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Thread: The reviving of the Shadow Pokémon

  1. #1
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    Default The reviving of the Shadow Pokémon (PG-13)

    The reviving of the Shadow Pokémon (I'm gonna make new chapters when I'm done rewriting/making the old chapters!)

    PM List:
    cooloolcool
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    Chapter List:
    Chapter 1: The First Chapter.... (this post, rewrited/made by me)
    Chapter 2: The First Babysitting time...
    Chapter 3: Drama in the Evening!
    Chapter 4: The International Police Agent!
    Chapter 5: A Romantic Date with a Sad Twist!
    Chapter 6: Mareep's first battle!
    Chapter 7: The Rakki Fair!


    Characters:
        Spoiler:- Characters:


        Spoiler:- Chapter 1: The First Chapter… [REMAKE]:
    Last edited by Trickster Zorua; 10th August 2012 at 12:39 PM.

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    Wow! That's pretty good! But the names are not really original. You have used the name yami countless times in rps! Other than that, 10 out of 10! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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  3. #3
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    ^ Thanks! ^^ I had no idea how I must call the team, so did I translated Darkness in Google. :P But thanks! ^^ BTW, the next chapter get a title. Only it's not known. :P

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    First off, Shadow Pokemon is a rarer thing to write about, so selcome aboard.

    I'll beat the mods to the punch, but please do go back into the Fanfic rules. I think you'll be alright once spacing gets worked out, but chapters should be in the 2 page minimum. Which then leads me to the next section. Because the Serebii forums don't indent for us, every paragrapgh and every quote should be broken apart by a line break. This makes it easier to read on a computer screen. So for example, you're second section:

    “Nurse Joy! Can you please heal my Mareep!?” Did asked the trainer with Mareep fainted in his arms. Nurse Joy, with her cute giggling and pink hair, did replied. “Sure mister…” “Kevin is the name. I must still get a Trainer Card.” “Ah, okay. After healing your Mareep, I’m going then make your Trainer Card.” “Okay Nurse Joy. That’s okay.” Did Kevin replied. After five minutes, Nurse Joy came back with his Mareep. “Mareep!” Did said Mareep happy and hug her trainer. “Your Pokémon is healed! Shall we make your Trainer Card?” “Yes please.” Did said Kevin and followed Nurse Joy, while Mareep is on his head, sleeping cute. “Can you please write the needed information in this form please” Did asked Nurse Joy and gave Kevin a form. He did writhed the information and give it back. Nurse Joy did putted the form in the computer, and a machine pressed a Trainer Card for Kevin, with his photo and the information and she gave it to him. “Your age is 12, your surname is Kibo, your Pokémon is Mareep right now, your length is 4 “92. Here is your card.” Did Nurse Joy said everything about him and give the card to Kevin. “Don’t worry, if there’s something happened with your party, the card update it. It’s a digital card, so it’s handy if you don’t have to get a new card!” “Thanks Nurse Joy!” Did Kevin replied and ran back to his room, putted Mareep on her favorite pillow to sleep on, putted his card in his backpack and going to sleep.
    Should actually look like:

    “Nurse Joy! Can you please heal my Mareep!?” Did asked the trainer with Mareep fainted in his arms.

    Nurse Joy, with her cute giggling and pink hair, did replied. “Sure mister…” “Kevin is the name. I must still get a Trainer Card.” “Ah, okay. After healing your Mareep, I’m going then make your Trainer Card.”

    “Okay Nurse Joy. That’s okay.” Did Kevin replied. After five minutes, Nurse Joy came back with his Mareep. “Mareep!” Did said Mareep happy and hug her trainer.

    “Your Pokémon is healed! Shall we make your Trainer Card?” “Yes please.” Did said Kevin and followed Nurse Joy, while Mareep is on his head, sleeping cute.

    “Can you please write the needed information in this form please” Did asked Nurse Joy and gave Kevin a form. He did writhed the information and give it back. Nurse Joy did putted the form in the computer, and a machine pressed a Trainer Card for Kevin, with his photo and the information and she gave it to him. “Your age is 12, your surname is Kibo, your Pokémon is Mareep right now, your length is 4 “92. Here is your card.” Did Nurse Joy said everything about him and give the card to Kevin. “Don’t worry, if there’s something happened with your party, the card update it. It’s a digital card, so it’s handy if you don’t have to get a new card!”\

    “Thanks Nurse Joy!” Did Kevin replied and ran back to his room, putted Mareep on her favorite pillow to sleep on, putted his card in his backpack and going to sleep.
    See the breaks there? The middel part is all coming from Nurse Joy, so I didn't neccesarily have to break that up into its individual quotes.

    Ah, the English language. I applaud yo for trying it, that's more skill and patience than I was granted with foreign language. You're quite fond of the word Did, no? In english, our Subject is typically ahead of the verb, and the verb handles the action. In all of your cases, you can actually get rid of the "Did"s. For the most part, you've got the sentence structure fairly correct though. I've got some time, so I'll go ahead and pick through. I mean this only to be helpful, I don't mean to be condesending and I understand that there's a tiny language barrier, but let's see if we can't get that knocked down, shall we?

    On a day, in the newly discovered Heiwa region, what the name mean “Peace”. There was never something evil happened in the region, until today… A new team did appeared, Team Yami. They did came in the Heiwa region, to do the new plan of the leader of Team Yami….
    May I?

    On a day,
    Do you mean "One day"? Or On a day such as this, a [describe the scene]? On a day to me feels like half a sentence. Not a bad little intro, I'm certainly digging for more detail, but there isn't any there.

    in the newly discovered Heiwa region, what the name meaning “Peace”.
    There was never somethinghad anything evil happened in the region, until today. A new team did appeared, Team Yami.
    The joy of Verb tenses and actions. This might be why they say English is one of the harder languages. There was implies an immidiate past tense, such as there was a piece of pie on the counter. Probably, someone ate it shortly after the narrator set the pie out, but it was within a few moments of now that the pie was eaten. Happened on the other hand, while it is past tense, is implied to cover a much broader timeframe, best to leave it alone and let it do that without trying to modify the tense.

    In the bold section, I added had anything, then struck out Something. "Had" is in this case a helper verb for the verb "happened", and is soley there to make the story more flowing and readable. I replaced Something in this section, because Something is a specific stand-in for a certain, though unknown, item or action. (She looked at the open peg on the shelf. Something, blonged there, something was missing that should have been on that peg, but se didn't know what) Anything on the other hand is generic, of all the things that happen in the Heiwa region, none of them were evil. So that's why that's the way that it is. ("What should I put on this peg?" She asked her manager. "Oh, just put anything there so the customer can see it" he replied.)

    You don't need the did, the past tense is estblished by came. then it should be they came to the Heiwa Region, ot they came in. You probably should use a semi-colon ( there instead of a comma, but I'm not the best with semi-colons. To do the new plan is not the best sentence structure. It works, but I might have gone with "To complete the new plan of..."

    Midnight exactly, came strange vans to the Heiwa Region. They were all black, so they couldn’t be noticed in the dark, except for the car lights of course. They were riding quiet and slow to a old abandoned factory. After the vans arrived at the big factory gate, they all came out of the vans. One grunt of the whole team walked to the boss of them.

        Spoiler:- factory:


    “Mister Dark, the whole team has arrived. Shall I start with the plan of yours?” Whispered the grunt, who was the boss’s assistant, to the boss.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    “Yes assistant, but let me break that lock on the door.”

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    Answered the boss. Then he called his Houndoom out of his Dark Ball, a special Pokéball made by then to easily catch Pokémon, make them listen to the owner and then change the pokémon to evil. The Houndoom looked evil with the black glow he had. It was the last Shadow Pokemon from the time that all Shadow Pokemon had been purified.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    “Houndoom, use Crunch to break that lock.” Did commanded the boss.

    The Houndoom nodded. “Houn... HOUNDOOM!” Said he while he was using Crunch on the lock. What only was left from the lock, was the destroyed chain.

    “Well done Houndoom.” His owner said and putted Houndoom back in his Dark Ball. “Let’s go.”

    The whole team did parked the vans and followed the boss. But while they were walking, a trainer that lived 2 houses near the factory, woke up with his Mareep. “Huh?" he yawned. "There’s something happening in the factory! Mareep! Come with me!” Whispered he trainer to his Mareep.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    Mareep nodded at what he said. “Mareep!” said his Mareep and helped her trainer. “Thanks Mareep!”     Spoiler:- corrections:


    The trainer gave her a compliment. Mareep giggled. “Come, let’s go!” Her trainer said and ran fast, with Mareep on his side, to the factory.

    When they arrived, the trainer looked secretly into a hole in the door. “Mister Dark, we are ready. Shall I start the machine?” Asked the assistant.

    “Yes, but where’s the first pokémon to test the machine?” he replied. The trainer and his Mareep were shocked. “M-M-Mareep?” She talked to her self, shivering by the fear she had. While they stared again to the boss and his assistant, a grunt came in holding a Bidoof that struggle and don’t want to be the experiment. “Bi! Bidoof!” he cried, but the grunt slapped him and put him in a glass box. Then he closed it.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    “The Pokémon is ready.” Said the assistant to the boss. The boss nodded and pressed a button to start the machine. Two dark purple orb’s, that are putted on the machine, did glowed and slowly get the purple liquid out it. The Bidoof was crying and tried to get out, but he get only hurt by the bumping against the walls of the glass box. The purple liquid was stored in a bigger orb, and then the liquid changed to electric sparks and the Bidoof got hit by the sparks.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    “BIDOOOOOOOF!” He cried out in pain, while smoke appeared in the box. After a few seconds, the smoke disappeared, and the Bidoof had other colors and other attacks.

    “Bi-Bidoof!” the Bidoof laughed evilly. The Mareep and trainer was in complete shock and fear. Mister Dark, the boss laughed evilly. “It works! That Pokémon did changed to a Shadow Pokémon!”

    The grunt that put the Bidoof in that box, got the Bidoof out of the box again. Then Mister Dark petted the Bidoof.

    “So. A new member of Team Yami!” Did he yelled and caught him in a Dark Ball. Two grunts filled the two empty orbs, what was filled first with the purple liquid, and put it in a storage in the machine.

    Mareep was so shocked, that she used Thundershock. “Intruder!” Yelled a grunt.

    Mister Dark called his Shadow Bidoof out. “Bidoof! Use Shadow Wave!” Bidoof did used Shadow Wave on Mareep. Mareep flew out of the trainer’s arms.

    “Oh no! Mareep!” He yelled and ran to a Pokémon Center. But the team don’t do anything.

        Spoiler:- corrections:


    “Hmm… a kid saw surely our plan. Well…if he come to us to stop our plan again, then he will get problems with us.” said the boss and closed the door. He walked to the machine and pulled a switch on the machine. The little machine transformed to a big machine with many cables and plugs. The machine plugged everywhere in the factory cables. Security camera’s appeared on the factory, but also electricity, water, gas and all. After the setup from the machine, a disguise was installed in the factory. It like if the factory was a modern and luxury hotel with a swimming pool. The boss went to a room with the grunts, they built beds, and then they all went to sleep.

        Spoiler:- corrections:
    Phew. I've thrown a lot of stuff at you, probably confusing. My apologies. You may want to seek help in the Author's Cafe sub forum in working all this out. All in all though, you've got an intriguing idea. I must confess, that I've been working much the same thought for a while now. In my own fic, "World Turns" (The family portraiot with three humans, a Gardevoir, the Espeon and the Umbreon, etc.) Team Rocket is experimenting with Shadow Pokemon (and Cipher) tech allegedly, and I'm exploring the possible connection with the Iron Mask and Cipher. The Iron Mask beiing the guy who used the Dark Balls in the Celebi movie. I have a feeling you will be moving through this much more quickly than I have been as I have a few other little side stories running as well, so I'm curiousto see how you do it. Not to steal, but you and I are thinking very similarly I supect, and I'm curious to see how far it goes. Best of luck!
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  5. #5
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    Okay, thanks. And it was on a day, on that day that they did invade the factory. But I'm gonna today edit with your corrections. Still, thank you for the corrections. I'm not good at English, I'm more Dutch! ^^; But that's no excuse! But what I did wanted to say: Thank you. I'm gonna edit today with your corrections. And yeah, that Dark Ball idea was used from the Celebi movie! ^^;

    Edit: New Chapter!

        Spoiler:- The first babysitting time...:


    Rates are welcome! :3
    Last edited by Trickster Zorua; 9th March 2012 at 5:55 PM.

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    Awesome! It's just that it's takes a long time for a relationship to start. I think you should make it take a while for madero and elektrike to fall in lov. And my awesome prediction;Kevin and Alice will fall in love!
    And you also stole the Alice name I always use.
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    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrmuffin123 View Post
    Awesome! It's just that it's takes a long time for a relationship to start. I think you should make it take a while for madero and elektrike to fall in lov. And my awesome prediction;Kevin and Alice will fall in love!
    And you also stole the Alice name I always use.
    Thanks for the rating! And maybe later in the story, but I think of not. :/ And sorry. If you want I don't use that name on it, and say it. Then I change the name to Cindy.

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    Only read the first chapter thus far, but I've a number of comments to make that seems to also be applicable to the second chapter from what I've skim-read.

    Firstly, you still need to separate the paragraphs and lines of dialogue by a different person from the rest at the end of the first chapter. It's good to see you fixed that issue elsewhere but it's still too cluttered in a large block there which is hard to read.

    Glover seemed to cover a lot with spelling and tenses, so I'll just mention a few other things. You have an established plot and some characterisation of Pokemon like the Mareep and all (although I do feel the people could be portrayed better), but on the whole I do feel the writing could be better.
    On a day, in the newly discovered Heiwa region, meaning “Peace”. Never had anything evil happened in the region, until today… A new team appeared, Team Yami. They did came in the Heiwa region, to do the new plan of the leader of Team Yami….
    A lot of it is basically awkward-worded and doesn't sound natural or is choppy in pacing. For instance in this starting paragraph, the first sentence begins 'On a day' which is a weird way to start a story. Of course it happens on 'a day' after all, so it's more unnecessary than anything. After that you stop to say what Heiwa means and end the sentence there. Reading 'On a day, in the newly discovered Heiwa region, meaning “Peace”.' aloud you can tell it sounds unfinished. You say a time of sorts, a place but nothing else happens in the sentence after building up that something happens on that day by starting the sentence as so.

    'They did came in the...' also sounds awkward when read, as to 'do the new plan' also doesn't quite fit - implement or start a plan is a more oft seen way of saying it, but not 'do a plan'. I suggest proofreading and reading things allowed as things like this came up often.
    Midnight exactly, came strange vans to the Heiwa Region. They were all black, so they couldn’t be noticed in the dark, except for the car lights of course. They were riding quiet and slow to a old abandoned factory. After the vans arrived at the big factory gate, they all came out of the vans. One grunt of the whole team walked to the boss of them.
    The same issue as above occurs in the first sentence here. 'At midnight strange vans arrived.' is far simpler but doesn't have the awkward pause made by the comma around vans and came. You also established what the region was so repeating that fact here is unnecessary - watch out for that too. On that note, try showing rather than telling. Here you said 'they were black and so they couldn't be noticed in the dark bar the lights', but that's not too hard a thing for a reader to figure out by themselves. Describing the black vans and the bright lights the only sign they were there at all would be a better way to write the sentence for instance as you're showing a bit more rather than stating facts.
    “Mister Dark, the whole team has arrived. Shall I start with the plan of yours?” Whispered the grunt, who was the boss’s assistant, to the boss.
    Another point I wanted to raise is with dialogue. If the part following the dialogue will not work as its own sentence but flows on from the dialogue (ie it tells us who said it and/or how it was said), then you can treat the two parts as one full sentence. Hence you shouldn't capitalise 'whispered' here as essentially you are capitalising a word in the Middle of the sentence (like so), which is incorrect.
    “Yes assistant, but let me break that lock on the door.” Answered the boss.
    Same here - 'Answered the boss' doesn't work as its own sentence but it does say who said the dialogue before it, so treat the dialogue and it as one sentence. Although it doesn't apply to other punctuation marks (e.g. ! ? etc) you shouldn't use a full stop there but rather a comma. In other words it should look like this:
    “Yes assistant, but let me break that lock on the door,” answered the boss.
    I'd also suggest more description on what people look like and are like - I have little idea on the boss besides that he is evil - no details on looks or personality. On that note though, don't put in a lot of details - try to work in things about him during the story. (By that I mean don't say 'he had black hair.' but rather 'he scratched his black hair' - the latter has something happening while you describe and hence keeps the story moving. Showing personality also comes under that - don't say 'he was angry' but rather, say 'He stomped his foot and spat.' - that shows the reader he is angry without putting it bluntly). Only give relevant details too - the exact height of the trainer at the end for instance wasn't very important, and less so for a person not familiar with feet and inches as well.
    But while they were walking, a trainer that lived 2 houses near the factory, woke up with his Mareep.
    Use letters for numbers smaller than 100, so two rather than 2 here. Watch your use of commas too - the one after 'factory' in particular is unnecessary and just creates an uncomfortable pause.
    “Bi-Bidoof!” the Bidoof laughed evilly. The Mareep and trainer was in complete shock and fear. Mister Dark, the boss laughed evilly.
    A few points above cover this - 'laughed evilly' is repetitive, while 'was in complete shock and fear' is telling rather than showing and not that interesting to read. Rather than stating that show us they are in fear - e.g. trembling, mouth wide open, they feel their heart beating loudly, and so forth. There's a lot of ways you can go about it. You already did this well enough with the Mareep a paragraph or two before this quote; it just needs to be more the norm rather than the exception.

    That'll do for now. Not a very positive review admittedly and this story does have potential, but I do feel there is a fair bit of work to be done for it to realise that - if the writing is awkward to read and has mistakes it distracts from the actual story no matter how good the plot may be. Take your time with writing and editing and consider checking out how other fics do it (or don't - one can learn from all sorts of stories, good and bad!). Good luck!

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    Okay, and thanks BB. ^^

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    New Chapter! <3:

        Spoiler:- 'Chapter 3: Drama in the Evening!':

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    Not really much of a cliff hanger
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


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    New chapter! ^^ Chapter 4: The International Police Agent! The switching from moments are really short, maybe I redo the chapter. But I don't know if I gonna do that.

        Spoiler:- Chapter 4: The International Police Agent!:
    Last edited by Trickster Zorua; 2nd April 2012 at 6:28 PM.

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    Decent chapters with an interesting plot. The other posters have made some good points as well. On the most recent chapter, I got confused with the overuse of did. Did Kevin said, Did Ella said. You don't really need all those dids. I'm not too keen on the descriptions and think they could be a bit better like on this line:

    She is holding a Everstone, a Item that preventing evolving when the pokémon holds it.
    I think this sentence could be better. Describing what the item looks like and why they're holding it.


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    That was a great story! A very creative plotline. However, there were so many grammatical errors that I had to force myself to finish it. I suggest you go to a knowledgable person (ie an English teacher) and have them read over your next fanfic so people have a better reading experience.
    Last edited by PowerSpartanl99; 1st April 2012 at 6:01 AM.
    "I have no words that would do justice to the atrocities you commit to the English language, as well as your continued assaults on the concepts of basic literacy and logical reasoning."

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    Yes I did make that :P

        Spoiler:- Trade Shops:

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    ^thanks for the rates! ^^ But C.Gholy and PowerSpartanl99, I'm tryijng to use the tips, because I'm not English but Dutch, but I'm still on Elementary for some reason and can't really great English! ^^; But later do I edit this post with the new chapter! ^^

        Spoiler:- Chapter 5: A Romantic Date with a Sad Twist!:
    Last edited by Trickster Zorua; 3rd April 2012 at 4:52 PM.

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    Good fic. Shadow pokemon is interesting. I'm liking this. Grammar needs some work as mentionned above.



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    Yeah, but thanks that you are intrested! ^^

    New chapter! ^^
        Spoiler:- Chapter 6: Mareep's First Battle!:


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    Wow, this is really cool! Another Shadow Pokémon fic! I have on too, but it hasn't gotten to the Shadowmon part yet. *blush* It's well written, but it could use a Grammar Nazi concentration camp, if you ask me.

    I agree. LOVIE TIEMS!! o3O
    When it happens...eat pie. =3

    Read this if you feel silly.

    https://login.fanfiction.net/story/s...1603&chapter=1



    Um.. yay? :3

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  19. #19
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    ^Thank you! And lol.

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  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
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    United Kingdom, peterborough
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    I like the fifth chapter, the twist was really good!
    "shut up!" ~ Smosh
    STEPHANOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    A very, very special credit to Rayce for giving me a timid thunderus ( the milos island one too.) after seeking it for half a year. He really did bend over backwards to get it to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

    BARRELS! >:-(
    Im a bro, are you?
    Everybody do the flop!


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...or-Swift-Club)

    This is mine and liz azzimagicas taylor swift fan club!

    If you are a true Swiftie (a Taylor Swift fan) like me and not scared to show it, "Drop Everything Now" and copy and paste in your signature.

    Me,Liz azzimagica,doodlebug and dr ciel are the taylor swift fans of serebii!
    4857 4427 2582: FC for white 2

  21. #21
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    May 2011
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    ^ Thanks dude! ^^

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  22. #22
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    May 2011
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    New Chapter! ^_^ 4 Pages long! 030 Only I had not much inspiration for this. ^^;

        Spoiler:- Chapter 7: The Rakki Fair!:

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  23. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    In a house
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    This looks like a decent fic at first glance, but you really need english lessons. No time is writing "She stand happy up" ever acceptable. It should be, "She happily stood up."

    And those" You did never gave up in my eyes!" This sentence shows two contradicting past words. It should be, "You haven't gave up yet! There's still hope in my eyes!" or something like that.

    Just work on the grammer. also I think you should show some more descriptive scenes. If you don't give your readers a vgood understanding of what's gonig on, they might not understand what going on, and might be turned off from reading the fanfic. The first paragraph of your latest chapter was just, "X did this. Y was worried that Z did this to X.Y said this to X. etc. It's kinda been like that when ever I look at a few sentences.

    Just work on those two points, and you could be on to something good.

    My rate: 5.5/10 (Needs work)
    Yep we should ban baton pass, and weather too. Oh and Trick Room, I'm tired of having to worry about Trick Room all the time. Just ban the move Trick Room, and prankster, it's broken. Ban all status moves on prankster users, they're too cheap. Oh and ban Probopass to it's so cheap. Just ban everything except Magikarp with splash.
    Well, actually Blaziken isn't really Uber because some people whined about how they were getting owned by it. I mean, it doesn't stand a chance in the Uber enviroment.

  24. #24
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    May 2011
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    ^ OKay, thanks for the tips. I really apprentice it from you. I try to work on it, but I'm Dutch, so it's what hard for me. :P But thanks!

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  25. #25
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    May 2011
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    Chapter 8! I did made this before I readed the tips, so it can be still the same errors like last time! ^^; (Hopefully it lures more people for reading this fic.)
        Spoiler:- Chapter 8: Meeting the Girl of the Nature!:

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