Should be "and as it did so"Leo’s vision slowly cleared, as it did, his jaw dropped at what he saw.
Lugia's storm...I like that. Adds a very nice flavor to see that the pokemon have their own exclamations of shock (beyond the stereotypical and overused "Oh my Arceus" variants).“Lugia’s storm … w-what is that?” Jay asked, fear penetrating every syllable of his question. Neither Leo nor Kelly had the answer to his question, or had time to give him one, as the creature started to move again.
Hmm...Crab-tank sounds like an It to me, not a him. It may well be a him, but the team shouldn't know that yet. Either way, in THIS instance, I think it should be "its blood red eyes".The giant crab tank swiftly turned around to face the stunned team, his blood red eyes looking at them for a moment before shifting to another object.
Don't forget to put a full space between your paragraphs!“You didn’t say this would happen! Why didn’t you tell me I’d have to do this?!” It wasn’t a normal question, it was a crazed plea to an unknown entity.
In the midst of his confusion of nearly everything that was happening, Leo found an answer as to who “you” was when the cold, feminine voice from earlier spoke again.
Two more changes I'd make: Change the "of" I bolded to an "at", and remove the "from earlier" that I bolded. It's extraneous.
Oh, METAGROSS is the tank/crab. I couldn't figure that out. Not your fault, I just couldn't place what might be a tank/crab.“Malcompliance behaviors within Metagross: Wire unit will not be tolerated. Code: comply, control, counter, cauterize.”
No comma needed before "who". Either just go "his teammates who seemed to have the same idea" or say something like "his teammates, and it seemed like they had the same idea".Leo cautiously backed away from the steel monster, which seemed to be in the midst of a mental breakdown. He gave a panicked glance to both of his teammates, who had the same idea as he did: get out of here without getting his attention.
More paragraphs without double-spacing.Rubbing his sore nose, Leo dizzily turned around to see why they were trapped this time.
The Metagross unit shuddered, its four, metal legs stumbling around inside the ring of psychic energy it had created. Leo, you can’t escape the psychopath who’s trying to kill you by running away, that’d be too easy. How silly of me to forget, Leo grimly thought as the Pokemon who trapped them spoke.
Aside from that, there should be a semi-colon or a period instead of the comma after "running away". And the last bit was a tad confusing because I was unsure whether it was the creepy internal voice, Leo, or "the pokemon who trapped them" that was speaking the italicized dialogue. It was a bit ambiguous to me.
Another "as" that doesn't need a comma before it.“Your actions are causing complications to arise within our benefactor’s campaign. We have been dispatched to neutralize the threat … well, at least I was. Wire wasn’t so keen on accepting this mission, as you can tell,” she said with indifference, as she began to circle around the team.
Something is off here (besides that fact that "life" should be "lives"). I would put a period after "Colonies". That might clear up the first part most easily. It just isn't super clear the way it is written.“You have willingly cooperated with enemies of the Colonies, and now feel free to take a look through the swiftly closing aperture that remains of your life. Engage!”
"Enshrouded" tends to imply a shadow of some sort, and electricity is not what I think of when I think about shadows. Instead of that, maybe say "blanketed with electricity" or "her body lit up like a light bulb" or "crackled with electricity". Just some options more in tune with electricity.“You are aiding the corruption! Can’t you see?! You’re collaborating with traitorrraaaaaaaaahhhh!” Nexus screamed as her body became enshrouded with electricity. She stopped her efforts to reduce Leo’s skull to a waffle and shifted her attention to Kelly.
I'd change the bolded part to "causing her to issue". The way it is now reads like it means "making her problem". Which is obviously not the usage of "issue" you're looking for.“What’s going on?!” Leo yelled as Kelly was psychically thrown into the barrier by Nexus, making her issue a pained yelp followed by a curse to Thundurus. She yelled in pain as she tried to run, lifting her left hind leg above the ground. Out of breath, Jay quickly mumbled something about his badge and escaping to Leo as he dashed to the opposite side of the death-ring.
That...is a REALLY BIG sentence. I'd put a period after "incapacitate Kelly" (which, by the way, I dig the line about trying to permanently incapacitate her). Then change the "who" to just "Kelly". After that, move the "still" from where it is to before "somehow" (Kelly was still somehow able to dodge...).Jay ran and scooped up his bag off the ground while Nexus was occupied with trying to permanently incapacitate Kelly, who was somehow able to still dodge the attacks despite her fractured hind leg, though the pain it caused her was sure to be immense.
As Jay turned his bag upside down and fervently looked for his badge, Leo tried to concentrate a Slash attack and simultaneously ignore the shooting pain in his chest.
Another instance of not-double-spaced paragraphs. Anyway, I'd remove the bit about "the same feeling he felt before". It doesn't add much, and I remember them energizing before. And there should be a comma before and (altogether: "Within seconds, both sets of his claws became energized, and he ran directly at Nexus before should flatten an exhausted Kelly").Within seconds both sets of his claws became energized with the same feeling he felt before and he ran directly at Nexus, who was about to flatten an exhausted Kelly.
Whatever remained of his sane mind screamed that this was a horrible idea and that he was going to die in his foolish attempt to help her, but he pushed it aside as he leapt past Nexus’s armored legs and onto the center of her head.
A few more paragraphs that aren't separated. I'm not trying to point them all out, but if I have something else to say, I might as well mention it.His claws still glowing with energy, Leo gripped onto the silver, X-shaped mustache on Nexus’s face, holding on as he prayed that Kelly got herself to safety.
This action didn’t go unnoticed by the possessed Metagross, who halted her execution of Kelly and proceeded to try and buck Leo off her head, screaming unsavory curses at him all the while.
All through this, the faint cries of Wire still emitted from the Metagross as he tried to regain control of his body.
That's an interesting idea, that Metagross' X is a mustache. I'd never have thought of that.
You still like the big sentences with lots of commas. You don't seem to fall into the habit of making short, choppy sentences, so I don't think you need to worry about "over-correcting" the other way and making them too long. After "Nexus' face", I'd put a period and then say "He held on as he prayed..."
Just "faded". Not fading.His Slash-powered claws fading as his grip failed.
Fun imagery, and I can picture the Metagross pondering this. No comma needed before "before", though.She dangled Leo in the air for a split second, as if deciding the most efficient way to break every bone in his body, before she raised her leg back and hurtled him at the psychic barrier.
I don't think that little "break" is needed. It would make sense if you ended a chapter on the cliffhanger, but since you didn't, it doesn't need any break at all. Wire's dialogue comes in right where Nexus leaves off, so there's no time passage that the break is conveying.“There is no place in the world for cowards like you,” she stated as she focused her mind to blast Jay backwards into the wall. She dropped his badge to the ground and smashed it with her spiked foot, the remains sparking slightly. Not sure of what he was doing, Leo leaped at Nexus, claws ready.
“Nexus, stop! No!” Wire screamed from inside his own mind, as he watched his body produced a psychic field and tossed around the innocent Riolu like a kit’s toy.
And the "produced" should just be "produce".
Oh, I get it. The break there was to cut to the interlude inside Wire/Nexus' head. Okay, I guess it works then; it was just a bit hard to ascertain that at first. Carry on.Wire growled, “You can’t kill them, Nexus. This is my body, not yours.”
Leo had just enough time to help Jay off the ground before he heard another roar from the steel crab. He turned around to face the creature only to catch a brief glimpse of one of its legs swinging toward his head.
I like every part of this except the "or any other simile" bit. I'd just cut it.Before he could react to the imminent threat, the limb connected. To Leo, it felt like a freight train had collided with the side of his head, or any other simile of intense pain.
Leo thought he would see stars, but an entire galaxy of supernovas filled his vision.
Take out the comma after "in his ears". And change "heartbeats" to either just "heartbeat" or "The beating of his heart".He couldn’t hear anything beyond the intense ringing in his ears, and his own heartbeat. His heartbeats, combined with the flashes of white-hot pain from his skull were the only sensations telling him he wasn’t yet dead.
Hey! Dashes! Only thing is, you don't need a comma after the dashes. Dashes take on the usage of the comma in that instance. So it should be "pain--Leo suspected the latter (not later, btw)--but after".Maybe it was his body’s ability to heal remarkably fast, or just the adrenaline numbing the pain—Leo suspected the later—, but after what only seemed a minute, he recovered most of his senses of sight and hearing. His head still hurt felt like it had been used as a wreaking ball on a building filled with primed dynamite, but he staggered to his feet regardless.
Just watch out for re-using phrases. This is the second time in this chapter you described something as "playing chicken".The first thing he saw was Jay playing a deadly game of chicken with the Metagross’s iron legs, deftly sprinting and changing direction as he ran around the beast. He suddenly stopped and slammed a glowing fist in the center of the “X” formed on its face.
No comma after "member". And the "He fell to the dirt" should say "Jay fell" because I thought it was Wire at first.He managed to shove his limb away from the rescue team member, as a wave of agony washed over him. He felt his body’s psychic powers activate as an infuriated Nexus hurtled the Riolu across the arena into the barrier. He fell to the dirt for a moment, as he tired and failed to get back up, refusing to give up the privilege of consciousness.
"Her limp form slid to the ground" and "She barely kept conscious..." are two whole, separate thoughts, so no comma there between them. Either a semi-colon or a period.“Leo, … run,” she gasped right before she was psychically hoisted into the air and brutally slammed into the barrier. Her limp form slid to the ground, she barely kept conscious as she slowly tried to get back up again.
Should be an "and" before "she turned her attention to Leo".Nexus surveyed her surroundings, apparently pleased at seeing both Jay and Kelly barely conscious, she turned her attention to Leo.
Should be a semi-colon (or even just a colon) after "paralyzed". No punctuation at all is needed before "but stare as Nexus...".He felt as if his body was paralyzed, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t flee, he couldn’t help his friends, he couldn’t do anything, but stare as Nexus slowly approached him like the grim reaper.
The bolded "then" should be "than". Than is used to compare, Then is used to progress time. Here's how to remember: "He's bigger THAN you. Hit him THEN run away".Her precise movements and cold, locking, stare proved more then capable then turning causing Leo’s legs to instinctively step backwards until his back was against the barrier.
Anyway, the rest of the sentence is all weird. "then turning causing Leo's legs to instinctively step backwards..." I'm not sure what that's supposed to say. Should it just be "...more than capable of causing Leo's legs to..."?
Just as or when. Don't need'em both.As soon as his eyes made contact with hers, he knew he fell for her trap. He couldn’t move at all, but he could feel her, casually browsing through his memories and the events of the past few days, unable to do anything to stop her. She ignored his efforts and occasionally mumbled to herself as when she came across something interesting.
Okay, I LOL'ed. Literally and actually "out loud". Good stuff.Leo felt his anger rising. The only people allowed in my head are me, and a chorus of haunting voices! No one else!
Damn, son. That was good. I like the whole way that was done. The dialogue and the actions between them. I can picture her saying it slowly as she savored torturing him. Damn damn damn. Good stuff.“Did you know? Pressure,” she said as she pushed Leo against the field.
“is the ratio of force,” Nexus pressed harder against the pinned Charmeleon,
“to the area over which that force is distributed. Interesting fact, no?” Nexus gloated as Leo’s entire chest began to feel the surface of the sun as Nexus continued to ramble on how he and his worthless friends would soon be destroyed.
The whole slow burn (PUN!) sequence of Leo's first fire attack was, again, GORGEOUS. So intense and well-described and beautiful. Excellent, excellent. I've never much cared for pokemorph fiction, the amazing way you describe Leo's life makes me want to write my own. Just, seriously...great, fantastic work.Not caring about the potential consequences, he opened his mouth and exhaled the remaining air from his lungs.
The heat suddenly forced its way from throat and out his mouth, combusting into a ball of fire as it touched the air. Leo’s head jerked back from the recoil as the newly formed Ember attack collided with Nexus’s face, exploding in a flash of fire and ash.
No need for those dashes. It's fine without them.Wire wrestled for control of —what was rightfully his— body.
The beginning is a bit messed up there. "Wire felt Nexus rip control of his legs from him and charge at the Charmeleon..." maybe?Wire felt was she ripped control of his legs, and charged forward at the Charmeleon who was still recovering from his last altercation with her.
Honestly, if there were any mistakes in the paragraphs leading up to this one, I missed them because I was so wonderfully entranced in the brilliance of Leo's scattered assortment of experiences. Again: brilliant. Realistic and vibrant and ethereal. Fan-bloody-tastic.Then it struck him. Is that blood? He slowly lowered his gaze downwards to his chest. That’s blood. A long, jagged, gash made it’s way across Leo’s chest like a serpent. That’s … blood. Upon closer inspection it seemed to run from his lower ribcage to his stomach, it was deep, and it was leaking a constant waterfall of crimson. That’s my blood!
I'm not sure what "everything else" there is. You mean like the ability to stand and his mind's ability to dissociate from the pain? I assume so, but it reads kind of vaguely. I'd clear it up or just cut out "like everything else" entirely. It could also mean he knows he's about to die and that every part of his body is about to fail, I guess. Like I said: vague.Adrenaline could only numb away so much pain and give so much false energy before it failed like everything else.
I'm going to be brutally honest: That would have been a great place to end the chapter. As it is, I LITERALLY just plopped my head down into my hands and said "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG. JESUS CHRIST". I'm looking at my clock and seeing it is currently 10:27. I started reading/reviewing this chapter at 8:45. This is like an endurance test after a while. They could put some of your chapters in a Ninja Warrior course.Author’s Notes: I’m really impressed at how this chapter turned out. I mean, I really think the battle went well considering it was my first time attempting…………
I’m kidding, it’s not really the end, not even I’m that senselessly cruel.
Enjoy the rest of the chapter.
Like I just said...I've been at this for over an hour and a half, and I really want to shower and eat, so I've GOT to pretend this is the ACTUAL chapter end and tap out for now. I'll be back later on, of course. But for now...whew. I'm spent.
EDIT #1: Okay, I got a bit more done, but still not all.
*saw, not was.Looking over the scene, he was just what a dire predicament they all where in:
Again, "squished" is a bit flavorful and colloquial for this narrator, so I might change that to "crushed" or something. And the later part should be "looked TO BE seconds away from passing out..."Jay, barely standing, about to be squished by the out of control Metagross, and Kelly, her hind leg definitely fractured, looked seconds away from passing out from exhaustion as her frozen body leaned over his.
No comma after "frozen".From what he could see, he and the ghost were standing in the middle of a frozen, city market place, far bigger then anything he’d seen in Loyalty. The scores of Pokemon around them stopped in place as the ghost floated around them.
Saying "This time" tends to imply present tense. I'd change the beginning there to just say "Next" or "Suddenly".This time they’d arrived on top of a ice capped mountain. Time may have been frozen, but Leo could still feel the utter cold of the peak.
Another case of "this time" for you to change. And the "you" I bolded should be "your". It's a gerund issue again, with "failing" actually being the noun in that sentence, so you use "your" as an adjective to the noun.“Your performance so far has been decent; make no mistake, my friend. The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but you failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. Believe me, you failed miserably,” he revealed as he forced the world to distort and reform again. This time they were in the middle of a large grass courtyard, with tall stone buildings all around.
Okay, so...wow. I have no idea what's going on now. But in a good way. A way that leaves lots of questions that I'm sure you'll tease out answers to.“I must go now as many matters still require my attention. Someone will be along for you shortly. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be careful, otherwise I will have to … terminate your observation prematurely. I’d rather not have to perform another direct intervention like this again. Before I leave you, there is still one virus that I have to … sanitize,” he said, as he chanted another string of words. Leo fell unconscious as soon as they hit his ears.