Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 35

Thread: The Fourth Hope (A Warriors/Pokemon Crossover)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default The Fourth Hope (A Warriors/Pokemon Crossover)

    Yo. It's me, Winter. This is not my first fanfic, but this is my first fanfic involving Pokemon. If you haven't read the third or fourth Warriors series, you might want to, because this does have slight spoilers for those series. It'll be rated PG-13, so here we go...

    Chapter List:
    Prolouge (on this page)
    Chapter 1 (on this page)
    Chapter 2 (on page 2)
    Chapter 3 (on page 2)

    PM List:

    00poke_maniac
    StarMasterWarrior
    GastlyMan
    Articuno_rocks
    ninetales012
    Shadestorm
    leafstormfire

        Spoiler:- Alligences:

    ţrđlđgµę



    The forest was completely silent. The trees seemed to glimmer in the moon, and stars almost looked as if they littered the ground. A sparrow flew overhead silently. All was peaceful.

    Suddenly, a loud screeching broke out further in the woods. A flame colored tom, his vibrant eyes shining, was yowling in surprise at a tortoiseshell she-cat, whose pelt was shimmering and flickering, almost as if it was see-through.

    "What do you mean, the Three isn't actually three cats! Are you really saying that they're four... cat-like creatures living in an alternate universe?" The tom had shock and anger plastered across his face. The star that glimmered faintly on his chest seemed to burn with rage and confusion.

    "Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit were supposed to be the three, yes, I admit that, Firestar. Us StarClan cats were not able to see the truth until a stranger came, a stranger who knew things that not even Thunder, Wind, River, Sky, and Shadow knew," the she-cat's voice was calm and collected, as if announcing news like this was a secondhand nature to her. She glanced at the edge of the clearing the two cats were speaking in, almost as if she was watching for someone.

    "Could... you at least show me them? The real four, before you bring them here?" Firestar's voice quavered, almost as if the tom dreaded the answer, even if it was a "Yes I can." Firestar was furious and confused, and he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding it. He wanted to know things. Why had StarClan made the fluke? Where did StarClan hear about the truth? Why did Spottedleaf seem so comfortable talking about the subject?

    Spottedleaf, with a flick of her tail, caught Firestar's attention. She started padding off, and the tom followed quickly. Eventually, the two reached a star-filled pool.

    "Let's see...," Spottedleaf waved her paw over the pool of water, and a blurry image started to appear in the water. It took time, yes, but finally Firestar could see the first of the four. The cat looked normal enough at first glance, as he had a cream-colored body, small, black, catlike eyes, and brown paws and a tail. Firestar soon realized, though, that this tom was unusual. The eyes were not black, like Firestar had thought, but were completely white, except for the narrowest pupil ever that barley showed in the cat's eyes. The cat's back paws were also the only ones that were brown, minus the tail, and the tail seemed to be curly.

    The thing that interested Firestar the most, though, was the fact that this cat had black ears, which seemed entirely out of place, and only four whiskers. The whiskers were thicker than normal, and they were the same color as the cat's pelt. However, the thing that made Firestar blink a few times in confusion was the shiny oval-shaped thing that was smack-dab in the middle of the top of the cat's head. Two of the strange whiskers were on either side.

    "This is Claws. He is a Meowth. Claws is very unpredictable-" Spottedleaf stopped almost instantly after looking at Firestar's gaping face.

    "What?! A Meowth? What in Bluestar's name is a Meowth?!" The words came out much louder than Firestar had expected, and Spottedleaf jumped back a badger-length in surprise.

    "Firestar, I don't know. If you really want to know, ask the odd cat who told us all this in the first place," Spottedleaf seemed to have an odd mixture of shock and bitterness in her voice. Firestar had never heard Spottedleaf sound like that, and is slightly concerned him. His whiskers twitched ever-so-slightly, and he stared straight into the pool. The tom was sleeping, curled up in a tight ball at the moment. He seemed to be in a forest that looked like ThunderClan territory. In fact...

    "Spottedleaf! Don't tell me that you're sending the cats as soon as you're showing to me!" Firestar sounded worried, "How will I prepare the clan?"

    Spottedleaf remained silent, and just waved her paw over the water once more. The shape changed, and blurred. Firestar felt a little dizzy watching it, until a new image appeared on the pond.

    If Claws was odd, than this cat was odder. She was much smaller than the Meowth, but that wasn't what struck Firestar. What struck him was that the cat was almost covered in pink. Only the underbelly and part of the face weren't, they were tan in color. The cat's eyes were shut, and they seemed to curve downward. The insides of her ears were... purple?

    The cat's tail was extremely thin, except for at the end, where it burst out into a flower-shaped thing. Three tiny balls were connected to the points, and like the main part of the tail, the connectors were thin. Her paws looked small and round, but Firestar could still see tiny black claws in the paws. On the tan part of her head was a small oval of pink. The ears of the cat ended in small tufts.

    "This is Decat. She's the only girl of the Four, but she isn't fazed by that. She's a Skitty," Spottedleaf waved her paw over the water, and suddenly, the Skitty was sitting next to Claws, and she was sleeping as well.

    "You mean that all of these cats know each other?" Firestar had a curious look spread across his face. He was pretty sure that they did, but he wasn't certain.

    "Yes, Firestar, they all know each other. I'm surprised you didn't pick that up," Spottedleaf's gaze narrowed. "Anyhow, onto the third one...."

    Once again, Spottedleaf waved her paw over the pond, and another cat appeared. This one looked much more like a normal cat. He was grey in color, and his neck and paw fur was fluffy. The tips of her ears and paws were white, and so was his muzzle. He had yellow eyes with blue pupils. He had an extremely long tail, and it was curled up in the shape of a shell. At the end of the tail was a huge white fluff of fur, almost like a rabbit's tail. He, unlike Decat (who had no whiskers) had four normal looking ones in total.

    "This is Grey. He is the oldest one of the group, even though he is eight moons old," Spottedleaf once again waved her paw over the water, and Decat and Claws were joined by Grey.

    "Now for the last one...," Spottedleaf waved her paw for the almost-to-last time, and a new figure appeared. This one seemed different from the rest, as if a dark aura surrounded him. His fur was a dark purple, and his ears were tufty. His cheekfur tufted out as well. His muzzle was tan. His body was almost completely the same shade of purple, but the tops of his front legs were tan, and his back paws were tan as well.

    He also had some tan chest fur, and his back had a bit of the tan fur as well. His tail seemed completely normal, but it hooked into... well, a hook at the end. His eyes were green, and two spots of purple were above the eyes. Two miniscule tan ovals were near the pink fur. Fire star stared at the cat, and he felt a feeling of dread shiver through his body.

    "This is Dusk. He is the youngest of the group, at six moons," Spottedleaf looked at Firestar and saw the look on his face, felt the dread. "Dusk is... different. At least, more different than the others."

    "When I take them into ThunderClan, I have to, right?" Firestar looked at Spottedleaf, and she nodded, " Well, when I do, should they become apprentices?"

    Spottedleaf nodded, "Yes. Claws will become Clawpaw, Decat will be Fluffpaw, Grey will be Greypaw, and Dusk will be Darkpaw."

    "What about mentors?" Firestar kept the question short and curt.

    "That is for you to decide. And Firestar, it is time to wake up. Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit are ready for their apprentice ceremonies," Spottedleaf padded up to Firestar, and the two cats touched noses. The star on the orange tom's chest flared for a second, and he vanished into the waking world.

    The starry forest became peaceful once again.

    Author's Notes 2: Not my best work, I know.

    Major Events
    •Spottedleaf tells Firestar that the Three aren't who he thinks they are.
    •Spottedleaf shows Firestar the real Four, and sends them to ThunderClan. They are a Meowth, Skitty, Glameow, and Purrloin.
    •Firestar wakes from his dream, going back to the real world.

    Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up by next week.
    Last edited by wιɴтerвreezeѕrυle; 7th May 2012 at 2:09 AM.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    House Laurent, Demacia
    Posts
    350

    Default

    Hmm.... interesting change of events there. PM list. :3


    Shadow Stars League Normal Gym Leader
    Starstrike Badge Credit to FairyWitch to this great badge!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by StarMasterWarrior View Post
    Hmm.... interesting change of events there. PM list. :3
    I shall add you. And by "interesting change of events", what events do you mean? All of them?

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    House Laurent, Demacia
    Posts
    350

    Default

    No, I mean, how that Pokemon came into the Warriors world.


    Shadow Stars League Normal Gym Leader
    Starstrike Badge Credit to FairyWitch to this great badge!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Oklahoma
    Posts
    61

    Default

    I love this so far. A few typos, but oh, well. I shall be watching this.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    389

    Default

    Definitely an original, creative idea. It should be interesting to see how the Pokemon hunt and battle - it seems as though they'll be at a huge advantage due to the fact that they can use attacks.

    Also -
    The star on the orange Tom's chest flared for a second, and he vanished into the waking world.
    Technically, you shouldn't capitalize "Tom" - it's not a proper noun. I see you didn't make this mistake anywhere else, so I'll assume it's just a typo. :3

    At any rate, could you add me to the PM list, please?
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Technically, you shouldn't capitalize "Tom" - it's not a proper noun. I see you didn't make this mistake anywhere else, so I'll assume it's just a typo. :3

    At any rate, could you add me to the PM list, please?
    Yeah, capitalizing "Tom" was a mistake. I'll fix it.

    And sure, I'll add you to the PM list.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    House Laurent, Demacia
    Posts
    350

    Default

    Why u no add me to pm list


    Shadow Stars League Normal Gym Leader
    Starstrike Badge Credit to FairyWitch to this great badge!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by StarMasterWarrior View Post
    Why u no add me to pm list
    I added you -_-'.

    Anyhow, I'm sorry for the delay on Chapter 1, but I haven't had much time to write. It will hopefully, and I'm stressing on that, hopefully be up by Monday. Sorry about any further delays.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Not really here
    Posts
    622

    Default

    Hi Winter! I remember you from the Warriors Fanclub... I know I left the club, but I still love Warriors and cats (it's just that I haven't read the newer books like Crookedstar's Promise).

    Okay, you should probably grab yourself some cookies, because this will be a rather long review with both criticism and praise. I'm not sure if you've received this kind of review before, so please take my criticisms as ways to improve your writing. Ready, set, go.

    <><><>

    Generally speaking, your grammar and wording could use a bit of work, but I really like the whole idea behind the story (as well as the plot). The idea of sending cat Pokemon to ThunderClan is a really great and interesting idea - it honestly makes the reader wonder how the Pokemon will fare in the clan with their powers and all. Also, why didn't StarClan tell Firestar that Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit weren't the real Three in the beginning? I wonder about that, and that's good.

    I also like how there was a HUGE twist in the Warriors plot - who would expect that poor Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit weren't the real deal? Great job.

    Another thing I like about the Prologue is that it was written the way a prologue should be written. It introduces the reader to the main characters but doesn't focus on them, and it really hooks up the reader so that he/she will want to read the rest of the story.

    Now, on to the specifics...

    <><><>

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule View Post
    The forest was silent, completely and totally. The trees seemed to glimmer in the moon, and stars almost looked as if they littered the ground. A sparrow flew overhead silently. All was peaceful.
    Hmm... I would suggest the following changes to make your writing sound more professional and authorlike:

    The forest was completely silent. The trees seemed to glimmer in the moon, and stars almost looked as if they littered the ground. A sparrow flew overhead silently, and all was peaceful.
    Changes in bold. "Completely and totally" sounds a bit redundant, because the two words mean the same thing. To make the paragraph flow better, I'd suggest combining the last two sentences.

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule View Post
    The tom had shock and anger plastered across his face. The star that glimmered faintly on his chest seemed to burn with rage and confusion.
    Hmm... this part confused me a bit. Is Firestar dead? xP

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule View Post
    "Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit were supposed to be the three, yes, I admit that, Firestar. Us StarClan cats were not able to see the truth until a stranger came, a stranger who knew things that not even Thunder, Wind, River, Sky, and Shadow knew,"
    I think "Us StarClan cats" should be "We StarClan cats", but I'm not too sure about that. xP Also, this paragraph really builds suspense. It makes the reader wonder who this mysterious stranger is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule View Post
    "Let's see...," Spottedleaf waved her paw over the pool of water, and a blurry image started to appear in the water. It took time, yes, but finally Firestar could see the first of the four. The cat looked normal enough at first glance, as he had a cream-colored body, small, black, catlike eyes, and brown paws and a tail. Firestar soon realized, though, that this tom was unusual. The eyes were not black, like Firestar had thought, but were completely white, except for the narrowest pupil ever that barley showed in the cat's eyes. The cat's back paws were also the only ones that were brown, minus the tail, and the tail seemed to be curly. The thing that interested Firestar the most, though, was the fact that this cat had black ears, which seemed entirely out of place, and only four whiskers. The whiskers were thicker than normal, and they were the same color as the cat's pelt. However, the thing that made Firestar blink a few times in confusion was the shiny oval-shaped thing that was smack-dab in the middle of the top of the cat's head. Two of the strange whiskers were on either side.

    "This is Claws. He is a Meowth. Claws is very unpredictible-" Spottedleaf stopped almost instantly after looking at Firestar's gaping face.

    "What?! A Meowth? What in Bluestar's name is a Meowth?!" The words came out much louder than Firestar had expected, and Spottedleaf jumped back a badger-legnth in surprise.
    First off, Firestar's reactions to the Pokemon were all hilarious. However, there is one thing that bugs me a little - the description of Meowth, and all the cat Pokemon in fact. It's pretty irritating to read a huge block of text, so I suggest breaking up the description into two or more paragraphs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule View Post
    "This is Dusk. He is the youngest of the group, at six moons," Spottedleaf looked at Firestar and saw the look on his face, felt the dread. "Dusk is... different. At least, more different than the others."
    I'm liking Dusk already, because Purrloin is my favorite cat Pokemon. The only thing is, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a Tigerstar. He can be weird and mysterious - in fact, it would be nice if he were - but I really don't like the stereotype that all Dark-type Pokemon are evil, just like how I don't like the stereotype that all ShadowClan cats are heartless and vicious.

    <><><>

    Overall, this is pretty good, but I'd suggest adding more descriptive words and not writing in text blocks. Can you please add me to the PM list? I'd love to keep up with this awesome crossover fic.

    ~ Arti
    I derp.

    "Don't take chances! Don't make mistakes! But get Messi, definitely get Messi!" - If Joachim Loew quoted Ms. Frizzle

    Quote Originally Posted by American--Pi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Taavetti View Post
    Out of the three, I'd marry the soccer ball.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    Hi Winter! I remember you from the Warriors Fanclub... I know I left the club, but I still love Warriors and cats (it's just that I haven't read the newer books like Crookedstar's Promise).

    Okay, you should probably grab yourself some cookies, because this will be a rather long review with both criticism and praise. I'm not sure if you've received this kind of review before, so please take my criticisms as ways to improve your writing. Ready, set, go.

    <><><>

    Generally speaking, your grammar and wording could use a bit of work, but I really like the whole idea behind the story (as well as the plot). The idea of sending cat Pokemon to ThunderClan is a really great and interesting idea - it honestly makes the reader wonder how the Pokemon will fare in the clan with their powers and all. Also, why didn't StarClan tell Firestar that Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit weren't the real Three in the beginning? I wonder about that, and that's good.

    I also like how there was a HUGE twist in the Warriors plot - who would expect that poor Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit weren't the real deal? Great job.

    Another thing I like about the Prologue is that it was written the way a prologue should be written. It introduces the reader to the main characters but doesn't focus on them, and it really hooks up the reader so that he/she will want to read the rest of the story.

    Now, on to the specifics...

    <><><>



    Hmm... I would suggest the following changes to make your writing sound more professional and authorlike:



    Changes in bold. "Completely and totally" sounds a bit redundant, because the two words mean the same thing. To make the paragraph flow better, I'd suggest combining the last two sentences.



    Hmm... this part confused me a bit. Is Firestar dead? xP



    I think "Us StarClan cats" should be "We StarClan cats", but I'm not too sure about that. xP Also, this paragraph really builds suspense. It makes the reader wonder who this mysterious stranger is.



    First off, Firestar's reactions to the Pokemon were all hilarious. However, there is one thing that bugs me a little - the description of Meowth, and all the cat Pokemon in fact. It's pretty irritating to read a huge block of text, so I suggest breaking up the description into two or more paragraphs.



    I'm liking Dusk already, because Purrloin is my favorite cat Pokemon. The only thing is, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a Tigerstar. He can be weird and mysterious - in fact, it would be nice if he were - but I really don't like the stereotype that all Dark-type Pokemon are evil, just like how I don't like the stereotype that all ShadowClan cats are heartless and vicious.

    <><><>

    Overall, this is pretty good, but I'd suggest adding more descriptive words and not writing in text blocks. Can you please add me to the PM list? I'd love to keep up with this awesome crossover fic.

    ~ Arti
    Wow, my first review! I'm so happy!

    Yes, I know that the prolouge didn't have the best of grammar, but I typed it up on my tablet. I know that I must have made some mistakes. I'll take what you had in mind, and I'll make a few changes/keep the things in mind you talked about.

    And sure, I'll add you to the PM list.

    ~Winter

    (And PS, the thing about Firestar- I sorta envision leaders with stars on their chests. I decided that a leader, when visiting StarClan, has a faint star on their chest.)
    Last edited by wιɴтerвreezeѕrυle; 19th February 2012 at 4:12 AM.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    The Digital World
    Posts
    127

    Default

    Cool. I really liked it. It's a masterpiece!

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Author’s Notes: I finally finished Chapter 1! Yay! I’ve decided that chapters will go up every other week, instead of every week. This is mainly because I don’t have enough time to write an entire chapter in a week. This chapter is shorter than my others will be, because it is rushed.

    The next chapter will have lots of action in it, whereas this one is quite boring. Sorry about that.

    Anyhow, here we go…


    Çhĺţ†ęr ą

    I felt a claw jab into my back. It was sharp, but it wasn’t that painful. It was enough to get me awake, though. My eyes flew open, and they stared right into the face of a black cat, whose green eyes startled me. I slowly got up, and looked around.

    I was in some forest of sorts, almost like the Pinwheel Forest. I knew it wasn’t my home, though, because none of the scents were familiar. There were trees everywhere, and there wasn’t much sunlight shining though the branches. It wasn’t too bright, though, because the sun was low in the sky.

    It was light enough, though, that I could see my “attacker.” It was a small she-cat, so I guessed that she was about my age, or younger, who looked so excited that she was about to burst out of her fur.

    “Brackenfur! I found an intruder! In fact, I found lots of intruders!” The she-cat was literately bouncing up and down, which I didn’t think was possible.

    “I’m coming Hollypaw…,” the voice echoed from the right, and I couldn’t see the speaker. I could tell from the voice that it was a tom, and that he was much older than this cat, who I guessed was Hollypaw.

    Finally, a tom padded into the clearing that I was in. I could see why his name was “Brackenfur,” because his fur was the color of bracken. He padded up to Hollypaw, and then looked at me.

    His look started to make me feel uncomfortable, as if I shouldn’t have been there. I turned away, trying to get out of his line of vision. As I turned, though, I saw my friends, Claws, Decat, and Grey.

    This caused me to sigh with relief. I didn’t want to be left alone in this strange forest, and my friends would comfort me.

    I turned back around to face the tom, a newfound courage running though my body. Seeing my friends made me feel as if I could do anything, so I decided to speak, “Hello.”

    I guess the tom was surprised that I could talk, because his face had the emotion written all over it. He then proceeded to ask me, “Why are you in ThunderClan territory?”

    “ThunderClan?” I tipped my head, “What’s ThunderClan?”

    “It’s where you are now, silly!” Hollypaw giggled a bit.

    I growled, which must have startled the she-cat, for she stopped almost instantly. Brakenfur then looked behind me and saw my friends, “Who are your friends?”

    “Oh, these guys. This is Claws, this is Decat, and this is Grey. I’m Dusk,” I pointed to each of my friends as I said their name.

    “I’ve been instructed to take any intruders that I find to camp,” Brakenfur padded closer to me, “so if you could rouse your friends, we could be on our merry way.”

    I blinked with surprise; I had no intention to go anywhere until my friends and I found out how we got here, to this place. Even then, this tom looked powerful, and I could tell he had a lot of experience. I didn’t want to risk getting into a fight, because things could get ugly. I decided to wake my friends.

    I went after Claws first, because he was most likely to remember how we got here. Back home, many Pokemon would ask us where they were—Pinwheel Forest was a very confusing place—and Claws could usually point the confused Pokemon out. He had a memory like an Alakazam was smart, so if any of my friends knew anything, it would be Claws.

    I padded up to Claws and started to shake him with my front paws, saying, “Claws! Get up!” I eventually was able to wake him. He stretched for a moment, and then got onto his four paws. He looked around, still tired.

    “Dusk? Is that you?” He finally looked at me, and he sounded pretty confused, “I—How did we get here?”

    I sighed, “I was hoping to ask you that. This is Brakenfur and Hollypaw. They’re taking us to their camp.”

    “Joy,” Claws mewed sarcastically, and then he turned to face Decat and Grey, “Should we wake them?”

    “We have to,” I shrugged, and then padded over to Decat, whereas Claws padded over to Grey. I knew that I should be the one to wake Decat, because she was the “calm and collected one.” If she just woke up on her own, she would have a spasm and add more trauma to her long list of things she was terrified of. I shook her very gently, and in my softest voice I spoke, “Decat? Decat; it’s time to get up.”

    Decat slowly got to her paws. I never really did understand how a Skitty could see, because their eyes always seemed to be closed. Even then, I saw her get to her paws. And then she had a spasm. She started to flail around.

    I was very embarrassed at this moment. I licked my chest fur quickly, and touched Decat on the head, “Decat, calm down. We’re not going to get hurt. There are no trainers around.”

    Slowly, but surely, Decat began to calm down. By this time, Grey was up. He had rolled his eyes at first when Decat was spazzing, but by the time she was finished, he spoke sarcastically, “Are you finished?”

    “Grey, I’d really like you not to try my temper right now,” his sarcasm always irked me, but since we were in this strange place, I really wanted us to stick together until we found out what had happened. I didn’t want us to get into fights.

    “Well, sorry!” Grey flicked his tail, “By the way, where in Arceuses name are we?”

    “I don’t know, exactly. This cat says that we’re in a place called ThunderClan territory, and that we need to go to their camp,” I pointed my paw at Brakenfur.

    Hollypaw padded closer to us, than sat, saying: “You know, you guys talk funny. You also look funny.”

    “You sound British,” Grey struck back. I sighed, knowing that to this cat, we would sound Unovian. It left us with a very different accent than those of British Pokemon. I was pretty sure that we weren’t in the U.K., because cats knew what Pokemon were there.

    “British? What’s that mean?” Hollypaw tipped her head, and I then knew that we were definitely not in the U.K. that I knew about.

    Brakenfur then turned, and flicked his tail, “Follow me.” He started to walk off into the depths of the forest. I quickly ran to be behind him, and Claws, Decat, Grey, and Hollypaw followed, and we got into a line. Hollypaw ran ahead of me and my friends and stopped when she was in the same place in the line as Brakenfur. I guess she thought she was more important than the rest of us, so she deserved to be next to the biggest cat.

    “There’s something I don’t like about the first one…,” I guess Hollypaw didn’t want me to hear it, but I did, and my ears perked, “He seems… dark.”

    Hey, it isn’t my fault. I’m a Dark-typed Pokemon. My friends were used to it. Why couldn’t she?



    I don’t know how many trees we walked by when we reached the cats camp. It was a stone hollow in the ground, and by the looks of it, it had been carved out by humans. We walked down the slope that led into the camp.

    There were dens at the bottom of the hollow, and I guessed that they were the places that the cats slept. Not many cats were actually in the hollow, but there were a lot of scents. I followed Brakenfur until he stopped in front a dark-brown tabby tom with amber eyes.

    “Brambleclaw. I found these intruders in our territory. You know what Firestar said,” Brakenfur stated. “He needs to see all intruders.”

    Brambleclaw sighed, and meowed, “Firestar’s out hunting. You’ll need to wait.”

    This angered me, because I wanted to talk to this leader. He might be able to tell me and my friends how we could get back. He sounded like a pretty powerful cat.

    While I was waiting, a crowd of cats started to gather around. A few stuck out at me; the cream-colored she-cat who looked so scared that saying “Boo” would kill her, a white she-cat that had ginger patches whose face was missing and eye and an ear—most likely battle scars—, and three cats sitting close together, who looked about our age. One of them was Hollypaw, and she was sitting beside two toms: one with a golden pelt and amber eyes, and the other a grey tabby with blind-looking blue eyes.

    One of the cats from the crowd padded up to me. She seemed terrified as she touched me with her paw. She then raced back to a grey and white tom.

    “I touched it! You owe me!” she was shaking, as if she had just escaped from a life-or-death situation.

    “Fine, fine. I’ll…,” I didn’t hear what the tom said next, because that was when a tom with a pelt like flame padded into the camp. He pushed himself through the crowd and put a huge squirrel he was carrying into a pile of other squirrels, mice, voles, and other small creatures.

    He then caught sight of me and my friends, and stiffened. The look in his eyes told me that he was remembering something disturbing, something that he would have rather never happened. He then walked right past me and my friends, and leaped up onto a ledge in the side of the hollow.

    “All cats old enough to catch their own prey come join me at the Highledge for a Clan meeting!” the tom’s voice resounded throughout the clearing, and almost instantly, the group of cats padded to a spot beneath the ledge. I followed, urging Decat, who was frozen, to follow. Grey and Claws were already there.

    I had to basically drag Decat to the group of cats. I got a few stares, but I ignored them. Finally, the ginger tom spoke, “ThunderClan, I have some news. These cats were sent by StarClan to us. We will welcome them into our Clan.” He gestured at me and my friends.

    Shock appeared on my friends’ faces, and I have to admit that I was pretty shocked too. What was StarClan? Why had they sent us here? The cats in the crowd seemed confused too, because murmurs were floating around.

    Finally, a white tom with an extremely fluffy pelt spoke up, “What do you mean, ‘Sent by StarClan’? Firestar, why would StarClan send us these cats?”

    Firestar sighed, and he faced the tom, “I don’t know, Cloudtail. StarClan came to me in a vision, and showed me them. They told me to let them into the Clan.” He then pointed at us, “Claws, Decat, Grey, and Dusk, come forward.”

    Afraid of what would happen to us if we didn’t, I padded up first, soon followed by my friends. The tom gestured for us to jump onto the ledge, so we did. He then turned to face the crowd.

    “You are all around the age of six moons, so we will make you into apprentices,” Firestar stared to say. “Brook, Stormfur, Greystripe, and Millie, would you please come forward?”

    A mutter from the crowd rose up, “Figures. Have loners teach loners.”

    Firestar fixed the speaker a killer stare, “Thornclaw, would you like to be in Greystripe’s position right now? How about Stormfur’s?”

    The speaker shrunk back into the crowd, and the four cats whose names Firestar had called out jumped up onto the ledge. It was now crowded, so crowded that if another cat jumped up onto the ledge it would be too full.

    Firestar first turned to Claws, “Claws, from this day onward you shall be known as Clawpaw. StarClan honors you,” he then turned to one of the cats, “Greystripe, you have recently rejoined ThunderClan from a long journey. I shall give you Clawpaw as your apprentice, so that you may sharpen your skills.”

    Greystripe padded up to Clawpaw, and muttered something into his ear. The two then touched noses, and leapt down from the ledge. Firestar then turned to Decat, “Decat, from this day onward you shall be known as Fluffpaw. StarClan honors you.” He then turned to another one of the cats.

    “Stormfur, I know that you were originally of RiverClan, and by taking on an apprentice you shall be able to prove your worth as a ThunderClan warrior. You shall take on Fluffpaw as an apprentice.” Fluffpaw timidly padded up to Stormfur and they touched noses. They then jumped from the ledge.

    Firestar looked at Grey now, “Grey, from this day onward you shall be known as Greypaw. StarClan honors you.” He turned to face the brown she-cat, “Brook, you were also previously part of another group of cats, The Tribe of Rushing Water. You had to leave with Stormfur for reasons we know not of. By taking on an apprentice, you shall learn, just like your apprentice shall. You shall be mentor to Greypaw.”

    Brook padded up to Greypaw, they touched noses, and leaped off the ledge. That left me, Firestar, and the cat who I guessed was Millie. Firestar faced me, and I swear that he shuddered for a second before speaking, “Dusk, from this day onward you shall be known as Darkpaw. StarClan honors you.”

    He then faced Millie, “Millie, you have also recently joined ThunderClan. Unlike the cats before you, though, you only have the knowledge of a Clan cat. Darkpaw shall be your apprentice, so that you can both learn.”

    I padded up to Millie, and we touched noses. She whispered in my ear: “You’ll do fine, Darkpaw.” We then leaped down from the ledge.

    “Clawpaw! Fluffpaw! Greypaw! Darkpaw!” the clan called out our names, and I felt proud. I didn’t know why, but adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I felt as if I could do anything. The excitement was so great, and I felt amazing.

    After the yelling died, Firestar yowled over the cats, “I have one last announcement. Millie and Brook, would you please come forward?” The two she-cats looked at each other, confused, but leaped back up onto the ledge.

    “Since you two have decided to stay in ThunderClan, you should receive warrior names. Brook, I take your name from you now. Your new name shall be Brooknose. StarClan honors your courage and loyalty,” Firestar stated.

    Brooknose blinked with surprise, almost as if she didn’t expect that she would be accepted into the Clan, but then nodded, “Thank you, Firestar. I will try to prove myself in this Clan.” She then leaped down from the ledge.

    “Mille, you came to this clan as a former kittypet. I know the pain of having to switch your roles, and leave behind your housefolk. I in fact had to go through changes like this. You, however, have shown your worth, and you are ready to receive a warrior name. Millie, I take your name from you. From this day forward, you shall be known as Silverwing. StarClan honors you for your truth and spirit.”

    As Firestar spoke Silverwing’s new name, Greystripe’s eyes shone. I wondered why he seemed so happy. Silverwing then jumped down from the ledge and sat back next to me.

    “Brooknose! Silverwing!” the Clan yelled the cat’s new names.

    “This meeting is over,” Firestar leaped off of the ledge, and padded over to a sand-colored she-cat. The crowd dispersed, and Silverwing looked at me.

    “Well, I guess I’d better explain the basics to you. This is a Clan, a group of cats who live together and would protect each other with our lives. There are different ranks in the clan—”

    I interrupted Silverwing, “How long will this take, to explain this?”

    “Not too long, but there is going to be a lot more for you to learn after,” Silverwing took a deep breath, then began to speak, “The ranks in the clan go along like this. When a cat is first born, it is known as a kit. The last part of their name ends in kit, and the first part of their name describes them. For example, it could be Tree if they were brown, or Blue if they had blue eyes. That means that their name would be Treekit or Bluekit.

    “After the kit ages six months, or moons as it is called in this clan, the last part of their name changes to paw and they become an apprentice. So a kit called Treekit would be Treepaw, and a kit named Bluekit would be called Bluepaw. There are two types of apprentices, warrior and medicine cat apprentices.

    “Warriors are the lifeblood of the Clan. They are the hunters, and they are our defenders. Once an apprentice becomes a warrior, the last part of their name changes to a word like “claw” or “fur”. For example, Treepaw could become Treeclaw and Bluepaw could become Bluewing. They usually stay as warriors, but one might become deputy, or they might be likely to become an elder. I’ll explain those ranks later.

    “A medicine cat is the cat that takes care of the clan. They have an immense knowledge of herbs, and they also have a special connection with StarClan, our warrior ancestors. The path of a medicine cat is hard, however. You can still be an apprentice if you receive your full name, you aren’t a full one until your mentor dies. You also cannot take on a mate.

    “A deputy is a cat who is the second in command. They usually set the patrols, and take care of minor problems. A deputy keeps their name, but now receives a higher respect from the warriors. The kit of a leader is usually mentored by a deputy.

    “A leader is, well, what it sounds like. They are the leader of the clan. They make the major decisions, such as declaring war on another clan. They last part of their name changes to “star”, so Bluewing would become Bluestar. They also receive nine lives from StarClan.

    “Finally, there are elders. Elders are cats who are too old to hunt and fight. Few cats survive to this rank, but a couple do. They rest in the elders den, and share tales with kits and apprentices. Apprentices take care of their moss and ticks, “ Silverwing finally finished speaking, and my head was spinning with information. I knew that I wouldn’t have it easy at first. Come on, I could hardly keep track of all of the information. I do now know that I was sent here by some mysterious “StarClan” and that I was training to be a warrior.

    I was ready for everything.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Change of POV to Clawpaw*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    I listened in as Silverwing told Darkpaw of the rankings of the clan, and I recorded the information in my head. It was pretty handy, having a head like mine. I remembered everything I saw and heard. Sometimes I was focusing on too much, though, and I would get mind-bending headaches. I hoped that these “medicine cats” had some type of herb that would help with that.

    Greystripe then looked down at me, and asked, “Where are you from?”

    “Um… uh…,” I had no idea how to react to this statement. Would this Clan wonder what Unova was? They didn’t know what the UK was, so they probably wouldn’t.

    “Aww, don’t worry. I can trust you’re not a spy from another clan, right?” Greystripe chuckled, and shook his head, “I used to be deputy of this Clan. You wouldn’t have a finer mentor, besides Brambleclaw.”

    My eyes shone as I spoke, “Really? What happened?”

    Greystripe sighed, “Like Firestar said, I went on a long journey. The Clans used to live in a complete forest, not by a lake. The Twolegs came, though, and destroyed the forest. Cats were captured. Leafpool, our medicine cat, was captured, and I risked my life to save her. I was captured instead. Millie helped me escape the Twolegs, and we eventually found ourselves here.”

    “But why weren’t you reinstated as deputy?” I tilted my head as I asked the question.

    “Firestar and the others had already held a vigil for me,” Greystripe started. He saw the confusion on my face, and explained, “A vigil is a ceremony to honor a dead cat. When I came back, the Clan was afraid that StarClan wouldn’t accept me. They did, though. I guess they just didn’t want a deputy that knew nothing about their new home.” Greystripe sighed, but he kept his voice cheery, “Well, it doesn’t matter. I don’t mind not being deputy.”

    I could tell, however, that he did mind. He must have been a very brave cat to risk his rank in the Clan to save another cat in the Clan. I was glad he was my mentor, though.

    “When Firestar was talking about Stormfur, why did he say ‘RiverClan?’ What’s RiverClan?” I decided to ask Greystripe this, because he would be the one that would know.

    Greystripe blinked, as if he wasn’t expecting the question, then started to explain: “RiverClan is one of the four Clans of the lake. You’ve just joined ThunderClan, the Clan of the brave and powerful. The three other Clans are ShadowClan, WindClan, and of course, RiverClan.”

    Greystripe’s eyes shone as he spoke of RiverClan, and I guessed that he had some good memories of times with that Clan. I didn’t ask what the times were, though, because that might pop his happy bubble. I didn’t want to pop his happy bubble.

    Greystripe then, with a flick of his tail, padded in the direction of one of the dens, meowed the words, “Follow me.” I raced after him, and we both stopped in front of the den he had in mind.

    “This is where you’ll be staying, the apprentices den. It’s getting late, so you should find yourself a place in the den. There are so many cats in there already, you and your friends are going to even be warm in leafbare.

    I padded in, and saw that there were cats in the den. I saw Hollypaw, and I saw a bunch of other cats.

    “Hey!” Hollypaw bounded up to me, and said, “Let me introduce you to the other apprentices!”

    “Okay,” I shrugged. I guessed that I should get to know these cats, because I’d be staying with them for a while.

    There was Berrypaw, a cream colored tom, Hazelpaw, a small grey-and-white she cat, Mousepaw, a grey-and-white tom, Cinderpaw, a grey tabby she-cat, Honeypaw, a light brown tabby she-cat, Poppypaw, a tortoiseshell she-cat, and Lionpaw, a golden tabby tom with amber eyes. There was also Jaypaw, but he wasn’t in the den. He slept in the medicine cat’s den, because he was in training to become one. Jaypaw was blind, which was the reason that he was in training to be a medicine cat. Hollypaw, Lionpaw, and Jaypaw were all kin.

    By this time, Greypaw, Fluffpaw, and Darkpaw had joined me in the den. It was truly dark now, because in the time Hollypaw had explained the cats to me, the sun had set. The moon was rising, and it was almost full.

    “Do you think Firestar will let you go to the Gathering?” Lionpaw asked.

    “Gathering? What’s the Gathering?” Fluffpaw asked this nervously, as if she was expecting Lionpaw to lash out at her.

    “The Gathering is when the four Clans meet in peace and share tongues. Only a few cats get to go, though,” Lionpaw stated.

    “Firestar might let us go,” Greypaw tapped his paw, “so we can get to know the cats of other Clans.”

    “Let’s not dwell on who is going and who isn’t,” Fluffpaw mewed quietly. “We should all be focusing on getting some shut-eye.”

    “I agree entirely,” Darkpaw nodded his head.

    The other apprentices had already curled up, and a few were already sleeping. I curled up next to my friends, and let sleep overtake me.

    Author’s Notes 2: Well, interesting choice of events in this chapter. If you’re wondering how Darkpaw and the others know about animals, I have this short explanation for you. In Darkpaw’s world, Pokemon live all around the world, but other animals live in other countries such as the U.K. or America. I sorta think this is how it is in the Pokemon world because the descriptions are things such as “Flying Squirrel Pokemon.”

    Important Events in the Chapter:

    *Dusk, Claws, Decat, and Grey are found by Brakenfur and Hollypaw and are taken to ThunderClan camp.
    *Dusk, Claws, Decat, and Grey join the Clan and become apprentices.
    *Millie gets her name changed to Silverwing, and Brook gets her name changed to Brooknose.
    *Silverwing explains rankings to Darkpaw.

    Chapter 2 should be up in two weeks on Sunday. I was able to get this chapter up today because I didn’t have school.
    Last edited by wιɴтerвreezeѕrυle; 29th February 2012 at 12:11 AM.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Orre
    Posts
    1,763

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    On my computer
    Posts
    419

    Default

    I like your story a lot! Can't wait for Chapter 2!

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Secretly giving you bunny ears
    Posts
    603

    Default

    Hey, Winter. I really wanted to give this an uber grammar nazi review, but time isn't on my side. So...

    So far, your description has been decent. Most non-Warriors/Pokémon people could make sense of the scenes. The description of the four cats was excellent, with only one flaw regarding Claws, which I'll cover soon. Nice job on that.

    The plot seems a little rushed, but then again, who am I to complain when it doesn't make any difference? I don't think you're currently writing for emotional impact, anyways. Just be aware of this in later projects (should you choose to go further).

    Thy spelling and grammar is pretty good, but I've been seeing weird parts. To be covered farther below.

    Your characterization is perfectly tolerable, but lacking PRESENTED diversity. In other words, your characters probably have quite different personalities from each other, but besides Decat, they aren't acting too one-in-a-million-like. Don't worry too much over it, but know that this can and will affect how one views your story. Exceptions for this go to the stereotypes like dynamic duos and mindless drones.

    Back to the grammar and Claws's description. Here are the pointers caused by my overanalasizing. Pardon me.

    - When you have dialogue that, alone, would end in a period, the presence of a period or comma after it would depend on the following words after it. If the words after the dialogue are DIRECTLY referring to THAT sentence, how it's spoken, and/or what the (other) character(s) does/do while they're speaking (also works for "she said" and such, with another comma after it to finish off the sentence of dialogue), then you end the dialogue with a comma, then continue on. If the words after the dialogue are not directly referring to the dialogue, how it's spoken, and/or what the (other) character(s) does/do while they're speaking, then you end the dialogue with a period and have the following words be a different sentence altogether.

    - In Claws's description, you had been talking about his whiskers at one point, but stuck another part of the whiskers' description at the very end, away from the others. For the sake of organization, keep like descriptions grouped together.

    - No commas after periods. Ergo, no commas after "..."s.

    - When you have "...", whether or not it has a space after it depends on the following sentence/sentence part. If there's part of a sentence, followed by a "...", followed by the other part of the sentence, then leave no space after the "..." If you have a full sentence, then a "...", then the "..." will have a space after it before beginning the next sentence.

    Overall, you're doing pretty great. Just watch out for mistakes covered above. Keep up the fascinating work, Winter!
    ~Fact of the Whenever~
    Life gives you lemons because a large portion of humanity wasn't thankful for the grapes it already had. Please treat all fruit with respect.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Hey, Winter. I really wanted to give this an uber grammar nazi review, but time isn't on my side. So...

    So far, your description has been decent. Most non-Warriors/Pokémon people could make sense of the scenes. The description of the four cats was excellent, with only one flaw regarding Claws, which I'll cover soon. Nice job on that.
    Thank you for taking the time to write a review. Anyhow, about the descriptions, they aren't my best thing, so for you to compliment me on that pleases me.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    The plot seems a little rushed, but then again, who am I to complain when it doesn't make any difference? I don't think you're currently writing for emotional impact, anyways. Just be aware of this in later projects (should you choose to go further).
    The plot does seem rushed, but that was because I was rushed for the Prolouge and first Chapter. I've extended my time frame, so the plot will not be as rushed. Thanks for pointing that out, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Thy spelling and grammar is pretty good, but I've been seeing weird parts. To be covered farther below.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Your characterization is perfectly tolerable, but lacking PRESENTED diversity. In other words, your characters probably have quite different personalities from each other, but besides Decat, they aren't acting too one-in-a-million-like. Don't worry too much over it, but know that this can and will affect how one views your story. Exceptions for this go to the stereotypes like dynamic duos and mindless drones.
    As I go further into the plot, I'm going to show the different Pokemon's personalities, but as I said before, the most recent chapter was rushed. I basically typed and edited it all in one day, so I could make the deadline I had set for myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Back to the grammar and Claws's description. Here are the pointers caused by my overanalasizing. Pardon me.
    I shall pardon you *pardons*.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    - When you have dialogue that, alone, would end in a period, the presence of a period or comma after it would depend on the following words after it. If the words after the dialogue are DIRECTLY referring to THAT sentence, how it's spoken, and/or what the (other) character(s) does/do while they're speaking (also works for "she said" and such, with another comma after it to finish off the sentence of dialogue), then you end the dialogue with a comma, then continue on. If the words after the dialogue are not directly referring to the dialogue, how it's spoken, and/or what the (other) character(s) does/do while they're speaking, then you end the dialogue with a period and have the following words be a different sentence altogether.
    I didn't know about that rule about dialogue, I'm still sorta learning the ropes of advanced/novel writing. I'll be sure to look out for that when I continue to write. Could you give me an example, though? I'm afraid that I'm not understanding this completely, so an example would be nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    - In Claws's description, you had been talking about his whiskers at one point, but stuck another part of the whiskers' description at the very end, away from the others. For the sake of organization, keep like descriptions grouped together.
    I'm not a very organized! I will try to be more organized in descriptions. Like I said above, I'm not the best person at descriptions.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    - No commas after periods. Ergo, no commas after "..."s.

    - When you have "...", whether or not it has a space after it depends on the following sentence/sentence part. If there's part of a sentence, followed by a "...", followed by the other part of the sentence, then leave no space after the "..." If you have a full sentence, then a "...", then the "..." will have a space after it before beginning the next sentence.
    Once again, I made these mistakes because I didn't know about the rule. For these rules, however, I don't need an example, because I understand what you are explaining.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Overall, you're doing pretty great. Just watch out for mistakes covered above. Keep up the fascinating work, Winter!
    Thanks! I'm glad to know that people enjoy my writing, because the other times I posted something, no one replied, so it died. Thank you for the constructive review!

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Secretly giving you bunny ears
    Posts
    603

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Winterbreezesrule
    I didn't know about that rule about dialogue, I'm still sorta learning the ropes of advanced/novel writing. I'll be sure to look out for that when I continue to write. Could you give me an example, though? I'm afraid that I'm not understanding this completely, so an example would be nice.
    The right way

    "I like shorts," he said.

    "Not only that," she drummed her fingers on the table, "but I'm not sure that the judge will listen to somebody who ruined his car."

    The wrong way

    "It's not necessarily my fault that I'm hungry for human flesh," the alien's mood seemed to be unusually calm.
    ~Fact of the Whenever~
    Life gives you lemons because a large portion of humanity wasn't thankful for the grapes it already had. Please treat all fruit with respect.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    The right way

    "I like shorts," he said.

    "Not only that," she drummed her fingers on the table, "but I'm not sure that the judge will listen to somebody who ruined his car."

    The wrong way

    "It's not necessarily my fault that I'm hungry for human flesh," the alien's mood seemed to be unusually calm.
    Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    389

    Default

    Great chapter!

    “Brackenfur! I found an intruder! In fact, I found lots of intruders!” the she-cat was literately bouncing up and down, which I didn’t think was possible.
    Needs caps.

    I was in some forest of sorts, almost like the Pinwheel Forest. I knew it wasn’t my home, though, because none of the scents were familiar. There were trees everywhere, and there wasn’t much sunlight shining though the branches. It wasn’t too bright, though, because the sun was low in the sky.

    It was light enough, though, that I could see my “attacker.” It was a small she-cat, so I guessed that she was about my age, or younger, who looked so excited that she was about to burst out of her fur.
    It’s not really an error, but you used “though” too often imo. I don’t know; it just kinda disrupts the flow of the paragraphs.

    His look started to make me feel uncomfortable, as if I shouldn’t have been there. I turned away, trying to get out of his line of vision. As I turned, though, I saw my friends, Claws, Decat, and Grey,
    Needs to be a period.

    Decat slowly got to her paws. I never really did understand how a Skitty could see, because their eyes always seemed to be closed. Even then, I saw her get to her paws. And then she had a spasm. She started to flail around.
    Yeah, I’ve wondered that myself, lol. And then she has a spasm...awesome. XD

    It was now crowed, so crowed that if another cat jumped up onto the ledge it would be too full.
    *Crowded

    He slept in the medicine cat’s den, because he was in training to become one. Jaypaw was blind, which was the reason that he was in training to be a medicine cat.
    I’d combine these into one sentence, as it’s redundant to mention that he’s in training to become a medicine cat twice in a row. But that’s really up to you. ^_^

    Anyway, good job with illustrating how the Pokemon are adjusting to Clan life. I also like how Millie took on a Clan name. Keep up the good work!
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Great chapter!
    Thanks!


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Needs caps.
    Stupid Microsoft Word for not catching that! *throws computer at wall* I'll fix it.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    It’s not really an error, but you used “though” too often imo. I don’t know; it just kinda disrupts the flow of the paragraphs.
    Hmm... I'll keep that in mind as I continue to write.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Needs to be a period.
    Once again, Microsoft Word failed me. I shall fix.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Yeah, I’ve wondered that myself, lol. And then she has a spasm...awesome. XD
    Yeah... spasms are awesome.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    *Crowded
    MW, once again. Shalth fixeth.


    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    I’d combine these into one sentence, as it’s redundant to mention that he’s in training to become a medicine cat twice in a row. But that’s really up to you. ^_^
    I'm not going to change it, but thanks for pointing that out. I'll use a semicolon next time something like that happens.
    Quote Originally Posted by GastlyMan View Post
    Anyway, good job with illustrating how the Pokemon are adjusting to Clan life. I also like how Millie took on a Clan name. Keep up the good work!
    Thanks! It's great to know that there are people that like my writing. Reviews are great for my experience.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Not really here
    Posts
    622

    Default

    Hi Winter! Firstly, I apologize for the ridiculous lateness of this review. The whole family is moving to a new school district, so I've been VERY busy lately with helping my parents pack up. Unfortunately, I'll be quite busy during the next 2-3 weeks, so you may have to get used to later and shorter reviews from me. Sorry. But rest assured, once everything gets settled I'll post more in-depth replies.

    Overall, pretty decent first chapter. It did everything a First Chapter does - introducing the main characters, providing background on the Warrior Clans, setting the stage for the later action, etc. I especially like how Firestar appointed Graystripe, Stormfur, Brooknose and Silverwing to be the Pokecats' mentors. I also like how Brook and Millie took warrior names, because I kind of wanted them to take Warrior names in the books.

    I found it quite interesting how you switched to First-Person POV, because the Prologue was Third-Person POV. That isn't that big of a deal, though, because the POV of a story almost never changes its quality.

    However, let me give you a bit of advice: It's okay to slow down your writing.

    I understand that it's easy to feel like you have to post a new chapter once every week, once every two weeks, etc. Trust me, I've been in that rushing state before. But remember: No one's really pressuring you to get a chapter done in a certain amount of time. You are the story writer, so feel free to take as long as you want to polish up a chapter. Don't be afraid to even take several-month-long hiatuses from your fics if you feel you need a break. Readers are actually quite patient and understanding, especially if their patience and understanding is rewarded by a great chapter.

    Also: I thought the plot was a bit rushed in the first chapter, with so much going on. Silverwing telling Darkpaw all about the Warrior clans sounded a bit like... an infodump, sorry about that. I don't mind it, because I know all about Warriors, but someone who doesn't know who Warriors is might get confused. I think the information would have been better presented if Darkpaw had asked a few questions for clarification.

    Anyways, still a pretty decent first chapter, setting the stage for the upcoming action. I can't wait until Chapter 2.

    ~ Arti
    I derp.

    "Don't take chances! Don't make mistakes! But get Messi, definitely get Messi!" - If Joachim Loew quoted Ms. Frizzle

    Quote Originally Posted by American--Pi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Taavetti View Post
    Out of the three, I'd marry the soccer ball.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    Hi Winter! Firstly, I apologize for the ridiculous lateness of this review. The whole family is moving to a new school district, so I've been VERY busy lately with helping my parents pack up. Unfortunately, I'll be quite busy during the next 2-3 weeks, so you may have to get used to later and shorter reviews from me. Sorry. But rest assured, once everything gets settled I'll post more in-depth replies.
    Don't worry, I know how it is when someone moves, I moved four years ago. This is fine. Anyhow, I'm not going to be active in two weeks, for the fact that I'm going on Spring Break.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    Overall, pretty decent first chapter. It did everything a First Chapter does - introducing the main characters, providing background on the Warrior Clans, setting the stage for the later action, etc. I especially like how Firestar appointed Graystripe, Stormfur, Brooknose and Silverwing to be the Pokecats' mentors. I also like how Brook and Millie took warrior names, because I kind of wanted them to take Warrior names in the books.
    I felt as if Mille and Brook needed warrior names, because Brook is going to stay in ThunderClan, and Mille wants to fit in. Thanks for the other compliments.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    I found it quite interesting how you switched to First-Person POV, because the Prologue was Third-Person POV. That isn't that big of a deal, though, because the POV of a story almost never changes its quality.
    I'm much better at writing in first person than third person, but I wanted the prologue to be in third person so it could be a bit easier to understand. If it had been in Firestar's POV, I might have revealed too much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    However, let me give you a bit of advice: It's okay to slow down your writing.
    Slowing down my writing...my biggest foe. I'm learning, definately learning how to slow down my writing. I'm still in the process of slowing, because naturally I'm a fast person.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    I understand that it's easy to feel like you have to post a new chapter once every week, once every two weeks, etc. Trust me, I've been in that rushing state before. But remember: No one's really pressuring you to get a chapter done in a certain amount of time. You are the story writer, so feel free to take as long as you want to polish up a chapter. Don't be afraid to even take several-month-long hiatuses from your fics if you feel you need a break. Readers are actually quite patient and understanding, especially if their patience and understanding is rewarded by a great chapter.
    Yeah, I've realized that I can't make the deadline I set for myself. I have almost no free time at my house besides on the weekend, so writing an entire chapter would take a while. Thanks for understanding.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    Also: I thought the plot was a bit rushed in the first chapter, with so much going on. Silverwing telling Darkpaw all about the Warrior clans sounded a bit like... an infodump, sorry about that. I don't mind it, because I know all about Warriors, but someone who doesn't know who Warriors is might get confused. I think the information would have been better presented if Darkpaw had asked a few questions for clarification.
    Darkpaw is going to ask a whole lot of questions in the next chapter. The Pokemon were all very tired and confused, and Darkpaw is still trying to wrap his mind around the whole "new dimension" thing. He will ask Silverwing a lot of questions in the next chapter, like I said.

    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks View Post
    Anyways, still a pretty decent first chapter, setting the stage for the upcoming action. I can't wait until Chapter 2.

    ~ Arti
    Thanks! I'm glad that people enjoy my writing.
    Winter

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    :noitacoL
    Posts
    345

    Default

    haha! im likeing this fic so far! pm list me!
    Your signature contained images that were too large. Read the rules before you add anything new

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    ShadowClan
    Posts
    370

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ninetails012 View Post
    haha! im likeing this fic so far! pm list me!
    Added to the PM list.

    Glad you like it.

    I'd really love it if you gave my eggs some love, please. Could you also click on the others?

    Current FanFictions:
    The Fourth Hope: A Warriors Pokemon Crossover (latest chapter being chapter 3)
    StarCatchers (coming soon)
    Psyched latest chapter being Prologue

    Current RPGs
    Scramble (SU currently up)
    Nightmares (under construction)

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •