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Thread: Valentine's Day (Pokeshipping/Contestshipping)

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  1. #1
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    Default Valentine's Day (Pokeshipping/Contestshipping)

    Okay, for the first time in ages I'm back with another one-shot. And I don't own Pokémon this time either.

    Classic Pokeshipping, you'll see what I mean, and short but very obvious Contestshipping.

    Rated PG for innuendo.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A chance like this rarely came about, and… was she just going to throw it away?

    Gathering her courage, she closed her eyes. "Yes there was something wrong, but…"

    She touched her lips to his.

    "… I've just fixed it."

    All that was left was his response.

    "Can I have the bread rolls?"

    "Huh?" What the heck kind of response was that?

    "C'mon! You've been hogging them forever already."

    "What?" Misty growled. Suddenly the scenery around the fantasy faded, replaced instead with frantic noise of rush hour commuters, screaming babies, and the chatter of the patrons at the outdoor restaurant where she was apparently sitting.

    "You know, the basket of rolls you've been hoarding since you started watching TV?" asked an annoying familiar voice across from her.

    Darn it.

    Grunting she pushed the plate across the table. It wasn't like she was hungry anymore anyway.

    "Catherine, my beloved! For an angel like you to have descended from the heavens… Oh! My eyes aren't deserving!"

    No, she had lost her appetite a long time ago.

    She placed her head in her hands. How did she get in this situation anyway?

    ---

    "Like, baby sister, guess what?"

    "I don't care."

    The elder girl huffed. "Like, you will! Trust me."

    The younger girl snorted. "And why should I do that?"

    "Because, Misty, I, like, might have a way for you to, like, not be totally alone on Valentines Day... yanno, like, you've been for the past several years."

    Now the redhead was angry. "Look, Daisy, just because you have a bunch of guys throwing themselves at you doesn't mean anything when it comes to me! And how would you know anyway! You're not even here to know since you're out running around with your man harem!"

    The blonde shrugged. "Like, you're always here when we get back, no matter how early."

    Misty blanched. "The next day, you mean? I'm sorry that unlike some people, I actually want to wear white on my wedding day!"

    "Pfft. No one, like, pays attention to that tradition anymore anyway." Daisy rolled her eyes. "And besides... that's only if you have one."

    "Of course I will! And it'll be no thanks you!"

    "Your friends are, like, gonna be here."

    "Oh yeah! Well- Wait? What did you say?"

    Daisy smirked. "I, like, said that your friends are coming back. Of course, like, since some of them are guys, well… it's not like you could do any worse."

    Ignoring that last insult, she muttered, "You've already called them haven't you?"

    "Well duh. So, like, tell me baby sis, do you still like them younger… or is older, like, more your type now?"

    "I hate you."

    "Love ya too!"

    ---

    Ah, yes that was how she ended up at a table with a boy who was loudly slurping his fifth plate of spaghetti, and was listening to the constant background noise of...

    "But I don't even know you!"

    "But you can! Our love could be one for the ages!"

    ...desperation.

    Gee, thanks a lot Daisy.

    Turning her head, she tried to see if that movie was still on. It was utterly convenient that the restaurant was located next to an electronics store, that had all kinds of televisions on display. Even better that for Valentine's Day they had connected them to a stereo system, to entertain and entice onlookers to come in as they watch the romantic movies being played.

    "This program has been interrupted for a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. I repeat, this is only a test."

    Though it was quickly becoming obvious that today was not her day.

    "Greeeaaaat," she grumbled.

    Obviously Valentine's Day was overrated, completely and utterly overrated. Once upon a time, she had adored the holiday like young romantic she was, but now-

    "Where can he be?"

    -she was curious about the woman who stopped in front of the store.

    "He said he would be here by three…"

    She was older than Misty, but still young. Her dark eyes darted back and forth beneath her curly brown hair to various people on the side walk, looking desperately for someone.

    Despite her mood, Misty couldn't help but pity her. If she had been stood up… well no one deserved that.

    However she wasn't the only one who noticed the situation.

    "Oh hey, are you having some kind of trouble miss-Woah!"

    The asker of that question had failed to noticed the foot that had mysteriously appeared in his path.

    "OW!"

    No one desevered to be accosted while they were being stood up either.

    "I thought you said you weren't going to stop him today."

    "I said that I wouldn't stop him if he had a chance… " She glared down at the man on the ground rubbing his nose. "She's taken, Brock."

    "You sure?" he asked dubiously.

    She looked back at the woman who was sadly checking her watch, while clutching what appeared to be a locket. "Very sure."

    "Oh well, I guess… Hey! What's your name?" And he immediately jumped up and ran after his next prospect.

    She sighed. Of course, he had practically begged her for mercy when it came today, which was what he dubbed the most important day of the year. Not to mention he had went on some odd rant about how he was leaving his Croagunk at the Pokémon Center, and had bribed Professor Oak into taking Max on some kind of field trip, so she was the only one left, and could she please agree to this because he would owe her if she did.

    Hmm... That reminded her, just what kind of bribe did she want anyway?

    "Melanie!"

    Huh?

    "Oh!"

    Looking back toward the electronic store, it appeared as if the woman was waving at a man who was racing through the crowd to get to her. When he finally made it, he swept her up in a embrace.

    "Are you alright?" he asked worriedly.

    "I'm fine." She smiled softly at him. "I'd just begun to worry about you that's all."

    "I'm sorry, so many people were trying to get on the train I got shoved out. I would have called but…"

    "I know, but the most important thing is that you're here now."

    With that their faces moved close enough to touch. Misty turned away to give them privacy, no matter how impossible it was on a public sidewalk. It felt like the least she could do.

    At least things worked out for that woman. Maybe, just maybe, chivalry wasn't dead after all…

    "Hey, could you move out of the way? You're blocking the TV."

    …though some people would never understand the concept.

    "Ash!"

    "What? I just wanna see that commercial."

    Realizing that they had an audience the couple broke apart blushing.

    "Oh I'm s-sorry," Melanie stuttered. "We'll get out of your way."

    Her companion only coughed embarrassedly before he led her across the street.

    Misty's eyes narrowed and her fingers twitched. Not that her compatriot noticed the way her eyes told tales of excruciating torture, oh no. The advertisement still had all of his attention.

    "All right! They're gonna hold special tournament in Saffron!"

    When I get my hands on him, I gonna-

    "Pika pika ka pikachupi." Pikachu, who had been happily lapping ketchup from a full size bottle until now, did notice her darkening mood however. Putting on his best pleading look, he desperately hoped she would calm down. It wouldn't do if she got them all kicked out for aggravated assault.

    Finally releasing the breath she was holding, she groaned and patted the mouse's head. "Thanks."

    "Chaaa."

    And so the next thirty minutes were about the same. Ash ordered another plate of spaghetti, Pikachu continued to enjoy ketchup, Brock was on his third marriage proposal, and Misty continued to stew.

    If something didn't happen soon, she felt like she was going to snap.

    "Hey, Misty?"

    "Hn," she grunted.

    "Um, I was kinda wondering… if… uh.. maybe…"

    "What?" she sighed.

    "Well uh, you've been sitting there awhile, and.."

    "Yeah?" This was odd. Since when was he this awkward?

    "And.. I was kinda thinking that maybe…"

    Now he had her attention. "Maybe what?"

    "Are you gonna eat that?"

    She facepalmed.

    "Well, you've just been letting it sit there… If you're not gonna eat it then…"

    Her eye twitched. "You want to steal my fettuccine?"

    "Not steal, that's why I'm asking." And he gave her an award winning grin.

    It wasn't very effective.

    Not that he would be deterred, as he gave her puppy Growlithe eyes. "I'll trade you a bread roll."

    "Knock yourself out," she grunted, sounding like she meant that literally, and shoved the plate across the table.

    He shrugged. "Told you you should have ordered the spaghetti."

    "Hn."

    "Hey, guys!"

    That shout was from a young brunette making her way between the tables to their location.

    "Sorry, I'm late. The traffic was so bad I had to take a bus. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't make it at all."

    "Hi, May."

    "Pika."

    "It's not like you've missed anything."

    Taking the last empty chair, their friend went on to explain how she had been doing on her latest journey. However during the story, Misty couldn't help but notice a strangely familiar object in May's right hand. Actually, come to think of it, the girl had been holding it ever since she arrived.

    "May, what's that?"

    "And then I was- hat?"

    "There something in your hand."

    "My hand?" She looked down and blanched, "I... uh..."

    Even Ash was curious at this point. "Is that a flower?"

    "Or a rose?" Misty clarified.

    "Um, well…" she giggled nervously. "It's kinda complicated."

    Misty raised an eyebrow. "How can it be complicated? Someone gave you a rose on Valentine's Day. There's not much else it could mean."

    "I know that, but..." she gulped. "Well… you see…"

    "Oh I know!" Ash interjected. "Was it Drew?"

    "Who?"

    "Drew's her rival. He's always doing stuff like that."

    "Oh reeeaaaally?" The redhead tried not to sound so interested, but she couldn't help it.

    "Guys!" May whined. "There's more to it than that."

    "Like what?" Misty asked curiously.

    "He really likes her Pokemon."

    "What?" Both girls blinked.

    "Yeah, he gives roses to them after a good performance." Ash then looked confused. "Though it is kinda... weird."

    "Uhh..." May sweatdropped.

    Misty pinched the bridge of her nose. Somehow she seriously doubted this guy had a fetish.

    It was at that moment some yelling off in the distance got their attention...

    "Officer Jenny, you've finally arrived! This is the east, and you are the sun! That I can only be so lucky to bask in your rays is but a gift!"

    "I've been asked by this establishment to escort you off the premises."

    "Escort? But of course! There's nothing I would love more!"

    "Riiiiiiight. Growlithe, do your thing."

    "Yeow! Don't worry Jenny! Parting is such sweet sorrow, but I shall say good bye until tomorrow!"

    May blinked. "Is that Brock?"

    Letting her head drop to the table, Misty muttered an incoherent answer.

    "Excuse me?"

    Groaning, she sat up and looked at the nervous waitress. "Yeah?"

    "Here's your bill." The girl then practically scurried away.

    Glancing at the sheet of paper, Misty saw why. "Th-three h-hundred..."

    But how? There's no way it should have been that high-

    "ASH!"

    "Uh, Misty, did I uh, forget to tell you that..." he gulped.

    "You little twerp I'm gonna-"

    "Happywhateverit'scalleddayandI'mpaying," he said in a flurry.

    "Valentine's Day, you mean?" May offered drolly.

    "Yeah, that," he chuckled, while scratching behind his neck.

    Misty relaxed and let a smirk appear on her face. "How considerate of you. So what is this? My Valentine?"

    "Uh, yeah?" He dared not disagree.

    "Okay." She smiled sweetly before waving down a waitress. "Can I have your dessert menu?"

    "Wait a minute? What are you-"

    She winked at him. "What good is a Valentine if a girl can't enjoy it, right?"

    "Wah!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So, I would have had this up yesterday, but I didn't think of how to end it until today. ^ ^ About the lack of sappy fluff... There dozens if not hundreds of fluffy sweet Valentine's Day fics out there, so I decided to rebel. XD Read and review please.
    Last edited by Yoshi-kun; 9th March 2012 at 8:47 AM.
    Finally free til the 17th
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  2. #2
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    I gotta tell you, I really ended up enjoying this quite a bit. There are a lot of laugh-worthy lines and great character moments. I like how in-character the whole thing is and the fact that you didn't feel the need to go to tremendous lengths to get SUPER, ULTRA ROMANCE in there, instead focusing on the relationships as they are and dealing with them in an authentic, yet playful way.

    I love that you included Daisy in this, but I think I've already mentioned that I love Daisy so that's no surprise. In fact, I think a double date with her along (with some studly rock star of course) would've been awesome. But for her short appearance in this, I think she makes a good impact. I love her teasing conversation with Misty and I think it's at just the right level. Mocking and arguing in the way sisters mock and argue, but you can still see that family relationship there.

    Also I thought this line "The next day, you mean? I'm sorry that unlike some people, I actually want to wear white on my wedding day!" from Misty and Daisy's response was both adorable and lol-worthy. No liasons on Cerulean Cape for anime!Misty!

    Obviously Valentine's Day was overrated, completely and utterly overrated. Once upon a time, she had adored the holiday like young romantic she was, but now-
    I like this turn from Misty. It's easy to see those sweet romantic dreams she had when she was 10 turning somewhat sour over time.

    And so the next thirty minutes were about the same. Ash ordered another plate of spaghetti, Pikachu continued to enjoy ketchup, Brock was on his third marriage proposal, and Misty continued to stew.
    Another good line with great character cues. Oh Misty, I should feel bad for you, but I keep snickering anyway. Same deal with her frustration over Ash's food fixation. I find this very cute from Ash, but clearly Misty isn't feeling the loooove.

    There are a lot of other great lines in this, but I think the winner has to be Ash's misconception that Drew was giving the roses to May's Pokemon. I loved that one.

    And I really enjoyed the ending too with Misty taking advantage and going for dessert. Goodness knows she deserves it after her day.

    So, all in all, big smile all the way through this and great character moments. You really showed you have a grasp on these characters. Also the wittiness. Gotta love the wittiness!

    I will say, however, and I spoke to you a bit about this via PM, that I think the introduction is highly confusing. ...And I think, having gone through the whole thing now, that it was written to be that way, but... I still think it's a bit of a problem. I mean, like I said, I stopped reading this fic the first time because I didn't understand what was going on, so I know you lost me as a reader initially, and that's not a good thing. It's frustrating as a reader to be thrown into an action without knowing exactly what's going on or who it's going on to. I was going through the first part like, "She? She who? He... he who? Wait... what happened? Where are we? Someone's sad, but I don't know who and have only the slighest idea why, so it's hard to be emotionally invested." And the transition to the resturaunt only left me more confused and a lot of that is because of the lack of tags on the dialogue so it's hard to know who's talking. I only really figured out what was happening after the bit with Daisy.

    And yeah, I do understand that part of that was purposeful bait-and-switch, but I don't think the pay-off is really worth it. I think that this was an effort to show the contrast of hyper romanticized fluff to reality (I assume that was the purpose of the kissing couple as well) but I don't feel like that contrast was ever realized. Both elements came off as more of a distraction to me.

    I think part of my confusion stems from the fact that this story is much more dialogue-heavy than exposition-heavy. Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of excessive description since it stops the plot. But I think making this a little more concrete and painting in a bit more of the setting and physical action would help to ground it a heck of a lot. There's a lot of free-floating dialogue without a so-and-so said on it which can make it hard to tell whose talking. A little of this is okay, particularly if there are only two character, but if it goes on too long it just gets confusing and makes it hard to picture the exchange actually taking place. I think interruptors to show a little physical acting amidst the dialogue might help a lot in this regard such as.

    Instead of:

    "Sorry, I'm late. The traffic was so bad I had to take a bus. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't make it at all."

    Maybe:

    "Sorry, I'm late," May said, squeezing past a portly waiter and over to their table. She threw a harried look over her shoulder as she smoothed down her hair with one hand, the other clutching something else by her side. "The traffic was so bad I had to take the bus. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't make it at all."

    ...Or something like that. Something that will actually embody her in the moment and give the reader more of a hint to how her dialogue is going to be delivered.

    ...I hope that makes a certain amount of sense and is helpful. All in all I really liked the fic and I thought the dialogue and characterization was quite strong. Good job with it!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    I gotta tell you, I really ended up enjoying this quite a bit. There are a lot of laugh-worthy lines and great character moments. I like how in-character the whole thing is and the fact that you didn't feel the need to go to tremendous lengths to get SUPER, ULTRA ROMANCE in there, instead focusing on the relationships as they are and dealing with them in an authentic, yet playful way.

    I love that you included Daisy in this, but I think I've already mentioned that I love Daisy so that's no surprise. In fact, I think a double date with her along (with some studly rock star of course) would've been awesome. But for her short appearance in this, I think she makes a good impact. I love her teasing conversation with Misty and I think it's at just the right level. Mocking and arguing in the way sisters mock and argue, but you can still see that family relationship there.

    Also I thought this line "The next day, you mean? I'm sorry that unlike some people, I actually want to wear white on my wedding day!" from Misty and Daisy's response was both adorable and lol-worthy. No liasons on Cerulean Cape for anime!Misty!
    Thank you, that's pretty much what I was trying to go for with this. Just having fun with the characters interacting as they are. I had to include to Daisy, I always get a kick out of the interaction between the two sisters. ^ ^ Oh gosh, I can only imagine the chaos and humor that would have happened if she if brought a rock star along for a double date. XD Believe it not that wedding dress line is kind of what inspired part of this, I've had that that scene between the two of them in mind for awhile, but I hadn't had a place to use it before now.

    I like this turn from Misty. It's easy to see those sweet romantic dreams she had when she was 10 turning somewhat sour over time.
    That's what I think too. She was fifteenish in my mind when I was writing this, at that point I think the "fairy tail" little day dreams would have worn off.



    Another good line with great character cues. Oh Misty, I should feel bad for you, but I keep snickering anyway. Same deal with her frustration over Ash's food fixation. I find this very cute from Ash, but clearly Misty isn't feeling the loooove.

    There are a lot of other great lines in this, but I think the winner has to be Ash's misconception that Drew was giving the roses to May's Pokemon. I loved that one.

    And I really enjoyed the ending too with Misty taking advantage and going for dessert. Goodness knows she deserves it after her day.

    So, all in all, big smile all the way through this and great character moments. You really showed you have a grasp on these characters. Also the wittiness. Gotta love the wittiness!
    I'm author and I enjoyed doing it to her. *is terrible* And gosh, yes, I've always wondered what Ash thinks of the roses. Honestly, I don't think I'm that far off from reality. XD Thanks again for your comments, because characterization means a lot to me.

    I will say, however, and I spoke to you a bit about this via PM, that I think the introduction is highly confusing. ...And I think, having gone through the whole thing now, that it was written to be that way, but... I still think it's a bit of a problem. I mean, like I said, I stopped reading this fic the first time because I didn't understand what was going on, so I know you lost me as a reader initially, and that's not a good thing. It's frustrating as a reader to be thrown into an action without knowing exactly what's going on or who it's going on to. I was going through the first part like, "She? She who? He... he who? Wait... what happened? Where are we? Someone's sad, but I don't know who and have only the slighest idea why, so it's hard to be emotionally invested." And the transition to the resturaunt only left me more confused and a lot of that is because of the lack of tags on the dialogue so it's hard to know who's talking. I only really figured out what was happening after the bit with Daisy.

    And yeah, I do understand that part of that was purposeful bait-and-switch, but I don't think the pay-off is really worth it. I think that this was an effort to show the contrast of hyper romanticized fluff to reality (I assume that was the purpose of the kissing couple as well) but I don't feel like that contrast was ever realized. Both elements came off as more of a distraction to me.

    I think part of my confusion stems from the fact that this story is much more dialogue-heavy than exposition-heavy. Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of excessive description since it stops the plot. But I think making this a little more concrete and painting in a bit more of the setting and physical action would help to ground it a heck of a lot. There's a lot of free-floating dialogue without a so-and-so said on it which can make it hard to tell whose talking. A little of this is okay, particularly if there are only two character, but if it goes on too long it just gets confusing and makes it hard to picture the exchange actually taking place. I think interruptors to show a little physical acting amidst the dialogue might help a lot in this regard such as.

    Instead of:

    "Sorry, I'm late. The traffic was so bad I had to take a bus. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't make it at all."

    Maybe:

    "Sorry, I'm late," May said, squeezing past a portly waiter and over to their table. She threw a harried look over her shoulder as she smoothed down her hair with one hand, the other clutching something else by her side. "The traffic was so bad I had to take the bus. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't make it at all."

    ...Or something like that. Something that will actually embody her in the moment and give the reader more of a hint to how her dialogue is going to be delivered.
    Thank you for your input. This is exactly what I needed to hear. You see this fic was kind of an experiment with how I could twist the words around to convey the double meaning I was trying to do, but I had no idea if it came across right or not. Obviously it didn't, I'll have to try to figure out how I can reword it to make the fic coherent. I probably should focus more on the main characters and make their introductions more obvious from the get go. And yes you're right about the free flowing dialog, you see the thing is before I wrote this I had read something that said that professional authors never tie their dialog to action, that it shows a lack of experience to do that. So that was the other thing I was trying out when I was writing this, and it felt weird to me to be honest. But then I would tell myself ,"No, you're trying to trying to get away from description, remember?" So there you go. Your example of May's introduction is what I normally trend towa when I'm writing. And I think I should go back to that style.

    ...I hope that makes a certain amount of sense and is helpful. All in all I really liked the fic and I thought the dialogue and characterization was quite strong. Good job with it!
    Yes, it did. You've answered questions I've had for awhile now. Maybe I get my style back now that I know what I want it to look like. But I'm glad that overall the fic was worth reading. Thank you for reviewing.
    Finally free til the 17th
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  4. #4
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    Rebellious! You go girl!

    I did expect there was going to be some slushy stuff because of the title. That's cause I associate valentines day with that sort of thing. I didn't expect the story to be so funny, and it was a pleasant surprise. I laughed when Misty mentioned Daisy's love harem.


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