In just a short section, you've already twice described the pokemon as trying to hold Aleck's attention. It's not bad, and it could be done well by showing the new pokemon's exasperation, but here it just kind of reads as the same thing happening twice.
Originally Posted by Knightfall
Also the narration is shifty here. We have Aleck's internal monologue, but we also have the new pokemon's intentions narrated to us. It's a bit jerky, and you may know by now how much I hate shifting narration.
This line is a bit hokey-comical, but it works. It did make me chuckle, and Aleck is just the minor jokey character to pull it off. Nice use of silliness to set off the otherwise serious nature of everything. The real selling part is that HE ACTUALLY HAS A BUILT-IN PLAN FOR THIS. It's not just WILLINGNESS to kill and hide a body; he actually knows how and where to do it. It's nice, subtle characterization.
“W-what do I need to do?! I-I’ll do anything! Anything! Kill someone?! Hide the body?! There’s some caves nearby in the mountains, no one will ever find the--” Aleck stuttered as the amount of money in front on him nearly gave him a heart attack. The Scyther stopped him before his babbling could continue with a gentle tap with the broad side of his scythe.
The "might I ask..." bit seems a bit too formal for Aleck.
“I’ll do it! Just one thing though. Might I ask what is in this parcel you speak of?” Aleck asked as he reached toward the knot on the papers. The stranger swung a scythe down onto the counter, missing the Sableye’s curious claws by millimeters.
This might be a miss. I don't know what "grating machinery" might be, so the description is a little lost. Maybe it's just me, though.
Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory,
I see you're taking my comments about how certain pokemon might grab/handle things to heart.
Richelieu gently pierced the report on the desk with the tip of his steel wing and held it up to his eyes as to read it.
I think "Why, I never!" is another line that is just an old timey cliche, and it's hard to imagine anyone saying it in an actual, serious fashion. It is fun, but... unlikely, I'd say.
“Why I, never! As Governor of the Between lands, I am enacting Executive Order Forty-Seven. Guards, dispose of this defective automaton,” the riled governor squawked as he retreated a safe distance from the inevitable fight.
I like the first bit about the static and the vulgarity. Good visual (audio?).
Static accompanied the many curses and swears that bounced off the stone walls of the office chamber as Gear turned in a complete circle, firing off quick bursts of electricity from all three of his magnets, keeping the assailants at bay.
This brings up a thought...how "alive" is a Magneton? Is it just sentient machinery? Or is it actually living, breathing with some kind of organs and what not (inorganic though they may be). It makes me think.
After seeing their comrade destroyed inches from their eyes, the other guards instinctively let up on their assault and retreated. Gear hovered low in the air, heavy static “breathing” emanating from his speakers as he tried to recover from the near short circuit.
I think he means he IS going to be blunt. That is pretty blunt.
“Now listen closely Gear, if you can. I can call my seven other units waiting in the hallway in here, and I think you will know how that will end, Gear. I’m not going to be blunt, either you accept that I am in control here now, or else I will have you killed. What’s your choice, Gear?” the Skarmory asked, his ultimatum working its way through Gear’s damaged core.
"making them seem like orbs of white hot light" is not a particularly powerful simile. It doesn't pack much of a punch. Maybe just shift it around; "Gear's magnets became orbs of white-hot light as they lit up with electricity"?
With a pained screech, Gear’s magnets lit up with electricity, making them seem like orbs of white-hot light. Richelieu’s yellow eyes widened for a split second as he scrambled along the floor with his crumpled wings, hiding behind the cowering Magneton.
Wow, that's a sinister line.
He approached Gear’s ruined chassis cautiously. After examining Gear’s burnt metal body he let out a snort.
“Funny how all fairy tales of rebellions succeeding are just that,” he said with a mirthful chuckle.
I must say, I'm very curious about the backstory of Gear and Richeliu. They obviously know each other. How? Why the animosity between them? Are they career rivals? It's a very interesting relationship they seem to have, and I'd love to know more about it. Will we ever find out?
I don't know what "arcing" is.
Suddenly, Gear’s body let out a spark, followed by several wires arcing
as Gear’s cracked center eye slowly lit up once more. Gear’s processor was reeling; against his calculations, he had somehow survived the suicidal attack.
Lose the "putting it mildly" bit. It weakens the description overall. I know you mean to make the attack sound WORSE by adding it, but the additional words just end up detracting from the effect.
The Skarmory pulled on the eye, ignoring Gear’s weak screeches of protest. To Gear, putting it mildly, it felt as if his brain was being ripped from his head. The fallen officer let all pretenses of dignity behind as his buzzes of pain swiftly turned into screeches of agony.
Oh, we're totally getting an eventual heroic turn from Axis, aren't we?
“H-have to ZT! f-follow orders. Follow ZT! orders …”
As per usual, I'll probably take a break here and finish it up later. Quick notes:
-Your overall grammar and sentence structure issues from the first few chapters have improved tremendously. You've obviously put a LOT of work into that area, and it is showing. Great work!
-The pacing continues to be outstanding. This reads as a legitimate novel; there is a LOT of stuff going on, and even though it does not inherently SEEM to be inter-connected, it obviously is all going to be. Everything is very disparate, but headed in a steady direction. You are not rushing, and are allowing everything to happen a leisurely (in a good way) pace. Characters are being developed (though, oddly, not Jay yet. But I know that will be coming), and the reader is being pulled into the story. Well done.
I like the imagery of the Pidove. That is a neat little detail to think of.
Originally Posted by Knightfall
The end there is a bit rough. to read. Maybe a better way would be "...he saw that even his once-shallow heartbeat had stopped completely".
The Charmeleon was still slumped against the wall, stuck in the unconscious state he had been in previously. Taking a timid step closer to his teammate, he saw that not even his shallow heartbeat was still going.
I want to guess a Darkrai, but they don't have golden eyes. Hmmm.
”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?”
the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.
The dim light of the Luminous Orb shards was completely covered up. The only source of light being the gleam of a pair of golden eyes. Jay involuntarily shivered from the increased chill as Kelly and Leo disappeared from his view.
“Y-you! Why are you here?!”
Jay shouted into the wall of shadow, his voice seemed like it was confined to his mind, like it wasn’t making any audible noise. The voice gave a slight chuckle as the eyes faded, but the voice began to resonate from all around the Riolu.
The part I bolded makes it sound like the voice laughed before Jay even finished the thought. Which COULD mean the voice is clairvoyant! Or maybe it should just be "Jay retorted, causing the voice to let out..." But it might fit the Voice better if he knows what Jay is about to say; I don't know what the voice is.
“Saved me?! I don’t think so. I was doing fine until you showed up,” Jay retorted as the voice let out a roar of shrill laughter.
Jay was forced to cover his ears as he waited for the voice to regain its composure.
This is just my opinion, but I think an ellipses would be more ominous/foreboding there than the comma before "more or less".
“If you’d simply allow me time to speak, your questions will be answered, more or less.”
A little messed up on punctuation there. Let me see about fixing it up (I don't like the "anyways", either, so i'll omit that): "That day when I saw your... predicament... well, I could not simply let fate take its couurse".
[i][b] “Such a temper, you really should work on that. Anyways, when I saw your … predicament that day. Well, I could not simply let fate take its course.
Tenacity IMPLIES never giving up, so I wouldn't say both. I'd just say "You and he share tenacity, even when..." or "...share a certain tenaciousness, even when..."
“I saw potential in you, Jay, much like your friend. You and he share the tenacity to never give up, even when the odds appear to be overwhelming. It was that trait that I foresaw a good use for in these troubled times.”
One-sided though it may be, they ARE having a conversation, so no real reason for the sartasti-quotes.
“Never mind that. Why are you here? I think you’ve said all that you’ve needed to say,”
Jay said, changing the course of their “conversation”.
A "show, don't tell" moment here. I'd rather see HOW Jay was released so violently. Did his body jerk? Did he get a migraine? Blood erupting from his ears? That'd be more fun to see than have lightly mentioned.
“What are you talking about?!”
Jay asked. Without an answer from the voice, the dark mist began retreating and Jay suddenly dropped to his knees as his mind was violently released from the creature’s control.
Oh, nevermind, I guess. Here it is.
Jay’s world began to tilt and swim. The dark walls of his vision disintegrated into the vague shapes of the center room of the base. Colors blurred as his hallucination collapsed and reality returned with a fresh wave of nausea.
Retching on the floor, his vision slowly pieced itself back together.
Okay, so the rest of the chapter wasn't bad. Perhaps a little TOO cryptic. It's starting to feel like there might be a bit TOO MANY questions going on, and I can't keep all the different mysteries straight. Where are the scientists from the beginning? What's with Leo's charm thing? What is going on with the rebellions? What's the deal with Richeliu? Who is the voice? What's he want with Leo? What's his history with Jay? And I know there are more than I'm not quite recalling. It seems like we should start getting SOME answers, you know?
Last edited by Sid87; 30th October 2012 at 8:28 PM.
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