right now.

    Oh, fun fact. Latias is still on her knees being forgotten by the rest of the room right now, too.
    “Yes, and you need to learn how to do things for yourself. This is the reason why I don’t like you; it’s because you’re one of those girls who cling to a man and make them do all the work. You want Dialga to be the one who jumps in to protect you from every little thing. You need to learn how to suck it up, Palkia,” Latios said. “Believe it or not, Palkia, women CAN think for themselves, but I can’t say the same for all of them.”
    He says even though she clearly made the decision to come here sans Dialga.

    And while he punishes Latias for thinking for herself. The very thing he claims he dislikes women for not doing. Latias just can’t win with this guy, can she?
    A light blush spread across my face as I tried not to look at him. Me? Have potential? Coming from a guy who doesn’t think highly of girls? That was a HUGE compliment, at least to me. I couldn’t help but smile. I think he’s said this to a few girls but to think I, Palkia, could be one of those girls was a rewarding feeling.
    Exactly why does Palkia accept this acknowledgement that she has potential from a jerk like Latios while she doesn’t believe it when coming from Dialga?

    “Yes, I’d love to. Thank you for the complement,” I said as I was avoiding becoming emotional.

    As I stared to walk out the door on to my next destination, I heard him call out to me one last time.

    “Palkia, is your next stop going to be Gothitelle’s laboratory?” Latios asked.

    “Yes, how come?” I asked him.

    “I’ll be coming by there so you might run into me again,” he chuckled.
    I sense trouble ahead.




    -Silver-, I understand that being sexist is part of Latios’s character. At the same time, your world doesn’t have to reflect that sentiment. Palkia doesn’t have to accept it as though it is a universal truth when obvious exceptions exist. Latias doesn’t have to obey her brother like a robot just because he’s a guy, while Palkia doesn’t have to take pleasure in seeing her punished for having a mind of her own. It might help if you give yourself a break from the story until you’ve come to a more thorough understanding of what “sexism” is.

        Spoiler:- Question:
    Last edited by Ememew; 18th February 2012 at 10:10 PM.

  12. #12

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    I shall fix all the grammar issues later on. I'm going to respond to the later chapter because that one has the most issues, which before I go into that I want to ask if you were joking about the PG10 bit again? Anyway: I did do my research on it however I have changes some parts to some scenes. So, this is what I did: I changed Latios' punishment to go to your room, so that makes it better. Also when I reread that scene with the disobeying, I kinda got the two words mixed up so I shall re do that if I could find the words for it.

    I did add a part to their talk. Where Palkia mentions Gothitelle and her kid, I changed the quote to where she mentions him, but Latios kinda dodges the question. I have also changed some parts to Latios' quotes as well. And as for the part about the love sickness, that was supposed to be an exaggeration on Palkia's part. Most of the bottom are girls but they are not love sick. In fact three of them are being taught by the girl who's number two on the list. and most of them are just happy with being them. They don't need a man to be happy.

    Also I bumped a character down because he's a special attacker and it needs work, so now there are three females in the top ten.

    everything else, I shall reply to later when I fix those tense issues I always run into. As for the spoiler, no it doesn't seem weird to me with the genders reversed.
    岩根雅明=♡

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I shall fix all the grammar issues later on. I'm going to respond to the later chapter because that one has the most issues, which before I go into that I want to ask if you were joking about the PG10 bit again?
    Well, Palkia is taking off Dialga's shirt while in bed with him. I think that's a fair bit closer to "PG-13" than "PG-10." Feel free to ask for a second opinion, but I don't really think it's "10" material.
    Anyway: I did do my research on it however I have changes some parts to some scenes. So, this is what I did: I changed Latios' punishment to go to your room, so that makes it better. Also when I reread that scene with the disobeying, I kinda got the two words mixed up so I shall re do that if I could find the words for it.
    It's nice to see the punishment changed to something more reasonable. Remember, if you intend a character to come off as reasonable or over-the-top or whatever, their actions need to reflect that. If you want Latios to seem like a frustrated older brother then a more reasonable punishment works better. It's OK to have over-the-top characters if you actually WANT them to seem over the top, but if you want Latios to be more levelheaded, the punishments should fit the crime rather than being so extreme. Being sent to her room makes a lot more sense here than the previous scene.

    Maybe "misbehaved" or "broke the rules" could work in place of "disrespected"? Not only do these convey that Latias is in trouble because she doesn't follow "the rules" (as opposed to "her brother's orders"), they also make it seem like Latios takes the misbehavior less personally. She's not (intentionally) insulting her brother by doing things without his permission or breaking house rules, is she? Then a more levelheaded Latios should be able to make this distinction and use punishments that are intended to teach Latias that her actions were wrong, not to break her spirit.

    Also I think it would help you portray Latios and Latias's relationship as a protective rather than overbearing one if you give Latias opportunities to disagree with her brother's position on things without being punished for it. Latios should also try to use "positive reinforcement" from time to time (reward Latias for good behavior). As it is, Latias has the option of following her brother's rules and not getting punished or breaking them in order to have any control over her own life and being punished for it. "No punishment" is not a "positive," it's a neutral position, neither helpful nor harmful to Latias. If Latios offered positive reinforcement, like giving Latias a new toy when she does listen to him, then she would have some incentive to do so because she would gain something. Letting her have a say in things would also give her more reason to listen to her brother. If she gets a say in the matter (and yes, even little kids are allowed a say from time to time when disagreeing with their parents if the actions they want to do aren't actually harmful to them), she might feel she has some control over her life and become better able to recognize when Latios's rules actually are reasonable. You could introduce this concept over time by having Latios realize his sister might listen to him more if he gives her some control and positive reinforcement, allowing you to show the siblings growing as characters alongside Palkia.
    I did add a part to their talk. Where Palkia mentions Gothitelle and her kid, I changed the quote to where she mentions him, but Latios kinda dodges the question. I have also changed some parts to Latios' quotes as well.
    I think it's enough that she actually objects instead of just accepting whatever he says as "that's just how things are." Her objecting to the idea that women can't be strong as men makes her more viable as the character that will show you are learning how to deal with sexism in a more sensitive manner. The fact that Latios doesn't have an answer is actually a good thing here because there actually is no answer other than that women really CAN be equal to men. The problem before, along with some of Latios's dialogue that you have already taken out, was that Palkia just simply agreed with what he said, even though it was sexist.
    And as for the part about the love sickness, that was supposed to be an exaggeration on Palkia's part. Most of the bottom are girls but they are not love sick. In fact three of them are being taught by the girl who's number two on the list. and most of them are just happy with being them. They don't need a man to be happy.
    Exagerations by the main character are OK, but why does Palkia feel that this statement has enough substance to it to use it this way? If it is just the minority that are love sick, why does Palkia categorize them all this way? Is this generalization of the other female Pokemon something you plan on having Palkia grow out of over the course of the story? I think it *might* be Ok to keep the line IF Palkia eventually learns that the truth is quite different from what she initially thought.

    Also, why are there more girls toward the bottom of the list? Why isn't the mix more even throughout? Without providing a solid reason (solid reason = one that ISN'T "girls are weaker than boys"), this distribution of genders in "the list" is problematic.
    Also I bumped a character down because he's a special attacker and it needs work, so now there are three females in the top ten.
    Out of curiosity, why do you seem to have an aversion to Special attacks? Why do you see them as necessarily weaker than physical ones?
    everything else, I shall reply to later when I fix those tense issues I always run into. As for the spoiler, no it doesn't seem weird to me with the genders reversed.
    Ok, just remember the questions about the purpose of the list, how Cresselia's already a deity when no one else is, and how on earth Palkia never heard about what space was before are questions I have asked before without a response. Try not to forget about them between saying this and your next round of edits.

  14. #14
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    4) Always rate it and keep it appropriate.
    Always be sure to rate your fic accordingly based its content. Ratings belong in the title or the first post of your fic thread and indicate what readers can expect in regards to mature themes, violence, gore, strong language/swearing, and sexual content. Evading the swear filter is allowed within the context of a story.
    This is the second time there's been reports about a story of yours not having warnings for abusive relationships/domestic violence/sexism which is a trigger for other people. Please add in warnings or I will close.

    And if it happens a third time I'll have to close the thread straightaway.

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    I could understand the sexism since I should I said that from the get-go and maybe the abusive part even though, I fixed it but violence? I put it on the first post anyway.

    Question is; does the rating have to change because there's kids stories that have this stuff...

    I work very hard on this, it takes me weeks just to figure out a whole part, so I would be sad if my thread were closed.
    Last edited by はるひ; 19th February 2012 at 4:27 PM.
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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I could understand the sexism since I should I said that from the get-go and maybe the abusive part even though, I fixed it but violence? I put it on the first post anyway.

    Question is; does the rating have to change because there's kids stories that have this stuff...

    I work very hard on this, it takes me weeks just to figure out a whole part, so I would be sad if my thread were closed.
    Domestic violence, which doesn't necessarily involve the physical kind.

    I would think PG-10 is too mild for what you have in your story, to be frank.

    And sad or not, rules are rules.

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  17. #17

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        Spoiler:- reponses, responses:


    This chapter has weird jokes, beautiful girls and battles

    During my long walk from Latios’ house, I finally came across the laboratory. From a distance, it looked like a huge white one story building, with gates built around it on the sides. However, it had no gate on the front of the building. In the front, it looked like an ordinary home, but inside, it was a different story. Believe me, it was almost like a mansion adorned with machinery. It was pretty huge alright and it also had a battle school in the back if I remembered the last time I visited.

    As I walked up to the door and knocked, I was thinking of the many things Latios was saying to me. I felt flattered that he felt that I could be strong and that I had potential, but to never be in the top ten saddens me. Mainly because that was one of my goals for when I became stronger; secure a place amongst the top ten strongest Pokemon. Problem is that there was truth to what Latios told me. Most of everyone on the top ten was male. There were only three females on the list; and two of them were much respected females to boot. One of them, well I should say two; I’m waiting to ask right about now. Also, maybe I could talk to the other League members.

    I stood there, just reading over my notes I jotted down from Latios until, the door started to open. I looked, and there stood this girl, a tall girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin and was sporting a blue bikini. This girl looked a lot like Cresselia; however this girl happened to be prettier. Her back length blonde hair, which was curly, was lighter and so was her tan to a point that it looked perfect. She was also taller as well, model tall to be exact. In fact, while looking at this girl, I swore I’ve seen her on a cover of Teen Pokemon, where she posed with Giratina, the young one.

    “Oh, hello… ummm…” I said as I was trying to remember her name. It’s there but I can’t wrap my tongue around it.

    “Milotic… the name’s Milotic if that’s what you’re trying to figure out,” she said in her normal English accent.

    Bingo! That’s the one; this is the girl who posed with Giratina on the Teen Pokemon cover. Man, you have to be pretty darn good looking to be in that magazine let alone be on the cover. Not only that, but this girl had been trying to get with the love of my life before, even when I was right there. She eventually stopped but now she’s after another man, using her fem charm and her body. Which to say, I envy so much. I wish that could be me, with the perfect figure, getting all the guys’ attention.

    “Oh.., my bad, I forgot,” I said as I rolled my eyes at her.

    “Seriously, Palkia, how could you NOT know who I am?” Milotic smirked as she twirled a piece of her platinum blonde hair.

    “Whatever,” I scoffed.

    Not to be rude but sometimes the way she presents herself comes off as very annoying. She’s always bragging about how beautiful she is and how she is well known. It gets very aggravating and it makes me feel even worse about myself. It makes me feel uglier and worthless by the minute and it’s because I could never be as beautiful or popular as she is.

    “Sorry, Milotic but do you know if Gothitelle is around? I came to see her,” I said while playing with my pen.

    “She’s here, but she’s out back. However, I don’t think she’d mind if there was another visitor…” she replied. “Just follow me in.”

    Another visitor?’ I thought to myself. ‘Who else is here?’ I followed Milotic inside the house, down the long hallway adorned with family and team photos on the walls. At the end, I could see a huge, circular, white dining table in the kitchen area. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could also see the laboratory on the left side. The kitchen itself was rather plain. There were no patterns or color; just plain white and clean spaces. To my right, was the living room which was also as plain and big as the kitchen. Yet more interesting because when others come over, they usually watch TV on the big screen, play video games or play board games.

    Sitting at the table was a cream colored haired young man. He sported parts of his hair in a rather spikey fashion, which bears a resemblance to icicles. He also had a plain light blue sweater and off-white pants. Despite this guy being an ice type, he was relatively tan for this typing. Normally, they would be almost as pale as I was, so it always amazes me as to how he would develop a light color that was almost similar to what Milotic had.

    “Hey, Milotic, what about our battle?” the young man asked as he gave her a smirk.

    “I had to answer the door here,” she said as she smoothed her hair and went over to him. He made some room for her on his seat as she went over and sat right next to him.

    “Oh! Hey Palkia!” he said as he noticed that I was there. “Please, have a seat.”

    I pulled up a chair and sat down, across from the two. Milotic was hanging on the man's arm while leaning on him and he was busy doing something on his P-Phone. Just looking at them, they seemed like a couple, though, they really weren’t. Nonetheless, I waited with my pad and pen, still looking over my notes. However, then I looked at the pair once again, I had an idea. I could ask them for their take on becoming strong. Yes... even Milotic. I think she’s more than just a perfect figure, but also powerful. I mean, Cresselia is a beautiful girl as well and she’s powerful.

    “Hey guys,” I asked. “How do you become so strong?”

    “Well… I don’t know how she becomes strong, but with me, I just practice my powers every day,” he said. "Oh and by the way, Milotic, can you please not hang on my arm?"

    ‘Practice every day…’ I thought to myself as I wrote that down on a clean piece of pad paper. Well I do practice my powers, but not every day. Maybe this could be something I could work on. The more practice I have, the more I can accomplish with my even worthless powers.

    “Well… practicing, yes but if Vanilluxe was right about one thing, it’s that he doesn’t know how I became stronger,” Milotic smirked as she let go of his arm. “Anyway, pageants aren’t just about your looks, but it’s also about your powers. Judges pretty much score you based on the way you carry yourself during a battle.”

    “Wait… you battle… other beauty pageant contestants?” Vanilluxe asked.

    “Yep, we do. I’ve won each and every one of them,” she bragged.

    Wow, even pageant contestants are very powerful, which makes me even more envious. They are beautiful and powerful, two things I could dream of being. Trust me, if I were both, I would be the happiest girl in the world, seriously. Maybe in the future I’d ask Milotic how she got to look the way she does.

    “I see. Anyway, what about your battle? Maybe I could get some inspiration from your brawl,” I suggested as I put down my pen.

    “Actually, Palkia that’s great, but I was wondering if you could be our referee for this fight,” Vanilluxe suggested.

    You know, that’s not a bad idea. If I observe their fight, maybe I could get a better understanding of not only how to battle but on how to be stronger. “Sure!” I exclaimed as I stood up with my pad and pen, flipping to a new page.

    They also stood up from their seat as well, distancing themselves about five feet apart. I came a little bit closer to the middle to call the fight. I raised my hand as I started to call it:

    “Ready… set… battle!” I exclaimed.

    As soon as my hand went down, the battle began.

    “I’m gonna get so hard to beat in this battle,” the cream haired man bragged as he licked his lips in a mocking manor.

    “Oh really?” Milotic giggled.

    “Yep,” Vanilluxe chuckled. "Let's get this on!"

    For her first attack, Milotic bent over and blew an endearing kiss at her opponent. She also flashed her piercing blue eyes at him, making sure that, in the moment, they met his piercing gray eyes. It may not seem like much of a strategy, however, Captivate causes the foe of the opposite gender to let their guard down. So in the process, their special attacks get weaker by two stages. When I looked at her foe, it seemed as if he could feel himself getting weaker by the minute. He just stood there, looking at the pretty teenage girl as if he was in love with her.

    Vanilluxe then tore his gaze off the girl and retaliates by using a physical attack. Which was smart on his end because Captivate only lowered his special attack, where as his physical was fine. He used Ice Shard, where his fingers were starting to transform into long dull icicles. He then swiped his hands at his feisty opponent, scratching her face. She doesn’t have a great physical defense, however, the attack didn’t do much damage due to Milotic being a water type and ice type moves are not so effective on those types.

    The blonde haired girl then narrowed her blue eyes as she stuck her right hand right in front of her, trying hard to focus directly on her target. When she did that, she summoned a huge stream of water, from it, so powerful that it knocked her ice type opponent into the table. Hydro Pump was indeed a powerful move. Water type attacks do neutral damage to an ice type; however, since this move’s power was 120, it got rid of more than half his battle energy.

    “Oh yea? Two can play that game!” the agitated young man said as he got up from the ground and dusted himself off.

    He then raised his arms for a few seconds in a high V and then lowered them. Vanilluxe narrowed his eyes as he stared at Milotic hard. All of a sudden, this cold wind picks up from inside the house, wrapping a bit itself around his opponent. I could see a whole mess of snow being carried over by the winds, making itself into a blizzard. As of now, the whole kitchen was covered with about an inch of snow. The wind stopped; however, I could see that Milotic was freezing. I felt bad for her because she as only wearing a bathing suit and having to deal with the snow. Though the Blizzard attack’s power was 120, it left a little bit of energy on her part. Had Milotic not used Captivate on her first turn, she would have been history. Smart thinking.

    “V-v-v-very f-f-f-funny!” she yelled as she was shivering.

    Milotic was so cold, that she couldn’t think of what attack to do next. At any rate, it looked like she’s got him. I mean, Vanilluxe had less of his HP left, and if her next attack was one that could do neutral damage, he’s done for. As she was trying to figure out what to do for her finishing blow, we could hear an angry woman’s voice coming closer to the kitchen.

    “How many times do I have to tell you?” a familiar voice asked as it made its way to where we were standing.

    We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say. She was thin, but she wasn’t pageant thin. She was dressed in black, had a somewhat short black t-shirt on along with black pants with her chained weapon wrapped around her hips as a belt. Her black hair was about mid back length and a small part of it was tied with a white bow. This girl was gorgeous, but she was so intimidating, that all I could do was cower at her presence.

    “I’ve told you many times, not to have battles in the house!” she yelled out in a stern voice.

    “But, I managed to get the Blizzard to only happen in the kitchen,” Vanilluxe said in a voice that sounded like he was aggravated. “I didn’t get any of your machinery.”

    “Still, I’ve said no battles in the house, Vanilluxe. I’ve said it many times but you don’t listen,” she retorted.

    He came closer to the upset female and took her hand. “… and I apologize,” he started to say. “I promise you, Gothitelle that I will clean up ALL the snow from the kitchen.”

    “Hm… very well then. I shall leave you to your devices,” Gothitelle said as she started to leave out the hallway.

    However, before she could do that, I quickly got up from there I was crouching and proceeded to call out to her. “Hey wait!” I called out. I could hear the door opening and closing, however, I was a bit too excited about the events to check out who it was.

    She turned around and looked me right in the eye. “What can I do for you, Palkia?”

    “I need your advice. You see, I’m on a personal mission to ask all the Pokemon in the top five how they become stronger. I’ve already asked one of them, so my next stop was you since I already have Dialga,” I replied as I put my notes on the table.

    “Well Palkia I can guide you, as long as you know that the journey is yours to take. Right now, I have to finish up my work but when I come back, I will help you,” Gothitelle said as she shook her head and left.

    All I could do is smile, because now I’ll be able to get some information from one of the greatest fighters of all time. I began to collect all kinds of questions in my mind. Such as: how do you become so strong? Or, what are the best powers to have? Maybe, an important one would be: as a girl, how did you get to be stronger than most of the guys? So many questions in my head, but, seeing that Gothitelle is a very important and busy woman, I won’t bombard her with my childish questions.

    "So, anyone want to help an old coot clean up some snow?" Vanilluxe asked as he got out a shovel.

    I’ll think if smart questions to ask her, after I help Vanilluxe and Milotic clean up the snow.
    Last edited by はるひ; 16th April 2012 at 1:11 AM.
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  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Well to be honest, Cresselia is two years older than Palkia however the difference is that Cress doesn’t have much of a family where as Palkia still has hers. So she can’t be considered a full deity. When it comes to school, all Pokemon are different. They are all being taught the basics such as math, reading, PE etc. etc.

    It’s hard to explain to be honest.
    Do you mean that Cresselia was promoted early because there were more goddess positions open for Cresselia than for other species (i.e. a previous Moon Goddess died/retired, and Cresselia inherited her position)? If that’s the case, you explained it adequately enough. Otherwise, let me know if I misinterpreted it.

    Anyway, if this is the case, then work it into the story itself at some point rather than just in the replies. It can help you develop Cresselia’s character. Does she feel especially pressured because she became a goddess at such a young age, and that’s why she takes her frustrations out on Palkia? Does she miss the previous Moon Goddess, assuming she knew the Pokémon who left the goddess slot empty? There are ways you might want to consider using in order to work your explanation into the story.
    Now that you say it, it DOES make sense for her to at least know what space is. It seems like I cannot use the “because she doesn’t wanna” argument a lot can’t I?
    Yep, you will need to have her know what Space is.
    For the list, I’ll explain it in later chapters since there is one Pokemon who made the list and will go into detail about it.
    Good. Since it’s important to the story, it needs to be explored in the story.
    Being teased will make someone do crazy things, especially since this person is one of the main reasons as to why you hate yourself.
    And this is something you portrayed well.
    But she didn’t even take sides, she just asked what was going on…
    I get that much, but since Palkia and Dialga leave the scene, the only side Mrs. Applebee will hear is Cresselia’s. Fleeing the scene prevents Palkia from telling her side of the story and will likely make her side less believable by the teacher when she finally returns to tell it.

    I’m just trying to make sure you understand that there will likely be consequences for leaving before Palkia can tell her side of things.
    She’s human!
    Out of curiosity, why is a human teaching Pokémon? What’s the ratio of humans to Pokémon in human form in this world? Do they usually get along, or are their conflicts?



    It isn’t, in fact, Gothitelle isn’t just respected for her strength but also respected for her wisdom and courage. I say this because well, it’s an example of how power isn’t everything. But to most Pokemon, they think that power makes them more respected. To Palkia, seeing everyone else and Cresselia etc is making her believe that the stronger she is, the more liked she’ll be.
    This is OK, as it shows Palkia’s current way of thinking. But I hope to see her way of thinking evolve as the fic continues.
    Well because knowing Palkia, she wants to be power strong. Tho Dialga doesn’t believe powers are everything, he wants to help his love out, so that’s why the suggestion.
    I meant something more along the lines of: why is “ask the top 5” the first solution that comes to mind?
    It all goes back to Latias and her new Friends, where Latias was fighting with Palkia because she wanted to send her back to Latios? Where Latios was threating Dialga? All because Latias refused to do what he told her to do in an immature way? That scene is stuck in Palkia’s mind.
    Escaping and seeking protection from someone who, by all appearances, wants to harm you and anyone who tries to help you is “immature” now?
    Like I said before tho, I am working on separating disobeying from disrespecting.
    Did you look at my suggestions in a previous post?
    What made you think she was enjoying it? (tho I changed the scene)
    Well, she spoke as though Latias deserved what she got. Keep in mind that this was back when the punishment was Latias being commanded to kneel on the kitchen floor indefinitely rather than a more reasonable punishment like being sent to her room. She “let Latios’s accent flow into her ears” also sort of sounds like she enjoys the sound of Latios’s voice as he’s punishing Latias. She’s enjoying what he’s saying as much as how he says it, and what he was saying was his method of discipline.
    I’m kinda confused on this one. She accepts it from Latios because one, he’s strong and two coming from someone who doesn’t think highly of some girls out there and plus Latios doesn’t like Palkia, yet he’s learning to respect her. She also accepts it from Dialga as well.
    It just seemed like earlier, when Dialga tried to get her to learn her own power, she rejected the idea that she could be strong because her powers were “useless.” That’s where I got that she didn’t believe it when coming from Dialga.
    On to the chapter, then.
    During my long walk from Latios’ house, I finally came across the laboratory. From a distance, it looked like a huge white one story building, with gates built around it on the sides. However, it had no gate on the front of the building. In the front, it looked like an ordinary home, but inside, it was a different story. Believe me, it was almost like a mansion adorned with machinery. It was pretty huge alright and it also had a battle school in the back if I remembered the last time I visited.
    There should be a comma between huge and white, as these are a series of descriptive words.

    Do you mean “if I remembered correctly from the last time I visited”?
    As I walked up to the door and knocked, I was thinking of the many things Latios was saying to me. I felt flattered that he felt that I could be strong and that I had potential, but to never be in the top ten saddens me. Mainly because that was one of my goals for when I became stronger; secure a place amongst the top ten strongest Pokemon. Problem is that there was truth to what Latios told me. Most of everyone on the top ten was male. There were only three females on the list; and two of them were much respected females to boot. One of them, well I should say two; I’m waiting to ask right about now. Also, maybe I could talk to the other League members.
    the bolded “was saying” might work better as “had said.”

    In your revised list, Palkia was already number 12, I believe. Isn’t that already pretty close to the top 10?
    I stood there, just reading over my notes I jotted down from Latios until, the door started to open. I looked, and there stood this girl, a tall girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin and was sporting a blue bikini. This girl looked a lot like Cresselia; however this girl happened to be prettier. Her back length blonde hair, which was curly, was lighter and so was her tan to a point that it looked perfect. She was also taller as well, model tall to be exact. In fact, while looking at this girl, I swore I’ve seen her on a cover of Teen Pokemon, where she posed with Giratina, the young one.
    You don’t need the comma between “until” and “the.”

    Why is Milotic wearing a bikini?
    Bingo! That’s the one; this is the girl who posed with Giratina on the Teen Pokemon cover. Man, you have to be pretty darn good looking to be in that magazine let alone be on the cover. Not only that, but this girl had been trying to get with the love of my life before, even when I was right there. She eventually stopped but now she’s after other men, using her fem charm and her body. Which to say, I envy so much. I wish that could be me, with the perfect figure, getting all the guys’ attention.
    Ummm….
    ….
    ………..

    Here we go again with the emphasis on being attractive to males being what defines a female Pokémon’s worth. Please, please, try to expand Palkia’s worldview beyond this rather limited aspect. There is so much more to a character than whether or not she’s good at attracting a mate.
    Not to be rude but sometimes the way she presents herself comes off as very annoying. She’s always bragging about how beautiful she is and how she is well known. It gets very aggravating and it makes me feel even worse about myself. It makes me feel uglier and worthless by the minute and it’s because I could never be as beautiful or popular as she is.
    I think you need a “more” between “and” and “worthless.”

    What’s aggravating me at the moment is the fact that Palkia bases “worth” on beauty and popularity. These are not what makes a person worthy. Please, Palkia, grow out of this . . .
    To my right, was the living room which was also as plain and big as the kitchen. Yet more interesting because when others come over, they usually watch TV on the big screen, play video games, or play board games
    Maybe add “that room/the living room was” after yet, as this will add a subject to the sentence. The comma between over and they is unneeded. The plainness of the room helps describe Gothitelle’s personality by letting the reader know she likes to keep the place uncluttered. Good use of description like this can help you establish Palkia’s personality as well if you give her her own space (instead of just having only Dialga’s stuff in their shared house).
    Sitting at the table was a cream colored haired young man. He sported parts of his hair in a rather spikey fashion, which bears a resemblance to icicles. He also had a plain light blue sweater and off-white pants. Despite this guy being an ice type, he was relatively tan for this typing. Normally, they would be almost as pale as I was, so it always amazes me as to how he would develop a light color that was almost similar to what Milotic had.
    Mostly just tense issues here.
    “I had to answer the door here,” she said seductively as she went over to him and proceeded to sit on his lap.
    Oh! Hey Palkia!” he said as he noticed that I was there. “Please, have a seat.”

    I pulled up a chair and sat down, across from the two. Just looking at them, they seemed like a couple, though, they really weren’t.
    If they’re not a couple, what does Milotic’s speaking seductively and sitting in his lap have to do with his request for a battle?
    Nonetheless, I waited with my pad and pen, still looking over my notes. However, then I looked at the pair once again, I had an idea. I could ask them for their take on becoming strong. Yes... even Milotic. I think she’s more than just a perfect figure, but also powerful. I mean, Cresselia is a beautiful girl as well and she’s powerful.
    Again with Palkia associating strength with beauty. Having one “positive” quality does not automatically grant others. There is also so much more to a person than these two traits . . .
    Well I do practice my powers, but not every day. Maybe this could be something I could work on. The more practice I have, the more I can accomplish with my even worthless powers.
    She practices with her own powers now? Good, but since when? The first chapter implied that she didn’t know how to use them at all.
    “Well… practicing, yes but if Vanilluxe was right about one thing, it’s that he doesn’t know how I became stronger,” Milotic smirked. “Anyway, pageants aren’t just about your looks, but it’s also about your powers. Judges pretty much score you based on the way you carry yourself during a battle.”

    “Wait… you battle… other beauty pageant contestants?” Vanilluxe asked.

    “Yep, we do. I’ve won each and every one of them,” she bragged.
    Are their pageants based on the “Contests” of the anime, then? Also, if the pageants are a common event, why don’t Palkia and Vanilluxe know battling is a part of it?
    Wow, even pageant contestants are very powerful, which makes me even more envious. They are beautiful and powerful, two things I could dream of being. Trust me, if I were both, I would be the happiest girl in the world, seriously. Maybe in the future I’d ask Milotic how she got to look the way she does.
    Genetics. That, or a lot of Dry Poffins.

    Which raises the question, do Pokémon in human form evolve? Was Milotic a Feebas before?

    Anyway, how long should I expect this story to last before Palkia starts aspiring to be something more than a beauty queen who can battle well?
    You know, that’s not a bad idea. If I observe their fight, maybe I could get a better understanding of not only how to battle but of how to be stronger. “Sure!” I exclaimed as I stood up with my pad and pen, flipping to a new page.
    Tense issues.
    Vanilluxe vs. Milotic
    Do you need to announce the battle like this? Just curious, as it seems as though unless Palkia’s actually saying this aloud, it’s a little unnecessary to include it as we already know the two are battling.
    For her first attack, Milotic bent over and blew an endearing kiss at her opponent. She also flashed her piercing blue eyes at him, making sure that, in the moment, they met his piercing gray eyes. It may not seem like much of a strategy, however, Captivate causes the foe of the opposite gender to let their guard down. So in the process, their special attacks get weaker by two stages. When I looked at her foe, it seemed as if he could feel himself getting weaker by the minute. He just stood there, looking at the pretty teenage girl as if he was in love with her.

    Vanilluxe then tore his gaze off the girl and retaliates by using a physical attack. Which was smart on his end because Captivate only lowered his special attack, whereas his physical was fine. He used Ice Punch, which his right fist turned into a big block of ice as he swung with all his might, at his feisty opponent. She doesn’t have a great physical defense, however, the attack didn’t do much damage due to Milotic being a water type and ice type moves are not so effective on those types.
    Tense issues, and the first “Which” might be better as “this.” The second bolded which should probably be an “and”. Drop the bold comma.
    The blonde haired girl then narrowed her blue eyes as she stuck her right hand right in front of her, trying hard to focus directly on her target. When she did that, she summoned a huge stream of water, from it, so powerful that it knocked her ice type opponent into the table. Hydro Pump was indeed a powerful move. Water type attacks do neutral damage to an ice type; however, since this move’s power was 120, it got rid of more than half his battle energy.
    I think you should drop the commas around “from it.”
    He then raised his arms for a few seconds in a high V and then lowered them. Vanilluxe narrowed his eyes as he stared at Milotic hard. All of a sudden, this cold wind picks up from inside the house, wrapping a bit itself around his opponent. I could see a whole mess of snow being carried over by the winds, making itself into a blizzard. As of now, the whole kitchen was covered with about an inch of snow. The wind stopped; however, I could see that Milotic was freezing. I felt bad for her because she as only wearing a bathing suit and having to deal with the snow. Though the Blizzard attack’s power was 120, it left a little bit of energy on her part. Had Milotic not used Captivate on her first turn, she would have been history. Smart thinking.
    ”When the wind stopped, however, I could see . . .” or “The wind stopped, however, and I could see…” might be better.

    Again, why is she only wearing a bikini in the first place?
    Milotic was so cold, that she couldn’t think of what attack to do next. At any rate, it looked like she’s got him. I mean, Vanilluxe had less of his HP left, and if her next attack was one that could do neutral damage, he’s done for. As she was trying to figure out what to do for her finishing blow, we could hear an angry woman’s voice coming closer to the kitchen.
    You don’t need the bold comma.
    Battle abruptly ends!
    Again, this isn’t really doing much for the story as we can tell that the battle abruptly ends without it being directly stated.
    We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say. She was thin, but she wasn’t pageant thin. She was dressed in black, had a somewhat short black t-shirt on along with black pants with her chained weapon wrapped around her hips as a belt. Her black hair was about mid back length and a small part of it was tied with a white bow. This girl was gorgeous, but she was so intimidating, that all I could do was cower at her presence.
    You introduced Gothitelle as an adult woman. Girl implies a child. Stick with woman (and does every female character who is strong also have to be described as pretty?).
    However, before she could do that, I quickly got up from there I was crouching and proceeded to call out to her. “Hey wait!” I called out. I could hear the door opening and closing, however, I was a bit too excited about the events to check out who it was.
    The bolded is repetitive, maybe change the latter to “shouted” or “yelled”?
    All I could do is smile, because now I’ll be able to get some information from one of the greatest fighters of all time. I began to collect all kinds of questions in my mind. Such as: how do you become so strong? Or, what are the best powers to have? Maybe, an important one would be: as a girl, how did you get to be stronger than most of the guys? So many questions in my head, but, seeing that Gothitelle is a very important and busy woman, I won’t bombard her with my childish questions.

    I’ll think if smart questions to ask her, after I help Vanilluxe and Milotic clean up the snow.
    If should be of.

    I’m concerned with the idea that all of the powerful women also have to be good looking. People in real life have varied strengths and weaknesses, and beauty and strength are not the only qualities one can possess. The battle itself was interesting, though, as you kept up a good, fast pace for the fighters.
    Last edited by Ememew; 22nd February 2012 at 8:35 PM.

  19. #19

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    It's been sometime since I posted but I have another part to the story, Been busy focusing on the games and where this story is going to go. This chapter has a discussion about the Latios incident so I think I'm supposed to warn you that they are talking about Latios' not so high approval of girls

    Wow, if I thought that cleaning up all that snow was easy… I was dead wrong. There was over an inch of snow in this rather small kitchen and picking it up was very hard work. I sat at the table, exhausted and out of breath as I tried to reach for my notes. However, they weren’t on the table at all. I frantically scanned the top of the table and rummaging through papers for my note pad, but there was no cigar.

    “Where’s my notes?!” I whined as I almost started to cry.

    Those notes were very important to not only my mission but to my self-confidence. They had everything I’ve jotted down so far from Latios and I’m going to need to study them along other notes I’d write in the future. In short, I need them to become stronger. When I realized that the key to my path to self-confidence could be missing, I started to cry. However, that was interrupted abruptly by a hand clamping on my arm. A rather chilly hand to be exact. Though, I didn’t really have a weakness to ice, it was so cold that I was trying to hard not to twitch.

    “Palkia, seriously?” Vanilluxe said in a stern voice.

    I looked up at him as he was narrowing his piercing gray eyes at me. From the expression he had on his face, he wasn’t all too happy with me. As I looked into his eyes, I felt myself shaking not only out of fear, but from the coldness of his hand. I tried to wiggle my arm from his grasp but he was just too strong to the point where I couldn’t even twist my arm around.

    “Now, I will tell you that I do NOT tolerate people whining. Alright? Now, think of where on the table you last had your notes. I think maybe they fell down,” he suggested as he took his hand off my arm.

    Following that, I got up from my seat and knelt to get a better look from under the table. So far, there was nothing, not even dust was around. I crawled under the table to see if there was any place else it would have fallen. I stretched out my arm and felt underneath the table to see if I could feel my note pad. I need those notes, I thought to myself as I kept feeling around for them. Then, I could feel a light tap on my shoulder.

    In shock, I quickly got up from under the table and turned around. I saw a young girl, standing there behind me, with my note pad in her hand. However, this wasn’t just any little girl. When I looked up at her, I could see Gothitelle. Except for the fact that she had longer hair and wore a light black trench coat dress and wore bow ties on her neck, along her dress and both wrists, she looked just like her. I got up from where I was kneeling and reached for my pad. She gave me my pad and she ran her hand through her hair.

    “Here, Palkia. I saw that you were taking notes on how to be stronger, so I was looking at your written page to see if you were getting the right information,” the girl said.

    “T-thanks, but, how did you know what was my mission?” I asked.

    “You had the names of everyone in the top 5 written on the front sheet and you wrote down ‘ask for ideas on how to be strong’. So that’s how I knew,” she replied. “Also I saw that you crossed off Latios’ name on your page. So I took it as you already spoke to him since I saw you had a whole page written with stuff he said to you.”

    Man this girl is smart. Yes it was true, I wrote down their names so that I could remember everyone I was supposed to talk to. I also wanted to keep track, as I said before, of everything that they say to me so that I could look them over and study them. The more I study them the more I could take in the advice given to me an act on it, to make myself and my powers better.

    When I opened my note pad, however, I saw that a page was ripped out. An important page to be exact, this was the one where I’ve written my notes from Latios. And now that it’s missing, I start to panic. However, careful not to whine again and annoy a certain ice type Pokemon, I turned to him and the girl and there, I saw that he was holding the ripped page. As he was scanning the page, he looked up at me and raised his eyebrow at me and then looked down to keep reading the page.

    “Sorry Palkia, I saw your notes from Latios and I didn’t like what I read, so my dad’s reading it,” the girl said as she looked up at Vanilluxe reading the page.

    He then folded the page in half and handed it over to the young girl as he whispered some things to her. As soon she walked away with my page, I quickly got up and tried to run after her. However, I felt, once again, Vanilluxe’s cold hand clamping on my wrist. He was trying to keep me from either going into certain parts of the house or chasing after her. Either way, my frustration has gone up quite a bit. This little girl has taken off with my important notes, notes I need to become stronger.

    “Sit back down, Palkia,” he said in a stern voice.

    “But she has my notes!” I yelled as I tried to break free from his grasp.

    “Sit. Back. Down. I will explain it as soon as you do that,” he said in a more agitated tone.

    Hearing that he was going to explain, I did what he said and sat back down on my chair. I was trying to fight back tears as I was waiting for him to tell me. What if this girl doesn’t return my page? What is she going to do with it? Those were the questions that were running through my mind at the moment. I was very confused, and so was Milotic as she just sat there in her own chair looking around.

    “Now Palkia, I know you’re confused and frustrated, but, I’ve told Gothorita to take the paper to Gothitelle so that she could get a read on it, alright?” Vanilluxe said as he was trying to explain everything to me.

    “I understand, but why didn’t she like my notes?” I asked.

    I was puzzled as to why Gothorita didn’t like what she read. I mean, I made sure to listen to Latios as he spoke to me. Maybe I said something wrong or maybe there was a detail he left out. But for whatever reason, I sat there, confused. Latios is a very intelligent man and I think what he says has truth to it.

    “So… you talked to Latios?” Milotic asked.

    “Yes I did, before I came here. Some drama here and there but I got what I needed from him. Plus he told me that I had potential,” I answered.

    “Lucky you! He doesn’t like me at all,” she laughed. “Anyway, I’m sorry, go on.”

    Vanilluxe got up from his original seat and proceeded to sit in the seat that was on the left side of the table from where I was sitting. Close to me and across from Milotic.

    “Now Palkia, after reading those notes of yours, I was pissed to be honest. Not at you, but at Latios. Not only did Gothorita didn’t like what she read, but neither did I. I want to tell you that as a man, your gender has no bearing on how strong you can be. You can be as strong as any man if you believe you can. In fact, I’m male and I have two girls who are stronger than me! My own wife and daughter, can you believe it?” he started to chuckle towards the end.

    “It is weird that a seven year old could out match a twenty-six year old,” I laughed.

    “Now then, I would take everything Latios says to you with a grain of salt. I say that because you know that Latios doesn’t think highly of girls, right? Hell, he doesn’t think highly of his own girlfriend. Like you, he tells her that she has potential, but what it really means is that you have potential to be strong but not as strong as a man. He’ll challenge you to battle when you become stronger, but only because he’s super confident he could beat you. How do I know? Because he’s told Gothorita the same thing some time ago.

    He told her that she had potential to be stronger while she was training herself and asked her to battle him when she was strong enough, although she was. So being the strong little girl she was, she challenged him at that very moment. He was hesitant because one she was a girl and two she was very young. But after insisting, he agreed to battle her. Guess what? She kicked his butt, and he was pissed,” Vanilluxe said as he was telling his story.

    I would understand why Latios would be upset. To be male and lose to a girl is embarrassing, but to lose to a seven year old girl who’s more than half your height, what would be enough to not show my face. Especially since if I was very strong. I could sympathize with him on a level but he would have to get over it. In fact, maybe that’s the reason as to why when I brought up Gothitelle and Gothorita in our conversation, he dodged it. He was too embarrassed to admit that two girls were more competent than he was.

    “I could understand, but he would have to get over it. He’s still a man,” I replied.

    “To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man. I hate to toot my own horn, but at least I am secure in myself to get over the fact that my wife and daughter are stronger and better battlers than me and not let it bother me. Being a better battler does not reflect what kind of person I am. Or a better example would be Gallade and Charizard. Those guys aren’t the strongest guys out there. In fact, if I remembered correctly, you are higher on the list than they are. However, they know that it has no bearing as to who they are as Pokemon,” he explained.

    That is true. There are some Pokemon who don’t care about their placement on the list because they don’t let it define them. Heck, there are Pokemon who don’t even want to be on the list because of that reason. They don’t want to be judged or hurt by their placement and that’s okay to. For me, personally, I look at is as progress. Am I getting stronger to a point where I could move up a spot? Would I have people asking me to battle them? If that happened, I would be happy.

    “I don’t want to take away from my wife’s future advice but my point to you is that I think you should inspire to be something more than just someone who can battle well competitively. And if someone says something like what Latios told you, question it. It shows strength mentally to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I respect him as a competitive battler because he gets me going, however, as a person I don’t like him. He can be a better Pokemon, but he needs to be secure in himself. So do you, Palkia. You can be strong if you believe you can,” Vanilluxe concluded.

    Yes, Latios is still stronger however hearing everything I’m hearing, I’m starting to wonder about him. However, if I see him, I wouldn’t confront him with this. It isn’t my place to do it. Instead, I just thanked Vanilluxe for taking the time to give me advice.

    “Changing the subject, since Milotic has been left out,” he said as he winked at the blonde haired girl sitting across from him. “If Gothitelle didn’t end the battle, who would have won?”

    “Well, since you only had under half your HP left, Vanilluxe and it was her go at the time, she would have won the battle,” I replied with a smile.

    Milotic sprang from her chair, jumping for joy. “Yes! You got beat by a fourteen year old girl!” she said in sing-song.

    Vanilluxe just smiled at the teenage girl has he stuck is hand out for her to shake it. As they both shook hands, “Great battle!” he exclaimed.

    As we were all laughing along, we could hear the doorbell ring. We all looked at the door, wondering who could be here. Milotic got up from her chair and pranced to the door. I turned back around and just rested my head on the hard surface. All I wanted was to get some advice from Gothitelle at this point and leave. And hope and pray that Gothorita returns with my page. While I was in my train of thought, I could hear a very familiar accent making its way towards where I was sitting. It sounded very annoyed and presumably annoyed at Milotic.

    “We meet again, Palkia!” the voice exclaimed as I felt the pressure of someone touching my shoulder.
    Last edited by はるひ; 16th April 2012 at 1:12 AM.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Wow, if I thought that cleaning up all that snow was easy… I was dead wrong. There was over an inch of snow in this rather small kitchen and picking it up was very hard work. I sat at the table, exhausted and out of breath as I tried to reach for my notes. However, they weren’t on the table at all. I frantically scanned the top of the table and rummaging through papers for my note pad, but there was no cigar.
    Rummaging should be rummaged to keep it past tense.

    The bolded phrase reads a little awkwardly. I think maybe adding a bit “…I thought that cleaning up all that snow was going to be easy . . . .” might help it read better.

    So how did they get rid of the snow exactly? You just say they picked it up. Did they shovel it outside or just melt it and wash it down the kitchen sink? It’s OK as it is, but it might be better with a brief mention of where the snow went.
    Those notes were very important to not only my mission but to my self-confidence. They had everything I’ve jotted down so far from Latios and I’m going to need to study them along other notes I’d write in the future. In short, I need them to become stronger. When I realized that the key to my path to self-confidence could be missing, I started to cry. However, that was interrupted abruptly by a hand clamping on my arm. A rather chilly hand to be exact. Though, I didn’t really have a weakness to ice, it was so cold that I was trying to hard not to twitch.

    “Palkia, seriously?” Vanilluxe said in a stern voice.

    I looked up at him as he was narrowing his piercing gray eyes at me. From the expression he had on his face, he wasn’t all too happy with me. As I looked into his eyes, I felt myself shaking not only out of fear, but from the coldness of his hand. I tried to wiggle my arm from his grasp but he was just too strong to the point where I couldn’t even twist my arm around.

    “Now, I will tell you that I do NOT tolerate people whining. Alright? Now, think of where on the table you last had your notes. I think maybe they fell down,” he suggested as he took his hand off my arm.
    Underlines are tense issues, mostly in the first paragraph of this bit.

    Does Vanilluxe really need to scare Palkia to get her to snap out of it? I can’t really tell if he’s intimidating her on purpose or if she’s making him out as more frightening than he really is because she’s already panicked about the missing notes. What he says to her suggests the latter scenario, but I just want to be clear about what you mean here.
    I need those notes, I thought to myself as I kept feeling around for them. Then, I could feel a light tap on my shoulder.
    This might sound better as “felt.”
    “T-thanks, but, how did you know what was my mission?” I asked.

    “You had the names of everyone in the top 5 written on the front sheet and you wrote down ‘ask for ideas on how to be strong’. So that’s how I knew,” she replied. “Also I saw that you crossed off Latios’ name on your page. So I took it as you already spoke to him since I saw you had a whole page written with stuff he said to you.”

    Man this girl is smart. Yes it was true, I wrote down their names so that I could remember everyone I was supposed to talk to. I also wanted to keep track, as I said before, of everything that they say to me so that I could look them over and study them. The more I study them the more I could take in the advice given to me an act on it, to make myself and my powers better.
    Just a few tense things.

    Also, Gothorita seems to just state the obvious here, since she basically just tells Palkia what she read off the paper. As such, I’m not sure Palkia’s reaction works better as “ooh, smart” or “oh, I should have realized how she knew.” This might be a little nitpicky on my part, though.
    When I opened my note pad, however, I saw that a page was ripped out. An important page to be exact, this was the one where I’ve written my notes from Latios. And now that it’s missing, I start to panic. However, careful not to whine again and annoy a certain ice type Pokemon, I turned to him and the girl and there, I saw that he was holding the ripped page. As he was scanning the page, he looked up at me and raised his eyebrow at me and then looked down to keep reading the page.
    Mostly just a few tense things here. The bolded part seems a little long. It might be better to break that into two sentences somewhere.
    “Sorry Palkia, I saw your notes from Latios and I didn’t like what I read, so my dad’s reading it,” the girl said as she looked up at Vanilluxe reading the page.
    Vanilluxe is Gothorita’s dad? Since you’re dealing with humanoid Pokemon, I guess you could argue that egg-groups don’t matter (since he’s in the mineral group and she and her mom are human-shape, this paring wouldn’t work in-game, but since they’re all humanoid in this I would assume their biology would be similar enough in this universe).

    That said, why was Milotic trying to seduce/flirting with Gothitelle’s husband and sitting in his lap? Especially since Milotic's all of 14 years old.
    He then folded the page in half and handed it over to the young girl as he whispered some things to her. As soon she walked away with my page, I quickly got up and tried to run after her. However, I felt, once again, Vanilluxe’s cold hand clamping on my wrist. He was trying to keep me from either going into certain parts of the house or chasing after her. Either way, my frustration has gone up quite a bit. This little girl has taken off with my important notes, notes I need to become stronger.
    More tense problems.
    Hearing that he was going to explain, I did what he said and sat back down on my chair. I was trying to fight back tears as I was waiting for him to tell me. What if this girl doesn’t return my page? What is she going to do with it? Those were the questions that were running through my mind at the moment. I was very confused, and so was Milotic as she just sat there in her own chair looking around.
    I’m not sure that the bolded part is needed, as the entire story is from Palkia’s point of view the reader already knows that this is what she’s thinking at the time.
    I was puzzled as to why Gothorita didn’t like what she read. I mean, I made sure to listen to Latios as he spoke to me. Maybe I said something wrong or maybe there was a detail he left out. But for whatever reason, I sat there, confused. Latios is a very intelligent man and I think what he says has truth to it.
    More tense issues.

    “So… you talked to Latios?” Milotic asked.

    “Yes I did, before I came here. Some drama here and there but I got what I needed from him. Plus he told me that I had potential,” I answered.

    “Lucky you! He doesn’t like me at all,” she laughed. “Anyway, I’m sorry, go on.”
    Looks like more foreshadowing for future plot-points to me. Again, this is a good thing.
    Vanilluxe got up from his original seat and proceeded to sit in the seat that was on the left side of the table from where I was sitting. Close to me and across from Milotic.
    Since you use the word “seat” “sitting” and “sit” a lot here, it might help to change one of the “seats” (the actual things they’re sitting on) to “chair” (or couch, or whatever) to add some word choice variety.

    “Close to me and across from Milotic” isn’t a sentence on its own. Since it’s a description of the seat, it might be better to chance the period to a comma and make the C lowercase.
    “Now Palkia, after reading those notes of yours, I was pissed to be honest. Not at you, but at Latios. Not only did Gothorita didn’t like what she read, but neither did I. I want to tell you that as a man, your gender has no bearing on how strong you can be. You can be as strong as any man if you believe you can. In fact, I’m male and I have two girls who are stronger than me! My own wife and daughter, can you believe it?” he started to chuckle towards the end.
    The bolded part is awkward. Maybe “not only did Gothorita not like what she read” or “not only did Gothorita dislike . . .” would make it better.
    “It is weird that a seven year old could out match a twenty-six year old,” I laughed.
    So, Vanilluxe was 19 when he and Gothitelle had their daughter? Interesting angle to take. It certainly opens a couple of directions for you to take in characterization, such as how Vanilluxe is dealing with the pressures of parenting at a young age. Out of curiosity, how old is Gothitelle?
    “Now then, I would take everything Latios says to you with a grain of salt. I say that because you know that Latios doesn’t think highly of girls, right? Hell, he doesn’t think highly of his own girlfriend. Like you, he tells her that she has potential, but what it really means is that you have potential to be strong but not as strong as a man. He’ll challenge you to battle when you become stronger, but only because he’s super confident he could beat you. How do I know? Because he’s told Gothorita the same thing some time ago.

    He told her that she had potential to be stronger while she was training herself and asked her to battle him when she was strong enough, although she was. So being the strong little girl she was, she challenged him at that very moment. He was hesitant because one, she was a girl and two, she was very young. But after insisting, he agreed to battle her. Guess what? She kicked his butt, and he was pissed,” Vanilluxe said as he was telling his story.
    The bolded phrase is somewhat redundant. To tell his story, we know he has to say things. Maybe shortening to “Vanilluxe said” or “Vanilluxe told me” would reduce the repetitive nature of the statement.

    In the second paragraph of this part especially, you use the word “strong” quite a lot. Maybe replacing one or two of these with a synonym would help.

    I would understand why Latios would be upset. To be male and lose to a girl is embarrassing,
    I’m going to guess that this is just Palkia, and not you, being unintentionally sexist here because you do show different opinions on the strength between males and females with Vanilluxe’s views on the matter. Do you mean for Palkia to come off as sexist (whether she means to be or not) at this point in the story? Or did you not intend to show her this way? If you want her to be somewhat sexist at this point (i.e. until she learns otherwise), then I guess you could keep it. If you don’t want Palkia to seem that way, then remove this part.
    but to lose to a seven year old girl who’s more than half your height, what would be enough to not show my face. Especially since if I was very strong. I could sympathize with him on a level but he would have to get over it. In fact, maybe that’s the reason as to why when I brought up Gothitelle and Gothorita in our conversation, he dodged it. He was too embarrassed to admit that two girls were more competent than he was.
    The first bolded: I think you mean “that” instead of “what.”

    The second bolded: I think this part could use a little clarification that you mean Latios would be upset because he thought he was strong and was thus even more upset at being beaten. It might help to connect it to the previous sentence with a comma, in that case.
    “To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man. I hate to toot my own horn, but at least I am secure in myself to get over the fact that my wife and daughter are stronger and better battlers than me and not let it bother me. Being a better battler does not reflect what kind of person I am. Or a better example would be Gallade and Charizard. Those guys aren’t the strongest guys out there. In fact, if I remembered correctly, you are higher on the list than they are. However, they know that it has no bearing as to who they are as Pokemon,” he explained.
    I’m probably going to confuse you here, sorry in advance. Remembered should probably be remember (present tense) because he’s speaking in the present while talking to Palkia. I know most tense things so far have been present that should have been past, but because this is dialogue the tense can be different from the narrative around it. In this case, he’s remembering the list in the present tense as he talks. I hope this isn’t confusing.
    That is true. There are some Pokemon who don’t care about their placement on the list because they don’t let it define them. Heck, there are Pokemon who don’t even want to be on the list because of that reason. They don’t want to be judged or hurt by their placement and that’s okay to. For me, personally, I look at is as progress. Am I getting stronger to a point where I could move up a spot? Would I have people asking me to battle them? If that happened, I would be happy.
    To perhaps make it more confusing, now we’re right back to the narrative in which some present tense words need to become past tense. Hope I haven’t confused you with this too much. Let me know if you get it or if I should explain it better.

    The bolded “to” should be “too” (as in also). I think you meant “it” where the bold “is” is.

    The revelation that the list consists of only those who elect to be measured by it helps clarify why Palkia’s comparing herself in strength to even Pokemon like Cresselia that otherwise looked like they didn’t make the list. We still don’t know who made the list, or really why it was made (things coming in future parts, I hope), but this does solve one mystery about it.
    “I don’t want to take away from my wife’s future advice but my point to you is that I think you should inspire to be something more than just someone who can battle well competitively. And if someone says something like what Latios told you, question it. It shows strength mentally to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I respect him as a competitive battler because he gets me going, however, as a person I don’t like him. He can be a better Pokemon, but he needs to be secure in himself. So do you, Palkia. You can be strong if you believe you can,” Vanilluxe concluded.
    ”Inspire” should be “aspire.”

    I must say it’s a breath of fresh air to hear other characters within the story talking about strength as only one measure of a person, and being happy with themselves on a personal level or evaluating others by personality rather than power. It helps show that your characters are more diverse in their thinking. In earlier parts, the audience only heard Palkia, Latios, Cresselia, and even Dialga discussing strength (and sometimes beauty). Because of that, it came off to readers as how you saw the world. By giving us characters with different viewpoints it helps establish that these are the characters’ voices rather than just the author’s and helps expand your PokeVerse beyond power and appearance.

    Yes, Latios is still stronger however hearing everything I’m hearing, I’m starting to wonder about him. However, if I see him, I wouldn’t confront him with this. It isn’t my place to do it. Instead, I just thanked Vanilluxe for taking the time to give me advice.
    It might help to add a comma between stronger and however.
    “Changing the subject, since Milotic has been left out,” he said as he winked at the blonde haired girl sitting across from him. “If Gothitelle didn’t end the battle, who would have won?”

    “Well, since you only had under half your HP left, Vanilluxe and it was her go at the time, she would have won the battle,” I replied with a smile.
    I didn’t mention it in the battle scene before because the pacing was pretty good, but I think your battles could improve if you didn’t treat them like in-game battles with “turns” and base powers being mentioned with every attack. Since this is set in a “real world” setting, fights happen at the battlers’ pace with everyone acting and reacting at once instead of attacking and then waiting for the opponent to get their hit in. Unless for some reason there are rules in place to make real-life battles turn-based, it might be better to drop some of the focus on game mechanics for how fight scenes work.
    As we were all laughing along, we could hear the doorbell ring. We all looked at the door, wondering who could be here. Milotic got up from her chair and pranced to the door. I turned back around and just rested my head on the hard surface. All I wanted was to get some advice from Gothitelle at this point and leave. And hope and pray that Gothorita returns (I suggest “would return” here) with my page. While I was in my train of thought, I could hear a very familiar accent making its way towards where I was sitting. It sounded very annoyed and presumably annoyed at Milotic.

    “We meet again, Palkia!” the voice exclaimed as I felt the pressure of someone touching my shoulder.
    More tenses. So Latios has shown up again. Things could get interesting .
    Last edited by Ememew; 13th March 2012 at 8:35 AM.

  21. #21

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    Deleted reply cuz I worked it out on PM and also because I wanted to ask a question;

    When I said this line:
    We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say.
    I know i said woman when introducing Gothitelle at first but doesn't girl imply the same thing, that she's female? Like when I introduced Vanilluxe I said he was a young man but then I went into "man" on another line which I am confused on that one. Arent people in their 20s usually young? I am but I'm still a kid
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    Deleted reply cuz I worked it out on PM and also because I wanted to ask a question;

    When I said this line:

    I know i said woman when introducing Gothitelle at first but doesn't girl imply the same thing, that she's female? Like when I introduced Vanilluxe I said he was a young man but then I went into "man" on another line which I am confused on that one. Arent people in their 20s usually young? I am but I'm still a kid
    The difference is that "woman" means "adult female" and "girl" means "female child," the same way "man" and "boy" work for males. If you want to show that she's young (in her 20s), then just use "young woman" the same way you used "young man" (rather than boy) for Vanilluxe.

  23. #23

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    I thought "girl" worked the same way as "guy"
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I thought "girl" worked the same way as "guy"
    It can, but in many cases it can be considered akin to (intentionally or not) calling an adult childish or immature and taking away respect for her as a grown woman. "Gal" or "lady" might work better if you're looking for a synonym for female person that doesn't take age/maturity into account.

    Or, just look at what you wrote here. These are Vanilluxe's words to describe what "man" means in terms of adulthood and maturity when talking to Palkia:
    “To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man . . .
    Based on everything else you've written here, I assume you don't mean to imply Gothitelle is "female, but too immature to be considered a woman." Unfortunately, this is what you do by using the term "girl" to describe a full grown woman.
    Last edited by Ememew; 19th March 2012 at 2:18 AM.

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    I like the overall story, though the telling is a mix of past and present tense, which i find confusing (unless the time gems allow this to happen...). Also, the constant references to her own self-confidence are awkward and cringy. It isn't something one would normally draw attention to, much less something one would emphasise constantly. I'll add more bits later, when I'm back at a computer.
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