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Thread: Hero's Bond [PG 13]

  1. #26
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    Since you were kind enough to drop in on Tempest for me, here I am to repay the review! It's only the proper thing to do, after all. I'll skip Chapter 1 since Psychic covered anything and everything I could ever possibly come up with, and move on to Chapter 2. SInce I'm reviewing as I go, I ay vey well comment on things that you resolve in the next chapter. Done that once or twice. Ah, the joys of dual computer screens!

    Oh, before I do that, I notice you're putting chapters out on two day rotations. Most things I read discourage that, as it bogs new reviewers down much more quickly and looks intimidating to someone coming into the story. You're way to do things, just passing along what I've heard.

    CH2
    I must admit, Cyndy is showing more character than Jayden is right now, ad getting more exxpression out of just her little actions than Jayden is getting with dialogue. He's got a little bit, but he gets overpowered too easily by the others in the story, ad they're not all that strong either.

    The owl fell to the ground, stunned. Quickly getting back into the air, Hoothoot flew off, a sad look on its face.
    Poor Hoothoot, I think it was looking for a friend, instead it got a rock...

    A figure jumped out of the bushes to his left, causing him to jump.
    Action repetition. I see a lot of people do this. We'll see if you do, but the better word would probably be "startling him".

    “Heh, only you would manage something like that. Remember that time you had the one ticket that would win you backstage passes to the Jolteon’s concert, but you gave it away saying you would never win?”

    “Don’t remind me! That was a long time ago anyway!”

    Kaylie scratched the side of her face. “That was last week…”
    Hmm, I've heard that joke before somewhere. I must admit, this kinda feels like trivial trivia, I already understand Jyden is a PKMN world incarnate of Charlie Brown...

    Walking the rest of the way with Kaylie made Jayden feel slightly better even if he didn’t come to a full decision about his career yet.
    Slight run on there, consider a comma after better. It's not a full partial stop to warrant a semicolon, but it needs a break somewhere.

    “Height, about 5’ 10”. Weight, around 120 lbs,” Jayden whispered to himself.
    Alright, this is the second fic in 24hours that I've read that uses a trainer sign up sheet as an info dump for height and weight, which means very little to me. Did I miss a memo somewhere? Should I have done something? Should be concerned that I'm only fifteen pounds heavier than a ten year old, and twice his age?

    The Pokemon center descriptor felt too mechanical to me, and I'm not sure why Jayden would be able to actually see the infirmay from the front entrace. To each there own, but in almost all cases the medical side is not visible from the hostel side of things.

    CH3
    Battle scene, pretty good. I'm not a fan of relying on the trainer to dodge, that part should be second nature to Pokemon and animals in general, unless the trainer specifically expresses a strategy to absorb the hit or ake the opponent out.

    “Good idea. Cyndaquil dodge it!” Jayden shouted when he saw Ledyba closing in for another Tackle. Cyndaquil jumped over Ledyba, spinning as she descended. “Now hit it with Ember!”

    Cyndaquil opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Shocked, Cyndaquil shook it off and tackled Ledyba from behind instead.
    I'm agreeing with Typhlosion, this is too mechanical for a real world. if a small creature has a fire on its back naturally, spitting fire should be second nature. Stoking it, fopcusing it into something like Flamethrower or Frieblast I can see, and certainly skill would be needed to pull off Flamewheel or Fire Spin, but simply spitting fire?

    “You can stay with me,” a shaky voice said from behind the two.

    Both of the teenagers quickly turned around to see an old man smiling. He had no hair on top of his head, but he had a long white beard. His arms were placed behind his back, the long sleeves of his robe covering his hands.
    “Once the moon comes out it looks so much better!”
    Awkward line.

    I always knew she could dance, but who knew she was this good, Jayden thought. As he watched his friend dance his jaw dropped.

    Kaylie then moved to the crowd, bouncing in a way. Jayden thought she had finished, but to his terror she grabbed him and pulled him into the center. Kaylie continued dancing as Jayden looked around. Not wanting to seem like a square in front of at least thirty people Jayden began to improvise. His feet made sliding movements outwards while he bent his head from side to side. To his surprise the crowd began to cheer. With a smile Jayden did the only other dance move he knew. He flopped on the ground and began to make a wave motion with his body.
    Careful, you're getting dangerously close to shacking up the main characters, and that's a very quick way to kill a show or sotry. Just ask Cable Television...

    “Well, I’ll make it a priority to find you if I pass through,” Kaylie said with a smile. “Tonight was really fun.”
    Need a comma after Well there.

    “So then what happened?”

    “I punched Marshall in his face and told him that I didn’t want to go with him. You thought he would have caught on when I told him I didn’t want to the first six times.”
    This is a really odd intro, and it's int eh middle fo the chapter. Stopp trying to hook, you fdon't need to hook a reader in the middle of the chapter, you've already got them.

    “You know I thought you hated me,” Kaylie admitted. “It seemed like you always ignored me.”
    Also a comma after know.

    Persoanl taste, but Lethal P is a large prtion of the dissapointment in my generation. It's cool you're including more culture in your story though.

    Would t be wrong of me though to say that it feels kinda prolonged and draggy?

    Taking a break, I'll be back with CH4
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  2. #27
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    With chapter eight the plot progresses!
    Good work and I'm curious in seeing what happens with Jayden and Co. in the next chapter.
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  3. #28
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    And as the prophecys fortold, I have returned!

    Or sonething like that. Sorry I'm piecemealing through this story and not soing it in one post. But hey, every reply is a bump to youur story, whihc means more people see it and hopefully more people click on it, read, review, etc.

    CH 4 (review)

    they ran into a wild Pokémon named Weedle
    Deep breath, relax. This is fan fiction, be loose. "Wild Weedle" is fine. if the reader doesn't know that a Weedle is a Pokemon, you shouldn't need to tell him. Unless this is a Mystery Dungeon story, or he's got a little red and white sticker that says "Hello, my nsme is... Weedle", saying "Named Weedle" is just odd. For all we know, his name is Friedrich.

    A Poké Ball sailed through the air, hitting a worm like creature right below the giant needle on its head. The Pokémon soon changed from its yellow like color to red, being sucked into the ball. The ball clasped shut once all the energy had been sucked into it. Falling to the ground, the ball shook three times, a red light beeping in the middle. After three shakes the red light flashed once more before a loud PING! sounded.
    Forgoing a comment on your intro to this chapter and the disjointed timing, I'd like to encourage the use of pronouns in lieu of "The Ball this, the Ball that."

    “It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie observed. The two kids pulled out Poké Balls, enlarging them. “They are about to battle! Let’s go over and watch!”
    Keep natural speaking in mind. 95% of people will say "Looks like they're about to battle. They are! Let's go over and watch!". A large percentage of them will even omit the ""over and" for the simpler and quicker "Let's go watch!". You don't need the stage direction of "over there", it's implied by Kaylie's sudden encoragement, and you don't need to repeat what it is thay're about to do in the nxt sentence. It's not formal, but then this also isn't Jolly Ol' England.

    “Go Pidgey,” one of them, a girl, shouted as they threw their Poké Ball.
    Becaause you are specifically quoting the girl, even though they are both drawing their Pokeballs, the spotlight is on her, and therefor plurality should match her, not the group. Thus "shouted as she threw her Poke' Ball". And if you'd really prefer it the other way, then you'd still need an s on the end of Pokeball, as each trainer has one=2

    “It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie observed. The two kids pulled out Poké Balls, enlarging them. “They are about to battle! Let’s go over and watch!”
    This is probably me being anal, but to me, the girl has already drawn her Pokeball, so it seems off to be reading her drawing it again. If you combine those sentences, such as "“It looks like they’re about to battle,” Kaylie had observed the two kids pulling out Poké Balls and enlarging them."

    That's not an ideal sentence structure either, but if it gets you thinking, then woo.

    Also, Kaylie has offically stolen the title to strognest human character. Jayden just feels like what people in the automotive industry refer to as "a speed bump".

    Also, there's no mention of Cyndaquil outside the battle. Makes me sad...

    Once Kaylie and Jayden reached the battle, the blue Pokémon known as Poliwag shot a stream of water out of its small pink mouth. Pidgey flew higher into the air, easily dodging the water. Poliwag ran under Pidgey, firing another stream of water. Unable to dodge, Pidgey was hit, falling back towards the ground.
    Check your word timing. "Once J&K reacehd the battle" implicates that Poliwag waited for them. It didn't, I'm reasonably sure. Something along the lines of "The little blue Pokemon known as Poliwag had shot a srtream of water out of its mouth by the time J&K had reached the battle." might better protray the chronology.

    The Flying type began to flap its wings, slowing its descent to the ground. The bird then began to flap its wings at Poliwag, a small tornado surrounding it. The Water type was bounced around the inside of the tornado, small cries of pain eminanting.
    The Flying type began to flap its wings, slowing its descent to the ground. The bird then began to flap its wings at Poliwag, a small tornado surrounding it.
    Sentences don't have to be so punctual. Let one sentence roll into the next. Here, it read like Pidgey started flapping to stop falling, then stopped flapping, then started flapping at the Poliwag again. "The Small flying type then changed the focus of it's flapping towards it's opponent" for example.

    “That was a great battle,” Kaylie said. “Both Poliwag and Pidgey were great.”

    “Thanks,” the two said in unison.
    This seems a cold introduction to me. Two strrangers show up out of nowhere and all the two battlers say is :thanks"

    “I’ve been battling Stephanie in everything since we were little,” the boy said as he recalled Poliwag, placing his Poké Ball in his green jacket. “I just can’t seem to win.”

    “Are you two related?” Jayden asked, trying to make a joke.

    “…not funny dude,” Stephanie told him. “You wouldn’t believe how many times we get that.”

    “To answer your question we are related. We are Stephanie and Phil Thompson,” the boy introduced them.
    Again, relax your speech. "To answer you're question" would usually be "Yes, actually." Also, you can do without the "We are", and possibly the "them" at the end, though that's more personal preference.

    “Sir, are you sure about this? The world thinks you’re dead.”

    “It’s time we continued where we originally started. We’re going back to Johto and nothing will get in my way this time. That bastard Dimitrios…he will not beat me!”

    “But sir…”

    “If you defy me Doris I will kill you! I let you have control of this syndicate for long enough!”

    “Yes sir…”

    “Enough of this sir bullsh**! You will refer to me by my name. I am A eolus and I will purify this world. I will be the light that purges any that are not worthy! Inform all the other agents. Team Lustrous has been awakened once more!”
    Wo-ho! That's a nice paradigm. Going from "Sweet, sorta loveable" Kaylie and her pet bump-on-a-log to multiple swears is a stark and intriguinging trick. (Please though, don;t do it every chapter...) I must admit that as a personal preference I'm not fond of heavy swaering in the stories (Yes, I know the rating is there, bear with me) but even still, while I understand very clearly that Aeolus is evil, using multiple cursery words like that is a bit of a cop-out way to do it. Let's see him kicking Lilipups or stealing candy from babies, maybe snatching the Oval Stones from Happiny or something. You know, rich, in depth show us the character instead of "Hi, my name is Aeolus. I'm an evil bastard."
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post
    Wo-ho! That's a nice paradigm. Going from "Sweet, sorta loveable" Kaylie and her pet bump-on-a-log to multiple swears is a stark and intriguinging trick. (Please though, don;t do it every chapter...) I must admit that as a personal preference I'm not fond of heavy swaering in the stories (Yes, I know the rating is there, bear with me) but even still, while I understand very clearly that Aeolus is evil, using multiple cursery words like that is a bit of a cop-out way to do it. Let's see him kicking Lilipups or stealing candy from babies, maybe snatching the Oval Stones from Happiny or something. You know, rich, in depth show us the character instead of "Hi, my name is Aeolus. I'm an evil bastard."
    Many, many thanks for the reviews and corrections. I'll work on everything for next chapter. As for Aeolus he doesn't possess a filter. He's not so much evil as he is...misguided, for lack of a better word. Chapter 9 should be out either tomorrow or later today. I'll see what I can do.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  5. #30
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    Very short chapter today, but it's filled with plot to the brim so I feel that it is the right length. Another huge revelation in this chapter! It's subtly shown, but I'm sure you guys will catch it. You guys are smart. The Team Lustrous arc is starting to pick up steam! Soon it will be at full speed! Don't want to miss it! Now enjoy!

    PS. More chapter names have been added. Check those out for ideas of what future chapters will be about! And don't forget to check out the character biographies in the first post!

    EDIT: Added Hope's biography! Don't forget to check that out!

    Chapter 9: Blinding Light

    “Kaylie and I have known each other since we were kids. We weren’t really friends until we got older though.”

    “So do you like her?”

    “Well, she’s cool and all, but I wouldn’t say I like her!”

    “Your red face says you do.”

    After a day of travel, Kaylie, Jayden, and Hope had gone south of Violet City, nearing an abandoned town named the Ruins of Alph. Before setting out for the day, Jayden and Hope had decided to converse, learning more about each other. Kaylie, however, was sitting a few yards away, her backpack already on.

    “I think we should get going,” suggested Hope, standing as she grabbed her bag.

    “You’re right,” Jayden agreed, doing the same. “What’s our next destination?”

    “We need to get to Union Cave,” Hope told him. “It should be southeast from here. Once we get there then we can travel through it and come out to Azalea Town. There’s a gym there so you two can challenge it.”

    “Great,” Kaylie said loudly.

    Storming off, Kaylie said nothing more, not even looking back at the two. Hope and Jayden shrugged their shoulders before following. The route had been drastically different from the last route they took. The trees slowly began to disappear and boulders began to replace them. Even the grass changed from green to a shade of yellow with a grey tinge. One by one the Pokémon diminished before there were none on the route.

    “I wonder what’s bothering the Pokémon,” Hope thought aloud. “The Pokémon on this route are usually plentiful, but now there’s none.”

    A loud crash greeted the trainers when they reached a small house on the side of the road. The glass from the window shattered outwards, shards flying everywhere. The trio hid behind the side of the house, waiting for whatever broke the window to show itself. A young man of maybe twenty was pushed from the house. The boy wore a brown long-sleeved shirt with brown khaki pants. His medium length brown hair covered his face when he hit the ground. His arms and legs had been bounded with rope, preventing him from catching himself. Behind him came a taller man of about the same age. This taller man wore Team Lustrous robes, but a hood covered his head. His blue eyes seemed to pierce through the brown haired boy as he smirked at him.

    “Pick him up,” the Team Lustrous man said as two more people dressed similarly to him came out of the house.

    “I swear I’m going to kill you,” the brown haired boy snarled when he was picked up, shaking the hair out of his face. Hope gasped when she saw his face.

    “Sam, Sam, Sam,” said the Team Lustrous man, “that’s no way to treat someone who saved your life.”

    “Saved?! You didn’t save anyone! You took three years away from him!” Hope shouted, stepping out from behind the house. Jayden attempted to stop her, but the rage inside let her easily shake him off. “You won’t take any time away from him! I will stop you here and now!!”

    “Hope!” Sam gasped. “What are you doing?!”

    “Oh so this is Hope,” the man said, a little interested. “She’s the one you’ve been babbling about? The one that you need to protect?”

    “Leave her alone Alexander!” Sam shouted, trying to break free from the Team Lustrous grunts’ grip.

    The man known as Alexander pulled out a Poké Ball, a malicious grin on his face. Hope pulled out her Poké Ball as well, a small bead of sweat trickling down her forehead. Jayden and Kaylie came out from behind the house as well, both of them holding their own Poké Balls.

    “You two stay out of this,” Hope said, not taking her eyes off Alexander.

    “We can help you,” Jayden told her.

    “I don’t need it. I’m going to save my brother on my own!” Hope threw her Poké Ball, Noctowl bursting forth.

    “I’ll show you the power of Team Lustrous!” Alexander roared as he threw his Poké Ball.

    From Alexander’s Poké Ball came a large dinosaur like creature. Its green hide shined like armor, spikes traveling all the way down its back to the tip of its tail. It let out an intense roar that shook everyone nearby. Kaylie and Jayden looked up at it in fear, their legs shaking. Hope still showed only courage, the Pokémon not intimidating her one bit.

    “Show them Air Slash!” Hope shouted.

    Noctowl flew high into the air, flapping his wings furiously. The wind began to gather in a ball in front of the Flying type. With all his might, Noctowl knocked the ball of air at Alexander’s Pokémon.

    “Tyranitar block it,” Alexander said, laughing a little bit.

    As the ball of air approached him, Tyranitar raised his arm. The air ball dispersed immediately, not doing any damage to him at all. Both Noctowl and Hope were shocked. Noctowl began to gather more wind, launching another ball of air at Tyranitar, but it was blocked again. The Owl Pokémon now became frustrated, launching attack after attack at the Rock type. Instead of blocking, Tyranitar roared at Noctowl, dispersing his attack and knocking him off balance. The owl tumbled backwards, trying to regain balance.

    “Enough toying around,” Alexander moaned. “Tyranitar, use Stone Edge.”

    Stones began to form around Tyranitar, making a small circle. Once they fully formed the stones flew at Noctowl, shooting faster than any of the other trainers could see.

    “Dodge them Noctowl!” cried Hope.

    Swaying from left to right, Noctowl dodged a few of the stones, but the next volley hit him in the wing. Noctowl fell to the ground, unable to fly. Hope watched in horror as Tyranitar walked up to her Pokémon, standing over the large owl. Tyranitar looked down on him, a disgusted look on his face.

    “Now come back Tyranitar,” called Alexander, recalling his Pokémon. “I thank you for letting Tyranitar stretch his legs. He’s been dying to battle.”

    Alexander snapped his fingers and the grunts began to drag Sam away. The boy struggled, calling out to his sister, but she couldn’t hear anything. All she could hear was Noctowl’s groans of pain. All she could see was the contorted face of her Pokémon. Hope fell to her knees, tears falling from her eyes.

    “…H…Hop…HOPE!”

    Suddenly she came back to reality, Jayden holding her shoulders, yelling her name. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out; only tears streamed down her face. Her head hung down in shame as she began to cry, pushing away from Jayden. She started to punch the ground, her sobbing continuing.

    “DAMMIT! I WAS SO CLOSE TO HIM!” she yelled through sobs. “THE FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING! WHY AM I SO WEAK?!”

    Jayden stood over her, his fists clenched. He opened his mouth to say something, but Kaylie placed her hand in front of him. She shook her head, telling him he should stay quiet. Kaylie and Jayden just stood over their new friend as she wept, watching her tears of sorrow splash against the hard ground.

    -----------------------------------------------

    “You think she even suspects it?”

    “Please! You played the part so well I don’t see how she could!”

    Thousands of meters away, Alexander and Sam walked with the latter free from his bondage. The sun had disappeared from the sky, the full moon taking its place. Instead of his shirt and pants, same wore the same robe that Alexander wore.

    “Don’t you think it would be better to tell her I wasn’t kidnapped?” Sam asked. “If we continue like this then she will keep coming after you and possibly interfering with your plans.”

    “There’s no need to worry,” Alexander said, motioning towards a rock. The two sat, looking out over a small lake. A smirk spread across Alexander’s face. “Even if we told her you came of your own free will then she still would have been interfering.”

    “Why do you say that?”

    “Because she’s with my sister. Even with the three of them coming after us I have the power to stop them. I will show them my light!” Alexander looked up at the moon, his blue eyes flashing white.
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 12th March 2012 at 4:05 PM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  6. #31
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    Chapter nine! Short and sweet, just the way I like it...sometimes anyways.

    “Because she’s with my sister. Even with the three of them coming after us I have the power to stop them. I will show them my light!” Alexander looked up at the moon, his blue eyes flashing white
    Wait...this just got so confusing. But, probably safe to assume Kaylie is Alexander's sister...
    Definitely looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work, sir!
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  7. #32
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    Hi. I'm reviewing this for the review exchange thread. Your post said that you were open, so I hope that's all right with you.

    The first thing I noticed that all the characters are relatively the same. They're all excited to start their pokemon journeys and raising pokemon, and that's all I know. Their different goals don't set them apart much. They could be set apart more if you explained why they chose their certain goal, or if you differed how they interacted with each other, how they treat their pokemon (since there's hardly any development on the pokemon's personalities, either), etc. The main character seems a bit different, as he seems rash and rather lost, but other than that, you don't show much about him. This also means that I can't care for the Kaylie/Jayden relationship, because they look to be the same character to me. If they're going to continue, I'd suggest delving into the relationship more along with the individual characters themselves. Why do they fit together as a couple? Do they bring out the best or worst in each other? If so, how? And what -is- the best or worst parts of them? And so on. On the up side, though, I do find it interesting to a see a (potential) couple traveling together, so I'd like to see how that turns out.

    Also, Abra as a beginning pokemon seemed to be an odd choice. The normal 3 starters are chosen because they are easy to raise for beginning trainers. Abra, obviously, seems the opposite, since it can teleport away at any moment, and it attacked the professor. I don't see why Professor Elm would give away a pokemon that attacked him. It also seemed a bit odd that you put the time and effort into introducing exactly 4 trainers and an extra starting pokemon, only to have the other starting trainers disappear after chapter 1. I'm guessing that they'll come back later, but even a short scene introducing their characters a bit more would have been helpful and less awkward.

    Also, as far as dialogue goes, there are some points where you have them sound very informal and refuse to use contractions. It sounds a bit awkward and not like how a teenager would speak, so I'd watch out for that if you want to keep their voices clear.

    Grammar is good for the most part. There's just a few commas missing here and there. I guess my only problem in this area is that you capitalize things like "Bug type" and "Fire Mouse Pokemon," and I don't see a reason for it.

    You provide just enough description to get by most of the time, but at other times there's just not enough, and it's obvious.

    “And what of Aeolus?”

    “There was a trail of blood leading out the door,” Damien told him. “Team Lustrous got to him first.”
    For example, in this part, the man is obviously concerned or curious about Aeolus. I'm assuming he was killed? Yet the man had no reaction to this at all. The lack of reaction could tell me that he's heartless and careless, but I can't be sure, because if he was heartless, why would he ask in the first place? Saying simple things such as "he scoffed/laughed at Damien's response" or "he closed his eyes for a moment, and tried to push past those words to focus on the situation at hand" can go a long way and help enhance your character development and the picture that you paint in the readers' minds.

    “I don’t even know what type of Pokémon this gym uses,” Jayden realized.

    He looked around the room, hoping to find some kind of hint. Standing up, he walked over to the desk, looking over a stack of magazines. On the front was a man of about twenty. His blue hair was medium in length, a fringe covering the right side of his face. The cover read, “Falkner, Violet’s elegant gym leader, shows off Flying type Pokémon!”

    Flying types huh? Jayden thought, his face scrunching. Weedle won’t be of much help. Looks like I’ll have to use Pidgey and Cyndaquil.
    This part also doesn't make sense since Kaylie and Jayden previously had a conversation about the type of pokemon that Falkner uses. I'd watch out for mistakes like this... Re-reading your work before posting or getting a beta would probably help this.

    Now that I got the more negative parts out of the way, I'll just point out some other things I liked:

    Cyndaquil shook her head fiercely. On her back the four red spots that had been present lit up, a fire being produced. Scratching her long milky colored nose, Cyndaquil looked away.

    “I’m sorry,” Jayden apologized, rubbing the back of his head. “I should have been able to tell. The fur on your back is a much lighter blue than a male’s and the cream color of your underside is way prettier.”

    “Cynda!” Cyndaquil said, giving Jayden a smile.
    I found parts like this particularly amusing. Your dialogue is usually interesting and very realistic, which is a plus It can help you flesh out your characters more, which is especially helpful when there's not much to go on outside of the dialogue.

    “I mean…” Kaylie tried to explain, but when she looked up again Jayden already had his eyes shut, sleeping soundly. Kaylie smiled at him, walking over to the bed. Bending near his face she slowly placed her lips on his forehead, softly kissing it. She smiled again as she ran her fingers through his hair. A tear appeared in her eye, sliding down her cheek, hitting the floor quietly. “I mean more than that silly.”
    I don't usually care for romance in fics, but this part was sweet.

    “So…” Jayden started, rubbing the back of his head. “Have a wife, kids?”

    “Yeah,” the man answered, “two kids.”

    “Good, good.” The boy looked around the elevator, whistling so he could break the silence.

    “Is this your first gym battle?” the man asked, coming off just as awkward as Jayden.

    “The first of many.”
    LOL. Very awkward indeed, but amusing.

    Anyway, this is just a review for the first arc. Overall, it needs a lot of improvement, but it has potential, and I'd like to see you use that potential to its fullest. With the fast rate at which you're updating chapters, the second arc will probably be completed soon, so I guess I'll be back soon. Just be careful and mindful of giving readers/reviewers enough time to catch up before piling up too much to read on them.

  8. #33
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    Wonderful, wonderful! Bravo!

    Now that that is over... I think this story may be going too fast. One minute Jayden is getting a pokemon, the next hes battling a gym leader, and before I know it hes chasing a presumably criminal team accross Johto. Normally I want fan fics to speed up, however this is a minor exception. The character bios say none of Kakuna's moves are known, however it used string shot. The shipping is a little too sweet but I can live with it.
    Great job, continue making more! I'll be back!
    Last edited by 3D992; 14th March 2012 at 7:15 AM.
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    White 2

    I used to liek mudkipz, then I took an arrow in the knee. However the arrow turned out to be a seaking. It yelled "F*** yeah" so I screamed "FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!". The seaking's face became that of a troll while mine became forever alone. The situation was super effective.

  9. #34
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    Many many thanks for the reviews! I feel that this story is going to be long and the plot will draw out through most of it. I wanted to try and get to the plot as fast as possible. I'll continue to improve the chapters. I'll look at your story soon diamondpearl. Thanks for the review again! And thanks to you too 3D!

    EDIT: If either of you would like to be added to the PM/VM list then let me know. I'll add you right away. And as for Kakuna, I had written the biography before I wrote the chapter and haven't edited it yet. I will get right on that. Thanks for letting me know.
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 14th March 2012 at 9:22 AM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  10. #35
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    Well, I've been reading from my iphone at work most of the day, but now that I'm back at home with my laptop I'll point out a few things that I noticed.

    Before a loud Ping! Sounded.
    One word does not constitute a period. Make sure you use comma's in the appropriate places.

    One other thing that bothered me about the first chapter, was Jayden's not knowing what he wanted to do with his life. It just seemed a bit lazy to me. In later chapters you explain how his first Gym Battle made him think that competitive training was the way for him to go. Which is good, but at the same time all I was thinking was that he had the better part of the last four years to decide what he wanted to do. I say four years because around age ten is when I feel that most people start thinking outside the box and somewhat thinking about their future.

    “I don’t even know what type of Pokémon this gym uses,” Jayden realized.
    That bit confused me. I looked back and Kaylie told him in Chapter Four that Falkner used flying types.

    I though the Gym Battle between Falkner and Jayden was great. Although, the fact that he didn't know what a Pidgeotto was really messed up my rhythm. I mean, These are people that live side by side everyday with Pokemon. Not that I expect that they should know the exact characteristics of every single one. But as you described, Pidgey's are common, it just seems odd to me that Jayden wouldn't know what its evolution looked like.

    Other than that, I really liked the battle. Well described, and obviously thought out. I had a feeling Weedle would evolve at the end of it, but at the same time, I felt like you slipped into it pretty well. I honestly thought at the start of it that Jayden was going to lose, but when he didn't, I found myself smiling.


    As two of them began to prepare the food the other brought out two glasses filled with milk. “How’s it goin’ Hope? You doin’ well I reckon?”
    I liked her accent quite a bit. I live in the Mid-South and those are the sort of words I hear all the time. For that reason, the waitress stood out more to me than Jayden and Kaylie. Accents and slang always capture my attention. They make you want to learn more about the character because their speech stands out so much more than everyone else's.


    Besides the bits I mentioned, I've really enjoyed reading the chapters you've posted. While it is very remniscent of alot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among alot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story. If you have a PM list, please add me to it. Great job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  11. #36
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    Many thanks sidewinder! I appreciate the review and input! I am also flattered you were reading my fic at work ^^ Anyway, for the sound thing, I like to separate it from the rest of the text with all capital letters and such to show that the noise is very distinct. I'll fix that from now on though. Added to the PM list you shall be. That's my Yoda impression. Was it good? Moving on, chapter 10 should be up before Friday I want to say, but if not then definitely on Friday. sidewinder and I got our banners from the same person Shadow Lucario out!
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  12. #37
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    With this we add more plot! I don't even need to say that anymore. All the chapters in this arc will be plotful! I just made a word...Anyway, I will add more character biographies later on! For now let me know: Jayden, Hope, or Kaylie? Which protagonist is your favorite? Vote now and enjoy!

    Chapter 10: Lost Luster

    “Pidgey, you use Quick Attack and Kakuna, wait until Pidgey is right in front of you to use Harden.”

    Still on the road towards Union Cave, Jayden had decided it best to use his time wisely and get in some training. Both his Pidgey and Kakuna had been out, facing each other. Pidgey quickly flew in Kakuna’s direction, white streaks coming off his wings. Just before the two connected, Kakuna became glossy as a light flashed over him. The bird bounced off, not even leaving a scratch.

    “Great job Kakuna!” Jayden complimented his Pokémon. “You’ve got your timing on Harden perfect.”

    Turning to the two girls, Jayden smiled, trying to get a response from them. They just sat on the ground, heads in their hands, looking at the dirt. Jayden shook his head, kneeling in front of them.

    “Should we get going?” he asked. “We’ve been here for quite a while.”

    The girls said nothing as they stood. Grabbing their bags, they began to walk down the path towards a large mountain. Jayden followed, quickly recalling his Pokémon. The group walked in silence, the two girls looking down at the ground. Jayden looked at them both, unsure of what to say. Finally, after five minutes he broke the silence.

    “You two have been like this for three days. Isn’t it time we cheered up and look towards a bright future?”

    Hope snapped her head towards Jayden, a cold stare looking him over. Without a word they continued walking. Jayden sighed, giving up on getting them to talk. The large mountain they had been walking towards was casting a large shadow over them, blocking the sun from beaming down on them. They looked up in awe at the sheer size of the mountain, the top not visible from where they stood.

    “This is it,” whispered Hope. “We’re at Union Cave. Once we get through here then we’ll be just outside of Azalea Town.”

    “How long will it take?” Kaylie asked.

    “A few days at least,” Hope replied. “Even if we walked all day and night the shortest way through the cave takes four days.”

    “Well then let’s go,” said Jayden, beginning towards the mouth of the cave.

    Entering the cave made nearly all the light vanish. It was hard to see what was in front before their eyes adjusted. The cave’s walls were all covered in water while the ground was completely dry. A few feet into the cave the group heard a stream that wasn’t too far away. The cave had only one walkway, forming a path through the mountain.

    “It won’t be too hard to get out of here,” Jayden said, his voice echoing a little bit.

    “Just you wait,” Hope told him, her voice echoing as well. “You’ll see just how intricate the path gets.”

    Looking to his left, Jayden saw the small stream they heard near the entrance. Small splashes came from it as Pokémon swam up and down it. The stream then continued down the side of the path before going underground, a small walkway above where the stream changed direction. As they walked over the water a fin appeared from out of the water, splashing Jayden in the face.

    “What the hell?” Jayden said surprised, feeling the water on his face. Looking over the edge he saw an orange fish sticking its head out the water. “Hey! You’re the one who splashed me!”

    The Pokémon stuck its tongue out before diving under. Jayden peered over the edge a little more trying to see where the fish went. Looking over a little too much, his foot slipped on the water that hit the ground. In a panic, he reached back and grabbed the first thing he touched; Hope’s arm. Because of the weight difference, Jayden began to pull Hope down with him and by reflex she grabbed the only thing she could; Kaylie’s shirt. Without anything else to grab onto the trainers fell into the stream, being dragged down the water tunnel by the current. After being banged against the walls for a few seconds, all three kids lost consciousness, unable to hold their breath any longer. The little light they had left faded and the darkness enveloped them.

    ---------------------------------------

    “Aeolus sir, are you sure you want to do this?”

    “What have I told you about this sir crap?”

    “I apologize Aeolus, but are you sure you want to start with Unity City?”

    In the middle of a small city outside Union Cave, Aeolus and one of his grunts stood, watching as all the people walked by, a look of disgust on Aeolus’ face. A man brushed up against the Team Lustrous leader and apologized before hurrying off. Aeolus wiped his robes off before revealing a Poké Ball in his hand.

    “This city is right outside of Azalea Town and is their main source for any type of supplies,” Aeolus explained. “With Unity City out of the way, Azalea Town cannot get any supplies to help themselves. The gym leader there will not be able to fight back with everyone else needing attention.”

    “Then why not start in another city that is near a gym leader?” the grunt questioned.

    “Because you don’t know the layout of those cities. Since this is your hometown you’ll be able to point me in any direction I need.”

    “But Aeolus I-”

    Aeolus stared the grunt down, the leader’s eyes beginning to glow red. The grunt backed down immediately, ceasing his argument. Aeolus turned back to the town with a wicked smile, tossing his Poké Ball into the air.

    ---------------------------------------

    Jayden…Jayden over here…It’s your mother…

    Mother…? It can’t be…You’re dead…

    Look at my face…Tell me I’m not your mother…

    “You’re not my mother!” Jayden screamed, sitting up in an instant. Looking around, he saw Hope, Kaylie, and a boy he had never met staring at him confused.

    Hope shook her head before saying, “You have problems man.”

    “I was joking guys, heh, joking,” Jayden said scratching the back of his head. But what was that face I saw? I know it wasn’t my mother’s. She had long blonde hair and Dad always told me Mom was a brunette. Her face didn’t even seem familiar. She looked more like Kaylie than me.

    “The screaming idiot is Jayden,” Kaylie told the boy. “Jayden this is Chad. He’s the one who saved us.”

    “Nice to meet you,” said Chad, holding out his hand.

    “The pleasure is all mine,” Jayden said a little embarrassed, taking his hand.

    “The girls here tell me it was your fault that you guys fell in,” Chad told Jayden.

    “I guess you can say that. This Pokémon splashed me with water and I wanted to get a good look at him.”

    “Well if you exit the cave over there,” Chad pointed behind him to a large opening, moonlight pouring in from outside, “you’ll be right outside Unity City. From there it’s only a few days to Azalea Town.”

    “Thanks a lot,” Hope and Kaylie thanked him, jumping up.

    Jayden nodded, standing as well. Once the three trainers exited the cave, Chad pulled off his brown coat to reveal black attire. It was much like the outfits Team Lustrous wore, but it was more of a blazer and pants than robes. After looking around him, he took a headset out of the bag he had next to him.

    “I just checked the kids out,” he spoke into it. “They don’t appear to be with Team Lustrous, but there are two siblings of Lustrous operatives.”

    “For now come back to base,” a woman’s voice said through the headset. “They’re no threat to our plans as of yet. If they begin to pose a problem we’ll have to get rid of them.”

    “Yes ma’am.”

    Placing the headset back in the bag, Chad walked deeper into the cave, disappearing in the darkness. On the outside of the cave Jayden kept patting himself down, confused.

    “Is something wrong?” Kaylie asked as they walked.

    “How did I get dry?”

    “Oh that. Well you were pretty soaked so we had to change you. Luckily you had spare clothes,” Hope answered.

    Instantly Jayden turned red. Thinking about either of them changing his clothes made him feel a little embarrassed, especially since he was asleep. The girls laughed, making Jayden even more confused.

    “We had Chad change your pants,” said Hope. “I didn’t want to see that and Kaylie was too busy blushing to do it. We looked away.”

    “You know I think that’s what we needed to take our mind off of this Team Lustrous business,” Kaylie said with a giggle. “I was really upset, but our little time in Union Cave cheered me up. Even if we did almost die.”

    “You’re right Kaylie. I do miss my brother, but I know he would want me to enjoy my journey as well as take it seriously.”

    “So have either of you been to Unity City?” Jayden asked, changing the subject.

    Both of the girls shook their head as they came up to a sign that read, “Unity City Limits.” Jayden tried to see the city lights from their position, but no matter how hard he looked he couldn’t see anything. When they got closer to the city he instantly knew why. All of their jaws dropped once they entered the city. The buildings had been toppled, some in more than one part. Every window was shattered, glass strewn all over the street. Walking through the city was like walking through a nightmare. The only sign of people was the blood on the street. Some trailed off while others pooled up in one spot. Signs hung, swinging in the light wind. As they reached the middle of the city Jayden stopped dead in his tracks. He stopped the girls, a look of horror on his face. The moonlight shone down right onto what had stopped him. Out from the alley way lay a motionless hand. Not too far from the hand was a plush Cyndaquil. Jayden lost feeling in his legs, dropping to his knees. Grabbing onto the plush he did the only thing he could do.

    “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  13. #38
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    Whoa! Whose plush could it be? So violent! Dead people in a broken town... Cliffhanger...

    Just VM me like you did!
    I have:
    Platinum
    Heartgold
    White
    Black
    Rumble Blast
    White 2

    I used to liek mudkipz, then I took an arrow in the knee. However the arrow turned out to be a seaking. It yelled "F*** yeah" so I screamed "FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!". The seaking's face became that of a troll while mine became forever alone. The situation was super effective.

  14. #39
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    Another well written chapter.

    Team Lustrous bothered me at first because I thought it was going to be the typical 'Team' with shadowy goals and a God complex. But so far that's proved to not be the case. Keep it up, just be careful to not fall into any habits that make them ordinary.

    One thing that did bother me slightly was when the kids fell into the stream and got bashed around by the rocks. If they were slammed into unconciousness that easily and quickly, I thought they would have some kind of lingering injuries. A broken arm, sore leg, bump on the head, even a few bruises. One thing I've found in some fics is that they make the characters so perfect and untouchable that I can't relate to them. Not that you've been doing that, I just don't want you to fall into that stereotype. All three of the main characters are developing in such a way that I can easily see who they are, especially Kaylie. Keep it up!

    I liked the destruction and murder at the end of the chapter. It added a dose of realism, which is a really welcome addition. Besides the small things I mentioned, I enjoyed the chapter very much. Towards the beginning and right at the end, I felt like it was rushed a bit. However, it didn't take away from the experience, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Good job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  15. #40
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    Very well written chapter.

    The cliffhanger at the ending has me begging for more...
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  16. #41
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    Well, that took me longer than I epected, but as promised, here I am! This is CH5's review.
    as he hopped out of thebed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
    Or,

    as he hopped off the bed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
    ---
    “Weedle, use Poison Sting!”

    “Ledyba, stop that worm!”
    Should have comas after Weedle and Ledyba, as they are names beign addressed. Same goes for

    “Weedle, stop Ledyba with String Shot!” called Jayden.
    Both trainers recalled their Pokémon, shaking hands to show it was a good contest.
    Wonderful of you to include that.

    “I’m not too keen about going without sleep,” Jayden replied.
    Charlie Brown speaketh sense.

    “What’s so funny?” Jayden asked, his smile disappearing.

    “This is Dark Cave,” she explained. She pointed to her left, a large smile now on her face. “Violet City is that way! Looks like we’re walking through the night!”

    Jayden’s head hung in shame, the thought of going a full twenty-four hours without sleep already tiring him out. Pulling her friend, Kaylie happily led the way down the path towards Violet City.
    I suppose I should know this, but it came up and so I mention it. I actuially don't recall where Dark Cave is. That's the one that connects Violet and Blackthorn, right? Meaning it goes the wrong way is what Kaylie was getting at?

    Compared to Cherrygrove, Violet City was crowded; EXTREMELY crowded. It was impossible to go anywhere without bumping into someone. Jayden became overwhelmed, not sure of what to do. By instinct he grabbed Kaylie’s wrist and pulled her out of the crowd with him.
    Your story, your world, don't mind me, and I don't recall the anime presentation of Violet, but I belive the backstory calls for Vilet to be a much sleeoier and historic cit than that.

    All the streets wound around each other or ended up in a dead end
    Proper past tense of wind. Winded is what Jayden is after all that walking. :P

    “YES!” exclaimed Jayden, running over to the desk. “One room please. Let’s go.”
    This actually reads rather rudely. Who's he sayng "Let's go" to, Nurse Joy or Kaylie? If the former, that's a rather bossy thing to say to one who's supplying you room and board for nest to nothing. If the latter, I think he'd get slugged, on account it's Kaylie.

    “I feel that in the past week I feel like I’ve really gotten to know you.” Kaylie looked down, her hands shaking slightly. She clenched them in an attempt to make them stop. “I know that we didn’t really hang out much growing up, but I always had this strange feeling about you.”
    Ho boy. Here we go...

    Kaylie bit her lip, her trembling now traveling up her arms. “Even though I didn’t really know you it’s been there. Then that night in Cherrygrove made me realize it’s even more than I thought.” Kaylie looked up, staring straight into Jayden’s eyes. “I like you, a lot.”
    And for their next trick, Shadow Lucario will now jump the proverbial shark.

    (Is not fond of romances between two main characters, especially 14yr olds.)
    “I mean more than that, Silly.”
    For CH5, and I reaize you're past this point, but I'm still not getting a lot fo vibes from Jayden. He's certainly there, but he's not done aznything really establishing, or memorable. Although thr Dark Cave bit is funny once you figure out the punchline. Kaylie's kinda found her niche as the strong one, and I'm rather disspaointed as there's not a whole lot of emotion from the Pokemon, especially if this is a friendly competition between partner Pokemon.

    Black Org, meh. I could take them or leave them right now, but this is only their introduction chapter, there's still plenty of time for them to be introduced. I do liek Dimitrios though, since his concerns went immediately to his Lucario.

    And I miss Cyndiquil. I liked her. The little flower gathering went a long way.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

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    Not as much plot as I wanted, but what can you do? Anyway, there is a return. I'll leave it at that. The progression of the story is panning out just as I had planned so expect a lot more plot to be hitting your faces soon! So far I'm seeing that more people like Kaylie as opposed to Jayden. He's trying his hardest D: Kaylie is extremely happy though Moving on, finally starting to get more into double digit chapters. Here is chapter 11. Enjoy!


    Chapter 11: Illuminated Glory

    Dark clouds covered the sky, its color turning grey. No rain fell from the clouds, but thunder sounded, lightning cracking in the distance. As he kneeled, Jayden began to pound the ground, tears streaming from his face. Tears began to form in Kaylie’s eyes as well, her hand instinctively touching her mouth. Hope looked away from her friend, trying to suppress her own tears.

    “Who would do this?” Jayden asked, barely above a whisper. “Who would kill all these innocent people?!”

    Jayden wiped his face with his sleeve as he stood. Still clutching the plush Cyndaquil, he placed it in his bag, walking off in a seemingly random direction. Kaylie attempted to follow, but Hope stopped her, shaking her head. As he walked through the city he saw blood splattered against the building, the splatters showing they had tried to run. Jayden’s hands balled into fists, tightening even more as he continued walking. A creaking sound came from nearby him. Looking up he saw that it was a sign for a family business. The sign had been broken at the bottom and barely hanging on to the building.

    Sitting at a nearby bench, Jayden hung his head, the thoughts of what had transpired swimming in his mind. He could imagine the screams and the terror on the face of the citizens. A warm liquid began to travel down his arm. Surprised, he noticed that he had been squeezing his fists so tight that his nails pierced his skin. Not even caring if he got blood on him, Jayden covered his face with his hands, tears still trickling down.

    “I need to go comfort him,” Kaylie told Hope, her voice wavering.

    “How are you going to comfort him when you need someone to comfort you?” The question took Kaylie by surprise as Hope pulled her in for a hug, tears streaming down her face. “It’s okay to cry. You are human after all.”

    Even though she tried her best to hold it in, Kaylie began to weep, holding onto Hope tightly. Walking back to the girls, Jayden looked up at the sky, a small raindrop hitting him on the forehead. Soon the rain came down in a drizzle. Kaylie took notice of him as the boy stared into the sky, as if searching for something. He looked over at the girls, a smirk on his face.

    “We have to keep moving. We won’t gain anything by wallowing in our sorrows.”

    Kaylie broke away from Hope, wiping her tears with a nod and smile. “You’re right.”

    “That’s my line. After all, my name is Hope.” With a sniffle, Hope wiped her tears away as well. “My brother wouldn’t want me to be sad.”

    “Then let’s move on to Azalea Town.”

    Passing through the ruined city, the group didn’t look back for fear of sorrow catching them again. They put the sadness behind them, using it to push them forward. The rain stopped not long after it began, the sun shining through the clouds.

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    “Man my feet are killing me!”

    “Keep complaining and it will take even longer to get there.”

    “But we’ve been walking for a day! We haven’t stopped once!”

    “Hope is right Jayden. If you keep complaining it will take more time to get there.”

    Still on the road to Azalea Town, Hope, Jayden, and Kaylie had been traveling down a straight path that didn’t turn off at any point. The only thing they could see ahead was more of the path. Unlike yesterday, there were no clouds in the sky and the puddles from the little rain had already evaporated. On their right had been a cliff, the top just out of sight.

    “We should reach Azalea in two more days,” Hope told Jayden. “You can hold on that long can’t you?”

    “Maybe,” he replied. “That is if my feet don’t give out.”

    “Always like you to complain Jayden!” a voice said from above.

    Looking up quickly, Jayden saw a glimpse of a blue jacket as a figure jumped down the cliff, sliding on the rocky surface. Rolling when they reached the ground, a familiar face met Jayden. It was Burton! Kaylie let out a squeal of happiness before jumping on him.

    “Burton!” Jayden spit out, surprised by the sudden appearance. “What are you doing here?”

    “My next contest is in Azalea,” he explained. “You’re going too right? I didn’t see you at the contest in East Village.”

    “Actually,” Jayden said embarrassed as he scratched his head. He had completely forgotten that he didn’t tell Burton he had decided to compete in the Silver Conference.

    “The Silver Conference,” Burton said, a little impressed after a brief explanation. “Too bad you didn’t choose to become a coordinator with me and Marshall. We both lost in that first contest, but it’s extremely fun!”

    “Where is Marshall anyway?” Kaylie asked.

    “Marshall split after the contest in East Village. He hasn’t dropped me a line since. Before he ran off he said he’d meet me in Azalea.”

    “Then let’s go,” said Jayden. “We’re on our way there to challenge the gym.”

    “Awesome! I’ll be able to see you battle and you can watch my contest!” Burton punched the air as he jumped, excited for his next challenge and watching his friends battle.

    “Uh hi,” Hope said a little awkward. “I’m Hope by the way and we should probably get a move on if you guys want to get there sooner than later.”

    Taking Hope’s advice, the group of now four began their trek towards Azalea Town. All the while Burton told them about the joys of being a coordinator. He didn’t spare any details as he told them about how in sync he was with his Pokémon. He had also explained that while Marshall passed the appeal round, he did not. Even in defeat Burton was extremely happy with his performance and guaranteed them he would win the Azalea contest.

    “There is one thing I want to warn you about though.” Burton’s tone suddenly became serious, his expression no longer goofy. “There are these people in black running around. They call themselves the Black Organization. I don’t know what they’re goals are, but I do know they are bad news.”

    “That’s not all you have to worry about,” Jayden told him, his tone and expression equally as serious. “A syndicate known as Team Lustrous has sprung up out of nowhere. They kidnapped Hope’s brother for some reason and they’re the reason my mother is dead…”

    Burton said nothing, only looking off in another direction. Silence reigned over them before Burton finally spoke up again. “Instead of focusing on these criminals how about we have a friendly battle? I need to show you my team anyway.”

    “I’m down!” Jayden exclaimed.

    “Guys we don’t have time to stop,” Hope told the boys.

    “Let them have their fun,” said Kaylie. “We’re not on a schedule anyway. Besides, I want to see just what training for a contest does to your Pokémon.”

    Jayden and Burton had created a good thirty foot gap between them in the middle of the road. They both wore smirks, Poké Balls in hand. Burton launched his, the ball cracking open after leaving his hand. The white light poured out, hitting the ground before taking the form of a Poliwag. Swinging her tail back and forth, Poliwag showed she was ready for battle.

    “Pidgey, standby for battle!” Jayden yelled as he threw his Poké Ball. Pidgey flew out of his ball and around Poliwag before returning to Jayden’s side.

    “Poliwag start with Bubblebeam!” Burton shouted.

    From her little pink mouth, a barrage of solid bubbles shot out. Having leverage, it was easy for Pidgey to dodge all the bubbles. Even though he dodged them all, the bubbles busted all around Pidgey, water hitting him in the eye from each side.

    “Pidgey, use Gust to blow that tadpole away!” ordered Jayden.

    Flapping his wings furiously, Pidgey created a large tornado. Burton chuckled as the tornado neared Poliwag. “Time for Water Gun.”

    Instead of bubbles, a stream of water shot from Poliwag’s mouth. The tornado’s momentum then pulled the water around it, turning it into a small typhoon. Jumping into the typhoon, Poliwag used the tornado to gain speed and jump above Pidgey.

    “Now Body Slam!” called Burton.

    When Poliwag was above Pidgey it was as if her weight doubled. She dropped like a rock, landing right on top of Pidgey, slamming him into the ground. Rolling back, Poliwag spun on one foot gracefully, jumping into the air when she saw Pidgey struggling to get up.

    “Show them Quick Attack,” said Jayden.

    Poliwag jumped into the air again and without even realizing he moved, was tackled by Pidgey. The water type fell over, surprised by the attack. Pidgey swung back around and tackled her again, knocking Poliwag back to the ground. Before she could get up again, Pidgey flapped his wings, creating another tornado, this one smaller in size, but faster. The tornado picked Poliwag up, the tadpole unable to do anything but be bounced back and forth between the walls of the tornado.

    “Now hit ‘em with Wing Attack!” shouted Jayden.

    Pidgey’s wings began to glow as he broke through the tornado, slamming his wing into Poliwag, Flying out, Poliwag hit the ground, rolling back a little, not moving. Burton recalled his Pokémon, knowing she couldn’t battle any longer.

    “Great job Pidgey,” Jayden complimented him as Pidgey landed on his shoulder. Pulling out his Poké Ball, Jayden recalled him, a smirk on his face.

    “That was a pretty sweet battle, but let’s see how you handle my starter,” Burton said, pulling out another Poké Ball. “Abra, strike!”

    From his Poké Ball came a bipedal, fox like Pokémon. It was gold in color save for the brown plates on its shoulders and a small area on its chest. Its eyes appeared to be closed. It held up one hand, pink energy emitting from its three fingers.

    “Then I guess I’ll have to use mine,” Jayden said with a chuckle. “Cyndaquil, standby for battle!”

    Cyndaquil emerged from her Poké Ball with the fire on her back blazing. When she landed, the fire type cautiously watched Abra, waiting for Jayden to give a command. Burton looked the field over, devising a strategy that would use his surroundings.

    “Abra, use Energy Ball!” he shouted.

    After a few seconds, Abra placed on hand over the other, a green ball forming. His hands shook as he tried to contain the energy into the small compact ball. Abra launched it, standing completely still.

    “Cyndaquil dodge it!” ordered Jayden.

    Cyndaquil jumped to the side, the ball whizzing right be her face. Burton chuckled a bit and with a snap of his fingers Abra had vanished. Shocked, both Jayden and Cyndaquil looked around them, trying to find the psychic type. Without a sound, Abra reappeared behind Cyndaquil, a green ball in his hand.

    “Watch out Cyndaquil!” Jayden yelled.

    Hearing her trainer, Cyndaquil turned around, but it was too late. Abra shot the ball at point blank range, hitting Cyndaquil in her side. Rolling backwards, Cyndaquil regained her balance.

    “Fire back with Ember!” Jayden shouted.

    Cyndaquil dashed towards Abra, a barrage of fireballs releasing from her mouth. Abra didn’t move a muscle, instead being hit by the fireballs. Falling backwards, Abra lay on the ground, not moving.

    “Is it over already?” Kaylie asked, surprised that Abra went down so easily.

    “I doubt it,” said Hope.

    Just as she said it, Abra began to levitate in the air, pushing himself back to his feet. Burton nodded his head, expecting this much from his Pokémon. “Show them your teleporting Shadow Ball.”

    Once again Abra began to gather energy between his hands, but this time it was purple and black as opposed to the green from before. When this ball was launched it zipped through the air faster than the other attack. Abra thrust out his hands towards the ball. As Cyndaquil was about to dodge, the ball of energy vanished. Cyndaquil rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn’t seeing things. The ball appeared from behind her, hitting her in the back. The ball vanished again, reappearing from the side this time. This pattern repeated until Cyndaquil was hit from every direction. Panting, Cyndaquil fell to the ground, trying her best to get up.

    “Cyndaquil please get up,” Jayden plead. “You can do this. I know you can.”

    Cyndaquil shakily got back to her feet, staring Abra down. With a cry, her fire began to burn more brilliantly. Releasing another wave of fireballs, Cyndaquil dashed at Abra. The psychic type was hit, this time simply stumbling back. As she ran, Cyndaquil’s speed picked up. The fire type tackled Abra, hitting him in the gut with her head.

    “Go Cyndaquil,” Jayden shouted. “Hit him with Flame Wheel!”

    Chasing after Abra as he stumbled, Cyndaquil became engulfed in flames. This time when she tackled Abra, his mouth opened, saliva spilling out. Abra flew backwards, skidding across the ground a bit. When he finally stopped, he lay motionless. The flames disappeared from around Cyndaquil and she too fell to the ground, not a muscle moving.

    “I think it’s a double knockout,” Burton said, the two trainers recalling their Pokémon. “Now that was a fun battle!”

    “You got that right,” Jayden said with a smile. The boys met each other in the middle of the road and grasped each other’s hand.

    “I can’t wait to see how well you do in Azalea.” Placing his Poké Ball back into his pocket, he and Jayden walked back over to the girls, the girls patting them both on the back.

    “Well you won’t have anything to see if we never get there,” Hope told him. “Now let’s get moving!”
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 22nd March 2012 at 11:33 AM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  18. #43
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    I saw a few mistakes such as "Hope placed stopped Kaylie". There were a some others but I cant quote sentences on my nook.
    One thing I noticed was weird is that they kept the dead city to themselves... They didnt even call the police, much less tell Burton. I thought that a little strange.
    Great chapter! I'm suprised how quick you make these. Good job!
    I have:
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    I used to liek mudkipz, then I took an arrow in the knee. However the arrow turned out to be a seaking. It yelled "F*** yeah" so I screamed "FUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!". The seaking's face became that of a troll while mine became forever alone. The situation was super effective.

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    Nicely done, however, there were a few things that struck me as odd.

    First, Jayden's reaction to the ruined city confused me. I mean, I know it would be a hellish thing to stumble upon, but it seemed like he really took it hard. I'm not sure why. Was it because he think his mother was involved? Did he know someone from the city? Fond memories from his youth? Shock and disbelief are reactions I can understand, but Jayden's felt a little extreme compared to the rest of them. If there is a reason for that, that will be revealed later, nevermind, but if I missed something, let me know. I did think you described his emotions very well though. Rage and anguish have always been really difficult for me to describe, so great work!

    As I read on, I found myself still thinking about the ruined city. How many dead, if the police were called, repair estimates, etc. I found it odd that you gave no explanation about them notifying someone or not. Being as old they are, I figured the first thing they would do would be to tell someone in a position of power. I know you have to follow your characters, but I hope you visit that town again lol.

    When Poliwag was above Pidgey it was as if her weight doubled.
    Don't really have a correction to suggest, but that sentence felt somewhat wrong to me. I hope that doesnt sound odd, but it made me stumble a bit

    The battle between Jayden and Burton was really fun to read, I found myself on edge almost all the way through. I liked how you used the attacks thrown by each one to aid the other in a counter-attack. It was obviously really thought out and planned. Abra being portrayed as a teleporting powerhouse was a nice touch. I've noticed that some writers tend to ignore species like that as worthless, or even not worth writing about, but they are. They have so much to offer and I'm glad you recognize that.

    All in all, I liked the chapter alot. Maybe I read quickly, but I fell like it was a tad bit short, but that didn't take away from the experience. I can see that you're taking the advice that people are giving you, and its nice to see the results. Keep it up!
    Last edited by Sidewinder; 20th March 2012 at 5:02 PM.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

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    Many thanks for the reviews. As for notifying the police...there are no police in the city and they have no form of communication. I didn't give them Pokegears because I felt that would make it too much like the game. That and I think the only person Jayden would call is his dad. :P Anyway, it was heartbreaking for them to see the destruction and with Jayden, he just found out his mother was dead so it really hit home for him. I'll make the next chapter better, don't you worry!
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    Many thanks for the reviews. As for notifying the police...there are no police in the city and they have no form of communication. I didn't give them Pokegears because I felt that would make it too much like the game. That and I think the only person Jayden would call is his dad. :P Anyway, it was heartbreaking for them to see the destruction and with Jayden, he just found out his mother was dead so it really hit home for him. I'll make the next chapter better, don't you worry!
    Ah, well that makes more sense. If everyone is dead they obviously cant communicate with anyone, especially if all they could possibly do for long distance communication is make a few smoke signals.

    And btw, it was a very good chapter.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
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    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  22. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    Not as much plot as I wanted, but what can you do? Anyway, there is a return. I'll leave it at that. The progression of the story is panning out just as I had planned so expect a lot more plot to be hitting your faces soon! So far I'm seeing that more people like Kaylie as opposed to Jayden. He's trying his hardest D: Kaylie is extremely happy though Moving on, finally starting to get more into double digit chapters. Here is chapter 11. Enjoy!


    Chapter 11: Illuminated Glory

    Dark clouds covered the sky, its color turning grey. No rain fell from the clouds, but thunder sounded, lightning cracking in the distance. As he kneeled, Jayden began to pound the ground, tears streaming from his face. Tears began to form in Kaylie’s eyes as well, her hand instinctively touching her mouth. Hope looked away from her friend, trying to suppress her own tears.

    “Who would do this?” Jayden asked, barely above a whisper. “Who would kill all these innocent people?!”

    Jayden wiped his face with his sleeve as he stood. Still clutching the plush Cyndaquil, he placed it in his bag, walking off in a seemingly random direction. Kaylie attempted to follow, but Hope placed stopped her, shaking her head. As he walked through the city he saw blood splattered against the building, the splatters showing they had tried to run. Jayden’s hands balled into fists, tightening even more as he continued walking. A creaking sound came from nearby him. Looking up he saw that it was a sign for a family business. The sign had been broken at the bottom and barely hanging on to the building.

    Sitting at a nearby bench, Jayden hung his head, the thoughts of what had transpired swimming in his mind. He could imagine the screams and the terror on the face of the citizens. A warm liquid began to travel down his arm. Surprised, he noticed that he had been squeezing his fists so tight that his nails pierced his skin. Not even caring if he got blood on him, Jayden covered his face with his hands, tears still trickling down.

    “I need to go comfort him,” Kaylie told Hope, her voice wavering.

    “How are you going to comfort him when you need someone to comfort you?” The question took Kaylie by surprise as Hope pulled her in for a hug, tears streaming down her face. “It’s okay to cry. You are human after all.”

    Even though she tried her best to hold it in, Kaylie began to weep, holding onto Hope tightly. Walking back to the girls, Jayden looked up at the sky, a small raindrop hitting him on the forehead. Soon the rain came down in a drizzle. Kaylie took notice of him as the boy stared into the sky, as if searching for something. He looked over at the girls, a smirk on his face.

    “We have to keep moving. We won’t gain anything by wallowing in our sorrows.”

    Kaylie broke away from Hope, wiping her tears with a nod and smile. “You’re right.”

    “That’s my line. After all, my name is Hope.” With a sniffle, Hope wiped her tears away as well. “My brother wouldn’t want me to be sad.”

    “Then let’s move on to Azalea Town.”

    Passing through the ruined city, the group didn’t look back for fear of sorrow catching them again. They put the sadness behind them, using it to push them forward. The rain stopped not long after it began, the sun shining through the clouds.
    This whole part is completly and utterly off. Three teenagers walk into a town full of death and all they do is cry a bit and move on! No way!

    First, Jayden sees a everything in the end of the last chapter and all he does is pick up a plush and scream. Not likely he should have ran to the person not the doll. Second, they just stand around and cry then leave! How doe someone even see that ever happening. You don't just cry in the middle of a town full of slaughtered people and then walk away! They are in a town someone has to have a pokegear or phone and if not that then what about the dead peoples potential pokemon. Where are they. I would find it odd if a whole town of people didn't have any pokemon what so ever. Third is their attitudes once they leave. How do you have main characters see such a disslturbing event and not change in the least. The don't seem the least bit worried, determined, saddened, vengeful, or angry at what happened to the people in that town. Foruth, they run into another trainer, who they don't tell about the incident, that jayden then has a casual battle with. All of this is just wrong I'm sorry if it seems like I am ripping your fan fic apart but thesse are huge holes.


    Also in the battle I think energy ball should have barely phased cyndaquil. I mean a un-stab grass move against a fire typ is not gonna do any real damage. Meaning cynda should have weathered the shadow balls better.
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    Quote Originally Posted by a person View Post
    Again, N believed he would thrash your ass with his dragon, thus winning the ultimate duel of death and crap between truth and ideals. He had no idea that you would pull your own dragon out of the ass he expected to thrash.

  23. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Volt Trainer View Post
    This whole part is completly and utterly off. Three teenagers walk into a town full of death and all they do is cry a bit and move on! No way!

    First, Jayden sees a everything in the end of the last chapter and all he does is pick up a plush and scream. Not likely he should have ran to the person not the doll. Second, they just stand around and cry then leave! How doe someone even see that ever happening. You don't just cry in the middle of a town full of slaughtered people and then walk away! They are in a town someone has to have a pokegear or phone and if not that then what about the dead peoples potential pokemon. Where are they. I would find it odd if a whole town of people didn't have any pokemon what so ever. Third is their attitudes once they leave. How do you have main characters see such a disslturbing event and not change in the least. The don't seem the least bit worried, determined, saddened, vengeful, or angry at what happened to the people in that town. Foruth, they run into another trainer, who they don't tell about the incident, that jayden then has a casual battle with. All of this is just wrong I'm sorry if it seems like I am ripping your fan fic apart but thesse are huge holes.


    Also in the battle I think energy ball should have barely phased cyndaquil. I mean a un-stab grass move against a fire typ is not gonna do any real damage. Meaning cynda should have weathered the shadow balls better.
    No it doesn't seem like that at all. Just stating what you think. I don't know if you remember, but Burton knows them and has known them for quite a while, well minus Hope. The reason they don't tell him is they want to put it behind them and focus more on their journey and since they have no idea who is responsible (yet) they can't have any feelings of vengeance. I should have handled that situation better. I'll work on that next time I have a similar event. I'm from Arizona too. What are you doing up at this time? :P
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Chapter 12 comin in! I really connected to a certain character in this chapter. I got inside their mind and knew what was going on. A lot more violence than usual. We get some talk on what happened in Violet between Kaylie and Jayden while we also get another talk from a completely different character. Probably going to work on some biographies later and add them this weekend. Enjoy!



    Chapter 12: Radiant Pride


    “Don’t you guys ever stop to rest?!”

    “I know your pain man. I’ve asked the same thing on multiple occasions.”

    After meeting up with Kaylie and Jayden’s old friend Burton, the group of four trainers traveled towards Azalea Town together. Even though the moon was in the sky the trainers still walked, not having taken a rest since Jayden’s battle with Burton. Their newest companion didn’t like their way of walking straight through the night.

    “Geez it was bad when only Jayden complained,” Hope said, slightly irritated. “I can tell you two are friends. You both can’t handle going without a little sleep.”

    “Hey now, I’ve started to get used to this,” said Jayden, sounding a little defensive.

    Shaking her head, Hope didn’t give Jayden a verbal response.

    A slight wind blew over the landscape, leaves dancing in it. High in the sky, the moon was full, illuminating the route. Because of the absence of lights, the stars were much more brilliant, more constellations able to be seen. Hoothoot and Noctowl could be seen occasionally flying overhead.

    “I think this is a good time to take a break,” Hope told the group.

    “Finally!” Jayden and Burton moaned in unison.

    The two boys dropped their bags, nearly falling to the ground. Kaylie laughed as she sat her bag down, taking a seat next to Jayden. Slightly red she looked over at him, snapping her gaze back ahead of her once she saw that he noticed her eyes. Shrugging it off Jayden pulled out a Poké Ball, tossing it in the air. Cyndaquil emerged with a flip, looking around her when she landed.

    “We’re not in a battle Cyndaquil,” Jayden told her, chuckling a little bit.

    The small fire type blushed as she snuggled under her trainer’s arm, trying to hide her embarrassment. Kaylie looked over again, this time maintaining her gaze when Jayden’s eyes met hers. Burton noticed his friends locking eyes and stood quickly, brushing his pants off.

    “Hope and I will go get some fire wood,” he said, a large grin on his face. Grabbing Hope by the arm he pulled her off down the route. “We’ll be back soon!”

    “Burton,” Jayden said. “He’s such a character.”

    “So, I wanted to talk about what happened in Violet City,” Kaylie said quietly.

    “What of it?”

    “I just find it odd that you would kiss me and then not even mention what we had said that night. You told me you liked me. Is that true?”

    Jayden let out a sigh, looking down at Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil simply smiled back at him, snuggling closer to him. “That was a long time ago. I’m not sure if I still feel that way. Things have just gotten so…complicated.”

    “So then I should just forget these feelings then?” Kaylie looked away, huddling her knees close to her chest. Suddenly, a warm sensation filled her hand. She quickly looked at her hand and saw Cyndaquil smiling at her, placing her tiny hands into the human’s. Without even saying anything Kaylie understood it all from Cyndaquil’s gaze.

    Looking into the sky, Jayden smiled, closing his eyes. “We’re young Kaylie. You shouldn’t be looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.”

    “Cynda!” Cyndaquil cried at Jayden, an agitated look on her face.

    He laughed and began to pet his Pokémon on the head. “Unless of course that person is your Pokémon, but you understand what I mean. If it happens between us then it happens. If not, I want you to stay my friend and continue to be in my life.”

    Cyndaquil jumped into her trainer’s lap, both giggling. Kaylie took out Totodile’s Poké Ball and stared at it. She knew that she didn’t have the same bond with her Totodile that Jayden and Cyndaquil had. Releasing her Totodile, tears came to Kaylie’s eyes. When the blue crocodile formed, he walked over to his trainer, a concerned look on his face.

    “Don’t worry Totodile,” she said wiping her face. “These are tears of joy. I just wanted you to know that I’ll be using you a lot more. I know that I have been neglecting you, but I want you to know it stops here.”

    “Dile!” the crocodile cheered, hugging his trainer.

    Jayden smiled, seeing Kaylie and her Totodile laugh and bond. Kaylie stood, whispering something to Totodile. Without warning, the two ran up to Jayden and Cyndaquil, tagged them, and ran off giggling.

    “I guess we’re it Cyndaquil,” Jayden told her, the smile still on his face.

    “Cynda,” she replied, a smile spreading across her face as well.

    Chasing after their friends, Cyndaquil tackled Totodile to the ground while Jayden scooped Kaylie up, gently placing her on the ground. He knelt over her, slowly getting closer to her face. Kaylie’s heartbeat increased as she felt his body heat. His eyes were gentle, his hair lightly touching her. Kaylie closed her eyes, expecting the pressure from his lips to touch hers. Instead she felt his head next to hers.

    “You’re it,” he whispered to her before he and Cyndaquil took off down the road.

    Sitting up, she looked at Totodile, a little confused. Shaking her head, Kaylie smiled, picking Totodile up and started her own chase after Jayden. Due to him having longer legs, Jayden could easily outrun Kaylie. After leading her down the road for a few minutes, Jayden stopped, the sight ahead of him forcing him to stop.

    “Hey…why’d you stop?” Kaylie asked, trying to catch her breath.

    Jayden simply pointed ahead of him. In the distance was a large light over a small town. Helicopters flew over, their spotlights on the town as well. A large building in the center had tubes coming from the sides, connecting to two smaller buildings. People descended from the helicopters and into the town. Tanks traversed the roads outside the town limits with groups of people on every side of them.

    “What the f-” Jayden started.

    Before he could finish the curse, a powerful force hit him from the side, throwing him to the ground easily. Maniacal laughter filled the air around them. Kaylie’s eyes widened as she realized she knew the laughter. She looked to her side and saw the familiar green monster that towered over her. Stepping out from behind the creature, another familiar face came. Kaylie tried to move to see if Jayden was okay, but the stare from the man froze her to the spot.

    “Well well look who we have here,” the Team Lustrous commander, Alexander, said.

    “Al-alexander…” she stuttered. He took a step towards her and no matter how much she wanted to run she couldn’t.

    “Don’t be so afraid now Kaylie,” he said, now standing right next to her.

    “Quil!” cried Cyndaquil, releasing a barrage of fireballs onto Alexander’s Tyranitar.

    The green beast let the attack hit him, the fireballs not fazing him at all. Jayden pushed himself up, one hand on his jaw. He tried to reach out for Cyndaquil, but was too late. Just like her trainer, Tyranitar whacked Cyndaquil with his tail. The small fire mouse was sent skidding against the ground. Jayden stopped her, holding his Pokémon close.

    “What do you want with us?” Jayden demanded.

    “I’m just here to talk to Kaylie,” Alexander replied, placing a hand on her cheek.

    “Don’t you touch her you filth!” the boy shouted.

    Alexander walked over to Jayden, a look of disgust on his face as he looked down on him. With a swift kick to the face, Jayden was sent tumbling backwards, trying to prevent Cyndaquil from being harmed by his weight.

    “How dare you tell me what to do with my own sister…?” The look in Alexander’s eye was intense as he stared Jayden down.

    “S-sister?” Jayden uttered out, his jaw in extreme pain.

    “I just wanted to let you know that you have an open invitation from Team Lustrous,” the man told Kaylie, completely ignoring Jayden.

    “What do you mean?” Kaylie quietly asked, clutching Totodile tightly. The blue crocodile glared at Alexander, returning his intense stare.

    “You’re free to join Team Lustrous. You’ll be protected at all times, we can give you access to things that not even powerful company directors can see, and we can help you on your quest towards the Silver Conference!”

    “I-I-I,” Kaylie stammered.

    “Of course you’ll need to help Team Lustrous in their goals.” Alexander looked over at Jayden. “We need help in getting rid of the trash in this world…”

    Kaylie stayed quiet. Totodile opened his large mouth, a stream of water shooting out. Much faster than expected, Tyranitar dashed to Alexander’s side, throwing his arm between him and Totodile. The water reflected off Tyranitar’s arm, hitting Totodile in the face.

    “This is but an example of how we can make you and your Pokémon stronger,” Alexander said. He grabbed Kaylie by the shoulder and pulled her in for a hug, placing his hand on her head. “Family needs to stick together. Remember that.”

    Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to Tyranitar to follow him as he walked back towards the town. Once he vanished over the hill, Kaylie placed Totodile on the ground and ran over to Jayden. Totodile followed, still glaring in Alexander’s direction.

    “Are you okay?” Kaylie asked, tears streaming down her face.

    “I’m fine,” he replied, shakily standing up, one hand still on his jaw. “I’m worried that Cyndaquil isn’t. She took a really hard hit. How come you never told me that guy was your brother?”

    “It’s kind of hard to talk about…” Kaylie turned away, her hand on her mouth as she sobbed. “That’s the closest he’s gotten to me in six years! Things just aren’t the same anymore!”

    “We should get back to the rest spot. I want to make sure Cyndaquil is okay.”

    The entire walk back was silent, minus Cyndaquil’s occasional groan. When they returned back to the spot where they stopped for a rest, Burton and Hope had already been sitting down around a fire. The conversation they were having stopped immediately stopped when they saw Kaylie and Jayden. Jumping up they instantly asked if they were okay. After a quick explanation from Kaylie, Burton rummaged through his bag and pulled out a small yellow bottle.

    “Spray this on Cyndaquil,” he told Jayden.

    “What is it?” Jayden asked, taking the bottle.

    “It’s a medicine I bought a while ago. You seem to need it a whole lot more than I do. It will heal Cyndaquil’s wounds faster than normal at the cost of a little pain.”

    Closing his eyes, Jayden sprayed Cyndaquil a few times, making sure to cover all the scratches and bruises. The fire type began to fidget as the medicine soaked in. The fire on her back instantly blazed as she let out a cry. Jayden turned her around and hugged her tightly. His hands began to burn, but he held on tight and soon after she calmed down, the fire disappearing. Quiet snores came from the Pokémon as she snuggled closer to Jayden instinctively.

    “Don’t worry Cyndaquil,” Jayden whispered. “We’ll get him back. There’s no way I’m going to let him get away with this…”
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 22nd March 2012 at 11:33 PM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    “Hey now, I’ve started to get used to this,” said Jayden a little defensively.
    I feel like that would sound a little better if it was like "Hey now, I've started to get used to this," Jayden said, sounding slightly defensive.

    Shaking her head, Hope didn’t give Jayden a verbal response. A slight wind blew over the landscape, leaves dancing in it. High in the sky, the moon was full, illuminating the route. Because of the absence of lights, the stars were much more brilliant, more constellations able to be seen. Hoothoot and Noctowl could be seen occasionally flying overhead.
    Felt like this bit would have been easier to read if you made a new paragraph after Hope shook her head.

    gaze back ahead of her once she saw he noticed her eyes.
    Felt like that would have been better if you added 'that', between saw, and he. gaze back ahead of her once she saw that he noticed her eyes

    His eyes were gently
    I think you meant 'gentle'

    Sitting up, she looked at Totodile a little confused
    I think that would work better with a comma after Totodile

    Placing his lips on her forehead, Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to
    The two forehead's that close together bugged me a little bit. Instead of using forehead twice, you could have used 'brow', in place of one of them.

    Placing his lips on her brow, Alexander kissed his sister’s forehead before motioning to

    All in all, I liked the chapter. Besides the things I mentioned, I think you've really been showing improvement from the first chapters I started reading. One thing I especially like is how you describe the characters stammering in intense situations. Which is what would happen in the situations I'm describing. You describe fear nicely, be proud of that.

    As for Alexander being Kaylie's sister. I thought it was a nice twist. I'm sure its well thought out, and has alot of meaning to the story later on. I'm excited to see the dynamic between those two grow, and look forward to reading more about it.

    Good job!

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


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