Page 4 of 10 FirstFirst 12345678 ... LastLast
Results 76 to 100 of 240

Thread: Survival Project (PG-13)

  1. #76
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Kalos
    Posts
    4,740

    Default

    Chapter 4

    Woooow, I can't believe I forgot to post my review for this chapter. I'm awful, sorry about that.

    I really like Atis a lot, he's a type of character with a very "Social Anxiety"-ish demeanor and personality, that's what I like about him. He's relatable in that aspect, not to mention he's just interesting since he seems to want the students to choose a path in life other then Pokemon, which is a bit surprising since a lot of peoples' worlds in Pokemon revolve around Pokemon, trying to escape them is futile in a way. I can understand how he might feel attached to some of the kids after hanging out with them so often, it was really endearing. His attitude toward Sai was pretty nicely written, he certainly is the type of character who doesn't like too much attention despite having such strength and being fully evolved at that. He seems more street smarter and tougher then Kuiora or Senori.

    I wonder why Faulkner would use his tired Pidgeotto against Atis? Seemed weird, and a bit of an advantage for Sai. I was surprised Sai gave no orders to Atis and let him do his own thing, the backstory on Atis evolving due to high amount of school battles and living with Earl was pretty nice stuff. He seems like a real fun character to write, and you really "feel" his anxiety. I also like his way of talking to the children a lot. Sai's stalker ways were a bit creepy, and one again the six-sided enigmatic die makes an appearance. Kuiora thinks Atis is awesome, I don't think that'll last long though XD

    This was nicely handled gym and capturing, so I look forward to the future defiantly. Can't believe Earl just let Atis go, just like "that" with no problem. Seemed a bit strange, he'll have to get a new Pokemon for the class I suppose.

    Chapter 5

    Awesome chapter. The main reason I loved it so much, the interactions between Kuiora and Senori. It sort of fleshed them out personality wise and really got us to know them in a way and how they handle each other. Senori of course thinks of himself as the leader and thinks of Kuiora as a dumb little baby in a way, I thought Kuiora cat catching him in the Poke Ball was nice punishment in a way, I thought it was pretty cute she wanted to capture Sai a Pokemon, that really does show she cares not to mention her training really shows she wants to be stronger. I might even say she's stronger then Senori probably, sure Senori is Sai's first but he's not really strong for a supposed leader, at least in comparison to Kuiora and Atis. I once again love your POV changing to truly get us to feel the other characters.

    The Cave Interaction scene was interesting, I wonder if that'll get done any further or if the boy will appear again. Since he pretty much scolded Sai for putting Senori in danger and left, he seems like a rival type. It was sort of nice to see Sai called out in a way and realizing he was wrong to an extent. Kuiora catching Senori was hilarious as well I forgot to mention. The fact you're having her train often will make her future victories and battles more believable. So, in the end great chapter! Nothing to say Grammar wise, your grammar and spelling is always so accurate.

    Keep up the work, you really are doing a great job.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 2nd June 2012 at 2:49 AM.

  2. #77
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,099

    Default

    The openings drew me in. I like pokemon POV's and I don't think I've read a pokemon pov in a journey fic before, so I expected it would be an interesting read.

    It did live up to my expectations. It was really well written and I thought spelling and grammar was fine as well. In some of the chapters, I noticed that the end of the chapters didn't have much of a closure, which is understandable considering it's not the end. At the same time I didn't feel as if there were cliffhangers either.

    The scenes where the pokemon get captured intrigued me the most because I felt I got into their mind of what it was like from being a wild pokemon to being a trained pokemon.

    The characters were really well developed especially Sai and Senori. Kuiora is a really nice name as well, it's got a nice flowery tone to it. The dialogue seemed fine to me, although there were times it felt a little bit repetitive.

    Overall I thought it was brilliant because it was so captivating.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  3. #78
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Distant Valhalla
    Posts
    8,206

    Default

    Alright, I just read the first six chapters.

    Your writing is brilliant and this is by no means an overstatement or some sort of exaggeration. It's one of the most unique stories I've ever had the pleasure of reading and I'm quite pleased with how things are turning out; now, onto my comments.

    Sai

    Sai is an enigma. When he was was first introduced, he resembled a cold-hearted robot but last chapter completely threw me off with Sai being ecstatic about stuff and wanting to go in everyone's houses - at the very end, he went crazy going as far to throw a lamp at Atis. Perhaps Sai is bipolar? Perhaps he can't control his emotions well? Could that be the reason he prefers staying cold all the time? Because it certainly seems like it. And like others have already said, he's very cryptic and I just can decipher his character - he's very interesting and, I can just say bravo for creating such an intriguing and enigmatic character who forces you to question him and his actions whilst making you wish for more and driving you crazy in your desire to find out more about him.

    Is he any relation to the title of this story? Survival project? Does Sai have anything to do with this?

    I wouldn't be surprised if he did, though I can't even come up with a single theory regarding that. Except for him wanting to gather all eight badges, I have no clue where this story is going and that's a good thing - that keeps things suspenseful and interesting.

    Sai is simply a good character.


    Senori

    I like Senori. His tragic backstory is truly emotional and once we found out about it I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. I liked him very much at first, until Kuiora was introduced, haha. He is quite clever but he sometimes he acts too clever than he actually is. But I think it was truly unfair that he was rejected by his clan merely because he decided to trust some fake Sneasel - his whole life turned around because of that. I also believe that his debut chapter was very original as the description of his thoughts, feelings as well as events surrounding him was spectacular. He surely has an interesting mindset and I can see why he could find a new clan in Sai and his team.

    Kuiora

    Kuiora is simply my favorite member of Sai's team, at the moment. I love the fact how, despite Elm claiming back in her debut chapter how she was much more mature than the other Totodile, she acts so rash and childish that it's hilarious. I mean, I loved the scene when she threw a Poké Ball at Senori (partially because he deserved) but also because she is so eager. Yes, that must be it. Kuiora is eager, willing to battle and develop, willing to get stronger. I only hope we get to witness her in actual trainer battles as I'm eager to see how she'd act in such a situation and how she'd respond. I have no complaints about her (nor do I have about any other aspect of this story), she's just cute, hilarious, eager and I love her.

    She will definitely be the strongest one day, haha.

    Atis

    I like Atis, his name is short and easy to remember. :P

    You know, Atis has a point about the whole world revolving around Pokémon as well as school not teaching children some really necessary stuff. I mean, of course that water types are stronger than fire types, does one really need to go to school to learn that? I'm quite happy Atis left because - being a mascot? Seriously? Is that really better than traveling the exciting world of Pokémon? I also really liked the fact that it was Atis who witnessed Sai's sudden personality change in the first place. It wasn't Senori nor Kuiora, it was his newest addition who seems to be much more human than his own trainer.

    Though I want Atis to get more confident, he needs more confidence. While I can relate to him with the whole attention, social awkwardness issue, he's an evolved Pokémon so it's only natural he'll keep being noticed. Besides, he kicked that Pidgeotto's sorry ass, that was amazing, especially how he apologized before hitting it - he knew he was going to win at once.

    Atis knows a lot, it's only natural after spending so much time in a school, but he needs more confidence.

    And I'm really looking forward to that inevitable development.

    - - -

    I know, I know - this review sucks. But, I just find the way you're telling the story original and simply awesome. Your descriptions are great as the mistakes have already been pointed out by someone else - thus, repeating myself would do more harm than good. You do a great job on having a Pokémon talk about its surroundings, explaining how it feels, what it sees - I can understand which chapter revolves around which Pokémon without even looking at the title - they have distinctive personalities so it's easy to identify them.

    I'm looking forward to the fourth team member, though I'm hoping for a more original way of Sai getting it. Perhaps the certain Pokémon starts following Sai around? It'd be a nice change of pace and quite refreshing.

    Oh, and one last thing: How come people can understand Pokémon in your world?
    Last edited by Janovy; 4th June 2012 at 11:00 PM.


  4. #79
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Somewhere in Hoenn
    Posts
    669

    Default

    Hello! I've been following Survival Project since it started, and I must say, this is one of my favorite fics on Serebii right now. You're obviously an excellent writer, and every new chapter is so intriguing and full of surprises. I've been wanting to review this for a while, and I'm glad that I finally get the chance to do so!

    This is my first review, and I'm pretty new to the world of fanfiction, so you can make of my comments what you will. I'll start with a general overview of the first four chapters.

    Chapter 1: Great way to start off. The first few paragraphs draw you right in, and everything just flows from there. I love the way you portrayed Senori - the simultaneous loyalty to his clan and the shame and self-doubt he feels for hurting them seemed very realistic in my opinion. And Sai is a very...interesting character. He's so set on doing things the "right" way, the way he was told...which is so far removed from a "normal" trainer's experience that I have to wonder what the heck is going on here. Also, he never seems to display the same emotion twice. I did feel that the scene where Sai is attacking Senori could have been a bit shorter, but I still liked it just for the fact that I've never heard of a trainer beating up a Pokemon with their bare hands before. ; )

    I did notice one tiny mistake about 3/4 of the way down:

    Maybe his parents forb him to go, but he went anyway
    I think you meant "forbade."

    Overall: I thought this was a really good start to the story.

    Chapter 2: I liked the reference to the "horrific myth" story from Diamond and Pearl at the beginning of the chapter. It makes me wonder if this scene will become more important later on.

    Kuiora is a cutie. I think you captured the fact that she is a young Pokemon very well through her fascination with everything around her, and her eagerness to go out and see the world. Her ego seems perfect for a Totodile, too. Also, she has a very unique name - how did you come up with it? (Kui means eat in Japanese, so I was wondering if that's what you were going for.) Finally, I liked the interplay between Sai, Senori, and Kuiora. Their differing personalities really contributed to the awkwardness of the scene where they all meet each other, I think. (Hope that made any sense.)

    Found another little mistake:

    They were having trouble standing with the wind blowing against us, though I did not feel it, as the professor standing in front of me and blocking it.
    You forgot the "was" between "professor" and "standing."

    Overall: strong follow-up to the first chapter.

    Chapter 3: Really powerful chapter. Senori's backstory was heartbreaking, and his guilt over what happened was so well conveyed that I genuinely felt sorry for him. I don't often react like that to characters, so great job on that.

    And something occured to me as I read this for the second time: I think it would be really interesting if Sai were to catch a Sneasel later on in the fic. It would certainly add an extra layer of tension to Senori's character. But you can disregard this, I'm really just thinking out loud here.

    I didn't notice any errors this time around, so nicely done.

    Overall: I don't have much else to say about this chapter; this was great!

    Chapter 4: This was my favorite chapter so far, mainly because you helped me to see the Pokemon world in a different way. Case in point:

    It wasn’t that I hated pokémon. I hated peoples’ love for pokémon. It was consuming and overwhelming and encouraged far too much. It seemed to be the only reason for people to wake up in the morning, the only thing that made life worth living. Everything else was forgotten—reading, writing, school for jobs that made food and buildings, school for jobs that helped the sick... There had to be something else to life that not enough people were seeing.
    A Pokemon that wants people to be less obsessed with Pokemon? That's a very unique character you have there. Sure, I could see a person holding that viewpoint, but for a Pokemon to be talking about the Pokemon-human relationship like that is something I've never considered.

    As a corollary, I really liked Atis' character overall. He reminds me a little of myself, actually: low-key and doesn't like to be the center of attention. His unsettled reaction to Sai was also quite realistic - I imagine I'd act like that myself if I met Sai in person.

    Another highlight of this chapter was the battle against Falkner. Once again, I'd never thought about describing a battle from the Pokemon's perspective (and this is coming from someone who's played Pokemon for over 12 years). I believe all the characters' personalities really came through in this scene: Atis maintained his reluctant nature, but was surprisingly resourceful; Falkner and his Pidgeotto were both perfect in their competitiveness; and Sai remained as naive and indifferent as ever. I'm still wondering what Sai's true purpose is. How can he keep getting away with knowing next to nothing about Pokemon?!

    Moving on, I noticed a couple more errors in this chapter.

    I quietly said, “I’m sorry,” and hoped that the bird understand.
    Should be "understood," or maybe "hoped that the bird would understand."

    “But I—” I started to say. But what? I belonged to Earl?
    This isn't too important, but something about the punctuation at the end of the bolded part seems...off to me. I know you're trying to convey that Atis is confused, but to me, the question mark there doesn't quite fit. I'm not exactly sure how to remedy that, however.

    “We’re leaving in a week,” Sai said. “You best be ready.”
    This might sound better: "you'd best be ready."

    Overall: despite the (minor) errors, this was a great chapter.

    So, as I said before, I'm really enjoying this fic so far, and I'm looking forward to see where you're going to go with this. I'll try to review Chapters 5-7 soon. (I hope my comments helped, by the way. I was really just writing down my impressions to everything, so I hope it all made sense.) I'd really appreciate if you could put me on the PM list - I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter!

    Keep up the great work!

    ~Crimson Penguin
    Last edited by Crimson Penguin; 5th June 2012 at 3:46 AM.

    Friend Safari - Bug with Butterfree/Volbeat/Vivillon - PM me for my FC!
        Spoiler:- Shiny hunting stuff:


  5. #80
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Distant Valhalla
    Posts
    8,206

    Default

    And thus, I read the most recent chapter.

    I'm liking Sai more and more. I keep feeling as if he was sent on this journey in order to learn how to control his emotions, to learn how to make his own choices, doesn't matter whether right or wrong, as long as he's learning out of them. Seeing him turn down a badge upon realizing Bugsy was going easy on him earned him many points in my book as there aren't many noble trainers out there. And of course, Senori will have to realize that his emotions can't always correspond to those of his trainer. I understand that Sai is always above him but that doesn't mean he's not allowed of having his own emotions, feelings in his free will.

    Thankfully, Sai's mood swings seem to make him realize that he won't be able to keep up with Sai.

    In a way, Senori is developing thanks to Sai's help and that's something extraordinary.

    Though I'm sad that Kuiora didn't get to battle. Ah well, at least she was as amusing as always. :] You definitely have a great story going on here so keep it up! I'm looking forward to Sai's development as well as some new team members. ^^


  6. #81
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    I really like Atis a lot, he's a type of character with a very "Social Anxiety"-ish demeanor and personality, that's what I like about him. He's relatable in that aspect, not to mention he's just interesting since he seems to want the students to choose a path in life other then Pokemon, which is a bit surprising since a lot of peoples' worlds in Pokemon revolve around Pokemon, trying to escape them is futile in a way. I can understand how he might feel attached to some of the kids after hanging out with them so often, it was really endearing. His attitude toward Sai was pretty nicely written, he certainly is the type of character who doesn't like too much attention despite having such strength and being fully evolved at that. He seems more street smarter and tougher then Kuiora or Senori.
    Feel like I'm pretty much reading my notes here. You really got his character.

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    I wonder why Faulkner would use his tired Pidgeotto against Atis? Seemed weird, and a bit of an advantage for Sai. I was surprised Sai gave no orders to Atis and let him do his own thing, the backstory on Atis evolving due to high amount of school battles and living with Earl was pretty nice stuff. He seems like a real fun character to write, and you really "feel" his anxiety.
    Falkner used the tired Pidgeotto because that's all he really has. It's never really explicitly stated, but since he says he's been through many battles for the day already, it can be inferred.

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    Can't believe Earl just let Atis go, just like "that" with no problem.
    Seemed odd when I was writing it too, though Earl seems like the type of guy who goes along with anything thrown his way. He also just wanted Atis to be happy.

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    I might even say she's stronger then Senori probably, sure Senori is Sai's first but he's not really strong for a supposed leader, at least in comparison to Kuiora and Atis.
    That's assuming that the only strength you need as a leader is physical strength.

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    The Cave Interaction scene was interesting, I wonder if that'll get done any further or if the boy will appear again.
    The boy will definitely appear again. I hope to expand on that scene since it was kind of cut short.

    Thanks for reading/reviewing. Would you like to be on the PM list? You're almsot caught up.


    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    In some of the chapters, I noticed that the end of the chapters didn't have much of a closure, which is understandable considering it's not the end. At the same time I didn't feel as if there were cliffhangers either.
    Interesting. It may have something to do with the fact I've never really written anything chaptered before? I don't quite know how to close a chapter. Any suggestions?

    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    The dialogue seemed fine to me, although there were times it felt a little bit repetitive.
    I'm glad you liked the fic, and I'll watch out for repetitive dialogue in the future. Would you like to be added to the PM list?

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    Sai is an enigma. When he was was first introduced, he resembled a cold-hearted robot but last chapter completely threw me off with Sai being ecstatic about stuff and wanting to go in everyone's houses - at the very end, he went crazy going as far to throw a lamp at Atis. Perhaps Sai is bipolar? Perhaps he can't control his emotions well? Could that be the reason he prefers staying cold all the time? Because it certainly seems like it. And like others have already said, he's very cryptic and I just can decipher his character - he's very interesting and, I can just say bravo for creating such an intriguing and enigmatic character who forces you to question him and his actions whilst making you wish for more and driving you crazy in your desire to find out more about him.

    Is he any relation to the title of this story? Survival project? Does Sai have anything to do with this?

    I wouldn't be surprised if he did, though I can't even come up with a single theory regarding that. Except for him wanting to gather all eight badges, I have no clue where this story is going and that's a good thing - that keeps things suspenseful and interesting.
    I'm glad you like Sai so much. And you've got some interesting theories about his odd behavior already. The title does refer to everyone, though it does refer to Sai more than anyone else. Hopefully the mystery behind it all won't be a disappointment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    She will definitely be the strongest one day, haha.
    Oh, I love your Kuiora-like attitude here. I'm glad you like her so much, she does seem to be a lot of peoples' favorites.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    I'm quite happy Atis left because - being a mascot? Seriously? Is that really better than traveling the exciting world of Pokémon?
    "the exciting world of pokemon" - Atis may beat you up for that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    I know, I know - this review sucks.
    Actually, I enjoyed the review and appreciate it very much. This is a character-driven fic so it's always nice to get feedback on the characters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    You do a great job on having a Pokémon talk about its surroundings, explaining how it feels, what it sees - I can understand which chapter revolves around which Pokémon without even looking at the title - they have distinctive personalities so it's easy to identify them.
    Oh, yes. Good, good.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    I'm looking forward to the fourth team member, though I'm hoping for a more original way of Sai getting it. Perhaps the certain Pokémon starts following Sai around? It'd be a nice change of pace and quite refreshing.
    Hmmm, I was thinking about how to catch the next pokemon, but I completely forgot what I had in mind. That's what I get for leaving the fic alone for a month, though I think it was a well-needed break.

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    Oh, and one last thing: How come people can understand Pokémon in your world?
    Nurse Joy understands them because she spends so much time with pokemon. So does Sai--it adds to his mystery as you ask, why? And where? No one else has been seen being able to talk to pokemon. I believe that if you spend time with them, you understand them based off of gestures, tone of voice, etc.

    Thanks for reading/reviewing, and I'll be getting to your fic after this. Would you like to be adding to PM list?

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Hello! I've been following Survival Project since it started, and I must say, this is one of my favorite fics on Serebii right now. You're obviously an excellent writer, and every new chapter is so intriguing and full of surprises. I've been wanting to review this for a while, and I'm glad that I finally get the chance to do so!
    This makes me glad that I had to take a month-long break from writing this. I'm glad you decided to tell me you've been reading.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Chapter 2: I liked the reference to the "horrific myth" story from Diamond and Pearl at the beginning of the chapter. It makes me wonder if this scene will become more important later on.
    If all goes according to plan, it should be important! If you're a writer you know that nothing usually goes as planned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Also, she has a very unique name - how did you come up with it? (Kui means eat in Japanese, so I was wondering if that's what you were going for.)
    I believe one of the meanings for "Kui" in Chinese is fearsome and awe-struck, and "ora" means prayer, referring to her religious fascination. There's so many meanings out there, but basically I put together small phrases/words like that and make a name.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    And something occured to me as I read this for the second time: I think it would be really interesting if Sai were to catch a Sneasel later on in the fic. It would certainly add an extra layer of tension to Senori's character. But you can disregard this, I'm really just thinking out loud here.
    I've been thinking the same thing. It makes me feel like a cruel, cruel person. But it's totally possible, LOL.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    I'm still wondering what Sai's true purpose is. How can he keep getting away with knowing next to nothing about Pokemon?!
    With a lot of luck and sympathy on the writer's part. Just kidding on that second part, kind of. He better enjoy it while it lasts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    So, as I said before, I'm really enjoying this fic so far, and I'm looking forward to see where you're going to go with this. I'll try to review Chapters 5-7 soon. (I hope my comments helped, by the way. I was really just writing down my impressions to everything, so I hope it all made sense.) I'd really appreciate if you could put me on the PM list - I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
    It was helpful, don't worry. And I'll fix those mistakes you pointed out soon. I'll add you to PM list as well. Thanks a lot!

    To anyone about the next chapter:

    I hope to have it up soon. I already have 1500 words down and the outline for the chapter's events, just have to keep going. I don't really want to make excuses, you can ask why I haven't written if you want, but yeah, I'll try to have it up soon. MOTIVATION, ANYONE?!
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 8th June 2012 at 2:42 AM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  7. #82
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Somewhere in Hoenn
    Posts
    669

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    This makes me glad that I had to take a month-long break from writing this. I'm glad you decided to tell me you've been reading.
    Yes, I've only had my account for a little over a week (I figured I'd wait until school got out so I could properly review without being too pressed for time); otherwise I would have responded sooner.

    If all goes according to plan, it should be important! If you're a writer you know that nothing usually goes as planned.
    Oh yes, I know how that goes. I'm currently working on a one-shot and a chaptered fic, and they're both frustrating the heck out of me right now, because the words just don't want to put themselves down the way I had them in my head. Aaarrgh.

    I believe one of the meanings for "Kui" in Chinese is fearsome and awe-struck, and "ora" means prayer, referring to her religious fascination. There's so many meanings out there, but basically I put together small phrases/words like that and make a name.
    Ah, that makes much more sense now (and it's a lot more sophisticated than my original idea, lol). I'm always curious about the meaning behind characters' names, especially since you've come up with such great unique ones.

    I've been thinking the same thing. It makes me feel like a cruel, cruel person. But it's totally possible, LOL.
    I'm glad I'm not the only one, then! I mean, I really like Senori, but...that seems almost too good of an opportunity to pass up. *evil grin*

    With a lot of luck and sympathy on the writer's part. Just kidding on that second part, kind of. He better enjoy it while it lasts.
    Hmm...can't wait to see what you have in store for him, it shall be interesting.

    It was helpful, don't worry. And I'll fix those mistakes you pointed out soon. I'll add you to PM list as well. Thanks a lot!
    Good, glad it helped. I hope I wasn't too harsh with pointing out the mistakes, but I'm (unfortunately) an ultra-perfectionist/grammar Nazi, so little things like that tend to catch my attention. And thank you for adding me!

    Well, since I'm here, I'll go ahead and review the next chapter!

    Chapter 5:

    Violet City wasn’t violet. There was green grass and brown buildings and white walking paths and there weren’t even any violet flowers. And the purple roofs didn’t count. It was sort of disappointing. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but it was certainly more than this. This city looked just like New Bark Town, except just organized in an entirely different way. A city full of flower houses and purple people would have been better.
    I quite like this opening. It suits Kuiora's youth and naivete perfectly.

    And speaking of Kuiora, you've developed her personality excellently in this chapter. I find it funny how she's so self-confident and thinks herself to be this awesomely strong Pokemon, even though she actually has very little experience. It seems that her status as Professor Elm's "favorite" starter has spoiled her rotten.

    My favorite part of this chapter is the interaction between Kuiora and Senori. They're such opposites of each other, and the clash between Kuiora's youthful energy and rebelliousness and Senori's quiet, reluctant authority made for a very interesting scene. Then there's the part after Kuiora caught Senori in a Pokeball (which was totally awesome, by the way):

    Walking up to Senori’s pokéball, I wondered if I should let him back out. But that would just be asking for more teasing and more complaints about things I wanted to do. Also, he was tired… Wouldn’t it have been best to just leave him in there to rest? Plus, I wasn’t the trainer. Sai could make these kinds of decisions himself. This was just an accident, so my actions didn’t count. I picked up the ball, which was easier now that it was back to its original tiny form. It didn’t feel any heavier, nor were there any signs that a pokémon was inside of it. It was almost as if Senori didn’t exist at all. I vaguely wondered again if I should release him, because if I were him, I wouldn’t want to be erased so easily. I had so much to do. I had to get stronger. I had to be deemed worthy of the legends. So much to do, and Sai made it seem like there wasn’t much time…
    I think this paragraph just about sums up everything about a child's beliefs and attitudes about the world and her role in it. Very well done.

    Now, about Sai...He's getting weirder by the minute here. He seems to be so indifferent towards everything around him. From his seeming lack of need for food to his distrust of Nurse Joy, something is fundamentally off about him. The way he reacted towards the trainer who saved Senori almost reminded me of Paul from the anime - Sai has his own way of training and dealing with things. I wish I could come up with some cool conspiracy theory about who he really is, but he's just so bizarre that I can't think of a conceivable explanation.

    Finally, here's another one of my nitpicks:

    It was a strange looking creature that had been named Atis. It was strange looking, but also intimidating.
    I'm not sure if the repetition of "strange looking" was intentional or not, but if it wasn't, you may want to change the wording here to avoid being redundant. Also, I believe that the phrase "but also" always has to be preceded by a phrase containing "not only," although I'm not 100% sure on that.

    Overall: once again, I loved this chapter.

    Well, I was going to review the other two chapters, but I'm a bit short on time right now, so that'll have to wait until a little later, I'm afraid. Still, I'll try to get everything written up within the next couple of days. I hope the review helped, and good luck on the next chapter!

    ~Crimson Penguin

    Friend Safari - Bug with Butterfree/Volbeat/Vivillon - PM me for my FC!
        Spoiler:- Shiny hunting stuff:


  8. #83
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Yes, I've only had my account for a little over a week (I figured I'd wait until school got out so I could properly review without being too pressed for time); otherwise I would have responded sooner.
    Oh well, doesn't matter when, I'm just glad you replied at all!

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Oh yes, I know how that goes. I'm currently working on a one-shot and a chaptered fic, and they're both frustrating the heck out of me right now, because the words just don't want to put themselves down the way I had them in my head. Aaarrgh.
    Lol, aww. I just have learned to do as little outlining/character development as possible and just let them handle it on their own as I write.

    Now, about Sai...He's getting weirder by the minute here. He seems to be so indifferent towards everything around him. From his seeming lack of need for food to his distrust of Nurse Joy, something is fundamentally off about him. The way he reacted towards the trainer who saved Senori almost reminded me of Paul from the anime - Sai has his own way of training and dealing with things. I wish I could come up with some cool conspiracy theory about who he really is, but he's just so bizarre that I can't think of a conceivable explanation.
    Lol, well you're not the only one who's confused! I look forward to seeing how/if your opinion of him changes over time, though.

    Thanks for reviewing again! The nitpick you pointed out was intentional on my part, so I don't know if I'd change it, but it's in my head.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  9. #84
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default


    SURVIVAL PROJECT

    chapter 8 ; [KUIORA]
    belong

    *

    I had learned some things while traveling with Sai thus far. First and foremost, I had learned that every person and pokémon should have their own name for the sake of clarity. I had learned that not everyone knows about the legendary pokémon and how special they are. I had learned that every building looks almost the same, with some exceptions. I could live with those exceptions. But I could not live with the exception for the most important thing I had learned: I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from everyone else that no one could realize my superiority.

    I hated admitting it, but Senori was right. Sai didn’t know how hard I had trained, and therefore he didn’t use me in the battle like I wanted him to. I had foolishly expected him to just… know what I had done. Panic coursed through me as I saw him send Senori out to the battle field. I jumped and jumped, tried to get his attention, but it didn’t work. Asking directly didn’t work, either. Anyone can expect things to happen, jump up and down, or ask for things. But not everyone can work as hard as me to get what they want. So, naturally, I was beyond confused and had way too many questions.

    The only conclusion I could come to was that there were exceptions. Senori hadn’t done anything at all to get the special attention he got at the gym. He was chosen by Sai without a second thought, and the boy stood up for him despite how he needed that badge so badly and as quickly as possible. Yes, the sentret’s battle was rather humiliating, but being chosen by our trainer was still an accomplishment. Why was Senori an exception? Why was he Sai’s first pokémon? What about Atis, who wasn’t rewarded for the hard work he did at Violet City? How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?

    …What about me?

    *

    When we started walking out of the forest-like gym, I immediately started thinking of ways to get Sai’s attention next time. We would be back, after all.

    I thought that, perhaps, I would have to train in odd areas, like his room in the pokémon center. Messing up his room would force him to look at me, because who wants to pay money for a damaged room when it could be avoided? That was hard when we had separate rooms. Or I would have to force myself to evolve soon so that I could be bigger and even more intimidating than my unpredictable trainer. But I wasn’t close to evolving; my body wasn’t feeling any changes, nor did I feel ready emotionally. My more desperate plans consisted of asking Senori or Atis for help. They could ask him to pay attention to me, and Sai would listen without a doubt. But that would be a last resort, I decided.

    I paced back and forth in the hallway where all of our rooms were. Atis did the same, but he muttered about Senori a few times. The snarky pokémon wasn’t on my mind. In my mind I was running from New Bark Town to Azalea Town once more, except this time I imagined myself more successful and stronger. I paced back and forth, but in reality I knew that I was going nowhere. I had to do something—and fast.

    I turned to Atis. “Would you have wanted to battle against the scyther and caterpie?” I asked.

    The hitmontop halted, seemingly embarrassed at being noticed and confronted so suddenly. “N-No,” he stammered, “not really. The scyther looked scary.”

    “It did, huh? And Senori certainly won’t want to fight again.”

    “I would agree with that…”

    “So I’ll be fighting next.”

    “Yes…” Atis said, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to the room to his door, probably wishing that it wasn’t locked and that Sai had given us the keys.

    “That’s not really fair,” I pointed out. “That means Sai will just choose me because I’m last choice.”

    “You’re a baby. It’s not an insult, he’s just protecting you…”

    “I’m a baby, but I’m going to be better than you soon enough. Amazing, right?” I said, glaring at the pokémon. For a fighting-type, he sure chose odd battles to fight. “Do you think Sai will be taking long?”

    Atis ignored my first comment and said, “It will probably be a few hours, yeah. Healing pokémon takes a while.”

    “I’m going to the gym. I’m going to get that badge by myself, then.”

    “W-What?” Atis said, turning to me swiftly and nearly falling over. “Why don’t you just wait for Sai?”

    “If I can get Bugsy’s badge all by myself, then I’ll be first choice next time. I’ll be doing him a favor, anyway. He’s busy and in a hurry to get things done, which is a terrible combination.”

    Atis looked down, shifted uncomfortably. “I guess… I still don’t think you should go by yourself.”

    “Fine,” I said, thinking that I would need to learn from my mistakes and make sure there was a witness to my power, anyway. “I’m taking you with me.”

    *

    Physically, the city hadn’t changed much. It was still light, and it was full of buildings and trees and people walking around, all of which, unlike me, were going nowhere. The gym hadn’t changed much either. The bug pokémon still sat on sturdy branches and watched potential challengers walking through the door with disinterest. Things were still quiet aside from the occasional yell of a trainer that the bugs were so accustomed to that they didn’t flinch or even look in the general direction of the noise.

    The feelings that stirred inside me, however, were much different. Last time, I stayed relaxed yet excited for what was (supposed) to come. This time, I knew that I was going into the unknown, so I was tense yet determined. There was nothing to be done—I had set my eyes on my goal, and nothing could stop me.

    “That’s the gym leader right there,” Atis said. He stopped walking and lifted his hand feebly, pointing out the small boy with purple hair and ranger clothes fit for the pretender that he was in this fake forest.

    “I know that,” I said. Perhaps I spoke a bit too loudly, as the boy’s head snapped in our direction and his eyes widened in surprise. “And he knows who we are, too.”

    “Where is your trainer?” Bugsy called out, standing up. His hands were curled around the handle of a watering can, and on the ground near him lay a bowl of what appeared to be berries. It would have been a decent sight had he been taking care of an actual part of nature rather than this fake place he had created.

    “He’s at the pokémon center, healing the sentret,” I said, standing up as tall as I could.

    “I see… Is he coming back for a gym battle later, then?”

    “No,” I said sharply, offended. “I came to get the badge right here and now. I don’t need to wait for him.”

    “Ah, yes. I remember you wanting to battle. Very eager, aren’t you? But you’re just like your trainer,” Bugsy said, kneeling back down and starting to water plants once more.

    “My trainer?”

    Bugsy chuckled lightly. “Well, you should know that strong pokémon are not always the only kind of pokémon as well. If you want my badge, then you have to evolve one of my pokémon here. It doesn’t matter which, or how you do it—just be civil, of course.”

    “Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes. I considered just leaving. I had come here to battle, and now I wouldn’t even get the chance. This was a job for the shy little Atis who didn’t want anyone near him. I looked at him curiously.

    “We’ll do it,” Atis said, with no hesitation.

    I glared at Bugsy.

    *

    The forest was vast, but so was the amount of pokémon in it. Evolving a pokémon, I thought, would be easy. Professor Elm, when confronted by several of our evolution questions, said that while we could grow and evolve fast, bug-types were the quickest. I had been training and traveling with Sai for weeks now, however, and still felt little change. I was stronger, yes, but I didn’t feel stronger. My body was growing, yes, but my mind was in the same place.

    “Let’s see what I can do,” I mumbled. Since Bugsy was no longer available to glare at, I stared at Atis instead, hoping to shock him into thinking that this was hopeless after all, that Sai would just have to get the badge on his own time, like a normal trainer.

    “R-Right,” he said, fidgeting and turning every which way that didn’t involve him having to see me.

    We came across, of course, a ton of bug pokémon. They all seemed hesitant to come near us, but still intrigued at the same time as they stuck their heads out from behind bushes and as they stared down at us from the branches.

    “We just have to pick one,” I said impatiently, stopping. I turned to my left. Standing in front of the bushes was a small and yellow pokémon with no limbs that I could see. It had black beady eyes, and it spoke its name over and over with a deep voice.

    “This one? A kakuna?” Atis asked, stopping as well.

    “Yes.” I didn’t mention that I didn’t know it was a kakuna up until now.

    “Why?”

    “You’d ask that about any pokémon, so I don’t feel too inclined to answer.”

    Atis was silent.

    I walked up to the pokémon and very briefly explained our mission. The kakuna kept mumbling its name, completely apathetic.

    “We’re pokémon, too, you know. You don’t have to say your name as if you were talking to a human… Not that you should have to say your own name when talking at all…” Atis said. He started to back up, probably thinking this was a bad idea. I was at least inclined to agree with him there.

    “Uh, maybe we should find a different pokémon,” Atis suggested.

    “No,” I said quickly. “If this thing is dumb enough to talk like that, then it has an awful lot to learn. Learning means growing and growing leads to evolution, right?”

    “I guess…”

    “Okay. Go ahead and teach it to talk. You’re a school thing.”

    “Um…” Atis said, treading lightly as he moved toward the still kakuna and its robotic voice. “Well, like I said, humans will hear your name, but you can say whatever you want, okay? Please talk to us.”

    “Kakuna, kakuna,” it said. Did it even have a mouth?

    Atis looked back and forth between me and the kakuna, as if the little yellow creature was tricking him and going to attack at any moment. “I think evolution refers to fighting experience mostly…” he said.

    “That’s the only effort you’re going to give?!” I cried, covering my face.

    Atis, the smart and strong one, said, “I know about pokémon, not speech.”

    “Kakuna is a pokémon!”

    He had nothing to say to that. Then I got another idea. With my fist still balled up, I ran over to the kakuna as fast as I could, drew my arm back, and punched it as powerfully as I could in an attempt to get some kind of reaction. I got a reaction, yeah—from myself. Excruciating pain shot through my stubby arm and then throughout my entire body. My hand throbbed. I winced, but tried not to whine. Don’t whine, don’t show weakness, even if the kakuna is hard as rock.

    “That was a bad idea,” Atis pointed out dumbly.

    “You’re a bad idea,” I said, rather childishly, I would admit. My voice broke and he probably noticed. “I have another idea. I think”—I tried to regain my composure here—“that we should fight instead. Seeing things is still gaining experience.”

    “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Atis started, turning to leave immediately. “I think we should just go get Sai and let him take care of it…”

    “If you won’t fight me, I’ll find someone who will!” I said, drawing back the same arm I used on the kakuna and running toward Atis this time. I supposed that I should have made sure the kakuna was watching first, but my rage toward Atis wasn’t really letting me think straight at the time. Since Atis was turned, I ended up punching him in the middle of his round back, sending him sprawling forward and into the dirt of the forest floor. His wails muffled as he landed, and he didn’t get back up for a while. I wondered if I had already won and proven that I was the strongest.

    After a few moments, I peered over at the kakuna. It had at least stopped murmuring its own name. I vaguely wondered if, like Sai and Senori and everyone else, the kakuna had a special name aside from its species name. I didn’t get to think about it much, however, as I saw Atis stir in the corner of my eye. Looking at the kakuna again, I prepared a water gun attack. The liquid filled my mouth and was bursting to get out, it didn’t matter where. Since I was convinced that the little thing was watching, I sprayed it toward Atis, just as I had done in the hotel on a day that seemed like forever ago. I didn’t hear any wailing this time, but I could tell he was hurt, since his body was splayed out on the ground once more, unmoving.

    I walked up to him, sure that the kakuna was still observing my obvious prowess. When I was close to his body, I lifted my foot and shook his hands, his legs, anything to get him up. While I wanted to be stronger, it would be bad if he lost here and I wasn’t able to evolve the kakuna. Yes, I had brought him here for something, after all, other than to witness my victory.

    “Don’t be useless now,” I murmured, still kicking him lightly.

    Suddenly, a green aura appeared that stung my foot a bit. Naturally, I moved back, afraid of the new… attack? I couldn’t tell what this thing was. The circular barrier surrounded all of Atis’s body, and continued to do so as he stood up slowly, not facing me.

    “I’m not useless, you know,” he said—calmly, I noticed. “I know Sai better than you do. I helped children… even if I didn’t want to…”

    I didn’t say anything.

    He still didn’t turn to face me. He was trying to stand up for himself and was still being shy when doing so, of course. Instead, however, he lifted his leg, and I knew an attack was coming, so I braced myself, tried to move back even further so maybe he’d miss.

    But I didn’t do it fast enough.

    The first thing I felt was his spikes digging into me despite my tough skin. Pain immediately coursed through my entire body, and I could see blood splattering from the corner of my eye. I flew backward, seeing Atis get smaller and smaller, further and further. He was also blurry… due to the tears in my eyes. I had no idea what my destination was until, of course, my body smashed right into the poor kakuna who had simply been staring and standing still, innocently, the entire time. With the force of impact, the two of us also flew back into a nearby tree with a loud thud.

    My head spun, my side hurt, I was crying, even my blood deserted me, the weak Atis was staring in horror, and I was laying on top of a glowing and mute kakuna. I vaguely sighed in relief, thinking that Atis had found a way to make it fight. But this wasn’t a fighting glow. Didn’t kakuna only know one attack, and that was to make itself harder so that poor opponents like me could break their hand with a single punch?

    The kakuna kept glowing, blinding me along with the tears. I could at least make out its figure, which was growing larger by the second. I was distracted as I heard Atis running over, crying out to me.

    “You need to move! I’m sorry!” he cried. Screaming as he grabbed me on both of my sides, we made it back over into the clearing, away from the evolving kakuna.

    Evolving.

    We could get the badge, now, at least.

    I supposed that kakuna needing a small amount of experience was an understatement, and it made me chuckle slightly, though I vowed not to do that for a while as my body stung in response. I turned my head as quickly as I could while still being careful in time to see the glowing fade away and reveal a new pokémon, one with stingers, a pair of antennas, and black and yellow stripes—definitely something to be feared should anyone else come across the pokémon now. Evolution, I thought, was surely an amazing thing.

    Meanwhile, Atis was still muttering, “I’m sorry,” so I told him to shut up and not ruin the moment. He listened, but Bugsy decided to ruin the moment instead. If he made it better, I sure didn’t feel any better yet. No battle, I was hurt anyway, and Atis had made the kakuna evolve, not me.

    “You managed to evolve Kakuna into a beedrill after all… and it looks like you got some battle experience yourself,” Bugsy said, smirking. Did he enjoy me bleeding on his forest floor? I wondered if he had been watching the entire time. “As promised, you may have the Hive Badge.”

    Atis took the badge in his hand after Bugsy took it out of his pocket. I simply looked at it, but didn’t touch it. I couldn’t get blood on it and then give it to Sai, though it may have proved I had worked for it… Nevertheless, the tiniest thing in the world, this little red badge with a black strip at the top and three black dots below it, made me smile a bit.

    “Beedrill!” Bugsy yelled, also smiling. “Come over here and say something now.”

    The beedrill hovered over, and I found it amusing that this was the first time I had really seen the pokemon move. Was evolution really so easy, so simple? And could the beedrill talk now, when it couldn’t before? I quickly received my answer.

    “I was shy… so I kept saying my name to avoid fighting or making conversation… but I assure you, the entire time, I wanted to say thank you for choosing me.”

    My head still hurt.

    *

    Every time Atis tried to talk after that—usually trying to say sorry or tend to my wounds—I simply said nothing.

    When we were walking back with the badge, aside from dealing with Atis’s annoying self, all I could do was stare at it and think of what the kakuna—now Beedrill—had said. Now, it would be my turn to get chosen. I would make sure of it. Fighting Atis had given me an idea. We remained silent the entire way back, since I knew that if I brought it up, he would be upset and flustered once more. Nevertheless, I would do what I had to. If you won’t fight me, I’ll find someone who will.

    It really was that simple. Even though it was getting dark outside now, plenty of people were out and about, and they were all staring at me, some of them covering their mouth with their hands in surprise. But they didn’t do anything to help me. We made our way to the pokémon center, found Sai in the lobby, no one bothering to say anything, not even the nurse inside. Sai was even stunned into silence at first. All is always quiet when a known victory is made.

    He ran to me with Senori in his arms and dropped to his knees.

    “What happened to you?” he asked, his free hand moving toward my bleeding side, grazing it with care. I could tell he wanted to do something to help me, but I wouldn’t let him.

    Instead, I said, “Fight me.”

    “What?” Sai said, pulling his hand back.

    I took the badge from Atis’s hand and presented it to him. “I won this for you. Fight me if you want it,” I said—slowly, seriously. He had to understand…

    “You won this? For me?” he replied, ignoring me as he stared at the badge dumbly.

    “I did. So fight me.”

    “You’re my pokémon, Kuiora. I can’t fight you.”

    “You fought Senori,” I said, making the disgust clear in my voice, not because it was immoral, but because he was denying me a chance now. I remembered Senori telling me about this, and knew, at that moment, I’d get Sai to fight me someday soon so that he’d accept me, too.

    “I had no pokémon to help me catch Senori.”

    “Senori was weak and I’m not. Fight me.”

    “I won’t,” Sai said, taking the badge out of my hand. Had I not been injured, I would have bit him, punched him, kicked him, hit him with my water gun until—

    I did punch him, at least. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see. Sai didn’t budge because the attack wasn’t very strong; my head still spun and I just couldn’t focus. But I was going to fight him and be chosen if it was the last thing I’d do.

    Others wailed in horror, and the nurse cried for Sai to stop his pokémon, to return me to my pokéball. Atis tried to hold me back, but I just sprayed him with water and he gave up easily. Senori, with his injuries, was useless, so he simply jumped out of Sai’s arms and stood on the side to watch the event unfold. Sai’s expression was slightly more angry, but not angry enough to fight me back. I punched him again and again, sometimes in the face, sometimes in the stomach, sometimes in the back. It was much easier than fighting the kakuna, but I tried not to let that bother me.

    Sai took each and every hit, bleeding a bit himself and obviously having some bruises forming. But it wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t budging. His fists were clenched, and he was frowning, growling. I decided that I had to still be stronger. How could I do that? By getting rid of these wounds. All I wanted was for him to fight me and accept that I was his pokémon, a pokémon so strong that he had to fight back to control.

    I had to evolve. Maybe I’d still be hurt, but I’d be stronger. My body had been growing, that was obvious. I was getting smarter, my mind was growing. I had trained so much, and in my desperate state of mind, I needed this, I needed this now.

    I finally let myself do so. I stopped punching Sai, stood back, and to them, I was glowing—just like the kakuna had for me and Atis. I could feel my body changing. I grew another set of spikes, this time on my head. My tail grew longer. My jaw was changing by turning smaller and more round, my teeth growing sharper and larger in quantity as compensation. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all, but I supposed that was the result of my training. Pokémon were meant for evolution, anyway, and the body and mind prepared itself nicely… so nicely that my wounds weren’t as severe. The dizziness was gone, and I could concentrate again. I was no longer bleeding, though my side still showed signs of injury from Atis’s spikes. The nurse would have to take care of me eventually, and I wondered what she’d think of me.

    When I felt complete, I opened my eyes. I was taller, and I was able to look down on Sai now. Perfect. I didn’t even stop to get a feel for my new form, just started punching him immediately once more. I would get used to my new body by training more and fighting—just to evolve once more, sometime in the near future, hopefully.

    I hit him and hit him and hit him. Over and over, and this time, I could hear him grunting with pain, and asking me why I was doing this, and that I had to stop. I was hardly listening, and finally, finally, when his voice was emanating throughout the entire pokémon center and I still hadn’t stopped, I got what I wanted.

    Sai punched me. Did he have a choice? He punched me. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see.

    That was all I wanted.
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 14th June 2012 at 2:19 AM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  10. #85
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Distant Valhalla
    Posts
    8,206

    Default

    Amazing chapter that gave us more insight into Kuiora's personality.

    She wasn't just comedic this time around, everything was just much more dramatic as Kuoir felt worthless and weak. All her '''m going to be stronger than you!' talk, it was nothing but her wishful desires. She's been training but she wasn't strong enough. She was chosen as the last one, she wasn't the one who evolved Kakuna but Atis - she simply wanted Sai's attention. I could truly feel her frustration and to be honest, I would feel frustrated as much as her in that same situation. That's why I was thrilled upon her evolution and when she started punching Sai. Sai did nothing wrong but I read those lines with pleasure and joy - the joy of Kuoira evolving and finally being able to show her trainer how strong she really was.

    If anything, this chapter solidified my preference for Kuoira, she's just one amazing character.

    And you, my dear friend, I can only say 'bravo' for making me this invested in her character! I'm sure we can expect many other amazing things from her! She grew and developed thus my love for Kuoira grew as well! Keep up with your excellent writing!


  11. #86
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,745

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post

    SURVIVAL PROJECT

    chapter 8 ; [KUIORA]
    belong

    *
    Oh boy, if this title is any indication, then this is going to be an emotional chapter.

    I had learned some things while traveling with Sai thus far. First and foremost, I had learned that every person and pokémon should have their own name for the sake of clarity. I had learned that not everyone knows about the legendary pokémon and how special they are. I had learned that every building looks almost the same, with some exceptions. I could live with those exceptions. But I could not live with the exception for the most important thing I had learned: I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from everyone else that no one could realize my superiority.

    I hated admitting it, but Senori was right. Sai didn’t know how hard I had trained, and therefore he didn’t use me in the battle like I wanted him to. I had foolishly expected him to just… know what I had done. Panic coursed through me as I saw him send Senori out to the battle field. I jumped and jumped, tried to get his attention, but it didn’t work. Asking directly didn’t work, either. Anyone can expect things to happen, jump up and down, or ask for things. But not everyone can work as hard as me to get what they want. So, naturally, I was beyond confused and had way too many questions.

    The only conclusion I could come to was that there were exceptions. Senori hadn’t done anything at all to get the special attention he got at the gym. He was chosen by Sai without a second thought, and the boy stood up for him despite how he needed that badge so badly and as quickly as possible. Yes, the sentret’s battle was rather humiliating, but being chosen by our trainer was still an accomplishment. Why was Senori an exception? Why was he Sai’s first pokémon? What about Atis, who wasn’t rewarded for the hard work he did at Violet City? How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?

    …What about me?
    This is a little unsettling, to hear Kuiora talking like this...

    When we started walking out of the forest-like gym, I immediately started thinking of ways to get Sai’s attention next time. I accidentally kicked a few bugs on the way out, but thought nothing of them. They were below me, and Bugsy’s caterpie certainly wouldn’t be causing me as many problems when we returned. We would be back, after all.
    I never thought Kuiora could ever act like this. This is kinda disturbing.

    I thought that, perhaps, I would have to train in odd areas, like his room in the pokémon center. Destroying his room would force him to look at me, because who wants to pay money for a damaged room when it could be avoided? That was hard when we had separate rooms. Or I would have to force myself to evolve soon so that I could be bigger and even more intimidating than my unpredictable trainer. But I wasn’t close to evolving; my body wasn’t feeling any changes, nor did I feel ready emotionally. My more desperate plans consisted of asking Senori or Atis for help. They could ask him to pay attention to me, and Sai would listen without a doubt. But that would be a last resort, I decided.
    I'm beginning to see some real possessiveness here. Looks like Kuiora was a lot more complicated than I thought.

    I paced back and forth in the hallway where all of our rooms were. Atis did the same, but he muttered about Senori a few times. The snarky pokémon wasn’t on my mind. In my mind I was running from New Bark Town to Azalea Town once more, except this time I imagined myself more successful and stronger. I paced back and forth, but in reality I knew that I was going nowhere. I had to do something—and fast.

    I turned to Atis. “Would you have wanted to battle against the scyther and caterpie?” I asked.

    The hitmontop halted, seemingly embarrassed at being noticed and confronted so suddenly. “N-No,” he stammered, “not really. The scyther looked scary.”

    “It did, huh? And Senori certainly won’t want to fight again.”

    “I would agree with that…”

    “So I’ll be fighting next.”
    I wouldn't be so sure, Kuiora...

    “Yes…” Atis said, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to the room to his door, probably wishing that it wasn’t locked and that Sai had given us the keys.

    “That’s not really fair,” I pointed out. “That means Sai will just choose me because I’m last choice.”

    “You’re a baby. It’s not an insult, he’s just protecting you…”
    I don't think I like where this is going, but we're really getting a great look into Kuiora's mind.

    “I’m a baby, but I’m going to be better than you soon enough. Amazing, right?” I said, glaring at the pokémon. For a fighting-type, he sure chose odd battles to fight. “Do you think Sai will be taking long?”

    Atis ignored my first comment and said, “It will probably be a few hours, yeah. Healing pokémon takes a while.”

    “I’m going to the gym. I’m going to get that badge by myself, then.”
    And now it just hit the fan. This will not end well.

    “W-What?” Atis said, turning to me swiftly and nearly falling over. “Why don’t you just wait for Sai?”

    “If I can get Bugsy’s badge all by myself, then I’ll be first choice next time. I’ll be doing him a favor, anyway. He’s busy and in a hurry to get things done, which is a terrible combination.”

    Atis looked down, shifted uncomfortably. “I guess… I still don’t think you should go by yourself.”

    “Fine,” I said, thinking that I would need to learn from my mistakes and make sure there was a witness to my power, anyway. “I’m taking you with me.”
    It almost seems like Kuiora is more of a trainer than an actual Pokemon.

    Physically, the city hadn’t changed much. It was still light, and it was full of buildings and trees and people walking around, all of which, unlike me, were going nowhere. The gym hadn’t changed much either. The bug pokémon still sat on sturdy branches and watched potential challengers walking through the door with disinterest. Things were still quiet aside from the occasional yell of a trainer that the bugs were so accustomed to that they didn’t flinch or even look in the general direction of the noise.

    The feelings that stirred inside me, however, were much different. Last time, I stayed relaxed yet excited for what was (supposed) to come. This time, I knew that I was going into the unknown, so I was tense yet determined. There was nothing to be done—I had set my eyes on my, and nothing could stop me.

    Nothing except Bugsy, that is.

    “That’s the gym leader right there,” Atis said. He stopped walking and lifted his hand feebly, pointing out the small boy with purple hair and ranger clothes fit for the pretender that he was in this fake forest.

    “I know that,” I said. Perhaps I spoke a bit too loudly, as the boy’s head snapped in our direction and his eyes widened in surprise. “And he knows who we are, too.”

    “Where is your trainer?” Bugsy called out, standing up. His hands were curled around the handle of a watering can, and on the ground near him lay a bowl of what appeared to be berries. It would have been a decent sight had he been taking care of an actual part of nature rather than this fake place he had created.
    I'm noticing a lot of cynicism out of Kuiora too, interestingly enough.

    “He’s at the pokémon center, healing the sentret,” I said, standing up as tall as I could.

    “I see… Is he coming back for a gym battle later, then?”

    “No,” I said sharply, offended. “I came to get the badge right here and now. I don’t need to wait for him.”

    “Ah, yes. I remember you wanting to battle. Very eager, aren’t you? But you’re just like your trainer,” Bugsy said, kneeling back down and starting to water plants once more.

    “My trainer is an idiot.”
    I wonder if Kuiora actually means that.

    Bugsy chuckled lightly. “Well, you should know that strong pokémon are not always the only kind of pokémon as well. If you want my badge, then you have to evolve one of my pokémon here. It doesn’t matter which, or how you do it—just be civil, of course.”
    What the? I'll be honest, this caught me way out of left field.

    “Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes. I considered just leaving. I had come here to battle, and now I wouldn’t even get the chance. This was a job for the shy little Atis who didn’t want anyone near him. I looked at him curiously.
    It sure sounds like Kuiora doesn't like her teammates.

    The forest was vast, but so was the amount of pokémon in it. Evolving a pokémon, I thought, would be easy. Professor Elm, when confronted by several of our evolution questions, said that while we could grow and evolve fast, bug-types were the quickest. I had been training and traveling with Sai for weeks now, however, and still felt little change. I was stronger, yes, but I didn’t feel stronger. My body was growing, yes, but my mind was in the same place.

    “Let’s see what I can do,” I mumbled. Since Bugsy was no longer available to glare at, I stared at Atis instead, hoping to shock him into thinking that this was hopeless after all, that Sai would just have to get the badge on his own time, like a normal trainer.

    “R-Right,” he said, fidgeting and turning every which way that didn’t involve him having to see me.

    We came across, of course, a ton of bug pokémon. They all seemed hesitant to come near us, but still intrigued at the same time as they stuck their heads out from behind bushes and as they stared down at us from the branches.
    Is this the artificial forest in the Gym or the actual one just outside town?

    “We just have to pick one,” I said impatiently, stopping. I turned to my left. Standing in front of the bushes was a small and yellow pokémon with no limbs that I could see. It had black beady eyes, and it spoke its name over and over with a deep voice.

    “This one? A Kakuna?” Atis asked, stopping as well.

    “Yes.” I didn’t mention that I didn’t know it was a Kakuna up until now.

    “Why?”

    “You’d ask that about any pokémon, so I don’t feel too inclined to answer.”

    Atis was silent.

    I walked up to the pokémon and very briefly explained our mission. The Kakuna kept mumbling its name, completely apathetic.

    “We’re pokémon, too, you know. You don’t have to say your name as if you were talking to a human… Not that you should have to say your own name when talking at all…” Atis said. He started to back up, probably thinking this was a bad idea. I was at least inclined to agree with him there.
    That's actually an interesting explanation of why Pokemon only say their names. I like it.

    “Uh, maybe we should find a different pokémon,” Atis suggested.

    “No,” I said quickly. “If this thing is dumb enough to talk like that, then it has an awful lot to learn. Learning means growing and growing leads to evolution, right?”

    “I guess…”

    “Okay. Go ahead and teach it to talk. You’re a school thing.”

    “Um…” Atis said, treading lightly as he moved toward the still Kakuna and its robotic voice. “Well, like I said, humans will hear your name, but you can say whatever you want, okay? Please talk to us.”

    “Kakuna, Kakuna,” it said. Did it even have a mouth?

    Atis looked back and forth between me and the Kakuna, as if the little yellow creature was tricking him and going to attack at any moment. “I think evolution refers to fighting experience mostly…” he said.

    “That’s the only effort you’re going to give?!” I cried, covering my face, wondering why I was bothering to hide my extreme disappointment.

    Atis, the smart and strong one, said, “I know about pokémon, not speech.”

    “Kakuna is a pokémon!”

    He had nothing to say to that. I clenched my fist, bit down hard, wondering if I could chew him to pieces once we were outside and somewhere private. But then I got another idea. With my fist still balled up, I ran over to the Kakuna as fast as I could, drew my arm back, and punched it as powerfully as I could in an attempt to get some kind of reaction. I got a reaction, yeah—from myself. Excruciating pain shot through my stubby arm and then throughout my entire body. My hand throbbed. I winced, but tried not to whine. Don’t whine, don’t show weakness, even if the Kakuna is hard as rock.
    Kuiora is starting to shock me. She's coming off like a completely different character now.

    “That was a bad idea,” Atis pointed out dumbly.

    “You’re a bad idea,” I said, rather childishly, I would admit. My voice broke and he probably noticed. “I have another idea. I think”—I tried to regain my composure here—“that we should fight instead. Seeing things is still gaining experience.”

    “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Atis started, turning to leave immediately. “I think we should just go get Sai and let him take care of it…”

    “If you won’t fight me, I’ll find someone who will!” I said, drawing back the same arm I used on the Kakuna and running toward Atis this time. I supposed that I should have made sure the Kakuna was watching first, but my rage toward Atis wasn’t really letting me think straight at the time. Since Atis was turned, I ended up punching him in the middle of his round back, sending him sprawling forward and into the dirt of the forest floor. His wails muffled as he landed, and he didn’t get back up for a while. I wondered if I had already won and proven that I was the strongest.

    After a few moments, I peered over at the Kakuna. It had at least stopped murmuring its own name. I vaguely wondered if, like Sai and Senori and everyone else, the Kakuna had a special name aside from its species name. I didn’t get to think about it much, however, as I saw Atis stir in the corner of my eye. Looking at the Kakuna again, I prepared a water gun attack. The liquid filled my mouth and was bursting to get out, it didn’t matter where. Since I was convinced that the little thing was watching, I sprayed it toward Atis, just as I had done in the hotel on a day that seemed like forever ago. I didn’t hear any wailing this time, but I could tell he was hurt, since his body was splayed out on the ground once more, unmoving.
    This is starting to get a little excessive. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to lose interest slightly, just because the tone of this chapter feels so different than before.

    I walked up to him, sure that the Kakuna was still observing my obvious prowess. When I was close to his body, I lifted my foot and shook his hands, his legs, anything to get him up. While I wanted to be stronger, it would be bad if he lost here and I wasn’t able to evolve the Kakuna. Yes, I had brought him here for something, after all.

    “Don’t be useless now,” I murmured, still kicking him.

    Suddenly, a green aura appeared that stung my foot a bit. Naturally, I moved back, afraid of the new… attack? I couldn’t tell what this thing was. The circular barrier surrounded all of Atis’s body, and continued to do so as he stood up slowly, not facing me.

    “I’m not useless, you know,” he said—calmly, I noticed. “I know Sai better than you do. I helped children… even if I didn’t want to…”

    I didn’t say anything.

    He still didn’t turn to face me. He was trying to stand up for himself and was still being shy when doing so, of course. Instead, however, he lifted his leg, and I knew an attack was coming, so I braced myself, tried to move back even further so maybe he’d miss.

    But I didn’t do it fast enough.

    The first thing I felt was his spikes digging into me despite my tough skin. Pain immediately coursed through my entire body, and I could see blood splattering from the corner of my eye. I flew backward, seeing Atis get smaller and smaller, further and further. He was also blurry… due to the tears in my eyes. I had no idea what my destination was until, of course, my body smashed right into the poor Kakuna who had simply been staring and standing still, innocently, the entire time. With the force of impact, the two of us also flew back into a nearby tree with a loud thud.

    My head spun, my side hurt, I was crying, even my blood deserted me, the weak Atis was staring in horror, and I was laying on top of a glowing and mute Kakuna. I vaguely sighed in relief, thinking that Atis had found a way to make it fight. But this wasn’t a fighting glow. Didn’t Kakuna only know one attack, and that was to make itself harder so that poor opponents like me could break their hand with a single punch?
    This part is presented in a bit of a confusing manner. Was it Atis or the Kakuna who was glowing and what attack did Atis use? I just find the way this whole part is worded to be a bit confusing.

    The Kakuna kept glowing, blinding me along with the tears. I could at least make out its figure, which was growing larger by the second. I was distracted as I heard Atis running over, crying out to me.

    “You need to move! I’m sorry!” he cried. Screaming as he grabbed me on both of my sides, we made it back over into the clearing, away from the evolving Kakuna.

    Evolving.

    We could get the badge, now, at least.
    I'm guessing that it was the Azalea Gym after all, then.

    I supposed that Kakuna needing a small amount of experience was an understatement, and it made me chuckle slightly, though I vowed not to do that for a while as my body stung in response. I turned my head as quickly as I could while still being careful in time to see the glowing fade away and reveal a new pokémon, one with stingers, a pair of antennas, and black and yellow stripes—definitely something to be feared should anyone else come across the pokemon now. Evolution, I thought, was surely an amazing thing.

    Meanwhile, Atis was still muttering, “I’m sorry,” so I told him to shut up and not ruin the moment. He listened, but Bugsy decided to ruin the moment instead. If he made it better, I sure didn’t feel any better yet. No battle, I was hurt anyway, and Atis had made the Kakuna evolve, not me.
    Bugsy kind of just came out of nowhere in this scene after apparently not being around for the entire training.

    “You managed to evolve Kakuna into a Beedrill after all… and it looks like you got some battle experience yourself,” Bugsy said, smirking. Did he enjoy me bleeding on his forest floor? I wondered if he had been watching the entire time, the little brat. “As promised, you may have the Hive Badge.”

    Atis took the badge in his hand after Bugsy took it out of his pocket. I simply looked at it, but didn’t touch it. I couldn’t get blood on it and then give it to Sai, though it may have proved I had worked for it… Nevertheless, the tiniest thing in the world, this little red badge with a black strip at the top and three black dots below it, made me smile a bit.

    “Beedrill!” Bugsy yelled, also smiling. “Come over here and say something now.”

    The Beedrill hovered over, and I found it amusing that this was the first time I had really seen the pokemon move. Was evolution really so easy, so simple? And could the Beedrill talk now, when it couldn’t before? I quickly received my answer.

    “I was shy… so I kept saying my name to avoid fighting or making conversation… but I assure you, the entire time, I wanted to say thank you for choosing me.”
    I guess that explanation makes sense.

    My head still hurt.

    *

    Every time Atis tried to talk after that—usually trying to say sorry or tend to my wounds—I simply said, “You’re weak, and I don’t want to hear it.”
    Wow, um... this is really not like the Kuiora I thought I knew.

    When we were walking back with the badge, aside from dealing with Atis’s annoying self, all I could do was stare at it and think of what the Kakuna—now Beedrill—had said. Now, it would be my turn to get chosen. I would make sure of it. Fighting Atis had given me an idea. We remained silent the entire way back, since I knew that if I brought it up, he would be upset and flustered once more. Nevertheless, I would do what I had to. If you won’t fight me, I’ll find someone who will.

    It really was that simple. Even though it was getting dark outside now, plenty of people were out and about, and they were all staring at me, some of them covering their mouth with their hands in surprise. But they didn’t do anything to help me. We made our way to the pokémon center, found Sai in the lobby, no one bothering to say anything, not even the nurse inside. Sai was even stunned into silence at first. All is always quiet when a known victory is made.

    He ran to me with Senori in his arms and dropped to his knees.

    “What happened to you?” he asked, his free hand moving toward my bleeding side, grazing it with care. I could tell he wanted to do something to help me, but I wouldn’t let him.
    It's good to see that Sai is still himself, at least his current mindset.

    Instead, I said, “Fight me.”

    “What?” Sai said, pulling his hand back.

    I took the badge from Atis’s hand and presented it to him. “I won this for you. Fight me if you want it,” I said—slowly, seriously. He had to understand…

    “You won this? For me?” he replied, ignoring me as he stared at the badge dumbly.

    “I did. So fight me.”

    “You’re my pokémon, Kuiora. I can’t fight you.”

    “You fought Senori,” I said, making the disgust clear in my voice, not because it was immoral, but because he was denying me a chance now. I remembered Senori telling me about this, and knew, at that moment, I’d get Sai to fight me someday soon so that he’d accept me, too.
    I understand this, but it's still quite disturbing.

    “I had no pokémon to help me catch Senori.”

    “Senori was weak and I’m not. Fight me.”

    “I won’t,” Sai said, taking the badge out of my hand. Had I not been injured, I would have bit him, punched him, kicked him, hit him with my water gun until—

    I did punch him, at least. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see. Sai didn’t budge because the attack wasn’t very strong; my head still spun and I just couldn’t focus. But I was going to fight him and be chosen if it was the last thing I’d do.

    Others wailed in horror, and the nurse cried for Sai to stop his pokémon, to return me to my pokéball. Atis tried to hold me back, but I just sprayed him with water and he gave up easily. Senori, with his injuries, was useless, so he simply jumped out of Sai’s arms and stood on the side to watch the event unfold. Sai’s expression was slightly more angry, but not angry enough to fight me back. I punched him again and again, sometimes in the face, sometimes in the stomach, sometimes in the back. It was much easier than fighting the Kakuna, but I tried not to let that bother me.

    Sai took each and every hit, bleeding a bit himself and obviously having some bruises forming. But it wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t budging. His fists were clenched, and he was frowning, growling. I decided that I had to still be stronger. How could I do that? By getting rid of these wounds. All I wanted was for him to fight me and accept that I was his pokémon, a pokémon so strong that he had to fight back to control.

    I had to evolve. Maybe I’d still be hurt, but I’d be stronger. My body had been growing, that was obvious. I was getting smarter, my mind was growing. I had trained so much, and in my desperate state of mind, I needed this, I needed this now.

    I finally let myself do so. I stopped punching Sai, stood back, and to them, I was glowing—just like the Kakuna had for me and Atis. I could feel my body changing. I grew another set of spikes, this time on my head. My tail grew longer. My jaw was changing by turning smaller and more round, my teeth growing sharper and larger in quantity as compensation. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all, but I supposed that was the result of my training. Pokémon were meant for evolution, anyway, and the body and mind prepared itself nicely… so nicely that my wounds weren’t as severe. The dizziness was gone, and I could concentrate again. I was no longer bleeding, though my side still showed signs of injury from Atis’s spikes. The nurse would have to take care of me eventually, and I wondered what she’d think of me.

    When I felt complete, I opened my eyes. I was taller, and I was able to look down on Sai now. Perfect. I didn’t even stop to get a feel for my new form, just started punching him immediately once more. I would get used to my new body by training more and fighting—just to evolve once more, sometime in the near future, hopefully.

    I hit him and hit him and hit him. Over and over, and this time, I could hear him grunting with pain, and asking me why I was doing this, and that I had to stop. I was hardly listening, and finally, finally, when his voice was emanating throughout the entire pokémon center and I still hadn’t stopped, I got what I wanted.

    Sai punched me. Did he have a choice? He punched me. Right in the face. Right there, in the pokémon center, where everyone could see.

    That was all I wanted.
    There are some good ideas here, but all of this happens way too fast, and something about it just feels wrong. I can't put my finger on just what it is, but this entire thing doesn't sit right with me.

    I don't know how I feel about this chapter. There certainly isn't anything bad about it. Focusing a chapter almost entirely on a Pokemon with Sai as only an accessory to the events of the chapter was a good idea, and the ideas presented in Kuiora's thoughts were fitting and necessary to tackle. However, it feels as if you might have tried to do too much with one single chapter, because at times the plot feels erratic and rushed, particularly in how fast Kuiora's thoughts evolve. Some of the scenes are also a little disturbing, which would have made them work better with a bit more attention paid to them. Chief in my mind is the very end, where Kuiora attacks Sai for little reason, prompting some response from the crowd in the Pokemon Center, but then Sai punches his Pokemon and there is no apparent reaction yet.

    I hope you won't take this the wrong way. It just wasn't my favorite chapter, and I think it could be done better in points.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 18: Winter of Discontent
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 1)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  12. #87
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Janovy View Post
    Amazing chapter that gave us more insight into Kuiora's personality.

    She wasn't just comedic this time around, everything was just much more dramatic as Kuoir felt worthless and weak. All her '''m going to be stronger than you!' talk, it was nothing but her wishful desires. She's been training but she wasn't strong enough. She was chosen as the last one, she wasn't the one who evolved Kakuna but Atis - she simply wanted Sai's attention. I could truly feel her frustration and to be honest, I would feel frustrated as much as her in that same situation. That's why I was thrilled upon her evolution and when she started punching Sai. Sai did nothing wrong but I read those lines with pleasure and joy - the joy of Kuoira evolving and finally being able to show her trainer how strong she really was.

    If anything, this chapter solidified my preference for Kuoira, she's just one amazing character.

    And you, my dear friend, I can only say 'bravo' for making me this invested in her character! I'm sure we can expect many other amazing things from her! She grew and developed thus my love for Kuoira grew as well! Keep up with your excellent writing!
    I'm glad you enjoyed it, even if she wasn't as comedic this time around. I like to think I just showed the darker side of her character, which everyone has. Thanks for commenting!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    It almost seems like Kuiora is more of a trainer than an actual Pokemon.
    Lol, that's an interesting thought. Guess it's just part of her immature personality to think she's what she's not.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    This is starting to get a little excessive. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to lose interest slightly, just because the tone of this chapter feels so different than before.
    I'm sorry to hear that, and I apologize for the poor writing. My excuse is that I wrote half at the beginning of May, and then the rest just today. I really just wanted to get this chapter out after the long wait, but hopefully that won't be the case again. I really hit a long depression that just didn't really help this chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    This part is presented in a bit of a confusing manner. Was it Atis or the Kakuna who was glowing and what attack did Atis use? I just find the way this whole part is worded to be a bit confusing.
    Kakuna was glowing, and Atis used Protect. When I go back to edit I'll try to make it less confusing, thanks for pointing it out!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    There are some good ideas here, but all of this happens way too fast, and something about it just feels wrong. I can't put my finger on just what it is, but this entire thing doesn't sit right with me.

    I don't know how I feel about this chapter. There certainly isn't anything bad about it. Focusing a chapter almost entirely on a Pokemon with Sai as only an accessory to the events of the chapter was a good idea, and the ideas presented in Kuiora's thoughts were fitting and necessary to tackle. However, it feels as if you might have tried to do too much with one single chapter, because at times the plot feels erratic and rushed, particularly in how fast Kuiora's thoughts evolve. Some of the scenes are also a little disturbing, which would have made them work better with a bit more attention paid to them. Chief in my mind is the very end, where Kuiora attacks Sai for little reason, prompting some response from the crowd in the Pokemon Center, but then Sai punches his Pokemon and there is no apparent reaction yet.

    I hope you won't take this the wrong way. It just wasn't my favorite chapter, and I think it could be done better in points.
    It happens, you can't like every chapter, right? I have a habit of having things happen too fast or putting too much in one chapter (probably because of the limited point of view) but I'll try to work on it. And like I said to Janovy, I like to think that I showed the darker side of Kuiora here... a dark side which everyone has, but Kuiora would be more prone to show due to being immature and unable to see what is right or wrong just yet. I hope that makes sense. I have plans for her in the next few chapters which I believe is more like the Kuiora we've seen before.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  13. #88
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Kalos
    Posts
    4,740

    Default

    Chapter 8

    Nice chapter, I enjoyed it because it was nice to see Kuiora get some focus. The female Totodile's personality is pretty cute, endearing, and funny, I guess "sassy" would be the right word to describe her? Though, I'm not sure. I like how you show how Kuiora trains hard and wants to be noticed but, fighting for Sai's attention is hard for her. Also nice job bringing up the "Legendaries" again, since they are like God to Kuiora and it's nice to see that sort of realism in her character. I like how you had her cry for a while, bleed, and refuse to show pain. I really enjoyed the dialogue between the Beedrill and Kuiora and Atis, with it thanking them for choosing it. I like how you show she's just flustered and wants nothing more then her trainer's attention. Because I find that tons relatable, since I encounter that problem regularly as I am on a team, being neglected in favor of the more known or popular players(Atis and Senori), I assure you, hurts like hell. You feel frustrated, irredeemable, not cared for, and in order to compensate for your insecurities, imperfection, rookie behavior, and lack of experience you train harder and harder and harder alone(Kuiora's training) but, still you end up getting ignored(Senori VS Bugsy's Gym). I really liked that theme you threw in there, desires, true desires to be stronger and more experienced, to truly get what you want and what you strive for. Nice description, interactions, characterization, and grammar all around. I also enjoyed Atis this chapter, the Hitmontop's meek sheepish nature is always relatable and entertaining. Cheers to you for making them both such great "human"-like characters. I like how you had him stand up for himself once, so many interesting ways this story can go and I look forward to it. Overall a fantastic chapter, Kuiora wanting Sai's attention actually makes you a bit emotional in a way, so "belong" is a fitting title. I didn't care a lot for the evolution, since I had wanted to see Kuiora battle as she is for a while, but oh well no need to worry. Nice job.

    1.Senori's failure at Bugsy's Gym
    2.Kuiora evolution and gaining Sai's attention
    3.Atis's POV with hitting Kuiora as well as his other plot

    I can't wait for the next chapter : )
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 12th June 2012 at 11:03 AM.

  14. #89
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
    The only conclusion I could come to was that there were exceptions. Senori hadn’t done anything at all to get the special attention he got at the gym. He was chosen by Sai without a second thought, and the boy stood up for him despite how he needed that badge so badly and as quickly as possible. Yes, the sentret’s battle was rather humiliating, but being chosen by our trainer was still an accomplishment. Why was Senori an exception? Why was he Sai’s first pokémon? What about Atis, who wasn’t rewarded for the hard work he did at Violet City? How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?

    …What about me?
    I sneaked enough of a glimpse at the other comments you received to know this chapter isn't a "humorous Kuiora" chapter. That seems sad.
    Anyway, I was thrown off by the last two lines of the big paragraph, though. How does Kuiora think Atis "wasn't rewarded", but also recognize he is the closest to Sai?

    I thought that, perhaps, I would have to train in odd areas, like his room in the pokémon center. Destroying his room would force him to look at me, because who wants to pay money for a damaged room when it could be avoided? That was hard when we had separate rooms. Or I would have to force myself to evolve soon so that I could be bigger and even more intimidating than my unpredictable trainer. But I wasn’t close to evolving; my body wasn’t feeling any changes, nor did I feel ready emotionally. My more desperate plans consisted of asking Senori or Atis for help. They could ask him to pay attention to me, and Sai would listen without a doubt. But that would be a last resort, I decided.
    That's already unlike bthe Kuiora of old. Not because of the penchant for purposeless destruction, but the fact that she would ask such a thing of Atis or Senori. She hasn't seemed particularly fond of them yet, so I never got the sense from her that she'd ask them for a favor. Reeking of desperation, though. It certainly hits that point.

    “I’m going to the gym. I’m going to get that badge by myself, then.”
    That's the Kuiora I know and love.

    There was nothing to be done—I had set my eyes on my, and nothing could stop me.
    I think you missed a word there. "Goal", maybe?

    Nothing except Bugsy, that is.
    I...actually don't love this line. I think it fits Kuiora better to leave it out. I don't think she views losing as a possibility. She HAS to win. She is determined.

    “My trainer is an idiot.”
    Wow, she really has changed already, I guess. Surprisingly harsh.

    “You’d ask that about any pokémon, so I don’t feel too inclined to answer.”
    Well...that's true, I suppose. Good observation.

    “We’re pokémon, too, you know. You don’t have to say your name as if you were talking to a human… Not that you should have to say your own name when talking at all…” Atis said. He started to back up, probably thinking this was a bad idea. I was at least inclined to agree with him there.
    I had a nice analogy in my head here to pokemon as black people in the 1800s. I could almost read it as Atis saying "You don't have to use your slave name!". That's....actually a really good metaphor I might like to see expanded upon.

    Atis, the smart and strong one, said, “I know about pokémon, not speech.”
    I'm guess that is sarcasm in the narration, since it's awfully unlikely Kuiora would refer to Atis as "smart" or "strong", and especially not in this instance.

    “That was a bad idea,” Atis pointed out dumbly.

    “You’re a bad idea,” I said, rather childishly,
    I LOL'ed. I actually do that to people all the time. So what does that say about me?

    I didn’t hear any wailing this time, but I could tell he was hurt, since his body was splayed out on the ground once more, unmoving.
    Jesus. Is it playing opposum to get Kuiora to calm down, or is she just being extraordinarily vicious?

    Meanwhile, Atis was still muttering, “I’m sorry,” so I told him to shut up and not ruin the moment. He listened, but Bugsy decided to ruin the moment instead. If he made it better, I sure didn’t feel any better yet. No battle, I was hurt anyway, and Atis had made the Kakuna evolve, not me.
    Well someone is certainly a Debbie Downer all of the sudden.

    Atis took the badge in his hand after Bugsy took it out of his pocket.
    Not a big note, but that last part is relatively useless as far as info goes. I would just leave it with "Atis took the badge from Bugsy". Or something like that.

    “I was shy… so I kept saying my name to avoid fighting or making conversation… but I assure you, the entire time, I wanted to say thank you for choosing me.”
    What a surprisingly sweet, endearing moment. I REALLY like this.

    I took the badge from Atis’s hand and presented it to him. “I won this for you. Fight me if you want it,” I said—slowly, seriously. He had to understand…
    Wow...I would not have seen this coming.


    -I guess when I re-read this, it makes sense that Kuiora was so close to evolving; she clearly had changed so much by this chapter (though I don't think it was a positive change, but that actually makes even more sense if you look at pokemon evolution a certain way: the primary form is childhood, the secondary form is adolescence, and the final form is adulthood. In that sense--and I have no idea if you were going for this at all, but it's what I gleaned from it--Kuiora was growing more bitter, resentful, and self-righteous. In short, she was becoming a teenager). It seems obvious reading it a second time, but it was startling initially.


    Sid87's Gen 6 Igloo Shop!

    FC: 3823-9867-2750

  15. #90
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    Chapter 8

    Nice chapter, I enjoyed it because it was nice to see Kuiora get some focus. The female Totodile's personality is pretty cute, endearing, and funny, I guess "sassy" would be the right word to describe her? Though, I'm not sure. I like how you show how Kuiora trains hard and wants to be noticed but, fighting for Sai's attention is hard for her. Also nice job bringing up the "Legendaries" again, since they are like God to Kuiora and it's nice to see that sort of realism in her character. I like how you had her cry for a while, bleed, and refuse to show pain. I really enjoyed the dialogue between the Beedrill and Kuiora and Atis, with it thanking them for choosing it. I like how you show she's just flustered and wants nothing more then her trainer's attention. Because I find that tons relatable, since I encounter that problem regularly as I am on a team, being neglected in favor of the more known or popular players(Atis and Senori), I assure you, hurts like hell. You feel frustrated, irredeemable, not cared for, and in order to compensate for your insecurities, imperfection, rookie behavior, and lack of experience you train harder and harder and harder alone(Kuiora's training) but, still you end up getting ignored(Senori VS Bugsy's Gym). I really liked that theme you threw in there, desires, true desires to be stronger and more experienced, to truly get what you want and what you strive for. Nice description, interactions, characterization, and grammar all around. I also enjoyed Atis this chapter, the Hitmontop's meek sheepish nature is always relatable and entertaining. Cheers to you for making them both such great "human"-like characters. I like how you had him stand up for himself once, so many interesting ways this story can go and I look forward to it. Overall a fantastic chapter, Kuiora wanting Sai's attention actually makes you a bit emotional in a way, so "belong" is a fitting title. I didn't care a lot for the evolution, since I had wanted to see Kuiora battle as she is for a while, but oh well no need to worry. Nice job.

    1.Senori's failure at Bugsy's Gym
    2.Kuiora evolution and gaining Sai's attention
    3.Atis's POV with hitting Kuiora as well as his other plot

    I can't wait for the next chapter : )
    I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for commenting! You have Kuiora's character down very well, and that you still like her character. I assure you that we'll be able to see Kuiora battle soon. :P The poor thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I sneaked enough of a glimpse at the other comments you received to know this chapter isn't a "humorous Kuiora" chapter. That seems sad.
    Like I said to another reviewer, I have plans for her that'll make her seem more like the old Kuiora everyone knows. Your adolescence analogy seems like it could ring true, though I see this more as a temporary act of pent up anger and desperation that went too far on her end due to being young and not knowing what is

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Anyway, I was thrown off by the last two lines of the big paragraph, though. How does Kuiora think Atis "wasn't rewarded", but also recognize he is the closest to Sai?
    It wasn't meant to be specific but Atis wasn't called "strong" and Kuiora's seen Atis with Sai the most lately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    That's already unlike bthe Kuiora of old. Not because of the penchant for purposeless destruction, but the fact that she would ask such a thing of Atis or Senori. She hasn't seemed particularly fond of them yet, so I never got the sense from her that she'd ask them for a favor. Reeking of desperation, though. It certainly hits that point.
    It is desperation, and also the desire to have someone witness her victory.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I...actually don't love this line. I think it fits Kuiora better to leave it out. I don't think she views losing as a possibility. She HAS to win. She is determined.
    Very true. Will change it and the other mistake you pointed out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm guess that is sarcasm in the narration, since it's awfully unlikely Kuiora would refer to Atis as "smart" or "strong", and especially not in this instance.
    It is sarcasm. Perhaps italics would emphasize this better?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I LOL'ed. I actually do that to people all the time. So what does that say about me?
    It says you are childish at times! Who isn't? Best way to be sometimes.

    Thanks for commenting!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  16. #91
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Somewhere in Hoenn
    Posts
    669

    Default

    ...And I'm back for another round of reviews. I just read the latest chapter, and I'm actually quite anxious to review it, but as promised, I'll go over chapters 6 and 7 first.

    One thing before I begin:

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Thanks for reviewing again! The nitpick you pointed out was intentional on my part, so I don't know if I'd change it, but it's in my head.
    No problem! And I had a feeling that the repetition there was intentional, but I wanted to be sure.

    Chapter 6: Wow. This was a wild one. You totally turned everything I thought I knew about Sai on its head. But before I get to that, I'd like to talk about Atis.

    The first few paragraphs really helped me identify with Atis' character. He's so passive, letting everything just come and go, especially with the "losing track of days" part - I feel the same way a lot of times. I think it's interesting how he's so intent on changing Sai, as if he’s finally found his mission in life. Yet the way he acts around the considerably less uptight Kuiora and Senori reveals his insecurities. I also feel that his responses to Sai's strange behavior throughout the chapter were very realistic and completely in-character. Atis always seems to be in a constant state of ambiguity - he knows he wants to be someone important, but he doesn’t quite have the confidence to become that way.

    Now back to Sai. What in the world is going on with him? Before, he seemed so antisocial, and now he's going into random peoples' houses? It was an amusing nod to the games, to be sure, but even for Sai, that's just weird. Then he goes on a shopping spree to rival that of a teenage girl before the first day of school. Seriously, I'm a girl and I don't even shop like that. He sure does have a lot of money for someone his age...I wonder why? And finally, he puts shirts on his Pokemon and goes to dinner with some girl he barely knows. Sai’s suddenly become so erratic that it's almost as if he’s being controlled/possessed by somebody else. Is he bipolar, perhaps? Or maybe he has multiple personality disorder? I just can’t figure him out.

    The conversation went on like this, with her trying to probe for answers, and with him not being specific at all. He had things. Yes, generic things that anyone could have. He really lived in a city… in some region. He had people who lived with him. Who? Just people. You know. No, I don’t know. Had he always been around pokémon? Maybe. He didn’t like to remember. …I hope you don’t mind my pokémon looking around. They’re curious. And they’re wearing shirts.
    For some reason, I love the way this paragraph is written. It’s a vague but tantalizing glimpse at Sai’s past, and it really contributes to the confusion of the situation, I think. (That poor girl...)

    And I can’t forget the part where Sai snaps.

    “Well, I thought that we could… Well, you seemed happier in Azalea Town today.” I stepped a little further inside the room as I noticed that I was still by the doorway. I had to appear friendly, not scared.

    “I guess… Visiting the girl was fun, but she also pointed out my enthusiasm,” Sai said, bending down to take off his shoes. Halfway through untying them, he stood up.

    “That’s a bad thing?” I asked, watching him. He started rearranging things in the room—he opened the windows, put the plants in different corners, ruffled and then fixed the bed sheets. It took a long time for him to answer.

    “Most of the time...” he finally said, slowly. Once again, he seemed passive, and I wasn’t sure why.

    “I think it’s a good thing,” I pointed out, trying to cheer him up.

    But it backfired.

    “And what do you know?” he snapped, turning sharply to look at me. His eyes were still glazed over, I noticed. It was hard not to notice. I stumbled backward a bit despite myself, as if he had physically hit me.

    “Being happy is a g-good thing, Sai… Y-You seemed happy here, you know? Talking to everyone and everything,” I said. I didn’t believe my own words. “M-Maybe we could stay here for a while. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but it could be longer than a few days…”

    He simply kept walking around, slower this time, still cleaning things, still attempting to fix things that weren’t broken in the first place. I just stared and wondered if I had said too much and stayed too long.

    Eventually, he mumbled, “Get out.”
    Hmm, I wonder why he seems so afraid of his “enthusiasm”? To the point where he starts throwing things in a mad rage to get Atis to leave him alone? Something is very, very wrong with this child.

    “Look, I’m sorry that happened. I-I mean… That’s not right. You have to understand. I get these moods sometimes. Everything speeds up for me, I think so much, and I want to do a million things at once and I want to talk to a million people so I forget things, things don’t get done, and there’s never enough time in the world though it goes by so slowly, and yeah, I seem happy, this is the first time I’ve ever been able to do things I wanted when like this, and it was fun but it turned wrong, I can always turn angry so fast and… and… I’m not usually violent, but that was a touchy subject. I don’t know… Being happy is depressing for me, it’s stressful, everything’s too fast. I can’t think straight right now. I can’t… Do you understand what I’m saying?”

    I just stared. He was trying his best to relay his complicated feelings to me, but no, I didn’t understand. Since when was being happy a bad thing? Did all humans have emotions like this? I thought dumbly. I certainly didn’t think so, but what other explanation was there?
    I agree, Atis, what other explanation is there? It is interesting that Sai is so concerned with time, as well. I’ve become convinced somebody is controlling him, but who, and why?

    I thought I had another nitpick to bring up, but can't seem to find it now. Lucky you. ; )

    Overall: very surprising. And confusing. I wonder if Sai will ever get one of these "moods" again (something tells me the answer is yes).

    Chapter 7:

    Like everyone else, I wondered what was wrong with Sai. I asked myself that question all the time, but nothing good came of it. He was my clan now, and I had to figure him out. I tried, yet something else crazy always happened the moment I thought I had him figured out.
    Senori’s saying what we’re all thinking here. : ) Still, he seems to have accepted Sai more fully now, since he considers themselves part of the same “clan”. I’m glad to see him starting to get over his past demons, if only a little bit. Nice bit of characterization there.

    Actually, I think this whole chapter was great at developing Senori’s character - he seems to have become more of a leader now, taking charge when Kuiora and Atis don’t.

    “I guess we’re going into another cave…” I said, taking a few steps back. I could only hope that this one wasn’t as dangerous as the other. “Maybe you two should stay here. I’ll get him real quick and bring him out.”

    “You obviously need us,” Kuiora said. “Who’s going to fight the wild pokémon for you?”

    “It doesn’t matter,” I stated, but I didn’t say why. If I was being honest, it would be better this time, since no one would be able to save me. Or maybe my newfound energy would provide me with enough power to win. “If it’s dangerous like the other cave, then you should stay.”

    “That gives us more incentive to go in!” Kuiora said, making her way to the stairs as well.

    Atis chimed in before I could speak. “Maybe Kuiora’s right… She should go with you.”

    “And why shouldn’t you?” I snapped.

    “W-Well,” Atis stammered, “I do have the most experience out of all of us…”

    Kuiora turned around and stomped her feet. “So? I already told you that I’m going to be stronger than you. Didn’t you hear me?”

    “I’m sure he heard you,” I cut in. “Look—”

    “Professor Elm told me stories about this kind of thing. Someone always tries to be the hero and that someone gets hurt,” Kuiora said. Despite the morbid topic, she was smiling, and she was looking at Atis, not me. “I’m not going to try to be the hero. I really am going to be the hero, and to do that, I have to get stronger.”

    “Those are just stories, Kuiora…” Atis said, rubbing the back of his head and refusing to look at her.

    “He tells them like they’re stories, but they’re real. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll tell them to you someday,” she said.

    “You guys can follow, then. But don’t complain if you get hurt or something,” I cut in, turning my attention to the cave. I knew I could possibly regret it later, but I was too angry to care at the moment. I had the energy to stop their fight, but it was negative energy, and I was going to take it out on Sai, just like he was taking it all out on us.
    Once again, you’ve juxtaposed the Pokemons’ personalities in a way that showcases how different they are from each other. As always, Kuiora is focused solely on strength and power, and poor Atis gets the brunt of her attitude. And Senori is the reluctant peacemaker - he almost seems like he has to be the trainer when Sai isn’t there.

    I also thought it was hilarious when the Pokemon found out about Sai’s Magikarp-catching spree. Again, Sai’s gone from angry to mopey to giddy in the blink of an eye. And when he mentioned that he needed to do something...it reminded me of someone with ADHD-like symptoms. I hope we get some more information on him soon - he’s driving me nuts! (Also, I can’t help but think what’s going to happen if/when Sai tries to eat a Magikarp. If you’ve seen that anime episode with James‘ Magikarp, you know it’s not going to end well. And how can Sai have all those Pokeballs with him when he should only be able to carry six at a time?)

    I loved the way you handled the Gym battle. The way Bugsy recreated a forest environment inside was a nice touch, as well as Senori’s referring to him as the clan leader. Also, I love this part right here.

    “Why does Senori get to battle?” Kuiora said, jumping up and down and looking frantically at Sai.

    “Does it matter?” Sai asked, peering down curiously.

    “Yes! I’ve been training for this!”

    “He hasn’t seen you train,” I pointed out. “I was with you the entire time and even I didn’t see you train.”

    “You were in a pokéball!”

    “My point still stands. No one’s seen you do much,” I said, smirking, and I turned toward my opponent.
    Way to put that child in her place, Senori. He must feel great to have the upper hand this time.

    On to the actual battle. I thought you did a nice job of showing off each Pokemon’s strengths and weaknesses, especially when it came to Senori’s tail. It’s his greatest attribute (thank you for using Tail Whip in a non-defensive manner), but it’s also his greatest weakness if it somehow becomes impaired, like with String Shot.

    When Scyther came out, I knew things weren’t going to end well for poor Senori. I felt his pain when he was hit by Fury Cutter, and it’s interesting that he saw it as his punishment for not protecting his clan. I guess he still has a long way to go to move beyond that mistake.

    And Bugsy surprised me. I’d never thought of him as the kind of person who would go easy on a challenger - he always seemed quite eager to me (though I don’t remember how he was in the anime). Then Sai surprised me even more by refusing Bugsy’s badge. He really does seem to care about his Pokemon - not only about their strength, but their self-esteem as well.

    Overall: quite an interesting chapter, and I’m looking forward to more Gym battles.

    Chapter 8: This...was not what I was expecting at all. Kuiora took a very different turn towards the end.

    I could live with those exceptions. But I could not live with the exception for the most important thing I had learned: I had spent so much time trying to separate myself from everyone else that no one could realize my superiority.
    Classic Kuiora. She really thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, doesn’t she? I feel like she’s going through the childhood “seen but not heard” mentality, so she’s trying to compensate for it however she can.

    “I’m going to the gym. I’m going to get that badge by myself, then.”

    “W-What?” Atis said, turning to me swiftly and nearly falling over. “Why don’t you just wait for Sai?”

    “If I can get Bugsy’s badge all by myself, then I’ll be first choice next time. I’ll be doing him a favor, anyway. He’s busy and in a hurry to get things done, which is a terrible combination.”

    Atis looked down, shifted uncomfortably. “I guess… I still don’t think you should go by yourself.”

    “Fine,” I said, thinking that I would need to learn from my mistakes and make sure there was a witness to my power, anyway. “I’m taking you with me.”
    Wow, I’m a bit surprised to see Kuiora taking such initiative here. It really highlights how desperate she is to prove herself.

    “Where is your trainer?” Bugsy called out, standing up. His hands were curled around the handle of a watering can, and on the ground near him lay a bowl of what appeared to be berries. It would have been a decent sight had he been taking care of an actual part of nature rather than this fake place he had created.

    “He’s at the pokémon center, healing the sentret,” I said, standing up as tall as I could.

    “I see… Is he coming back for a gym battle later, then?”

    “No,” I said sharply, offended. “I came to get the badge right here and now. I don’t need to wait for him.”

    “Ah, yes. I remember you wanting to battle. Very eager, aren’t you? But you’re just like your trainer,” Bugsy said, kneeling back down and starting to water plants once more.

    “My trainer?”

    Bugsy chuckled lightly. “Well, you should know that strong pokémon are not always the only kind of pokémon as well. If you want my badge, then you have to evolve one of my pokémon here. It doesn’t matter which, or how you do it—just be civil, of course.”

    “Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes. I considered just leaving. I had come here to battle, and now I wouldn’t even get the chance. This was a job for the shy little Atis who didn’t want anyone near him. I looked at him curiously.

    “We’ll do it,” Atis said, with no hesitation.

    I glared at Bugsy.
    Lots of interesting things going on here. First, I didn’t realize how Kuiora was so inclined towards nature when she mentioned the “fake” Gym. I wonder if she’s actually that reverent towards the land or if she’s just mentally spiting Bugsy. Second, Bugsy didn’t seem very surprised that a Totodile showed up at a Gym without her trainer and wants to battle on her own. Seems just a bit unrealistic to me. However, I did like the fact that Bugsy is trying to get Kuiora to not think only in terms of strength by asking her to evolve one of his Pokemon. Intriguing challenge.

    Now I did notice something during the next scene. Up until now, you’ve not been capitalizing the names of Pokemon, but you didn’t do this with Kakuna - I think it was capitalized in every instance (Beedrill was capitalized as well). Why the sudden shift?

    Anyway, on to the scene itself. Man, Kuiora is really starting to resent Atis, isn’t she? Their mindsets are so different.

    I walked up to the pokémon and very briefly explained our mission. The Kakuna kept mumbling its name, completely apathetic.

    “We’re pokémon, too, you know. You don’t have to say your name as if you were talking to a human… Not that you should have to say your own name when talking at all…” Atis said. He started to back up, probably thinking this was a bad idea. I was at least inclined to agree with him there.

    “Uh, maybe we should find a different pokémon,” Atis suggested.

    “No,” I said quickly. “If this thing is dumb enough to talk like that, then it has an awful lot to learn. Learning means growing and growing leads to evolution, right?”

    “I guess…”

    “Okay. Go ahead and teach it to talk. You’re a school thing.”

    “Um…” Atis said, treading lightly as he moved toward the still Kakuna and its robotic voice. “Well, like I said, humans will hear your name, but you can say whatever you want, okay? Please talk to us.”

    “Kakuna, Kakuna,” it said. Did it even have a mouth?

    Atis looked back and forth between me and the Kakuna, as if the little yellow creature was tricking him and going to attack at any moment. “I think evolution refers to fighting experience mostly…” he said.

    “That’s the only effort you’re going to give?!” I cried, covering my face.

    Atis, the smart and strong one, said, “I know about pokémon, not speech.”

    “Kakuna is a pokémon!”
    Poor Atis. He just can’t do anything right in Kuiora’s eyes. She seems to think that anything not as strong as her (which, in her mind, is everyone) isn’t worth her time.

    I was somewhat glad to see Kuiora get her due when she tried attacking Kakuna, and then getting attacked by Atis. Kakuna did seem to evolve very quickly, though, without much effort from Kuiora (Atis was more of the catalyst for the evolution). I hope she doesn’t let this go to her head.

    “You managed to evolve Kakuna into a Beedrill after all… and it looks like you got some battle experience yourself,” Bugsy said, smirking. Did he enjoy me bleeding on his forest floor? I wondered if he had been watching the entire time, the little brat. “As promised, you may have the Hive Badge.”
    That’s a little jarring for me, to see a Pokemon call a Gym Leader a brat. What’s happened to Kuiora? She seems more angry than eager now.

    Then there was the scene with Sai. Kuiora’s out of control now - her frustration is making her blind. I’m surprised Sai just sat there and took the attack, and I’m also wondering why other people didn’t try to stop Kuiora.

    And I have to say, I’m a little disappointed that Kuiora evolved when she did. It just seems a bit too soon, especially since Sai really hasn’t seen her battle yet. Then she just continued to whale on him, which for her just seems cruel. She really can’t think outside of violence - Sai’s words don’t have any effect on her, only his punch.

    Overall: I thought this chapter was intriguing, but it was quite shocking to see Kuiora acting this way. We’ll have to see where she goes with her development.

    Wow, this was a long review. Hope you don’t mind. And hooray, I’m finally caught up on chapters! I’ll be interested to see what happens next.

    Thanks again for a great read!

    ~Crimson Penguin

    Friend Safari - Bug with Butterfree/Volbeat/Vivillon - PM me for my FC!
        Spoiler:- Shiny hunting stuff:


  17. #92
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    411

    Default

    That was another great chapter, I don't have time to go as in depth as other people sadly, but I really liked how this chapter played out and learn more of the totodiles personality


    ^You ever have that moment you realize you forgot to give credit? Sorry Irra!!^

  18. #93
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    570

    Default

    How did the hitmontop seem so much closer to Sai than the rest of us?
    You may have explained this to me before, but when you mention different Pokemon, why are there names not capitalized? I was under the impression that they should be. Or is it just the author's choice?

    …What about me?
    I knew something like that was going to manifest eventually. Kuiora is quickly becoming very unstable to me, which is evident by what happens later in the chapter. At first I liked her upstart personality and the desire to prove herself, especially since she's so young. But with that same token comes the odd sense that something is bothering her inside to have the thoughts that she's having. I actually have to disagree with The Great Butler when he said that the plot felt erratic and Kuiora's actions had little reason. I actually thought that her actions were extremely well written and true to character. It went so well with what she was feeling and looking into how she is growing. She's flawed, tempremental, eager to please, and desperate to release the unease inside even though she shouldn't have it to begin with. Her jumpy thought pattern is really spot on because it runs so closely to what someone her age would feel. lmao I hope that made sense.

    “N-No,” he stammered, “not really. The scyther looked scary.”
    Lol, I love Atis to death. Such a realistic thing to say coming from him. You have such a talent with characterization.

    Physically, the city hadn’t changed much. It was still light, and it was full of buildings and trees and people walking around, all of which, unlike me, were going nowhere.
    As much as Sai creeps me out sometimes, Kuiora is sometimes worse. Sentiments like that that she feels really make me wonder if she doesn't have some problems bouncing around in that brain. She almost seems like she has the begginning of a god complex to me; which isn't a bad thing at all, just cause for concern for the others involved. Now that I'm thinking about it, not really a 'god' complex, but more of a yuppie or socialite complex. Everyone judges people instantly, whether they say they do or not, but Kuiora is more vocal inside her head about it than I thought she would be

    Bugsy chuckled lightly. “Well, you should know that strong pokémon are not always the only kind of pokémon as well. If you want my badge, then you have to evolve one of my pokémon here. It doesn’t matter which, or how you do it—just be civil, of course.”
    I'm somewhat confused. Is Bugsy really in tune with the Pokemon language? Because I thought so far it had only been Sai who was able to understand them with such clarity. Sorry if me asking that has already been explained lol

    “You’d ask that about any pokémon, so I don’t feel too inclined to answer.”
    I really liked that line. Completely Kuiora

    But it wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t budging. His fists were clenched, and he was frowning, growling.
    Hmm, that's kinda interesting. Growling? Such an animalistic trait. I can honestly say I've never growled at anyone before, even when in a fist fight. Revealing, I like it.

    I was no longer bleeding, though my side still showed signs of injury from Atis’s spikes. The nurse would have to take care of me eventually, and I wondered what she’d think of me.
    I didn't see her evolution coming at all. It fits really well with what she's going through and I'm really glad it happened. Your take on evolution was different than I thought it would be, but I liked that you included Kuiora's feelings about it while I was happening. I don't think I've read about evolution from the first person before, and to me you did a good job on it. You know from reading me that I have a different view of the process, but your version was nicely written and fit in with your style really well. Nicely done

    All in all, this chapter was as wonderful as the previous one's and worth the wait. You did a really good job of fleshing out Kuiora more and to be honest I was really surprised and excited with the way this chapter went.

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the banner above, and Sworn Metalhead for the banner below -


    All Hail the Six Kings...
    Chapter One added (12-07-2014)

  19. #94
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    I just read the latest chapter, and I'm actually quite anxious to review it, but as promised, I'll go over chapters 6 and 7 first.
    I hope that was a good kind of "anxious", haa.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Sai’s suddenly become so erratic that it's almost as if he’s being controlled/possessed by somebody else. Is he bipolar, perhaps? Or maybe he has multiple personality disorder? I just can’t figure him out.
    Never heard the possession theory before. I'd like to say if you're on the right track, but I am secretive. ;o


    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Overall: very surprising. And confusing. I wonder if Sai will ever get one of these "moods" again (something tells me the answer is yes).
    Something tells me yes, too. ;o

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    And Senori is the reluctant peacemaker - he almost seems like he has to be the trainer when Sai isn’t there.
    You're not the first one to bring up the pokemon being the trainers instead. I kind of like the idea, since Sai surely isn't fit to be one himself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Again, Sai’s gone from angry to mopey to giddy in the blink of an eye. And when he mentioned that he needed to do something...it reminded me of someone with ADHD-like symptoms.
    You seem to know a lot about psychological problems/disorders. I like you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    (Also, I can’t help but think what’s going to happen if/when Sai tries to eat a Magikarp. If you’ve seen that anime episode with James‘ Magikarp, you know it’s not going to end well. And how can Sai have all those Pokeballs with him when he should only be able to carry six at a time?)
    Haven't seen it, though I may have to. Also, I don't really care for the system of "a pokemon immediately disappears when detected as a 7th/8th/9th pokemon or whatever. How would that even work? It's never made sense to me. I say that it's only legal to use 6 pokemon for battle purposes, but the amount to carry around is unlimited. I've seen other fics make it works so hopefully I can too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    And Bugsy surprised me. I’d never thought of him as the kind of person who would go easy on a challenger - he always seemed quite eager to me (though I don’t remember how he was in the anime). Then Sai surprised me even more by refusing Bugsy’s badge. He really does seem to care about his Pokemon - not only about their strength, but their self-esteem as well.
    I never thought gym leaders got enough character development. To me Bugsy seemed like the type of guy who likes to be right or always in first place--if teaching a lesson gets him there, then so be it. Hope that makes sense.


    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Second, Bugsy didn’t seem very surprised that a Totodile showed up at a Gym without her trainer and wants to battle on her own. Seems just a bit unrealistic to me.
    Somehow that never occurred to me. I guess I'd explain it by saying that Bugsy expected someone so hard-headed to do something like that, human or not. Also he could have easily assumed that Sai was at the pokemon center and busy, and possibly in a hurry (like I imagine all new trainers would be).


    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Now I did notice something during the next scene. Up until now, you’ve not been capitalizing the names of Pokemon, but you didn’t do this with Kakuna - I think it was capitalized in every instance (Beedrill was capitalized as well). Why the sudden shift?
    I stopped writing the fic for a month and apparently decided to shift ways when I started writing again. I fixed it now and will try to remember for the future, thanks!


    That’s a little jarring for me, to see a Pokemon call a Gym Leader a brat. What’s happened to Kuiora? She seems more angry than eager now.[/quote]

    She is acting more on anger than eagerness now due to being screwed over so many times for lack of a better term, though eagerness is her main emotion/motivation/whatever you'd call it.

    And I have to say, I’m a little disappointed that Kuiora evolved when she did. It just seems a bit too soon, especially since Sai really hasn’t seen her battle yet. Then she just continued to whale on him, which for her just seems cruel. She really can’t think outside of violence - Sai’s words don’t have any effect on her, only his punch.
    To be fair, she could have been worse. I put in there she could have done much more (hit, kick, bite, use water gun) but she only hit to get his attention. I am sorry you were disappointed with the evolution however. With all her training and the fact that starter pokemon evolve relatively early, I would have thought this was a perfect time. Thanks for commenting/reviewing! I do like your in-depth reviews.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonicwari View Post
    That was another great chapter, I don't have time to go as in depth as other people sadly, but I really liked how this chapter played out and learn more of the totodiles personality
    Not a problem, just glad to know you're reading. Glad you liked it!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    You may have explained this to me before, but when you mention different Pokemon, why are there names not capitalized? I was under the impression that they should be. Or is it just the author's choice?
    Author's choice. It seems the same as "my mom" or "Mom" to me--unless it's directly stated as a name, pokemon species names should not be capitalized. And you wouldn't capitalize Bug or Spider or anything in real life, either.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I actually have to disagree with The Great Butler when he said that the plot felt erratic and Kuiora's actions had little reason. I actually thought that her actions were extremely well written and true to character. It went so well with what she was feeling and looking into how she is growing. She's flawed, tempremental, eager to please, and desperate to release the unease inside even though she shouldn't have it to begin with. Her jumpy thought pattern is really spot on because it runs so closely to what someone her age would feel. lmao I hope that made sense.
    Made perfect sense, and you got exactly what I was trying to portray. I was extremely worried that you wouldn't like this chapter after I saw a couple other reviews LOL so I'm glad I was wrong.

    Also, the "what about me" was a total LOST reference. I love Ben so much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    As much as Sai creeps me out sometimes, Kuiora is sometimes worse.
    "Woah" if all I've got to say to that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I'm somewhat confused. Is Bugsy really in tune with the Pokemon language? Because I thought so far it had only been Sai who was able to understand them with such clarity. Sorry if me asking that has already been explained lol
    I'd believe that anyone who spends a lot of time with pokemon can understand them. This includes gym leaders and Sai (but why? who knows). There's no one else thus far due to only seeing newer trainers (or very few trainers).

    Thanks for reading/reviewing as always!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  20. #95
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Somewhere in Hoenn
    Posts
    669

    Default

    I'm back, so time to reply!

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    I hope that was a good kind of "anxious", haa.
    Yes, it was a good kind of anxious. I did enjoy the chapter, even if some of my comments seemed a bit critical.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Never heard the possession theory before. I'd like to say if you're on the right track, but I am secretive. ;o
    ...Dang, I was hoping for even a sliver of more information about Sai. But the fact that you're keeping his "secret" under wraps makes me anticipate the reveal even more. : )

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    You seem to know a lot about psychological problems/disorders. I like you.
    Ummm...actually, I'm not all that knowledgeable about that kind of stuff. But...thank you? (What does that say about me, I wonder? Hmm...)

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Haven't seen it, though I may have to. Also, I don't really care for the system of "a pokemon immediately disappears when detected as a 7th/8th/9th pokemon or whatever. How would that even work? It's never made sense to me. I say that it's only legal to use 6 pokemon for battle purposes, but the amount to carry around is unlimited. I've seen other fics make it works so hopefully I can too.
    Yeah, I can see how that wouldn't really work in a "real-life" setting. It seemed odd to me at first, considering how long I've been playing the games, but I think your plan will work out just fine. (And yes, I think you might enjoy the Magikarp episode.)

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    I never thought gym leaders got enough character development. To me Bugsy seemed like the type of guy who likes to be right or always in first place--if teaching a lesson gets him there, then so be it. Hope that makes sense.
    Never thought of it that way, but it does make sense. I guess everyone's got their own interpretation of the Gym Leaders' personalities.

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Somehow that never occurred to me. I guess I'd explain it by saying that Bugsy expected someone so hard-headed to do something like that, human or not. Also he could have easily assumed that Sai was at the pokemon center and busy, and possibly in a hurry (like I imagine all new trainers would be).
    Alright, that seems like a plausible explanation. *makes mental note to self to stop expecting fics to be exactly like the games*

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    To be fair, she could have been worse. I put in there she could have done much more (hit, kick, bite, use water gun) but she only hit to get his attention. I am sorry you were disappointed with the evolution however. With all her training and the fact that starter pokemon evolve relatively early, I would have thought this was a perfect time.
    Come to think of it, most starter Pokemon do evolve by the second Gym, so I retract my point. I think I was just more surprised than anything, given that we haven't seen Kuiora train much at all so far (which she herself pointed out several times). And I guess Sai could use a good beating every now and then. : )

    Like I said, I really did enjoy reading this chapter, so I'm sorry I convinced you otherwise. Your chapters turn out so different from what I imagine that it just takes me a few times for everything to really fall into place. (Which is a good thing! Complexity is always good.)

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    Thanks for commenting/reviewing! I do like your in-depth reviews.
    You're welcome! And I really didn't think they were that in-depth, but I'm glad I can bring something to the table, so to speak. (I'm still so new to this whole thing...)

    I eagerly await the next chapter!

    ~Crimson Penguin

    Friend Safari - Bug with Butterfree/Volbeat/Vivillon - PM me for my FC!
        Spoiler:- Shiny hunting stuff:


  21. #96
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Yes, it was a good kind of anxious. I did enjoy the chapter, even if some of my comments seemed a bit critical.
    Oh I see. I was a bit worried there, though I do appreciate the critical comments.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Ummm...actually, I'm not all that knowledgeable about that kind of stuff. But...thank you? (What does that say about me, I wonder? Hmm...)
    You at least seem to know basics (symptoms of ADHD, for instance, which is a disorder almost everyone thinks they have when they obviously don't, since playing on Facebook constantly when you need to do homework does not equal ADHD) and the difference between commonly misunderstood disorders (bipolar and multiple personality disorder are often considered the same thing, for instance, but if you pointed them both out in different contexts, you seem to know the basic difference). Don't mind me, I'm big into psychology stuff so I like seeing people at least acknowledge disorders or not fall into the myths surrounding them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Alright, that seems like a plausible explanation. *makes mental note to self to stop expecting fics to be exactly like the games*
    It's funny because everyone wants fics that AREN'T like the games, so I try to do that. And then people are like... what?! :P Glad you seem to like the surprises though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson Penguin View Post
    Come to think of it, most starter Pokemon do evolve by the second Gym, so I retract my point. I think I was just more surprised than anything, given that we haven't seen Kuiora train much at all so far (which she herself pointed out several times). And I guess Sai could use a good beating every now and then. : )
    I may have not made this point clear, my fault. Kuiora trained an awful lot... by herself, so no one else saw her. Kuiora didn't say she never trained, it was Senori who said he never saw her train. Sorry for the confusion... unless there really is some part I wrote that proved otherwise... I forget. :P

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  22. #97
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    570

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
    And you wouldn't capitalize Bug or Spider or anything in real life, either.
    Excellent point lol. Thanks for clarifying that

    Made perfect sense, and you got exactly what I was trying to portray. I was extremely worried that you wouldn't like this chapter after I saw a couple other reviews LOL so I'm glad I was wrong.
    Oh yes I thought it was great. You fleshed out Kuiora more in this chapter than any of the characters in any of the other chapters, IMO.

    Also, the "what about me" was a total LOST reference. I love Ben so much.
    I can't believe I missed that lol

    "Woah" if all I've got to say to that.
    I thought you may say something along those lines lol. I say that because as weird as Sai is to me, I don't know enough about him to judge. He's still a mystery, and you did so much with Kuiora this time that I actually got kinda creeped out in a good way about how selfish she appeared to me. Loved it

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the banner above, and Sworn Metalhead for the banner below -


    All Hail the Six Kings...
    Chapter One added (12-07-2014)

  23. #98
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Oh yes I thought it was great. You fleshed out Kuiora more in this chapter than any of the characters in any of the other chapters, IMO.
    Glad you think so... I'm sure the other characters will have their spotlight too. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I can't believe I missed that lol
    It's okay, I missed yours too LOL.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I thought you may say something along those lines lol. I say that because as weird as Sai is to me, I don't know enough about him to judge. He's still a mystery, and you did so much with Kuiora this time that I actually got kinda creeped out in a good way about how selfish she appeared to me. Loved it
    Yeah, she's certainly creepy in some ways, haha. Oh, and for the evolution thing 'cause I forgot to reply last time, I thought about it and the body preparing itself to evolve makes the most sense to me. It would explain why pokemon can evolve at any point that it's ready, why it doesn't hurt, why it's so quick, etc. Your theory made me wonder what would happen to pokemon that didn't want to evolve, and I couldn't think of an explanation for it!

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  24. #99
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
    704

    Default


    SURVIVAL PROJECT

    chapter 9 ; [SENORI]
    suspended

    *

    When I was watching Kuiora punch Sai over and over again, when I was watching her evolve… I felt like my body was falling away from me, through the floor, and then back into myself, over and over again. When my body was falling, it was as if I was dreaming of what my life could be, but wasn’t. And when my body righted itself again, I was reminded that this was real, and that I simply didn’t know what to do about it. The sudden violence wasn’t entirely unexpected. She had been getting more and more desperate, and I had told her about Sai fighting me, thinking nothing of it at the time…I had told her that Sai fought me because it was what fate had brought upon me, upon us, not so that she could use the idea herself. Nevertheless, here she was, freezing me and everyone else in the pokémon center, leaving us to wonder only why she was doing this, why she evolved at this moment of shame, and most of all, why Sai felt compelled to punch her back.

    I snapped back to reality as I suddenly tumbled out of Sai’s arms. Though he was still on his knees, he went to pull his arm back and swing it forward, immediately colliding with Kuiora’s rounded jaw. Had she still been a totodile, she may have staggered backward. With her new and larger form, she hardly moved an inch. And just as suddenly, she stopped attacking him. She merely smirked and looked around occasionally, mostly focusing on looking down at the stricken Sai in front of her.

    “Kuiora,” he said simply, using his other hand to cover the fist that he had hurt her with, “I didn’t want to hit you.”

    “But you did,” she said, smiling now, a different smile from the expectant smirk that was present just moments ago.

    “I know, and I’m sorry,” Sai said, standing up now. He moved slowly, carefully, as if he would break or as if Kuiora would attack him again at any moment.

    “I’m strong, and I wanted you to know it. You’re not allowed to say sorry!” she replied. She crossed her arms, but made no sign of future violence.

    “But I always knew that,” Sai said, chuckling slightly. I vaguely wondered if he was telling the truth, but decided that I’d never speak about it.

    “Then why didn’t you use me?”

    “Everyone on the team has to fight. If I only focused on you, all the others would get left behind.”

    “Who cares about the others? I’m special, aren’t I?”

    “Of course you are… I chose you for a reason.”

    “You chose me because I was the strongest, of course!”

    “Yes, yes I did. But you have quite the temper, don’t you? But you seem easy to please, so let’s make sure this never happens again…” Sai said seriously, looking down on her now, scolding her like the child she was.

    Suddenly, a new voice cut in. “You can’t expect to get away with another situation like this, can you?”

    I looked around once more. Up until this point, some people were still watching, whispering amongst each other, probably wondering if they should do anything about the situation and wondering about why Sai was able to understand his pokémon while they couldn’t. Others had scattered and moved on, either changed or unmoved by the incident. Only one person decided to stand up to Sai, and I immediately recognized him from the cave and from the pictures in Sasha’s house. This boy had the same blonde hair and the same serious look on his face and the same determined eyes; it was just a different day with him wearing different clothes. The boy walked up to Sai, cutting off his view from Kuiora.

    “First the cave incident, and now your pokémon is attacking you. I wonder why. You obviously don’t give your pokémon the attention they need and deserve,” he said, looking Sai straight in the eye.

    “I didn’t know it would go that far,” Sai said, just as serious now and having to shift his attention from Kuiora once more. He did pass her a glance, however, as he added, “I didn’t know what she wanted. She’s never told or asked me directly until now.”

    “You should figure it out! You even have the advantage of being able to talk to your pokémon.”

    I stared at the boy. What was his name, anyway? Did he really have to be here at the same time as us? Was there anything I could do about it? He couldn’t understand me… but he had saved me nonetheless. I was torn between wanting to spare this other boy from the grief and from trying to keep Sai on track, his emotions being my main motivation for remaining stable and calm.

    Sai glared at the other boy and said, “Are you really going to be angry over me being able to talk to my pokémon while you can’t?”

    “That’s not what this is about,” the boy said, breaking eye contact for just a moment. “I bet you don’t know a damn thing about your pokémon, especially not the sentret you almost got killed.”

    Sai sighed, his face softening quickly. “I know that Atis likes the top bunk on the bed at night. I know that Kuiora likes to tell stories like no other. When we sleep outside I know that Senori likes the area with the most grass. Kuiora loves learning about things outside of herself even if she won’t admit it, and Senori always seems sad for some reason I can’t quite figure out yet. Just because it doesn’t look like I’m listening or watching doesn’t mean I’m oblivious.”

    When Sai said that, I completely forgot about my trying to decide which trainer to stick up for. Did Sai really pay that much attention to us, enough attention to know about the little things? Did I really even like the area with the most grass? I didn’t even notice, and it certainly never seemed like he paid attention to anything but whatever crazy ramblings went on inside his head. I decided to stay silent for Sai, and watch him deal with this situation by himself.

    There was a moment of silence. The boy looked around, glaring at the people who were still watching. “Doesn’t matter if you listen or watch if your pokémon don’t feel like you do,” he finally said, not looking at Sai anymore.

    But it does matter, I wanted to say. It says a lot about Sai. I turned to Kuiora to see what she was thinking during all of this. She was simply standing next to Sai, eyes crossed and looking just as defiant as her trainer. She didn’t look angry anymore, and it was smart of her, I decided, to not say anything, knowing that the trainer couldn’t understand her either way. She had probably exhausted her voice for the day, anyway. Crying, yelling, battling all day… Just what had happened, anyway? So many questions were running through my head about her and my trainer, but no answers.

    “If you’re not going to listen to anything I say, then we’re done here,” Sai stated, turning away from the boy. He walked up to the counter and said, “Nurse Joy, I deeply apologize for the incident here today. It won’t happen again. I would appreciate it if you healed my Kuiora now…”

    “O-Of course,” the nurse said. “May I ask that your croconaw be put into her pokéball first?”

    Sai’s expression hardened again, but he looked too tired to care. He returned Kuiora to her pokéball and handed it over.

    But the boy wasn’t about to give up. He came up to the counter as well and said, “Have you not learned your lesson? I’m surprised Nurse Joy isn’t reporting you. If I see one more incident I will report you, though I don’t want to let it get to that.”

    Sai turned to the boy, glaring once more. “And just what do you mean by that?”

    “Fight me. Battle me so they can see what kind of trainer I am, and let them decide if they want to stay with you or not.”

    Decide to stay with Sai or not? It almost seemed like every pokémon’s dream—every pokémon who had a bad trainer, anyway. The choice to leave. This had to be happening for a reason, or else it wouldn’t be happening at all… Without the entire situation played out, however, it was hard to judge what I would have done, should have done… and what I wanted to do.

    “What’s your name, anyway, kid?”

    “My name? My name is Marty.”

    “Well, Marty, I’m not worried at all. You’re on, but I’m waiting for Kuiora,” Sai said, and that was the end of the scuffle in the pokémon center, but not the questions inside my head. Fate may have been trying to tell me something, maybe leaving Sai was really an option… Who could ever know?

    *

    The battle took place two days later. Kuiora was anxious to get started right away, of course, but Sai insisted that she wait for her injuries to be healed. It took a lot of courage, I observed, to be able to deny her after what just happened, but she seemed to realize that it was for the best—probably because Sai, at least, wasn’t ignoring her.

    “You said I tell stories like no other, right?” she asked, hopping up and down on the bed. We were all back in the same hotel room, as Sai said he no longer wanted to spend money that way. He had really calmed down since Kuiora’s outburst, and it was extremely noticeable. No one had to chase him around the entire town or wonder when the next time we’d be able to buy food anymore, after all.

    “Yes, yes I did,” Sai said, simply sitting next to her and bouncing up and down to whatever rhythm she wanted.

    “That was different,” was all she said. She had already asked about being the strongest at least five times, anyway, since he was no longer ignoring her. Had it been on purpose? I supposed it was futile to ask, but perhaps I would someday.

    “I want you to tell a story,” I said instead.

    “You do?” Kuiora asked. She stopped bouncing, confused.

    “Yeah. Why not?” Because yes, I was tired of hearing about her being the strongest. This could have been a more enjoyable substitute.

    “A story about what?”

    “Anything goes, as long as it’s not about you being the strongest.”

    “Meanie,” Kuiora said, crossing her arms. “There are no legends about me yet, anyway, but there will be someday.”

    “I’ll bet.”

    “Do you want me to tell a story or not?” she pouted.

    “Go for it,” I said, smirking. It was always fun, picking on her… and that was why I never learned to expect anything serious from her. Her outburst was unexpected, and then soon I came to realize that her serious stories were unexpected.

    She told a story of an old man who burned because he was mourning for his lost wife and child. She had died in a house fire while trying to save their three-year-old son. She had sacrificed everything and still failed, according to the entire town. In the man’s mind, however, she had succeeded. Until a child is old enough to take care of himself, he thought, the mother should always follow and keep watch.

    “It simply would have been a sin to the gods had she done anything else but die saving him,” she explained. Atis lay on the top bunk, as usual, saying nothing, perhaps not even listening, just thinking. I lay on the floor, curling my tail around my body, occasionally looking up to watch Sai’s reaction carefully. Yes, he was listening, and he was listening well. The croconaw went on.

    Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him change his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

    One day, however, he wanted to face the very thing that had taken his wife and child. Oh, how badly he wanted to face the fire. He lit a candle and mourned for them. He mourned and mourned, planning to burn it and never see it again when he was done—until he heard a cackling sound, an eerie laugh. He opened his eyes, saw that the candle was gone. The candle had really been a rare pokémon shaped like a candle, its purplish glow said to steal the energy of humans and pokémon alike just to be able to burn some more. The man had no energy to stop the fire, or to even notice it was happening. He died in pain, but without even realizing he was in pain.

    “The town,” Kuiora finished, “said that he was smoking in bed when he set the house on fire. And then they wondered how the house was set on fire the first time. The end!” she said, bouncing off the bed and scaring me into the corner of the room due to her new larger size and sharper fangs.

    The battle took place two days later, after it finally hit me that Kuiora wasn’t just a kid—she was the same as all of us: she came with flaws and things that made her great, both of which she was afraid of showing.

    *

    Of course, Kuiora was also feeling much, much better. She was practically dancing over to our designated battlefield: Ilex Forest.

    And of course, the battlefield reminded me of home. The forest smell and appearance was much different from home. The trees were much, much taller, and it made the place darker than the one I remembered and thought of often. And like the Azalea Town gym, several bug pokémon were everywhere, out in plain sight, as if they knew their home was protected. I wished that my clan still felt the same—I at least had the comfort of knowing that they felt safe at some point. How was Ari doing, anyway? What about the rest of the clan? Had they perhaps relocated due to what happened? I thought and thought but it was no use. No one could answer me, as usual. So I tried to focus on the issue at hand: Marty’s crazy ambition and obsession with Sai’s training abilities. We were going to be fighting in a clearing, just as Sai had attacked me in a clearing when we had first met so long ago.

    Marty stood on one side of the clearing while Sai and the rest of us stood on the other side. Atis stood by my side, while Kuiora was already out in front of our trainer, knowing that she would be chosen to battle. I didn’t offer any protest this time, for I knew that this would happen as well. After her outrage, it was simply meant to be.

    The other boy took no time in choosing which pokémon to send out. He sent out a pokémon he called Halcyon, a name true to the bug’s nature. The purple and white bug flew around with joy, fluttering its wings as fast as it could to pick up speed and show off.

    “A butterfree, huh?” Sai said. He sounded tired, and I expected him to say something cocky like saying his croconaw was better or that he would win fast. But his feelings of invincibility seemed to have disappeared over the last few days. “Kuiora, use water gun!”

    Kuiora stood up as tall as she could, just as she had when she confronted Sai. We could all tell how proud she was as she inhaled sharply and exhaled a long, steady stream of water toward the butterfree, the first official enemy of hers. Halcyon, with its wings still flapping quickly, easily moved out of the way. It stopped mid-air and looked at Kuiora, waiting for its next move. But its mistake lay in stopping, as Kuiora simply moved her body in the butterfree’s direction, bringing the water gun attack with her. The steady stream of natural liquid never stopped, just relocated—and it ended up colliding head-on with the bug’s small purple face and torso. Halcyon didn’t cry out or move, just took the brunt of the attack.

    “Halcyon won’t lose to you, he won’t! Fly under it and use tackle!” Marty cried, smiling and not appearing too worried about his pokémon’s condition just yet.

    Halcyon reacted instantly, as if he had known what kind of counterattack his trainer would think of. Halcyon broke free of the water gun, seemingly unscathed, and barely grazed by the attack as he flew under the water and straight into Kuiora’s body. Finally, the water stopped, and Kuiora staggered backward.

    “I didn’t have time to move my attack. You got lucky,” Kuiora said. I almost chuckled at her, since her excuses were always amusing and childish to me. It reminded me of the old her—but was there really ever an old her?

    “You’re fine, Kuiora. Go ahead and use bite,” Sai said calmly.

    “Will do!” the croconaw responded happily. She stood there expectedly, waiting for the butterfree to get closer so she could attack.

    “We simply won’t go near you then! Try a stun spore instead.”

    Halcyon stayed in the air, its wings flapping slower now to help keep the bug suspended, stuck in place, just like the rest of us were at the moment. According to Marty, we were all stuck here pitifully and against our will, and according to Sai, we were all stuck here because the other boy was in our way and was just another obstacle to overcome… Whose beliefs should I have been following? Marty made me wonder, maybe only because he saved me, maybe because fate brought him to me not once, but twice now.

    No matter what the case was, it didn’t change the fact that Kuiora and Halcyon were fighting right now. Halcyon was emitting a strange, yellow substance, which started emanating throughout the entire battlefield within the minute. I wished that there were more bugs in my forest so that I could have warned Kuiora. She simply stood there and waited for the substance to sink into her, unsure of what it would do and probably thinking it was harmless enough to wait for.

    “Kuiora, you’re going to have to attack quick!” Sai called, finally realizing what the attack was after seeing that Kuiora was having troubles just by trying to keep her arms from drooping.

    Once the croconaw realized the situation as well, she immediately started propelling herself forward, past the yellow substance that was paralyzing her. I could tell that she was trying to run, but it looked more and more like jogging. Still, the butterfree remained suspended and focused on its attack as she got closer and closer, and when she was finally close enough, she jumped as high as she could and grabbed the butterfree with her clawed hands. Halcyon’s wings could no longer help him, and the stun spore attack ceased as he tried to free himself in vain. Kuiora had a firm grasp on him, despite the attack—it simply hadn’t had enough time to sink in and get to her completely yet.

    Kuiora pulled down Halcyon and kept him in place with one hand. Instead of biting, Kuiora pulled back her other hand and thrust it forward, knocking the butterfree right out of her hands and into the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Kuiora, though she did not appear as tall and proud, stood there as tall as she could, tired and restrained from her battle. She was still smiling, though, which was a good sign. Marty ran over to the bushes to check on Halcyon, but came back with nothing.

    “I put him back in his pokéball,” he mumbled glumly. “I’ll send out my next pokémon. It’s my only other pokemon, so this will be a two on two battle. Are you still using the croconaw?”

    Sai’s eyes widened, as if he hadn’t considered removing Kuiora from the battle. He was quiet, looking at her, thinking.

    “You did well, Kuiora,” he started. I could already see her starting to frown. “But you just healed and I don’t want you to get hurt more. I’d like to send Senori in… so that you can rest from your victory.”

    She smiled again at the end, and said that it was okay. Her voice sounded weak and she couldn’t nod; the stun spore was taking its effect now, and it probably wouldn’t start wearing off until the end of the battle or until she got back to a pokémon center.

    So Sai ended up sending me out to battle. Last time, I was facing a menacing scyther that could easily tell my weak point due to its clan leader’s commands. This time, I was facing a little cyndaquil that I recognized as one of Professor Elm’s starting pokémon for new trainers. Did Sai and Marty start around the same time? I looked back at Kuiora to see if she knew the cyndaquil, but there was no sign of recollection, just a smile that told me she was stronger than this thing despite the type disadvantage.

    “Do you know the croconaw over there?” I asked.

    “Nope,” the cyndaquil said, smiling.

    “Gracie, start off with an ember!” Marty cried out, clenching his fist in anticipation. He didn’t seem to want to let us talk, probably because of Sai.

    The cyndaquil known as Gracie inhaled and exhaled flames, directing them at me. It reminded me of Kuiora’s water gun attack, except this seemed much more dangerous and potentially painful. I ran on all four paws in order to dodge the attack. It didn’t seem as if Gracie was as good with controlling her attacks, so nothing followed me, though I did ensure this before I stopped running.

    “Senori, use tail whip!” Sai called to me.

    I ran over to Gracie, who was recovering from using her ember attack. She shrieked and covered her face with her tiny cream-colored paws as I attempted to smack her with my tail.

    “Are you scared?” I asked, sort of actually feeling sorry for her.

    “I get scared easily…” Gracie said, her voice trailing off, “but I can still fight!”

    After she finished her sentence, she removed her paws from her face and ran toward me this time, so quick that she was leaving afterimages behind her every time she moved. Every cyndaquil I saw looked the same, and I couldn’t tell who was real and who wasn’t. I turned my body to the left and right, trying to find a good time to escape, but each time I turned, Gracie or her afterimages followed and I second guessed myself. This time, she smacked into me, sending me careening into the bushes this time instead of Halcyon.

    When I went to get up, however, I saw another pokémon staring down at me.

    “I see that boy around here a lot,” it said. It was a bird pokémon, with white feathers covering all around its neck, with only one red feather sticking up at the top of its head. Its red colored face stared down at me, smiling. Its beak opened and shut numerous times, trying to speak. “If you want to end this quick, just hit Gracie on the back. It’s her weak point. She’ll get scared, and with her trying not to fall, you can put enough pressure on her tiny legs to where she can’t get back up.”

    “W-What?” I said, confused. Where had this bird come from, anyway? Had it been watching the entire time? And why even care about Marty and Sai and Gracie and me? I stumbled back to my feet quickly and hopped out of the bushes, not even bothering to say anything or look at the pokémon.

    Still, as the battle continued, I couldn’t forget what the bird had said. I didn’t want to cheat and hit Gracie on the back, but she was starting to wear me down. She had hit me into the bushes, and now she was aiming more ember attacks at me and making me run as much as possible, exhausting my energy. I did want to end this quick so that Marty didn’t win and find further reason to antagonize Sai the way he was, but still—

    I decided to try a similar strategy, one that I could be proud of. When Gracie shot out her next ember attack, I stopped and let it come straight at me. I prepared my tail as I watched the oncoming embers, and when it was finally close enough, I swung my tail at each and every one. While the embers simply dissipated upon contact, Gracie thought that they were going to come flying back at her and started cowering in fear once more, covering those already closed eyes of hers. Then I ran at her again and tackled her, hitting her in the side rather than mostly on her back. Seeing how small her legs were made me think that maybe there was enough pressure applied so that she couldn’t get up again, or perhaps just be fainted after battling so long and using so much energy on her ember attacks. Either way, she was finished battling, as she didn’t get up again, just kept whining.

    “Gracie, it’s okay, I know you’re not much of a battler. Return!” Marty said, and she disappeared as a mere flash of red, maybe looking at me with those closed eyes with desperation. How could I tell, anyway?

    “Good job, Senori. Return,” Sai said, copying Marty, though he didn’t return me to my pokéball. He rarely did.

    “Well? I may have lost, but it wasn’t about winning or losing, just seeing trainer styles and appealing to our pokémon in the best way possible. Let them choose, and let them remember how you almost let Senori get killed and how you let Kuiora get so out of hand!” Marty cried, frowning and glaring at Sai. But Sai ignored him and turned to us instead.

    “You did well, Kuiora, Senori. And Atis would have done well too. I’m sorry that Marty feels compelled to do this… and I’m sorry that I’m inclined to agree with him on some points. Maybe, someday…” he said, stopping to smile softly. “Maybe someday I can love you as much as I was meant to.”

    “I’d like to stay now that I can battle!” Kuiora said immediately, hugging and squeezing Sai’s leg closely to her. Sai smiled and rubbed her side, the one that had been damaged by Atis.

    “The croconaw is too young to know better, but her choice is her choice,” Marty said, crossing his arms impatiently.

    “Why are you so set on trying to get rid of me as a trainer?” Sai asked, looking up at the other boy.

    “I should just report you and have your pokémon forcibly taken from you,” Marty retorted.

    “That doesn’t answer my question,” Sai said, still calm and tired.

    “Most pokémon don’t know what a real good trainer can be like. The only example they usually have is their first trainer… and by the time they realize what they really need and want in a trainer, they’re too far from home to find their way back. It’s too late, and they feel trapped. But I don’t want pokémon to feel that way!”

    “I wouldn’t want them to, either,” Sai said sympathetically.

    “You don’t act like it!” Marty cried, frustrated.

    “I told you before… You don’t know me. I try my best.”

    “Then let them choose. I let Gracie and Halcyon choose, and I’ll let Gracie choose again someday.”

    “I never said I wouldn’t,” Sai said. He kneeled down once more, looked at all of us—but not expectedly. Perhaps he truly didn’t know what to expect. It made me wonder why he had accepted this battle in the first place. He did care, he cared, he did, I had to believe it. “Senori? Atis? No one should feel trapped or feel like they have to stay, Marty is right.”

    There was a long silence before anyone said anything else. There were a lot of factors I had to consider. I could start over here. I could build a new clan… not of sentret, but of bugs and whatever else was in this forest. I could try to find my way back—though, like Marty said, it seemed impossible and tough and risky. I could leave Sai’s world of unpredictability and go back to a life of routine and serenity…

    “I’d like to have time to think about it…” Atis mumbled eventually, finally, though something told me he would end up staying. Where else would he go? Maybe he’d stay until he found another purpose in his life, one that Sai couldn’t contribute to anymore.

    And me? I wondered. It was my turn. Yes, again, I could start over here. But didn’t I say I wouldn’t let Sai’s emotions get to me? And I had been doing well so far. I acted indifferent when he was going back and forth between being angry at me for losing the way I do and sad at himself for slowing him down, which he was still doing. Surely he’d be sad again soon—he was slowing down, and actually sleeping again, and he was no longer invincible… Yes, he was a rollercoaster. He always would be. And I feared his emotions deep down, even if I ignored them—I never knew what he was capable of, never knew what would happen next, never knew what kind of day I would have when I woke up. Still, he gave me a purpose, and he came at the right time in my life. He did seem to care, though there was something that was preventing him from showing it. Maybe, someday, like he said, he could show me, show all of us, and we could be happy…

    In the end… I knew I loved him more than I feared him.

    I chose to stay.
    Last edited by diamondpearl876; 15th October 2012 at 7:48 PM.

    | survival project |
    | this trainer is different. everyone knows it, but no one can explain it. |
    | complete |


    | flying in the dark |
    | he's hiding something. she just doesn't know it. |
    | on hiatus|


    | love and other nightmares |
    | limited time, limited abilities. kyurem says she can be cured in exchange for saving those who need saving. |
    | chapter 3 released 11/22/14 |


  25. #100
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    411

    Default

    There was a moment of silence. The boy looked around, glaring at the people who were still watching. “It Doesn’t matter if you listen or watch, if your pokémon don’t feel like you do,” he finally said, not looking at Sai anymore.

    I found it somewhat easier to read my way, but I might be totally off


    Every year, on the anniversary of the day they both died, the widowed man would dance with the air, imagining his wife there instead. Every year, he read a story to himself, imagining that it was his son he was telling it to. Other than this, the town never saw him changes his ways; they said he only changed his tires and his dreams.

    At the end where it says changes I believe it should say change

    Halcyon stayed in the air, its wings flapping slower now to help keep the bug suspended, stuck in place, just like the rest of us were at the moment. According to Marty, we were all stuck herepitifully and against our will, and according to Sai, we were all stuck here because the other boy was in our way and was just another obstacle to overcome… Whose beliefs should I have been following? Marty made me wonder, maybe only because he saved me, maybe because fate brought him to me not once, but twice now.
    Last edited by Dragonicwari; 21st June 2012 at 11:18 PM.


    ^You ever have that moment you realize you forgot to give credit? Sorry Irra!!^

Page 4 of 10 FirstFirst 12345678 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •