Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Easier Said Than Done (NegaiShipping, G)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    South-East England.
    Posts
    553

    Default Easier Said Than Done (NegaiShipping, G)

    Welcome, one and all. In case you were not aware, NegaiShipping is AshxIris. The idea for this one-shot came from BW032; that is, the episode about the Cottonee that was in love with another Cottonee.

    This is actually the first romance fic I have ever written and while I think it came out well, I would really appreciate out some constructive criticism.

    That being said, I hope you enjoy it.

    * * * * * * * * *

    Easier Said Than Done
    A NegaiShipping Fic

    * * * * * * * * *

    Push forward. When it comes to love, being agressive is best.

    She had made it sound so simple that time. When it came to emotions, Iris was never one to hesitate. Certainly, if she were mad, she would let people know that she was mad. If she was annoyed, her two companions would not hear the end of it. If she was happy, she'd be skipping and jumping all over the place. It was simply how she was. Iris assumed that when it came to love, it would be the same. Just tell them you love them.

    Iris quickly discovered that it wasn't as simple as that. She had prepared herself to march right up to him, tell him "I love you" and that'd be that. But as she called out to him and approached him, and his warm, expressive eyes met hers as he smiled kindly, she felt the words die in the back of her throat. All she could do was splutter out a "good morning" before quickly running off to carry out her morning tasks.

    When it comes to love, you need to settle it beautifully and with a wham!

    That had been the plan. There would be no mincing of words. She would be straightfoward; tell him she loves him, hug him, kiss him. It was perfect. Even someone as dense as him would be able to understand.

    Yet, she couldn't do it.

    It was morning in Unova and the group was preparing for breakfast. While Cilan was cooking and Ash was feeding the Pokemon, Iris was preparing the table. Usually, she didn't eat before breakfast, but her thoughts about confessing to a certain young trainer drove her to do so. Subsequently, she had taken a ripe and juicy apple from the fruit bag and took out her frustrations by mercilessly chimping down on it.

    How could she do what she planned to when a simple look from him caused her to seize up? That look of childish innoncence which she had grown to adore, and that kindness, determination, enthusiasm and bravery that endeared him to her in the first place; whenever she saw them, she could only stop and admire.

    Don't mope about because you were rejected once. You need to attack, attack and attack again!

    Iris had been rejected... by herself. Her body and mind were not in sync. Mentally, she was ready to confess. Physically, she wasn't. Her body would hesitate. Her vocal cords would not work properly. Her stomach would growl and tell her to eat something.

    She wanted to attack again. Approach him again, grab him by the shoulders, tell him she loves him. She tried to. She walked up to him and reached out to touch him, but hesitated just before that vital point of contact. He turned to face her, eyebrow raised in curiosity.

    "Something wrong, Iris?" he asked.

    Say it, she told herself. Just say it. Be agressive. Settle it now, with a bang, because you're losing this fight.

    "Iris?" he pressed, eyes full of concern.

    "I..." Iris started, but couldn't finish. She stared into his eyes and felt her face warm up.

    "You're looking a little red," he commented. "Do you have a fever?"

    Annoyed, Iris couldn't help herself. "You're such a kid."

    He frowned. "What's with you?"

    And they had fallen into the same routine again.

    She bit down on the apple she had kept handy - perhaps because, deep down, she knew this would happen - and refused to look him in the eye. She was aware that he was staring at her, waiting for an answer. When she couldn't give one, he sighed.

    "If something's wrong, you should tell us," he said. "We're your friends, after all. You don't need to hide anything from us."

    "Nothing's wrong," she lied. She bit into the apple again. "I was just flushed from hunger, is all."

    Because she was thinking about love.

    She risked a glance at him and saw that he didn't look convinced. Her lie was blatant. It was his fault that she was so flushed. It was his fault that she couldn't just come out with it. He left no openings. He would either stop her with those eyes of his or get her going off on an tangent by saying or doing something childish.

    She needed to create an opening.

    "Well, there was something I wanted to ask you."

    "Yeah? What is it?" He looked eager to help. "Did you need a training partner?"

    That was so typical of him. The first thing on his mind was Pokemon. It always was. He had an admirable yet somewhat infuriating devotion to them, to the point where you could seldom get him truly alone; without him training with his Pokemon, or playing with them, or having Pikachu on his shoulder.
    Now was one of there rare moments where it was just Ash. She was going to capitalise on it.

    "No, I'm just curious about something."

    "Okay," he said slowly, curious as to what she was going to ask him.

    Iris looked off to the side and fidgeted with her fingers behind her back. It was just a question, yet she felt strangely awkward asking it. "How would you want a girl to confess to you?"

    He seemed taken aback. "Confess?"

    "Yeah."

    "Hmm... I've never really thought about it," he said thoughtfully. "Why do you ask? Do you know someone who likes me?"

    This was her chance.

    "I do."

    "Really? Who is it?"

    And he misses the point.

    "No, I meant m-..." She clicked her tongue in annoyance, both at him and her own incapaility to finish the sentance. "Just answer the question!"

    "But I wanna know who it is!" he complained. Like a child.

    "I'll tell you after you answer my question."

    "Come on, tell me!" he insisted. "Is it someone I know?"

    Iris rolled her eyes. "Yes, it's someone you know."

    "I wonder who it could be..." He took up a thinking pose, seemingly thinking hard about who it could be. "Is it Bianca?"

    Bianca had said she liked Ash, but seemed just as dense as he was when it came to romance.

    "No. It's not her."

    "Burgundy?"

    Iris didn't know the girl that well, but she somehow doubted that she harbored feelings for him. Not when a certain other seemed to attract her attention whenever they met up.

    "No."

    "...Georgia?"

    Sometimes, he could say the stupidest of things.

    "It's definitely not Georgia."

    "Then who could it be?" He appeared genuinely confused and that irked Iris. Did he not consider that she might be the one?

    Well, she'd show him.

    "It's me." She took a deep breath, preparing herself to say it. His eyes had widened in surprise, and for once he Ash was speechless. This was her opening. "I love you."

    There. She had finally come out with it. Now there was only one thing left to do. She had to settle it, before he had a chance to say anything.

    Settle is beautifully, and with a wham!

    Holding him by the shoulders, she leaned in and stole his lips in a kiss. Iris had discovered that her methods were easier than done, but as she felt Ash relax and return the kiss, she knew that they had won her this fight.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    IL
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Well this was a very cute and fun to read oneshot. I really liked Iris's attitude about love during that episode, and your having that in this oneshot, particularly in using her quotes on love as a framing mechanism, worked very well. I liked the struggle that she faced to actually get the words out and do what she said she'd do. Reminds me of the line "I often give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." :P

    Making her struggle about her losing her nerve physically instead of mentally was an interesting way to go and I think it's pretty relatable, though Iris doesn't seem like she'd be prone to get that physically nervous most of the time, I suppose that's part of the point. Love is a special thing, and having to come face to face with a confession knocks even her for a loop. I thought she might rationalize her failures a bit more, like think about reasons why her body might be telling her mind that confessing isn't a good idea, perhaps realizing that some of that 'innocence' in Ash's eyes would be lost if she actually told him straight out.

    I think Ash is where I kind of drift away from this. You've done a great job in portraying his exuberance, his love for Pokemon, and his modes of speech, but... it just strikes me that he follows along a little too easily. I think this starts with Iris's line: "How would you want a girl to confess to you?" I was expecting him to come back with something along the lines of a mystified: "What... you mean to a murder or something?" Kind of like his earlier assumption that Iris blushing meant she had a fever. He just seemed a little too quick on the uptake concerning love to me for Ash.

    The way he returns her kiss strikes me in a similar way. It seems like too easy a resolution. I read Ash asking about who might like him as largely teasing Iris, but I didn't really see him taking it seriously. I would've expected him to be more shocked by both Iris's confession and her kiss. After all, he's on the threshold of a world he doesn't have a lot of experience with. I think playing with the struggle a little more would flesh out both Iris and Ash, so that they learn something by the end of the experience. Ash could learn about interpersonal relationships and Iris could learn that, while ambition and confidence are great, her 'battle' attitude toward love isn't perfect because it focuses on winning and in a certain way disregards her 'opponent' or 'crush' and their right to feel differently. I would have liked to see some more in depth prodding at both Ash and Iris's attitudes.

    That said, I think you really did a bang up job on this, especially considering it's your first romance fic. You've got a good grasp on the 'voices' of these characters and a strong sense of rhythm. It all flowed very well and you balanced the tension out so I was drawn through to the end. Good job and keep up the great work!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,371

    Default

    I read this in the Negiashippnig tread but forgot to reply to it. It is such a nicely written oneshot. Short but you were able to keep your readers hook and entertained. Although there is one thing i have to complain. I mean i like how you kept everyone in character its just it Ash is so dense in love how come he was able to return a kiss as if his been kiss on the lips before? Maybe you could of wrote after Iris kiss Ash on the lips you could of left him dumbfounded or smiling or a simple kiss on the cheek. It just seems odd to me that somebody as dense as Ash can kiss like that.

    "What was that kiss for? Iris stood dumbfounded.

    "That's what two people do when they really really like each other.

    "Well there is no way i'm doing that to my pokemon, no matter how much i love them!" Iris waved her hands in the air as if she wanted to fly badly.

    Iris felt like she needed to face palm herself. How on earth did she found this boy attractive? Most of all, how did he make her fall in love with him?! Soon Iris felt a soft light kiss on her right cheek. Ash grinned.

    "Is it alright if i do that instead? Kissing on the lips isn't my thing." Iris smiled and laugh.

    "Just don't go kissing me after you kiss your pokemon. She laughed and made her first step back to camp.

    "Iris!" Ash yelled and chased after his new girl.
    Just a suggestion. Don't take it the wrong way. Please don't hurt me.

    Also when Ash asked the line "How would a girl confess to you? like skiyomi has stated its odd for Ash to say a thing, but still its a minor thing. But you could of reworded it slightly to fit into Ash's persona.

    Ah sorry, i write romance fics a lot and it just seems odd to me. I've been writing romance for four years so i am harsh on romance fics

    Otherwise this is a wonderful wonderful negaishipping oneshot and i'll read it over and over agan because it's so cute and romanctic, puppy love in a way. i think romance is too big of a word to be used in this kind of situation. The story flowed well and the quotes fitted nicely. For your first romance fic, i'm impressed.

    Keep up the good work.
    Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 5th March 2012 at 10:03 AM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    South-East England.
    Posts
    553

    Default

    Thanks you Skiyomi and midnightjewlz for the reviews. Looking back, I think the faults you pointed out are very fair, and I really appreciate that. Now that I'm aware there's a clear fault, I can hopefully write better fics in the future.

    I'm glad you both enjoyed it, either way.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,075

    Default

    I thought it was quite cute and fun to read. I also enjoyed it. In my opinion I thought the pace was a bit too fast for me. I thought it was interesting to see a fic where Ash was talking about romantic stuff. Not the sort of thing the anime!Ash would talk about, but I guess it was needed for the story to progress. I concur with Skiyomi and Gems, good fic.


    ☆ Maya Fey: Ace Pokemon Trainer
    Carry On, BlisseyThe Other King☆
    Advancers Tumblr
    Banner by Sworn Metalhead at Dćdric Design ✠

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Madrid
    Posts
    326

    Default

    This is really beautiful!

    I like the Iris's quotes you put it in ^^
    [IMG]http://i55.*******.com/nlx16c.png[/IMG]

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •