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Thread: Survival Project (PG-13)

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I can't believe that I never thought of that. Wow, I think that would help me out alot. I think I'll give it a try. Thanks!



    I sure did. Actual distress from Sai, yeah I'm definitely down for that
    No problem. Also if you didn't see I reviewed your next chapter for Requiem a few days ago (I just edited a post I made before).

    And yup! I still have yet to decide a lot of things for next chapter, but hopefully it'll be up soon. :P

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  2. #27
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    Just finished reading this all, and boy, I sure am impressed.

    I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.

    I will put my thoughts on Sai behind a spoiler, because I think I know something about him.

        Spoiler:- Sai:


    All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

    All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.

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  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.
    Glad you like the characters so far. And the point of view changes. I figured that if I told this from Sai's point of view, no one could get to know the characters at all, so yeah.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Sai spoiler
    Hmm, well, I like the way you think, and you're the first person who's brought the title into consideration. I of course don't want to spoil anything, but I hope you stick around to see what I have planned for him.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

    All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.
    I'm glad you like it so much so far. I agree that the pacing is a bit much at times, and it's something I'll be focusing on more now that more things will actually be happening. Did you want to be added to a PM list or anything? Either way, thanks for reading and reviewing!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  4. #29
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    If you have a PM list, go ahead and add me. It'll help me keep up-to-date.

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    Most Recent: 18: Winter of Discontent
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 1)

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    The Victory Star of Fate


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  5. #30
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    I do indeed. Added, thanks!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  6. #31
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    If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well


    ^You ever have that moment you realize you forgot to give credit? Sorry Irra!!^

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonicwari View Post
    If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well
    Not a problem at all. Added~

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  8. #33
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    OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.

    |Pokemon Parodies|Newest Parody:"The Dog Who is Staying"|

        Spoiler:

  9. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jazz14456 View Post
    OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.
    Yay, a new reader! I'm glad you like it so far. I hope you stick around to read more, and don't be afraid to point out issues with grammar or anything else. Added you to PM list.

    Chapter 6 should be up sometime in the next few days.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  10. #35
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    "The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."
    You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?

    |Pokemon Parodies|Newest Parody:"The Dog Who is Staying"|

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  11. #36
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    Review for chapter one:

    Your opening is decent, with thoughts entirely appropriate to a sentret, regarding scent and so on. It seems a little fragmented, could perhaps have a clearer train of thought, but in a way that manages to express the confusion and regret I imagine the narrator to have.

    For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.

    The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.

    The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.

    The creepiness of the human as he grips his wrist is perfect. Fixating on the knuckles is an ideal technique to use, and it works well. I’m still holding to my psychopath theory. His dialogue is also suitably eerie, and although sentret isn’t all that shocked he understands pokémon speech, neither is the reader, so that’s fine.

    The characterisation of Senori is interesting; he – if Senori is male – knows a great deal about humans and is aware that he is too often lost in thought. The obvious inference is that he’s insatiably curious about humans, that his clan disapproves, and this is why he’s more or less okay with being captured. I approve of him not immediately accepting it and having concerns other than the human’s journey; it’s an enormous relief from typical journey fics where pokémon are only too happy to drop everything for their new master.

    After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.

    Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.

    Expect a review in equivalence to this one for every chapter with superior analysis if possible, given that I’ve written this one while quite tired.

    As you said to me, feel free to selectively ignore me, as I am not always right. And as you said to me, keep it up~

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  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jazz14456 View Post
    "The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."

    You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?
    It makes sense to me. I guess I wasn’t thinking since berries aren’t as commonly used in the fic as, you know, pokémon names. Lol. I’ll change it and keep it in mind for the future, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by unrepentantAuthor View Post
    For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.
    You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.

    The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.
    Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.

    The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.
    I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.

    After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.
    I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.

    Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.
    Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

    Thanks for reading/reviewing!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.
    I actually find this surprising. He's very interesting, and his bizarre behaviour endears him to me over any Ash-expy.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.
    Trust me, I know that feeling. Best to add a note to the beginning informing new readers of that, if you ask me, an go back to revise it after you've settled into your stride.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.
    That might be a pretty good way of making that clear, then. Senori tastes blood but doesn't particularly care because of his transient concerns. Don't worry though, I did get that he has other issues on his mind that numb the shock of Sai's appearance. I have a guess as to what, but I'm not sure if I should say what I think it is...

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.
    No worries, it's not a disappointment. Again, I have a guess, but I'm withholding it...

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

    Thanks for reading/reviewing!
    I shall! Expect a couple more reviews by the end of the week.
    Last edited by unrepentantAuthor; 23rd April 2012 at 12:04 PM.

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  14. #39
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    Since I'm late to the party, I'm going to review this chapter-by-chapter as I get into it so you can have my progressive thoughts. So...chapter one!

    Here's one line:

    Was this guy a trainer?
    I have no idea why, but I didn't like this, and I think it was the use of "this guy". It seems like such an oddly colloquial term for a pokemon to use. "The human", "My attacker"; these were all others ways he was referred to that worked just fine, but the odd use of "this guy" made feel somewhat off. This one is just my opinion, though.

    His words: non-existent, yet sharp enough to break the skin.
    I wasn't enamored of this, either. Just because his words WERE non-existent, so how could Sentret have been hurt by them? I get that it is nice wording, but I think a better way would have been "His THOUGHTS: unreadable, yet sharp enough to break the skin". Because Sentret clearly has designs on what the attacker might be thinking (and they sting him), but he can't actually read them.

    Okay, that's pretty much it for the "negatives", and they're pretty easy (also, basically just opinions on my end).

    So, I hate the trainer kid here, but he's fairly well-done. I wonder how old he is...if I had to guess, I'd say in his tweens? He doesn't quite seem to be the standard ten-year old (but he could be). I absolutely like that he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, and he communicates his lack of knowledge as anger and violence, which is a very childlike thing to do. Something has to have happened in his life, right? Because he's obviously jaded and angry to the point of over-aggression. But he obviously wants to be loved, too, which is well displayed in his interactions with Sentret. I'm very curious as to what has made him the way it is (and why he looks at the pokemon journey as...I dunno...a chore or a bother when it should be happy). I really feel like this could be Silver from the G/S/C series, but I doubt it is.

    I also hope we come back to Sentret's clan somehow. What happens to them after Senori leaves? Are they unprotected? Happy he's gone? Sad? Oblivious? I want to see Senori come back to them somehow because they are apparently so important to him.

    That said, I can't tell if I like Senori or not, but in that good way that means he is well-written. He's so whiny and needy and self-effacing. I want to feel bad for him, but I want to tell him to shut up and man up at the same time. I'll be curious to see how he changes.


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  15. #40
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    Chapter 2!

    They had all been born from the same egg, created by the god of the pokémon universe.
    Another line that just doesn't sit well with me. Pokemon and humans do exist in the same universe (unless whoever is narrating this fable about the boy and the girl is someone who oversees entire multiverses). Are you just trying to say that Pokemon and humans have a separate god? I could see that, but then I'd just say "the god of pokemon" and leave out the universe bit entirely.

    “Sai,” I said. I kept repeating the name over and over in my head. Since all of us were called by our species name and had to rely on the differences in voice and body sizes, I had assumed that humans were similar. I had imagined that perhaps they were all named Elm and that they all had to identify each other by individual, unique characteristics. But it looked as if they all had different names! I was learning a lot already.
    Nothing to correct here; I actually just wanted to say I kind of loved this part.

    I like the almost religious nature of the Totodile: his reverence towards basic things like the sun or grass and how "the legendary pokemon" put them here. And, of course, I like his pride foiling Senori's weakness and uncertainty. A lot of characteristics I've seen attributed to pokemon: weak, strong, bullyish, happy, chipper, depressed. But I don't think I've seen any that I would categorize as religious or reverent. Nice touch.

    We didn't get any further glimpses into Sai's character here, as he was pretty pleasant and happy with Kuiora (which, btw, I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce. Koo-EE-or-ah? Koo-YOR-ah? KOY-rah? Help me out here). I guess there's the mystery of his lack of a trainer's card, which probably means more than I was taking it to. Is he really from Vermillion? That bit of dialogue felt like a lie to me. I guess we'll see where it goes from there.


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  16. #41
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    Chapter 3!

    And when we pass through the forest, I guess I’d like to say good-bye to some people, if possible…
    Would a Sentret refer to other Sentret as "people"?

    This was his excuse every day from then on. We slept in the same area every night, and we stood at a distance from the fence every day to watch the pokémon. Sai tried to walk right up to the fence and climb over a few times, but I had to yell at him to not do that, since the fence was there to keep others out for a reason. He also tried to sit right by a part of the fence to look inside the backyard through the rails, which also seemed odd, so I kept telling him to stop looking creepy and to get away from the fence entirely.
    I like this in that it makes me feel like Sai is a robot or was raised in a lab or something like that. Senori is actually having to explain basic functions of polite society to him. What IS going on with this kid?

    Their innocence and lack of awareness at least let me know that at least someone in the clan didn’t know what I had done.
    Probably don't need "at least" in there twice.

    I wonder why the invader pokemon didn't attack/eat Senori after it had lured him away all that time ago. I can't imagine it left him alive just to screw with him, so why, after it had taken him so far that his cries would not have alerted the clan, did it not just eat him? Besides, you know, leaving us with a tragic, complicated character for your story. I get the sense from this bit that Senori actually IS strong...was the predator afraid to take it on one-on-one?

    “Yeah… We train, battle, and get badges. That’s what I was told to do, so that’s what we’re going to do,” Sai said, smiling again.
    Okay, and now he seems happy to be doing this for the first time. I'm having a really hard time reading this guy. And his personality has done, well not a 180. Let's call it a 120. He seems to enjoy the idea of being a trainer now; he let Senori go off without any problem; he wasn't angry at all this section that I could notice. So I'm all over the map on what this kid's deal is. Is he a robot? I'm really going with robot here.
    Last edited by Sid87; 23rd April 2012 at 8:30 PM.


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  17. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by unrepentantAuthor View Post
    No worries, it's not a disappointment. Again, I have a guess, but I'm withholding it...
    Haha, well, feel free to let me know your guesses, I’m always interested in what some people think. Though I may not confirm your guesses if they’re right, and I may not tell you if you’re entirely wrong, either.

    Quote Originally Posted by unrepentantAuthor View Post
    I shall! Expect a couple more reviews by the end of the week.
    Will look forward to it, thanks again!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I wasn't enamored of this, either. Just because his words WERE non-existent, so how could Sentret have been hurt by them? I get that it is nice wording, but I think a better way would have been "His THOUGHTS: unreadable, yet sharp enough to break the skin". Because Sentret clearly has designs on what the attacker might be thinking (and they sting him), but he can't actually read them.
    I can see where you’re coming from. I tend to, uh, be poetic at times (since I mainly write poetry) and silly things like this show up in first person narrative. It doesn’t make sense, and “thoughts” would be better. Thanks for pointing it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    So, I hate the trainer kid here, but he's fairly well-done. I wonder how old he is...if I had to guess, I'd say in his tweens? He doesn't quite seem to be the standard ten-year old (but he could be). I absolutely like that he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, and he communicates his lack of knowledge as anger and violence, which is a very childlike thing to do. Something has to have happened in his life, right? Because he's obviously jaded and angry to the point of over-aggression. But he obviously wants to be loved, too, which is well displayed in his interactions with Sentret. I'm very curious as to what has made him the way it is (and why he looks at the pokemon journey as...I dunno...a chore or a bother when it should be happy). I really feel like this could be Silver from the G/S/C series, but I doubt it is.
    You’re not the only one to hate him! I’ll be interested to see how/if your opinion changes over time. And nah, he’s not Silver. Silver has his own story through the manga and such, I believe…

    Sai’s certainly older than 10, but acts childlike for reasons that’ll be explained later. I’m not even particularly sure of his age, though I’ve always imagined him at 16 or 17. (That sounds weird, but maybe as a writer you can understand that sometimes your characters just don’t want to tell you things? Haha.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Another line that just doesn't sit well with me. Pokemon and humans do exist in the same universe (unless whoever is narrating this fable about the boy and the girl is someone who oversees entire multiverses). Are you just trying to say that Pokemon and humans have a separate god? I could see that, but then I'd just say "the god of pokemon" and leave out the universe bit entirely.
    Makes sense. I was indeed trying to convey that pokémon and humans have a different god, but I guess I ended up wording it funnily. Will go back and change it, thanks~

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    We didn't get any further glimpses into Sai's character here, as he was pretty pleasant and happy with Kuiora (which, btw, I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce. Koo-EE-or-ah? Koo-YOR-ah? KOY-rah? Help me out here). I guess there's the mystery of his lack of a trainer's card, which probably means more than I was taking it to. Is he really from Vermillion? That bit of dialogue felt like a lie to me. I guess we'll see where it goes from there.
    Indeed, Sai is happy here because Kuiora obeys orders, is happy to go along, AND he got to take some time to actually choose a pokémon rather than feel obligated to choose the first one he saw like he did with Senori. And no, he’s not from Vermilion, lol.

    I pronounce it as Kwee-or-uh, though if something else sounds better to you, that’s fine too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Would a Sentret refer to other Sentret as "people"?
    Of course. Okay, not really. I tend to write them like they’re humans out of nowhere sometimes. I’ll watch out for that, thanks for pointing it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I wonder why the invader pokemon didn't attack/eat Senori after it had lured him away all that time ago. I can't imagine it left him alive just to screw with him, so why, after it had taken him so far that his cries would not have alerted the clan, did it not just eat him? Besides, you know, leaving us with a tragic, complicated character for your story. I get the sense from this bit that Senori actually IS strong...was the predator afraid to take it on one-on-one?
    I was going with the logic that the predator wanted to get back to its own clan before it left without him. The predator would have been able to get food from its clan members wherever they went.

    Okay, and now he seems happy to be doing this for the first time. I'm having a really hard time reading this guy. And his personality has done, well not a 180. Let's call it a 120. He seems to enjoy the idea of being a trainer now; he let Senori go off without any problem; he wasn't angry at all this section that I could notice. So I'm all over the map on what this kid's deal is. Is he a robot? I'm really going with robot here.
    Haha, well, he could be. I tend to be vague when answering things regarding Sai, but please feel free to throw your suggestions out there. I find them interesting. His personality is supposed to take a 180 (or 120, I suppose) a lot, though. You’ve been invited to ride this rollercoaster of emotions (or lack thereof) with him, hope you enjoy the ride. In all seriousness, though, thanks for reading and reviewing the first 3 chapters so far, it’s much appreciated. I will get to your fic sometime soon.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  18. #43
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    Good, I'm glad Sai is older. I was thinking as I read the comments that he would be more appealing as older, because then he seemed more like he knew how to influence the pokemon.
    I think my two favorite characters are Senori and Sai, because Senori has a very interesting personality and a dramatic backstory. I also am interested in why Sai behaves so strangely. He seems to have some strange attraction to following the rules, which he really doesn't know. For example, as soon as he found out about starters, he wanted a starter to "do it the right way". Sai seems to want to please whoever he came from. Even though his methods of training are not... traditional, I think he know how to build and condition his team to be the best very well.

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  19. #44
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    Chapter 4!

    My first thoughts a few paragraphs in are that Atis is very similar to Senori, in the sense that they are both whiny and full of self-doubt. I'm not sure that, at this point, there is a need for another character so similar to one we already have, but I also have faith that you know what you are doing and will differentiate them as you go.

    Lots of good characters here. I like the youthful innocence of Shannon and the funny misunderstandings of Earl. Nice touches adding good flavor to otherwise minor characters (that is just an assumption; we may be seeing more of them for all I know).

    It wasn’t that I hated pokémon. I hated peoples’ love for pokémon. It was consuming and overwhelming and encouraged far too much. It seemed to be the only reason for people to wake up in the morning, the only thing that made life worth living. Everything else was forgotten—reading, writing, school for jobs that made food and buildings, school for jobs that helped the sick... There had to be something else to life that not enough people were seeing.
    Oh, this always seems so true of the Pokemon universe. I thought of that when writing my most recent chapter and wanted my character to use his cell phone. I initially wrote "PokeGear", and then thought "...why would this device even be named after pokemon?" It's good to see a character openly question the inanity of such a worldwide obsession.

    I'm assuming the Atis found out "off-screen" that Sai can understand her (is it a her? I have gotten the sense that it's a her), so that's why we didn't see surprised reaction here. If so, good job. Unless anything new comes of it, we don't need to see the same conversation umpteen times.

    It was eventually, finally, our turn to battle. I just wanted to get it over with. Falkner approached Sai and shook his hand. Sai stared at the handshake curiously and oddly, as if he wasn’t used to the greeting.
    ROBOT!

    There had been many cyndaquil named Blaze, I recalled…
    Oh, the truthfulness of it all. Naming these things in-game is so hard. I bet I've done that before (maybe not a Cyndaquil, but...you know).
    I'm actually surprised Earl never named Atis. Earl seemed a jolly, friendly fellow. He didn't seem to really listen to what Hitmontop had to say, but he did enjoy its presence. I can't help but wonder how it never came to him to name it. Hmmm.

    Maybe I could convince Sai of being something else.
    I look forward to this. Admittedly, I'm less interested in Atis that Kuiora or Senori, but I want to see her continue this quest to change the world she hates so much. It will really develop her further.

    I don't mean to make that sound harsh, but I get an adorable sense of wonderment from Totodile and a strong sense of pity for Sentret. From Hitmontop, I just get..."okay, you're whiny like Sentret, but don't have as interesting of a backstory". So I'll be keeping an eye on further development from her.


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  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jazz14456 View Post
    Good, I'm glad Sai is older. I was thinking as I read the comments that he would be more appealing as older, because then he seemed more like he knew how to influence the pokemon.
    I think my two favorite characters are Senori and Sai, because Senori has a very interesting personality and a dramatic backstory. I also am interested in why Sai behaves so strangely. He seems to have some strange attraction to following the rules, which he really doesn't know. For example, as soon as he found out about starters, he wanted a starter to "do it the right way". Sai seems to want to please whoever he came from. Even though his methods of training are not... traditional, I think he know how to build and condition his team to be the best very well.
    I find it interesting that you think he can build a good team. I’m inclined to agree, but we’ll see how it goes! And yeah, it just didn’t feel right having Sai be very young. Once, uh, whatever is wrong with him is revealed, it should make sense that he can’t be the way he is at such a young age. Thanks for commenting.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    My first thoughts a few paragraphs in are that Atis is very similar to Senori, in the sense that they are both whiny and full of self-doubt. I'm not sure that, at this point, there is a need for another character so similar to one we already have, but I also have faith that you know what you are doing and will differentiate them as you go.
    I was actually thinking about this last night. With them, I’m wanting to emphasize the idea that coming from very separate backgrounds can have similar results. That’s what I want to do with these two characters, and also with Sai and another character that hasn’t been introduced yet. I run the risk, however, of making them too similar. Boo. :C

    I’d like to say they’re different. Senori is a leader, has motivation, has initiative. Atis, on the other hand, is very hypocritical. He would like to think he’s a leader and has motivation, but he has little to none. He gets nothing done, and just sits and daydreams all day about things he wants to do, but won’t do—or will give up on easily if he tries. Senori’s currently a lot like Atis only because of his traumatic past experience that has shattered the confidence he used to have.

    Atis also has a lot of social anxiety and nervousness for no apparent reason, and he absolutely hates attention. Senori just experiences self-doubt due to past experiences, and likes to show his strength when he can (otherwise he would never offer to keep watch for his clan).

    Senori also believes in fate (“Sai was sent to me for a reason, and I have to prepare to go with him”), whereas Atis thinks that things about the future/present can be changed (“I want to deter Sai from being a trainer even if that’s what he wants to do”).

    I hope that makes sense. They’re alike, yes, but they’re also very different. (You pointing it out just means that I need to distinguish them better, though, so I’ll work on that.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm assuming the Atis found out "off-screen" that Sai can understand her (is it a her? I have gotten the sense that it's a her), so that's why we didn't see surprised reaction here. If so, good job. Unless anything new comes of it, we don't need to see the same conversation umpteen times.
    Yeah, I try to watch out for not showing the same scene over and over. The only exception would be the dice rolling thing, since that’s the most important, in my opinion. I also find it interesting to see how each individual character acts to the situation, but I understand it can get boring and tedious.

    (Also, Atis is a boy, not that it really matters.)

    Thanks for commenting/reviewing~

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  21. #46
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    SURVIVAL PROJECT

    chapter 6 ; [ATIS]
    escalate

    *

    I lost track of days not long after I left Violet City with Sai.

    Saying goodbye to Earl was easier than I expected. He was happy for me and seemed all too eager to give me away to a boy who was leaving his school much earlier than the rest of his students. That was his personality. He was caring, trusting and he always had everyone's best interests in mind. I wondered if he would miss me or if he didn't want to let me go, but I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on it. If I thought about it too much, I wouldn't be able to stand it.

    Even if he didn't want me to leave, I would have done so anyway. Leaving gave me a better chance of finding joy. Although Sai was different, it was this lack of normalcy that attracted me to him. Maybe, just maybe, I could change him. I could deter him from pokémon training. I could be something. Someone. The path to Azalea Town boosted my confidence, especially when Senori almost got hurt, but was saved by another trainer. Danger and criticism could be used against Sai during my efforts. Not that I was glad Senori was put in that situation... but it did work to my advantage in the end.

    I lost track of days, but I focused on using my time wisely rather than watching it pass by.

    Sai made it hard to lose track of days, though. He said it took a little over three weeks to get out of the cave. During the last few days, he was walking so fast, I struggled to keep up with him. If I got lost in my thoughts like I usually did, I went the wrong way and panicked. So I tried to focus. I could hear him mumbling numbers over and over as we went through the rest of the cave, with him assuming we were close behind. While battling seemed important before, time was now important. He was obsessed with numbers and speed, as if his life depended on it. Kuiora noticed, but didn't care much. She only tried to get his attention by instigating fights with wild pokémon. And Senori looked at him with concern, too paralyzed to say a word.

    When we arrived at Azalea Town, Sai suddenly scattered and escalated to a pace no one else could follow.

    The first night was normal enough. He wanted to sleep in the Pokémon Center, as expected. No trainer could resist the luxury of a real bed, though he didn't hide his disdain for the nurses there. They were nice anyway and gave us a room with two beds and other standard human things. I watched from the doorway as Sai paced anxiously. Kuiora and Senori stared at objects that perhaps only I had seen before—lamps, carpet, indoor plants. They tread lightly, refusing to touch anything, as if it was all sacred and fragile. At one point, a worker knocked on the door and offered us pokémon food, and then they acted like we were at a birthday party.

    My tiredness, on the other hand, was overpowering. I was kept awake by their noise, but the night soon ended. Kuiora and Senori slept together on the bottom bunk since they were closer friends, while I took the top so that no one could see me. Sai didn't sleep at all. He paced, back and forth, talking to himself incomprehensibly. I thought I could feel his stare, but I was too exhausted to question it. Anxiety had a limit when you were constantly on the verge of being crushed by rocks, I supposed...

    *

    When the sun rose, Sai woke us. I thought I was having nightmares about earthquakes, but it was just Sai shaking the bed. That was his version of an alarm clock. I sat up and controlled my uneven breathing, telling him to stop. He ignored me, yelled about breakfast, and then he was out the door.

    I climbed down from the bunk ladder and saw Senori and Kuiora wearing confused expressions. I steadied myself on the floor and thought to make a break for it like Sai had before they could ask me anything.

    “I like Sai's style today,” Kuiora said, not bothering to let the boy get to her. She bounced off of her bed and smiled. “I'm going to get some food too.”

    Senori soon followed her, though silently. I stood in place for a few moments, contemplating my choices. Enjoying the peace and quiet was an option, but I couldn't hide forever if I wanted to be a part of Sai's life. Finding comfort in the soft carpet's warmth, I made my way out of the room.

    I saw Senori turn the corner. The whole hallway was as quiet as he was. Everyone else must have been sleeping... and while I was thinking of this, I bumped into Senori's back.

    “I-I'm sorry,” I said bashfully. I ran my foot along the carpet, seeking more comfort.

    “It's fine. I'm not sure where Sai went. Do you know?” Senori said.

    “No... Maybe we could try to get a nurse to tell us where to go...”

    “Good idea.” With that, Senori took the lead and moved forward. I ran after him. I scouted out the place and pointed out the pink-haired nurse when I saw her. Senori nodded, went up to her and tugged at the bottom of her white skirt. She was talking to someone, but she took notice of Senori and asked the poor pokémon if he was lost. He nodded again.

    “What are you looking for, dear?” she asked.

    “...Food. My trainer went to get food,” Senori said dumbly, gesturing toward his mouth with his paws.

    “Don't worry, silly. I can understand pokémon,” she said, chuckling slightly. “I spend enough time with pokémon to know what they're saying, no matter what species. Anyway, the breakfast room is through that door.” She pointed behind Senori, then turned away to continue talking to the other person, a boy who looked a bit familiar. I didn't stick around to identify him. I followed Senori to the breakfast room instead.

    When we went in, however, Sai was gone. Kuiora was obliviously eating everything in sight, especially the berries. She didn't see us come in, and we had to raise our voices before she acknowledged us.

    “Sai came in here and then left. Didn't even eat,” she said in between bites of food.

    “You didn't go with him?” Senori asked, tilting his head to the side.

    “Nah. I'm hungry... and he's the trainer, not me.”

    “Huh...” Senori turned to me. “Sai seems rather upbeat today. I'm not really sure if we should go after him and risk ruining it.”

    “You can eat,” I said. Interacting with the two of them was the last thing I wanted, so I offered to go after Sai. The sentret gave me a skeptical look. I said I'd be careful and dashed out of the Pokémon Center.

    *

    The sunrise looked beautiful outside. The city was half bright, half dark, as the forest to the west towered over one side and the sun lit the other. With so little people out this early in the morning, finding Sai was an easy task, though deciding whether or not to chase him was not.

    When I found Sai, he was entering a random house.

    For all I knew, that could have been his house. I didn't know where he was from, but it wasn't Azalea Town, right? Why sleep in the Pokémon Center, then? He wasn't the kind to like being in the presence of others, however. I understood this, but there were more efficient ways of avoiding those you lived with...

    I ran through the small town, directly toward the house, hoping I wouldn't forget which one it was by the time I got there. All the buildings looked the same, just as all trainers are the same. The door was propped open and I stepped inside, my heart racing. I told myself this was no different than entering the school. Everyone was allowed here, even if it belonged to Earl. The owner here had to be as nice as he was.

    I froze when someone tried to walk out, colliding with me unexpectedly. I stumbled, landing on my back. I made no attempt to stand. The idea of being caught in someone else's home was enough to make me cry.

    I was lucky. It was Sai.

    “Atis!” he cried. He reached down and lifted me to my feet. There was something weird about his eyes. I knew they were a dark blue, but now they were glazed over. Deadened and desperate, somehow, though his demeanor said otherwise.

    “Um, hi,” I said lamely. I couldn't stop looking at his eyes.

    “I'm sorry I skipped breakfast, Atis. I wanted to go out and, you know, meet people. The door here was unlocked but I went in a room and no one was there. And this place is big and cozy. I can't take it, I'm not used to it, but I'm going to try again, okay?”

    He was speaking too fast for me to fully understand. Something about seeing people and growing accustomed to it.

    “Okay. Let's go to the next house.” Sai held on to my arm and pulled me. I didn't have much time to process what was happening. I made a whining noise as I wondered why houses had to be so close to each other. “What's wrong, Atis?” Sai asked. He turned the knob. Thankfully, it was locked.

    “I, uh... You can't just go in these houses,” I said.

    His eyes widened in response. “Why not? Senori always says things like that.”

    “They're private. You have to ask the owners to go in.”

    “Oh. I guess homes are too good and cozy for everyone to have,” Sai said, though his voice was still upbeat, as Senori would have put it.

    “Uh, right...”

    “Well, we now have a goal for today.”

    “We do?”

    “Yes. We're going to get invited to everyone's home. We'll get to everyone in town.” He grinned.

    “Oh...?” I started, but Sai had already wandered off to find someone. He was pulling me again and I was too late to keep him from talking to a girl who didn't seem quite as puzzled as I was. It was a close contest. Her hands grabbed on to the straps of her bag and her lips were parted, as if she were going to say something, but she wasn't sure what. I'm sure she felt as disconnected to Sai as I did. It was the opposite for Sai... He was feeling more, connecting more—at the expense of his dignity, no doubt, yet he nevertheless was making an attempt at being human.

    “So, yeah...” I heard Sai say. “I'd really, really like to come by and see everything and, uh, talk.”

    The girl peered around nervously. Then she spotted me. I was standing behind Sai's legs, staying hidden but open enough to stop him from doing anything too stupid. “Are you a trainer?”

    “Yes. This is Atis, my hitmontop. He's a little shy, but that's okay.”

    “My brother's a trainer,” she said proudly. “He just got back to town after getting his starter. He's been complaining about being around non-trainers, so maybe he'd like you to come over.”

    “That'd be nice. Let's go,” he said, taking a step toward her.

    “I-It's a bit early right now. Why don't you come back later? For dinner. Just remember which house I live in, okay?”

    Sai's face fell, but he didn't lose his spirit. He said goodbye to her and told me he was going to search some more. He was off again. What luck he had, after all, getting one step closer toward his goal not even five minutes into his adventure... And what terrible encouragement that was too.

    The next few people he talked to, though, were trainers who didn't live in Azalea Town. They were nice to give away their phone numbers in case he ever needed something. When he explained he didn't have a phone, he was advised to get one—and soon. It was helpful to have back-up help if necessary. I approved of the tactic and then wondered what kind of experiences brought on that warning...

    And while I was lost in my thoughts, Sai had left again.

    At least I could assume he was going to the pokémart. I located a blue roof and a sign indicating the store's name. Inside, Sai was talking to the sales clerk, presumably asking for a phone. We were there for hours... which was the longest amount of time I had seen Sai sit still thus far, if you didn't count the adventure in the cave. There was just so much to choose from, Sai pointed out. Some phones had special features and there were different shapes, different sizes...

    In the middle of their conversation, I no longer bothered to stick around. He was rambling and the sales clerk couldn't understand me, as it turned out. I roamed around, seeing what other materials humans were able to buy. Somehow I landed in the clothes section. People needed clothes for everyday use... There had to be millions upon millions of shirts, pants, socks. Were there really enough workers out there making all these clothes for trainers and non-trainers?

    I went back to Sai, satisfied with my findings. I frowned when I saw three phones in the grocery bag he was holding. He went on about their essential features, the games available to play and maps to look at, as well as information about regional pokémon.

    “Don't you only need... one?”

    “I couldn't decide which, so I bought them all.” He put them in his backpack. “Where were you?”

    “In the clothes aisle.”

    “Good idea, Atis. We need some clothes.”

    He didn't examine any article of clothing for more than a moment, nor did he put them back on the proper racks. He threw them on the ground sometimes, irritated. He bought a green pullover sweater, pants that fit, and shoes I thought might get thrown away soon after purchase, seeing as how he already had a pair. I was even more perplexed when he picked out baby clothes.

    “Um, Sai? You're not a baby...”

    “I like them,” he said. “I don't know. Maybe you or Senori or Kuiora could wear them. You guys are small.”

    I blanched.

    *

    It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get us back to the Pokémon Center after his second shopping spree. Senori and Kuiora were waiting outside the room, waiting for us to bring them the key. Sai opened the door and I sighed happily—until I remembered he had to go see that girl for dinner...

    I flopped down on the bed anyway, but then Senori came to me and questioned everything. He was worried and didn't know what to do.

    “I'm not really sure what happened today, either,” I said.

    “What do you mean?”

    “He ran around everywhere, being super social, and he wasn't angry. He bought more... Didn't you say he was out of pokédollars?”

    “I did say that.”

    “Winning battles, maybe? Or he had more than you thought.”

    Senori didn't answer. A few moments of silence passed.

    “Anyway,” I started again, “we're going to be leaving soon... for dinner.”

    “Dinner?”

    “Yeah... Apparently, Sai now thinks that the town and everyone in it is his friend.”

    Senori's face brightened. “That's a good thing!” he cried.

    I didn't get the chance to protest as Sai came behind me and tried putting on a t-shirt he bought earlier. Luckily or unluckily, he failed.

    “Atis, your head is too fat. I can't get this on you,” he said, pulling it down hard. When I could, I ducked down and pelted forward, releasing myself from the boy's grasp. He went to Senori, who had a narrower head, allowing the shirt to fit. It was a white shirt that had a plain pokéball image on the front.

    “Do I get a shirt?” Kuiora said, suddenly appearing and pulling on Sai's sleeve.

    “I bought a lot, so sure...” he said, grabbing another. Kuiora's was black and designed with swirls and stars and other random adornments. I preferred that shirt if I had to have one, but it got ripped due to the totodile's red spikes protruding from her back. Kuiora didn't mind as long as it was wearable.

    Sai took us to the Pokémon Center's lobby. It was almost dinnertime, and so the lobby was loud and full of trainers and their pokémon. Sai spent a majority of the evening showing off his partly dressed pokémon. Whenever he introduced me and told the Violet City gym story, I felt my face redden in embarrassment. I was the only evolved pokémon in the room, and I just knew they were all staring at me. Some girls thought it was cute, but most were in a hurry to get a head start on their journey before dark. Those trainers brushed him off and I was relieved.

    *

    Despite the girl's warning, we couldn't remember which house was hers. I left it up to Sai to figure it out, but he didn't. Thanks to Senori's generous suggestion, Sai knocked on various doors and asked for her, whatever her name was. It took us an hour to find her. Sai wasn't keen on putting me in a pokéball when I asked, so I rested when I could. I hadn't been with the boy for a month, but I knew anything could happen during this meeting.

    When we found her, I noticed her features more. Blonde hair, big dark eyes, a narrow face with soft skin and a small mouth. She looked an awful lot like the guy who saved Senori... At the school I had to memorize faces and there had been siblings there over the years. If my assumptions were correct—and I didn't think I was wrong—this wouldn't go over well.

    The girl announced that Sai had missed dinner. She didn't think he was going to come, so she ate alone. And she didn't have pokémon food, though her brother was shopping for some at this very moment. That only heightened my suspicions. Sai pushed past her and walked inside anyway. She gasped but didn't scold him.

    Kuiora took the lead and went in. He was our trainer and we couldn't get in trouble for being loyal, she said. Senori agreed. I was about to tell him about my observation but I decided against it.

    “Your house is very pretty,” I heard Sai say. He was right. The home felt full and complete. This home belonged to people who had lived here a while and would continue to stay. Everything was clean. There were several pieces of furniture, all of which were worn yet cared for. The walls were adorned with paintings containing inspirational quotes. The lights were perfectly dimmed. I felt invisible, but I knew the girl was wary, watching us. We were weird and new, but mostly weird.

    The other three—especially Sai—were interested in simple things. Tables, doors, couches, kitchen supplies... What were they made of? Where did she get them? Why did anyone need a table, anyway? The girl's replies were hesitant, but she was polite. I admired her for it. This certainly had to be awkward for her...

    “I don't mean to be rude... I'm curious. Where are you from?”

    Sai stopped. He answered passively, “Vermilion City. My home was special.”

    “Oh? How so? I don't know much about the Kanto region.” She sat down at the table and motioned for Sai to join her, but he didn't. He missed the gesture entirely, or he was fascinated by the chair to the point where he was afraid of breaking it.

    “I've never been in a kitchen. People brought food to me,” he said, nodding to Kuiora as he spoke.

    “Not much of a cook, huh?” She smiled. She didn't take Sai so seriously, but why?

    “Yeah... I mean, there were walls. And a bed...”

    “I see. You sound like my brother. He's not one for conversation, though he knows how to use words effectively when the situation calls for it. Are you the same?”

    The conversation went on like this, with her trying to probe for answers, and with him not being specific at all. He had things. Yes, generic things anyone would have. People lived with him too. Who? Just people. You know. No, I don't know. Have you always been around pokémon? Maybe. I don't like to think about it. ...I hope you don't mind my pokémon poking around. They're curious. And they're wearing shirts.

    At that, she laughed and gave up. Sai didn't take the hint that he needed to leave. He was playing a game of coquetry and he was clearly losing.

    I tuned them out until Sai himself said it was time to go. I was busy thinking that, in a sense, this was like being with Earl. Conversations were vague and inconclusive. No one was close to anyone, though they tried to be. The difference? Sai was willing to negotiate with new experiences. Earl was not.

    I thought that something good might have come out of this hectic day. Sai seemed content in a comforting place like this. Maybe he could stay in Azalea Town... He didn't have to travel. He didn't have to train. He could make new goals, even if they were out of the ordinary. I could work with that. He didn't seem to meet his goals often, but I could work with that too. We could fit in as well, since we weren't battling pokémon. We could become something that wouldn't make us miserable...

    The girl ushered us out the door. I wasn't paying attention much, but Sai addressed her as Sasha when he said goodbye. I silently apologized for our hindrance, though I noted how she didn't invite us to stay for the night. Wasn't that a normal thing to offer traveling guests? Did she think low of us? Was there anything we could do to fix that, if we were to live here?

    And why did I feel more human than Sai when I thought about things like this?

    *

    Sai bought four rooms in the Pokémon Center that night, one for each of us. The nurse said it was very considerate of him. "Pokémon need their alone time, just like humans," she said. She then explained that she would put our rooms close together in case we needed to find each other.

    He got the room keys and we went around the corner to where the rooms were located. The halls were as quiet as they had been this morning. Sai tucked Senori and Kuiora into bed and told them not to cause trouble. When we went to open my door, though, I stopped him and asked if I could talk to him for a minute.

    “Why?” he asked.

    “I... wanted to talk about today,” I said. I was rushing into unknown territory, but it seemed like as good a time as any, if Senori and Kuiora's strange descriptions of Sai were anything to go off of.

    “Oh,” he said, going into his own room. His backpack and other belongings were still there. Why buy separate rooms now, but not before? My confidence lessened... The lack of concrete answers made me nervous.

    “Yeah. I was wondering... Well, how long are we going to be traveling for?”

    “Not long. Long enough to get all the badges in Johto!” he said. He handed me my key, as if he expected me to know what to do with it. I could do it, sure, but not the others...

    ...Not only was I trying to deter Sai, I was trying to deter myself. I had to focus.

    “And how many badges do you have now? Just the zephyr badge, right?"

    “Yeah. Is that what it's called?” he replied, chuckling. “I didn't know they had names too.”

    “Well...” I had been hoping for more than one badge, but all right. “I thought we could... Uh... You liked Azalea Town today, right?” I stepped inside his room. I had to appear friendly, not scared.

    “I guess. Visiting Sasha was fun, but she pointed out my enthusiasm,” Sai said, bending down to take off his shoes. Halfway through untying them, he stood up.

    “That's a bad thing?” I said, watching him as he rearranged the room. He opened the windows, put plants in other places, ruffled and then fixed the bed sheets. It took a while for him to respond.

    “Most of the time.” He seemed passive again, and I wasn't sure why.

    “I think it's a good thing,” I said. I was trying to cheer him up with those words... but it backfired.

    “And what do you know?” he snapped. His eyes glazed over. I stumbled backward a bit, as if he had physically hit me.

    “Being happy is a g-good thing, Sai... Y-You seemed happy here, you know? Talking to everyone and everything.” I didn't believe my own words, but I continued, “M-Maybe we could stay here. It doesn't have to be permanent. Longer than a few days...”

    Sai was silent. He paced slowly, cleaning things, attempting to fix things that weren't broken. Had I said too much? Had I overstayed my welcome? Then—

    “Get out.”

    “Huh?” I wanted to make sure I had heard him right. If I didn't succeed now, who knew when I'd try again...

    “I told you to get out.” His voice was louder, sterner. “I got you guys your own rooms for a reason! So get out! Go to your own room... Just get out!”

    He made his way over to the table in the corner of the room. He moved the lamp from one side to another. It wasn't perfect, so he tried again. It was no good still. He ripped the cord out of the wall, then stopped screaming and fumbling. He growled and threw the lamp at me.

    I ducked and let the lamp crash into the door behind me. It shattered into a million pieces all around me. It was the result of a troubled teenage boy that no one bothered to understand. It was the result of little mishaps that get into our heads and screw us over.

    I had no choice but to do what he wanted. I said nothing more. I opened the door, went into the hallway... I closed the door... and sat down. I was holding on to my key so tightly it dug into my skin and made me bleed.

    I thought the night was over, but the chaos didn't end there. I could hear him, screaming unintelligibly and violently. The sound of splintered wood was obvious.

    Suddenly I jumped as I heard someone else yelling. It was Senori. The poor pokémon was too short and couldn't open the door. I wobbled over to him, telling him that Sai was angry. Very angry.

    “Is he okay?” he asked after another crashing noise.

    “No one's hurting him. He's just... mad,” I said as calmly as I could. The sentret seemed to get it and left it at that.

    Kuiora's door opened next and she looked at me with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. She had taken the steps to drag a chair so she could open the door. Now she was looking down at me.

    “I thought you two were fighting,” she said. “But here you are.”

    “We kind of were...” I replied sheepishly. There was hypocrisy in my words as I added, “You shouldn't interfere...”

    “Hmm. Physical fighting? Like pokémon battle fighting?”

    “Well, no, but—”

    “I'm going to become stronger than you someday, you know."

    I didn't need more cryptic answers. I halfheartedly listened to her as I checked the rest of my body for injuries.

    “Yeah. You got to fight the first gym battle all by yourself, and you got a lot of attention today. But I'm going to get stronger than you. It'll be a competition of sorts.”

    I wasn't hurt physically, but mentally... I mumbled about not wanting competition, but she cut me off with a water gun to the face. I couldn't finish my sentence and was now spitting water out of my mouth instead of words.

    “You can't expect to be the strongest and not have competition!” she cried.

    At least it wasn't a lamp. At least I wasn't scared of her. At least she wouldn't go feral on me, not completely. But now I was wet and cold and utterly defeated. I was done.

    “I don't need this,” I said, standing up and coughing. I finally let myself into my own room. “I'm going to bed. You can have him.”

    “Wait—”

    I shut the door.

    I heard nothing else for the rest of the night.

    *

    I slept soundly. The lower body temperature must have helped. For some reason, Kuiora had a grudge against me and was going to do anything in her power to win. Cooperation was not an option for her.

    And Sai... I didn't know about Sai. I had only asked a couple questions, and then violence ensued. He seemed joyful and then he changed within a few moments.

    When I awoke, I tried to think about Violet City. How was Earl doing? He was a pure, decent man. Was he getting into trouble? What about the students? I had been gone for almost a month... I didn't know what day of the week it was. Who was struggling today and what could I do to help?

    Everyone's always struggling, I realized. I'd have to accept this. I wasn't the only one hurting.

    This thought gave me some peace of mind and I slept through the day.

    *

    I was woken up by a loud knocking on the door. Judging by the faint light coming in through the windows, it was dawn or dusk. It was perfectly good timing or perfectly bad timing. I got up lazily, rubbing my eyes. Though I had to stretch to reach the knob, I was able to open the door.

    It was Sai.

    I breathed his name tiredly. He looked tired, too, with dark circles under his eyes and his sagging limbs.

    “Could I stay in your room tonight?” he asked quickly. He sure didn't waste any time getting to the point, but it wasn't what I had anticipated. And what was I expecting, anyway? An apology? ...A hug? It wasn't likely.

    “Um.”

    “Look, I’m sorry that happened. I-I mean… That’s not right. You have to understand. I get these moods sometimes. Everything speeds up for me, I think so much, and I want to do a million things at once and I want to talk to a million people so I forget things, things don’t get done, and there’s never enough time in the world though it goes by so slowly, and yeah, I seem happy, this is the first time I’ve ever been able to do things I want, and it was fun but it turned wrong, I can always turn angry so fast and… and… I’m not usually violent, but that was a touchy subject. I don’t know… Being happy is depressing for me, it’s stressful, everything’s too fast. I can’t think straight right now. I can’t… Do you understand what I’m saying?”

    I stared. He was trying his best to relay his complicated feelings to me, but no, I didn't understand. Since when was happiness frowned upon? Did all humans have emotions like this?

    “I'm sorry, I am. I destroyed my room, as you might have guessed, so...” Sai said, then finally closed his mouth.

    I told him he could stay. I told him it was okay. Things happened, after all. Things good and bad. I was really only saying that to avoid more problems, though.

    “If you say so,” Sai said, but he appeared eager, smiling and making his way into the room, just as he had entered Sasha's place without full permission.

    It hit me that it must have been nearing nighttime. How could I keep him entertained until he went to sleep? Would he sleep at all?

    Soon he was pacing back and forth, as he had done the first night here. He felt compelled to speak first and said, “I bought you all separate rooms so you wouldn't have to see me like that. You saw me anyway. I'm sorry.”

    “It's fine,” I said, climbing into the top bunk. If I couldn't sleep, I would pretend to.

    “I thought you'd be mad. It's okay to be mad. I didn't want to go to Kuiora or Senori, though, or they'd question me. They didn't see anything... I'd like to keep it that way...”

    They didn't see anything, but they heard. I didn't mention this.

    “Yeah, and you didn't come out when I knocked earlier.”

    “I-I was tired.”

    “Oh. Well, you didn't miss too much. The three of us went about our business, as usual. I almost stepped on a poison-type pokémon. Didn't buy anything, but it reminded me of antidotes and medicine. I don't remember much else...”

    “Sounds like it was another interesting day.”

    “Something like that,” he said.

    And then we were quiet.
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 14th February 2015 at 4:21 AM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  22. #47
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    I don't think anyone has read this yet, but their were a few mistakes for once;

    I stopped him and asked if I could talk to him for a moment.

    That happened right before Sai got mad, you forgot the I in if


    ^You ever have that moment you realize you forgot to give credit? Sorry Irra!!^

  23. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonicwari View Post
    I don't think anyone has read this yet, but their were a few mistakes for once;

    I stopped him and asked if I could talk to him for a moment.

    That happened right before Sai got mad, you forgot the I in if
    It was a long chapter, I'm not surprised. Fixed now.

    Thanks for letting me know, and let me know if you see anything else you'd like to point out~

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  24. #49
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    Chapter 5!


    Unless Senori let it get to him, he was free, just as I was free from Professor Elm.
    I get that Kuiora wanted to be out on an adventure, but it seems odd that he'd say this, since Elm was so affectionate to him.

    Normal kids would be dying of hunger or thirst by now,” he said, holding his stomach.
    I'm totally right about this robot thing, aren't I?

    He thought that I was a boy and he pushed me away in favor of the true first pokémon.
    I'm really bad at reading the genders of your pokemon.

    There didn’t seem to be too many totodile around, so surely someone wouldn’t object to seeing one with their own fortunate eyes.
    Adding to Kuiora being my favorite character right here. I like the cockiness juxtaposed by the fact that she's clinging desperately to Sai.

    Sai could decide thing about his pokémon himself.
    Not sure if that is supposed to be "things" or "this" or another word entirely. Either way, it might be a bit unwieldy. "Sai could make these kinds of decisions himself", may be better.

    As it turned out, it was a good thing that I didn’t catch another strong pokémon for Sai, because he found one on his own. It was a strange looking creature that had been named Atis. It was strange looking, but also intimidating. He didn’t seem to like anyone, his feet and head had spikes on them, and when he battled in the other building Sai liked—the gym, was it?—he fought impressively. The battle was short, and even with the type advantage (I had learned about that from the bird owner, not Sai), he wasn’t afraid and he did what he had to do to win. I wanted to be like him. I vowed to be used in the next gym battle.

    This was also the first time I had seen Senori since I had accidentally captured him. That morning, Sai finally asked me where he was when he said that we were going to the gym, and I explained everything to him. Besides a slight smile, Sai didn’t react much, and had to dig through his backpack and try every pokéball until he found Senori’s and let him out. He announced that we would be going to the gym later that day, and to be prepared. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure why, since he never intended for us to battle at all. But that was okay. Atis showed us the regular routine, and next time, I (or Senori, unless Sai realized how much training I had done) would know what to do.
    This part seemed a bit awkward to me because Kuiora's narration starts after having beaten the gym, then goes to before even having gone to the gym. It was written well, but I read to read it three times because I wasn't sure if I had missed something and maybe they were at another gym already.

    I even saw Sai fight some pokémon himself, even the rock-types, and I made a mental note to myself so that I could see just how strong he was sometime.
    He was fighting them HIMSELF? Like how he had attacked Senori at the beginning? Curiouser and curiouser...

    Anyway, overall, this section really emphasized how much Kuiora is my favorite character. Sai is an enigma that can't be penetrated (ROBOTS ARE LIKE THAT), and reading the sniveling of Atis is kind of draining. Senori isn't bad because his backstory was very interesting, but I love the cocksure spunk of Kuiora. She's a lot of fun. My only complaint is the narration for all three, despite their personality differences, are all pretty similar. They all seem to have the same vocabularly and perceptions of things around them. Kuiora seems like her sentence should be shorter, more abrupt, and more enthusiastic than Senori, and Atis seems like he should be using more conjunctions and broken thoughts to relay uncertainty, self-doubt, etc. Does that make sense?

    Still, you are writing a VERY fun and enjoyable story here, and they way you've put it together is brilliant. . I like the last line foreshadowing a great deal. Just the brilliant touches like the fable Elm told Kuiora or the complete turns that Sai takes at any given moment are sll so well done. I feel like the bulk of my critique here was negative, but that's only because I spend the largely good parts of your chapters absorbed in the story.


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  25. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I get that Kuiora wanted to be out on an adventure, but it seems odd that he'd say this, since Elm was so affectionate to him.
    Along with her cockiness comes her tendency to be rather ungrateful toward others.

    I'm really bad at reading the genders of your pokemon.
    So is Sai, apparently.

    I find that gender doesn't really matter in most cases. I feel that if I really tried to distinguish genders, then I'd end up having to fall back on stereotypes that people often recognize.

    I guess Sai is genderless if he's a robot.

    Senori - male
    Atis - male
    Kuiora - female

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Not sure if that is supposed to be "things" or "this" or another word entirely. Either way, it might be a bit unwieldy. "Sai could make these kinds of decisions himself", may be better.
    That does sound better. Fixed now, thanks! I have awkward wording sometimes, yay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This part seemed a bit awkward to me because Kuiora's narration starts after having beaten the gym, then goes to before even having gone to the gym. It was written well, but I read to read it three times because I wasn't sure if I had missed something and maybe they were at another gym already.
    I get what you're saying, though I'm not sure how to make it less confusing. I'll look into it, thanks.

    My only complaint is the narration for all three, despite their personality differences, are all pretty similar. They all seem to have the same vocabularly and perceptions of things around them. Kuiora seems like her sentence should be shorter, more abrupt, and more enthusiastic than Senori, and Atis seems like he should be using more conjunctions and broken thoughts to relay uncertainty, self-doubt, etc. Does that make sense?
    It makes sense. I can see where you're coming from, and I'll try to work on it. I think from what attempts I've made at it so far, I've overdone it and then regressed the the point where they all just became similar. Well, I'll be interested to see what you think about Atis's next chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Still, you are writing a VERY fun and enjoyable story here, and they way you've put it together is brilliant. . I like the last line foreshadowing a great deal. Just the brilliant touches like the fable Elm told Kuiora or the complete turns that Sai takes at any given moment are sll so well done. I feel like the bulk of my critique here was negative, but that's only because I spend the largely good parts of your chapters absorbed in the story.
    Oh, good. I was starting to get worried, lulz. I appreciate you pointing out the negative things though, otherwise I wouldn't really be able to improve, you know?

    Thanks for reading/reviewing!
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 25th April 2012 at 7:04 PM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


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