Quote Originally Posted by diamondpearl876 View Post
She never wanted our journey to be over so she never completed any gym circuit, and she wanted to see the waters and the unique cities there, she said.
Should be a comma before "so".

My name is Ezrem, and I don’t need pity to suffer from or feel guilty for my actions. This is just the surface of my story, but details are not needed here…
I didn't know quite where to stick this, so I'll put it here: Ezrem is interesting. It (I'm awful at guessing your pokemon's genders! Though, now that I think about it, it is a Rufflet and thus, HAS to be male) combines so many aspects of Kuiora (the love of fables and legendary pokemon), Senori (tragedy it caused involving its "pack") and Atis (seeing humans as bothersome and a means to his own personal ends).

“Now that we’re the only ones, I vow to protect you!” I said to him shortly after the incident, trying to quickly atone for what I had done. It was the least I could do, and maybe he could help me find a home here in Johto, since, according to the spiteful forest guardian, going back to Unova was out of the question due to the evil stunt I had pulled. I could only hope that we wouldn’t find an elekid in Johto, which was believed to be their main region. If that ever happened, what would I do? I had not a clue.
Oh, foreshadowing.

I knew his voice was fake because his body betrayed him when he didn’t stomp off or anything, just walked like a normal person you would pass by on the road. And with that, he was out of my sight. It looked like he had gone back to Azalea Town despite saying he wanted to leave. Nevertheless, I kept a note in my head—if Marty ever showed up again, he had a weakness: his sister, and maybe just the idea of being a trainer.
Ezrem may have TRAITS of Kuiora, Atis, and Senori, but it is also very much its own pokemon. Such nefariousness and plotting. It's almost a little evil... or, at least, completely selfish and narcissistic.

Out of the bushes jumped Rennio, screaming “Rennio has come back to the world!”
...Oh, god. What is this Elekid's deal?

“We would both like to join your team,” I repeated, more calmly and more determined this time. I started walking up to Sai, motioning again for Rennio to follow me. I knew he’d listen to me, as he trusted my judgment despite everything… And he did follow, leaving his berries behind.
I like the use of ellipses near the end there; I can hear Ezrem's mental voice tailing off as he again recalls what happened that put him and Rennio in the situation they find themselves.

Rennio peered over at me, and I nodded. So Rennio rolled it, or something like that. Like the berries, he dropped them on the ground as if I had just rammed him in the stomach once more. He probably wasn’t ready for another trainer’s attention, the poor guy, but it had to be done, I thought.
I might drop the "I thought" from the end there. It saps the strength of the "it had to be done" line, and I already knew Ezrem thought it--the chapter is his first person perspective. I get that he's relaying a thought he had in the past, but I just think the line would be stronger without it.

“Are you going to give him a name?” chimed in the croconaw, who had just been watching during this entire ordeal.

Sai paused, then carefully answered, “No. The elekid doesn’t have a name.”

“My name is Rennio, given by my other—”

“You don’t have a name,” Sai interrupted, releasing his hold on the pokémon.

“I don’t?” he said quietly, looking heartbroken, as if he would really have to give up his old name.

“No, you don’t.”

“So I’m really your pokémon?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Are you sure? What about my friend, Ezrem?” he asked, pointing to me.

“Ezrem is not my pokémon, but you are.”
I really liked this whole bit. Quick-hitting and fun. I do wonder why Sai dislikes the Ezrem so much. Can he see what kind of pokemon it actually is?

As if she was reading my mind, the first thing that she said when the two of them made it over to the other side of the clearing was: “My trainer is very picky about what pokémon is on his team. This elekid is very lucky.”

“Lucky, huh?” I said under my breath. Yes, it confirmed that Sai was a good trainer. But what good did that do for me if I couldn’t be with him? Although I was jealous of Rennio, I tried to be happy for him, tried to lay out my future plans, but none were coming to me. And he was looking at me expectantly, clearly waiting for those plans to be said.

“Lucky!” Kuiora said, jumping up and down gleefully.
Oh, Kuiora. I'm glad she didn't end up staying all moody and bitter.

“You should be on the team, Ezrem! I can’t do this alone,” Rennio said, snapping my attention back toward him. I had been so engrossed in the legendary pokémon business that I had almost forgotten him, the poor pokémon.
Man, Ezrem is a self-righteous jerk.


-As with all of your pokemon thus far (by the way! Don't think I've forgotten that one of them is eventually going to die. This makes me unhappy), Ezrem is an exceedingly deep, fulfilling character. He seems diabolical and selfish, and he, in turns, treats Rennio either like a true friend or a stupid pawn. I can't figure out if he actually cares for the Elekid or not. It's an interesting little mystery.

Sai might not know what he's getting into. Both Ezrem and Rennio have to be greatly over-leveled and powerful, given their history with their previous trainer (who I don't buy for one second is actually dead). It'll be neat to see what he thinks when he sees their power for the first time.