Been a while since I've posted something Pokemon related, so I figured a One-Shot would be a nice change of pace. Not much else to say, though, so I hope you enjoy it.
Just a Dog
My name’s Rosco. I’m just a dog. No, not one of those amazing Pokémon that everyone fawns over and over about. Just a dog.
I can’t breathe fire, I can’t shoot lightning, and I can’t leap twenty feet into the air. I can barely leap two. But I can play dead – though, no one cares if I play dead. They’d much rather watch a Gengar hypnotize someone or a Charizard melt a kid’s brains off.
That’s stupid. And dangerous. At least playing dead doesn’t cause any fatalities. Those Pokémon usually end up on the TV for the stupidest reasons. “Ooooh, look at me, I’m a Pikachu, I have a lightning bolt for a tail and can shock ya to death. I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooo awesome. Let me show you all the stupid tricks I can do while I roast your toaster and your lamp and your computer and, while I’m at it, you’re goddam TV!”
There’s one thing that dogs have over Pokémon any day; dogs never change. Pokémon think they’re so cool ‘cause they can ‘evolve’ and turn from some stupid fish into a huge demonic serpent. Well – guess what – that fish tank you used to live in isn’t big enough for ya anymore, so you hafta live outside, while us dogs stay inside and stay nice and warm.
Forgot about those.
Well, let me you about Pokéballs, or should I say, spherical prisons. Yeah, that’s exactly what they are. They trap you in them so they can ignore you indefinitely, and you don’t have a choice but to stay inside. Then they transfer you into that goddam PC, which eventually gets roasted by a stupid Pikachu. Then its bye-bye for Butterfree.
Haha, Butterfree. Talk about a stupid-looking Pokémon. There’s so many stupid looking Pokémon. I mean, look at Voltorb. It’s a freakin’ ball! A freakin’ ball that looks like a freakin’ Pokéball. So that means it’s twice as stupid as it was before.
Oh, and guess what, this is the best part – when Voltorb evolves, it turns into an UP-SIDE DOWN Pokéball! Seriously, this is what natural selection chose to survive? Why not a wolf, like my cousin.
Oh boy, my cousin. He’s all jealous of those Mightyena ‘cause they have all this oh-so-amazing Pokémon powers that normal animals don’t have. IT’S A FREAKIN’ HYENA ON STERIODS! Nothing more! They can’t do anything that a normal dog couldn’t!
It can breathe fire?
… you know what. Why do I bother? Pokémon are clearly so much better than us normal animals that they should just dominate the whole goddam world. A Pokémon World!
The thing I hate the most is how people freakin’ obsess over these freakin’ Pokémon. Then they have them cockfight to the death, and the Pokémon just roll with it! WHAT THE HELL! If I did that, I’d be tested for rabies and confined in my cage for the next twenty years.
But Pokémon are special. In fact, they’re so special that they have their own *mythological deities* that rule over the others. Have you ever heard of a griffin? No? Of course not – no one likes to hear about all the cool mythological animals, it’s only the Pokémon they care about.
What if I told you that griffins are part human?
People have no respect these days. But they respect Pokémon, ‘cause Pokémon deserve respect ‘cause they can harness the elements when man can also do the exact same thing with handsanitizer and steamrollers. That makes perfect sense!
Now what if I told you that Pokémon were secretly acting against you – that they only pretended to be loyal so they could get your guard down. When the time is right they’re gonna pounce on you, enslave you and your family, and turn your house into a playground for all of their Pokémon friends.
Dogs would never do that.
The worst we would do is poop on your lawn.
Then, when all of the humans are enslaved, the *mythological Pokémon deities* are gonna show up and, next thing you know, people are gonna be bowing to a goddam goat. Not a normal goat. No, of course not. It’s gonna be a Pokémon goat. One that can shoot laser beams from ten-thousand feet away. So no matter how far you run, you’re gonna get fried.
By a freakin’ goat.
So while you’re all enslaved and whatnot, I’m gonna be playing fetch with my wolf-cousin. Then afterward, we’re gonna go digging. I beat you’re jealous now. I’m free to do whatever I want ‘cause dogs aren’t stupid. They don’t fall for all the stupid Pokémon tricks that humans do. Sure, they get distracted by a stray ball, doesn’t everybody?
But noooooooo. My Pokemon wouldn’t do that do me. My Pokemon are my frieennnnds. We’re gonna train to be the best and become the Champions of the region, and the next region, and the next region, and the next region – IT’S A GODDAM LIEE!!
They’re gonna force to travel thousands and thousands of miles to collect all their Pokemon buddies together, only to attack you once they grow strong enough to take you down on their own. Hell, they could just destroy you at that moment, but they decide against it ‘cause they figure it’ll be easier to enslave more humans quickly if they’re in larger groups. And you humans fall for it.
We aren’t falling for it. We have superior instincts, we can smell their plots from miles away, and we know that you don’t stand a chance. But of course, you don’t listen to me. You’re just a dumb human.
And I’m just a dog.