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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

  1. #51
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    Honestly, for your age, this is not bad at all. Yeah, there are grammar errors, but grammar is really confusing and takes a while to get a good grasp on. Like that, I just ended a sentence with a preposition; that's a no-no. But you seem completely willing and happy to work on the with which you've been struggling, and that goes a long way. You'll get there. The story itself is actually really good. ESPECIALLY for your age. Some basic character development stuff could be expanded upon (like when I said I wanted to see WHY the scientist wanted to get back to the surface so much), but it's still not bad at all. And...honest to goodness truth...you absolutely blow me away with your ability to pace a story. There's no way that I could pace a story this well at your age. Not even close. And that's a HUGE thing (I'm twice your age and have a Bachelor's degree in fiction writing, and pacing is probably the one area I struggle the most with, as I tend to rush through way too much stuff). So when you say things are going to "pick up" and that you don't want to be writing this forever? Man, don't worry...you're doing great on that front. Just keep doing what you're doing there.

    I'll be getting into the last few chapters when I can. I think I still have, what, three left? Or two? Whichever, I'll get them done this week, I'm sure.


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  2. #52
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    EDIT: I accidentally double-posted because I didn't realize I was the last person to reply to this 3 days ago.



    Chapter 2!


    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    He stood- well, it was more like observing from above, like a phantom. Anyways he watched from a short distance as a group of figures ran down a narrow metal catwalk inside some sort of darkened concrete building.
    With the "Anyways" in there, that sounds pretty colloquial. You should keep your narrator in a more detached voice. That said, I like this intro so far. I like the careful guiding into the dream of the first few lines. Also, though, this is another dash that needs another hyphen to be a real dash.

    He could see himself, as a human. His face was as he remembered it, but those of the other adults were unrecognizable.
    Given that we've been told his memory is mostly gone, I'd not say he remembered his face. I'd change that to something like "Even without his memory, he somehow recognized the face as his own". Or something about deep down, he knew it was him.

    He’s running- clarification- his human self was running. From what his other self was running from, he’s not entirely sure.
    He WAS running, or it's a tense shift. And more dashes, but you've got that by now, I think.

    He can hear the sounds of their shoes click on the metal catwalk as his human self followed the adult figures in front of him. Leo sees that his human self wants to catch his breath, but he knows he can’t; he has to keep up.

    As to reaffirm his other self’s unknown reason for not stopping, Leo hears an explosion. The blast is muffled by the concrete walls of this building, but it doesn’t stop the acrid smell of smoke and burning furniture from reaching Leo’s phantom nose.

    His human self runs even faster, propelled by fear.
    Suddenly one of the figures in the front of the group opens a metal door, light pours in from the outside. Leo felt himself blink as the bright light made the dark hallway visible.
    Lots of tense shifts here. It's in-and-out of present and past tenses. I can understand because it's easy to fall into that when doing dream sequences for some reason.

    He doubled over as the sounds amplified themselves louder; he covered his ears with his claws in a vain attempt to block out the ear shattering noise.
    Just as he thought his head was going to burst from the noise, he awoke with a start.
    Other than the tense shifts, this was a very good opening. I'm liking the brief glimpses we've gotten as to what is happening/has happened out in the world. Very well-done.

    His sharp teeth made short work the soft apple flesh; he tore through both of the fruits with lightening speed.
    *lightning.

    He tried to savor the juicy flavor as he attempted to jog his memory as to when he had last enjoyed them.
    Worded a little awkwardly, as he's trying/attempting to do two things at once. I'd combine that bit. "He tried to both savor the juiciness and recall when he had last...".

    However this made the two magnetic abominations burst into fits of what Leo could only assume was laughter. All he could hear was the sound of harsh static and metallic screeches coming from the two guards.
    Good description, that. I can hear the Magnemites doing that in my head.

    The voltage wasn’t enough to permanently harm him; the Magnemite wasn’t stupid and he needed this job.
    I still don't like third-person omniscient, and I think it'd be better if we didn't get these narrative glimpses into characters that aren't Leo. You can unfold the details of the Magnemites from Leo's experience rather than just narrating details to the reader, and it's more effective to do so.

    The creature, Officer Gear, was silent for a moment; the only sound in the chamber came from the faint sounds of the surface world above and the quiet whirring noise that accompanied the Magnezone’s constantly turning magnets.
    More good imagery, with Magnezone making noise just by existing. Good writing. And I like the way they speak. It's KIND OF cartoonish, but it adds to the originality of their species.

    Leo wasn’t to keen to take his offer, but took a mental note on what exactly he had turned into, a Charmeleon is it? Strange name for a species .
    He slowly nodded, hoping that he could answer the officer’s questions. Otherwise, he could be here for a while.
    I'm kind of torn on what I think of this. Why does Leo instantly assume Charmeleon is a species name instead of just assuming that Magnezone thinks that is his name. I was more expecting him to say "My name isn't Charmeleon!". But I dunno...it might work better if Leo had been in the pokemon world a bit more and had seen that is how they are referred to.

    “ZZT! Just tell me to the best of your ability, alright? ZT!” told Leo, getting slightly irritated with him.
    You missed a word there. "MAGNEZONE told Leo..."

    “BZZZT! In fact, I might not need to trouble the Guild with you after all. Please wait a moment.”
    As he finished Gear suddenly emitted a series of beeps and tones. Almost instantly another guard zoomed through the open door and into the room. He hovered over to Gear and handed him a blank piece of paper.
    I can't believe it took this long for this to hit me, but how do Magnemites and Magnezones grab or hand things? They don't have hands. I'm sure you can create a way, but I'd like to see Leo describe it, because I bet it's amusing.

    Any thoughts of irritation for Gear vanished as Leo meekly made his way over to the floating Pokemon.
    Does Leo know what a "pokemon" is yet? Gear said the word to him, but I doubt it has much meaning to Leo yet.

    While they read the content of the paper, Leo and the guard simply had engaged in a silent staring contest. The guard wishing he could zap Leo upside the head for his stupidity, and Leo busy closing one eye and imaging he was squishing the guard’s metal ball body between his claws.
    Heh. I like that. Funny line. I like the immaturity of Leo that he has displayed at times this chapter.



    -The Jay and Kelly stuff at the end was neat, as we now have characters for Leo to interact with and learn from. Again, the pacing in this chapter was great: it was really long, but not rushed through, and there was a real sense of it being important. I hope we get to see more of Magnemite Jail going forward.

    Still some mistakes, but less than the previous chapters (though I was also REALLY tired while reading this one, so I am sure I missed a bunch, heh).

    I look forward to seeing more.
    Last edited by Sid87; 12th July 2012 at 3:50 PM.


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  3. #53
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    Thanks for the review, I am reading your fic, and am almost halfway through it. I am busy with a lot of real life things, so I'll try to get my first review of Brother's Bond up soon.

    Anyways, onwards!
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    With the "Anyways" in there, that sounds pretty colloquial. You should keep your narrator in a more detached voice. That said, I like this intro so far. I like the careful guiding into the dream of the first few lines. Also, though, this is another dash that needs another hyphen to be a real dash.

    Given that we've been told his memory is mostly gone, I'd not say he remembered his face. I'd change that to something like "Even without his memory, he somehow recognized the face as his own". Or something about deep down, he knew it was him.

    He WAS running, or it's a tense shift. And more dashes, but you've got that by now, I think.

    Lots of tense shifts here. It's in-and-out of present and past tenses. I can understand because it's easy to fall into that when doing dream sequences for some reason.

    Other than the tense shifts, this was a very good opening. I'm liking the brief glimpses we've gotten as to what is happening/has happened out in the world. Very well-done.
    I think got all of those tense errors I had in that dream scene.

    I also reworded some of it, so it should read much better.

    Thanks, I'm trying to open slowly and still provide some plot development at the same time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *lightning.

    Worded a little awkwardly, as he's trying/attempting to do two things at once. I'd combine that bit. "He tried to both savor the juiciness and recall when he had last...".

    Good description, that. I can hear the Magnemites doing that in my head.

    I still don't like third-person omniscient, and I think it'd be better if we didn't get these narrative glimpses into characters that aren't Leo. You can unfold the details of the Magnemites from Leo's experience rather than just narrating details to the reader, and it's more effective to do so.

    More good imagery, with Magnezone making noise just by existing. Good writing. And I like the way they speak. It's KIND OF cartoonish, but it adds to the originality of their species.
    Mistakes have been fixed, thanks for pointing them out. And I like writing the Magnemites, it gives me an excuse to push around my main characters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm kind of torn on what I think of this. Why does Leo instantly assume Charmeleon is a species name instead of just assuming that Magnezone thinks that is his name. I was more expecting him to say "My name isn't Charmeleon!". But I dunno...it might work better if Leo had been in the pokemon world a bit more and had seen that is how they are referred to.
    Ummmmmm.... well here's the thing. You see...[insert bad excuse].

    I honestly didn't realise that until now, I don't know. I try to word that better.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    You missed a word there. "MAGNEZONE told Leo..."

    I can't believe it took this long for this to hit me, but how do Magnemites and Magnezones grab or hand things? They don't have hands. I'm sure you can create a way, but I'd like to see Leo describe it, because I bet it's amusing.

    Does Leo know what a "pokemon" is yet? Gear said the word to him, but I doubt it has much meaning to Leo yet.
    I put the word in, so that's fixed. I honestly never thought of that before, either. Hmm, I think I can put that in the next chapter somewhere, and I got an idea as to how they do it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Heh. I like that. Funny line. I like the immaturity of Leo that he has displayed at times this chapter.

    -The Jay and Kelly stuff at the end was neat, as we now have characters for Leo to interact with and learn from. Again, the pacing in this chapter was great: it was really long, but not rushed through, and there was a real sense of it being important. I hope we get to see more of Magnemite Jail going forward.

    Still some mistakes, but less than the previous chapters (though I was also REALLY tired while reading this one, so I am sure I missed a bunch, heh).

    I look forward to seeing more.
    It was really fun to write; I love writing the humerous parts of this fic, because I know they're actually funny. (Usually)

    Jay and Kelly will be playing a big role in this fic, so just wait and see.

    As for the Magnemites, you'll be seeing more from them as the story progresses, not to worry. I can't bare not writing them and their attitudes in the future.

    I don't know why I do that, I write exceptionally long chapters for some reason. For instance, chapter three was actually split into two posts it was so long.

    (Hopefully, you caught all of them.)

    I'll hopefully be able to do the first review of your fic before this weekend.

    Update: Chapter Four is moving along, albit slowly, but it's still advancing.

    Knightfall signing off...

  4. #54
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    The blast seed book got burned.

    How did Jay know Leo knew Flamethrower? He'd have to be at a certain level to know it.

    Also, how did Leo teleport so much later than his teammates? In the games, the badges work pretty fast.

    Now there are different types of Poke? I spent a lot of time figuring out the value of Pokedollars and Poke, and now you're giving me three new currencies?

    All joking aside, what is the exchange rate? And are Gold Poke the same type as in the game?

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    the poke exchange rate I believe is 10-1 for each type and a hidden money worth 100 gold but it'd not available around here.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    Quote Originally Posted by greatguy View Post
    The blast seed book got burned.

    How did Jay know Leo knew Flamethrower? He'd have to be at a certain level to know it.

    Also, how did Leo teleport so much later than his teammates? In the games, the badges work pretty fast.

    Now there are different types of Poke? I spent a lot of time figuring out the value of Pokedollars and Poke, and now you're giving me three new currencies?

    All joking aside, what is the exchange rate? And are Gold Poke the same type as in the game?
    Thanks for replying.

    Jay didn't know if he knew Flamethower or not, he was really just trying to tell him that they needed a fire attack.

    That's the point, the badges were malfunctioning, so that's why Leo was left behind for a few moments. It'll be explained more in the next chapter.

    In my fic, there are Gold, Silver, and Copper Poke. And I had the exchange rate written down somewhere, but it's really not that important.

    Anyways, thank you for replying and I'm glad you're still reading.

    Knightfall signing off..

  7. #57
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    Originally you said bronze poke, now it's copper?! Graargh, now I have rethink my plot!!!

    XD kidding of course but you should stay consistent even if the currency does not matter much.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
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  8. #58
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    Sorry I haven't been online for such a long time, but I'm glad that I came back to such a brilliant fan-fic. In the time that I've not been on Serebii, you've become a much better writer and this fan-fic proves this point. The battle layout in Chapter 3 is awesome and I thought it was funny how the badges stopped working! Once again, an outstanding fan-fic. Keep up the good work!
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  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bobmeister24 View Post
    Sorry I haven't been online for such a long time, but I'm glad that I came back to such a brilliant fan-fic. In the time that I've not been on Serebii, you've become a much better writer and this fan-fic proves this point. The battle layout in Chapter 3 is awesome and I thought it was funny how the badges stopped working! Once again, an outstanding fan-fic. Keep up the good work!
    Well, I'm glad you're back, and I'm happy that you're enjoying my fic.
    That was my first time writing a true battle, and I'm pleased at how it turned out.
    The badges not working, that was a last minute idea that ended up working pretty well, and it made for a more dramatic scene.

    Thanks for replying, and hopefully I can keep up the quality of my work.
    Chapter Four is progressing, slowly. Unfortunately, life's been demanding that my attention be focused on other things besides my story, but soon I should have some time to write some more and make some proper headway into the chapter.

    Knightfall signing off...

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    The team with their new addition in tow arrived at the base shortly after leaving the square via a short trail through the forest of mostly pine and oak trees that led to a large grassy clearing near the foot of the small valley.
    Commas needed after: "team", "tow", "square". Also, you should cut off the last few words and make them a separate sentence, otherwise it sounds like the pine and oak trees led to a large grassy clearing.

    The base wasn’t the only structure in the valley-there were several other dwellings made up of a mishmash of logs and other materials seemingly held together by sheer will and rope.
    I've covered the Dash thing before, but you also GENERALLY (not always), don't want to use a dash by itself (they usually come in pairs), so that hyphen should be a semi-colon.

    Leo had taken a moment to admire at the base when he first saw it;
    Lose the "at". Just "admire the base".

    Entering the inside of the base,
    A little redundant. Just say "entering the base"

    there was a small center room that linked to several other rooms that Leo barely got a glimpse of - a few had either a hammock hung from the log wall or a simple straw bed on the floor with a few blankets messily piled in the corners along with several wooden chests apparently used for storage.
    Again, semi-colon instead of dash. Dashes separate an independent thought in the middle of a sentence--like this one right here--while semi-colons separate two separate full sentences that are related.

    He made himself a note to look through those when he got the chance.
    Take out "himself". Again, too wordy.

    When the darkness fell, Jay stopped him for a moment; he got up went over to the wooden wall and tapped a dull blue crystal shard in a metal container on the wall.
    Should have commas after "got up" and "wooden wall".

    He said it as if every being with a pulse knew what a Luminous Orb was, unfortunately for Leo the Riolu didn’t elaborate on the strange fixtures.
    I like the line out "every being with a pulse". There should be a comma after "Leo", though.

    After some convincing, Jay eventually got Leo to continue with his story.
    Should be "WITH some convincing...", otherwise, it reads like it took some convincing to get Jay to get Leo to continue.

    By the time the Charmeleon was finished it was some dark hour in the early morning. A proverbial time among the many tales told by many an old Chansey nurse. A time when ghosts of the deceased are said to roam the land, leaving behind trails of dew, mist, and fog.
    I don't get the first two sentences there. I had to reread them a few times, and I don't quite get what they are telling me. THAT SAID, I like the line about the ghosts. I would cut away the first two lines and just say "It was a late hour" and then use the line about the ghosts.

    It was at this ungodly late-or extremely early depending on your point of view- hour that Leo wondered what his new teammates would think of him now that they had heard his story in its entirety.
    It's hard not to do, but you shouldn't say "now" in past-tense narration. Maybe say "With the story completed, Leo wondered whay his new teammates would think of him". Just a thought.

    “What?” Leo shot back at the Riolu, his temper flaring. He doesn’t believe me. He just dismissed by story, just like that!
    Move the "his temper flaring" to after "Leo". Otherwise, it sounds like Riolu's temper is flaring.

    Jay didn’t miss a beat, ““I’m sorry, but you story sounds just a little unbelievable. Just “waking up” in an inescapable dungeon and escape it? It just doesn’t happen; not that it couldn’t happen, it doesn’t happen!”
    Oh, here's a good lesson (and yes, I'm doing a lot of minor correcting so far, so I apologize): If you need to use quotation marks inside other quotation marks, use apostrophes (or half-quotations). Like this:

    "I have no idea why you said 'you are a jerk' to me, but I am not a jerk!" Paul yelled.

    See?

    She got to her feet.
    “I’ll admit he can be a little frustrating at times, but he isn’t usually like this, at least not that I’ve seen since I meet him. I’ll tell you something I’ve found out about Jay: he likes knowing what’s going on at all times, and with what he doesn’t know…well, you saw how he reacted. It’s not you; it’s the system he’s mad at. Gear’s actions were perfectly within his power, but he didn’t give us any warning.” She answered him, finally giving an explanation to the deserving Charmeleon.
    The end of her quote should have a comma, and the following "she" should lower-case since "answered" describes her dialogue.

    “The Psychic Pokemon’s Guide to Reading Minds and Influencing the Weak-Minded”, no, I don’t need that. He placed the book on the floor.

    “The Complete History of Blast Seeds: High Explosive Edition”, not what I need right now. He put the book on top of the last book on the floor.

    “Royal Genealogy: The Rulers of the Kingdom and the Royal Lineage”, interesting, but no. He put it on the pile with the others.

    “This Lasting Feud: The Enduring Conflict Between The Kingdom and its Renegade Colonies”, I’ll look at that later, but not now. He placed it with the others as he looked at the next book.

    “Magmortar’s Guide to Making Anything and Everything Combustible”, just leave it alone, Leo. He thought before throwing the book on the growing pile of discarded books.
    Nice flavorful world-building. I like getting a glimpse of all these books.

    “Though it is not clear if humans existed or are a true myth, these legends are popular among Pokemon as the supposed fate of these beings. To find out if they did, in fact, exist at one point in time; several T.I.R.A sponsored archeological teams are preparing to travel to the islands thought to be closest to the lost civilization to look for evidence.”
    I'm curious as to whether this is YOUR idea or a standard history of the Mystery Dungeon world. If it's yours, then I must say again: very impressive and well-done world-building. Great tease, too.

    Leo woke when the smell of burning paper reached his nose.
    He flailed in the hammock until he fell over the side of it onto the packed dirt floor.
    Ignoring the sore pains in his limbs he found the source of the acrid smell: it was a book, “The Complete History of Blast Seeds” to be exact.
    He had placed it along with several other discarded books in a pile beside his hammock, only now it was on fire.
    During his few hours of sleep he got after reading, his tail had apparently brushed up against the pile and set the top book aflame.
    LOL. I somehow KNEW he was going to set something on fire overnight with his tail; I just thought it'd be the hammock. Very realistic touch.

    “Sorry. I didn’t mean to do it, but I was just so….frustrated with everything.” Leo apologized, watching as the scattered Pidgy reformed their flock and returned to their tree.
    I like the imagery of the scattering and returning Pidgey.

    He bent down and picked up the small, worn satchel off the ground. It was colored light brown-or at least that was the color it had faded to. It had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol itself was, unsurprisingly, not recognized by Leo as the royal seal of The Kingdom.
    Back to the Dashes (am I being annoying yet?). I would do this to make it correct:

    "It was colored light brown--or at least that was the color it had faded to--and it had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol...."

    That way it's doing what dashes are supposed to, AND it reads better!

    The guard took a deep static filled breath,
    “I, Deputy Officer Ion, am sincerely sor…”he stopped in the middle of his forced apology.
    His frame shook and his magnets spun and sparked erratically,
    ...ry and you are an outstanding citizen” he finished.
    As soon as the final part of the word came from his speaker, a spark shot from his spherical body and he dropped like a stone to the street with a metallic clang, a thin trail of smoke coming from his body.
    LOL...Okay, these guys are just fun.

    Satisfied with the answer, Jay thanked the Sableye, who than burrowed back into the ground, off to do what ever it was he did in his free time.
    Another, fun, worthwhile, eccentric side character. You are good with those.

    Feeling completely rejuvenated from the apple and little berry, he traveled through the grass- the laws of physics not applying as his flaming tail didn’t torch the entire dungeon.
    I really want/need a reason why not. Granted, Leo might not know yet, but will we be finding out?



    -Your chapters are LONG. That's okay, though. Long chapters aren't really my flavor, but there's nothing wrong with them, (I'm just lazy and absent-minded). But you still pace things EXCEEDINGLY well. You give a LOT of detail and a LOT of flavor, and I have no doubt that as your grammar advances and you get older, you are going to be a fantastic writer. For the love of whatever god you do or don't believe in, please don't ever give up writing! (it's an easier trap to fall into than you might think)

    -Aside from that, yeah, there were a lot of grammar errors that I spent time pointing out, but like I said...you're young. Grammar can easily be learned and corrected, but your ability to pace and describe a story is harder to get a handle on. You haven't yet, but I hope you don't get discouraged by my help on grammar and punctuation and what not; I'm just trying to do my small part to help you learn that annoying stuff.

    -I feel like I don't know Jay or Kelly well enough or care much about them yet. They are just sort of "there" so far. Leo and the side characters (Aleck, Gear, the Magnemites) are all a lot of fun, but I know virtually nothing about Kelly, and all I seem to know about Jay is that he's a hothead, but well-meaning. I hope to see those two progress as the story goes on.
    Last edited by Sid87; 25th July 2012 at 7:20 PM.


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  11. #61
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    Alright, let's hope I can get my review of your fic up before the heat death of the universe.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Commas needed after: "team", "tow", "square". Also, you should cut off the last few words and make them a separate sentence, otherwise it sounds like the pine and oak trees led to a large grassy clearing.

    I've covered the Dash thing before, but you also GENERALLY (not always), don't want to use a dash by itself (they usually come in pairs), so that hyphen should be a semi-colon.
    Commas, dashes, hyphens, I am truely starting to despise them, but those mistakes have been fixed. I'm going to try to eradicate any and all dash errors from Chapter Four, if for other reason then to give you one less thing to correct.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Lose the "at". Just "admire the base".

    A little redundant. Just say "entering the base"

    Again, semi-colon instead of dash. Dashes separate an independent thought in the middle of a sentence--like this one right here--while semi-colons separate two separate full sentences that are related.

    Take out "himself". Again, too wordy.

    Should have commas after "got up" and "wooden wall".

    I like the line out "every being with a pulse". There should be a comma after "Leo", though.
    Comma, Dash, Comma, Dash, I think I'm sensing a pattern here.
    Anyways, redundancy and word-acy errors have been corrected, as were the comma and dash errors.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Should be "WITH some convincing...", otherwise, it reads like it took some convincing to get Jay to get Leo to continue.

    I don't get the first two sentences there. I had to reread them a few times, and I don't quite get what they are telling me. THAT SAID, I like the line about the ghosts. I would cut away the first two lines and just say "It was a late hour" and then use the line about the ghosts.
    Fixed, and I re-formatted that phrase, hopefully it reads better now. And I think I was reading some mystery book when I thought of that line, anyways, I liked it as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    It's hard not to do, but you shouldn't say "now" in past-tense narration. Maybe say "With the story completed, Leo wondered whay his new teammates would think of him". Just a thought.

    Move the "his temper flaring" to after "Leo". Otherwise, it sounds like Riolu's temper is flaring.
    Fixed, and I simply took out the "temper flaring" bit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Oh, here's a good lesson (and yes, I'm doing a lot of minor correcting so far, so I apologize): If you need to use quotation marks inside other quotation marks, use apostrophes (or half-quotations). Like this:

    "I have no idea why you said 'you are a jerk' to me, but I am not a jerk!" Paul yelled.

    See?
    I have seen that used before, and I wonder why I didn't remember it until now. Anyhow, I'll remember that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The end of her quote should have a comma, and the following "she" should lower-case since "answered" describes her dialogue.

    Nice flavorful world-building. I like getting a glimpse of all these books.
    Fixed, and yeah. It took me a while to think of those titles, I wanted to reveal a bit about the workings of the world without giving anything away. And some of them were amusing to write.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm curious as to whether this is YOUR idea or a standard history of the Mystery Dungeon world. If it's yours, then I must say again: very impressive and well-done world-building. Great tease, too.
    That bit of mythology is all mine. I do plan on building on from the games, but it's mainly of my own creation. That's one of the reasons why the prologue took me months to write, my ideas for this story kept on changing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    LOL. I somehow KNEW he was going to set something on fire overnight with his tail; I just thought it'd be the hammock. Very realistic touch.

    I like the imagery of the scattering and returning Pidgey.
    I planned on him burning something before I was done with Chapter Two. I reasoned that he'd burn the hammock, but the book was easier to dispose of. (Leo just hung his tail over the side, and he moved in his sleep so it touched the book)
    And keep that event in the back of your mind, because I plan on having it resurface at some point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Back to the Dashes (am I being annoying yet?). I would do this to make it correct:

    "It was colored light brown--or at least that was the color it had faded to--and it had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol...."

    That way it's doing what dashes are supposed to, AND it reads better!
    I might have to go and smash something with a crowbar after this, but I fixed that sentence. Dashes ... how I despise them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    LOL...Okay, these guys are just fun.

    Another, fun, worthwhile, eccentric side character. You are good with those.
    I know, they're really fun to write. Almost as soon as I first wrote Chapter One, I knew they and Leo would cross paths again.

    We'll be seeing them from time to time, but yeah, I guess I am good at writing them. I thank childhood movies for their inspiration.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I really want/need a reason why not. Granted, Leo might not know yet, but will we be finding out?
    Leo doesn't know yet, but it's the weird dungeon mechanics at work. We'll find out more later, I promise.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Your chapters are LONG. That's okay, though. Long chapters aren't really my flavor, but there's nothing wrong with them, (I'm just lazy and absent-minded). But you still pace things EXCEEDINGLY well. You give a LOT of detail and a LOT of flavor, and I have no doubt that as your grammar advances and you get older, you are going to be a fantastic writer. For the love of whatever god you do or don't believe in, please don't ever give up writing! (it's an easier trap to fall into than you might think)
    I honestly don't know when to stop writing a chapter, but I guess that's not too much of a problem that I write a lot. I hope I can live up to that, and believe me, I don't think I'll stop writing anytime soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Aside from that, yeah, there were a lot of grammar errors that I spent time pointing out, but like I said...you're young. Grammar can easily be learned and corrected, but your ability to pace and describe a story is harder to get a handle on. You haven't yet, but I hope you don't get discouraged by my help on grammar and punctuation and what not; I'm just trying to do my small part to help you learn that annoying stuff.
    How else am I to learn unless you point out all that small annoying stuff? Because of this, I'm seriously going to try and give the next chapter a good read through so I catch more of them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -I feel like I don't know Jay or Kelly well enough or care much about them yet. They are just sort of "there" so far. Leo and the side characters (Aleck, Gear, the Magnemites) are all a lot of fun, but I know virtually nothing about Kelly, and all I seem to know about Jay is that he's a hothead, but well-meaning. I hope to see those two progress as the story goes on.
    They are going to progess, though much of their backstories are going to be kept vague for the time being. Their personalities are developing, and hopefully that'll be enough to hold the story over until their backstories are released in a later arc.

    Thank you so much for going through my story, you can see that I need your helpful advice. So, thank you for pointing out all those annoying errors; I won't be forgetting them anytime soon.

    So, hopefully when I post the next chapter you'll see much less of those errors and can focus fully on the story. I took your advice and found a beta reader, so thanks for pointing me in that direction.

    Now then, I think it's time I review your fic, I'll try to get that up soon.

    Thank you again.

    Knightfall signing off...

  12. #62
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    Default Chapter Four

    Chapter Four: Injustice


    “I’m…not sure what’s going on anymore. Things are changing: guards are everywhere, He is always here, and they’re not telling us anything anymore. They’re hiding something, the administrator, I’m certain he’s in on it …. I’m going to find out what it is … I’m not sure what will happen to me, but I can’t go back. Not now, they know. Somehow, they know that I’m on to them, so it’s no use playing dumb. Not anymore.
    I’m going to go …. into the restricted areas tomorrow, to see what I can find.
    If I don’t come back ... whoever is reading this needs to make sure that what they’re doing is exposed … whatever that may be.”
    Last known entry from the private journal of Ian the Breloom, former member of Team Frontier. Confirmed missing the day after this journal entry and has not been heard from since.




    Leo knew the dark expanse he stood in was the result of a dream, not simply the effects of unconsciousness. The darkness seemed too vivid, if possible, to be anything but a dream.

    “Is this kind of thing going to be a regular thing every time I pass ou—What the heck is that?!”

    Within the darkness of the dream, something stirred. At first, they sounded like distant voices, but like a tidal wave approaching shore, their soft whispers grew until they resembled the tortured screams of the damned.
    Leo clutched the sides of his head in an attempt to block out their screams, but they broke through this barrier as their amplified voices circled around him.

    “Reality is the story the mind tells itself. A truth so strange it can only be lied into existence and our minds can lie. Never doubt it.”

    “What’s this? Real, or just my lying mind again?”

    “Shut up! Stop it!” Leo screamed, but the voices only grew louder.

    “You can always ignore your conscious …”

    “I was promised salvation. I was told that I would be free. He told me that my imprisonment would end. I can’t live like this … Maybe I’m already dead. Does that make this my hell?”

    “Please stop! I don’t want to hear you!” Leo pleaded, but the voices didn’t heed his order.

    “Death might be a better alternative then letting him return …”

    “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Please stop!” Leo cried, tears welling up from the pain. Suddenly the screaming voices ceased, and a single, cold voice started talking.

    “Unless you wish for your mind’s descent into madness to accelerate, I suggest you wake up, Leo. Wake up … and see past the corruption.”



    Flailing his arms around in panic, Leo effectively shredded the soft blankets covering him. Panting heavily, his eyes darted around the room he was in for the strange voices from a few seconds earlier.

    After confirming that the room was empty of everyone but himself, he began to worry.
    I-I’m hearing voices inside my head. Am I going crazy? I must be, because no normal person hears things like that. He glanced at each of the corners of the room to make sure no one was pulling a prank on him. His psyche wasn’t in the best state to handle someone’s cruel attempt of a joke the moment.

    He shook the thoughts of potential insanity away and truly observed the room he didn’t remember being in before. It was a small square room with brick walls, and wooden ceiling with several small bunches of dried herbs tied to the rafters, their purifying scents purged the air of foul smells and left a sharp, minty aftertaste in Leo’s mouth every time he took a breath.
    Aside from the herbs on the ceiling, the only other things in the room appeared to be the hay bed he was sitting on and a small wooden door.

    Deciding that nothing productive would come of his staying in bed, he swung his legs over the side of the haystack and he hopped down. It was as soon as his legs hit the packed dirt floor that he realized that his body wasn’t as recovered from yesterday’s fiasco as he thought. As his weak legs fell out from beneath him, he clutched the wall nearest to him to keep from collapsing.

    Just then, he heard the squeaking sound of the wooden door opening behind him, and not even a full second had passed when he heard another voice.

    “Just what do you think you’re doing, Charmeleon?!” Leo didn’t have time to process who the voice belonged to when a pair of leafy arms picked him up from under his shoulders and dropped him over the bed.

    Leo looked up at his rescuer, she (at least it sounded feminine to Leo) appeared to be a walking plant blub with a red, oversized, hat-like flower set almost sideways on her leaf green “hair”. Her pale white face was looking down on her renegade patient with a mixture of concern and disapproval.

    “You’re not cleared to be out of bed yet. I’m not surprised that you nearly fell. Those poisons you inhaled yesterday haven’t dissipated from your body yet,” she scolded as she went over to a small brown bag she brought with her, pulling out a pink, heart-shaped berry.

    “Here, eat this. It’ll help your body break down the last of the poison’s toxins much faster then it would normally,” she said as she handed Leo the berry.
    Leo looked at the berry suspiciously, it didn’t seem bad, but, as Leo had learned yesterday, looks can be deceiving.

    “Go on, eat it. Honestly, you’re acting like you’ve never seen a Pecha Berry before,” the nurse urged as Leo cautiously took a bite of the berry.
    He wasn’t expecting the explosion of sweetness that the berry contained; he stared in awe of the fruit as he swallowed the bite. It took approximately two and a half seconds for Leo to shove the entirety of the small berry into his mouth, chew it, and swallow it.

    The plant-bulb Pokemon chuckled at the scene. Leo looked up at her with a small dribble of Pecha juice remaining on his lips, which he cleaned with a swipe of his tongue. He didn’t care if she thought him as ill-mannered, odd, or just plain weird; that berry was perhaps the best experience he’d had so far in this world, and he wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it for him.

    “Now that you’ve finished with that, the last of the toxins should dissipate shortly,” The nurse informed Leo.
    Suddenly a thought hit Leo, pushing away all the good feelings he had. What happened to Kelly and Jay? And I guess Icarus, too.
    “Excuse me, nurse…” he trailed off, not knowing what name to call his caretaker.

    The nurse sensed his confusion. “I’m a Lilligant; my species aren’t normally seen around here, so I’m not surprised that you don’t know. You may call me Rosaline.”

    Armed with her name, Leo again asked his question. “Nurse Rosaline, what happened to the others who were brought here with me?”

    The Lilligant paused. “Who are you talking about, Charmeleon?” she asked, confused.

    Leo pushed himself up on the bed. “Kelly and Jay. They were with me yesterday, along with Icarus.”

    “I’m sorry, Charmeleon, but I don’t know any of those names. Forgive me,” Rosaline apologized, as Leo began to panic.

    “My friends, Kelly and Jay! A Jolteon and a Riolu, where are they?!” Leo shouted at the nurse. In the midst of his alarm, he realized that he had just referred to them as his friends. It was true they were the closest things he had to friends in this world.

    The nurse spoke, “Calm down, Charmeleon! I-”

    “My name is Leo! What happened to them?!” Leo yelled, cutting her off abruptly. He hopped down off the bed and strained to stand. This was arguably not his best move as he nearly fell to the floor again, but panic had firmly gripped his mind and was not letting go.
    Just as the nurse was about to resort to using a Sleep Seed she carried on her for such a situation, the door opened and in walked Jay, Kelly, and to Leo’s surprise, Icarus. All of them looking healthy and happy, except Icarus who seemed displeased with the sling his right wing was set in.

    “We leave you for an hour to discuss a reward with Icarus, and you get into a shouting match with the nurse? Maybe we should have them examine your head,” Jay said, walking in between Leo and the nurse, who still firmly held the Sleep Seed in her hand, ready to throw it if needed.

    Leo’s heart flooded with relief. “You’re all right, that’s … great,” he said, his breaths slowing as his fear induced heart rate returned to normal.

    “I was about to tell you that I saw your friends earlier in the guild’s lobby. I didn’t treat your friends, so that’s why I didn’t recall who you were asking about,” Nurse Rosaline huffed, stowing the seed back into her bag.

    Sheepishly, Leo turned to the annoyed nurse. “I’m sorry I overreacted. I didn’t mean to.”

    The Lilligant smiled. “It’s alright, I forgive you. You’re hardly the first Pokemon to yell at me in a panic. And I think it shows how much you care for your friends,” she said, as Leo was suddenly thankful his scales were already colored crimson.

    “So, would someone tell me what happened yesterday?” Leo asked, abruptly changing the subject.

    “Well, shortly after Jumpluff attacked us, I managed to get a connection with the badge. I activated it and it worked as expected: Icarus and I instantly arrived at the guild with Jay appearing a few seconds later,” Kelly explained, as Jay continued.

    “Then our luck ran out, again. You weren’t showing up. As soon as we saw that, Kelly and I ran into the guild and found the Kadabra who ran the badge extraction, and we calmly and rationally explained what happened, and he kindly reopened the passage to get you out of the-” Jay told Leo as Kelly interrupted him.

    “What he actually means is that he barged into the restricted area of the guild and threatened the overworked Kadabra until he got you out of th-” Kelly revealed as Jay cut her off.

    “Don’t act all innocent, you were about to fry the poor guy by the time I got the-” Jay shot back, as Rosaline cut both of them off by wrapping her leafy hands over both of their muzzles.

    “This is a hospital. Not an arena. If you wish to carry on your argument, you will do so outside. Do you understand?” she scolded as she slowly let go of their mouths.
    “Now, I must inform you all that your stay in our guild is almost over. The Guildmaster requests that your entire team vacate the premises now that all of your wounds have been stabilized and treated. You have fifteen minutes to gather your things and leave,” Rosaline informed the reunited team.

    After that, Jay, Kelly, and Leo busied themselves with gathering their items from the guild’s storage and helping Leo regain strength in his legs. While on their errands, the group passed a golden, mustached, humanoid Pokemon. Once the Pokemon saw them, he instantly jumped to the side and flattened himself against the wall. Leo thought his behavior odd until he saw both Jay and Kelly shoot him a piercing glare.

    He must be the Kadabra-thing they threatened earlier, Leo realized as the Pokemon fled down the hallway as soon as they passed. Leo smiled at the thought. Serves him right.

    After they had recovered their satchels and items—Leo’s key wasn’t taken, to his relief-- they found Nurse Rosaline and said their good-byes.
    “It was nothing, and I’m sorry we have to ask you to leave, but that’s the rules,” she said, as Jay suddenly remembered something.

    “Hey, nurse, when you were treating Leo, did you find out anything about his memory loss?”

    Rosaline stopped her good-bye, “Beg pardon, I wasn’t even aware that Leo was suffering from amnesia. Was this from yesterday’s events?” she inquired, concern spreading throughout her face.

    “No, I’ve had it for a few days now. At least, that’s as far back as I can remember,” Leo admitted with a sigh.

    The Lilligant walked over to Leo, she put her hands on the sides of his head and gently inspected it. “You don’t appear to have any noticeable injury to your skull; was it a Psychic type that did this to you? Or was it something else?” she asked after completing her observation of his head.

    Leo shook her hands off his head, “You’re asking the amnesiac if he remembers anything. That makes perfect sense,” Leo said with a laugh.

    “Well, excuse me for trying to help,” she huffed, “Anyways, there are a few options I know of that might—might, mind you-- help restore his memory, though they would require much effort on your part,” she told them.

    “Before Jay says something out of line, I’ll be the one to ask. What can we do to help our teammate, Nurse?” Kelly asked. Jay shrugged his shoulders as he let her comment go.

    “Well, a Psychic Pokemon who’s very developed in his abilities could delve into Leo’s mind and attempt to remove the amnesia, but if one thing goes wrong, it could land your friend with a much bigger problem then missing memories,” she elaborated.
    Leo shook his head in disagreement, he didn’t want some Pokemon messing around in his head, he already had enough going on up there.

    “If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of; Madam Lucario is her name, I believe. She is well known for her abilities, and has reported success with patients like you, though I’m a bit skeptical. Last I heard she was in one of the frontier towns, that’d be at least a week’s travel if you wanted …” she trailed off, sensing that the offer had fallen short with the team.

    “Thank you for your help, but we simply can’t go off to find this Madam Lucario. We’ll just have to make do with what we have,” Jay told her, as they exited the hospital section of the guild.

    The main floor of the guild was huge, to say the least. Leo couldn’t even imagine such a room existing in this world. As Jay would tell him later, the lobby was ten feet in height, and wide enough to allow even the longest Onix to fit comfortably. Along the brick walls of the room were placed several long boards each with dozens of posters on them. They made the Post Office’s board look superfluous by the amount of job requests they could hold.

    Before Leo could observe the entirety of the guild’s foyer, he found himself being pushed along by Jay. A few minutes later, he, Jay, Kelly, and a disgruntled Icarus were standing near the edge of Loyalty Square’s now-bustling marketplace.

    “Well, at least we got time to breathe in there,” Leo said snidely to Jay, who was looking very much relieved now that they were out of the guild.

    “Believe me, it’s better now that we’re out of there,” he replied, giving no indication of what that might have meant.

    “Icarus, I think it’s time you gave us that reward you insisted on not talking about earlier,” Jay said to the Pidgeotto, changing the subject from the guild.

    Icarus clawed the stone street with his talons, “Yeeeah, about that …You see, I don’t have a reward for you guys,” he slowly said while keeping an eye on Jay.

    “What do you mean, Icarus?” Jay said, his voice betraying no trace of the anger Leo was sure was building up inside of him.

    “W-what I mean, is that I don’t have anything of value to…you know, give you guys. I’m only a messenger, I don’t get paid much,” Icarus answered the Riolu, as he kept his distance.

    “So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.

    Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward. “H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.

    “You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.

    “No, me neither. Actually, I am in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.

    “G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

    “Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.

    Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

    Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”

    “Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.



    The shop they entered was a small structure that appeared to be built out of an amalgamation of tree trunks and cut rock lashed together with rope. The fact that it was standing was probably breaking several basic laws of physics.
    Inside were several small circular tables, each occupied with a group of Pokemon either eating or just chatting. As Kelly and Leo walked in through the doorway, Leo looked around, not too optimistic about getting a space for both of them at a table.

    Just as they were about to give up on finding a seat, a large red and yellow creature with red flames erupting from its shoulders looked up from his conversation and noticed their dilemma. He grinned and waved them over with one of its yellow tubular arms.
    As Leo and Kelly walked over to the already crowded table, the large Pokemon who invited them pushed a horse-like Pokemon with fire for a mane aside to make space for the two.

    “Thank you, Magmortar, sir,” Kelly said gratefully, as they took a place at the table.

    Magmortar laughed, “No need to be formal; name’s Blaize, and this here is my crew,” he said, as he gestured at the other Pokemon surrounding the table.

    “Thank you for letting us sit here, but why? I don’t think we’ve ever met before,” Kelly asked Blaize, puzzled at his generosity. The Magmortar gave no reply to her, but instead Blaize pulled out a small bag, fished out a few copper coins, and tossed them the air.
    Leo was surprised when the coins all suddenly vanished in a small blast of light.

    Not three seconds after the coins had vanished from sight, two glasses of liquid appeared in twin flares of light on the table in front of Leo and Kelly.
    Leo shot back from the table and covered his head with his claws, bracing himself for whatever explosion was about to happen.
    After a moment of nothing even remotely like a detonation occurring, he slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head. The table was still intact, though every Pokemon at it was staring at him as if he’d completely lost it, Blaize and Kelly in particular.

    Leo laughed weakly as he slowly returned to the table. Ignoring the stares of the others, he nonchalantly took a sip of his drink. He was amazed at the taste of whatever this mixture was called; he couldn’t even imagine something that came even remotely close to being this good. The Pecha Berry he had earlier palled in comparison to the fiery flavor of this drink. He barely kept these emotions to himself, as the rest of the table returned to their conversation.

    “Blaize, sir. You didn’t have to buy us anything, we can afford our own,” Kelly told the Magmortar, as he grinned.

    “Don’t worry about that, and if the rumors are true, you and your team deserve it after what you all did in the Meadows. I swear, you all are more competent then the legions of Magnemite they got patrolling everywhere. Exposing a major Colonial smuggling ring and surviving to tell the tale; that’s not something that every team does. You deserve the drinks,” Blaize explained as Leo downed the rest of the red liquid in his glass.

    “How did you know about that? We only got back yesterday,” Kelly asked as Leo discreetly reached for Kelly’s glass and took it while she was distracted.

    Blaize let out another hearty laugh, “I guess some folks overheard talk in the guild and told the town all about it. Good thing too, since that’s what led us to take the job of arresting Jumpluff and his cronies,” he told them as the other Pokemon at the table nodded in agreement.
    While they talked, Leo carefully took a sip of Kelly’s drink—some sort of electric yellow liquid—and nearly gagged on it. Overriding the urge to spit it out, he quickly swallowed the drink. Disgusted with the revolting drink, he swiftly passed it back to Kelly’s spot before she noticed it was even gone.

    “Well, good luck with that. He’s not a pleasant Pokemon, that’s for sure. Be careful, and don’t breathe the air,” she warned as Blaize and the entire group laughed—Leo noticed that they did this a lot.

    “Don’t go worrying about us, lass. A couple Fire Blasts from us and they’ll be begging at our knees!” as he said this, he suddenly lifted his right arm up in the air and shot a small burst of flame out of it.
    It seemed as if the entire restaurant turned and stared at their table after Blaize’s display.
    After the audience slowly went back to their private conversations, Blaize announced to his team that it was time to get going.

    “Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t locked their doors to us yet. See you both around, and good luck with your future rescuin’,” Blaize told them as he and his group hastily exited the building before said management could get onto them.

    Leo was just starting to enjoy having the entire table just to him and Kelly when he looked up at the back corner of the restaurant. He saw past the groups of conversing Pokemon to see a strange purple creature. It didn’t have any arms or legs that Leo could see, it just silently floated. It wasn’t the lack of limbs, or even the large witch hat it seemed to wear on its head that captured Leo’s attention. It was its stare. The creature’s golden eyes gleamed from under the brow of its “hat”, and Leo saw a wicked smile form on its face. Just as Leo was about to go and confront the observer, a group of three Pokemon approached their table, blocking the staring contest.

    “You both mind if we sit here? We’ve been looking around for a place to sit for a while now,” one of the newcomers inquired, a large green gecko with a thin leaf growing from the top of its head that went down to its feet.

    Coming out of his trance-like staring contest with the creature, Leo shook his head. “I’m sorry, we’re out of room,” Leo sarcastically told the group, motioning for them to take a seat.

    The green gecko grinned, “Thanks mate, appreciate it,” he said as he called for his two companions to take their places at the table. One was a regal looking creature with white fur and a sharp black crescent attached to the side of his head, and the other was a dragon with large red eyes and a pair of diamond-shaped wings on its back.

    The Grovyle leaned over the table, “So, anything interesting happen to you all today?” he asked, trying to initiate a conversation.

    “Well, we just finished recovering from our job at Spore Fields yesterday, and our teammate is getting our reward from our client,” Kelly responded, not even phased at the fact that Jay was probably threatening Icarus with another broken wing.

    This got the Absol’s attention, “Spore Fields? Where you the team that exposed that smuggling ring I’ve been hearing about?”

    The Grovyle put his clawed hand on the Absol’s shoulder, “Don’t be so rude, Elliot, we just met them,” the Grovyle scolded, as Elliot started grumbling something unsavory about his leader. Leo craned his neck to see past the Grovyle and saw that the golden-eyed creature has vanished without a trace.

    “Yeah, I guess that’s us. I didn’t know we’d become this well known just for doing that,” Kelly replied, as Jay walked through the doorway of the café. After looking around a moment, he found the table where Leo and Kelly were, and joined them.
    To avoid disclosing anything Jay did, or might have done to the other patrons, Leo decided to play it safe and ask a vague question.

    “Any luck?”

    Jay shook his head. “He really didn’t have anything to give us, and believe me, I made sure.” He looked at his teammates puzzled faces.
    “Don’t worry; I didn’t hurt him or anything. I just scared him a bit,” he answered their unspoken question.

    “Even though I didn’t get any reward from him, I made him a deal that he owes us a big favor whenever we might need one. And he accepted that without a second thought, and then I let him go,” Jay said as he finished his explanation of his “chat” with Icarus.

    “Is that how you treat all of your clients?” Elliot asked, grinning, “If so, then I’d hate to ever be rescued by you all.”

    The Grovyle jabbed the Absol with his elbow, “Elliot, shut up! You’re not helping anyone with your jokes,”

    The Absol shrugged it off, “Oh, lighten up Blade, not everything has to be so serious. I mean, I can sense when disasters are about to strike and I smile more then you do!” Elliot argued. The Grovyle, Blade, shook his head in disapproval.

    “This is why we don’t get higher level missions, because you and Sonic don’t take things seriously,” Blade shot back, directing the comment to Elliot and the Flygon, Sonic.

    Jay leaned toward Leo and Kelly, “Did I miss anything?” he asked as Kelly filled him in on what happened while he was with Icarus.

    “See past the corruption …” Leo jerked his head up, suddenly alert.

    He quickly looked around the table: Jay and Kelly were talking, as were Blade, Elliot, and Sonic, and no one was behind him. Who said that?, Leo pondered, as his thoughts were suddenly cut short by a loud burst of familiar static.

    The entire café went silent as a squad of seven Magnemite burst into the dining area. They all spun around, quickly scanning the entire room. Suddenly, one of the units screeched as it pointed towards a blue duck Pokemon that was sitting two tables away from Leo.

    “ZZT! There he is! Get him! ZT!”

    Five of the Magnemite instantly surrounded the table, while the other two turned around to address the restaurant patrons, who were beginning to panic and get to their feet.
    “BZZT! Remain calm, citizens, official L.S.P.D business. Stay back,” one of the units said. Leo wasn’t paying attention to him; he, along with everybody else in the room, was looking around the Magnemite to see what was going on.
    The five Magnemite that had surrounded the table had swarmed the stunned blue duck Pokemon. They tried to electrocute him, but he managed to dodge their charge by jumping to the side.

    “What are you doing?!” the Pokemon yelled as he stumbled away from the table.

    “ZT! Cease and desist, citizen!” one of the units yelled, as the five Magnemite surrounded the Golduck in the circle.

    The Golduck desperately looked at the other Pokemon, “I haven’t done anything wrong! What are you doing?!” he yelled as the Magnemite tightened their circle around him.

    “ZZT! Surrender now, Jack, and we won’t have to use force. ZT!” another of the units said, as Jack’s webbed hands started glowing.
    Without warning, Jack lunged forward and punched one of the Magnemite. The attack sent the unit flying into the rock wall where it shattered in an explosion of electricity and metal fragments.
    Before the other officers could react, Jack punched another unit into the floor where it met the same fate as the one before.
    Jack turned around, shot a burst of water from his mouth at the other Magnemite, and made a break through the gap in the circle. The other units were no longer stunned, and immediately fired bolts of charged electricity at the Golduck.

    “ZT! Units Four and Seven down! Units Four and Seven down! Remaining units detain suspect! ZZT!” one of the units shouted as they fired off several more bolts. Jack was nimble enough to dodge the electric bolts; he jumped over the chairs and landed on Leo’s table.
    The units continued firing their attacks despite the risk of hitting the other patrons. Jack’s hands glowed again and this time he sent a wave of psychic energy at the police units, knocking the remaining five units backwards.

    Leo ducked from his seat, as a bolt of energy flew inches above his head.
    Jack released several more of the psychic blasts, deflecting the electric bolts and disorienting the units.

    “This has to end before someone gets hurt,” Blade whispered as he prepared to strike.

    Before Jack could attack again, Blade hopped up onto the table directly behind the Golduck and shot a pair of glowing leaves at Jack’s head, instantly knocking the Pokemon down onto the floor before he could react. The remaining units took advantage of the opportunity and fired several bolts directly at the Golduck.
    Jack cried out in pain as he collapsed to the ground, his body twitching as the electricity continued to course through it.

    Leo was too stunned to move at this act of police brutality as several yells of “Jack!” came from the Pokemon of the café.
    Before anyone could make a move to help him, the Magnemite quickly surrounded the unconscious Golduck. Two of them clasped their magnet appendages around Jack’s wrists and started dragging him out of the restaurant, another two units made a barrier around their prisoner, while the last one attached his magnets to the smoking piles of wreckage that were units Four and Seven and dragged them away.

    “BZZT! Have a nice day, citizens. Thank you for your cooperation and assistance in detaining this felon. ZZT!” the last one said as it left the restaurant, the last comment directed to Blade.

    After the Magnemite left, the patrons started murmuring and conversing once more. Leo could hear only snippets of their hushed dialogue, “… again, it’s happened again.”, “Jack never did anything …”, “… third raid this week ...”, “… too far this time …”

    Leo snapped back into focus when Jay tapped him on his back, “I think it’s time we go. We don’t want to stay here too long, otherwise we’ll be the next ones offending one of their asinine laws,” Jay warned and Leo nodded, taking a last look at the overturned table and the many smoking scorch marks in the walls and furniture.

    “Your friend is right, we should leave now,” Blade said as he motioned for Leo to move.



    Silent Foothills: Second Area

    Even though it had been a few hours since the incident in the café, Leo was still trying to make sense of what had happened. Jay explained that this was only one of many similar incidents happening all across the Kingdom: Pokemon being rounded up and arrested at the slightest sign of doing anything considered “treasonous”.

    Once they had departed the café, they parted ways with Blade and his team, who told them to watch their backs as they left. Apparently, Jay had also been to the job boards while he was dealing with Icarus and had accepted a mission, though he never got the chance to tell them in the restaurant.

    Though Leo was not too psyched about going into another dungeon so soon after the last one, he reluctantly agreed to go since Jay assured him that this was nothing like the Meadows. In hindsight, he remembered that was exactly what Kelly had told him about the Meadows yesterday.
    Their mission was simple: find an Oren Berry a Weedle used as a good luck charm. It didn’t pay too much, —only thirteen Copper Poke--- but it was an easy mission, and that was exactly what they needed.
    Leo turned his badge over in his claws, it was worn down and scratched, but Aleck told them that it was top quality. Leo remembered when the eccentric shopkeeper called them over to his shop right after they left Blade and his team. Jay and the Sableye haggled for a few minutes about a price before agreeing to four Silver Poke.

    When Leo asked where he got the badge, Aleck cryptically answered, “Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies,” he said with a shady chuckle.
    As they walked away from the shop, Kelly whispered to him that Aleck never says where he gets his merchandise, though everyone suspects that he had contacts in the black market.

    The dungeon itself wasn’t anything too remarkable, as the name “Silent Foothills” suggested, it was fairly quiet in terms of both noise and Pokemon. Except for a few wild Zigzagoon and Rattata that fled as soon as they came into view, the dungeon was empty, and that was fine by Leo.
    The Oren Berry in question was supposed to be on the third area of the dungeon, and at the rate this mission was going, they’d be there in no time.

    “Hey, Jay, what did you mean by what you said earlier? When you said that the same thing was happening all over?” Leo asked as they walked through the tree-lined path within the dungeon. The Riolu slowed his pace and walked beside Leo, letting Kelly take the lead.

    “Ever since the Western Quarter incident, the entire police force has been stepping up their efforts to prevent history from repeating itself on a bigger scale. Not to sound paranoid or anything, but they have spies set up in every city to watch for any signs of treason. Gear hates that they have to do it, but it’s not his decision,” Jay explained as they continued to move through the dungeon.

    “So, Jack was innocent?” Leo asked.

    “He probably got caught talking bad about the government or something like that. It’s horrible, but it’s better then living in the Colonies, at least that’s what I’ve been told,” Jay sighed.
    Leo had thought as much. It’s bad, yes, but like he said, it could always be worse, right? Unfortunately, he didn’t have an answer to that question.

    Suddenly, Jay spoke up. “I know what we need to do, Leo. This place is an excellent spot to try and teach you some attacks,” he suggested.

    “What do you mean by ‘attacks’?” Leo asked.

    “What you weren’t able to do yesterday against Jumpluff. Hopefully, we can jog your memory and get a move or two back,” Jay told him, as they all stopped in the middle of a clearing ringed by trees. “This should be a good place.”

    “Alright, so where do I begin?” Leo eagerly asked, the thought of performing some of the moves he saw yesterday excited him.
    Jay stopped, “Umm, you got any ideas Kel?”

    Kelly thought for a moment, “Well, since none of us know how to breathe fire, I guess we could start you off with something involving your claws,” she reasoned, as Leo looked over his claws. They were definitely sharp, but was there more to them then that?

    “That’ll work,” Jay agreed as he motioned for Leo to stand in front of a particularly large tree.
    “Now pretend it’s an enemy and attack it!” he ordered, as Kelly groaned in disagreement.

    “That’s not how it works, Jay! You have to let him figure it out his own way. That’s how I learned,” she told him.

    Their arguing didn’t change the fact that Leo was still facing a tree with no idea of what to do. Shrugging his shoulders, he decided to wing it. He raised his right arm and concentrated on slashing through the bark like butter with his claws.
    He swung his claws down onto the tree. He immediately knew it hadn’t worked when he felt the jarring pain spread throughout his limb. He clenched his hand as he hopped around in pain.

    As soon as the pain subsided to a tolerable level, again he faced the tree. Ignoring Jay’s snickers and Kelly’s advice to take it easy, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
    He imagined his claws easily slicing into the first few inches of bark, tearing through the layers of xylem and phloem. That’s when he felt it, his claws suddenly became energized in a way. Not knowing if that was a good sign or not, he swung his claws into the tree again.

    He felt his claws make contact with the hard bark, but then it felt like he was dragging his hand through water. He opened his eyes to see that his claws were indeed glowing and embedded deep within the bark, a long slash mark trailed from where he first made contact with the tree.

    “That’s great, Leo! You got it!” Kelly cheered. Her sudden yell caused Leo to shift his concentration slightly, and that was all that was needed to stop the energy flow to his claws.
    His claws instantly stopped glowing and his steady cut through the tree was brought to a halt. Leo felt his claws jar on the bark. He tried to pull them out to try again, but they were stuck fast in the wood.
    Grunting, he used his free hand to try to yank his claws out. He overheard Jay’s laughter, not even trying to hide it anymore. Even though he couldn't turn around to prove it, he was certain that he heard Kelly’s laugh mixed in with Jay’s.
    He huffed in annoyance, planted his feet on the base of the tree, and pulled once more to no avail.

    Forget this, Leo thought as he jumped up and put his feet on either side of his stuck claw so that he was perpendicular with the tree. Leo pushed off with his feet as hard as he could, straining to free his claws.
    He didn’t stop pushing even when he heard a loud “crack” in the wood, though perhaps he should have since it was only a few seconds after that noise when his claw came free and he shot off of the tree and tumbled onto the ground.

    “Are you sure you weren’t a comedian before your memory loss?” Jay asked, barely containing a laugh as he offered his paw to the downed Charmeleon.
    Leo accepted the hand up, and climbed to his feet, pulling his tail off the irritating dirt.

    “Don’t listen to him Leo, you had it. I think that was a Slash attack, a pretty useful move to have in your arsenal,” Kelly said as Leo examined his right arm for any injury.

    “Though we probably should get going and finish this mission before it gets too late,” she suggested, looking up at the sun, which was slowly edging its was toward the western horizon.

    “Agreed,” Leo said, not wanting to spend any more time in this dungeon then he all ready had. It wasn’t because it was challenging, he just didn’t like the feel of being inside of an unstable spatial anomaly.

    Just as they were about to start moving deeper into the Foothills, he heard the voice again.
    “Their aggression would never fade with the passing centuries. Their hatred would grow and increase until the resonance could be felt throughout the world.”

    Leo nearly jumped a mile high when he heard the voice from earlier again in his ear, but before he could tell his teammates about it the ground started rumbling.

    “What’s going on?! Dungeonquake?!” Jay yelled as the ground continued to heave. They all struggled to maintain their foothold on the ground as the quake worsened.
    The trees shook and swayed. Leo saw a few birds flee their nests in terror, as their homes threatened to topple.

    As suddenly as it began, the ground stilled and the quake ceased. “D-did it stop?” Kelly asked.
    Unfortunately for them, that was only the calm before the storm as the rift appeared.

    It was as if someone got a knife and sliced the air between two of the large trees at the opposite side of the clearing, leaving behind a glowing blue line in the air. The line slowly grew in width, revealing a space between the now circular portal.

    Leo was mesmerized at the sight of the strangle enigma.
    “What is that?” Kelly said as images began to take shape inside the portal.

    At first it looked like an Impressionist era painting, but then the blurry landscape on the other side of the portal cleaned up to reveal a dense swampy area covered in moss laden trees and fog.
    There was no way that marsh could have existed anywhere around the steep and dry Foothills. This was a portal to another place in the world.

    Leo was about to turn and flee the anomaly when his entire body went numb, as if some unseen force was holding him still. He turned his head slightly to see that both Jay and Kelly were experiencing something similar.

    From the other side of the rift, Leo heard the thudding of footsteps, heavy, mechanical-like footsteps. The thudding grew increasingly louder as whatever creature they belonged to got closer to the opening in the air.
    Leo was just about to think that the situation couldn’t get any worse when a cold feeling washed over him. It was as if his mind was suddenly stuck in a freezer.
    Leo would have rather put up with the mental cold then hear the voice.

    “Warning: Biotics detected in target destination. Threat level: Indefinite. Code: Trace, Identify, Nullify, Dispatch, Depart. Proceed with biotic-sterilization protocol. Procedure: Engaged.”
    The voice was cold and emotionless, like a machine. Leo was almost certain that this was some sort of fever dream produced by his broken mind. If that’s what this is, then I don’t have to take this seriously, he reasoned as a strange feeling of calmness came over him.

    “What in the name of Mew was that?!” Kelly yelled as the portal glowed bright white and exploded.


    “The variables are in place, and the candidate has received the notice. All that is needed now is his… confirmation. I must report this development. They will be happy to know things are …moving in their favor. But first I feel compelled to inform my other …client that his …investment is starting to … pay off. My employers do not see that their gambit for freedom will lead to … consequences unforeseen. Their actions will be felt across the entire realm.”


    End Chapter Four



    Author’s Notes:
    Finally done! Wow, this chapter took a while to write (even though it was shorter then the last chapter …)
    I decided to not have much happen action-wise in this chapter due to what happens next chapter. Instead, I tried to show a bit of what’s really going on in the world, bad stuff, indeed. Speculation as to what exactly the voice is to begin in three … two … one …
    And yes, I meant “Oren Berry” with an “e” in the job description.

    So, Leo has used his first move, Slash. Even if it was horribly done, it’s still a milestone for him.
    Some parts of it weren’t too fun to write and delayed me quite a bit, but I worked through them in the end.
    Anyways, this is the first chapter where I can say with full confidence that things are starting to happen. That’s right, we’re nearly out of the first arc of the story!

    Moving on, I’d like to thank my beta readers for going through this chapter and helping me fix the errors in it. Without them this would not be nearly as enjoyable for you to read. So again, my thanks to them.

    And finally, I still like hearing from my readers. So feel free to comment on anything that you find interesting, or anything you want to point out in the story.
    Chapter Five will be here eventually, as will the resolution to the cliffhanger I left you all with. So, until then,

    Knightfall signing off …

    Edit: Wow, over 3,000 views!
    Last edited by Knightfall; 24th July 2013 at 11:24 PM.

  13. #63
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    Near the end where you describe the portal as "a impressionist painting" it should be "an"

    I found 2 other minor errors but I'll have to wait until later to point them out.

    Anyway, I recognize a lot of these characters tho the mismagius and magmortar are new to me.

    I wonder why Leo just didn't concentrate again to use slash.

    The plot is definitely picking up, and increasingly paranoid guards will surely be a hassle for Leos group in the future.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Near the end where you describe the portal as "a impressionist painting" it should be "an"

    I found 2 other minor errors but I'll have to wait until later to point them out.
    Fixed, the first one, not the other two. Yet.
    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Anyway, I recognize a lot of these characters tho the mismagius and magmortar are new to me.
    We might be seeing them again in the future, we'll just have to wait and see.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    I wonder why Leo just didn't concentrate again to use slash.

    The plot is definitely picking up, and increasingly paranoid guards will surely be a hassle for Leos group in the future.
    Because, it wouldn't have been funny if he was able to get his claw out of that tree easily. And he doesn't really know how to use it that well yet, so that's another reason why.

    Indeed it is, the next chapter is going to have a lot going on that's plot related. As for this chapter, I was able to fit in some foreshadowing of future events.

    Knightfall signing off...

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    "but it was an easy mission and it was exactly was they needed"
    the second was should be what.

    The scene where Blade jumps on the table and fires 2 leaf blades into golduck, you don't need to mention his name again, just replace it with "and" and remove the period. It makes the sentence flow easier.

    "slight his concentration slightly" while correct could perhaps be worded better.

    I think that's all of them. Oh, I'm not quite sure but I believe you don't need this thing (') wnen saying something belongs to someone. Example, Leos Claws, and when you add the apostraphe it's like this, Leo's Claws = Leo is Claws. I'm not sure if I'm forgetting something with apostraphe use but I believe I'm correct.
    Anyway you have a lot of those.

    *a security token was missing and we couldn't ... blah blah*
    I hate that message.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    I'll get to fixing the first three when I get back to a computer.

    The last one though, I'm pretty sure is correct. It is true that you use an ' to show blank-is but when used with a name or something like that, it makes it possessive.
    So, Leo's claw would be correct.

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    I think that's all of them. Oh, I'm not quite sure but I believe you don't need this thing (') wnen saying something belongs to someone. Example, Leos Claws, and when you add the apostraphe it's like this, Leo's Claws = Leo is Claws. I'm not sure if I'm forgetting something with apostraphe use but I believe I'm correct.
    Actually, Knightfall has it right.

    Now, for my findings(mostly minor):

    “Now, I must inform you all that your stay in our guild is almost over. The Guildmaster requests that your entire team vacate the premises now that all of your wounds have been stabilized and treated. You have fifteen minutes to gather your things and leave,” Rosaline informed the reunited team.
    While it is correct, its a much easier read if you add 'that' where I did for you. Other wise it sounds too formal and uptight, even for this kind of mood.

    “If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of, Madam Lucario, is her name, I believe.
    Should be a semicolon between 'of' and 'Madam', as they are able to be two separate sentences. Alternatively, breaking the sentences up and righting the second one as 'Her name is Madam Lucario, I believe' makes the sentence much easier to read and a lot less jerky.

    “Well, at least we got time to breathe in there,” Leo said snidely to Jay, who was looking very much relieved now that they were out of the guild.
    I don't like the word 'snidely'. Its just weird. It breaks the flow of the sentence up. Though I have no idea how to fix this, its just something to think about.

    “Icarus, I think it’s time you gave us that reward you insisted about not talking about earlier,” Jay said to the Pidgeotto, changing the subject from the guild.
    The first 'about' should be replaced with 'on'. Otherwise you'd have two 'about's within two words of each other :/

    “You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.
    “Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.
    In Kelly's response, 'Me, too' shouldn't be used. He's asking her a question that expects a sort of negative answer. 'Me, too' is the typical response for an agreement in a positive note, if that makes any sense. Saying something like 'No, I'm not either.' would work. In fact, writing her line as: “No, me neither. Actually, I am in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” would work much, much better. In my opinion, at least.

    “So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.
    Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward.
    “H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.
    “You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.
    “Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.
    “G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

    “Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.
    Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

    Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”
    “Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.
    Know what's wrong here? One of the basic rules of dialogue I very much hope you learn quickly: When starting a new dialogue by a different person, it starts a new paragraph. So when ending one persons dialogue(when anothers is about to start), enter, then enter again, then start the next persons dialogue. I dont know if that was just a oversight or what, but you do this throughout the entire chapter. Because it should go:

    “So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.

    Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward. “H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.

    “You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.

    “Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.

    “G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

    “Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.

    Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

    Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”

    “Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.

    Does that help?

    The shop they entered was a small structure that appeared to be built out of an amalgamation of tree trunks and cut rock lashed together with rope. The fact that it was standing was probably breaking several basic laws of physics.
    Brilliant! I love those kind of descriptions. Ah, they make me crack up...

    “Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet.
    That hasn't yet what?, or That hasn't what yet? I feel theres a word missing...

    Remain calm citizens, official Loyalty Square Police business.
    Comma needed between 'calm' and 'citizens'. At least, im pretty sure there needs to be one.

    The five Magnemite that had surrounded the table had swarmed the stunned blue duck Pokemon. They tried to electrocute the Pokemon, but he managed to dodge their charge by jumping to the side.
    the second use of ' the Pokemon' could be changed to 'he/it', and the 'he' after it could be 'the Pokemon'. This spreads the usage of each description to alleviate repetition

    “What in the name of Mew was that?!” Kelly yelled as the portal glowed bright white and exploded.
    i like your use of legendaries as deities that normal pokemon would swear to. However, you already said something similar to that phrase with Arceus earlier. Try mixing it up. So far you have 'What in Arceus' name was that?' or something of that nature, and 'Zapdos save me'. Perhaps try 'By Dialga, what was that?' or something like that. Feel free to think about it. Make up your own swear phrases, if needed.

    Anyways, aside from those minor nitpicks, this was all in all, a great chapter. I love how the mood is a sort of darker tone that the traditional PMD stories. The memory snippets lose me occasionally, but Im sure they'll make sense with time.
    Last edited by Brutaka; 4th August 2012 at 1:51 AM.
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  18. #68
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    Thanks Knightfall and Brutaka for correcting my assumption of being correct, a simple dive through my memories of english class reaffirmed that I was wrong.

    Holy Pokeballs, Brutaka, you noticed a ton of stuff more than 4 people combined, though with the magmortars line, it is said fine since he is referring to that place being the only one who has not banned them from that locale. Made perfect sense to me anyway.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Holy Pokeballs, Brutaka, you noticed a ton of stuff more than 4 people combined, though with the magmortars line, it is said fine since he is referring to that place being the only one who has not banned them from that locale. Made perfect sense to me anyway.
    Well...
    "We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet. "
    The two parts dont agree 100%. I get what he's saying, but even still. I think
    "We can’t get banned from here; it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t banned us yet. "
    would be better, or even
    "We can’t get banned from here, since it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet." (though even this one doesnt sound great.)

    The second half just isnt complete to me.

    Maybe "We can’t let them give us a ban here; it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet." though that might be changing it too much :/
    And as far as noticing stuff, I kept what JX Valentine said to me on my story in my mind and I basically proofread as I read the story.
    Last edited by Brutaka; 4th August 2012 at 4:16 AM.
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    Thanks, Brutaka. I'll get to fixing those in a minute. I'll see what I can do about that line Blaize (Magmortar) has, hopefully I can clear that up.
    As Azurus said, you noticed a lot of errors that eluded not only myself, but my editing crew as well. So, thanks for shedding light on that.

    Oh yeah, anyone who can guess what I based this voice off of gets a cookie:

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    “Warning: Biotics detected in refuge destination. Threat level: Indefinite. Code: Trace, Identify, Nullify, Dispatch, Depart. Proceed with biotic-sterilization protocol. Procedure: Engaged.”
    Knightfall signing off ...

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    If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of, Madam Lucario, is her name, I believe.
    I just realized there was something wrong in my fixing of this sentence. Or, at least something I needed to mention. The comma between 'Lucario' and 'is' is wrong. While you still need the semicolon where I told you, the simplest fix to that quote would actually be.
    "If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of; Madam Lucario is her name, I believe."
    The reason the comma isn't supposed to be there is because your not addressing her. The times when you'd use commas like what be like "Lucario, look at that!" and not when saying things like "Lucario looked at that."
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 31% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  22. #72
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    Looks like I don't get a cookie, there could be several voices used, tho I want to think of someone from Portal since I haven't played Half-life and from what I know of you those are what play most. I don't know about movies tho.

    Also make sure to seperate all dialogue into new paragraphs as warranted, it looks like you just did Brutakas example.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  23. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Looks like I don't get a cookie, there could be several voices used, tho I want to think of someone from Portal since I haven't played Half-life and from what I know of you those are what play most. I don't know about movies tho.
    I've played Portal 2, and i dont think its anything from there...

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Also make sure to seperate all dialogue into new paragraphs as warranted, it looks like you just did Brutakas example.
    yea, what Azurus said. I thought I told you that you did the same thing throughout the whole chapter...
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 31% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  24. #74
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    I did what Brutaka suggested, and used his example, but I wasn't able to edit the entire chapter's dialogue yet, because I had something to do.
    I'll edit it fully in a little while.

    And as for that voice, I'll give you a hint: it's the same voice actor as GLaDOS, different game.

    Knightfall signing off...

  25. #75
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    Combine Overwatch Half life 2? If it is, it is quite fitting.

    A simple asking of my brother revealed such things to me.

    It's like your giving away cookies.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

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