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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

  1. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    That poor Gear, apparently I was right and he was too soft and unfit for command, General Magnus would love to take his postion.

    That ???? Mismagius has, like I said before, way too many hands in too many puddings. It will be interesting to see how this all works out.
    He stuck up for his citizens against a corrupt government. He was killed by his own officers for it. He is not what I’d consider soft.

    He’s been around this block a few times before. He knows what he doing, or at least, I hope he does, because I sure don’t …

    Quote Originally Posted by Grav View Post
    Oh sorry but take me off the PM list. My tries for my own fanfic are eating up my time.
    On that note, if you want to cowrite, PM me and we can arrange it.
    I’m sad to see you go, but I will honor the request of the reader. I’ll remove your name with a heavy heart. Good luck in your future endeavors.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Too many references...cant contain the awesomeness!
    Seriously though, wow.
    I knew someone would like all those.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    No! The Money is a Lie!
    Must … resist…. Can’t … I believe you mean “cake”.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    There's the legendary thing. I dunno, not fond of this one.
    I think certain legendaries shouldn't be used as a replacement for god...
    I’ll make sure that any and all future curses/swears/praises/crazed rants are up to this new code. It works pretty well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Aw, Gear really does care. How sweet.
    Well, he was built with a Morality software addition in his core, and this one actually works.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Golden Skarmory...Shiny? Cool.
    It fits his personality nicely, doesn’t it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Oooooh, descent in the ranks... *grabs popcorn*

    Yeah! You tell 'em! *some popcorn spills on the floor as I fist pump*

    Score! Point One for Officer Gear!

    Five to Zero!
    *Aw, out of popcorn. Pauses playback. Makes popcorn. Unpauses. Where was I...Oh yeah.*

    Yeah! What he said!

    Lies! The promotion's a lie! Don't go for it!

    Dang it.

    Murder! Foul, I call foul!
    *throws popcorn at the screen*
    I’m glad you liked the battle scene, even if the ending was … who am I kidding? You should have known that ending was coming the moment the governor walked in. This is Overthrown after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    This one is perfectly fine though, since Kelly is an electric type.

    This works because it isn't a curse.
    Dully noted.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    You! >_>
    “The same to you, mortal …”

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post

    Wait.... Does that mean...? Is Jay...
    No, he can't be....
    O_O
    Interesting theory you got there. Now whether it’s correct or just another bit of a coincidental plot tangent I put in there to throw you off of the real plot remains to be seen.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Love how that seemed to be a casual "Oh, almost forgot, your gonna be attacked any minute, no biggie"
    Well, he’s been manipulating several characters on and off screen, he can’t be expected to remember everything…

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    The same thing that's happening to me sadly...
    We can work through it, somehow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    I loved the chapter. I got into it so much. The last bit was one big convo basically, but the middle bit with Gear was too awesome.
    It's a shame Gear is gone. I didn't like the guy so much, but he was a good dude. But now I have someone new to hate. Even if I can't spell his name.

    Marvelous, as always.
    Well, the title of it is “Interlude” for a reason. It’s a transition chapter, so action wasn’t the main theme of it, just a positive side-effect.

    Gear, he will be missed. He may not have been a major character, but his heart was in the right place. He helped Leo out when he first arrived (kinda), so that’s gotta give him points. It’ll at least keep him out of Android Hell…

    Ah yes, ????, as he is known for now. He is a dislikable character, but he claimed he was working for the greater good. What that means, I haven’t the foggiest.

    Glad (almost)everyone enjoyed the chapter.

    Knightfall signing off…

  2. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Must … resist…. Can’t … I believe you mean “cake”.
    I thought you'd like the reference, lol.

    I’ll make sure that any and all future curses/swears/praises/crazed rants are up to this new code. It works pretty well.
    Cool. Just keep in mind, besides Arceus @ Poison Plate, there is no Poison-typed legendary. There is at least one legendary for every other type though.
    They should fix that.
    Heck, you might find a way to incorporate that.

    Well, he was built with a Morality software addition in his core, and this one actually works.
    Yay, working software!

    It fits his personality nicely, doesn’t it?
    Yes, yes it does.
    That pompous jerk.

    I’m glad you liked the battle scene, even if the ending was … who am I kidding? You should have known that ending was coming the moment the governor walked in. This is Overthrown after all.
    I'd start to grow suspicious if there wasn't a death or a horrid maiming every so often.

    “The same to you, mortal …”
    >->

    Interesting theory you got there. Now whether it’s correct or just another bit of a coincidental plot tangent I put in there to throw you off of the real plot remains to be seen.
    I'll be watching out for supporting references...

    Well, he’s been manipulating several characters on and off screen, he can’t be expected to remember everything…
    I just like the casual tone behind it, lol.

    Ah yes, ????, as he is known for now. He is a dislikable character, but he claimed he was working for the greater good. What that means, I haven’t the foggiest.
    Wasn't talking about him. I was talking about the pompous golden skarmory. Richi...richei--richiell...yeah, i cant spell it.
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  3. #128
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    Oh I know Gear wasn't soft considering his actions, but in the eyes of the other corrupt units, he is too soft (kind) and unfit for command.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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  4. #129
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    Awesome chapter! It's good to see someone getting creative with the Mystery Dungeon 'verse. I always felt not enough writers use it to it's full potential, but this is simply wonderful.

    “Destroy him! The Kingdom cannot have such abominations within it’s work forc—Ah!” Richelieu screeched as Gear shot a bolt of plasma at him. He bird ducked to the side as the attack burned its way into the stone.
    Minor typo. Either 'The bird' or 'he'.

    “BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.
    Go Gear, go! Telling off the governer, you are in inspiration to automatons everywhere.

    With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires.
    Alas, his time was short lived. Based on the previous posters, he'll be missed. I know I'll miss him.

    If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.
    I wonder how much of a joke this is. The king in question doesn't seem very... sane. Not that it isn't justifiable to a small degree based on what happened.

    Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.
    Yep. Despite his manipulative nature, you gotta love him.

    So wake up, my dear. Wake up, and flee the corruption.
    And so, we arrive at what seems to be the point of no return. I have to say, this is fairly impressive. Like I said, props for playing the MD verse. I also love the characters. The average person probably would have trouble dealing with this kinda stuff, and this is reflected in the characters. The alterations you made to the 'normal' setting are extremely interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next.
    I have officially claimed Castform, The Master of all Weather!


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  5. #130
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    Yeah. I will be here, and when I have settled into writing, you can add me back on!
    ISN'T THAT GREAT!
    Formerly Grav.
    Quite inactive, but still available. If you have a fanfic that no one wants to review, PM/VM me and I'll give you a hand.

  6. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Awesome chapter! It's good to see someone getting creative with the Mystery Dungeon 'verse. I always felt not enough writers use it to it's full potential, but this is simply wonderful.
    There aren't enough PMD authors out there, regretably. Fortunately, there are several here. And I agree, the world has so much that an author can build off of.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Minor typo. Either 'The bird' or 'he'.
    You can blame Word for that. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Go Gear, go! Telling off the governer, you are in inspiration to automatons everywhere.
    I'm honestly glad that everyone liked the fight scene with Gear and the governor's units. And yes, he is truely a cut above the rest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Alas, his time was short lived. Based on the previous posters, he'll be missed. I know I'll miss him.
    I regret seeing him go as well, but the plot dictates that he be removed. His actions might still affect the plot yet, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    I wonder how much of a joke this is. The king in question doesn't seem very... sane. Not that it isn't justifiable to a small degree based on what happened.
    He has a very ... creative sense of humor, to put it lightly. This is a theory, that Jay's father is the king. How that plays out, we'll have to see.
    Anyways, Nickolas is the least of your worries. He is possibly the most rational out of any of my characters, to tell your the truth.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Yep. Despite his manipulative nature, you gotta love him.
    Indeed, that's why I love writing him. He has a very dark sense of humor, yet the official air of a business man all the same. He's coniving, backstabbing, willing to go through great lengths for his employers, yet I love writing him. Almost as much as I do Leo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    And so, we arrive at what seems to be the point of no return. I have to say, this is fairly impressive. Like I said, props for playing the MD verse. I also love the characters. The average person probably would have trouble dealing with this kinda stuff, and this is reflected in the characters. The alterations you made to the 'normal' setting are extremely interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next.
    You are correct, this is their Rubicon, as it were, and they are about to cross over into Rome.

    You have no idea how much your comments mean to me, thank you so much!

    Knightfall signing off...

  7. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    There aren't enough PMD authors out there, regretably. Fortunately, there are several here. And I agree, the world has so much that an author can build off of.
    Aye, much potential. I love writing the PMD stories as well... *happy sigh*

    Anyways, Nickolas is the least of your worries. He is possibly the most rational out of any of my characters, to tell your the truth.
    A potentially insane king is the most rational character... Only in Overthrown folks!

    Indeed, that's why I love writing him. He has a very dark sense of humor, yet the official air of a business man all the same. He's coniving, backstabbing, willing to go through great lengths for his employers, yet I love writing him.
    Like GLaDOS!
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  8. #133
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    I have to say, Mismagius being involved with Jay was a shock, and its interest in Kelly is disconcerting, to say the least. What comes of that ought to be interesting.

    Also, I didn't think it was possible, but you made me feel genuine sympathy for Gear. I will call that scene a dying moment of awesome, though- in particular, the line about a "discolored, sniveling bureaucrat" was incredibly well done.

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
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  9. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    I have to say, Mismagius being involved with Jay was a shock, and its interest in Kelly is disconcerting, to say the least. What comes of that ought to be interesting.
    Oh yes, our "mutual fiend" has been busy lately. Very busy.

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Also, I didn't think it was possible, but you made me feel genuine sympathy for Gear. I will call that scene a dying moment of awesome, though- in particular, the line about a "discolored, sniveling bureaucrat" was incredibly well done.
    Mission accomplished! That's exactly what I tried to do with that whole scene. Show that he really does care for the citizens, and that he didn't want to go through with the order.
    Ah, I liked writing that line. It just was the perfect sort of insult for a stuck up, royal Pokemon.

    Well, I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter. It's always great to get comments from you.

    Knightfall signing off...

  10. #135
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    “I already told you: I’m closed,” Aleck growled as he dumped the day’s meager earnings into a small cloth bag. Why can’t customers come before I decide to close up shop? The shopkeeper thought bitterly.
    The Pokemon on the other side of the counter was not to be denied however.

    “Please, I only require a minute of your time,” the Pokemon said, trying to hold the shopkeeper’s attention.

    “Sorry pal, I’m not about to waste my time haggling over a price with you. I have to make a living after all. The price doesn’t change!” Aleck yelled as he systematically swiped each item off the counter and into a chest on the ground.

    “Wait, please. I just want—” the Pokemon started before being rudely cut off by the Sableye.

    “Go away, I don’t want to hear---” he grumbled as the other Pokemon calmly spoke over him.

    “There is a potential for a great profit on your part,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe to get the Sableye’s attention.
    In just a short section, you've already twice described the pokemon as trying to hold Aleck's attention. It's not bad, and it could be done well by showing the new pokemon's exasperation, but here it just kind of reads as the same thing happening twice.

    Also the narration is shifty here. We have Aleck's internal monologue, but we also have the new pokemon's intentions narrated to us. It's a bit jerky, and you may know by now how much I hate shifting narration.


    “W-what do I need to do?! I-I’ll do anything! Anything! Kill someone?! Hide the body?! There’s some caves nearby in the mountains, no one will ever find the--” Aleck stuttered as the amount of money in front on him nearly gave him a heart attack. The Scyther stopped him before his babbling could continue with a gentle tap with the broad side of his scythe.
    This line is a bit hokey-comical, but it works. It did make me chuckle, and Aleck is just the minor jokey character to pull it off. Nice use of silliness to set off the otherwise serious nature of everything. The real selling part is that HE ACTUALLY HAS A BUILT-IN PLAN FOR THIS. It's not just WILLINGNESS to kill and hide a body; he actually knows how and where to do it. It's nice, subtle characterization.

    “I’ll do it! Just one thing though. Might I ask what is in this parcel you speak of?” Aleck asked as he reached toward the knot on the papers. The stranger swung a scythe down onto the counter, missing the Sableye’s curious claws by millimeters.
    The "might I ask..." bit seems a bit too formal for Aleck.

    Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory,
    This might be a miss. I don't know what "grating machinery" might be, so the description is a little lost. Maybe it's just me, though.

    Richelieu gently pierced the report on the desk with the tip of his steel wing and held it up to his eyes as to read it.
    I see you're taking my comments about how certain pokemon might grab/handle things to heart.

    “Why I, never! As Governor of the Between lands, I am enacting Executive Order Forty-Seven. Guards, dispose of this defective automaton,” the riled governor squawked as he retreated a safe distance from the inevitable fight.
    I think "Why, I never!" is another line that is just an old timey cliche, and it's hard to imagine anyone saying it in an actual, serious fashion. It is fun, but... unlikely, I'd say.

    Static accompanied the many curses and swears that bounced off the stone walls of the office chamber as Gear turned in a complete circle, firing off quick bursts of electricity from all three of his magnets, keeping the assailants at bay.
    I like the first bit about the static and the vulgarity. Good visual (audio?).

    After seeing their comrade destroyed inches from their eyes, the other guards instinctively let up on their assault and retreated. Gear hovered low in the air, heavy static “breathing” emanating from his speakers as he tried to recover from the near short circuit.
    This brings up a thought...how "alive" is a Magneton? Is it just sentient machinery? Or is it actually living, breathing with some kind of organs and what not (inorganic though they may be). It makes me think.

    “Now listen closely Gear, if you can. I can call my seven other units waiting in the hallway in here, and I think you will know how that will end, Gear. I’m not going to be blunt, either you accept that I am in control here now, or else I will have you killed. What’s your choice, Gear?” the Skarmory asked, his ultimatum working its way through Gear’s damaged core.
    I think he means he IS going to be blunt. That is pretty blunt.

    With a pained screech, Gear’s magnets lit up with electricity, making them seem like orbs of white-hot light. Richelieu’s yellow eyes widened for a split second as he scrambled along the floor with his crumpled wings, hiding behind the cowering Magneton.
    "making them seem like orbs of white hot light" is not a particularly powerful simile. It doesn't pack much of a punch. Maybe just shift it around; "Gear's magnets became orbs of white-hot light as they lit up with electricity"?

    He approached Gear’s ruined chassis cautiously. After examining Gear’s burnt metal body he let out a snort.
    “Funny how all fairy tales of rebellions succeeding are just that,” he said with a mirthful chuckle.
    Wow, that's a sinister line.

    I must say, I'm very curious about the backstory of Gear and Richeliu. They obviously know each other. How? Why the animosity between them? Are they career rivals? It's a very interesting relationship they seem to have, and I'd love to know more about it. Will we ever find out?

    Suddenly, Gear’s body let out a spark, followed by several wires arcing as Gear’s cracked center eye slowly lit up once more. Gear’s processor was reeling; against his calculations, he had somehow survived the suicidal attack.
    I don't know what "arcing" is.

    The Skarmory pulled on the eye, ignoring Gear’s weak screeches of protest. To Gear, putting it mildly, it felt as if his brain was being ripped from his head. The fallen officer let all pretenses of dignity behind as his buzzes of pain swiftly turned into screeches of agony.
    Lose the "putting it mildly" bit. It weakens the description overall. I know you mean to make the attack sound WORSE by adding it, but the additional words just end up detracting from the effect.

    “H-have to ZT! f-follow orders. Follow ZT! orders …”
    Oh, we're totally getting an eventual heroic turn from Axis, aren't we?


    As per usual, I'll probably take a break here and finish it up later. Quick notes:

    -Your overall grammar and sentence structure issues from the first few chapters have improved tremendously. You've obviously put a LOT of work into that area, and it is showing. Great work!

    -The pacing continues to be outstanding. This reads as a legitimate novel; there is a LOT of stuff going on, and even though it does not inherently SEEM to be inter-connected, it obviously is all going to be. Everything is very disparate, but headed in a steady direction. You are not rushing, and are allowing everything to happen a leisurely (in a good way) pace. Characters are being developed (though, oddly, not Jay yet. But I know that will be coming), and the reader is being pulled into the story. Well done.


    EDIT!

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Oak and pine trees stood frozen mid-sway, a distant flock of Pidove were locked in their migratory “V” formation, and leaves were paused in the air as the now dead wind blew them across the ground. The entire world, it seemed, had stopped. Except for him.
    Bewildered, he returned inside and looked toward Leo and Kelly.
    I like the imagery of the Pidove. That is a neat little detail to think of.

    The Charmeleon was still slumped against the wall, stuck in the unconscious state he had been in previously. Taking a timid step closer to his teammate, he saw that not even his shallow heartbeat was still going.
    The end there is a bit rough. to read. Maybe a better way would be "...he saw that even his once-shallow heartbeat had stopped completely".

    ”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.

    The dim light of the Luminous Orb shards was completely covered up. The only source of light being the gleam of a pair of golden eyes. Jay involuntarily shivered from the increased chill as Kelly and Leo disappeared from his view.

    “Y-you! Why are you here?!” Jay shouted into the wall of shadow, his voice seemed like it was confined to his mind, like it wasn’t making any audible noise. The voice gave a slight chuckle as the eyes faded, but the voice began to resonate from all around the Riolu.
    I want to guess a Darkrai, but they don't have golden eyes. Hmmm.

    “Saved me?! I don’t think so. I was doing fine until you showed up,” Jay retorted as the voice let out a roar of shrill laughter. Jay was forced to cover his ears as he waited for the voice to regain its composure.
    The part I bolded makes it sound like the voice laughed before Jay even finished the thought. Which COULD mean the voice is clairvoyant! Or maybe it should just be "Jay retorted, causing the voice to let out..." But it might fit the Voice better if he knows what Jay is about to say; I don't know what the voice is.

    “If you’d simply allow me time to speak, your questions will be answered, more or less.”
    This is just my opinion, but I think an ellipses would be more ominous/foreboding there than the comma before "more or less".

    [i][b] “Such a temper, you really should work on that. Anyways, when I saw your … predicament that day. Well, I could not simply let fate take its course.
    A little messed up on punctuation there. Let me see about fixing it up (I don't like the "anyways", either, so i'll omit that): "That day when I saw your... predicament... well, I could not simply let fate take its couurse".

    “I saw potential in you, Jay, much like your friend. You and he share the tenacity to never give up, even when the odds appear to be overwhelming. It was that trait that I foresaw a good use for in these troubled times.”
    Tenacity IMPLIES never giving up, so I wouldn't say both. I'd just say "You and he share tenacity, even when..." or "...share a certain tenaciousness, even when..."

    “Never mind that. Why are you here? I think you’ve said all that you’ve needed to say,” Jay said, changing the course of their “conversation”.
    One-sided though it may be, they ARE having a conversation, so no real reason for the sartasti-quotes.

    “What are you talking about?!” Jay asked. Without an answer from the voice, the dark mist began retreating and Jay suddenly dropped to his knees as his mind was violently released from the creature’s control.
    A "show, don't tell" moment here. I'd rather see HOW Jay was released so violently. Did his body jerk? Did he get a migraine? Blood erupting from his ears? That'd be more fun to see than have lightly mentioned.

    Jay’s world began to tilt and swim. The dark walls of his vision disintegrated into the vague shapes of the center room of the base. Colors blurred as his hallucination collapsed and reality returned with a fresh wave of nausea.
    Retching on the floor, his vision slowly pieced itself back together.
    Oh, nevermind, I guess. Here it is.

    Okay, so the rest of the chapter wasn't bad. Perhaps a little TOO cryptic. It's starting to feel like there might be a bit TOO MANY questions going on, and I can't keep all the different mysteries straight. Where are the scientists from the beginning? What's with Leo's charm thing? What is going on with the rebellions? What's the deal with Richeliu? Who is the voice? What's he want with Leo? What's his history with Jay? And I know there are more than I'm not quite recalling. It seems like we should start getting SOME answers, you know?
    Last edited by Sid87; 30th October 2012 at 7:28 PM.


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  11. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    In just a short section, you've already twice described the pokemon as trying to hold Aleck's attention. It's not bad, and it could be done well by showing the new pokemon's exasperation, but here it just kind of reads as the same thing happening twice.
    Also the narration is shifty here. We have Aleck's internal monologue, but we also have the new pokemon's intentions narrated to us. It's a bit jerky, and you may know by now how much I hate shifting narration.
    Fixed, and the narration I'll have to fix somehow. I'll figure it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This line is a bit hokey-comical, but it works. It did make me chuckle, and Aleck is just the minor jokey character to pull it off. Nice use of silliness to set off the otherwise serious nature of everything. The real selling part is that HE ACTUALLY HAS A BUILT-IN PLAN FOR THIS. It's not just WILLINGNESS to kill and hide a body; he actually knows how and where to do it. It's nice, subtle characterization.
    I have to have some humor in this, otherwise it wouldn't be as fun for me to write.
    Aleck is just the sort of greedy character that's willing to do anything for a quick windfall of cash. And yeah, he doesn't have the best of pasts. Those black markets are rough on newcomers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The "might I ask..." bit seems a bit too formal for Aleck.
    True, and fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I see you're taking my comments about how certain pokemon might grab/handle things to heart.
    I try to use all the advice you give me. How long it takes to set in is another story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I think "Why, I never!" is another line that is just an old timey cliche, and it's hard to imagine anyone saying it in an actual, serious fashion. It is fun, but... unlikely, I'd say.
    I didn't really think about him saying it out loud, so that's why it slipped past me. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I like the first bit about the static and the vulgarity. Good visual (audio?).

    This brings up a thought...how "alive" is a Magneton? Is it just sentient machinery? Or is it actually living, breathing with some kind of organs and what not (inorganic though they may be). It makes me think.
    Thanks, I had that battle scene mapped out for a while. That line stuck with me as well.

    That is an excellent question, and my opinion is that they are sentient machinery. Which is why they try to emulate "organic" Pokemon by their static breathing, and other behaviors. That's just my opinion on the subject. I may have to touch up on that later on in the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I think he means he IS going to be blunt. That is pretty blunt.

    "making them seem like orbs of white hot light" is not a particularly powerful simile. It doesn't pack much of a punch. Maybe just shift it around; "Gear's magnets became orbs of white-hot light as they lit up with electricity"?
    Both fixed, thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Wow, that's a sinister line.
    That one went through several mental wringers before I got it worded right.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I must say, I'm very curious about the backstory of Gear and Richeliu. They obviously know each other. How? Why the animosity between them? Are they career rivals? It's a very interesting relationship they seem to have, and I'd love to know more about it. Will we ever find out?
    They are some sort of career rivals in the legal system of the Kingdom. How, and why will have to be explained in the future by Richelieu since Gear is a bit too dead to answer at the moment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I don't know what "arcing" is.
    Missed a word there, thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Lose the "putting it mildly" bit. It weakens the description overall. I know you mean to make the attack sound WORSE by adding it, but the additional words just end up detracting from the effect.
    I thought it sounded a little odd when I wrote it, but I didn't know how to fix it at the time. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Oh, we're totally getting an eventual heroic turn from Axis, aren't we?
    I think so, but it'll be much later on in the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Your overall grammar and sentence structure issues from the first few chapters have improved tremendously. You've obviously put a LOT of work into that area, and it is showing. Great work!
    Thank you, I have tried to incorporate all of the advice given to me by you and all my other reviewers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -The pacing continues to be outstanding. This reads as a legitimate novel; there is a LOT of stuff going on, and even though it does not inherently SEEM to be inter-connected, it obviously is all going to be. Everything is very disparate, but headed in a steady direction. You are not rushing, and are allowing everything to happen a leisurely (in a good way) pace. Characters are being developed (though, oddly, not Jay yet. But I know that will be coming), and the reader is being pulled into the story. Well done.
    Again, thanks. I'm trying not to add anymore strings to this ball of yarn before I can tie a few of them together.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I like the imagery of the Pidove. That is a neat little detail to think of.
    Background imagery is awesome, isn't it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The end there is a bit rough. to read. Maybe a better way would be "...he saw that even his once-shallow heartbeat had stopped completely".
    Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I want to guess a Darkrai, but they don't have golden eyes. Hmmm.
    Nope. Who's the only mysterious character we have so far? Although he doesn't have a name yet, I did reveal his species.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The part I bolded makes it sound like the voice laughed before Jay even finished the thought. Which COULD mean the voice is clairvoyant! Or maybe it should just be "Jay retorted, causing the voice to let out..." But it might fit the Voice better if he knows what Jay is about to say; I don't know what the voice is.
    Hmm, that is an error on my part, but I like it that it knows what he's going to say. I'll keep it as is. And I made my statement about the voice above.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This is just my opinion, but I think an ellipses would be more ominous/foreboding there than the comma before "more or less".
    Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    A little messed up on punctuation there. Let me see about fixing it up (I don't like the "anyways", either, so i'll omit that): "That day when I saw your... predicament... well, I could not simply let fate take its couurse".

    Tenacity IMPLIES never giving up, so I wouldn't say both. I'd just say "You and he share tenacity, even when..." or "...share a certain tenaciousness, even when..."

    One-sided though it may be, they ARE having a conversation, so no real reason for the sartasti-quotes.
    Fixed, fixed, and fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    A "show, don't tell" moment here. I'd rather see HOW Jay was released so violently. Did his body jerk? Did he get a migraine? Blood erupting from his ears? That'd be more fun to see than have lightly mentioned.
    .
    .
    .
    Oh, nevermind, I guess. Here it is.
    Yep, I'd never let a character's suffering go undescribed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Okay, so the rest of the chapter wasn't bad. Perhaps a little TOO cryptic. It's starting to feel like there might be a bit TOO MANY questions going on, and I can't keep all the different mysteries straight. Where are the scientists from the beginning? What's with Leo's charm thing? What is going on with the rebellions? What's the deal with Richeliu? Who is the voice? What's he want with Leo? What's his history with Jay? And I know there are more than I'm not quite recalling. It seems like we should start getting SOME answers, you know?
    Well, good news here is that I don't plan on adding much more by the way of cryptic questions. It's about time the plot start to solve a few of the mysteries.
    Each arc of this story will answer a specific set of questions. This arc will spend time on the questions surrounding the civil war between the Colonies and the Kingdom.

    So, thanks Sid, you're a liferaft in a sea of grammatical errors. Thank you. I am working on your review, trust me. I'll get it done soon.

    Knightfall signing off...

  12. #137
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    Having just gotten through the established chapters, I'm afraid I can really only start off with a couple of choice words: "holy damn."

    Seriously. I'm not sure if I can even cover the many facets of awesome which kept me reading this thing throughout my break instead of studying for class. The blotches of binary and computer-speak (which seem pretty legit to me? *shrug* I've yet to actually grasp the coding languages myself.), the teasing snippets of information at the beginning of each chapter, the little twists of tweaking and incorporating established game timelines and characters into a largely different world, the unsettling implications of things going to hell interspersed with snarky little moments of humor (SKIPLOOM PUNTING. 8'D ....never again will I underestimate small Pokemon. Thanks so much for that. >.>), and so on.

    Aside from occasional spelling and grammar mistakes (which have been pretty easy to read around and which I'm sure have been covered several times over before I popped in, hehn), i found this a very smooth read. Clever twist, too, justifying the method behind the "human-gone-Pokemon" trend as more than just the familiar "oh, we need a hero, here--let's magically yank in a suiting human from a seperate world and turn him/her Pokemon". Even more interesting that said explanation had a scientific origin. Am I seeing allusions to quantum mechanics? Or...well, whatever the current theory is to interdimensional shifts and matter reformation. (String theory? Something along the lines of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials, perhaps? Or something else entirely that... Ow. So much...science...wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess. *swats at complex formulas hovering above* Gettem away! x_x)

    Let's see what else...I'm honestly not sure I can cover anything precisely right now that hasn't already been brought to light and tweaked. I should be able to provide more comprehensive commentary in the future.

    Summing up: Good job. (b>_<)b
    Last edited by Koridojo_Blaziken; 1st November 2012 at 9:14 PM.


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

  13. #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess.
    Would have been better if it was written "bowl of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey...stuff"
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 22% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  14. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Having just gotten through the established chapters, I'm afraid I can really only start off with a couple of choice words: "holy damn."
    Better choice words could not have been said. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Seriously. I'm not sure if I can even cover the many facets of awesome which kept me reading this thing throughout my break instead of studying for class. The blotches of binary and computer-speak (which seem pretty legit to me? *shrug* I've yet to actually grasp the coding languages myself.),
    I admit it. I honestly don't know what the computer text actually means with the numbers and letters. I put those in for added effect. But the binary does actually translate into words. I believe Azurus posted it somewhere in here...

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    The teasing snippets of information at the beginning of each chapter, the little twists of tweaking and incorporating established game timelines and characters into a largely different world, the unsettling implications of things going to hell interspersed with snarky little moments of humor (SKIPLOOM PUNTING. 8'D ....never again will I underestimate small Pokemon. Thanks so much for that. >.>), and so on.
    The quotes at the beginning sometimes take longer to make up than the chapters themselves. Though I love putting them in.
    And yes, things are indeed moving towards "all hell breaking loose".

    I'm glad you like the Skiploom punting, you can thank watching football for that. Feel free to use that. Maybe that's their national pastime. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Aside from occasional spelling and grammar mistakes (which have been pretty easy to read around and which I'm sure have been covered several times over before I popped in, hehn), i found this a very smooth read.
    Yeah, grammar and spelling still make a fool out of me occasionally. I can't escape it. But I'm relieved that didn't find them distracting.

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Clever twist, too, justifying the method behind the "human-gone-Pokemon" trend as more than just the familiar "oh, we need a hero, here--let's magically yank in a suiting human from a seperate world and turn him/her Pokemon". Even more interesting that said explanation had a scientific origin. Am I seeing allusions to quantum mechanics? Or...well, whatever the current theory is to interdimensional shifts and matter reformation. (String theory? Something along the lines of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials, perhaps? Or something else entirely that... Ow. So much...science...wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess. *swats at complex formulas hovering above* Gettem away! x_x)
    Oh yes, there will be lots more science where that came from. As you out it "wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess". More of that will appear.

    In fact, in Chapter Seven, I included a reference to Schrodinger's Cat.

    "You were selectively chosen to fulfill this role, but if your curiosity gets the better of you, it will kill you much like the figurative cat. I will not allow the mercy of being both alive and dead; I will ensure that you die."


    Umm, I'll say yes, even if I'm not (yet) sure of what those theories are. Again, you can thank Half Life for that interdimensional thing, and how it sort of makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Let's see what else...I'm honestly not sure I can cover anything precisely right now that hasn't already been brought to light and tweaked. I should be able to provide more comprehensive commentary in the future.

    Summing up: Good job. (b>_<)b
    Awesome, and feel free to point out anything that needs revising. I always need improvement in my writing.

    Thank you for posting! Every post honestly helps out. So, thank you, again.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 2nd November 2012 at 10:05 PM.

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    Chapter Eight: Extradition



    “You may ask why I make everything so tedious and drawn out when a direct route is far faster? Simplicity is for the simple-minded and those inclined to be moronic. You brought me under your employment, so you will be content with the way I conduct my business…”
    The Vilified One




    He saw me, lost in a sea of darkness. He tried to help me, save me, but I pushed him away. Misguided by my own pride.

    “Jay! Leo! Get up!”

    Kelly’s panicked voice rang throughout the base, shattering the relative midnight silence. Leo stirred from his sleep only slightly, his recovering mind not comprehending her panicked call.

    In my pride, I tempted him. I told him to do his worst. He did so, if only to show me the errors of my ways.

    He vaguely remembered what exactly happened the night before, a sickening swirl of fire, ice, and pain imprinted on his subconscious was all that remained of that lost night.

    An idiot, that’s what I was. A fool, blinded by the lies my mind fed itself, believing that he was evil. I paid the price and I fell into the frozen abyss of ignorance. But I learned from my fall.

    Until now, as his senses began to register that not all was well within the base, it was as if his mind had shut down completely. Preserving itself from further degradation from what that … thing had done to it.

    Fire, ice, electricity…they hurt. Through the pain, I gained humility.

    He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten to his hammock in his room from wherever he had been before, but he didn’t care. Sleep was a welcome break after his mind was through those horrors now long forgotten.

    He will protect me. He will guide me. Whether I know it or not, I am his servant.

    “Leo! Come on!”

    Jay’s voice caused another involuntary twitch, but nothing more. Sleep had not yet washed away the exhaustion he retained from yesterday evening. He knew that he had to move, to see what was wrong, but his body refused to move.

    He is good.

    “Move.”

    Without hesitation, his body jolted into action, the back of his mind overriding any feelings of fatigue. The sensation of bitter cold and blistering heat washed over him as the memories of the previous night flashed before his eyes in all their glory.

    Leo tumbled out of the hammock, and somehow managed to land upright. He shook the horrible images away as the darkened room came into focus. He quickly registered the voices of Kelly and Jay, but there were others. He knew their grating, earache-inducing voices all too well; Magnemite.

    Using his tail as a torch, he found his satchel lying dejectedly on the floor. He picked it up with one claw and slung it around his shoulder. Cautiously peering out of the doorway into the hall, he found nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly moving down the hallway, he could see the central room in the light of the waning moon, and silhouettes of Jay and Kelly as they furiously whispered on what to do next. In the midst of his stealth, Leo failed to notice that the hushed mechanical tones from outside had suddenly ceased.

    Suddenly, the ground heaved and Leo was thrown backwards down the hall, racing the flying shards of glass and wood to the floor. Dust, eager to join in on the fun, kicked up into the air, blinding its befuddled inhabitants. The Luminous Orb shards were knocked from their holders and blinked out as soon as they hit the floor, plunging the base into complete darkness.

    Pushing his arms up, he dizzily got to his feet, coughing on the nearly suffocating dust. Over Jay’s colorful swears and Kelly’s lightning attacks from the central room, he detected the telltale buzzing of the Magnemite squad as they entered the gaping hole that used to be the doorway.

    The hovering forms of the infernal metal balls distorted the wall of dust as they searched the premises. The beams of light shining from their center eye slicing through the dust and debris. Jay and Kelly seemed to be locked in a stalemated crossfire with the officers. Kelly’s electricity and Jay’s punches keeping the units at bay.

    Leo nearly froze when one of the beams spotted him through the dust, clearly marking him as a target. He saw sparks flying as the twin magnets charged an attack.

    “Dash.”

    The near paralysis faded away as he swiftly obeyed the voice without question. He darted to the opposite side of the hall, and dove into a small room. Through the darkness and dust, he saw twin volleys of electrified plasma wiz past where he stood a moment ago, the bolts burning ugly black streaks into the walls.

    Leo quickly searched around the small room for an escape as the group of Magnemite hovered closer. Other than a tall wooden shelf against the wall, there was nothing else in the room, and definitely not a miraculous escape route.

    He skidded to a stop in front of the shelf, the sounds of chaos outside the room growing louder. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but he had to find something, anything that might help him. His claws tore through the contents of the shelf, tossing the miscellaneous items to the ground behind him. As he flung an old blanket out of the way, a glint of bright blue from inside an ancient burlap sack caught his eye. He had just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.

    “Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

    “Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded. Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.

    “BZT! Now the other one, Charmeleon! Let's go!” the unit shouted confidently, buoyed by his success with his previous orders. Leo didn’t move, he kept his gaze firmly fixed on the bag. He tried to think of any way out of this besides another trip to prison or worse, but nothing revealed itself.

    “Put the other claw up! ZT! Now!” He didn’t know what possessed him to even think of such a desperate idea. Possibly his addled mind had suddenly shunned all rationality in favor of unrepressed insanity for that instant. Regardless of why, Leo found himself tightening his grip on the cloth sack. He spun around and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.

    In hindsight, it might not have been the greatest idea to activate the bag of extremely volatile artifacts so close to himself, but he had no other choice that didn’t include an indefinite time behind bars.

    The sound of shattering glass was the last thing he heard before chaos overthrew normality with an explosion of energy. Time seemed to flash by him in an abstract flurry of rushing colors and sounds as he was swept up in its mighty gale.

    His mind was a spinning pottery mold, his back ached as if someone had taken a good few kicks at it, and his entire body was covered in fragments of wood and dirt. Leo slowly opened his eyes. The first thing that greeted his blurry vision was the great white ball floating in a sea of absolute black. After realizing that he was on his back, Leo flopped onto his stomach.

    As soon as he was able to will his arms to begin raising his bruised torso off the ground, his other senses of smell and hearing became relevant once more. The caustic odor of burning wood and memories filled his snout as the pained screeches of the Magnemite assaulted him from all angles.

    Leo tried to move from his position on all fours, but he could not will himself to get up off the dew-painted grass. Strength slowly drained from him as he contemplated simply dropping back to the earth into an eternal slumber, free of the pressures of reality at last.

    He was just about to let his wobbling arms collapse when over the sounds of the burning base and police officers when he heard a faint cry. Kelly!

    Grunting with a mixture of rage and fear, he pushed his body up off the damp ground to his feet with newfound strength. Once he was standing upright, he roughly brushed off the layer of dirt, grass, and wood splinters. As soon as he turned his attention to the base, he finally processed the full extent of his actions.

    Explosions of blinding light still resonated within the remaining chambers of the base. A miniature rain storm battled with a equally small sun in the air above the structure, causing the weather directly above the building to chaotically shift from sunny to driving rain.

    The small room that was once his now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke billowed out. His feet seemed to control themselves as they moved forward towards the burning base. Gritting his teeth, he ignored the drops of rain that landed on his tail with a sizzle as he reached the opening in the wall.

    The thick splintered wood wall looked as if a cannonball shot through it. It was then that Leo realized that he was that cannonball. Shuddering with the thought of coming within a hair’s length of snapping his spine in two, he maneuvered his way through the smoke and into the base.

    Once he pushed through the surprisingly thin smoke, he was able to see the remnants of the small room. The walls were seared black from the sheer volume of volatile energy compressed within the Orbs. Charred pieces of the Magnemite squad lay strewn haphazardly on the floor. Leo narrowly avoided slicing his foot open on the jagged edges of the units as he hiked his way across the room.

    Almost on the opposite side of the room, a sudden agonized screech from the hall nearly shattered his eardrums. A Magnemite whizzed around the corner, followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag to the apples from the kitchen. Regardless of size or inability to move, they raced through the air and collided with the exhausted officer.

    “Argghh! ZZZT! Get them off!” he screamed as the weight of the items started pulling him down. Leo, not in any mood to help the struggling officer, found his badge and key necklace on the surface of the conglomeration of stuff piled on the Pokemon.

    He plucked them off easily and kicked the roughly sphere-shaped ball of items. A densely muffled curse from within was all that was heard by Leo. Grinning on the inside, Leo returned to the ruined hallway, slipping the key’s chain over his neck.

    The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls. Despite the major obstacle now lodged in his way, Leo dropped to all fours and began worming his body underneath the fallen timbers, thankful that his scales provided at least some protection against the debris.

    As he inched his way closer to the center room, the sounds of his teammates gradually lessened, replaced by the oppressive static hum of the unexploded members of the police corp. His heart nearly leapt out of his chest, but he forced himself to keep his cool as he clawed at the ground, pulling himself forward.

    He could see their search beams; the officer’s lights penetrated the dust and darkness of his half-destroyed home. As he contemplated how to get past the officers that separated him from his teammates, his gaze was caught by a dull blue glimmer from underneath a mound of rubble. Reaching into the dirt, his claws closed on the small crystal sphere whose identity was unmistakable: it was an Orb. Somehow, it had survived the initial explosion that had consumed its brethren inside the bag.

    Holding it closer, he could faintly see the slightly cracked surface of the blue sphere. Deciding to keep it for the time being, he squirmed further along under the fallen roof.
    He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.

    With a few more grunts, he was a single timber from revealing himself to the searchlights of the officers, but it also meant he was a single log away from potential freedom. Briefly weighing the odds of each scenario, he figured he might as well make an attempt at an escape.

    Taking one last deep breath to calm his racing heart, he gripped the Orb in his claw, and rammed the damaged log out of the way with a hit from his shoulder. In an instant, several blinding beams of light shot his way.

    “ZT! Detain the suspect!” one of them screeched as the rest of the floating steel sphere began to cackle with charging electricity. Aside from the fact that Jay and Kelly were nowhere to be found in the center room, his body instinctively tensed for the searing pain of the electric bolts.

    “Throw.”

    As if it was a spark, his body jolted into action. Time seemed to slow as he raised his right arm, Orb in claw. He trained his sights on a Magnemite directly across the room from him, took a quick breath, and prayed to whatever deity governed the world that this Orb didn’t destroy the base completely.

    He swung his arm forward, releasing the Orb from his claws, letting inertia take care of the rest. The sphere sliced through the dust, and collided directly with the center eye of the Magnemite. As soon as the mystical orb shattered, Leo felt himself lurch forward as the room spun itself on its axis.

    Leo found himself facing his exit on the side of the room opposite the hallway. He turned his head around to see that all of the spotlights were still focused on where he stood, but there only hovered a very confused Magnemite. They had switched places. Leo silently rejoiced at his luck.
    His celebration was brought to a quick close when one of the units found him, the flaming tail not providing much camouflage in the dark.

    “Run.”

    Leo did not need any encouragement. He burst through the now empty doorway as streaks of lightning shot by his head. Clutching his nearly forgotten badge, he sprinted out of the base into the moonlit night, no idea where he was going as long as it was away from the base.

    In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground, dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope. As the world once again flew by in flashes of blurred ground, night sky, and his own fiery tail, Leo struggled to halt his roll downwards by digging his claws into the dirt.

    Earth sprayed everywhere, coating his scales in a fine dust. Just as he hoped, his body slowed and he was finally able to stop at the bottom of the steep embankment. Despite the fact that his world was tilting more erratically than a particularly clumsy Spinda, he could hear the sounds of pursuing units growing louder as they followed him down the slope.

    Lurching from side to side, Leo staggered his way towards the mass of darkness he hoped were trees. He vaguely saw a bolt of plasma shoot past him and into the side of the slope, burning its way several inches into the packed dirt.

    Leo shuddered at the thought of what one of those bolts would do to him if they hit. He certainly wasn’t going to give them a chance. Concentrating on the forest before him, he was able to overcome his distorted balance as he staggered into the woods.

    As if fate had switched off his luck, he heard the standard whoosh of displaced air that accompanied each attack, but just before he dismissed it as another haywire blast, his entire body flew forward as something extremely hot and painful collided with his spine.
    Electrical currents flashed across his vision as his body reflexively contorted in agony. His feet stumbled over the exposed roots of the ancient oaks along the path. Carried solely by the force of inertia, his body crashed forward through the low-lying braches and brush to the ground.

    Fallen leaves kicked into the air as Leo went sliding along the forest path, the small circular black mark scorched into his back, his charred scales and flesh smoking faintly as electricity continued to burn through him like rice paper.

    His heart, temporarily stunned by the bolt, restarted itself, beating just enough to ensure that its owner remained among the living. Leo tried to open his eyes, but his body refused to listen, instead deciding to give his nerves another jolt of pain. A feeling of cold settled over him as his tail flame faded until only an ember’s worth remained alight.

    He heard the radioed cries of the Magne-units as they combed the woods for him and his team. His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably against his body. It stung, but at the very least, it was a cruel reminder that he was still alive, for the time being. His badge was still clutched by his immobile claws.

    While his body was still stunned, his hearing recovered enough to provide the sensory details to his brain. Dead leaves rustled and crunched as someone or something stealthily walked over them. Leo’s weakened heart beat faster as the footsteps came closer, causing his chest to spark with pain from the extra strain upon the muscle.

    Unable to see little more than a dim patch of blurred forest, he was unable to shift his head to see who the stranger was, but his fears were alleviated as soon as he heard its whispered voice.

    “Glad you made it. Kel and I were worried you didn’t get out, especially after that huge explosion near your room,” Jay whispered into his ear, as he ducked underneath the foliage of the forest floor to avoid the wandering searchlights of the officers.

    Jay shuffled around the fallen Charmeleon so his body crouched over his weak tail fire, hiding it from detection temporarily. The Riolu’s mask of black fur, faintly illuminated by the flame, added to the furtive feel that filled the air.

    “Kelly’s in a glade up ahead. She wanted me to search for you in case you had gotten away, I’d say mission accomplished,” he said with a slight grin that flashed his teeth.

    Looking down at Leo, his smile faded. “I saw you get hit. How bad?” Jay asked, his hushed tones barely audible to the Charmeleon.

    Somehow, he managed to make his vocal cords work. “I don’t know … hurts,” he croaked.

    Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current. A small blackened circle was the only direct evidence that Leo had even been hit. Jay looked over the wound as best he could in the dark forest. From what he could tell, nothing major had been impacted. The blast had been mostly stopped by his scales and what little power remained had either burned into him or stunned his muscles.

    “I know it hurts; I’ve been hit by one before too,” he pointed to a small irregular scar on his left arm. “Fortunately, Magnemite aren’t made to kill outright. You’ll be fine once the paralysis wears off,” Jay concluded as he peaked above the brush to see if the Magnemite were searching far enough away not to hear their talking.

    “Can you move anything? Arms? Legs? We have to get moving,” Jay asked as he received only a twitch of Leo’s outstretched claws to show the extent of his mobility.
    Jay groaned as loud as he dared, wondering what to do.

    “We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution to their predicament.

    Suddenly, his head shot up. “I’ve got it!” he whispered hoarsely as he rummaged around his torn and slightly charred satchel. He pulled out something small and held it so Leo could see it in the glow of his tail. It was a small crimson berry; a small curly green stem remained on it.

    “Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munched on the small berry.

    At first, it appeared to have slightly less flavor than the dust he inhaled in the base, but after a few chews his tongue felt like it had been subjected to a once over with a flamethrower. As the spicy juices of the fruit burned its way into his taste buds, Leo felt his muscles and nerves burn with the same heat as they painfully returned to life. The temporary shock inflicted on his body was lifted in a single tongue-scorching bite.

    Leo hopped to his feet, tail flaring in response to the sudden resurgence of activity. Despite Jay’s hushed warnings to keep silent, Leo spat the partly chewed berry out and ran his claws over his burning tongue trying to wipe the remaining fire off.

    Jay had enough sense to clamp both paws down on the Charmeleon’s snout, silencing his rather loud actions, but unfortunately, he hadn’t the sense to act a few seconds earlier. As if they were center stage on one of the great halls of Silver City, every single searchlight in the forest was trained on the two Pokemon.

    “Dodge!”

    All thoughts of pulling Jay’s paws off his mouth were discarded and some force in his body made his claws latch onto Jay’s shoulders and lunge to the side, taking the Riolu along. As the two Pokemon landed in the brush, several spheres of plasma converged into an explosive fireball where they had been standing.

    “Run!”

    Not letting the Riolu even get the chance to brush himself off, Leo hauled him to his feet and was almost dragging him through the forest. His mind had shut out Jay’s protests to let go, even as plasma bolts slammed into the surrounding trees with dull thuds. He didn’t know where he was sprinting to, but something seemed to nudge his legs forward toward the western forest, and he didn’t object.

    When Jay finally ripped his paw away with a grunt, the Riolu faltered slightly in his sprint at first. However, he was soon nimbly bounding over the thick roots of the dark woods. Leo’s short, reptilian legs struggled to keep up with Jay, the entire scene vaguely reminiscent of a similar scenario a few days before on his way into the Square.

    Leo was nearly thrown to the ground as he collided into something metal. Skidding along the leaf littered floor, the Charmeleon clambered to his feet as the lone Magnemite hovered only a few feet in front of him.

    “ZT! Suspect found in Valley Forest, Western Sector. Salient divided! I repeat Salient is divided! BZT! Reinforcements requested!”

    “That’s quite enough of that.”

    Suddenly, Leo felt as if his lungs had caught on fire. It wasn’t the agonizing heat that he’d felt during his fight with Nexus; it was another, unnatural heat. He felt the heat rise up his throat, and almost instinctively, he let the fire exhale through his mouth. The fireball flashed into existence once it contacted the open air.

    The Magnemite only saw the flash of bright orange before the attack consumed his spherical body entirely. The flames did not fade into nothingness as they did before; they seemed to grow in intensity.

    The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veered around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified. Fortunately, for the Pokemon, a nearby tree took mercy on him and kindly allowed him to collide with its bark and explode.

    Leo didn’t waste any time grieving; he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him; he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.

    He didn’t notice it in the nearly pitch-black night, but he felt it like the wintery breath of Articuno when he passed through it: a dungeon barrier. The sudden drop in temperature was instantly rectified as he passed into the warped forest. Leo shivered as the coldness exited his body, and he looked around him in a circle.

    There was no sight of the Magnemite, even though their searchlights should have been visible in the murky woods. He turned to look ahead of him once more, and to his surprise, he saw a small trail leading through the thicket of trees that hadn’t existed a second ago. When he squinted, he could even see Jay’s form speeding a ways down the path.

    No! I am not getting left behind again! Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.

    Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned.

    The dungeon would not be outdone. The branches began to swing downwards onto the path, blocking it much like the roof had obstructed the hall before. Gritting his teeth, Leo kept his speed despite the road blockage. The dungeon had taunted him, and now he was going to accept its challenge.

    Never wavering in his stride, Leo quickly approached the organic blockade. The distance lessening with every footstep, Leo knew he had to be accurate or else he would fall face first into the awaiting arms of the forest.

    Taking a final breath, he leaped up in the air, the inertia from his sprint catapulting him forward. The night air seemed to go by his head with a whooshing sound as he tried to keep his body upright, no small feat while airborne.

    While he may have overcome the first branch, there were others still yet in front of him.
    The branches and vines seemed to reach up at him, as if they were taunting him to slip up, to make that one fatal error that sent him crashing down to their slithering tendrils.
    As his momentum finally began to wane, Leo knew he wouldn’t make it over unscathed.

    His body neared the boughs as an idea popped into his head. It was functional—in theory—and more appealing than being dragged into the depths of the dungeon. As gravity took its toll on his flight, Leo twisted his body so that his feet were behind him.

    He touched down on the branch at an angle. Using the basic principles of physics, he pushed off with his claws. The little power behind his push was augmented as he swung his legs underneath him so they were now in front of him. The shift in weight carried enough force to break the downward momentum and launch him over the remaining branches.

    He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.

    He could see a moonlit clearing up ahead, his teammate’s silhouettes moving along the ground. The opening to the clearing was closing rapidly, choked by two huge, contorting oaks. The path had turned into an organic zipper, and Leo was on the verge of being caught up in the dungeon’s rage.

    The distance between him and the opening grew less as he sprinted along the final stretch. Vines and shifting roots constantly wiped at each other along the ground, fighting for which would get the honor of ensnaring him.

    Vines slithered from their positions in the trees to the ground. Leo felt them writhe under his feet like worms. He didn’t care, he was only a few strides away from the opening and escape. Escape from the Magnemite, escape from the dungeon.

    The two oaks beside the entrance suddenly joined at their base and were rapidly combining into a single tree as to seal off the glade. Leo didn’t hesitate. He jumped as high as he could into the air, clearing the conjoined trunk. Before he could complete his nose-dive into the glade, his body was jerked back in midair.

    A single, green tendril had saw fit to wrap itself around his ankle and was trying to slither its way around his leg while also pulling him back. Leo let out a pained yell, and in a flash, both Jay and Kelly were at his side.

    Kelly stood on her hind legs and tried to hold onto the Charmeleon’s claws with hers; while Jay took a hold of Leo’s other outstretched arm and dug his heels into the ground.
    They both pulled on the Charmeleon against the dungeon-spawned vine, stuck on the weaker side of a macabre tug of war game.

    Leo kicked his legs in a vain attempt to both free himself and keep the vine from twisting around him further. Jay growled, pulling harder on Leo’s arm as Kelly somehow managed to balance herself on two legs while also pulling against the vine.

    The vine, being only a plant, could not hope to hold out against the combined efforts of three Pokemon. After a final tug on its end, the tendril around Leo’s ankle split from the main plant with an earsplitting snap. The victors of the game went tumbling backwards to the ground.

    After a minute of awkward untangling of tails and arms, the three members of Team Salient looked at each other with stares of relief, slight irritation, and utter confusion.

    “So, does anyone want to tell me what just happened?!” Leo asked, crossing his arms, only vaguely noticing that his badge was still clutched numbly in his claw.

    “We were hit by a raid,” Jay said as he noticed the dull glint of Leo’s badge as the weak light of the moon reflected off it.

    “Uh-huh. Yeah, I can see that, Jay. I want to know why,” Leo reiterated as he tapped his foot on the ground in annoyance.

    “Is that your badge?” Jay inquired, avoiding the Charmeleon’s question completely.

    Slightly taken by surprise at the randomness of the question, Leo reflexively opened his claw to reveal the badge fully.

    “Great, now hand it over. It has to go,” Jay demanded, holding out his right paw.
    Leo drew back his badge, holding it close to him.

    “Why? Why does it have to go?” Leo clutched his badge tighter as Jay let out an exasperated sigh.

    “Because, they can track you through it!” Jay yelled, pointing vaguely in the direction of the Magnemite, “Believe me, I know what they do. I’ve experienced it first hand,” he said, his voice lowering so his teammates could barely hear him.

    “Fine, just get it over with ... Wait, you’ve been through this before?” Leo asked, as curiosity rose up inside of him. What else has he been through?

    “It’s nothing. Just … just give me your badge, please. We don’t have much time. Kelly, yours too, please,” Jay responded, trying to evade the subject.
    Leo remained unmoved and now Kelly was interested in the subject as well.

    “Jay? What are you talking about? You’ve never mentioned this before,” Kelly inquired, suspicion worming its way into her mind.

    “Seriously, can we talk about this later? Maybe, I don’t know, when we’re not being tracked?!” Jay said; fidgeting as he desperately tried to change the conversation.

    “You were so eager to know about my past, now why don’t you tell us yours?” Leo pressed the Riolu, who refused to look at him directly.
    “Are you the reason the Magnemite are hunting us? Is it something you did?!” Leo guessed, his voice becoming harsher with each passing second. Jay suddenly looked up, furious.

    “Something I did?! I seem to recall you being in a prison when you were assigned to us. And you’re one to talk about not telling us anything.” the Riolu was as close to screaming as he could get. He marched toward the Charmeleon, and planted a paw squarely on his chest accusingly. “Tell me Leo, who exactly are you?”

    He continued. “How do we know this isn’t your fault?! We know nothing about you. For all we know, you’re a convicted arsonist, or a complete psychopath, or both!” Jay narrowed his eyes at Leo.

    “Hey! Guys! Cool it, or else we’re going to be heard!” Kelly hissed, though was promptly ignored by the two erring Pokemon.

    “Oh please, I told you all everything I knew that night. I have no secrets. You, though, don’t trust us enough to tell us anything!” Leo was lying through his teeth, but he was caught up in the heat of his argument.

    “Leo! Jay! Both of you, shut up!” Kelly snapped, once again ignored in favor of their loud argument.

    “You know? If you actually told us what is going on in your head, maybe we’d be able to solve your problem. When were you going to tell us tha—” as he yelled at Leo, Jay’s words were suddenly lost as a severe shiver went through him, as if the temperature exclusively around him dropped below freezing.

    “Cease. Now.”

    When it passed, he seemed to have lost all malice toward his teammate.
    Jay looked at Leo, a subtle mixture of absolute fear and terror was visible in the Riolu’s eyes. Whatever he had gone through had shocked him pretty badly.

    “I-I’m sorry, I was wrong to pry into your life,” he stuttered, his words sounding as if he was forced to say them with a knife pressed against his throat.

    “But, we do need to get rid of our badges. That’s a certainty. Leo, and Kelly, you too, please,” Jay asked meekly, making sure to keep his voice low.

    Leo was too perplexed by what Jay’s complete turnaround in attitude to pay attention when Kelly gently eased his badge from his claws. She tossed the emblem over to the Riolu while she found hers on the ground and once more kicked it over to him, keeping a reasonable distance away from her teammate.

    Jay silently nodded as he picked up both of the trinkets as well as a small rock he could hold easily in his other paw. Leo watched curiously as Jay took his own badge and placed it on an ancient stump. Taking the stone, Jay slammed it down onto the back where his paw print was etched into the reflective bronze metal. The metal made a resilient clinking noise with every impact. After several hits with the rock, the metal let out a sudden blue spark, contrasting sharply with the moonlit clearing.

    Wiping his arm across his forehead, Jay examined the damaged item. Nodding quietly to himself, he tossed the identification piece over his shoulder and into the forest where it was quickly swallowed up by the shifting trees.

    “One down, two to go,” Leo heard his teammate whisper as he watched Jay grab Kelly’s badge and repeat the same process. Hit. Clink. Another hit. Another metallic clink. Until the badge fizzled and sparked.

    Leo felt a twinge of pain with every hit Jay landed on his badge, as if a small part of him was dying with every smack. His badge lasted ten hits with the nearly broken wedge of stone before sparking. Having rendered it inoperable, Jay tossed the broken piece of metal behind him.

    “Alright, that’s done.” Jay took a quick look around the dark clearing. “It’s still a ways until dawn. I suggest we try to get some sleep. We’re safe from the dungeon in this glade,” Jay reasoned.

    “You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.




    The Sableye sat alone behind the counter of his shop. Even though it was shortly past midnight, he refused to retire. He knew. He knew that if he slept, he wouldn't wake up. For the alterations he made to the orders, he knew there was going to be hell to pay.

    He hadn't done what his superior had ordered. No, he looked at the contents of the message. He had secretly delivered it to Officer Gear, not the agent the Scyther told him about. The second he saw those kids' names among those who needed to die, he knew he had to do something. He had altered the order and hopefully, that mistake gave them a chance to get out of Loyalty.

    “I've got to get out of here...” Aleck muttered as his claws carefully analyzed each coin of his meager fortune.

    His plans for the future were interrupted by a single loud knock on the counter. Slowly looking up from his coins and hastily packed bags, he saw the silhouette of a Bug type he recognized instantly in the waning light of the moon, a single scythe pressed against the wooden countertop.

    “Darnéy,” he stated while his crystal eyes glittered in the darkness of the night.

    The Scyther did not respond. Other then his breathing, he was silent. He drew his scythe slowly across the counter, shaving off thin layers of wood as he passed the appendage back and forth. His wings twitched while his gaze bore down on the Sableye.

    “... Treachery is a terrible crime, Aleck..." The Scyther suddenly lowered his head until Aleck’s face was only inches away. Both Pokemon stared resolutely at each other. The Sableye knew perfectly well what danger he was in, but he kept himself rooted in place. He would stand his ground at his shop.

    “I did the job I deemed was right. I refuse to murder children, is that wrong in your eyes, Darnéy? Is it?!" Aleck hissed vehemently, his claws pushing the fuming Scyther's blade back from his face.

    “Several vital targets escaped the raids. Our cover was nearly blown. And you have the gall to sit here and claim that you were right? ... Is that it, Aleck?” Darnéy calmly asked. Aleck could see it behind his eyes. A wave of rage that manifested itself in the minute shudders that passed through his wings.

    Aleck knew what was going to happen. He'd seen it coming ever since he had altered the orders for the Magnemite to not kill but simply arrest Team Salient. He was going to die.

    "That's exactly right, Darnéy. I'm done. If the Colonies can order the murders of three children drawn in by horrible circumstances, then I rescind any support." Aleck proudly stated even as the Bug-type absently sharpened his right scythe on his carapace.

    Darnéy looked up from his task with his blade. “Then so be it, imp.” He suddenly lashed forward, his wings propelling him faster than Aleck could see. He slammed the broad side of his scythe against the small Pokemon’s head. There was a sharp crack as Aleck’s right crystal eye split into several small fragments. The merchant stood upright for a moment, swaying slightly from side to side before collapsing to the ground in a crumbled heap.

    Quickly looking up from his deed, the Scyther glanced around the street. Not one soul remained out at this late hour, much to the Pokemon’s relief. He turned back to his victim. A low groan issued from the fallen merchant and traitor to the Colonies , indicating he was still alive. For now.

    Darnéy acted quickly. Buzzing his wings, he hovered up and over the counter. Bending down, he carefully slid his right scythe into a small pouch slung over is shoulder and skewered a small golden seed, causing small amounts of yellow dust to trickle out. He held the seed over the struggling Sableye, forcing the dust onto Aleck’s body. The shopkeeper’s body twitched once and then fell still.

    Pleased with the Stun Seed’s performance, the Scyther maneuvered his scythe underneath the small Pokemon and heaved him over his spiny shoulder. Glancing around once more, he deftly sprinted into the shadows of a nearby alley just as three patrolling Magnemite floated down the stone street.

    He watched them intently; remaining motionless as the automations hovered by his position. A low groan from Aleck caused the Scyther to hold his breath as the Magnemite quickly lit up their search beams and scanned the area.

    Backup plans raced around his head, he could easily take those two out, but not before they would alert every unit in a ten mile radius. However, his fears were put to rest when the trio of officers abandoned their inspection and continued on their way.

    No longer inhibited by any obstacles, the Scyther leaped from his hiding place and into the street. His clawed feet made minimal noise on the stone as he ensured that no stray witnesses remained. He glanced at his hostage’s limp form, a scowl of disdain making its way across his face.

    “Thus ends all traitors,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.




    “Sir?” the Magnemite asked as he and his two counterparts reported the results of the three raids their new commander had ordered.

    Richelieu, despite being exhausted by his efforts to oust Officer Gear from his position of power earlier that evening, slowly rose from his roosting position. His gold-tinted steel feathers clinked against each other as he rustled them.

    “Ah, you three. You headed the raids, correct?” Richelieu inquired, blinking as he tried to wake himself up fully.

    “Affirmative. ZT!” they all answered at once, causing the governor’s still groggy head to cringe in pain. He quickly shook it off, and put on his usual air of seriousness.

    “Good, good. And it goes without saying that you all were successful, correct?” Richelieu assumed, inspecting each of the units.

    “Yes, sir! Suspects detained! ZT!”

    “Correct! Traitors captured!”

    The final unit hovered uncomfortably as he made various noises similar to what a Mareep makes when pitted against a hungry Mightyena.

    Richelieu narrowed his eyes and craned his neck forward so that his was looking directly down on the terrified unit.

    “That wouldn’t happen to be an issue of conflict would it, officer?” he said, his voice cold. The Magnemite’s center eye shrank even further than the Skarmory thought possible.

    “N-no, no, no, no! Not at all, sir! ZT! The raid was a c-complete s-s-success!” the Magnemite stammered, his panic growing. His eye glanced to the sides at his two partners, but they were at the opposite sides of the room, snickering to themselves as they readied themselves for what was going to come next.

    Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
    “You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”

    The Magnemite whirled his magnets around furiously, as his eye tried to look anywhere in the room besides the governor’s eyes.

    “You know what I do to liars? I order them to rot in the lowest, most Arceus-forsaken pit for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, would you like to perhaps rectify your previous statement?”

    The Magnemite tried to maintain his silence, but he made the mistake of allowing his eye to lock with Richelieu’s piercing gaze.

    “Alright! ZT! My team failed! ZZT! Failed to catch Salient! Please don’t deactivate me!” he screeched with the machine equivalent of sobbing.

    Richelieu pulled his head back, a smug smile traced across his metal beak.
    “I’m disappointed in you, officer. You and your team have just let several individuals who the Inner Council has listed as dangerous escape. You have disappointed the Kingdom along with every law-abiding citizen within its borders.”

    The Magnemite let out a small squeak of relief, which was quickly crushed by the Skarmory’s next statement.

    “We cannot allow units such as you and your team go unpunished, that is why you are being reassigned to the Sawgrass Town patrol.”

    The Magnet Pokemon lost it. “What? Sawgrass? …… No! Nononononononononono! Not Sawgrass! They’ll eat me alive!” he screeched as small spark “tears” flew from his body.

    “That is no longer my concern. Axis, go round up the rest of his team and make sure they are escorted to their new assignment immediately.”

    The deputy, who had been floating silently outside of the doorway for some time now came inside the room. “Right now, Gea-vernor?” he said, catching himself before he said his previous boss’s name.

    Richelieu would have chastised the Magneton for his mistake had he not been occupied in condemning this unit to a living hell.
    “Yes, right now. Get to it.”

    Axis hovered in front of the shaking unit, and with a barely audible “I’m sorry”, attached his magnets to the officer’s, and promptly short-circuited him. As Axis dragged the unfortunate unit’s chassis from Richelieu’s office, the condemned metal ball spoke.

    “ZT! Gear would never do this!”

    “Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.




    “It has come onto my understanding that my plans, and thus eventual peace are being interfered with. I only ask that you grant me the permission of perhaps … escalating my range of influence.”

    … … ...

    “Of course, I fully understand. Those who seek to endanger the world must be removed from it.”



    End Chapter Eight



    Author’s Notes:

    Well, that wasn’t that bad. All things considered, I got that written pretty quickly.

    Anyways, I loved this chapter. It contains many of the rather strange mechanics of the Mystery Dungeon series. For instance, “what happens when a whole bunch of Orbs go off at once”, and “to what lengths will dungeons go to trap you?”
    The first one alone was what made me continue to press forward until I finished it.

    This chapter also allowed me to explore just how Leo’s mind was affected by his “friend’s” actions a few chapters back. I think it’s a twist on the completely paranoid, half-schizophrenic, unstable Leo you all were expecting after that ordeal.

    Well, as always, immense thanks to my beta reader, Shadow Lucario 50 and my friends on here. Brutaka, for all of my amazing banners, and Azurus for just being there to talk and do things with. Thanks for everything; I would have never made it this far without you all.

    And Sid, this chapter is a longer one, and for that I apologize in the most insincere way possible. Have fun.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Last edited by Knightfall; 22nd July 2014 at 9:17 PM.

  16. #141
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    The dungeon was making trying to engulf him. What is this meant to say? "making an effort in trying to engulf him"? "was trying to engulf him"?

    Other than that, really good chapter. Also it would seem Alecks parcel framed teamed salient, well atleast that little plot was revealed.

    I never expected the dungeons to reform at any time, but I guess it makes sense and why they always have a different layout each time. Very interesting descriptions there.

    Keep up the good work.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  17. #142
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    Uhh, yeah. That was a mistake. I'll fix that.

    Yes, Aleck framed Team Salient, even though it was unknown to him. I guess he got what he deserved.

    Dungeons are a strange realm for me. Their behavior is fun to write since they can be erratic and unpredictable. But it does make sense.

    Thanks, and same to you. You have to get your story done sometime.

    Knightfall signing off...

  18. #143
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    How did I miss you posting this?


    Anyways, another excellent chapter. You continue to amaze me with your attention to detail.

    Huh, now I have to wonder why the Scyther didn't kill Aleck outright, as well as what Jay's backstory is.

    Keep up the awesome work, Knightfall!

  19. #144
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    Hey, I'm just glad to see you here.

    Thanks, that's partly why they take so dang long to write. I sometimes end up putting too much detail in and spoiling the scene, but that's what a beta reader is for.

    Well, that was kinda thought of on the fly, but I do have a reason for it. Aleck's troubles aren't over yet.
    And Jay ... well, that's up for speculation.

    Thanks, I hope to see something from you soon as well.

    Knightfall signing off...

  20. #145
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    Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.

    Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

    First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha

    Secondly, I've noticed that you've been having a little trouble with formatting when posting your chapters. Example:

    She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.
    She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.
    You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol

    On to chapter 8!

    Without hesitation, his body jolted into action, the back of his mind overriding any feelings of fatigue. The sensation of bitter cold and blistering heat washed over him as the memories of the previous night flashed before his eyes in all their glory.
    I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful

    where he stood a moment ago. The bolts burned ugly black streaks into the walls.
    I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:

    where he stood a moment ago, the bolts burning ugly black streaks into the walls.
    You dig?

    In hindsight, it might not have been the greatest idea to activate the bag of extremely volatile artifacts so close to himself, but he had no other choice that didn’t include an indefinite time behind bars.
    I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done

    he crudely brushed off the layer of dirt, grass, and wood splinters.
    I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better

    He pulled out something small and held it so Leo could see it in the glow of his tail. It was a small crimson berry; a small curly green stem remained on it.
    lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that

    The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veering around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified.
    Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity

    The Scyther suddenly lashed forward, his wings propelling him faster than a speeding Sharpedo.
    hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.

    surrounding the town. An untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.
    that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect

    a Mareep makes when pitted against a hungry Mightyena.
    This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!

    Richelieu pulled his head back, a smug smile traced across his metal beak.
    Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*

    All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  21. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.
    Hey, don't worry about it. I welcome any review anytime. I'm just glad you're here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

    First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha
    Well, it's actually in hexidecimal code, and without a converter, it's just numbers and letters. Azurus posted a pretty accurate translation of it and of the binary code from the prologue. His post is directly after Chapter Three.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol
    I'll fix that, stupid formatting. I'll be sure to look at the preview more closely in the future because they can be decieving.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful
    Thanks, I've been trying to give myself lots of practice doing that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:

    You dig?
    I dig.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done
    I guess I tired to add a bit of a comical undertone there, I honestly don't remember. Well, I'm glad you managed to enjoy it more that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better
    I agree, roughly would work better there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that
    Yeah, not all of them are thinking clearly much as of late, if you catch my drift.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity
    Yeah, I do go through my first chapters every so often, and I agree: I have come a long way.
    And I just realized that I totally screwed up the tenses on that sentence. I'll fix that right away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.
    Hmm, I see where you're coming from. I'll see if I can word that better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect
    Alright, and again, I agree. Ugh, commas and periods, my beta reader can tell you how much fun we had with those while editing this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!
    I quite liked it myself. I'm glad someone else did as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*
    Heh, we won't be seeing too much of him for a while, well, directly at least. He'll still influence from the plot behind the scenes like the snivling politician he is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy
    Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me.
    Heh, Team Salient is in deep, and is only going deeper. Into what, you'll have to wait and see.
    Again, thanks. I can't wait to see the next chapter of Requiem as well.

    I'd like to thank all my readers for enjoying this, and if you have any suggestions or advice, I'd love to hear them.

    Knightfall signing off...

  22. #147
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    Anyways... to the review game.

    Catchiest moment:

    Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!

    Characters:

    Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.

    Plot References:

    The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.

    Final parts of the chapter:

    it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

  23. #148
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    Ah, nice to see you here. I'll be sure to work on a review of your PMD story as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Catchiest moment:

    Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!
    Yeah, that scene in the games helped me to write the scene with the exploding Orbs and yeah, I'd expect it'd be very bright. But other Orbs were present as well. Trawl, Rainy, Sunny, and Switcher Orbs all make an appearance.
    And I agree, the scene with Leo is much like that scene in Left 4 Dead 2.
    You are correct, Kelly is the Jolteon and Jay is the Riolu.
    Yep, the badges can be tracked. Not GPS, but more of a combination of psychic signals and radio waves that can be tracked by either Magnemite and certain Psychic Pokemon.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Characters:

    Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.
    Glad you enjoyed that scene. And yeah, it's ironic how his last customer really was his "last customer".
    The Scyther is working for the Colonies, that much was released in the chapter. What is role is though remains to be seen.
    Magnemite don't deserve any pity. Gear realized that the kill list was wrong and refused to obey it. And thus he was killed.

    Exactly, and there will only be more of it to come.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Plot References:

    The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.
    Thank you, I've always enjoyed the idea of complex government conspiracies and the likes of such.
    What makes war stories fun? Well, I don't particularly enjoy writing bloody scenes (okay, maybe on occasion). I enjoy the war genre because I can explore the conflicting "truths and ideologies" of each side in depth and to my liking. The Kingdom and the Colonies are only a fraction of this conflict.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Final parts of the chapter:

    it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.
    Well, some citizens don't trust the government. And the government of the Kingdom has overstepped its bounds in some places.
    I guess that is a good real life example, if you prefer to compare it to that.

    Thank you for leaving a review! I'll be sure to get onto Nomad Seekers as soon as I can.

    Knightfall signing off...

  24. #149
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    Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.

    So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...

    Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...

    Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.


    Fantasy remains a human right: we make in our measure and in our derivative mode, because we are made: and not only made, but made in the image and likeness of a Maker.
    ~J.R.R. Tolkien

  25. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.
    No problem. I welcome all reviews, no matter how short.

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...
    Yep, they're wanted Pokemon now. And since the badges can teleport a rescue team out of a dungeon, it's not too far of a stretch to have them able to be tracked.
    Heh, their tempers will eventually get the better of them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post
    Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...
    I'm surprised at how much people seem to enjoy Aleck. I originally didn't have any plans to use him. But yeah, I'm glad you feel bad for him, even though his own greed got him into this mess. I'm planning to see if there's anyway I can use him later on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Koridojo_Blaziken View Post

    Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.
    Thank you, I always enjoy it when readers review.

    Knightfall signing off...

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