Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

[Azurus]

The dungeon was making trying to engulf him. What is this meant to say? "making an effort in trying to engulf him"? "was trying to engulf him"?

Other than that, really good chapter. Also it would seem Alecks parcel framed teamed salient, well atleast that little plot was revealed.

I never expected the dungeons to reform at any time, but I guess it makes sense and why they always have a different layout each time. Very interesting descriptions there.

Keep up the good work.

[Knightfall]

Uhh, yeah. That was a mistake. I'll fix that.

Yes, Aleck framed Team Salient, even though it was unknown to him. I guess he got what he deserved.

Dungeons are a strange realm for me. Their behavior is fun to write since they can be erratic and unpredictable. But it does make sense.

Thanks, and same to you. You have to get your story done sometime.

Knightfall signing off...

[Kukansis]

How did I miss you posting this?


Anyways, another excellent chapter. You continue to amaze me with your attention to detail.

Huh, now I have to wonder why the Scyther didn't kill Aleck outright, as well as what Jay's backstory is.

Keep up the awesome work, Knightfall!

[Knightfall]

Hey, I'm just glad to see you here.

Thanks, that's partly why they take so dang long to write. I sometimes end up putting too much detail in and spoiling the scene, but that's what a beta reader is for.

Well, that was kinda thought of on the fly, but I do have a reason for it. Aleck's troubles aren't over yet.
And Jay ... well, that's up for speculation.

Thanks, I hope to see something from you soon as well.

Knightfall signing off...

[Sidewinder]

Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.

Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha

Secondly, I've noticed that you've been having a little trouble with formatting when posting your chapters. Example:

She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.
She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.

You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol

On to chapter 8!

Without hesitation, his body jolted into action, the back of his mind overriding any feelings of fatigue. The sensation of bitter cold and blistering heat washed over him as the memories of the previous night flashed before his eyes in all their glory.

I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful

where he stood a moment ago. The bolts burned ugly black streaks into the walls.

I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:

where he stood a moment ago, the bolts burning ugly black streaks into the walls.

You dig?

In hindsight, it might not have been the greatest idea to activate the bag of extremely volatile artifacts so close to himself, but he had no other choice that didn’t include an indefinite time behind bars.

I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done

he crudely brushed off the layer of dirt, grass, and wood splinters.

I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better

He pulled out something small and held it so Leo could see it in the glow of his tail. It was a small crimson berry; a small curly green stem remained on it.

lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that

The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veering around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified.

Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity

The Scyther suddenly lashed forward, his wings propelling him faster than a speeding Sharpedo.

hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.

surrounding the town. An untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.

that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect

a Mareep makes when pitted against a hungry Mightyena.

This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!

Richelieu pulled his head back, a smug smile traced across his metal beak.

Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*

All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy

[Knightfall]

Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.

Hey, don't worry about it. I welcome any review anytime. I'm just glad you're here.

Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha

Well, it's actually in hexidecimal code, and without a converter, it's just numbers and letters. Azurus posted a pretty accurate translation of it and of the binary code from the prologue. His post is directly after Chapter Three.

You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol

I'll fix that, stupid formatting. I'll be sure to look at the preview more closely in the future because they can be decieving.

I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful

Thanks, I've been trying to give myself lots of practice doing that.

I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:

You dig?

I dig.

I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done

I guess I tired to add a bit of a comical undertone there, I honestly don't remember. Well, I'm glad you managed to enjoy it more that way.

I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better

I agree, roughly would work better there.

lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that

Yeah, not all of them are thinking clearly much as of late, if you catch my drift.

Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity

Yeah, I do go through my first chapters every so often, and I agree: I have come a long way.
And I just realized that I totally screwed up the tenses on that sentence. I'll fix that right away.

hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.

Hmm, I see where you're coming from. I'll see if I can word that better.

that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect

Alright, and again, I agree. Ugh, commas and periods, my beta reader can tell you how much fun we had with those while editing this.

This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!

I quite liked it myself. I'm glad someone else did as well.

Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*

Heh, we won't be seeing too much of him for a while, well, directly at least. He'll still influence from the plot behind the scenes like the snivling politician he is.

All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy

Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me.
Heh, Team Salient is in deep, and is only going deeper. Into what, you'll have to wait and see.
Again, thanks. I can't wait to see the next chapter of Requiem as well.

I'd like to thank all my readers for enjoying this, and if you have any suggestions or advice, I'd love to hear them.

Knightfall signing off...

[jireh the provider]

Anyways... to the review game.

Catchiest moment:

Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!

Characters:

Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.

Plot References:

The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.

Final parts of the chapter:

it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.

[Knightfall]

Ah, nice to see you here. I'll be sure to work on a review of your PMD story as well.

Catchiest moment:

Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!

Yeah, that scene in the games helped me to write the scene with the exploding Orbs and yeah, I'd expect it'd be very bright. But other Orbs were present as well. Trawl, Rainy, Sunny, and Switcher Orbs all make an appearance.
And I agree, the scene with Leo is much like that scene in Left 4 Dead 2.
You are correct, Kelly is the Jolteon and Jay is the Riolu.
Yep, the badges can be tracked. Not GPS, but more of a combination of psychic signals and radio waves that can be tracked by either Magnemite and certain Psychic Pokemon.

Characters:

Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.

Glad you enjoyed that scene. And yeah, it's ironic how his last customer really was his "last customer".
The Scyther is working for the Colonies, that much was released in the chapter. What is role is though remains to be seen.
Magnemite don't deserve any pity. Gear realized that the kill list was wrong and refused to obey it. And thus he was killed.

Exactly, and there will only be more of it to come.

Plot References:

The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.

Thank you, I've always enjoyed the idea of complex government conspiracies and the likes of such.
What makes war stories fun? Well, I don't particularly enjoy writing bloody scenes (okay, maybe on occasion). I enjoy the war genre because I can explore the conflicting "truths and ideologies" of each side in depth and to my liking. The Kingdom and the Colonies are only a fraction of this conflict.

Final parts of the chapter:

it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.

Well, some citizens don't trust the government. And the government of the Kingdom has overstepped its bounds in some places.
I guess that is a good real life example, if you prefer to compare it to that.

Thank you for leaving a review! I'll be sure to get onto Nomad Seekers as soon as I can.

Knightfall signing off...

[Koridojo_Blaziken]

Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.

So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...

Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...

Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.

[Knightfall]

Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.

No problem. I welcome all reviews, no matter how short.

So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...

Yep, they're wanted Pokemon now. And since the badges can teleport a rescue team out of a dungeon, it's not too far of a stretch to have them able to be tracked.
Heh, their tempers will eventually get the better of them.

Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...

I'm surprised at how much people seem to enjoy Aleck. I originally didn't have any plans to use him. But yeah, I'm glad you feel bad for him, even though his own greed got him into this mess. I'm planning to see if there's anyway I can use him later on.

Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.

Thank you, I always enjoy it when readers review.

Knightfall signing off...

[Meeker]

This is really good, keep up the good work.

I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.

Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

I expect good works from you in the future.

[Knightfall]

This is really good, keep up the good work.

Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.

Heh, thank you, again. I put a lot of effort into the world my story takes place in. I think I even drew a map at one point.

Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

I expect good works from you in the future.

As with my background, I put considerable thought into my characters. Even my most minor characters play a part, such as Aleck.
The sole reason my chapters take so long are because I add the description to it.

Anyways, thank you for reviewing and I will do my best to continue to produce quality chapters.

Knightfall signing off...

[Meeker]

Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.

The remaining units took advantage of the opportunity and fired several bolts directly at the Golduck.

I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?

[Knightfall]

Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.

Why thank you. You know? Sometimes I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but it works out in the end. At least, it usually does.

I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?

Even though I have studied that case, I did not have that in mind when writing it. Though looking back, it's odd how many similarities that scene has with that particular incident.

Well, as an update on Chapter Nine, it is moving along nicely. With the critique of several of my friends on here, I was able to finish a good portion of it recently. School is still as much of a hindrance to writing as ever, but it's still getting done. I plan on having it done very soon.

Knightfall signing off...

[Meeker]

”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?”

Was Kevin Bacon turned into a Pokemon like Leo was, this guy's in everything!

Really good man, keep it up!

[Sid87]

Kelly’s panicked voice rang throughout the base, shattering the relative midnight silence.
Leo stirred from his sleep only slightly, his recovering mind not comprehending her panicked call.
In my pride, I tempted him. I told him to do his worst. He did so, if only to show me the errors of my ways.

You fell back into unseparated paragraphs somehow!

Leo tumbled out of the hammock, somehow managing to land upright.

Missed an "and" there.

He just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.

That might be better as "He HAD just grasped..." because otherwise it sounds like grabbing the bag is no big deal. "He just grabbed the bag". "He was just playing around". Like that. I had the wrong innotation of "just".

“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, a chorus of “Rodger!” affirming the order told Leo that there was definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

Couple things here. Let me just retype and bold it.

“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

“Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded, again accompanied by several static-ridden cries of “Rodger!” Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.

I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?

He spun around on a dime and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.

The "on a dime" is a bit too colloquial for narration, I think.

His mind was spinning as if someone had stuck it on a pottery wheel,

I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.

Explosions of blinding light still occurred within the remaining chambers of the base.

"Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?

The small room he used to be in now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke bellowed out.

"be in" is a bit weird. Maybe "the small room that was once his now had...". Also, I think you mean "billowed". But imagining smoke "bellowing" is fun.

followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag, to the apples from the kitchen.

No need for a comma after "bag".

The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before being stopped by dragging their broken sides against the walls.

The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls.

He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.

Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?

In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground. Dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope.

Something is off there because the second sentence is not a whole thought.

His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest while the ground bit uncomfortably against his body.

I assume the key isn't IN him, so it's not between his chest. "his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably..."?

Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current.

I quite like that image.

“We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Trying to think of a solution to their predicament.

A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".

“Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the Cheri Berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munch on the small berry.

Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.

Leo didn’t waste any time grieving, he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread, as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him, he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.

A few punctuation bits there. There should be conjunctions after "grieving" and later on, "behind him". Or those commas should be semi-colons. And you don't need the comma (or anything) after "under his tread".

No! I am not getting left behind again! Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.

Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned

I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.

He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.

Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.

“You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.

Well that confrontation was interesting.

Okay, I'm going to have to take a break. I think I'm almost to the end (end-ISH), so I will hopefully have this wrapped up tonight.

---

Aleck scrambled backwards from his employer, his claws scratching on the stone ground.
“I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to. And besides, what went so horribly wrong?” he asked, still trying to secure his reward of Royal Poke.

This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?

“I’m afraid they do involve you; if my observations are correct they were some of your last remaining customers, I believe,” he revealed, causing Aleck to go think for a moment.

"go think"?

“Filthy Kingdom merchants,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.

There's just so much going on in this tale.

Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
“You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”

I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.

“ZT! Gear would never do this!”

“Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.

I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.


All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.

I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.

The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.

[Knightfall]

Reply time!

I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?

I'm not sure why I had them do that. It's fixed now.

*
I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.

Alright, fixed.

*

"Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?

I thought I fixed that earlier, oh well. Fixed.

*
Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?

No, he was talking about freeing himself on the other side of the collapsed hallway where the Magnemite were.

*
A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".

You should have saw the major narration error I had before Shadow pointed it out. It was like the whole scene suddenly switched to Jay's perspective.

Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.

True, I forgot he only knew Pecha and Oran Berries. Fixed.

I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.

Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.

Why thanks! I felt like the entire section in the forest was written better than the rest of the chapter. This chapter suffered from me also beign distracted by school, so that's why it seemed a little ... off at times.
Though I'm glad you liked the trees. I loved writing that scene as well.

This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?

It does sound better. Fixed.

"go think"?

Whoops. That was left over from an earlier version. Fixed.

There's just so much going on in this tale.

Indeed.

I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.

Yeah, I try to think of these things whenever I'm writing a certain Pokemon. It makes sense they have speakers since they have no visible mouth.

I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.

He's only been in what? Two scenes? I honestly didn't plan on having him staying around as the story moved forward, BUT I think I can make something with him work...
I can promise that you'll see more of him.

All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.

Yeah, I think it could have flowed better as well. Heh, I'm glad I've been doing a good job introducing you to the PMD universe. I'll say it again: they're worth playing through.

I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.

Like I said before. I had never planed on having him stay around, but I'll make something work. I'm starting to grow attached to his character as well, and you know what happens then, they stay around and eventually become important to the plot. CoughAleckcough.

The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.

Heh, unfortunately, that won't get "resolved" for a while. Though in the next chapter, you'll get to see how this voice treats someone who isn't Leo or Jay.

And in speaking of the next chapter....

[Knightfall]

Chapter Nine: Perspective
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Executive Order 47: “In the event any officer of the law becomes malcompliant with established royal doctrines, it is imperative that they be disposed of with extreme prejudice. They are to be imprisoned without the possibility of fair trial. Lethal force is granted for severe cases of insubordination. Regional governors have the responsibility of filling in the position within forty-eight hours from initial disposal.”

Opening paragraph of Royal Decree: 47
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunlight softly streamed through the large glass window of the study, lighting up the room with the new morning light. The room was paneled with a rich, dark wood and lined with several handsomely built bookcases. There was a desk in the center of the room made out of the same dark wood on which were stacked several important-looking documents.

A single Pokemon paced slowly behind the desk. Its paws made little noise on the polished marble flooring. He clutched a letter in his paw, careful not to accidently impale it on his paw's boney spike.

His red eyes read down the page, shifting as the Pokemon poured over each word several times before moving to the next one. As soon as he was finished reading it, he immediately read it again, hoping that what he read was a mistake.

Your Majesty, be it far from me as a loyal subject of the crown to impose foreboding news upon you, but I am afraid I must. Unfortunately, costs of production of many of the items you import from our facilities have risen, and such the cost of exporting these products to your nation must rise to meet these cost demands.

I realize how crucial it is for your campaign against the Colonies that supplies reach your army in a timely fashion and how strained your treasury is for gold. Therefore, I will offer you a deal:
grant Trinity Isle exclusive trade with your ports and allow us to collect tolls on our competitor’s ships and we will be able to keep prices from rising on our products.

I severely hope that you see the benefit from accepting these terms. The Kingdom can only prosper from them and we will be able to meet our financial obligations. Otherwise, I will have no other choice but to terminate our existing trade agreement. I do not wish for that to happen, nor do I wish the Colonies to overpower your nation.

Please respond in a timely manner; I have a schedule to keep.

Head Administrator, Trey Sceptile of T.I.R.A..

A low growl of frustration came from the Pokemon. His black-furred paw placed the letter down on the desk. He slowly lifted his head, revealing two blue pointed ears and a blue and black furred snout.

“Curse the Legends …” the Lucario sighed as he rubbed his paws against the sides of his head. They’ve got us. The treasury can’t take another price increase …

As the monarch contemplated his extremely limited options, a soft knocking on the doors of the room interrupted him. Pushing aside the troubling news, he regained his regal composure.

“Enter.”

The two wooden doors parted to reveal a small red and white bird carrying several pieces of freshly printed parchment. The Delibird bowed politely, his beak almost touching the marble floor.

“Your Majesty, Lord Darney wishes to speak with you concerning the Inner Council. He is waiting in the reception hall,” he reported quickly. The king’s face darkened slightly at the mention of the name.

“Send him up; I will speak with him,” he said, unable to conceal his disapproving undertone.

“Will you be needing anything else, my lord?” the festively decorated bird asked.

A drink from Spinda’s would be nice. Something very strong … “No thank you, Wevan. That will be all,” he answered with a dismissing wave of his paw.

Wevan simply nodded. “Very well. I will fetch him right away, sir.” With that, he waddled out the door, making sure to close it gently behind him.

The Lucario closed his eyes and tried to focus his mind. He would need every ounce of mental strength not to snap and rip the Lord’s spiny head off his shoulders. The relationship between him and the Lord of the Council had been strained ever since they had come at odds with each other with how to best rule the Kingdom.

He had just finished taking another deep breath when he felt a strong aura of pure contempt waiting outside the door.

“Come in, Darney.” The door slowly opened to reveal a Pokemon slightly shorter than the king. His grass green carapace glinted in the morning sun’s rays as he walked into the study of the palace. The Pokemon, Darney, bowed in respect, his scythe-like appendages extended behind him as he continued the sign of respect.

Once he rose again, the Scyther coughed as he prepared to speak. “Nickolas,” he acknowledged, “I know you dislike being visited by me, so I’ll keep this meeting brief.”

The sovereign was not moved. “Why are you here?” Nickolas asked curtly, looking down at the oversized mantis.

Darney continued, ignoring the king’s question. “As you know, the war effort has gone stagnate. The Colonial lines cannot be broken and our army is just barely holding them back.”

“I know this. I do not need to hear it again from—” the king began, but was cut off almost immediately by the Scyther.

“Meanwhile, the Kingdom is crumbling around us; a dying patient in a hospital. We cannot hope to save it without greater cooperation within the government,” he said, slowly rubbing his right scythe on his left. Nickolas narrowed his eyes Just where is he going with this? he wondered.

“Ever since the creation of the Council after the chaos of the Time Gear business and your tragic … loss, we have had varying degrees of disagreement on how the government should be run. What actions need to be taken to preserve this fine nation,” Darney said, beginning to slowly circle Nickolas like a vulture closing in on a carcass.

“Nearly every suggestion we’ve put forth has been more or less rejected by you, getting us nowhere, while our enemies continue to wear us down. If it wasn’t for your family, the war would have been over a year ago! Now, we nearly bankrupt and close to the tipping point into anarchy!” He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes burning with anger.

“That is why the Council has decided to temporarily decrease your influence in the government until the current crisis has passed. Effective immediately.”

The noble backed away from the king, expecting a response. To the Scyther’s surprise, the Lucario just stood where he was, mouth slightly agape in apparent disbelief.

Darney cracked a slight smile. “You need some time alone with your thoughts, I see. Good day … your Highness,” he said with a mock bow. He then swiftly turned and walked out of the room through the doorway.

“W-what?” Nickolas stuttered as he tried to process what had just happened. He couldn’t believe that the absolute power built up by his family over the course of three centuries was decimated within ninety seconds.

Everything his ancestors, his grandfather, his father, and he had worked for gone in a flash. Governance over his land had vanished just as the light of the sun passed behind a thick cloud. They took it away! My crown! My Kingdom!

The disbelief gave way to absolute rage in one violent scream as Nickolas curled his right paw into a fist and slammed it into the nearest bookshelf. The shelf built from wood of the forests of the Far Reach splintered under the heavy blow. Books on the shelf flew to the ground in a flutter as pages of knowledge were torn by the sovereign’s wrath.

“No! No!! NO!!” he screamed as he repeatedly slammed his fist into the fractured remains of the wooden furniture. Suddenly, as the sun again broke through the clouds, his anger dissipated.

Nickolas fell to his knees and let his head drop down towards the hard, marble floor. His entire body shuddered as he attempted to gulp down as much air as he could. He couldn’t take it; not anymore. His citizens were being crushed by injustice, his armies were being crushed by their enemies, his government was being crushed by his own advisors, and right now, Nickolas was being crushed with repressed emotion.

One low sob escaped his throat and it was instantly followed by another, and yet another. Small rivulets of tears made their way down his face from the corners of his closed eyes.
Memories of the happier times before the war, before the Crisis of Time, before the Falling Star, all flashed in front of his eyes.

His father, still in the prime of his health laughed as he waved to the crowds of adoring Pokemon. Celebrating the thirtieth year of his reign.

His mother scolding him as he ran without care through the gold lined halls of the palace. His wife, the love of his life, celebrating their son’s first year of life. The celebration that lasted three days in the streets of Silver.

Then, the memories changed for the worse as his sobs increased. His father, coughing violently as the assassin’s poison ate through his veins. His father, lying on the cold marble floor as his advisors raced for help. His father, whispering his final blessing and bestowing his son the crown with his last labored breath.

His mother, consumed by sorrow, ended her life with an emulation of the poison that had taken her soul mate only a week prior.

Himself, ten years ago when his world collapsed once more. When those ungrateful Colonists took his love away from him forever, stealing away her life.

And most recently, himself once again, refusing to look as he signed the order. The order that made him run away from everything he once knew. That made him a fugitive.

The memories did not subside until he felt the forceful shake of two small wings and the concerned voice of Wevan that broke him from the horrible slideshow.

“Sir? Sir?! Are you okay, sir?! Oh, do please get up, sir! Oh, Articuno, what should I do?!” the Delibird cried as Nickolas attempted to breathe once again. His body slowly recovered with the influx of air and he sat upright.

“I-I’m f-fine. Thanks, Wevan,” the Lucario said in between his panting breaths.

Wevan carefully removed his wings from his king’s back. “Thank the Legends, you’re alright …” the butler sighed in relief that his lord had not yet kicked the proverbial bucket.

“Umm, I’ll go make some Oran tea for you sir. I know you like that. I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” he stated quickly, before hurriedly running out of the study down to the kitchens.

“Yes, thank you,” Nickolas mumbled as he closed his eyes again allowing his thoughts to wander for one brief moment. Oh, Alexandria … What do I do now?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am dead. Dead to the gods. Dead to those who once knew me. Dead to the false knowledge. Dead to the world above.
“Dive right! There are patrols on the left up ahead! Keep running!”

“No! It’s over! It’s all over! There’s nothing left! They’ve all left me!”
I’ve become little more than a shadow of my former self.

Yet I live. Deep within the darkest recesses of the truth, away from the lies above. I don’t know exactly how I became how I am. Yet somehow I did.
“Get a hold of yourself! You must focus! It’s not over! There! A ladder! Climb!”

My mind slips into the insanity that plagues me. Reminding me of my failures.
“No! No! No! There’s nothing! I’m nothing! You’re just a figment of my imagination! Leave me alone!” Screaming delusions of my tortured mind.

I once obeyed this hypothetical truth. A promise made up by those who wish to repress true knowledge all for the sake of greed and corruption. They controlled me and those who once knew me. And we did not question them.
Days and months passed by, yet I did not waver from the viewpoint they forced upon us.
“Listen to me! Please! You’re hallucinating again. Just take a deep breath and try to block out the visions! You have to focus.”

I beg you, do not judge me. I was lost in the night of ignorance, without a lantern or torch to guide me.
“I’m not crazy! I’m not crazy! I’mnotcrazy! I’mnotcrazyI’mnotcrazy!”
I’m afraid I am.

I do not know when, but I woke up. Woke up from the moral sleep our overseers had subjected us to. Woken up from a dream only to face the living nightmare that had ensnared itself into our lives so deeply that there was no escape from it.
“Snap out of it! Whether you like it or not, you are insane, at least until we get out of here.”

I dug deeper into the heart of the false truth, while putting on the façade of continued compliance to their immoral orders. Their countless violations of justice; they did not go unnoticed by my furtive eyes. Until I found it. The source of the lies.
“It saw me! The crystal eyes! They’re always watching! Stop watching me!
In my previous position, I would have been most intrigued about the illusions and acute paranoia of a Pokemon’s mind. Now, I have become my own test subject.

Their greatest triumph.
A heart and mind made of the pure concentrations of their unceasing disregard for justice, truth, and ideology. Contempt for their own founding creed. They created a mind of science.
“You have to focus! Get a hold of yourself! We’re going to be captured if you don’t move!

He aided them. He used the overseers to unseat the kings of the past and future. In order to preserve the world. To safeguard it for eternity. What a joke. He was the cartographer of the map to upset the reign of justice.
“Y-you’re right. I- we must keep—There! I saw them! Get away! Get away!”
It’s truly disgusting seeing how far I’ve fallen.

I could not remain where I was. I fled. I evaded the false knowledge. Taking refuge in the last remaining strongholds of truth that remained in this hell.
“Don’t believe what you see! Listen to me! None of that is real! Just listen to me!”

The variables had not yet been in place. Gone. Unfinished. Destroyed. Hidden from the light of the righteous. Trapped under the lies of our generation.
“How can I trust you! You’re one of them! You always were! Get away!”
If I can’t trust my own conscious, how can I trust someone else’s?

Heaven shone a light down upon me. It cast me into favor. How could something has pure and innocent as ideology exist in this wasteland of hatred and progress?
“We’ve been over this before! I am not one of them! You made sure of that.”

I dared not question. Not again. Together, we worked. Justice and ideals. To overthrow the false truth and free others from its tyrannical grip.
“That’s just what they would say! Get away from me! I hate you! I hate all you! You-- You’re trying to kill me!” Trusting a conscious that’s not even my own.

We failed. Together we fled as far as we could, yet the mind of science aided by the spawns of coding barricaded us. Trapped us on the bridge connecting the span of dimensions.
“Just listen to yourself right now! You’re confused. What would she think right now?

The cold winds of prejudice battered us. Making our wills slip ever so slightly. In our hour of need, a spawn of coding saw through the wool of lies. The wired heart’s eyes were opened to see the evil that surrounded it.
“D-don’t you dare mention her! Not again! Not ever again!”
What have I become? All in my quest for the truth...

The heart of wire was not enough to keep the mind of science and the founder of lies attack with the cold winds of prejudice. We fell. Off the bridge spanning the two worlds: knowledge and freedom.
“No! I will mention her! What would she think of you right now?! Accusing me of treachery! What would she say to you?! Tell me!”

Our spirits fell. The abyss of ultimate ignorance awaited us. Its jaws open like a predator. An ocean of darkness accepted the fall of our light. Drowning it swiftly.
“ No! No! Stop it! I can hear her! I hear her! She’s saying I’m a bad Pokemon! No I’m not! You’re lying! You’re lying! Stop lying to me! Stop it!”
In the clear instances when my mind is fully mine, I stop to wonder about my predicament.

I swam, rescuing the heart of wire and the wounded soul of ideals from the ocean of darkness.
Prejudice had left its mark on the ideals and such a way that there was no recovery.
“She’s telling you to snap out of it. None of those visions are real. She’s telling you to listen to me. It’s not real.”

I wandered with the heart of wire and the dying ideals through the lost halls underneath the fortress of lies and inequity.
“N-no! No! They’re real! R-real! R-r-real? N-not real? Not real ... Y-you’re right. I can hear her …They’re … They’re going away. The visions …”
I used to be respected! I used to be free! I used to be sane!

It was there, among the halls, where ideals were truly lost. Truth was not enough to save it. The wired heart lead me onwards toward half-hearted salvation.
“Good. Just take some deep breaths. In. Out. That’s it. There’s some Luminous Orbs in the supply room ahead. Those will help you. Come on. We have to climb.”

I found salvation. Salvation in the forgotten knowledge that still existed unmolested under the crushing bastion of false truths.
“I-I’m sorry. For yelling at you. You’re the last friend I have in this hell. I shouldn’t have let those voices get the better of me. I-it’s me. I need the sun, it’s getting to my head.”
There’s nothing for me, but a hope that’s been shattered and taped back together more times than I can count.

He found me. The One who has strived to find the balance between truth and ideals. He comforted me in my darkest hour. When my mind could not react according to reason.
“It’s alright. I forgive you. You can’t help it … That’s why we have to climb. So you can get to the surface again. So we can escape.”

He promised that freedom would be at hand. Freedom from the clutches of those who restrain the truth. From those who wish to ensnare the world.
“I know we have to escape, but we can’t leave. Not yet. Otherwise there will be no one to guide the heroes when they get here. They won’t survive without us. They must have a guide. And I must find her.”
He visits me every so often. He speaks all proper, like it’s a business meeting. He says the same thing every time “patience”. If only to remind me:

I ascended into the passages of the false knowledge with the wired heart. To prepare for the coming of the heroes of injustice.
“You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”
That I will see the sun again. One day. My mind will become clear once again. The heroes will allow me to.
“You don’t understand… I have to stay. To guide them. To find her. Otherwise the world will burn.”

I will be free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aleck groaned. His body stirred on the floor of the damp dungeon. As his nose picked up the smell of decaying straw, he slowly opened his crystal eyes.

He instantly knew something was wrong as soon as he realized that one side of his vision was completely dark. He carefully raised a claw to the darkened eye and to his horror, felt the deep cracks in it. Then he remembered: the mysterious Scyther, the kill list, the money, everything from the night before.

Swallowing his panic, he looked around the room that confined him. It was small, the ceilings barely high enough to keep from smashing his head on it. The walls appeared to be built completely of stone. Though whatever kind it was, he instantly knew it would be too hard for him to dig his way out.

He turned his head to the only source of light, a flickering torch in the hallway. He was separated from the warmth of the fire by a gate of iron bars with a firm lock attached to it.
He gripped the bars with his claws and shook them as hard as he could, hoping to attract some attention.

“Hey! Let me out of here! Someone answer me!” he angrily yelled. Suddenly, heavy footsteps made him cease his calling.

A large Pokemon with a thick hide of purple complete with several pointed spikes stopped in front of his cell. He took his fist and slammed it against the bars.
Aleck leaped backwards in fright, while the Nidoking let out a gruff laugh.

“Better keep quiet, little Kingdom rat, otherwise you’ll lose another eye,” he chuckled as he continued his patrol down the hallway, leaving Aleck alone once more.

“Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.

“You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”

“Giratina?! Is that you?!” Aleck gasped, excitedly looking around the dungeon with his functioning eye.

“Not quite, regrettably. Though I am an emissary for those in high places. Regardless, knowledge of my identity is not required for my purpose here.”

“W-who are you?” Aleck said in a stuttering whisper as the dungeon seemed to grow colder. The slight warmth the torch provided dissipating gradually as the voice’s presence grew closer..

“You must not have heard me, merchant, when I said my identity is not necessary for this conversation."

“W-what do you want?! Show yourself, phantom!” Aleck demanded, trying to summon his courage as he faced the unseen threat.

“I’m afraid I work best from the shadows, Aleck, so I cannot hope to oblige to your demands. I can however, shed some light on the issue at hand. Such as, why you are in a nice, cozy prison cell and not --purely for example-- face down, throat slit in a ravine.

Aleck gulped in fright. “Please, don’t hurt me. I’m only ...” he pleaded, his voice breaking off mid-sentence. He huddled in a corner of the dungeon, whimpering slightly

“Only what, Aleck? A murderer? A backstabbing thief? A traitor? Neither Derek nor Team Salient got a chance to argue the fate you forced upon them; why should I hear your plea? The temperature in the cell continued to drop until Aleck could see his own terrified breath turn into mist.

“I was wrong! I was greedy! I nearly killed them, but it was that Scyther that—!”

“Enough! I care not for whom you place the blame for your own mistakes. Tell me, why I should give you the chance that Salient never had?”

“I am sorry! I wish I had thrown the money on the ground! I should have walked away from his deal! What more can I say to make you believe that?!” Aleck cried. A deep mist enveloped the prison cell, making the area around Aleck a wall of pure darkness.

“I cannot believe anything you say as your lies are hard to distinguish from the truth. I’m certain Derek would be disappointed to see the cesspool of greed and deceit your life has become. Was your ‘friendship’ with him, however brief, nothing? Just a way to advance yourself? A way to temporarily satiate your greed?

“D-don’t mention his name. Not even after all this time. Not after what happened to him.” He whimpered as memories from his distant past resurfaced in vivid detail.

“Why not? You used him. He was only a tool to pass the blame onto for your mistakes. He took the fall in your place. He got what you and you alone deserved.”

“He was my friend! I tried to save him, but I couldn’t!” Aleck roared, stamping his clawed foot on the stone floor.

“Yet you never felt even the slightest amount of grief or regret afterwards. You never felt--”

“You don’t know what I felt!” Aleck interrupted, “I lost a friend! You have no idea how much the guilt ate at me! You’re the one who doesn’t know anything! You’re nothing! You’re-- Gaaakkk!” he clutched at his throat as an unseen force crushed it. His vision began to darken as his body suffered from the withdrawal of precious oxygen.

“Do. Not. Insult. Me. Nod your head once if you understand. Otherwise you can permanently say goodbye to your motor functions.” Despite on the verge of passing out, Aleck managed to nod as per the voice’s instructions.

“Excellent.” As suddenly as it appeared, the crushing pressure on his windpipe immediately released. Aleck collapsed to the floor gasping for breath like a fish out of water.

The voice ignored the Sableye’s weak curses and continued from where he left off.
“So, if given the chance, you would make up for the deed? What would you be willing to do to repay a favor of a lost friend? To repay the debt owed for your life? Hmm?”

“Of course I would! I would do anything! He didn’t deserve what I made him go through … ” he said with a hoarse whisper.

“Would you help Salient? Would you help them in their hour of need if presented the opportunity?

“Yes! Anything!” Tears began to form in his functioning eye.

“Anything? Do you actually know what ‘anything’ entails?

“Yes! I do! Please, I swear I will do anything to ensure their safety! To make it up to them!” the merchant cried, praying to the Dragon of the Dimensions to save him.

“Even at the cost of your life?

Aleck’s heart was about to explode from sheer terror. “Yes! Yes! Anything!”

“You are a pathetic excuse of a Pokemon, do you know that? You traded not only
Salient’s, but also several other’s lives for what? A sack of metal.”

That was when he saw them; two golden eyes glaring at him with a mixture pure loathing and twisted bemusement.

“Prove to me you deserve a second chance, Aleck. Prove that your life was not squandered on self-gratification and worldly possessions. Can you do that?”

The Sableye fell prostrate on the stone floor as he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Yes! I will! I will! Just let me go!”

As if a fire was ignited, the dark mist vanished in a blink of an eye. It left no trace that it had invaded the small prison cell besides a very shook up Aleck who was still huddled in a corner.

“Well then, we will see just how … repentant you are of your actions, won’t we?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright, so as of now, we’re in the middle of a mystery dungeon. Right about here,” Jay stated, pressing his paw against a clump of green on his torn map that represented the mystery dungeon.

After the ordeal of the previous night, they had decided to sleep in shifts until dawn. A plan that would have worked if Leo hadn’t dozed off five minutes into his shift. Fortunately, no interlopers appeared during the night to mess things up even more than they already were.

The morning sun was still creeping its way above the eastern horizon, but its rays provided enough light to see. The dungeon forest surrounding the team was calm, as if they only moved during the night hours.

“We’re still too close to Loyalty to consider ourselves out of the woods yet,” Jay stated again, Leo groaning at his pun. They had all gotten up only a few minutes before and Leo had yet to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

His entire body felt as stiff as a board and sore. This was to be expected from sleeping on a patch of particularly uncomfortable dirt. He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off.

“We have few options once we get out of these woods. Depending on how fast word gets out that we’re wanted, we might have very little time. We can’t go east back to Loyalty, so that leaves us with the Ember Mountains to the south, and Silver City to the west,” Jay said, counting off the limited ways they could leave the forest.

“I vote we go north; my hometown is near the Borderlands,” Kelly suggested, her voice still sounding exhausted from the previous night’s ordeal. Her scream Leo had heard was due to a delayed Orb going off in the main room. Apparently sandstorms and electric types do not go well together. She had her paw placed near a jagged red line on the northern area of the map.

Jay shook his head in obvious disagreement. “That’s also where the war is. We might as well walk into a military base, because that’s what the Borderlands has become,” Jay responded.

“Where do you suggest we go then, Jay?” Kelly snapped, placing her paw down on the map over the jagged red line that indicated the Borderlands.

“Simple, we go to Silver. We can hopefully lie low for a bit and fade from their wanted list,” Jay said confidently, placing his paw down on the large dot near the coast that represented Silver City.

“You say we’re going into a military base with my plan, when you’re suggesting we go the capital! Do you know how many guards are there on a daily basis? Hundreds, at least! No, we’re not going there,” Kelly declared, shooting down Jay’s suggestion.

Jay crossed his arms in frustration. “Well, we’re not going to Solaceon Town, or whatever it’s called. That’s for sure.”

“It’s called Solace Town. And we’re going there and not Silver,” Kelly growled, the spiked fur on her back bristling with electricity.

“How about this town here? It’s far away from the border as well as Silver,” Leo recommended, tapping his claw against a small dot deep within the frontier lands of the Far Reach. Both Kelly and Jay stopped their bickering as they looked at him as if he had grown a third arm.

“A-are you joking?! If you’re not, then you’re insane!” Jay shouted, as Leo jerked his claw off the map.

“Leo, I’m sorry. Though I have to agree with Jay this time. We can’t go to … that town. No one goes there, not anymore,” Kelly said gravely.

“What’s so bad about it?” Leo asked, wondering just what sort of place he had suggested they go.

“Amnesia or not, you don’t forget the stories of Sawgrass Town. Nothing can erase those,” Jay said with a tone of finality. He quickly shifted the conversation.
“That aside, we still have the question of which way to go. I still vote we go west to the coast...”

“And I still say we go north. Leo, would you please back me here?” Kelly pleaded to the Charmeleon.

“Leo, you gotta agree with me here. Or at the very least suggest something helpful,” Jay asked, trying to restore some of the camaraderie they’d lost only a few hours ago.

Leo took a minute to study the weathered map lain across the ancient tree stump. Its rough depictions of mountains, rivers, cities, and territory boundaries all seemed to swirl into a mess of jagged black lines.

After observing the areas where each of his teammates wanted to go, the solution he saw was so simple he wondered how it hadn’t even dawned on Jay or Kelly.

“How about we head northwest? We’ll still be close to both areas and far from Loyalty. And when the time comes, we’ll decide which way looks better. We’re still in the middle of a forest that’s trying to kill us, so I’d like to leave it as soon as possible.”

Leo wasn’t sure how Jay and Kelly ended up accepting his suggestion of going northwest, but they had, and that was all that mattered. Against Jay’s wishes, they split the last of their food—a single bruised apple—in what tried to pass itself off as a breakfast.

Leo was sure that tempting his stomach with that morsel of food only made his hunger worse for the wear. Despite still being deprived of food and a decent night’s sleep, they had set off from the glade just after dawn.

Under the dense treetops, the warmth of the sun was prevented from reaching the actual forest floor. The dew of the night before had accumulated on the trail, mixing with the layers of dead leaves and other refuse on the ground until it obtained the consistency of sludge and made a disgusting sloping noise with every footstep.

If the mire that was the dungeon trail wasn’t bad enough, the temperature stubbornly refused to warm the forest below the treetops. This wouldn’t have affected Leo as much if it hadn’t chilled the mud, doubling the feeling of gloom that had settled over the group. Kelly had it worst of all, having to walk on all fours through the cold sludge.

And so it remained for the next hour or so: walking, shivering, and occasionally complaining about the mud. When they finally saw the end of the trail and the clear field beyond, they simultaneously started to race towards it.

Mud sprayed into the air as the team scrambled as fast as they could down the forest corridor. Despite tripping and sliding face first into the mud several times, Leo continued to run, ignoring the stinging sensation in his tail brought on by the mud.

Once they had passed through the freezing spatial boundary of the of the dungeon, the team found themselves standing in a giant field of low grass. The sun, despite partially shielded by passing clouds, had never felt so good. Leo rested on his back in the grass, holding his tail off the ground to prevent a fire, and allowed the sun to warm his entire body. Leo could see Jay and Kelly both copying him, as they warmed themselves and brushed the drying mud off their bodies.

Taking a deep breath, Leo sat up and surveyed the field. Fortunately, this field appeared to be nothing like the one he had first woke up in. Small birds chirped as they flew over the pasture, the wind blew normally, and, as far as he could tell, there were no Pokemon, either from the Kingdom or wild, trying the kill them.
Unfortunately, this calm was shattered as a cheerful voice greeted them from the sky.

“Hey! There you all are!” At once, they all looked up in bewilderment. A small moving spec in the sky suddenly started to circle downwards towards them. As it got closer to the ground, they could identify the bird’s brown feathers and red crest. Within a few seconds, the bird had landed in the middle of the team.

“Thank Zapdos, I was able to find you all! Lucky you all came out of the forest when you did,” the bird chirped excitedly as Jay took a closer look at the Pidgeotto.

“Wait a second … Icarus, is that you?” the Riolu asked, realization hitting him like a punch.

“In the flesh,” he responded, unfurling his right wing and directed the group to a scar along it where the bone was giving proof of his identity. “Healed quite nicely after our little mishap in Spore Meadows, don’t ya think?”

“What on earth are you doing here, Icarus? I thought you were busy with the military or otherwise engaged,” Kelly asked, trying to elicit some answers from their former client.

“You were supposed to pay us back for rescuing you,” Jay added, making Icarus cringe with the memory.

“Jay, shut up. Forget about that Icarus. Tell us, why were you looking for us?” Leo asked receiving a sharp glare from his team leader.

“R-right. Anyways, after I left you all, I waited a few days for the healers to fix up my wing. Today was my second day back to work, actually. Yesterday I delivered a message to the army camped in the Bronze Valley---” Icarus rambled.

“Today, Icarus. We kinda have to keep moving,” Jay snapped at the Bird Pokemon.

Icarus flapped his wings once. “Alright, alright. I’m going. Right. Today I had to deliver a message to Gear. Something about potential recruits, I think,” he said, as Kelly immediately pressed him with questions.

“Did you talk to him?! Why did he order us arrested?!” Icarus put up his wings, indicating to withhold her interrogation.

“Please, wait a minute. I’m getting to that. Well, when I arrived his office to deliver the message, I found a Skarmory instead of him. Apparently this guy is the governor of the province,” Icarus explained.

“Wait … we have a governor?” Jay asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“ I know; it surprised me too. Anyways, that’s not the worst part. I looked at the walls and I saw scorch marks. A lot of them. And I couldn’t get the governor--- Richellie, Richylou, Ricardo--- whatever his name was, I couldn’t get him to tell me what happened to Gear. It was the deputy, Axis, I think, that told me what happened,” Icarus further elaborated, pausing for breath.

“So, what happened?” Leo asked, even though he could already guess what happened to the kind Magnezone.

Icarus bowed his head, as if dreading the news he was about to reveal.
“He killed him. The governor killed him for not obeying orders. Apparently, there was a list of traitors, your team name was on it along with some others, and he refused to follow it. It was the governor who ordered the arrest, not Gear,” Icarus somberly informed the team.

“He’s gone. He’s really gone,” Jay whispered in disbelief. Leo couldn’t believe it either. Gear had been the first Pokemon he met that somewhat supported him. He had helped him when he was lost and confused. Gear…

“Well, I got outta there as fast as I could. I knew you lot weren’t evil Pokemon, much less traitors, so I went to find you. Your base was completely destroyed, burned to a crisp. But, I saw a squad of Magnemite still sweeping the area, so I knew you all had escaped,” the Pidgeotto explained.

“I spent the last few hours circling above the forest before I saw you all in the field,” he said before continuing.
“You know? You guys were really lucky you came out of the forest where you did. They’ve got patrols along the north and west of here.”

At this both Jay and Kelly’s faces fell. Richelieu had wasted no time in making up for his squad’s failure the previous night. Wanted posters were already beginning to dot bulletin boards across the Between countryside.

“Well, that throws a Blast Seed at our plans,” Jay grumbled, putting his paws behind his head in exasperation.

“No kidding …” Kelly sighed in reluctant agreement.

“Thanks, Icarus. You kept us from walking straight into two traps,” Leo said gratefully as he gave the bird a pat on the back.

“You’re welcome. Anyways, it sounds like you all have no place to go, right?” Icarus asked, quickly hopping away from the Charmeleon.

“That’s right,” Leo answered, “or unless they have any other ideas.” He jabbed a claw towards his teammates, who simply shook their heads.

“That’s great! Actually, that’s really horrible, but it’s still great!” Icarus exclaimed, flapping his wings several times in excitement.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Jay demanded, as Icarus slowly gathered himself.

“What I mean is that there’s a military encampment a few hours in this direction. The general there often turns a blind eye towards recruits if they have a record, so you all can go there,” Icarus explained, extending his wing down the dirt trail that cut across the field.

More than slightly suspicious, Jay wasn’t about to believe a Pokemon that had conned them into rescuing him for free.
“You’re serious, right? No tricks?”

“None at all. I still owe you guys a favor, don’t I?” Icarus stated. His expression screamed of a longing to be absolved of his debt to the team.

“Jay, I think we can trust him,” Leo said, turning towards Icarus before Jay could refuse.
“We’d be grateful for a place to stay and be safe.” Despite his beak limiting his expressions somewhat, the tell-tale signs of a smile made its way across the Pidgeotto’s feathered face.

“Excellent! I’ll fly ahead and let Torrent know you all are coming. Remember, it’s just straight ahead on this path. You should arrive there around sundown if you’re lucky,” Icarus reminded the group before flapping his wide wings several times and made his way into the air.

After watching his flying form grow smaller and smaller until it disappeared altogether, the team gathered up their meager belongings and started, once again, down the path through the field.

The lush field offered little cover from any direction save for the tall grasses still growing strong from the torrential summer rains that fed them. The almost noxious aroma of the thousands of grass buds and wild flowers clouded Leo’s head. His footsteps along the dry dirt made a hypnotic thudding noise that only made the trek feel longer.

The late summer heat took its toll on the team as they trudged through the field. Leo wished that a well of water would appear alongside the path, or anything that could potentially quench his thirst. He thought it was a cruel working of fate that he was stuck in this body. Wanting nothing more to take a plunge into a lake, but also loathing the thought of having water splash onto him.

His torpid trance was broken only occasionally when he, in his senseless state, stepped off a raised ledge and fell forward, usually giving the ground a nice impression of his face while doing so. Kelly and Jay seemed to have also been taken captive by the same mind-numbing trance as they continued plodding on, Kelly only weakly looking back at him and urging him to get up.

The cycle continued: walk, heat, thirst, smell, trip, repeat. It was if some sick deity had cut out the same mile of field and made them walk the same stretch again and again for his own personal amusement. Leo shivered, even as the sun scorched his back, thinking of all his experiences in this world so far.

While the Fields hadn’t actively tried to kill him, they had proved to be both emotionally as well as physically draining. It had truly acted like a dungeon. His luck had continued to go downhill from there when he was arrested and his subsequent first mission with them into Spore Fields.
He’d very nearly been blasted into nothing if the badges had not reactivated when they had.

It was then, in the infirmary … I first heard him, he realized as his feet momentarily stopped.
He told me then to wake up and see past the corruption. The corruption … was he talking about this ‘governor’ person? Killing Gear? What that what he meant? Leo mused as his thoughts evolved, rapidly putting together the limited pieces he had to this complex puzzle.

He told me that this would happen! He warned me about the Magnemite arresting that Golduck and the ambush by Nexus. He knew! The revelation hit him like a sack of particularly hard rocks. His feet continued to remain rooted to the spot as Kelly and Jay marched further ahead of him. His mind continued to race toward a conclusion that was nowhere in sight.

And in the forest! He... the fire and ice … the voice … his voice. He told me not to leave again. Did he know something else, too? That thing was planning something and Leo knew it.

Back at the base. That wasn’t me dodging or running. It was something else. It wasn’t me. It was him.

“I was wondering when you would figure that bit out. I’m glad you have more functioning neurons than Nexus claimed you did.” The voice had come out of nowhere, and as Leo looked around the grassy field, it remained as invisible as the wind.

Why? No other thought was so prevalent on his mind. The wind seemed to whip the reeds as the voice responded.

“The how and why of my actions cannot be disclosed at this time due to … well … I’m really not at liberty to say. I have agreed to abide by certain … restrictions, barring my influence over you and some select others.”

Who? Who else is going through this?! Leo’s thoughts screamed as the voice simply sighed in exasperation.

“Once again, I am not at liberty to say. Now listen closely, Leo, I am asking --quite politely, I might add-- for one thing. Only one. I am currently … entangled in some rather pressing … matters concerning the ‘legality’ of this operation. All I ask is that you stay the course without needing an … intervention on my part. Can you do this, Leo?”

“What’s in it for me if I accept?” he whispered, finally finding his voice again.

“It seems that you’re looking to much into the illusion of free choice I have given you. But, if you must, I will limit my intrusions into your addled head if you comply. The longer you follow my directions, the less I will have to …. correct your actions. Do we have a deal?” the voice chuckled.

“…Yes,” Leo croaked.

“Wise choice, my friend. I will meet you up ahead...” With that haunting remark, the presence left, only the torrid sun and tall waves of grass remaining to remind Leo of what was still real. He looked ahead through the rippling grass at the two blue and yellow specks in the distance. He sighed as he found his feet again and began catching up to his teammates.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Continued on next post.

[Knightfall]

The sun had finally begun its fiery descent into the western horizon, painting the sky in vivid colors of fading blue, blazing orange, and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all.

Jay had called for a break from walking sometime around noon, when the sun was at its hottest. Said “break” that included all three of them foraging among the brush for some edible berries and roots, a loud argument over which round blue berry was poisonous or not, and finally eating the berries that were decided to be non-lethal, and fortunately were.

They were all tired and still caked with dirt from their escape from the forest. The military camp was nowhere in sight; even on top of a ridge nothing remotely resembling a camp could be seen for miles around. As the sun’s rays no longer provided enough light to see, they used Leo’s tail as a torch to guide them.
The waning moon provided only a fraction of the light it did the night before, making determining their path difficult. The wind barely rustled the grass on both sides of them, causing an eerily haunting sound like the rattling cries of some primal beast.

At first, Leo dismissed the sounds of the grass as the movement of the unblowing summer wind, but as it continued to follow them as they moved along, he increasingly grew paranoid that something was out there.

The dry stalks of wild grass rattled against each other. Leo could have sworn that he detected the faintest hint of a shadow darting behind a clump of the plants. He strained his eyes, holding his tail in front of him as a flashlight of sorts to aid in his search.

Jay and Kelly both halted behind him, sensing the same feeling of being watched. The grass seemed to suddenly cease all movement, causing the three fugitives to form a tight circle in the middle of the path. With only the small area that Leo’s tail lit up to effectively see, they remained silent, hoping to either confirm or deny the validity of being stalked.

“Who’s out there?! We know you’re there!” Jay shouted at the mass of weeds surrounding them. No voice came forth to answer his demand, only a whisper of wind, and ---what sounded like--- the scurrying of feet over the dew-ridden soil.

“I-I know you’re there! Show yourself!” Jay screamed again, his apparent confidence betrayed by a slight stutter.

Against the unspoken arguments of his teammates, Jay stepped forward out of the small circle of flickering light that gave the illusion of safety. Leo held his breath as he waited for something horrible to happen, but nothing happened. Jay glanced around, scanning the grass for any hostile life. He turned around to signal that it was all clear. He never got that far.

Almost as soon as his back was turned, a green tendril shot out from the thicket and snared the Riolu. It coiled around his legs, tripping him as he tried to walk back to his team. Jay’s cry of pain and confusion was cut off as the vine snapped back and dragged him into the thicket.

Just as Leo braced himself to jump into the brush to rescue his leader, something hard and blunt slammed into the side of his head. He stumbled on the spot, his vision going white for a split second.

He tried to turn around to face his attacker, but instead of an identity, he was greeted by another blow to the opposite side of his head. Before he could dizzily stagger a single step forward, a small black foot collided with his stomach. Leo doubled over wheezing, but not before the same black foot slammed into his ankles, knocking them out from under him.

Leo couldn’t find the energy to tell his lungs to inhale. His entire body hurt from the swift beating it endured. His vision blurred and his lungs burned. He could see a blueish figure standing directly above him. The Pokemon snapped something in it’s paws and pressed it to Leo’s mouth and nose.

His body was begging for air, but he knew he couldn’t breathe in whatever toxin his assailant had. Despite feeling weaker and weaker with every second without air, Leo tried to force the Pokemon off of him by swinging his claws vaguely in the attacker’s direction.

The Pokemon over him grunted some curse and pressed harder with the toxic seed, but Leo couldn’t comprehend it. His body couldn’t take it anymore. Any notion of free will left him and basic survival instincts took over. Leo’s mouth opened and he gulped in a mouthful of air, dust from the seed intermixed within it.

Instead of getting clearer, Leo’s vision grew even blurrier as the toxins dulled his senses and relaxed his muscles. Leo felt his eyelids droop lower and lower as weight was added to them. He couldn’t fight it any longer, the fatigue from the night before and earlier that day caught up with him in a single, finishing blow. Leo closed his eyes and allowed his body to drift off into drug induced slumber.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They are safe, for the time being. There is no need to worry about them at the moment. I’m afraid we have bigger … tribulations to take care of first, my liege. Seeing as you are rather … occupied at the moment. I see it in my duty to take on the role of arbiter in this conflict.”

…...
“I will do what I can when I must. For lasting peace.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Notes:

As usual, I’d like to thank everyone who gave me advice on this while I wrote it, and my beta reader. My story would look very different if it wasn’t for you guys.

This chapter truly marks the break with the first arc in my opinion. We’ll be seeing a new setting for the next set of chapters.
We’ll also be seeing some new characters, as well as a reappearance of a few from chapters past.
Now, I know that the section in the middle with the incoherent rambling doesn’t necessarily follow the rules of grammar, but it had to be like that.

Well, I have mid-terms in the early part of January, so I’ll be occupied by those when the time comes, but rest assured that I plan on doing a lot of writing during my winter break.

Thanks to everyone who has read this so far. Over 10,000 views, I can't believe it....

Until next time, and Happy Holidays,

Knightfall signing off...

[Azurus]

"they team found themselves standing" should be "the"

"The the heat" one too many "the's"

"Jay called a for abreak" one too many "a's"

I wonder who took the group captive this time, unless it's the army guys they were gonna go meet anyway.
Looking forward to chapter 10.