You fell back into unseparated paragraphs somehow!
Originally Posted by Knightfall
Missed an "and" there.
Leo tumbled out of the hammock, somehow managing to land upright.
That might be better as "He HAD just grasped..." because otherwise it sounds like grabbing the bag is no big deal. "He just grabbed the bag". "He was just playing around". Like that. I had the wrong innotation of "just".
He just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.
Couple things here. Let me just retype and bold it.
“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, a chorus of “Rodger!” affirming the order told Leo that there was definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.
“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.
I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?
“Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded, again accompanied by several static-ridden cries of “Rodger!” Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.
The "on a dime" is a bit too colloquial for narration, I think.
He spun around on a dime and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.
I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.
His mind was spinning as if someone had stuck it on a pottery wheel,
"Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?
Explosions of blinding light still occurred within the remaining chambers of the base.
"be in" is a bit weird. Maybe "the small room that was once his now had...". Also, I think you mean "billowed". But imagining smoke "bellowing" is fun.
The small room he used to be in now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke bellowed out.
No need for a comma after "bag".
followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag, to the apples from the kitchen.
The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls.
The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before being stopped by dragging their broken sides against the walls.
Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?
He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.
Something is off there because the second sentence is not a whole thought.
In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground. Dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope.
I assume the key isn't IN him, so it's not between his chest. "his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably..."?
His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest while the ground bit uncomfortably against his body.
I quite like that image.
Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current.
A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".
“We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Trying to think of a solution to their predicament.
Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.
“Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the Cheri Berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munch
on the small berry.
A few punctuation bits there. There should be conjunctions after "grieving" and later on, "behind him". Or those commas should be semi-colons. And you don't need the comma (or anything) after "under his tread".
Leo didn’t waste any time grieving, he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread, as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him, he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.
I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.
No! I am not getting left behind again!
Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.
Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned
Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.
He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.
Well that confrontation was interesting.
“You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.
Okay, I'm going to have to take a break. I think I'm almost to the end (end-ISH), so I will hopefully have this wrapped up tonight.
This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?
Originally Posted by Knightfall
“I’m afraid they do involve you; if my observations are correct they were some of your last remaining customers, I believe,” he revealed, causing Aleck to go think for a moment.
There's just so much going on in this tale.
“Filthy Kingdom merchants,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.
I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.
Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
“You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe
, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”
I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.
“ZT! Gear would never do this!”
“Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.
All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.
I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.
The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.
Last edited by Sid87; 15th December 2012 at 12:55 PM.
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