Well, that took me longer than I epected, but as promised, here I am! This is CH5's review.Or,as he hopped out of thebed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
---as he hopped off the bed, pulling Damien into an embrace. “Dimitrios is fine. What happened to me and where are we?”
Should have comas after Weedle and Ledyba, as they are names beign addressed. Same goes for“Weedle, use Poison Sting!”
“Ledyba, stop that worm!”
“Weedle, stop Ledyba with String Shot!” called Jayden.Wonderful of you to include that.Both trainers recalled their Pokémon, shaking hands to show it was a good contest.
Charlie Brown speaketh sense.“I’m not too keen about going without sleep,” Jayden replied.
I suppose I should know this, but it came up and so I mention it. I actuially don't recall where Dark Cave is. That's the one that connects Violet and Blackthorn, right? Meaning it goes the wrong way is what Kaylie was getting at?“What’s so funny?” Jayden asked, his smile disappearing.
“This is Dark Cave,” she explained. She pointed to her left, a large smile now on her face. “Violet City is that way! Looks like we’re walking through the night!”
Jayden’s head hung in shame, the thought of going a full twenty-four hours without sleep already tiring him out. Pulling her friend, Kaylie happily led the way down the path towards Violet City.
Your story, your world, don't mind me, and I don't recall the anime presentation of Violet, but I belive the backstory calls for Vilet to be a much sleeoier and historic cit than that.Compared to Cherrygrove, Violet City was crowded; EXTREMELY crowded. It was impossible to go anywhere without bumping into someone. Jayden became overwhelmed, not sure of what to do. By instinct he grabbed Kaylie’s wrist and pulled her out of the crowd with him.
Proper past tense of wind. Winded is what Jayden is after all that walking. :PAll the streets wound around each other or ended up in a dead end
This actually reads rather rudely. Who's he sayng "Let's go" to, Nurse Joy or Kaylie? If the former, that's a rather bossy thing to say to one who's supplying you room and board for nest to nothing. If the latter, I think he'd get slugged, on account it's Kaylie.“YES!” exclaimed Jayden, running over to the desk. “One room please. Let’s go.”
Ho boy. Here we go...“I feel that in the past week I feel like I’ve really gotten to know you.” Kaylie looked down, her hands shaking slightly. She clenched them in an attempt to make them stop. “I know that we didn’t really hang out much growing up, but I always had this strange feeling about you.”
And for their next trick, Shadow Lucario will now jump the proverbial shark.Kaylie bit her lip, her trembling now traveling up her arms. “Even though I didn’t really know you it’s been there. Then that night in Cherrygrove made me realize it’s even more than I thought.” Kaylie looked up, staring straight into Jayden’s eyes. “I like you, a lot.”
(Is not fond of romances between two main characters, especially 14yr olds.)
For CH5, and I reaize you're past this point, but I'm still not getting a lot fo vibes from Jayden. He's certainly there, but he's not done aznything really establishing, or memorable. Although thr Dark Cave bit is funny once you figure out the punchline. Kaylie's kinda found her niche as the strong one, and I'm rather disspaointed as there's not a whole lot of emotion from the Pokemon, especially if this is a friendly competition between partner Pokemon.“I mean more than that, Silly.”
Black Org, meh. I could take them or leave them right now, but this is only their introduction chapter, there's still plenty of time for them to be introduced. I do liek Dimitrios though, since his concerns went immediately to his Lucario.
And I miss Cyndiquil. I liked her. The little flower gathering went a long way.