I was able to visualize that really well. Treating the chaos like an unformed, shadowy monster. I liked itThe crowds formed into a confused, scared mob, all trying to get away from something they couldn’t see.
Felt like that was a big missed opportunity for some description. To me, Tyranitar has always been so ferocious and imposing that it deserves some real attention. I know this is the same Pokemon from earlier in the story, but as a reader you sometimes lose track of how in depth you get with descriptions and I feel like if you described it a bit more, it would go a long wayLaunching it into a crowd, a large, green dinosaur-like Pokémon appeared, emitting a loud roar
I don't know what you're feelings are on using swear words, but I felt like using a curse word of your choice could have added a little bit more power. You dig?“You’re still hanging out with these losers?” he said condescendingly.
I feel like that would flow better if there was a comma after 'lie'“I don’t lie little girl
I feel like that clears stuff up about the person, but that explanation seems a little bit too broad and revealing for a first time meet“I’m a former admirer of a Team Lustrous Executive. When they failed and became trash, I stopped following them. I’m talking about Lillian Sector.”
The word 'greatly' threw me off on the sentence since it was used so frequently in the same sentenceIt greatly resembled Houndoom greatly,
That, good sir, is a battle scene. It was to the point, quick paced, and very visual. That's the sort of stuff I want to see. Awesome jobSmall flames began to gather in Houndour’s mouth, a smirk appearing on the pup’s face. Beedrill swiftly flew side to side towards his opponent, his movement hard to make out. Just before Houndour could unleash his blaze, Beedrill stabbed at him with one of his large barbs. Barely dodging, Houndour opened his mouth once more only to be met with the other barb. Sliding back, Houndour squealed in pain, growling at Beedrill. Unleashing a barrage of fireballs, Houndour leapt forward, pouncing at Beedrill, but the wasp was too quick. Swiftly dodging Houndour’s assault, Beedrill began his own, thrusting his stingers into Houndour’s side repeatedly.
I feel like you could add a bit more power to that statement if you take the name lillian out. Obviously we know who he's talking about since he's addressing Jayden. Makes it sound more mysterious and dangerous if you leave it out. Make sense?You look just like your mother, Lillian.”
I enjoyed the fast pace of this chapter. Nicely done buddy. I'm eager for the next installment