Alrgith, here I go. Last push.
HOLY HECK WHO'S THIS? Where'd this Jayden character come from? [sarcasm]
I have to be honest, the Aipom appearing so closely to the Pidgey seems to be a bit too quick for me. More time, another short paragraph of "Let's meet Pidgey" or something to break it up. Right now, both captures are well written, but it feels a lot like "Oh crap Jayden's got three Pokemon, I have to catch Kaylie up."“Good job with your capture,” Kaylie complimented, clapping as she approached him. “Now it’s my turn to find something.”
“Good luck,” Jayden said, Cyndaquil jumping on his shoulder.
Need a hint as to who's saying what. One ghint would be fine, a single "Jayden asked" would suffice, as it proves that Kaylie started and Jaden's responding.“We need to go out tonight.”
“Why do you say that?”
“It’s the last night before our gym battle. We should have some fun while we can. Last time we went out we had a blast.”
Wierd. And not a Jayden wierd, it's just weird. Like a "This conversation is brought to you by the Sodium Light company of Johto!" plug of some kind. If tyhis is trying to build Jayden up as a know ir all, ir's not working, and doesn't fit my perception of the character. There are much more natural ways to break an awkward silence. "Lovely weather we're having" or "So, read anything good lately" being the cliche ones.“No, but I’m guessing you do,” she replied giggling.
“It’s becau-” Before Jayden could finish Kaylie had wrapped his arm around her, her head leaning on his chest. Instantly he began to blush, not sure of what to do.
“Continue,” she said smiling at him.
“I-it’s because they have s-sodium in t-them,” he stammered, looking away. “Oh look a park. We should go and sit.”
I've been called on this in my fics, so I could be wrong, but I'd suggest getting rid of the Kaylie asked. It's repetitive, you have "Can i ask you something" not twelve words away. Also, with as short as the conversation is, and with Jayden replied on the next line, it's not a problem to figure out it's Kaylie talking, she's the only other human being in the story.“Can I ask you something?” Kaylie asked.
“Sure,” Jayden replied, still not looking at her.
“What’s it like to have parents?”
THAT's not out of left-field...“What’s it like to have parents?”
Comma after Well, and possibly a little more feeling into it, maybe some sheepish hesitation or something.“Well, I like you too,” he admitted.
word repetition again. Pronouns are our friends here.Kaylie smiled, burying her face into his chest, trying to hide her face from him
Much better though, best chapter so far.
Whoah, whoah. Hold up a minute. Nothing's ending here. This isn't an "arc, this is, at best, a "season", but just because you're introducing a somewhat new side, this one doesn't necessarily end. There's been no climax to it, no falling action, we barely met Jayden before the "last chapter", we're still under the same heading here. Now, when and or if they reach the Silver Conference, THEN you can call it a new arc, weven something like the Whirl Islands can be called a Side arc, but this is not an ending of an arc. [/pet-peeve rant]With this chapter the First Journey Arc is over! For a last chapter I say it is pretty good. A little plot develops as well as a shocking revelation. It is considerably longer than any other chapter, but not too long. After this we will head into the Team Lustrous Arc, a part of the story that will include A LOT of character development. I should have character bios up later today. Enjoy!
Flaw in most journey battles. Weedle is of no use, so I'll use the starter Pokemon I've used exactly twice now, and the Pidghey I caught YESTERDAY and have absolutely no aquaintence or battle dynamic with... This can't go as well as it should.Flying types huh? Jayden thought, his face scrunching. Weedle won’t be of much help. Looks like I’ll have to use Pidgey and Cyndaquil.
Picking up one of the magazines, Jayden sat back down and began to look through it. Most of the articles had been about Falkner and his Pokémon. On the back there was an ad for a body spray called Sky. In the ad was Falkner, his hair flipping behind him.
Yay for well written awkward silences!“Yeah,” the man answered, “two kids.”
“Good, good.” The boy looked around the elevator, whistling so he could break the silence.
“Is this your first gym battle?” the man asked, coming off just as awkward as Jayden.
Gym battle: Well versed. Could use a little general improvement here and there in charactering the Pokemon, but it's a good match. For example though: Soem cockiness out of Pidgeotto would be nice, and Weedle ought o be either extrmeely scared or fakind confidence, or something, and probably respondiing to Pidgeotto like he would in the wild. Tieing them up is probably close to right for that though, but regardless, based on how the soty handles Weedle, we've seen little training out of him, other than Ledyba, and little work with the gym types.
One point of retcon though, didn't Kaylie tell him back in Cherrygrove that Falkner was into the flyers? Didn't HE say that Ledyba and WEeedle wouldn't be much help there, and someone said "all I see are Rattata, Caterpie, and Weedle, all food for flying types. So seeing Jayden go up to the counter to find out what Pokemon they used was a bit like you forgot a part you already told us. Far as introucing Falknerr that way, Jayden can still go up and study the picture as a nervous habit.
Sign of a good writer, you drop clues to parts of the story in previous chapters and then make them matter. Good for you. Maybe a little longer wait for some of them though than the next chapter, I like having strange seemingly pointless tangents in my hand, and then finding out what the author plans to do with them.“That woman, Lillian Sector, is my mother!”