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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

  1. #76
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    Eh, the Combine Overwatch guys from Half-Life 2?

    EDIT: arg, Azurus beat me :/
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  2. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Eh, the Combine Overwatch guys from Half-Life 2?

    EDIT: arg, Azurus beat me :/
    How did I beat you? That was an entire 3 minutes after I posted, I think you just want a cookie too.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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  3. #78
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    no, i was checking Wikipedia and i hadnt reloaded the page before posting :/
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  4. #79
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    Both of you are correct, and Azurus, your brother has a fine taste in games .
    I based that voice off the Overwatch voice from HL2, and it does it, even if it is for reasons that only I know.

    Here are your rewards: Cookies
    Have fun.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  5. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    “I’m…not sure what’s going on anymore. Things are changing: guards are everywhere, He is always here, and they’re not telling us anything anymore. They’re hiding something, the administrator, I’m certain he’s in on it …. I’m going to find out what it is … I’m not sure what will happen to me, but I can’t go back. Not now, they know. Somehow, they know that I’m on to them, so it’s no use playing dumb. Not anymore.
    I’m going to go …. into the restricted areas tomorrow, to see what I can find.
    If I don’t come back ... whoever is reading this needs to make sure that what they’re doing is exposed … whatever that may be.”
    [i]Last known entry from the private journal of Ian the Breloom, former member of Team Frontier. Confirmed missing the day after this journal entry and has not been heard from since
    Oh, but I do so enjoy the random quotes at the beginning of each chapter. They hint at so much.

    Within the darkness of the dream, something stirred. At first, they sounded like distant voices, but like a tidal wave approaching shore, their soft whispers grew until they resembled the tortured screams of the damned.
    Leo clutched the sides of his head in an attempt to block out their screams, but he heard them anyways as their amplified voices circled around him.
    I like the first paragraph. Good imagery. The second paragraph, I would maybe change the bolded part to read something like "but they broke through this barrier". It's a little more powerful, and I don't dig the "anyway" anyway.

    “Reality is the story the mind tells itself. A truth so strange it can only be lied into existence and our minds can lie. Never doubt it.”

    “What’s this? Real, or just my lying mind again?”
    The first bolded section, I just don't get. Am I reading it wrong? It doesn't seem to make sense. Is that the point? The seconded bolded part I'm ASSUMING is supposed to be "reality", not "real".

    “Unless you wish for your mind’s descent into madness to accelerate, I suggest you wake up, Leo. Wake up … and see past the corruption.”
    I'm telling you: grammar errors and the like aside, I am amazingly impressed at your storytelling for someone your age. This section was really a great tease. Whose voices are these? What are they saying? Good questions!

    Leo awoke with a start.
    Kind of a cliche. I would avoid that and maybe just skip to the next line about his flailing and what not.

    Deciding that nothing productive would come of him staying in bed, he swung his legs over the side of the haystack and he hopped down.
    The bolded part should be "of HIS staying". EVERYONE makes that mistake, though, so no worries. The noun of that sentence is actually "staying", since it is a gerund, so you use the adjective "his" to describe the staying. Does that make sense? I'm awful at describing the rules of grammar.

    Leo looked up at his rescuer, she, or at least it sounded feminine, appeared to be a walking plant blub with a red, oversized, hat-like flower set almost sideways on her leaf green “hair”. Her pale white face was looking down on her renegade patient with a mixture of concern and disapproval.
    I would set the bolded part off with parentheses instead of commas, since the section in there is less important than the rest of the sentence. Maybe "she (at least it sounded feminine to Leo) appeared..." Also, I can't quite distinguish what this is. I thought a Vileplume at first with the red oversized flower, but then the green hair threw me off. Bellosom? But a pale white face? Darn, I can't picture this pokemon.

    he plant-bulb Pokemon chuckled at the scene. Leo looked up at her with a small dribble of Pecha juice remaining on his lips, which he cleaned with a swipe of his tongue. He didn’t care if she thought him as ill-mannered, odd, or just plain weird; that berry was perhaps the best experience he’d had so far in this world, and he wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it for him.
    Cute paragraph. I enjoyed that.

    The nurse sensed his confusion. “I’m a Lilligant; my species aren’t normally seen around here, so I’m not surprised that you don’t know. You may call me Rosaline.”
    Oh damn! Lilligant. Shoulda known that.

    Just as the nurse was about to resort to using a Sleep Seed she carried on her for such a situation, the door opened and in walked Jay, Kelly, and to Leo’s surprise, Icarus. All of them looking healthy and happy, except Icarus who was not pleased with the sling his right wing was set in.
    Maybe change that to say "except Icarus, who seemed displeased with the..." or something like that. It's a small thing, but it maintains consistency of narration. Leo doesn't KNOW Icarus is displeased, so as a narrator, he has to guess at it (much like the narration notes that Jay and Kelly LOOK happy and healthy).

    Leo’s heart flooded with relief. “You’re alright, that’s … great,” he said, his breaths slowing as his fear induced heart rate returned to normal.
    Just a pet peeve of mine: "Alright" is not a word. It's okay for colloquial writing (like on Twitter or Facebook or in a private message), but if you are writing "professionally" or for a project, it should be "all right". It's not like All ready and already where it is its own separate word.

    “This is a hospital. Not an arena. If you wish to carry on your argument, you will do so outside. Do you understand?” she scolded as she slowly let go of their mouths.
    Rosaline is, of course, another fun Knightfall secondary character. I already have the sense of her character. She is warm and caring, but also very strict in adherence to rules and standards.

    Leo shook her hands off his head, “You’re asking the amnesiac if he remembers anything. That makes perfect sense,” Leo said with a laugh.
    Ha!

    “Well, a Psychic Pokemon who’s very developed in their abilities could delve into Leo’s mind and attempt to remove the amnesia, but if one thing goes wrong, it could land your friend with a much bigger problem then missing memories,” she elaborated.
    The bolded part should be "his or her" (or just "his" or "her" if Rosaline has a particular psychic type in mind) to maintain consistency with the subject.

    “Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.
    Heh. Cute line.

    -Actually, on my way here, I noticed something, but did not quote it: You describe the foyer of the hospital as being amazingly large to Leo, and then said something like "as any rescue team member could tell you, it was 10 feet tall" or something. That's another break in narrative consistency since Leo doesn't know that. I would just stick to saying Leo thought it was really big, and noticed it should be able to securely contain even a large Onix.

    “Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t locked their doors to us yet. See you both around, and good luck with your future rescuin’,” Blaize told them as he and his group hastily exited the building before said management could get onto them.
    I'm curious as to whether Blaize is actually a good guy or not. He seems willing to break basic laws just for fun (using his attacks in public), and just seems....kind of gruff. I'm keeping an eye on him!

    The green gecko grinned, “Thanks mate, appreciate it,” he said as he called for his two companions to take their places at the table. One was a regal looking creature with white fur and a sharp black crescent attached to the side of his head, and the other was a dragon with large red eyes and a pair of diamond-shaped wings on its back.
    I feel better that ever since the Lilligant, I've been able to discern everything else you've described (the Magmortar, Mismagius [I think], and now Grovyle, Absol, and Flygon [I'm a little shaky on Flygon, but I think that's it]). Good job describing all of them.

    “See past the corruption …” Leo jerked his head up, suddenly alert.

    He quickly looked around the table: Jay and Kelly were talking, as were Blade, Elliot, and Sonic, and no one was behind him. Who said that?, Leo pondered, as his thoughts were suddenly cut short by a loud burst of familiar static.
    Oh ho ho! How intriguing. I wonder if this is just an odd flashback or memory cued by something around Leo, or if the voice is speaking to him again now that he's awake. Very nice work. And, it seems, as soon as the question arises, it looks like it's going to get buried as the Magnemites (yay!) hit the scene. Good, solid tease.


    -Okay, I'm about to eat breakfast and spend some morning time with the wife. Hopefully I will have a chance to finish this chapter's review later this afternoon!


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  6. #81
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    Oh, wow Sid, I didn't even catch most of that. Of Course, I didn't start actually proofreading until a little bit into the story, but even still, you caught a lot. I'm sure Knightfall will appreciate it.
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  7. #82
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    Of course I appreciate it!
    I went ahead and fixed all the errors you pointed out.
    I'm hoping that this chapter is an improvement over the last ones since you've pointed out less errors then usual and you're more then half-way through the chapter.
    The quotes at the beginning are supposed to be that way: confusing and not making much sense. After all I got the two quotes in question from a schizophrenic scientist: Doug Rattmann.
    When it says "What's this? Real ..." the word "real" is refering to if what he's seeing is real, not a hallucination. So I guess "reality" could work as well, but I like it as is.

    I eagerly await the rest of your review, and I hope you enjoyed your breakfast with your wife.
    I'm working on the next section of the review for Brother's, and let me say, I loved the latest chapter.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  8. #83
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    “BZZT! Remain calm, citizens, official Loyalty Square Police business. Stay back,” one of the units said. Leo wasn’t paying attention to him, he, along with everybody else in the room was looking around the Magnemite to see what was going on.
    After "Leo wasn't paying attention to him" should be a semi-colon, not a comma. Or a period. Also, after "everyone else in the room" should be a comma to fully separate the clause from the rest of the sentence.

    The Pokemon desperately looked at the other Pokemon, “I haven’t done anything wrong! What are you doing?!” he yelled as the Magnemite tightened their circle around him.
    That first bit reads really awkwardly. Just say "The Golduck" so as not to repeat "pokemon" (especially since one instance is singular and the other is plural.

    The units continued firing their attacks despite the risk of hitting the other Pokemon. Jack’s hands glowed again and this time he sent a wave of psychic energy at the police units, knocking the remaining five units backwards.
    Another case where I think another word would work because there are a lot of things "pokemon" could be referring to here. I'd change it to "by-standers" or "patrons" or "customers".

    After the Magnemite left, the patrons started murmuring and conversing once more. Leo could hear only snippets of their hushed dialogue, “… again, it’s happened again.”, “Jack never did anything …”, “… third raid this week ...”, “… to far this time …”
    So this pretty much confirms that the Magnemites (or the regime they work for) is corrupt. That explains WHAT the voice in Leo's head is saying, if not what the voice itself is. Who is it that knows what's going on? How are they in Leo's head? So interesting.

    Leo snapped back into focus when Jay tapped him on his back, “I think it’s time we go. We don’t want to stay here too long, otherwise we’ll be the next ones offending one of their asinine laws,” Jay warned as Leo nodded, taking a last look at the overturned table and the many smoking scorch marks in the walls and furniture.
    The "as" there implies that Leo is nodding before Jay even finishes talking, so...what is he nodding to? I'd change that to an "and".

    Once they had departed the café, they parted ways with Blade and his team who told them to watch their backs as they left. Apparently, Jay had also been to the job boards while he was dealing with Icarus and accepted a mission, though he never got the chance to tell them in the restaurant.
    Couple things here: There should be a comma before the bolded "who", and the accepted should be "had accepted" since the first verb is "had also been".

    “What you weren’t able to do yesterday against Jumpluff. Hopefully, we can jog your memory and get a move or two back,” Jay told him, as they all stopped in the middle of a clearing ringed by trees. “This should be a good place.”
    I don't know if it's supposed to be, but the "What you weren't able to do yesterday" line got a chuckle out of me. Especially because it was Jay and not Kelly. I just read it as sarcastic, I guess.

    Even though he could turn around to prove it, he was certain that he heard Kelly’s laugh mixed in with Jay’s.
    Is that supposed to be "couldn't"? Since he's stuck in the tree?


    -Congrats on your 3000+ views.

    -I like the introduction of the mysterious inner voice. Obviously (well, maybe not, but it seems so to me), the scientists from the prologue had something to do with it; they seemed pretty unhappy with their king, too. But what do they know about the pokemon world? Hmmm.

    -The pacing is still fantastic for a story that still has far to go. Like you said, Leo JUST learned an attack, and this story's got to be, what, 40+ pages in a word processor? At least, right?

    -You are correct in that there were many fewer basic errors at this point, so good work on getting through those!

    -Also, on a selfish note, I'm glad you are still enjoying Brothers' Bond, and I look forward to your next batch of thoughts when you get a chance to finish them.
    Last edited by Sid87; 5th August 2012 at 8:55 PM.


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  9. #84
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    "third raid this week...to far this time." the "to" should be "too", correct?


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
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    Thanks Sid, I fixed them all. Some of those were just grammar errors that got overlooked.

    I'm glad you've noticed the voice and the events that happen after Leo hears it. I can tell you that it is a single voice in his head, and that you can expect more "direct intervention" from it in the future.
    Ah the human world, what mysteries abound within it! Unfortunately the time has not come to reveal those details yet, but I can tell you that the humans and the voice Leo is hearing aren't as closely related as you might think.
    The cause for the voice is elsewhere.

    It's long, the storyboard where the plot is outlined is about twenty-four pages long. The chapters (prologue excluded) can range anywhere from fifteen to twenty-five pages. With all four chapters and prologue it's about 86 pages long ... God, did I really write that much? And there's still so much left to do... wow.

    I'm glad my grammar is improving, and this is the first chapter I've sent through a Beta Reader before posting, so that got rid of a lot of errors. And my other reviewers seemed to be having a contest on how many errors they could find .... though I'm fine with that!

    That's my next goal along with Chapter Five: catch up to the current chapter in your fic.

    I'm glad you're enjoying this, and I hope to continue to write quality stuff for you to read.

    Oh, and Azurus, you are correct with the "to" needing to be a "too". Another simple grammar oversight.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  11. #86
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    Sorry for the late review.

    First off thanks for the PM. Didn't realize you were doing that till now.

    Great chapter overall, although I expected it to explain just a little more how Jay and Kelly got back, considering the huge hoard of pokemon attacking them described last chapter.

    The restaurant fight scene was done very well, and Leo finally used a move!!

    Finally,the new banner is much better than the old one. And thanks for putting an absol in!!
    Read Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown by Knightfall!



    He's serious.

  12. #87
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    It's all right, any review is perfectly welcome at any time.

    I just started doing that, I figured it'd be more efficient to let people know there's a new chapter out.

    They told Leo that their badges brought them and Icarus back to the guild, but Leo was delayed by a few minutes due to connection difficulties.

    Thank you, that scene was a last mintue addition, and I was worried about how it would come out. Glad you liked it.
    And yes, Leo has finally used a move. Will he get the hang of it though? Find out next chapter.

    I have Brutaka to thank for the banner, his work is awesome. And the Absol was a character I planned on having for a little while now, but I'm glad you like him all the same.

    Anyways, Chapter Five's progress is in my signature. I'm trying my best to get it completed in a shorter time span then the others. So, wish me luck.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  13. #88
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    This Story has a Jolteon in it!!!! ;D It took me about 1 hour to read up to read up to here, so far I like it! I didn't find any errors, I think that's because other people got to them first. You have a new reader.




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    I take it you like Jolteon.
    Thank you for reading this; it's great to know I can attract new readers.

    Anyways, glad you're enjoying this, and there will be more of Kelly in the story.
    Chapter Five is coming along very well, I hope to have it completed very soon.

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Hmmm ... this is an interesting intake of you PMD saga.

    The first human experiment to ever arrived in the Pokemon world. But those scientists make it kind of vague.

    But he started in a forbidden dungeon? Wow! Talk about like he entered like a gateway to the unknown. Much like Twilight princess in a way of holes in a dungeon.

    I think yours got a nice input of the Medieval conflicts like that treason of Golduck, if I'm right. Or even on Gear's case of orders. I guess our hero's case would be good enough for him to escape.
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

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    Thank you for commenting, I always like it when a new reader shows up.

    The prologue was deliberately made to be somewhat vague, so there's still an air of mystery about what their true intentions were.

    Glad you like the concept of the forbidden dungeon, it was actually a last minute idea I wrote in shortly before I posted the chapter. The idea of a dungeon trapping you inside was too good to pass up.

    The whole conflict between the police and the citizens was another last minute idea, though it looks like it went over quite well. We'll be seeing more of this in the future, so I won't say too much now.

    Anyways, I'm glad that you like my humble work of fiction, and I hope to continue producing more enjoyable work.

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Default Chapter Five: Interference

    Author’s Warning: This chapter does contain some content that actually reaches the PG-13 rating I put on this story. It’s only for a few scenes, so I think it’s all right for most people. Just keep that in mind.

    Chapter Five: Interference


    “… In short, the Intradimensional rifts appearing between the spatial anomalies known as Mystery Dungeons are a phenomenon of unexplained proportions. Commonly known as Dungeon Links, these tears in the dimensional fabric occasionally appear within dungeons, serving as temporary spans across time and space variants allowing for instant traveling between dungeons that are far in proximity from each other.
    As far as we can tell, these Links follow a set pattern, appearing in the same dungeons every time. It is unknown how these rifts were created, though several theories are in circulation, which will be discussed at another time.

    We thank the esteemed explorer, Dusknoir, for sharing his vast wisdom on this matter, and his strange knowledge of next week’s lunch schedule. And as a note to all employees, if anyone knows of this “Grovyle” Pokemon he’s talking about, then please by all means, contact an administrator.”

    Excerpt from the report of Trinity Isle Research and Archive associate, Alakazam, on the enigmatic Dungeon Link. Published approximately three and a half years ago.




    Leo found that the paralysis on his body had lifted as he was blown backwards from the shattering portal. As he tried to get his bearings in his dizzied state, he was suddenly greeted with a grating, mechanical voice.

    “I refuse! They can’t possibly be that much of a threat!” the clearly masculine voice said. Leo cringed as the shrill sound of it was equal to a dozen chalkboards being scratched by razor blades.

    “Priority code: detain, disinfect, dispose,” the cold feminine voice was completely opposite from the prior voice.
    Leo’s vision slowly cleared, and as it did so, his jaw dropped at what he saw. An unholy lovechild of tank and crab stood in front of where the portal used to be, its sturdy, blue legs stretching up to give it a view of the area.

    “Lugia’s storm … w-what is that?” Jay asked, fear penetrating every syllable of his question. Neither Leo nor Kelly had the answer to his question, or had time to give him one, as the creature started to move again.

    The giant crab tank swiftly turned around to face the stunned team, its blood red eyes looking at them for a moment before shifting to another object.

    “You didn’t say this would happen! Why didn’t you tell me I’d have to do this?!” It wasn’t a normal question, it was a crazed plea to an unknown entity.

    In the midst of his confusion at nearly everything that was happening, Leo found an answer as to who “you” was when the cold, feminine voice spoke again.

    “Infestation detected within proximity. Code: Sanitize, Expunge, Relocate.”
    The emotionless voice seemed to resonate from within the creature’s discus-shaped head, seemingly acting as a guiding voice to its lost host.

    “I-I can’t! I can’t kill them! Don’t make me do it! Please!” the creature cried, its red eyes almost in tears.

    “Malcompliance behaviors within Metagross: Wire unit will not be tolerated. Code: comply, control, counter, cauterize.”

    Leo cautiously backed away from the steel monster, which seemed to be in the midst of a mental breakdown. He gave a panicked glance to both of his teammates who seemed to have the same idea: get out of here without getting his attention.

    “Contagions escaping containment area! Infection imminent! Code: cull, cleanse, clot,” the voice shrieked as the Metagross shook his head in deranged disagreement.

    “No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I won’t do it! Don’t make me!” the giant Pokemon shrieked, pleading with the voice inside his head.

    “When your mind has trapped you within itself, what else can you do but scream?”

    The voice sent shivers down Leo’s spine. He looked quickly to his teammates, shaking away the voice and the bad omens it brought whenever it spoke. It was time to leave, and no voice inside his head was going to stop them. With a nod from Jay, they all turned away from the malfunctioning Metagross and began to sprint to the nearest dungeon path out of the room.

    “Biogen breach! Code: override, containment field initiate!” the controlling voice shouted as Wire gave one last, agonized scream.
    Not one of the team turned around to look, though they didn’t have a choice as they all ran face-first into a wall of invisible energy. The transparent wall rippled slightly as it bounced the members of Team Salient backwards, sending them sprawling on the ground.

    Rubbing his sore nose, Leo dizzily turned around to see why they were trapped this time.

    The Metagross unit shuddered, its four, metal legs stumbling around inside the ring of psychic energy it had created. Leo, you can’t escape the psychopath who’s trying to kill you by running away; that’d be too easy. How silly of me to forget, Leo grimly thought as the Pokemon who trapped them spoke.

    “Testing, testing, one, two, three. Good, that’s still functioning. Overriding my counter-part isn’t always this successful. Now, what do I do with you three? Killing you is logical and disposing of your bodies has a ninety-two-point-five percent chance of success,” the Metagross said, its voice, however, not sounding anything like the slightly crazed, male tone they’d heard seconds before.
    Swallowing her fear, Kelly took a step forward to the Pokemon that was now possessed by it’s own mind.

    “What do you want? Why did you trap us here?” she asked, as the Metagross carefully eyed her.

    “Your actions are causing complications to arise within our benefactor’s campaign. We have been dispatched to neutralize the threat … well, at least I was. Wire wasn’t so keen on accepting this mission as you can tell,” she said with indifference, as she began to circle around the team.

    “Please don’t! Please don’t! Nexus, please don’t!” Wire’s distant voice continued to cry as Nexus repressed him further within his own mind.

    “We haven’t done anything though!” she exclaimed as the Metagross narrowed its eyes, clearly bypassing what she’d just said completely.

    “You have willingly cooperated with enemies of the Colonies. Now feel free to take a look through the swiftly closing aperture that remains of your lives. Engage!”

    As soon as the last word passed through her voice processors, Leo, Kelly, and Jay were somehow lifted into the air by the Metagross and thrown violently against the energy barrier she had created.

    He was sure he heard something inside his chest crack as he slid down to the ground, but he didn’t have time to properly examine himself as Nexus charged at him at a speed Leo thought impossible to achieve.

    He quickly ducked to the side as a giant steel-spiked foot planted itself in the barrier where his head was seconds before. Unable to grab his exploration bag on the ground without getting flattened, he continued to play chicken with the rushing Nexus.

    “You are aiding the corruption! Can’t you see?! You’re collaborating with traitorrraaaaaaaaahhhh!” Nexus screamed as her body was roped with chains of electricity. She stopped her efforts to reduce Leo’s skull to a waffle and shifted her attention to Kelly.

    Kelly let loose another lightning attack from her charged fur as Nexus attempted to crush her with her legs. Leo groaned as a panting Jay quickly helped him to his feet.

    “What’s going on?!” Leo yelled as Kelly was psychically thrown into the barrier by Nexus, causing her issue a pained yelp followed by a curse to Thundurus. She yelled in pain as she tried to run, lifting her left hind leg above the ground. Out of breath, Jay quickly mumbled something about his badge and escaping to Leo as he dashed to the opposite side of the death-ring.

    Jay ran and scooped up his bag off the ground while Nexus was occupied with trying to permanently incapacitate Kelly. She was still somehow able to dodge the attacks despite her fractured hind leg, though the pain it caused her was sure to be immense.

    As Jay turned his bag upside down and fervently looked for his badge, Leo tried to concentrate a Slash attack and simultaneously ignore the shooting pain in his chest.

    Within seconds both sets of his claws became energized, and he ran directly at Nexus, who was about to flatten an exhausted Kelly.

    Whatever remained of his sane mind screamed that this was a horrible idea and that he was going to die in his foolish attempt to help her, but he pushed it aside as he leapt past Nexus’s armored legs and onto the center of her head.

    His claws still glowing with energy, Leo gripped onto the silver, X-shaped mustache on Nexus’s face. He held on as he prayed that Kelly got herself to safety.

    This action didn’t go unnoticed by the possessed Metagross, who halted her execution of Kelly and proceeded to try and buck Leo off her head, screaming unsavory curses at him all the while. All through this, the faint cries of Wire still emitted from the Metagross as he tried to regain control of his body.

    Just as Leo felt as if he was going to see the apples he ate earlier again, Nexus raised one of her legs, used the spikes on the ends of it to pinch Leo’s leg, and detached him from her face. His Slash-powered claws faded as his grip failed.

    She dangled Leo in the air for a split second, as if deciding the most efficient way to break every bone in his body before she raised her leg back and hurtled him at the psychic barrier.

    Leo heard another audible crack as his ribs lit on fire. Yeah, definitely broken. Hu-rah, he thought morbidly as he painfully picked himself up.
    He got to his feet and walked, thankful that his body was producing numbing adrenaline as he looked over to his teammates.
    His rodeo with Nexus had lasted only a few seconds, but to Leo it felt like it had lasted hours.
    Jay held his badge in his hands as he jabbed the center button repeatedly, but he was interrupted when Nexus’s leg slammed into his back, knocking him to the ground and sent his badge skidding across the dirt.

    “A predictable move for a Fighting type, taking the cowardly way out instead of facing up to the danger that threatens you and your teammates. I thought it would be the Charmeleon who tried to abandon ship first, but apparently I was wrong,” Nexus sneered as she psychically picked up the Riolu and his badge until he was level with her face.

    “There is no place in the world for cowards like you,” she stated as she focused her mind to blast Jay backwards into the wall. She dropped his badge to the ground and smashed it with her spiked foot, the remains sparking slightly. Not sure of what he was doing, Leo leaped at Nexus, claws ready.



    “Nexus, stop! No!” Wire screamed from inside his own mind, as he watched his body produced a psychic field and tossed around the innocent Riolu like a kit’s toy.

    “You refused to cooperate and accomplish the task at hand, so I took the liberty of doing it for you. My guidance wasn’t enough for you, it seems. You know how draining overriding you is on me, so don’t think I’m doing this for my own reasons. It’s for the best,” Nexus responded to the trapped Metagross personality as she slammed his foot down, almost crushing the limping Kelly.

    Wire said nothing as the Charmeleon ran forward to protect the Riolu, he watched as his front left leg straighten out and swing at the fire type’s head.

    Wire growled, “You can’t kill them, Nexus. This is my body, not yours.”



    Leo had just enough time to help Jay off the ground before he heard another roar from the steel crab. He turned around to face the creature only to catch a brief glimpse of one of its legs swinging toward his head.

    Before he could react to the imminent threat, the limb connected. To Leo, it felt like a freight train had collided with the side of his head. Leo thought he would see stars, but an entire galaxy of supernovas filled his vision.

    He couldn’t hear anything beyond the intense ringing in his ears and his own heartbeat. His heartbeat, combined with the flashes of white-hot pain from his skull were the only sensations telling him he wasn’t yet dead.

    Maybe it was his body’s ability to heal remarkably fast, or just the adrenaline numbing the pain—Leo suspected the later— but after what only seemed a minute, he recovered most of his senses of sight and hearing. His head still hurt felt like it had been used as a wreaking ball on a building filled with primed dynamite, but he staggered to his feet regardless.

    The first thing he saw was Jay playing a deadly game of chicken with the Metagross’s iron legs, deftly sprinting and changing direction as he ran around the beast. He suddenly stopped and slammed a glowing fist in the center of the “X” formed on its face.

    The living computer let out a primal screech and let loose a Psychic attack at Jay. Leo watched his teammate get shoved into the dirt at sonic speeds. Nexus raised leg over Jay, and with no warning, she slammed it down.



    It took all of his remaining strength, but Wire managed to regain control of his front leg, and halt its downward trajectory centimeters from the bracing Riolu’s face.

    He managed to shove his limb away from the rescue team member as a wave of agony washed over him. He felt his body’s psychic powers activate as an infuriated Nexus hurtled the Riolu across the arena into the barrier. Jay fell to the dirt for a moment, as he tired and failed to get back up, refusing to give up the privilege of consciousness.

    “This is treason, you know that? Of course you do. You may be the weaker of the two of us, but I know for a fact you’re not defective. An incompetent moron, yes, but not defective. Our benefactors will not be pleased when they find out about your decision to forego their orders,” Nexus scolded her counterpart, as Wire ignored her, and concentrated on forcing his body’s Bullet Punch attack to miss the fatigued Jolteon by a hair.

    “You can’t keep this up, you know that, right? By the time my override of your body wears off, these pests’ corpses will be picked clean by passing Mandibuzz. There is nothing you can do, Wire. I’m not bragging, it’s an objective fact,” she said, as she tore his leg away from his control and swung it at the Charmeleon. Wire wasn’t able to stop it, but he managed to make the hit land hard on the Charmeleon’s stomach instead of lopping his head clean off as Nexus had intended.

    “You can’t fight two battles at once, Nexus. I’ll defeat myself if I must,” Wire grunted, as he attempted to make his body fall to the ground.



    “We’ll see about that, you half byte program,” Nexus growled, as her body shuddered slightly.

    Leo doubled over, as he stumbled out of range of the Metagross. Collasping to his hands and knees, he couldn’t hold back the burning bile from his stomach, as he heaved most of what he’d eaten that day onto the dirt. Coughing hard, he tried to coax air back into his lungs.
    He had no time to register the amount of pain he was in, as he saw a circular shadow rise above him. His mind shut down and his body took over, instinctively forcing him to roll to the left on the ground.

    The ground shook slightly as Nexus rammed one of her front legs into the spot where Leo’s body had been a second before.
    Just then, a bolt of lightning shot over his head. He heard Kelly let out a war-like cry and tackle the Metagross full force. She collided with the steel exterior of the Pokemon, her charged fur sending waves of electricity through the monster tank.

    Nexus let out an involuntary yell as the energy coursed through her extremely conductive, steel body. Kelly fell to the ground in a heap, grimacing as she landed on her injured hind leg.

    “Leo, … run,” she gasped right before she was psychically hoisted into the air and brutally slammed into the barrier. Her limp form slid to the ground; she barely kept conscious as she slowly tried to get back up again.

    Nexus surveyed her surroundings, apparently pleased at seeing both Jay and Kelly barely conscious, and she turned her attention to Leo. He felt as if his body was paralyzed; he couldn’t move, he couldn’t flee, he couldn’t help his friends, he couldn’t do anything but stare as Nexus slowly approached him like the grim reaper. Her precise movements and cold, locking, stare proved more than capable of causing Leo’s legs to instinctively step backwards until his back was against the barrier.

    “Charmeleon, you and your comrade’s crimes merit capital punishment. My benefactor was very much displeased with the news of your team’s actions in exposing one of our most successful espionage rings, and rescuing our prisoner of war,” Nexus said, as she slowly closed the gap between them. Leo gulped in fear.

    “I would have very much liked to converse with the Riolu instead, but I sense something … different about you. It’s an intangible quality that makes you different then nearly every other Pokemon I’ve threatened before.” She got close to him and lifted her body up. Her face soon became only inches away from his, her fiery eyes boring into his skull.

    “Tell me, what makes you so different? Wait. Why don’t I just take a look inside your mind and find out for myself?” she said as her eyes flashed golden for an instant. Leo shut his eyes and braced for whatever she was about to do to him, but after a few seconds of relatively nothing happening he gained the courage to open his eyes.

    As soon as his eyes made contact with hers, he knew he fell for her trap. He couldn’t move at all, but he could feel her, casually browsing through his memories and the events of the past few days, unable to do anything to stop her. She ignored his efforts and occasionally mumbled to herself when she came across something interesting.

    “My, my, you have some serious issues: major amnesia of the cerebrum, potential schizophrenia, and countless other problems. I think I might be doing the world a favor by killing a developing psychopath like you,” she said dully as he felt her leaf through through the pages of his mind

    “Ah. Here it is,” she said wickedly as she found what she was looking for. Leo fought one last time to force her form his head, but Nexus merely chuckled.

    “What’s so horrible that you can’t even trust your own teammates with it? Did you murder someone? You did, didn’t you?” she guessed with a metallic laugh.

    Leo felt his anger rising. The only people allowed in my head are me, and a chorus of haunting voices! No one else!
    As if something heard his thought, he felt the paralysis of his right arm fade just enough for him to regain control. Not about to waste the opportunity, he quickly produced a sloppily made Slash attack, and brought his energized claws down onto her armored face.

    The possessed Metagross screamed in pain as she backed away from the Charmeleon slightly. With her concentration broken, Leo was freed from her psychic paralysis. He tried to run, but his legs wouldn’t respond out of sheer exhaustion.

    Nexus yelled and immediately grabbed Leo with her Psychic and slammed him against the barrier. She raised her left leg and pressed it against his chest.
    If she could, she would have smiled as she pushed her leg into him, squishing him between the barrier and her foot.

    “You know what’s funny? I’m possibly the most advanced collection of knowledge on the entire planet that’s ever existed, and I’m stuck doing a filthy bounty hunter’s job catching you idiots. Even though you’re about to die, I feel compelled to impart some of my knowledge onto your pathetic mind before you go,” she said, enunciating each syllable with pure loathing.

    “Did you know? Pressure,” she said as she pushed Leo against the field.

    “is the ratio of force,” Nexus pressed harder against the pinned Charmeleon,

    “to the area over which that force is distributed. Interesting fact, no?” Nexus gloated as Leo’s entire chest began to feel the surface of the sun as Nexus continued to ramble on how he and his worthless friends would soon be destroyed.

    His ribs sent lightning to his nerves, forcing tears into his eyes as he tried not to pass out.
    Air swiftly became a luxury he could no longer afford as the Metagross slowly crushed the life out of him. He faintly heard someone --- Kelly, possibly --- yelling his name in the distance, but he knew she was in no state to fight, let alone save his life.

    His as lungs began to suffocate; he felt his heart speed up, using his remaining oxygen to power his mind for one last time. All this time the fire in his chest kept building up until it felt like someone has ignited a furnace inside his lungs.
    The heat grew hotter and expanded in his lungs. In his weakening state, he didn’t know what his body was doing, but simply went along with it. An instant later, the fire in his chest ached to be released; it rose from his lungs and burned in his throat.

    Not caring about the potential consequences, he opened his mouth and exhaled the remaining air from his lungs.
    The heat suddenly forced its way from throat and out his mouth, combusting into a ball of fire as it touched the air. Leo’s head jerked back from the recoil as the newly formed Ember attack collided with Nexus’s face, exploding in a flash of fire and ash.




    Nexus screeched, both inside and outside of her mind, as she staggered backwards from Leo, releasing her death grip on him. She swung her head side to side trying to alleviate the burn.
    Wire would have grinned if he had a physical body to do so, the Charmeleon had performed better then he’d thought. I can still end this on my terms.

    He’d had enough of this fight. He had to end it before she killed one of them. Wire concentrated his psyche and tackled his distracted counter-part with every bit of his mental strength. Nexus was broadsided by the onslaught from her physical and mental fronts, she couldn’t repress Wire any longer as his psyche rushed at her.
    Wire wrestled for control of what was rightfully his body. He felt his limbs swing about in all directions as control over them quickly shifted from him to her and back again.
    He heard Nexus scream and felt her resisting to give up her influence over his body. Just as he almost tipped the balance of the battle against her, she pushed him back in a fit of hellish fury.

    Wire felt as she ripped control of his legs away from him, and charged forward at the still recovering Charmeleon. There was no warning, no “any last words?”, no threats, no chance of a miraculous escape, as the spiked appendage slashed downwards onto the Charmeleon.

    Wire let out an enraged, feral roar and lunged at Nexus. She’d made him kill the Charmeleon in cold blood. She’d taken an innocent life, now she’d pay for his blood.



    Surprisingly, Leo didn’t feel the initial attack, it didn’t seem real. Only a faint twinge of discomfort reminded him that he’d been hit at all. He put one foot forward, his lungs unable to breathe for some odd reason.

    He planted his left foot next to his right, his legs felt like they were being turned into gelatin. He heard someone shrieking his name, or at least he thought it was his name, he couldn’t really tell as all the sound gradually turned into a annoying ringing noise.

    He looked around for where the shout had come from. Straight ahead was a Metagross busy having a spasm as electricity laced its form, now why was it here? Was he friendly? Leo couldn’t remember.

    He turned his head to the left. He saw Jay dizzily getting up from the ground. Wait. Why was he on the ground? Had he been attacked by something?
    He shrugged his strangely heavy shoulders in confusion; he would ask him about that later when they got back to town.

    Finally, he looked to the right where Kelly was shouting at him, or at least, he thought she was. Her mouth was moving, but no sound came out. She suddenly started running toward him … in slow motion? Why was she running in slow motion? That didn’t make sense, only Jay was allowed to slow down time since he was the team leader, that was his job. She’d probably get into trouble with the Magnemite for disobeying the team rules.

    Leo saw that she was trying to say something to him again as she slowly made her way across the area to him, ignoring the pain her back leg brought her. Why was she in such a hurry? Why was her leg broken? What was her problem?

    That’s it! She just wants to congratulate me on winning the flying contest! Jumpluff never stood a chance against me, Leo thought as his body suddenly felt a lot lighter. He felt like he was a cloud, free of the imposing law of gravity.
    He waved to Kelly, a grin plastered on his face as he felt his legs disappear. He floated down until his knees touched the ground. Who needs legs when I can fly? Leo thought giddily as he let out a laugh at his own joke.

    Leo felt something wet and sticky pooling around his knees. Looking down, he saw that it was only a growing puddle blood. He was glad it wasn’t Kelly’s drink he’s sipped at the café, that’d be horrible.

    Then it struck him. Is that blood? He slowly lowered his gaze downwards to his chest. That’s blood. A long, jagged, gash made it’s way across Leo’s chest like a serpent. That’s … blood. Upon closer inspection it seemed to run from his lower ribcage to his stomach, it was deep, and it was leaking a constant waterfall of crimson. That’s my blood!

    As soon as it became real to him, the fragile air of calm his brain struggled to project to keep his heartbeat low shattered. Leo’s pulse nearly soared as he clutched the wound with his claws, trying to attach his torn scales and flesh back together.

    Adrenaline could only numb away so much pain and give so much false energy before it failed like everything else in his body. The true pain of being brutally sliced open and the sudden weakness of major blood loss hit him like one of the Metagross’s legs. Shock firmly gripped his body as Leo fell face first to the ground, unable to move a muscle.

    Time seemed to catch up with him as Kelly suddenly appeared at his side and gingerly turned his head so that he was looking up. He felt his entire body suddenly become cold; shock was taking its toll on him.

    Leo faintly saw the color in her yellow-furred face drain into a dull grey, as the world around him fade to black and white. Kelly seemed to be frantically looking around for anything to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing close to them except a battered pink scarf from her satchel.

    She gently placed the scarf on the wound, and vainly tried to stabilize the gash, bloodying it and her paws up in the process.
    As his sight began to fade to black, he saw her eyes well up with tears. She screamed something at him, but he couldn’t hear her.
    His head fell back onto the dirt with a thud. The last thing he saw before his vision turned black was the flame on his tail flicker weakly and go out with a puff of grey smoke.




    To say Leo felt surprised when he opened his eyes again would be a gross understatement. He gingerly looked around, making sure this wasn’t some sort of fever dream his brain decided to inflict him with as his body died.

    If it weren’t the fact that everything in the area was still black and white, and that nothing was moving, he would almost say it was real.
    And the fact that he was looking at his own bleeding body on the ground made him think it was slightly unreal.

    Looking over the scene, he saw just what a dire predicament they all where in: Jay, barely standing, about to be crushed by the out of control Metagross, and Kelly, her hind leg definitely fractured, looked to be seconds away from passing out from exhaustion as her frozen body leaned over his.

    “It’s a sad sight to see, isn’t it? Your friends need your help, but here you are, dead and of no practical use to anyone. How disappointing, but it’d be a lie to say I wasn’t anticipating such a poor performance from someone of your species,” the cold voice chided as Leo looked around the frozen arena for the source of the demon who haunted his mind.
    He didn’t have to look far; directly in front of him a ball of purple mist formed out of the air. As quickly as it appeared, it dissipated, leaving only a floating, purple, witch hat-wearing Pokemon in its wake.

    The creature turned to face him and flashed a sly smile, “Hello, Leo. It’s rare that I get the pleasure of conversing directly with one of my candidates, but I’m afraid there is no time for pleasantries,” the Pokemon told him as it chanted a few strange words, distorting the frozen world around it until it was a completely different place.

    From what he could see, he and the ghost were standing in the middle of a frozen city market place, far bigger then anything he’d seen in Loyalty. The scores of Pokemon around them stopped in place as the ghost floated around them.

    “Do you know why I recommend you to my employers? I’ll spare you the process of guessing the wrong answer. It was simply because you had certain … desirable qualities that others … lacked. It wasn’t because you had any special powers, intelligence, or anything remarkable about you at all, because you are, in all aspects of the word, average. Nothing special. But, it was because you somehow arrived in this world, that you proved you might be of use to my plan, human,” the ghost went on, changing the landscape once again.

    Next they’d arrived on top of a ice capped mountain. Time may have been frozen, but Leo could still feel the utter cold of the peak.

    “Your performance so far has been decent; make no mistake, my friend. The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but your failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. Believe me, you failed miserably,” he revealed as he forced the world to distort and reform again. Suddenly,they were in the middle of a large grass courtyard, with tall stone buildings all around.

    “However, your performance is still better then your … competition, whose observations were, for the most part, terminated due to … regulatory issues.” The Mismagius stared at him, his eyes glowing an eerie golden.

    “It is in that context that I have argued with my employers to … preserve your team members and yourself … for a time,” he vaguely “explained”, though Leo couldn’t understand what the Pokemon was going on about. Candidates? Employers? What the heck is he talking about?

    Leo shut his eyes as the courtyard around them flashed white. Suddenly, he was back, inside his own body once again. Kelly was still leaning over him, and he still had a bloody gash running across his chest. He couldn’t see his “friend” but he could still hear him.

    “Don’t expect, Leo, that I’m going to be playing guardian angel for you again, because the next time an incident befalls you, I’m just going to close the observation and terminate your application of potential employment. I’m sure my employers would understand if I said you failed again,” the invisible Pokemon warned as another flash blinded his eyes. It felt as if his chest was plunged into an icy bath as a white aura enshrouded it. The wound slowly closed itself together, leaving only a faint white line running across his scales. He saw the same happening with Jay and Kelly’s injuries.

    “I must go now as many matters still require my attention. Someone will be along for you shortly. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be careful, otherwise I will have to … terminate your observation prematurely. I’d rather not have to perform another direct intervention like this again. Before I leave you, there is still one virus that I have to … sanitize,” he said, as he chanted another string of words. Leo fell unconscious as soon as they hit his ears.




    Wire was in pain, no doubt about it. He and Nexus had been fighting for control for about five straight minutes, a small amount of time normally, but an enormous length to have your mind continually fight another.

    He sometimes wondered how they’d become merged in the first place. He had memories of being a normal enough Metang, but then something happened. Something he couldn’t, rather, Nexus wouldn’t let him remember. He’d remembered flying through the air as a Metang one moment, and the next moment, a smoking heap in a crater as a Metagross with her talking to him in his head.

    He’d constantly clashed with her ever since she’d proven herself to a highly narcissistic, sadistic, and psychopathic personality. She’d influence his mind when he disagreed with her demands, repress memories of his family and loved ones, shut off his sense of direction, and threaten to delete his personality completely, however she seemed incapable of taking complete control for a extended period of time.

    Her powers of influence “guiding” him, was what lead him to blindly working for this Pokemon she referred to only as “our benefactor”. This wasn’t his first mission on behalf of her benefactor, but he’d never had to kill anyone before.

    As cold and calculating as their species were known to be, he had a sense of morality, and refused to go along with her wishes for once.
    That string of encompassing thoughts was what brought him to this very moment, with his personality clashing against hers for complete, undisputed control over the body.
    He’d often dreamt of this moment when he would finally get the chance to overthrow the monster that shared his mind.
    Wire wondered why he’d had enough time to think about all these things that had happened to him since he in the middle of preparing yet another psychic attack to go against Nexus. Something isn’t right here, he thought as time seemed to slow.

    “Well done, it only took you two minutes to figure that one out. Perhaps you aren’t as simple minded as your friend over there has you painted out to be,” a bone-chilling voice said, a chorus of slow clapping echoed throughout the Metagross’s headpiece, mocking him.

    “Who are you and how are you in here?” Wire asked. Suddenly, the clapping ceased.

    “Very astute of you, Wire, but you and I both know I can’t answer those. However, you may call me your mutual friend, as it were. I’ve come here with a simple offer from my employers, one that has almost no negative consequences on your part. You’ve proven yourself a rational and resourceful Pokemon, so I don’t think you’ll have any trouble in realizing that you will never get this kind of offer again.”

    “What’s the catch? There’s always a catch. Tell me.” Wire asked, trying to maintain the false appearance of confidence.

    “Hmmm, you really do have a brain after all. I’ll tell you what, Wire, I will sweeten the deal for you. If you accept the offer, I will do you the favor of … relieving you of the … conflicting ideals that plague you. I cannot guarantee this offer for long, so I suggest you think very carefully about your decision.”

    “I accept. Just, get rid of her. Please.” Wire sighed inwardly; he just knew this wouldn’t end well.

    “I will do my best, my friend. Patience is a virtue you must have in this line of work. Before you get your extreme psyche makeover, I need a favor do be done.”

    “Well, what is it?” he asked, wanting to get this thing’s “favor” out of the way.

    “You are skilled with teleportation, correct? If so, then I ask you transport your former combatants to a location that I will disclose shortly.”

    “What?! You want me to teleport them?! They’re almost dead! If I’m going to teleport them somewhere, it better be to the best healer in the world!” he shouted.

    “Your concern for them is unnecessary. I have taken care of that problem beforehand; you do not need to worry. Now, do as I say, Metagross.”

    “Y-yes, of course.” Wire stuttered, if this was what it took to be free of Nexus forever, he’d do whatever he needed to do.




    Needless to say, that many of Loyalty Square’s populace who happened to be in the market mid-afternoon panicked when a sudden white flash overtook the entirety of the square. When the flash dissipated, it became clear that there were three unconscious forms lying on the ground that weren’t there before.

    Some called Gear and his units, some went for the guild’s healers, some just watched in morbid curiosity from the sidelines as the dramatic scene unfolded in front of them.

    The Magnemites were the first to the spot, all too eager to drag them away to prison for no sound reason. Fortunately, a team of Pokemon made up of a Grovyle, an Absol, and a Flygon kept the units from carrying out their corrupt deed until Gear himself showed up.

    After promising punishment to his units, he reluctantly got their help, as with the Grovyle’s team to carry the injured Pokemon into the more comfortable rooms in the jail under Gear’s supervision, where they could recover undisturbed by the citizens and Magnemite alike until they were well enough to answer the many questions he had for them.


    End Chapter Five



    Author’s Notes:
    Anyways, this chapter was a tricky one for me in terms of the content and how I was going to handle it. Especially, how I ended the fight and the emotional scenes.
    I’ve never written a battle scene that long or complex before this, so if there’s some issues, feel free to point them out.

    On to the chapter itself. I kind of got the idea for Wire/Nexus was the Pokedex entry for Metagross. It says it was made by a high speed collision of two Metang. I wondered, what if one of the Metang wasn’t right in the head, so to speak, and it snowballed from there.

    This may be one of the most important chapters yet in terms of plot, there’s just so much that’s happening.
    I’d like to thank my beta readers once again for fixing and suggesting things to improve in the chapter. And I’d like to thank my friend, Azurus, who gave me some of the concepts to use in this chapter.
    Oh yeah, I think I owe myself a pat on the back as well, since this is the quickest time I’ve written and posted a chapter. Almost three weeks! Not a month and a half like usual! Whooh!

    Also, on the subject of time between chapters, this may be the last one for a while since school is starting up again in a few days. I will continue to write, but the pace I finish a chapter will be much slower then the past few, hypothetically.
    So, please bare with me during these next few months, because it might seem like I’m dead, but I assure you I won’t be. Hopefully, I can find the ideal balance between school work and writing so I don’t run into too many problems.

    So, tell me what you thought of the chapter, if it was great, good, or downright horrible, leave me a comment or review.
    As always, thank you for reading my story. It means a lot to me as a developing author.

    I’ve probably been talking for longer then I’ve needed to.

    Knightfall signing off …
    Last edited by Knightfall; 25th July 2013 at 12:31 AM.

  18. #93
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    Exciting chapter!!! While reading I found

    The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but you failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. And believe me, you failed miserably,”
    You cant start a sentence with and also, it should be a period not a comma. I'll look more later.




    Claimed the electric dog that is Jolteon
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  19. #94
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    Well, again you have a few spelling errors, like "guardian angle" and "preformed" and some words missing, I think near the start.

    All in all I was impressed, for some reason I was expecting four personalities, not two, but that was handled really well.

    Leo's (near)death experience was interesting but the resolution was kind of deux ex machina, but I liked it since it has relevance later.

    One of the better chapters Knightfall, keep it up.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  20. #95
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    I'll fix that sentence, Saphirepwns. Glad you liked the chapter.


    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Well, again you have a few spelling errors, like "guardian angle" and "preformed" and some words missing, I think near the start.
    Gah, that was stupid of me. I'm pretty sure the word that was missing was a "he" a short way into the chapter.

    Guardian "Angle" what was I thinking? While I'm sure a 90 degree angle would be weirdl to have watching over you, I don't think it'd save you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    All in all I was impressed, for some reason I was expecting four personalities, not two, but that was handled really well.
    I always had planned on using two personalities; four would have been a lot to write effectively. Anyways, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Leo's (near)death experience was interesting but the resolution was kind of deux ex machina, but I liked it since it has relevance later.

    One of the better chapters Knightfall, keep it up.
    That's exactly what I was going for, a Deux Ex Machina. A plot device that solves an unsolvable problem by an unexpected intervention.
    It will be explained later, you can be certain of that. But that was exactly what I was trying to imply with that scene: unnatural intervention was needed.

    Glad you liked the chapter,

    Knightfall signing off ...

  21. #96
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    Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.

    I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.

    Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.
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  22. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.
    Glad you enjoyed it, I tried to get this chapter out at a faster pace then the others, so I was worried a little about the quality, but it seems I was worried about nothing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.
    I kept thinking of that when I was writing Nexus. GLaDOS just has the perfect personlity for her.
    And I put the slow clapping in there for just that reason, I was hoping someone connected that with Portal 2.
    The Mismagius though, his personality isn't based off her, though he does have that cold and sarcastic PoTaDOS vibe about him. His personality is based off someone else even more creepy.


    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.
    I'll take that as a compliment. Again, glad you enjoyed it.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  23. #98
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    PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.

    I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.

    Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.




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  24. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by saphirapwns View Post
    PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.
    I honestly forgot all about Opal! Hm, its been so long since I read it. Maybe like 8 years or something....shoot, i was in early middle school. ima senior now, lol.
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  25. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by saphirapwns View Post
    PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.
    I take it you like the Portal series then, excellent. I'm a huge fan and you'll find some subtle references to Portal and Half-Life in some of the chapters. There'll be more in future chapters, I promsie.

    And Brutaka, good luck with your senior year. I'm only going into 10th grade at the moment, so I've got two years left after this.
    Last edited by Knightfall; 20th August 2012 at 5:28 AM.

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