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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Leo found that the paralysis on his body had lifted, as he was blown backwards from the shattering portal.
    Getting right into it: no comma after "lifted". You don't usually need one before an "as" (just like "because").

    Leo’s vision slowly cleared, as it did, his jaw dropped at what he saw.
    Should be "and as it did so"

    “Lugia’s storm … w-what is that?” Jay asked, fear penetrating every syllable of his question. Neither Leo nor Kelly had the answer to his question, or had time to give him one, as the creature started to move again.
    Lugia's storm...I like that. Adds a very nice flavor to see that the pokemon have their own exclamations of shock (beyond the stereotypical and overused "Oh my Arceus" variants).

    The giant crab tank swiftly turned around to face the stunned team, his blood red eyes looking at them for a moment before shifting to another object.
    Hmm...Crab-tank sounds like an It to me, not a him. It may well be a him, but the team shouldn't know that yet. Either way, in THIS instance, I think it should be "its blood red eyes".

    “You didn’t say this would happen! Why didn’t you tell me I’d have to do this?!” It wasn’t a normal question, it was a crazed plea to an unknown entity.
    In the midst of his confusion of nearly everything that was happening, Leo found an answer as to who “you” was when the cold, feminine voice from earlier spoke again.
    Don't forget to put a full space between your paragraphs!

    Two more changes I'd make: Change the "of" I bolded to an "at", and remove the "from earlier" that I bolded. It's extraneous.

    “Malcompliance behaviors within Metagross: Wire unit will not be tolerated. Code: comply, control, counter, cauterize.”
    Oh, METAGROSS is the tank/crab. I couldn't figure that out. Not your fault, I just couldn't place what might be a tank/crab.

    Leo cautiously backed away from the steel monster, which seemed to be in the midst of a mental breakdown. He gave a panicked glance to both of his teammates, who had the same idea as he did: get out of here without getting his attention.
    No comma needed before "who". Either just go "his teammates who seemed to have the same idea" or say something like "his teammates, and it seemed like they had the same idea".

    Rubbing his sore nose, Leo dizzily turned around to see why they were trapped this time.
    The Metagross unit shuddered, its four, metal legs stumbling around inside the ring of psychic energy it had created. Leo, you can’t escape the psychopath who’s trying to kill you by running away, that’d be too easy. How silly of me to forget, Leo grimly thought as the Pokemon who trapped them spoke.
    More paragraphs without double-spacing.

    Aside from that, there should be a semi-colon or a period instead of the comma after "running away". And the last bit was a tad confusing because I was unsure whether it was the creepy internal voice, Leo, or "the pokemon who trapped them" that was speaking the italicized dialogue. It was a bit ambiguous to me.

    “Your actions are causing complications to arise within our benefactor’s campaign. We have been dispatched to neutralize the threat … well, at least I was. Wire wasn’t so keen on accepting this mission, as you can tell,” she said with indifference, as she began to circle around the team.
    Another "as" that doesn't need a comma before it.

    “You have willingly cooperated with enemies of the Colonies, and now feel free to take a look through the swiftly closing aperture that remains of your life. Engage!”
    Something is off here (besides that fact that "life" should be "lives"). I would put a period after "Colonies". That might clear up the first part most easily. It just isn't super clear the way it is written.

    “You are aiding the corruption! Can’t you see?! You’re collaborating with traitorrraaaaaaaaahhhh!” Nexus screamed as her body became enshrouded with electricity. She stopped her efforts to reduce Leo’s skull to a waffle and shifted her attention to Kelly.
    "Enshrouded" tends to imply a shadow of some sort, and electricity is not what I think of when I think about shadows. Instead of that, maybe say "blanketed with electricity" or "her body lit up like a light bulb" or "crackled with electricity". Just some options more in tune with electricity.

    “What’s going on?!” Leo yelled as Kelly was psychically thrown into the barrier by Nexus, making her issue a pained yelp followed by a curse to Thundurus. She yelled in pain as she tried to run, lifting her left hind leg above the ground. Out of breath, Jay quickly mumbled something about his badge and escaping to Leo as he dashed to the opposite side of the death-ring.
    I'd change the bolded part to "causing her to issue". The way it is now reads like it means "making her problem". Which is obviously not the usage of "issue" you're looking for.

    Jay ran and scooped up his bag off the ground while Nexus was occupied with trying to permanently incapacitate Kelly, who was somehow able to still dodge the attacks despite her fractured hind leg, though the pain it caused her was sure to be immense.
    That...is a REALLY BIG sentence. I'd put a period after "incapacitate Kelly" (which, by the way, I dig the line about trying to permanently incapacitate her). Then change the "who" to just "Kelly". After that, move the "still" from where it is to before "somehow" (Kelly was still somehow able to dodge...).

    [quote]
    As Jay turned his bag upside down and fervently looked for his badge, Leo tried to concentrate a Slash attack and simultaneously ignore the shooting pain in his chest.

    Within seconds both sets of his claws became energized with the same feeling he felt before and he ran directly at Nexus, who was about to flatten an exhausted Kelly.
    Whatever remained of his sane mind screamed that this was a horrible idea and that he was going to die in his foolish attempt to help her, but he pushed it aside as he leapt past Nexus’s armored legs and onto the center of her head.
    Another instance of not-double-spaced paragraphs. Anyway, I'd remove the bit about "the same feeling he felt before". It doesn't add much, and I remember them energizing before. And there should be a comma before and (altogether: "Within seconds, both sets of his claws became energized, and he ran directly at Nexus before should flatten an exhausted Kelly").

    His claws still glowing with energy, Leo gripped onto the silver, X-shaped mustache on Nexus’s face, holding on as he prayed that Kelly got herself to safety.
    This action didn’t go unnoticed by the possessed Metagross, who halted her execution of Kelly and proceeded to try and buck Leo off her head, screaming unsavory curses at him all the while.
    All through this, the faint cries of Wire still emitted from the Metagross as he tried to regain control of his body.
    A few more paragraphs that aren't separated. I'm not trying to point them all out, but if I have something else to say, I might as well mention it.

    That's an interesting idea, that Metagross' X is a mustache. I'd never have thought of that.

    You still like the big sentences with lots of commas. You don't seem to fall into the habit of making short, choppy sentences, so I don't think you need to worry about "over-correcting" the other way and making them too long. After "Nexus' face", I'd put a period and then say "He held on as he prayed..."

    His Slash-powered claws fading as his grip failed.
    Just "faded". Not fading.

    She dangled Leo in the air for a split second, as if deciding the most efficient way to break every bone in his body, before she raised her leg back and hurtled him at the psychic barrier.
    Fun imagery, and I can picture the Metagross pondering this. No comma needed before "before", though.

    “There is no place in the world for cowards like you,” she stated as she focused her mind to blast Jay backwards into the wall. She dropped his badge to the ground and smashed it with her spiked foot, the remains sparking slightly. Not sure of what he was doing, Leo leaped at Nexus, claws ready.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Nexus, stop! No!” Wire screamed from inside his own mind, as he watched his body produced a psychic field and tossed around the innocent Riolu like a kit’s toy.
    I don't think that little "break" is needed. It would make sense if you ended a chapter on the cliffhanger, but since you didn't, it doesn't need any break at all. Wire's dialogue comes in right where Nexus leaves off, so there's no time passage that the break is conveying.

    And the "produced" should just be "produce".

    Wire growled, “You can’t kill them, Nexus. This is my body, not yours.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Leo had just enough time to help Jay off the ground before he heard another roar from the steel crab. He turned around to face the creature only to catch a brief glimpse of one of its legs swinging toward his head.
    Oh, I get it. The break there was to cut to the interlude inside Wire/Nexus' head. Okay, I guess it works then; it was just a bit hard to ascertain that at first. Carry on.

    Before he could react to the imminent threat, the limb connected. To Leo, it felt like a freight train had collided with the side of his head, or any other simile of intense pain.
    Leo thought he would see stars, but an entire galaxy of supernovas filled his vision.
    I like every part of this except the "or any other simile" bit. I'd just cut it.

    He couldn’t hear anything beyond the intense ringing in his ears, and his own heartbeat. His heartbeats, combined with the flashes of white-hot pain from his skull were the only sensations telling him he wasn’t yet dead.
    Take out the comma after "in his ears". And change "heartbeats" to either just "heartbeat" or "The beating of his heart".

    Maybe it was his body’s ability to heal remarkably fast, or just the adrenaline numbing the pain—Leo suspected the later—, but after what only seemed a minute, he recovered most of his senses of sight and hearing. His head still hurt felt like it had been used as a wreaking ball on a building filled with primed dynamite, but he staggered to his feet regardless.
    Hey! Dashes! Only thing is, you don't need a comma after the dashes. Dashes take on the usage of the comma in that instance. So it should be "pain--Leo suspected the latter (not later, btw)--but after".

    The first thing he saw was Jay playing a deadly game of chicken with the Metagross’s iron legs, deftly sprinting and changing direction as he ran around the beast. He suddenly stopped and slammed a glowing fist in the center of the “X” formed on its face.
    Just watch out for re-using phrases. This is the second time in this chapter you described something as "playing chicken".

    He managed to shove his limb away from the rescue team member, as a wave of agony washed over him. He felt his body’s psychic powers activate as an infuriated Nexus hurtled the Riolu across the arena into the barrier. He fell to the dirt for a moment, as he tired and failed to get back up, refusing to give up the privilege of consciousness.
    No comma after "member". And the "He fell to the dirt" should say "Jay fell" because I thought it was Wire at first.

    “Leo, … run,” she gasped right before she was psychically hoisted into the air and brutally slammed into the barrier. Her limp form slid to the ground, she barely kept conscious as she slowly tried to get back up again.
    "Her limp form slid to the ground" and "She barely kept conscious..." are two whole, separate thoughts, so no comma there between them. Either a semi-colon or a period.

    Nexus surveyed her surroundings, apparently pleased at seeing both Jay and Kelly barely conscious, she turned her attention to Leo.
    Should be an "and" before "she turned her attention to Leo".

    He felt as if his body was paralyzed, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t flee, he couldn’t help his friends, he couldn’t do anything, but stare as Nexus slowly approached him like the grim reaper.
    Should be a semi-colon (or even just a colon) after "paralyzed". No punctuation at all is needed before "but stare as Nexus...".

    Her precise movements and cold, locking, stare proved more then capable then turning causing Leo’s legs to instinctively step backwards until his back was against the barrier.
    The bolded "then" should be "than". Than is used to compare, Then is used to progress time. Here's how to remember: "He's bigger THAN you. Hit him THEN run away".

    Anyway, the rest of the sentence is all weird. "then turning causing Leo's legs to instinctively step backwards..." I'm not sure what that's supposed to say. Should it just be "...more than capable of causing Leo's legs to..."?

    As soon as his eyes made contact with hers, he knew he fell for her trap. He couldn’t move at all, but he could feel her, casually browsing through his memories and the events of the past few days, unable to do anything to stop her. She ignored his efforts and occasionally mumbled to herself as when she came across something interesting.
    Just as or when. Don't need'em both.

    Leo felt his anger rising. The only people allowed in my head are me, and a chorus of haunting voices! No one else!
    Okay, I LOL'ed. Literally and actually "out loud". Good stuff.

    “Did you know? Pressure,” she said as she pushed Leo against the field.

    “is the ratio of force,” Nexus pressed harder against the pinned Charmeleon,

    “to the area over which that force is distributed. Interesting fact, no?” Nexus gloated as Leo’s entire chest began to feel the surface of the sun as Nexus continued to ramble on how he and his worthless friends would soon be destroyed.
    Damn, son. That was good. I like the whole way that was done. The dialogue and the actions between them. I can picture her saying it slowly as she savored torturing him. Damn damn damn. Good stuff.

    Not caring about the potential consequences, he opened his mouth and exhaled the remaining air from his lungs.
    The heat suddenly forced its way from throat and out his mouth, combusting into a ball of fire as it touched the air. Leo’s head jerked back from the recoil as the newly formed Ember attack collided with Nexus’s face, exploding in a flash of fire and ash.
    The whole slow burn (PUN!) sequence of Leo's first fire attack was, again, GORGEOUS. So intense and well-described and beautiful. Excellent, excellent. I've never much cared for pokemorph fiction, the amazing way you describe Leo's life makes me want to write my own. Just, seriously...great, fantastic work.

    Wire wrestled for control of —what was rightfully his— body.
    No need for those dashes. It's fine without them.

    Wire felt was she ripped control of his legs, and charged forward at the Charmeleon who was still recovering from his last altercation with her.
    The beginning is a bit messed up there. "Wire felt Nexus rip control of his legs from him and charge at the Charmeleon..." maybe?

    Then it struck him. Is that blood? He slowly lowered his gaze downwards to his chest. That’s blood. A long, jagged, gash made it’s way across Leo’s chest like a serpent. That’s … blood. Upon closer inspection it seemed to run from his lower ribcage to his stomach, it was deep, and it was leaking a constant waterfall of crimson. That’s my blood!
    Honestly, if there were any mistakes in the paragraphs leading up to this one, I missed them because I was so wonderfully entranced in the brilliance of Leo's scattered assortment of experiences. Again: brilliant. Realistic and vibrant and ethereal. Fan-bloody-tastic.

    Adrenaline could only numb away so much pain and give so much false energy before it failed like everything else.
    I'm not sure what "everything else" there is. You mean like the ability to stand and his mind's ability to dissociate from the pain? I assume so, but it reads kind of vaguely. I'd clear it up or just cut out "like everything else" entirely. It could also mean he knows he's about to die and that every part of his body is about to fail, I guess. Like I said: vague.

    Author’s Notes: I’m really impressed at how this chapter turned out. I mean, I really think the battle went well considering it was my first time attempting…………

    I’m kidding, it’s not really the end, not even I’m that senselessly cruel.
    Enjoy the rest of the chapter.
    I'm going to be brutally honest: That would have been a great place to end the chapter. As it is, I LITERALLY just plopped my head down into my hands and said "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG. JESUS CHRIST". I'm looking at my clock and seeing it is currently 10:27. I started reading/reviewing this chapter at 8:45. This is like an endurance test after a while. They could put some of your chapters in a Ninja Warrior course.

    Like I just said...I've been at this for over an hour and a half, and I really want to shower and eat, so I've GOT to pretend this is the ACTUAL chapter end and tap out for now. I'll be back later on, of course. But for now...whew. I'm spent.


    EDIT #1: Okay, I got a bit more done, but still not all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    If it weren’t the fact that everything in the area was still black and white, and that nothing was moving, he would almost say it was real.
    Oh, and the fact that he was looking at his own bleeding body on the ground made him think it was slightly unreal.
    The last bit about "Oh and the fact..." sounds a bit colloquial for a third-person narrator. I would change that so there is less of that. Otherwise, it kind of makes the narrator a character in the story with snideness and a personality.

    Looking over the scene, he was just what a dire predicament they all where in:
    *saw, not was.

    Jay, barely standing, about to be squished by the out of control Metagross, and Kelly, her hind leg definitely fractured, looked seconds away from passing out from exhaustion as her frozen body leaned over his.
    Again, "squished" is a bit flavorful and colloquial for this narrator, so I might change that to "crushed" or something. And the later part should be "looked TO BE seconds away from passing out..."

    From what he could see, he and the ghost were standing in the middle of a frozen, city market place, far bigger then anything he’d seen in Loyalty. The scores of Pokemon around them stopped in place as the ghost floated around them.
    No comma after "frozen".

    This time they’d arrived on top of a ice capped mountain. Time may have been frozen, but Leo could still feel the utter cold of the peak.
    Saying "This time" tends to imply present tense. I'd change the beginning there to just say "Next" or "Suddenly".

    “Your performance so far has been decent; make no mistake, my friend. The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but you failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. Believe me, you failed miserably,” he revealed as he forced the world to distort and reform again. This time they were in the middle of a large grass courtyard, with tall stone buildings all around.
    Another case of "this time" for you to change. And the "you" I bolded should be "your". It's a gerund issue again, with "failing" actually being the noun in that sentence, so you use "your" as an adjective to the noun.

    “I must go now as many matters still require my attention. Someone will be along for you shortly. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be careful, otherwise I will have to … terminate your observation prematurely. I’d rather not have to perform another direct intervention like this again. Before I leave you, there is still one virus that I have to … sanitize,” he said, as he chanted another string of words. Leo fell unconscious as soon as they hit his ears.
    Okay, so...wow. I have no idea what's going on now. But in a good way. A way that leaves lots of questions that I'm sure you'll tease out answers to.
    Last edited by Sid87; 21st August 2012 at 11:20 PM.


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  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Lugia's storm...I like that. Adds a very nice flavor to see that the pokemon have their own exclamations of shock (beyond the stereotypical and overused "Oh my Arceus" variants).
    I fully intend never to use that "curse" in my story. I see it freaking everywhere. I just try to think what a regular Pokemon would think of these "gods".

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post

    Don't forget to put a full space between your paragraphs!
    I didn't realize that I had so many of these errors in this chapter. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    And the last bit was a tad confusing because I was unsure whether it was the creepy internal voice, Leo, or "the pokemon who trapped them" that was speaking the italicized dialogue. It was a bit ambiguous to me.
    It was Leo, he was thinking sarcastically to himself. Eh, it sounded good to me, though I tried to make it clearer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Hey! Dashes! Only thing is, you don't need a comma after the dashes. Dashes take on the usage of the comma in that instance. So it should be "pain--Leo suspected the latter (not later, btw)--but after".
    Yes, I AM actually learning to use dashes correctly. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Anyway, the rest of the sentence is all weird. "then turning causing Leo's legs to instinctively step backwards..." I'm not sure what that's supposed to say. Should it just be "...more than capable of causing Leo's legs to..."?
    There was actually a part of a sentence that I thought I deleted whortly before I posted. That's why it was so junked up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Okay, I LOL'ed. Literally and actually "out loud". Good stuff.
    I hoped somebody would.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Damn, son. That was good. I like the whole way that was done. The dialogue and the actions between them. I can picture her saying it slowly as she savored torturing him. Damn damn damn. Good stuff.
    I just might sig this, thanks!
    Interestingly enough, that scene was the very first one I thought of when I started writing the chapter. I liked it so much that I made sure it would fit in the chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The whole slow burn (PUN!) sequence of Leo's first fire attack was, again, GORGEOUS. So intense and well-described and beautiful. Excellent, excellent. I've never much cared for pokemorph fiction, the amazing way you describe Leo's life makes me want to write my own. Just, seriously...great, fantastic work.
    Really?! My story made you want to write your own? Well, that's... wow, thanks. Whether you actually plan on doing that, or not, just thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post

    No need for those dashes. It's fine without them.
    Disregard what I said earlier about learning how to use these.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The beginning is a bit messed up there. "Wire felt Nexus rip control of his legs from him and charge at the Charmeleon..." maybe?
    Hmm, I fixed it, though I'm not sure why I wrote it that way. Maybe my brain was thinking of the scene, while my hands wrote something different.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Honestly, if there were any mistakes in the paragraphs leading up to this one, I missed them because I was so wonderfully entranced in the brilliance of Leo's scattered assortment of experiences. Again: brilliant. Realistic and vibrant and ethereal. Fan-bloody-tastic.
    I had a conversation with Azurus abotu whether or not it was bad that I was having so much fun writing this scene. His unrelated thoughts, cracked reasoning, and his complete ignorance to the fact that he was dying of blood loss, they were all fun to write.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post

    I'm not sure what "everything else" there is. You mean like the ability to stand and his mind's ability to dissociate from the pain? I assume so, but it reads kind of vaguely. I'd clear it up or just cut out "like everything else" entirely. It could also mean he knows he's about to die and that every part of his body is about to fail, I guess. Like I said: vague.
    It's your second guess about his body failing, though maybe I should have used the brain one. Anyways, it's fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm going to be brutally honest: That would have been a great place to end the chapter. As it is, I LITERALLY just plopped my head down into my hands and said "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG. JESUS CHRIST". I'm looking at my clock and seeing it is currently 10:27. I started reading/reviewing this chapter at 8:45. This is like an endurance test after a while. They could put some of your chapters in a Ninja Warrior course.
    I was looking at this during lunch, and my friend was asking me why I was laughing so hard. It's in my nature to write looong chapters, you know that. (This is nothing to how long Chapter Three was)
    I honestly thought that people would get ticked off because they thought it was a real ending, not the other way around.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Like I just said...I've been at this for over an hour and a half, and I really want to shower and eat, so I've GOT to pretend this is the ACTUAL chapter end and tap out for now. I'll be back later on, of course. But for now...whew. I'm spent.
    I'm sorry that my chapters take so long to edit. That said, thanks for all the effort you're putting into these reviews.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Okay, so...wow. I have no idea what's going on now. But in a good way. A way that leaves lots of questions that I'm sure you'll tease out answers to.
    I'm glad I managed to confuse you. Yes, the answers will be slowly and painfully revealed, don't you worry.

    Thanks for your review, I really apperciate all of the effort you put into these. I'm going to spend whatever time I have over the next few days (which is sadly limited due to school), and try to finish up my review of your story.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  3. #103
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    This is, by far, one of the best PMD fics I've read. Please can I be added to the PM list? I will do a reveiw (or mainly, just commenting about the latest chapter) with the start of the next chapter. Thanks!
    Looking for a battle, any mode. PM me if you want one.

    I am looking for:(pm me offers)


    I've won something! I'm a random audience member!
    And in addition to the $2,500 in cash, a random audience member will receive a week's stay for two at his or her choice of any Holiday Inn. Today, there are more than 1500 Holiday Inns in the world. Go with the go-ers. Do the Inn thing. Stay at the Holiday Inn.

  4. #104
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    It's an author's greatest reward when their work is praised, so thank you.
    I will most certainly add you to the list and I always appericiate reviews. As for the next chapter, it's coming along. Sometimes slowly, some times fast. It depends on my school workload.

    And thank you to everyone who enjoys this story. Over 5,000 views, wow, thanks guys.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  5. #105
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    I am a fan of the PMD games so this is an awesome fanfic. Why dew yew have a Dewott in your banner?
    Formerly Grav.
    Quite inactive, but still available. If you have a fanfic that no one wants to review, PM/VM me and I'll give you a hand.

  6. #106
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    Wow, thanks. You all have no idea how much it means to me that my work us enjoyed.

    He's a character I plan on adding later, so keep an eye put for him.

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    I must say, this is an AWESOME Fanfic, and pretty mysterious too. However there ARE a lot of grammar mistakes. But still, awesome.
    Three most annoying things:

    1. Metal Mario
    2. Arrogance
    3. Writer's Block

  8. #108
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    Hello, always awesome to see new readers.

    Unfortunately, I know about the mistakes, and I'm trying my best to correct and avoid them all together. I meant what I said in the beginning of this story, I will always strive to better my writing skills. I said there would be a lot of rookie errors on my part, but I'm trying to clear those up.
    I'm thankful to my reivewers who point out these errors when they see them, so if you would be so kind as to point out some of those errors, I would be very gratefull.

    Anyways, glad you're enjoying it.

    Knightfsll signing off ...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 8th September 2012 at 3:15 AM.

  9. #109
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    Chapter Six: Severance



    Begin Report :
    The sector sweep of Experimental Items Testing chambers in Area Four remains inconclusive. Employee number 286 is continues to evade apprehension by unknown means.
    A more extensive search will be conducted within the hour and will include ventilation ducts as well as maintenance areas. Porygon drones have been launched to patrol food and water sources to ensure # 286 will be brought out by whatever means possible.

    Internal interference detected within central unit. Running diagnostic: ………Extracting Program……… Initiating Program………..
    [Warning:P-Z Disk Operation System_Offline][P-Z NXS System _Online]

    “I’ve been reduced to little more than nothing. How?! How could He allow this to happen to me?! Someone will pay the price. Ha! He abandoned me … Once I find him … I will kill him. I’ll kill them all.”
    [Warning: P-Z NXS System Failure]
    [Location_ Redacted][Time_ Date: Redacted][Report_ Nature_ Undisclosed]




    They were tired, she knew it, and she was certain Jay and Leo knew it too. Kelly wasn’t sure how they’d arrived in the middle of Liberty Market, or even if Gear was telling the truth to begin with on the means of their arrival.

    The last thing she remembered before waking up in Gear’s quarters in the jail was standing over Leo trying to heal his wound. As they walked through the Square she shot a glance at her strange teammate.

    The only indication that she wasn’t dreaming when it happened was the thin, jagged scar that ran over his chest scales.

    It doesn’t make sense, she thought as they ignored the sideways glances of the townsfolk and their whispered gossip, we were all injured by that Metagross, but now here we are and none worse for the ware. Even my leg is fixed, and I’m certain it was broken. Not even a Chansey can heal bones that quickly.

    She wasn’t going to complain, whatever had happened, she was glad it did. She thought back to the battle. She had stood in shock as Leo jumped on the beast’s head, giving her a chance to run. Jay almost being crushed as he tried to land punches on the Metagross while she wandered around in a daze. Her heart had stopped when she saw Leo waving to her without a care in the world while blood was pouring profusely from the wound in his chest.

    Her body shuddered involuntarily, not at the thought of the blood, but at the thought of losing him. She might have only met him a few days ago, but they’d been through a lot in a short period of time.

    As far as she was concerned, Leo was as close of a teammate and friend as Jay, and she was not about to lose a friend.

    The group finally broke free of the town and started down the forest trail to their base. As her tired paws dragged along the ground, she wondered why Gear had arrested them in the first place.

    She knew those mechanical spawns of royal decree had something to do with it, but with all the looks they were getting from the citizens of the Square, she assumed they must have made a big disturbance. Gear had taken them into custody to protect them, not to harm them.

    His “interrogation” of them was merely asking them if they knew what happened. When they’d answered that they didn’t, he’d taken the liberty to recount to them eye witness reports of the incident.

    They then told him of the Metagross; Gear assured them that wanted posters were already being put up at all nearby stations. After Gear was finished with his questions, he suggested that they lay low and relax for a couple days, and Kelly agreed completely.

    They had been attacked and beaten in the last two dungeons they did a job in, so she felt that a break was exactly what they needed. Gear, possibly purely out of pity, decided to give them all badges to replace the ones lost the day before free of charge.

    She looked at Leo again; unlike Jay who just wore a tired expression, he seemed … almost jumpy. His eyes darted around, looking at each and every tree and shadow as if a ghost were going to pop out from behind one of them at any moment.

    Had her legs not felt like they were going to fall off at any moment, she would have gone over to him and asked what the matter was. Though he didn’t seem like the type of Pokemon that opened up easily, she would at least ask what was troubling him. She reminded herself to do this first thing tomorrow.

    She let out a sigh of relief when she saw their base after leaving the forest trail. It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it.

    She felt like she was cheating someone every time she entered it, she and Jay would have had to do three month’s worth of jobs to even begin to afford a home like this, but instead they got it free.

    Most citizens worked and worked, but were only able to live in the wooden shacks scattered around the Square and the valley.

    Every night she whispered a prayer to Raikou that fate wouldn’t come back to haunt them for taking advantage of this, or if it did, at the very least it haunt Jay.

    Regardless of her guilty conscious, she dragged herself inside ahead of Leo and Jay. Even though it was not yet late in the afternoon, she groggily mumbled something that sounded like “Good night” to them and went to her room.

    She staggered to her bed of hay and plopped down on top of it with a sigh. She heard the sound of paper crunching underneath her and fished around with her paw until she found the source of the noise. Holding it up, she looked at it in the glow of the Luminous Orb shards.

    Kel? Please write back.
    We can only hope this letter reaches you.

    I’m- we’re sorry about everything. You have no idea what is like as a father being unable to do nothing but write letters knowing his daughter is alone somewhere in the world. I can’t possibly express how badly we miss you. Your mother cries every night believing it was her fault that you’re not with us.

    I’m sorry. I know you think we failed you as parents, and I think the same way. We were putting our own interests ahead of our only daughter and for that, I will never forgive myself, nor will your mother for that matter.

    We wish terribly that you were with us, but we can’t leave the Colonies. The Pokemon here need us, we must do our duty and lead them through this crisis. Though if the general would let us, we’d have you here at Latios speed. We try everyday to secure passage for you, but the war is making it difficult as you know.

    Kelly, we love you. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, even though you probably hate us now. For one and a half years, we’ve been away from you, and for an entire year and a half it’s broken our hearts to be so far away from the joy of our lives.

    I can only pray to Arceus that you are healthy and are happy with where you are. I am certain that you have grown into the strong Pokemon I’d always hoped you would become.
    I promise you we will be together again as a family. Even if we have to commit treason to do so, we will see you again. Please, Kelly, forgive us.

    Your loving parents.


    She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t written back. Why would I? They left me for the Colonies. They made their choice, she thought bitterly as her fur bristled with electricity.

    Tears welling in her eyes, she held the letter in her paw as the minute charge flowed up her forearm and into the letter. It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought she closed her eyes.

    As she slept, memories from two years ago resurfaced.

    Her parent’s large home formed inside her head, too realistic to be a mere dream.
    Every item was as she remembered it, not a piece of furniture out of place. Even the minute crack in the front window she had caused when she was practcing her newfound attacks.
    As she wandered through the house, she saw herself. The smaller Eevee kept anxiously looking out of the window as if waiting for some important delivery.

    Then she remembered, she remembered this day perfectly. Suddenly she was the nieve Eevee at the front window, and the memory took it from there.

    Her parents had been gone for a week now, but that was usual.
    Their business in the Colonies often kept them away, but they had always returned before now. She never knew what they did during their trips to the Kingdom’s northern annexes, but whatever it was, it paid well.

    Kelly was desperately hoping to see her parents figures suddenly appear in the yard via her mother’s Teleport, but the tell-tale flash signaling their return never happened. After waiting by the window until well after midnight, she fell asleep to the sounds of her own sobbing.

    She repeated this routine for two agonizing weeks, with occasional trips into Solace Town using her parent’s money to buy food.

    After two weeks of no news, nothing at all, she overheard conversations that spoke of reignited civil war between the Kingdom and the Colonies.
    It was at that moment that she knew her parents weren’t coming back for a long time.

    She spent the next few months in a state of disbelief as she continued her routine, still hoping that what everyone said was untrue, that her parents were somehow apart of the Colonies’ treason, that they were … traitors. Her parents, traitors? Impossible.

    She wasn’t sure when she woke up from her delusion, but when she did, she gathered a bag of supplies, left a letter in case her parents ever returned, and set off away from Solace and everything she had ever known.

    She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.

    She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.

    Their team, Team Salient on the official records, made a small living doing small jobs for Gear and the various shops around town, and later took the job of patrolling the boarder of Tranquility Fields.

    She was happy, just as her parents hoped she would be, and she didn’t need them.



    Leo woke the next morning grateful that he didn’t torch another piece of literature, but that was the only positive thing about it. His body may have rested slightly, but his mind never stopped racing. He continually went through all of the experiences he'd had ever since joining this Team Salient, and with each one, he grew more and more uncertain of his well-being.

    He had been bruised, slashed, beaten, and even killed, though subsequently brought back to life by that … thing. All within the last few days. Any sane person would have pieced together the puzzle by now that staying here provided few health benefits.

    He was relieved that both Jay and Kelly shared his idea of not doing a job today, though the relief didn’t last long, as his thoughts from the night before continued to plague him. He was so engrossed in his mind that he refused to eat breakfast or lunch.

    He couldn’t bring himself to talk to his teammates at all, even while he was training with Jay to gain more control over his attacks, he remained distant. When Kelly had come over to him and asked him what was troubling him, he reluctantly brushed her away. Reading the collection of books in his room brought him little respite from the memories.

    Every time the thoughts came back; he was unable to keep them away. It was as if his mind wasn't acting right; he didn't want to leave. Yet it seemed to go against him and showed him the memories regardless.

    The more he went through them and analyzed them, the more he came to the conclusion that he couldn’t remain here. He hated the very idea of leaving his teammates, but it was as if his basic instincts for survival had kicked in and were now guiding him.

    That was why, while they were eating their dinner of Berry soup he spoke for the first time that day.



    “I’m done.”

    Kelly’s ears perked up as she heard the phrase. Leo was sitting there, his face downcast, looking at his untouched bowl of soup. She had asked him if something was wrong earlier, but he’d refused to answer. There was no denying it though, something was up with him.

    “Done? You haven’t eaten anything though,” Jay pointed out before emptying his bowl’s contents into his mouth.

    Leo slowly raised his head, as Kelly nearly gasped. He looked horrible. His eyes looked more sunken then they were yesterday even though he slept longer than her. If she wasn’t convinced that something was wrong before, she was now.

    “I’m done,” he repeated emotionlessly as his gaze slowly shifted from Jay to her.

    “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jay asked, tilting his head in confusion.

    “I’m leaving,” he said before reaching down and taking something out of his bag. He slapped his replacement badge Gear had given him down on the small wooden table.
    Then he turned and began to walk away.

    Jay shot to his feet before she did, ran to the Charmeleon, and tried to grab onto his shoulder. Leo suddenly spun around and grabbed the Riolu’s paw in mid air, his eyes burning with the emotion he lacked earlier.
    He threw Jay’s arm to the side with an angry huff.

    “Don’t try to stop me, Jay,” he said coldly, narrowing his eyes at his teammate.

    Jay wasn’t fazed in the slightest. “Just where do you think you’re going, Leo?” He asked calmly.

    “I don’t know, but anywhere’s safer than here,” Leo shot back.

    “What are you talking about, Leo?” Kelly asked, wondering if what was troubling him had finally gotten the better of him.

    Leo slapped his forehead in frustration. “I’ve been bruised, arrested, beaten, shocked, gassed, slashed, and nearly killed on multiple occasions! I’m done! I’m leaving!” he screamed as he turned tail and stomped out of the base.

    Jay just closed his eyes. "Damn it …” he muttered.

    Kelly quickly looked to her teammate. “What are you doing standing there!? Come on! We’ve got to go after him!” she yelled as she tugged on Jay’s arm.

    Jay pulled his limb out of her grasp. “Why should we? You saw how adamant he was about leaving. He obviously doesn’t want to stay here,” he countered, crossing his arms.

    “Are you really that shallow, Jay!? Something’s wrong with him! We can’t let him leave, he’ll get himself hurt, or worse!” she exclaimed as the horrible scenes from the battle with Wire flashed through her mind.

    “Fine. Let’s go find that undeserving piece of –” Jay nearly swore, but was cut off as Kelly dragged him out of the base.



    Leo ran out of the yard as fast as he could, he had to get as far away from here as he could before something nearly killed him again. He sprinted onto the dirt pathway that lead into the woods, not quite sure were he was going, but he didn’t care.

    He felt guilty at the way he yelled at them, but there was no turning back now, guilt or no guilt. He ran through the low undergrowth of the forest, trying to keep his tail aloft as to not ignite an inferno.

    He mentally slapped himself for not having a better plan of leaving, no supplies, no map, no bag, nothing. I really let my emotions get ahead of me back there, didn’t I?

    He was just about to figure out where to go next when his head suddenly felt like it had been hit with a brick. He went sprawling to the ground, as the headache grew more and more painful with every passing millisecond.

    “Hello, my friend. Whatever are you doing on the ground? Oh yes, I remember: I put you there.” Leo just groaned as the voice invaded his ears.

    “I’m afraid that as a candidate you cannot leave. Your absence would be felt deeply since you have shone a very small glimmer of success in this operation. My employers would not be pleased if I let you continue on this path,” the voice told him.

    Leo gritted his teeth.

    “Oh yeah? Just try and stop me. You and your employers can go die as far as I’m concerned,” he said as he forced himself to his feet and continued walking despite the increasing sensation of pain in his head.

    “It would be unwise for you to underestimate my abilities, Leo. My generosity in … reviving your worthless corpse was not free. You still have a debt to pay. I suggest you think carefully before answering.”

    “Bite me,” Leo growled as he stumbled further along the path.

    “So be it. Praestigiae!”



    A hallway lined with clinical white panels, an equally white light shining from the ceiling, and a strange mechanical humming. Leo was puzzled, and rightfully so. He didn’t remember entering this place.

    Holding his tail close to his body for warmth in the cold facility, he started walking down the hallway.
    Suddenly, the panels on both sides of the corridor started to shift. They slowly moved closer to each other, sealing off the hallway.

    Leo gasped and started sprinting down the path, but his steps were halted as the floor opened up beneath him, sending him down to a place forsaken by even Giratina. His screams went unheard by sentient ears.

    Dazed, Leo looked up as the small chute connecting to the hallway directly above disappeared.
    He looked around; dark, cracked concrete slabs walled him in on three sides, leaving only a single exit to the strange room. Groaning as he got to his feet, he held his tail out in front of him to light the dark passage.

    Faint sounds of screeching metal mingled with the occasional echoing drip of some forgotten faucet, but even the subtle background noises couldn’t hold back the oppressive silence that permeated every inch of the decrepit building.

    It wasn’t the lack of any signs of life in the place, or even the haunting sounds that resonated from beyond the walls that scared him, it was the murals. All along the wall, hundreds of them painted there.

    Some were abstract, showing faceless figures running from some unseen threat, but it was the vivid paintings that could lay the foundation for nightmares.

    A man laying in a puddle of his own blood, crushed by a cloud of green. Blurs of colors fused into a gigantic rainbow vortex that consumed an entire wall.

    Words of unknown origin were scrawled in some sort of insane pattern, each phrase accompanied by screaming figures or ominous red eyes. And the worst one of all was when he saw himself among one of the prophetic murals.

    He traced a claw across a painted Charmeleon figure was backed up against a wall of darkness with the phrases “Nowhere to run!” , “Too Many Variables!”, and “Can’t Escape!” Leo was perplexed at how it was only the words seemed to float, shift, and flip until he could read them.

    There were other countless murals on the wall that he couldn’t understand, but had no time to ponder why that was as the hallway violently lurched, throwing him to the ground.

    Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him, but Leo realized that he saw a light at the end of the passageway that hadn’t been there before. He hopped to his feet and started running towards the glow, not caring about the danger.

    Another rumble shook the building, slamming Leo into the hard wall. Stars danced in his vision as his head knocked against the concrete. Aside from his aching skull, he didn’t feel nearly the amount of pain he expected.

    He got to his feet and noticed that an odd smell was in the air along with a weird hissing sound. He wasn’t sure what the strange smell was, only that it smelled strongly of rotten eggs and it seemed to appear where ever the hissing was.

    CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2O, he wasn’t sure what to make of the numbers and letters his brain had decided to show him, but he knew he was in for a bad time regardless.

    It was then that he noticed that the small glowing light at the end of the tunnel was growing closer and brighter. He couldn’t figure out why this was until an immense wave of heat washed over him. His eyes widened as his mind finally managed to put the puzzle together. The glowing light was fire, and that smell was none other then methane gas.

    His feet froze as he clutched the wall in fear. He stared at the growing flame as the seconds counted down until it ignited the pocket of gas around him. In the final moments before incineration, muttering voices from the murals all bore down on him, screaming insanity as he squeezed his eyes shut and plugged his ears in a vain effort to block them out.

    He wasn’t sure why, but suddenly it felt like his body wasn’t under his control anymore. He removed his clawed hands from his ears even though he wanted to press them in farther. His eyes opened and his legs moved until he was standing in the middle of the hallway, the inferno growing ever closer.

    He had no chance to brace himself, or even utter a quick prayer to anyone who might be listening. There was only a loud hissing noise as the flames caught onto the gaseous fuel and combusted the entire cloud of methane.

    Leo shut his eyes as he waited for the inevitable heat of the flames to embrace his skin, only to have his body convulse in near shock as a frigid blast of air and powdered snow blew past him. After blinking a few times to ensure he wasn’t dreaming, Leo turned around in a circle.

    All around him was a vast plain of ice and snow that extended farther then he could see. There was no sign of the mysterious hallway and the fire, and no explanation as to how he got to this wasteland. He stood in awe of the magnificent ice desert, the harsh Arctic sun glinting off the smooth deposits of ice.

    The small falling flakes of snow fizzling into steam as they encountered Leo’s tail.
    Taking a tentative first step forward onto a patch of ice, he felt his heartbeat stop when he heard a deep, ominous cracking noise from far below him.

    In the blink of an eye, the pristine field of ice shattered into a million shards of ice. The ground he was standing on gave way to thin air and he fell into the massive crevasse. The frozen wind sliced through his scream like butter as he raced the ice shards to the black bottom of the abyss.

    He twisted his body around, clawing wildly at the air as he hoped against hope that a handhold would appear. As soon as he brushed up against something metal embedded in the side of the chasm, his instincts kicked in and he dug his claws into the cold metal wall.

    Leo saw sparks fly as his body was brought from terminal velocity to a screeching halt within the span of a second. Even though the forces of speed and gravity had temporarily relinquished their hold over his body, inertia had over plans, sending his head smashing into the hard steel at breakneck speeds.

    Everything went dark as the abyss, the wall, and the ice faded.



    “Wake up, scum!” The order cut across Leo’s unconscious mind as he slowly returned to the realm of the living.

    Leo tried to yelp as a painful electric shock forcefully woke him up. He looked around the darkened room; he was sitting in a chair with his wrists secured to the arms.

    A strange muzzle wrapped around his snout, making speech impossible. His breaths grew quicker as he looked up across the table in front of his chair.

    Barely discernable from the darkened walls, two figures stood against the wall watching him intently. A third figure walked out from behind his chair to the other two, twirling a strange, black machine in his fingers.

    Leo was able to catch a glance of his captors when he briefly stepped into the dim light. He was a human.
    Leo’s mind went into a tailspin. Humans!? How!? What is this!? his mind shrieked as his body went numb.

    “I don’t know, ‘ow about we just kill ‘im now? He isn’t important to anyone af’er all,” one of the leaning figures asked. Suddenly a voice came from an unseen speaker on the ceiling.

    “Fine, just make it quick. We’ve got fifty-three more prisoners to ‘interrogate’, and there’s a shipment of a dozen new freshies captured from the riots down in the Steel Province.”

    The human smiled as he casually walked up to Leo, his fingers unholstering a different, sinister device from his belt. Unable to talk, Leo shook his head violently as the human male pressed the device to the side of his head. Leo’s eyes grew wide in terror, as the human put a strong foot on the chair, keeping it and Leo secure.

    “One less freak in the world now,” the prison guard said smugly as he pulled the trigger and in a blast of white light the world cut to black and he knew no more.




    Leo landed on the dirt floor hard. Groaning, he slowly got to his feet, unsure of what sort of thing he’d have to go through next.

    Wearily looking around, he saw that he was in a large, circular pit with a high stone sides, a dirt floor, and a strange white light shinning from above the entrance of the pit. After what seemed minutes of absolutely nothing happening except the routine passage of time, the ground started vibrating.

    After being nearly incinerated, frozen, crushed, and shot, Leo realized he was getting somewhat jaded. He barely flinched as the center of the floor exploded in a shower of dirt and pebbles and a rather familiar, sentient blue tank crawled out of it.

    “Oh, it’s you,” Nexus said quietly before letting out a primal, static-filled war cry and charging at Leo.

    Leo sighed, unfazed at the spectacle, he knew it would just pass through him like all the others did and he’d be transported somewhere else. The illusion Nexus came to a screeching halt inches away from the bored Charmeleon.

    Her phantom circuits nearly shorted with the thought of an unafraid enemy, but she quickly got over herself and grabbed the unsuspecting Leo with her front foot, squeezing him tightly.

    “You do know that courage is not the absence of fear, right? Wait, that can’t be right. You’re not courageous, you’re just stupid.”

    Leo felt like his ribs were going to explode; he let out a pained yell, hoping someone would hear him. Nexus chuckled as she threw the Charmeleon into the ground like a bouncy ball, except he didn’t bounce when he hit the floor.

    He didn’t have time to register the fact that his entire body was screaming in pain as the “illusion” Nexus picked him up once more and slammed him down again onto the packed dirt. She continued to repeat this process, while Leo hoped that he would slip into the painless bliss of unconsciousness. He didn’t.

    He wasn’t sure how Nexus wasn’t going deaf from his screams, or indeed, how he was still able to scream when his neck should have snapped long ago. Somewhere in the deepest recess of his mind, he was wondering how his mind was still conscious even though his threshold of tolerance was crossed long ago.

    Leo screamed, not stopping as the possessed Metagross’s blows continued to rain down on his battered form. Somehow, his screams became even louder for an instant as he felt his right arm break, and again when every bone in his legs shatter into tiny fragments as Nexus smashed them with her leg not unlike what a hammer does to nails.

    Even if he could, he was unable to stop the one-sided beating, as his muscles seemed to be paralyzed by some unknown force — probably shock. Unable to do anything else, he continued to scream while Nexus laughed as she splintered what remained of his left arm with a crushing blow.



    Leo didn’t remember if he passed out during Nexus’s carnage, but he was glad he couldn’t feel anything anymore. Leo couldn’t see; anything outside of his immediate proximity was complete and utter darkness.

    “There were others. Others who failed to comply. Their fates weren’t pretty, but you must learn through example it seems. Study their faces well.”

    The darkness rippled and distorted as colors filled the void. Red and gold hues blended together to build a dying sunset, grey and steel slithered over each other like vines, becoming a oppressing wall, and in the center of the courtyard, a single figure of blue was being dragged onto a pedestal in the middle of the yard.

    The scene came into focus; the Golduck, escorted by a squad of Magnemite was bound to one of the several stone pillars that jutted from the pedestal floor. He seemed to not to struggle as the floating spheres fastened the metal cords around his body.

    Leo wasn’t sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence. The Golduck closed its eyes as the final cord was tightened; it looked like any chance of escape was extinguished.

    The Magnemite chattered amongst themselves for a small moment before lining up in a single, uniform line exactly ten feet away from the base of the pillar. At the direction of a large zebra like Pokemon, the Magnemite units eagerly began spinning their magnet arms, charging up tremendous amounts of very lethal electricity.

    The Golduck simply lowered his head, his will to prove himself innocent apprently long since broken in the two days he had been in this prison. As if drawn by a morbid part of his brain, Leo couldn’t his turn his gaze away from the impending execution.

    The Zebstrika let out a quick whinny and stamped the ground three times. The Magnemite calmed their charging and took aim at their prisoner.
    The commanding Pokemon stamped the ground twice more as sparks flew from her hoof. The Magnemite went silent as the Golduck looked up one last time.

    The Zebstrika stamped the ground one last time. Just as the executors were about to fire their volley of electricity, time seemed to slow down like it had been replaced with frozen molasses.

    “Good evening, Jack. I sense that something is troubling you. Whatever could it be?”

    “Go away. P-please. I-I’m done, finished,” the Golduck’s strained voice croaked.

    “Oh, believe me, my friend. This will be the last time I burden you with a visit. Since I know you are not a Pokemon to ‘beat around the bush’, as it were; I’ll get straight to the point.”

    “W-what?” Jack asked as the Mismagius continued to float around the piller.

    “You have proven to me that you are clearly unqualified for the generous employment opportunity my superiors offered you. They have given you many chances to change this view, and they now agree with me that your time is up.

    “You’re telling me that you’re done following me? R-really?”

    “I am done being the Deus Ex Machina for you; saving you from an imminent demise . I regret nothing, Jack. Standards must be upheld in this business, and you have failed to do so.”

    “F-finally! I’m free! I’m free!” Jack screamed in insane joy as the frozen Magnemites began to move once more. Their bright bolts of electricity arcing through the air as they homed in on the captive water type.

    “Kyogre, Lugia, Suicune! Thank you! Thank y--!” The electricity hit him square in the chest. It coursed through his body, amplified by the metal cords. His agonized screams were drowned out as the scene blurred and another took its place.

    “I’m afraid …”

    A small, blue and white squirrel clung to a thin branch of a tree, an abyss stretched out beneath it. Unable to take the creature’s weight, the limb snapped, sending the Pachirisu downward.

    “… that your observation …”

    With those words, the world changed once again. A small, purple and cream colored cat was backed into a dark alley, several larger figures snarled as they surrounded her. Without warning the figures launched separate beams of ice, fire, and green energy at the cowering Pokemon. As they collided with her, the landscape dissolved and reformed again.

    “… has been …”

    Two figures, one small and one large, hugged each other as a loud, insane growl shook the ruined tower around them. They instantly became enveloped in a bright, white light as the world ended.

    “…terminated.”

    A battered Ninetales and equally worn brown fox skidded to a halt as the cliff-side path ended abruptly, leaving only an uninviting abyss beyond. It looked to the path behind it, a large mob of Pokemon blocked off their escape. Magnemites and a score of Pokemon Leo had never seen before all closed in on the fleeing duo. Suddenly, a streak of shadow rushed out and knocked the Ninetales off the side, where it hung on only by the efforts of its smaller companion.

    Without warning, the Magnemite fire off a volley of lightning, hitting the duo directly. The Ninetales’ companion couldn’t hold on and they both fell into the crevasse. Their screams are cut off by a dim flash of blue from within the gorge as the ground started vibrating.

    “Effective …”

    A white-furred Pokemon with a patch of red fur around its claws swiped at a large, black snake. The snake retaliated by swinging its razor-sharp tail at the Zangoose’s neck. It was a direct hit. The Zangoose fell to the ground clutching its neck as its life bled out of the wound.

    “… immediately.”

    An electric yellow mouse braced itself as a wall of water crashed down on top of it.

    A small, brown creature with a mask of bone on its head smashed its bone club onto its attacker, to no avail.

    A tiny blue, penguin slipped on the wet rock of the cave as its bloodthirsty pursuers caught up with it. Its screams of terror were amplified by the acoustics of the cave system.

    “Good luck in the afterlife, former candidates.”


    As before, the blackness was soon pierced by a voice colder then the wasteland he was in earlier.

    “Shall we continue? There are – or rather, there were--- one-hundred and fifty-eight candidates when I began this operation on behalf of my employers. As you can see, a … considerable amount of your comrades have been … disposed of. I can assure you that continuing on this path of yours will result in immediate termination of potential employment and all future work opportunities. I won’t be vague with you, Leo. You comply with standards, or you will die in every possible meaning of the word. If this isn’t a ‘compelling reason’ for going along with my employer’s plan then I don’t know what is. This is your final warning, Leo.”

    “Wake up, Leo. Wake up, and face the consequences.”



    “Wake up, Leo!” Jay’s voice shouted from above his unmoving form.

    “This doesn’t look good. Leo, can you hear me? Oh no, oh no, oh no …” Kelly’s worried tone sounded after Jay.

    Leo groaned softly as feeling returned to the vast majority of his body. He slowly struggled to move his legs as pinpricks of pain shot through his nerves.

    “Thank the Creator, you’re alright!” Kelly exclaimed as he nearly collapsed to the ground again she as hugged him in joy. A pained groan from the Charmeleon caused Kelly to break her embrace.

    “So, what happened to you? One minute you’re intent on leaving us, the next you’re on the ground screaming like Giratina himself came for your soul. Mind telling us exactly what happened?” Jay asked as he grabbed Leo’s arm and forced him to his feet. Leo winced in pain at being jerked upwards.

    “Nothing happened. I’m … fine,” Leo huffed as he tried to take a step forward. Instead of moving ahead, he ended up clutching a nearby tree for support as his legs almost gave out.

    “No. You’re not fine, Leo. You’re going back to the base, and you’re going to tell us everything. Whether you like it or not,” Jay stated as he grabbed Leo by the shoulder and peeled him off the tree.

    The sudden change in momentum and position proved to be too much for the traumatized Charmeleon as he fell to his hands and knees and threw up whatever remained in his stomach on the forest trail.

    “Leo! Jay, help me with him!” Kelly yelled as the Riolu reluctantly hoisted Leo to his feet. Using Kelly and Jay as support, Leo gingerly walked back towards his temporary home, uncertain what the next day would hold for him.

    “I-I’m sorry. For everything.” Leo whispered as he slowly limped along the trail.



    Two Hours Later

    In a small booth in the darkest corner of the café in Loyalty, a group of Pokemon conversed. The loud chatter of the late-night patrons all around them providing more then enough noise pollution to keep their affairs from potential eavesdroppers.

    There where three Pokemon at the booth, to be precise. Two of them sat scrunched up against each other on one side of the booth, while leaving a respectable amount of space for their superior on the other half.

    “Didn’t your team gain a recruit recently?” the authoritative figure said to his two subordinates.

    The two he was addressing looked at each other for a second before answering.

    “We thought best not to include him in this business until after we could trust him.”

    Their superior chuckled, “Wise choice, now why I’ m here…”

    “There have been only two instances, though they’ll straighten out on their own. We do have three teams on the threat list though that need to be … you know… dispatched as soon as possible … before the damage worsens that is,” the figure on the right of the booth reported.

    “That will put a strain on our available resources, but you’re sure they pose a threat to the general’s plans?”

    “We’re certain, especially team Beta. What’s happened to them is too much of to be a coincidence. They, Alpha, and Gamma need to be disposed of quickly.”

    “Of course. It that it?” the superior asked.

    “Sir, the king, he’s tightened security, as I’m certain you’ve noticed. It’s going to be much harder to get anything done with them in the way.”

    “Never you mind about them. There are contingency plans in place to take care of ‘his royal highness’ when the time is right. Now go, your positions cannot be compromised. Not when we’re so close to the end.”

    “So, the rumors are true then? About the war. It’s almost over?”

    “….. Yes. It will all be over soon. Now get back to your positions.”

    “Yes, sir. For the Colonies.”

    “For the Colonies …”

    The figures then left as unnoticed as they entered; not one of the patrons even knew they were there.



    “Sir, I’m sorry to intrude on your … solitude. However, I believe I have received enough optimal data from my observations. I can firmly say with utmost confidence that I believe Phase One is over. The time to initiate Phase Two is nigh …”


    End Chapter Six



    Author’s Notes:

    Wow, this took longer then I thought it would, but it’s still what I consider “timely” do to school now constricting my time like an anaconda does pray,

    I really tried to give Team Salient a “relaxing” chapter, and I did in a way since they weren’t really injured by a dungeon boss or anything.
    I want your thoughts on how I handled Leo’s “illusion trip”, was it “weird” enough or not? Or was it just something else entirely?

    I told you all this before, but I can honestly say that the next few chapters are where the great plot gears in this machine of a fanfic finally start turning. Expect action. Expect the unexpected. Expect school related delays.

    Thanks to everyone who reads my work, silent or not. From the bottom of my heart, thanks. You’ve all shown so much support for this even though it’s not even ten chapters old. I promise you all that I will always strive to make each new chapter better than the last.

    Knightfall signing off …
    Last edited by Knightfall; 25th July 2013 at 12:44 AM. Reason: Fixing Mistakes

  10. #110
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    ery Nice Appeal. Its been 3 weeks you know, since I've stopped at chapter 4. I read 5th and 6th today. Had to deal with college exams for those 3 weeks. But You know what, here are my views.

    -I am seeing a lot of themes in your story from Assassins Creed 2, brotherhood, and Revelations. Especially with the illusion travel poor charmeleon had to undergone. He must be the Desmond under Ezio's influence.
    -Oh no, Metagross is possessed? He's just as horrible to remember as Rayquaza in Sapphire.
    -Then they faced near death situations in PMD esque style mixed with Far Cry 3.
    -If you can correct me, tel me: Leo is the protagonist (Charmeleon), Kelly is the female Jolteon, Ray is Riolu?, I'm not sure who's dewott.
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    Very excellent chapter, the sequence was a little jumpy but for a reason, that being that it's supposed to be. Anyway, here's what I have for errors.

    Is continues to evade... *continued*

    She never planed to stay *planned*

    burning with emotion he lack earlier. *lacked

    The ground he was standing on gave *added*

    “About damn time you stopped being to vague,” *so*

    "I’m regret nothing" *I regret nothing or I'm regretting nothing, doesn't sound right otherwise.*

    Keep up the good work Knightfall, I always look foward to more.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

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    It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought closed her eyes.
    Without another thought she closed her eyes.

    She wasn’t sure when she woke up from her delusion, but when she did, she gathered a bag of supplies, left a letter incase her parents ever returned, and set off away from Solace and everything she had ever known.
    ...left a letter in case her parents ever returned...

    She never planed to stay, but when she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations.
    ...but then she met...

    Jay just closed his eyes. “Cobalion, damn it…” he muttered.
    Again, I love how your using the legends to swear too...but that one didnt work. Just saying.

    I’m regret nothing, Jack.
    I regret nothing...

    Their where three Pokemon at the booth, to be precise.
    There where three...


    Other than those, it was a brilliant chapter. Charmeleon's crazy trip is sure to put him in his place. Nexus still reminds me of GlaDOS, even in illusion form. Keep up the good work!
    Last edited by Brutaka; 11th September 2012 at 12:45 AM.
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  13. #113
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    Thanks for your responces, everyone!

    @jireh, I have never played any of those games, but the illusion Leo had was very powerful, no doubt there.
    As for Wire (the Metagross), his fate remains to be determined.
    You are correct with the characters. The Dewott has not made his apperence yet, but he will one of these days.

    @Azurus, thanks. I fixed those mistakes. It's not like me to have so many wording errors, it does me no good if my writing is getting better if I keep leaving out words.

    @Brutaka, fixed those errors as well. I knew it didn't sound well, but for some reason I didn't take it out. It's better now that I edited it.
    It certainly looks like Leo has gotten the rebelious thoughts squashed out of him doesn't it? We'll see if his "trip" has any effect on the future.
    I actually gave Nexus one of her lines ("Oh, it's you,"), I don't know why, it just fit. And her second line I got off of one of the Aperture Science posters from Portal 1. Again, it just fit.

    Thanks everyone who reviewed, and to all those who read this.

    Knightfall signing off ...

  14. #114
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    The 6th Chapter was truly..... disturbing. Usually you wouldn't expect THAT much darkness from Pokemon. But then again, look at Zero from the Kirby series. Zero is the only character in all of Kirby to bleed, which is EXTREMELY dark for something as bright and whimsical as Kirby. So I guess this works, because if something truly disturbing could happen to one of Nintendo's youngest and cutest characters, then it could happen to ANYTHING. Just saying.
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  15. #115
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    Thanks, I was going for the dark/psychological horror aspect of Leo's troubled mind and his menevolent "observer".

    I'm glad it came out well, since this was my first time really writing that sort of thing. Thanks for the feedback!

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Like dreams making a permanent impact to your life. I bet you know Assassins Creed. You see, the hero, Desmond Miles, has to uncover the secrets of his ancestors through a machine called an Animus since he holds the genes of his Assassin Ancestors.

    You get the drill. Reminds me 2 years ago when I dreamed about the pokemon educating me their ways. And When I woke up, I had a moment that I don't know who I was or what happened before I had tat dream. The funny thing is that I temporarily don't know the word Human. Creepy
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

  17. #117
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    I start my new job in an hour, so I figured I'd get a review STARTED on this, and I can finish it up later when I have more time (BTW, am I not on a PM list for this? I don't recall getting one that this chapter was up).

    They were tired, she knew it, and she was certain Jay and Leo knew it too. Kelly wasn’t sure how they’d arrived in the middle of Liberty Market, or even if Gear was telling the truth to begin with on the means of their arrival.
    The last thing she remembered before waking up in Gear’s quarters in the jail was standing over Leo trying to heal his wound. As they walked through the Square she shot a glance at her strange teammate.
    Still having trouble with the paragraphs, eh?

    She wasn’t going to complain, whatever had happened, she was glad it did when it did.
    The "it did when it did" part is a bit awkward there. I'd say, if it were me, "...whatever had happened, she was glad it happened when it did" or "...she was glad it did at that moment".

    As far as she was concerned, Leo was as close of a teammate and friend as Jay and she was not about to lose a friend.
    Should be a comma after "Jay".

    His “interrogation” of them was merely asking them if they knew what happened. When they’d answered that they didn’t, he’d taken the liberty to recount to them eye witness accounts of the incident.
    "recount" and "account" used so closely together here just reads a little weird. "recount accounts". Heh, I dunno why. Maybe change "accounts" to "reports"?

    They then told him of the Metagross; Gear assured them that wanted posters were already being put up at all nearby stations. After Gear was finished with his questions, he suggested that they lay low and relax for a couple days and Kelly agreed completely.
    Comma after "relax for a couple days".

    Gear, in some sort of pity, felt it in his heart to give them all badges to replace the ones lost the day before.
    A few things here: I don't love "in some sort of pity", because the narration is Kelly-focused, and I see no reason she would KNOW that's why Gear did it. So maybe "Gear, possibly purely out of pity, decided to give them all badges..." (I don't like the "felt it in his heart", either).

    She looked at Leo again, unlike Jay who just wore a tired expression, he seemed … almost jumpy.
    Semi-colon after "Leo again". Or put an "and" after the comma.

    She let out a sigh of relief when she saw their base after leaving the forest trail. It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it.
    Foreshadowing? Will we have to deal with angry, displaced, former owners? Uh oh!

    Every night she whispered a prayer to Raikou that fate wouldn’t come back to haunt them for taking advantage of this, or if it did, at the very least haunt Jay.
    Funny. Again, I like the usage of other legendaries other than just praying to Arceus. Also, put an "it" before "haunt Jay".


    -All right, I know that's not much of it, but I've got to go shower and get dressed. I'll be back, of course.
    Last edited by Sid87; 14th September 2012 at 11:12 PM.


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  18. #118
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    Well, after many school related delays of my own, and bits of pure laziness, here's the comment!
    Kill them all …killthemallkillthemallkillthemall! KILL THEM ALLLLLLLL! ZZT!”
    Whoa there, calm down. Is that officer Magnezone? Sounds (types?) like him.
    It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it.
    Please don;t tell me this is a minute hint towards a sub-plot, later in the story (or tell me, I'm not the boss of you).
    She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t wrote back. Why would I? They left me for the Colonies.
    Is this some sort of civil war? The king against the colonies? Has that already been said and I'm being stupid?
    After two weeks of nothing, she overheard conversations that spoke of reignited civil war between the Kingdom and the Colonies.
    ...that was on purpose, wasn't it?
    “Fine. Let’s go find that undeserving piece of –” Jay nearly swore, but was cut off as Kelly dragged him out of the base.
    I am running through several scenes of pulling/pushing in my mind. I don't know how to imagine it, though.
    “Hello, my friend. Whatever are you doing on the ground? Oh yes, I remember: I put you there.”
    Great. Yet another big headed, evil maniac.
    CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2O
    What's with all the science? Planning to read this out in chemistry lessons? But really, why?
    Nexus chuckled as she threw the Charmeleon into the ground like a bouncy ball, except he didn’t bounce when he hit the floor.
    And the most useful addition at the end of a sentence goes to...
    “About damn time you stopped being to vague,” Jack growled.
    What, a big headed, evil maniac being vague? When has that ever happened?
    “Sir, I’m sorry to intrude on your … solitude. However, I believe I have received enough optimal data from my observations. I can firmly say with upmost confidence that I believe Phase One is over. The time to initiate Phase Two is nigh …”
    I really hope that you are actually make some sense out of this soon. I am going to take a random guess, that one of the members of that mystery team is the dewott, and the mysterious figure will appear as a mismagnus. Just seems that way to me.

    Overall, a great chapter. It's nice (if that's the word) to see a darker turn on PMD. Look forward to the next chapter. Bye!
    Looking for a battle, any mode. PM me if you want one.

    I am looking for:(pm me offers)


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  19. #119
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    Alright, responce time!

    I fixed all that you pointed out. Thanks, Sid. And I'm still working on my reivew. It's not done yet, but it's getting there.

    Oh, and there's a small little plot bit that I have planned about why no one prays to Arceus. It'll be interesting.

    And rangernumberx, thanks for your review.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    Whoa there, calm down. Is that officer Magnezone? Sounds (types?) like him.
    Not Officer Gear, no. Good guess though. The true being behind that quote remains to be seen.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    Please don;t tell me this is a minute hint towards a sub-plot, later in the story (or tell me, I'm not the boss of you).
    Both you and Sid asked the same question. And the answer is, maybe. I intended it to just be a little piece of trivia for the backstory, but I may decide to include a "minute" subplot about it to go along with all the other subplots I got going on.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    Is this some sort of civil war? The king against the colonies? Has that already been said and I'm being stupid?
    ...that was on purpose, wasn't it?
    It's been hinted at before (remember the war posters from Chapter Three?), but never directly stated. I think.
    Eh, I say yes. Yes it was.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    Great. Yet another big headed, evil maniac.
    We'll see much more about him later....

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    What's with all the science? Planning to read this out in chemistry lessons? But really, why?
    Well, science is a major theme in this story. The prologue for instance was based off of a Portal 2 music video I saw. We'll see more of it later on. And the reason I chose that equation was because it's the one for the combustion of methane gas, and to hint that Leo is/was sort of smart.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    And the most useful addition at the end of a sentence goes to...
    I love writing anything with Nexus in it. She's such a lovable character.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    What, a big headed, evil maniac being vague? When has that ever happened?
    Again, we'll be seeing more later on.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    I really hope that you are actually make some sense out of this soon. I am going to take a random guess, that one of the members of that mystery team is the dewott, and the mysterious figure will appear as a mismagnus. Just seems that way to me.
    I hope so too. I neither confirm nor deny your guesses. Only time will tell if you're right.

    Quote Originally Posted by rangernumber-x View Post
    Overall, a great chapter. It's nice (if that's the word) to see a darker turn on PMD. Look forward to the next chapter. Bye!
    Heh, when I started this story, I never intended for it to be this dark. It just sort of took that path itself, and I love it.

    Glad you're looking forward to the next one. I'll try to have it up in a timely fashion, but school is ever the antagonist in my life. So, we'll see.

    Knightfall signing off ...

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    Kel? Please write back.
    We can only hope this letter reaches you.

    I’m- we’re sorry about everything. You have no idea what is like as a father being unable to do nothing but write letters knowing his daughter is alone somewhere in the world. I can’t possibly express how badly we miss you. Your mother cries every night believing it was her fault that you’re not with us.

    I’m sorry. I know you think we failed you as parents, and I think the same way. We were putting our own interests ahead of our only daughter and for that, I will never forgive myself, nor will your mother for that matter.

    We wish terribly that you were with us, but we can’t leave the Colonies. The Pokemon here need us, we must do our duty and lead them through this crisis. Though if the general would let us, we’d have you here at Latios speed. We try everyday to secure passage for you, but the war is making it difficult as you know.

    Kelly, we love you. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, even though you probably hate us now. For one and a half years, we’ve been away from you, and for an entire year and a half it’s broken our hearts to be so far away from the joy of our lives.

    I can only pray to Arceus that you are healthy and are happy with where you are. I am certain that you have grown into the strong Pokemon I’d always hoped you would become.
    I promise you we will be together again as a family. Even if we have to commit treason to do so, we will see you again. Please, Kelly, forgive us.

    Your loving parents.
    Hey! Character development! I was foolishly expecting Kelly and Jay to just basically be side character friends, but no...they have a history, too. Good job!

    She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t wrote back.
    *hadn't written.

    Tears welling in her eyes, she held the letter in her paw as the minute charge flowed up her forearm and into the letter. It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought she closed her eyes.
    This is kind of like the Magnemite thing from earlier. Jolteon is quadrupedal, so the idea of it HOLDING something in its hand seems weird to me. Like a cat holding a letter.

    As she slept, memories from two years ago resurfaced in the form of a nightmare.
    She was in her parent’s home, alone. They had been gone for a week now, but that was usual.
    This transition was, to me, a bit jarring and sudden. It wasn't as smooth and natural as the rest of your writing, and seemed like you just thought "Okay, I have to get into this dream, so here it is".

    She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.

    She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.
    I tend to get critiqued for using paragraphs that are too long, so take this with a grain of salt coming from me, but some of these Kelly backstory paragraphs are a little choppy with how they are broken up. Like the two I quoted here for example; they could have just been combined. The flow would work better (for me) that way. But, like I said, paragraph length is apparently not a strength of mine, so...

    She was happy, just as her parents hoped she would be and she didn’t need them.
    Comma before "and".

    He constantly went through all of the experiences he had ever since joining this Team Salient, and with each one, he grew more and more uncertain of his wellbeing.
    Not in love with this sentence. It's just...off to me. "constantly" reads as a long-term affliction. Maybe "continually" would be better. "Well-being" should be hyphenated. And maybe change the one part to "the experiences he'd had". You shouldn't use contractions in narration, but it reads better than "he had had".

    He was relieved that both Jay and Kelly shared his idea of not doing a job today, though the relief didn’t last long as his thoughts from the night before continued to plague him.
    Should be a comma after "last long". Didn't I once tell you not to comma before an "as"? Hm, well. It's a rule that can be broken. Put it this way, if you can change the "as" for "and/but/or" and the sentence still reads the same, you use the comma.

    Jay shot to his feet before she did, running to the Charmeleon and tried to grab onto his shoulder.
    Change "running" to "ran", and put a comma after "Charmeleon". Or you could put a comma after "Charmeleon" and a "he" before "tried".


    -Okay, ugh. I have to put a delay on this AGAIN. I'll -HOPEFULLY- finish it this weekend.

    EDIT: Trying to add some more here before I leave for family visitin'!


    Leo ran out of the yard as fast as he could, he had to get as far away from here as he could before something nearly killed him again. He sprinted onto the dirt pathway that lead into the woods, not quite sure were he was going, but he didn’t care.
    I feel like there could have been a better slow burn here; I might have missed it, but I wasn't getting the sense from Leo that he was getting more and more terrified of his circumstances. I mean, I knew he was a bit worried, but I wasn't getting a sense that anything like this would come over him. It seems to have come out of nowhere, this fear and dread to the point of running in terror.

    “So be it. Praestigiae!”
    That's either a Harry Potter spell or he just sneezed. Gesundheit!

    He looked around; dark, cracked concrete slabs walled him in on three sides, leaving only a single exit to the strange room. Groaning as he got to his feet, he held his tail out in front of him to light the dark passage.
    I like the realistic, well-imagined ways that Leo is using his tail for warmth and then fir light. You've clearly put thought into the ramifications of having a fire tail.

    Another rumble shook the building, slamming Leo into the hard wall. Stars danced in his vision as his head knocked against the concrete. Aside from his aching skull, he didn’t feel nearly the amount of pain he expected to feel.
    I'd cut off the last two words. Saying "feel" again is redundant, but you don't want to end in a preposition, either. Just end it with "expected".

    CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2O, he wasn’t sure what to make of the numbers and letters his brain had decided to show him, but he knew he was in for a bad time regardless.
    Son, I'm an old man. It's been a LONG time since I had a chemistry class.

    He had no chance to brace himself, or even utter a quick prayer to anyone who might be listening. There was only a loud “whoosh!” as the flames caught onto the gaseous fuel and combusted the entire cloud of methane.
    "Whoosh!" Heh. It's fun. But I would advice against using sound effects in narration. Just say, I dunno, "a loud burst of flames..." maybe.

    The small falling flakes of snow fizzling into steam as they encountered Leo’s tail.
    Again with the tail imagery. Nice!

    The human smiled as he casually walked up to Leo, his fingers upholstering a different, sinister device from his belt.
    This might be my favorite typo ever, and I DID get a good laugh out of the thought of someone upholstering a gun, but I think you meant UNholstering. But again, thanks for the image of a fabric gun.

    “One less freak in the world now,” the prison guard said smugly as he pulled the trigger and a blast of white light erupted from the end of the machine and traveled the few millimeters to Leo’s head.
    I think that bit about the white light traveling to Leo's head might be a bit too narrative and flowery. It doesn't really describe the scene to me other than make it seem like it's a really slow process.

    Wearily looking around, he saw that he was in a large, circular pit with a high stone sides, a dirt floor, and a strange white light shinning from above the entrance of the pit. After what seemed minutes of absolutely nothing happening accept the routine passage of time, the ground started vibrating.
    *EXCEPT, not accept.

    After being nearly incinerated, frozen, crushed, and shot, Leo realized he was getting somewhat jaded. He barely flinched as the center of the floor exploded in a shower of dirt and pebbles and a rather familiar, sentient blue tank crawled out of it.
    Heh. I can see this. It leads me to something I wanted to mention, but haven't found the time:

    I'm expecting that we'll see a buildup in Leo's character of defeat and hopelessness. After this whole thing that the Voice is putting him through, he's probably going to have a sense of utter defeat and inability to decide his own fate. That's a pretty damning thing to have to undergo, and I imagine it would just devastate the psyche of even the best of people. I mentioned that I didn't really buy Leo's apparently sudden DIRE FEAR of death and pain that led to his running from Kelly and Jay, but I know from your previous chapters that you are generally really good with characterization, so I'm just assuming we'll see a setting in of depression and defeat in Leo (pending how this chapter ends, I guess).

    “Oh, it’s you,” Nexus said quietly before letting out a primal, static-filled war cry and charged at Leo.
    Another tense disagreement: "charging" instead of "charged".

    -I'm getting there! I should be done soon at this rate. Hopefully.

    Hm, my router/cable connection seems to be on the fritz, so while I'm waiting for this to load and save, I'll write you a haiku:

    Leo in trouble;
    First flames, then ice, then gunshot.
    Hurry, Jay and Kel!


    Even if he could, he was unable to stop the one-sided beat down, as his muscles seemed to be paralyzed by some unknown force — probably shock. Unable to do anything else, he continued to scream while Nexus laughed as she splintered what remained of his left arm with a crushing blow.
    I would just say "beating" instead of "beatdown", which is a bit too colloquial in the narration for my taste.

    Leo wasn’t sure how he was watching this scene, but he could see them but the guards showed no signs of acknowledging his existence. The Golduck closed its eyes as the final cord was tightened; it looked like any chance of escape was extinguished.
    The first sentence is a hot mess. Needs more punctuation or something. Maybe"Leo was not sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards, but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence."

    The Golduck simply lowered his head, his will to prove himself innocent long since broken in the two days he had been in this prison. As if drawn by a morbid part of his brain, Leo couldn’t his turn his gaze away from the impending execution.
    I would add an "apparently" or something into the first sentence to make more consistent narration since Leo doesn't psychically KNOW that's what happened.

    “About damn time you stopped being to vague,” Jack growled.
    I don't like this flippant aggression from Jack when the rest of the scene shows a battered, desperate, worn-down pokemon. This really seems to fly in the face of every other line in this scene that establishes what all he's gone through.

    “Kyogre, Lugia, Suicune! Thank you! Thank y--!” The electricity hit him square in the chest. It coursed through his body, amplified by the metal cords. His agonized screams were drowned out as the scene blurred and another took its place.

    “I’m afraid …”

    A small, blue and white squirrel clung to a thin branch of a tree, an abyss stretched out beneath it. Unable to take the creature’s weight, the limb snapped, sending the Pachirisu downward.

    “… that your observation …”

    With those words, the world changed once again. A small, purple and cream colored cat was backed into a dark alley, several larger figures snarled as they surrounded her. Without warning the figures launched separate beams of ice, fire, and green energy at the cowering Pokemon. As they collided with her, the landscape dissolved and reformed again.

    “… has been …”

    Two figures, one small and one large, hugged each other as a loud, insane growl shook the ruined tower around them. They instantly became enveloped in a bright, white light as the world ended.

    “…terminated.”

    A battered Ninetales and equally worn brown fox skidded to a halt as the cliff-side path ended abruptly, leaving only an uninviting abyss beyond. It looked to the path behind it, a large mob of Pokemon blocked off their escape. Magnemites and a score of Pokemon Leo had never seen before all closed in on the fleeing duo. Suddenly, a streak of shadow rushed out and knocked the Ninetales off the side, where it hung on only by the efforts of its smaller companion.

    Without warning, the Magnemite fire off a volley of lightning, hitting the duo directly. The Ninetales’ companion couldn’t hold on and they both fell into the crevasse. Their screams are cut off by a dim flash of blue from within the gorge as the ground started vibrating.

    “Effective …”

    A white-furred Pokemon with a patch of red fur around its claws swiped at a large, black snake. The snake retaliated by swinging its razor-sharp tail at the Zangoose’s neck. It was a direct hit. The Zangoose fell to the ground clutching its neck as its life bled out of the wound.

    “… immediately.”

    An electric yellow mouse braced itself as a wall of water crashed down on top of it.

    A small, brown creature with a mask of bone on its head smashed its bone club onto its attacker, to no avail.

    A tiny blue, penguin slipped on the wet rock of the cave as its bloodthirsty pursuers caught up with it. Its screams of terror were amplified by the acoustics of the cave system.

    “Good luck in the afterlife, former candidates.”
    I liked this scene; I really did. It was very visual, and I could REALLY get a grasp if it working in several different forms of media (graphic novel, motion picture, etc). I am torn between thinking it might have dragged on a bit too much (When the Zebstrika started saying "Effective...", I thought, "Oh, he's still going, huh? I thought we were done here") and thinking that the sheer multitude of images Leo is getting should be a great way to go further into the desolation Leo should be feeling from here-out.

    “Wake up, Leo. Wake up, and face the consequences.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Wake up, Leo!” Jay’s voice shouted from above his unmoving form.
    Oh, the dream-scene-***-reality. It's a bit shticky, but it IS tried and true. [EDIT: Okay, the word that is censored there is cum, which is NOT actually a dirty word. Of course, people USE it that way, but the word, used as I did, means the combination of two things, and is pronounced "koom"]



    -Overall, I will admit to again being disappointed because the major impetus for this chapter--Leo's feeling of terror leading to his fleeing--was not, in my opinion, entirely buyable because I didn't have a great sense of that until, well, right when it happened. I would just watch for that going forward, and I mean that more as genuine surprise on my part than criticism: your pacing and characterization has generally been an absolute treat so far, so I was startled to see something like this that didn't feel so well tended to.

    The narrative in this chapter was a bit off to me, as well. Some things just seemed a little too flowery in some parts or underdeveloped in others. I get that you have school going on again now, so you might have had the attention to dedicate to perfecting it as you have in the past. No matter, I'm sure it will be back to the high standards you've set for yourself soon enough.

    On a second reading, I might like the Nexus scene more than I had initially. It DID do a good job of setting up the Leo-as-defeated establishment I talked about a few times, and the savage beating at her hands was pretty visceral, too.
    Last edited by Sid87; 23rd September 2012 at 9:46 AM.


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  21. #121
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    My review of Chapter 16 is nearing completion, I promise to have it up today.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Hey! Character development! I was foolishly expecting Kelly and Jay to just basically be side character friends, but no...they have a history, too. Good job!
    Yep, they both have histories. Just wait until you see what else I have planned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This is kind of like the Magnemite thing from earlier. Jolteon is quadrupedal, so the idea of it HOLDING something in its hand seems weird to me. Like a cat holding a letter.
    Eh, uh, look! A distraction!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This transition was, to me, a bit jarring and sudden. It wasn't as smooth and natural as the rest of your writing, and seemed like you just thought "Okay, I have to get into this dream, so here it is".
    I was kind of thinking the same thing when I wrote it. So now, hopefully that entire transition reads much better then how it used to.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I tend to get critiqued for using paragraphs that are too long, so take this with a grain of salt coming from me, but some of these Kelly backstory paragraphs are a little choppy with how they are broken up. Like the two I quoted here for example; they could have just been combined. The flow would work better (for me) that way. But, like I said, paragraph length is apparently not a strength of mine, so...
    Yeah, some of the formatting was off in this chapter. I fixed most of it, I think.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Not in love with this sentence. It's just...off to me. "constantly" reads as a long-term affliction. Maybe "continually" would be better. "Well-being" should be hyphenated. And maybe change the one part to "the experiences he'd had". You shouldn't use contractions in narration, but it reads better than "he had had".

    ~~~~
    Should be a comma after "last long". Didn't I once tell you not to comma before an "as"? Hm, well. It's a rule that can be broken. Put it this way, if you can change the "as" for "and/but/or" and the sentence still reads the same, you use the comma.
    Alright, I fixed the top sentence and the comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I feel like there could have been a better slow burn here; I might have missed it, but I wasn't getting the sense from Leo that he was getting more and more terrified of his circumstances. I mean, I knew he was a bit worried, but I wasn't getting a sense that anything like this would come over him. It seems to have come out of nowhere, this fear and dread to the point of running in terror.
    Well, he is somewhat mentally unstable....
    But you're right, I could have handled that scene better. I added some sentences that hopefully convey the build-up towards him fleeing slightly better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    That's either a Harry Potter spell or he just sneezed. Gesundheit!
    Well, it's supposed to be Latin for "illusion", but it does seem odd I'll give you that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I like the realistic, well-imagined ways that Leo is using his tail for warmth and then fir light. You've clearly put thought into the ramifications of having a fire tail.
    Thanks, that's one thing I've always tried to include whenever I could.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Son, I'm an old man. It's been a LONG time since I had a chemistry class.
    Heh, it's the equation for the combustion of methane.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    "Whoosh!" Heh. It's fun. But I would advice against using sound effects in narration. Just say, I dunno, "a loud burst of flames..." maybe.
    Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This might be my favorite typo ever, and I DID get a good laugh out of the thought of someone upholstering a gun, but I think you meant UNholstering. But again, thanks for the image of a fabric gun.
    Damn, that was stupid of me. What was I thinking?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I think that bit about the white light traveling to Leo's head might be a bit too narrative and flowery. It doesn't really describe the scene to me other than make it seem like it's a really slow process.
    Now that I look at it, you're right. It does seem too flowery. I fixed that sentence so it reads smoother now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Heh. I can see this. It leads me to something I wanted to mention, but haven't found the time:

    I'm expecting that we'll see a buildup in Leo's character of defeat and hopelessness. After this whole thing that the Voice is putting him through, he's probably going to have a sense of utter defeat and inability to decide his own fate. That's a pretty damning thing to have to undergo, and I imagine it would just devastate the psyche of even the best of people. I mentioned that I didn't really buy Leo's apparently sudden DIRE FEAR of death and pain that led to his running from Kelly and Jay, but I know from your previous chapters that you are generally really good with characterization, so I'm just assuming we'll see a setting in of depression and defeat in Leo (pending how this chapter ends, I guess).
    Trust me, we'll see all the defeat and hopelessness over the next few chapters, along with some added mental instability and tension for good measure.
    As I said before, I also felt like that scene wasn't handled well enough and I tried to fix it as best I could.
    And you have to remember, we're talking a slightly insane character, he's not going to be thinking rationally. The memories his mind is showing him is enough to trigger his flight or fight responce.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Hm, my router/cable connection seems to be on the fritz, so while I'm waiting for this to load and save, I'll write you a haiku:

    Leo in trouble;
    First flames, then ice, then gunshot.
    Hurry, Jay and Kel!
    Thanks. That summerizes his ordeal in this chapter pretty well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The first sentence is a hot mess. Needs more punctuation or something. Maybe"Leo was not sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards, but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence."
    Fixed.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I liked this scene; I really did. It was very visual, and I could REALLY get a grasp if it working in several different forms of media (graphic novel, motion picture, etc). I am torn between thinking it might have dragged on a bit too much (When the Zebstrika started saying "Effective...", I thought, "Oh, he's still going, huh? I thought we were done here") and thinking that the sheer multitude of images Leo is getting should be a great way to go further into the desolation Leo should be feeling from here-out.
    Thanks, I really liked writing that scene. The Mismagius is such a great character to write as he's so dang mysterious. Though it seems that this scene is this chapter's only saving grace.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    -Overall, I will admit to again being disappointed because the major impetus for this chapter--Leo's feeling of terror leading to his fleeing--was not, in my opinion, entirely buyable because I didn't have a great sense of that until, well, right when it happened. I would just watch for that going forward, and I mean that more as genuine surprise on my part than criticism: your pacing and characterization has generally been an absolute treat so far, so I was startled to see something like this that didn't feel so well tended to.

    The narrative in this chapter was a bit off to me, as well. Some things just seemed a little too flowery in some parts or underdeveloped in others. I get that you have school going on again now, so you might have had the attention to dedicate to perfecting it as you have in the past. No matter, I'm sure it will be back to the high standards you've set for yourself soon enough.

    On a second reading, I might like the Nexus scene more than I had initially. It DID do a good job of setting up the Leo-as-defeated establishment I talked about a few times, and the savage beating at her hands was pretty visceral, too.
    I agree, this chapter was sort of a mess. I didn't have the time to allow myself to correct what should have been obvious mistakes. (Upholstering, my goodness)
    I think I've said before that Leo's desicion to leave wasn't handled properly, but I've tried to fix it.

    I will be back to my usual standards, don't you worry. Why do you think my newest chapter is taking so long? Quality over quantity, right?

    Thanks, Nexus is also a fun character to write out. Such a lovely personality.

    Again, thanks for everything, my chapters would be a mess without your advice.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 23rd September 2012 at 3:44 PM.

  22. #122
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    Chapter Seven: Interlude



    “During the chaos following the Falling Star Incident thirty years ago, the Colonies were in complete anarchy. After two decades of failed missions, Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of the newly-crowned King Nickolas made a solo quest to help. During her stay in the Colonies, a member of a revolutionary group, was able to kill her and himself with several Blast Seeds. Stricken with crushing grief, Nickolas was declared unfit to rule and a Senate was created. Immediately, this Senate levied a crushing tax on the province and all but destroyed their meager rights. It was no surprise that following the brief period of disorder after the Restoration of Time two years ago that the Colonies seceded from the Kingdom.”

    —Excerpt from the Chronicles of King Nickolas Lucario, as recorded by Scizor of the Rescue Team Federation




    “I already told you: I’m closed,” Aleck growled as he dumped the day’s meager earnings into a small cloth bag. The Pokemon on the other side of the counter was not to be denied however, even as Aleck systematically swiped each item off the counter and into a chest on the ground.

    “I do not require your worthless supplies. Aleck, it is time. Your services are needed,” the Pokemon said, trying to hold the shopkeeper’s attention. Its wings buzzed quickly in irritation.

    “T-Time? ... How do I know you are truthful, Scyther?” the Sableye whispered as the other Pokemon calmly spoke over him.

    “... I come to you in a time of need, but I do not come on my knees,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe in a short, specific series of knocks.

    Aleck nearly dropped his sack of Bronze Poke. He stared at the Scyther and smiled, recognition flashing in his crystal eyes.

    “Greetings, good friend. Long have I waited to serve. I’m listening,” the Sableye said eagerly while trying to maintain a whisper.

    “Indeed. Just do as the instructions say,” the Scyther said, casually sharpening his right scythe on his diamond-like carapace armor. After making sure they were truly alone on the street, the mantis reached down and carefully slid a folded paper onto the counter.

    The imp-like shopkeeper cautiously took the browned scrap in his claws and unfolded it to examine the contents. "You want me to damn a few Pokemon? That's quite harsh. There are children on this list, you see that, yes?" Aleck slowly replied, tapping the sheet with his curved claws. The Scyther stopped him before he could continue with a gentle tap with the broad side of his scythe.

    “They are dangerous to our cause and must be eliminated by properly to avoid suspicion. We have our 'mon in place as the paper says. Just be sure to give this parcel to him immediately,” the Scyther reassured Aleck as he used his scythes to carefully place down a folded set of papers tied with Caterpie silk.

    “Very well then. It will be done,” Aleck confirmed and reached toward the knot on the papers. The stranger swung a scythe down onto the counter, missing the Sableye’s curious claws by millimeters.

    “You are not to open it. You are to deliver it to our ally and then leave. Nothing more, nothing less. Understood?” the Scyther growled coldly while slowly removing his embedded blade from the wooden counter with a loud crack.

    "Of course, Sir. For the Colonies."




    “ZT! No. This can’t be! BZT!” Gear exclaimed as his crimson optics scanned over the printed text for the fifth time.
    He glanced over to his head deputy; the sentient amalgamation of three Magnemites had already read through the context of the report and was awaiting his superior’s orders.

    “Sir? Do I muster the squads? ZT!” the Magneton asked, idly spinning his magnets as Gear slowly rechecked the parchment for any possible sign of error or misprint.

    “No. Stay put, Axis. You will do nothing until I give the order. Got it? ZT!” Gear snapped as he started hovering in circles around the room in worry.

    “B-but, sir? That report. ZT! I-it’s from the Inner Council! BZT! We can’t ignore an order from them! They’ll deactivate us for dereliction of duty! ZBT!” the deputy screeched as his leader stopped his midair pacing.

    “I don’t care what the report says, Axis! ZTT! They are all wrong this time! I won’t do it! BZT!” Gear screeched, his speech processors straining as they struggled to vocalize the officer’s emotions.

    “Is that so, Gear?” a voice, a bitter mixture of royal dignity, arrogance, and subtle charm sounded from behind the Magnezone. Gear turned around in a circle to face the unauthorized intruder.

    A large falcon stood in the doorway, gold glinted off his entire covering of metal feathers. He slowly walked into the room, as if reluctant to step on “common” ground. An honor guard made up of five Magnemites silently orbited around him, ready to strike at a moment’s notice.

    “Richelieu, it’s been a while hasn’t it?” Gear growled, the static buzz foregone in his hatred.
    The Skarmory chuckled as he strutted across Gear’s office.

    “It’s ‘Governor’ now, actually. Governor Richelieu, it just rolls off the tongue, or rather, the speech processor, does it not? I was appointed by the king just last week,” he corrected as he eyed Gear disapprovingly.

    “I don’t care if it’s ‘Lord’, ‘Governor’ or ‘Janitor’. I do, however, want to know why you’re gracing me with your presence,” Gear grunted as the Skarmory smirked.

    “Now, now, Gear. There is no need for such harsh vocabulary. My business in this backwater village does not require your authorization; I am here on assignment from the Inner Council. If you really must know, it was all because of a small incident you had in the Western Quarter. I believe you know what I am talking about,” the golden bird said as he slowly walked over the Gear’s desk, the bodyguards repelling the chief officer a safe distance away from the governor.

    “ZT! We were able to contain the incident before it grew out of control, if you remember correctly. BZ!” Gear stated as the bird faced him once again.

    “That may be, but it does not change the fact that Colonial terrorists were able to enter your city unnoticed by you or your forces. I’m simply here on behalf of the Kingdom to ensure you are up to the task of protecting it,” Richelieu replied, lowering his neck to stare at the Magnezone.

    Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory, “We might be even more capable if your Council stopped sending us lists of potential traitors that we have to arrest. Jack, Rhone, Flare, Clip … they were on your lists for no good reason! ZT! Yet we arrested them without giving them a chance to explain the accusations brought against them! BZZT! And your most recent list; those Pokemon are all innocent! ZT!” Gear buzzed, directing the governor’s attention to the piece of parchment on the desk.
    Richelieu gently pierced the report on the desk with the tip of his steel wing and held it up to his eyes as to read it.

    “I do not make the lists Gear, and the ones that are charged with that responsibility put the names you see on it for a good reason. These individuals have obviously been acting against the wishes of the monarchy, so it is your job to capture them for further questioning,” he said, shaking the paper off his wing as if it was a vile substance.

    “ZT! Well, I refuse to do so! The list is flawed; the Pokemon on it are innocent,” Gear stated as all three of his magnets whirled around erratically.

    The Skarmory slowly turned to face the chief officer. His eyes glinting with a spark of fury at the officer’s words.

    “You … Are you saying you’re disobeying a royal order?” Richelieu asked incredulously, his honor guards buzzing to themselves frantically. Axis backed away from Gear and the governor, bracing himself for the worst.

    “Yes. Yes, I am. ZT!” Gear said, hovering so that his red center optic aligned with the Skarmory’s yellow ones.

    “Did you forget your place, Gear? You and every single other Magne-class unit were built to serve the Kingdom; that is your only purpose! I’m going to give you five milliseconds to rescind your previous statement or else I will assure your immediate deactivation,” Richelieu said, jabbing the tip of his wing at Gear’s metal front.

    “ZT! I am a Pokemon sworn to protect the citizens of Loyalty Square, nothing more, nothing less. I am not some ‘machine’ under the control of the Kingdom, and I will not be treated as such, even by you, Governor. ZT! I will do what it takes to ensure that my citizens’ liberties are not compromised by anyone, much less the discolored, sniveling bureaucrat that is currently polluting my town with his presence. ZT!”
    Richelieu recoiled instantly as if the officer’s words were hot steam.

    “And I am Governor of the Between lands, and as such I am enacting Executive Order Forty-Seven. Guards, dispose of this defective automaton,” the riled governor squawked as he retreated a safe distance from the inevitable fight.

    The five guards suddenly halted their protective orbit around the Skarmory and advanced toward Gear, their magnets sparking with electricity.
    Gear backed away from the guards, analyzing his combatants while also readying an attack of his own. Axis let out a screech in terror and fled to the side of the room nearest the door as the fight commenced.

    The Magnezone let out the first shot, a concussion of supersonic air that tore a magnet off one of the guards. Before the others had time to retaliate, he sent duel bolts of electricity into their pack, scattering the units as they swerved to dodge the attack.

    Static accompanied the many curses and swears that bounced off the stone walls of the office chamber as Gear turned in a complete circle, firing off quick bursts of electricity from all three of his magnets, keeping the assailants at bay.

    “Destroy him! The Kingdom cannot have such abominations within it’s work forc—Ah!” Richelieu screeched as Gear shot a bolt of plasma at him. The bird ducked to the side as the attack burned its way into the stone.

    That attack cost Gear as one of the Magnemite managed to land a shot on his auxiliary eye causing his vision to fizzle slightly before stabilizing. The Magnemites charged Gear, their magnets attaching to the Magnezone’s body.

    Before he could repulse, them they let loose bursts of electricity that coursed through the officer’s body. Gear swerved wildly in agony, slamming his body into the walls in an attempt to scrape off the Magnemite.
    One of the guards let out a garbled scream shortly before he was violently crushed against the wall, his core exploding in a burst of electricity and wiring.

    After seeing their comrade destroyed inches from their eyes, the other guards instinctively let up on their assault and retreated. Gear hovered low in the air, heavy static “breathing” emanating from his speakers as he tried to recover from the near short circuit.

    The guards quickly regrouped and charged Gear once again. However, this time the battered officer was anticipating such a move. He aimed his magnets at the four remaining guards, and blasted them into the wall with an opposite magnetic charge.

    “ZT! You can’t ZT! beat me ZT! Rich. ZT! I will not let you destroy my town! BZZZT!” Gear shouted, as the Magnemite slowly raised themselves up off the ground.

    Not giving them a chance to recover, Gear fired another round of energy at the units. The electricity quickly arced through the air like lightning and impacted the group of guards. It was all that was needed to put them out of commission. The increased voltage caused their center cores to smoke and explode.

    “ZZZT! My eye! My ZBZBZBT! eye! SZSZZS!” one guard, the only one still alive from the squad, screeched as he whirled around in the air in agony. Fire and smoke hissing from his destroyed center. Fortunately, his suffering was short-lived as his core detonated
    with a flash of fire. Small bits of metal shell scattered throughout the office.

    His enemies eliminated, Gear rested his chassis near to the ground as he tried to recover his lost energy. His central eye almost shuttered as his systems went into power-saving mode. His rest was interrupted by the grating sound of iron scratching on iron. His gaze wearily looked up at Richelieu, who was slowly clapping his wings together.

    “I’m impressed Gear, you managed to hold your own against my most incompetent set of guards. However, there is still the issue of your deactivation that needs to be dealt with; insubordination will not be tolerated,” he said as he walked a wide circle around the injured officer, kicking aside the shattered remains of his honor guard as he went.

    “Now listen closely Gear, if you can. I can call my seven other units waiting in the hallway in here, and I think you will know how that will end, Gear. I’m not going to be dance around the issue here, either you accept that I am in control here now, or else I will have you killed. What’s your choice, Gear?” the Skarmory asked, his ultimatum working its way through Gear’s damaged core.

    “Bzttzt … Errrt … Hzzrt … ZT!” he groaned in response, his voice distorted by his destroyed speakers.

    “Erm, what was that, Gear?” Richelieu asked, leaning towards the nearly broken unit.

    Gear struggled to reply. After a series of loud static noises, he finally aligned his speakers.
    “BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.

    Richelieu’s squawk of surprise was cut short as he was tackled by the equivalent of an enraged Aggron. His golden outer wings crumpled as he was crushed against the stone.
    Gear let loose a quick burst of electricity from his exposed circuits, jolting the governor as he struggled to break free.

    “SHHZ! Never. Threaten. My. Town. ZT! Again! DZT!” Gear stated, his mechanical breath heavy with static and exhaustion. Just then, the twin wooden doors that separated the office from the main prison burst open as no less then twelve Magnemites rushed into the chamber, knocking Axis aside as they surrounded Gear and the governor. Some where under Richelieu’s employment while others still pledged a grudging loyalty to Gear.

    “S-see? He’s clearly corrupt! He’s trying to kill me!” the metal falcon screamed, feigning innocence, as Gear tried to pin him harder against the wall.

    “ZT! He’s tryiNG to KILl inNOcent PoKEMon! BBRZT!” Gear grunted as his processors’ volume controls failed completely.
    The horde of hovering Magnemite silently watched the exchange as the two struggled to sway them to their cause.

    “Don’t let him kill me. Please, I-I don’t want to die!” Richelieu squawked pitifully as Gear sent another jolt of electricity through the bird.

    “I can promote you all! Any position in the force! It’s yours! Pay raise included!” the governor bargained as Gear slowly upped the voltage.

    That offer did it for the guard corp. Gear’s optic widened with horror as one unit after another let out a yell and tackled the officer, trying to pull him off the Skarmory with their magnets. They all piled on their former chief officer, eventually pealing him off Richelieu.

    As soon as the governor crawled to safety, the swarm started attacking Gear. Ripping off his metal armor and frying his inner wiring around his core.

    Gear nearly blacked out, his core overwhelmed by the amount of surging electricity coursing through it. Just as his systems nearly failed him, he found the strength to charge up a magnetic pulse blast.

    Like before, the guards were forced off Gear’s chassis. However, they recovered and slowly circled around the barely levitating Magnezone. Gear scanned the situation: he’d lost control of his units, Axis, displaying his loyalty as always, was shaking in fear in the corner, and Richelieu wanted him deactivated all because he had refused to obey yet another falsified kill list. Overall, the scenario didn’t look good.

    Richelieu had been right; there was only one way he was getting out of here: his core ripped out and destroyed. He could not calculate another alternative, if he somehow managed to win this battle, more Magnemites would pour in from the depths of the prison to dispose of him.

    He knew how it was going to end for him, but he would end it on his terms.
    With a buzzing sigh of acceptance, he closed his center optic as he concentrated what little energy remained in his power cells into his slowly spinning magnets.

    Time seemed to grow slow as sparks danced around the three appendages, rapidly building up a charge. The rebellious units only just now seemed to realize what their former commander was doing, and it was too late for them to change course.

    With a pained screech, Gear’s magnets became orbs of white-hot light, as they lit up with electricity . Richelieu’s yellow eyes widened for a split second as he scrambled along the floor with his crumpled wings, hiding behind the cowering Magneton.

    “BBBZZTTTGGRRHHZZZTT!!!!” Gear screeched as his optic flared a bright red; streams of code flashed before his eye as the built up electricity made his body the equivalent of an exploding star.

    “ZT! H-He’s Discharging!!! VT!” one of the units screamed as Gear’s body exploded in an almighty wave of pure electricity. The supersonic energy electrified the swarm of Magnemites surrounding the officer.

    The arcing voltage ripped apart the mob of Magnemite that were within close proximity to Gear. Their piercing screeches were forever silenced as one by one their cores exploded in a blast of fire and sparks. Shrapnel whizzed through the air and embedded itself in the stone walls with as if they were clay.

    The smoke had not yet cleared when a metal-plated avian head popped up from behind the shuddering Magneton deputy. His eyes started watering as the acrid smell of smoldering wiring assaulted his nose. Unscathed from Gear’s attack, courtesy of Axis, Richelieu got to his feet and dusted his wings off.

    He glanced around the destroyed room taking in the full extent of Gear’s attack. Every inch of the stone walls were either filled with black scorches or pocket marks from the plasma volleys. The ceiling rafters were cracked and looked ready to collapse. The handsome, wooden desk was aflame and in ruins.

    Pity, it was truly an excellent piece of craftsmanship, the Skarmory thought as he walked out from behind a slowly recovering Axis. Richelieu strode into the center of the room, kicking aside the sizzling remains of the guards who saved his life as if they were nothing.

    He heard the commotion of the legion of other units from down the hallway; they would be here soon enough and he would have to explain exactly what happened here to them all.

    He approached Gear’s ruined chassis cautiously. After examining Gear’s burnt metal body he let out a snort.
    “Funny how all fairy tales of rebellions succeeding are just that,” he said with a mirthful chuckle.

    Suddenly, Gear’s body let out a spark, followed by several wires arcing with electricity as Gear’s cracked center eye slowly lit up once more. Gear’s processor was reeling; against his calculations, he had somehow survived the suicidal attack.

    “Ahh, decided to join us once again in the realm of the living, I see. You are one tough Pokemon, I will give you that,” Richelieu said as he slowly walked right in front of Gear’s eye. Gear didn’t even have the energy to respond if he wanted to, but he wasn’t going to give the bird the satisfaction of begging for his life.

    “I’m sorry it has to end like this, Gear. All you had to do was obey your superior’s order, but you refused. This is your reward, I suppose. I pray your forgiveness,” the governor stated as he lifted one of his talons and gripped the sides of Gear’s center optic, cracking it even more.

    The Skarmory pulled on the eye, ignoring Gear’s weak screeches of protest. To Gear it felt as if his brain was being ripped from his head. The fallen officer let all pretenses of dignity behind as his buzzes of pain swiftly turned into screeches of agony.

    Richelieu flapped his metal wings as his talon crunched down on the optic and tugged harder on it, exposing bits of internal circuitry. Gear scanned around for anything that could save him, but there was nothing. His power was completely gone, Axis was shaking in a corner, and his units had turned against him. He was utterly defeated.

    With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires. The governor turned the officer’s core over in his talon, and gave a satisfied huff before tossing it away dismissively. The metal cylinder clattered on the floor, before rolling to a stop before Axis’s hovering form.
    As soon as the deputy saw his former commander’s core, he came out of the state of horrified shock he was in.

    “W-what have ZT! you done!” Axis squeaked. His magnets discharging small sparks as he hovered in front of the Skarmory.

    The golden bird pushed him aside. “Gear proved to be incompetent and failed to perform his basic duties as a unit of the Kingdom. I used my authority as governor to dispose of him as commander and take complete control of Loyalty’s security to ensure stability in my province.”

    Richelieu narrowed his piercing, yellow eyes at Axis. “Transmit that message to every Magnemite within range. And as soon as you are finished with that, I want you to muster the hunting squads. It is my understanding that we have traitors in our midst that must be dealt with.”

    The Magneton buzzed in discomfort as he turned his side magnets up in an affirming salute. Pleased with the display of loyalty, Richelieu strutted out of the ruined office and into the assembly areas of the prison leaving Axis alone.

    “H-have to ZT! f-follow orders. Follow ZT! orders …”




    If Leo hadn’t collapsed on his shoulder as soon as they started to head back, Jay knew he would have put the Charmeleon under a military tribunal. Frustrated with the fact that he had to carry his wayward team member over two miles through the forest, Jay tried his best to make sure Leo knew his displeasure with a new insult every step he took.

    Leo, however, never seemed to notice the Riolu’s anger with him as he drifted in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, he only seemed able to mutter a few disjointed phrases before slipping back into whatever fever dream his was stuck inside of.

    Jay began to grow a little concerned when Leo started mumbling about “… not the first…” and other nonsense. If that wasn’t blatantly foreshadowing a bad future, Jay didn’t know what was. With a grunt Jay shifted his partner higher on his shoulders and continued his trek.

    The hike through the woods shouldn’t have taken any longer then half an hour, but due to Kelly’s desire to check on Leo every few minutes, it ended up taking much more time to complete. So when they finally entered their base, Jay roughly plopped Leo down against the wall and went to find something to wake him up.

    “Jay, if you hit him with that, I swear to Raikou I will zap you into next year!” Kelly snapped as Jay slowly lowered the Cleanse Orb clutched in his paw.
    It wasn’t enough that he and Kelly had basically gotten the base for free, it had been fully stocked with several crates of expensive Orbs of all sorts. Luck had somehow favored them that day, possibly trying to make up for the hardship they both suffered before.

    “Don’t worry. I wasn’t going to hit ...” Jay said before trailing off as he felt the temperature of the room drop dramatically. His breath turned to mist as he quickly glanced around for the source of the cold, but found nothing out of place in their home.

    “Did Kyurem drop by for a visit?” he asked with a feeble chuckle. He waited a few seconds for Kelly to respond with a standard groan or something of the sort, but when none came, he turned around to her. She was looking at him with an agitated glare, but she did not move.
    It was as if time had decided to pause around everything but him.

    “What…?” Jay asked, cautiously waving a paw in front of her face. Nothing. Not even a blink to indicate she was still aware of anything. As confused as any normal Pokemon would be in this circumstance, he ran through the door of the base and looked at the surrounding area.

    Oak and pine trees stood frozen mid-sway, a distant flock of Pidove were locked in their migratory “V” formation, and leaves were paused in the air as the now dead wind blew them across the ground. The entire world, it seemed, had stopped. Except for him.
    Bewildered, he returned inside and looked toward Leo and Kelly.

    The Charmeleon was still slumped against the wall, stuck in the unconscious state he had been in previously. Taking a timid step closer to his teammate, he saw that not even his shallow heartbeat was still going.
    What the heck going on here? Jay wondered as he forced himself not to start panicking. It was then he heard a voice he hadn’t expected to hear again in his life.

    ”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.

    The dim light of the Luminous Orb shards was completely covered up. The only source of light being the gleam of a pair of golden eyes. Jay involuntarily shivered from the increased chill as Kelly and Leo disappeared from his view.

    “Y-you! Why are you here?!” Jay shouted into the wall of shadow, his voice seemed like it was confined to his mind, like it wasn’t making any audible noise. The voice gave a slight chuckle as the eyes faded, but the voice began to resonate from all around the Riolu.

    “You are not pleased to see me after so long? I was merely being polite when we first conversed. I thought you might want to speak with the one who saved your life … Well, whether you want to or not, I believe it is time for a little ‘heart to heart’ concerning recent events, ” the voice said, taking a hurt tone as Jay stamped the ground with his foot.

    “Saved me?! I don’t think so. I was doing fine until you showed up,” Jay retorted as the voice let out a roar of shrill laughter. Jay was forced to cover his ears as he waited for the voice to regain its composure.

    “I … hehe… I am sorry for that. Truly. It is very unprofessional of someone as high caliber as myself. However, I do recall that imperial soldiers were very close to catching you. If I hadn’t decided to intervene, you would have almost certainly have been incarcerated for your crimes,” the voice pointed out casually, causing Jay to growl in anger.

    “Hmph! So what? What does that have to do with anything?” Jay asked as the temperature dropped another few degrees.

    “I believe that the price of your preservation is enough reason to listen. You still owe a debt to me for your own survival for … plucking you from the midst of the chaos in Silver that day,” the voice responded, a hint of frustration breaking through its calm manner.


    “You’re the one who got me out?” Jay asked in a mixture of confusion and awe.

    “If you’d simply allow me time to speak, your questions will be answered ... more or less.”

    “What did you have to do with that day? Based on your answer, I may have no choice but to hurt you,” Jay threatened as the voice chuckled again.

    “Such a temper, you really should work on that. That day when I saw your … predicament ... well, I could not simply let fate take its course. It wasn’t your fault, I firmly believe that. Nevertheless, history cannot be easily reversed. The status quo can never be again,” the voice explained. Jay remained silent after this, which the voice took as a cue to continue.

    “I saw potential in you, Jay, much like your friend. You and he share tenacity, even when the odds appear to be overwhelming. It was that trait that I foresaw a good use for in these troubled times.”

    “……Leo? What do you have to do with him?” Jay asked softly as the voice all too gladly responded.

    “When I found him, he was on the verge of starvation in the Fields, how he got there even I do not know. However, I saw that he could be useful if he was guided in the right direction. Using my abilities, I altered the nature of the dungeon and allowed him to escape … right where you and the Jolteon were patrolling for minimum wage.”

    “You …You did that?

    “Indeed. And now I must alter the topic of our discussion ever so slightly. If I may be so bold as to ask you a simple question?

    “… fine. What do you want?” Jay growled as he grudgingly allowed the enigma to explain itself.

    “From what I’ve observed over the past few hours, you have been … troubled by your teammate’s actions as of late, yes? His mental state, as it were, correct?” the being inquired, its voice softly echoing off the dark walls of wherever “here” was.

    “Not so much troubled as annoyed …Wait? What would you know about that? We haven’t told anyone about that. What does Leo have to do with you?” Jay asked suspiciously as the darkness rippled violently. Jay clutched the Cleanse Orb even more tightly, threatening to accidentally activate the sensitive crystal.

    “Well, you can say that Leo and I have had a … rocky business relationship. He is one of the many focal points of my observation, but regrettably, in his case, direct intervention has been required on multiple occasions to ensure that plans continue as they were. He has been somewhat … resistant of the changes I suggested. So I, in an act of desperation, imposed them without his consent and guided him through the changes more or less successfully,” the darkness responded, the business-like nature it had originally reappearing.

    “Wait. So you’re the reason why he’s like this? Paranoid, angry, and insane? It’s your fault?!” Jay exclaimed, as the mist let out a low chuckle.

    “You allot me too much credit in your partner’s mental downfall, Jay. I tried to prevent his imminent demise. An endeavor that was successful,” the being with the golden eyes retorted, staring at Jay once more from within the mist. Jay didn’t talk back, his thoughts were running wild with this revelation about his teammate.
    This is why Leo is this way. This creepy son of---

    “Manners, Jay. Civilized Pokemon have no use for language of that caliber,” the creature scolded Jay’s thoughts. Jay scowled at the eyes.

    “If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.

    “Never mind that. Why are you here? I think you’ve said all that you’ve needed to say,” Jay said, changing the course of their conversation.

    “Ah, yes. My reason for troubling your mortal mind with my higher plane of existence. I am here to make sure that you stay well out of my affairs. That includes your plans for ‘interviewing’ Leo. He is under my influence, and I do not need you interfering more than what is absolutely necessary,” the being ordered, its tone hardening almost immediately.

    “What are you talking about?!” Jay asked. Without an answer from the voice, the dark mist began retreating and Jay suddenly dropped to his knees as his mind was violently released from the creature’s control.

    Jay’s world began to tilt and swim. The dark walls of his vision disintegrated into the vague shapes of the center room of the base. Colors blurred as his hallucination collapsed and reality returned with a fresh wave of nausea.
    Retching on the floor, his vision slowly pieced itself back together.

    “Remember, the sacrifice of a few is required for the good of everyone.”

    “Jay?! Talk to me! What’s wrong?!” Kelly asked, standing right above the Riolu with an Oran Berry in her paw. Groaning in pain, Jay snatched the berry out of her paw without even looking at her. Another round of coughing hit him as his head finally cleared enough for him to actually see the room.

    There was no sign of the temperature drop he experienced earlier, or of everything suddenly freezing. It was as if it had never happened. Cautiously getting to his feet, he glanced around the base. Leo was still on the floor passed out, Kelly was waiting his response, and everything else seemed exactly the same as it had been.

    “W-we’re not. Not going to –!” Jay began to say before doubling over as a spark of pain arced through his head once more.

    “Jay!” Kelly yelped as she ran up to her partner, her mind pulling up various treatment options, or Pokemon nearby that could help. When she put a paw on his arm Jay roughly pushed it away with a grunt.

    “I’m fine! J-just no. No more. We leave him alone,” Jay struggled to say as he weakly pointed a paw at the unconscious Leo.

    “Wait! We need to find out —” Jay abruptly cut her off, pressing his paws against his temples.
    “No! Don’t ask him anything! Nothing!”

    Kelly stood there in disbelief as Jay slowly regained his composure. “What happened to you?”

    “I-I’m fine… Sorry, just … please. Don’t ask anything right now. Let’s just get some sleep, please.”



    “This is no accident, no coincidence, no way this can be: someone knows our trade secrets. They are trying to move Phase Two along ahead of schedule. This individual will ruin it all. This cannot happen. This will not happen. I refuse to allow it …”



    Kelly drifted along the edge of an uneasy sleep, her head trying to make some sort of sense of what had happened to both Leo and Jay. Leo was her primary concern as whatever was troubling him was going to kill him eventually, but Jay’s sudden shift from wanting to tear Leo apart for information to insisting on leaving him alone was far too weird to be a coincidence.

    As she drifted along her troubled rest, she was unaware of the trace amounts of darkened mist slowly congregating around her. Her nose twitched slightly as the most closed in on her head. A low ramble of strange words in a language she never knew existed was all she heard before the voice made its presence known and the nightmare embraced her fully.

    “Introductions are never my strong point, so I will skip those formal pleasantries as this is no occasion to stand on ceremony.” The Electric Type’s body twitched in her sleep as the voice continued its soft speech.

    “I come with two urgent messages that you might find being worth listening to. The first being that you must not worry about your teammates. Though their actions may seem self-destructive, I assure you, they are in good hands.”
    Kelly wasn’t aware of the voice, but she subconsciously picked up every word it said.

    “Your memory will not retain this part of the conversation, but I am guiding them both on path that will lead to relative salvation. I understand your desire to protect them since they are the closest thing you have to a family, but interfering in my business operation would cause more harm than good.” The voice went silent for a few minutes as it browsed through her memories and experiences as if they were a card catalogue.

    “You were selectively chosen to fulfill this role, but if your curiosity gets the better of you, it will kill you much like the figurative cat. I will not allow the mercy of being both alive and dead; I will ensure that you die. So, please, for your own safety, remain out of my dealings with Leo.”
    The voice paused, as if it was trying to recall if there was anything else on its agenda.

    “Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.”

    With that final phrase, the dark mist over her mind evaporated instantly. Her eyes shot open as she gasped for air. She looked quickly around her room for the source of the haunting voice she vaguely remembered hearing in her nightmare.

    As she struggled to remember what the voice had mentioned she heard a noise that was far worse than what that voice had put her through. Her eyes widened as the faint grating sound of whirring machinery penetrated the air.

    “So wake up, my dear. Wake up, and flee the corruption.”



    End Chapter Seven




    Author’s Notes:

    It’s been a while since my last update, hasn’t it? While I did say school would hamper my efforts to write, I kinda let my free time go to other things.
    I promise that the next one won’t be as long of a wait.

    Onto the chapter itself. This chapter proved to be strange to me as I wanted to incorporate some necessary backstory, some character-building, and also a good transition to the next big arc of the story.

    I think I was able to pull it off reasonably enough, but I want your opinions on it.
    As usual, I encourage silent or new readers to make themselves known. Every post helps, honestly.

    Well, that’s about all I have to say. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and thanks again to my brilliant beta reader, and my friends on this site.

    Knightfall signing off…
    Last edited by Knightfall; 20th July 2014 at 2:28 PM.

  23. #123
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    That poor Gear, apparently I was right and he was too soft and unfit for command, General Magnus would love to take his postion.

    Found a couple of errors bu I VM'ed them to you, so, there ya go.

    That ???? Mismagius has, like I said before, way too many hands in too many puddings. It will be interesting to see how this all works out.

    Another great chapter, look forward to another one.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  24. #124
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    Gear scene was sad and awesome at the same time. You made Discharge a sacrificial move? I'm not a fan of that too much…
    Oh sorry but take me off the PM list. My tries for my own fanfic are eating up my time.
    On that note, if you want to cowrite, PM me and we can arrange it.

    Grav out.
    §
    Formerly Grav.
    Quite inactive, but still available. If you have a fanfic that no one wants to review, PM/VM me and I'll give you a hand.

  25. #125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    “During the chaos following the Falling Star Incident ten years ago, tribute on the Colonists was placed at an all time high. Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of recently crowned King Nickolas Lucario went on a mercy mission to aid her citizens in their time of need. During her stay in the Colonies, a member of the revolutionary group, ‘The Knights of Arceus’, was able to gain an audience with her and subsequently killed her and himself with several Blast Seeds. This proved to be the breaking point.
    Stricken with remorse, fury, and a desire for revenge, Nickolas levied a crushing tax on the province and all but destroyed their meager rights under Kingdom law. It was no surprise that following the brief period of disorder after the Restoration of Time two years ago that the Colonies seceded from the Kingdom after a series of violent attacks on the Boarderlands.”

    Excerpt from the Chronicles of King Nickolas Lucario, as recorded by Scizor of the Rescue Team Federation
    Too many references...cant contain the awesomeness!
    Seriously though, wow.

    “There is a potential for a great profit on your part,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe to get the Sableye’s attention.
    No! The Money is a Lie!

    “Are those what I think they are? How in Heatran’s holy mines did you get Royal Poke?” Aleck asked in mystified awe as the stranger chuckled.
    There's the legendary thing. I dunno, not fond of this one.
    I think certain legendaries shouldn't be used as a replacement for god...

    Oh, instead, you should use legendaries that match their type/affinity. So Sableye's could be Giratina.
    Though I'd be OK with you using certain deities as universal replacements: Arceus, Dialga, Palkia, Giratina, Uxie, Mesprit, Azelf, Kyogre, Groudon, Rayquaza, Ho-Oh, Lugia, Mew, Mewtwo(Not as a god sub, but as a sub for someone would curse to 'Voldemort' in HP), Reshiram, Zekrom, and maybe Kyurem. Basically, the major ones literally considered deities, or at least the major ones.
    Those would work for any typed/affinity Pokemon. You can still have Pokemon curse to the minor ones, but only if they adhere to that type/affinity. So Fire-Types could curse to Heatran, Entei, or Moltres if they wanted to, but any other typed Pokemon wouldn't curse to them, I wouldn't think. Though a Steel type could curse to Heatran, and a Flying type to Moltres.
    But that's by type. They could also curse to a legend that they would have an affinity to. For instance, if there is a Pokemon that could be considered greedy or profitable, you could have Aleck curse to it instead.

    “I don’t care what the report says, Axis! ZTT! They are all wrong this time! I won’t do it! BZT!” Gear screeched, his speech processors straining as they struggled to vocalize the officer’s emotions.
    Aw, Gear really does care. How sweet.

    “Now, now, Gear. There is no need for such harsh vocabulary. My business in this backwater village does not require your authorization; I am here on assignment from the Inner Council. If you really must know, it was all because of a small incident you had in the Western Quarter. I believe you know what I am talking about,” the golden bird said as he slowly walked over the Gear’s desk, the bodyguards repelling the chief officer a safe distance away from the governor.
    Golden Skarmory...Shiny? Cool.
    Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory, “We might be even more capable if your Council stopped sending us lists of potential traitors that we have to arrest. Jack, Rhone, Flare, Clip … they were on your lists for no good reason! ZT! Yet we arrested them without giving them a chance to explain the accusations brought against them! BZZT! And your most recent list; those Pokemon are all innocent! ZT!” Gear buzzed, directing the governor’s attention to the piece of parchment on the desk.
    Oooooh, descent in the ranks... *grabs popcorn*

    “ZT! I am a Pokemon sworn to protect the citizens of Loyalty Square, nothing more, nothing less. I am not some ‘machine’ under the control of the Kingdom, and I will not be treated as such, even by you, Governor. ZT! I will do what it takes to ensure that my citizens’ liberties are not compromised by anyone, much less the discolored, sniveling bureaucrat that is currently polluting my town with his presence. ZT!”
    Yeah! You tell 'em! *some popcorn spills on the floor as I fist pump*

    One of the guards let out a garbled scream shortly before he was violently crushed against the wall, his core exploding in a burst of electricity and wiring.
    Score! Point One for Officer Gear!

    The increased voltage caused their center cores to smoke and explode.

    “ZZZT! My eye! My ZBZBZBT! eye! SZSZZS!” one guard, the only one still alive from the squad, screeched as he whirled around in the air in agony. Fire and smoke hissing from his destroyed center. Fortunately, his suffering was short-lived as his core detonated
    with a flash of fire. Small bits of metal shell scattered throughout the office.
    Five to Zero!
    *Aw, out of popcorn. Pauses playback. Makes popcorn. Unpauses. Where was I...Oh yeah.*

    “BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.
    Yeah! What he said!

    “ZT! He’s tryiNG to KILl inNOcent PoKEMon! BBRZT!” Gear grunted as his processors’ volume controls failed completely..
    Think you got an extra period at the end of that quote.

    “I can promote you all! Any position in the force! It’s yours! Pay raise included!” the governor bargained as Gear slowly upped the voltage.
    Lies! The promotion's a lie! Don't go for it!

    That offer did it for the guard corp. Gear’s optic widened with horror as one unit after another let out a yell and tackled the officer, trying to pull him off the Skarmory with their magnets. They all piled on their former chief officer, eventually pealing him off Richelieu.
    Dang it.

    With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires. The governor turned the officer’s core over in his talon, and gave a satisfied huff before tossing it away dismissively. The metal cylinder clattered on the floor, before rolling to a stop before Axis’s hovering form.
    As soon as the deputy saw his former commander’s core, he came out of the state of horrified shock he was in.
    Murder! Foul, I call foul!
    *throws popcorn at the screen*

    “Jay, if you hit him with that, I swear to Raikou I will zap you into next year!” Kelly snapped as Jay slowly lowered the Cleanse Orb clutched in his paw.
    This one is perfectly fine though, since Kelly is an electric type.

    “Did Kyurem drop by for a visit?” he asked with a feeble chuckle.
    This works because it isn't a curse.

    ”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.
    You! >_>

    Jay clutched the Cleanse Orb even more tightly, threatening to accidently activate the sensitive crystal.
    accidently should be accidentally

    “If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.
    Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of recently crowned King Nickolas Lucario...
    Wait.... Does that mean...? Is Jay...
    No, he can't be....
    O_O

    “Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.”
    Love how that seemed to be a casual "Oh, almost forgot, your gonna be attacked any minute, no biggie"

    It’s been a while since my last update, hasn’t it? While I did say school would hamper my efforts to write, I kinda let my free time go to other things.
    The same thing that's happening to me sadly...

    Onto the chapter itself. This chapter proved to be strange to me as I wanted to incorporate some necessary backstory, some character-building, and also a good transition to the next big arc of the story.

    I think I was able to pull it off reasonably enough, but I want your opinions on it.
    I loved the chapter. I got into it so much. The last bit was one big convo basically, but the middle bit with Gear was too awesome.
    It's a shame Gear is gone. I didn't like the guy so much, but he was a good dude. But now I have someone new to hate. Even if I can't spell his name.

    Marvelous, as always.
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 31% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



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