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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

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  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

    Hello, I’m a relatively new face in the fan fiction world, and this is my first attempt at a story.
    I’ve been working on it for a while now, and there will be many rookie mistakes on my part, but those can and will be ironed out as I get more practice.

    Rated PG-13 for violence in later chapters.

    Disclaimer: I own nothing concerning Pokemon, or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
    That honor resides with Nintendo and others.

    I do however own this story, the plotline and the characters in it. Characters and other things from this story are not to be used anywhere without my expressed permission.
    Thanks for reading all that.

    I would appreciate reviews, constructive criticism, and advice to improve the quality of this fic.

    See some excellent fan art for this story and other stories of mine here!

    Let’s get started.

    Chapter list:
        Spoiler:- Chapter list:


    PM List:
        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Now, without further delay I present to you
    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown


    Author's Note: [Very Important!]


    As of this date [6/17/13], the former prologue is no longer canon with the rest of the story. I have done an extensive rewrite of it, but, due to character limits, I cannot fit it into this post.

    This link will take you to it. [Warning to all: The new prologue does reach the PG-13 boundary of this story for some parts]

    This retro-continuity is now valid.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 3rd June 2014 at 9:24 PM. Reason: PM List Additions

  2. #2
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    This is AMAZING! The way you introduced a situation with people first instead of Pokemon was a brilliant idea. Remember to check your spelling, but well done to the start of what I hope to be an amazing fanfic!
    Youtube references aka. My channels:

    My main channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Bobmeister24?feature=mhee

    My band's channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/penandhammer?feature=mhee

    My collaborated gaming channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6d...tZ-NnHqOLZSc3g



    My Fanfics:

    Psyched for the Fight:
    Chapter 6 out now!


    Searching for Solrock:
    Chapter 5 out now

  3. #3
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    Well, this is one start to a fanfic I won't forget anytime soon.

    Let me start off by saying that this is a very visual story- you do not skimp on description. I could clearly visualize the lab in my head, something I don't often do, even with published work. Every action, every character, every location I could see in my head.

    Second, you do manage to make Henry and Doug captivating, even though they may or may not appear again in future chapters. You managed to tell a lot about them within a single chapter. I'm hoping the main character will be similar in depth.

    I must admit, though, I'm not too sure what they were attempting. I had initially assumed it was teleportation, ut at the end, it seemed like interdimensional transport. Am I remotely close with either theory?

    Overall, I'm blown away. I can't wait for the next chapter. If this is what six drafts can produce, maybe I ought to start doing multiple drafts for MD Journal. After I finish, anyway.

    (Oh, and I kind of read the computer's lines in GLaDOS's voice. Is that what you were going for?)

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
    Most Recent Chapter- Several weeks after they arrive at Star Peak, Chance alerts Team Jump to a Darkrai Shard in the area.

    Interested in a blog that reviews the Pokémon products of the past and present? Have a look at http://tompokenutter.wordpress.com/ !
    http://askredemption.tumblr.com/
    Ask the cast of Redemption anything you like!


  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Well, this is one start to a fanfic I won't forget anytime soon.

    Let me start off by saying that this is a very visual story- you do not skimp on description. I could clearly visualize the lab in my head, something I don't often do, even with published work. Every action, every character, every location I could see in my head.

    Second, you do manage to make Henry and Doug captivating, even though they may or may not appear again in future chapters. You managed to tell a lot about them within a single chapter. I'm hoping the main character will be similar in depth.

    I must admit, though, I'm not too sure what they were attempting. I had initially assumed it was teleportation, ut at the end, it seemed like interdimensional transport. Am I remotely close with either theory?

    Overall, I'm blown away. I can't wait for the next chapter. If this is what six drafts can produce, maybe I ought to start doing multiple drafts for MD Journal. After I finish, anyway.

    (Oh, and I kind of read the computer's lines in GLaDOS's voice. Is that what you were going for?)
    Thank you both for your reviews!

    @pokenutter. Thanks, now you see why this took so long to finish. I needed everything to be a certain way for the rest of the fic to work.
    And about your theory, spot on. It was kind of a mixture of both of the two. That's all I can say about it at the moment. More info on that will be revealed later on.
    Also, I tried my best on Doug and Henry's characters, but I can't say whether we'll be seeing them again. Maybe. Maybe not.
    And the computer's voice? So close.
    I was actually going for the Announcer's voice in Portal 2. Good guess though.



    And Bobmeister24. Thank you as well. Spelling errors? Could you tell me where? I thought I got all of them except the ones in the computers glitching voice. Please show me where, I want all the kinks in this to be ironed out.



    Thanks for the great reviews.
    I'll update when chapter one is finished.
    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 27th February 2012 at 3:25 AM.

  5. #5
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    Hey, this is a really good fic! I agree with pokenutter, you're really good at the description. Even though it's the first chapter, with all the description a reader can instantly get drawn in without being swamped. Really looking forward to more chapters!

    RANK UP! YAY!
    Last edited by PhantomDragon; 26th February 2012 at 8:34 PM.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  6. #6
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    Thanks, PhantomDragon. I appreciate the positive review.
    And congrats on the rank up.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 27th February 2012 at 3:22 AM.

  7. #7
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    OK Knightfall, here are some of the mistakes which I have found and corrected:

    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    “How are you going to make this different than all the others?
    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    The observation windows were flooded with an overwhelming amount of the bright light, everything was painted as blinding stark white.
    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    As if the building had heard their plea to escape, all movement stopped.
    I added this one as the word "heard" wasn't in the text, so it didn't make sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    The concrete hallway which the hatch exited out to was in ruins.
    Bad grammar.

    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    The metal pipes that lined the interior of the passage had ruptured in the destruction and now were busy emptying their contents onto the crumbling floor.
    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    The dim overhead floodlights were nearly blocked off completely by the smoke and dust clouding the air.
    As you can see, it was just a few small minor details which I picked out. Keep checking yourself in case I've missed any other kinks out. Hope that helped!
    Youtube references aka. My channels:

    My main channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Bobmeister24?feature=mhee

    My band's channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/penandhammer?feature=mhee

    My collaborated gaming channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6d...tZ-NnHqOLZSc3g



    My Fanfics:

    Psyched for the Fight:
    Chapter 6 out now!


    Searching for Solrock:
    Chapter 5 out now

  8. #8
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    Thanks, Bobmeister24. I think I got all of them.
    "Where" and "were" I know the difference between the two, but I still get mixed up every now and then.

    Thank you for pointing them out.

    Knightfall signing off...

  9. #9
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    I gotta say that this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering this is your first fic. I like the description a lot and the way you present the characters and settings was very good. You also did a nice job with the computer language. The explosion scene was done very well as I could really feel the suspense before and after it happened.

    If there's any critique I have, it's that sections that could be paragraphs are separated into individual sentences. Here's an example:


    Then a roar louder then anything either of the men had ever heard quickly drowned out the sounds of falling building foundations.


    The observation windows were flooded with an overwhelming amount of the bright light, everything was painted as blinding stark white.


    The glass in the windows blew apart, unable to take the energy pulses. Shimmering shards of window rained down from above.


    The resulting explosion threatened to shake the room to pieces, but-miraculously- it stayed intact, for the moment.


    Doug shakily climbed to his feet, Henry right behind him. The floor was no longer stable; total collapse was nearing.


    The younger scientist slowly peered over the shattered window into the ruined room below. The metal portal was an inferno, flames belched from the interior of the metal device. Electricity sparked from the burnt monitors and melted wires.

    Doug coughed from the smoke and fumes rising from the burning room below, the smell of burning flooded the upper chamber, filling his lungs with the stinging substances.


    Doug squinted at the center of the furnace, where the table and the boy once existed.
    His eyes widened in horror as he saw one half of the twisted remains of the metal table embedded in the concrete wall, and the other half nowhere to be found. The several computer monitors that decorated the room where either smashed and on fire, or no where to be found at all.
    It seems like this could all be combined into one paragraph. Other than that, I don't have any critiques. Well done and keep it up!

    New Chapter: Chapter 4- Unova

    Pirates of the Caribbean: The Creature of Storms
    Also check out my completed crossover of Pokemon and Pirates by clicking the title!


    "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
    Ephesians 6:17

  10. #10
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    Thank you, I need all the feedback I can get. Hmmm, never occured to me about the paragraphs, I guess now that I look at it, some of those sections would indeed look better as paragraphs.
    Some of them, though I tried to do for emphasis. So yeah I'll fix those right away.

    For everyone else, Chapter One is almost completed, should be posted here soon if I'm not delayed.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 8th March 2012 at 12:18 AM.

  11. #11
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    Default Chapter One

    Chapter One: The Story Retold




    [Time: 19:34 Hours] [Date: REDACTED] [Location: REDACTED] [Begin Transmission]
    “Operation: Sky’s Edge failed. Artifact lost. Captured two members of the science team at Gate A. Interrogation and disposal will commence at forward command post at 2000 hours. Await further orders.”[End Transmission] [Source: REDACTED]





    There was no wind, yet the tall, golden fronds of grass swayed like waves on a fabled sea. The shimmering plants tossed their grainy heads around in the nonexistent breeze, almost glowing in their unspoiled splendor. Sunlight, floating down from the great orb in the heavens, caressed the massive field like a giant hand stirring the surface of a still pond. It was the picture of perfect calm.

    Below the upper layer of swaying gold was the ground. It almost wreaked of the smells of earth and fertile topsoil. Unseen creatures beneath the dry surface relished the cool and pleasant dirt. However, there was one oddity within this realm of calm and tranquility that did not fit in. An anomaly in every sense of the word.

    Visions swirled about his head. A vicious hurricane beating upon his skull from the inside. He felt himself pressed against the cool, dry earth. Sensations of heat, light, and stillness washed over him, reawakening his senseless nerves and consciousness. Signals shot from his mind, through his synapses, and all around his body.

    Through his closed eyelids he could see something bright. The glowing orb appeared to illuminate the entire world. He was curious. He wanted to know. Above everything else, he needed to see and find out what was causing the nearly painful feeling beneath him. It took several tries, but soon after this mental resolution, his eyelids flickered open and he nearly had a heart attack from the explosion of light and color that flooded his senses.

    Shimmering gold, a vast, vivid blue, a rich, dark brown, a flash of fiery red were all that he could discern as his eyes painfully dilated in the harsh bright light. He instinctively lifted his arm to shield himself from the painfully strong glare, but was stopped when the limb twinged as if he had a pinched nerve. He hastily straightened his left arm and let out a cry of slight agony as he tried to work out the knot in his muscles.

    His back arched in pain as he dug his feet into the ground, hoping that the pain would soon subside. During this, only a small part of his mind registered that not all was normal about him. As the shooting throb in his arm slowly dulled, he became more conscious that something had changed. Something that was not supposed to change. Once again moving his feet, he tried to press them into the ground as he grasped at the dry earth in order to pull himself into a sitting position.

    His head spun madly as his brain had to adjust to the sudden change in alignment and blood flow. Both hands sprang to the sides of his skull as he cradled it while he rocked slowly back and forth on the ground. He wanted nothing more than the world to stop its breakneck rotation, but was only rewarded with a strong wave of nausea passing over him. His body lurched forward, and he was only barely able to hold himself up on his shaking arms as his stomach tried to clear itself of all previous contents.

    The bitter taste remained on his tongue as he once again tried to gather where he was as the earth slowly stopped swaying. He forced his lungs to take a deep breath in an attempt to concentrate. He continued to hold his head steady as the gyrations that revolved around his head faded into the aether. When he finally gained the fortitude to open his eyes once more, he blinked rapidly to counteract the bright ball in the sky that was shooting light down at him.

    He couldn’t remember ever seeing such a sight before. Nowhere in his foggy mind was the memory of a blue sky with this glowing circle that emitted heat in it. Deciding that the mystery of this strange object in the atmosphere was too much for him to deal with at the moment, he turned his attention to a mystery that was much closer proximity and perhaps of much more importance. Like how his arm was a deep crimson instead of whatever color it had been before.

    Curiosity got the better of his distorted senses, much like the unfortunate cat, as his gaze slowly traveled up his red scaled arm to rest on a hand fused with four claws that gleamed as polished bone in the daylight. He blinked again while he forced his legs to stand up next to the golden, swaying plants, Somewhere within his hazy mind, he knew this was wrong. That something was horribly wrong with him. That he shouldn’t be this way, yet he couldn’t prove it.

    Something about the seemingly new transformation seemed slightly off. The small part of his mind went into overdrive as his stare moved down his arm once again to his now-standing form. His chest, from the skin it possibly used to own, had changed to a coating of tawny beige scales that fused into a crimson coloring when it reached his legs and thighs. A quick feel of his head revealed it to have a large crest-like protrusion extending from the back of his skull.

    His feet had been pushed into some reptilian shape and had gained three thick claws made of the same substance as the ones on his hands. He was about to reach down and examine the changes when he felt something brush the ground as he moved. It was hard to describe, as he swore it was his own body, yet nothing in his memory served him as to what could cause such a thing. He twisted around, trying simultaneously to find some sort of mirror and to see what was causing the strange sensation behind him.

    Based upon the other seemingly shocking discoveries he had made in the last few seconds, seeing that he now had a tail fashioned from the same crimson and beige scales as the rest of his body. He was sure that the limb had not been a part of him before his recollection ceased, but he could not be certain. Though, the most alarming of the string of self-discoveries was that the very tip of the appendage was covered in a cheery orange flame that seemed to jump as he held the tail in his claws.

    “Not possible. This isn’t possible...” he mumbled as his mind tried to make sense of the scene. It was a futile attempt, for while he had tried to remain calm and collected, thoughts raged in his head at the irrationality of it all. His jaw unconsciously clenched as his arms shook with anger. He didn’t know anything. He remembered nothing. And he couldn’t stand it.

    “No. No! This. This isn’t possible! This isn’t me!” he shouted, even though his mind failed to produce any viable evidence that the statement had any sort of credence. He refused to accept that he was so helpless, that he was in the middle of some field in a body he had no idea whether it was his or not, or that there was nothing he could do about it. He had to do something. His eyes hastily scanned across the featureless dirt patch in search of a target. The form of his tail was the only thing that came up.

    Hissing and choosing to ignore the steam exiting the nostrils on his snout, he grabbed the fleshy limb and held it in front of him. He bypassed the strange and instinctual feelings that screamed for him to stop as he lifted his stumpy foot and stomped down on the flaming tip in an attempt to extinguish one of the unknown mysteries that plagued him.

    Within an instant, he was slammed with sensations of pure pain. Every nerve on his body activated and sent their most powerful signals to his brain, nearly overloading it with anguish. His body acted without his consent as his foot immediately jerked back from his tail, kneeing himself in the gut with the same action. He was already breathless from the initial pain, but the secondary input almost sent him to the ground again.

    Both his eyes squeezed shut in reaction to the wave of agony that shot through him. Though he could not see, in his mind’s eye the world spun violently and threatened to make his stomach heave. Breathless, he finally collapsed to his knees and fell forward on his arms, barely managing to hold his head above the ground. He spat and coughed as air slowly decided it was worthy of entering his mouth and lungs.

    Cautiously opening one eye, he saw that what he previously saw was no side-effect of a dream or nightmare. His body was still a strange reptilian form and his tail, his evil, treacherous tail, still lay behind him, the tip burning merrily once again, apparently forgetting that its owner tried to strangle it.

    “No... No-!.” His vocal cords cut out suddenly as they adjusted to being used after a slight atrophy. He clutched his claws to his throat, unintentionally piercing the scales coating his neck. It wasn’t the disbelief of his change in appearance that shocked him, but it was the fact that he could not remember. Memories, wayward thoughts, personal information went out the proverbial window the more he tried to recollect them. Snorting in frustration with the ineptitude of his mind currently, he let his legs fall underneath him as his hind hit the dry earth with a cloud of dust, and he ignored the shooting pain coming from his now-bent tail. Thoughts raced around in his head as if trying to put out the multiple fires that had suddenly blasted through it.

    What happened to me? Why am I here? Why can’t I remember? I need to focus... He thought as he tried to align his observations and muscle his way through the pain. He had scarcely woken up, yet he was fairly certain he was in a place he had never seen before even in his clouded memory. Closing his eyes from the bright light of the odd orb in the sky, he tried to sort through the utter chaos that was brewing inside his head. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as he dealt with the rocketing tangents of thought one by one.

    The first one his psyche threw at him was the question of his name. Not necessarily important in the grand scheme of things he reasoned quickly, but worth looking into for the future. He immediately began scraping at the distant, dark mountains that rose as a barricade to his past, in hopes that his measly scratches at pebbles would trigger an avalanche. He dug and dug and dug for several minutes that stretched on for an eternity before something finally surfaced in the form of an adult voice.

    He couldn’t make out the memory, except that it was definitely male. It sounded disappointed in something, but what it was eluded him. The very words the faraway voice spoke seemed disjointed and unintelligible. He would have passed them off as a pointless ramble if he hadn’t caught the final utterance of a name at the cessation of the monologue.

    “... Leo.”

    Leo. Leo. Leo. Leo, He mouthed with his changed jaws, testing out every aspect of the name with them.

    Not a bad name, but it’s nothing too exciting either, he mused while he lay on the ground. However dull the name might have been, it was all he had, so he went along with the three-lettered identification for himself.

    My name is Leo. My name is Leo. The more he said it, the more possessive he became over it until he could call it his own. He let his mouth stretch into a slight grin as he congratulated himself on solving the first mystery that his mind threw at him. Yet, he was not done.

    The secondary question that projected itself far above the others was of what he used to be. Certainty was not with him while he mulled over the newest question that came to him. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. On one side of his mind, it was shouting that something was very wrong with this scenario, but on the other, it was taking a hard neutral stance in failing to see why exactly he was worrying. There was nothing in his memories to prove that he was ever anything other than what he currently was --this oddly red-colored reptilian being.

    He slowly rocked to his feet, working out several of the remaining aches and pains in his stiff legs as he did so. He knew he needed to be conservative on this attempt of staying upright on his feet. While the neutral side of his mind claimed nothing was really wrong because it had no proof of anything otherwise, the other half screamed that there was proof.

    Since when does amnesia lead to forgetting major parts of your own body or how it functions? That isn’t natural! He nearly cringed at the loudness of the thought, but still paused to consider the claim it was making. There was a certain trueness that hung about the thought, lingering questions that challenged his tranquil demeanor.

    He knew next to nothing about amnesia or whatever dissociative fugue state he was currently experiencing, but he wanted to give his assertive mind some amount of trust with its stance. It stood to reason that he would remember the critical fact that he had a tail and an inseparable fire atop it, or that his skin was a near-blood color, or that he was some sort of lizard creature. He couldn’t even remember what his species was called. That drove the final nail in the neutral side’s fragile case.

    Leo, still training his mind to accept the name as his own, huffed with an air of finality and nodded. He decided to believe in the radical shouts coming from his pressured mind. He knew that he currently wasn’t normal. He had been something else before his memory had cut out, but what that something else happened to be, he didn’t know.

    “Come on Leo, think. Think. You have to think,” he told himself, exercising his rusty vocal cords at the same time. He wracked his mind as he thought back to the strange voice he had uncovered in his mental excavation earlier. Analyzing it as best he could, he determined that it indeed was some sort of adult male, but who it was still eluded his grasp.

    “Who is that? Who could be saying my name? How do I know them? How do they know me?” All valid questions, but nothing was forthcoming from the thick fog that obscured the path to his past memories.

    “Who is he? My father? A relative? A friend?” None of the answers he suggested triggered anything in his mind and he gave up the endeavor with a dejected sigh. As if sensing that his attention was currently unoccupied, his stomach let out a furious growl that startled him, making him jump slightly.

    Leo now realized that he was starving. His aching belly yearned for something to eat, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had ever eaten. Any thoughts of finding out clues to his past were pushed away as his body and mind immediately shifted all focus to finding some sort of food to fill his stomach.

    Taking another sweeping look across the clearing he was in, he saw nothing but a continuous wall of shimmering gold. He took a step forward on the brown dirt and listened to the crunch of dry dirt clods shattering beneath his feet. He vaguely wondered why he could not hear the rustling of the plants even though they were plainly swaying in some sort of unfelt wind. It was as if they obeyed some other laws of nature besides the regular ones Leo was accustomed to.

    Being cautious, Leo walked further in the clearing and found that several clear-cut paths branched out from the “room” he was in. He scratched the back of his head lightly, making sure not to cut his skin with his new claws. Leo wasn't sure which path he was going to take, but something on the ground forestalled his decision.

    It was subtle, barely a glimmer of dull blue in the dust, but it caught his attention. Leo bent down to examine the artifact, the sore tendons and muscles in his thighs and legs contracting as he did so. His claws grasped the top of the blue object, trying to dislodge it from its partial burial in the dirt.

    Leo grunted as he tugged at the handle until it broke free with a shower of earth and sent him tumbling backwards. He let out a pained yelp as he crushed his tail during the landing. In a feat of agility he never knew he possessed, he somehow flipped over and was on his feet in what felt like an instant in time. Almost instinctively, he was rubbing his smarting tail tenderly, going over the red-scaled surface while inspecting it carefully for bruises or dents. Fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any immediate injury, though that didn’t dull the sensation of pain that still emanated from every one of his nerves.

    He looked down at the spoils of his archeological efforts in his claw. The artifact was not what he was expecting to find in the middle of a wheat field. His gaze poured over the stunning icy-blue form of what appeared to be some sort of key. Leo had little knowledge in the art of cutting crystal, but he knew it must have taken some immense skill to slice this magnificent work from a single block of colored stone.

    He held it in his outstretched claws, dangling it from the thin golden chain that looped through it. The back was a single six-toothed gear perched atop of the carved stem that split into two separate parts, each with its own keyward at the point. Each facet of the key seemed to be marked with some sort of intricate lines along its surface, only adding more to the mystique of it all.

    As much as the object was a delight to his eyes, it did nothing to help Leo alleviate either of his problems of identity or starvation. However, that hardly meant he would leave it here to be found by someone other than himself. He didn’t quite know what “others” might be out there waiting for him, but he slipped the golden chain about his neck and grasped the cold key for courage. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the deep rumbling coming from his aching stomach, Leo stepped forward onto the rightmost path of the clearing.

    Immediately, his sight was obscured by the waving walls of wheat. He did what he could to brush the stalks out of the way, but it didn’t seem to do any good as his path was narrowed down to a corridor barely wide enough for him to pass. Leo held his tail to his chest, partly in fear of starting an inferno in the dry field, and partly because he was still trying to accept it as a part of himself.

    His body still seemed to be acclimating to moving about and functioning while conscious, meaning his legs stumbled and nearly collapsed on more than one occasion in the middle of the thin dirt trail. His lungs burned and stomach ached as Leo struggled to march through the field. The scorching heat of the great ball of light in the sky beat down on his shoulders.

    The key bounced lazily on his scaled-chest as he tromped over the fertile earth. Leo sighed as he tried to ignore the hunger growing in his stomach and continued to look for anything to break the monotonous gold and brown of the strange field. But, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Only the muffled stomp of his newly clawed feet on the dirt, his frustrated breath that went with the rhythm of his footsteps, the pained grumble of his stomach, and the slight clinking of his key.

    As the path continued to wind along, the more he sought to keep himself from falling into a boredom-induced madness. He tried to focus on organizing and digging more into his jumbled thoughts. During the endless minutes of his walk, Leo could not help but be pleased with how much of his previous knowledge he did manage to recover.

    Most elements that comprised the Periodic Table, the equations for finding out the velocity of a projectile and the length of its trajectory, the metabolic processes of a eukaryotic cell during an energy consumption cycle, the ability to find the solution for algebraic problems, and an surprisingly in-depth knowledge of the legal proceedings of a republican government structure. Leo cracked a smile with his dry lips. He was happy. As happy as he could be while still in his bleak situation, but genuinely happy for the first time he could remember. His mind hadn’t abandoned him completely. It might have stowed away his personal information out of his reach, but it didn’t leave him without some tools for survival.

    His stride was noticeably longer as he held himself slightly higher. His confidence rode the badly needed boost in his own abilities, and he continued to hold his smug grin as he pressed on into the field. Determination flashed in his eyes as he scanned through the sea of stalks for anything that looked even remotely like an exit. Smells of the earth and wheat stained his pointed snout and permeated his senses, making him aware of even the subtlest changes in his organic prison.

    His mind chose to wander back to the question of what he was, as he passed by a lone, roughly-shaped stone on the ground. He instinctively kicked it with his foot and it rolled ahead on the path, ready for him to come along and repeat the process. The oiled cogs of his brain whirred like clock-work as it viewed and reviewed the facts it had access to. He went back to the voice he remembered, the knowledge he dredged up from the depths of his memory, and the instinctual knowledge that he used to be something other than this fire-lizard thing.

    He closed his eyes and kept his tail above the wild grasses as he concentrated once again on settling this persistent matter for good. There wasn’t much to go over, admittedly. The same facts kept shoving themselves to the forefront in his mind’s eye, but that was it. There weren’t any apparent revelations or truths revealed, and the swagger in his step suffered a setback. Closing his eyes tighter was not helping the results any, so he reopened them and took another breath of stagnant, heat-polluted air.

    He looked up and had to shield his eyes with his claws from the rays of light coming from the bright ball in the sky. The sphere did not seem to have moved in the slightest, even though he was certain he had been walking for more than an hour. Leo shook his head, he knew he had to keep going, despite whatever strange laws of nature and physics governed this realm of eternal wheat.

    What am I? What was I? The question swirled around in his head in a whirlpool of neurons firing across their synaptic gaps. Leo stopped and sat on the ground beneath a bank of tall stalks of wheat. His body was exhausted, hungry, and very eager to take a small rest in the thin shade of the plants in the midday heat.

    Human. Leo shot up like a rocket. He had no idea whether the sudden word was a memory loudly breaking free of the shackles of his dissociative fugue, or a whisper into his ear from an unseen being. His body no longer felt the pangs and hurt of his experiences. He was primed by the swift realization.

    “Human... Human. I’m... Human? Is that what I am?” Leo slowly asked himself, processing the classification in his head. He wasn’t sure, much like everything else he had gone through today. It seemed just as plausible as anything, though something unnerved him at how quickly the answer came through. He never even got a chance to sit down before the word soared into his consciousness, or range of hearing, he still wasn’t sure which had detected it.

    “There has to be more to it than that. There has to be...” Leo muttered, but, as he had come to expect, there was no follow-up answer for him to pounce on. While this frustrated him to no end, causing him to grind his sharp teeth against each other and blow errant steam from his nose, Leo pushed back the desire to simply torch the field and burn himself a way out of the odd area.

    A fierce grumble broke the relative silence as Leo clutched his ravenous stomach snarling for something to eat. Like before, he had to force all thoughts of the impossible situation he was in to the back of his mind while he renewed his search for food. Despite seeming like a lush field, there was no sign that anyone had ever harvested the grain or been in the field aside from the perfectly cut maze he was wandering inside.

    He began to develop a grim pattern in his travels through the timeless field. Walk along the path, dig into his mind and try to discover more secrets, rest against the stalks when his feet could no longer carry him, hunger for food, continue his search. Walk, think, rest, hunger, search, walk. However, no matter how many times he repeated the process, nothing seemed to change. He still felt just as tired and hungry at the end of each rest, never getting any worse. The persistent heat from the odd glowing orb in the sky never waned or worsened, just remained an annoying inconvenience on his shoulders, The field just simply never changed.

    There was no wind, but the stalks, he observed, swayed as if there was something they felt but he could not. His memories may have been skewed, but Leo was certain there were supposed to be life other than wheat in a field. There was no care-free twitter of birds, no hum of insects, or even the rustling of an animal. There was nothing. Nothing except him, the plants, and the sky. And as he marched onwards, the looming cloud of despair that hung over him only grew larger and larger.

    “I’ve got to get out. I’ve got to get out of here...” he told himself, but his resolve was slipping. He didn’t know what he did to deserve this fate. This eternal cycle of hunger and exhaustion. Was this a punishment? A way for him to pay for his unknown transgressions? Leo didn’t know. He did not know. Nothing in his mind gave him an answer. After all he had found out, all he had organized and logically deduced, he was still trapped in this forsaken field. Nothing had changed.




    His legs still moved forward, but it was an unconscious movement, a habit programmed into him by the ceaseless paths. He had no idea how far he had come since he first woke up, but it hardly mattered. He might as well have continued to sleep where he was and never woken up. He would have never had to endure the sensation of his stomach trying to digest itself, or the pitiful attempts of foraging had brought upon him.

    Hunger had soon reached the point of torture. Leo wasn’t sure when it was, but he ended up pulling down some of the flexible stalks and picking off the nearly-ripe kernels and stuffing them into his mouth like a glutton. Despite his tongue’s warning about the bitter taste of the wheat, Leo forced himself to swallow the raw grains.

    Almost immediately, he was faced with the urge to throw it back up. It took an effort that made his lungs burn, but Leo managed to muscle through the reflex and get some sort of sustenance into his body. His stomach was slightly quelled after that, but it refused to be pleased about the poor variety it had to choose from, and continued to berate Leo for it. He had just about given up on finding anything by that point.

    Leo didn’t remember if he was a strong person, but couldn’t help the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He just wanted to leave. He was tired with following the maze. Leo huffed in defeat as he laid against the stalks, their rough exterior irritating, but no match for the scales on his back. Holding his limp tail in his hands, he idly waved his claws through the small flame spouting from it. A warm sensation spread from his hands up through his arms and comforted the distressed being.

    It was then that he saw it. A difference, a clear distinction, an anomaly in the golden walls of his prison. A flash of bright red in between the swaying reeds. Intrigued, Leo crawled forwards on his hands and knees to the opposite side of the path. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Even more so than the key he had pried from the dirt. An apple, red as his own skin, and looking ripe, lay on the ground just on the other side of the “wall”.

    It can’t be more than six feet wide, I could easily make it through there without igniting anything, his thoughts assured him as he clumsily got to his feet. The fruit was definitely there, not some cruel hallucination brought about by the kernels. He knew that nothing would stop him from getting it.

    He was trembling with excitement as he pushed his right arm through the stalks with the intention of pushing them aside to make a path. However, that notion was crushed and thrown away as his arm suddenly felt the air around it ripple and press on it. Without any warning, his arm was forced out of the grass with the force of a cannon and his fist slammed into his ribs. Leo stumbled backwards and held his chest. The hit hadn’t been too painful, just enough to knock the wind out of his lungs, but if anything his mind was the most jostled of all.

    “What? ... What the hell was that?” Leo tried to process just what had happened while he attempted to control his gasping lungs. He thought that transforming was the strangest part of his trek in this world, but this --an impassable wall of flimsy plants-- was on course to take the cake. Plants, as much as he recalled, were not supposed to be comprised of a magnetic field that repelled flesh.

    However, the laws of nature in this world seemed to disagree and the reeds seemed to laugh hollowly at him in their silent wind. Gritting his teeth, he stood up once again, brushed the dust off his body, and stuck his arm into the grass for the second time. Now, he was slightly more prepared for the sudden activation of the strange magnetic field around his flesh. His arm wobbled as pulses rained down on it, trying to force it back.

    Leo refused to allow himself to be beaten by a wall of plants. If he failed here, he was certain he’d never find a way out of here. This was his chance. He dug his feet into the dirt, feeling the earth scratch beneath his white claws as he plunged his left arm into the wheat. That proved to be a less than fortunate decision, as the odd energy field surrounding him seemed to double in strength and easily sent him barreling backwards onto the path.

    The reptile’s head spun as if it was caught on a haywire gear on a machine. Leo slowly untwisted his crumpled form on the ground, taking great care to remove his tail to open air before it suffered. Leo groaned as he slowly pushed his legs out and used his sore arms to get off the dungeon floor. His mind and will were bruised, but far from defeat, though, he wasn’t sure how much more his weakened and enfeebled body could take before it simply collapsed.

    Gathering what little courage he had left and sucking in a deep breath of putridly-hot air, Leo slammed his entire self into the wall, his feet scattering dirt and dust as he pushed against the repulsive field. Scathing curses and swears were unleashed from his mouth as he slowly drove a wedge in between the stalks of grain.

    The tranquil field seemed unwilling to let him go, and pushed against him with all its unnatural might. Leo screamed as he pushed back against the force field and sending the majority of his body into the grass. His mind wasted little effort in observing his surroundings, but he swore that the six feet of grain had lengthened to six miles once he was inside of it.

    Like the current of a rushing river, the energy beat against Leo’s face and chest initially. He swung his arms out to grasp a claw-full of stalk in order to pull himself completely inside. He felt his tail be engulfed by the wheat and immediately subjected to the same pulling force as the rest of him was. His tail brushed up against the stalks, and, while he dared not look behind him to be certain, he smelled the smoke and heard the slight crackle of something burning.

    The acrid emissions not only urged him to dig his heels in harder to escape a fiery death, but it also triggered a memory locked away in his head.

    He was on his back. Covered in sweat, cold, and weak. Smoke poured in from the world, attempting to smother him with its gray mass. His barely-functioning lungs failed, and he felt no more as the heat of the flames licked his sides.

    The flash of memory only lasted for a split second, but it felt real enough to throw his legs off balance and sent him crashing to the ground. He hit with the force of a bullet, and was instantly pinned underneath the weight of the pressure pressing down on his body. His arms and legs were immobile, stuck against the dry ground and unable to move an inch.

    His head was pressed awkwardly against the smashed remains of a pointed stem that dug into his cheek, and the cold crystal key was imprinting itself on the scales of his chest as the pressure increased on his body. His breaths grew more and more labored as he struggled to find the strength to lift his chest and open his mouth against the titanic force beating down on him.

    His mind was more than panicked as it simultaneously picked up growing traces of smoke from behind him and the threat of imminent death via either implosion or asphyxiation. His last reserves of energy were long gone by that point, and not even the emergency chemical signals his mind sent out could change that fact.

    His eyes were forced to close and he was certain that it would be the last time he would ever see the world. Leo took one final, rasping breath as he prayed to whatever forces governed this world for salvation. And apparently, one of the forces heard his inane gibberish and acted upon it for at the moment, the field snapped.

    The mass of hot, stale air about it seethed with terror as distinct cracks shot through its fabricated reality. Fissures ran through the sky as the clouds fell through like sand in an hourglass, spelling out the time of destruction. The wheat shrieked as a fierce wind shot through the forlorn glade, drenching the heated world in a bath of chilled air. Leo pushed his arms up the second the pressure faded. The ground heaved in the dungeon’s agony as Leo attempted to navigate the swaying, burning stalks to escape.

    Fire sprang forth from unseen angles as if hurled down from the sky by vengeful giants. The field seemed to hiss in pain as the kernels of wheat popped like miniature explosions. Leo was pelted with bits and pieces of flaming shrapnel from the shells as he dashed through the wheat. His tail only spread the fire more as he rushed past the dried grass, the flames jumping and catching onto it like a flea on a stray animal.

    Fissures opened in the once-calm soil. The world was trying to swallow him whole for his wrongdoings against the demonic force of nature. Leo ran faster than he thought possible on his shortened legs. Flames licked at his sides as if deciding which part of him to consume first. His claws became blurs in his sight as he swung and chopped aside the impeding, writhing grass that stood in his way. His lungs constricted and tried to expel the invading smoke, but failed to do so in the polluted air.

    The crunch of snapping grass beneath his feet was nothing compared to the splintering of reality happening just inches beyond his fleeing form. Leo sprinted over the wavering stalks and jumped a small dirt ridge. His steps nearly stumbled upon landing, but he remained true as he ran for his life from the collapsing field. Ovals of bright, shining blue appeared out of the corner of his eyes --gates leading to some unknown, terrible place-- for an instant before vanishing with a section of the world, leaving oddly shaped craters in their wake.

    Leo tried to keep a clear head as he breathed in mouthfuls of floating embers and ashes with every feeble attempt at alleviating his burning lungs. His vision was swaying from side to side more than his own body was, and he struggled to keep his balance amid the explosions and faults that rattled the earth under him.

    Flecks of dirt and burning material battered him from all sides, stinging his eyes and the fire on his tail, both causing him acute amounts of discomfort to combine with his starving belly, sore body, and fatigued mind. Just as he wondered when he was going to reach the exit, his body suddenly felt like it was combusted in a furnace from hell as his vision became nothing but bright, blinding blue.

    He was knocked to the ground and at once the world fell silent. Leo dared not move, in fear of causing another apocalypse. He only breathed slow, ashless breaths as he hugged the ground until the electricity numbing his body tapered off. Leo felt as if every nerve in his body was shaking in place, making his skin crawl uncomfortably. His mind was spinning far too fast for him to possibly make sense of what had just happened over the last twenty seconds.

    There was an earthquake ... In the air ... How? Much like before, asking questions only left him with more questions than before. Fortunately, the lightning seemed to find tasing his body to be distasteful and dissipated into the ground, leaving him with full control once again. Claws scraped against the dirt as he pushed against the force of gravity. Leo’s body was feeling the full effect of his battle against the barrier: his limbs felt as if they were going to pop off at any moment, his muscles were sore beyond belief, and he was certain that his head would never be clear again from the dizzy spell that held him firmly.

    His eyes fluttered open, blinking rapidly to dispel the dust and bright light breaching them. Sitting in with his legs clumsily crossed across his lap, Leo lacked the energy to do anything but look up at the vastly changing scene before him. The field, the once lush and golden prairie was withering like leaves of a sere tree. He was mesmerized by the transformation, at how the stalks and earth itself seemed to growl in pain as they crumbled into dust. Wind whipped through the area, creating a massive cyclone of plant ashes and soot above the perimeter of the demonic meadow.

    It was both beautiful and terrible. The young fire reptile was certain that the awesome image would be imprinted in his mind forever. The swirling mass of thick, ash-blackened clouds roiled in their skyward march, throwing lightning, and other astronomical phenomena down at the doomed plain. The fire raged as suddenly everything vanished. For a split instant, there was nothing, only white. Until the light in the sky returned and forced him to blink.

    When his sight was restored, Leo was slightly more than shocked to find that the world had changed while he was blinded. In an instant, the giant seething pillar of ashen cloud was replaced by a deep orange light traced with light blue and pink clouds. The smoke-ridden wheat field had inverted upon itself and returned to the golden, shimmering ocean it had been before its sudden conflagration. Everything was normal, yet, everything had changed.

    Leo was barely able to keep himself upright as he propped his shaking arm against the hard ground. While his attention was sought by the treasure of light in the sky, he found his sights set on the crimson skin of the apple laying on the earth, nestled in the roots of some long-dead tree. He wanted to lick his lips and lunge forward at the fruit, but his body had other opinions.

    The tingling sensation started in his legs, turning them into stone as his body seized up on him. His arms were unable to support the deadweight of his torso and slid forward, scraping up topsoil as they did so. He was unable to move, exhaustion rising up from its position from disgruntled soldier to become a cruel dictator over his actions.

    Leo’s body was paralyzed --a last ditch effort to keep him from exerting himself to death. His form went limp, arms and legs numb to the world even as his mind screamed for him to inch forward and seize his prize in the rich, red fruit. He was so close to it, he swore he could smell it with his unmoving nose. Anger coursed through his veins, unable to act upon his desires. Leo wanted nothing more than to let the twisted field alight again and slash away every last stalk until it was trampled into the dirt. As the dust settled on his unblinking eyes, Leo was distracted from his fuming rage by a noise he had not heard in his memory. Voices. Distorted by the distance.

    The far corner of his vision caught their sources and his eyes widened in surprise. He may have still been unsure of what he was and where he came from before his amnesia, but he was certain he had never seen anything like the two beings slowly approaching him across the dirt clearing.

    Floating dust pooled about the feet of an yellow and white furred fox while next to it walked some sort of mutated blue and black dog. His pulse quickened as they seemed to take notice of him, though he was unable to act on his screaming instincts to run away. His rapid breath began to hitch against his unmoving chest, bringing his fatigued body closer to complete shutdown. Against the will of his mind, his vision darkened as his eyelids slid down and closed shut.

    Leo knew this was the end of him as he floated in the empty void of his visionless consciousness. Those two creatures would eat him alive or something horrible like that and leave him for dead. He wished he still had the ability to curl his fists at the thought that he was going to die after he had fought his way through the hardships of the field.

    “... Did you see that?”

    “... shot right through the wall!”

    Their voices did not seem right. They sounded almost normal, not belonging to hell-creatures of this strange dimension.

    “... active the badge! We’ve got to get back!”

    No. It’s not possible. It can’t be possible. It can’t be.




    A single light burned against his bruised face. The man, the scarred, broken, demoralized man rested in his torment against the cold metal of the interrogation table. Blood trickled from his possibly broken nose onto the recycled steel platform and pooled under his mouth where it was agitated by his slow, heavy breaths as he drifted along the vague edge between nightmarish consciousness and blissful unconsciousness.

    A loud metallic click echoed throughout the room, followed by a slight whir of magnets as the chamber door slid open. His barely open eyes flinched at the sounds of the familiar clunking of military boots marched with the same strength their owner's fist used to smash his nose.

    The soldier's lightweight metal armor clanged against the table as the man only squeezed his eyes shut tighter as he hoped the world would disappear as an infant would mistakenly believe.

    "Douglas Strickland. Poor, poor Douglas. Is he too tired to answer any more of my questions?" Doug gritted his bruised jaw as he endured the woman's mocking insult.

    He wasn't sure how long he had been out, but he remembered Henry shaking him awake in a holding cell in the impromptu military barracks near the wastelands outside of the Pewter industrial complex. His head throbbed like a metal foundry as he was then dragged away by a helmeted soldier to this dim interrogation room. A metal-coated glove suddenly embraced his throat, its chilled surface snatching the breath away from his exhausted lungs mid-breath.

    “Answer me, Dr. Strickland. You’re done with this interrogation when I say you are. Now, traitor,” She placed considerable pressure on her grip. Doug futilely clawed at her impervious hand like a dog chained to a post as he gurgled and wheezed for air. In his struggle, he saw a wicked smile spread across her strict face. A single strand of her brunette hair --a genetic rarity among the population-- fell from the tight bun she had on the top of her head. The only imperfection he saw on her cruel face.

    “Where are Senators Readly and Few? They were airlifted to Celestial Range during the capitol siege. We saw it on our scanners, so don’t deny it. I’m going to give you three seconds of air before I go back to crushing your throat. Use them wisely.” Hardly a muscle in her face moved aside from her taut jaw as she loosened her iron hold around his windpipe enough for him to suck in a breath. His lungs were burning like the facility he recently escaped, but he knew he had to answer the woman otherwise he’d never survive.

    “They ... Evacuated ... Location ... Secret from me...” he reported in between pained gasps. That much was technically true. While he had the clearance to be given the info, he had simply been too occupied with his assignment with the boy to act on it. He was thankfully, unintentionally ignorant. Unfortunately for his continued use of oxygen, the officer did not seem to like his answer very much as he felt her steel-plated fingers dig into the fleshy portions of his neck.

    “Wrong answer, Douglas. Let’s see how you handle a bit of force behind my tactics.” With that, she leaned over the table, pulled up on his neck, and swung her free fist deep into his now-straightened chest. Doug’s world split into fragments as light and darkness alternatively battled for his vision. Guttural noises escaped from his mouth as his body convulsed against her hand. He felt as if his insides were on fire, his ribs and lungs being consumed by the inferno.

    She let go for an instant, enough for him to inhale a fraction of a breath before she closed off his throat once again. Her jaw was beginning to loosen into an even more sinister smile as several strands of her hair broke free of her bun to dangle limply on her flawless, emotionless face. Doug could only brace with whatever was left of his will as she drew her fist back again.

    His eyes closed in preparation of the end. The researcher was content. He had succeeded in the basics of his mission and had escaped death’s claws against the stacked odds. To die here would be immensely damning to his moral, but it beat sudden total conflagration or withering away under raining clouds of radiation. This would be a different way to go. It would be under the premise of a war not seen since the First Days.

    Except the devastating punch never collided with his torso.

    “What? Sir? Are you sure? ... Of course, sir. Not an issue.” Doug managed a quick glance at her face as she switched off the communicator built into her suit. That instant she let go of his neck completely, letting his weak body drop to the table like a stone. His chest shuddered as he sucked in as much precious oxygen as he could as he tried to move his shaking hands against their restraints.

    Silence fell over the room like a smothering wave as if the woman was waiting for a sign to continue. Faintly through the walls, the sounds of yelling and distinct plasma discharges entered his ears. His heart dropped in his wheezing chest as he knew exactly what was happening. His fears were only confirmed as he heard the sound of a button unclasping and metal sliding on metal.

    Far away, the whir of mechanical doors graced his ears, but found it increasingly useless to keep paying attention. A small click echoed through the chamber as she drew her weapon on him. It was like the others he had seen on the bodies of the soldiers in the facility: grey, lightweight, functional, and lethal. About as purposeful as a weapon could get.

    She raised the gun to be level with his head, both of her powerful arms gripping it tightly. He stared straight down the barrel, its personal abyss telling him to be unafraid and jump into its depths. Her fingers rested for a moment on the handle before jumping around the trigger. Doug drew a deep breath, savoring the air as it passed through his crushed nostrils and filled his bruised lungs. He drew his chained hands close to his bowed head in a final prayer. He heard a door open. He heard a trigger click. Then, the discharge.

    He heard a body slump, metal striking against metal, and a secondary discharge. The smell of burning flesh hit his nose like the woman’s fist. He opened his eyes and raised his disheveled head. Standing in the doorway was his savior, still holding the smoking gun in his wrinkled hands. A slight grin etched its way across his exhausted face as he pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.

    “This is number eight, Doug. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

    Yes. We’ll leave this place behind. Just like he left...



    End Chapter One v2



    Author’s Notes: Well then. That didn’t take nearly as long as I thought it would.

    So this is it. The long-advertised rewrite of Chapter One, now to my satisfaction. I managed to keep most of the events in the original the same, and changed a few things to reflect a newer plot and my writing skills, which have grown considerably since the first iteration of the chapter.

    I chose to reflect a lot more on Leo’s development as a character and his thought processes as he first wakes up. I also took some liberties with how a dungeon reacts when someone doesn’t play by its rules, but I think it turned out well.
    And, finally, I vastly extended and retconned Doug’s scene. Now, that is to reflect a vastly changed plot, and to give a character that I really like an ending he deserves more than he previously had.

    I do hope you all enjoy it.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 27th October 2013 at 9:48 PM. Reason: Rewrite

  12. #12
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    Alright, Chapter 1! Forst off, I'd like to congratulate you once again on a very visual story. The opening featuring Leo adjusting to his surroundings and new body worked really well.

    I think Leo must be something of a Determinator, if he's willing to push his way through a reverse-black hole of a wheat field. I must also say, I like that the Mystery Dungeon you chose to begin the story with was outdoors. I think it contrasts his isolation up better than a cave would- he's completely alone, but you wouldn't get that impression based on the setting.

    In addition, nice bit of closure with Doug at the end.

    Over all, a solid chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one!

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
    Most Recent Chapter- Several weeks after they arrive at Star Peak, Chance alerts Team Jump to a Darkrai Shard in the area.

    Interested in a blog that reviews the Pokémon products of the past and present? Have a look at http://tompokenutter.wordpress.com/ !
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    Ask the cast of Redemption anything you like!


  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Alright, Chapter 1! Forst off, I'd like to congratulate you once again on a very visual story. The opening featuring Leo adjusting to his surroundings and new body worked really well.
    Thanks, I tried hard to make his first day's struggle in the Pokeworld miserable, for his own good of course.


    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    I think Leo must be something of a Determinator, if he's willing to push his way through a reverse-black hole of a wheat field. I must also say, I like that the Mystery Dungeon you chose to begin the story with was outdoors. I think it contrasts his isolation up better than a cave would- he's completely alone, but you wouldn't get that impression based on the setting.
    That was one of the points I wanted to get across: that he has no allies in this strange world. And that mystery dungeon is sorta strange as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    In addition, nice bit of closure with Doug at the end.

    Over all, a solid chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one!
    I knew I couldn't just leave his story hanging like that. I liked writting him and Henry so I felt they deserved an ending.

    Thank you again, I'm glad that this chapter went over well.

    And to all other readers: don't be afraid to leave a review, or even a post saying "this is great!" or something like that.

    Chapter 2 is being written as I post this.

    Knightfall signing off...

  14. #14
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    Well well well.... Really great story, love the description and the atmosphere of it.

    Now is he a charmeleon? You said he had a horn coming out the back of his head, and if so...NIIICE touch, not being a first evolution would be awesome.

    Also I have to thank you for your reccommendatons on good fanfics, haven't let me down yet.


    About spelling mistakes.... you have quite a few but if you read it out loud you should find them, I'd quote them but I'm using a 3ds and it would be a lot of work to do so. However they aren't so bad they detract from the story so don't worry about it too much.


    Only bad thing is that I'm impatient and can't wait for more. Keep up the awesome work.
    Last edited by Azurus; 12th March 2012 at 2:38 AM.

  15. #15
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    Thank you for posting!

    As for your questions. Yes, he is a Charmeleon. I tried to make this fic differ from alot of the others.

    I'm currently on vacation so I can't edit at the moment, but thank you again for posting.

    Knightfall signing off...

    Edit: And you're welcome for the fan fic list. Glad it helped
    Last edited by Knightfall; 13th March 2012 at 12:25 AM.

  16. #16
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    Hey, Knightfall! This looks like a decent story you have here.

    First off, the issues. The main problem is that it seems you have your commas and semicolons mixed up. It's a real hard thing for me to explain, though. Are you using a word processor? Usually they catch these things. Analyzing your sentences closely, knowing what components go where, and knowing what a sentence should look like will help you as well.

    A very minor thing is also indicating a character's direct thoughts with italics. I don't believe it's a required thing, but could make reading a tad bit easier.

    One small error in the paragraphing: when Leo shouted about how he was either going to make it through the field or die trying, you put the "he said" one line below the dialogue, also making the "he" capitalized.

    Those are the only negative aspects, which should be easily fixed. Now for the perks.

    Your style of paragraphing is not only different, but thinking outside of the box. This almost looks like an epic poem such as Beowulf. You go into great detail, all the while keeping everything in short slices that are aesthetically pleasing. Because of this fascinating style, many parts in this which would normally be considered mistakes are rendered null and void. I tip my hat to you on this.

    Another unique aspect is beginning this with not only a human world, but an escape from a world at war through an elaborate test featuring a somewhat sarcastic computer. Quite an intriguing way to begin this adventure.

    By the way, I love how Leo is going to get himself in trouble with the various Mystery Dungeons. As if attempting to go through the reverse black hole wasn't enough, wait until he comes across an enemy... *snickers*

    Before he blacked out, were those two Pokémon he saw the hero and partner in PMD2?

    Overall, I believe this is the beginning of something excellent. I look forward to future chapters full of Leo and his special Leo-ness.
    ~Fact of the Whenever~
    Life gives you lemons because a large portion of humanity wasn't thankful for the grapes it already had. Please treat all fruit with respect.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    First off, the issues. The main problem is that it seems you have your commas and semicolons mixed up.
    All right, I'll try and watch more closely for those errors.
    I use Microsoft Word 2003, it usually catches the basic mistakes, but I guess its not perfect. Like I said, I'll look through the chapters more closely from now on.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    A very minor thing is also indicating a character's direct thoughts with italics. I don't believe it's a required thing, but could make reading a tad bit easier.
    I knew that there was something I should have done, I'll edit that as soon as I'm done here. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    One small error in the paragraphing: when Leo shouted about how he was either going to make it through the field or die trying, you put the "he said" one line below the dialogue, also making the "he" capitalized.
    Got it. Will be fixed as soon as I'm done.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Those are the only negative aspects, which should be easily fixed. Now for the perks.
    My favorite part of a review.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Your style of paragraphing is not only different, but thinking outside of the box. This almost looks like an epic poem such as Beowulf. You go into great detail, all the while keeping everything in short slices that are aesthetically pleasing. Because of this fascinating style, many parts in this which would normally be considered mistakes are rendered null and void. I tip my hat to you on this.
    Why thank you. I tried my best to make it seem unique from all the other Mystery Dungeon fics out there. It seemed necessary to do so.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Another unique aspect is beginning this with not only a human world, but an escape from a world at war through an elaborate test featuring a somewhat sarcastic computer. Quite an intriguing way to begin this adventure.
    Thank you again, you wouldn't believe how long it took to work out how I would do the Prolouge. Those events will eventually play a major part in the story, so don't forget about them quite yet.

        Spoiler:- Spoiler:


    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    By the way, I love how Leo is going to get himself in trouble with the various Mystery Dungeons. As if attempting to go through the reverse black hole wasn't enough, wait until he comes across an enemy... *snickers*
    Oh, I have some very interesting ideas for when it comes to that. Let's just say he was a lot to find out before he can successfully survive in this world.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Before he blacked out, were those two Pokémon he saw the hero and partner in PMD2?
    No they aren't. They are my own characters, but the two Pokemon in question might make an apperence later on. Just an apperence though.

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovedragonites View Post
    Overall, I believe this is the beginning of something excellent. I look forward to future chapters full of Leo and his special Leo-ness.
    Thank you. Future chapters will be posted as soon as I can plan, write, and give them a complete editing to avoid errors. Which means hopefully one or two every month, give or take.

    Thank you Wrym, I need more reviews like these. And now to do some editing.

    Edit: Mistakes have been, for the most part, corrected. Again, thank you Wrym for pointing them out.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 26th March 2012 at 2:10 AM.

  18. #18
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    A great job as always! Interesting how you briefly moved back in the end to Doug. I'm guessing that Leo is a Charmeleon? Anyways, a brilliant chapter. Can't wait for No. 2!
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    Thank you! I always like positive responces from the audience.
    To answer your question, yes he is a Charmeleon.
    It's a different choice for a main character, but I think it will work.

    As for Doug, I couldn't leave his story unfinished, in all my rewrites of the Prologue, he grew into one of my favorite characters.
    I felt that everyone needed to know that he's still alive.

    Anyways, as for Chapter Two, it's coming along nicely. It's not quite done yet, and there is still the editing process, but it should be up fairly soon. Maybe next week if I'm lucky. (The current chapter progress is in my sig)

    Thank you again,

    Knightfall signing off...

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    This is great.
    If there is a pm list please add me to it.
    I like leo. But I want to know moree about the human world. What the heck is goin on.
    Who were those guys.
    END REVIEW
    Last edited by Rotomknight; 18th April 2012 at 5:26 PM.
    They say if you press cntrl and W you get to see the programming of a website after making a signature with 3 ws and 8qs
    Fanfics I like that are still in production: Author's Run, Pokémon emerald the better version

    This the aquabats song awesome forces:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx4sL0w3SHM
    and here is their song shark fighter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wchrctxFo

    I NEED A BETA READER!
    Check out my fic.
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...2#post14945242

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    That...Was...Amazing. * applaude*

  22. #22
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    Chapter Two: A Slight Discrepancy


    “…For their greed, they were stripped of their wealth.
    For their misuse of knowledge, they were sentenced to live lives of ignorance.
    For their most heinous of crimes they committed under the light of the sun, they were condemned to a world of darkness.
    Never to see the true light of the sun again.
    For the war they fought, for the blood they shed, for the lives they destroyed, for the land they soiled, for the balance they usurped, for the peace they shattered, for the world they tore apart, they were banished.
    Banished by the gods from this world, forever imprisoned behind a Seal created by the gods.
    Exiled, for eternity.”

    Excerpt from the manuscript, Legend of the Great War.
    Courtesy the Trinity Isle Research and Archives facility. (T.I.R.A)



    Leo had realized that this was a playback of his forgotten life, a dream of sorts; mostly because he never remembered waking up from when he passed out.
    A flash-back; somehow dredged up from the bottomless abyss that held his past life.

    He stood-- well, it was more like observing from above, like a phantom. He watched from a short distance as a group of figures ran down a narrow metal catwalk inside some sort of darkened concrete building.
    He could see himself, as a human. He couldn't remember his face, but he knew it was him. The other adults were unrecognizable though.

    He was running-- clarification-- his human self was running. From what his other self was running from, he’s not entirely sure.

    He heard the sounds of their shoes click on the metal catwalk as his human self followed the adult figures in front of him. Leo saw that his human self wanted to catch his breath, but he knew he couldn't; he has to keep up with the others.

    As to reaffirm his other self’s unknown reason for not stopping, Leo heard an explosion. The blast was muffled by the concrete walls of this building, but it didn’t stop the acrid smell of smoke and burning furniture from reaching Leo’s phantom nose.

    His human self ran even faster, propelled by fear.
    Suddenly one of the figures in the front of the group opened a metal door, light poured in from the outside. Leo felt himself blink as the bright light made the dark hallway visible.

    From his outsider viewpoint Leo was amazed at what some of the figures looked like.
    A couple of the adults, comprised of both men and women were dressed in formal black business suits that where soaked in sweat and had more wrinkles and tears than a tailor could ever hope to fix.
    Aside from these “official” people, the few others were clothed in some sort of strange armor and helmets. Each of these armored people was gripping some sort of black handheld machine, their faces set with an unreadable look that betrayed no emotions or fear.

    He looked at his human self with an air of detachment; he couldn’t believe that he originally was one of them; it seemed so sort of unreal.
    His human self also looked at of place with the adults; wearing only a simple T-shirt and jeans.

    As if opening the door triggered some sort of signal the men in the armor sprung into action. Clutching the black devices with both hands they rushed out of the door, followed quickly by his dream self and the others.
    Leo couldn’t move as his other self ran out into the bright light of whatever was outside.

    Suddenly there was a sharp cracking of thunder, lots of it, coming from directly outside the open door in short rapid bursts. He heard yelling, the roar of the thunder blasts grew louder and more rapid.
    Than everything was enveloped in the bright light; the light had all but blinded him, but his hearing remained intact.

    He doubled over as the sounds amplified themselves louder; he covered his ears with his claws in a vain attempt to block out the ear shattering noise.
    Just as he thought his head was going to burst from the noise, he awoke with a start.

    Gasping for air, he looked around at the room he was in. He was laying on a pitiful excuse for a bed-a small circle of damp straw- in the middle of a stone walled chamber. There was only a single heavy wooden door and it didn’t have a handle. The only source of light aside from his torch of a tail was a small glowing crystal fixture on the ceiling.

    Leo’s pulse quickened, where am I?
    He quickly got to his feet, and than almost instantly was broadsided with a dizzy spell. His body stumbled and he found himself holding onto the cool stone wall for support.

    The gnawing pain of hunger he felt from before had decided to rear its ugly head once more.
    His stomach decided it was the right time to remind him of its existence and the fact that it hadn’t been filled in recent memory.
    He was about to slide down the wall to the floor in defeat when his eyes caught a flash of metal.

    He slowly turned his head to face the source of the glint as not to provoke another dizzy spell. It was a small metal plate; however it wasn’t this that had Leo’s attention.
    It was the two small red apples that rested on the platter.

    He willed the little energy his body had left into the form of a clumsy dive. The rough slide across the stone floor didn’t seem to hurt as much thanks to his new scaly skin.

    His sharp teeth made short work the soft apple flesh; he tore through both of the fruits with lightning speed. He tried to savor the juicy flavor. As he finished the fruit, he attempted to jog his memory as to when he had last enjoyed them.
    He couldn’t, and he again cursed his amnesia.

    Licking his lips, Leo finally felt almost happy, despite his shortfall recollecting his memory. He tossed the two apple cores back onto the plate.
    He wasn’t completely full, he was still in some sort of prison, and he was suddenly feeling very drowsy.
    His breathing slowed, his eye lids suddenly became heavy, and soon he found himself laying on a slightly damp pile of straw on the floor.

    Why am I sleepy? I just woke up, didn’t I? Leo tried to reason, but his mind also was getting sluggish, I should be trying to find- he let loose an involuntary yawn-a way out...of…here….

    And with that last thought, he drifted off to a sleep. Thankfully this time there were no dreams he was forced to watch.



    Leo woke to the screeching of the door to his cell opening.
    As he groggily sat up, two things happened at once.

    The first being that what looked like two metal spheres with magnets attached to their sides floated into the room.
    The second being that the metal sphere things talked.

    “BZZZT! Looks like he’s awake. Finally. BZZZT!”

    Leo could only stare as one of the spheres zoomed close to his face. This caused Leo to franticly claw his way backwards, only to have a wall crash into the back of his head.

    Leo winched in pain and tenderly rubbed the back of his scalp- still noting the fact that he now had a horn.
    However this made the two magnetic abominations burst into fits of what Leo could only assume was laughter. All he could hear was the sound of harsh static and metallic screeches coming from the two guards.

    Wanting to preserve some of his dignity, Leo quickly got to his feet and angrily swiped his claw at one of the spheres. He was rewarded with a hit, even if it only made the sphere bob slightly in the air.

    That said sphere returned the favor with a small burst of electricity from his magnet appendages aimed at Leo.
    The voltage wasn’t enough to permanently harm him; the Magnemite wasn’t stupid and he needed this job.

    Leo felt like his body was on fire, yet he stood up and faced the twin guards with a look of pure repressed anger.

    “BZZZT! Don’t look at us like that! BZZZT!” the first sphere shouted, his higher tones sounding like an out of tune microphone.

    “BZZZT! Yeah, you kind of deserved it for making us work overtime. If it wasn’t for you, we’d probably be back at the Hub recharging by now. BZZZT!” the second sphere continued the first’s rant.

    Leo didn’t respond, he only focused more of his anger into his glare, maybe if I concentrate hard enough they’ll both explode. Who knows what I can do in this body?

    They didn’t explode, much to his dismay. They did however shackle both of his wrists together with some sort of magnet chain, and tried to lead him out of the room to somewhere else in the underground building.

    The word “tried” meaning they attempted to walk him out of his cell, but after being thrown in prison, drugged, bruised, laughed at, and shocked, Leo wasn’t in the mood for compliance.

    “ZT! Stop resisting! Our chief wants to talk with you. ZZT!” one of the guards groaned.

    Leo simply dragged his feet on the packed dirt floor, a procedure which worked well now that he had claws. Not impressed with his little show of defiance, the guards continued prodding him with small electric zaps while muttering about his species stubbornness.

    At last they had arrived at their destination, a small room cut from the stone. Inside as only a wooden table and a small chair made of the same substance.

    The guards entered with Leo and instructed him to sit down. He carefully made sure his tail wasn’t in the way before completing the action while the guards waited.

    A short time later another creature much like the guards floated through the doorway.
    It was a much bigger identical form of the guards and had an air of authority as it started talking to the guards.
    The guards reported on the recent events to the, what Leo would assume was their chief officer.
    They were being very secretive about it, talking in hushed tones; it wasn’t like Leo could glean any information from their conversation even if he wanted to. They were talking in a series of beeps and tones, a language that most sentient beings not acquainted with radio signals wouldn’t understand.

    As soon as they were finished giving their version of the report, the officer turned to look at Leo.
    Leo gave a weak wave to the one eyed creature, careful to let him see the small blackened areas on his scales from when they had zapped him.

    The ovular magnetic creature suddenly shouted at the guards in a language that sounded like the unholy combination of metallic screeches, high pitched static, Morse code, and other unpleasant mechanical noises that threatened to make Leo’s ears bleed.

    This sudden outburst made the both of the guards zoom out of the room in sheer terror. The larger creature than aimed one of his magnet hands at the metal door and pulled it shut with a magnetic pulse.

    While Leo stared in mixed awe of the creature, it floated over to the opposite side of the table and started to talk.

    “Let me be the first to apologize for their behavior, I had absolutely no idea of their actions. BZZZT! They were acting completely out of the orders I gave them. BZZZT! I specifically told them to escort you to this chamber, and not to damage you in the process!” He buzzed angrily as his apology came to an end.

    “It’s alright; I’ll be fine in no time.” Leo responded with forced cheerfulness, but he couldn’t hide his look of utter confusion and hatred of the guards from the creature.

    “Ah. You’re wondering why you’re here, aren’t you? BZZZT!” he asked knowingly, as Leo nodded, affirming his answer.

    “You were brought here two days ago suffering from severe malnutrition and sleep deprivation as a side affect of your time in Tranquility Fields. That’s why we had to coat your meal with sleep seed extract, by the way. BZZT!”

    Wait, two days? How long was I out? Where exactly was I? Surprisingly, the only part of what he said that made any sense to Leo was why he was drugged.

    “BZZZZT! I know you’re wondering why you’re here, being interrogated by me to be more specific, aren’t you? BZZZT!” Leo had no idea that the officer was able to read minds. He gave him a silent look that said, “No, I want to know why the sky is blue”.

    Apparently not seeing Leo’s glare, the officer continued,
    “BZZZT! I haven’t seen you around here before so I’ll introduce myself. My name is Auxiliary Gear Magnezone; you may call me Officer Gear; I’m in charge of Loyalty Square’s prison. BZZZT! I’ve been in charge of this prison for te-”

    “Why am I in prison in the first place?” Leo suddenly interrupted; irritated with the lack of real answers and abuse he was receiving in this place.

    The creature, Officer Gear, was silent for a moment; the only sound in the chamber came from the faint sounds of the surface world above and the quiet whirring noise that accompanied the Magnezone’s constantly turning magnets.

    “BZT! You want to know why you are here? You are here because the rescue team that found you passed out in front of the Fields was required to bring you here by law. BzzzzT! No one is allowed near the Fields without permission. No one. You’re guilty of trespassing. BzZt! That’s why you’re here! Don’t act like you don’t know; everyone without a death wish knows to stay away from the Fields! bZZttT!” Gear shouted, the mechanism that controlled his voice failing to remove the static tones in his speech.

    Leo wasn’t expecting that, he’d been through a lot the past couple days, but he wasn’t expecting to be yelled at; much less charged with a crime.

    He stood up, nearly knocking the chair over in the process. He leaned over the table and got close to Gear’s single red eye.

    “Listen, I woke up in the middle of that field with no idea of who I was, or how I got there, much less that I was committing a crime. I was concerned with finding a way out of that place, and eventually I did. I don’t really care for your rules about trespassing. I just want to leave, now.” he said the last word with such iciness it surprised him.
    It wasn’t the only thing to surprise him; Leo swore he saw actual steam exiting his nostrils as he ended his rant

    It felt good to let that built up rage out, he hadn’t had much of a chance to let it out earlier. He knew that he’d have to face some sort of punishment for talking back to the officer, but it felt great to finally get it off his chest and stand up for himself.

    After what seemed an eternity, or maybe it was just a couple of seconds, Gear spoke.

    “BZZZT! You got guts, Charmeleon, and a temper to match. Tell you what, you deserve to know what’s going on, and I’ll tell you. BZZZT! As long as you tell me what I need to know, alright? Seem fair? ZT!”

    Leo wasn’t to keen to take his offer, but took a mental note on what exactly he had turned into, a Charmeleon is it? Strange name for whatever I am .
    He slowly nodded, hoping that he could answer the officer’s questions. Otherwise, he could be here for a while.

    “ZZZT! Good. Now, you claim you have no idea who you are or how you got inside the dungeon known as Tranquility Fields. Could you please explain what happened? BZT!”

    Leo shifted in the chair, “I don’t know exactly what happened myself, I’m not sure how I could possibly explain it to you. I have no ide-” Leo began to say, before Gear interrupted.

    “ZZT! Just tell me to the best of your ability, alright? ZT!” Gear told Leo, getting slightly irritated with him.

    So began Leo’s most uncomfortable experience in this new world yet.
    He went over every detail in his escapade from when he first woke up to when he last blacked out, even including his loss of memory and how he escaped through the barrier leaving nothing out of the narrative.
    Except for his memories of being a human that is; he decided it was best to leave that little detail out of his story until he knew a lot more about what was going on.

    When he finally finished his tale, Gear said nothing for a few minutes; his mind processing and going over every aspect of what was just told to him.

    “BZZZT! You’ve got to be the strangest Pokemon I’ve ever had to interrogate, and I’ve run this prison for ten years. You’ve just made my job slightly easier, if anything. They’ll never believe this down at the Federation. BZZZT!” Gear laughed loudly.

    Not knowing what Gear meant by the comment, Leo decided to speak.

    “Remember your part of the deal; now please tell me what I want to know. Officer.” he asked, quickly adding the last word to the end.

    Gear glared at him, his single red eye glowing with slight irritation. At long last he said, “So I did. And now I know why what you want to ask, and the answer, simply, is the Fields are dangerous.”

    Not stopping even for Leo’s confusion, he continued,
    “The dungeon you came out of is off limits to everyone. BZZZT!
    Even after the Restoration of Time, the dungeon never recovered from the effects of the Crisis. It turned into a black hole of sorts, anyone who went in was never heard from again. ZzzT!”
    Gear stopped his explanation suddenly, and grew quiet for a moment. To Leo it was if he was reminded of those he had known who didn’t return from those fields.
    He also gave a thought to the terms Gear had mentioned, Federation? Crisis? Restoration of Time? Obviously they are important, but I have no idea what they are. He made a quick note to eventually find out what these events were.

    Gear’s words also brought up an eerie thought; back in the Fields, what if I couldn’t break through the barrier?
    Leo shuddered at the grim possibilities of what might have happened.

    As Leo was processing his own thoughts, Gear found his voice again.

    “The Federation called off the rescue efforts and erased Tranquility Fields from its maps. They gave us orders to guard the entrances and to punish those who got too close. That’s why you’re here, because technically you crossed the boundary, and the law states you must face the consequences.”

    Leo tensed, he wasn’t sure what made up the punishment in this world, but he didn’t want to find out anytime soon.

    “Fortunately for you, the odd circumstances of your escape will be enough to simply write this off as an unusual incident. Mostly because- to the extent of your knowledge- you never went into the Fields, you only came out of them. BZZZT!” Gear explained, much to Leo’s relief.

    His claws slowly released from the wooden seat of the chair, as he processed the officer’s about-face in punishing him.
    I’m getting out of this place, finally, out…

    The Magnezone continued speaking,
    “Sorry about imprisoning you and all that.
    But procedure must be followed; otherwise there’d be no order, so to ensure order we had to at least question you on your little “adventure’ in Tranquility Fields. BZZZT!
    Please understand why we had to do what we did.” and with that statement Gear used a radio tone to signal one of the Magnemite guards to enter the room.

    The guard was not one of the guards from earlier, much to Leo’s satisfaction. If he ever got his hands on either one of them again, they would be the ones on the ground in pain, not him.

    Returning to this guard, he was carrying a metal crate with his twin magnets. He gently set the crate down on the wooden interrogation table and with Gear’s nod of dismissal; he floated out of the room.

    Gear hovered slightly higher off the ground and reached inside the crate. He pulled out a folded wad of paper pinched in his magnet-like appendage.
    He placed the folded paper on the table and gave it a push.

    It slid across the rough wooden surface, stopping right in front of Leo.

    Leo carefully unfolded it, and laid the flattened document on the table. It had no words or letters at all, only some sort of code printed on the entirety of it; various couplings of dots and dashes made up the print on the paper.
    Either way, Leo had no way of reading it, much less any idea of language what it was.

    Fortunately, Gear chose at that time to provide an answer.
    “BZZZT! That is your ticket out of this place, please don’t lose it.”

    Leo stared up at the oversized floating magnet with a look of suspicion. He didn’t believe that he’d be given permission to leave this easily.

    Gear couldn’t read minds, but he could read Leo’s look of disbelief as clearly as a book.

    “You can leave, if that is what your question is. We no further need for your presence here; you have been cleared of the charges against you. ZTT!” he explained as he motioned toward the door of the chamber, opening it with a magnetic pulse.

    “So were do I go now?” Leo asked uncertainly, he didn’t want to get lost in this maze of a prison by accident.

    Gear pondered his question over for a moment.
    How hard can it be to tell me the way out your own prison? Leo thought as Gear’s lack of answering stretched on.

    When Gear finally spoke up, Leo was about to fall asleep, his head pressed against the table.

    “BZZZT! Well, I’m not sure exactly what you should do next. Until you recover from your amnesia, you can’t exactly go off on your own, can you? BZZZT! I guess I can talk to the Guild and see if you can stay there for a few days…” he trailed off suddenly; an idea just hit him.

    Leo sighed and put his head down again, this wasn’t what he meant by his question, he just wanted directions out of here, but he took mental notes of the places he mentioned.

    It was only a few seconds this time before Gear started speaking again,

    “BZZZT! In fact, I might not need to trouble the Guild with you after all. Please wait a moment.”
    As he finished Gear suddenly emitted a series of beeps and tones. Almost instantly another guard zoomed through the open door and into the room. He hovered over to Gear and handed him a blank piece of paper.

    Gear silently dismissed the guard and laid the paper on the table in front of him. Without warning his right magnet started spinning, generating sparks of electricity as it spun faster.

    Than Gear aimed the electricity, in a single, thin beam of energy, at the paper and quickly moved the beam across the paper much like a pen or pencil.
    Leo vainly tried to associate a face or a name with these items from his past, but as said, it was a vain attempt, his amnesia was still too powerful.

    Pens and pencils. Just another useless shred of memory. He sighed inwardly as he gave up trying to remember.
    Leo decided to pay attention to Gear and his activity once more.
    He watched in curiosity as Gear finished his work; burning the last few lines into the paper. Gear than stopped the energy beam and picked up the smoking paper. From what Leo could see, an entire letter had been composed from the burnt lines in the paper.

    Gear than used his magnets to gently fold the paper into a simple square, he than slid it across the table like the release paper before.

    “Just give those to the guard at the front sentry post on the surface floor, alright? BZZZT! That should take care of your problems, for now at least.” Gear said as Leo placed both folded papers in his claw, and stood up.

    Leo was about to walk out of the room into the hallway Gear suddenly shouted for his attention.
    He turned back around to face the officer, what now? He thought as Gear reached inside the metal crate again.

    “Figured you didn’t want to leave this behind” he said as he pulled out a familiar small crystal key on a golden string, “It seems pretty valuable.”

    Any thoughts of irritation for Gear vanished as Leo meekly made his way over to the floating Pokemon. Gear gently turned over the artifact to Leo, who than slowly slid the golden thread over his neck.

    He sighed as relief flooded him, if he had lost it he didn’t know what he would do. It was the last thing he had of his past life; he needed to keep it safe.

    “Thank you, sir.” Leo whispered, still in shock of the officer’s kindness in returning the key.
    Something told Leo that Gear could have fetched a good deal of money if he were to have kept and sold it someplace.

    “BZZZT! You’re welcome, Charmeleon. Unfortunately not all of us in this business share my principles when it comes to matters like these.” Gear told a still stunned Leo cheerfully.

    “It’s Leo,” Leo quietly told Gear.

    “Ahh, Leo is it? Alright, well good to know your name in case we ever meet again. BZZZT!” Gear said as he floated past Leo and into the hallway.

    “Just go along the other path, and you’ll eventually reach the surface. Remember to give those papers to the guard, or else.” Gear called from down the hallway, and than he was gone. Off to deal with other matters deeper inside the prison.

    Leo snapped out of the semi-stupor he was in and walked out of the chamber. He made sure that he went along the hallway opposite from where he had last seen Gear.

    The hallway smelt strongly of wet hay and damp earth, something that, as a creature with a live fire burning on his tail, he didn’t find too comfortable.
    His clawed feet made a slight clicking noise when they touched the stone floor, as he quickly walked through the winding hallways, always heading upwards.
    He was careful not to accidently turn down one of the many side hallways that lead back down into the unpleasantness of the prison.
    After he walked for about five minutes he noticed the walls of the hallway change from stone to packed dirt, and the dim light slowly get brighter.

    Soon he reached a three-way intersection, two of the paths lead elsewhere in the prison, while the third path he had all ready traveled. In wall in front of him was a pair of rectangular metal doors which lead to the lobby and outside.
    Normally this wouldn’t have been so much of a problem if they had some type of knob, but they didn’t. The doors where completely smooth and appeared impossible to open.

    Leo tried knocking loudly on the smooth metal, but no one seemed on the other side to answer him, or maybe they were just ignoring him.
    Not about to give into defeat to a seemingly impassible barrier, he employed the same tactic that he successfully used in an earlier battle against a certain wall of wheat.



    He awoke shortly afterwards to the sounds of static buzzing, and looked above him to see a Magnemite above him. He winced as he slowly got to his feet, he felt sore all over, and had a splitting head ache.
    He made a painful mental note never to tackle a solid metal anything, especially at a full sprint.

    The guard apparently didn’t want to get involved in Leo’s dilemma and simply used his magnetic pull to easily open the door.
    Shielding his adjusting eyes from the light from beyond the door, he thanked the Magnemite who nodded in reply and flew off elsewhere in the prison.

    Leo cautiously walked through the doorway into the lobby; the term lobby could only be applied if taken very loosely. The room was much brighter than the rest of the prison, considering that it had a few windows covered in sticks in the clay walls.
    Other than the brightness there was little to it, there was only a small wooden booth with a Magnemite that floated behind it located by the open entrance way, and many wooden bulletin boards were mounted on the walls, each covered in posters that showed a colorful drawing of a certain Pokemon.

    Leo now noticed why the guard hadn’t heard his knocking on the door earlier; he was busy talking with two creatures on the other side of his booth.
    It took Leo a few seconds, but he realized that he recognized the two creatures. They were the blue and black dog and yellow and white fox from outside the Field.

    No, he didn’t have the time to deal with them; his full focus was on the opening in the wall that led out of this place. He couldn’t risk his freedom with talking to the guard, for all he knew they would charge him with another crime.
    He’d have to be quiet, and slowly sneak around the two Pokemon while the guard was distracted.

    He flattened himself against the wall, and slowly began edging himself along it. It was incredibly slow going, but he was making progress, slowly but surely.
    About halfway to the opening, Leo took a tentative glance at the guard.

    The Magnemite was still conversing with the dog and fox Pokemon.
    Good, he’s still talking with them, Leo thought as he continued to slide his way across the wall.
    He was almost to the opening, he could turn the corner and be outside, that’s how close he was to freedom, but the booth was directly beside his target destination. He couldn’t go past without getting spotted unless he was extremely lucky.

    Seeing no other alternative Leo grabbed his key and took a deep breath.
    He ran directly behind the two Pokemon and into the opening as quick as his reptilian feet would allow.
    He was almost in the clear, he couldn’t believe his apparent luck that the guard didn’t see him; he applauded himself for finally turning his streak of bad luck around.
    It is at these times reality reminds us, often painfully, that some people or Pokemon aren’t made to succeed at certain things, like escaping unnoticed from a prison for instance.

    Leo was halfway down the stone steps of the prison when suddenly he felt something metallic wrap painfully tight around both his ankles.
    Leo soon found this pain was rather insignificant when compared with the pain of losing his balance and falling down half a flight of stone steps, face first.

    He laid there for a moment, in quiet agony at the bottom of the steps, his entire body fighting to assess and mend the many bruises he had sustained in his misadventure.

    Unfortunately for him, his rest was interrupted by the familiar whirring sound of a Magnemite. He could have sworn that it hid an almost inaudible laugh under its buzzing, as it attached one of its magnets to the metal cords around his ankles.

    Leo soon found out that the only thing more painful than falling down half a flight of stone steps, was being quickly dragged up an entire flight of stone steps after doing the former.
    With each step Leo was dragged up, he had to hold back an even greater amount of tears. At the top step, Leo uttered a small whimper. The guard didn’t even look at his captive as he continued to drag him back inside the prison foyer.
    Leo watched the feet of the two creatures quickly shuffle out of the way, as he was dragged into the middle of the room, both his body and pride greatly bruised.

    Once at the guard’s destination, the Magnemite shot a magnetic pulse at the tight metal cords that secured his feet. They instantly loosened and unwound, freeing his now slightly numb feet.
    The guard quickly took the cord and stashed it behind his desk again. He than returned to the hurt Charmeleon and told Leo to stand, while the other two Pokemon silently stood and watched.

    Leo painfully complied as the upset guard muttered words that Leo was sure were unfit for regular conversation.
    As soon as he was finally standing, the guard started to spin both of its magnets, generating many sparks as he aimed the magnets squarely at Leo’s torso. Leo braced for the inevitable pain, his eyes squeezed tight, and his body as tense at he could make it without feeling pain.

    After a few seconds he dared to open his eyes. The guard was no longer charging for a stunning shot, but instead looking at the crumpled papers clenched tightly in the claws on his right hand.
    He had forgotten about them, they had been in his hand the entire time.
    Silently swearing to himself, he cursed the fact that he had forgotten about the release papers that he was given and his own stupidity. He could have just handed over the paper and have been on his way, but no. Of course that didn’t happen.

    The guard apparently saw what Leo was thinking and snatched the papers from his claw, and quickly scanned them both.
    He took the first of the papers with the strange code on it and put it in the booth, and than gave the second paper to the blue and black dog.

    The dog Pokemon slowly accepted the paper, not knowing what could possibly be on it.
    He lowered the paper slightly so that his fox partner could get a good look at it as well.

    While they read the content of the paper, Leo and the guard simply had engaged in a silent staring contest. The guard wishing he could zap Leo upside the head for his stupidity, and Leo busy closing one eye and imaging he was squishing the guard’s metal ball body between his claws.

    As soon as the blue and black dog Pokemon was finished reading the letter he simply crumbled it into a ball and returned it to the guard, who zapped it into ash with his magnets.

    “BZZZT! Well, than. Now you both know what’s going on, I’m most regrettably required by royal law and Gear’s mandatory “moral obligations” to ask if you have any questions or concerns about your new “addition” to your team. ZTTT!”
    The guard sighed, apathetically addressing the other two Pokemon. Wait, new addition?

    It was the dog who answered the guard, “Is this legal? Can Officer Gear do this? He never asked us, or told us anything!” he yelled at the guard.

    The guard angrily zoomed over to the dog, “Listen, Riolu, and listen well; I don’t care. I honestly don’t. ZZT! Now, shut up. ZT! In fact Gear can do this. Royal decree number five-hundred and seven, section two, sub-section three. ZZT!”

    The Riolu crossed his arms, “But it isn’t fair! We didn’t ask for a new teammate when we rescued him, why can’t he just go to the Guild or something?”

    The guard rounded on him, “BZZZT! Do I need to repeat the decree to you? In the case of a national emergency, and this is one, the Chief Officer has the authority to assign rescue and exploration teams temporary members as to not burden the Guild’s functions during said national emergency. What part of that isn’t clear? BZZZT! Now leave! I don’t want to have to charge you with resisting an officer’s order. Go! ZT!”

    The Riolu wasn’t done arguing yet, and was about to talk when the Jolteon stopped him.

    “Just stop, Jay. We can’t do anything about it now, and arguing won’t help. Let’s just go.” She told the upset Riolu, apparently named Jay.
    He reluctantly complied and muttered something about the guard under his breath.

    The guard looked pleased for once, “BZZZT! Thank you, Jolteon! At least someone here has proved that they can listen to reason, unlike some others. BZT!” he said, directing his last enunciated word at both Leo and Jay.

    Leo silently observed as the three Pokemon argued over his fate, a conversation not comfortable to listen to in the slightest.

    Jay and the Jolteon both turned to exit the prison, the guard quickly told Leo to follow them.

    “BZT! You’re with them now. Have fun with your new teammates! BZZT!” The guard laughed, a horrid static buzzing sound, and shoved Leo out of the lobby, onto the top steps where he left him.
    Confused with the events that made up the past few minutes, Leo continued down the steps, thankfully without tripping.

    He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, taking in his surroundings. He saw the other stone and clay buildings of the town, as well as a multitude of creatures simply milling about, going on with their daily lives.

    Leo twisted around in a circle, taking in the wonderful strangeness of it all, the colorful buildings, as the equally colorful creatures that walked, crawled, floated, and flew around him. Many of them were totally unlike any animal he had ever seen before; wow.

    Before he was done marveling the scenery, Jay and the Jolteon found him.

    “Well, I guess I’m with you guys for now. Right?” Leo said uncomfortably, as tried to get on their good side. He didn’t want to be hated by them, just because Gear took matters into his own hands.

    “Yeah, you’re with us, Charmeleon. Just stay with us.” Jay told him as he and the Jolteon started to make their way down the dirt street.

    “It’s Leo. My name’s Leo.” Leo called to them as he followed the two.

    As they moved past the various shops and buildings of the square, Leo tried to contain his curiosity as he took in the colorful wares of the vendors.

    He saw berries and fruits of nearly every shape and size, from a small red one the size of a marble, to apples about the size of one of the Magnemite guards.
    Along with the many fruits, he saw various metal goods, bags of small red colored seeds, and blue glass orbs stocked on the shelves and counters of the shops.

    As he was looking, he realized that Jay and the Jolteon were both far ahead of him.
    Leo ran forward to catch up with the Jolteon. Since she seemed the nicer of the two, Leo started to chat with her.

    “Hey, it’s been a pretty hectic day so far, hasn’t it?” Leo asked, trying to make small talk with her. He sighed inwardly since at least he didn’t ask her about the weather.

    “Yeah, it’s been pretty confusing so far. We really weren’t expecting Officer Gear to assign you to our team like that.” she said, as they turned off of the main street and onto a smaller dirt path.

    “So that’s why he’s in such a bad mood, because of me?” Leo asked, jerking a claw toward Jay, who was walking a few strides ahead of them, and didn’t notice their conversation.

    “I don’t think it’s you personally, he just doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get a warning of some sort when Gear or someone pulls these sorts of things. Like I said earlier, Gear never told us anything, except to be at the station this morning.” she explained, but Leo still had unanswered questions.

    “So what’s your name? I got Jay’s, but not yours.” Leo inquired, wanting as much information as he could get.

    The Jolteon looked somewhat surprised at this, “My name’s Kelly, and yours is Leo, right?”

    “That’s right.”

    “So what’s your story? I know you must have something to tell, since most Pokemon don’t just burst out of a dungeon wall, and then pass out. And now with your episode at the prison entrance, I really want to hear it.” Kelly asked Leo after a minute or so of relative quiet.

    Leo had been somewhat expecting her question, the fact that they might to hear his story. It was a reasonable request, after all he was getting to stay with them, even if it was forcibly ordered, it was still the least he could do.

    He glanced down at the key, which hung limply around his neck, his only link to whatever happened before he woke up in the middle of the Fields.
    All of the things that had happened to him, from waking up until now, they were all so strange and new to him. He had all ready told Gear his slightly altered story, and now he was going to get the chance to tell it again.

    He looked over to Kelly, “It’s a long, complicated story.” he said with a small chuckle, after all when he looked back on it, it was a little funny at times.

    “Well, you’ll get the chance to tell us once we get to our base. And than afterwards, you’ll get the grand tour of the place. Sound good?” Kelly explained as Leo noticed that they weren’t in the town anymore.
    They were on the edge of a small wooded valley, and the sun was starting to set.
    The scent of the woods and the fact that wasn’t in the prison anymore calmed him.
    It perhaps the calmest Leo had felt yet in this place, and to him passing out and being drugged to sleep didn’t count as being calm.

    “Yeah, that sounds good” he said as they continued down the path, leaving Leo to his thoughts.

    This is going to be interesting. He thought as he made a note to find out exactly what a “rescue team” was, and what was going to happen to him tomorrow.

    They were questions Leo could only hope would be answered.



    Author’s Notes:
    As for the cause of the delay, life and school decided to broadside me with a lot of things all at one time, but I’ve dealt with them, and now am back to writing.
    Chapter Three might also be slightly delayed, as finals are coming up next month and early June, but I will make a serious effort to finish it before the exams hit.

    As for this chapter, it was slightly more difficult to write for me, adding to the delay. I wanted Leo to meet and join his team differently than the normal “partner asks main character to join his team” scenario.
    So after a bit of brainstorming I came up with the idea that the Fields are very dangerous and that led to the idea of a prison, Gear, and some very irritated Magnemite guards. It also gave me the opportunity to add to Leo’s character and insert some humor into the chapter.
    I felt that it was different enough, but that’s just my opinion. Please tell me yours. I’d like to hear your comments/opinions on the story so far.

    So, as usual, please feel free to comment, critique, and correct my work.
    Again, please point out all the mistakes in my chapters, don’t worry, I can take it.
    I apologize again for the lengthy wait, and I will try my best to ensure that it never happens again.

    Also, got a new banner for the fic. I think it looks pretty good...

    Knightfall signing off…
    Last edited by Knightfall; 25th July 2013 at 12:00 AM.

  23. #23
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    Okay, so first off, I'm very sorry about the delay on this review- I missed it in my inbox.

    Okay, so I'd absolutely say that the story portion reveals a lot about the world- the coexistence of guilds and teams, what seems like a police state with the Magnemites and Magnezone near the top, the reason for the lack of population in the Mystery Dungeon... Another neat little bit was the reference to EoT/EoD/EoS.

    A lot happens here, and it works really well. There was a larger number of typos than the last 2 chapters, but that's something that ought to iron itself out over time.

    Overall, a good chapter. Looking forward to the next installment!

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
    Most Recent Chapter- Several weeks after they arrive at Star Peak, Chance alerts Team Jump to a Darkrai Shard in the area.

    Interested in a blog that reviews the Pokémon products of the past and present? Have a look at http://tompokenutter.wordpress.com/ !
    http://askredemption.tumblr.com/
    Ask the cast of Redemption anything you like!


  24. #24
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    Sep 2011
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    Saltus Valley
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Okay, so first off, I'm very sorry about the delay on this review- I missed it in my inbox.
    Happens to us all, don't worry about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Okay, so I'd absolutely say that the story portion reveals a lot about the world- the coexistence of guilds and teams, what seems like a police state with the Magnemites and Magnezone near the top, the reason for the lack of population in the Mystery Dungeon... Another neat little bit was the reference to EoT/EoD/EoS.
    I'm glad you noticed the government structure. More about it will be revealed in future chapters, and well, it's pretty important. And my brain is a little frazzled after the massive exams I just took, what was the reference you saw? Because I put a few in there.

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    A lot happens here, and it works really well. There was a larger number of typos than the last 2 chapters, but that's something that ought to iron itself out over time.
    This chapter was written in little over a few hours in a fit of inspiration I had at 1 in the morning. So that can explain some of the typos that are present.

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Overall, a good chapter. Looking forward to the next installment!
    Thanks, the next chapter is coming along slowly, but it is still being written. I still have a few exams at the end of the month, so I have no idea when the chapter will be out.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 4th May 2012 at 3:05 AM.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by knightfall View Post
    I'm glad you noticed the government structure. More about it will be revealed in future chapters, and well, it's pretty important. And my brain is a little frazzled after the massive exams I just took, what was the reference you saw? Because I put a few in there.
    The one I noticed was the offhand reference to the Restoration of Time.

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
    Most Recent Chapter- Several weeks after they arrive at Star Peak, Chance alerts Team Jump to a Darkrai Shard in the area.

    Interested in a blog that reviews the Pokémon products of the past and present? Have a look at http://tompokenutter.wordpress.com/ !
    http://askredemption.tumblr.com/
    Ask the cast of Redemption anything you like!


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