Survival Project (PG-13)

[Dragonicwari]

This is really good, but how the main charectar is written I'm afraid he is emotionally scarred and going to join team rocket.

[diamondpearl876]

This is really good, but how the main charectar is written I'm afraid he is emotionally scarred and going to join team rocket.

Maybe, never know! I don't like saying too much about him. I'll just say that you shouldn't be afraid of potentially evil characters, or of moral ambiguity.

Anyway, here's the next chapter. I really didn't know what to put in this chapter, so I'm not particularly fond of it. It seemed necessary, though, even if it kind of seems like filler. Enjoy. :P

SURVIVAL PROJECT

chapter 5 ; [KUIORA]
logistics

*

Violet City wasn’t violet. There was green grass and brown buildings and white walking paths and there weren’t even any violet flowers. And the purple roofs didn’t count. It was sort of disappointing. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but it was certainly more than this. This city looked just like New Bark Town, except just organized in an entirely different way. A city full of flower houses and purple people would have been better.

Senori had a sad expression on his face when we got there. He didn’t even look up from the ground. I didn’t think he was upset for the same reasons as me; he had seen much more than me. I guessed that he was upset about saying good-bye to whoever it was he had left Sai for, but I thought that meant he should be happy. Whoever was holding him down no longer had to hold him down. Unless Senori let it get to him, he was free, just as I was free from Professor Elm. I told him to cheer up a few times, but he just told me that I didn’t understand, and that he’d get over it soon.

Sai seemed unresponsive to the city as a whole at first, too. He walked slowly and said nothing until we came across a large building that he called a school, and another large building that he called a gym. That was when Senori finally spoke before spoken to.

“You know, normal kids wouldn’t be excited about school. Trainers would complain about how they wasted so much time there instead of raising pokémon. Normal kids would be dying of hunger or thirst by now,” he said, holding his stomach.

“What’s school?” I asked. I could be curious, at least, without being scolded.

“It’s where you can learn about a lot of things… especially pokémon-related things,” Sai explained, walking up to the building and pushing his face against the windows.

Senori promptly ran in his direction and pulled at his legs, yelling, “Get away from the window! You got lucky at the professor’s lab, but they’ll definitely see you and think you’re a freak here!”

I noted how Senori mentioned the lab, how Sai must have been watching me and the others the entire time, but I hadn’t noticed at all. It must have been the little brown creature keeping him in line, and he was trying to do it again now. Sai moved, but not because of Senori’s force. He brushed off the pokémon like it was nothing and went back to where he had been before.

“Okay. You don’t have to yell at me. But I’m going there. I won’t stay long, but I think it will help me get better,” he said, still looking at the building.

“Get better at what?” I asked.

“Training. Raising pokémon. Getting badges and getting stronger as fast as possible,” he said. And he smiled.

“I can help with that,” I said eagerly. “Professor Elm taught us how to train at the lab. I knew how to train better than everyone else there, too.”

“You don’t have any experience, little guy. I bet those kids do… and especially the older guy there.”

“But I know how to train. And people should just bring food to you and your pokémon,” I said, trying to speak louder. The pokémon at the lab were hopeless. Hopefully Sai and Senori weren’t like them. I would find out in time by trying to talk more, I decided.

“Fine. We’ll rest and go get food. Happy now?”

“Yes,” Senori said. “If you don’t remember to sleep or feed yourself or your pokémon, there’s going to be issues… Good thing I’m here.”

“But if we just wait here—”

“Shush.” He glared on me and I cut myself off immediately. I had never seen that much seriousness or lack of emotion packed into one face. “I know what you’re talking about, but we don’t need to deal with that anymore, do we? Let’s go, little guy.”

What on earth was he talking about? He thought that I was a boy and he pushed me away in favor of the true first pokémon. I already didn’t like him.

*

But things got better. He took us to the store and bought enough food to last us for what seemed like forever. He also bought an unbelievable amount of pokéballs, and a backpack to carry it all. I thought that he should’ve just taken the entire store if the owner was willingly given so much away, but Senori explained that he could only buy so much with pokédollars. So this was why Professor Elm never got a bigger lab for us, even when we just seemed to grow and grow…

“Are you really planning on catching that many pokémon?” I asked so that I could stop thinking about him. Professor Elm was gone, and I was free. He didn’t mean anything to me. And I was hoping to prove to him sometime soon that he wouldn’t need to catch so many. I would get stronger, and I’m sure Senori would, too. While I reluctantly accepted that Senori would get better with me, I believed that we could be enough, and that only a couple more pokémon couldn’t hurt.

“Maybe.”

“What about medicine?” Senori suddenly asked, not seeming to care about what was already bought anymore.

He paused. “Medicine has never helped me,” he said softly.

“It could work for pokémon.”

“Then we’ll get it later.”

“But you’re already out of pokédollars,” Senori pointed out.

“We’ll get more of those later, too,” he replied, his voice stronger again.

Senori sighed and apparently decided to settle on food. “Whatever will be, will be, I guess,” he said, and he made his way over to the entrance of the door, signaling his desire to leave.

And that was the end of that. As we walked out, I noticed that the guy behind the counter, the one who had given Sai suggestions on food types and the pokéballs themselves, was looking at us rather oddly.

*

Next, we visited a place called the Pokémon Center for the very first time. Sai seemed to have never heard of such a thing. The place was huge and crowded with other trainers who were conversing with each other and showing off their pokémon. I tried holding on to Sai’s ankle to keep myself from getting lost, hoping that he’d join the crowd soon enough. There didn’t seem to be too many totodile around, so surely someone wouldn’t object to seeing one with their own fortunate eyes.

Instead, Sai headed to the front counter and asked what he could do here for his pokémon. There was a lady with pink hair and a soft but genuine smile there for him to talk to. She happily informed him that he could leave us here to get healed from any injuries, or to simply have a place to sleep peacefully and out of pokéballs for the night.

“But I don’t want to give away my pokémon,” Sai said flatly. He glowered at her. “I just got them.”

The lady behind the counter frowned and looked almost like Sai had hurt her physically. “Oh, we don’t keep your pokémon here. You can come back and get them whenever you’d like. Or you could rent a room for yourself for the night and take your pokémon with you.”

The boy’s face almost returned to normal, though he was still frowning. He was still suspicious. “Okay,” he said. “Well, maybe I’ll come back when it’s dark. Thank you.”

After turning away from the front counter and the lady, Sai bent down toward us and whispered, “Now we’ll definitely get that medicine later.” Senori nodded, satisfied this time around, and the boy led us outside once more.

*

Needless to say, Sai didn’t want to go back to that Pokémon Center. We slept on the outskirts of the city in the grass once again. No one complained, since us two pokémon had been used to it for our entire lives. Sai didn’t seem to mind, either, though I couldn’t understand why.

After that day, though, he left his backpack with us and went off to that school. He’d be gone when we woke up, and he wouldn’t be back until it was dark. We knew where he was, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but we didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t as if we particularly liked each other. And if we tried to do anything, we risked getting lost. One day, though, I had an idea.

“Let’s catch a strong pokémon for Sai,” I suggested. “If he sees how strong and awesome we are, then he won’t have to use all of those pokéballs.”

“I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like that. He seems picky about who he chooses,” Senori said. He was sitting against a tree, eyes closed. I glared at him for dismissing my idea in such a nonchalant way, but he continued, “I’m also tired. I haven’t slept well since we’re in unfamiliar territory…”

“Who cares? He has to keep whoever we choose. We’re his pokémon! He has to listen to what we want,” I said. I went over to his backpack, trying to figure out how to reach the contents inside of it. There seemed to be no opening for me to put my hand into. With this roadblock and Senori’s annoying self, I ended up ripping a hole into it with my teeth and not caring too much about it.

“Not listening, huh? I bet you don’t even know how to catch a pokémon,” Senori observed.

“I bet I could,” I said confidently, pulling out one of the spheres with my paws. It was a bit difficult to pull it through the hole I had made on the backpack with my tiny paws, but I managed it. I turned toward Senori, and went to push the button in the middle of the ball. I dropped it once in the process, since it was difficult for me to hold. Senori snickered, and I glared at him once more.

“You’re a baby compared to me. You’re fun to mess with. And it seems natural for someone older like me to do so…” Senori added a bit sadly.

“Yeah, well,” I started, unsure of what to say. I was young, true. But he didn’t have to rub it in my face. I pressed the button on the pokéball instead, and dropped it again as it grew larger, making it harder to hold than before. “All I have to do is press that button. Then, I have to throw it at the pokémon I want to catch. It’s easy. Why don’t you try catching something?”

Senori’s eyes were still closed, but I didn’t give him a warning as I tossed the pokéball in his direction. It didn’t occur to me for a moment that the ball, when it got close enough to Senori, could snap open and suck the little brown creature inside. But that’s exactly what it did. And then it fell to the ground, swaying back and forth every few seconds. I stood there, dumbfounded. Hadn’t Sai already caught him with a pokéball? This shouldn’t have even been possible...

I expected Senori to pop back out and start teasing me again. But he didn’t. The ball stopped moving after what seemed like forever, and then I was left alone to wonder what I had just done. I successfully shut him up, and I could have something to use against him whenever he made fun of me from now on. Also, I figured that I had just saved Sai some time, and that I could now tell him that Senori had a pokéball if it was ever needed.

Walking up to Senori’s pokéball, I wondered if I should let him back out. But that would just be asking for more teasing and more complaints about things I wanted to do. Also, he was tired… Wouldn’t it have been best to just leave him in there to rest? Plus, I wasn’t the trainer. Sai could make these kinds of decisions himself. This was just an accident, so my actions didn’t count. I picked up the ball, which was easier now that it was back to its original tiny form. It didn’t feel any heavier, nor were there any signs that a pokémon was inside of it. It was almost as if Senori didn’t exist at all. I vaguely wondered again if I should release him, because if I were him, I wouldn’t want to be erased so easily. I had so much to do. I had to get stronger. I had to be deemed worthy of the legends. So much to do, and Sai made it seem like there wasn’t much time…

I decided to just train myself and put Senori’s pokéball in Sai’s backpack. I didn’t need the other pokémon standing around and watching me or trying to say that he could do better just because he was older. I could get a lot more done without him around, and this was especially true since it was still daylight. Sai wouldn’t be back for a long time. Still. So much to do, so little time.

I trained all day and all night, working on punches and kicks and aiming my water attacks correctly while still causing a lot of damage. I had been hoping to find new ways to train after leaving Professor Elm’s lab and seeing what else the world had to offer me, but I tried not to dwell on that and worked with what I had. I trained even after Sai came back, because when he came back, he didn’t ask where Senori was, and I didn’t tell him. He actually seemed calm and satisfied for once, and with the awkward and solemn demeanor he had presented already, I didn’t want to mess with that. He also didn’t ask why the grass or the trees were so wet. He still sat in the grass and he still slept against the trees and I still trained.

*

As it turned out, it was a good thing that I didn’t catch another strong pokémon for Sai, because he found one on his own. It was a strange looking creature that had been named Atis. It was strange looking, but also intimidating. He didn’t seem to like anyone, his feet and head had spikes on them, and when he battled in the other building Sai liked—the gym, was it?—he fought impressively. The battle was short, and even with the type advantage (I had learned about that from the bird owner, not Sai), he wasn’t afraid and he did what he had to do to win. I wanted to be like him. I vowed to be used in the next gym battle.

This was also the first time I had seen Senori since I had accidentally captured him. That morning, Sai finally asked me where he was when he said that we were going to the gym, and I explained everything to him. Besides a slight smile, Sai didn’t react much, and had to dig through his backpack and try every pokéball until he found Senori’s and let him out. He announced that we would be going to the gym later that day, and to be prepared. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure why, since he never intended for us to battle at all. But that was okay. Atis showed us the regular routine, and next time, I (or Senori, unless Sai realized how much training I had done) would know what to do.

“Was there a reason you had to go and catch me like that?” Senori asked when he finally saw me. We had been standing in the line of the gym.

“Yeah. You didn’t think I could do it. So I did it,” I replied, smirking.

“You knew I was joking. But at least I’m not tired anymore,” Senori said softly, already seeming to give up on the scolding. He just didn’t have the heart to be angry at anyone, I realized.

“Why didn’t you just break out of the pokéball? You were tired, yeah, but it should have been easy.”

“I didn’t want to make Sai mad at me for wasting it.”

And then we were quiet and watched Atis, who seemed naturally quiet unless coerced into speaking. I had no idea how he accomplished such a thing, but he did.

*

Violet City. The place wasn’t violet, but I got to train, Senori got to rest, Atis got to leave his home, and Sai learned an awful lot in order to earn his first gym badge at the end of it all.

When we were leaving Violet City, the lady from behind the counter at the Pokémon Center was outside, unlocking the doors for the day. She shouted to us, saying that there was a Center in every town, but Sai ignored her. He hadn’t even brought Atis there to heal after his battle, but he hadn’t sustained many injuries, so it was understandable. And when we passed by the school, Atis peered into the windows one final time, but he didn’t seem to need a good-bye like Senori did. I wondered why, but I didn’t question him. I would have to earn his attention through strength in the future, since he was so strong himself.

Unlike the trip to Violet City, we ran into quite a few pokémon trainers and more wild pokémon on the way to the next town. Atis destroyed all the pokémon in one hit, wild or not. Senori and I had a bit more trouble… which I guess was to be expected. It was also difficult when Sai didn’t know attack names when trying to command the both of us (though he let Atis do what he wanted). He just gave us general commands and thought that we should be able to comprehend and act on them in a matter of seconds, but sometimes, we couldn’t. How was I supposed to know what “ram your body into it” meant? I told him that he must be talking about the body slam attack… which I didn’t know anyway, I had to admit. Someday, I’d learn how. Or someday, Sai would learn how to win (or lose) battles like a normal trainer. By the end of the day, I didn’t care which came first.

The hardest part about the traveling trip was the cave that we came across. The cave was old, we could tell. Wild pokémon were even afraid to come out at times since rocks were falling from the ceiling pretty much everywhere. Other trainers didn’t want to take the time to battle. Senori voiced his concern about us getting squished to bits, but Sai didn’t seem fazed. He walked where he wanted and rested where he wanted, with the rest of us being separated while trying to find somewhere safe, somewhere where no other trainer or pokémon was already occupying. I didn’t know how long it took to get through that cave, but it seemed like way too long after being paranoid about rocks and having your life end before you really got anywhere.

Senori was the first and only to be endangered. He had picked an obviously bad spot, and a trainer noticed. The rest of us were resting. We were too far away to look out for him or notice what was going on.

“Watch out!” said an unfamiliar voice out of nowhere, and Senori’s ears perked up. He looked above him and went to move out of the way, but no one would ever know if he would have been too slow or not. The trainer crashed into him and the two went careening away from the rocks, which promptly fell as soon as they were out of the way. I could hear Senori screaming in surprise, not from pain—a good sign.

Sai didn’t react to the situation until after Senori had screamed, until after the trainer pushed him out of the way, and until after the noise of rubble and failure from the rocks subsided. The trainer got up and helped Senori to his wobbly feet. He dusted Senori off and then himself, then stomped angrily over to our trainer.

“You should really watch your pokémon more. Return them to their pokéballs or something. I came in here not long after you, so I’ve seen you this entire time. I feel sorry for your pokémon,” the trainer said.

Sai stood up from his resting spot, and stepped in front of the other trainer so that their faces were inches apart. “I’m sorry that happened, and thanks for saving him. But don’t tell me what to do with my pokémon. I have enough orders without you butting in to my life.”

“A trainer makes his own rules, but should be careful with the rules he makes,” the other trainer said, backing away from Sai, but still looking just as angry.

“You don’t know anything about me. I’m as careful as I can and want to be.”

“Again, I feel sorry for your pokémon. It was none of my business, but if I hadn’t stepped in, your sentret would be dead. Let that sink in,” the trainer said, and then he walked away, stopping only to scratch Senori behind the ears for a few moments of reassurance.

Before Sai let him get away, he yelled, “How long have you been following us, anyway?”

“I’m not following you. But we’ve all been in here for two and a half weeks now, which makes us all even more lucky that no one’s been killed yet,” the other trainer answered, not bothering to turn around.

“Two and a half weeks,” Sai murmured, making his way over to Senori. He bent down to see him face-to-face. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Let’s just get out of here.”

Senori could only nod, still confused and shocked and full of dirt.

“Do any of you want to go in your pokéball?” Sai asked loudly, clearly, looking around at the three of us.

“No,” Senori said quickly. “Who will protect you, then?”

“…Fine,” Sai said. “And you two?”

Atis agreed to go in his ball, but I wasn’t about to give up possible training time. I was younger and more alert and stronger; I could handle whatever came my way by myself. I also thought that I could use this incident to tease Senori, but I would have to wait until later.

When we started to make our way through the cave again, Sai took the time to process just how much time had passed. He became increasingly furious with every passing moment. He started sacrificing resting time just to travel more, and all he kept murmuring about was how much time had been wasted here. No more time could be spent here. If we were hungry, we ate and walked at the same time. If we were thirsty, we had to take a drink from the ponds quickly for fear of being left behind, which was a risk we had to take since the availability of water was few and far between. If we were tired, we went in our pokéballs (at which point Senori actually half-heartedly thanked me for catching him and giving him a place to rest). I even saw Sai fight some pokémon himself, even the rock-types, and I made a mental note to myself so that I could see just how strong he was sometime.

It took us three more days to get through the cave, Sai announced later. Somehow, he had been carefully keeping track of time. It was nighttime when we reached the outside of the cave, but Sai didn’t want to stop and rest there. Being near the cave was dangerous, he said, and being in the actual town would make him feel better. That night, we slept in the pokémon center, with the boy making it very clear that he would be taking his pokémon with him into the room. The pink-haired lady behind the counter was confused by his apparent hostility, but she agreed and gave him a room nonetheless for a certain number of pokédollars. The boy didn’t sleep much, but we certainly did. And we took every drink and piece of food offered to us by the people who came by the room and knocked cheerfully.

We had finally reached Azalea Town, where I got to train some more, where Senori realized just how weak he was, where Atis apparently learned how to speak, and where Sai went crazy for the first time.

[Sidewinder]

Nicely done.

For some reason, this chapter felt different than the ones you've posted before. Not in a bad way at all, just different. The feeling was more intimate in a way; I think it was because of the conversations between Senori and Kuiora. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there's something about the two of them having a conversation really drew me in. Maybe its their backstories, or the way that they each view the world, but I like the fact that there is maybe the beggining of a lasting friendship developing. I've never read a fic where my favorite character switches from chapter to chapter. It's obviously the result of your great writing, but I usually just stick to one with anything I read. I switch my favorite alot in movies and television shows, but never in a written story. I like it...Anyway,

As always, your grammar was great. I didn't find any spelling or punctuation mistakes at all. I never do with you, so that should come as no surprise. At the end, it felt like it sped up a little bit too much for my liking, especially the bit where it took them three more days to get through the cave. After the incident at the beggining of the cave, I thought you were going to spend more time in it. I liked the parts where Kuiora commented on how water was sparse and stuff, I was just hoping for a little more detail about the cave and the journey through it. Besides that, I felt like the pacing of this chapter was really nice, so good work on that.

Another thing that stuck out for me was the part where Kuiora captured Senori in the Pokeball. Awesomely done. Not only is the concept of a Pokemon capturing another great, but Kuiora's inner dialogue about how she should realease him or not was hilarious. If you couldn't guess, I switched to her for this chapter. Her training all day to make sure she got stronger was really believeable, and I think you've done a really job creating a character that I can easily relate to. Aspiring to be better is no easy feat, especially when writing it; but you have done a really good job.

Another part was the interraction between Sai and the trainer that saved Senori. I could almost feel the heat radiating between the two of them as they spoke, it was pretty intense. I think it showed Sai's Pokemon exactly where his intentions were as well, but he made up for it at the end by apologizing (at least in my eyes). The other trainer, which they can obviously understand, kinda showed them the other side of being a trainer's Pokemon. When they guy reached down and scratched Senori's ear before he walked away was a nice little **** you to Sai. It really seems like something I would do if placed in that situation.

and where Sai went crazy for the first time.

Oh thank god. I can't wait to read the next chapter lol

All in all, nicely done. Great chapters are something I've come to expect from you, and you're still doing fantastic.

[diamondpearl876]

For some reason, this chapter felt different than the ones you've posted before. Not in a bad way at all, just different. The feeling was more intimate in a way; I think it was because of the conversations between Senori and Kuiora.

I think that may have something to do with the fact that I'm not really in introduction-only chapters anymore and there's more interaction between them. Even Senori's second chapter was more introduction than anything. That's my best guess, anyway. :P Either way, that's a pretty good thing, I'm glad you pointed it out.

As always, your grammar was great. I didn't find any spelling or punctuation mistakes at all. I never do with you, so that should come as no surprise. At the end, it felt like it sped up a little bit too much for my liking, especially the bit where it took them three more days to get through the cave. After the incident at the beggining of the cave, I thought you were going to spend more time in it. I liked the parts where Kuiora commented on how water was sparse and stuff, I was just hoping for a little more detail about the cave and the journey through it. Besides that, I felt like the pacing of this chapter was really nice, so good work on that.

Lol, I do like having no (or few) mistakes. I usually stop writing after a few paragraphs and go back to edit/proof-read what I had just written rather than going back at the very end to do it all at once. Your work never has a lot of mistakes in it, but I think it could help you get some of those easily missed mistakes you made your thread about. Dunno if it would help you, but thought I'd throw that out there.

Also, I agree that it was rushed there. :C I'll have to go back sometime and add more to it. I'm not really sure what happened there. The whole chapter was supposed to be a traveling chapter, but then I added things to fill in the blanks of Atis's chapter, and then said, "Well, I already showed/said all of the characterization stuff I wanted to add during the actual traveling part" so I shortened it. Oops.

Another thing that stuck out for me was the part where Kuiora captured Senori in the Pokeball. Awesomely done. Not only is the concept of a Pokemon capturing another great, but Kuiora's inner dialogue about how she should realease him or not was hilarious. If you couldn't guess, I switched to her for this chapter. Her training all day to make sure she got stronger was really believeable, and I think you've done a really job creating a character that I can easily relate to. Aspiring to be better is no easy feat, especially when writing it; but you have done a really good job.

Well, awesome. I'm glad you like all the characters enough to consider them your favorites.

Oh thank god. I can't wait to read the next chapter lol

Haha, I had a feeling you'd like that last line just for that. :P It should be interesting, I can't really wait to see how it turns out.

Thanks for reading&&reviewing!

[Sidewinder]

Lol, I do like having no (or few) mistakes. I usually stop writing after a few paragraphs and go back to edit/proof-read what I had just written rather than going back at the very end to do it all at once. Your work never has a lot of mistakes in it, but I think it could help you get some of those easily missed mistakes you made your thread about. Dunno if it would help you, but thought I'd throw that out there.

I can't believe that I never thought of that. Wow, I think that would help me out alot. I think I'll give it a try. Thanks!

Haha, I had a feeling you'd like that last line just for that. :P It should be interesting, I can't really wait to see how it turns out.

I sure did. Actual distress from Sai, yeah I'm definitely down for that

[diamondpearl876]

I can't believe that I never thought of that. Wow, I think that would help me out alot. I think I'll give it a try. Thanks!



I sure did. Actual distress from Sai, yeah I'm definitely down for that

No problem. Also if you didn't see I reviewed your next chapter for Requiem a few days ago (I just edited a post I made before).

And yup! I still have yet to decide a lot of things for next chapter, but hopefully it'll be up soon. :P

[The Great Butler]

Just finished reading this all, and boy, I sure am impressed.

I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.

I will put my thoughts on Sai behind a spoiler, because I think I know something about him.

    Spoiler:- Sai:

Show Spoiler

 
I think he is the subject of some kind of experiment and his exploits as a trainer are being closely monitored. The name of the story - Survival Project - suggests this, as does his comment about 'orders' and his inexplicable amount of money that he was carrying. His incredibly naive approach to everything may be the result of being raised in a laboratory away from normal society.

He is an especially interesting character for several reasons. With his ... unusual ... approach to Pokémon training combined with only seeing him through the eyes of said Pokémon, he already stands out as a journey fic protagonist. I like his dice rolling, which comes off as a unique trait; it also leaves me to wonder what might happen if the roll ever didn't come up as he predicted. Assigning such mystery to a protagonist is another unique move that helps draw the reader into Sai's character.
 

All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.

[diamondpearl876]

I'll take a bit of an unorthodox approach and talk about Sai's Pokémon first. This is one point where the usage of changing perspective really helps, because it allows us to get intimate knowledge of a Pokémon's personality and nature immediately within a chapter or two of its debut. Senori has the most fleshed-out backstory so far, but I think Atis will prove to be very interesting upon further development as well. It's understandable that Kuiora has a little less right now, as she's a lab-raised starter Pokémon, but this latest chapter has already given us a good look at her, with more to come. This fic should be held up as an example of how to develop Pokémon as characters, I think.

Glad you like the characters so far. And the point of view changes. I figured that if I told this from Sai's point of view, no one could get to know the characters at all, so yeah.

Sai spoiler

Hmm, well, I like the way you think, and you're the first person who's brought the title into consideration. I of course don't want to spoil anything, but I hope you stick around to see what I have planned for him.

All the asthetics are nearly flawless, as others have pointed out. I do feel that the pacing is at times a little fast, but this is usually balanced out by the multi-viewpoint technique.

All in all, I have to give very high marks, and say I'm definitely looking forward to more.

I'm glad you like it so much so far. I agree that the pacing is a bit much at times, and it's something I'll be focusing on more now that more things will actually be happening. Did you want to be added to a PM list or anything? Either way, thanks for reading and reviewing!

[The Great Butler]

If you have a PM list, go ahead and add me. It'll help me keep up-to-date.

[diamondpearl876]

I do indeed. Added, thanks!

[Dragonicwari]

If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well

[diamondpearl876]

If its not to much trouble I would like to be on your pm list as well

Not a problem at all. Added~

[Jazz14456_Whenwilltheychangeitback]

OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.

[diamondpearl876]

OK, been reading this for the past two days, and I'm loving it. So far, the backstory of Senori along with other intriguing aspects of the story, have lured and captivated my imagination as much as the first read of my favorite books. The grammar is faultless, or very near so. I think, so far, that the characters are this story's strongest point. I'm really excited for the next chapter, so please put me on the PM list.

Yay, a new reader! I'm glad you like it so far. I hope you stick around to read more, and don't be afraid to point out issues with grammar or anything else. Added you to PM list.

Chapter 6 should be up sometime in the next few days.

[Jazz14456_Whenwilltheychangeitback]

"The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."
You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?

[unrepentantAuthor]

Review for chapter one:

Your opening is decent, with thoughts entirely appropriate to a sentret, regarding scent and so on. It seems a little fragmented, could perhaps have a clearer train of thought, but in a way that manages to express the confusion and regret I imagine the narrator to have.

For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.

The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.

The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.

The creepiness of the human as he grips his wrist is perfect. Fixating on the knuckles is an ideal technique to use, and it works well. I’m still holding to my psychopath theory. His dialogue is also suitably eerie, and although sentret isn’t all that shocked he understands pokémon speech, neither is the reader, so that’s fine.

The characterisation of Senori is interesting; he – if Senori is male – knows a great deal about humans and is aware that he is too often lost in thought. The obvious inference is that he’s insatiably curious about humans, that his clan disapproves, and this is why he’s more or less okay with being captured. I approve of him not immediately accepting it and having concerns other than the human’s journey; it’s an enormous relief from typical journey fics where pokémon are only too happy to drop everything for their new master.

After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.

Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.

Expect a review in equivalence to this one for every chapter with superior analysis if possible, given that I’ve written this one while quite tired.

As you said to me, feel free to selectively ignore me, as I am not always right. And as you said to me, keep it up~

[diamondpearl876]

"The professor eased our sadness with food. He brought out various trays filled with different kinds of berries and he let us choose what we wanted. I just took a few of my favorite Cheri berries."

You know how you are not using capitals on pokemon and pokemon related trademarks of Nintendo? Well, I think that the only thing that should be capitalized, then, is when you are referring to a pokemon's nickname, or if you using the species name in place of that nickname. So shouldn't Cheri be lowercase with your rules of capitalization?

It makes sense to me. I guess I wasn’t thinking since berries aren’t as commonly used in the fic as, you know, pokémon names. Lol. I’ll change it and keep it in mind for the future, thanks!

For some reason, I really like that you have a human attacking a pokémon. We as readers are so conditioned to assume that all combat with pokémon will take place via standard battles that confronting even a weak one seems bizarre. In any case, the realisation that the human is probably psychopathic, or at the very least an unusual character, is a most potent hook for readers. I love it.

You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.

The style flows slightly awkwardly but I imagine it’s a kink that shall be ironed out with practice so I’ll withhold detailed comment until I’ve read a few chapters and have a broader sample of your writing. Can’t fault your grammar though, which is a relief; as I’m sure you’ll agree, grammatical failings are an instant red flag.

Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.

The narration could probably use a stronger grounding in the experiencing of the event, if that makes sense. The sentret is analysing things and talking about the inevitability of their defeat and so on but it feels emotionless. Of course, the narration is in hindsight, but I imagine this is a traumatic experience and some clearer reference to that may enhance the passage. Perhaps sentret could shake, or taste blood. While you’re at it, the human probably smells of the wild rather than urban settlements and sentret remarking on that would be good to see. That’s only a suggestion, though.

I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.

After the human claimed Senori was absolutely the only possible sentret he could have, I made a leap in logic to assume this is a Nuzlocke fic. If I’m right, I shall be enormously pleased for numerous reasons. The use of the die is also intriguing, and another good hook. Even if I weren’t reviewing as part of an exchange, I would still feel compelled to read onwards.

I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.

Sai is fascinating and I don’t know what to make of him, Senori is a pleasantly interesting narrator who obviously has a fairly developed personality from the beginning, and there’s enough unknowns without being irritating that this opening chapter has very successfully pulled me in. I can tell I’m going to enjoy reading the rest.

Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

Thanks for reading/reviewing!

[unrepentantAuthor]

You’re one of the few people so far who have seemed to like Sai, haha. That’s good to know.

I actually find this surprising. He's very interesting, and his bizarre behaviour endears him to me over any Ash-expy.

Indeed. I plan on re-writing this first chapter sometime, especially since, I’ll admit, it was written a couple years ago… and all the other chapters are recent. Aside from minor edits, I didn’t particularly know what to do with it, so I wanted to wait until I got some comments about it, and now I think I could handle it better.

Trust me, I know that feeling. Best to add a note to the beginning informing new readers of that, if you ask me, an go back to revise it after you've settled into your stride.

I’ll take that into consideration. The sentret though is supposed to be completely lost in his thoughts and be rather emotionless. As he mentioned, there was another event that happened with his clan, and I think he’s still stuck on that trauma and doesn’t really consider Sai attacking him as another traumatic event. He considers it as more of a punishment that he shouldn’t really be complaining about.

That might be a pretty good way of making that clear, then. Senori tastes blood but doesn't particularly care because of his transient concerns. Don't worry though, I did get that he has other issues on his mind that numb the shock of Sai's appearance. I have a guess as to what, but I'm not sure if I should say what I think it is...

I’m glad you’d read it anyway, though sorry to disappoint you, it’s not a Nuzlocke fic! Though there is another reason that Sai believes Senori is “special” that will be revealed eventually.

No worries, it's not a disappointment. Again, I have a guess, but I'm withholding it...

Good to hear. This is an especially character-driven fic, so the characters are obviously important. I do hope you enjoy the rest.

Thanks for reading/reviewing!

I shall! Expect a couple more reviews by the end of the week.

[Sid87]

Since I'm late to the party, I'm going to review this chapter-by-chapter as I get into it so you can have my progressive thoughts. So...chapter one!

Here's one line:

Was this guy a trainer?

I have no idea why, but I didn't like this, and I think it was the use of "this guy". It seems like such an oddly colloquial term for a pokemon to use. "The human", "My attacker"; these were all others ways he was referred to that worked just fine, but the odd use of "this guy" made feel somewhat off. This one is just my opinion, though.

His words: non-existent, yet sharp enough to break the skin.

I wasn't enamored of this, either. Just because his words WERE non-existent, so how could Sentret have been hurt by them? I get that it is nice wording, but I think a better way would have been "His THOUGHTS: unreadable, yet sharp enough to break the skin". Because Sentret clearly has designs on what the attacker might be thinking (and they sting him), but he can't actually read them.

Okay, that's pretty much it for the "negatives", and they're pretty easy (also, basically just opinions on my end).

So, I hate the trainer kid here, but he's fairly well-done. I wonder how old he is...if I had to guess, I'd say in his tweens? He doesn't quite seem to be the standard ten-year old (but he could be). I absolutely like that he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, and he communicates his lack of knowledge as anger and violence, which is a very childlike thing to do. Something has to have happened in his life, right? Because he's obviously jaded and angry to the point of over-aggression. But he obviously wants to be loved, too, which is well displayed in his interactions with Sentret. I'm very curious as to what has made him the way it is (and why he looks at the pokemon journey as...I dunno...a chore or a bother when it should be happy). I really feel like this could be Silver from the G/S/C series, but I doubt it is.

I also hope we come back to Sentret's clan somehow. What happens to them after Senori leaves? Are they unprotected? Happy he's gone? Sad? Oblivious? I want to see Senori come back to them somehow because they are apparently so important to him.

That said, I can't tell if I like Senori or not, but in that good way that means he is well-written. He's so whiny and needy and self-effacing. I want to feel bad for him, but I want to tell him to shut up and man up at the same time. I'll be curious to see how he changes.

[Sid87]

Chapter 2!

They had all been born from the same egg, created by the god of the pokémon universe.

Another line that just doesn't sit well with me. Pokemon and humans do exist in the same universe (unless whoever is narrating this fable about the boy and the girl is someone who oversees entire multiverses). Are you just trying to say that Pokemon and humans have a separate god? I could see that, but then I'd just say "the god of pokemon" and leave out the universe bit entirely.

“Sai,” I said. I kept repeating the name over and over in my head. Since all of us were called by our species name and had to rely on the differences in voice and body sizes, I had assumed that humans were similar. I had imagined that perhaps they were all named Elm and that they all had to identify each other by individual, unique characteristics. But it looked as if they all had different names! I was learning a lot already.

Nothing to correct here; I actually just wanted to say I kind of loved this part.

I like the almost religious nature of the Totodile: his reverence towards basic things like the sun or grass and how "the legendary pokemon" put them here. And, of course, I like his pride foiling Senori's weakness and uncertainty. A lot of characteristics I've seen attributed to pokemon: weak, strong, bullyish, happy, chipper, depressed. But I don't think I've seen any that I would categorize as religious or reverent. Nice touch.

We didn't get any further glimpses into Sai's character here, as he was pretty pleasant and happy with Kuiora (which, btw, I can't even begin to imagine how to pronounce. Koo-EE-or-ah? Koo-YOR-ah? KOY-rah? Help me out here). I guess there's the mystery of his lack of a trainer's card, which probably means more than I was taking it to. Is he really from Vermillion? That bit of dialogue felt like a lie to me. I guess we'll see where it goes from there.