Since you were kind enough to drop in on Tempest for me, here I am to repay the review! It's only the proper thing to do, after all. I'll skip Chapter 1 since Psychic covered anything and everything I could ever possibly come up with, and move on to Chapter 2. SInce I'm reviewing as I go, I ay vey well comment on things that you resolve in the next chapter. Done that once or twice. Ah, the joys of dual computer screens!
Oh, before I do that, I notice you're putting chapters out on two day rotations. Most things I read discourage that, as it bogs new reviewers down much more quickly and looks intimidating to someone coming into the story. You're way to do things, just passing along what I've heard.
I must admit, Cyndy is showing more character than Jayden is right now, ad getting more exxpression out of just her little actions than Jayden is getting with dialogue. He's got a little bit, but he gets overpowered too easily by the others in the story, ad they're not all that strong either.
Poor Hoothoot, I think it was looking for a friend, instead it got a rock...The owl fell to the ground, stunned. Quickly getting back into the air, Hoothoot flew off, a sad look on its face.
Action repetition. I see a lot of people do this. We'll see if you do, but the better word would probably be "startling him".A figure jumped out of the bushes to his left, causing him to jump.
Hmm, I've heard that joke before somewhere. I must admit, this kinda feels like trivial trivia, I already understand Jyden is a PKMN world incarnate of Charlie Brown...“Heh, only you would manage something like that. Remember that time you had the one ticket that would win you backstage passes to the Jolteon’s concert, but you gave it away saying you would never win?”
“Don’t remind me! That was a long time ago anyway!”
Kaylie scratched the side of her face. “That was last week…”
Slight run on there, consider a comma after better. It's not a full partial stop to warrant a semicolon, but it needs a break somewhere.Walking the rest of the way with Kaylie made Jayden feel slightly better even if he didn’t come to a full decision about his career yet.
Alright, this is the second fic in 24hours that I've read that uses a trainer sign up sheet as an info dump for height and weight, which means very little to me. Did I miss a memo somewhere? Should I have done something? Should be concerned that I'm only fifteen pounds heavier than a ten year old, and twice his age?“Height, about 5’ 10”. Weight, around 120 lbs,” Jayden whispered to himself.
The Pokemon center descriptor felt too mechanical to me, and I'm not sure why Jayden would be able to actually see the infirmay from the front entrace. To each there own, but in almost all cases the medical side is not visible from the hostel side of things.
Battle scene, pretty good. I'm not a fan of relying on the trainer to dodge, that part should be second nature to Pokemon and animals in general, unless the trainer specifically expresses a strategy to absorb the hit or ake the opponent out.
I'm agreeing with Typhlosion, this is too mechanical for a real world. if a small creature has a fire on its back naturally, spitting fire should be second nature. Stoking it, fopcusing it into something like Flamethrower or Frieblast I can see, and certainly skill would be needed to pull off Flamewheel or Fire Spin, but simply spitting fire?“Good idea. Cyndaquil dodge it!” Jayden shouted when he saw Ledyba closing in for another Tackle. Cyndaquil jumped over Ledyba, spinning as she descended. “Now hit it with Ember!”
Cyndaquil opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Shocked, Cyndaquil shook it off and tackled Ledyba from behind instead.
“You can stay with me,” a shaky voice said from behind the two.
Both of the teenagers quickly turned around to see an old man smiling. He had no hair on top of his head, but he had a long white beard. His arms were placed behind his back, the long sleeves of his robe covering his hands.Awkward line.“Once the moon comes out it looks so much better!”
Careful, you're getting dangerously close to shacking up the main characters, and that's a very quick way to kill a show or sotry. Just ask Cable Television...I always knew she could dance, but who knew she was this good, Jayden thought. As he watched his friend dance his jaw dropped.
Kaylie then moved to the crowd, bouncing in a way. Jayden thought she had finished, but to his terror she grabbed him and pulled him into the center. Kaylie continued dancing as Jayden looked around. Not wanting to seem like a square in front of at least thirty people Jayden began to improvise. His feet made sliding movements outwards while he bent his head from side to side. To his surprise the crowd began to cheer. With a smile Jayden did the only other dance move he knew. He flopped on the ground and began to make a wave motion with his body.
Need a comma after Well there.“Well, I’ll make it a priority to find you if I pass through,” Kaylie said with a smile. “Tonight was really fun.”
This is a really odd intro, and it's int eh middle fo the chapter. Stopp trying to hook, you fdon't need to hook a reader in the middle of the chapter, you've already got them.“So then what happened?”
“I punched Marshall in his face and told him that I didn’t want to go with him. You thought he would have caught on when I told him I didn’t want to the first six times.”
Also a comma after know.“You know I thought you hated me,” Kaylie admitted. “It seemed like you always ignored me.”
Persoanl taste, but Lethal P is a large prtion of the dissapointment in my generation. It's cool you're including more culture in your story though.
Would t be wrong of me though to say that it feels kinda prolonged and draggy?
Taking a break, I'll be back with CH4