Page 7 of 12 FirstFirst ... 34567891011 ... LastLast
Results 151 to 175 of 280

Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown

  1. #151
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Arizona Bay
    Posts
    471

    Default

    This is really good, keep up the good work.

    I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.

    Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

    I expect good works from you in the future.
    Nothing interesting here. Carry on.
    Author's Profile

  2. #152
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Meeker View Post
    This is really good, keep up the good work.
    Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Meeker View Post
    I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.
    Heh, thank you, again. I put a lot of effort into the world my story takes place in. I think I even drew a map at one point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Meeker View Post
    Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

    I expect good works from you in the future.

    As with my background, I put considerable thought into my characters. Even my most minor characters play a part, such as Aleck.
    The sole reason my chapters take so long are because I add the description to it.

    Anyways, thank you for reviewing and I will do my best to continue to produce quality chapters.

    Knightfall signing off...

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Arizona Bay
    Posts
    471

    Default

    Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.

    The remaining units took advantage of the opportunity and fired several bolts directly at the Golduck.
    I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?
    Nothing interesting here. Carry on.
    Author's Profile

  4. #154
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Meeker View Post
    Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.
    Why thank you. You know? Sometimes I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but it works out in the end. At least, it usually does.

    Quote Originally Posted by Meeker View Post
    I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?
    Even though I have studied that case, I did not have that in mind when writing it. Though looking back, it's odd how many similarities that scene has with that particular incident.

    Well, as an update on Chapter Nine, it is moving along nicely. With the critique of several of my friends on here, I was able to finish a good portion of it recently. School is still as much of a hindrance to writing as ever, but it's still getting done. I plan on having it done very soon.

    Knightfall signing off...

  5. #155
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Arizona Bay
    Posts
    471

    Default

    ”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?”
    Was Kevin Bacon turned into a Pokemon like Leo was, this guy's in everything!

    Really good man, keep it up!
    Nothing interesting here. Carry on.
    Author's Profile

  6. #156
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    886

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Kelly’s panicked voice rang throughout the base, shattering the relative midnight silence.
    Leo stirred from his sleep only slightly, his recovering mind not comprehending her panicked call.
    In my pride, I tempted him. I told him to do his worst. He did so, if only to show me the errors of my ways.
    You fell back into unseparated paragraphs somehow!

    Leo tumbled out of the hammock, somehow managing to land upright.
    Missed an "and" there.

    He just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.
    That might be better as "He HAD just grasped..." because otherwise it sounds like grabbing the bag is no big deal. "He just grabbed the bag". "He was just playing around". Like that. I had the wrong innotation of "just".

    “Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, a chorus of “Rodger!” affirming the order told Leo that there was definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.
    Couple things here. Let me just retype and bold it.

    “Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

    “Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded, again accompanied by several static-ridden cries of “Rodger!” Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.
    I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?

    He spun around on a dime and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.
    The "on a dime" is a bit too colloquial for narration, I think.

    His mind was spinning as if someone had stuck it on a pottery wheel,
    I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.

    Explosions of blinding light still occurred within the remaining chambers of the base.
    "Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?

    The small room he used to be in now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke bellowed out.
    "be in" is a bit weird. Maybe "the small room that was once his now had...". Also, I think you mean "billowed". But imagining smoke "bellowing" is fun.

    followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag, to the apples from the kitchen.
    No need for a comma after "bag".

    The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before being stopped by dragging their broken sides against the walls.
    The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls.

    He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.
    Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?

    In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground. Dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope.
    Something is off there because the second sentence is not a whole thought.

    His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest while the ground bit uncomfortably against his body.
    I assume the key isn't IN him, so it's not between his chest. "his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably..."?

    Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current.
    I quite like that image.

    “We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Trying to think of a solution to their predicament.
    A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".

    “Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the Cheri Berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munch on the small berry.
    Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.

    Leo didn’t waste any time grieving, he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread, as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him, he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.
    A few punctuation bits there. There should be conjunctions after "grieving" and later on, "behind him". Or those commas should be semi-colons. And you don't need the comma (or anything) after "under his tread".

    No! I am not getting left behind again! Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.

    Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned
    I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.

    He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.
    Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.

    “You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.
    Well that confrontation was interesting.

    Okay, I'm going to have to take a break. I think I'm almost to the end (end-ISH), so I will hopefully have this wrapped up tonight.




    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Aleck scrambled backwards from his employer, his claws scratching on the stone ground.
    “I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to. And besides, what went so horribly wrong?” he asked, still trying to secure his reward of Royal Poke.
    This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?

    “I’m afraid they do involve you; if my observations are correct they were some of your last remaining customers, I believe,” he revealed, causing Aleck to go think for a moment.
    "go think"?

    “Filthy Kingdom merchants,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.
    There's just so much going on in this tale.

    Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
    “You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”
    I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.

    “ZT! Gear would never do this!”

    “Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.
    I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.


    All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.

    I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.

    The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.
    Last edited by Sid87; 15th December 2012 at 11:55 AM.


    Sid87's Gen 6 Igloo Shop!

    FC: 3823-9867-2750

  7. #157
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Reply time!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?
    I'm not sure why I had them do that. It's fixed now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *
    I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.
    Alright, fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *

    "Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?
    I thought I fixed that earlier, oh well. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *
    Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?
    No, he was talking about freeing himself on the other side of the collapsed hallway where the Magnemite were.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    *
    A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".
    You should have saw the major narration error I had before Shadow pointed it out. It was like the whole scene suddenly switched to Jay's perspective.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.
    True, I forgot he only knew Pecha and Oran Berries. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.

    Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.
    Why thanks! I felt like the entire section in the forest was written better than the rest of the chapter. This chapter suffered from me also beign distracted by school, so that's why it seemed a little ... off at times.
    Though I'm glad you liked the trees. I loved writing that scene as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?
    It does sound better. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    "go think"?
    Whoops. That was left over from an earlier version. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    There's just so much going on in this tale.
    Indeed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.
    Yeah, I try to think of these things whenever I'm writing a certain Pokemon. It makes sense they have speakers since they have no visible mouth.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.
    He's only been in what? Two scenes? I honestly didn't plan on having him staying around as the story moved forward, BUT I think I can make something with him work...
    I can promise that you'll see more of him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.
    Yeah, I think it could have flowed better as well. Heh, I'm glad I've been doing a good job introducing you to the PMD universe. I'll say it again: they're worth playing through.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.
    Like I said before. I had never planed on having him stay around, but I'll make something work. I'm starting to grow attached to his character as well, and you know what happens then, they stay around and eventually become important to the plot. CoughAleckcough.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.
    Heh, unfortunately, that won't get "resolved" for a while. Though in the next chapter, you'll get to see how this voice treats someone who isn't Leo or Jay.

    And in speaking of the next chapter....

  8. #158
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Chapter Nine: Perspective


    Executive Order 47: “In the event any officer of the law becomes malcompliant with established royal doctrines, it is imperative that they be disposed of with extreme prejudice. They are to be imprisoned without the possibility of fair trial. Lethal force is granted for severe cases of insubordination. Regional governors have the responsibility of filling in the position within forty-eight hours from initial disposal.”

    Opening paragraph of Royal Decree: 47




    Sunlight softly streamed through the large glass window of the study, lighting up the room with the new morning light. The room was paneled with a rich, dark wood and lined with several handsomely built bookcases. There was a desk in the center of the room made out of the same dark wood on which were stacked several important-looking documents.

    A single Pokemon paced slowly behind the desk. Its paws made little noise on the polished marble flooring. He clutched a letter in his paw, careful not to accidently impale it on his paw's boney spike.

    His red eyes read down the page, shifting as the Pokemon poured over each word several times before moving to the next one. As soon as he was finished reading it, he immediately read it again, hoping that what he read was a mistake.

    Your Majesty, be it far from me as a loyal subject of the crown to impose foreboding news upon you, but I am afraid I must. Unfortunately, costs of production of many of the items you import from our facilities have risen, and such the cost of exporting these products to your nation must rise to meet these cost demands.

    I realize how crucial it is for your campaign against the Colonies that supplies reach your army in a timely fashion and how strained your treasury is for gold. Therefore, I will offer you a deal:
    grant Trinity Isle exclusive trade with your ports and allow us to collect tolls on our competitor’s ships and we will be able to keep prices from rising on our products.

    I severely hope that you see the benefit from accepting these terms. The Kingdom can only prosper from them and we will be able to meet our financial obligations. Otherwise, I will have no other choice but to terminate our existing trade agreement. I do not wish for that to happen, nor do I wish the Colonies to overpower your nation.

    Please respond in a timely manner; I have a schedule to keep.

    Head Administrator, Constantine Sceptile of T.I.R.A.
    .

    A low growl of frustration came from the Pokemon. His black-furred paw placed the letter down on the desk. He slowly lifted his head, revealing two blue pointed ears and a blue and black furred snout.

    “Curse the Legends …” the Lucario sighed as he rubbed his paws against the sides of his head. They’ve got us. The treasury can’t take another price increase …

    As the monarch contemplated his extremely limited options, a soft knocking on the doors of the room interrupted him. Pushing aside the troubling news, he regained his regal composure.

    “Enter.”

    The two wooden doors parted to reveal a small red and white bird carrying several pieces of freshly printed parchment. The Delibird bowed politely, his beak almost touching the marble floor.

    “Your Majesty, Lord Darney wishes to speak with you concerning the Inner Council. He is waiting in the reception hall,” he reported quickly. The king’s face darkened slightly at the mention of the name.

    “Send him up; I will speak with him,” he said, unable to conceal his disapproving undertone.

    “Will you be needing anything else, my lord?” the festively decorated bird asked.

    A drink from Spinda’s would be nice. Something very strong … “No thank you, Wevan. That will be all,” he answered with a dismissing wave of his paw.

    Wevan simply nodded. “Very well. I will fetch him right away, sir.” With that, he waddled out the door, making sure to close it gently behind him.

    The Lucario closed his eyes and tried to focus his mind. He would need every ounce of mental strength not to snap and rip the Lord’s spiny head off his shoulders. The relationship between him and the Lord of the Council had been strained ever since they had come at odds with each other with how to best rule the Kingdom.

    He had just finished taking another deep breath when he felt a strong aura of pure contempt waiting outside the door.

    “Come in, Darney.” The door slowly opened to reveal a Pokemon slightly shorter than the king. His grass green carapace glinted in the morning sun’s rays as he walked into the study of the palace. The Pokemon, Darney, bowed in respect, his scythe-like appendages extended behind him as he continued the sign of respect.

    Once he rose again, the Scyther coughed as he prepared to speak. “Nickolas,” he acknowledged, “I know you dislike being visited by me, so I’ll keep this meeting brief.”

    The sovereign was not moved. “Why are you here?” Nickolas asked curtly, looking down at the oversized mantis.

    Darney continued, ignoring the king’s question. “As you know, the war effort has gone stagnate. The Colonial lines cannot be broken and our army is just barely holding them back.”

    “I know this. I do not need to hear it again from—” the king began, but was cut off almost immediately by the Scyther.

    “Meanwhile, the Kingdom is crumbling around us; a dying patient in a hospital. We cannot hope to save it without greater cooperation within the government,” he said, slowly rubbing his right scythe on his left. Nickolas narrowed his eyes Just where is he going with this? he wondered.

    “Ever since the creation of the Council after the chaos of the Time Gear business and your tragic … loss, we have had varying degrees of disagreement on how the government should be run. What actions need to be taken to preserve this fine nation,” Darney said, beginning to slowly circle Nickolas like a vulture closing in on a carcass.

    “Nearly every suggestion we’ve put forth has been more or less rejected by you, getting us nowhere, while our enemies continue to wear us down. If it wasn’t for your family, the war would have been over a year ago! Now, we nearly bankrupt and close to the tipping point into anarchy!” He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes burning with anger.

    “That is why the Council has decided to temporarily decrease your influence in the government until the current crisis has passed. Effective immediately.”

    The noble backed away from the king, expecting a response. To the Scyther’s surprise, the Lucario just stood where he was, mouth slightly agape in apparent disbelief.

    Darney cracked a slight smile. “You need some time alone with your thoughts, I see. Good day … your Highness,” he said with a mock bow. He then swiftly turned and walked out of the room through the doorway.

    “W-what?” Nickolas stuttered as he tried to process what had just happened. He couldn’t believe that the absolute power built up by his family over the course of three centuries was decimated within ninety seconds.

    Everything his ancestors, his grandfather, his father, and he had worked for gone in a flash. Governance over his land had vanished just as the light of the sun passed behind a thick cloud. They took it away! My crown! My Kingdom!

    The disbelief gave way to absolute rage in one violent scream as Nickolas curled his right paw into a fist and slammed it into the nearest bookshelf. The shelf built from wood of the forests of the Far Reach splintered under the heavy blow. Books on the shelf flew to the ground in a flutter as pages of knowledge were torn by the sovereign’s wrath.

    “No! No!! NO!!” he screamed as he repeatedly slammed his fist into the fractured remains of the wooden furniture. Suddenly, as the sun again broke through the clouds, his anger dissipated.

    Nickolas fell to his knees and let his head drop down towards the hard, marble floor. His entire body shuddered as he attempted to gulp down as much air as he could. He couldn’t take it; not anymore. His citizens were being crushed by injustice, his armies were being crushed by their enemies, his government was being crushed by his own advisors, and right now, Nickolas was being crushed with repressed emotion.

    One low sob escaped his throat and it was instantly followed by another, and yet another. Small rivulets of tears made their way down his face from the corners of his closed eyes.
    Memories of the happier times before the war, before the Crisis of Time, before the Falling Star, all flashed in front of his eyes.

    His father, still in the prime of his health laughed as he waved to the crowds of adoring Pokemon. Celebrating the thirtieth year of his reign.

    His mother scolding him as he ran without care through the gold lined halls of the palace. His wife, the love of his life, celebrating their son’s first year of life. The celebration that lasted three days in the streets of Silver.

    Then, the memories changed for the worse as his sobs increased. His father, coughing violently as the assassin’s poison ate through his veins. His father, lying on the cold marble floor as his advisors raced for help. His father, whispering his final blessing and bestowing his son the crown with his last labored breath.

    His mother, consumed by sorrow, ended her life with an emulation of the poison that had taken her soul mate only a week prior.

    Himself, ten years ago when his world collapsed once more. When those ungrateful Colonists took his love away from him forever, stealing away her life.

    And most recently, himself once again, refusing to look as he signed the order. The order that made him run away from everything he once knew. That made him a fugitive.

    The memories did not subside until he felt the forceful shake of two small wings and the concerned voice of Wevan that broke him from the horrible slideshow.

    “Sir? Sir?! Are you okay, sir?! Oh, do please get up, sir! Oh, Articuno, what should I do?!” the Delibird cried as Nickolas attempted to breathe once again. His body slowly recovered with the influx of air and he sat upright.

    “I-I’m f-fine. Thanks, Wevan,” the Lucario said in between his panting breaths.

    Wevan carefully removed his wings from his king’s back. “Thank the Legends, you’re alright …” the butler sighed in relief that his lord had not yet kicked the proverbial bucket.

    “Umm, I’ll go make some Oran tea for you sir. I know you like that. I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” he stated quickly, before hurriedly running out of the study down to the kitchens.

    “Yes, thank you,” Nickolas mumbled as he closed his eyes again allowing his thoughts to wander for one brief moment. Oh, Alexandria … What do I do now?”



    I am dead. Dead to the gods. Dead to those who once knew me. Dead to the false knowledge. Dead to the world above.
    “Dive right! There are patrols on the left up ahead! Keep running!”

    “No! It’s over! It’s all over! There’s nothing left! They’ve all left me!”
    I’ve become little more than a shadow of my former self.

    Yet I live. Deep within the darkest recesses of the truth, away from the lies above. I don’t know exactly how I became how I am. Yet somehow I did.
    “Get a hold of yourself! You must focus! It’s not over! There! A ladder! Climb!”

    My mind slips into the insanity that plagues me. Reminding me of my failures.
    “No! No! No! There’s nothing! I’m nothing! You’re just a figment of my imagination! Leave me alone!” Screaming delusions of my tortured mind.

    I once obeyed this hypothetical truth. A promise made up by those who wish to repress true knowledge all for the sake of greed and corruption. They controlled me and those who once knew me. And we did not question them.
    Days and months passed by, yet I did not waver from the viewpoint they forced upon us.
    “Listen to me! Please! You’re hallucinating again. Just take a deep breath and try to block out the visions! You have to focus.”

    I beg you, do not judge me. I was lost in the night of ignorance, without a lantern or torch to guide me.
    “I’m not crazy! I’m not crazy! I’mnotcrazy! I’mnotcrazyI’mnotcrazy!”
    I’m afraid I am.

    I do not know when, but I woke up. Woke up from the moral sleep our overseers had subjected us to. Woken up from a dream only to face the living nightmare that had ensnared itself into our lives so deeply that there was no escape from it.
    “Snap out of it! Whether you like it or not, you are insane, at least until we get out of here.”

    I dug deeper into the heart of the false truth, while putting on the façade of continued compliance to their immoral orders. Their countless violations of justice; they did not go unnoticed by my furtive eyes. Until I found it. The source of the lies.
    “It saw me! The crystal eyes! They’re always watching! Stop watching me!
    In my previous position, I would have been most intrigued about the illusions and acute paranoia of a Pokemon’s mind. Now, I have become my own test subject.

    Their greatest triumph.
    A heart and mind made of the pure concentrations of their unceasing disregard for justice, truth, and ideology. Contempt for their own founding creed. They created a mind of science.
    “You have to focus! Get a hold of yourself! We’re going to be captured if you don’t move!

    He aided them. He used the overseers to unseat the kings of the past and future. In order to preserve the world. To safeguard it for eternity. What a joke. He was the cartographer of the map to upset the reign of justice.
    “Y-you’re right. I- we must keep—There! I saw them! Get away! Get away!”
    It’s truly disgusting seeing how far I’ve fallen.

    I could not remain where I was. I fled. I evaded the false knowledge. Taking refuge in the last remaining strongholds of truth that remained in this hell.
    “Don’t believe what you see! Listen to me! None of that is real! Just listen to me!”

    The variables had not yet been in place. Gone. Unfinished. Destroyed. Hidden from the light of the righteous. Trapped under the lies of our generation.
    “How can I trust you! You’re one of them! You always were! Get away!”
    If I can’t trust my own conscious, how can I trust someone else’s?

    Heaven shone a light down upon me. It cast me into favor. How could something has pure and innocent as ideology exist in this wasteland of hatred and progress?
    “We’ve been over this before! I am not one of them! You made sure of that.”

    I dared not question. Not again. Together, we worked. Justice and ideals. To overthrow the false truth and free others from its tyrannical grip.
    “That’s just what they would say! Get away from me! I hate you! I hate all you! You-- You’re trying to kill me!” Trusting a conscious that’s not even my own.

    We failed. Together we fled as far as we could, yet the mind of science aided by the spawns of coding barricaded us. Trapped us on the bridge connecting the span of dimensions.
    “Just listen to yourself right now! You’re confused. What would she think right now?

    The cold winds of prejudice battered us. Making our wills slip ever so slightly. In our hour of need, a spawn of coding saw through the wool of lies. The wired heart’s eyes were opened to see the evil that surrounded it.
    “D-don’t you dare mention her! Not again! Not ever again!”
    What have I become? All in my quest for the truth...

    The heart of wire was not enough to keep the mind of science and the founder of lies attack with the cold winds of prejudice. We fell. Off the bridge spanning the two worlds: knowledge and freedom.
    “No! I will mention her! What would she think of you right now?! Accusing me of treachery! What would she say to you?! Tell me!”

    Our spirits fell. The abyss of ultimate ignorance awaited us. Its jaws open like a predator. An ocean of darkness accepted the fall of our light. Drowning it swiftly.
    “ No! No! Stop it! I can hear her! I hear her! She’s saying I’m a bad Pokemon! No I’m not! You’re lying! You’re lying! Stop lying to me! Stop it!”
    In the clear instances when my mind is fully mine, I stop to wonder about my predicament.

    I swam, rescuing the heart of wire and the wounded soul of ideals from the ocean of darkness.
    Prejudice had left its mark on the ideals and such a way that there was no recovery.
    “She’s telling you to snap out of it. None of those visions are real. She’s telling you to listen to me. It’s not real.”

    I wandered with the heart of wire and the dying ideals through the lost halls underneath the fortress of lies and inequity.
    “N-no! No! They’re real! R-real! R-r-real? N-not real? Not real ... Y-you’re right. I can hear her …They’re … They’re going away. The visions …”
    I used to be respected! I used to be free! I used to be sane!

    It was there, among the halls, where ideals were truly lost. Truth was not enough to save it. The wired heart lead me onwards toward half-hearted salvation.
    “Good. Just take some deep breaths. In. Out. That’s it. There’s some Luminous Orbs in the supply room ahead. Those will help you. Come on. We have to climb.”

    I found salvation. Salvation in the forgotten knowledge that still existed unmolested under the crushing bastion of false truths.
    “I-I’m sorry. For yelling at you. You’re the last friend I have in this hell. I shouldn’t have let those voices get the better of me. I-it’s me. I need the sun, it’s getting to my head.”
    There’s nothing for me, but a hope that’s been shattered and taped back together more times than I can count.

    He found me. The One who has strived to find the balance between truth and ideals. He comforted me in my darkest hour. When my mind could not react according to reason.
    “It’s alright. I forgive you. You can’t help it … That’s why we have to climb. So you can get to the surface again. So we can escape.”

    He promised that freedom would be at hand. Freedom from the clutches of those who restrain the truth. From those who wish to ensnare the world.
    “I know we have to escape, but we can’t leave. Not yet. Otherwise there will be no one to guide the heroes when they get here. They won’t survive without us. They must have a guide. And I must find her.”
    He visits me every so often. He speaks all proper, like it’s a business meeting. He says the same thing every time “patience”. If only to remind me:

    I ascended into the passages of the false knowledge with the wired heart. To prepare for the coming of the heroes of injustice.
    “You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”
    That I will see the sun again. One day. My mind will become clear once again. The heroes will allow me to.
    “You don’t understand… I have to stay. To guide them. To find her. Otherwise the world will burn.”

    I will be free.



    Aleck groaned. His body stirred on the floor of the damp dungeon. As his nose picked up the smell of decaying straw, he slowly opened his crystal eyes.

    He instantly knew something was wrong as soon as he realized that one side of his vision was completely dark. He carefully raised a claw to the darkened eye and to his horror, felt the deep cracks in it. Then he remembered: the mysterious Scyther, the kill list, the money, everything from the night before.

    Swallowing his panic, he looked around the room that confined him. It was small, the ceilings barely high enough to keep from smashing his head on it. The walls appeared to be built completely of stone. Though whatever kind it was, he instantly knew it would be too hard for him to dig his way out.

    He turned his head to the only source of light, a flickering torch in the hallway. He was separated from the warmth of the fire by a gate of iron bars with a firm lock attached to it.
    He gripped the bars with his claws and shook them as hard as he could, hoping to attract some attention.

    “Hey! Let me out of here! Someone answer me!” he angrily yelled. Suddenly, heavy footsteps made him cease his calling.

    A large Pokemon with a thick hide of purple complete with several pointed spikes stopped in front of his cell. He took his fist and slammed it against the bars.
    Aleck leaped backwards in fright, while the Nidoking let out a gruff laugh.

    “Better keep quiet, little Kingdom rat, otherwise you’ll lose another eye,” he chuckled as he continued his patrol down the hallway, leaving Aleck alone once more.

    “Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.

    “You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”

    “Giratina?! Is that you?!” Aleck gasped, excitedly looking around the dungeon with his functioning eye.

    “Not quite, regrettably. Though I am an emissary for those in high places. Regardless, knowledge of my identity is not required for my purpose here.”

    “W-who are you?” Aleck said in a stuttering whisper as the dungeon seemed to grow colder. The slight warmth the torch provided dissipating gradually as the voice’s presence grew closer..

    “You must not have heard me, merchant, when I said my identity is not necessary for this conversation."

    “W-what do you want?! Show yourself, phantom!” Aleck demanded, trying to summon his courage as he faced the unseen threat.

    “I’m afraid I work best from the shadows, Aleck, so I cannot hope to oblige to your demands. I can however, shed some light on the issue at hand. Such as, why you are in a nice, cozy prison cell and not --purely for example-- face down, throat slit in a ravine.

    Aleck gulped in fright. “Please, don’t hurt me. I’m only ...” he pleaded, his voice breaking off mid-sentence. He huddled in a corner of the dungeon, whimpering slightly

    “Only what, Aleck? A murderer? A backstabbing thief? A traitor? Neither Derek nor Team Salient got a chance to argue the fate you forced upon them; why should I hear your plea? The temperature in the cell continued to drop until Aleck could see his own terrified breath turn into mist.

    “I was wrong! I was greedy! I nearly killed them, but it was that Scyther that—!”

    “Enough! I care not for whom you place the blame for your own mistakes. Tell me, why I should give you the chance that Salient never had?”

    “I am sorry! I wish I had thrown the money on the ground! I should have walked away from his deal! What more can I say to make you believe that?!” Aleck cried. A deep mist enveloped the prison cell, making the area around Aleck a wall of pure darkness.

    “I cannot believe anything you say as your lies are hard to distinguish from the truth. I’m certain Derek would be disappointed to see the cesspool of greed and deceit your life has become. Was your ‘friendship’ with him, however brief, nothing? Just a way to advance yourself? A way to temporarily satiate your greed?

    “D-don’t mention his name. Not even after all this time. Not after what happened to him.” He whimpered as memories from his distant past resurfaced in vivid detail.

    “Why not? You used him. He was only a tool to pass the blame onto for your mistakes. He took the fall in your place. He got what you and you alone deserved.”

    “He was my friend! I tried to save him, but I couldn’t!” Aleck roared, stamping his clawed foot on the stone floor.

    “Yet you never felt even the slightest amount of grief or regret afterwards. You never felt--”

    “You don’t know what I felt!” Aleck interrupted, “I lost a friend! You have no idea how much the guilt ate at me! You’re the one who doesn’t know anything! You’re nothing! You’re-- Gaaakkk!” he clutched at his throat as an unseen force crushed it. His vision began to darken as his body suffered from the withdrawal of precious oxygen.

    “Do. Not. Insult. Me. Nod your head once if you understand. Otherwise you can permanently say goodbye to your motor functions.” Despite on the verge of passing out, Aleck managed to nod as per the voice’s instructions.

    “Excellent.” As suddenly as it appeared, the crushing pressure on his windpipe immediately released. Aleck collapsed to the floor gasping for breath like a fish out of water.

    The voice ignored the Sableye’s weak curses and continued from where he left off.
    “So, if given the chance, you would make up for the deed? What would you be willing to do to repay a favor of a lost friend? To repay the debt owed for your life? Hmm?”

    “Of course I would! I would do anything! He didn’t deserve what I made him go through … ” he said with a hoarse whisper.

    “Would you help Salient? Would you help them in their hour of need if presented the opportunity?

    “Yes! Anything!” Tears began to form in his functioning eye.

    “Anything? Do you actually know what ‘anything’ entails?

    “Yes! I do! Please, I swear I will do anything to ensure their safety! To make it up to them!” the merchant cried, praying to the Dragon of the Dimensions to save him.

    “Even at the cost of your life?

    Aleck’s heart was about to explode from sheer terror. “Yes! Yes! Anything!”

    “You are a pathetic excuse of a Pokemon, do you know that? You traded not only
    Salient’s, but also several other’s lives for what? A sack of metal.”


    That was when he saw them; two golden eyes glaring at him with a mixture pure loathing and twisted bemusement.

    “Prove to me you deserve a second chance, Aleck. Prove that your life was not squandered on self-gratification and worldly possessions. Can you do that?”

    The Sableye fell prostrate on the stone floor as he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Yes! I will! I will! Just let me go!”

    As if a fire was ignited, the dark mist vanished in a blink of an eye. It left no trace that it had invaded the small prison cell besides a very shook up Aleck who was still huddled in a corner.

    “Well then, we will see just how … repentant you are of your actions, won’t we?”



    “Alright, so as of now, we’re in the middle of a mystery dungeon. Right about here,” Jay stated, pressing his paw against a clump of green on his torn map that represented the mystery dungeon.

    After the ordeal of the previous night, they had decided to sleep in shifts until dawn. A plan that would have worked if Leo hadn’t dozed off five minutes into his shift. Fortunately, no interlopers appeared during the night to mess things up even more than they already were.

    The morning sun was still creeping its way above the eastern horizon, but its rays provided enough light to see. The dungeon forest surrounding the team was calm, as if they only moved during the night hours.

    “We’re still too close to Loyalty to consider ourselves out of the woods yet,” Jay stated again, Leo groaning at his pun. They had all gotten up only a few minutes before and Leo had yet to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

    His entire body felt as stiff as a board and sore. This was to be expected from sleeping on a patch of particularly uncomfortable dirt. He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off.

    “We have few options once we get out of these woods. Depending on how fast word gets out that we’re wanted, we might have very little time. We can’t go east back to Loyalty, so that leaves us with the Ember Mountains to the south, and Silver City to the west,” Jay said, counting off the limited ways they could leave the forest.

    “I vote we go north; my hometown is near the Borderlands,” Kelly suggested, her voice still sounding exhausted from the previous night’s ordeal. Her scream Leo had heard was due to a delayed Orb going off in the main room. Apparently sandstorms and electric types do not go well together. She had her paw placed near a jagged red line on the northern area of the map.

    Jay shook his head in obvious disagreement. “That’s also where the war is. We might as well walk into a military base, because that’s what the Borderlands has become,” Jay responded.

    “Where do you suggest we go then, Jay?” Kelly snapped, placing her paw down on the map over the jagged red line that indicated the Borderlands.

    “Simple, we go to Silver. We can hopefully lie low for a bit and fade from their wanted list,” Jay said confidently, placing his paw down on the large dot near the coast that represented Silver City.

    “You say we’re going into a military base with my plan, when you’re suggesting we go the capital! Do you know how many guards are there on a daily basis? Hundreds, at least! No, we’re not going there,” Kelly declared, shooting down Jay’s suggestion.

    Jay crossed his arms in frustration. “Well, we’re not going to Solaceon Town, or whatever it’s called. That’s for sure.”

    “It’s called Solace Town. And we’re going there and not Silver,” Kelly growled, the spiked fur on her back bristling with electricity.

    “How about this town here? It’s far away from the border as well as Silver,” Leo recommended, tapping his claw against a small dot deep within the frontier lands of the Far Reach. Both Kelly and Jay stopped their bickering as they looked at him as if he had grown a third arm.

    “A-are you joking?! If you’re not, then you’re insane!” Jay shouted, as Leo jerked his claw off the map.

    “Leo, I’m sorry. Though I have to agree with Jay this time. We can’t go to … that town. No one goes there, not anymore,” Kelly said gravely.

    “What’s so bad about it?” Leo asked, wondering just what sort of place he had suggested they go.

    “Amnesia or not, you don’t forget the stories of Sawgrass Town. Nothing can erase those,” Jay said with a tone of finality. He quickly shifted the conversation.
    “That aside, we still have the question of which way to go. I still vote we go west to the coast...”

    “And I still say we go north. Leo, would you please back me here?” Kelly pleaded to the Charmeleon.

    “Leo, you gotta agree with me here. Or at the very least suggest something helpful,” Jay asked, trying to restore some of the camaraderie they’d lost only a few hours ago.

    Leo took a minute to study the weathered map lain across the ancient tree stump. Its rough depictions of mountains, rivers, cities, and territory boundaries all seemed to swirl into a mess of jagged black lines.

    After observing the areas where each of his teammates wanted to go, the solution he saw was so simple he wondered how it hadn’t even dawned on Jay or Kelly.

    “How about we head northwest? We’ll still be close to both areas and far from Loyalty. And when the time comes, we’ll decide which way looks better. We’re still in the middle of a forest that’s trying to kill us, so I’d like to leave it as soon as possible.”

    Leo wasn’t sure how Jay and Kelly ended up accepting his suggestion of going northwest, but they had, and that was all that mattered. Against Jay’s wishes, they split the last of their food—a single bruised apple—in what tried to pass itself off as a breakfast.

    Leo was sure that tempting his stomach with that morsel of food only made his hunger worse for the wear. Despite still being deprived of food and a decent night’s sleep, they had set off from the glade just after dawn.

    Under the dense treetops, the warmth of the sun was prevented from reaching the actual forest floor. The dew of the night before had accumulated on the trail, mixing with the layers of dead leaves and other refuse on the ground until it obtained the consistency of sludge and made a disgusting sloping noise with every footstep.

    If the mire that was the dungeon trail wasn’t bad enough, the temperature stubbornly refused to warm the forest below the treetops. This wouldn’t have affected Leo as much if it hadn’t chilled the mud, doubling the feeling of gloom that had settled over the group. Kelly had it worst of all, having to walk on all fours through the cold sludge.

    And so it remained for the next hour or so: walking, shivering, and occasionally complaining about the mud. When they finally saw the end of the trail and the clear field beyond, they simultaneously started to race towards it.

    Mud sprayed into the air as the team scrambled as fast as they could down the forest corridor. Despite tripping and sliding face first into the mud several times, Leo continued to run, ignoring the stinging sensation in his tail brought on by the mud.

    Once they had passed through the freezing spatial boundary of the of the dungeon, the team found themselves standing in a giant field of low grass. The sun, despite partially shielded by passing clouds, had never felt so good. Leo rested on his back in the grass, holding his tail off the ground to prevent a fire, and allowed the sun to warm his entire body. Leo could see Jay and Kelly both copying him, as they warmed themselves and brushed the drying mud off their bodies.

    Taking a deep breath, Leo sat up and surveyed the field. Fortunately, this field appeared to be nothing like the one he had first woke up in. Small birds chirped as they flew over the pasture, the wind blew normally, and, as far as he could tell, there were no Pokemon, either from the Kingdom or wild, trying the kill them.
    Unfortunately, this calm was shattered as a cheerful voice greeted them from the sky.

    “Hey! There you all are!” At once, they all looked up in bewilderment. A small moving spec in the sky suddenly started to circle downwards towards them. As it got closer to the ground, they could identify the bird’s brown feathers and red crest. Within a few seconds, the bird had landed in the middle of the team.

    “Thank Zapdos, I was able to find you all! Lucky you all came out of the forest when you did,” the bird chirped excitedly as Jay took a closer look at the Pidgeotto.

    “Wait a second … Icarus, is that you?” the Riolu asked, realization hitting him like a punch.

    “In the flesh,” he responded, unfurling his right wing and directed the group to a scar along it where the bone was giving proof of his identity. “Healed quite nicely after our little mishap in Spore Meadows, don’t ya think?”

    “What on earth are you doing here, Icarus? I thought you were busy with the military or otherwise engaged,” Kelly asked, trying to elicit some answers from their former client.

    “You were supposed to pay us back for rescuing you,” Jay added, making Icarus cringe with the memory.

    “Jay, shut up. Forget about that Icarus. Tell us, why were you looking for us?” Leo asked receiving a sharp glare from his team leader.

    “R-right. Anyways, after I left you all, I waited a few days for the healers to fix up my wing. Today was my second day back to work, actually. Yesterday I delivered a message to the army camped in the Bronze Valley---” Icarus rambled.

    “Today, Icarus. We kinda have to keep moving,” Jay snapped at the Bird Pokemon.

    Icarus flapped his wings once. “Alright, alright. I’m going. Right. Today I had to deliver a message to Gear. Something about potential recruits, I think,” he said, as Kelly immediately pressed him with questions.

    “Did you talk to him?! Why did he order us arrested?!” Icarus put up his wings, indicating to withhold her interrogation.

    “Please, wait a minute. I’m getting to that. Well, when I arrived his office to deliver the message, I found a Skarmory instead of him. Apparently this guy is the governor of the province,” Icarus explained.

    “Wait … we have a governor?” Jay asked, tilting his head in confusion.

    “ I know; it surprised me too. Anyways, that’s not the worst part. I looked at the walls and I saw scorch marks. A lot of them. And I couldn’t get the governor--- Richellie, Richylou, Ricardo--- whatever his name was, I couldn’t get him to tell me what happened to Gear. It was the deputy, Axis, I think, that told me what happened,” Icarus further elaborated, pausing for breath.

    “So, what happened?” Leo asked, even though he could already guess what happened to the kind Magnezone.

    Icarus bowed his head, as if dreading the news he was about to reveal.
    “He killed him. The governor killed him for not obeying orders. Apparently, there was a list of traitors, your team name was on it along with some others, and he refused to follow it. It was the governor who ordered the arrest, not Gear,” Icarus somberly informed the team.

    “He’s gone. He’s really gone,” Jay whispered in disbelief. Leo couldn’t believe it either. Gear had been the first Pokemon he met that somewhat supported him. He had helped him when he was lost and confused. Gear…

    “Well, I got outta there as fast as I could. I knew you lot weren’t evil Pokemon, much less traitors, so I went to find you. Your base was completely destroyed, burned to a crisp. But, I saw a squad of Magnemite still sweeping the area, so I knew you all had escaped,” the Pidgeotto explained.

    “I spent the last few hours circling above the forest before I saw you all in the field,” he said before continuing.
    “You know? You guys were really lucky you came out of the forest where you did. They’ve got patrols along the north and west of here.”

    At this both Jay and Kelly’s faces fell. Richelieu had wasted no time in making up for his squad’s failure the previous night. Wanted posters were already beginning to dot bulletin boards across the Between countryside.

    “Well, that throws a Blast Seed at our plans,” Jay grumbled, putting his paws behind his head in exasperation.

    “No kidding …” Kelly sighed in reluctant agreement.

    “Thanks, Icarus. You kept us from walking straight into two traps,” Leo said gratefully as he gave the bird a pat on the back.

    “You’re welcome. Anyways, it sounds like you all have no place to go, right?” Icarus asked, quickly hopping away from the Charmeleon.

    “That’s right,” Leo answered, “or unless they have any other ideas.” He jabbed a claw towards his teammates, who simply shook their heads.

    “That’s great! Actually, that’s really horrible, but it’s still great!” Icarus exclaimed, flapping his wings several times in excitement.

    “What the hell are you talking about?!” Jay demanded, as Icarus slowly gathered himself.

    “What I mean is that there’s a military encampment a few hours in this direction. The general there often turns a blind eye towards recruits if they have a record, so you all can go there,” Icarus explained, extending his wing down the dirt trail that cut across the field.

    More than slightly suspicious, Jay wasn’t about to believe a Pokemon that had conned them into rescuing him for free.
    “You’re serious, right? No tricks?”

    “None at all. I still owe you guys a favor, don’t I?” Icarus stated. His expression screamed of a longing to be absolved of his debt to the team.

    “Jay, I think we can trust him,” Leo said, turning towards Icarus before Jay could refuse.
    “We’d be grateful for a place to stay and be safe.” Despite his beak limiting his expressions somewhat, the tell-tale signs of a smile made its way across the Pidgeotto’s feathered face.

    “Excellent! I’ll fly ahead and let Torrent know you all are coming. Remember, it’s just straight ahead on this path. You should arrive there around sundown if you’re lucky,” Icarus reminded the group before flapping his wide wings several times and made his way into the air.

    After watching his flying form grow smaller and smaller until it disappeared altogether, the team gathered up their meager belongings and started, once again, down the path through the field.

    The lush field offered little cover from any direction save for the tall grasses still growing strong from the torrential summer rains that fed them. The almost noxious aroma of the thousands of grass buds and wild flowers clouded Leo’s head. His footsteps along the dry dirt made a hypnotic thudding noise that only made the trek feel longer.

    The late summer heat took its toll on the team as they trudged through the field. Leo wished that a well of water would appear alongside the path, or anything that could potentially quench his thirst. He thought it was a cruel working of fate that he was stuck in this body. Wanting nothing more to take a plunge into a lake, but also loathing the thought of having water splash onto him.

    His torpid trance was broken only occasionally when he, in his senseless state, stepped off a raised ledge and fell forward, usually giving the ground a nice impression of his face while doing so. Kelly and Jay seemed to have also been taken captive by the same mind-numbing trance as they continued plodding on, Kelly only weakly looking back at him and urging him to get up.

    The cycle continued: walk, heat, thirst, smell, trip, repeat. It was if some sick deity had cut out the same mile of field and made them walk the same stretch again and again for his own personal amusement. Leo shivered, even as the sun scorched his back, thinking of all his experiences in this world so far.

    While the Fields hadn’t actively tried to kill him, they had proved to be both emotionally as well as physically draining. It had truly acted like a dungeon. His luck had continued to go downhill from there when he was arrested and his subsequent first mission with them into Spore Fields.
    He’d very nearly been blasted into nothing if the badges had not reactivated when they had.

    It was then, in the infirmary … I first heard him, he realized as his feet momentarily stopped.
    He told me then to wake up and see past the corruption. The corruption … was he talking about this ‘governor’ person? Killing Gear? What that what he meant? Leo mused as his thoughts evolved, rapidly putting together the limited pieces he had to this complex puzzle.

    He told me that this would happen! He warned me about the Magnemite arresting that Golduck and the ambush by Nexus. He knew! The revelation hit him like a sack of particularly hard rocks. His feet continued to remain rooted to the spot as Kelly and Jay marched further ahead of him. His mind continued to race toward a conclusion that was nowhere in sight.

    And in the forest! He... the fire and ice … the voice … his voice. He told me not to leave again. Did he know something else, too? That thing was planning something and Leo knew it.

    Back at the base. That wasn’t me dodging or running. It was something else. It wasn’t me. It was him.

    “I was wondering when you would figure that bit out. I’m glad you have more functioning neurons than Nexus claimed you did.” The voice had come out of nowhere, and as Leo looked around the grassy field, it remained as invisible as the wind.

    Why? No other thought was so prevalent on his mind. The wind seemed to whip the reeds as the voice responded.

    “The how and why of my actions cannot be disclosed at this time due to … well … I’m really not at liberty to say. I have agreed to abide by certain … restrictions, barring my influence over you and some select others.”

    Who? Who else is going through this?! Leo’s thoughts screamed as the voice simply sighed in exasperation.

    “Once again, I am not at liberty to say. Now listen closely, Leo, I am asking --quite politely, I might add-- for one thing. Only one. I am currently … entangled in some rather pressing … matters concerning the ‘legality’ of this operation. All I ask is that you stay the course without needing an … intervention on my part. Can you do this, Leo?”

    “What’s in it for me if I accept?” he whispered, finally finding his voice again.

    “It seems that you’re looking to much into the illusion of free choice I have given you. But, if you must, I will limit my intrusions into your addled head if you comply. The longer you follow my directions, the less I will have to …. correct your actions. Do we have a deal?” the voice chuckled.

    “…Yes,” Leo croaked.

    “Wise choice, my friend. I will meet you up ahead...” With that haunting remark, the presence left, only the torrid sun and tall waves of grass remaining to remind Leo of what was still real. He looked ahead through the rippling grass at the two blue and yellow specks in the distance. He sighed as he found his feet again and began catching up to his teammates.




    Continued on next post.
    Last edited by Knightfall; 3rd November 2013 at 8:09 PM.

  9. #159
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default



    The sun had finally begun its fiery descent into the western horizon, painting the sky in vivid colors of fading blue, blazing orange, and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all.

    Jay had called for a break from walking sometime around noon, when the sun was at its hottest. Said “break” that included all three of them foraging among the brush for some edible berries and roots, a loud argument over which round blue berry was poisonous or not, and finally eating the berries that were decided to be non-lethal, and fortunately were.

    They were all tired and still caked with dirt from their escape from the forest. The military camp was nowhere in sight; even on top of a ridge nothing remotely resembling a camp could be seen for miles around. As the sun’s rays no longer provided enough light to see, they used Leo’s tail as a torch to guide them.
    The waning moon provided only a fraction of the light it did the night before, making determining their path difficult. The wind barely rustled the grass on both sides of them, causing an eerily haunting sound like the rattling cries of some primal beast.

    At first, Leo dismissed the sounds of the grass as the movement of the unblowing summer wind, but as it continued to follow them as they moved along, he increasingly grew paranoid that something was out there.

    The dry stalks of wild grass rattled against each other. Leo could have sworn that he detected the faintest hint of a shadow darting behind a clump of the plants. He strained his eyes, holding his tail in front of him as a flashlight of sorts to aid in his search.

    Jay and Kelly both halted behind him, sensing the same feeling of being watched. The grass seemed to suddenly cease all movement, causing the three fugitives to form a tight circle in the middle of the path. With only the small area that Leo’s tail lit up to effectively see, they remained silent, hoping to either confirm or deny the validity of being stalked.

    “Who’s out there?! We know you’re there!” Jay shouted at the mass of weeds surrounding them. No voice came forth to answer his demand, only a whisper of wind, and ---what sounded like--- the scurrying of feet over the dew-ridden soil.

    “I-I know you’re there! Show yourself!” Jay screamed again, his apparent confidence betrayed by a slight stutter.

    Against the unspoken arguments of his teammates, Jay stepped forward out of the small circle of flickering light that gave the illusion of safety. Leo held his breath as he waited for something horrible to happen, but nothing happened. Jay glanced around, scanning the grass for any hostile life. He turned around to signal that it was all clear. He never got that far.

    Almost as soon as his back was turned, a green tendril shot out from the thicket and snared the Riolu. It coiled around his legs, tripping him as he tried to walk back to his team. Jay’s cry of pain and confusion was cut off as the vine snapped back and dragged him into the thicket.

    Just as Leo braced himself to jump into the brush to rescue his leader, something hard and blunt slammed into the side of his head. He stumbled on the spot, his vision going white for a split second.

    He tried to turn around to face his attacker, but instead of an identity, he was greeted by another blow to the opposite side of his head. Before he could dizzily stagger a single step forward, a small black foot collided with his stomach. Leo doubled over wheezing, but not before the same black foot slammed into his ankles, knocking them out from under him.

    Leo couldn’t find the energy to tell his lungs to inhale. His entire body hurt from the swift beating it endured. His vision blurred and his lungs burned. He could see a blueish figure standing directly above him. The Pokemon snapped something in it’s paws and pressed it to Leo’s mouth and nose.

    His body was begging for air, but he knew he couldn’t breathe in whatever toxin his assailant had. Despite feeling weaker and weaker with every second without air, Leo tried to force the Pokemon off of him by swinging his claws vaguely in the attacker’s direction.

    The Pokemon over him grunted some curse and pressed harder with the toxic seed, but Leo couldn’t comprehend it. His body couldn’t take it anymore. Any notion of free will left him and basic survival instincts took over. Leo’s mouth opened and he gulped in a mouthful of air, dust from the seed intermixed within it.

    Instead of getting clearer, Leo’s vision grew even blurrier as the toxins dulled his senses and relaxed his muscles. Leo felt his eyelids droop lower and lower as weight was added to them. He couldn’t fight it any longer, the fatigue from the night before and earlier that day caught up with him in a single, finishing blow. Leo closed his eyes and allowed his body to drift off into drug induced slumber.



    “They are safe, for the time being. There is no need to worry about them at the moment. I’m afraid we have bigger … tribulations to take care of first, my liege. Seeing as you are rather … occupied at the moment. I see it in my duty to take on the role of arbiter in this conflict.”

    …...
    “I will do what I can when I must. For lasting peace.”


    End Chapter Nine



    Author’s Notes:

    As usual, I’d like to thank everyone who gave me advice on this while I wrote it, and my beta reader. My story would look very different if it wasn’t for you guys.

    This chapter truly marks the break with the first arc in my opinion. We’ll be seeing a new setting for the next set of chapters.
    We’ll also be seeing some new characters, as well as a reappearance of a few from chapters past.
    Now, I know that the section in the middle with the incoherent rambling doesn’t necessarily follow the rules of grammar, but it had to be like that.

    Well, I have mid-terms in the early part of January, so I’ll be occupied by those when the time comes, but rest assured that I plan on doing a lot of writing during my winter break.

    Thanks to everyone who has read this so far. Over 10,000 views, I can't believe it....

    Until next time, and Happy Holidays,

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 25th July 2013 at 12:01 AM.

  10. #160
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Between Nod and Terrafirma
    Posts
    388

    Default

    "they team found themselves standing" should be "the"

    "The the heat" one too many "the's"

    "Jay called a for abreak" one too many "a's"

    I wonder who took the group captive this time, unless it's the army guys they were gonna go meet anyway.
    Looking forward to chapter 10.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  11. #161
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Thanks man, I fixed them.

    Well, that's all part of the cliffhanger. You'll find out who ambushed Salient soon enough.

    Knightfall signing off...

  12. #162
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Arizona Bay
    Posts
    471

    Default

    I must say I'm spoiled for this to have been my first fic I gave a chance and read. You get better every time.

    I also see that you like to toy with your readers by giving them cliffhangers at the end of each chapter, I bet you enjoy that you lucky son of gun. I keeps them coming back too, which everybody likes.

    Now, are the characters based off of people you know? They seem real enough to be incarnations of real people.

    Keep it up, and I look forward to chapter ten.
    Nothing interesting here. Carry on.
    Author's Profile

  13. #163
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Really? This is the first fanfic you've read? Well, I must say I'm honored.

    Yeah, I do love my cliffhangers. Though they're there for a reason, and yeah, they keep people coming back.

    Actually, no. All characters have come from my head, though they might be influenced by video games and other media somewhat, I don't recall basing a character off of someone I personally know. Though I thank you for thinking they might be, I work hard to make my characters have a unique personality.

    Thanks, and hopefully that'll be up soon as I have winter break in a week.

    Knightfall signing off...

  14. #164
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    563

    Default

    A drink from Spinda’s would be nice. Something very strong …
    That made me lol. Is this the first time you mentioned this particular place? Because if so, kudos to you as it's very inventive

    “Meanwhile, the Kingdom is crumbling around us; a dying patient in a hospital. We cannot hope to save it without greater cooperation within the government,” he said, slowly rubbing his right scythe on his left.
    Nickolas narrowed his eyes Just where is he going with this? he wondered.
    Formatting issue there.

    and your tragic … loss, we have
    Are we talking about a certain Riolu, perhaps?

    He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes red with anger.
    That caused a little bit of confusion for me as you said he had red eyes already. To avoid being repetitive, or if needing a different way to describe them that would fit, you could say something like ", his eyes burning with anger"

    The memories did not subside until he felt the forceful shake of two small wings and the concerned voice of Wevan that broke him from the horrible slideshow.
    I felt like you did a good job describing his loss and grief in all the places above the portion I quoted. I could feel his loss there, and it was compounded even more by the fact that he's part of this dynasty that's lasted for so long; so not only is he dealing with his struggles through his kingdom, but he has to deal with the heavenly disappointment of all those that came before him. Nicely done

    A large Pokemon with a thick hide of purple complete with several pointed spikes stopped in front of his cell. He took his fist and slammed it against the bars.
    Aleck leaped backwards in fright, while the Nidoking let out a gruff laugh.
    Nidoking as prison cell guards? hmm, that seems familiar lmao

    Up to this point, I do somewhat feel like that the chapter so far has been way to dialogue driven. With Aleck and Nickolas, and the portion between their portions, I understand why you had to put so much, as you'e laying foundations and motives, but at the same time there is a point to where you're reading so many lines of dialogue that you almost forget what you're reading. That's where I'm at right now. You've done a good job expressing your points and getting the story moving, but keep in mind that line after line of dialogue can get a little tedious. You dig?

    “We’re still too close to Loyalty to consider ourselves out of the woods yet,” Jay stated again, Leo almost groaning at his pun.
    That read a little weird to me too. I would suggest taking out almost and just sticking with groaning. Paints a livelier picture

    A plan that would have worked if Leo hadn’t dozed off five minutes into his shift.
    Tut tut, that will never do. Kelly and Jay should beat him mercilessly

    Leo rested on his back in the grass, holding his tail off the ground to prevent a fire, and allowed the sun to warm his entire body.
    I love the fact that no matter what situation, you're always mindful about the physical characteristics of Leo. So many authors forget minute details like these, but you never do. Good job!

    The sun had finally begun its fiery descent into the western horizon, painting the sky in vivid colors of fading blue, blazing orange, and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all.
    I reread the quoted portion several times because I was slightly taken aback by how wonderfully wordy and descriptive it was. Nicely done with painting such a clear picture in my mind

    All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself throughout the chapter. There were a few words I would have tweaked here and there, and maybe scaled back a tiny bit on the heaps of dialogue, but other than that you did wonderfully. The ending left nothing to be desired, and I have to say that it really worked to amp me up for the next chapter. Good job

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  15. #165
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    205

    Default

    How to open this quick review... I'm confused. In a good way.

    Executive Order 47: “In the event any officer of the law becomes malcompliant with established royal doctrines, it is imperative that they be disposed of with extreme prejudice. They are to be imprisoned without the possibility of fair trial. Lethal force is granted for severe cases of insubordination. Regional governors have the responsibility of filling in the position within forty-eight hours from initial disposal.”
    They're pretty prepared. Or maybe it just happens a lot, who can say?

    [b] “You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”[/i]
    Something's missing there.

    “You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”
    He's everywhere, and he knows everything. I really want to know his motives and goals. But, we're a long time away from finding what they are, correct?

    “That’s great! Actually, that’s really horrible, but it’s still great!” Icarus exclaimed, flapping his wings several times in excitement.
    Haven't we all been in these types of situations?

    I'm still loving it. It's confusing as mystery contained in an enigma wrapped in a tuna roll, which simply sets up for something cool. This is one of the few fanfics that's captured my attention recently, and I always look foward to reading the latest chapter. Bravo, Knightfall.
    I have officially claimed Castform, The Master of all Weather!


    Monorpale is my favorite Gen 6 Pokemon so far. If you have a problem with it, you can talk to the tassel hand.

  16. #166
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Alright, reply time!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    That made me lol. Is this the first time you mentioned this particular place? Because if so, kudos to you as it's very inventive.
    It is this first time I've mentioned it. Though that character in the games makes drinks for a living, so it seemed reasonable that he could make something... stronger, if needed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Formatting issue there.
    I've been having that problem a lot lately, it seems. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Are we talking about a certain Riolu, perhaps?
    There's a good deal of things he could mean by that statement. If you recall, his wife was killed by Colonists, and his power is about to be degraded.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    That caused a little bit of confusion for me as you said he had red eyes already. To avoid being repetitive, or if needing a different way to describe them that would fit, you could say something like ", his eyes burning with anger"
    Ah, I see.Good point. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I felt like you did a good job describing his loss and grief in all the places above the portion I quoted. I could feel his loss there, and it was compounded even more by the fact that he's part of this dynasty that's lasted for so long; so not only is he dealing with his struggles through his kingdom, but he has to deal with the heavenly disappointment of all those that came before him. Nicely done
    Thanks, I've actually read a lot into the fall of monarchies, so I can imagine how it might feel quite vividly. His nation is facing internal collapse and civil war. Not a good combination. Even though it's dying, the final blow has yet to come.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Nidoking as prison cell guards? hmm, that seems familiar lmao
    Hmm, how about that? Great minds think alike after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Up to this point, I do somewhat feel like that the chapter so far has been way to dialogue driven. With Aleck and Nickolas, and the portion between their portions, I understand why you had to put so much, as you'e laying foundations and motives, but at the same time there is a point to where you're reading so many lines of dialogue that you almost forget what you're reading. That's where I'm at right now. You've done a good job expressing your points and getting the story moving, but keep in mind that line after line of dialogue can get a little tedious. You dig?
    I see what you're getting at. And I felt that way myself with this chapter, but next chapter I promise that things get done rather than talking.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    That read a little weird to me too. I would suggest taking out almost and just sticking with groaning. Paints a livelier picture
    I agree. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Tut tut, that will never do. Kelly and Jay should beat him mercilessly
    Heh, there will be plenty of time for that. Don't you worry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I love the fact that no matter what situation, you're always mindful about the physical characteristics of Leo. So many authors forget minute details like these, but you never do. Good job!
    I just can't get away from that tail of his can I?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I reread the quoted portion several times because I was slightly taken aback by how wonderfully wordy and descriptive it was. Nicely done with painting such a clear picture in my mind.
    Thank you. I quite liked it myself. Finally got a chance to use some vocabulary I learned in school. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself throughout the chapter. There were a few words I would have tweaked here and there, and maybe scaled back a tiny bit on the heaps of dialogue, but other than that you did wonderfully. The ending left nothing to be desired, and I have to say that it really worked to amp me up for the next chapter. Good job
    Glad you enjoyed it. And yes, I agree that the dialogue was a bit on the heavy side, but I'll fix that in the next chapter. The ending was rather a stir of the moment thing, but I'm glad I put it in. It ended the chapter quite nicely. Thanks again!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    How to open this quick review... I'm confused. In a good way.
    That means I'm doing my job right.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    They're pretty prepared. Or maybe it just happens a lot, who can say?
    They have contingency rules for everything. I'm not kidding in the slightest here, the bureaucratic freaks have been busy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Something's missing there.
    Argghh, broken code is going to be the death of me. Thanks for catching that, it's rather embarrassing.
    .
    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    He's everywhere, and he knows everything. I really want to know his motives and goals. But, we're a long time away from finding what they are, correct?
    Surprisingly, no. He does not know everything, he's just in the right place at the right time. You'll soon see just how much gets by him. And yeah, he's going to remain a mystery for a while.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    Haven't we all been in these types of situations?
    That's how I got the idea for the quote. It just fit perfectly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sound View Post
    I'm still loving it. It's confusing as mystery contained in an enigma wrapped in a tuna roll, which simply sets up for something cool. This is one of the few fanfics that's captured my attention recently, and I always look forward to reading the latest chapter. Bravo, Knightfall.
    This is sig material. Thank you. You have no idea how thankful I am for your comments. Seriously, it really helps. Thank you, and all of those who read this.

    Knightfall signing off...

  17. #167
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    886

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    He clutched a letter in his paw, careful not to accidently impale it on the boney spike also on his paw.
    Wording is awkward there. Maybe just "He clutched the letter, careful not to impale it on his paw's boney spike."

    Wevan simply nodded. “Very well. I will fetch him right away, sir.” With that, he waddled out the door, making sure to close it gently behind him.
    Nice touch on "waddling".

    “W-what?” Nickolas stuttered as he tried to process what had just happened. He couldn’t believe that the absolute power built up by his family over the course of three centuries was decimated within a minute and a half.
    I'm torn as to whether I LIKE the "minute and a half" bit because it juxtaposes well against the three centuries, or if I think it's a bit too silly sounding. I think it might be better as either "a few moments" or "ninety seconds". I am not sure, though.

    The disbelief gave way to absolute rage in one violent scream as Nickolas as he curled his right paw
    You have two "as he/as Nicholas" in the middle there.

    Then, the memories changed for the worse as his sobs increased. His father, coughing violently as the assassin’s poison ate through his veins. His father, lying on the cold marble floor as his advisors raced for help, whispered his final blessing and bestowing his son the crown with his last labored breath.
    Since you start two sentences here with "His father...", it might be more symmetrical if you continue on with it. Instead of "help, whispered his final...", you could say "His father, whispering his final blessing..." It seems more thematic to the paragraph that way.

    Wevan carefully removed his wings from his king’s back. “Thank the Legends, you’re alright …” the butler sighed in relief that his employer had not yet kicked the proverbial bucket.
    I don't think someone would refer to royalty that they work for as their "employer". Also, the end of this is a bit too comical given the mood of the scene.

    I ascended into the passages of the false knowledge with the wired heart. To prepare for the coming of the heroes of injustice.
    “You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”
    That I will see the sun again. One day. My mind will become clear once again. The heroes will allow me to.
    “You don’t understand… I have to stay. To guide them. Otherwise the world will burn.”

    I will be free.
    Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.

    Which, don't take to mean this wasn't well-written. It most certainly WAS, and I enjoyed reading it. There were two or three grammar errors or chunky phrases I blew past because I was enveloped in the segment. But it's starting to feel like I need a flow chart to keep a grasp on everything that's going on. Why can't I hold all these subplots, as it were.

    “Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.
    I like the feel on polytheism in that all the pokemon seem to herald a different legendary as their patron god, and they, of course, seem to be tied together by typings.

    “Do. Not. Insult. Me. Nod your oxygen-deprived head once if you understand. Otherwise you can permanently say goodbye to your motor functions.” Despite on the verge of passing out, Aleck managed to nod as per the voice’s instructions.
    I don't love the "oxygen-deprived" bit. It feels too... something. I don't know. I imagine this unseen foe to be more in favor of harsh brevity than random adjectives.

    His entire body felt as stiff as a board and sore. This was to be expected from sleeping on a patch of particularly uncomfortable dirt. He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like someone poured itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off.
    Take out the "someone poured" bit. Just "they acted like itching powder on his skin..."

    “Wait a second … Icarus, is that you?” the Riolu asked, realization hitting him like a punch.
    I would think pokemon would recognize each other more readily than this, but perhaps the sun was in Jay's eyes at first.

    The late summer heat took its toll on the team as they trudged through the field. Leo wished that a well of water would appear alongside the path, or anything that could potentially quench his thirst. He thought it was a cruel working of fate that he was stuck in this body. Wanting nothing more to take a plunge into a lake, but also loathing the thought of having water splash onto him.
    Very nice detail.


    Like I said, my major thoughtline here is that there is SO MUCH going on. I know war and rebellion and the history of a realm is hardly one-dimensional, but I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything and everyone.

    I imagine--and I might be wrong, but I bet I'm not--that you have an absolute ton of graphs and charts and documents about everything going on in this world. I'd love to see them sometime after it's over. I always need to get better at that. I tend to keep everything in my head, but then my long-term continuity goes to heck quite often. Heh.


    Sid87's Gen 6 Igloo Shop!

    FC: 3823-9867-2750

  18. #168
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Salvage Springs, Telmani
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.
    The Restoration of Time he keeps referring to is the series of events played out in PMD Time/Darkness/Sky.
    Similarly, the Falling Star Incident was the events of PMD Blue/Red Rescue Team.
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 22% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  19. #169
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I'm torn as to whether I LIKE the "minute and a half" bit because it juxtaposes well against the three centuries, or if I think it's a bit too silly sounding. I think it might be better as either "a few moments" or "ninety seconds". I am not sure, though.
    I went with the ninety seconds. It seemed to fit better while retaining the contrast.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    You have two "as he/as Nicholas" in the middle there.
    Really? That's annoying. Fixed. Must have been left over from my edits.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Since you start two sentences here with "His father...", it might be more symmetrical if you continue on with it. Instead of "help, whispered his final...", you could say "His father, whispering his final blessing..." It seems more thematic to the paragraph that way.
    I agree. I was having trouble with that line earlier as well. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I don't think someone would refer to royalty that they work for as their "employer". Also, the end of this is a bit too comical given the mood of the scene.
    True, and it has been changed. And the ending wasn't meant to be comical, but rather something Wevan, as a butler who has served Nickolas for a long time, would do to help the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.
    Well, it's supposed to be from the perspective of a schizophrenic, thus explaining the sudden shifts of POV and inane dialogue.

    I plan on making this a multiple story series, though each story is going to be long, regardless.
    Well, it's only Chapter Ten, mind you. It's not a mystery exactly, just another piece of a puzzle. And as Brutaka said above me, the Restoration of Time/Time Gear Crisis and the Falling Star Incident are actual events from the games, so unless you played them, they might be hard to understand just what they were.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Which, don't take to mean this wasn't well-written. It most certainly WAS, and I enjoyed reading it. There were two or three grammar errors or chunky phrases I blew past because I was enveloped in the segment. But it's starting to feel like I need a flow chart to keep a grasp on everything that's going on. Why can't I hold all these subplots, as it were.
    Well, I'm glad it was mostly grammatically correct. I focused on making the scene and not so much proper formatting. I'd like to see the flow chart you produce compared to mine.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I like the feel on polytheism in that all the pokemon seem to herald a different legendary as their patron god, and they, of course, seem to be tied together by typings.
    Thanks, I actually saw the aspect of Legendary worship in another PMD story and I only expanded the idea. With all the Legendaries available,
    it's no surprise that many Pokemon worship different Legends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I don't love the "oxygen-deprived" bit. It feels too... something. I don't know. I imagine this unseen foe to be more in favor of harsh brevity than random adjectives.
    Agreed, and fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I would think pokemon would recognize each other more readily than this, but perhaps the sun was in Jay's eyes at first.
    Well, there's more than one Pidgeotto in the world. And yeah, the sun and all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    Like I said, my major thoughtline here is that there is SO MUCH going on. I know war and rebellion and the history of a realm is hardly one-dimensional, but I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything and everyone.
    I know it's a lot. This is my first project and so I've put so much thought into it, history and all. And it's only going to get worse before it get's better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    I imagine--and I might be wrong, but I bet I'm not--that you have an absolute ton of graphs and charts and documents about everything going on in this world. I'd love to see them sometime after it's over. I always need to get better at that. I tend to keep everything in my head, but then my long-term continuity goes to heck quite often. Heh.
    You're pretty close. I actually need to revise some of my storyboard doc since some ideas are a little outdated. Heh, maybe when it's over, I'll send 'em to ya for kicks.

    Major thanks for the review, this story wouldn't be nearly as good without your advise. I can't get my review of your latest chapter done until next week as I'm visiting family. It'll be done as soon as possible.

    Knightfall signing off...

  20. #170
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Salvage Springs, Telmani
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Well, there's more than one Pidgeotto in the world. And yeah, the sun and all.
    My opinion on that is that perhaps Leo couldn't distinguish between members of the same species, but all natural born Pokemon would. In fact, I'd say that Pokemon would probably have a hard time distinguishing different humans apart.
    ~Author's Profile ||~|| <Fly High Graphics> ~
    ~rTTL: Chapter 3: 22% ||~|~|~|| rAVT : Chapter 2: 0%~



  21. #171
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default Chapter Ten

    Chapter Ten: Memory


    ” Did you know that the average Grass Type needs approximately seven to nine hours of sunlight per day to maintain healthy cognitive functionality? I found that fact interesting. Tell me, how long have you been trapped here? Weeks? Months? Regardless, your head must be doing torturous things to you. Why not come out of there and you’ll see. None of this is real.”
    [Time and Date Redacted]




    Axis slowly floated down the deserted street of Loyalty; the squad of four Magnemite buzzing excitedly behind him at the prospect of yet another arrest. The deputy scanned the rows of dwellings that lined the main road; the newly mandated curfew had to be enforced.

    Forty-eight hours had not yet passed since Gear’s disposal, and Richelieu had already laid the foundation for a totalitarian state in which he was the dictator. This is only the beginning if the plans I saw on his desk were true, the deputy thought.

    The units chattered among themselves as the last of the sun’s rays disappeared from the sky, officially marking the beginning of the mandated blackout that lasted until dawn. Axis switched on his built in searchlights. The lower ranked officers switched on their lights following Axis’s example; their beams sweeping the seemingly empty street for violators of the new rule.

    Despite putting on an act for the governor and the traitors, he was forced to call comrades. He sincerely hoped that they didn’t come across an unfortunate soul who failed to make the deadline of sunset. The beams of light flashed across the stone buildings and dark alleyways, almost as if they could chase the darkness away to reveal a treasure of some sobbing citizen to arrest.

    The moon was obscured by a large bank of clouds, blocking its natural light and making the Square seem even more like an abandoned city than the bustling marketplace it was. Hovering across the open area of the market square, Axis and his squad turned down the right hand road and off into the major residential district.

    Axis couldn’t help but think of the possible reasoning behind Richelieu’s plans. Control was the obvious answer, but he knew something else was lurking behind that. Some unseen motive that was almost certainly detrimental to the majority of the populace of the town. Shaking away the thoughts, he refocused himself on the task at hand. His orders from the Skarmory had been little more than to patrol the streets.

    They didn’t get any kill lists anymore, though the lack of specific targets --whether true felons or falsely accused-- essentially made every citizen within the town a target. The Magneton shined his light behind the countertops of the wooden stalls, occasionally flashing his light quickly, trying to send a warning signal to any citizens not yet indoors.

    Focused as he was in his thoughts of the future, the deputy immediately snapped to attention when the sound of clattering metal reached his sensors. Twisting around in the air, his beam instantly centered on a small feline figure frozen in fear. Axis scanned the Pokemon within the same instant; his three cores searching the town census database for an identity.

    The overly curly tail and predominantly grey fur marked it as a Glameow, and the monthly census narrowed down the identity to two individuals, one of whom had recently been gravely injured in a dungeoneering incident.

    Arianna Glameow: 17 years of age. Citizen since birth. Record: none, Axis determined, his database ninety-nine percent sure of positive identification. The Glameow remained motionless against the stone wall of the house, a small metal plate with various fruits lay forlorn on the ground directly underneath her. Only the telltale signs of her extremely shallow breathing revealed she still had a pulse.

    Her sharp, blue eyes darted from side to side looking for any possible escape route, but finding none that looked promising. Before he could make a formal declaration of arrest, Axis heard the fine-tuned whirring noise from the squad behind him that signaled only one thing. Axis spun around to face the Magnemite who were charging up for a debilitating stun attack.

    “ZzT! Wait! Don-!” he screeched in vain as eight separate spheres of lightning shot by him, superheating the air surrounding the protesting deputy for an instant. The thief’s shriek of terror was quickly replaced by pitiful whimpering and the odor he analyzed as charred fur. Unable to turn around and face the grievously burned and paralyzed female, Axis floated in stunned horror.

    His cores shouted out to him the numerous laws and statutes his officers demolished within ten seconds, but he couldn’t comprehend any of it at the moment. Almost subconsciously he slowly willed his magnets to turn his hovering body to face the injured Pokemon.

    What he saw caused his cores to short-circuit. Arianna’s grey fur was now peppered with small circular bald spots, each one angry red and sizzling slightly. Tears leaked from her eyes as she bit her lip in an effort to not show weakness to the guards by crying.

    Axis was roughly suddenly pushed aside by two of the Magnemites. The Magneton’s speakers failed him as he watched the two brutes each clamp one their magnets over her forearms. Her repressed whimpers turned into screams of agony as the two started to drag her over the cobblestones in the road.

    “I’m so sorry...” he buzzed softly as the thief’s screams faded away as she fell into the abyss of unconsciousness.

    I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, he repeated in his mind; the words sounding more and more hollow every time he said them.



    Leo never felt so free, so exhilaratingly alive --and so curious-- as he ran through the concrete corridor. The flatlights plastered on the ceiling and walls giving the hallway a clinical feel to it as it lit the area with a stark, white light.

    Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Immediately cancelling his forward momentum, he slowed to a stop; his well-worn shoes skidding to across the gritty stone floor to stop at a glass window embedded in the wall.

    Standing on the tips of his feet, he was able to see down through the glass into the vast room below. Labyrinths of wires and piping began from unseen generators, ran dizzily across the walls, and ended in a tangled jungle on the floor. Over the covering of wires, pipes, and machinery worked several men in lab coats no longer white from repeated stains of sweat, electrical burns, and grime from the machinery.

    In the center of the chamber stood an enormous machine of unknown purpose. It stretched from floor to ceiling with wires connecting to it at every possible point. Beneath the machine, under metal grate, a set of wide, metal fan blades sat motionless. Over it, a set of three electrical arrays pointed down from three dirtied, steel arms on the ceiling; each matched up with a receiver at the base of the machine.

    Aside from the giant contraption, Leo was fascinated by the dozen men who, despite the chaos, managed to continue working and make progress. He watched wide-eyed from his perch above them as they shouted calculations and directions at each other as they prepared the gargantuan machine in the center of the room for launch. Fortunately for him, there was an air duct grate nearby through which he could hear snatches of the scientist’s commands.

    “-- the signal is fading, we have to hurry before it’s gone.”

    “-- up to ninety percent. Be sure not to overload it.”

    “--must account for the temporal differences.”

    He didn’t understand any of their jargon, but he knew they were gearing up for something big. He watched as three of the men pressed sequences of buttons on the many keyboards littered around the lab. Giant mechanical arms lifted the final wires into place, connecting the machine with the power source.

    Scientists gathered around the three computer stations spaced about the room around the colossal apparatus in the center of the chamber. Their fingers flew across the keyboards in order to bring life to the metal structure.

    “-- start the rotors. Bring the power level to eighty-four point two percent exactly. Easy now, don’t damage anything. We don’t want a repeat of yesterday.”
    “-- charge each of the arrays oppositely. The ensuing collision will--”

    The wires hummed excitedly as precious electricity flowed through them into the machine. The metal blades at the base of the experiment began to rotate with an almighty shudder that knocked Leo to the floor. Their joints and connectors screeched loudly in protest of movement as they shifted into position.

    As Leo picked himself off the floor, he again peered through the window. The steel blades were spinning rapidly, much to the anticipation of the science team. Leo only heard snippets of their orders above the buffered air coming off the spinning blades.

    “--reroute power from auxiliary generators if you absolutely have to. Be sure to--”

    “--the system can’t operate on that level for longer than--”

    “-- override protocol. We have to try this while the signal is still receivable. Otherwise--

    The gargantuan machine shuddered as electricity danced among its slowly spinning arrays, bright beams of raw positively-charged power aligning with the negatively-charged receivers. This collision of polar opposites forced the beams to reflect off each other, making them seem to race about the open center core of the experiment.

    “--predictable results so far. Power on the magnetic field; prepare for impact!”

    The reinforced glass of the observation window vibrated with the shaking of the experiment. Leo watched in awe as the erratic beams were suddenly compressed into a small electrified sphere, even as the facility shook from the tremor resulting from the activation.

    “--align the signal coordinates. Quickly! Before it’s--”

    The scientists seemed to be swarming their computer stations like ants, each either typing madly, or making minute adjustments on electrical power levels. The small sphere of confined electricity seemed to ripple and slowly expand as it was held in place by the magnetic pulses. Leo pressed his face against the glass, his breath fogging up the window slightly as he hoped to see whatever was going to happen in the core.

    The core of compressed energy glowed as it suddenly expanded to fill the entire open space between the top and bottom of the machine. Leo’s eyes widened as colors began to bleed into the white center of the core, turning it into a canvas of superheated plasma. He could see distinct hues of green and blue congregate at the top and bottom of the core, forming fields of emerald grass and limitless skies of some uncursed world.

    “--trace the signal! This is it! We’ve got it! We’ve--”

    A violent tremor suddenly rattled the chamber; the machine began to spark as the core misaligned. The picturesque field was torn apart and replaced with the golden sands of a barren desert.

    “-- lost the signal! It’s beginning to--”

    The arrays started to spew forth lightning as the world within the core altered once again, this time becoming a molten red volcano. Leo could feel the heat radiating through the window an entire floor above.

    “--attempting shutdown! It’s not--it’s not shutting down! The system’s--”

    The room began to quake as the tremors continued to erupt from the malfunctioning experiment.
    Green fields, stormy oceans, mysterious glowing orbs within a night sky, vast clouded mountains, and blue skies all flashed briefly in the center core before vanishing as quickly as they had come. Leo was entranced by the images; all of them far more vivid than anything he’d heard of before in legends.

    It only remained for a split second, but a single image was burned into his thoughts forever. A shimmering veil of sky dotted with pure white clouds. In the middle of it, a vast glowing orb, far brighter than anything Leo had ever seen before. Leo shielded his eyes from the intense brightness of the oddity.

    He blinked once and the picture was gone. In its place a peaceful looking mountain range and valleys, the strange orb still floated in the sky far above the pinnacles of the peaks. Just as he grew accustomed to the strange thing in the atmosphere, he heard the yells of the science team once more.

    “--shut off the power! We can’t take much more of this!”

    “--data is irretrievable! We can't!"

    “Do it!”

    Leo wanted to see more; he had to. He had only glimpsed the tiniest ray of something spoken in myths. The sphere that floated loftily in the heavens was direct proof that there was more to the legends and rumors. That somewhere there was more than perpetual dull skies. Something greater than a still sea. Something with more life than the dying land. Something that promised freedom to whoever was courageous enough to reach through and grab it.

    “-- data! We can’t! Not until we get a proper reading!”

    “-- I say. Shut. It. Down.”

    Leo pressed his hands against the glass in protest. He couldn’t let these visions of paradise be torn away from him. He slammed his fists into the window, ignoring the stinging pain from the resulting impact. He could only watch in stunned horror as two men in the lab dashed to opposite walls on each side of the room where levers controlling the current were placed. They each grabbed a lever, and even as the machine shuddered once more, they pulled down.

    Leo’s world then turned pitch black.



    Kelly would never forgive them. She didn’t care what they said in their letters to her; dried ink failed to compare to actually hearing their apologies in real life. They had abandoned her. Left her completely alone. All to pursue a political faction that meant more to them than she did.

    She had spent enough tears over them. She had to learn to adapt and survive. To fend for herself against the odds, even if it meant forming a rescue team with a Riolu she met in order to scrape together a pitiful excuse for a living.

    She could almost see her father sitting in front of her. His black fur contrasting with the dim yellow rings circling his body.

    “We love you, Kel. We did what we did because--”, his soft voice cracked, before she interrupted. “No! I don’t want to hear you!”

    “Kelly, please listen. I only want to--” he started to say before being cut off by his daughter.
    “No. Not anymore.”

    The Umbreon simply closed his eyes and sighed. He looked back up at his daughter, tears forming in the inner corners of his eyes. Kelly wasn’t moved in the slightest. She returned his pleading gaze with a stare colder than ice. Out of the mists came another figure on all fours. Kelly tried to keep her face stern as she saw the pink-furred Pokemon sit down next to her father.

    “Mom,” Kelly said, barely containing a sniffle as she acknowledged the older Espeon’s entrance.

    ”We did what we did. Nothing other than Dialga can change that fact. We only wanted--”
    she explained, her voice oddly soothing to Kelly. It had been a long time since she’d heard either of them, but comfort wasn’t enough.

    “It’s what you wanted?! You wanted to leave me?! For the Colonies?! You wanted this?!”
    Kelly screamed at her parent’s illusions, her voice strained.
    Her mother ignored her outburst and walked forward to her daughter. She placed her paw on Kelly’s shoulder, causing the wayward daughter to wince slightly. She saw her mother’s paw on her fur, yet couldn’t feel it. She saw her mother’s head lean into her, rubbing affectionately against neck, yet the touch was not felt by Kelly.
    ”We left in hopes that we would return within a week. You can see that didn’t work out.” she said, pressing her head against her daughter’s. ”You have no idea how lost we felt without without you with us. We missed you so much. We missed you, Kelly.”

    Kelly couldn’t take it anymore, she took a deep break before letting out a soft sob. Her sobs grew closer together as she cried into her mother’s intangible embrace. Her entire body shaking as she gasped for breath amid her breakdown. Eventually, she gathered herself once again. She raised her head to look around, only to find that her parents had vanished from her sight.

    “M-mom? Dad? Where are you?! Where did you go?!” Kelly asked the empty space around her, beginning to panic as she shifted her gaze to every possible direction. The misty void around her began to shudder and shake, forcing Kelly to dig her claws into the ground to avoid being tossed around like a child’s toy.

    ”Why do you hate us, Kelly? Do you realize how much it hurts us to hear you say those nasty things?” her father’s disembodied voice rang out through the void. Each resounding echo growing in intensity rather than fading. Kelly only squeezed her eyes tighter and she clung to the ground even harder as the tremors worsened.

    ”Kelly, I will only ask one more time: why do you hate us?” her father asked, his voice icy and emotionless, contrasting sharply from what Kelly previously heard. Kelly bit her lip to keep from letting the words affect her.

    ”Tell me! Why do you hate us?!” the void screamed at her in her father’s voice, the sound-waves rattling the foundations of the ground. Kelly let out a weak scream as the ground violently lurched forward, tearing her claws from the floor.

    “I-I don’t know...” she whimpered as the demented voices of her parents tormented her further.
    She pressed her front paws to her ears even as her body was slammed repeatedly against the quaking earth. She ignored the pain, but failed to block out the voices.

    ”You ungrateful, useless, excuse of a daughter. We cared, sheltered, and nurtured you your entire life, and when we are held up against our will, you turn on us? We should have left you a long time ago!” This time is was her mother’s voice, shrill and distorted, that berated her. Every hateful word Kelly heard broke her resolve down. She couldn’t believe that her parents could share the hate she reserved for them.

    Tears began to well up in her eyes as her parent’s voices tortured her mind. She failed to see that the ground started to crumble and fall into darkness. Blinded by tears, she tried to run across the falling void; she stumbled more than once on the heaving ground, skidding over the sharp fragments of floor.

    She yelped as she felt her bruised hind legs fall through the floor into nothingness. She clung with all her strength onto the bit of stable ground in front of her, trying to avoid the abyss that awaited her like a hungry predator.

    ”You said you hated us! You wanted us gone! You turned on us, your parents! the voice, now an unholy amalgamation of both her mother and her father, screeched at Kelly as her grip began to fail her.

    The abyss growled in irritation, it’s deep tone rattling the ground and weakening her grip on the frail patch of stone she clung to in fear. She grunted as she tried to pull herself up, her back legs flailing around in the open air beneath the cliff as she tried to gain leverage.

    The chasm of her nightmare, fed up with waiting, roared with another tremor that shook the entire void. Dust and mist clouded Kelly’s vision, making her eyes sting and throat burn as she had no choice to breath the dirtied air in. Her arms were burning with fatigue as she tried to resist the abyss’s attempts to swallow her whole.

    The bottomless chasm roared again, demanding her immediate surrender. Despite the pain and exhaustion, she refused to give into the void’s desires. She never submitted before, and she wouldn’t now. Nothing would make her, not the void, not the quake, nothing.

    ”You are not our daughter. Not anymore. Get out,” the voice coldly ordered. The mist seemed to channel its tone as its icy embrace wrapped around the Jolteon. Kelly shivered as the chill pressed from all sides. Her claws slipped a few precious inches closer to the edge, making a shrill screech along the floor. The broken stone slicing into the pads of her paws, making small smears of blood appear along the rock.

    ”Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! the invisible voice screamed. That was the final straw for Kelly. Her bloodied claws reached the edge of the cliff with nowhere else to go besides down. She pulled her head up one last time before her grip failed, her tears staining the yellow fur on her face.

    “I’m sorry,” she whispered weakly before her claws broke through the thin layer of rock. The abyss screeched in triumph and hungrily opened its maw wide to receive her.



    Jay panted in exhaustion as he set down the final sack of seed. The sun was starting its nightly journey into the western horizon, signaling the end of the day. Jay checked his surroundings before leaving. The wooden structure his family used to store grain seemed secure enough, and the gates into the fields were all shut tight.

    He tried to whistle a tune he had heard earlier that week in Silver’s trading market as he walked back to his family’s small dwelling. The talent was not his forte and the original jaunty tune of the song was butchered by the Riolu’s sad attempt to recreate it.

    Jay stopped along the dirt road when a silhouette of two Pokemon appeared on the darkening horizon. They were coming from the capital. Jay knew exactly who they were. Their loud talking and clanking armor plates made them out to be guards of the city. Taking a deep breath, he jogged a little faster along the road, hoping to keep ahead of them. He suddenly wished that his family’s home was a lot closer to Silver.

    The guards’ conversation seemed to get louder as they somehow seemed to get closer to him, despite his efforts to outrun them. As quick as lightning, a beige feline Pokemon sprinted past him and quickly turned around, blocking his path. Jay dug his paws into the dirt as he attempted to stop. The marauder was a large cat that he’d run into before and known by name.

    “Felix,” the Riolu huffed, glaring at the guard. The Pokemon cracked a shrewd smile, showing off his sharp teeth at the same time. He moved his head to look down on Jay, the ruby red gem embedded on his forehead glinted in the fading sunlight.

    “Farm filth, it’s been a time since we last talked, hasn’t it?” the Persian sneered. The guard slowly circled Jay, the metal plate armor on his long back clinking with every careful movement of his legs.

    “Hmph, I don’t need to talk to you lot. You’ve already got this month’s taxes from us,” Jay said, stubbornly crossing his arms. The Persian stopped his circling and stared directly at the Riolu, his red eyes boring virtual holes into Jay.

    “You’re joking. You’ve gotta be kidding me right now!” Felix exclaimed, the faint beginnings of a laugh easing their way into his words. “Come here, you lot! You guys won’t believe this,” he called behind Jay. Jay whirled around to find that the group of guards now significantly closer.

    “Felix? What’sss thisss ssstreet rat prattling on about thisss time?” a long snake-like Pokemon asked, its black and gold form slithering around behind Jay and hissing in the Riolu’s ear. Jay gulped as he heard the Seviper’s poison-laced blade swish through the air and come to a rest, far too close to his throat for comfort.

    “Apparently,” Felix said, placing a paw on Jay’s head while the Seviper guard held him in place with the threat his blade. “Our ‘friend’ here doesn’t know the news yet! Can you believe that?!”

    The Seviper lowered his head to Jay’s level. “Really? Doesss our friend really not know the newssss?” he asked incredulously, flicking his forked tongue out quickly. Jay struggled against the snake Pokemon, trying to squirm free without slicing his neck on the precariously positioned blade.
    “What are you two idiots talking about? What news?” Jay growled, letting every ounce of hatred for the two Pokemon seep into his words.

    Felix raised his paw and boxed the side of Jay’s head. “Watch your mouth, dog.” he spat. He backed off and took a deep breath as he calmed himself down. “Well, it appears that your dear father owes the Kingdom quite a bit of money. His taxes have been short these last few collections,”

    “No! You’re lying! I saw him pay them myself! They were paid in full!” Jay countered, only earning yet another threatening glare from the Seviper. Felix and the Seviper looked silently at each other for a second before both bursting into laughter.

    “Y-you really-- haha --- think he paid in full? Oh Arceus alive, you’ve got to be kidding me right now! We wouldn’t be on our way to arrest him if that were the case, now would we?” Felix asked with a sinister chuckle.

    “What?! No!” Jay screamed as he ducked underneath the Seviper’s blade and coils. He bent his legs and jumped up towards the Persian, arms outstretched. He hit the guard around his neck and tackled him into the dirt. Jay only saw red, slightly different shades of red, and more red. The Kingdom had taken nearly everything we’ve earned, and now they had the gall to accuse us of not paying enough? he thought angrily as he raised his arm.

    Felix had barely time to register what had happened before Jay’s fist collided with the side of the Persian’s head. Not thinking of the consequences, he raised his arm again for another blow, yet he never completed the swing. The Seviper’s tail reached around, wrapped around the Riolu tightly, and pulled him away from his comrade on the ground.

    Felix coughed as he dizzily pushed himself up, Jay could see that unless he broke free immediately, life about to get much worse for him. He struggled against the snake Pokemon, trying to free his arms from the merciless coils, but to no avail.

    “Let’s go, we’ve got a job to do. Deal with the runt and let’s get on with it,” Felix growled, trying to keep his claws from violently disemboweling the Riolu.

    “No! No! No! You can’t!” Jay screamed, kicking vainly against the Seviper’s tightening coil.

    “Give him a small dose of poison. That’ll shut him up for a few hours while we finish up this job. We can come back for him later,” the Persian ordered as Jay tried even harder to push against his captor’s bonds. The Seviper nodded to the other guard and raised the blade on his tail. Acidic drops of sickly purple fluid dripped from the point of the blade.

    Before Jay could react, the Seviper brought the tip of the blade to Jay’s left arm and dug it into the flesh. Jay screamed in agony as the blade swiftly exited the wound, leaving several drops of potent poison in his opened bloodstream. Jay’s screams suddenly quieted down as all feeling in his arm vanished, replaced by a slight tingling feeling.

    He tried to look up at the two guards, but their faces seemed stretched and distorted beyond recognition. He heard them talking, but their indistinct words seemed to be spoken through a film of water. His arms and legs relaxed and suddenly; he wasn’t concerned about that fact that the guards were on their way to ruin everything. He couldn’t have cared even if he tried. His senses drained from his head as the poison shut every inch of his body down.



    Hours Later


    Kingdom Army Camp: New Rain: Northern Division

    “That’s enough, Leaf. I know it wasn’t your idea. You are excused from this meeting,” said a large light blue reptile as he motioned for the small creature with a large pink flower bulb on its back to leave the tent. The Ivysaur nodded and quickly left, brushing aside the flaps of the tent. The large blue Pokemon then turned towards them, setting his enormous jaw to as close to a frown as he could possibly manage.

    Leo looked around the tent. It wasn’t the largest of the cloth structures he’d seen today, but it was spacious enough to fit the Pokemon Jay called a Feraligatr with reasonable comfort. Aside from a small, roughly cut wooden desk and a few wide segments of logs that served as seats, there was nothing of seemingly any real value inside the tent.

    He looked to his left. Jay and Kelly both sat on a stump and on the ground, respectively. Both were trying and failing miserably to hide their fatigue evident by their dull expressions and occasional yawn. To his right, though, was a stranger. His skin was about the same light blue as the Feraligatr’s, but that was where the similarities ended. In contrast to the large stature the general of the camp possessed, he was about as tall as Leo. The fin on the back of his head, his webbed feet, and rounded black tail indicated that he was a Water Type, yet another reason why Leo felt uncomfortable sitting so close to him.

    The stranger glanced at him for a split second before looking away; going back to his task of feeling the sharp edge of his two schlops he carried with him. The Dewott -- or at least, that’s the name Leo heard the Feraligatr yell when he summoned him-- didn’t seem the least bit concerned that the general was glaring straight at him with enough intensity to ignite fires.

    While the Feraligatr seemed to be putting his thoughts together, Leo took the time to put his own thoughts together. The last thing he clearly remembered before waking up on a piece of cloth that smelled like rotten fruit next to Jay and Kelly was that they were ambushed somewhere in the fields by a group of Pokemon.

    After awakening from their drugged slumber, they were immediately marched through the camp to this tent. Along the way, Leo saw quite a few Pokemon either moving wooden crates into piles or practicing their attacks in a sparring ring, a simply drawn circle in the dirt. Pokemon with natural spines and scales seemed to be a staple of the camp, nearly everyone Leo saw has some type of armor or appendage that could be used for fighting purposes.

    With a loud cough from the Feraligatr, Leo’s wandering thoughts were brought back to the present as the general finally seemed ready to speak to them.

    “Riolu, you and your team are the least of my concerns at the moment. I will deal with you all after Noah here,” the general announced, causing Jay to exhale a sigh of relief.
    The Feraligatr turned towards the Dewott, who acknowledged the general with nod of his head before returning to his shells.

    “Tell me, Noah. What exactly were you thinking last night? I want to know what went through your head that made you lead an attack on this team,” the general asked, his gruff voice striking fear into Leo despite not being spoken to at the moment. The blue otter looked up at the irritated Pokemon and raised an furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

    “I was simply carrying out the orders you gave me at the beginning of my watch. It was from those orders that I gained the idea of detaining these civilians who very nearly walked onto Kingdom property without authorization. That’s what I was thinking, General Torrent, sir,” Noah said calmly as he continued to sharpen his shells. Torrent groaned as he rubbed the sides of his head in annoyance. Leo had a feeling that this conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere.

    “Noah, my orders said to patrol the camp and alert me if there were trespassers, not attack and knock out the first civilians you saw!” Torrent exclaimed, his impressive jaw mere feet from the Dewott’s face. Noah slowly took his black paw and wiped several small droplets of Torrent’s saliva off his face before answering.

    “Frankly sir, you never clarified what to do with intruders, so I interpreted it in my own fashion and acted accordingly. I was only thinking of the security of this camp, sir. Who knows what these Pokemon might have done if I hadn’t detained them?” Noah replied, the natural air of tranquility around him not punctured by Torrent’s irritation in the slightest. The Dewott looked over at the confused team. “No offense, you guys,” he quickly added.

    “What do you mean I never clarified my orders? I explicitly told you what and what not to do while on watch! I never told you to use Sleep Seeds of all things! Don’t you know how potent they are raw? I swear, I’ve met rocks more apt to follow orders then you!” Torrent yelled.

    “I would very much like to meet those rocks, sir. Perhaps they can teach me a lesson in humility, sir,” Noah responded in as serious of a tone Leo thought impossible to reach. Torrent stood and stared at the Dewott for a moment, not knowing what exactly to make of the statement.

    “Just shut up for now, Noah. I can’t talk to you anymore. The camp healer says it’s bad for my health to hold a direct conversation with you for more than two minutes at a time. So, just stay there and stay quiet while I deal with our guests,” he said, choosing to ignore the recruit until later. He turned to the other side of the room where Jay and Kelly were seated. Leo watched as his colossal stature towered over him.

    “So, despite what Noah here says about you lot, I’m convinced that you’re not the crazed trespassers he’s made you out to be. Tell me, why you all were heading toward a Kingdom camp?” Torrent asked, directing the question to Jay.

    “W-well, sir. We, uh, we were just walking through the fields, yeah. We didn’t know there was a camp here, sir. We were just passing through on our way to Silver City, and then we were ambushed by that lunatic!” Jay stuttered before pointing an accusing paw at the Dewott who simply nodded in return. Torrent narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

    “That, my friend, is the worst cover story I’ve heard in a long time and I’ve had to deal with Noah for the past few months. Tell me the real story, before I call someone to take you lot back to where you came from,” Torrent demanded, seeing straight through Jay’s poorly built lie.

    Jay squirmed in his seat and stammered a non-response. To Leo, it looked as if his mind failed to think of the right words. Torrent gave up on the team leader, leaving him to quietly sit on the wooden chair. He shifted his glare to Kelly.

    “So my dear, would you kindly tell me what you were doing in the field near our camp?”

    Kelly was either frozen into silence, or Jay’s failure to get cognitive words spoken had spread to her, only worse. She refused to answer Torrent’s question. Sighing in exasperation, he turned to Leo, who grabbed his tail in fear of the strong Water type.

    “So, Charmeleon, are you going to shut up like a Clampearl the same way your teammates did? Or, are you going to shed some light on the situation?”

    Leo said nothing, partly out of sheer fear of the roughly seven foot tall general and partly because Jay was discreetly shaking his head telling him to keep his mouth shut. The general lowered his head until he was far closer to Leo’s face then Leo would have ever liked him to be.

    “Charmeleon, you do realize that I have the authority to detain you and your friends for up to forty-eight hours simply for being here? I suggest you tell me what you know before that has to happen,” Torrent ordered, his interrogation going nothing like how Gear’s did. Leo gulped and mouthed a silent apology to Jay and Kelly. Alright, he thought, here goes nothing.

    “We were escaping from a town to the west of here, Loyalty Square, actually. We were forced out of the town when a squad of Magnemites raided our base. We managed to--” Leo said before Torrent silenced him with by clapping his blue clawed hand onto Leo’s shoulder, the action nearly snapping the Charmeleon’s shoulder blade.

    “Say no more, son. That’s all I needed to hear--” Torrent started before he, himself was interrupted when a feathered Pokemon flew through the entrance flaps of the tent and had to swerve to avoid slamming into the general. Leo almost allowed a smile to form when he saw that the avian intruder was none other than their first and only client.

    “S-sorry, sir! I-I was completing an errand … when I heard you were talking to … this team. I wanted to explain ... them to you, sir,” Icarus said breathlessly, panting in between phrases.
    Rather than expel the bird from the tent for being out of conduct, Torrent shrugged his shoulders.

    “Well, let’s have it. Why are they here, Icarus?”

    “W-well, sir. I was flying above the Valley Forest dungeon on my way back from Loyalty and I saw them marching through the fields. I had found out that they were being hunted from the governor’s deputy, sir. These three are good Pokemon, sir. They freed me from the smuggling ring in Spore Meadows even when I couldn’t repay them, sir. Evil Pokemon wouldn’t do that, sir. I mean, it’s not in an evil Pokemon’s nature to just randomly help out some prisoner when they’re... captured.... ring...” Icarus explained, his rambling trailing off into indistinct mumbling as he realized he’d talked too much.

    Leo was expecting Torrent to at the least disregard Icarus’s tirade or throw him out of the tent. He sure wasn’t expecting Torrent to smile, teeth sticking out from where his top and bottom jaws met. Icarus seemed surprised at the general’s action as well, flapping his wings once.

    “Thank you, Icarus. You’ve just made my job easier, if anything. I’ve known about the corrupt Magnemites for a long time. Ol’ Gear and I had a system where he’d try to get wrongly arrested civies outta town and to me whenever I set up came here. He musta not gotten a message out to me yet about you three,” Torrent explained, seemingly trying to remember the complexities of their plan.

    “S-sir, there’s a slight problem with that,” Icarus quietly said, trying to keep as silent as he could in an attempt not to embarrass himself by rambling again. This snapped Torrent out of his reminisce of days past.

    “What are you talking about, messanger?”

    “Well, sir. Gear … he … um … he’s … been put out of commision, sir,” Icarus reluctantly said, trying to find the right words to say.

    Torrent cut straight into the heart of the matter. “So, he was finally taken down, huh? Who did it? Because I’ll rip them apart once I find them. Icarus, tell me everything you know this instant,”

    “He was killed two nights ago, sir. The Magneton deputy, Axle, or Axeil or something. Anyways, the guy told me everything. This Skarmory came in claiming to be from the government. He said he was a governor or some fancy title like that, could have been a duke or noble for all I know. The guy was stuck up, had a real attitude, I tell you, I’ve never seen someone any more short tempered--” Icarus elaborated, slipping into meaningless dialogue before being cut off by Torrent.

    “You’re going to in a minute, unless you get to the damn point already!” Torrent growled as he cursed at the blubbering Pidgeotto.

    “S-sorry, sir! A-anyways, Gear refused to act on a kill list and apparently this Skarmory walks in with a guard of Magnemite and saw his disobedience. In short, Gear told him to fall off a cliff and the governor sent his units to attack him, and turned Gear’s own units against him, I think. The deputy wasn’t entirely sure what happened at that point, or the next few minutes. The next thing he saw was Gear’s burning body lying in the midst of a sea of Magnemite fragments. And then that governor guy ripped out Gear’s eye, I think, I’m not entirely sure I heard that right, the guy seemed pretty nervous when he told me the story. Anyways, Gear was killed and that Skarmory ordered the kill list to be enacted, which lead to the raid on Team Salient’s base, sir!” Icarus finished, gasping for breath at the end of his lengthy exposition, pleased that he hadn’t rambled too much during it.

    Every soul inside the tent, from Torrent, to Kelly, even the strange Noah went quiet, as if they all had agreed to an impromptu moment of silence to honor the fallen officer. It was Torrent who broke the silence first.

    “He didn’t deserve what happened to him. Anyone but him would have caved to corruption a long time ago. Gear was the best unit I ever served with. He saved my life in the second Bandit War in the Battle Sand Caverns. I’ll never forget that. And when he became sheriff and I a commander in the army, we knew what we had to do to protect the citizens from the Kingdom’s corruption,” he said solemnly, not looking directly at anyone. Leo couldn’t see for certain, but he thought he heard a series of low sobs coming from the mighty Feraligatr.

    “S-sir?” Kelly asked tentatively, speaking for the first time since she entered the general’s tent.
    Torrent immediately looked up and wiped his face with his scaly arm. Leo could see that his eyes were somewhat red, confirming his theory.

    “Errm, yes. Umm, you lot, Salient, we’ll figure this out later. Noah, make yourself useful and show them around the camp and get them situated. Oh, and they’re also sleeping in your tent as punishment for your actions. Icarus, you stay. I have a message that needs to go out. Dismissed,” he ordered. Icarus worriedly glanced over to the team and tilted his head as if telling them to leave now. Noah stood up from his seat and motioned for the team to move as he corralled them through the flaps of the tent.

    The group of four stood for a moment in front of the dull brown exterior of the tent, seemingly soaking in all that had happened in the past few minutes. They had been woken up, interrogated, accused of trespassing, apparently saved from a fate of prison by Icarus, and now forced to bunk with a Pokemon who knocked them out and knocked them out them the night before. Leo simply knew this was going to work out perfectly.

    “So, um … I’m sorry for ambushing you guys and all that. Are we … good?” Noah asked, extending a nervous hand outwards to Jay. The calm and collected air he had around him inside with Torrent seemed to vanish as soon as they were outside. Jay reluctantly grasped the Dewott’s paw and shook it as he muttered something about it being a regular thing lately.

    “If you guys couldn’t tell from back there, my name’s Noah,” he said introducing himself, “I don’t think Torrent mentioned your names, if you have any. I know some Pokemon from the North prefer to use the traditional species name, and all that.”

    “Yes, we have names. I’m Jay, and this is Kelly, and Leo,” Jay said, motioning to each of his teammates in turn as he said their name.

    “Wonderful! Now I’ll give you the grand tour of the place!” Noah said with a big smile as he walked out in front of them.

    “This is Camp New Rain, the northern division. To the northeast you will see the supply tents,” he said as he motioned to a cluster of tents and stacks of wooden crates scattered haphazardly around the area.

    “To the southeast and southwest you’ll find where most of us will be sleeping tonight,” he pointed to yet another bigger cluster of tents that made up two-thirds of the camp.

    “To the northwest you’ll find the training areas and the mess tent where dinner will be held soon, hopefully,” he informed, directing their attention to yet another cluster of tents, but this time they were spaced out among smoking sand pits and blackened boulders, evidence of the moves being practiced there.

    “And that’s your tour. Welcome to Camp New Rain! You’ll quickly learn why most fugitive Pokemon would rather go to jail than here,” he said with a grin, even as the team’s spirits fell yet again.



    “Move! They’ve found us!

    He could barely breathe, his lungs were on fire. The faster he tried to run, the harder it became to get a single mouthful of precious air. His feet slapped along the stone corridor as he ran from the ever pursuing sentinels.
    “It doesn’t help that you’re so… uggh … heavy! Why am I carrying you?!” he screamed as he sprinted down the hallway, his arms aching with the added weight of his companion.

    “Because I can’t move as fast as you can. Now shut up and pay attention! There should be a branching pathway coming up. Don’t miss it or we’ll be doomed.”

    He grunted in irritation, but knew that the answer was true. Pushing the pain as far back into his mind as he could, he tightened his hold as he continued to run. His gaze darted from left to right, trying to distinguish the path his friend told him about from all the other identical patches of stone wall and crystal wiring.

    “Approximately twenty-two point seven meters to go until the passage... Wait! I’m detecting something! Tri-Attack beams coming up fast on your left! Dodge them!”

    “Got it,” he said as he lurched his sprinting body to the right, nearly slamming into the rock walls of the passageway. He watched in smug satisfaction as he saw several beams of red, yellow, and blue light go whizzing by him and fizzled into nothingness against the stone floor.

    “Be careful! There’s an intersection ahead with sentinels on the left and right!

    “Whatever you say...” he whispered as a plan began to formulate in his sun-deprived mind. He’d be ready for whatever was there.

    “I’d tell you we’re doomed, but that only makes you get creative.”

    He smiled as he reached the intersection. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw several sentinels on either side. He knew he literally only had one shot for this to work, if it didn’t … well, he didn’t want to be reminded again of the possible fates that awaited him if he failed here.

    “This will be the death of both of us...”

    “Here goes nothing!" he screamed as he leaped into the air, the momentum of his sprint carrying him forward. He vaguely saw the hailstorm of plasma energy passing underneath him, nearly burning tips of his feet as the sentinels fired at him.

    The forces of gravity and friction eventually brought his flight to an end. He stumbled slightly as he tried to regain his balance and run at the same time. He nearly grinned as he escaped yet another death trap.

    “Don’t think we’re out of this yet! There’s the path to your right! Take it now!”

    He didn’t think twice, he immediately changed direction, his feet scraping against the stone. He tossed his heavy friend into the opening and then dived into the almost invisible hallway. He watched breathlessly as several bolts of plasma shot past it, fizzling as they harmlessly hit the stone walls.

    “Don’t stop! Keep running! Keep running! Pick me up and run! Run!” He dashed over to his friend and hefted him into his arms. Looking down the dark hallway, he knew whatever was done there was infinitely more desirable than the plasma of the guards.

    “I’ll never stop running. Not until I see the sun again.”



    “The Kingdom … is weak. It’s a sandcastle built up over time by passing children, just waiting to be decimated by the advancing tide of time.”

    “When will the tide come in and end our suffering? We have suffered too long underneath the tread of the Kingdom. When will the tide come in, master?”

    “... It will come when the moon aligns and the arbiter has made his decision in our favor. When the king of the sand crumbles like his palace, that is when the tide will come in.”

    “But what of the envoy to the false arbiter?”

    “What about the envoy?”

    “If his message is delivered, then the tide will freeze and retreat and we will never be free.”

    “... Don’t worry. I have spoken to our benefactor concerning this. They have arranged everything. The envoy’s message will be lost in the tide.”


    End of Chapter Ten



    Author’s Notes:
    Man, oh, man! Wow! I knew I’d get a chapter written by the end of my winter break, but I never expected it to be done before New Year’s!

    Well, aside from that record-shattering speed, I quite enjoyed this chapter. I was able to introduce the final main character as well as a few minor ones which I had fun writing.

    As per the advice given to me last chapter, I really tried to put more “stuff” in this chapter, other than dialogue. And to that point, I think I succeeded a little bit. I’m pretty sure there isn’t as much of the dialogue as last chapter, and I made sure to put in “stuff” scenes.

    And, regarding the last chapter, I was also able to expand on quite a few of the back stories of my characters, which should be a relief for some of you. I’m a little worried this chapter might seem “fillerish”, but I honestly tried to make it not so.

    Well, other than that, I have an exciting bit of news! PMD: Overthrown has gotten its first piece of fan art! My eternal thanks to the extremely talented ~mystic-blat on DeviantArt for creating Leo and company.

    Also, many thanks to my amazing beta readers Brutaka, Shadow Lucario 50, and Azurus for all their help throughout the year and putting up with me and my insanity. And, many thanks to my reviewers such as Sid87 and Sidewinder for helping make this story the best it can be.

    And finally, thank you to all my readers. It’s only because of you all that my story has gone from the simple story it was in February to what it is right now. You've all helped make this a great year. I hope to keep on writing quality work for you all come 2013.

    Oh, and be sure to nominate and vote in the 2012 Fanfiction Awards. There are plenty of authors and reviewers who deserve it for all their hard work this year. So, please, do them a favor. Go out and vote.

    Knightfall signing off...
    Last edited by Knightfall; 21st August 2013 at 1:29 AM.

  22. #172
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    563

    Default

    the squad of four Magnemite buzzing excitedly behind him at the prospect of yet another arrest
    They really get their jollies doing that don't they? Police brutality!!

    The moon was obscured by a large bank of clouds, blocking its natural light and making the Square seem even more like an abandoned city than the bustling marketplace it was.
    You may consider dropping the 'even more' from the sentence. Mainly because it gives it gives it a more sinister feel. I like comparisons such as this because of the opposite factor and I think you've done a good job; however, make sure you don't try too hard to beat it into us that the city has adopted a ghostly feel. A few quick lines is all you need to portray that. You did it the right way, I'm just saying that dropping those two words would let us arrive their in our own way. Make sense?

    The flatlights plastered on the ceiling and walls giving the hallway a clinical feel to it as it lit the area with a stark, white light.
    I've commented before how you're description has grown since you've been writing, but damn sir, the quoted portion is a prime example of how I'm becoming slightly envious. Nicely done

    The room began to quake as the tremors continued to erupt from the malfunctioning experiment.
    Green fields, stormy oceans, mysterious glowing orbs within a night sky, vast clouded mountains, and blue skies all flashed briefly in the center core before vanishing as quickly as they had come. Leo was entranced by the images; all of them far more vivid than anything he’d heard of before in legends.
    Formatting issue there

    “Kelly, please listen. I only want to--” he started to say before being cut off by his daughter.
    “No. Not anymore.”
    and there

    “It’s what you wanted?! You wanted to leave me?! For the Colonies?! You wanted this?!”
    Kelly screamed at her parent’s illusions, her voice strained.
    Her mother ignored her outburst and walked forward to her daughter. She placed her paw on Kelly’s shoulder, causing her to wince slightly. She saw her mother’s paw on her fur, yet couldn’t feel it. She saw her mother’s head lean into her, rubbing affectionately against neck, yet the touch was not felt by Kelly.
    ”We left in hopes that we would return within a week. You can see that didn’t work out.” she said, pressing her head against her daughter’s. ”You have no idea how lost we felt without without you with us. We missed you so much. We missed you, Kelly.
    Sorry to keep pointing them out buddy, but I'm assuming you want me to. Just take a teensy bit more time before posting to weed out these jumbles like this. As I'm sure you know, it does make a difference. What's happening with Kelly has me on pins and needles, but when stuff like this happens, I lose my focuse.

    ”Why do you hate us, Kelly? Do you realize how much it hurts us to hear you say those nasty things?” her father’s disembodied voice rang out through the void.
    I loved that you included 'disembodied voice' in there. As I'm sure you know from reading my fic, I've always been of the persuasion that voices in our head hold just as much sway as voices we hear with our ears. The fact that you put those in there means a great deal to me in terms of my understanding of you're story, and letting me in on some turmoil that Kelly is experiencing that I wasn't previously completely privy to.

    Pokemon with natural spines and scales seemed to be a staple of the camp, nearly everyone Leo saw has some type of armor or appendage that could be used for fighting purposes.
    I'm thinking this is you're approximation of German shock troops. Nice

    The camp healer says it’s bad for my health to hold a direct conversation with you for more than two minutes at a time.
    Hah!

    Another solid chapter from you, sir..(that is assuming you're male, which is something we haven't discussed lol). I enjoyed it very much. Despite the one or two grammatical errors and the formatting issues, you did a great job. The back and forth with Torrent was really enjoyable to read, and I liked the interrogation feel that besides that portion, the whole chapter felt like it had. My thoughts are running a muck after what was aid about Pokemon would rather be elsewhere then at this camp so I'm excited for the next chapter

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  23. #173
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Hey, nice to hear from you. Response time!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    They really get their jollies doing that don't they? Police brutality!!
    Heh, they got bored with their normal duties of guarding and civility a long time ago. Arresting and bullying Pokemon is their only true form of entertainment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    You may consider dropping the 'even more' from the sentence. Mainly because it gives it gives it a more sinister feel. I like comparisons such as this because of the opposite factor and I think you've done a good job; however, make sure you don't try too hard to beat it into us that the city has adopted a ghostly feel. A few quick lines is all you need to portray that. You did it the right way, I'm just saying that dropping those two words would let us arrive their in our own way. Make sense?
    I see what you're saying, and it does make it sound better. Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I've commented before how you're description has grown since you've been writing, but damn sir, the quoted portion is a prime example of how I'm becoming slightly envious. Nicely done.
    Slightly envious? Of my description? I don't believe it. Thank you, I've been using the advice you and others have given me. And the practice obviously helps.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post

    Formatting issue there, and there.

    Sorry to keep pointing them out buddy, but I'm assuming you want me to. Just take a teensy bit more time before posting to weed out these jumbles like this. As I'm sure you know, it does make a difference. What's happening with Kelly has me on pins and needles, but when stuff like this happens, I lose my focus.
    Dang, and I thought I got those. Well, I'll be sure to get them next time. I promise the next chapter will be formatting error free.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I loved that you included 'disembodied voice' in there. As I'm sure you know from reading my fic, I've always been of the persuasion that voices in our head hold just as much sway as voices we hear with our ears. The fact that you put those in there means a great deal to me in terms of my understanding of you're story, and letting me in on some turmoil that Kelly is experiencing that I wasn't previously completely privy to.
    But of course. It stands to reason that the voices in your head would hold more sway than voices outside. You'll be seeing more of this in other characters soon enough.
    I figured Kelly hadn't seen enough of the "twisted spotlight", so I decided to shed some light on that. Though her problems are actually more complex than you might think...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I'm thinking this is you're approximation of German shock troops. Nice
    That's a pretty accurate description.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Hah!
    You can thank my brother for that one. Being near him too long is just...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    Another solid chapter from you, sir..(that is assuming you're male, which is something we haven't discussed lol). I enjoyed it very much. Despite the one or two grammatical errors and the formatting issues, you did a great job. The back and forth with Torrent was really enjoyable to read, and I liked the interrogation feel that besides that portion, the whole chapter felt like it had. My thoughts are running a muck after what was aid about Pokemon would rather be elsewhere then at this camp so I'm excited for the next chapter
    Well, while we're on the subject, yes, I am indeed a male.
    Moving on, thank you for pointing out said errors. Those formatting errors were because I literally finished this chapter two hours before New Year's Day in hopes of getting one final update for the fan fiction awards.

    Heh, I'm glad you liked Noah and Torrent. You'll see more of them (especially Noah) in future chapters.
    And I actually tried to mirror the interrogation feel from Chapter Two when Gear questioned Leo. So, I'm glad that worked.

    Yeah, he wasn't completely lying when he said that. The next chapter will be fun to write.

    Thank you for your review, it does mean a lot to me.
    Good luck in the Fan Fiction Awards.

    Knightfall signing off...

  24. #174
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Between Nod and Terrafirma
    Posts
    388

    Default

    Well the whole camp scene was very well done, I enjoyed Noah's sarcasm and Torrents dialogue when speaking to him.

    One thing though, even though I know it's supposed to happen, but I kinda feel, just a tiny bit, that there are far too many tortured minds. I like it, but there's just so many.

    Anyway, excellent chapter, and I look forward to more.

    There is a couple of spelling errors in the couple of paragraphs after the 1st scene shift.


    Credit to Brutaka for the amazing banner and user bar. Yeah, having 2 is redundant, but it shows you guys my favorite pokemon, what story I had planned and my position in the WoJ.

    Time, there's never enough of it but it's always there to waste.
    -Azurus

  25. #175
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Saltus Valley
    Posts
    522

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    Well the whole camp scene was very well done, I enjoyed Noah's sarcasm and Torrents dialogue when speaking to him.
    Ah, good. I tried to put in something more ... lighthearted to counteract the mood a little. Glad it worked.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    One thing though, even though I know it's supposed to happen, but I kinda feel, just a tiny bit, that there are far too many tortured minds. I like it, but there's just so many.
    You and Sid have both expressed this in your reviews. I know there's a lot going on, especially in the potential insanity department, but I promise it will eventually be cleared up. And there's not too many others who are insane as these characters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Azurus View Post
    *
    Anyway, excellent chapter, and I look forward to more.

    There is a couple of spelling errors in the couple of paragraphs after the 1st scene shift.
    Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.

    Oh, I'll look that over. Thanks.

    Knightfall signing off...

Page 7 of 12 FirstFirst ... 34567891011 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •